Download Article
Plus, how to write a consolation note or eulogy
Download Article
X
This article was co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP and by wikiHow staff writer, Aimee Payne, MFA. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.
There are 24 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 2,003 times.
Friends are some of the most important people in your life, and a friend’s death can be a devastating loss to face. Finding the right words to express how you feel and describe what your friend meant to you can be a powerful step in your grieving process. That’s why we’ve put together a list of more than 130 different tribute messages to help you say what’s in your heart when a friend passes away. Plus, we spoke with clinical therapist Rebecca Tenzer and licensed clinical social worker Ken Breniman to get their advice on expressing your grief and dealing with a friend’s death.
Steps
Section 8 of 10:
Writing a Sympathy Message to the Family
Download Article
-
1Start with a salutation appropriate to your relationship with the family. The most common way to start a sympathy message is by writing “Dear” and addressing it to the person by their first name. However, if you normally address that person with a title, use that instead. For example, “Dear Mrs. Bullen” or “Dear Mrs. Bullen and Family.”
- It’s also acceptable to address a sympathy message to the entire family. For example, you might write, “Dear Morgan Family.”
- If you don't know the family well, address your condolence message to the deceased person’s closest relative. This is usually the widow, widower, or oldest child.[20]
-
2Express personal, sincere condolences about your friend’s passing. It’s normal not to know where to begin when writing a condolence message. One of the best ways to start is to use the message as an opportunity to offer a simple acknowledgment of the loss and let them know how you’re connected to their lost loved one. Always be sincere when you express your sympathy and refer to the deceased person by name.[21] For example, say something like:
- “I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss. Shawna and I met in a photography class several years ago and became fast friends.”
- “I am so sorry for your loss. Shawna and I have been friends ever since we were on the cheerleading squad in high school.”
-
3Share fond memories you have of spending time with your friend. Use the middle of your message to make a personal connection with the deceased person and their family. Share your favorite memories or the impact your friend made on your life. Talk about your friend’s unique qualities and what it was that made them such a good friend.[22] Try something along the lines of:
- “Janie was such a good, patient listener. When my grandmother passed, Janie was the one who let me talk about Grandma as much as I needed to. I couldn’t have gotten through that time without her support.”
- “Mark was such a joker. One time, he made a joke that made me spit a mouthful of Coke all over him. Then we both laughed until we were rolling on the floor crying. I can’t remember what the joke was, but I’ll never forget that moment.”
-
4Choose respectful words that highlight their best qualities. As you write a tribute to a friend who has passed away, you may find yourself struggling to know what to say about them. It can be helpful to brainstorm a few words that you would use to describe your friend. Here’s a list of positive words to help get you started.
- Caring
- Happy
- Unforgettable
- Kind-hearted
- Admired
- Honorable
- Generous
- Well-loved
- Talented
- Funny
- Brave
- Sincere
-
5Offer your support, write a sympathetic closing, and sign the card. An offer of support or assistance is usually appreciated by the family, even if they don’t take you up on it. Try to offer to do something practical and specific instead of making a blanket statement like, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”[23] Instead, say something like, “Would you like me to bring you dinner or pick up some groceries for you?”
- Close with a few simple words to restate your sympathy for the family. Then, sign the sympathy card or message.
- Good closing phrases for sympathy messages are “With sincere sympathy,” “With you in sorrow,” or “Thinking of you.”
Advertisement
Section 9 of 10:
Writing a Eulogy
Download Article
-
1Introduce yourself and thank people for coming. Starting a eulogy by introducing who you are and how you knew the deceased helps the audience make a connection with you.[24] It can also give them context for what you say. Then, say “thank you” to the audience for attending the funeral or celebration of life, especially if there are people who have traveled a long way to be there. For example, say something like:
- “Good afternoon, and thank you for coming. My name is Jeffrey, and William has been my best friend since the second grade.”
- “I’m Marilee, and Kendra was my closest friend. I want to thank you all for coming, especially those who had traveled so far to celebrate her life today.”
-
2Share basic information and stories about the deceased. When writing a eulogy, start with information like when and where they were born, nicknames, achievements, and community contributions. “Reflect on what you think is the most important thing to know about the person who is no longer with you,” says Tenzer. Then, share specific memories and stories that highlight your friend’s best qualities.
- Tenzer says, “Sit down and think about memories you have had with that person. Think about the ones that stand out the most and feelings or thoughts that are attached to those memories.”
- Say something like, “William was one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. I remember when we were at the grocery store one time in our broke college student days. An elderly woman in front of us was buying food for her cat, but she didn’t have any money. William just stepped forward and paid for everything even though he wasn’t exactly rolling in cash. But taking care of people was always more important to him.”
-
3End with an honest, touching message to remember the deceased. The best thing you can do is be sincere and speak from your heart. “Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to create something magnificent,” says Tenzer. The eulogy is a celebration of your friend. As long as you’re honest, it will touch the hearts of everyone who loved that person, too.
- If your friend had faults, don’t try to pretend they were a saint. You don’t even have to mention any negative traits.
- It’s sometimes okay to mention shortcomings by using a little affectionate humor or by keeping it brief. Say something like, “We all know Kendra could be a little stubborn. She’d be the first person to say it. But she was also fiercely determined.”
Advertisement
Expert Q&A
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
Advertisement
Tips
Submit a Tip
All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
Name
Please provide your name and last initial
Thanks for submitting a tip for review!
References
- ↑ https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/grief-and-mourning/coping-grief-and-loss
- ↑ https://www.bmj.com/content/324/7353/1551
- ↑ https://www.bible.com/bible/111/MAT.5.4.NIV
- ↑ https://www.biblestudytools.com/philippians/4-7.html
- ↑ https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2016%3A22&version=NIV
- ↑ https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2011%3A25&version=KJV
- ↑ https://biblehub.com/psalms/147-3.htm
- ↑ https://quoteinvestigator.com/2020/05/23/never-lose/
- ↑ https://poets.org/poem/romeo-and-juliet-act-iii-scene-ii-gallop-apace-you-fiery-footed-steeds
- ↑ https://theexonian.net/opinions/gratitude-in-grief
- ↑ https://haventoday.org/blog/cs-lewis-on-grief/
- ↑ https://www.marieclaire.com/celebrity/a36153127/queen-said-grief-is-the-price-we-pay-for-love/
- ↑ https://quod.lib.umich.edu/e/emerson/4957107.0008.001/1:17?rgn=div1;sort=occur;subview=detail;type=simple;view=fulltext;q1=Kant
- ↑ https://www.nfschools.net/cms/lib/NY19000301/Centricity/Domain/2277/Charlottes%20Web.pdf
- ↑ https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Moral_Sayings_of_Publius_Syrus,_A_Roman_Slave
- ↑ https://www.twildersociety.org/works/the-bridge-of-san-luis-rey/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/head-games/202212/what-it-means-to-feel-the-presence-a-deceased-loved-one
- ↑ https://hr.jhu.edu/wp-content/uploads/JHEAP-Coping-with-Grief-After-a-Sudden-or-Unexpected-Death.pdf
- ↑ https://www.aliveinmemory.org/2021/06/02/no-youre-not-crazy-the-need-for-shared-experiences-in-grief/
- ↑ https://emilypost.com/advice/sympathy-notes-and-letters
- ↑ https://together.stjude.org/en-us/emotional-support-daily-life/bereavement/writing-a-condolence-letter.html
- ↑ https://together.stjude.org/en-us/emotional-support-daily-life/bereavement/writing-a-condolence-letter.html
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving
- ↑ https://textbooks.whatcom.edu/cmst220/chapter/eulogy/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/grief/bereavement-grieving-the-death-of-a-loved-one
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/grief/bereavement-grieving-the-death-of-a-loved-one
About This Article
This article was co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP and by wikiHow staff writer, Aimee Payne, MFA. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers. This article has been viewed 2,003 times.
Co-authors: 4
Updated: March 11, 2025
Views: 2,003
Categories: Death
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 2,003 times.
Did this article help you?
Advertisement
