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Diseases
lewri edited this page Oct 19, 2025
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| Disease | Cause | Symptom | Cure | Treatment |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 3rd Degree Sideburns | Wistful longing for the 1970s | Big hair, flares, platforms and glitter make-up | The Psychiatry staff must, using up-to-date techniques, convince the patient that these hairy accoutrements are rubbish | Psychiatric |
| Alien DNA | Face huggers equipped with intelligent alien blood | Gradual alien metamorphosis and desire to destroy our cities | The DNA is mechanically removed, cleaned of alien elements and replaced quickly | DNA Fixer |
| Baldness | Telling lies and making up stories to be popular | Shiny-headedness and embarrassment | Hair is seamlessly melded onto the patient's head using this painful machine | Hair Restoration |
| Bloaty Head | Sniffing cheese and drinking unpurified rainwater | Very uncomfortable for the sufferer | The swollen head is popped, then reinflated to the correct PSI using a clever machine | Inflation |
| Broken Heart | Someone richer, younger and thinner than the patient | Weeping and RSI caused by hours of tearing up holiday photos | Two Surgeons open the chest and gently mend the heart whilst holding their breath | Operating Theatre |
| Broken Wind | Using a gymnasium treadmill after a meal | Upsetting the people directly behind the patient | A heavy mixture of special watery atoms is drunk rapidly in the Pharmacy | Pharmacy |
| Chronic Nosehair | Sniffing disdainfully at those worse off than the patient | Nosebeard a badger could make a nest in | A disgusting hair-removal potion is taken orally, prepared by a Nurse in the Pharmacy | Pharmacy |
| Corrugated Ankles | Driving over traffic calming measures in road | Footwear does not fit snugly | A slightly toxic blend of herbs and spices is drunk to straighten out the ankles | Pharmacy |
| Discrete Itching | Tiny insects with sharp teeth | Scratching, leading to body-part inflammation | Patient drinks a pharmaceutical gluey syrup to prevent the skin from itching | Pharmacy |
| Fake Blood | Patient usually subject of practical joke | Red fluid in veins which evaporates on contact with clothing | Psychiatric calming is the only way to deal with this problem | Psychiatric |
| Fractured Bones | Falling off high things onto concrete | Loud crack and inability to use afflicted limbs | The cast is set then removed using a laser-driven removing machine | Fracture Clinic |
| Gastric Ejections | Spicy Mexican or Indian food | Half-digested food is emitted from the patient in random clusters | Drinking a special binding solution prevents anything being ejected | Pharmacy |
| Golf Stones | Exposure to poison gas inside golf-balls | Delirium and advanced shame | These must be removed by an operation requiring two Surgeons | Operating Theatre |
| Gut Rot | Mrs. O'Malley's Good Time Whisky Cough Mixture | No cough but no stomach-wall lining either | A Nurse can administer a selection of dissolved chemicals to coat the tum | Pharmacy |
| Hairyitis | Prolonged exposure to the moon | Sufferers experience enhanced sense of smell | An electrolysis machine removes the hair and seals up the pores | Electrolysis Clinic |
| Heaped Piles | Standing around by water coolers | Patient feels like he/she is sitting on a bag of marbles | A pleasant, yet powerfully acidic drink dissolves the piles from the inside | Pharmacy |
| Infectious Laughter | Classic situation comedy | Helpless chortling and repetition of unfunny catchphrases | A qualified Psychiatrist must remind the patient how serious this condition is | Psychiatric |
| Invisibility | Being bitten by a radioactive (and invisible) ant | Patients suffer no discomfort. Indeed, many use the condition to play practical jokes on their families | A colourful liquid drunk in the Pharmacy soon restores the patient to full observability | Pharmacy |
| Iron Lungs | Inner-city smog mixed with kebab remains | Ability to breathe fire and shout loudly underwater | Two Surgeons operate to remove the cast solid lungs in the Theatre | Operating Theatre |
| Jellyitis | Gelatin-rich diet and too much exercise | Excessive wobbliness and falling down a lot | The patient is immersed in the Jelly Vat in a special room for a bit | Jelly Vat |
| Kidney Beans | Crunching up ice cubes in drinks | Pain and frequent trips to the toilet | Two Surgeons must remove the beans without touching the sides of the kidney | Operating Theatre |
| King Complex | Caused by the spirit of the King entering the patient's mind and taking over | Donning of colourful suede footwear and eating cheeseburgers | A Psychiatrist tells the patient how ridiculous he or she looks | Psychiatric |
| Pregnancy (incomplete) | Power cuts in urban areas | Faddish eating with consequent beer gut | Baby is removed in Operating Theatre, washed and presented to patient | Operating Theatre |
| Ruptured Nodules | Bungee jumping in cold weather | Inability to sit down in comfort | Two qualified Surgeons must removed the nodules using steady hands | Operating Theatre |
| Serious Radiation | Mistaking plutonium isotopes for chewing gum | Patients with this condition feel very, very unwell | The patient must be placed in a Decontamination Shower and cleansed properly | Decontamination |
| Slack Tongue | Chronic overdiscussion of soap operas | Tongue swells to five times its original length | The tongue is placed in the Slicer Machine, and removed quickly, efficiently and painfully | Slack Tongue Clinic |
| Sleeping Illness | Overactive sleep gland in the roof of the mouth | Overwhelming desire to crash out everywhere | A high dosage of powerful stimulant is administered by a Nurse | Pharmacy |
| Spare Ribs | Sitting on cold stone floors | Unpleasant feeling of chestiness | These must be taken out by two Surgeons, and given to the patient in a doggy bag | Operating Theatre |
| Sweaty Palms | Fear of job interviews | Handshakes with patient are like grabbing a recently submerged sponge | A Psychiatrist must talk the patient out of this made-up disease | Psychiatric |
| The Squits | Eating pizza found under the cooker | Ugh. Surely you can guess | A glutinous mix of stringy pharmaceutical chemicals solidify the patient's innards | Pharmacy |
| Transparency | Licking the yogurt from the foil tops of opened pots | Flesh is rendered see-through and horrible | A Pharmacy drink of specially cooled and coloured water cures this disease | Pharmacy |
| TV Personalities | Daytime television | Delusions of being able to present a cookery show | A trained Psychiatrist must convince the patient to sell their TV and buy a radio | Psychiatric |
| Uncommon Cold | Small particles of snot in the air | Runny nose, sneezing and discoloured lungs | A big swig of uncommon cough medicine made from special ingredients in the Pharmacy will cure this | Pharmacy |
| Unexpected Swelling | Anything unexpected | Swelling | The swelling can only be reduced by lancing during an operation requiring two Surgeons | Operating Theatre |
| Disease | GP's Office | General Diagnosis | Cardiogram | Scanner | Ultrascan | Blood Machine | X-Ray | Psychiatric | Ward |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 3rd Degree Sideburns | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes |
| Alien DNA | Yes | ||||||||
| Baldness | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | |||||
| Bloaty Head | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | ||||
| Broken Heart | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes |
| Broken Wind | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes |
| Chronic Nose Hair | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes |
| Corrugated Ankles | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes |
| Discrete Itching | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes |
| Fake Blood | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes |
| Fractured Bones | Yes | Yes | |||||||
| Gastric Ejections | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes |
| Golf Stones | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes |
| Gut Rot | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes |
| Hairyitis | Yes | Yes | Yes | ||||||
| Heaped Piles | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | |
| Infectious Laughter | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | |
| Invisibility | Yes | Yes | Yes | ||||||
| Iron Lungs | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | |
| Jellyitis | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes |
| Kidney Beans | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes |
| King Complex | Yes | Yes | Yes | ||||||
| Ruptured Nodules | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | |
| Serious Radiation | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes |
| Slack Tongue | Yes | Yes | Yes | ||||||
| Sleeping Illness | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes |
| Spare Ribs | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes |
| Sweaty Palms | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes |
| The Squits | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes |
| Transparency | Yes | Yes | |||||||
| TV Personalities | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes |
| Uncommon Cold | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes |
| Unexpected Swelling | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes |
Bear in mind, these are generally observed values only (GP Office has no effect).
| Disease | Scanner | Blood Machine | Cardiogram | X-ray | Ultrascan | General Diagnosis | Ward | Psychiatrist |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| BLOATY_HEAD | 400 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 200 | 0 |
| HAIRYITUS | 200 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 400 | 0 |
| ELVIS | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 200 | 400 |
| INVIS | 0 | 400 | 0 | -200 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| RADIATION | -200 | 400 | 0 | -400 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| SLACK_TONGUE | 400 | 0 | 200 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | -200 |
| ALIEN | 200 | 400 | 0 | 200 | 200 | 0 | 0 | -400 |
| BROKEN_BONES | 0 | 0 | 200 | 400 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| BALDNESS | 0 | 400 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 200 | -200 |
| DISCRETE_ITCHING | 0 | 400 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| JELLYITUS | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 400 | 0 | 0 |
| SLEEPING_ILLNESS | 400 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 200 | 0 |
| PREGNANT | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| TRANSPARENCY | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 400 | 0 |
| UNCOMMON_COLD | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 400 | 0 | 0 |
| BROKEN_WIND | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 400 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| SAPRE_RIBS | 0 | 0 | 0 | 400 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| KIDNEY_BEANS | 0 | 0 | 0 | 200 | 400 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| BROKEN_HEART | 0 | 0 | 400 | 0 | 200 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| RUPTURED_NODULES | 400 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 200 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| MULTIPLE_TV_PERSONALITIES | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 400 |
| INFECTIOUS_LAUGHTER | 0 | 200 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 400 |
| CORRUGATED_ANKLES | 0 | 0 | 400 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| CHRONIC_NOSEHAIR | 400 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 200 | 0 |
| 3RD_DEGREE_SIDEBURNS | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 400 |
| FAKE_BLOOD | 0 | 400 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| GASTRIC_EJECTIONS | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 400 | 0 |
| THE_SQUITS | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 400 | 200 | 0 |
| IRON_LUNGS | 200 | 0 | 0 | 400 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| SWEATY_PALMS | 0 | 0 | -400 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 400 |
| HEAPED_PILES | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 400 | 0 |
| GUT_ROT | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 400 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| GOLF_STONES | 0 | 0 | 0 | 200 | 400 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| UNEXPECTED_SWELLING | 400 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |