Chapter Text
At some point Aang does manage to free them. Maybe what Sokka had said about the Air Nomads had some substance, about them living in Temples. Still, Zuko is a bit peeved by the way Sokka just lets a random twelve year old do what’s supposed to be the Avatar’s job. He’s supposed to be the one with the ultimate spiritual connection and he just sat there and watched Zuko embarrass himself.
And maybe he’s also a little peeved because Sokka saw him succumb to weakness. Saw him cry because of something as stupid and childish as a fear of the dark. It’s humiliating, and Zuko wishes he could go back in time and get a hold of himself. He can’t, so instead he just glowers. He glowers at Sokka and at Katara but can’t manage to glower at Aang when faced with his smiling face. He did rescue them after all.
Unfortunately the glowering doesn’t hold for very long, because Sokka doesn’t shove his embarrassing behaviour in his face or hold it over his head. He just smiles and throws an arm around his shoulder and acts the same as he always has. He doesn’t tell Katara or Aang, keeps that moment between himself and Zuko and moves on. And he had taken it in stride, Zuko can admit. So the glowering ends soon enough, traded instead for grateful smiles and Zuko ducking his head to hide his glowing cheeks.
It’s just that Sokka is nice, really nice, in a way people never are to Zuko. It’s not kindness out of pity, nor is it just his general disposition. No. Sokka is rude and sarcastic and matter-of-fact. He’s teasing to his sister and playful with Aang, but he’s nice to Zuko. Too nice. It makes Zuko feel like shit, because he knows it's not going to last. Zuko is going to give Sokka over to his father and reclaim his honour and his title and his home and Sokka is going to feel betrayed and he’s going to hate him. He’s going to hate him and Zuko’s going to deserve it.
It keeps him awake sometimes, the guilt. Sokka is so good to him, so kind and generous, and here Zuko is, lying to his face and leading him to his doom. Zuko is under no illusions about what's going to happen to Sokka when he’s brought to the Firelord. He wouldn’t be executed, because they can’t risk the Avatar reincarnating. No, in lieu of taking that risk they’d hold him prisoner for years and years until they won the war. Maybe even after. And they would not treat him with honour. This, Zuko is sure of. The Fire Nation holds its criminals in low regard, and its enemies even lower.
It’s not right, and it’s not the law, but Zuko has learned that sometimes people are willing to break the law and ignore what’s right to serve a bigger cause. It’s a lesson he is not allowed to forget, a reminder plastered onto his face.
It’s confusing, because Zuko is doing the right thing. He’s doing his princely duties, serving his country and his leader. The Avatar is bad. He could cost them the war. This is an argument Zuko has grown up with. It is a moral spread throughout the whole fire nation. There are posters encouraging anyone who thinks they could be the Avatar to turn themselves in if they love their family. Zuko is doing the right thing. His father sent him on this mission for a reason and Agni damn it, Zuko wants to go home. He misses the blistering heat and the food and his turtleduck pond. He’s doing the right thing, but he can’t sleep well at night because it feels wrong.
In the Fire Nation breaking the law is considered treason, and to commit treason is against the law. It’s against the law either way you look at it, and the Fire Nation has lots of laws. Especially since the war. Zuko, as a prince, knows these laws like the alphabet, and follows them to a tee. It is not against the law for a boy to think that another boy is handsome. Zuko had checked. It is not against the law. Not yet.
Zuko doesn’t ask any of the many questions he has because his mom had freaked out the first time he’d said a boy was pretty and then slapped his lips when he’d asked about why it was wrong. It stung fiercely. His mother doesn’t tend to hit him, not unless Zuko really upsets her, so he learned his lesson quickly and has kept quiet about it since then.
It’s not a law, and probably won’t be until the war is over, but his father’s views on it become quite clear, quite quickly. His mother’s reaction begins to make sense. Father thinks it's wrong. He thinks it's disgusting. The act of coupling is only for reproduction, so why bother when that isn’t an option, is what his father thinks.
Zuko doesn’t think his dad finds boys or girls pretty. This makes sense. Father and mother don’t like each other, never really did, and father’s always liked his work more than any person. It’s obvious in hindsight. Zuko is too scared to ask uncle Iroh or Lu Ten, even though they’re always nice to him. His mom is almost always nice sometimes, and even she had been upset.
There’s no law saying that it's wrong for a boy to like another boy the way boys like girls, but father says it's wrong, and mother says it's wrong, and their word has always been law to Zuko.
Zuko is eight and treasonous already.
They are ambushed in a forest by a bunch of children. Well, ambush is a harsh way to describe it. Technically they’re saved by a bunch of children, because they had stumbled into a Fire Nation military camp and they were getting attacked before they could get a word in. Then the kids had descended from the trees and helped them. So, technically it was more rescue than ambush, though it became an ambush when someone pointed out how Zuko had been firebending, and then they really take a look at him, dark hair, pale skin, telling gold eyes, and suddenly Zuko is the target for all their weapons.
They may be a large group, but they’re kids and they have no armour. Zuko could probably take them. Nevermind that those same kids had just defeated grown and trained soldiers who had both firebending and armour. Zuko has the Avatar on his side, and a master airbender. It should be fine. Turns out neither the Avatar or the master airbender are any help. It’s Katara who convinces the group to lower their weapons, saying how ‘Zuko isn’t that bad’, ‘He isn’t supporting the war’, ‘He’s training the Avatar’, all this said through gritted teeth. Zuko doesn’t refute even if it is pushing the truth of the situation.
Either way, weapons are lowered and the group welcomes them to their base. They watch Zuko warily the whole time, but Zuko’s begun to get used to those kinds of looks. He supposes he deserves it maybe. He constantly has to remind himself that his nation is at war with these people, that his nation is at war with the world, and that is why he is ostracised. It may not be his fault directly, but he is still deserving of it. Even if the Fire Nation started the war with good intentions, it is a war all the same.
Zuko had thought the other nations were stupid to fight back, when the Fire Nation was only trying to share, but he supposes he can understand now, the desire to protect one's country and culture against outsiders. He would have done the same. But these are treasonous thoughts, so he shakes them from his mind lest they poison him.
"We call ourselves the Freedom Fighters." Jet says this to Katara, but loud enough for the rest of them to hear. "We're fighting against the fire nation soldiers trying to oppress us." And at this he shoots a glare back at Zuko. Katara looks back as well, not glaring but…calculating. He doesn't like it. He doesn't like any of this.
They set up camp and then settle down around the fire for dinner. Zuko ignores all the wary glances he gets and focuses on his food. Or, well, he tries to. But then he tunes into the conversation, and begins to lose his appetite.
“...so now we look out for each other.”
“I understand. The fire nation took my mother from me,” Katara says, with a touch to the necklace around her neck. It’s a betrothal necklace. Zuko knows because he’d read up on Water Tribe customs. He wonders who she’s engaged to, “and then they took my father too, when he joined the war efforts.”
“You’ve lost so much to the fire nation, as I’m sure you all have…so why do you guys travel with an ashmaker?” There’s silence for a second, and Zuko feels the eyes of everyone present on him. Their gazes aren’t friendly, but Zuko has suffered worse. Even Katara’s glares don’t hold the weight of those of his father’s.
He straightens up, rounding his shoulders and raising his chin. His eyes catch Katara’s first, who was looking at him, but she turns away as soon as they make eye contact. He adjusts his gaze to Jet who is staring at him with flat eyes. He’s ready to defend himself, even if he doesn’t really have a defence, but Sokka beats him to it.
“Zuko isn’t the one who killed your parents and he’s not the one who raided the south.” He says this bluntly, glaring at Jet and then, surprisingly, at Katara. They both seem taken aback by Sokka’s curtness. Katara recovers first though, and she looks furious.
“I don’t understand you! How can you defend him? He-he looks just like them!”
“Katara-”
“No! I don’t get it. How can you look at him? Everytime I look at him I see my mother bleeding out in her hut!” Ah jeez. Zuko feels himself begin to sweat. Talking about mothers always makes him nervous.
“I get it, Katara. I lost her too but-”
“You don’t get it, ‘cause you weren’t there! You were too busy running away.” Katara says this bitingly, then gets up and leaves. Jet follows after her, shooting a smug look at them as he goes. Zuko hates him. It’s silent and awkward, an air of hostility pointed towards Zuko.
Zuko reaches out towards Sokka, resting a hand on his shoulder, but Sokka shrugs out of his grip, putting his bowl down. It hurts a little bit but he’s not very surprised. Sokka is always quick to comfort Zuko, but he never allows the same comfort for himself.
“Sorry.” Zuko mumbles.
“‘S fine.” Sokka says, getting up and walking away with barely a glance at anyone. Zuko feels like it’s all his fault. These kinds of things usually are.
Zuko was born in the middle of winter, deep in the night when Tui was at her fullest. Caldera doesn’t experience winter the same way as the Earth Kingdom, with snow and wind, but the days are shorter and the air cooler. He was born with a weak spark, his innerflame shaky and feeble. The Fire Sages predicted his innerflame would die, and him along with it. They said it was an omen for a son of the royal family to be born during the winter, under a full moon.
Nevermind that winter is the time of Tui, Agni’s sister. Nevermind that they share the same light. None of that mattered to the Fire Sages and certainly not to his father. His father whom his mother had to beg to not kill her son. His father who had no use for weak children, and figured if Zuko was most likely going to die, he may as well die now, rather than wasting time.
Sometimes, when Zuko was being particularly difficult, his mother would tell him of his birth. How his father wanted him dead, how his grandfather, even the Fire Sages would have let it happen. How she was the only one to stand up for him, the only one who wanted him alive, how she’s still the only one who wants him. How he should be grateful, should stop arguing with her, should just listen and do. How he was born wrong wrong wrong in all ways, but she still loved him. How she was the only one to love him. Zuko thinks his uncle and his cousin love him, but adults know better, so he takes her words to heart.
Zuko used to think that his birth was his first treason, born in the time of waterbenders, under the guidance of their god, and with a weak, barely there indication of his connection to Agni. They say the Royal Family are descended from Agni, chosen by Agni, and yet Zuko was born with a weak flame, a weak body and an even weaker mind.
Sometimes, when his mom was particularly frazzled, irritated by Zuko’s disobedience she would tell him how he was born quiet. She’d whisper the words, grip tight and bruising around his arms. The midwives had had to put air into his lungs, she’d say. How pale, nearing on blue he was born. How he was born dead. Then she’d let him go with a grunt and walk away, pacing as she continued ranting about his bad behaviour. Zuko isn’t sure why she told him this, or what her point was. He supposes she just wanted him to be grateful to be alive.
It was only as he got older, though, that Zuko realised what his true treason was. It wasn’t being born premature, in the wrong season under a full moon. It wasn’t being born as a weak firebender. His first treason was surviving through the night of his birth, and through the many years later. Zuko’s first treason was living. It is a treason he continues to commit.
Aang sits with him as he’s setting up for bed, which surprises Zuko. He hasn’t seen neither Katara nor Sokka since dinner, and he expected Aang to go after one of them. Instead, Aang is here, fidgeting where he’s settled next to Zuko.
“We don’t blame you. We…they know just as well as I do that you were a kid when all this happened. Even though your dad is…who he is, we can’t-don’t blame you for your family’s actions.”
“It’s okay, Aang.”
“It’s not! What Katara said…that wasn’t fair to you. Nobody can control how they’re born or where. You didn’t start the war and…you’re with us trying to stop it. That should speak for you more than your blood. I think your actions should speak for you, more than anything else.” Zuko is a bit taken aback by Aang, silent and gaping at him. He knows it's not his fault, he wasn’t there for it to be his fault, but to hear Aang say it, the one person who’s probably lost the most to this war is…startling.
Zuko tries not to question the war, because that is a dangerous road that leads only to treasonous thoughts, but sitting here, in a camp made by children orphaned by the war, with Aang, who has lost his whole people due to the war, he can’t help it.
They say the war was started because the Fire Nation wanted to share their wealth, wanted to share their knowledge and technology, but the other nations refused and fought back. But looking around him, at all these kids, children, who have lost so much, he wonders if it was worth it. It seems stupid to go so far just to ‘share’. Why not just stop? Why not just leave them be, why keep fighting? These people have lost more than gained, and that was supposedly the goal of the war. For everyone to gain.
“Aang…” The thing is, Zuko isn’t trying to stop the war. He’s lying to all of them. He’s trying to seal the Fire Nation’s victory, with the capture of the Avatar. He’d always dreamed of fighting to aid war efforts, of killing his enemies and burning down camps all in the name of victory. Those images flash behind his eyes in contrast with Aang’s gentle expression.
He’s a liar and he doesn’t deserve Aang’s kind words, or the way he looks so openly at him. Agni, Aang is so young. He’s so, so young, and Zuko can envision the horrors his father will commit upon the last living airbender.
What is Zuko doing here, with people of the nations his very own is slaughtering? The war is not benefiting anybody, not even the Fire Nation. All Zuko can think about, looking at Aang and imagining the genocide of his people, is the 41st. The group of young soldiers the Fire Nation sacrificed. Why? So they could kill more people, just in green? So they could spill more blood? What’s the point?
“Zuko?”
“Sorry. Just…it’s getting late. You should go to bed.”
“Oh…okay. Yeah. You’re right.”
“Aang?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.” For being kind when he doesn’t deserve it.
“Anytime.” Aang beams at him before flying off, and Zuko doesn’t deserve that either.
Zuko is thirteen when he is forced to bear the mark of all the minor treasons he’s committed, and his greatest one yet; Questioning his father.