Information from

HUMAN RELATIONS
Human
Environmental Creating a Strong
Sciences
Extension 
and Satisfying
 Marriage
 Sharon J. Leigh, Program Assistant
Janet A. Clark, Program Leader and Associate State Specialist

ause for a moment and Characteristics of

P think about your mar-

riage. What thoughts
come to mind? How do you feel
happy and satisfying
marriages
about your relationship? Your Consider the positive aspects of
marriage may generally pro- your marriage. What are you doing that
vide great happiness and works well and brings you and your
satisfaction for both of you. spouse joy and happiness? If you
Or, because of high levels of have a satisfying marriage,
conflict and unfulfilled chances are that your relationship
expectations, your marriage has high levels of positivity, empa-
may be a source of great thy, commitment, acceptance, love
anxiety and frustration. Another and respect. These are some of the
possibility is that life for you and characteristics that researchers have
your spouse has become so hectic found to be common in successful
that you never seem to be able to marriages. Let’s look at each of these
connect with each other as you once factors.
did. Do any of these situations sound
familiar? If so, you are not alone. Many build, many individuals feel less roman- Positivity
spouses could relate to one of these tic and do not find as much satisfaction John Gottman, one of the nation’s
descriptions. in their relationships. All marriages leading experts on marital relation-
About half of all marriages in the change over time. But with hard work ships, has found that the main differ-
United States end in divorce. It is obvi- and dedication, people can keep their ence between stable and unstable
ous that many people do not get mar- marriages strong and enjoyable. How is marriages is the amount of positive
ried and live “happily ever after.” it done? What does it take to create a thoughts and actions spouses engage
However, marriage continues to be an long-lasting, satisfying marriage? in toward each other. Through careful
important goal for most Americans. In A volume of research indicates that observation of hundreds of couples, he
fact, over 90 percent of adults will get most successful marriages share some has come to the conclusion that suc-
married at least once in their lifetime. key characteristics. This guide will cessful spouses have far more positive
Most spouses start out full of hopes explore these in detail. It will also focus than negative interactions. If there is
and dreams and are truly committed to on marital conflict and the skills needed too much negativity — criticizing,
making their marriage work. Yet as the to handle it effectively. Finally, the guide demanding, name-calling, holding
reality of living with a less than perfect will discuss ways that spouses can grudges, etc. — the relationship will
spouse sets in and the pressures of life strengthen their marriages. suffer. However, if there is never any

Published by MU Extension, University of Missouri-Columbia GH 6610 

negativity, it probably means that frus- investing in their marriage
trations and grievances are not getting and are willing to sac-
air time and unresolved tension is rifice some of their
accumulating inside one or both part- own preferences
ners. The key is balance between the for the good of
two extremes. There are many ways to the relation-
foster positivity in a marriage. Being ship, they
affectionate, truly listening to each usually
other, taking joy in each other’s have high-
achievements and being playful are just quality mar-
a few examples of positive interactions riages.
that help make marriages successful.
Acceptance
Empathy One of the most basic needs
Another characteristic of happy mar- in a relationship is acceptance. Every-
riages is empathy. Empathy means one wants to feel valued and respect- highly likely that their relationships will
understanding a person’s perspective ed. When people feel that their spouses remain happy and satisfying.
by putting oneself in his or her shoes. truly accept them for who they are, they
Many researchers have shown that are usually more secure and confident Managing conflict
empathy is important for relationship in their relationships. Often, there is Have you ever experienced a dis-
satisfaction. People are more likely to conflict in marriage because partners agreement, difference of opinion, or
feel good about their marriage and cannot accept the individual prefer- misunderstanding with your spouse? If
spouse if their partner expresses ences of their spouses and try to you answer truthfully, the answer will
empathy towards them. Husbands and demand change from one another. almost certainly be, “Yes, of course.”
wives are more content in their relation- When one person tries to force change Conflict in marriage is inescapable. All
ships when they perceive that their from another, he or she is usually met marital relationships — even the best
spouses truly understand their thoughts with resistance. However, research has ones — will experience at least some
and feelings. shown that change is much more likely conflict from time to time. However,
to occur when spouses respect differ- many people are successful and happy
Commitment ences and accept each other uncondi- in their marriages, despite the conflicts
Successful marriages involve both tionally. Basic acceptance is vital to a that arise. The key to their success is
spouses’ commitment to the relation- happy marriage. how they handle their conflicts and dis-
ship. When two people are truly dedi- agreements. This section will explore
cated to making their marriage work, Mutual love and respect many issues related to conflict, such as
despite the unavoidable challenges and Perhaps the most important compo- common areas of contention in mar-
obstacles that come, they are much nents of successful marriages are love riage, gender differences in communi-
more likely to have a relationship that and respect for each other. This may cation styles, and the importance of
lasts. In most Western cultures, individ- seem very obvious — why would two proper management of conflict. It will
ualism is highly valued. Individualism people get married who did not love also discuss skills for handling conflict
focuses on the needs and fulfillment of and respect each other? The fact is, as and how to solve problems in marriage.
the self. Being attentive to one’s own time passes and life becomes increas-
needs is important, but if it is not bal- ingly complicated, the marriage often Common areas of conflict
anced by a concern for the needs of suffers as a result. It is all too easy for Although all relationships are differ-
others, it can easily lead to selfishness spouses to lose touch with each other ent, spouses frequently experience
in marriage. Husbands and wives who and neglect the love and romance that several common areas of conflict. Here
only focus on themselves and their own once came so easily. It is vital that hus- are brief descriptions of some typical
desires are not as likely to find joy and bands and wives continue to cultivate issues that spark conflict in marriage.
satisfaction in their relationships. How- love and respect for each other Money
ever, when spouses are committed to throughout their lives. If they do, it is Regardless of the amount of money

2 Human Environmental Sciences Extension