COUPLE’S

Workbook

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 Welcome to the PREPARE/ENRICH Program:
Our Goal is to Help you Build and Maintain a Happy Marriage

Congratulations! You have taken an important step in building a strong marriage by

joining over 3 million couples who have benefited from PREPARE/ENRICH. Over the
last three decades, this program has been scientifically improved and updated. Research
studies have demonstrated it can improve your relationship skills and happiness as a
couple.

Remember to work on your relationship by seeking out opportunities to make your

relationship grow over time. Continue growing by going on date nights, finding special
occasions to celebrate, and keeping your marriage a top priority like you did when you
were dating.

If you find you have ongoing problems that don’t go away over time, it is important to
seek professional counseling. Like any problem or illness, the sooner you go for help, the
better the chances are for recovery. If problems persist, contact your current facilitator or
go to our website (www.prepare-enrich.com) and search under “Find a Facilitator.”

On your wedding Anniversary — Take the Online Couple Checkup:

One of the best ways to help you maintain a healthy and happy relationship is to invest
time and energy in it. We highly recommend at least once a year, perhaps on your
wedding anniversary, you take the online Couple Checkup (www.couplecheckup.com).
The Online Couple Checkup is built on the foundation of PREPARE/ENRICH, and
provides you with a Couple Report (15-20 pages) and a Couple Discussion Guide -
both of which help you build a stronger marriage.

Checkup Books:
Build more strengths in your marriage. Whether
this is your first or subsequent marriage, we have
a resource for you. You’ll find even more couple
exercises and relationship skills so you can work
together to create a more satisfying relationship.

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 COUPLE’S WORKBOOK
TA B LE OF CON T EN T S

*SHARING STRENGTH AND GROWTH AREAS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

COMMU NICATION: Assertiveness and Active Listening. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
* Creating a Wish List using Assertiveness and Active Listening ..... 4
Daily Dialogue and Daily Com plim ents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5

PERSONAL STRESS PROFILE:

* Identifying Most Critical Issues . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6
B alancing your Priorities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
7
Wedding Stress . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8

CONFLICT RESOLU TION:

* Ten Steps for Resolving Con! ict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9
How to take a Tim e-Out . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10
Seeking and Granting Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11

FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT:
The Challenges of Money. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12
Im portance of Financial Goals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13
B udget Worksheet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14
The Meaning of Money . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15

LEISU RE ACTIV ITIES: The Dating Exercise . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16

SEX AND AFFECTION: The Expression of Intim acy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17
RELATIONSHIP ROLES: Sharing Roles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18
SPIRITU AL B ELIEFS: Your Spiritual Journey . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19
MARRIAGE EX PECTATIONS: Managing Your Expectations. . . . . . . . . . . . . 20
CHILDREN AND PARENTING:
Couple Discussion about Children . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21
Planning a Weekly Fam ily Conference . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21
StepFam ilies: Choosing Realistic Expectations. . . . . . . . . . . . . 22

* COU PLE ANDMappi

FAMILY MAPS:
ng Your Relationship . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23
Closeness Exercises . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
Flexibility Exercises . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26

* PERSONALITY : SCOPE Out Your Personality . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27

GOALS: Achieving Your Goals...Together . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28

* SIX CORE EXERCISES
 SH A R IN G ST R E N G T H A N D G R O W T H A R E A S

“Your strengths develop by working through your issues.”

C heck what areas you agree or disagree most with your partner.
• Select three Strength A reas (m ost agreem ent and positive aspects of your relationship)
• Select three G rowth A reas (m ost disagreem ent and areas you w ant to im prove)
ST R E N G T H G RO W TH
A R EA S A R EA S

1. COMMUNICATION
We share feelings and understand each other.

2. CONFLICT RESOLUTION
We are able to discuss and resolve differences.

3. PARTNER STYLE AND HABITS

We appreciate each other’s personality and habits.

4. FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT
We agree on budget and !nancial matters.

5. LEISURE ACTIVITIES
We have a good balance of activities together and apart.

6. SEXUALITY AND AFFECTION

We are comfortable discussing sexual issues and affection.

7. FAMILY AND FRIENDS

We feel good about our relationships with relatives and friends.

8. RELATIONSHIP ROLES
We agree on how to share decision-making and responsibilities.

9. CHILDREN AND PARENTING

We agree on issues related to having and raising children.

10. SPIRITUAL BELIEFS

We hold similar religious values and beliefs.

C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N :
1. Take turns sharing w hat each of you perceive as your relationship strengths. Verbally share one
strength at a tim e, untilyou each have shared three.
2. U se the sam e procedure to share and discuss grow th areas.
3. N ow have a discussion around these questions:
a. D id any of your partner’s responses surprise you?
b. In what areas did you mostly agree with your partner?
c. In what areas did you mostly disagree with your partner?

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 C O M M U N IC AT IO N

“It takes two to speak the truth...one to speak and another to hear.”
— H enry D avid Thoreau

A SSE R T IV E N E SS A N D A C T IV E LIST E N IN G

A SSE R T IV E N E SS:
Assertiveness is the ability to express your feelings and ask for what you want in the relationship.

A ssertiveness is a valuable com m unication skill. In successfulcouples, both individuals tend to be quite
assertive. R ather than assum ing their partner can read their m inds, they share how they feeland ask
clearly and directly for w hat they w ant.

A ssertive individuals take responsibility for their m essages by using “I” statem ents. They avoid statem ents
beginning w ith “you.” In m aking constructive requests, they are positive and respectfulin their com m unication.
They use polite phrases such as “please” and “thank you”.

E xamples of A ssertive Statements:

“I’m feeling out of balance. While I love spending time with you, I also want to spend time with my
friends. I would like us to !nd some time to talk about this.”

“I want to take a ski vacation next winter, but I know you like to go to the beach. I’m feeling confused
about what choice we should make.”

A C T IV E LIST E N IN G :
Active listening is the ability to let your partner know you understand them by restating their
message.

G ood com m unication depends on you carefully listening to another person. A ctive listening involves
listening attentively w ithout interruption and then restating w hat w as heard. A cknow ledge content A N D
the feelings of the speaker. The active listening process lets the sender know w hether or not the m essage
they sent w as clearly understood by having the listener restate w hat they heard.

E xamples of A ctive Listening:

“I heard you say you are feeling ‘out of balance’, and enjoy the time we spend together but that
you also need more time to be with your friends. You want to plan a time to talk about this.”

“If I understand what you said, you are concerned because you want to go skiing next winter.
But you think I would rather to go to the beach. Is that correct?”

W hen each person know s w hat the other person feels and w ants (assertiveness)and
w hen each know s they have been heard and understood (active listening), intim acy is
increased. These tw o com m unication skills can help you grow closer as a couple.

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 C O M M U N IC AT IO N

“It is a luxury to be understood.”

— R alph W aldo Em erson
C R E AT IN G A W ISH LIST
In this exercise, you w illeach individually m ake a W ish List of things you w ould like m ore or less of in
your relationship. N ext, take turns sharing your W ish Lists w ith each other.

A ssertiveness is the ability to express your feelings and ask for w hat you w ant in your relationship.

A ctive listening is the ability to let your partner know you understand them by restating their m essage.

In sharing your W ish List w ith your partner, you w illbe dem onstrating your A ssertiveness skills. In giving
feedback to your partner about their W ish List, you w illbe dem onstrating your A ctive Listening skills.

• M ake a W ish List of three things you would like more or less of in your relationship.

1.

2.

3.

C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N :
Take turns sharing your W ish List w ith each other.

SPEAKER’S JOB:
1. Speak for yourself (“I” statem ents e.g. ”I w ish...”)
2. D escribe how you w ould feelif your w ish cam e true.

LISTENER’S JOB:
1. R epeat/sum m arize w hat you have heard.
2. D escribe the w ish A N D how your partner w ould feelif the w ish cam e true.

A fter com pleting the W ish List Exercise, discuss the follow ing questions:

H ow good w ere each of you atbeing assertive?

In w hatw aysdid you each effectively use active listening skills?

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 C O M M U N IC AT IO N

“M arriage is a team sport;you either win together or lose together.”

D A ILY D IA LO G U E A N D D A ILY C O M P LIM E N T S

D aily D ialogue is an intentionaleffort to talk about your relationship, rather than discussing your activi-
ties that day. The focus of this dialogue should be on your feelings about each other and your lives
together. Set aside !ve m inutes per day to discuss the follow ing:

• What did you most enjoy about your relationship today?

• What was dissatisfying about your relationship today?
• How can you be helpful to each other?

D aily C ompliments help you focus on the positive things you like about each other. Every day give your
partner at least one genuine com plim ent. These can be general(“you are fun to be with”)or speci!c
(“I appreciate that you were on time for the concert”).

• COMMUNICATION SKILLS TO INCREASE INTIMACY •

1. G ive full attention to your partner when talking. Turn off the phone, shut
off the television, m ake eye contact.
2. Focus on the good qualities in each other and often praise each other.
3. B e assertive. Share your thoughts, feelings, and needs.
A good w ay to be assertive w ithout being criticalis to use “I” rather than “You”
statem ents. (e.g. “I worry when you don’t let me know you’ll be late” rather than “You are
always late”).
4. Avoid criticism.
5. If you must criticize, balance it with at least one positive comment.
(e.g.“I appreciate how you take the trash out each week. In the future can you remember to
also wheel the trash can back from the end of the driveway?” ).
6. Listen to understand, not to judge.
7. U se active listening. Sum m arize your partner’s com m ents before sharing your
ow n reactions or feelings.
8. Avoid blaming each other and work together for a solution.
9. U se the Ten Steps approach. For problem s that com e up again and again, use
the Ten Steps for Resolving Couple Con!ict.
10. Seek counseling. If you are not able to resolve issues, seek counseling before
they becom e m ore serious.

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 P E R SO N A L ST R E SS P R O FILE

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things
I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.” — R einhold N iebuhr

ID E N T IFY IN G M O ST C R IT IC A L ISSU E S

D o you control stress in your life or does stress control you?

Stressors are events that cause an em otionaland/or physicalreaction. Stress can be positive (w edding,
job prom otion)or negative (loss of job, car accident, m ajor illness). But w hat is im portant is to be able
to m anage the m any stressors in your life.

O ne w ay to m anage stress is to prioritize the issues that are m ost im portant to you. A nother is to decide
w hat issues can be changed or resolved and w hich ones cannot. This exercise w illhelp you focus on the
high priority issues and those that can be changed (Box 1).

C ouple E xercise:

1. You w illeach select four issues that are the m ost stressfulfor each of you from the Com puter R eport.
2. R eview each issue and put it into one of the four cells below.
3. Box 1 contains the “M ost CriticalIssues.”

A ble to C hange D if" cult to C hange

B ox 1: M ost C ritical Issues B ox 2

H igh
P riority

What changes can you each make? How do you plan to cope?
B ox 3 B ox 4: Least C ritical Issues
Low
P riority
Are you spending too much time Can you accept or forget about these issues?
on low priority issues?

C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N :
Select one issue from B ox 1 that you will work on together as a couple.
W ork together as a team to achieve your goals.
1. C ommunicate about the issue.
2. U se good con! ict resolution skills.
3. B e ! exible with one another.

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 P E R SO N A L ST R E SS P R O FILE

“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
— Jon K abat-Z inn

B A LA N C IN G YO U R P R IO R IT IE S
First, indicate how m uch tim e you “N ow ” spend on each of these areas. N ext, decide on the am ount of tim e
you w ould ideally spend— “Your G oal”. Then decide how you can achieve your goal.

NOW YO U R G O A L H ow w ill you m ove

W ORK: (H ours per w eek) tow ard your goal?
Tim e on job/school
Bringing w ork hom e
Com m uting
P E R SO N A L:
Exercise
Television
Com puter/video gam es
H obby/R ecreation
R eading
Friends
R eligious activities
Volunteering
Sleep (hours per night)
M A R R IA G E : (C ouple)
A t hom e together
A ctivities/D ates
D iscussions (m inutes per day)
H O M E:
Cleaning
Cooking
G rocery shopping
Errands
Law n/G arden
H om e m aintenance
FA M ILY: (if children at hom e)
N um ber of m eals together
Fam ily activities
Transporting children
H elping w ith hom ew ork
A t hom e together

C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N :
• W hat areas feel out of balance to each of you?
• W hat steps m ust you take in order for your goal to becom e reality?

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 P E R SO N A L ST R E SS P R O FILE

W E D D IN G ST R E SS
D ifferences and disagreem ents are as inevitable in w edding planning as they are in m arriage itself. This
is a good tim e to learn how to dealw ith them . H ere are som e strategies you m ight !nd helpful:

1. Consider the big picture as it affects each decision. Som e decisions w illbe m ade consequentially as other w ishes
are discussed. For exam ple, the guest list should be created early because it shapes decisions about facilities
and costs, am ong other things. If one of you w ants a tropicalbeach w edding and the other a hom e- tow n
w edding, you can discuss these options in the light of other issues such as the fact both of you w ant your frail
grandparents to com e to your w edding. Seeing the larger picture can help you resolve differences.

2. Ask yourselves who cares more about the issue. You can decide to gracefully adjust your preference if your part-
ner has strong feelings about an issue. You m ay prefer a sm all, intim ate w edding but your partner has
cherished the fam ily tradition of a large w edding. Try setting a num ber that gives m ore to the person w ho
cares the m ost.

3. Periodically assess your wedding-planning stress and feelings of competency. If your partner has not follow ed
through on a task they w ere responsible for, or if you feelbetter equipped for a particular task, politely offer
to help or take over (e.g., “I am interested in photography and have a light work schedule next week. Is it okay if I research
a photographer?” ). The key is to agree together on a shift of responsibility, rather than saying, “Since you won’t do
it, I will!” The person w ho has been relieved of one responsibility should then offer to help w ith other re-
sponsibilities.

4. Teach and learn from one another rather than assuming the other “gets it.” Som etim es one of you w illnot
see a problem that is quite clear to the other. You can both educate each other about your fam ilies and their
traditions. The groom from a Catholic fam ily should explain to his Protestant bride w hat is involved in a
traditionalCatholic w edding, rather than having surprises keep com ing up.

5. When you are doing your best to deal with your differences and yet remain polarized, consider whether deeper issues
are underlying your con!ict. For exam ple, som etim es the issue is not about the size of the w edding
but about a feeling of envy or com petition because one of you has a bigger fam ily or circle of friends.
Som etim es the issue is not betw een the tw o of you, but betw een one of you and your fam ily m em bers.

The standard tools of effective com m unication taught in PR EPAR E/EN R ICH are particularly im portant w hen
there is tension betw een you. Exam ples are speaking for yourself using “I-statem ents” rather than attacking the
other person, listening to understand before proposing solutions, and choosing the best tim e and place to talk
about dif!cult m atters. Your everyday com m unication patterns m ight be !ne for everyday m atters, but w hen
you are negotiating a w edding, it’s good to be at your best"

From Take Back Your Wedding:M anaging the People Stress of Wedding Planning, by William J. Doherty
and Elizabeth Doherty Thomas (2007). For more information and resources to deal with your
wedding, visit www.TheFirstD ance.com

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 C O N FLIC T R E SO LU T IO N

T E N ST E P S FO R R E SO LV IN G C O N FLIC T
A llcouples have differences and disagreem ents. Studies show the am ount of disagreem ents are not related
to m aritalhappiness as m uch as how they are handled. H appy couples do not avoid disagreem ents;they
resolve them w hile rem aining respectfulof each other, thereby strengthening their relationship. This Ten
Step M odelis a sim ple, but effective w ay to resolve con!ict w hile avoiding the com m on and destructive
patterns. U se this m odelw ith an ongoing issue in your relationship, as w ellas future issues.

1. Set a time and place for discussion.

2. D e! ne the problem - B e speci! c.

3. List the ways you each contribute to the problem.

Partner 1:
Partner 2:

4. List past attempts to resolve the issue that were not successful.
1) 3)
2) 4)

5. B rainstorm— Poolyour new ideas and try to list 10 possible solutions to the problem . D o not judge
or criticize any of the suggestions at this point.
1) 6)
2) 7)
3) 8)
4) 9)
5) 10)

6. D iscuss and evaluate each of these possible solutions. (Be as objective as possible. Talk about how
usefuland appropriate each suggestion feels for resolving your issue.)

7. A gree on one solution to try.

8. A gree how you will each work toward this solution. (Be as speci"c as possible.)
Partner 1:
Partner 2:

9. Set up another meeting to discuss your progress.

Place: D ate: Tim e:

10. R eward each other for progress. (If you notice your partner m aking a positive contribution tow ard
the solution, praise his/her effort.)

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 C O N FLIC T R E SO LU T IO N

“Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right
degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way – that is not easy.”
— A ristotle
H O W TO TA K E A T IM E -O U T

Som e con!icts becom e heated as levels of anger and frustration rise. R ather than speaking assertively, part-
ners begin to accuse, criticize, or yell. R ather than listening actively, partners interrupt, belittle, and ignore.
Physiologically, the “"ght or !ight” response is triggered as each person goes into a protection m ode w ith
little or no regard for their partner. In this state of escalation, it is not uncom m on to say or do things w e
later regret. M oreover, it is nearly im possible to have a productive conversation leading to a m utually agreed
upon resolution. This is w hen a “tim e-out” can be bene"cial. A tim e-out provides couples w ith an oppor-
tunity to cooldow n, identify their feelings and needs, and begin to think productively again about how to
approach the issues they face.

1. R E C O G N IZ E your need for a tim e-out.A re your "sts clenched? Is your face red? A re you breathing
fast? A re the tears stream ing dow n your face? D o you feellike scream ing or throw ing som ething?
A re you afraid of your partner’s intensity? D o you feelem otionally closed off ?
• Learn to recognize the signs that things have becom e too intense for you to have a productive
interaction w ith your partner.
• W hat physicaland em otionalreactions indicate you need a tim e-out?

2.R EQ U EST T H E T IM E-O U T.Calla tim e-out for yourself by saying som ething like “I’m just too angry
to talk right now ;I need to take a tim e-out. Please give m e an hour to calm dow n and gather m y thoughts.”
• R em em ber to callthe tim e-out for yourself. It is seldom helpfulto tellthe other person “You
need a tim e-out#” Suggest a tim e w hen you think you’llbe ready to resum e.

3. R E LA X A N D C A LM D O W N .Take som e deep breaths. G o for a jog. Take a w alk or a bath. W rite in
your journal. R ead, pray, or w atch television for a w hile.
• D o som ething that w illhelp you relax and recover from the em otionalintensity.
• W hat m ethod(s)could you use to calm dow n?

4. R E M E M B E R W H AT ’S IM P O R TA N T.
• Try to identify w hat you w ere thinking and feeling that becam e so dif"cult to discuss.
• Think about “I” m essages you could use to tellyour partner w hat you w ere thinking or feeling,
and w hat you need from him /her.
• Try to spend som e quiet tim e considering your partner’s point of view and w hat they are feeling.
• R em em ber the tw o of you are a team , and the only w ay your relationship w ill“w in” is if you w ork
tow ard a solution that both individuals can feelgood about.

5. R E SU M E T H E C O N V E R SAT IO N . Bring in the skills of A ssertiveness and A ctive Listening and/or

the Ten Steps for Con!ict R esolution. These structured skills can help contain the intensity as you attem pt
to resolve a con!ict. H onor your com m itm ent to return to the issue w hen you are ready to have a m ore
productive conversation.

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 C O N FLIC T R E SO LU T IO N

“T he weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

— M ahatm a G andhi

SE E K IN G A N D G R A N T IN G FO R G IV E N E SS

A llcouples eventually experience tim es of con!ict, hurt, and letting each other dow n. Som etim es the
offense is as m inor as forgetting a date or failing to run an errand. For som e couples, the offense m ight
involve a m ajor betrayalsuch as in"delity, addiction, or abuse. Either w ay, taking tim e to seek and grant
forgiveness can play a pow erfulrole in healing and restoring the relationship.

Forgiveness is the decision or choice to give up the right for vengeance, retribution, and negative thoughts
tow ard an offender in order to be free from anger and resentm ent. This process prom otes healing and restoration
of inner peace, and it can allow reconciliation to take place in the relationship.

It is also im portant to be clear about w hat forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not forgetting, condoning, or
perpetuating injustice. Since it is som etim es unsafe or im possible, forgiveness does not alw ays involve
reconciliation. Forgiveness is not alw ays quick;it is a process that can take tim e to unfold. D on’t rush your
partner if they need to spend days or w eeks w orking through the process of granting forgiveness.

Six Steps for Seeking Forgiveness:

1. A dm it w hat you did w as w rong or hurtful.
2. Try to understand/em pathize w ith the pain you have caused.
3. Take responsibility for your actions and m ake restitution if necessary.
4. A ssure your partner you w illnot to do it again.
5. Apologize and ask for forgiveness.
6. Forgive yourself.

Six Steps for G ranting Forgiveness:

1. A cknow ledge your pain and anger. A llow yourself to feeldisrespected.

2. Be speci"c about your future expectations and lim its.
3. G ive up your right to “get even,” but insist on being treated better in the future.
4. Let go of blam e, resentm ent, and negativity tow ard your partner.
5. Com m unicate your act of forgiveness to your partner.
6. W ork tow ard reconciliation (w hen safe).

Created in part with content contributions made by Richard D. Marks, Ph.D., Marriage for Life, Inc., Jacksonville, FL

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11
 FIN A N C IA L M A N A G E M E N T

“Thrift used to be a basic American virtue. Now the American virtue is to

spend money.” — D avid Brinkley

TH E C H A LLE N G E S O F M O N E Y

The joining of tw o individuals is the joining of tw o different orientations to m oney. O ur early experiences
help shape our values about m oney. M oney operates m etaphorically in our lives, representing m any other
things such as security, nurturance, opportunity, trust, and the relationship betw een dependence and inde-
pendence. Little w onder then that m oney is a m ajor cause of con!ict and a m ultilayered problem for m ar-
ried couples.

Setting Financial G oals Exercise:

O ften goals are an extension of m oney orientations and should be considered together. The partner w ho
is oriented to security is m ore apt to have "nancialgoals around savings than the partner w hose m oney
orientation is centered around enjoym ent. Create, discuss, and share "nancialgoals in the FinancialG oals
exercise.

C reating a B udget Exercise:

Budgeting is the process of allocating expenses on a regular basis. Budgeting puts you in controlof your
spending— a process that can be very em pow ering in a culture w here w e are constantly enticed to spend
m oney. O ne good w ay to create a budget is to keep track of everything you spend m oney on for 1-3 m onths,
and then average your expenditures per category. Com plete the Budget W orksheet as your w orkable budget,
m aking sure to allot a m onthly am ount into ‘savings’.

The M eaning of M oney Exercise:

In this exercise you w illassess and then discuss your orientation tow ard m oney. The advantage of
understanding your partner’s m oney orientation is you can then capitalize on and balance each other’s
strengths.

A W ord about Savings. The book, “The M illionaire N ext D oor” by Stanley and D anko (1996)illum i-
nated the fact that the average A m erican m illionaire is self-m ade, m ost often living m odestly, choosing to
save at least 15% of their incom e and spending m uch less on m aterialpossessions. A high-pro"le spender,
driving expensive cars and w earing designer clothing, often tim es has little investm ent or savings.

O nly 19% of the m illionaires surveyed received any of their w ealth from an estate or trust fund, dispelling
the popular m yth that w ealth is often passed dow n from previous generations. Saving allow s a person to
bene"t from com pounding interest and is key to any good "nancialm anagem ent plan.

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 FIN A N C IA L M A N A G E M E N T

“There is nothing wrong with men possessing riches. The wrong comes when riches
possess men.”— Billy G raham

IM P O R TA N C E O F FIN A N C IA L G O A LS

Couples argue about !nances m ore than any other topic. Regardless of how m uch or how little m oney
a couple has, deciding w hat to purchase and how to spend their m oney is problem atic for m ost couples.

Typically, m ost couples focus on only short-term !nancialgoals like:“Today I w illpay $100 on m y credit
card bill.” But short-term goals should also take into consideration your long-term goals like:“W e w ant to
save enough to m ake a dow n paym ent on a house.”

O ne w ay to reduce the am ount of con"ict regarding !nances is for you and your partner to discuss and decide
on your short-term and long-term !nancialgoals. Setting com m on goals as a couple can increase your sense of
team w ork and collaboration in this com plex area of !nances.

Identifying and D eciding on Your Financial G oals

Each person should individually brainstorm their short-term and long-term !nancialgoals and then share
them w ith each other. Short-term goals should be w hat you can achieve in six m onths to one year. Long term
goals m ight be achieved from one to !ve years. Rem em ber, your goals should be realistic, clear and speci!c.

Short-Term G oals:(six m onths to one year)

1.
2.
3.

Long-Term G oals:(one to !ve years)

1.
2.
3.

C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N :
• Share your lists with one another. W hat do they have in common?
• W here are they different?
• D ecide together as a couple on your common goals.
• Talk about how you can each contribute to achieving these goals.
• R evisit them from time to time so you stay on track.

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13
 FIN A N C IA L M A N A G E M E N T
BU D G E T W O R K SH E E T
M O N T H LY IN C O M E : (Take H ome P ay)
TotalPartner 1:
TotalPartner 2:
TO TA L CO U PLE:

M O N T H LY E X P E N SE S C urrent Spending Future Budget P lan

G IV IN G Contributions/Tithe:
H O U SIN G R ent or M ortgage:
U tilities:
Phone:
LO A N S/D EBT Auto:
Personal:
Credit Cards:
CA R G asoline:
R epairs/M aintenance:
FO O D Food at hom e:
Food aw ay from hom e:
H EA LTH CA R E
IN SU R A N CE M edical:
Car:
H om e/Life/H ealth:
CLO TH IN G
PER SO N A L G O O D S
H O U SEH O LD SU PPLIES
SERV ICES Cellphone:
Cable/D ish:
Internet:
D ry Cleaning/Laundry:
O ther:
O TH ER EX PEN D ITU R ES Savings:
G ifts:
Entertainm ent:
D aycare:
Child support:
O ther:

TO TA L C O U P LE IN C O M E :
TO TA L E X P E N SE S:
SU R P LU S O R D E FIC IT:

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 FIN A N C IA L M A N A G E M E N T

1 2 3 4 5
Strongly D isagree U ndecided A gree Strongly
D isagree A gree

T H E M E A N IN G O F M O N E Y
U se the 1-5 scale to respond to each of the statements below:
_______ 1. I look up to people w ho have been very !nancially successful.
_______ 2. In m aking a m ajor purchase, I consider w hat others w illthink of m y choice.
_______ 3. H aving high quality things re"ects w ellon m e.
_______ 4. It is im portant for m e to m aintain a lifestyle sim ilar to or better than that of m y peers.
_______ 5. H aving som e m oney in savings is very im portant to m e.
_______ 6. I w ould rather have extra m oney in the bank than som e new purchase.
_______ 7. I prefer safe investing w ith a m oderate return versus high-risk investing w ith potentially high returns.
_______ 8. I feelm ore secure w hen I know w e have enough m oney for our bills.
_______ 9. I really enjoy shopping and buying new things.
_______ 10. People w ho have m ore m oney have m ore fun.
_______ 11. I really enjoy spending m oney on m yself and on others.
_______ 12. M oney can’t buy happiness, but it sure helps.
_______ 13. H e or she w ho controls the purse strings calls the shots.
_______ 14. I w ould be uncom fortable putting allm y m oney into a joint account.
_______ 15. O ne of the im portant bene!ts of m oney is the ability to in"uence others.
_______ 16. I think w e each should controlthe m oney w e earn.

Scoring and interpretation:After taking the quiz, add up your answ ers to the four questions for each
category and record your scores below. Scores for each category can range from 4 to 20, w ith a high score
indicating m ore agreem ent w ith that approach. It is possible to have high or low scores in m ore than one
category. G eneralguidelines for interpreting your scores appear in the box below.

A dd Your Interpretation
C ategory Items Score of Score Score Interpretation
M oney as status 1–4 ____________ ____________ 17–20 Very high
M oney as security 5–8 ____________ ____________ 13–16 H igh
M oney as enjoym ent 9–12 ____________ ____________ 9–12 M oderate
M oney as control 13–16 ____________ ____________ 4–8 Low

C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N :
C ompare how you individually scored in each category. D iscuss how you each value money.

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15
 LE ISU R E A C T IV IT IE S

T H E D AT IN G E X E R C ISE
If you w ant to keep your relationship alive and grow ing, our best advice is to date your m ate!D ating w illhelp
you m aintain a friendship— one of the best indicators of a successful, long-term m arriage. The habit of dating
is the catalyst for building your couple friendship and staying em otionally connected through the com ing
years. This exercise w illhelp you establish, reestablish, or reinforce the dating habit.

1. Separately w rite dow n your answ ers to the follow ing questions:

• As you think about the life of your relationship, w hat have been your m ost favorite dates?

• W hat do you enjoy doing together? (sports, hobbies, interests, and recreationalactivities)

• W hat are som e things you w ould like to learn or pursue together? (e.g. sports, cooking, hiking)

2. Share your answ ers w ith each other and brainstorm a com bined list of potential dates.
a. c.
b. d.

3. Evaluate your com bined list and rank the order in w hich to do them .U se the criteria below to
evaluate your dates. For instance, if your budget is tight, you m ay w ant to recreate a favorite date w hen you
m ade peanut butter and jelly sandw iches and had a picnic in the park.

• T im e required for date (for instance, 1 hour, 2 hours, evening, afternoon, m orning or w hole day)
• Financial resources needed for date ($ = inexpensive, $$ = m oderate, $$$ = expensive)
• Energy level(low energy, m edium energy, high energy)

a. c.
b. d.

4. N ow pull out your calendars and w rite in one date a w eek for the next tw o m onths.It takes
three w eeks to m ake a new habit (or relearn an old one)and six w eeks to feelgood about it. D ate your partner
once a w eek for the next tw o m onths and you w illbe w ellon your w ay to energizing your relationship w ith
fun, rom ance and laughter!

For information on the 10 Great Dates By D avid and Claudia A rp visit: www.marriagealive.com

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 SE X A N D A FFE C T IO N

T H E EX P R ESSIO N O F IN T IM A C Y

Em otionalintim acy and physicalintim acy are closely related. Couples w ho have a good em otionalrelationship
and feel loved and appreciated have the best physical relationship.

C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N :

T he follow ing questions w ere designed using the de! nition of affection as “any verbal or
nonverbal expression that com m unicates love in a non-sexual w ay.”

Affection is, to a large degree, a learned skill. Even those w ho seem to be “naturals” in this area usually had
som e training in their childhood as they saw and experienced the expressions of affection m odeled around
them . Those for w hom affection seem s aw kw ard m ay have com e from a hom e w here affection w as absent
or rarely expressed. Either w ay, it’s im portant to discuss your upbringing and how it has affected your
expectations in this area.

• W hat does “affection” m ean to you?

• H ow m uch affection w as there in your fam ilies grow ing up (verbal and nonverbal)?
• H ow did you respond to the affection (or lack of affection) you received?
• H ow did your father show affection?
• H ow did your m other show affection ?
• O n a scale of 1-10,how m uch affection do you w ant in your m arriage?
(1— very little, 10— great am ount)

For Premarital Couples:

• W hat w as the attitude tow ard sex in your fam ily? W as it talked about?
• W here did you learn about sex?
• H ave you fully disclosed your sexualhistory to your partner? If not, w hy not?
• H as lack of affection or sexualdissatisfaction ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
• D iscuss your view s on pornography.
• H ave you discussed fam ily planning and/or birth control?

For M arried Couples:

• W hat do you need in order to be in the m ood for sex?
• D o you feelcom fortable initiating sex? W hy or w hy not?
• H ow often w ould you prefer or expect sex?
• W hat sexualactivities do you enjoy m ost?
• Are there speci!c sexualacts that m ake you uncom fortable?
• H ow could you each contribute to m aking your sexualrelationship m ore satisfying?

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 R E LAT IO N SH IP R O LE S

“All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.”— G eorge O rw ell

SH A R IN G R O LE S

List your responsibilities and your partner’s responsibilities related to the household and/or
children. Your partner should also separately create the sam e tw o lists. Note: For couples who are
not yet sharing a household, complete these lists as things you expect to do in your future household.

T hings You D o (or plan to do) T hings Your Partner D oes (or plans to do)
for your H ousehold for your H ousehold

a. a.
b. b.
c. c.
d. d.
e. e.
f. f.

C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N :

1. After you have each com pleted your lists, com pare and discuss them . Any surprises?

2. Are roles m ainly divided by interests and skill, or by m ore traditionalm ale/fem ale roles?

3. Consider for a m om ent how sim ilar or dissim ilar these lists are com pared to w hat you w itnessed in your
parents’roles grow ing up.

4. D iscuss w hat each of you w ould like to adjust in your lists of roles. If needed, agree on how you
m ight revise your current lists.

5. Revise your current lists, !nalizing an agreem ent about tasks you w illeach do in the future.
Set a tim e to review the new lists.

R elationship R oles E xercise: Switching R oles for a W eek

A fter you have each com pleted your H ousehold Tasks lists, plan a day (or a w eek)w hen you
can perform each other’s household responsibilities. This R ole R eversalexperim ent w illhelp you gain
a new appreciation for one another.

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 SP IR IT U A L B E LIE FS

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience;

we are spiritual beings having a human experience.”
— Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
YO U R SP IR IT U A L JO U R N EY

Spirituality and faith are pow erfuldim ensions of the hum an experience. Spiritualbeliefs can provide a
foundation for the values and behaviors of individuals and couples. People w ho profess a spiritualfaith
do, indeed, feeltheir beliefs breathe life into their relationships. Couples w ith high agreem ent on spiritual
beliefs report m uch higher levels of m aritalsatisfaction and closeness than those w ith low spiritualagreem ent.

G iven the potentialbene!ts of spiritualbeliefs in a relationship, it m akes sense for partners to explore and
evaluate their com patibility regarding spiritualbeliefs. Couples w ith strong spiritualbeliefs and practices say
their faith provides a foundation that deepens their love and helps them grow together and achieve their
dream s. If you and your partner’s spiritualbeliefs are incom patible, talking about the origins of your beliefs
can help you understand one another.

C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N :

H ow m uch do you know about your partner’s religious history? H ow m uch do you know about your ow n
religious history? Fam ily heritage lends a sense of stability and tranquility to relationships.

Set aside som e tim e to discuss the follow ing questions together and share your individualresponses.
If you do not have the answ ers, ask other fam ily m em bers about their perspective.

1. W hat is your fam ily’s religious tradition and heritage?

2. W hat holidays (holy days)and rituals does your fam ily observe?
3. H ow sim ilar or dissim ilar are your personalreligious and spiritualbeliefs com pared to those of your fam ily?
4. W hat holidays (holy days)and rituals do you !nd personally m eaningful?
5. W hat holiday/religious sym bols hold specialm eaning to you (the M enorah, a Cross, or a Christm as tree)?
6. Is/w as there signi!cance to the food you prepare?
7. W hat is the m eaning of the gifts you exchange?
8. H ow does your spirituallife affect your values and the decisions you m ake?
9. To w hat extent do you/w ould you like to integrate your faith or spirituallife into your m arriage relationship?
10. D o you have strong feelings or opinions about the religious upbringing you’d like to provide for your children?
11. H ow has your understanding of G od changed through your life?
12. W hat do you believe is the m eaning of life?

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 M A R R IA G E E X P E C TAT IO N S

“Every disappointment involves an unmet expectation.”

M A N A G IN G YO U R E X P E C TAT IO N S

Expectations about love and m arriage have a pow erfulim pact on relationships. To a large degree, you w ill
be disappointed or happy in life based on how w ellw hat is happening m atches up w ith w hat you think
should be happening. A llm arried couples start out hoping for and believing they w illexperience the very
best. Problem s arise w hen these hopes and beliefs are not based on reality.

The follow ing statem ents are com m on fantasies couples have about m arriage. R ead them and select the
ones you believe are true. Take turns sharing and discussing these w ith each other.

1. M y partner w illm eet allm y needs for com panionship.

2. Tim e w illresolve our problem s.
3. If I have to ask, it is not as m eaningful.
4. W e should live ‘happily ever after’w ith no m ajor problem s.
5. K eeping secrets about m y past or present is acceptable if it w ould only cause pain for m y partner.
6. Less rom ance m eans w e have less love for one another.
7. O ur relationship w illrem ain the sam e.
8. M y partner’s interest in sex w illbe the sam e as m ine.
9. O ur relationship w illbe better w hen w e have a baby.
10. W e w illdo things just like m y fam ily did.
11. N othing could cause us to question our love for one another.
12. I believe I know everything there is to know about m y partner.
13. Love is allyou need for a great m arriage.
14. It is better to keep silent about som ething bothering m e than to cause unnecessary problem s
in our relationship.

C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N :
1. W hich of these questions have you been tem pted to believe?
2. If you agree w ith these statem ents, how m ight they set you up for being disappointed later on?
3. H ow does believing or living out these statem ents keep you from fully loving and/or honoring
yourself and your partner?

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 C H ILD R E N A N D PA R E N T IN G

“Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children;

now I have six children and no theories.”
— John W ilm ot

FOR COUPLES PLANNING TO HAVE CHILDREN:

C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N A B O U T C H ILD R EN :
1. D iscuss if and w hen you w ould like to have children.
2. H ow m any children w ould you like to have?
3. W hat w ould you do if you had an unexpected pregnancy before you planned to have children?
4. W hat w ould you do if you learned you w ere unable to have children (e.g. Adoption? Fertility treatm ents?)
5. W hat are your expectations for the roles of a Father and a M other?
6. W ho do you anticipate or expect w illcare for your child during their infancy and early childhood (You?
Your partner? A daycare provider? G randparents?)
7. H ow w ould you prefer to handle discipline? (e.g. D o you believe in spanking, tim e-outs, taking aw ay privileges,
etc.)
8. As a parent, w hat w ould you w ant to do differently than your fam ily of origin?
9. H ow im portant is it to you that your children are reared near your extended fam ily?
10. D o you believe children should be reared w ith som e religious or spiritualfoundation?
W hat values do you hope to teach your children?

FOR COUPLES W ITH CHILDREN:

P LA N N IN G A W EEK LY FA M ILY C O N FER EN C E

A fam ily conference is a tim e for the fam ily to connect and to re!ect on recent fam ily and personal
experiences. Spending this tim e together helps fam ily m em bers feelsupported and gives a new energy and
sense of solidarity to the fam ily system .

G uidelines:
• Be sure everyone w ho is old enough participates.
• Establish a regular tim e and place-w hen the entire fam ily is norm ally together.
• Encourage and share ideas. D o not criticize and critique.

FA M ILY D ISC U SSIO N :

1. W hat do you feelw as the best thing that happened to you or w ithin the fam ily this w eek?
2. W hat w as the w orst thing that happened to you or w ithin the fam ily this w eek?
3. For an issue that w as brought up in the previous question, w hat could have been done differently?
4. W hat is a strength of your fam ily?

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21
 CH ILD R E N A N D PA R E N T IN G

“After two years, I still feel like an outsider.” — A Stepparent

ST E P FA M ILIE S: CH O O SIN G R E A LIST IC E X P E CTAT IO N S

R ead through these com m on m yths,noticing if any of them resonate w ith you and your partner.
U se the questions in the Couple D iscussion (below ) to guide your discussion.

Myth: B ecause w e love each other,the other fam ily m em bers w ill also love each other.
Reality:Love and/or good relationships m ay or m ay not happen betw een stepfam ily m em bers. It w illlikely
take tim e for em otionalbonds to develop;som e w illbond quickly, others slow ly, and it is possible that
som e individuals m ay never bond.

Myth: W e’ll do m arriage better this tim e around.

Reality:Those w ho have experienced a breakup or divorce often have learned tough lessons from the past.
W hile a new m arriage involves different people and different dynam ics, it is not uncom m on for
individuals to slip into the sam e old patterns and routines (e.g., being avoidant during con!ict). Be
m indfulnot to repeat m istakes of the past.

Myth: O ur children w ill feel as happy about this new fam ily as w e do.
Reality:The truth is children w illat best be confused about the new m arriage and at w orst, they’ll
resent it. Rem arriage is a gain for adults and a challenge for children. O nly after m uch tim e, w hen
fam ily stability is obtained, does the rem arriage also becom e a gain for children. Be patient w ith
them .

Myth: T he stepparent(s) w ill quickly bond w ith the children and act like another parent.
Reality:Som etim es stepparents w ant so badly to be accepted they try to m anage the children as a
parent w ould. They m ay also try to show affection like a biologicalparent w ould. Children often
need som e space initially to build a relationship w ith the stepparent. It is often a good idea to let the
child set the pace and follow their lead.

Myth: W e w ill be able to easily form a new fam ily.

Reality: In m ost cases, children didn’t ask for this new fam ily, they need tim e to develop a history and sense
of fam ily. D on’t push to create relationships. It is often better to have m inim alexpectations of how
relationships w illdevelop rather than grand expectations w hich m ay failto m aterialize.

CO U P LE D ISCU SSIO N :
1.W hich of these m yths have you been tem pted to believe?
2.H ow could having these unrealistic expectations set you up for frustration and disappointm ent?
3.H ow are you going to balance/prioritize the challenges of a stepfam ily w hile also nourishing
your couple relationship?

Adapted from T he Sm art Stepfam ily: Seven Stepsto a H ealthy Fam ily by Ron L. Deal, Minneapolis:
Bethany House Publishers (2002).

22 w w w .prepare-enrich.com © Copyright 2008 Life Innovations, Inc. ®

 C O U P LE A N D FA M ILY M A P S

“In marrying another person, you are also marrying their family.”

M A P P IN G YO U R R E LAT IO N SH IP (see !gure on next page)

In the com puter report, there is a C ouple M ap w hich indicates how you each described your couple
relationship and a Family M ap w hich indicates how you each described your fam ily of origin. These M aps
are designed to help you better understand and discuss your couple relationship and fam ilies. The fact that
fam ilies are so diverse can add to the challenge of m erging individuals from tw o fam ilies into a couple
relationship.

C LO SE N E SS: Closeness refers to how emotionally connected you feel to your partner and family.
H ow do you balance separateness and togetherness? Indicators of closeness are I vs. W e, loyalty, and
independence vs. dependence. There are !ve levels of closeness. B alanced levels (3 central levels) of
closeness are m ost healthy for couples and fam ilies, w hile the tw o U nbalanced levels (2 extrem e ends)
are m ore problem atic.

FLE X IB ILIT Y: Flexibility refers to how open couples and families are to change.
H ow do you balance stability and change? Indicators of "exibility are leadership, relationship roles,
discipline and rules. A s w ith closeness, there are !ve levels of "exibility. B alanced levels (3 centrallevels)
of "exibility are the m ost happy and healthy, w hile the tw o U nbalanced levels (2 extrem e ends)are m ore
problem atic.

C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N :

• C ompare how you each described your couple relationship.

• C ompare your family of origin with your partner’s family on closeness and ! exibility.

• U se the examples below to discuss the closeness and ! exibility in your families of origin:
Fam ily gatherings during a holiday
Celebrating a birthday or anniversary
D inner tim e / M ealtim e
H andling discipline and parenting responsibilities
Closeness in your parents’m arriage
Flexibility in your parents’m arriage
Caring for a sick fam ily m em ber
A djusting to a stressfulchange (e.g. a m ove, job transition).

1) How similar or different were your families in terms of closeness and •exibility?
2) How might the similarities or differences impact your current relationship?
3) What from your family of origin would you like to repeat in your couple relationship?
4) What from your family would you not like to repeat in your couple relationship?
5) How satis•ed are you with the current level of closeness and •exibility in your couple relationship?
6) Consider ways you might increase or decrease closeness and •exibility (see next section for ideas.)

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23
 24
Couple & Family Map
C L O S E N E S S
SO M EW H AT VERY O V ERLY
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DISCO NNECTED CO NNECTED CO NNECTED CO NNECTED CO NNECTED

FLEX IBILITY UN B A LA N C E D
IN D ICA TO R S O VERLY FLEXIBLE
CH A N G E Too m uch ch an g e
O V ERLY
FLEX IBLE LE A D E R S H IP Lack of lead ership
F R O LE SH A R IN G Dram atic role shifts
D ISCIPLIN E Erratic d iscip line
L
E B A LA N CED
FLEX IBILITY
VERY SO M EW H AT FLEX IBLE
IN D ICA TO R
X FLEX IBLE TO VERY FLEX IBLE

I
© Copyright 2008 Life Innovations, Inc.

B CH A N G E Can ch an g e
w h en n ecessary
I FLEX IBLE

L LE A D E R S H IP Shared lead ership

I
R O LE SH A R IN G Role Sharing
T
SO M EW H AT
FLEX IBLE
Y D ISCIPLIN E Dem ocratic discipline

FLEX IBILITY U N BA LA N CED

IN D ICA TO R S INFLEXIBLE
CH A N G E Too little change
I N FL E X I B L E
LE A D E R S H IP Authoritarian leadership
R O LE SH A R IN G Roles seldom change
D ISCIPLIN E Strict discipline
C LO S E N E S S UN B A LA N C E D B A LA N CED U N BA LA N CED
IN D IC A T O R S Disconnected Som ew hat Connected to Very Connected O verly Connected
BALANCED
Too M uch (I) Too M u ch (W e)
“I” vs. “W e” G o o d I-W e Balan ce
Sep araten ess Togetherness
M ID-R ANG E
C LO S E N E S S Little Closeness M od erate to H igh Closeness Too M uch Closeness
LO Y A LTY Lack of Loyalty M oderate to H igh Loyalty Loyalty Dem anded U NBALANCED
IN D EPEN D EN CE H igh Independence Interdependent H igh Dependency
®
 C O U PLE A N D FA M ILY M A PS

C LO SEN ESS EX ER C ISES - PR A C T IC A L T IPS TO B A LA N C E YO U R R E LAT IO N SH IP

If you ! nd yourself “D isconnected” or “Somewhat C onnected”,try one or more of these ideas to
become more connected:

• Fillin the blanks. U se the follow ing prom pts (or som e of your ow n)to discover or rediscover your
partner’s innerm ost feelings. “I feelhappy w hen __________”;“I am afraid of __________”;
“If I had m ore tim e, I w ould __________”;“O ne of m y favorite books is __________”;
“O ne thing I have never told anyone is __________”;“I get really em barrassed w hen __________”;
“M y favorite m ealis __________”;

• Say “N o” to outside activities that take too m uch tim e and energy aw ay from your relationship.

• Participate in com m unity service or volunteering projects together.

• Start having a w eekly “date” night.

• Plan and dream together. Create a list of things you w ould like to do in your life and share your list
w ith your partner.

• Take a class or vacation together.

• Find a hobby or activity you can share w ith one another.

• Com plim ent your partner.

If you ! nd yourself “O verly C onnected” or “Very C onnected”,try one or more of these ideas to
build your independence:

• M aintain, create and nurture friendships w ith others.

• Take a class alone or w ith friends.

• Volunteer for som ething your partner is not involved w ith.

• G ive yourself som e alone tim e w alking, jogging, or journaling. G et to know and like yourself. W hen
your tank is full, you’llhave m ore to share w ith your partner later.

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 C O U PLE A N D FA M ILY M A PS

FLEX IB ILIT Y EX ER C ISES - PR A C T IC A L T IPS TO B A LA N C E YO U R R E LAT IO N SH IP

If you ! nd yourself “In" exible” or “Som ew hat Flexible”,try one or m ore of these ideas to becom e
m ore " exible:

• Share leadership and roles.If you and your partner have strictly de!ned roles and leadership
patterns, try changing the norm alroutine.

• Put aw ay your lists,calendars,and schedules for a day. Experience the day together w ithout
looking at a w atch or clock.

• B rainstorm a list of your roles,and expectations for your relationship.Revise this list in a
w ay that increases "exibility.

• Sw itch roles w ith your partner for a w eek.If your partner norm ally does the grocery shopping,
m ake this your job for the w eek w hile your partner takes over one of your jobs.

• D o som ething really spontaneous.Clear your schedule for a day or w eek and use the tim e to
m eet your partner for a rom antic getaw ay.

If you ! nd yourself “O verly Flexible” or “Very Flexible”,try one or m ore of these ideas to add
m ore stability:

• A dd m ore consistency,tradition and rituals.Research has found rituals and routines are
associated w ith higher m aritalsatisfaction and stronger fam ily relationships. R ituals create strong
bonds and build loving relationships and are organizers of fam ily life. R ituals are m ore than holidays
and rites of passage— daily routines are also very im portant rituals for couples and fam ilies. D aily
rituals include m ealtim e rituals, w ake up and bedtim e rituals, and everyday greetings and goodbyes.

• M ake a list of household tasks and w ho w ill do them .N egotiate these w ith your partner.

• A dd m ore consistency to your parenting.

• K eep prom ises you m ade to your partner.

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 P E R SO N A LIT Y

Question: Do “opposites attract” or do “birds of a feather •ock together”?

Answer: Both are true.
SC O P E O U T YO U R P E R SO N A LIT Y

Exploring your personality and your partner’s personality, can be a fascinating and fun pro-
cess. It can also point out challenges for couples w ho love one another, but have very differ-
ent personalities and approaches to life.

C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N :

First, review the Personality SCO PE section of your com puter report.

1. In w hat area(s) are your personalities sim ilar?

a. H ow can your sim ilarities be a strength?

b. H ow can your sim ilarities create problem s?

2. In w hat areas are your personalities different?

a. H ow can your differences be a strength?

b. H ow can your differences create problem s?

3. D o the roles you ful! ll in your relationship m atch your personality strengths?
(e.g. D oes the person w ho scored high on organization m anage the checkbook?)

D ealing w ith Personality D ifferences

• D on’t try to change your partner’s personality. It w on’t w ork"

• R em em ber the positive aspects of your partner’s personality that attracted you in the ! rst place.
• B e responsible for yourself. T ry to learn behaviors that w ill positively contribute to your relationship.
• H ow can you use your personality differences as a strength in your relationship?

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 G O A LS

“Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.”

—Henry Ford

A C H IE V IN G YO U R G O A LS...TO G E T H E R
Clarify and de!ne your personal, couple, and fam ily goals for the next few years. Then share them w ith
your partner. Rem em ber your goals should be realistic and clearly stated.

Partner 1 G oals Partner 2 G oals

PersonalG oals PersonalG oals

1. 1.
2. 2.
3. 3.

Couple G oals Couple G oals

1. 1.
2. 2.
3. 3.

Fam ily G oals Fam ily G oals

1. 1.
2. 2.
3. 3.

C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N :
• W ere you surprised by any of your partner’s goals?
• W hich goals are m ost im portant to you right now ?
• W hat are the current issues surrounding these goals?
• H ow do your partner’s goals com plem ent or com pete w ith yours?
• H ow can you each contribute to achieving these goals?
• W hat w ill be the ! rst step to m ake this goal becom e a reality?

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