Bài gốc                                 Bài sửa                             Bài tham khảo
Nowadays, there are many              Nowadays, there are many                In the academic debate, students
different views among university      different views among university        weigh diversifying studies against
students regarding the question       students regarding the question of      focusing on their major. Some
whether they should study             whether they should study               favor a multidisciplinary approach
diversify their study or they         diversify their study or they should    for broader knowledge, while
should sole focus on main subject.    solely focus on the main subject.       others prioritize their main
Somebody argue that exploring         Some argue that exploring other         subject. I support the former,
other disciplines can broaden         disciplines can broaden their           advocating for varied learning to
their knowledges and skills, while    knowledge and skills, while others      enhance skills and adaptability.
others believe that paying            believe that paying attention to the
attention to the main subject is      main subject is of the utmost           On one side of the argument,
the most importance. In a aspect      importance. From the aspect of          there are those who advocate for
of being a senior, i strongly agree   being a senior, I strongly agree with   a singular dedication to one's
with a former. This essay will        the former. This essay will discuss     major. They posit that specializing
discuss both prespectives.            both perspectives.                      allows students to acquire a high
                                                                              level of knowledge and expertise
On the one hand, those who            On the one hand, those who              in their chosen field. By investing
advocate for dedicating almost        advocate for dedicating most of         time and effort into their main
time and efforts to studying do a     their time and efforts to studying      subject, students can gain a
qualification have valid reason for   for a qualification have valid          comprehensive understanding of
their stance. They think that         reasons for their stance. They think    intricate concepts and theories.
specializations allow students to     that specializations allow students     This depth of knowledge is often
acquire high knowledge and               to acquire in-depth knowledge and       the first step toward engaging in
expertise in thei chosen field.          expertise in their chosen field.        specialized research and achieving
When students make a effort for          When students make an effort for        recognition as experts within their
main subject, they can master            the main subject, they can master       respective fields.
knowledge        about     complex       knowledge about complex
concepts and theories thoroughly.        concepts and theories thoroughly.       On the other hand, I find the
And that can be the first step for       And that can be the first step for      reasons for embracing a broad
them to advanced the chance              them to advance the chance of           spectrum of disciplines to be
participating      to    specialized     participating in specialized research   equally compelling. The
researchs and recognition as             and recognition as experts in their     interconnected nature of various
experts in their fields.                 fields.                                 fields of study suggests that
                                                                                 learning about multiple subjects is
On the others hand, there are            On the other hand, there are            neither futile nor time-consuming.
compelling reason so that i agree        compelling reasons why I agree          Rather, it provides a solid
this opinion. Firstly, disciplines are   with this opinion. Firstly, disciplines foundation that reinforces the
linked together and learning more        are linked together and learning        primary subject. Additionally,
subject is not unuseful and time-        more subjects is not useless or         focusing predominantly on one
consuming. Whereas, there is             time-consuming. Instead, there is       discipline can lead to boredom,
consolidation so that learners can       consolidation so that learners can      which may decrease learning
build solid foundation for the           build a solid foundation for the        effectiveness. Introducing variety
primary subject. The next reason, i      primary subject. Another reason, I into one's studies can help
think focussing almost time on a         think focusing most of the time on maintain interest and enthusiasm
discipline will cause boredom and        a discipline will cause boredom and for learning. Furthermore, a well-
lead to decline the effective, so        lead to a decline in effectiveness;     rounded education that includes
changing different disciplines will      so changing different disciplines       exposure to different subjects
helps     learners      feel     more    will help learners feel more            equips students with transferable
interested        in         learning.   interested in learning. Additionally, skills, making them more
Additionally, learning about other       learning about other subjects can       adaptable to the rapidly changing
subjects can provide students            provide students with a well-           demands of the job market.
withe a well-rounded education           rounded education that equips
that      equips       them      with    them with transferable skills,          In conclusion, while focusing on a
transferable skills, enabling them       enabling them to adapt to a rapidly single field has its merits, I firmly
to adapt a rapidly changing job          changing job market.                    believe in broadening one's
market.                                                                          academic scope. Embracing
                                         In conclusion, while others             various disciplines enriches
In conclusion, while others who          emphasize the significance of           education and prepares students
emphaze the significant of               devoting one’s time and paying          for a complex career environment.
devoting one’s time and paying           attention to studying for a specific
attention to studying for a specific     qualification, I strongly hold the
qualification i strongly hold the        belief that universities should         257 words
belief that the university should        expand their knowledge by
expand their knowledgs by study          studying subjects which are beyond
subject which is beyond their            their primary fields of study. By
primary fields of study. By              embracing a diverse range of
 embracing a diverse range of            disciplines, they can develop a
 disciplines, they can develop a         broader perspective, enhance
 broader perspective, enhance            critical thinking skills, and acquire
 critical thinking skills, and acquire   transferable knowledge.
 transferable knowledge.
321 words
Task Response:
• You have addressed the task by presenting a clear opinion and supporting it with reasons.
• To improve, ensure that your opinion is consistently maintained throughout the essay and is clearly stated in
the conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion:
• The essay is logically organized with clear progression of ideas.
• Improve cohesion by using a wider range of linking devices and topic sentences that clearly summarize the
content of each paragraph.
Lexical Resource:
• There is a range of vocabulary, but some words are used incorrectly or are misspelled.
• Enhance your score by double-checking spelling and using synonyms to avoid repetition.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
• There are several grammatical errors that can be distracting.
• Focus on subject-verb agreement, correct use of articles, and verb tenses to improve your score.
Overall Score:
Considering the issues mentioned, I would rate the essay around a 6 out of 9. With refinement in the areas
highlighted, particularly in grammar and vocabulary, you could achieve a higher score.