Conflict transformation is the process by which conflicts, such as ethnic conflict, are

transformed into peaceful outcomes. It differs from conflict resolution and conflict
management approaches in that it recognizes "that contemporary conflicts require more
than the reframing of positions and the identification of win-win outcomes.

The very structure of parties and relationships may be embedded in a pattern of

conflictual relationships that extend beyond the particular site of conflict. Conflict
transformation is therefore a process of engaging with and transforming the relationships,
interests, discourses and, if necessary, the very constitution of society that supports the
continuation of violent conflict"

A number of conflict theorists and practitioners, including John Paul Lederach, advocate
the pursuit of “conflict transformation”, as opposed to "conflict resolution" or "conflict
management."

Conflict transformation is different from the other two because it reflects a better
understanding of the nature of conflict itself. "Conflict resolution" implies that conflict is
bad, and is therefore something that should be ended. It also assumes that conflict is a
short-term phenomenon that can be "resolved" permanently through mediation or other
intervention processes. "Conflict management" correctly assumes that conflicts are long-
term processes that often cannot be quickly resolved. The problem with the notion of
"management," however, is that it suggests that people can be directed or controlled as if
they were physical objects. In addition, "management" suggests that the goal is the
reduction or control of volatility, rather than dealing with the real source of the problem.

Conflict transformation, as described by Lederach, does not suggest that we simply

eliminate or control conflict, but rather that we recognize and work with its "dialectic
nature." First, Lederach argues that social conflict is a natural occurrence between
humans who are involved in relationships. Once conflict occurs, it changes or transforms
those events, people, and relationships that created the initial conflict. Thus, the cause-

1
and-effect relationship goes both ways --from the people and the relationships to the
conflict and back to the people and relationships. In this sense, "conflict transformation"
is a term that describes the natural process of conflict. Conflicts change relationships in
predictable ways, altering communication patterns and patterns of social organization,
altering images of the self and of the other.

Conflict transformation is also a prescriptive concept. It suggests that the destructive

consequences of a conflict can be modified or transformed so that self-images,
relationships, and social structures improve as a result of conflict instead of being harmed
by it. Usually, this involves transforming perceptions of issues, actions, and other people
or groups. Conflict usually transforms perceptions by accentuating the differences
between people and positions. The Bible says as a man thinketh in his heart, so he is,
(Proverbs 23:7 KJV), therefore, if you think that somebody is your enemy, you will begin
to act towards him as your enemy.

Lederach believes that effective conflict transformation can utilize this highlighting of
differences in a constructive way and can improve mutual understanding. From the
perspective of conflict transformation, intervention has been successful if each group
gains a relatively accurate understanding of the other. In the end, improving
understanding is the objective of conflict transformation, in spite of parties differing or
even irreconcilable interests, values and needs.

2
 CHAPTER TWO
THE SOURCES, USEFULNESS AND STAGES OF CONFLICT

Of the many challenges faced by leaders and managers, one of the most difficult is
managing conflict. Conflict appears to represent exactly the opposite of what most
managers want—namely, a smooth-running, efficient organization, performing at all
levels in the most cost efficient manner. Conflict in the organization seems to suggest that
things are not quite right and, by implication, the group or organization is not as well-
managed or led as it should be.

2.1 Sources of Conflict

Conflict in an organization can arise from various sources: differences in goals and
objectives; jurisdictional ambiguities; communication barriers; personal characteristics of
key group members; competition for resources in the organization; misinterpretation of
communications; disagreements over performance standards; and the need for consensus.

Conflict is the clash of opposing attitudes, ideas, behaviors, goals, and needs.
Distinguishing between the sources of conflict is helpful to understand how to manage
conflict. Distinguishing and separating personal and substantive elements of a conflict
and then focusing on the substantive issues is an important key to successful conflict
resolution by either a manager or a leader. Some sources of conflict are discussed below:

1. Value conflicts: caused by parties having different criteria to evaluate ideas, or

by different lifestyles, ideologies, or religions. It can also be within yourself,
you’re not living according to your values or when your values and perspectives
are threatened by fear of the unknown or from lack of fulfillment.

2. Relationship conflicts: caused by strong emotions, misperceptions,

miscommunications, and regular, negative interactions.

3
 3. Data conflicts: caused by a lack of information, different interpretations of data
and different views on what is relevant. This is a result of poor communication.

4. Interest conflicts: caused by competition over substantive interests, procedural

interests or psychological interests.

5. Structural conflicts: caused by destructive patterns of behavior, unequal control

and ownership of resources, unequal power and authority, time constraints and
geographical/environmental factors that hinder cooperation. When the amount of
resources available for interested parties is insufficient, there is usually
disagreement about who does what, who gets what.

6. Psychological needs of groups and individuals: The issue here includes

personal and group self-actualization form of respect, protection of self interest so
as to become better than others.

The following factors can serve as personal challenges or enemies to each of us and
ignite conflictual situations in our day to day life:

1. Our first enemy is the natural need to want to explain our side first. We reason
that, if they understand our perspective, they will come to the same conclusions
we did.

2. Our second enemy is our ineffectiveness as listeners. Listening is much more than
being quiet so we can have our turn. It involves a real effort to understand another
person's perspective.

3. Our third enemy is fear. Fear that we will not get our way. Fear of losing
something we cherish. Fear that we will be made to look foolish or embarrassed.
Fear of the truth that we may be wrong.

4
 4. Our fourth enemy is the assumption that one of us has to lose if the other is going
to win and that such differences can only be solved competitively.

If conflict is not handled effectively, the results can be damaging. Conflicting goals can
quickly turn into personal dislike. Teamwork breaks down. Talent is wasted as people
disengage from their work.

2.2 Effects of Conflict

Conflict on its own is not a problem; it is when conflict is poorly managed that it
becomes a problem. By being proactive in identifying areas in which damage might be
done, we are more likely to experience positive outcomes (Anderson &Olson 2003).

Effective conflict resolution skills can make the difference between positive and negative
outcomes. Resolving conflict successfully may enable parties to solve many of the
problems that it has brought to the surface and get benefits that are not at first expected.
The following are positives that result from conflicts:

 Increased understanding: The discussion needed to resolve conflict expands

people's awareness of the situation, giving them an insight into how they can
achieve their own goals without undermining those of other people.

 Increased group cohesion: When conflict is resolved effectively, team members

can develop stronger mutual respect and a renewed faith in their ability to work
together.

 Improved self-knowledge: Conflict pushes individuals to examine their goals in

close detail, helping them understand the things that are most important to them,
sharpening their focus and enhancing their effectiveness.

5
  Helps to raise and address problems.
 Energizes work to be on the most appropriate issues.
 Helps people to be real.
 Helps people learn how to recognize and benefit from their differences.

Conflict is negative when it:

 Hampers productivity.
 Lowers morale.
 Causes more and continued conflicts.
 Causes inappropriate behaviors.

2.3 Managerial Actions that Cause Workplace Conflicts

1. Poor communication
a. Employees experience continuing surprises, they are not informed of new
decisions, programs, etc.
b. Employees do not understand the reasons for the decisions; they are not
involved in the decision-making.
c. As a result, employees trust the "rumour mill" more than the management.

2. The alignment or the amount of resources is insufficient. There is:

a. Disagreement about "who does what".
b. Stress from working with inadequate resources.

3. “Personal chemistry", including conflicting values or actions among managers and

employees, for example:
a. Strong personal natures do not match.
b. We often do not like in others what we do not like in ourselves.

6
4. Leadership problems, including inconsistent, missing, too-strong or uninformed
leadership (at any level in the organization), evidenced by:
a. Avoiding conflict, "passing the buck" with little follow-through on
decisions.
b. Employees see the same continued issues in the workplace.
c. Supervisors do not understand the jobs of their subordinates.

2.4 Pondy’s Model of Organizational Conflict (Stages of Conflict)

Louis Pondy (1967) developed one of the most widely accepted models of organizational
conflict, consisting of five stages: the latent stage; the perceived conflict stage; the felt
conflict stage; the manifest conflict stage; and the conflict aftermath stage.

 The latent stage describes the organization while there is no apparent conflict but
the potential is present.

 The perceived conflict stage begins when one party (an individual or group)
discovers their goals may be hindered by another party. As both parties try to
discover the origins of the conflict, even more conflict arises; the conflict begins
to escalate and each party perceives the conflict differently.

 This leads to the felt conflict stage where each party in the conflict develops
negative feelings about the other. Other individuals or groups in the organization
begin to take sides and the conflict escalates. Sides are chosen and the conflict
rages on.

 In the manifest conflict stage, one party decides to take retribution against the
other party. This may take the form of aggression or violence between individuals
or groups but often includes open arguments, loud shouting (as each group tries to
take control over the other), or various forms of non-cooperation. Some real-

7
 world examples of this include union-management labor talks; prisoner-guard
disputes; and even some congressional disputes.

 The conflict aftermath stage occurs when the conflict is resolved one way or
another but, in its path, leaves irreconcilable feelings, lack of trust, and, in some
cases, pent-up revenge that can lead to future conflicts.

Figure 2.1 Louis Pondy’s Model of Conflict

8
 CHAPTER THREE
STYLES OF CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

There are various major responsive approaches to managing conflicts. All approaches or
conflict management styles may prove to be right under specific situations. Each conflict
participant is capable of choosing the approach as deemed most appropriate in any given
situation.

3.1 Thomas and Kilmann's Style

In the 1970s Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann identified five main styles of dealing
with conflict that vary in their degrees of cooperativeness and assertiveness. Assertion
refers to an attempt to confront the other party, and cooperation refers to an attempt to
find an agreeable solution. They argued that people typically have a preferred conflict
resolution style. However, they also noted that different styles were most useful in
different situations.

There are two dimensions in the model. The first dimension, the vertical axis, is
concerned with conflict responses based on our attempt to get what we want. Thomas and
Kilmann call these the Assertiveness options. The other dimension, the horizontal axis, is
concerned with responses based on helping others get what they want. These are referred
to as the Cooperativeness options. This creates 5 basic types of response.

9
Thomas and Kilmann's styles of conflict management are:

1. Competing: People who tend towards a competitive style take a firm stand, and
know what they want. They usually operate from a position of power, drawn from
things like position, rank, expertise, or persuasive ability. Competition is a win-
or-lose style of handling conflicts. It is asserting one's one viewpoint at the
potential expense of another. Competing or forcing has high concern for personal
goals and low concern for relationships. This style can be useful when there is an
emergency and a decision needs to be made fast; when the decision is unpopular;
or when standing against someone who is trying to exploit the situation selfishly.
However it can leave people feeling bruised, unsatisfied and resentful when used
in less urgent situations.

2. Collaborating: It aims at finding some solution that can satisfy the conflicting
parties. It is based on a willingness to accept as valid the interests of the other
party whilst protecting one's own interests. Disagreement is addressed openly and
alternatives are discussed to arrive at the best solution. This method therefore
involves high cooperation and low confrontation. Collaboration is applicable

10
 when both parties desire to solve the problem and are willing to work together
toward a mutually acceptable solution. Collaboration is the best method of
handling conflicts, as it strives to satisfy the needs of both parties. It is integrative
and has high concern for personal goals as well as relationship.

3. Compromising: It is a common way of dealing with conflicts particularly when

the conflicting parties have relatively equal power and mutually independent
goals. It is based on the belief that a middle route should be found to resolve the
conflict situation, with concern for personal goals as well as relationships. In the
process of compromise, there are gains and losses for each conflicting party.

4. Accommodating: This style indicates a willingness to meet the needs of others at

the expense of the person’s own needs. This person is not assertive but is highly
cooperative. It involves high cooperation and low confrontation. It plays down
differences and stresses commonalities. Accommodation is appropriate when the
issues matter more to the other party, when peace is more valuable than winning,
or when you want to be in a position to receive the favor you gave. However
people may not return favors, and overall this approach is unlikely to give the best
outcomes.

5. Avoiding: It is based on the belief that conflict is evil, unwanted or boorish. It

should be delayed or ignored. Avoidance strategy has low cooperation and low
confrontation. It is useful either when conflicts are insignificant or when the other
party is unyielding because of rigid attitudes. By avoiding direct confrontation,
parties in conflict get time to cool down.

Once you understand the different styles, you can use them to think about the most
appropriate approach (or mixture of approaches) for the situation you're in. You can also
think about your own instinctive approach, and learn how you need to change this if
necessary. Ideally you can adopt an approach that meets the situation, resolves the
problem, respects people's legitimate interests, and mends damaged working

11
relationships. The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) helps you to
identify which style you tend towards when conflict arises.

3.2 The Interest-Based Relational Approach

The second theory is commonly referred to as the Interest-Based Relational (IBR)

Approach. This conflict resolution strategy respects individual differences while helping
people avoid becoming too entrenched in a fixed position. In resolving conflict using this
approach, you will have to follow these rules:

 Make sure that good relationships are the first priority: As far as possible, make
sure that you treat the other person calmly and that you try to build mutual
respect. Do your best to be courteous to one-another and remain constructive
under pressure.

 Keep people and problems separate: Recognize that in many cases the other
person is not just being difficult – real and valid differences can lie behind
conflictive positions. By separating the problem from the person, real issues can
be debated without damaging working relationships.

 Pay attention to the interests that are being presented: By listening carefully
you'll most-likely understand why the person is adopting his or her position.

 Listen first; talk second: To solve a problem effectively you have to understand
where the other person is coming from before defending your own position.

 Set out the Facts: Agree and establish the objective, observable elements that will
have an impact on the decision.

 Explore options together: Be open to the idea that a third position may exist, and
that you can get to this idea jointly.

12
  Keep your voice tone neutral—Do not be too hostile or too passive.

 Remain calm: Explain how you feel, why you feel the way you do, and what you
will and will not do in managing a situation, and present options.

 Never threaten an individual with a specific consequence: You can always state
the possible consequences of behavior, but never threaten a specific end result
because if the end result does not happen, you will lose credibility. Use the word
“may” than “will” when stating possible consequences.

 Never get emotionally involved in a confrontation because it will make you very
ineffective.

 Do not swear or behave inappropriately.

There are three guiding principles here: Be Calm, Be Patient, Have Respect…

By following these rules, you can often keep contentious discussions positive and
constructive. This helps to prevent the antagonism and dislike which so-often causes
conflict to spin out of control.

Based on these approaches, a starting point for dealing with conflict is to identify the
overriding conflict style employed by yourself, your team or your organization. Over
time, people's conflict management styles tend to mesh, and a “right” way to solve
conflict emerges. It's good to recognize when this style can be used effectively, however
make sure that people understand that different styles may suit different situations.

Look at the circumstances, and think about the style that may be appropriate. Then use
the process below to resolve the conflict:

Step One: Set the Scene. If appropriate to the situation, use the rules of the IBR
Approach. Make sure that people understand that the conflict may be a mutual problem,
which may be best resolved through discussion and negotiation rather than through raw

13
aggression. If you are involved in the conflict, emphasize the fact that you are presenting
your perception of the problem. Use active listening skills to ensure you hear and
understand other’s positions and perceptions.

Step Two: Gather Information. Here you are trying to get to the underlying interests,
needs, and concerns. Ask for the other person’s viewpoint and confirm that you respect
his or her opinion and need his or her cooperation to solve the problem. Try to
understand his or her motivations and goals, and see how your actions may be affecting
these. Also, try to understand the conflict in objective terms: Is it affecting work
performance? Damaging the delivery to the client? Disrupting team work? Hampering
decision-making? Etc. Be sure to focus on work issues and leave personalities out of the
discussion.

Step Three: Agree that the Problem Exist. This sounds like an obvious step, but often
different underlying needs, interests and goals can cause people to perceive problems
very differently. You will both need to agree that there is a problem that you are trying to
solve before you will both be able to find a mutually acceptable solution. Sometimes
different people will see the same thing differently so if you cannot reach a common
perception of the problem, then at the very least, you will both need to understand what
the other person sees as the problem.

Step Four: Brainstorm Possible Solutions. If everyone is going to feel satisfied with
the resolution, it will help if everyone has had fair input in generating solutions.
Brainstorm possible solutions, and be open to all ideas, including the ones you never
considered before.

Step Five: Negotiate a Solution. By this stage, the conflict may be resolved: Both sides
may better understand the position of the other, and a mutually satisfactory solution may
be clear to all. However you may also have uncovered real differences between your
positions. This is where a technique like win-win negotiation can be useful to find a
solution that, at least to some extent, satisfies everyone.

14
3.3 Effects of Cooperative and Competitive Approaches

Deutsch distinguishes between two key dimensions of personality: assertiveness in the

pursuit of one's own goals, and cooperativeness in pursuit of mutual goals. Morton
Deutsch's theory of cooperation and competition includes predictions about what sort of
interactions will occur between negotiating parties as a result of their disputing style.

Cooperative styles are characterized by:

1. Effective communication where ideas are verbalized, group members pay

attention to one another and accept their ideas and are influenced by them. These
groups have less problems communicating with and understanding others.

2. Friendliness, helpfulness, and less obstructiveness is expressed in conversations.

Members tend to be generally more satisfied with the group and its solutions as
well as being impressed by the contributions of other group members.

3. Coordination of effort, division of labour, orientation to task achievement,

orderliness in discussion, and high productivity tend to exist in cooperative
groups.

4. Feeling of agreement with the ideas of others and a sense of basic similarity in
beliefs and values, as well as confidence in one's own ideas and in the value that
other members attach to those ideas, are obtained in cooperative groups.

5. Willingness to enhance the other's power to achieve the other's goals increases. As
other's capabilities are strengthened in a cooperative relationship, you are
strengthened and vice versa.

6. Defining conflicting interests as a mutual problem to be solved by collaborative

effort facilitates recognizing the legitimacy of each other's interests and the

15
 necessity to search for a solution responsive to the needs of all." This tends to
limit the scope of conflicting interests and keep attempts to influence each other
to decent forms of persuasion.

A competitive process will most likely have the opposite effects on the parties:

1. Communication is obstructed as the conflicting parties try to gain advantage by

misleading each other through false promises and misinformation.
Communication is ultimately reduced as the parties realize they cannot trust one
another's communications as honest and informative.

2. Obstructiveness and lack of helpfulness lead to mutual negative attitudes and

suspicion of one another's intentions. One's perceptions of the other tend to focus
on the person's negative qualities and ignore the positives.

3. The parties are unable to effectively divide their work and end up duplicating
efforts. When they do divide it, they continuously feel the need to check each
other's work.

4. Ongoing disagreement and critical rejection of ideas reduces ` participants' self-

confidence as well as confidence in the other parties.

5. The conflicting parties seek to increase their own power and therefore see any
increase in the other side's power as a threat.

6. The competitive process fosters the notion that the solution of the conflict can
only be imposed by one side on the other. This orientation also encourages the use
of coercive tactics such as psychological or physical threats and/or violence. This
process tends to expand the range of contested issues and turns the conflict into a
power struggle, with each side seeking to win outright. This sort of escalation
raises the motivational significance of the conflict for the participants and makes

16
 them more likely to accept a mutual disaster rather than a partial defeat or
compromise.

When individuals or parties enter into a negotiation process to resolve conflict, they will
bring a certain orientation to the table in their effort to settle the conflict.

The two most basic orientations people adhere to when entering into negotiations are
cooperative or competitive. A cooperative approach aligns with the process of interest-
based or integrative bargaining, which leads parties to seek win-win solutions.
Disputants that work cooperatively to negotiate a solution are more likely to develop a
relationship of trust and come up with mutually beneficial options for settlement. The
mutual gains approach is considered a constructive resolution process.

Options for a negotiated settlement are limited in some cases by a fixed pie (a set amount
of rewards) that must be divided one way or the other. Such situations leave no
alternative for mutual gains and therefore parties must utilize competitive negotiation
tactics to pursue their goal (s). Competitive approaches align with the process of
distributive bargaining, which result in win-lose outcomes. A competitive approach to
conflict tends to increase animosity and distrust between parties and is generally
considered destructive.

Researchers have identified five major conflict management styles based on a continuum
from Assertive (competitive) to cooperative:

 A competing style: high on assertiveness and low on cooperativeness.

 An accommodating style: low on assertiveness and high on cooperativeness.
 An avoiding style: low on both assertiveness and cooperativeness.
 A collaborating style: high on both assertiveness and cooperativeness.
 A compromising style: moderate on both assertiveness and cooperativeness.

17
 CHAPTER FOUR
ROLE OF COMMUNICATION IN MANAGING CONFLICT

We initiate, form, maintain, and end relationships through verbal and nonverbal
communication. When people are upset, the words they use rarely convey the issues and
needs at the heart of the problem. When we listen for what is felt as well as said, we
connect more deeply to our own needs and emotions, and to those of other people.
Listening in this way also strengthens us, informs us, and makes it easier for others to
hear us. Research has shown that team satisfaction correlates with a collaborative method
of solving conflicts (Liu, Magjuka, & Lee, 2008) and poor communication is usually the
cause of conflicts (Johnson, 2004). We must always remember that when we
communicate, it is usually 7% verbal or what one said (the message itself), 38% vocal or
how one said it (the intonation, projection and resonance of the voice), and 55% visual or
one’s body language (non verbal) that are remembered by after one has spoken.

4.1 Communication and its Process

Communication refers to an exchange of information from one individual to another

either verbally or nonverbally. Developing effective communication in an office is very
essential because it the life blood of any organization. The communication process is the
transmission of a message from the sender to the receiver. It remains incomplete until the
message reaches its destination as undiluted or unchanged as possible.

Channel

SENDER RECEIVER
MESSAGE

FEEDBACK

18
The elements of a communication process include:

 Sender: Sender refers to the initiator of a communication or the source of the

message.

 Message: The idea generated will become the content of the message. Message is
the physical form into which the sender encodes the information. The idea is
encoded or organized into a series of symbols (words, numbers, etc) that are used
for transmitting the message to the receiver through a selected channel (oral,
written, electronically, etc).

 Channel: The channel is method of transmission from one person to another. It is

inseparable from the message.

 Receiver: The Receiver is the person whose senses perceive the sender’s
message. Decoding refers to a process by which the receiver assigns meaning to
the symbols transmitted by the sender. It is a process of translating a message
into an idea.

 Feedback: It refers to the reaction that the receiver has to a message. The
feedback mechanisms assure the sender that the message has been received and
understood by the receiver.

 Noise: It is a factor that disturbs, confuses, or otherwise interferes with

communication.

4.2 Types or Classification of Communication

Communication type can be classified differently based on different criteria. Depending

on the direction of flow, for example communication can be classified as downward,
upward, and horizontal communication.

19
  Downwards Communication: This is communication from superiors to
subordinates. They are used to assign duties, give instructions, to inform, to offer
feedback, approval to highlight problems etc. They are usually highly directive.

 Upwards Communications: It is communication from subordinates to superiors.

It is used to give report, to inform about progress/problems, seeking approvals, to
provide suggestions and complaints, etc. It is non directive in nature.

 Lateral or Horizontal: Communication: Among colleagues, peers at same level

for information level for information sharing for coordination, to save time.

 Diagonal communication: It flows between people, which are not on the same
organizational level and are not in a direct relationship in the organizational
hierarchy. This type of communication is rarely used – usually in situations when
it supplements other types of communication. Diagonal communication is used,
e.g. as labor unions organize direct meetings between employees and top
management, avoiding the first line and middle level managers.

In modern business environment communication extends beyond written or spoken words

to listened word.

On the basis of the formality of the channel or communication networks, communication

can be divided as formal communication and informal communication.

 Formal Network: Virtually vertical as per chain go command within the

hierarchy.

 Informal Network: Free to move in any direction may skip formal chain of
command. Likely to satisfy social and emotional needs and also can facilitate
task accomplishment.

20
Management must recognize that if something significant is not transmitted, employees
will be communicating about it. If any important message is not communicated using
formal communication networks (downward communication) to employees, it will surely
take place by means of informal one (grapevine).

On the bases of how messages are transmitted, communication can be classified as

written communication, oral communication, and nonverbal communication.

4.3 Essentials of Communication

The following points are referred as ‘Dos’ of communication:

 Always think ahead about what you are going to say.

 Use simple words and phrases that are understood by everybody.
 Increase your knowledge on all subjects you are required to speak.
 Speak clearly and audibly.
 Check twice with the listener whether you have been understood accurately or
not
 In case of an interruption, always do a little recap of what has been already
said.
 Always pay undivided attention to the speaker while listening.
 While listening, always make notes of important points.
 Always ask for clarification if you have failed to grasp other’s point of view.
 Repeat what the speaker has said to check whether you have understood
accurately.

The following are referred as the ‘Don’ts’ of communication:

 Do not instantly react and mutter something in anger.
 Do not use technical terms & terminologies not understood by majority of
people.
 Do not speak too fast or too slow.

21
  Do not speak in inaudible surroundings, as you won’t be heard.
 Do not assume that everybody understands you.
 While listening do not glance here and there as it might distract the speaker.
 Do not interrupt the speaker.
 Do not jump to the conclusion that you have understood everything.

Applying the following suggestion in your day to day communication helps you to
become a good listener:
 Listen to the reasons the other person gives for being upset.
 Make sure you understand what the other person is telling you—from his or her
point of view.
 Repeat the other person’s words, and ask if you have understood correctly.
 Ask if anything remains unspoken, giving the person time to think before
answering.
 Resist the temptation to interject your own point of view until the other person has
said everything he or she wants to say and feels that you have listened to and
understood his or her message.

When listening to the other person's point of view, the following practical responses are
often helpful:

 Encourage: the other person to share his or her issues as fully as possible. For
example I want to understand what has upset you. Or I want to know what you are
really hoping for.

 Clarify the real issues, rather than making assumptions. Ask questions that allow
you to gain this information, and which let the other person know you are trying
to understand. For example, Can you say more about that? Or is that the way it
usually happens?

22
  Restate what you have heard, so you are both able to see what has been
understood so far -it may be that the other person will then realize that additional
information is needed. For example It sounds like you were not expecting that to
happen.

 Reflect feelings -be as clear as possible. For example I can imagine how upsetting
that must have been.
 Validate the concerns of the other person, even if a solution is elusive at this
time. Expressing appreciation can be a very powerful message if it is conveyed
with integrity and respect. For example I really appreciate that we are talking
about this issue or I am glad we are trying to figure this out.

4.4 Why is Communication So Important?

“The single most critical component that makes teamwork possible is effective
communication”
(Jones, Oyung, & Pace, 2005:18)

Communication is the way we interact with fellow humans, the way we get our message
across. We communicate with our eyes, faces and bodies as well as our words and voices.
Sometimes poor communication is the cause of feuds and fights. Good communication
and the ability to manage conflict effectively is a skill—one that all of us can learn. The
ability to interact successfully and get along with people is a critical ingredient to
excellence in people skills.

4.5 Role of Perception in Communication

Perception has vital role in communication. Our perception of reality is not necessarily
reality. Quite often, in the course of regular communication, a difference of
understanding will arise. Sometimes, even after explanation, the other person cannot see

23
or accept our viewpoint. We cannot understand why. What is the problem; I have
explained it to them; how can they possibly not see it my way now? Perception has a
critical role in our interpretation of any given situation. Similarly, this same perception
has considerable influence over our reactions to the situation. Our perception develops, as
we grow older, through a variety of influences such as our family background, our ethnic
background, our age, work experiences, values, and spiritual outlook.etc.

Almost everything affects our perception. Someone who grows up on the farm will have
a very different perception of what a busy day is as compared to someone who has grown
up in the city. The difference in our backgrounds, education, religious beliefs, and our
personal history will affect how clearly we understand each other. The less we understand
the meaning of the words, body language, and behavior of the other person, the easier it
will be for us to have an inaccurate perception of what they are communicating to us.
We see things not as they are but as we are.

We want to develop our ability to listen well, so that the message sent and the message
received is interpreted for the mutual understanding of both. Recognizing our limitations
is the basis for taking responsibility for how we think. Taking responsibility for how we
think means:
 Challenging the validity of our perceptions
 Challenging the absoluteness of our perceptions
 Challenging the current accuracy of our perceptions

Our patterns or usual behaviors can be logical, considered and mature, or they can be a
frequent cause of unsatisfactory communication experiences for us and for those with
whom we communicate. If we tend to operate in a “reactive mode” to the circumstances
in our life we are actually losing power and control. An example of this would be:
 Being defensive
 Saying something impulsively we later regret
 Giving in and later wishing we had spoken up
 Avoiding an issue that should have been confronted

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The lesson behind is, you should own your perceptions, and you should not let them own
you!
4.6 Communication Styles

Style is about consistent way of behaving or acting. Individuals have developed a

particular style of communication. Recognizing different styles of communication will
help us interact and communicate with people who have very different styles of
communication from our own. We need to understand that people have their own
wavelength. Although the way some people interact may irritate others, the fact is they
just have a different style of communicating and it seems strange, maybe even wrong to
us. But, we do not have to forget that they may also think the same way of our style.
Communication styles can be divided into several different groups such as the following.

1. The Director: People with this style are impatient. They want everything done as
soon as possible. They speak quickly. They are direct in their communication as they
say what they think. They are often to be found in leadership positions. Keep in mind
that this person thinks in terms of projects that need to be completed. They
sometimes forget that others care about the process as much as the completed project.
Realizing the difference helps not personalize what “The Director” often does without
even being aware that they may be hurting or stepping on someone.

2. The Party Person: Such individuals are friendly, optimistic and informal. They
enjoy life and they communicate clearly. They are energetic and creative. These are
people who deserve to be given an opportunity to establish their goals and visions.
These individuals often forget that the party is not all about them and will be
oblivious to you at times. Again, don’t take this personally. Just realize that you
might have to be more persistent, gently so, for information that you deem as critical.

3. The Stabilizer: A quiet person, shy, but friendly. A wonderful support person, loyal
and caring— they have difficulty in saying no. Give them space to speak and don’t

25
 interrupt. Because they are quiet don’t ignore them or assume they have nothing to
contribute. Involve them with requests for comments or their help.

4. The Accountant: They are quiet, conscientious, attention-to-detail persons. They are
systematic and attend to the details involved with finances and filing. As with the
stabilizer, involve this person and give them the opportunity to share their knowledge
and ideas. This person will respond best when they can sense that there is structure
and framework to what you are trying to accomplish.

Each of these four types is valuable to the team. Each type has its strengths and
weaknesses. As a leader, get to know each member of your team and learn to appreciate
the varied strengths they bring. We must be able to learn to work with them, to involve
them and appreciate them.

Another useful way of looking into communication styles is distinguishing between

passive, assertive, and aggressive communication styles. Detailed explanations are
presented in the following table.

Communication Styles
Description
Passive Assertive Aggressive
General Compliant, Actions and expressions fit Sarcastic, harsh, always
submissive, talks little, with words spoken, firm right, superior, know it
vague non-committal but polite and clear all, interrupts, talks
communication, puts messages, respectful of self over others, critical,
self down, praises and others put-downs, patronising,
others. disrespectful of others
“That’s a good idea, and
“I don’t mind…that’s how about if we did this “This is what we’re
fine….yes alright” too…” or “I can see that, doing, if you don’t like
but I’d really like...” it, tough”
Beliefs You are okay, I am I am okay, you are okay. I am okay, you are not.
not. Believes or acts as if all the  Believe they are
 Has no opinion other individuals involved are entitled to have things
than that the other equal, each deserving of done their way, the way

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 Communication Styles
Description
Passive Assertive Aggressive
person/s are always respect, and no more they want it to be done,
more important, so it entitled than the other to because they are right,
doesn’t matter what have things done their way and others (and their
they think anyway. needs) are less
important
Eyes Avoids eye contact, Warm, welcoming, Narrow, emotion-less,
looks down, teary, friendly, comfortable eye staring, expressionless
pleading contact
Posture Makes body smaller – Relaxed, open, welcoming Makes body bigger –
stooped, leaning, upright, head high,
hunched shoulders shoulders out, hands on
hips, feet apart
Hands Together, fidgety, Open, friendly and Pointing fingers,
clammy appropriate gestures making fists, clenched,
hands on hips
Consequences Give in to others, Good relationships with Make enemies, upset
don’t get what we others, happy with others and self, feel
want or need, self- outcome and to angry and resentful
critical thoughts, compromise
miserable
Source: http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/communication.htm

4.7 The Role of Empathy in Communication

Empathy is sensing another’s feelings and attitudes as if we had experienced them

ourselves. Being able to be empathetic toward the person we are communicating with
will open wide the channel of communication – and understanding. Empathy is learning
to listen with your head and your heart.

4.7.1 Creating Empathy by What We Think

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We need to recognize that people are able to sense what we really think about them. Even
though we may be skilled at acting a part, inevitably the truth will come out, and if we do
not genuinely have respect for someone they will sense this. The way we think about the
other person will communicate itself to them, thus enhancing or seriously jeopardizing
our chance for effective communication. To enhance your communication;
 Take seriously the other person’s needs and concerns. You may think these needs
and concerns are inappropriate or unimportant—but you are real to that person,
and as such, you need to take them seriously.

 You must value their right to their feelings and attitudes, which are the result of
their life’s experiences. You may not be able to relate to their feelings and
attitudes, but it’s important to relate to them as people.

 Their privacy, values and experiences may be foreign to you, even unacceptable,
but they are integral to the other person’s viewpoint. Our goal is to understand
how they are perceiving things. You do not have to be afraid that this means you
are agreeing with them or condoning what they are trying to do. You are simply
keeping the lines of communication open.

 Reserve judgment and blame. This is important if you are to achieve a worthwhile
outcome. When people sense they are judged (or even blamed) by you, and
particularly if they believe they may be found wanting, they are much less likely
to want to hear what you have to say.

4.7.2 Creating Empathy by What We Do

While what we actually think can be communicated subconsciously to the other person
and therefore reduce or enhance the buildup of empathy between you and the other
person, what we actually do is even more obvious and is influenced by our thoughts

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about the person. Be aware of and respectful of any cultural differences. To enhance our
communication:

 Look at the person and take an active interest in what they are saying when
communicating.
 Ask relevant questions for clarification. If you allow your concentration to fade,
so that it becomes obvious you have not been listening, or, if others distract you
constantly, you are signaling to the person that what they are saying is not of great
interest to you.

 Use open body language—make and hold eye contact, face the person— lean
forward a little and avoid crossed arms. If the situation is difficult—try to find a
quiet place and sit down rather than stand. (Never stand if that other person is
sitting).

 Be very aware of facial expression—have a pleasant expression—smile! And try

not to frown even if you are concentrating.

 Make affirming gestures such as nod and sounds of agreement at appropriate

intervals.

 Use a warm vocal tone. Listen to your voice; don’t let it become intimidating,
cold, flat or screechy; don’t raise it if the conversation doesn’t go as you had
planned. Try to keep your voice warm and encouraging.

4.7.3 Empathy Blockers

Certain words or phrases block empathy instantly. Sometimes we use them without
realizing the damage they can do. When we have finished using these thoughtless

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expressions we have often lost our chance to communicate to the other person. Examples
are given in the table that follows:

Domination Examples
Threatening If you are not able to get to work on time we will have to review your
job here.
Ordering Do it or else
I will see you immediately in my office.
Criticizing You don’t work hard enough.
Name Calling Only an idiot would say that.
You are neurotic.
Should’ing You should have said no…. You ought to face the facts….
Manipulation Examples
Withholding If you knew more about this, you would see it differently. Issues of
relevant confidentiality make this a difficult one, but if you cannot share the
Information information, it is probably better not to mention it at all.
Interrogating How many hours did this take you?
Praising to You are so good at report writing; I would like you to do this one.
Manipulate
Disempowerment Examples
Diagnosing motives You are very possessive.
Untimely advice If you would just straighten up your desk you would not be in this
panic.
Changing the topic I am worried about my son. Yes, it is a worry; did I tell you I have
got a new job?
Denial
Refusing to address There is nothing to discuss, I cannot see any problems.
the issue

We tend to think that the words we communicate to someone are the bulk of our
communication. We could not be more wrong!

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31
 CHAPTER FIVE
CONFLICT RESOLUTION

As mentioned in earlier chapters, lack of understanding about differing needs can result
in distance, arguments, and break-ups. In workplace conflicts, differing needs are often
at the heart of bitter disputes. When you can recognize the legitimacy of conflicting
needs and become willing to examine them in an environment of compassionate
understanding, it opens pathways to creative problem solving, team building, and
improved relationships. When you resolve conflict and disagreement quickly and
painlessly, mutual trust will flourish.

5.1 Factors Influencing Conflict Resolution

Successful conflict resolution depends on your ability to:

 Manage stress while remaining alert and calm. By staying calm, you can
accurately read and interpret verbal and nonverbal communication.

 Control your emotions and behavior. When you are in control of your
emotions, you can communicate your needs without threatening, frightening,
or punishing others.

 Pay attention to the feelings being expressed as well as the spoken words of
others.

 Be aware of and respectful of differences. By avoiding disrespectful words

and actions, you can resolve the problem faster.

 Conflict can range from daily irritations to full grown battles. Whatever the
level of conflict, the earlier we take steps to resolve the situation, the better
the outcomes are likely to be.

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  We need to recognize that conflict is inevitable, and learn not to dread it, or
see it as a failure on our part or that of anyone else. Conflict can be dealt with
logically, calmly and effectively by using certain skills and reacting in a
controlled, deliberate manner.

In situations of crisis and potential conflict always remember the S . T . A . R. formula. It

represents the behaviors we need to exhibit in situations of crisis and potential conflicts.
We need to:
 STOP (without being panic and without reacting)
 THINK (gather information)
 ANALYZE (using gathered information decide how you can best empathize with
this person)
 RESPOND (respectfully communicate your understanding of the situation and
what would work for you)

You need to begin to incorporate the principles and practice them on a regular basis
whenever you face conflicts so that they become part of who you naturally are. When you
are in a conflict situation you can always tell yourself to STOP! This will help you to not
react quickly and will give you a few mental seconds to begin processing the situation in
a more controlled way.

5.2 Ways of Managing and Resolving Conflict

Conflict triggers strong emotions and can lead to hurt feelings, disappointment, and
discomfort. When handled in an unhealthy manner, it can cause irreparable rifts,
resentments, and break-ups. But when conflict is resolved in a healthy way, it increases
our understanding of one another, builds trust, and strengthens our relationship bonds.
Unhealthy responses to conflict are characterized by:

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  An inability to recognize and respond to matters of great importance to the
other person
 Explosive, angry, hurtful, and resentful reactions
 The withdrawal of love, resulting in rejection, isolation, shaming, and fear of
abandonment
 The expectation of bad outcomes
 The fear and avoidance of conflict

Healthy responses to conflict are characterized by:

 The capacity to recognize and respond to important matters
 A readiness to forgive and forget
 The ability to seek compromise and avoid punishing
 A belief that resolution can support the interests and needs of both parties

5.3 Conflict Resolution Skills

The ability to successfully manage and resolve conflict depends on four key skills.
Together, these four skills form a fifth skill that is greater than the sum of its parts: the
ability to take conflict in stride and resolve differences in ways that build trust and
confidence.

Conflict Resolution Skill 1: Quickly Relieve Stress

 The capacity to remain relaxed and focused in tense situations is a vital aspect of
conflict resolution. If you do not know how to stay centered and in control of
yourself, you may become emotionally overwhelmed in challenging situations.
The best way to rapidly and reliably relieve stress is through the senses: sight,
sound, touch, taste, and smell. But each person responds differently to sensory
input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.

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Conflict Resolution Skill 2: Recognize and Manage Your Emotions
 Emotional awareness is the key to understanding yourself and others. If you do
not know how you feel or why you feel that way, you would not be able to
communicate effectively or smooth over disagreements. Although knowing your
own feelings may seem simple, many people ignore or try to sedate strong
emotions like anger, sadness, and fear. But your ability to handle conflict depends
on being connected to these feelings. If you are afraid of strong emotions or if you
insist on finding solutions that are strictly rational, your ability to face and resolve
differences will be impaired.

Conflict Resolution Skill 3: Improve Your Nonverbal Communication Skills

 The most important information exchanged during conflicts and arguments is
often communicated nonverbally. Nonverbal communication includes eye
contact, facial expression, tone of voice, posture, touch, and gestures. When you
are in the middle of a conflict, paying close attention to the other person’s
nonverbal signals may help you figure out what the other person is really saying,
respond in a way that builds trust, and get to the root of the problem. Simply
nonverbal signals such as a calm tone of voice, a reassuring touch, or a concerned
facial expression can go a long way toward defusing a heated exchange.

Conflict Resolution Skill 4: Use Humor and Play to Deal with Challenges
 You can avoid many confrontations and resolve arguments and disagreements by
communicating in a playful or humorous way. Humor can help you say things that
might otherwise be difficult to express without creating a flap. However, it is
important that you laugh with the other person, not at them. When humor and play
are used to reduce tension and anger, reframe problems, and put the situation into
perspective, the conflict can actually become an opportunity for greater
connection and intimacy.

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5.4 Effective Principles for Handling Disagreements

Some principles have contributed greatly to the productive handling of disagreements.

 The first, Seek first to understand, then to be understood, was introduced by

Steven Covey, in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. If we encourage
others to explain their side first, they will be more apt to listen to ours.

 The second principle, introduced by Roger Fisher and William Ury in their
seminal work, says that people in disagreement should focus on their needs rather
than on their positions. By concentrating on positions, we tend to underscore our
disagreements. When we concentrate on needs, we find we have more in common
than what we had assumed. Ury and Fisher suggest we attempt to satisfy the sum
of both their needs and our needs. Individuals can learn how to keep
communication lines open and solve challenges when things go wrong. Learning
to disagree amicably and work through problems is perhaps one of the most
important interpersonal skills we can develop.

 The third principle seeks to avoid sharp confrontation. If we come right out and
tell someone I disagree, we are apt to alienate that person. Successful negotiators
are more likely to label their intentions, such as a desire to ask a difficult question
or provide a suggestion, and are less prone to label disagreement. Problems are
likely, however, to increase if we put all our needs aside to focus on another
person’s perspective. The other party may think we have no needs and be quite
taken back when we introduce them all of a sudden, almost as an afterthought.

Instead of telling someone that we understand (just so they can finish and give us
a turn to present our perspective), we can be much more effective by revealing
exactly what it is that we understand. All along we must resist, as we listen, the
temptation to bring up our viewpoints and concerns. In trying to comprehend, we
may need to put our understanding in terms of a question, or a tentative statement.
This way we show true awareness.

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 PART II
BIBLICAL FOUNDATION FOR CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

“A dour Englishman was seated on a train between two ladies arguing about the window.
One claimed that she would die of heatstroke if it stayed closed. The other said she would
expire of pneumonia if it was opened. The ladies called the conductor, who didn’t know
how to resolve the conflict. Finally, the gentleman spoke up. “First, open the window.
That will kill the one. Then close it. That will kill the other. Then we will have peace.”

“The world has many ways to resolve conflict, but invariably, they leave God out. God
tells us that His ways are not our ways (Isa. 55:8). His ways are much higher than our
ways, and often run counter to our ways. If we want true and lasting peace in our
relationships, then we need to resolve conflicts God’s way. His way for resolving
conflicts is not to give us surface techniques that achieve outward peace. Rather, God
goes for the heart—primarily our heart relationship with Him. When our ways please
Him, then we have a foundation for resolving conflicts with others (Prov. 16:7).”
Source: https://bible.org/seriespage/lesson-16-resolving-conflicts-god

In this part we will see the Biblical foundations for resolving conflict.

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 CHAPTER SIX
THE BIBLE AND CONFLICT

In the Bible, numerous examples of conflict are woven into the many stories of people’s
lives outlined in the scriptures. There is also much wisdom to be gleaned from the Bible
on managing conflict. The Book of Proverbs is filled with a wealth of insight on the
causes of conflict, dealing with anger, and ending our disagreements with each other. The
Bible gives us practical knowledge on the subject of conflict

6.1 Conflict is Inevitable

It is usually said that pastors and church leaders resist discussing church conflict. Their
resistance often stems from the belief that all conflict is negative and needs to be avoided
at all costs. However, conflict is inevitable.

In Luke 17:1, Jesus made it clear that we would experience conflict even as Christians.
Scripture lays out the proper way to handle conflict, and the Holy Spirit empowers us to
deal with conflict competently. Nevertheless, the8898church often remains unwilling to
learn how to manage its conflicts in a way that will be beneficial to the kingdom of God.
Conflict should be viewed as an opportunity to help people grow in faith. Rather than
dwelling on the negative aspects of conflict in the church, the church should begin to
recognize conflict as the ability and opportunity to create action from inaction.

Conflict is so inevitable for Christians that Paul tells Timothy that all who desire to live
godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted (2 Timothy 3:12). Many Christians regard being
in conflict as being in sin. It is not seen as a normal part of the Christian life. Yet Jesus
has taught us how to manage conflict and Proverbs has whole sections on it. Conflict is
inevitable for three reasons:

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 1. Our knowledge is incomplete and imperfect so even sinless people in a perfect
world will see the same situation differently through their own knowledge and
perspectives.

2. Satan engineers conflict whenever and wherever possible especially amongst

Christians. Satan sets us in conflict with ourselves, God and one another.

3. We knowingly enter into and initiate conflict with evil whenever we proclaim
the gospel, preach holiness, protest against sin in our society, teach against
cults or testify to Christ in the midst of a world that does not want to change.

Thus conflict is here to stay and we must learn to manage it in a Christian "Kingdom
way" until Christ returns to take us home to heaven where there will be no more crying or
sickness or pain.

6.2 Examples of Conflict in the Bible

Most of us are made to believe that true Christians will never have conflict, but this is not
true. The scriptures below show the existence of conflict between and among Christian
people.

No. Scriptural Text Parties Involved Nature of Conflict

1 Matthew 5:23-24 Brother or Sister Unspecified grudge (bitterness)
2 Matthew 10:34-36 Christian’s Family One believes, others don’t
3 Matthew 16:22-23 Jesus and Peter Jesus’ suffering and death
4 Matthew 18:13 Jesus and Disciples Bring little children
5 Matthew 18:16-18 Church members Unspecified, perhaps intense
6 Matthew 20:24 Jesus and Disciples Jealousy over James and John
7 Matthew 23: 14 Jesus and Pharisees Stubbornness to believe
8 John 8:44 Jesus and Pharisees Jesus called Satanic

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No. Scriptural Text Parties Involved Nature of Conflict
9 Philippians 4:23-24 Euodia and Syntyche Interpersonal Conflict
10 Acts 15:36-40 Paul and Barnabas Take/leave John Mark
11 Galatians 1:10 Paul and Galatians Doubt Paul’s Integrity/Authority
12 Galatians 2:11 Paul and Peter Follow Jewish Rituals

This shows us that conflict is a normal part of every church’s life and the Christian life.
The entire Bible is in some respects a record of conflict--between God and mankind,
between all mankind, and between the forces of good and evil. Since the Bible is a record
of conflict, it is also a record of forgiveness.

6.3 No Conflict is Impossible for God to Resolve

Sometimes, people refuse to discuss their differences with each other or to seek the help
of a mediator because they see no hope in doing this. When people reveal their
hopelessness, it is advisable to share with them these same words that God said to the
prophet Jeremiah, to convince them that no conflict is impossible for God to solve: I am
the Lord, the God of all flesh, is there anything too hard for me (Jeremiah chapter 32,
verse 27). Try to encourage them to have faith in God and his great power, and allow
him to work in their situation while they are having private discussions or going through
the process of mediation.

A good example of God’s intervention is at Genesis chapter 26, verses 12 to 31, where
God helped Abraham’s son Isaac resolve his dispute with some Philistine herdsmen. He
and the herdsmen had a bitter struggle over some wells Isaac’s servants dug for him.
Every time Isaac’s men dug a well, the Philistine herdsmen would claim that the water it
produced was theirs. Because these men fought him over these wells relentlessly,
resolution of this problem appeared hopeless to him. But, suddenly, things changed.
When his men dug another well, the herdsmen mysteriously chose not to fight them over

40
it. Isaac knew that only God could have brought peace. For this reason, he named the
new well Rehoboth, testifying about what God had done for him, “For now the Lord has
made room for us, and we shall be fruitful in the land (Genesis chapter 26, verse 22).

Another example is the story of how God helped Joseph (the son of Jacob) to resolve a
very difficult conflict he had with his brothers. In the story, Joseph’s brothers became
jealous of him, and this led them to throw him in a pit and sell him into slavery (Genesis
chapter 37, verses 1 to 36). Joseph remained a slave in Egypt for thirteen years, until God
delivered him out of prison and made him a great ruler. Most of us would have remained
bitter, unforgiving and unwilling to consider making peace after suffering as Joseph had.
But not Joseph, because of God’s grace, he was able to forgive his brothers, and give
them food and shelter when they came to him to seek help during a terrible famine
(Genesis chapter 45, verses 1 to 15). Therefore if God can help resolve a conflict as
difficult as this, there is a hope that he can settle any differences we have as well.

6.4 Jesus and the Art of Conflict Management

When Jesus addressed problems, he tackled them head-on. While delivering the Sermon
on the Mount (and later in Matthew 18) he dealt with the issue of conflicts brought about
either by others offending us or by our offending them.

When we consider Jesus’ response to conflict Matthew 5:23-24, He says therefore, if you
are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something
against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your
brother; then come and offer your gift.

Matthew 18:15-17 says “If your brother sins again, you go and show him his fault, just
between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he
will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by
the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the

41
church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a
tax collector.”

While the Lord was addressing the problem of sin, there are broader principles at work in
his teaching. And no matter which side has caused the problem, the solution is the same:
First, go to the person with whom you are experiencing a conflict and address the issues
face-to-face. Avoid involving a third or fourth person, especially if their knowledge of
the situation will worsen the problem for the offending individual. Such discussions tend
to intensify the conflict and further undermine the relationship. Judging from the amount
of conflict experienced in our world, this is surely one of the most overlooked commands
in Scripture.

The fact that we are not shocked by the amount of broken relationships and persistent
hostility between people is a sad indicator of our spiritual health as a believing
community. The sins we are taught to avoid tend to revolve around lifestyle issues:
drinking, smoking, going to the wrong kinds of movies or listening to the wrong kinds of
music. But we are not dismayed by a lack of loving relationships.

Yet God abhors this. Our Lord summed up the total teaching of the Old Testament in one
word: Love. “Love God and love people,” he says. The greater sins, the weightier sins,
are transgressions against love. Grudges, gossip, slander – these are done in direct
defiance to Jesus’ essential command. And these behaviors are tolerated all the time –
even among Christians. We do not find them odd; we would find it odd if they suddenly
disappeared.

Jesus tells us to first go to the person one-on-one. Second, go to the person quickly. Jesus
counseled that if someone is worshiping God and remembers that he or she has offended
a friend, the appropriate response is to stop right there and go immediately to the
offended individual. With those words Jesus made it clear that correct interpersonal
relationships are more important than correct ritual. This tends to grate against religious
folks who say that God must be our first priority. It is true that God should be our

42
primary focus. However, our relationship with God is better gauged by our human
relationships than by religious ritual. Although we cannot guarantee that the offended
brother will accept us, we are obligated to make every effort “as far as it depends on” us
(Romans 12:18).

Interestingly, in both cases, Jesus’ advice is to take the initiative. When you have done
something wrong, you go and make it right. When someone else has wronged you, you
still take the first step. You see, God is the initiator in the God-person relationship. Jesus
is not asking us to do anything he has not modelled for us. He gave up heaven to come
down to earth, became a servant and died to repair our broken relationship with the
Father. In Jesus Christ, God takes the initiative. When we come to see how important
people are to God, we will value the community Christ’s death makes possible. We will
value it enough to take the initiative in resolving relational breakdowns. Effective leaders
do not ignore conflict. They manage it by creating an environment in which people are
enabled to work through relational friction on a one-on-one basis. Only after such efforts
have failed are others allowed to enter the conflict, and then only for the purpose of
bringing about reconciliation.

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 CHAPTER SEVEN
BIBLICAL APPROACH TO CONFLICT MANAGEMENT IN THE
CHURCH

Conflict produces energy, and energy can be channeled in positive directions. Apostle
Paul gives us the keys to managing conflict with the goal of a positive outcome: As a
prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have
received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace (Ephesians
4:1-3)

The critical issue in conflict management and the one that most strongly influences one’s
approach to it is this: “What will my proper management of this conflict accomplish?
Christians who live up to their calling (v. 1) must keep the unity of the Spirit through the
bond of peace (v. 3); that is the preferred outcome. So how can a godly leader approach
conflict so that it cements unity in the church?

7.1 Understanding Church Conflict

Acts 6:1-7 reminds us that churches are never free from conflict when they are true to
their mission, and you will not pastor for long before you discover the need for conflict
management.

Conflict in our churches is a reality. Someone said that a church without conflict is
probably a church that is dead. Although we tend to be shaken by conflict, in itself
conflict is not the real issue. Rather, the issue is whether and how the church responds to
conflict in a way that honors God. Paul asked if we are not even competent to judge
trivial cases (1 Corinthians 6:2) and whether nobody is wise enough to judge between
believers (verse 5).

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Majority of the conflict experienced in churches is the product of changing times rather
than creative leadership. Remarkable changes have occurred in the pressures that pastors
bear compared to pressures they experienced when their word was seldom questioned and
their authority prevailed. Pastors need not be surprised when they find their authority and
plans challenged, and they are caught up in a whole storm of protest. It's happening in
every institution in our society, including the church.

Let's look at how the apostles handled the first major conflict in the Early Church (Acts
6:1-7). The Jerusalem church was experimenting in having all things in common. The
Grecian widows, who were part of the Dispersion, lived outside Jerusalem and were
saying they lived too far away to get a fair share of the goods being divided as the
Hebrew widows who lived in Jerusalem. This led to the first major conflict among the
brethren after Pentecost. The disciples resolved the conflict by asking the people to raise
a committee of faithful men from among them to solve the issue of imbalance sharing of
resources. This decision by the Apostles destroyed the potential crisis that would have
engulfed the early Christians. We also note from this story that the Apostles did not insult
or despise the Grecian widows rather the Apostles concentrated on the issue raised and
not who raised the issue. Interestingly the Apostles did not use the situation like many
Pastors would today to teach the Grecian Widows contentment because they raised a
contentious matter. As a church we must not use religious teaching to deny people their
right for justice.

7.2 Stages of Conflict Management

The apostles followed a 2-stage pattern of conflict management: (1) Desensitization. The
widows were allowed to air their complaints, desensitizing the conflict. (2) Deliberation.
There was time for serious, mature discussion of the conflict.

Let's take a closer look at how this New Testament formula for the creative management
of conflict actually works.

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7.2.1 Desensitization

Desensitization requires active involvement by leadership. You cannot constructively

manage conflict by continually avoiding or denying it. You cannot say, the problem is not
there. And you cannot constructively manage conflict by dominating it or simply
forbidding it to happen by saying, we will be in agreement. That approach would not
work.

Instead, you first reassure everyone involved in that conflict is normal in any human
relationship, and the church is no exception. The ideal of perpetual peace in the church-
without conflict-is unscriptural and unrealistic. Remind your people that differing
viewpoints are perfectly normal. Emphasize that conflicts occur because people choose
to look at matters in different ways, not necessarily because those matters are the way
people choose to see them.

If you are going to be a master at handling desensitization, you cannot be ego-involved

by seeing a situation only your unique way. If you say well, this is the way God has
shown it to me, and this is the way it is going to be, you are not going to desensitize
anything. Rather, you will only intensify it, because you have made debating the position
you have taken equal to debating with God.

Before you get too ego-involved in declaring your divine revelation, listen to what the
Lord may be saying to others. The apostles let the Hebrew and Grecian widows express
their feelings before they went to the next stage of conflict management. Why? Once
anxiety is reduced, a broader perspective can be taken. In almost any situation, the Holy
Spirit can lead us to many alternatives.

Desensitization involves helping people see several different ways of viewing a set of
circumstances. After people's feelings have been sufficiently surfaced and aired, move to
the second stage of conflict management.

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7.2.2 Deliberation

Consider the various points of view. In trying to help His disciples overcome their
tendency to fear, Jesus said, Fear not. Perhaps He was giving them the opportunity to
have the broadest possible range of alternatives.

Christ wants a congregation to be open to any creative direction the Spirit of God may
want to bring. But when church members and church leaders commit themselves to an
ego-involved position, their anxiety that they may be proven wrong frequently builds
rigid defenses that get in the way of God leading them the way He wants them to go.

Occasional personality conflicts between segments of the congregation and the pastor can
affect the pastor's influence. People who refuse to engage in sincere, mature mediation
while respecting the position of the pastor need to be seen for what they are and dealt
with decisively as possible ( 3 John 9-12 for the scriptural precedent).

John evidently felt he had been patient enough with Diotrephes-a man who had a long
history of being difficult to deal with in the church. John showed the church what he, as
their pastor, believed to be the model of a good man (Demetrius) and what he believed to
be the model of an evil man (Diotrephes). Then he told them to avoid being like
Diotrephes but to follow those who had a good report among them.

Paul was not quite as patient as John. Paul may be a great comfort to the heart, especially
when you read his prayer for Alexander: Alexander the coppersmith did me much evil:
the Lord rewards him according to his works (2 Timothy 4:14). The extreme action
needed to deal with this kind of person should be rare in the life of a church. Most
people-dealt with in love and patience, will move through conflict satisfactorily.

Many people who cause disturbances in churches tend to be paranoid in their

personalities-tending to feel either persecuted or messianic. Most congregations will have
a person or two like this. If you try to nail them to a cross, you'll wind up with the marks

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in your own hands. And if you try to follow them in their messianic moments, it would
not be long before the take over pastoring the church.

7.3 Working with Difficult People in the Church

Paranoid people want prominence and power. Allowing them to have both will be
disastrous for them and the church. God loves them and wants to help them, and pastors
can help them best by allowing them to have prominence—without power.

What positions would most likely fit this description in your church? Soloists? Choir
members? Hostesses? Ushers? Such positions have legitimate tasks that need to be done
in every congregation. Put paranoid people in places where they are out in the public—
where they are seen and feel important. However, God help you if they get on your
board or become your worship leader or Christian education director!

Why put them in positions of prominence? Because if you can find them a position of
prominence without power, your congregation will see what you see, and the disruptive
efforts of the paranoid people in your church will be contained. They would not be
making decisions or sitting on committees.

Remember, though, even people who recognize such people for who they are will resent
you if you attack paranoid members because the position of pastor is supposed to be
above that kind of behaviour. Ask God to help you separate your feelings from your
sense of responsibility in these situations. This will enable you to act from your position
as pastor and spiritual leader of the congregation instead of from your personal feelings.

Provide prominence without power, trusting that the people of God will keep leadership
where it belongs: in the hands of responsible, mature believers. At the same time, help
your congregation love disruptive people enough to allow the body of Christ to provide
what therapy can be accomplished in their hearts and minds.

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If certain people have only caused you difficulty, you may be the one who needs to
change. Check with other pastors who've had to work with them, and see if they caused
problems in other churches. Find out how they functioned in previous situations of
leadership and power. This is one way fellow pastors can cooperate and help each other.

7.3.1 Disruptive, Manipulative People

When you have to deal with a disruptive, manipulative person on your staff or in your
church, remember that such a person will see your kindness as stupidity. He or she will
try to make your attempts at reason and reconciliation look like evidence of weakness.
And your prolonged patience will be seen as an extended opportunity to manipulate and
exploit the circumstances. If you find yourself caught in the throes of a person's critical
attempt to disrupt the church, it is important to keep your program going as though
nothing had happened—including those justifiable features which may be under
irresponsible attack. Do not publicize conflict. The truth will come out eventually.
Mature members of the church will, in time, see the wisdom of what Paul admonished the
church at Rome to do: Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions
and offenses contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them. For they
that are such serve not our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly; and by good words and
fair speeches deceive the hearts of the simple [innocent] (Romans 16:17,18).

By your words and deeds teach your people what good leadership looks like. And keep
your hand on all levels of the leadership-selection process in your church. This is how
you sustain—and at the same time contain—those unhealthy people in your congregation.
Pray that exposure to the properly functioning body of Christ will bring healing to them
before they can damage the cause of Christ. If you are for something, a person like this
will be against it. They will be against enough things that the people in the congregation
will observe it and still love the person, but they will have better sense than to elect the
disruptive, manipulative person to a position of leadership in the church.

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7.3.2 Disruptive, Argumentative People

Disruptive, argumentative people will make your board or committee meetings even
more difficult than they would otherwise be. They will want to override every other point
of view during your times of deliberation and control the decisions you reach as a group.
Save yourself a headache by keeping these kinds of people in positions of prominence—
without power.

During your deliberation of conflict-laden church business, encourage free discussion of

the issues with all parties involved. In your board meetings and in your departmental and
committee meetings, encourage differing viewpoints. You can do this easily by being
careful how you respond to someone who has given an opposing point of view. Say to
this person in the group meeting, Thank you for sharing from your standpoint. Now, let's
hear from someone else. Try not to move into any planning meeting with such tightly
defined and preconceived plans that there is no room for other opinions. Have the
understanding with your board and your department heads that these meetings are the
place and the time when different viewpoints should be aired and explored for whatever
creative advantage they may have over the plan as initially presented. Others present
may have valid opinions that need to be heard. Remember, you are looking for the best
plan. When there are honest differences, let them be expressed in these kinds of meetings,
to help the group reach a decision that represents the maximum Kingdom potential.

7.3.3 Timid Laypeople

Laypeople with honest convictions are prone to sit too quietly in departmental planning
meetings and on church boards, whether because of their own timidity or because of
overpowering leadership. They often leave without expressing their real feelings during
the meeting. When they get out of the meeting, they are likely to say, I did not really
agree with what the board decided. In trying to avoid the momentary discomfort of an
honest difference of opinion, they have created a longer, deeper discomfort by saying the

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wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time in the wrong place and in the wrong
way.

7.4 Managing Board Conflict

This section will provide 10 tips that can help you manage conflict with your board
before it paralyzes your church. The tips are as follows:

1. Clearly Define the Role of The Board Member: One of the easiest ways to
reduce conflict is to state clearly to potential board members what you expect
from them. Many conflicts come from a board member who has an ill-conceived
idea of his role — ranging from a feeling of powerlessness (I’m simply a puppet)
to a feeling of control (I know what is best for the church). By giving written
guidelines for board members to review before committing to the board,
expectations of membership are clearly set.

2. Look for Potential Areas of Conflict before the Meeting: Take time to
evaluate agenda items before they are presented. Talk with board members
separately to evaluate their positions. If you know someone on the board may
have a problem with a proposal, seek the individual’s counsel in advance. Even if
you disagree, this will give you an opportunity to identify possible solutions to the
areas of potential conflict.

3. Clarify Responsibilities When Assigning Projects: It is important to clarify

exactly what is expected and to receive input from the board member regarding
what he expects so that he can take ownership of the assignment. Assumptions are
often made before, during, and after board meetings regarding the extent to which
a job is expected to be done.

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4. Listen to Your Board: How often do we decide to start talking about what we
want without hearing what the other side wants us to hear? Even when pretending
to listen, we are usually preparing what we are going to say next and do not even
hear what is being said. Take active steps to let board members know you are
listening to them. If you feel your board is not listening to you, first seek to hear
what they are saying before assigning blame or trying to force them into a
position they might not be ready to accept. They might see a negative side to a
situation that you did not see.

5. Separate the Personality from the Problem: Have you ever had a board
member whose personality is different from yours? He usually is the most vocal
of all the board members (at least it seems that way). This problem can be
accentuated by the fact the individual can make statements and even questions
sound like accusations. Rather than going on the defensive when an issue arises,
focus on the solution to the problem Analyze the issue rather than the individual.

6. Avoid A Battle Of The Wills: Many conflicts degenerate into a battle of wills
when people seemingly become entrenched in irreconcilable positions. When a
conflict first surfaces, focus on the underlying goal that all want to see
accomplished. If you have a contentious item, work on other items that may help
to resolve the more difficult situation. Above all, avoid insults or implications that
challenge integrity, intelligence, and/or motives.

7. Endeavour to Hear All Sides Of A Conflict: Rarely does a major conflict have
a solution acceptable to all. However, if an effort is made to hear all sides of a
conflict, a course of action can at least be explained based on all the information
presented. If in a later meeting someone tries to revive the issue, answers can be
provided based on the board discussion, thus reducing conflicts over the issue.

8. Determine Why You Feel There Is A Conflict: Many conflicts are a matter of
perception or escalate because someone has not thought it through. The advice to

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 count to 10 before responding to someone in anger is good, but we should go a
step further and ask if the situation is worth engaging in a conflict at all. Is there a
conflict because you did not get your way? Or is it a conflict because you left out
information needed to make a decision? Only by asking the question can you get
the answer.

9. Do Not Take Comments About Ideas Personally: It is difficult to engage in

debate over matters that are near the heart. Many take comments personally or
react to criticism as if it is an attack on the individual. Over a period of time this
results in a feeling of rejection that can lead to taking sides in a perceived conflict.

10. Consider Enlisting The Help Of A Third Party: If a conflict becomes too
difficult to resolve, do not be afraid to ask for help. Don’t succumb to the idea that
you can handle everything or that the conflict will simply go away. Seek help
from fellow pastors or from a lawyer trained in conflict resolution.

How do we address the issue of conflict and discipline in the church? One option is the
formation of a conflict resolution committee with individuals trained to help church
members resolve their disputes in compliance with the standard of Scripture rather than
simply the law of man. A peacemaker committee ideally would have the same status as
the most important committees of the church and be under the direct supervision of the
senior pastor. A committee of this nature could take many forms, but some
commonalities of such a committee should be considered for constructively resolving
conflicts.

7.5 Biblical Reconciliation

Whenever sin is involved it is simply not enough to say “I’m sorry” or “I apologize. An
apology is an inadequate humanistic substitute for the real thing. Nowhere do the
Scriptures require, or even encourage, apologizing. To say ‘I’m sorry’ is a human dodge

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for doing what God has commanded. ” The biblical response is to say: “Yes, I am guilty.
I have sinned against you. Will you forgive me?” The reason that an apology is
inadequate when actual sin has occurred is because it does not elicit a proper biblical
response.

When a Christians admits his guilt and then says: “Will you forgive me? The Christian
who has come to confront him regarding his sin must say: “Yes, I forgive you.” He must
either explicitly forgive or openly rebel against God. When the brother says, “I forgive
you,” he promises never to bring the matter up against you; never to bring the matter up
again to others (even his wife); and never to bring the matter up to himself by dwelling
on it and dredging up bitterness, etc. This is biblical reconciliation. Apologies are fine
when sin is not involved but they should never be used as a substitute for biblical
reconciliation.

In a number of passages, God is revealed as the one who brings peace. Come behold the
works of the Lord, who has made desolations in the earth. He makes wars to cease to the
end of the earth: He breaks the bows and cuts the spear in two. He burns the chariot in the
fire (Psalm 46, 8-9).

This and other scriptures proclaim how God is actively involved in the affairs of men,
and there are at least eleven different examples in the Bible of God intervening to help
men resolve their differences with each other.

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 CHAPTER EIGHT
BIBLICAL TEACHING ON CONFLICT AVOIDANCE

The Bible provides wisdom and tools we need to properly manage conflict that comes our
way. It provides an insight to help us avoid getting into the kind of destructive conflict
that can sidetrack us and take us away from our mission.

8.1 David’s Example of How to Avoid Conflict

The story of how David dealt with his brother Eliab is one to share on conflict avoidance
(1 Samuel chapter 17, 1-58). Israel was at war with their enemy the Philistines, and Eliab
was one of Israel’s soldiers. When David came to the soldier’s camp and offered the
fighting men some words of encouragement, his brother Eliab got angry with him, and
attacked him with insulting words.

Now Eliab, David’s oldest brother heard David speaking with the men in the battle field
and Eliab’s anger was aroused against David, and he said, why did you come down here?
And with whom have you left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know your pride and
the insolence of your heart, for you have come down to see the battle (1 Samuel 17: 28)
When people call us names or say insulting words to us like this, it usually makes us
angry. It causes most of us to fight back or to defend ourselves. Instead of arguing back,
David remained focused on the important task at hand, and chose to walk away.

And David said, what have I done now? Is there not a cause? Then he turned from him
toward another and said the same thing (1 Samuel Chapter 17, 29-30). If David had
allowed himself to be sidetracked at this pointed, he may have never gotten the
opportunity to defeat Goliath and bring victory to Israel.

Fight or flight, aggression or avoidance – neither of these strategies provides an effective

long-term technique for managing conflict because we have different temperaments,

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some of us are less confrontational than others. Still, a good leader must develop the skill
of confronting others when necessary. King David provides a negative example for us in
the way he mismanaged his conflict with his son Absalom (2 Samuel 14:1-15:37).

Absalom had heard that his half-brother Amnon had raped his sister Tamar, yet he had
failed to confront Amnon. Instead, he deceitfully arranged for Amnon’s murder two years
later and fled after the deed had been done (2 Samuel 13).

King David had also failed to discipline Amnon (13:21-22), and now he was shirking his
responsibility to settle his conflict with Absalom, even though his son longed to see him.
David relented only after Joab entreated him to restore Absalom following three years of
banishment. But even after allowing him back into the city, David refused to see
Absalom for another two years until Absalom forced the issue and the meeting did take
place. But it was too late; Absalom had become embittered against his father and
conspired to take the kingdom away from him.

David’s conflict avoidance strategy not only failed to work but eventually caused the
conflict to escalate. Had he dealt promptly with the issues surrounding Amnon and
Absalom, Amnon’s murder and Absalom’s conspiracy might have been averted.

How Gideon, the general over Israel’s army, dealt with the men from Ephraim is a
second good example of conflict avoidance. While Gideon’s army was in the middle of
defeating the Midianites, the men of Ephraim approached with these angry words: Why
have you done this to us by not calling us when you went to fight the Midianites? And
they reprimanded him sharply (Judges 8: 1). These men were upset with Gideon’s battle
strategy and how he chose to use them in the warfare. Gideon was right to be upset with
them because they were being insubordinate to his leadership. But, since they were in the
middle of the battle, it was not the proper time to deal with this matter. Addressing the
problem at this point probably would have led to an argument, which may have
sidetracked him, or brought disunity in the ranks. These things could have also kept
Gideon and his men from defeating the Midianites. Instead of dealing with the problem

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head on, Gideon chose to temporarily sidestep this issue by trying to abate these men’s
anger. His plan worked.

So he said to them, what have I done now in comparison with you? Is not the gleaning of
the grapes of Ephraim better than the vintage of Abiezer? God has delivered into your
hand the princes of Midian, Oreb and Zeeb. And what was I able to do in comparison
with you? Then their anger towards him was subsided ` when he said that (Judges 8: 2-3).
He offered them a well-timed compliment for the good work they had done instead of
correcting them. What Gideon did here falls in line with the wisdom of Proverbs 15,
verse 1 which says; A soft answers turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.

8.2 Important Rules in Resolving Conflict with a Christian Brother

Let us now consider some important rules in resolving conflict with a Christian brother

1. Point out major faults and forego the minor ones

Major faults which are causing us to do or say destructive things to each other should
always be pointed out because they are the kind of things that needs to be corrected. But,
we are to overlook the minor faults we see in each other, instead of taking the time to
meet about them and make a major case over them.

The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and it is a glory to overlook a
transgression. Proverbs 19:11and Colossians 3:12-13 confirms that these minor faults are
things we are to put up with in each another. Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy
and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humility of mind, meekness, longsuffering;
forbearing with one another, and forgiving one another. If we make it appear that the
minor faults are major wrongs when we bring them into the discussion, the person we are
accusing will see this as knit picking, or making a mountain out of a molehill. More than
likely, this will make him angry, and nothing productive will come out of the meeting.

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2. Try to make sure you have the facts right before you accuse someone of
something

To do this, you need to have done as thorough an investigation of the facts as possible.
You should have reliable and trustworthy evidence, instead of relying on information you
have gotten through rumours or hearsay. If you do not take these steps, you may end up
embarrassing yourself by falsely accusing someone of wrong. This is what happened at
Joshua chapter 22:9-31 when some of the tribes of Israel relied on hearsay evidence and
falsely accused some other tribes of a wrong they were not guilty of. When we falsely
accuse someone, it usually starts a quarrel between us and the person we accuse. In
response to being wrongly accused, the person accused will commonly get angry with us,
and lash back or attack us.

In cases where you suspect someone may have an evil motive toward you or is holding a
grudge against you, you should approach them in a gentle, nonthreatening way to find out
what the truth is about their motives. King David used this approach when he was not
sure if the men who approached him in the wilderness were friends or coming as enemies
to betray him.

And there came of the children of Benjamin and Judah to the hold unto David. And
David went out to meet them, and answered and said unto them, if ye become peaceably
unto me to help me, mine heart shall be knit unto you: but if ye become to betray me to
mine enemies, seeing there is no wrong in mine hands, the God of our fathers look
thereon, and rebuke it (1 Chronicles 12:16-17). By using the word “if”, David made it
clear that he was not accusing them of anything wrong. He was not sure of their
intentions and he wanted to find out the truth from them.

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3. Point out faults meekly and humbly

Galatians chapter 6, verse 1 confirms this: Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye

which are spiritual, restore such a one in the spirit of meekness; considering yourself, lest
you also be tempted. If you do this gently, the person you are accusing may hear what
you say and be willing to correct the problem. But if you make the accusation with harsh
tones, put downs or name calling, the person may get angry with you, which commonly
lead to more arguments. As Proverbs chapter 15, verse 1b indicates, “... but, grievous
words stir up anger”.

4. If you are accused, listen carefully to the charges, and then respond

James chapter 1, verse 19 confirms that we should listen carefully, and take our time
before we answer charges: “Be swift to hear, slow to speak...” (Proverbs 15:28) also
confirms this wisdom: “The heart of the righteous studies how to answer; but the mouth
of the wicked pours forth evil”.

If we answer before we hear and understand all the charges, we will not be giving a
proper answer to what is being said. Proverbs 18:13 confirms this when it says, “He that
answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him”. Once you have heard
and understood the accusation, then you need to make a full response to the charges. If
you feel that the person accusing you is misguided in his statements or charges, you will
need to fully explain to him why you think he is mistaken. This may help bring an end to
misunderstandings or any false charges or misrepresentations that were brought against
you. .

If the claim that you have done wrong is correct, admit the truth, ask for forgiveness, and
be willing to straighten out the wrong you have done. You are not to lie about this, or try
to justify your wrong conduct.

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5. Make countercharges when it is proper and beneficial

A counter charge occurs when the one who originally was accused turns the tables and
makes claims against the one who accused him. Counter charges should never be made to
try to evade responsibility for wrong that you have done. A counter charge can and
should be made when you are bringing up the subject so that all the important issues in
the conflict are put on the table to be resolved.

The timing of raising a counter charge is very important. If you make the counter charge
directly on the heels of the charges made by the other person, it is likely that the other
person will think that you are trying avoid dealing with the issues he has raised. This may
cause further discussions to be unfruitful.

For this reason, it is probably best to fully deal with the person’s original charges first
before you raise the counter charge.

This is exactly what Abraham did when Abimelech accused him of dealing falsely with
him (Genesis 21:22-26). In response to this charge, the first thing Abraham did was to
immediately admit his wrong and agree to change his conduct in the future. After
Abraham fully dealt with the charge against him, he then raises the counter-charge
against Abimelech. He accused Abimelech’s men of taking wells from them that
Abraham’s servants had dug. As these men openly discussed these issues and admitted
their wrongs to each other, they were able to fully deal with the things that separated
them and make peace.

8.3 The Relationship between Anger and Conflict

Dealing with anger is important in resolving conflict because anger is often a major part
of the problem. Whenever you deal with strife, the subject of anger will usually come up.
In most quarrels, one, some or all the people in conflict are angry in some way.

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The scriptures also confirm the connection of anger and conflict. In many of the disputes
discussed in the Bible, anger is either mentioned or the manifestations of anger are
exhibited by the people in conflict. According to the scriptures, our destructive anger
must be addressed because it is one of the main causes for us starting fights with each
other. An angry man stirs up strife, and a furious man abounds in transgression (Proverbs,
29:22).

Besides causing us to start quarrels, our angry responses to improper words spoken to us
or actions done against us cause us to stir up or add fuel to the flames of conflict fires,
instead of abating anger or quenching the fires of conflict. Our intense or uncontrolled
anger also keeps us from rationally discussing our differences with each other. This
problem can cause us to remain in conflict when a solution for peace is available. When
we yell at each other instead of calmly discussing our disagreements, we often make the
conflict worse. Anger often needs to be dealt with in order to provide people in conflict a
complete remedy for resolving their disagreements.

The relationship between anger and conflict cover the following four problems areas
outlined in the scriptures:

1. The Reason for Anger: You need to understand anger and how to deal with the
unjustified anger in you that causes conflict. Ephesians 4:26 reveals that anger can
be justified, when it says: “Be angry and do not sin ...” Matthew 5:22 reveals that
some anger is unjustified. But I say to you whoever is angry with his brother
without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. The words “without a cause
mean without a just cause.

2. Intensity of Anger: Daniel 3:13 is a passage which describes someone with

intense anger: “Then Nebuchadnezzar, in rage and fury...” This kind of intense
anger can cause people to do violence or destructive things to hurt others and end
relationships. Genesis 49:5-7 reveals what this kind of rage caused Simeon and

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 Levi to do: Simeon and Levi are brothers; Instruments of cruelty are in their
dwelling place. Let not my soul enter their council; Let not my honour be united
to their assembly; For in their anger they slew a man, and in their self will they
hamstrung an ox. Cursed be their anger, for it is fierce; And their wrath for it is
cruel.

3. Length of Anger: Ephesians 4:26 warns us about anger which lasts too long: “...
do not let the sun go down on your wrath...”. Anger which continues over time
produces destructive behavior. It also causes resentment and bitterness to grow in
our hearts.

4. Speed to Anger: Proverbs 14:17 touches on the problem of being quick to anger:
“A quick tempered man acts foolishly...”. Proverbs 15:18 describes the benefits
of being slow to anger: “A wrathful man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to
anger allays contention”.

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 PART III
STRATEGIES FOR CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

CHAPTER NINE
CONFLICT MANAGEMENT IN THE WORKPLACE

Managing and resolving conflict requires emotional maturity, self-control, and empathy.
Otherwise, it can be tricky, frustrating, and even frightening. Most managers know that
people interacting in the workplace can often lead to conflict. This common office event
will always arise and managers must know how to identify and deal with conflict.

Conflict comes from different perspectives among different individuals. Perceptions and
ideas stem from society norms, individual values or religious morals.

9.1 Understanding Conflict in the Work Place

Conflict is the clash of opposing attitudes, ideas, behaviors, goals, and needs. Conflict in
the workplace can arise from many different ways or sources. Included are:
◦ Differences in goals and objectives;
◦ Jurisdictional (authority) ambiguities;
◦ Communication barriers and misinterpretation of communications;
◦ ;Personal characteristics of key group members;
◦ Competition for resources in the organization;
◦ Disagreements over performance standards;
◦ Inability to reach consensus.

One should distinguish and separate personal and substantive elements of a conflict.
Managers and leaders should focus on the substantive issues as a key to successful

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conflict resolution. Managers and leaders approach resolution of conflict differently
simply because of their approach to organizational operations.

9.2 Managing Personal Conflict or Conflict among Individuals

Personal conflict can exist between individuals or between groups. A distinguishing

characteristic of personal conflict is that it is based largely on negative feelings about
individuals or groups and less on substantive issues. The parties involved just do not like
each other or are jealous of something the other has or something the other has done or
has failed to do. Some conflicts within a group may also exist because of personality
differences or for any number of other reasons. Conflict between individuals is as old as
people on this planet are. Some sources of personal conflict can be deep-rooted feelings,
differences in standards of conduct, values, business philosophies, or other intangible
factors. When personal conflict becomes unproductive for the organization or is in
conflict with the mission or goals of the organization, it becomes necessary to intervene
and manage it.

There are many courses of action available to both managers as well as leaders for
managing conflict among individuals. Significantly, the courses of action taken by
managers are not always the same courses that would be used by leaders. One method for
dealing with personal conflict calls for meeting with the individuals involved: a simple
meeting between the conflicting parties to communicate to them that the ability to get
along with others is a key factor in determining continuing employment and future
advancement. Simply by calling together two individuals involved in a personal conflict
to discuss their conflict may encourage them to resolve their differences. If the two agree
to work together, allow them to work it out between one another, but continue to monitor
the situation. If they are unwilling to resolve their differences between themselves, there
are several options. If it is important that the two individuals continue to work on the
same project, a manager may be able to modify the workflow by using third person as a
go-between or buffer.

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Sometimes simply changing the office arrangement to separate the two will help. If
keeping them on the same project is not important, reassign one to a different project.
Leaders on the other hand may consider the same course of action but approach it in an
entirely different way.

Most of the time, personal conflicts arise between individuals; but sometimes personal
conflicts occur between groups and can frequently be traced to individuals who are, or
were, in the group. Further strategies for managing conflict are related to the differences
between leaders and managers. Leaders may be more adept or effective in managing
differences between people than managers based on a leader’s ability to empower people
through a vision that enables them to see how they are part of the solution to a larger
problem and to recognize their importance to accomplishing a mission. Managers, on the
other hand, often want to formalize issues, strategize a plan to deal with the issues,
reorganize work to better control the issues, or prepare memoranda that define and
describe the issues.

Leaders know that some differences between people are natural, and some people want to
feel they have been heard. While some personal conflicts are inevitable, leaders by virtue
of their vision have a way to get followers to put away their differences to achieve
something greater than themselves. At times, however, a simple solution may be all that
is needed, and some managers also can quickly and competently solve the problem.

9.3 Managing Substantive Conflict

Substantive conflict is conflict beyond the individual level and can include conflict
between groups and between positions in the organization. These organizational conflicts
are based primarily on disagreements over specific issues such as the allocation of
resources, different organizational goals or objectives, control of personnel, changes in
the organizational structure, or different priorities. Like other types of conflict within an
organization, substantive conflicts may have some personal overtones. Yet because

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substantive conflicts are rooted in actual differences rather than personal issues,
substantive conflicts may be easier to resolve than personal conflicts because individuals
are less likely to perceive such conflicts as personal challenges.

In cases of substantive conflict, managers may be better equipped to resolve the conflict
than leaders, because managers are more likely to be familiar with issues involving
resources, operations, and time management. Leaders, on the other hand, are typically
not involved with the issues at the same level of detail. Once the issues are identified by
each individual, along with their recommendations for resolution, managers may have an
easier time meeting with the individuals to resolve the conflict. The individuals may also
resolve the issues by themselves, with the manager acting more as a facilitator than an
arbitrator. This often occurs when it is the first time each party hears the other party’s
views. Another approach is for the manager to ask the conflicting parties to try to reach a
compromise on their own, with the understanding that the manger will become involved
only if they cannot agree.

When successful, this technique has another advantage: it develops the ability to resolve
conflicts without requiring a mediator. In conflicts that involve a mixture of personal and
substantive conflicts, the manager must first separate the personal issues from the
substantive ones, and then deal with each separately. This may be difficult to do. People
tend to mask personal conflicts with substantive issues, and substantive issues frequently
lead to personal conflicts. In other words, if individuals or groups have a personal
conflict, they may easily find substantive issues about which they can disagree. Thus,
persistence in continuing the effort to get at the root causes of conflict is necessary in a
strategic sense. Again, managers often have some advantages over leaders in doing so;
but, when conflict becomes unproductive, leaders can provide strong motivation to bring
people to a resolution through a sense of empowerment by helping them see “the big
picture” or vision.

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9.4 Strategies for Managing Inter-Group Conflict

When conflict occurs between two groups, the managers or leaders of those groups
should take steps to resolve the conflict by examining the conflict from the perspective of
each group. This will help to identify the problems being experienced by each group and
may lead to an intelligent compromise. Strategies for managing inter-group conflict are
discussed below.

1) Control the Issues

Controlling the issues provides several ways for leaders and managers to depersonalize
conflict while analyzing issues and identifying particular aspects of a conflict that are
amenable to change. Typically, this strategy involves problem-solving and compromise
approaches to resolving conflict.

The first step in controlling the issues is to define the parties to a dispute. As we noted,
inter-group conflicts may be based on a personal conflict between group leaders or
individuals. Also, when individuals or groups have a personal conflict, they may easily
find substantive issues about which they can disagree. Defining the parties to a dispute
separates personal conflicts from substantive conflicts and individual conflicts from
group conflicts. This strategy refocuses the substantive conflict away from personal
conflict and often reduces inter-group conflict that may have become infused with issues
of personal conflict.

The second step in controlling the issues is to separate the issues (fractioning) into their
smallest component by breaking them down, much like finding the lowest common
denominator of a fraction. Professor Robert Miles describes this step as follows:

o Fractionating conflict issues involves separating issues into their smallest

components and dealing with them separately in an attempt to make it easier to
resolve major disputes. This approach helps to avoid stalemates by making it

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 possible for one party to concede on one issue without feeling that it has lost the
entire contest.

o Piecemeal settlements also recognize that everything cannot be done at once and
permits progress in certain areas while other integral issues in the conflict are still
being worked on.

The third step in controlling the issues is to limit the strength and scope of precedents.
This step is important in creating an atmosphere that supports compromise. When the
groups or individuals involved in a conflict believe that resolution of the conflict will set
a precedent affecting future decisions, the groups become much more rigid and
uncompromising in their positions.

Reducing the strength and scope of any precedent in reaching a resolution tends to
increase each group’s flexibility in negotiations.

2) Physically Separate the Groups

Separating the groups involved in inter-group conflict may be possible when the groups
are not closely interdependent and when the conflict must not be resolved immediately.
However, physical separation does not resolve the conflict and can intensify it if
separation simply allows opportunities for group members to reaffirm or intensify their
attitudes. Thus, it is important that mangers and leaders actively maintain communication
with each group and reaffirm support for each group independently. When carefully
handled, this strategy may temporarily defuse conflict by limiting interaction between the
parties and give them time to identify and address core issues that may be amenable to
compromise.

3) Require Intense Interaction

The strategy of bringing two groups together to interact openly and intensely with each
other may provide opportunities for members to confront their disagreements, bring them

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to an understanding of one another’s perspectives, find common ground, and exhaust
their differences. This strategy may involve frequent meetings between the groups or
structured group activities that are led by skilled group process facilitators. This approach
is most effective when both parties to the conflict have an incentive to resolve the conflict
and are committed to reaching a resolution without further escalation of conflict. This
strategy also requires and managers and leaders to support the group process.

4) Structure the Meeting Context

The strategy of structuring the meeting context lends itself to group problem-solving and
compromise approaches to conflict resolution by creating a neutral place and time for
conflicting groups to meet. Developing a meeting context in which the groups meet on
neutral ground away from the site of confrontation is designed to re-balance the power
between the groups and eliminate distractions from the problem-solving process. The
meeting context is further defined by a specific time limit for discussions that is
communicated in advance to both groups. The awareness of time restrictions or deadlines
may make the groups more inclined to agree on specific issues before they can reach a
resolution.

5) Facilitate Inter-group Dialogue

Facilitating inter-group dialogue is a strategy for moving groups away from personal
issues toward problem-solving approaches and compromise. This strategy requires
managers to mediate between groups by restating the issues from each group’s point of
view; encouraging reactions from group members; and providing observations. A neutral
facilitator is a positive force for conflict resolution. The manager must also be able to
sense when the groups are ready to meet and confront their differences. Premature
confrontation can intensify the conflict and a tardy confrontation is also problematic.

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 CHAPTER TEN
THE PASTOR’S ROLE IN MANAGING CHURCH CONFLICT

In this unit we will attempt to handle the issue of the Pastor’s role in managing conflict.

10.1 Healing the Soul of the Church

The Apostle Paul prayed a deeply sensitive prayer that relates eloquently to church
conflict. “I pray God,” he said, “that your whole spirit, soul and body will be preserved
blameless until the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Thess. 5:23).

Usually churches do quite well with the first third of that prayer. After all, churches are
about the business of eternal salvation. Those churches which provide recreational
programs, exercise classes, support groups, and care for the poor and needy also do fairly
well with the last third of the prayer. But churches are stymied (blocked) by the middle
part of the prayer—the preservation of the soul.

Paul did pray for the psyche, or “inner senses” of the believer. That is what the social
scientist is concerned with when he studies human behavior, and it is what the
psychologists describe when they discuss human differences. It is reasonable to suggest
that to complete Paul’s prayer, the church must better learn how to bring everyone’s
distinct feelings and sensitivities captive to the obedience of Christ.

The combination of the spiritual ideas latent in 1 Thessalonians 5:23 and 2 Corinthians
10:5 provide the paradigm for church conflict resolution. The conflict which is in view in
the following discussion is conflict where the pastor is not party to the conflict. Where
the pastor is party to the conflict, the following discussion is a propos to the pastor also in
his relationship within the church. It is also a propos to conference leadership as they
seek to help the church in resolving their internal struggle.

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Churches are collection of people with different systems of internal wiring and we must
recognize those differences if we want people to be whole and at peace with themselves,
each other, and with God. That means, in part, that we must find ways to conduct our
church activities in such ways that differences are recognized, respected, and resourced,
rather than being rejected or destroyed.

There are differences in personality structure. However, they are not the only cause for
misunderstanding and dysfunction in churches. Lack of communication skills between
people and divergences in theological priorities are two others. A fourth is the presence
of deeply-seated personality disorders—even among Christians.

10.2 Conflict Care is Specialized Ministry

For pastors of troubled churches, ministry cannot be viewed as “business as usual.” One
cannot relate to troubled people as fully rational beings, capable of making and keeping
bona fide agreements. And troubled church systems cannot be led as if they were healthy
systems. If they are so treated, they will only become less healthy, and the pastor or
leader will ultimately be caught by painful surprise and sadly fail in his heavenly calling.

Pastors of churches under stress must think of themselves as specialists. They must care
for people according to the special, “soulish” needs of their wounded pseuche, and not
merely conduct “church as usual.” There must be a certain type of good, strong, focused
preaching, honest worship, sincere praying, and genuine comfort, but the counseling
program and administrative style must change drastically.

Counseling for disordered and under-developed types of people must take place within
the context of a deep pastoral understanding of the type of underdevelopment manifested,
and also within the context of appropriate biblical mandates. In such cases, the pastor
must truly “speak for God,” without usurping his/her authority over the lives of people. If

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possible, people must be gently urged to grow in Christ without commanding them so
strongly that they regress instead.

The administrative leadership style of a pastor in a troubled church must be that of a

loving but firm parent who presents clear outer boundaries to the children, while allowing
them to develop slowly within the parameters of their own ability to grow. Disordered
people can serve God, even if they cannot get along very well with each other or even
with the pastor. But in such cases the pastor must be more than just a pastor; he must be
skilled in the taming of hearts. It is true that only God can ultimately tame the heart, but it
is also true that God desires to use sensitive, skilled human agents in that effort.

10.3 Suggestions for Conflict Care

Pastors, who are able to move from general ministry to specialization in conflict care,
must begin by teaching their people a new way of behaving and communicating. It is of
the first order of importance that church people in conflict learn to listen to each other
more objectively. A pastor can help his members learn to listen objectively by first
modeling good listening in his conversations with them, and then by helping them learn
how to do it with others. In practicing and teaching good listening, the following
techniques are helpful:

 Reduce fear in the other person by legitimizing their right to be heard, and by
receiving what they say as validly being their view of things.

 Practice the art of active listening, by affirming the statements and feelings of
the speaker as being their own, and by giving them permission to be
vulnerable in the presence of another without being victimized for it.

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  Attend to the thoughts and feelings being spoken, so that the speaker gains a
sense of being heard. Do not give the sense of taking sides with or against the
speaker, but rather seek clarification both for yourself and for the speaker.

The second step in developing better communication and group behavior is to help
people learn how to clarify perceptions and avoid assumptions. The technique that can be
most useful is to practice and teach the Report-Repeat-Clarify trio of “shuttle
communication.”

A third step to be followed in developing better group behavior is to teach people how
better to relate to each other. Biblical statements such as Philippians 2:4, Ephesians 4:26
and 5:21, and Colossians 3:9 and 15 must be presented as absolute rules of Christian
behavior, and then explicated carefully and specifically with illustrations and examples.
Ways of implementation include:

 Teaching people how to let an initial wave of emotion pass without imputing
grave sin to the occasion.

 Helping people understand that feelings are not bad; only bad behavior is bad.
Sin is not in the initial thought; it is in the extension of the thought to
malicious words and deeds. That is, internalization of sin had to do with
“dwelling” on the thought, not having the initial thought.

 Encouraging people to say something good about another person or event

before saying what they don’t like about it. Show that the Apostle Paul
generally followed that rule, and then extended it by making critical
statements only in constructive and positive ways.

 Showing people that in the biblical narrative, collaboration was many times
more useful than confrontation in resolving differences (Thomas, 1988). This,

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 however, requires that one follow up with teaching on how collaboration
works.

A fourth step in developing healthier behavior in church groups is the process of

empowering weaker members of the group to act and to speak forth. Empowerment may
be either an event or a process, but it must be directed toward the individual who does not
feel strong enough to participate in the decision-making process. Sometimes
empowerment is an event. During a conversation, board or committee meeting, or even a
group or congregational meeting, the pastor or group leader may expedite the inclusion of
a shy person in the discussion. This may occur either by calling his/her name, motioning
towards him during a pause in the conversation, or asking for “additional comments from
those of you who have not spoken yet.” At other times empowerment may take the form
of a process, as the pastor or committed lay leader works with an individual in personal
discipleship and sometimes in counseling. The goal should be the development of
personal resources together with courage to begin to participate in group process where
they have for too long been silent.

10.4 When Conflict Gets Out of Hand

Once the conflict gets out of hand, the pastor who is committed to church ministry rather
than conflict therapy is better advised quickly to seek outside help than to try to address
the issues him/herself. Not doing so only saps the energy for ministry and postpones the
day of departure from that field.

It is true that some church lay leadership groups are not quick to seek out the right kind of
help, and it is also true that the right kind of help is not always easily found. The right
way to convince reluctant leadership groups to seek outside help is to image for them
what Level Three and successively intense and escalating conflicts will do to the church
group. Beyond that, the busy pastor, active in general ministry should refuse to engage in
their own private conflict interventions.

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The right kind of outside help is help provided by professionals who are not emotionally
connected to the outcome of the conflict. Such help could range anywhere from a (local)
pastoral colleague to Christian Legal Society interventionists to one of several nationally
known church conflict specialists. In any case, however, there must be equal
commitment to truth, soul care, objectivity, and fair play. Both the pastor and the
polarized groups in the church should equally submit themselves to care, so that the
whole work of God might move forward again.

Some people do not want to change. Some people do not know how to change. Other
people cannot deal with change. In any case they must be helped to change according to
their own readiness and willingness, and in keeping with their own personality profile
and stage of development in life. If they are not ready, the church must wait until they
are, and they in turn must allow the church to move forward as God leads the church. In
such cases persons may be reassigned to places of service where they can be more fully
utilized and fulfilled, without butting their heads against the walls of change to their
spiritual destruction.

This kind of renegotiation requires strong—and sensitive—pastors. They must be sure

that the wagon can bear the freight of such reassignment, and that diffusing potentially
explosive situations can happen gradually enough so that more is not lost than gained.

In a troubled church, one must take the initial stance that no one is wrong and no one is
right. Rather, each individual possesses a sliver of truth, which is often mistaken for the
whole truth. The task of the pastor (and the interventionist) in a troubled church is to help
each person own each other’s truth, so that eventually they may all claim the whole truth.
Sometimes conflict spreads to the point of consuming the energies of the whole church.
Conflict specialists have identified recognizable phases of the progression of conflict in
an organization or a church.

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Phase One: Sparks
Description Intervention
 People have minor  Never allow the growth of the church to shift emphasis
disagreements over their goals, away from the value of the individual. When 10 to 15
needs, perspectives, value, percent feel "used" for the cause, the organization will
methods, or interests. move to phase two.
 Hold leadership retreats for spiritual and relational
 People can still be led to work development.
through their disagreements by  Promptly respond to complaints. Things seldom correct
acceptance, approval, or themselves.
appreciation.  Review the church master plan annually with the
church to keep ownership high.
 People express disagreements
through minor power plays.
Phase Two: Sparks Igniting the Storm
 People become uneasy with each other  Reject a wait-and-see attitude.
because of perceived unfairness.  Acknowledge there’s a problem and call for
 Diversity is despised and not affirmed. prayer and fasting.
 Discussions reinforce their positions.  Hold spiritual life meetings with a neutral
 The groups discuss strategy to handle visiting speaker.
future meetings.  Exercise church discipline when appropriate.
 Opposition is depersonalized by  Involve neutral mediators to settle the
characterization. disturbance.
 Concern for personal image heightens.
Phase Three: Firestorm in Full Fury
 Slander is the common form of communication.  Hire a crisis management
 People become identified with strong positions. consultant.
 Leaders emerge on each side.  Prayerfully determine if there’s an
 Organizational structure is used as a weapon. The evil core to the conflict, and start
constitution and bylaws are used to leverage church discipline.

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 positions.  Balance grace and justice.
 Each side believes they understand the other’s  Consult a Christian attorney to make
wrong motives. sure that issues are handled in a way
 The pastor is usually in a no-win position and has a that does not provoke a lawsuit.
50-50 chance of weathering the conflict.  Be decisive.
Phase Four: Consuming Winds
 The conflict has spread to 10 percent of the  Work closely with the consultant.
leadership and 20 percent of the body.  Teach solid biblical truths on spiritual
 Facts are hard to find. Arguments are emotion- warfare.
based.  Do not allow Scripture to be used as a
 Fighting is seen as the only option because weapon.
neither side believes the other is capable of  Minister to the faithful who are not
change. involved in the controversy. Do not
 A subgroup’s power is seen as more valuable allow them to be neglected.
than the entire organization.  Do not let the conflict become the
 The reputation of the church is damaged in the pulpit theme.
community.  Call the congregation to prayer and
 Prayer and Scripture are used to justify personal fasting. Do not divulge sensitive
ideologies. information but get the church
 Revival and spiritual warfare are talked about in involved.
a quick fix manner.  Whether it is best to stay or leave.
 Board members improperly use church Sometimes parting is best for all
discipline. parties.
Phase Five: The Final Burn
 Conflict may lead to litigation.  Set up task forces to discover the complexities of each
 The object now is to discredit group’s complaints. Make the complexity apparent to all
and destroy. Winning is no in order to avoid simplistic thinking.
longer enough.  Hire a neutral party to do a fact-finding procedure. When
 The church has moved from people feel heard, it bleeds out the emotional tension.
mediation to arbitration.  Refocus the church’s efforts on problem solving.

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 An outside party officiates the  Do not hesitate to eliminate non-functioning ministries
dismantling of the or sell excess property. Preserve potential resources for
organization. future ministry.
Phase Six: Rebuilding on Burnt Timber
 One group may start a new church, while other people  If the pastor resigns,
scatter to other churches. hire a trained interim
 Some people (often the youth of the families involved) are lost pastor to prevent the
to the faith due to bitterness. cycle from repeating
 A faithful remnant will remain with the property and the itself.
ministry as it either dies or struggles with minimal effectiveness  Invite a speaker to
for years. speak to your remnant
 Resentment lingers between those who departed and those who on themes of
stayed. unconditional love,
 With proper leadership and time, the church can emerge. forgiveness, and unity.

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 CHAPTER ELEVEN
THE PLACE OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION IN THE CHURCH

11.1 The Christians Approach to Conflict

Here are twelve hints on how to manage conflicts in a Christian way.

1. Go before God until you get His perspective on the conflict. Do not act or speak
out of rashness, anger or a sense of injustice. Moses had to learn this, his
impetuous loss of temper in conflict situations cost him 40 years in the wilderness
on one occasion and the loss of entry to the Promised Land on another. However,
when Moses did get God's perspective on situations he was able to intercede with
power and resolve even the most difficult of situations such as national apostasy
and idol worship, religious rebellion and "takeover bids".

2. Remember God is bigger than the problem. The God who created the heavens and
the earth is able to deal with giants in the Promised Land, fortified cities and huge
warriors called Goliath. Pray through the problem until you begin to walk by faith
and not by sight. Keep praying until you begin to see the problem just like a small
pebble in the hand of an Almighty God.

3. Act in the "opposite spirit". If a person is stingy be generous to them. If a person

is insultingly aggressive, turn the other cheek. If they impose on you do even
more for them than is asked of you. Return love for hatred and prayers for
persecution. This actually does work. It transforms both lives too! Instead of
returning evil for evil and causing the problem to escalate you must learn how to
overcome evil with good. When combined with persistence in doing good, this is
a powerful life-transforming weapon against evil. It can produce deep harmony
out of raging conflict (Matthew 5:38-48 NKJV). "You have heard that it was
said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' "But I tell you not to resist an evil

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 person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also.
{Verse 40} "If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have
your cloak also. {Verse 41} "And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with
him two. {Verse 42} "Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to
borrow from you do not turn away. {Verse 43} "You have heard that it was said,
'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' {Verse 44} "But I say to
you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate
you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, {Verse 45}
"that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the
evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. {Verse 46} "For
if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax
collectors do the same? {Verse 47} "And if you greet your brethren only, what do
you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? {Verse 48}
"Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect. (Romans
12:17-21 NKJV) Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the
sight of all men. {Verse 18} If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live
peaceably with all men. {Verse 19} Beloved, do not avenge yourselves and do not
give place to wrath; for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the
Lord. {Verse 20} Therefore "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; If he is thirsty,
give him a drink; For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head." {Verse
21} Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

4. Read Proverbs until you know it backwards. There is so much wise advice on
problem solving and human nature in this one book of the Bible that it is amazing.
Pray beforehand and the Scripture "(Proverbs 22:10 NIV). Drive out the mocker,
and out goes strife; quarrels and insults are ended." came to mind. That was just
what that situation needed and fair but firm disciplinary action against the
troublemaker brought peace to the workplace. Proverbs is an invaluable source of
wisdom that has proven itself over time.

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5. Study how to say things. How something is worded is vitally important (Proverbs
25:11-13 NKJV). A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver
(Verse 12). Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold is a wise rebuke
to an obedient ear (Verse 13). Like the cold of snow in time of harvest is a faithful
messenger to those who send him, for he refreshes the soul of his masters.
Whatever you say should be clear, kind, true and appropriate. There is a right time
and a right way to say things that is learned by practice and the study of people.
Never lie, never muddle about, never forget you are speaking to a fellow human
being with feelings and choose your time and place and manner with care. It can
make all the difference in the world.

6. Do not use emotional or forceful language or "legal sounding" words. Phrases

such as "cease and desist" just make you sound pompous and overbearing.
Subjugate your desire to make your point to your desire to communicate in a clear
and profitable way that will bring the results you want out of the negotiation.
Never threaten legal action in a secular court against a fellow believer. (1
Corinthians 6:1-8 NKJV) Dare any of you, having a matter against another, go to
law before the unrighteous, and not before the saints? (Verse 2) Do you not know
that the saints will judge the world? And if the world will be judged by you, are
you unworthy to judge the smallest matters? (Verse 3) Do you not know that we
shall judge angels? How much more, things that pertain to this life (Verse 4). If
then you have judgments concerning things pertaining to this life, do you appoint
those who are least esteemed by the church to judge? (Verse 5) I say this to your
shame. Is it so, that there is not a wise man among you, not even one, who will be
able to judge between his brethren? (Verse 6) But brother goes to law against
brother, and that before unbelievers! (Verse 7) Now therefore, it is already an
utter failure for you that you go to law against one another. Why do you not rather
accept wrong? Why do you not rather let yourselves be cheated? (Verse 8) No,
you yourselves do wrong and cheat, and you do these things to your brethren!

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7. Do not be too harsh or absolute. (Proverbs 15:1 NKJV) A soft answer turns away
wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Do not go in like a dogmatic bull in a china
shop. (Proverbs 12:18 NKJV) There is one who speaks like the piercings of a
sword, but the tongue of the wise promotes health. (Proverbs 25:15 NKJV) By
long forbearance a ruler is persuaded, and a gentle tongue breaks a bone. Be
gentle, reasonable, merciful pure, full of good fruits. (James 3:16-18 NIV) For
where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil
practice. (Verse 17) But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure;
then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial
and sincere. (Verse 18) Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of
righteousness.

8. Act soon and keep it small. (Proverbs 17:14 NKJV) The beginning of strife is like
releasing water; Therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts. For this to be
the case you may have to undergo a cultural change whereby you cease stuffing
your anger down inside you until you "blow up or blow over". Unless people are
confronted with their wrong behaviors they most likely will not change. And we
are more likely to learn from a gentle reminder than an all out blazing row which
necessitates the use of all our defensive capabilities. If you are in a church or
Christian organization then institute gentle and regular correction as a part of the
"corporate culture" so that it becomes an easily accepted part of life. Do not
involve others unless they need to be involved. This is the basic wisdom behind
the three stage process in Matthew 18 and Jesus' exhortation on a number of
occasions to "go to your brother in private, if he listens to you then you have won
him". Once others are involved it is much harder to change your mind without
losing face. Also facts tend to be altered a little to garner support.

9. Avoid angry and easily disturbed people. If possible keep them out of the process.
(Proverbs 29:22 NKJV) An angry man stirs up strife, And a furious man abounds
in transgression.(Proverbs 15:18 NKJV) A wrathful man stirs up strife, But he
who is slow to anger allays contention.

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10. Pay attention to the moral character of the people involved and only rely on
humble people of integrity and faithfulness to help you in the peacemaking
process. (Proverbs 28:25 NKJV) He who is of a proud heart stirs up strife, but he
who trusts in the LORD will prosper. Many who wish to become involved are
unsuitable because they are gossips, or unreliable in some other way. (Proverbs
16:28-30 NKJV) A perverse man sows strife, and a whisperer separates the best
of friends. (Verse 29) A violent man entices his neighbor, and leads him in a way
that is not good. (Verse 30) He winks his eye to devise perverse things; He purses
his lips and brings about evil. (Proverbs 11:12-13 NKJV) He who is devoid of
wisdom despises his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his peace. (Verse
13) A talebearer reveals secrets, but he who is of a faithful spirit conceals a
matter.

11. Do not forget that in Christian circles many conflicts have the Accuser of the
brethren as the primary cause. In such cases "we wrestle not against flesh and
blood but against powers and principalities in the heavenly realms." The mocker
who needs to be "driven out" may be Satan himself. Thus we need to look beyond
personalities to the spiritual forces which are taking advantage of their
weaknesses and preconceptions just as Satan took advantage of Peter's concept of
the messiah at Caesarea Philippi.(Matthew 16:21-23) When this happens good
people can be used for bad purposes. Thus we need to be spiritually alert and keen
to "maintain the bond of peace". Good teaching, prayer in the Spirit on all
occasions and holy living will give us impenetrable armor against such schemes.
(Eph 6:10-21)

12. Be strong and courageous on the basis of God's word. Before Joshua took on the
military conquest of Palestine he was told. (Joshua 1:8-9 NKJV) "This Book of
the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and
night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then
you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. (Verse
9) "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid,

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 nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Godly
courage solves many giant sized problems.

11.2 Scriptural Support for Conflict Resolution

Worship God and hold him in high esteem in your life rather than holding a me-first
attitude, which leads to conflict. A Christian is to put God first in his life. "Do not
worship any other gods besides me” (Exodus 20:3). Holding a “me-first” attitude can be a
form of idolatry. When a Christian puts his own wishes and ways in the forefront,
without regard for others, he is in disobedience to the Word of God.

If someone has wronged you, either at home or in a work situation, bring the matter to
God. “Trust in the LORD and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desires” (Psalm 37:3-4)

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of
everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do
not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine
to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:17-19, NIV) The world would be a
better place to live in if people would live by these injunctions.

Another aspect to consider in Christian conflict resolution are the words of Jesus in
Matthew 7:3: “And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in
your own?’’ When a conflict arises, we are so quick to blame the other person without
considering how we ourselves may have contributed to the problem. We are to examine
our own attitudes and motives. Ask yourself, how have my ways or words contributed to
the conflict? That is a hard thing to do, the admission of our own possible wrongdoing. It
is much easier to blame the other person. But blaming the other person is not the
Christian way.

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Jesus also said, “So if you are standing before the altar in the Temple, offering a sacrifice
to God, and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your
sacrifice there beside the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer
your sacrifice to God” (Matthew 5:23). That indeed is a hard thing to do. Not if I hold
resentment against my brother, but if he holds something against me, I am the one that is
supposed to go and take the first step in reconciliation. You may say something like this,
“I am sorry if I offended you unintentionally. Could you tell me about it?” I have had to
do that on one occasion. The other person still may not respond favourably and may still
be cold towards you, but in the eyes of God you have done what is required of you.

11.3 Conflict Resolution for Churches

Every person has basic innate needs. The activity of one's life seeks to fulfill this set of
needs. In order to fulfill these needs, a person works towards goals. Goals are states of
being that do not now exist but that we can imagine existing. In other words, goals are
targets toward which we direct our actions.

We are intentional, goal directed beings, seeking the fulfillment of our needs through the
achievement of our goals, and we are beings who pursue our goals in social settings.
Thus, we sometimes clash trying to occupy the same space at the same time.

Most of the great religions of the world promise a future pictured as a blissful, peaceful,
conflict-free state. The church perhaps embodies most vividly this human desire to avoid
conflict. As a result, most churches develop norms rejecting behavior that encourages
conflict and rewarding behaviors that tend to suppress it.

There are personal goals, personal goals for the organization, and the organization’s
goals. We always perceive the world from our point of view, and we act on the basis of it.
Human pride, self glorification, and making personal perceptions absolute, ultimately

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corrupt. The deification or veneration of our own views builds the barriers, creates the
separations, and deepens the estrangement from God and others.

A church can adopt the following list of guidelines and agree to follow them when
differences arise. Some of the guidelines are as follows:

1. Dealing openly with conflict can be healthy and useful for the church. It is okay
for people to differ with one another.
2. Resolutions for the sake of quick agreement are often worse than agreements that
are carefully worked out over time.
3. Fair conflict management includes
 Dealing with one issue at a time.
 If more than one issue is presented, agreeing on the order in which the
issues will be addressed.
 Exploring all the dimensions of the problem(s)
 Exploring several alternative solutions to the problem(s)
4. If any party is uncomfortable with the forum in which the conflict is raised, it is
legitimate to request and discuss what the most appropriate forum might be.
5. Inappropriate behavior in conflict includes, but is not limited to
 Name calling,
 Mind reading (attributing evil motives to others),
 Inducing guilt ("Look how you have made me feel"),
 Rejecting, deprecating, or discrediting another person,
 Using information from confidential sources or indicating that such
information exists.
6. Fair conflict always allows people who are charged with poor performance or
inappropriate behavior
 To know who their accusers are,
 To learn what their accusers' concerns are,
 To respond to those who accuse.

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11.4 Practical Ways of Resolving Conflict in the Church

The church is increasingly observed to rely on the court system for conflict resolution in
an ever-increasing litigious society. This tragic usage is a drain on the church’s resources
and, more importantly, a stumbling block for those who seek to know Christ as their life-
changing force. Does the God of our salvation not have power to help believers resolve
conflict? Why do we trust Him to save our eternal souls and yet believe that He is
disinterested or incapable of providing an answer for the resolution of conflict?

Consider this simple answer: We do not want Him to help us resolve our conflict. In
other words, we want Him as Lord of some things but not our conflict. Could it be that
we, as a church, have abandoned the principles God provided for us in the everyday area
that we call conflict? Here are some basic scriptural principles to help us victoriously
manage conflict as we live out His Lordship.

1. Conflict is neither Good nor Evil, Yet Our Response May Be

How we view and confront disputes is critical to our successful start of conflict
resolution. Often we quickly demonize conflict and worry about our rights; thus we fail
to see the eternal value created by the conflict. Since conflict is a natural part of the world
system (Luke 17:1), why not practice viewing conflict as an opportunity to grow or to
bless someone else in the process?

2. A lawsuit is not always god’s best answer

Paul admonished believers (1 Corinthians 6) to avoid filing lawsuits against fellow

Christians. The beginning verses of this chapter spell out the conflict resolution options
available to the Christian. Instead of taking a person to court, why not accept the wrong?
Paul asked (verse 7). This suggests that accepting a committed wrong may be preferable
to going to court. Verse 8 implies that those who wrong us defraud us. Could it also be
that we, though wronged, may end up defrauding our brother by going to court?

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3. The Church Needs and Has A Wise Man for the Resolution of Conflict

Verse 5 of 1 Corinthians 6 asks a poignant question: Is there not a wise man in the
church who can settle a dispute between fellow Christians’? The church was a place to
resolve conflict. It is a sad commentary on the church that we provide a place to heal
individuals of physical illnesses yet turn our backs on them when they ache for a conflict
healing. What is the eternal value being created when we do this?

4. Jesus Provides A Process For Reconciliation And Dispute Resolution

Feeling he has been wronged, the believer usually ignores the first step: going privately
to the individual with whom he has a conflict to discuss the matter, allowing the
offending party to explain the rest of the story (Matthew 18:15–20). It is not necessary to
share one’s position and emotions with others before attempting reconciliation. Only
when this process fails are we to take one or two other believers with us as witnesses to
the dispute. Why? To help both parties hear each other, find the truth, arrive at a just
resolution of the dispute, and ultimately reconcile the relationship. If that attempt fails,
the church should be ready to hear the conflict and to take appropriate action —
frequently discipline in nature — to help the parties reconcile and resolve the conflict in a
way that will not only help them grow spiritually but also help restore church purity. It is
encouraging to know that Jesus promised to be in the midst of this whole process.

5. We Cannot Ignore A Dispute That Someone Has With Us

Matthew 5:23-24 focuses attention on what to do when we know that someone has a
conflict with us. In this instance, we are obligated to initiate the process to reconcile the
relationship and address the conflict issues. We cannot ignore the conflict simply because
we feel we have done nothing wrong. Scripture indicates that Jesus does not want us to
even worship Him until we earnestly attempt reconciliation.

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11.4.1 Practical Steps in Resolving Conflicts among Christians

1. Pray about the Problem Together: Do this humbly not as a way to bring judgment
down on the other person! Commit to trying to find a solution, and then define
the conflict as a mutual problem. In the majority of conflict situations, neither
side is totally wrong or totally right. In most cases there are things to sort out on
both sides. So try to perceive the situation as a mutual problem not a win / loose
struggle.

2. Clarify the Issues—Focus on the Needs and Goals: Reframe the situation with
the questions: What do we need to do to get out of this situation? What are our
goals? What are the concerns? Do not be dragged back into recriminations or old
gossip that is quite destructive.

3. Understand Each Other’s Perspective: Treat the other person and their viewpoint
with respect. Take the time to give each other time to state a viewpoint (active
listening without interruption). Once we really understand the other person’s
viewpoint it is much easier to want to come to an agreement. Use specific
communication—use “I” words instead of “you” words. (Instead of “You make
me so mad when you do that!” I might say, “I feel so angry when something is
said to me without considering my perception in the situation”)

4. Break the Conflict into Small Steps: If the conflict is serious it may not be
possible to sort all of the problems out at one time. Identify the options and
develop the ones that give everyone more of what they want. Try to agree to deal
with one issue at first, and then you can move on to the next.

5. Give and Take: Take a long-term view. Support what is legitimate and fair—
resist greed and injustice. Give in areas that are high value to others and easy for
you to give. Remember that you cannot expect to have everything go your way.

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