RiffTrax

RiffTrax is a series of comedy commentary tracks from Michael J. Nelson, the head writer of Mystery Science Theater 3000. He is often accompanied by fellow MST3K cast members Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy. At other times, Mike Nelson riffs a film with a special guest commentator.

Rifftrax

Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959) (Single Riffer Edition)

[A flying saucer passes the airplane Jeff pilots]

Mike Nelson: So long as the plywood controls hold out, they'll make it!

---

[ Lugosi footage]

Narrator: Confused by his great loss, the old man left that home, never to return again!

[After Lugosi walks offscreen, the footage freezes. We hear the sound of a car screeching and a man screaming. It then cuts to stock footage of an ambulance.]

Mike Nelson: So, did he die, or did he just get a job as an ambulance driver?

---

[on Tor Johnson]

Mike Nelson: You know, Tor was the most famous Swedish export until ABBA came along, although he continued to outweigh the entire band by several hundred pounds.

---

[After Tor Johnson's character is killed]

Mike Nelson: Send fifteen guys and a big stretcher.

---

Narrator: Colonel Tom Edwards was to make the greatest decision of his career. He made that decision. He gave the signal to fire.

[scene cuts to stock footage]

Mike Nelson: And somewhere in Korea, they did fire.

---

[scene shows Tom Edwards standing in front of an obviously fake skyline]

Mike Nelson: I'll be over here by this sheet if you need me.

---

[A very poorly put together set of The Ruler's chambers.]

Alien: Your space commander has returned from Earth.

The Ruler: Send him in.

Mike Nelson And send my space drapes out to be cleaned.

Road House (1989)

[A woman is shown walking towards the road house in a tracking shot from the legs downward]

Mike Nelson: Hey, Ed Wood is in this movie!

[Patrick Swayze's credit is shown]

Mike Nelson: Oh, that's Patrick Swayze.

. . .

Mike Nelson: Hey, Patrick's got a nice keister. No junk in his trunk.

---

Frank Tilghman: I thought you'd be taller.

Mike Nelson: And I thought you'd be less flamingly gay.

---

Mike Nelson: Is it me, or is Kevin Tighe trying to bed down Patrick Swayze?

---

[Tinker whimpers as a stuffed bear is pushed towards him]

Mike Nelson: Nice Lou Costello impression.

The Fifth Element (1997)

Mike Nelson: [on the blue alien opera singer] You know, the minute Papa Smurf saw her, he called up Lawsuit Smurf, and they sued the living shit out of her.

---

Mike Nelson: [on Zorg] If Porky Pig were a homicidal maniac.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)

[A dark figure rides up in a desert landscape]

Mike Nelson: Great, one of the Black Riders is lost again.

. . .

Kevin Murphy: I think that's actually Kevin Costner in The Postman.

[A character loads his gun]

Kevin Murphy: Yeah, that's it! Reach for your gun, now!

---

[William Shatner climbs a mountain]

Mike Nelson: I think he's actually trying to scale his own ego.

Kevin Murphy: That would be tough.

---

Mike Nelson [as Spock]: Bullshit, Captain.

---

[Kirk is entangled with Sybok and the gun goes to Spock's feet]

Kirk: PICK IT UP!

Mike Nelson [as Kirk]: THE PACE! PICK IT UP!

Cocktail (1988)

=== XXX (2002) ===porn video

Crossroads (2002)

[Britney Spears and friends crank up Shania Twain's "Man, I Feel Like a Woman"]

Mike Nelson: Uh, Disembaudio do you subscribe to those Three Laws of Robotics where you can't hurt a human being?

Disembaudio: I hardly think so, Michael.

Mike Nelson: Good. Do you think you can do me the teensiest favor and just kill me now?

X-Men (2000)

[Repeated lines]

Bill Corbett: Cerebro.

Mike Nelson: Magneto.

---

Magneto: [to Sabretooth] What happened?

Sabretooth: They knew.

Bill Corbett: [as Magneto] Well doesn't that just poof my hair out...

---

Mike Nelson: [on Wolverine] Doesn't he have to get back to the University of Michigan and start being their mascot?

---

Professor Xavier: So, I'd like your definitions of weak and strong anthropic principles on my desk on Wednesday, alright? That'll be all.

Bill Corbett: [as The Professor/Captain Picard] Oh and make it so, heheheh.

---

Wolverine: This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.

Mike Nelson: Then you haven't seen X-Men 3.

---

Bill Corbett: [as Senator Robert Kelly regarding Mystique] Dave, have you always been blue...and hot, n' slash creepy?

---

Mike Nelson: [as Senator Kelly squeezes his head through bars] Well, mutant or not, that's just remarkably stupid...

---

Magneto: How are we feeling, Senator? Advanced, I hope.

Bill Corbett: [as Magneto] And if not advanced, at least sort of gay and British? [as Magneto sees the empty cell] No huh?

---

Bill Corbett: [as Senator Kelly, now mutated, walks naked onto the beach] Wow! An ugly person on the beach! Isn't that illegal?!

---

Rogue: The first boy I ever kissed, ended up in a coma for three weeks.

Mike Nelson: Well next time brush your teeth first.

---

Wolverine: What the hell do you want with me?

Magneto: You? My dear boy...whoever said I wanted you?

Bill Corbett: [as Magneto/Gandalf] I'm looking for Frodo Baggins.

---

Magneto: Release me.

Bill Corbett: [as Magneto] This is my spawning season and you don't have a license!

---

Mike Nelson: [as Toad] I dreamt I was Seth Green...

---

Magneto: Goodbye Charles.

Bill Corbett: [as Magneto] My kinky purple cape and helmet are out of here.

---

Professor Xavier: Senator...

Mike Nelson: [as the Professor] You're really filibustering my balls.

---

Bill Corbett: [as Professor Xavier stands in a dream sequence] How phony!

Mike Nelson: He does that just to scam disability checks.

---

Bill Corbett: [as Professor Xavier, while he's wearing the Cerebro helmet] I love pretending I'm an ant.

---

Mike Nelson: [as the Professor collapses in Cerebro] Uh, two words for you professor: safety rails...

---

Mike Nelson: [as Jean Grey repairs Cerebro] When maintaining your Cerebro always make sure to use only genuine Cerebro parts.

Bill Corbett: Cerebro. (pause) Magneto.

---

Bill Corbett: Cerebro. That's really subtle name, too.

Mike Nelson: He almost called it "Brains a Poppin'."

---

Bill Corbett: [about Mystique] She's just bitter 'cause they threw her out of the Blue Man Group.

Mike Nelson: Wonder why...Oh! The breasts and estrogen and whatnot right?

---

Magneto: [about the Statue of Liberty] Magnificent isn't she?

Bill Corbett: Magneto-cent!

---

Mike Nelson: [about the X-Jet] The un-stealth fighter.

---

Mike Nelson: [about Toad] Yeah, and he can jump all over the walls and stick. Just like a real toad.

---

Bill Corbett: [about Wolverine's fight with Mystique] He's getting his ass kicked by a girl from Cirque du Soleil.

Mike Nelson: She's kinda nude.

Bill Corbett: Oh I noticed!

---

Storm: Logan? Is that you?

Mike Nelson: [as Wolverine] Shh! I'm taking a Wolver-dump.

---

Wolverine: Everybody get out of here.

Storm: What is it?

Bill Corbett: [as Wolverine] I gotta fart.

---

Bill Corbett: [as Magneto floats into the air] Up, up, and a gay!

Mike Nelson: Cheap shot...

Bill Corbett: Oh. Thank you.

---

Bill Corbett: [as Magneto/Gandalf] Saruman put him up to this, didn't he?!

---

Storm: Hang on to something.

Mike Nelson: [as Storm] Not my breasts, you jerk!

---

Bill Corbett: [about Storm] She has the mighty power of an average-sized oscillating fan!

---

Bill Corbett: [as the film ends] Well...Cerebro.

Mike Nelson: Well, Magneto I guess.

Bill Corbett: Cerebro.

Top Gun (1986)

Mike Nelson: I'm suffering from cool name overload.

---

[regarding Viper, played by Tom Skerritt]

Bill Corbett: Tom Skerritt, world's most grizzled man.

Point Break (1991)

Pappas: Listen you snot-nose little shit, I was takin' shrapnel in Khe Sanh when you were crappin' in your hands and rubbin' it on your face.

Mike Nelson: Ew. Why on Earth would you do that?

---

[One of the bank robbers throws a dog at Johnny Utah while escaping]

Mike Nelson: You're the man now, dog.

Halloween (1978)

[John Carpenter credit]

Kevin Murphy: [singing] If I were John Carpenter and you were a lady, would you marry me and have my baby? Ba-bum, ba-bum...

The Matrix (1999)

[The computer screen reads "Follow the White Rabbit..."]

Kevin Murphy: Certainly not a drug reference...

---

Supervisor: You have a problem with authority...

Kevin Murphy [as Neo]: No I don't—go to hell!

---

[Close up of the white rabbit tattoo]

Kevin Murphy: Wait! No! That's a pale lavender rabbit! It will lead you to a gay bar!

---

[After receiving instructions from Morpheus to climb out on to a piece of scaffolding]

Neo: [to himself] This is insane!

Kevin Murphy: Oh no, the next two movies are insane—this one is somewhat rational.

---

[After Neo nearly falls off of the side of the building]

Kevin Murphy: Huh. I can actually feel poop squishing up between my cheeks like warm Play-Dough.

---

[After Morpheus and Neo spar, with Morpheus clearly winning]

Morpheus: Good.

Mike Nelson: Wait, I mean "Terrible!"

Morpheus: Adaptation... improvisation. But your weakness is not your technique.

Kevin Murphy: It's your bone-shattering stupidity.

. . .

[Neo breathing heavily after being defeated by Morpheus]

Morpheus: You think that's air you're breathing?"

Mike Nelson: It's wild rice.

[As Morpheus makes a calm face]

Kevin Murphy: Hmmmmm?

[Neo makes a dumb face]

Mike Nelson: Huuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh?

Mike Nelson [as Morpheus]: So, little baby thinks he's breathing air, little baby air-breather...

---

Mike Nelson [as Neo]: FBI's paying me to surf.

---

[Morpheus defeats Neo in their sparring match]

Morpheus: How did I beat you?

Mike Nelson: Quite soundly, thank you.

---

Agent Smith: I'll make you a deal. We're willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start. All that we're asking for in return is your cooperation in bringing a known terrorist to justice.

Kevin Murphy: And that you stop trying to do romantic leads.

---

Morpheus: What are you waiting for? You're faster than this.

Kevin Murphy: He's waiting for the special effects to kick in.

Morpheus: Don't think you are. Know you are.

Mike Nelson [as Morpheus]: Be you are. You are what you is.

---

Mike Nelson: Okay, okay...so, let me see if I understand The Matrix now.

Kevin Murphy: OK, give it a try.

Mike Nelson: [With Kevin agreeing at points] OK,...we all start shaved, punctured, immersed in pods full of K-Y...and we live in a bland, unsatisfying dream world that's Linux-based...then Larry Fishburne offers us drugs and rids our body of shrimp...then we pull the tender timer out of our skull, put on greasy clothes, and head right back into the dream world.

Kevin Murphy: I think you've got it!

Mike Nelson: Heyyy! I know what is The Matrix!

Kevin Murphy: That's The Matrix!

---

[Traveling through an elevator shaft]

Kevin Murphy: Wicka-chicka-wicka-chicka... Who's the empty space through which an elevator travels through its cables that's a sex machine to all the girls?

Mike Nelson: Elevator Shaft!

Kevin Murphy: You're damn right!

---

[The police arrive in the bathroom]

Mike Nelson [as Agent Smith]: Now I have to kick some Hobbit ass!

---

Morpheus: [on Neo] He's beginning to believe.

Kevin Murphy: No, I think he's just confused as usual.

---

[Agent Smith shoots through a phone, barely missing Trinity as she exits and cutting off Neo's escape route from the Matrix]

Kevin Murphy: That deserves a "Whoa."

---

[Neo poses with his arms while fighting Agent Smith]

Kevin Murphy: I'm a little teapot, short and stout!

---

[Agent Smith pins Neo down to the track as a train approaches]

Agent Smith: Do you hear that, Mr Anderson? That is the sound of the inevitable.

Kevin Murphy: Is that a new band?

Agent Smith: That... is the sound of your death. Goodbye, Mr Anderson.

Neo: My name... is Neo!

Mike Nelson: Last name Sporin!

---

[Neo backflips off of the train tracks, leaving Agent Smith in the train's path]

Kevin Murphy: Cirque de So long, sucker!

---

[Agent Smith slams files on the table]

Kevin Murphy: All right, young man. This has been your third trip to the principal's office in a month. You're failing soc, algebra and Christian lifestyles. We're gonna have to call your parents.

---

Agent Smith: Tell me, Mr. Anderson. What good is a phone call... if you're unable... to speak?

Kevin Murphy: Well, I could use TTY. I could text guys.

---

Morpheus: Your appearance is what we call "residual self image." It's the mental projection of you digital self.

Mike Nelson: Oh, so I just think I'm fat.

---

Agent Smith: We're here because we need your help.

Mike Nelson [as Agent Smith]: We need someone who can act dumb.

Agent Smith: We know you've been contacted by a certain individual. A man who calls himself Morpheus.

Kevin Murphy [as Agent Smith]: Orpheus J. Morpheus.

Agent Smith: Whatever you think you know about this man is irrelevant. He's been considered by many to be the most dangerous man alive.

Mike Nelson: Next to Julia Child.

Kevin Murphy: She's not a man!

Mike Nelson: You sure?

Kevin Murphy: And she's dead!

Mike Nelson: She can still bring the hurt, Kevin.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)

[The movie opens with the words "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away..."]

Kevin Murphy: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away a filmmaker went pants-crapping insane.

[The Main Title sequence starts.]

---

Jar-Jar (to Qui-Gon Jinn): Meesa called Jar Jar Binks. Meesa your humble servant.

Mike Nelson: And so debuts the most embarrassing character since Stephin Fetchit.

---

[Jar-Jar is prodded with something by a Gungan guard]

Jar-Jar: How wude!

Kevin Murphy: "How woo"?

Mike Nelson: It's "How rude!" It's supposed to endear him to us. It makes me want to take a section of rebar to his skull.

---

Qui-Gon Jinn: What is to become of Jar-Jar Binks here?

Kevin Murphy [as Qui-Gon Jinn]: We seek lame comic relief for our journey.

Boss Nass: Hissin to be... pyoonished.

Mike Nelson [as Boss Nass]: It will be a lot of "fyoon" to "pyoonish" him.

---

[As a wide, digitally rendered shot of a Naboo skyline fills the screen]

Mike Nelson: Three hundred guys worked two years on a thousand computers -- and the result? Utterly boring.

---

Queen Amidala: We will plead our case to the Senate.

Mike Nelson [as Amidala]: Flatly. Lifelessly. Killing scene after dull, stupefying scene.

---

Anakin Skywalker: What are we going to do about it?

Kevin Murphy: I dunno. Maybe have a flat, uninspired conversation?

---

Mike Nelson: Tatooine: Where the Jetsons and the Flintstones co-mingle and raise their bastard children.

---

[The scene opens with a shot of the Tatooine desert]

Kevin Murphy [as Al Gore]: This used to be. The Pacific. Ocean.

---

Anakin [to Padmé]: Come on, I'll show you Threepio.

Kevin Murphy: Every fanboy's dream: bring Natalie Portman to your room and show her your robot.

...

[Anakin shows Padmé and R2-D2 the droid he built]

Padmé: He's wonderful.

Kevin Murphy [as R2-D2]: Yeah, but can he lean back slightly and beep?

---

Jar-Jar: We'd no got moolah to trade.

Mike Nelson: Look, go to hell.

[Kevin laughs]

---

[Sebulba, wearing googles and a toothy smile, waves to the crowd]

Kevin Murphy: Steve Buscemi, ladies and gentlemen, Steve Buscemi.

---

[Jabba the Hutt appears with fanfare]

Mike Nelson: Now, here's Roseanne Barr to sing the national anthem.

---

Kevin Murphy: Uh oh. Nascar fans.

Mike Nelson [as Tusken Raider]: Just exercising my constitutional rights.

---

Anakin: You mean I get to come with you in your starship?

Qui-Gon: [kneels] Anakin . . .

Mike Nelson [as Qui-Gon]: Shut up. Really.

. . .

Anakin: Can I go, Mom?

Shmi Skywalker: Anakin . . .

Kevin Murphy [as Shmi]: Shut up.

---

[Anakin turns away from Shmi and walks off to join Qui-Gon]

Kevin Murphy: Run along, little irritant . . . run along.

---

Queen Amidala: I pray that you will bring sanity and compassion back to the Senate.

Mike Nelson [as Amidala]: And I pray that I never have to emote any more than I just did. I'm exhausted.

---

Jar-Jar: WEESA GOIN HOOOOOOOOOME!

Kevin Murphy: Oh, do so completely shut up!

---

Nute Gunray: We already located deir starship in da swamp. It won't be long, my lord.

Mike Nelson [in Gunray's accent]: We get you some hot and souah soup while you wait foh noodoh!

---

[The battle between Gungans and Battle Droids winds down with the Droids rounding up Gungan prisoners]

Kevin Murphy [singing]: Non Nobis Domine, Domine, Non Nobis Domine...

Mike Nelson: Oh Kevin, you're ennobling this way beyond what it deserves.

The Grudge (2004)

[Yoko is pulled into the attic and killed by Kayako]

Mike Nelson: That was kind of scary- Kevin, what happened?

Kevin Murphy:[defensively] Uh, I spilled water in my lap!

Mike Nelson: But you weren't drinking-

Kevin Murphy: I spilled my water!

---

[Toshio screams/meows at Mathew, killing both him and his wife, Jennifer. Cut to black]

Kevin Murphy: Okay, just so I'm clear, the Grudge is killing these people HOW?

Mike Nelson: Didn't you see? He totally opened his mouth there.

Kevin Murphy: Yeah, I did see the small boy open his mouth. But is he scaring people to death, or eating them?

Mike Nelson: [Chuckling] Well, "it never forgives and it never forgets".

Kevin Murphy: Yeah, that's just a very clever tagline for the movie poster, but how did it suffocate Jen while sitting under her bed?

Mike Nelson: O-ho, the things the Grudge can do, Kevin. The things the Grudge can do!

Kevin Murphy: Uh-huh, you're just as bewildered as I am, aren't you?

Mike Nelson: Yeah. Even more so, perhaps. After thirty minutes of this movie, I've actually forgotten my middle name.

---

[Karen very slowly opens the closet door and looks inside]

Kevin Murphy: [Deliberately slow] Heeeeeeeere's Johnnyyyyy.

---

[Karen encounters Toshio, looking down on her from the stairs]

Karen: [Speaking Japanese] Hello.

Kevin Murphy [as Toshio]: I'm not wearing any pants.

Karen: [Speaking Japanese] My name is Karen. What's yours?

Mile Nelson: Ich bin Schnappi, das kleine crokodil.

Toshio: [mechanically] Toshio~

Mike Nelson: [mechanically] This is my robot voice.

---

[Detective Nakagawa puts the security tape into the VCR]

Mike Nelson: We've got a bootleg of an X-rated Yu-Gi-Oh! episode.

---

[Detective Nakagawa enters the house and starts pouring gasoline.]

Kevin Murphy: I. THINK. DE-TEC-TIVE. NAKAGAWA IS... BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE.

---

[Karen hits the illusion of Peter's (Played by Bill Pullman) arm]

Mike Nelson [as Peter]: [Meekly] Oww, you injured my sensitive Bill Pullman elbow.

[Peter slowly stands up and glares menacingly (presumably) at Karen]

Mike Nelson [as Peter]:[Threateningly] Which means you just opened a whole zippered-sweater full of whoop-ass, young lady.

---

[As Susan ascends in the elevator, Toshio appears (naked) on every floor she passes]

Kevin Murphy [as Toshio]: Hi lady... Could you give me some underpants?... I could really use a pair... Lady?

---

[Kayako's corpse drops from the attic in front of Peter]

Mike Nelson: Ah! Someone gave him a head with hair, long beautiful hair...long, straight, curly, fuzzy, snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty, oily, greasy, fleasy, shinning, gleaming, streaming, flaxin', waxin', knotted, poka-dotted, twisted, beaded, braided, powdered, flowered and confettied, bangled, tangled, spangled and spaghettied...um, hair.

Kevin Murphy: You're so gay.

[They both snicker]

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

[Looming shot over a hill]

Kevin Murphy: [singing] The hills are alive...

Mike Nelson: La la la laaaaaaa....

---

Saruman: Your love of the Halfling's leaf has clearly slowed your mind.

Kevin Murphy [as Gandalf]: So I like to wake and bake. What of it, man?

---

Frodo: Shire? Baggins? That will lead them here!

Kevin Murphy [as Ringwraith]: Ride! To the town of Baggins, to find Frodo Shire! Ride!

---

Aragorn: If, by my life or death, I can protect you, I will. You have my sword.

Mike Nelson [as Aragorn]: And I want it back.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

[As Boromir stands to speak]

Mike Nelson: And my Glock!

---

[As the film's cast passes by the camera]

Mike Nelson: Let's meet your fighting fellowship: Magneto! Babyface! Grumpy! Kevin from Sin City! The guy from "Lost" and that other guy! Ubiquitous bad guy! And the History of Violence guy!

Kevin Murphy: You forgot Sam!

Mike Nelson: Oh, he doesn't really matter.

---

Gimli: Soon, master elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the dwarves! Roaring fires! Red meat off the bone!

Mike Nelson: [exaggerated accent] The Jack Daniels grill two-for-one Tuesdays!

---

Gimli: Nobody tosses a dwarf!

Mike Nelson: Apparently, he's never seen Jackass.

---

[Aragorn calls out to Frodo, who stands off in the distance]

Mike Nelson: Yeah, just drainin' the little hobbit, here!

---

Gandalf the Grey: The Palantir is a dangerous tool.

Kevin Murphy: Eh, you're a dangerous tool.

---

Gimli: Then it has all been in vain. The Fellowship has failed.

Kevin Murphy: Oh, I don't know...three hundred million at the box office...nine hundred million worldwide...I'd like to "fail" like that!

The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996)

Mike Nelson: The porn version of this is called The Thighland of Dr. More-Oh.

---

[Credits sequence]

Mike Nelson: It's been a long time since I've seen a Trent Reznor video.

---

[Credits sequence]

Kevin Murphy: For all of you watching out there, this is how babies are born!

---

[As Marlon Brando arrives in a vehicle resembling the Pope-mobile, while wearing sunglasses and a white muumuu]

Mike Nelson: The world's greatest actor, ladies and gentlemen.

Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey (1977)

[Santa's sleigh flies off into the night]

Mike Nelson: Ha-ha, eat my sleigh-wash, you sawed-off little freaks! I'm going to Ibiza! Tell my wife I never loved her!

---

[It is explained that when Nestor's mother covered him so that he wouldn't freeze to death during a blizzard, she had "allowed the storm to take her"]

Mike Nelson: Wow! Merry Christmas, everyone! Mom is a Donkey-cicle!

---

[Nestor meets Tilly, a cherub]

Mike Nelson: Gahh! Courtney Love!

---

Tilly: Do you know what I am?

Mike Nelson [as Nestor]: A deranged toddler?

Reign of Fire (2002)

[The title screen is shown]

Kevin Murphy: [singing] "I fell into a burnin' Reign of Fire/ McConaughey took off his shirt and the flames got higher..."

---

[Quinn and Creedy are reenacting the climatic scene from The Empire Strikes Back for a group of children]

Quinn: He stares through the holes of his shiny mask, and speaks words that burn into our hero's heart forever...

Kevin Murphy: "Lucas is going to write and direct the next one!"

Mike Nelson: Nooooooooo!

Daredevil (2003)

[Daredevil, after dropping - literally - into a cathedral, is cared for by a priest]

Bill Corbett [singing]: Father McKenzie, caring for superheroes who crash onto his floor, what is he for?

---

[In a flashback, the young Matt Murdock is standing in the shadow of his father wearing a hood with devil horns on it, making the shadow look like Daredevil's silhouette]

Bill Corbett: Foreshadowing - literally!

---

[Young Matt Murdock is surrounded by bullies]

Bully Kid: Go ahead, fight me, I dare you. [Zoom-in on his face] I DARE you!

Kevin Murphy [as bully]: ...to be a DEVIL. Got it?

---

[Young Murdock executes a slow-motion backflip kick on an attacker]

Bill Corbett [As Murdock]: Being blind, physics no longer applied to me.

---

Elektra: I don't like being touched.

Matt Murdock [played by Ben Affleck]: Why don't you tell me what you do like and we'll start there.

Kevin Murphy [as Elektra]: Okay. Well, I like kicking the crap out of charisma-free actors. You should've seen what I did to Chad Lowe just the other day!

Bill Corbett [as Elektra]: And let's get this over with 'cause I've got an appointment with Josh Hartnett in about half an hour.

Mike Nelson [as Elektra]: Then after that I'm supposed to throw down with Jared Leto.

---

Elektra: My name's Elektra Natchios.

Bill Corbett: "Electric Nachos?"

---

[Ellen Pompeo has a cameo]

Bill Corbett: Isn't she on some TV show?

Kevin Murphy: Yeah, she's on "King of Queens" - she plays Kevin James' toothbrush.

---

Bullseye: I missed. I never miss!

Mike Nelson: Those are logically incompatible statements. And here's another: "Colin Farrell is sober."

---

Daredevil: I'm not the bad guy.

Mike Nelson: He just read one of the notes in the margins of his script.

---

[Elektra cuts through multiple sandbags that drop form the ceiling as a part of her training.]

Kevin Murphy: Y'think this may be a castration metaphor? All those dangling sacks.

...

[Another sandbag drops down with a crude drawing of Daredevil's face on it.]

Mike Nelson: Is that Felix the Cat?

Bill Corbett: I think it's Goodbye Kitty.

---

[Elektra stabs Daredevil through the shoulder with a thin knife]

Bill Corbett: If his juices run clear, he's done.

---

[Bullseye throw a collection plate at Daredevil, hitting him in the head]

Bill Corbett: That is new meaning to "giving 'till it hurts".

---

Bullseye: Let's bring on the pain. Let's bring on the noise.

Bill Corbett: And what the hey, let's bring on "da funk".

---

[Bullseye gets both his hands shot through with a single bullet]

Bullseye: Oh my hands! My hands!

Mike Nelson [as Bullseye]: They got me drinkin' hand and me drinkin' hand!

---

[Murdock breaks a glass panel, causing Kingpin's office to become doused with water.]

Kevin Murphy: A-ha! Little did you know that your offset lighting system covers a high-pressure water main… for no reason at all.

---

[Daredevil breaks the Kingpin's knees. Kingpin falls to his knees, screaming in agony.]

Kevin Murphy [as Kingpin]: You broke my knees, so kneeling on them hurts!

---

[The Kingpin kneels defeated as Daredevil leaves]

Kingpin: I'll get you!

Bill Corbett [as Kingpin]: Dare you, Damndevil!

Battlefield Earth (2000)

[Intro skit]

Mike Nelson: Now, you guys know that this is Battlefield Earth, and I told you it'd be rough going. Do you think you're ready?

Bill Corbett: Well, I-I think so. And just to kind of raise my tolerance for pain, I've been listening non-stop to Insane Clown Posse CDs for the last 96 hours.

Mike Nelson: Wow. I admire the dedication.

[Hammering noise]

Mike Nelson: It's like--Er, Kevin? What's that?

Kevin Murphy: There. I had the same idea as Bill, and right there, I just finished pounding three dozen or so finishing nails right into my toes. Nothing could be worse than that! Er--right?

Mike Nelson: Well...

Kevin Murphy: Ah! Dang it!

Mike Nelson: Yeah, sorry about that.

---

Terl: While you were still learning to spell your name...I...was being trained...to conquer galaxies!

Mike Nelson: Seriously!? That is the performance you're going with!?

---

[Jonnie Goodboy Tyler looks left and right as his long hair flaps against his face]

Bill Corbett: He's beating himself with his own hairstyle.

---

[Terl shoots off a cow's leg]

Mike Nelson: Well, hey, shanks for dinner!

---

Mike Nelson: Stoned through the whole shoot?

[Terl and Ker laugh evilly]

Mike Nelson: Ah, yeah.

Bill Corbett: Yeah.

---

[The imprisoned humans cheer wildly]

Bill Corbett: Just your typical System of a Down show.

---

Carlo: I'm going to blow the dome?

Jonnie Goodboy Tyler: You're gonna blow the dome.

Mike Nelson: Well, at least buy it dinner first.

---

Mike Nelson: Uh-oh, it's Turd.

Kevin Murphy: Terl. Terl.

Mike Nelson: I stand by my statement.

---

[The humans have struck the climatic blow]

Mike Nelson: Yes! They've done it! Those plucky little hobbits have destroyed the ring!

Bill Corbett: Uh, Mike?

Kevin Murphy: Shh, shh. He's in a better place.

Mike Nelson: And the eagles are coming! The eagles are coming!

---

[a fat Psychlo has just walked in, arms extended out]

Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy & Mike Nelson: [in unison] NORM!

Troll 2 (1990)

Grandpa: Goblins still exist!

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: I fought them in World War II just yesterday!

---

[Referring to a poster on the kid's wall]

Mike Nelson: Nothing calms a kid more than a poster of a deranged clown.

---

[The mother looks into her daughter's room as she lifts weights]

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: I'm so glad she decided to become a man.

---

[Under the covers with a flashlight and closed eyes, terrified]

Joshua: Goblins don't exist! Goblins don't exist!

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: Phew, that's good to hear. I'd hate to have a movie called "Troll 2" filled with goblins. That's kind of like making a movie and calling it "Dragons," but it's actually about storks.

---

[On her boyfriend's friends]

Daughter: You even take them to bed with you, and I don't believe in group sex!

Mike Nelson: Unless that group happens to be Menudo, then I'm in!

---

[As green liquid flows down his forehead and tree roots spout from his fingernails, the kid's family turns into goblins]

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: Hey, it's Larry David! [imitating] "Why are you turning into a tree? Richard Lewis never turned into a tree!"

---

Creedence Leonore Gielgud: This is my housssssse!

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: This is the Community College Drama Department!

---

[Halfway through the movie, after constant talk of goblins and the setting of the town of Nilbog, Joshua sees a sign for the town reflected in a mirror]

Joshua: Nilbog! It's Goblin spelled backwards!

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: The "duh" heard 'round the world.

Aeon Flux (2006)

[as Flux and her compatriot dodge projectiles while doing acrobatics]:

Mike Nelson: Okay, little film school lesson: what do we learn by watching this scene?

Kevin Murphy: That "The Matrix" ruined movies forever?

Mike Nelson: Precisely, thank you.

The Wicker Man (2006)

[In an all girl classroom]

Sister Rose: Will you tell us what man represents in his purest form?

Kevin Murphy: [in a little girl voice] Sexist, chauvinist, patriarchal oppressor and we need him like a fish needs a bicycle.

Chorus of Schoolgirls: Phallic symbol! Phallic symbol!

[Edward laughs awkwardly]

Mike Nelson [as Edward]: Ha ha! That's what I was going to say!

. . .

Sister Rose: Don Quixote. A pursuer of lofty but impractical ideals. Usually, a man.

Mike Nelson and Kevin Murphy [as schoolgirls]: Phallic!

Edward Malus: Look, I, I just need to speak to Willow Woodward. Is she here?

Sister Rose: Already gone, I'm afraid. You're late. And the law won't help you with that

Kevin Murphy [as Rose]: Neither will your dirty, repulsive phallus.

. . .

Edward Malus: You little liars.

Mike Nelson and Kevin Murphy [as schoolgirls]: You phallic symbol!

---

[While speaking with his watery eyed and absent-minded ex, Willow]

Edward Malus: It's a new lock.

Kevin Murphy [as Willow]: Locks are... strange... unlike mittens... which are not square, are you an onion?

. . .

Mike Nelson [as Willow]: I like pottery, does your hair whisper to you?

. . .

Kevin Murphy [as Willow]: What time are grapes? Can I have your earlobes?

. . .

Mike Nelson [as Willow]: How old are bears?

. . .

Mike Nelson: I'd love to know how these two originally got together. Did he find her wandering through the produce aisle trying to force an acorn squash into her left ear?

Kevin Murphy: Yeah! Then he asked her, "Do you need help with something?" And she looked at him with those big liquid eyes and said, "Whaaaa?" And that was it, they just fell hopelessly in love.

Mike Nelson: And stayed in love, even through that time when she got her head caught in the sewer grate.

Kevin Murphy: It's a beautiful story.

---

[Edward has come across a burned doll belonging to Rowan]

Edward Malus: How'd it get burned? HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!

Willow: I-

Edward Malus: HOW'D IT GET BURNED?! HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!?

[Kevin and Mike start laughing uncontrollably]

Willow: I DON'T KNOW!

Mike Nelson: Well, at least they're communicating.

---

[During one of the many instances of Edward assaulting the female residents of the island]

Kevin Murphy: Ah, Neil LaBute, spreading his gospel of sexual hatred throughout the land.

Lost (2004)

[Shannon is screaming again]

Mike Nelson: Is there a DVD feature that mutes the audio every time one of these blonde chicks is talking?

---

[after hearing Rousseau's transmission]

Mike Nelson: Wow, that's weird. But at least it'll all be explained before the end of this episode!

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002)

[repeated line]

Mike Nelson: I love the water!

---

[as two ships fly toward Coruscant after the opening crawl]

Mike Nelson: Is it too early to hate this movie with a fiery passion that burns with the heat of a thousand suns?

Kevin Murphy: Well, we're only two minutes in, so . . . no.

---

[Jar-Jar and Anakin watch Padme exit the room]

Mike Nelson: That's right, just keep your mouth shut, frog-face.

Jar-Jar: Meesa bustin wit happiness seein yousa again, Annie!

Kevin Murphy: SHUT UP! WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?!

Mike Nelson: GO TO HELL! GO RIGHT TO HELL!

---

Obi-Wan [to Anakin]: You're using her as bait.

Kevin Murphy: Mastur-bait, that is!

---

[during a long sequence of Anakin and Obi-Wan flying over downtown Coruscant]

Kevin Murphy: So this take all the excitement of the Pod race –

Mike Nelson: So, none . . .

Kevin Murphy: Right, right, and adds a dash of "Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, make it stop" –

Mike Nelson: Uh-huh . . .

Kevin Murphy: . . . wraps it in a grim, humorless little package, and hands it to you like a plastic newspaper bag filled with freshly laid Rottweiler turds.

Mike Nelson: Well, there's something I missed in the original review.

---

[Anakin walks through the Coruscant nightclub]'

Kevin Murphy: If there was a world called Douchebagaville, would Hayden Christensen be the Grand Royal Emperor?

Mike Nelson: There is, and yes, he is.

---

Padme: Are you gonna use one of your Jedi mind tricks on me?

Anakin: They only work on the weak-minded.

Mike Nelson: Oh, so not on an intellectual giant like her?

---

[Anakin tries to express his feelings for Padme]

Anakin: From the moment I met you, all those years ago... not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of you.

Mike Nelson: Like the day I turned ten, for example.

. . .

Anakin: The thought of not being with you . . . I can't breathe.

Kevin Murphy: You can't act!

. . .

Anakin: What can I do? I will do anything you ask.

Kevin Murphy [as Padme]: Cut that stupid braid off?

Mike Nelson [as Anakin]: Well –

Kevin Murphy [as Padme]: Take acting lessons?

Mike Nelson [as Anakin]: You see, I –

Kevin Murphy [as Padme]: Have your vagina surgically replaced with a penis?

Mike Nelson [as Anakin]: I'll . . . look into it. I'll look into it.

---

Anakin: We could keep it a secret.

Mike Nelson [as Anakin]: Or we could wear fake mustaches!

Padme: We'd be living a lie, one we couldn't keep even if we wanted to. I couldn't do that. Could you, Anakin, could you live like that?

Kevin Murphy [as Anakin]: Well, now I'm kinda psyched about the fake mustache thing.

---

[Cliegg Lars greets Anakin and Padme]

Cliegg Lars: Cliegg Lars. Shmi is my wife.

Kevin Murphy: Shmi? Shmi!

Cliegg Lars: Come inside. We have much to talk about.

Kevin Murphy: We went through the entire first movie not knowing his mom's name was Shmi?

Chad Vader: Her full name is Shmi-Shmah-Shmuppy.

---

[Anakin gets up from the table]

Owen Lars: Where are you going?

Anakin [stiffly]: To find my mother.

Kevin Murphy [as Anakin]: God. What are you, an idiot or something?

---

[during an emotional scene with Anakin Skywalker]

Kevin Murphy [as Anakin]: Don't. Know. How to. Feel. Director. Won't. Tell me.

---

Yoda: Anakin Skywalker is in pain...terrible pain!

Kevin Murphy: Hey, what about us, Muppet Boy?! [movie cuts to another scene] Hey, don't you wipe-cut when I'm talking to you!

---

[Anakin is telling Padmé about his attack on the Tusken camp]

Anakin [crying]: Not just the men . . . but the women . . . and the children, too!

Mike Nelson [as Anakin]: And the chickens! Oh, yes, the chickens!

---

[waiting to be carted into the arena]

Padmé: I've been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life.

Kevin Murphy: Uh-huh, so have we.

Anakin: What are you talking about?

Padmé: I love you.

Mike Nelson [as Padmé]: Not as much as the water!

---

[Yoda flies into the arena with several clones]

Yoda: Around the survivors, a perimeter create!

Kevin Murphy: Hey, Yoda, around my butt smooches plant!

---

Yoda: To the forward command center take me!

Mike Nelson [as Yoda]: Under the desk hide until the battle over is I will!

---

[As a globe-shaped Federation spaceship blasts off from the ground]

Kevin Murphy: I had no idea Epcot could do that!

Mike Nelson: Oh, yeah. It's, uh, actually Michael Jackson's secret planetary escape pod.

---

[As the clones fight the droids]

Mike Nelson: D-do we have any idea who's fighting who?!

Kevin Murphy: Yes, the director is fighting the audience and the audience is fighting back.

Mike Nelson: Ah. And who's winning?

Chad Vader: 20th Century Fox!

---

[As Count Dooku arrives on Coruscant]

Kevin Murphy: ILM's philosophy: "We paid for the technology, so we might as well use it over and over and over again!"

Mike Nelson: Over and over and over again.

Willy Wonka & Chocolate Factory (1971)

[The film opens on a shot of a church.]

Neil Patrick Harris: And the movie is a non-starter, as Willy Wonka died of an aneurysm today.

---

[A crowd is gathered outside of the factory]

Neil Patrick Harris: Half of these people are from "People for the Ethical Treatment of Oompa Loompas".

Mike Nelson: And the other half are from "People Who Find Oompa Loompas Creepy and Terrifying, so Screw Them, Whatever They Are!"

---

[Willy Wonka ruffles Mike Teevee's hair during a musical number.]

Mike Nelson: He sings, he dances, he lovingly strokes young boys' hair, his pet chimp Bubbles is in charge of the shipping department...

---

[As the infamous tunnel scene begins]

Neil Patrick Harris: And if you're ready, Mike, may I offer you a wide-awake nightmare?

Mike Nelson: Uh, yes, thank you Neil. Don't mind if I do.

. . .

Neil Patrick Harris: Yes, kids love candy, whimsical characters and...

[Waits just until a chicken is shown being decapitated]

Neil Patrick Harris: ...animal slaughter!

---

Willy Wonka: The strawberries taste like strawberries. The snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

Veruca Salt: Snozzberries? Who ever heard of a snozzberry?

Mike Nelson [as Wonka]: Look, Salt, I swear to God I'll cut you.

---

Inventor: This machine will tell us the precise location of the three remaining golden tickets!

Neil Patrick Harris [as Inventor]: And then, with any luck, we can play a few games of Missile Command!

---

Mr. Turkentine: Charlie Bucket!

Charlie: Yes, Mr. Turkentine?

Mr. Turkentine: I shall need an assistant. Come and give me a hand.

Mike Nelson [as Turkentine]: You're not allergic to severe acid burns, are you?

---

Neil Patrick Harris: (about Turkentine) Stark raving insane, or just British? So hard to tell.

Casino Royale (2006)

[During the black-and-white pre-credits opening sequence]

Kevin Murphy: Uh... did we accidentally tune in to an old episode of The Avengers?

---

Mike Nelson: I'm Rube Cardsuck, this is Patsy Mc. Moneygone and Mr. E. Z. Mark.

---

[Bond confronts a traitor in MI-6]

Malcolm Dryden & Disembaudio: (in unison) How did he die?

James Bond: Your contact? [Dryden nods] Not well.

[flashback to Bond struggling to drown Dryden's contact in a bathroom sink]

Mike Nelson [as Bond]: He kept living when he was supposed to die. I had to kill him six times before he actually died. You know, come to think of it, he sucked at dying!

---

[Oily villain Le Chiffre steps out of a car]

Kevin Murphy: Hey, it's a fish in a suit!

Mike Nelson: ...no, that's Mads Mikkelsen.

---

Kevin Murphy (as Bond): Poison in my drink? Do you expect me to die?

Mike Nelson (as Le Chiffre): No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to fold!

---

[Bond chases a bomb-maker through various parts of a high-rise construction site while doing parkour]

Kevin Murphy: Oh I get it now! He's the missing Mario Brother!

Mike Nelson: Either that or he's the original Prince of Persia...

---

[As Vesper prepares herself for a night at the casino, Bond enters holding a revealingly-cut dress]

Kevin Murphy [as Bond]: [sing-song] Look what I'm wearing!

---

[After Bond strangles a man in front of Vesper.]

Mike Nelson [as Bond]: [intensely] Looks like I just choked that guy to death. [in a lighter tone] Sorry, I'm new here. I haven't got the "witty one-liner" thing down yet.

---

Kevin Murphy: Doesn't "Le Chiffre" mean "cabbage?"

Mike Nelson: No, that's "Le chou."

Kevin Murphy: Oh. I thought that was a Belgian ale.

Mike Nelson: No, that would be "La chouffe." With an "F."

Kevin Murphy: Okay, I thought that's what they call that creepy man who bleeds from the eyeball.

Mike Nelson: (laughs) No, that's "Le fist in Le face if you don't Le Shut up."

Kevin Murphy: Okay. Sorry.

Eragon (2006)

Mike Nelson: Well, that scene was neither fun nor interesting, but at least it gave us no new information.

---

[Over an establishing shot of a medieval peasant village]

Kevin Murphy [in a cheerful fake English voice]: HUZZAH! Welcome to the Renaissance Festival!

Mike Nelson: Carolingian or Byzantine Renaissance?

Kevin Murphy [in a cheerful fake English voice]: I don't know! HUZZAH!

---

[Eragon finds a large, leather-bound book lying on a table]

Mike Nelson: Look! It's the actual copy of Lord of the Rings that served as Exhibit A in the "Eragon" plagiarism suit.

---

[After his talking dragon hatches and grows to full size, Eragon visits an old village storyteller]

Eragon: Please. Tell me about the dragons.

Kevin Murphy [as Eragon]: You seem like a better authority than the dragon I was just talking to.

---

[Brom, an old hermit pulls a glowing red sword out of a bundle]

Mike Nelson [as Brom]: Ah, yes. The legend is that when the sword gloweth red, its bearer will fall asleep alone after eating Chef Boyardee straight from the can.

Kevin Murphy: So, uh... been glowing red a lot, lately?

Mike Nelson [as Brom]: [depressed] Six solid years.

---

[Brom urges Eragon away from the site of his uncle's murder]

Eragon: I'm not going anywhere! Not until I bury him.

Kevin Murphy [as Eragon]: I plan on casting his body into our town well in order to ward off the plague!

---

A medieval-style farm house is shown in flames]

Kevin Murphy: Another burninated victim of TROGDOR!

---

[On a particularly bizarre costume]

Mike Nelson: This isn't Borat, right? Nobody's being tricked into being in this movie?

---

[On the title]

Kevin Murphy: You know, Eragon sounds awfully like Aragorn. You don't think the guy who wrote this was cribbing on The Lord of the Rings, do you?

Mike Nelson: Please, it's like saying the makers of Disturbia were cribbing Rear Window.

Glitter (2001)

[During the production of a music video]

Mary Jo Pehl: A Terry Gilliam production has less problems than this.

---

Mike Nelson: Hey, Eric Benet! Boyz II Men, KC & Jojo, Anthony Hamilton, Tyrese, Keith Sweat, R. Kelly, D'Angelo, Babyface, and Maxwell must have been unavailable!

---

[Rafael hugs Billie]

Mike Nelson: Eric Benet is so smooth, Mariah doesn't know they've just had sex.

---

Billie Frank: [singing during a demo taping session] AaaAaaaaAaaaa...

Rafael: Mmm!

Mary Jo Pehl: Yummy!

Billie Frank: AaaAaaaaAaaaa...

Rafael: Mmm!

Mary Jo Pehl: Yummy!

Rafael: Okay, and the chorus is like...

Mike Nelson: [interrupting] The chorus is like this: "BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY SHAKE THAT BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY."

[Mary Jo starts laughing hysterically]

---

[Mariah Carey sings into a microphone, which squeals in a feedback loop]

Mike Nelson: Agh! I hate it when she hits that high note!

Grey's Anatomy (2005)

[A title card displays "Hour 1"]

Bridget Nelson: Hour 1? I hope Jack can find the terrorists!

Mike Nelson: WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR!?

Fantastic Four (2005)

[Generic rock is playing in the background]

Mike Nelson: It's not a superhero movie till you hear the first Nickelback song.

Kevin Murphy: That's true Mike, but Nickelback is a different band.

Mike Nelson: Wait, Nickelback is an actual band? All these years I just thought it was a derogatory term for a terrible band!

---

[The film shows a shot of the lumpy, rock-hewn Thing sitting with his head in his hand]

Kevin Murphy: Hey, Rodin's "The Thinker."

Mike Nelson: The Japanese monster, Rodan.

---

[The Fantastic Four successfully rescue a group of firemen from falling off a bridge during a catastrophe caused by the former]

Mike Nelson: And so, whereas before they arrived all was good and traffic was flowing nicely, the Fantastic Four bring in their wake car crashes, attempted suicides and injured firemen. Thank you, Fantastic Four.

---

[While testing the limits of his powers, Johnny increases his body heat to dangerous levels]

Mike Nelson: My God! He's almost as hot as the filling of a McDonald's apple pie!

Kevin Murphy: No!!

---

[Stan Lee cameos as a mailman wearing the classic blue uniform]

Mike Nelson: That's a nice cameo. Not sure why Mr. McFeely would be offered a cameo, but there you go.

---

[Dr. Richards uses his stretching ability to write equations across a very long chalkboard]

Mike Nelson: Ah, I guess he's doing long division (chuckles) - (to Kevin) Is that a gun?

Kevin Murphy: Oh yes, my friend.

Mike Nelson: … Sorry.

Kevin Murphy: You'd better be.

---

[Von Doom acquires his trademark mask, revealed in this movie to be a Humanitarian award he apparently received]

Kevin Murphy: In recognition of humanitarianism, an iron Satan mask.

---

Kevin Murphy: Is Johnny meant to be the most loathsome fictional character of all time like Uriah Heep or Richard III or Screech from "Saved by the Bell"?

---

[As the characters walk past various advertisements]

Mike Nelson: Huh, suddenly I'm hungry for Lunchables and Dos Equis.

Star Trek: Generations (1994)

(The scene opens on an 18th century frigate with the entire cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation wearing period appropriate naval uniforms.)

Kevin Murphy: Okay, I might be jumping the gun here but this may be the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made.

Mike Nelson: Hm, you know what, that's easy enough to figure out, let me just get out my tricorder here, punch in a few settings, "beep", "beep, beep, beep", adjust for fluxating magnetic fields, "beep", "beep, beep", take a residual stupidity reading, "nee-re-re-re-re-re-re", Kevin I'm getting very high readings indeed, sir!

Kevin Murphy: There must be emanations of asininity fouling your readings. Let me take my own, "click, click, buzz, whir, click". Yes, our data sets correspond, "click".

Mike Nelson: Well, okay. There you have it: scientific proof that this is the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made.

Kevin Murphy: Click, buzz, whir.

Mike Nelson: Nee-re-re-re-re-re-re.

---

Worf: We have analysed the Romulan's tricorder. They were scanning for a signature particle called "trilithium."

Riker: Trilithium?

Worf: Yes, an experimental compound the Romulans have been working on.

Mike Nelson [as Worf]: Crap, crap, jargon, jargon, crap, sir.

Kevin Murphy [as Riker]: Go on...

Mike Nelson [as Worf]: Made-up crap, jargon, bunch of bull, crap.

Kevin Murphy [as Riker]: So, it's Romulans, is it?

---

[On the cleavage-heavy Klingon females]:

Kevin Murphy: Are we looking at the only hairless part of their breasts?

Mike Nelson: NYAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAH!

---

Lursa: Fire at will!

Mike Nelson: Wil Wheaton? As tremendous an idea as that is, he's not IN this film, ma'am.

---

[Picard beams down to a planet's surface]

Kevin Murphy [as Picard]: Hm, my hair didn't make the trip. Oh, right...

300 (2006)

Bill Corbett: The Slow-Mostrians are coming!

Mike Nelson: CHAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGE!

Bill Corbett: (laughs) That's slow.

---

Leonidas: What message do you bring?

Persian Messenger: Earth and water.

Mike Nelson: So... mud?

Leonidas: You travelled all the way from Persia for "earth and water?"

Kevin Murphy [as messenger]: Yeah, well, I lost some of the message along the way.

---

[Right after the famous "This is Sparta" scene]

Bill Corbett: Well, I think he certainly proved that THIS! IS! SPARTA!

Mike Nelson: Yeah, his kids make fun of him cause when he's handing out stuff on the 4th of July he insists on saying, "THIS! IS! A SPARKLER!"

Kevin Murphy: Or, when he's giving his car a tune-up and his kid asks, "Hey Dad, what's that small white thing with the metal at each end?" he always replies "THIS! IS! A SPARKPLUG!"

Bill Corbett: Or, when he sits down to a meal of juice, toast, milk, and Trix cereal...

Mike Nelson: Uh-oh, where's he going with this?

Bill Corbett: And he looks at his bowl of Trix and he says, "THIS! IS! SPART OF A BALANCED BREAKFAST!"

Kevin Murphy: Wow!

Mike Nelson: You pulled it off, nicely done!

---

Stelios: We are with you, Sire! For Sparta! For freedom! To the death!

Kevin Murphy [as Stelios]: We signed the personal injury waiver! Sire!

---

King Leonidas: You there, what is your profession?

Free Greek-Potter: I am a potter... sir.

Mike Nelson [doing Jimmy Stewart]: Nothing but a scurvy little spider.

King Leonidas: And you, Arcadian, what is your profession?

Free Greek-Sculptor: Sculptor, sir.

King Leonidas: Sculptor.

King Leonidas: You?

Free Greek-Blacksmith: Blacksmith.

Bill Corbett [as the blacksmith]: But only jewelry, no weapons.

King Leonidas: SPARTANS! WHAT IS YOUR PROFESSION?

Spartans: HA-OOH! HA-OOH! HA-OOH!

Mike Nelson [as a Spartan]: And I'm a flower arranger!

---

[Leonidas addresses his already-assembled men]

Leonidas: Children! Gather round!

Mike Nelson [as Spartan]: Um, we kind of are around.

Leonidas: No retreat! No surrender! That is Spartan law!

Kevin Murphy: His acting style is trying to expel his own teeth from his head with the force of his own hamminess.

Leonidas: And by Spartan law, we will stand and fight... and die.

Bill Corbett [as Leonidas]: Isn't it awesome?!

Leonidas: A new age has begun.

Kevin Murphy [as Leonidas]: An age of us being dead!

Leonidas: An age of freedom.

Mike Nelson [as Leonidas]: ...from being alive and having heads!

The Bourne Identity (2002)

[Jason Bourne collapses, babbling and incoherent from shock and blood loss]

Michael J. Nelson: He's not acting. Matt Damon just ran out of "think juice".

---

[Jason effortlessly disarms and disables two policemen, then stares at the gun in his hands]

Bill Corbett [as Jason]: Well... guess I'll have to arrest myself. All right, drop my weapon! [Jason drops the gun] I have the right to remain— [runs off into the woods] Hey! Come back here, me! Stop, me!

Independence Day (1996)

[The Capitol building is blown up]

Bill Corbett: Yeah, filibuster this.

---

[ Harvey Fierstein is about to be incinerated]

Kevin Murphy: Think he's flaming now?

---

[President Whitmore is rallying the troops]

President Whitmore: We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!

Bill Corbett: We will not quote Dylan Thomas right!

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005)

[During the requisite opening scrawl of text]

Kevin Murphy: Episode ay-yi-yi!

Mike Nelson: Hey, look, they misspelled sh-

Bill Corbett: Hey! Easy!

. . .

Mike Nelson: Count Dooku, son of Lord and Lady Poopy.

. . .

Bill Corbett: Meanwhile, Vice Chancellor Ugga Bugga and Darth Buttcrack are rendezvousing on the planet Ovaltine, where the rebel leader B.B. Snausageberry is fighting the dreaded Camel Toe-ians. How's that?

Mike Nelson: I think you've got the hang of this whole Lucas thing -- here, have twenty billion dollars!

Kevin Murphy: [laughs]

Bill Corbett: Ah, much obliged!

---

[clone speeders fly over General Grievous's ship]

Kevin Murphy [nervous]: Oh-oh, no, tell me this movie won't have Podracing, will it? 'Cause if so, Mike, I'll pay ya good money to let me out of here now! I will sign the deed of my house over to you!

Mike Nelson: Kevin, relax. Enjoy this long, long sequence coming up of . . . Jar-Jar Binks doing funny stuff.

Kevin Murphy: GAH! No, don't, Mike, please! Seriously! I will kill all your enemies! Please! [begins hyperventilating]

Mike Nelson: Here. Breathe into this paper bag.

---

[In the duel between Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin, and Count Dooku]

Count Dooku: I've been looking forward to this.

Anakin: My powers have doubled since the last time we met, Count.

Count Dooku: Good...twice the pride...double the fall.

Mike Nelson [as the Count]: Quadruple the blandness.

---

[During Anakin and Padmé's secret meeting after his mission to rescue Palpatine]

Anakin: I don’t care if they know we’re married.

Padmé: Anakin, don’t say things like that!

Bill Corbett [as Padmé]: Say them with inflection and occasionally with emotion — it’s this new thing called "acting."

---

[Padme watches Anakin as he sits pensively on the balcony]

Bill Corbett [as Padmé]: Bland? I mean, honey? Can I make you some bland milk? I mean, warm bland? I mean, warm milk?

---

[Anakin seeks Yoda's advice]

Yoda: These visions you have . . .

Kevin Murphy [as Yoda]: Are they as bland as you?

. . .

Yoda: Fear of loss is a path to the dark side.

Bill Corbett: The dork side? I think he's already there.

. . .

Yoda: Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.

Bill Corbett: So, quit my job, get divorced and kill my dog. Got it!

---

[In a meeting of the Jedi Council, Yoda sits next to a hologram of Master Ki-Adi-Mundi]

Yoda: Disturbing is this move by Chancellor Palpatine.

Mike Nelson [as Yoda]: What do you think, penis-headed ghost of Hamlet's father?

---

[Anakin takes a seat next to Chancellor Palpatine during a show in a concert hall]

Bill Corbett: So they're just going to sit alone in those theater seats and make wisecracks about the show? What jerks!

. . .

Palpatine: Good is a point of view, Anakin.

Mike Nelson [as Palpatine]: Some think Nickelback is good!

---

[After Anakin has a vision of Padmé dying and is shown holding some unexplained technology]

Kevin Murphy [as Anakin]: Man, this "My Wife Dies" video game eats!

---

[the Wookiee leader lets out a war-cry]

Bill Corbett [as a Wookiee]: THIS! IS! THE TEDDY BEARS' PICNIIIIIC!

---

Yoda: Destroy the Sith we must!

Kevin Murphy [as Yoda] and then, remove my cyst we must.

---

[As Obi-Wan Kenobi rides a giant lizard to face General Grevious]

Bill Corbett: Here comes Goofy One Baloney on his Gulumphasaurus.

---

Obi-Wan Kenobi [to Anakin]: Be careful of your friend Palpatine.

Kevin Murphy [as Obi-Wan]: ...and your pal Friendpatine!

---

[After helping Palpatine send Mace Windu to his death]

Anakin: What have I done?!

Kevin Murphy: Well, you've wrecked two movies, ruined the franchise -- pretty much crapped the bed you sleep in!

---

Yoda: I hope right you are.

Michael J. Nelson [as Yoda]: Or predicate will I put again before subject and gibberish shall I spout.

Kevin Murphy: True that is, Mike. An idiot sounds he like.

Bill Corbett: And yet by many sci-fi geeks beloved he is, though Muppet he is also, and tiring his use of anastrophe is.

Michael J. Nelson: Also true that is. Annoying it very is. Off it pisses me.

---

[Mace Windu and a group of fellow Jedi prepare to arrest Chancellor Palpatine]

Kevin Murphy [as Mace Windu]: I have had it with these mother[bleep] Sith on this mother[bleep] planet!

---

[Obi-Wan and Anakin continue fighting.]

Kevin Murphy: So when does he turn into James Earl Jones?

Bill Corbett: Well, he can't do it all at once or it'll kill him. He's gotta work his way up the Manly Scale. First he turns into Lance Bass, then Rupert Everett. . .

Mike Nelson: Then Scott Stapp, David Duchovny, Wesley Snipes, Russell Crowe, Rosie O'Donnell and then James Earl Jones.

---

[Anakin and Obi Wan are using force push on each other]

Bill Corbett: Patty... cake... patty... cake... bake---ers... mmmmmmmMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!

---

[Obi-Wan and Anakin are fighting amongst erupting lava]

Mike Nelson: Clearly a homage to "Reign of Fire."

Kevin Murphy: What, 'cause it's raining fire?

Mike Nelson: No, because just like "Reign of Fire," there are no dragons on the screen whatsoever.

---

Obi-Wan: Anakin, Chancellor Palpatine is evil!

Anakin: From my point of view, the Jedi are evil!

Bill Corbett: From my point of view, a monkey wrote this script with his penis!

---

[After Obi-Wan has defeated Anakin]

Bail Organa: Obi-Wan Kenobi has made contact.

Mike Nelson [as Organa]: He said, "Ding, dong, the witch is dead!" Then C-3PO said, "Which old witch?" and he said, "The wicked witch!" and R2 beeped something. It was really pretty cute. You could tell they had practiced it, sir.

---

[a fully burnt Anakin is carried off Mustafar on a stretcher]

Kevin Murphy: Hey, clear a path for the charred douchebag!

Bill Corbett: Roasted numb-nuts, comin' through!

Mike Nelson: Make way for the flame-broiled Whopper! (I stopped at BK on the way.) Also, look out, burnt Jedi!

---

[during Padme's funeral procession]

Kevin Murphy: In a solemn act of mourning, the planet has changed its name to Naboo-hoo-hoo. Everybody agrees that a more tasteful gesture would be impossible.

---

[As the newly resurrected Darth Vader is rotated upright on a moving surgical table]

Bill Corbett: If this slowly rotates him face-down into a pie, the entire journey will have been worth it.

---

[while Palpatine squares off against the Jedi]

Kevin Murphy: Mike, what're you doing?

Mike Nelson: Well, I thought this would be a good time to share my recipe for a delicious and simple spread for bread or crackers.

Kevin Murphy: Oh.

Mike Nelson: Now, earlier in the movie, I roasted and peeled some red bell peppers...

Bill Corbett: Mmmm. They smell delicious, Mike.

Mike Nelson: Now, just chop those coarsely and put them in the bowl of your food processor...

Kevin Murphy: Hey, hey, the scene changed!

Mike Nelson: Huh? Oh, don't worry, that's just Ana-crap coming to whine and do nothing. Anyway, add a couple of cloves of fresh garlic, drizzle in some olive oil and a handful of grated Parmesan...

Bill Corbett: Oh, I see you grate the cheese right off the block there.

Mike Nelson: Well, you know what, I find nothing else has the texture and brininess of freshly grated Parmesan, Bill.

Bill Corbett: Mm-hm. Yeah.

Mike Nelson: Now I add some red wine vinegar and the juice of a whole lemon, and just pulse the mixture in a few quick 1-second pulses [food processor whirs] just enough to mix things up. And now here's the real trick: a quick shift chiffonade of fresh basil.

Kevin Murphy: A chiffonade? Do we have time?

Mike Nelson: Oh, a nice chiffonade just takes a second, see? Roll up the leaves, chop into ribbons... [chopping sound]

Kevin Murphy: Ahhh!

Mike Nelson: And just fold that into the mixture. Now if you'll hand me those slices of bread that I was toasting while Anakin was mooning his girlfriend...

Bill Corbett: Uh, Samuel has the guy pinned down now, Mike.

Mike Nelson: Which gives us just enough time to spread this on the bread and garnish with a pinch of lemon zest and there you go.

[Mike, Kevin and Bill eat]

Kevin Murphy: Oh, my... this is delicious!

Bill Corbett: It's terrific.

Mike Nelson: My pleasure.

Kevin Murphy: Love the garlic! Mmmm!... So, what the hell's goin' on?

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

[Indy speaks with two government agents]

Major Eaton: You studied under Professor Ravenwood at the University of Chicago?

Henry "Indiana" Jones: Yes, I did.

Mike Nelson [as Eaton]: A-ha! Communist!

Major Eaton: You have no idea of his present whereabouts?

Mike Nelson [as Eaton]: Eh, comrade?

---

[Marion punches Indy as soon as she sees him]

Marion Ravenwood: I learned to hate you in the last ten years!

Kevin Murphy: I guess she's a slow learner.

---

Indiana Jones: Marion, where's Abner?

Marion: Abner's dead.

Indiana Jones: Marion, I'm so sorry.

Kevin Murphy [as Indy]: I shouldn't have shot him.

---

[Indy and Sallah suddenly realize they can still find the Ark before the Nazis do]

Indy and Sallah together: They're digging in the wrong place!

Mike, Kevin and Bill together: Wow, that was kinda gay!

---

Mike Nelson: I'll never hear her shriek my name again.

Kevin Murphy: INDYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Mike Nelson: I'll never know which area of Bobby Knight's coaching career she prefered.

Kevin Murphy: INDYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Mike Nelson: I'll never hear her defend her favorite record labels.

Kevin Murphy: INDIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESS!!!!!

Mike Nelson: And I'll never know how she wanted to spend her Memorial Day weekend.

Kevin Murphy: INDYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! 500.

---

[While chasing Marion's captors around a corner, Indy is greeted by automatic weapon fire and scurries for cover]

Mike Nelson: This market is still more civil than Wal-Mart on Black Friday.

Kevin Murphy: I know I'd trample a pregnant lady for a $10 DVD player.

. . .

[While peaking around a corner, Indy starts getting hassled by some touchy locals]

Bill Corbett [as Harrison Ford]: Oh great, fanboys! Look, I've told you: I don't give a damn who shot first!

---

[Indy is staring at something through a piece of wooden latticework, as if in confessional]

Kevin Murphy [as Indy]: Forgive me, Father. I killed, like, eight guys today.

[A child walks behind him]

Kevin Murphy [as Indy]: Hey kid! Get outta my confessional!

Bill Corbett [as the child]: This is our kitchen!

Kevin Murphy [as Indy, now slurring]: No, you're drunk!

Bill Corbett [as the child]: Daddy!

---

[In disguise, Sallah begins lowering Indy into an unexplored chamber with a rope]

Bill Corbett [as Indy]: So it's one tug for "I found it," two tugs for "The mummy is real and absorbing my soul."

---

[Camera focuses to Belloq and his associates in their car during the chase scene at the trucks]

Mike Nelson [as Belloq]: This is a terrible Sunday drive. I'm not relaxed at all.

---

[A mechanic comes after Indy with a giant wrench, but misses]

Bill Corbett [as the mechanic]: "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" my ass!

. . .

[Indy motions to the muscle-bound German he's about to fight, then kicks him in the crotch while he's distracted]

Kevin Murphy [sarcastically]: Ah, our hero -- the sneaky nad-kicker.

. . .

[Later, as Indy bites the German's arm]

Kevin Murphy [sarcastically]: Our hero -- again, fighting like a sociopathic four year-old.

---

[Nazi submarine appears]

Bill Corbett [singing]: We all live in a... grey submarine...

---

[A bird's view of a great flame from the Ark]

Mike Nelson: Grampa tried to light the grill again.

---

[Lasers are shooting out of the Ark, killing all the Nazis]

Kevin Murphy: Ah. So, it turns out that God is just a high-tech laser weapon.

Mike Nelson: Yes, Kevin, I should re-think what I already know about theology and learn to worship a brutal killing machine.

Bill Corbett: One that kills any sentient being that looks at it, regardless of their moral standing. Yup, that's our creator.

Spider-Man (2002)

Bill Corbett: Willem Dafoe. When you need a movie monster, but can't afford makeup.

---

[Peter Parker's Uncle Ben checks the Want ads]

Kevin Murphy [as Ben]: Let's see what we got here... "Cliff Robertson Impersonator Needed." Say!

...

Bill Corbett [as Ben]: If that accursed rice-maker hadn't stolen the "Uncle Ben" brand, we'd be swimming in cash right now!

---

[Peter wakes up after passing out and discovers that he no longer needs his glasses]

Mike Nelson: Huh. Some guys get tattoos, he gets drunk and gets LASIK.

---

[Peter lifts his hand to find a fork stuck to it]

Bill Corbett: Why, he's Magneto.

Mike Nelson: Cerebro.

Bill Corbett: Magneto.

Mike Nelson: Cerebro.

Bill Corbett: Magneto.

Mike Nelson: Let's call the whole thing off.

---

[Peter watches Mary Jane get caught in her parents' fight next door]

Bill Corbett [as Peter]: Must be so nice to live with your real family.

---

[In his cage wrestling match, Peter leaps to the top of the cage to evade the charging Bonesaw]

Bonesaw: What're you doin' up there!?!

Peter: Staying away from you! [pause] That's a cute outfit -- did your husband get it for you?

[An angry Bonesaw charges again]

Mike Nelson [as Bonesaw]: [tearfully] We just broke up last week, you bastard!

[Peter jumps to the mat, only to shoot webs to the top of the cage to evade Bonesaw again]

Bill Corbett: So he gay-baits the guy and then he starts prancing around like a Twyla Tharp dancer?

---

[Norman Osborn reads a article about his struggling company entitled "Is This the End of Norman Osborn?"]

Mike Nelson: "Analysts say 'yes', barring any fourth-quarter mutations."

---

[Harry talks to a completely bald man in a wheelchair]

Harry: Hey, Mr. Vargas...

Mike Nelson: How's the X-Men going?

---

[Mary Jane begins to wake up while on top of one of the towers of the Queensborough Bridge]

Kevin Murphy: Ah, this happened to me once -- I accidentally mixed DayQuil with Mentos and woke up on top of a cooling tower at Three Mile Island.

---

[Green Goblin taunts Spider-Man to either save Mary Jane or a suspended tram full of children]

Kevin Murphy: Don't ask why the little children are riding the Roosevelt Island tram at one in the morning.

---

Norman: Harry!

Bill Corbett [as Norman]: My ass is hairy! I know it's not relevant, and it's really inappropriate, but I felt it was important enough to risk it.

Transformers (2007)

[Before it starts, Mike, Bill and Kevin summarize what they think they'll be doing for this RiffTrax]

Mike Nelson: Well thank you, big-voiced announcer, and welcome to this RiffTrax, where we'll be doing things a little differently today. We're taking on a quiet little film...

Bill Corbett: ...a little independent, something that snuck up on us and really captured our hearts.

Kevin Murphy: That's right. An elegaic movie, almost a poem rendered on celluloid...

Mike Nelson: ...sweet, but not cloying.

Bill Corbett: The term "magical" is thrown around a lot, you guys...

Kevin Murphy: Oh, and so is "heartwarming"...

Bill Corbett: Yeah...

Mike Nelson: But this wondrous labor of love truly is. We're talking, of course, about Transformers. And the voices you hear are, of course, my fellow riffers Bill Corbett...

Bill Corbett: Greetings, fellow cinema fans.

Mike Nelson: ...and Kevin Murphy.

Kevin Murphy: It's a pleasure to be here with you folks, but I have more information about Transformers...

Mike and Bill: Uh-huh...

Kevin Murphy: I'm now being told that rather than a quiet independent, this is an ear-shattering hell-stew of confusing images...

Bill Corbett: ...a steroid-crazed, PCP-fueled nightmare of a film that plucks your soul from your body, lays it on the hot asphalt and drives over it 10,000 times with a dump truck filled with machine parts.

Kevin Murphy: That's right, and then, screaming like a gut-shot banshee, it goes on to thrill-kill all hope and joy that exists anywhere in the universe.

Bill Corbett: Uh-huh, and Shia Labeouf is in it.

---

["In Association with Hasbro" is displayed in the pre-credits]

Mike Nelson: Ah, and that's all the Oscar committee needs to see.

---

[As Sam's parents continue to embarrass their son by talking about masturbation]

Kevin Murphy: TRANSFORMERS - ROBOTS IN DISGUISE… eh?.

---

[Sam is feeding his dog some pills]

Sam: I know you get wasted on these things. But if you piss on my bed again you're sleeping outside.

Kevin Murphy: Bobby Brown and Whitney have similar conversations.

---

[Sam's parents are gardening]

Judy Witwicky: Ron, this one is uneven! This one is wobbling!

Mike Nelson: This one is shrill and annoying!

---

[Mikaela examines Bumblebee's engine]

Mikaela: Looks like you've got a loose distributor cap.

Sam: Yeah, how do you know that?

Kevin Murphy [as Mikaela]: I just loosened it!

---

Soldier: I got no communication with aerial.

Bill Corbett: Or Prince Eric.

---

[Barricade extends a spiky limb towards Sam]

Kevin Murphy: I sincerely hope that's not an anal probe.

---

[Mikaela starts beating a Decepticon]

Mike Nelson [in a fey, whiny impression of Megan Fox]: I summon the power of hotness!

---

Ron Witwicky: Hey, looks like we got a blown transformer!

Mike Nelson [as Optimus Prime]: I wish!

---

Optimus Prime: My weapons specialist: Ironhide.

Ironhide: You feelin' lucky, punk?

Optimus Prime: Easy, Ironhide...

Ironhide: Just kiddin'. I wanted to show him my cannons.

Kevin Murphy [as Ironhide]: ...because I have no penis.

Optimus Prime: Our Chief Medical Officer: Ratchet.

Ratchet: The boy's pheromone levels suggest he wants to mate with the female.

Bill Corbett [as Ratchet]: Perhaps she would like some robot loving instead?

Optimus Prime: You already know your guardian, Bumblebee.

Sam Witwicky: Bumblebee? You're my guardian?

Mike Nelson [as Bumblebee]: Yeah, clean your room.

---

Sam Witwicky: Fifty years from now, when you're looking back at your life, don't you want to be able to say you had the guts to get in the car?

Kevin Murphy: I think Ted Bundy had some luck with that line.

---

[An F-22 pilot sees Starscream, who just transformed into a similar plane, coming up behind him]

Pilot: What IS that?!?

Mike Nelson: What do you MEAN, "What is that?"?! It's STARSCREAM! Duh! Oh, you must've been a GoBots kid!

Kevin Murphy: Oh, cheap parents, huh? Did you have "G.I. Gerald" dolls, too?

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)

Dumbledore: I would trust Hagrid with my life.

Bill Corbett: And if you can't trust the beneficiary of your million dollar life insurance policy, quite frankly, who can you trust?

---

Dudley: Make it move!

Kevin Murphy [as Dudley]: Do the lambada! Snakes love to lambada!

Mike Nelson: Who doesn't?

Uncle Vernon: Move!

Dudley: MOVE!

Harry: He's asleep!

Dudley: He's boring.

Kevin Murphy [as Dudley]: Let's watch something more exciting like the three-toed sloths.

---

Uncle Vernon: There's no such thing as magic!

Bill Corbett: Yeah well, there's no such thing as being big-boned, either!

---

[The Dursleys' house is being flooded with copies of Harry's acceptance letter to Hogwarts]

Kevin Murphy: These are actual letters from the fans of the Rowling books threatening to knee-cap the director if he messes with the story.

---

[Hagrid enters the Hut On The Rock]

Mike Nelson: It's Bonesaw!

Kevin Murphy: He must be Harry's real father!

Bill Corbett [as Bonesaw]: "Bonesaw is ready....to be the father you never had!"

. . .

[Harry walks up to Hagrid as he sits on the couch]

Harry: Excuse me--

Kevin Murphy [as Harry, referring to the Dursleys]: Could you please kill these horrible people?

---

[A wall of bricks magically moves aside, revealing the way to Diagon Alley]

Mike Nelson: Whoa! It's like that movie where everything transformed...

Kevin Murphy: Transformers?

Mike Nelson: No, no, that was about a kid who got caught masturbating...

---

[Hagrid takes Harry through Diagon Alley for school supplies]

Harry: But Hagrid, how am I to pay for all this? I haven't any money.

Hagrid: [pointing at building] Well, there's your money, Harry. Gringotts, the wizard bank! Tain't no safer place, not one. 'Cept perhaps Hogwarts...

Mike Nelson: ...which is why we're about to rob Gringotts, and not Hogwarts!

---

Hagrid: [to a goblin] Mr. Harry Potter wishes to make a withdrawal.

Mike Nelson: If that's okay with you, corpse of Benjamin Franklin.

---

Mr Ollivander: It seems like only yesterday your mother and father were here buying their first wands.

Bill Corbett: I assume they're parking the car - always full of life, those two!

---

[During the Halloween feast, Professor Quirrell bursts into the Great Hall screaming hysterically]

Quirrell: TROLL! IN THE DUNGEON!

Kevin Murphy [singing to the tune of Smoke on the Water]: Troll in the dungeon/And pumpkins in the sky

Mike Nelson: More like "Gin in the Teacher"...

---

Bill Corbett: I should really confront the film makers for being in conjunction with the drug industry for this film.

Mike Nelson: What are you talking about?

Bill Corbett: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stoned?

Mike Nelson: That's it. Leave your microphone and get out

Bill Corbett: Okay! Fine!

Mike Nelson: Get back here. You don't get off that easy.

---

[Harry wakes up on Christmas morning to find Ron sporting a new sweater with an "R" on it]

Harry: What're you wearing?

Bill Corbett [as Ron]: I'm a registered trademark!

---

Professor McGonagall: In a few moments you will pass through these doors...

Professor McGonagall and Disembaudio: ...and join your classmates.

Professor McGonagall: But before you can take your seats, you must be sorted into your houses.

Kevin Murphy: So bed-wetters to the left, and non-bathers to the right.

Professor McGonagall: They are Griffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slitheren.

Mike Nelson: Kidding. They're A, B, C, and D.

---

[While in Hagrid's hut, Harry, Ron and Hermione witness a dragon begin to hatch from its egg]

Harry: Hagrid, what exactly is that?

Hagrid: That? It's, uh...

Kevin Murphy [as Hagrid]: A cube -- a gift from Megatron!

---

[Filch is leading Harry, Ron, Hermione and Malfoy to Hagrid's hut]

Mr Filch: You'll be serving detention with Hagrid tonight. He's got a little job to do inside the Dark Forest.

Kevin Murphy: [as Filch] Some little punk from Jersey got a little mouthy, so Hagrid had to whack him.

. . .

[Hagrid shows a small amount of silvery unicorn blood on his fingers to the four kids]

Hagrid: You see that?

Kevin Murphy [as Arnold Schwarzenegger]: It's da T-1000!

---

[Neville confronts Harry, Ron and Hermione]

Mike Nelson: His jammies show he means business.

---

[Ron devises his final move in the climactic full-scale game of Wizard Chess]

Ron: ...the Queen will take me.

Bill Corbett: A phrase uttered nightly by George Michael.

---

[While gazing into the Mirror of Erised, Harry's reflection winks at him]

Bill Corbett: Did Harry's own reflection just hit on him?

Mike Nelson: Matthew McConaughey's does all the time.

---

[Points are being assigned to determine who wins the House Cup]

Dumbledore: And I have a few...last minute points to award.

Mike Nelson [as Dumbledore]: ...in the "Deus ex" category!

. . .

[Harry is receiving extra points after defeating Voldemort]

Mike Nelson: Let's make sure I'm clear. Battling the most feared wizard in the world was worth a measly sixty points?! This system is worse than the Neilsen ratings.

Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959) (Three Riffer Edition)

[opening credits read "Written-Produced-Directed by Edward D. Wood, Jr."]

Bill Corbett: "Written, produced, directed". The poor guy wasn't smart enough to spread the blame around.

---

Soldier: Looks like we beat them off again, sir.

Col. Tom Edwards: What do they want? Where are they going?

Mike Nelson: And why are we beating them off?

---

[Tor Johnson is walking silently through a graveyard]

Kevin Murphy: Well, he [Ed Wood] didn't give him [Tor Johnson] much to say, thank God.

Mike Nelson: Actually Ed Wood wrote him a touching soliloquy for this scene. It went something like, "Hear not my steps, which way they walk, for fear thy very stones prate of my whereabouts, and take the present horror from the TIME FOR GO TO BED!"

---

[Paula Trent is told to stay in the car while the police investigate the graveyard]

Paula Trent: Well, I don't like it, but I guess there isn't much I can do about it.

Bill Corbett (as Paula): Well, I guess I could open up a Tupperware container of whoop-ass!

The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

["A Long Time Ago In A Galaxy Far Away"]

Mike Nelson: Hey, it's not scrolling at an unpleasant angle! I can't read it!

---

Announcer: Introducing Chewbacca's family!

Bill Corbett: And many a scream-yourself-awake nightmare!

---

[We are introduced to Chewbacca's family]

Kevin Murphy: Wow. Even in Modesto, is there really enough pot around to make this thing happen?

---

[Lumpy begins playing a holograph, featuring tiny gymnasts in colorful costumes]

Kevin Murphy: This is the same scene that is playing on a constant loop in Ryan Seacrest's brain.

[Lumpy presses a button, and one of the holograph gymnasts enlarges to life-size]

Mike Nelson: Elton John would give everything he owned if this were only a real device.

...

Kevin Murphy: If I watch any more of this, am I gonna get a letter informing me that I am now legally gay?

Bill Corbett: Yes.

...

Mike Nelson: You know, it would be a pretty funny joke to play this music in the background if you knew someone was about to ask for your hand in marriage: "Rebbecca, my dearest love, would you--" WEDA-WHA-WERP, WEDA-WEDA-WEDA-WHE-WHERP...

---

[Harvey Korman in drag as a cooking-show host]

Chef Gormaand: Stir, whip! Stir, whip! Stir, whip!

Mike Nelson: Are you sure this aired during the family hour? Far more stirring and whipping than the F.C.C. likes to see before ten.

---

[While Malla is watching the cooking show]

Bill Corbett: So Wookiees prefer English-language cooking shows? They don't speak a word of it, but prefer it far and away over Wookiee programming?

Kevin Murphy: That's a good question, Bill. Here, let me check my first-edition Star Wars encyclopedia. OK, here it is. It says, "Why do Wookiees prefer English-language programming when they don't speak a word of it? That's a good question." And then it says, "Hey, look over there!" and it points and I look, and when I turn back around, it's gone. That was no help at all!

---

Mike Nelson: It was a risky thing to make a TV show that could only be enjoyed if your entire audience was as high as you were when you made it.

---

[ Diahann Carroll appears in a virtual-reality fantasy to which it is implied Itchy is masturbating]

Bill Corbett: I'm trying to imagine a creature that I would like to see doing that less. A diseased goat with five legs, maybe?

Mike Nelson: A giant sewer rat with irritable bowel syndrome?

Kevin Murphy: I got it: Rob Schneider.

Bill Corbett: Yep, yep, yep. You got it. You got it.

...

Mike Nelson: A Tony Award. An Academy Award nomination. An Emmy nomination. Three Daytime Emmy nominations. A Golden Globe. And now she is servicing a Wookiee! This is just sad!

---

Bill Corbett: Interspecies sex fantasies just for the holidays! Thanks, George Lucas!

---

Bill Corbett: My uncle gave me a holographic fantasy of my favorite singer, but having Meat Loaf do a seductive dance for me wasn't all that great, I got to tell you...

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)

[Reed is comforting Sue about their upcoming wedding]

Reed Richards: This is going to be the wedding you've always dreamed of, and I'm not going to let anything get in the way of that. [jokingly] Not even the mysterious transformation of matter at the subatomic level.

Kevin Murphy: Yeah, most people just call it, "a boner."

---

[Reed, unable to find a place to put his luggage, uses his stretching ability to store it in an overhead compartment across his side of the aisle as another passenger is about to put in hers]

Mike Nelson: Reed Richards took a solemn vow only to use his powers to be a dick to fellow air passengers.

---

[a shot of Latveria]

Bill Corbett: Where exactly is Latveria, anyway?

Mike Nelson: It's nestled between Norway and China.

Kevin Murphy: Those countries are nowhere near each other.

Mike Nelson: They are at EPCOT Center.

---

[Johnny and Ben swap powers, leaving Johnny looking Thing-like]

Mike Nelson [as Thing-Johnny]: Sweet, I rock! Heh, heh.

---

[The Silver Surfer has finished informing Sue about the threat of Galactus]

Silver Surfer: Take joy in the last few hours you have left.

Bill Corbett: Hours?!

Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy: [chuckling] Oh, jeez.

Batman & Robin (1997)

[A montage of clips of Batman and Robin putting on their suits includes a gratuitous butt shot]

Mike Nelson: [You didn't] accidentally rent "Buttman and Robin," did you?

Kevin Murphy: Come on, Mike! I wouldn't make that mistake a third time!

[The montage then shows Batman and Robin grabbing random gadgets off of a wall display]

Bill Corbett: Seems like a lot of preparation for a beer run...

---

[The opening credits read: "Based on DC Comics"]

Mike Nelson: Hey, don't go blaming DC Comics for this! This is your screw-up!

[Batman and Robin watch the Batmobile rise from its platform]

Kevin Murphy [as Batman]: Sorry we didn't get there in time to prevent the murder of thousands, Commissioner Gordon—we were waiting for the car to spiral slowly out of the floor!

[Batman first appears in close-up]

Bill Corbett [as George Clooney]: I'm George Clooney and I'm... sorry.

---

Mr. Freeze: The Iceman cometh!

Bill Corbett [as Freeze]: The audience goeth!

---

Mr. Freeze: Grab the gem! Kill the heroes!

Mike Nelson [as Freeze]: Yes, kill the heroes, for I am the villain! And all ambiguous questions of right and wrong will be answered with ice-related puns!

[A bunch of goons in ice-skating gear attack]

Bill Corbett: So where did Freeze get these guys anyway? Was there an ad that said, "Wanted: thugs. Must be skilled at hockey and stunt-skating. Obedience required. Enthusiasm a plus"?

---

[Freeze's rocket crashes through the museum roof]

Mike Nelson [singing]: "If you want to view paradise..."

[Cut to Freeze operating the rocket]

Kevin Murphy: Yes, get the mushrooms, kill the goombas, yes!

---

[Batman and Robin follow Mr. Freeze through some rooms with indoor snow flurries]

Kevin Murphy [as Batman]: Quick, Robin! He's heading into Narnia!

Bill Corbett: We're seeing the clouds of cocaine that fueled the script-writing sessions for this movie.

---

[Scientists are putting Bane's mask on]

Kevin Murphy: Great, next they'll stick boxing gloves on his hands and make him answer e-mails.

---

[Bruce and Alfred are discussing Robin (aka Dick Grayson)]

Alfred: You must learn to trust him, for that is the nature of family.

Bill Corbett [as Bruce]: I reserve the right to distrust anyone who goes by the name "Master Dick."

---

[Mr. Freeze flees from a party, leaving frozen guests in his wake]

Batman: Commissioner, you have eleven minutes to thaw these people!

Kevin Murphy [as Batman]: There's a sauna twelve minutes down the street!

---

[While staring out a window at his mother's grave, Bruce flashes back to his younger self and Alfred laying flowers at its headstone]

Kevin Murphy [as young Bruce]: Do you think she'll stay down this time, Alfred?

Mike Nelson [as Alfred]: Oh yes—I got her right through the brain, Master Bruce.

---

[Batman throws Robin into a vat of ice cream]

Kevin Murphy: Why does Batman keep throwing people into vats of chemicals? It's never worked in his favor.

---

Mr. Freeze: I hate when people talk during the movie.

Bill Corbett: Hey guys, can he hear us?

Mike Nelson: Well it could be worse. He used to be able to see us too.

---

Poison Ivy: Some lucky boy's about to hit the honey pot...

Bill Corbett: Oh bother!

---

[Robin tells Batman he's going solo]

Mike Nelson [as Robin]: I can still live at your place though, right?

---

[A security guard sits in a storage area where the costumes of the Riddler and Two-Face are clearly visible]

Mike Nelson: What, now we have to go and reference other movie travesties?!

Jurassic Park (1993)

"Weird Al" Yankovic: Jurassic Park in the light... not so frightening.

---

[Dr. Grant and Dr. Sattler view a Brachiosaurus up close]

"Weird Al" Yankovic: Oh, the utter majesty! Imagine how much dog food you could make out of just one!

. . .

Mike Nelson: You know, for a paleontologist this must be as big a thrill as if your favorite movie franchise came out with three new movies after like sixteen years of nothing! There'd be no way it could ever let you down.

---

[After Drs. Grant and Sattler first see the dinosaurs, Hammond limps toward them with an eager look on his face]

"Weird Al" Yankovic [as Hammond]: ...now to swoop in with that time share sales pitch!

. . .

John Hammond: Dr. Grant, my dear Dr. Sattler. Welcome... to Jurassic Park!

Mike Nelson [as Hammond]: ...is what I meant to say when we landed three hours ago. Forgive my rudeness.

---

[A jeep is driving to the visitor's center]

Weird Al Yankovic: Is that a dinosaur?

Mike Nelson: No.

Weird Al Yankovic: Is that a dinosaur?

Mike Nelson: No!

Weird Al Yankovic: Is that a dinosaur?

Mike Nelson: NO!

Weird Al Yankovic: This park sucks.

---

Hammond: I insist on being here when they're born.

Weird Al Yankovic [as Hammond]: I missed two of my own children's births to watch lizards crawl out of eggs!

---

Ian Malcolm: But again, how do you know they're all female? Does someone go into the park and, uh... lift up the dinosaurs' skirts?

Mike Nelson [as Malcolm]: ...'cause if not, I volunteer.

---

[The characters watch a cow being fed to the raptors]

Weird Al Yankovic: Hammond's glad he didn't save the "Welcome to Jurassic Park" line for right now.

---

[As the characters explore the park, thunder cracks overhead]

"Weird Al" Yankovic: [in booming voice] PLAY ME, will you?!

---

[Nedry is sneaking to the vault to steal dinosaur embryos]

Mike Nelson: Well, do you think he can pull it off, Al, or is he just too "White & Nedry"?

[Weird Al groans]

Mike Nelson: Thank you...

---

[The T-Rex looms over Grant and Malcolm's stationary car before noticing the light shining from the car up front]

Mike Nelson: Well, what're you gonna do? No movement around here. May as well-- saaaaAAAAaaayyy...

---

[Gennaro, the lawyer, has just been eaten by a T-Rex while sitting on a toilet]

Weird Al Yankovic: See, this is why Spielberg is a genius: he combined a bathroom joke with a lawyer joke.

---

[Muldoon treks slowly through the park, with a rifle]

Weied Al [as Elmer Fudd ]: Ssshh... be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting waptors. [Laughs like Fudd]

---

Ellie: ...unless they figure out how to open doors.

[A raptor opens a door]

Mike Nelson: "D'oh! Well, at least they'll never learn how to use a power drill." Cut to them starting a power drill. "D'oh! Well, at least they'll never learn how to log into my online bank account and drain my savings." Tap tap tap tap tap. "D'oh! Well, at least they'll never learn to harness the power of the atom and blow up our planet." Kaboom! "D'oh!"

---

Weird Al Yankovic: [As a raptor looking through a door window at Dr. Grant] Ah! A human!

---

Mike: Say goodbye to your childlike innocence.

"Weird Al": G'BYE, CHIL'LIKE INNOCENCE, G'BYE! G'BYE! G'BYE, G'BYE, GBYE!

The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

Kevin Murphy: It's the capsules!

Michael J. Nelson: TETSUOOOO!!!

---

[Neo jerks awake after a dream in which Trinity leaps from a skyscraper window, is fatally shot in midair, and crashes onto a car parked below]

Michael J. Nelson [as Neo]: My car!

---

[Link is returning home to his wife]

Link: Where's my puss...

[realizes that children are in the room]

Link: Eeeeeeeey...

[The riffers chuckle]

Cas: C'mon kids, time to go.

Michael J. Nelson [as the kids]: But we wanna help Uncle Link find his cat!

---

[As Neo and Trinity have sex]

Michael J. Nelson: (As if speaking through an intercom) Mr TheShark, "The Matrix" is here for it's ten-o'clock jumping.

---

[During the dance scene/sex scene]

Kevin Murphy: This has now lasted longer than the Orthodox wedding scene in The Deer Hunter.

...

[Later]

Kevin Murphy: Okay, now it's lasted longer than the entirety of The Deer Hunter.

---

Seraph: You do not truly know someone until you fight them.

Bill Corbett: Which is bad news for my grandma.

---

Kevin Murphy: (singing to the tune of the Superman theme) "It's Keanu Reeves, he's going so fast!

[Later]

Kevin Murphy: (still singing) It's Keanu Reeves, he's trailing some garbage!

[Later]

Kevin Murphy: (still singing) It's Keanu, flying Keanu, going to save the hot chick and then smoke up a bowl!"

---

[Neo meets with the Oracle]

The Oracle: Let's get the obvious stuff out of the way.

Neo: You're not human, are you?

The Oracle/Disembodio: It's tough to get any more obvious than that.

Neo: If I had to guess, I'd say that you're a program from the machine world.

Michael J. Nelson [as Neo]: Or, wait, no, a squirrel of some kind!

---

The Oracle: I thought you'd have figured that out by now.

Michael J. Nelson [as Neo]: A-ha! You forget that I'm an idiot!

---

Agent Smith: Our connection. I don't fully understand how it happened, perhaps some part of you imprinted onto me, something overwritten or copied, but it is at this point irrelevant.

Bill Corbett [as Smith]: We'll fill it in in a later rewrite, whoops.

---

[As the Merovingian speaks, a cake that he "programmed" is eaten by a beautiful woman, who proceeds to orgasm in the middle of a crowded restaurant]

Merovingian: And this is the nature of the universe. We struggle against it. We fight to deny it, but it is of course pretense. It is a lie. Beneath our poised appearance, the truth is we are completely... out of control.

Kevin Murphy: Ah. So the nature of the universe is a date-rape drug slipped to us by some pervy frog.

Mike Nelson: I want a new universe.

Kevin Murphy: Yea. Me too.

Bill Corbett: Please?

---

Kevin Murphy: You know, my friends, the whole world of The Matrix explores a very Buddhist view of the universe, questioning "What is reality?", "What is identity?", delving deeply into the matter of "What is free will, what is choice?", "Are we destined to lives the lives we do?", and "If faced with two dreadlocked albino freaks chasing you car, shooting semi-automatic weapons at your head, can you get your sweet ass out of there?" All questions the Buddha pondered under the Bodhi tree. Namaste.

Beowulf (2007)

[Beowulf, after being caught in a sea monster's mouth, manages to cut his way out through the monster's eye. He screams in triumph]

Beowulf: BEEOWUULF!

Mike Nelson: Guys, If I ever burst out of the eye of a giant sea creature, I promise I'll have something better to yell than "MIIIIIIIIIIIKE!"

---

[Wealthow sings a slow folk song while playing the lute]

Mike Nelson: [singing] "What if Thor was one of us...just a bore like one of us..."

---

[During the fight between Beowulf and Grendel]

Kevin Murphy: Here, we can follow along in the Old English text: Den punched he, nakede Beowulf, in Grendel on de noggin. Den flipped him doen Gymkata dismounten causen Grendel his assen be roasted en his bippies in der pit smoken.

Mike Nelson: Wow, that is an extremely faithful telling.

Kevin Murphy: Oh, you're bettin' your meatballs.

---

[Beowulf is holding Grendel's arm in the door]

Beowulf: I AM BEOWULF! [rips off Grendel's arm]

Kevin: Just in case you thought that I WAS SPARTA!

---

[Grendel's mother stares seductively at Wiglaf]

Kevin Murphy [as Wiglaf]: You want another kid out of me, don't you?

Bill Corbett: Water demon joke or Angelina Jolie joke?

Kevin Murphy: I, uh... I don't know.

Spider-Man 3 (2007)

[Harry accidentally flies into a web strand set by Peter, sending him crashing head first into a metal air duct and then into a dumpster in an alley]

James Lileks: He was going to use a spring-loaded boxing glove, but that just seemed, you know, too conventional.

---

[At the ceremony held to honor Spider-Man, the riffers decide to read some of the signs people are carrying]

James Lileks: Let's read the signs here... "Thanks Spidey"... "Right On Spidey?" That sign says "Right On Spidey"! No one's said "Right On" since Laugh-In was last aired.

Mike Nelson: "Sock It To Me, Spidey."

---

[In response to Bruce Campbell's appearance as a French maître d']

Mike Nelson: It's John Cleese doing a French Bruce Campbell doing Steve Martin doing Peter Sellers.

---

[Spider-Man is taking in his new black symbiote-fused costume]

Spider-Man: I feel...

Mike Nelson [as Spider-Man]: ...like Malibu Stacy when she got her new hat!

---

[Spider-Man destroys Brock's camera when he tries to take pictures of him, then hops down into the sewer]

Eddie [yelling]: What the hell?!

James Lileks [as Eddie]: My pictures of my cat on an invisible bike!

---

[After dispatching Sandman in their first battle]

Spider-Man: Good riddance!

James Lileks: Or, as Jackie Chan's symbiote would say: Daaayum!

Mike Nelson: That wasn't a symbiote -- that was Chris Tucker.

---

[Peter looks into a mirror while wearing the black symbiote suit]

James Lileks [as Peter]: No! Having gone black, I can never go back!

---

[During the scene when MJ and Harry are dancing in his kitchen]

Mike Nelson: Did a reel from The Big Chill get spliced into our superhero film?

. . .

James Lileks [after shuddering]: In many ways, this is much worse than having the guy just sleep with your girlfriend.

---

[Peter tearfully shows Mary Jane the ring he was going to use to propose to her]

Peter: [Do] you know what this is?

James Lileks [as Peter]: It's three nights in Vegas if we pawn it!

---

[After Peter's infamous scene strutting down the street, the shark-jumping references begin...]

Mike Nelson: And we cut to the shark smoking a cigarette after the serious jumping that just occured.

---

[Later, as Parker is ineffectually dancing to modern jazz, the references continue]

Peter: Now dig on this.

Mike Nelson: Yup, the shark had its slippers on, was relaxing on the couch, now it's hurriedly getting dressed while his wife shrieks at him, "I thought you weren't doing jumps this late anymore!"

. . .

[A bouncer comes up to the jazz club's manager after Peter's infamous dance scene]

Bouncer: Is everything OK here, Paul?

Mike Nelson [as the Bouncer]: I was in the can -- did anything gut-wrenchingly awful happen?

---

[Bernard, the butler, tells Harry that his father Norman was killed by his own weapon, and that it was not Spider-man's fault]

Mike Nelson [as Bernard]: Also, Peter was taken over by some sort of symbiote and that's why he's acting so weird. Heh. Why do I keep these plot points to myself?

Cloverfield (2008)

Party guest: Bon voyage, Rob. Or however you say that in Japanese.

Bill Corbett: Just add "Mr. Roboto" and you'll be fine.

---

Hud: Lily, if you know something, you have to tell us.

Bill Corbett [as Lily]: Okay, look, they forgot to write a script for this movie.

---

Mike Nelson: Ah. Well, you're about an hour late, monster.

Kevin Murphy: We're only eighteen minutes in, Mike.

Mike Nelson: I stand by my statement.

---

[The characters walk out into a street filled with fire and smoke]

Bill Corbett: Well, it seems Kiss was in town, and apparently they just rocked too hard.

---

[Rob leaves to find Beth, who lives in an area currently being destroyed by a giant monster]

Hud: Hey, Rob, listen. You gotta think this through, man. Okay? Beth lives in Midtown. Midtown is that way. Guess what else is that way? Some horrific shit is in Midtown!

Mike Nelson [as Hud]: The Disney Store, Rob! You wanna risk running into the Disney Store?

---

[Rob stands on a subway platform near the tracks]

Kevin Murphy [as Rob]: Hey guys, I'm gonna whiz on the third rail and see if it's really as bad as old "No Wiener" Johnson claims it is.

---

[Rob regrets that his parting words to Beth were actually a shot at her date]

Rob: The last thing I said to her was, "Good luck tonight, Travis."

Lily: She knows you didn't mean that.

Mike Nelson: She knows you meant, "Rot in hell, Travis."

---

[Rob forces a soda machine open with a crowbar]

Kevin Murphy: Ah! The often-overlooked upside to the monster apocalypse: free Mr. Pibb.

---

Bill Corbett (as soldier): I give this top-secret information only to you, Rob dude. Use it well, brah.

I Am Legend (2007)

[The film opens on a shot of Will Smith]

Bill Corbett: So, this is a story all about how his life got flipped, turned upside-down, if you will.

Mike Nelson: Kind of an odd way to sum up the experience of being the last man on earth but, yeah.

---

Soldier: They'll get out safe. You got my word on it.

Mike Nelson: Or my name isn't Frank Never-Keeps-His-Word.

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

Frodo: The ring is trecherous, but we'll hold you to your word.

Gollum: Yes, on the precious... on the precious.

Kevin Murphy: [singing] "On-da precious! doo doodoodoo-doo..."

---

[Eomer is questioning Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli after finding them traveling through Rohan]

Eomer: What business does an elf, a man and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?

Kevin Murphy [as Eomer]: Shouldn't you be walking into a bar somewhere?

---

[The Fellowship ask Eomer about Merry and Pippin]

Gimli: There were two hobbits. Did you see two hobbits with them?

Aragorn: They would be small, only children to your eyes.

Kevin Murphy [as Eomer]: Do they tend to scream for mercy and shout "I'm not an orc"?

---

Treebeard: Tree?!

Mike Nelson [as Treebeard]: Oh no! Where?!

Treebeard: ...I am no tree! I am an Ent!

Kevin Murphy [as Treebeard]: See, trees be dancin' like this, but Ents be dancin' like this!

---

[Frodo falls into the water at the swamp even though he shouldn't "follow the lights"]

Kevin Murphy: This is so the opposite of in that song from The Little Mermaid! "Darling it's better down where it's wetter!?" It's worse where it's wetter!! MUCH worse!!

---

[Frodo squirms as a Black Rider approaches]

Mike Nelson: He looks like he just saw the trailer for Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

---

Gandalf: Shadowfax. He is the Lord of all horses.

Kevin Murphy: And CEO of all donkeys!

---

Herald: All hail Theoden King!

Bill Corbett: Brother of Larry, cousin of Don, nephew of Alan, uncle of B.B., Albert, Ben E., Billie Jean, Carole and Evelyn "Champagne".

---

Gandalf: The defenses have to hold.

Aragorn: They will hold.

Bill Corbett [as Gandalf]: Well they'd just better hold, or someone's gonna get it!

---

[On Gollum/Smeagol's famous dialogue]

Mike Nelson: This is in that prestigious collection, "Monologues for Insane Actors".

---

[Theoden stands in front of a doorway preparing for battle. A brilliant white light is shining outside]

Mike Nelson: Well the battle seems pretty irrelevant now, what with the Earth is being engulfed by a supernova!

---

[Treebeard is devastated to see a deforested woodland, as many remaining stumps were his fellow Ents]

Mike Nelson: Hey, you gotta get the paper for all those new Lord of the Rings editions from somewhere.

Kevin Murphy: The worst job is gutting the Ents before throwing them into the chipper.

The Sixth Sense (1999)

[Skinny, crazed and nude but for his briefs Vincent Gray is standing in Malcolm Crowe's bathroom]:

Vincent: Don't you recognize your own patients?

Mike Nelson [as Malcolm]: Stained Underwear Kowalski! Is that you?

---

[The scene right after Malcolm gets shot]

Mike Nelson [as Malcolm]: Well this is great, cause I don't feel dead at all!

---

Bill Corbett: So, all the color red in this film, what's it supposed to symbolize?

Kevin Murphy: Uh, herring I think.

Mike Nelson: No, actually, Shyamalan uses the color red to trick people into thinking that the color red is important.

Bill Corbett: Wow, that's brilliant.

Mike Nelson: Yeah, originally he wanted to use flashing strobe lights and an "aah-ooh-gah" horn but then decided to dial it back

Bill Corbett: Again, quite brilliant.

---

Lynn: I don't know if you've noticed, but our little family isn't doing so good. I mean, I've been praying... but I must not be praying right.

Bill Corbett: Did you get the right permit?

Lynn: Look's like we're just going to have to answer each other's prayers.

Kevin Murphy [as Lynn]: You can be Cthulhu.

---

[A doctor, played by M. Night Shyamalan, talks to Lynn about Cole. Malcom Crowe looks visibly annoyed.]

Bill Corbett [as Malcom]: This actor EATS!

---

[While moving furniture]

Anna's boyfriend: You don't need a guy with a Master's. You need a wrestler with a neck larger than his head.

Anna: No, I need a wrestler with a Master's.

Bill Corbett [as Randy "Macho Man" Savage]: BONESAW'S GOT A MASTER'S!

---

[Cole looks out the window as the bus he's is riding drives past a cemetery]

The Riffers [as ghosts it's implied that Cole can see]: Mornin' Cole - Hey Cole - Hey wassup man - How ya doin' Cole - YOU SUCK COLE!

[A shaken Cole quickly faces away from the window]

---

[At Kyra Collin's funeral, the mourners watch a video of one of the deceased's puppet shows]

Kyra [as puppet]: We can dance for a little bit, and if you don't like the way I dance...

Kevin Murphy [as Kyra]: Drop dead.

Kyra [as puppet]: ... you can kick me.

[Kyra's teary-eyed father smiles briefly at his daughter's play]

Bill Corbett: Puppet violence brightens his day.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

[Harry's fat Uncle Vernon jerks awake]

Mike Nelson [as Vernon]: [gasps] Bacon sandwiches, is that you?!

. . .

[as Vernon tries to stop Harry from escaping out the window]

Mike Nelson [as Vernon]: Pork where you are, in the name of gravy!

. . .

[as Vernon falls out the window]

Mike Nelson [as Vernon]: Tell sausage I love it!

---

[Ron and two of his brothers pull up to Harry's window in a flying car.]

Kevin Murphy [as Ron]: Betcha can't guess how drunk we are!

Harry: Ron! Fred! George!

Mike Nelson [as Harry]: Ringo!

---

[Ron and his brothers prepare to pull the bars of Harry's window.]

Ron: You better stand back.

Kevin Murphy [as Ron]: Last time we did this, three people died.

---

Ron Weasley: Dad loves Muggles. Thinks they're fascinating.

Mike Nelson [as Ron]: He's got three tied up in the basement.

---

[Harry mistakenly lands in dingy and seedy Knockturn Alley via Floo Powder]

Kevin Murphy: [He] must've made a wrong turn at Sweeney Todd.

---

[The barrier at the Kings Cross Station won't allow Harry & Ron to go past]

Harry Potter: Maybe we should just wait by the car.

Ron Weasley: The car?

Bill Corbett, Mike Nelson & Kevin Murphy: Road trip!

---

[The Ford Anglia starts to stall and goes to crash into the Whomping Willow]

Kevin Murphy: Oh that little prankster Dobby put sugar in their gas tank!

Mike Nelson [as Dobby]: [He does a little high-pitched mischevious laugh]

---

[The Whomping Willow pierces the back windshield of the flying car with a long, smooth branch]

Kevin Murphy: Gah! What part of the tree was that?!

---

[Filch believes Harry is the one who petrified Mrs. Norris]

Argus Filch: You've murdered my cat!

Mike Nelson [as Filch]: You shall become my new cat.

---

[after Filch's cat is Petrified]

Albus Dumbledore: Everyone is to return to the dormitories immediately.

Kevin Murphy [as Dumbledore]: Lock up your cats!

Dumbledore: Everyone except... [indicated Harry, Ron, and Hermione] ...you three.

Mike Nelson [as Dumbledore]: Uh, Larry, Don, and the Mudblood.

---

Professor McGonagall: Today, we will be transforming animals into water goblets.

Kevin Murphy [as McGonagall]: Why? Because we can! [cackles]

---

Mike Nelson: Quidditch: It's like the WNBA divided by curling.

Kevin Murphy: Quidditch: It's what your wife sees when you make her watch baseball.

Bill Corbett: Quidditch: There's actually footage of people trying to play it on Youtube.

Mike Nelson: Can we have a rules refresher for Quidditch?

Kevin Murphy: Yes, the object is to wait for Harry's team to win.

Bill Corbett: Quidditch: Take NASCAR, subtract the drunks, sunburns, and Confederate flags, yet still somehow make it much, much, worse.

---

[as Harry veers wildly on his broom to avoid a rogue Bludger]

Draco Malfoy: Training for the ballet, Potter?

Mike Nelson [as Malfoy]: My implication is that you are feminine and possibly homosexual!

---

[after Snape blast Lockhart across the hall in a duel]

Hermione: Do you think he's all right?

Ron: Who cares?

Mike Nelson [as Ron]: I came for blood!

---

[Harry's dormitory has been ransacked. Hedwig is perched on the dresser.]

Bill Corbett [as Hedwig]: OK, I did it. I was bored. Who.

---

[Lucius Malfoy enters Hagrid's hut]

Bill Corbett: Gay George Washington!

---

[About Moaning Myrtle]

Bill Corbett: I see dead Lisa Loebs!

---

[Ron and Harry talk about the basilisk]

Ron: If it kills by looking people in the eye, how is it no one's died yet?

[There's a long pause as Harry thinks]

Bill Corbett [as Harry]: Hmm... uh... yeah... We better call J.K. about that. You have her cell number?

---

[Voldemort reveals that his birth name, Tom Marvolo Riddle, is an anagram of "I Am Lord Voldemort"]

Kevin Murphy [as Harry]: So, you supervillain types really go for childish word games, huh?

Bill Corbett [as Voldemort]: Yes, in fact I turned my name into a dirty limerick: "There once was a wizard named Voldemort/ Who partied all night in Hyannis Port/ He awoke feeling sore/ Pulled out twelve dollars more/ and said, "Madam—"

[The other riffers shout at him to stop]

---

Dumbledore: You can speak Parseltongue, Harry. Why?

Kevin Murphy [as Dumbledore]: You're a dangerous freak, that's why!

---

[after Dumbledore decides to cancel the end-of-year exams to thunderous applause]

Bill Corbett [as Dumbledore]: [drunkenly] Head out into the world as the uneducated rabble that you are, see if I give a tin schilling. That's right, whoop it up. You retards!

Memento (2000)

[Leonard searches his motel room]

Leonard Shelby: [in voiceover] It's just an anonymous room. There's nothing in the drawers. But you look anyway. Nothing except the Gideon bible, which I, of course, read religiously. [chuckles]

Kevin Murphy: He forgot that he isn't funny.

---

[Leonard sees a note taped to his thigh saying "SHAVE"]

Mike Nelson: I don't wanna know what the note taped to his butt says.

---

[Leonard exits a restroom as another man enters it]

Mike Nelson: Lenny has already forgotten what he did to this restroom but for that guy, the horror will haunt him forever.

Ocean's Eleven (2001)

Parole Officer: While this was your first conviction, you have been implicated, though never charged, in over a dozen other confidence tricks and frauds.

Mike Nelson: Not to mention Batman & Robin!

Parole Officer: What can you tell us about those?

Danny Ocean: As you say, ma'am, I was never charged.

Richard Cheese: The smug wink is implied.

---

[As Danny, played by George Clooney, exits the prison]

Richard Cheese: He was serving five years for having done Solaris... and he had a lenient judge.

---

Topher Grace: All reds!

Mike Nelson: Barber, Buttons, Baron, Foxx and Skelton!

---

Rueben Tishkoff: I know more about casino security than any man alive, I invented it, and it cannot be beaten!

Mike Nelson: It's like Battletoads!

---

Basher Tarr: You tossers! You had one job to do!

Richard Cheese [as Basher]: You were supposed to coach me on how to do a good Cockney accent! And you BLEW it!!

---

Danny Ocean: Hello, Linus. [holds up wallet he lifted from Linus, who lifted it from someone else] Whose is this?

Mike Nelson: Steve Bartman's.

---

Mike Nelson: Las Vegas! If Nero fiddling were a city!

Richard Cheese: Las Vegas! Why go on your bender anywhere else?

Mike Nelson: Las Vegas! What happens in Vegas... is usually not pursed by our disorganized, largely-incompetent police force!

Richard Cheese: Ah, memories of Vegas: arriving at the airport, waking up on the plane home... good times.

---

Tasher: So unless we intend to do this job in Reno, we're in barney.

Mike Nelson: We rob the casino in dinosaur costumes?

Tasher: "Barney Rubble"... TROUBLE!

Richard Cheese: This is the most annoying accent since Elliot Gould played Rueben in Ocean's 11.

---

[As Turk and Virgil walk along the corridors in caterers' outfits]

Mike Nelson: So are we to assume that the two real caterers are out back, bound and gagged in their underwear?

Richard Cheese: They are... but it's unrelated to how they got the uniforms.

Mike Nelson: Huh... Vegas.

---

Rusty Ryan: [to Yen in the container] You all right? You want something to read? A magazine?

[Yen flips him off]

Mike Nelson [as Yen]: Here, Jennifer sent this!

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

[Jack Sparrow sneaks aboard a ship while the two guards assigned to protect it bicker amongst themselves]

Kevin Murphy: Another crafty con man who depends on the severe retardation of his victims.

---

[As Jack Sparrow surfaces, spitting out sea water and catching his breath]

Mike Nelson: Ahh! Horrible liquid that is not rum!

---

[The blacksmith shop door is being busted down by Norrington's men]:

Kevin Murphy: It's the ghost of Walt Disney!

Bill Corbett: (As Walt Disney's ghost) Don't make my rides into movies!"

---

[Elizabeth is being tucked into bed by a maid who is showing her cleavage while bending over the bed]

Maid: There you go, Miss. It's been a difficult day for you I'm sure.

Bill Corbett [As Maid]: Seeing my heaving breasts knowing you have none at al-

Kevin Murphy [Indignant]: WILLIAM!

Bill Corbett: Well they were right there.

---

[Discussing the Black Pearl]

Will Turner: Where does it make berth?

Jack Sparrow: "Where does it make berth?"

Mike Nelson [as Sparrow]: Ships can 'ave babies?

---

[A sailor, in an attempt to board a ship, swings on a rope and accidently lands in the water.]

Mike Nelson: Mr. Cavingis, this is no time for a Mountain Dew commercial!

---

Gibbs: Anything we can afford to lose, see that it's lost!

Kevin Murphy: Well, Keira could stand to lose a few pounds.

Bill Corbett: Yeah, good thing it's a whaling ship you fat lard!

---

[On a closeup shot of one of the undead pirates]

Kevin Murphy: BRAAAAAIINNS! I mean, ARRRRRRRRRR!

---

[A man's hat is blasted off by gunfire]

Kevin Murphy: That hat had three days until retirement!

---

[The Commodore's men are being attacked by their own ship]

Mike Nelson: Our cannons have achieved sentience and turned against us! It's the only possible explanation!

Iron Man (2008)

[The guys comment on Tony's appearance while he's being interviewed by a Vanity Fair reporter]

Mike Nelson: Glasses from the "I-own-a-dirty-book-shop" collection.

. . .

Bill Corbett: Beard and mustache from the "Guy-who-makes-lewd-comments-about-his-own-nieces" collection of beards and mustaches.

. . .

Kevin Murphy: Slicked back hair from the "Brother-in-law-who-threw-up-at-your-daughter's-first-communion-party" line of slicked back hair.

---

[Rhodey is seen waiting for Tony at the top of a mobile set of stairs to Tony's private jet]

Rhodey: What's wrong whichou?

Kevin Murphy [as Rhodey]: Do you know how hard it is up here for a pimp?

---

[While escaping from the terrorist base, Tony Stark sets off a massive explosion that engulfs the base]

Kevin Murphy: And Iron Man is clearly dead. It was a short superhero movie, but an unusually honest one, in that it acknowledged the impossibility of a man surviving... [Stark flies out of the explosion] ...oh, damn.

[Stark falls from the sky and crashes hard into the desert]

Kevin Murphy: Ah, I take it back: Iron Man is dead, and I commend this movie for its unflinching honesty. After all, the mere donning of a metal suit would do little to protect someone from free-falling hundreds of feet... [We see Stark is fine] ...oh, what's the use?!

---

[Tony finishes his first successful test of his suit's rocket boots, which includes recording it on video]

Tony: Yeah, I can fly.

Kevin Murphy [as Tony]: Now to post this monumental video on Youtube so 12-year-olds can call me a gaywad!

. . .

[Next, as his first full suit makes all kinds of pre-flight adjustments...]

Mike Nelson: You know, if you pick up your TV right now and shake it like you're trying to erase an Etch A Sketch, you can then tell people you've seen Transformers.

---

[While Stark is testing his suit]

Tony Stark: Records are made to be broken!

Kevin Murphy: Yes, like the record for shortest interval between superhero origin and death.

---

[Stark looks at his original arc reactor, placed in a glass case by Pepper Potts with the label, "Proof that Tony Stark Has a Heart"]

Bill Corbett: He's terrified that "Proof that Tony Stark Had a Penis" is next in the series.

---

[Iron Man begins ridding the town of Gulmira of Ten Rings terrorists]

Bill Corbett [as Iron Man]: Give me a reason not to smite thee!

Kevin Murphy [as a civilian, off-camera]: I'm being held captive here against my will!

Bill Corbett [as Iron Man, while he destroys a missile launcher]: Can't hear you -- smiting!

The Happening (2008)

(the opening credits are being shown against a cloudy sky)

Kevin Murphy [singing]: The Happening!

Bill Corbett [singing]: Die... die, die, diedie... die, die, die deathdeathdeathdeath

---

Principal: They said to watch for warning signs. The first stage is confused speech.

Bill Corbett: ...and oysters and clowns love macramé.

---

Man in Small Town: If we stay here, we are gonna die here!

Bill Corbett: That's the town motto!

---

[Arriving in Princeton and seeing hoards of dead bodies, Julian tries to calm down a panicking woman in his car]

Julian: Just keep looking at me... I'm going to give you a math riddle, okay?

Mike Nelson: If you have five people with four bullets, no wait...

---

[A shot rings out off screen]

Mike Nelson: Well, Fredo's dead.

[A second shot]

Mike Nelson: ...and Old Yeller.

---

[The wind starts to blow ominously]

Mike Nelson: Yes. There's a cheap monster effect for you: The wind.

Kevin Murphy: (laughing) The only cheaper thing I could think of would be low humidity.

...

[The characters start running away from the wind]

Mike Nelson: Ah! The rented industrial fan just off camera is coming for us!

---

Kevin Murphy: (singing) The Summer Wind/Came blowing in/So I killed myself/It lingered there/So I took a hatpin from my hair/And plunged it into my jugular vein... Take it Mike!

Mike Nelson: (singing) I sliced my wrists/with some broken glass/And then I blew my head off too/Then I disemboweled myself/And hung myself with my own intestines thanks to the Summer Wind.

Bill Corbett: Very nice you guys, maybe a touch dark.

Kevin Murphy: Really? Which part?

---

[Elliot, Alma and Jess walk towards each other as the wind continues to blow.]

Kevin Murphy: All the grass blowing reminds me of "The Thin Red Line".

Mike Nelson: All the BLOWING reminds me that I'm watching an M.Night Shyamalan film.

---

[For the final scene, the movie transitions to Paris, where the wind phenomenon begins anew.]

Kevin Murphy: And now "The Happening 2: Even Happeningy-er Again".

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

Indy: You're not from around here, are you?

Spalko: Where is it you would imagine I am from, Dr. Jones?

Kevin Murphy: I'm guessing the Bullwinkle Show.

Indy: Well, the way you're sinking your teeth into those wubble-u's, I should think maybe Eastern Ukraine.

Mike Nelson: Hm, I was thinking Fake-istan.

---

[As Indy is in the fake idealized neighborhood about to be nuked]

Indy: Wait a minute...

Bill Corbett [as David Byrne]: This is not my beautiful house!

---

Man on P.A. [In the atomic bomb testing town]: All personnel, it is now one minute to zero time

Mike Nelson: Hammer time is still 33 years off.

---

[As Indy is being decontaminated following the nuclear blast he escaped in a previous scene]

Mike Nelson [as a person in a hazmat suit]: "Hey mom, I'm in a movie! I get to hold a pushbroom and scrub Harrison Ford's wang!"

---

[Dozens of small monkeys are crawling all over Spalko in a speeding car]

Bill Corbett: This is what Neil Gaiman feels like at Comic-Con.

---

[Indy finally utters a line seemingly used in every George Lucas movie...]

Indy: I've got a bad feeling about this...

Kevin Murphy: Finally! It's like hearing Billy Joel play "Piano Man" -- joyless for all parties involved, but demanded by an unseen power.

---

[In the movie's last scene, Mutt picks up Indy's hat and starts to put it on]

Mike Nelson: Harry Potter has the Sorting Hat -- this is the Sequel Set-up Hat!

X2: X-Men United (2003)

[After a fight with humans breaks out in a crowded food court, Professor X uses his powers to stop everyone's movements]

Mike Nelson: Look, if they start walking backward and stabbing themselves, I'm leaving.

---

[While Professor X visits Magneto's plastic prison cell, gas starts to filter into the room]

Magneto: The war has begun...

Mike Nelson [as Magneto]: I foresee it ending in disgrace under General Brett Ratner.

---

Logan: You got any beer?

Bobby: This is a school.

Mike Nelson [as Bobby]: Of course we do!

---

[Stryker, played by British actor Brian Cox, speaks in a drawl]

Stryker: I'm a scientist, Sgt. Lyman. When I build a machine, I want to make sure it's working.

Bill Corbett [as Stryker]: An' if Ah'm gonna use an Amayrican ack-sent Ah wanna make shoah tha' its Southern.

The Dark Knight (2008)

[The Joker's gang storms into a bank wearing clown masks]

Mike Nelson [as clown]: Give us all your money, and all our money that you got for the bailout!

---

[A bank manager opens fire on one of the robbers with a shotgun]

Kevin Murphy [as Manager]: Wait a minute... and he was robbing my bank? I thought he was just a clown!

---

[A bank robber in a clown mask begins emptying a vault]

Mike Nelson [as Clown]: [laughing maniacally] I'm going to buy the biggest, floppiest shoes the world has ever seen!

---

[Lieutenant Jim Gordon is standing beside an active Bat Signal]

Mike Nelson [as Gordon]: This thing was expensive, and it hasn't caught a single moth!

. . .

[Discussing Batman]

Detective Anna Ramirez: He hasn't shown up yet?

Jim Gordon: He often doesn't. I like reminding everyone that he's out there.

Ramirez: Why wouldn't he come?

Gordon: Hopefully...

Kevin Murphy [as Gordon]: He's mowing my lawn.

---

Harvey Dent: You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

Bill Corbett: [blows whistle] Foreshadowing penalty... Clumsy sentence seeding plot point makes no sense... fifteen yards, repeat third down!

---

[Hong Kong police officers rush into an office building]

Mike Nelson [as cop]: Shoot anything that moves and then blame the Communists!

---

Police Commissioner Loeb: Gordon, you're unlikely to discover this for yourself, so...

Mike Nelson [as Loeb]: I'm a woman, Gordon.

---

[Rachel Dawes gently deflects Harvey Dent's marriage proposal]

Harvey Dent: It's someone else, isn't it?

Rachel Dawes: Harvey...

Mike Nelson [as Dent]: A-ha! So it's some bastard named 'Harvey!'

. . .

[Bruce Wayne grabs Dent in a sleeperhold from behind]

Rachel Dawes: What are you doing?!

Bill Corbett [as Bruce]: He's mine, dammit!

---

[The Joker menaces guests at a party]

Elderly Gentleman: We're not intimidated by thugs!

Kevin Murphy [as elderly gentleman]: We lived through Giuliani!

---

The Joker (to Rachel): Do you know how I got these scars?

Kevin Murphy (as The Joker): I tried to kiss one of the Indigo Girls!

---

Commissioner Gordon: Harvey Dent never made it home.

The Joker: Of course not.

Commissioner Gordon: What have you done with him?

The Joker: [in mock innocence] Me?

Mike Nelson [as the Joker]: I haven't even masterminded a dump since I've been here.

---

[Batman violently assaults the Joker in the interrogation room to make him give up the locations of Dent and Rachel]

Batman: WHERE ARE THEY!?

The Riffers: [stifled giggling directed at Batman's raspy voice]

[He hits the Joker again]

Batman: WHERE ARE THEY!?

Bill Corbet [as Mel Gibson]: GIVE ME BACK MY SON!

[The Joker gets hit again]

Bill Corbet [as Harrison Ford]: GET OFF MY PLANE!

The Joker: [Unfazed] You have nothing, nothing to threaten me with.

Kevin Murphy: Except saying "WHERE ARE THEY!?".. again.

. . .

[Dent wakes up in a warehouse filled with explosives]

Kevin Murphy: You think he's wondering "WHERE AM I!?"

. . .

[Batman zooms across the freeway on his motorcycle]

Kevin Murphy: You think Batman ever gets lost on the road and has to ask OnStar "WHERE ARE THEY!?"

. . .

[The Joker walks up to Lau's cell]

Kevin Murphy: He managed to find the jailer's keys, but just a minute ago he was wondering "WHERE ARE THEY!?"

. . .

[During the credits]

Mike Nelson: I'd like to thank Kevin Murphy.

Kevin Murphy: WHERE AM I!?

Mike Nelson: And Bill Corbett.

Bill Corbett: WHERE IS KEVIN!?

---

Commissioner Gordon: Where is he (Harvey Dent)?

The Joker: What time is it?

Commissioner Gordon: What difference does that make?

The Joker: Depending on the time, he might be in one place or several.

Bill Corbett: He's Schrödinger's D.A.

---

Kevin Murphy: "Alfred, did you get mustard on m'Batsuit again? Wait a minute. There's pudding in the codpiece. What the hell have you been doing with this thing?"

---

The Joker: Do you want to know why I use a knife?

Mike Nelson [as the Joker]: Because soup tastes better when it's difficult.

---

[Mobster Sal Maroni is helped into a car]

Mike Nelson: Ah, the producers have acknowledged their mistake and Eric Roberts is being escorted out of the movie.

Bill Corbett: Scram!

---

[The Joker slides down on a pile of the money he stole]

Bill Corbett: He's the first non-duck to amass enough wealth to do that.

---

[Harvey Dent turns to face Gordon, revealing the disfigured half of his face to the audience]

Bill Corbett: HOLY MOTHER OF UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY!

...

Kevin Murphy: He's doing his Dick Cheney smile.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)

[Harry, after leaving his home with a suitcase, walks along a street at night]:

Mike Nelson: Before long, Harry's life had spiraled out of control. He was addicted to magic mushrooms, drinking Magic Hat beer and constantly playing Magic: The Gathering.

---

[Harry hears, then sees the Knight Bus appear from around a corner]

Kevin Murphy: Aw hell! We're gonna have to hop aboard for whimsy, aren't we?

Bill Corbett: 'Fraid so—better gird your loins for some wizardly hijinks!

Mike Nelson: [whispering] Ah, please don't say "loins"...

---

Kevin Murphy: Well, fewer shrunken human heads than the last time I took an actual city bus.

---

Kevin Murphy: So, when do we get to wizards killing each other off?

Bill Corbett: Next movie.

Kevin Murphy: Aw, crap.

---

Hermione: You know, the Egyptians used to worship cats.

Ron: Yeah, along with the dung beetle.

Mike Nelson: Dung beetles worshiped cats?

---

[A choir of children are singing a sinister choral adaptation of the witches' chant from Macbeth]

Choir: [singing] In the cauldron boil and bake...

Kevin Murphy: Ah good, it's the Hogwarts state champion Evil Children's Chorus.

Bill Corbett: [singing along] Good for breakfast or for treats/crunchy baby chicken feets!

Mike Nelson: Yet amazingly, they have a very active Young Life chapter at this school.

Kevin Murphy: [singing along] Worship Satan at your school/all your friends will think you're cool/teacher is a leprechaun/dance around with goat heads on!

Choir: [singing] Something wicked this way comes!

Bill Corbett: [a coda] Go to hell!

. . .

[The students are applauding Hagrid who has just been made Care of Magical Creatures teacher.]:

Bill Corbett [as Student]: We love him cause he constantly endangers us.

---

Mike Nelson [as a Dementor]: [singing] Evil, Evil, learn to be Evil/Evil is fun and doompa-dee-doo...

Kevin Murphy: Kinda mixed your Dementors with your Oompa-loompas there, Michael.

---

[Hermione grabs Ron's hand out of fear]

Mike Nelson: Hermione casts the "Give Ron a Boner" spell.

---

[Harry is in his bed reading something by the light of his wand at night]

Bill Corbett [as Harry]: Wow, everything in these Tolkien and C.S. Lewis books seems really familiar...

---

[Professor McGonagall is addressing a group of students who are about to go to Hogsmeade]

Professor McGonagall: Visits to Hogsmeade village are a privilege.

Bill Corbett [as McGonagall]: Just like toilet paper.

---

[Harry watches from the clock tower as the other students head for Hogsmeade.]

Bill Corbett: Ah, the clock tower. What better place for a troubled kid to blow off some steam?

---

[In the office of the batty Professor Trelawney, we see a cat]

Mike Nelson: Only one cat? Doesn't seem crazy enough.

Kevin Murphy: Well, she's married to it.

Mike Nelson: Ah, there you go.

---

[Hermione just punched Malfoy]

Hermione: That felt good.

Ron: Not good, brilliant!

Bill Corbett: Yes, truly a masterful work of genius. Compared to you, Goethe was a moron. Next to your punching Malfoy in the nose, Bach's cello suites are like a, a, a small pool of vomit!

Kevin Murphy: [laughing] That's brilliant.

---

[over a shot of Macnair, the hooded and axe-wielding executioner]

Mike Nelson: That's their school guidance counselor. Nice guy, great with kids. The execution gig is just part-time.

Bill Corbett: Yeah, my school executioner was also the wrestling coach and taught driver's ed.

Mike Nelson: And executed.

[Kevin laughs]

Bill Corbett: Yeah, great guy, though. Loved kids!

---

[Hermione tells Harry about Sirius and how he's about to be executed by Dementors.]

Hermione: They're going to suck out his soul.

[Dumbledore, who is a homosexual, walks in.]

Kevin Murphy [as Dumbledore]: Did somebody say "suck?"

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977)

[The series' famous opening scrawl begins]

Mike Nelson: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away a filmmaker said "I will create a character named Kit Fisto."

---

[The camera lingers on one of the blockade runner's older soldiers]

Bill Corbett: He's got that "three days from retirement" look about him.

. . .

[The stormtroopers blast through the rebel ship's defenders]

Kevin Murphy: Good guys dropping left and right, the stormtroopers don't know how to react. Nothing like this has ever happened before!

---

[A group of Jawas pick up a temporarily-deactivated R2-D2]

Mike Nelson [as Jawa]: Alright, so all in favor of worshipping it as our god? One, two, three, OK. And all in favor of taking it apart and hitting the pieces with a hammer? Also three. Oh, and all in favor of giving it to Jenkins' wife as a birthday present, because he forgot to get her anything else? Anyone besides Jenkins? OK, one vote for that option.

---

[Luke is cleaning up his two newly acquired droids]

C-3PO: And this is my counterpart, R2-D2.

Luke: [waves] Hello.

Kevin Murphy [as R2]: I stood next to your mother as she died.

---

Luke Skywalker: He knew my father in the Clone Wars?

Mike Nelson [as Uncle Owen]No! Now eat your fried Gungan!

---

Aunt Beru: Luke? Luke!

Mike Nelson [as Beru]: Just wanted to make sure you weren't turning evil, not that anyone you're related to has a habit of doing that!

---

[A sand person hops on to a bantha to begin (slowly) pursuing Luke]

Mike Nelson: And they spring into action on their...lumbering...sloth-like beasts— you wanna get off and walk, Jerry?

---

[Luke and Obi-wan are putting C-3PO back together after their fateful encounter with Sand People]

C-3PO: I must've taken a bad step.

Kevin Murphy: ...into a Sand Person's fist.

---

[At a meeting of Imperial officers on board the Death Star]

Darth Vader: The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.

Kevin Murphy: [sarcastically] Oh yeah, planet destruction is nothing compared to, you know, moving junk around with your mind.

---

[The Millenium Falcon prepares to come out of light speed near (what used to be) Alderaan]

Han: Atta boy, Chewie, here we go. I'm cutting the sub-light engine.

Mike Nelson [as Han]: You guys may have to get out and push.

---

Porkins: I've got a problem here!

Mike Nelson[as Porkins]: My name is Porkins!

---

Unnamed Pilot 1: Stay on target!

Unnamed Pilot 2: Were too close!

Unamed Pilot 1: Stay on target!

Bill Corbet: But my foot hurts!

Kevin Murphy: Stay on target!

Bill Corbett: But it's going to rain on Monday!

Kevin Murphy: Stay on Target!

Bill Corbett: I exploded!

Kevin Murphy: Stay on Target!

---

[Obi-wan's voice famously speaks to Luke while he's flying down the Death Star trench]

Voice of Obi-wan: Luke, trust me.

Mike Nelson [as Obi-wan]: And when you're done with this, I'll need you to shoot the President. Just trust me.

Kevin Murphy: [Laughs]

. . .

Luke: [upon being asked if something's wrong] Nothing—I'm all right.

Kevin Murphy [as Luke]: I'm just listening to one of the many voices that command me to do things.

Bill Corbett [as Luke]: Some are dogs.

Jaws (1975)

[Cut to teen, passed out on the beach]

Bill Corbett: Meanwhile, McConaughey naps.

---

[Hooper has finished examining the first shark victim]

Hooper: Well, this is not a boat accident! And it wasn't any propeller, it wasn't any coral reef and it wasn't Jack the Ripper!!

Mike Nelson: So, was it a boating accident?

Hooper: It was a shark!

Bill Corbett: One that was on a BOAT, right?

---

[Sheriff Brody is running across the beach, with a crowd following behind him.]

Bill Corbett: Let's get that lousy sheriff!

Mike Nelson: Tar and feather him!

---

[Cut to a crowd, with a black teen up front]

Mike Nelson: A young Barack Obama is concerned.

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

[Luke Skywalker, trapped in a Wampa's cave, tries to reach for his lightsaber]

Chad Vader: He should use the uh, whatchya' call it, the thing people like him use...

Kevin Murphy: Use "The Force"?

Chad Vader: No, that's not it. Use the...suicide pill! That's what I was thinking.

---

Han: Then I'll see you in Hell!

Mike Nelson: LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOY JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNKINS!!!

---

[As Luke is wandering around in the snow]

Bill Corbett: See? You guys laugh at it now, but if he had a snuggie, this wouldn't be such a problem.

Mike Nelson: That's still no excuse for you to wear yours in the recording booth. You either!

Chad Vader: But it keeps me cozy warm, and it makes me feel very secure. I need to feel secure.

---

[As Luke is laying in the snow slowly freezing to death]

Mike Nelson: Huh, looks like Wild finally beat Man...

. . .

[Upon learning of Luke's new mission to find Yoda on the Dagobah system]

Kevin Murphy: Yeah, you know I installed the Dagobah System on my Mac last week and it kept giving me this weird error message like "Error critical you have. Reinstall program you must."

---

[After Han implies that Leia doesn't want to see him go]

Leia: I don't know where you get your delusions, laser brain.

[Chewbacca snickers]

Kevin Murphy [as Chewie]: Rowr! Pwned!

Han: Laugh it up, fuzz ball!

Mike Nelson [as Chewie]: Will do, skin tube!

---

[As Luke is climbing down into the Dark Side Cave on Dagobah]

Mike Nelson [as Luke, sarcastically muttering to himself]: Before you can go into the mystery cave we've gotta run six miles, do a bunch of flips, climb up a vine and then where's the mystery cave? Right back where we started!

Kevin Murphy [as Yoda]: Hey Luke! Could you get my frisbee while you're down there?

Mike Nelson [as Luke]: No problem, Yoda! [Now muttering again] [I'll] get your frisbee. [I'll] get your frisbee and I'll shove it up your [Yells again] Hey what color is it?

Kevin Murphy [as Yoda]: Red!

Mike Nelson [as Luke, muttering]: Stupid red frisbee. Doesn't even play with it. Doesn't have a --

Kevin Murphy [as Yoda]: No wait -- it was blue!

Mike Nelson [as Luke, still muttering]: Stupid blue frisbee. How far could he even throw a frisbee? I don't know how --

Kevin Murphy [as Yoda]: Nevermind, I found it!

---

[Luke decapitates the Darth Vader vision in the Dark Side Cave]

Chad Vader: No! No!

Mike Nelson: Oh, boy.

Kevin Murphy: Here we go.

Chad Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Bill Corbett: Yep. Didn't see that one coming.

Chad Vader: He had such a short life. There were so many more planets to destroy. So many more people to strangle.

Kevin Murphy: So many more anonymous partners to meet in caves.

[The helmet of the Vader vision explodes, revealing Luke's face underneath]

Chad Vader: Huh? What the hell?

Kevin Murphy: You see, Chad? The battle was just a symbolic representation of how anger and hate lead to the dark side of the Force, that's what it was.

Chad Vader: Ah, I see. That whole emotional outburst was a little embarrassing, wasn't it?

Bill Corbett: Yeah, embarrassing for all of us.

Chad Vader: Can we edit that part out?

Mike Nelson: No. No, we can't.

Chad Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Mike Nelson: Oh, will you give it a rest?!

---

[While the Millenium Falcon hides from a Star Destroyer's scanners by attaching itself directly to it]

C-3PO: Captain Solo, this time you have gone too far!

Mike Nelson [as 3PO]: Put your pants back on!

---

[C-3PO encounters a robot of a similar make as him]

C-3PO: Oh! It's good to see a familiar face.

Robot: Ee-chutah!

C-3PO: How rude!

Mike Nelson: "Ee-chutah" means "Do your Stephanie Tanner impression."

---

[Our heroes are surrounded by Stormtroopers]

Bill Corbett: Careful, they might miss at you.

---

Darth Vader: Perhaps you think you're being treated unfairly?

Chad Vader [as Darth]: Perhaps someone is cranky because they didn't take their nappy?

---

[When Luke finds out the truth about Vader]

Luke: NO! NO!

Chad Vader: Hey, that's my line! And it's not "NO! NO!" It's just "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Twilight (2008)

[repeated line]

Mike, Bill or Kevin [as Bella]: Line?

---

[repeated line]

Kevin Murphy [as various characters]: Whoa! Two dogs doing it!

---

[Summit Entertainment's name appears in the opening credits]

Bill Corbett: Summit Entertainment presents an inexplicable cultural phenomenon.

---

Bella: And...this will be a good thing...

Mike Nelson: ...like Hot Topic!

Bella: I think...

Mike Nelson: But what do I know? I'm just your typically abnormally confident, world-weary 16-year-old female protagonist, teehee!

---

[Edward enters the cafeteria in slow motion]

Bill Corbett [as Edward]: L-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-ladies.

---

[After another awkward exchange between Bella and Edward]

Mike Nelson: [booming sarcasm] The silver screen cannot contain the heated passion of Twilight!

---

[On Edward staring at Bella]

Mike Nelson: That look is from the "guy-you-alert-the-flight-attendant-about" collection.

. . .

[Mike and the guys all react with terror at a weird look Edward shoots at Bella]

Mike Nelson: That look from the "guy-in-car-peeping-in-on-yoga-class-through-binoculars" collection.

---

[A male student motions for Bella to join their group hanging out outside of school]

Mike Nelson [as student]: Come liven up our discussion with your bubbly personality!

[Bella shows him a book she'd rather read instead]

Kevin Murphy [as Bella]: Can't socialize; obsessed with crappy book series.

---

[Edward giving Bella a creepy stare during their biology class]

Kevin Murphy [as Edward]: You don't know a damn thing about planaria, do you?!

---

[Bella slips on the ice.]

Bill Corbett: Damn, Macaulay Culkin! Iced our steps again!

---

[Edward stammers, then abruptly leaves a conversation with Bella]

Kevin Murphy: He combines the composure of George Costanza with the suaveness of David Schwimmer—girls love it!

---

[during the restaurant scene]

Edward: I can read every mind in this room . . . apart from yours.

Mike Nelson: And the guy in the corner wearing the tinfoil hat.

. . .

[Edward points out what other restaurant patrons are thinking about]

Edward: Sex. Money. Sex. Cat.

Bill Corbett: Cat sex.

Edward: And then you . . . nothing.

Kevin Murphy: No, no, you can read it. There just isn't anything.

---

[Edward shows himself to Bella in the sunlight for the first time]

Edward: This is what I am.

Bill Corbett [as Edward]: ...an off-brand version of Johnny Depp wearing body glitter!

---

Edward: We think of ourselves as vegetarians. It means we only survive on the blood of animals.

Mike Nelson: Ah, so your family's confused or stupid.

---

[Alice comes in through the window, followed by the taciturn, fluff-haired and nervous-looking Jasper]

Kevin Murphy [as Jasper]: I'M HARPO!

Alice: Hi Bella!

[Walks up to Bella and hugs her]

Bill Corbett [as Jasper, through gritted teeth]: I'm Harpo!

Alice: Oh, you do smell good.

Edward: Alice, what are you-?

Alice: It's okay. Bella and I are going to be great friends.

Bill Corbett [as Alice]: But Harpo wants to eat your marrow.

---

[Rosalie gets angry when Bella says she already ate dinner]

Bella [stammering]: It's just . . . because I know you – I know you guys don't . . .

Bill Corbett [as Bella]: I-it's like, you guys, I'm, I'm, like, so, like, I'm, like, wow, you know?

[Kevin laughs]

---

[Edward leads Bella into his bedroom]

Mike Nelson [as Edward]: Do you like Legos? Cuz I got tons of Legos. I got Lego Star Wars and the Power Miners and like a bajillion Bionicles too . . .

---

[Edward plays a song on the piano for Bella]

Kevin Murphy: This is a ballad that I wrote just for you.

I want to chomp into your throat

And watch you bleed out on the floor

Then I'll bathe myself in your life essence as you die

Tear your heart out of your chest

and crack the bones

and suck the marrow out.

Slice into your brain for sandwiches

and maybe have an omelet made of--

[Mike and Bill yell at Kevin to stop]

---

[Twilight author Stephenie Meyer makes a brief cameo during a scene in a diner]

Kevin Murphy: Ladies and gentlemen, Filth E. Rich.

---

[The Cullens close ranks before a fight with other vampires ensues]

Edward [to Bella]: Just be quiet and stand behind me.

Kevin Murphy: Ah, she'll be hearing that for many years to come!

---

Mike Nelson: I'm weakening, guys. I mean, Suddenly I feel very invested in their love. It's, it's my love too. Them succeeding despite all odds means I succeed despite all odds.

[The scene cuts to a forest]

Mike Nelson: Look, beautiful trees, as beautiful as the love of Edward and Bella and me and their beauty...

[THUD]

Mike Nelson: Ow! You hit me with a phone book!

Kevin Murphy: Yup.

---

Bella: Sure. I can keep a secret.

Bill Corbett: Unlike that guy who stole the secrets to the Crystal Skull. Damn him. He ruined it. He ruined it! I'm glad he's in jail. Glad! I tell you...

Kevin Murphy: What difference does it make? That Crystal Skull was terrible.

Bill Corbett: Oh, right. Right. Free the Crystal Skull guy! FREE THE CRYSTAL SKULL GUY!

Mike Nelson: Okay, okay.

---

[while Bella researches vampires, the camera zooms in to words such as "strength", "speed", "cold skin", and so on]

Mike Nelson: I suppose next it's going to zoom in on the words "very delicate" and "arms like pipe cleaners"...

Bill Corbett: Make terrible lab partners. Look down and mumble a lot.

Kevin Murphy: Give the impression they wouldn't know how to throw a football...

Mike Nelson: Their counting of items is often followed by thunder and lightning.

Kevin Murphy: Endorse chocolate marshmallow breakfast cereals...

Casablanca (1942)

[Right before the camera pans up to Rick Blaine, played by Humphrey Bogart]

Bill Corbett: Ah, an iconic movie character is about to be introduced!

Kevin Murphy: Jar Jar Binks?

Bill Corbett: Go to so much hell it's not even funny, Kevin.

[Pans up to Blaine smoking a cigarette]

Mike Nelson: Hey, don't "bogart" that cigarette.

Bill Corbett: Mike, go join Kevin in hell!

Mike Nelson: Will do.

---

Signor Ferrari: Not more than 50 francs, sir!

Bill Corbett: He's tellin' that guy how many hot dogs he ate for breakfast!

---

Rick Blaine: Here's lookin' at you, kid.

Mike Nelson: The 1940's equivalent of "Git-R-Done."

The Room (2003)

[Over establishing shots of a park, townhouses and a streetcar]

Kevin Murphy [singing]: Everywhere you look! Everywhere, there's a heart! A hand to hold onto!

---

[Lisa descends a staircase, wearing her new dress]

Johnny: Wow, you look so sexy, Lisa!

Bill Corbett: Yeah, she really nails the "bloated corpse of Britney Spears" look.

---

[Denny jumps onto a bed between Johnny and Lisa]

Denny: I just like to watch you guys.

Bill [as Denny]: I'm trying to go blind.

---

[Johnny gets out of bed, treating the camera to a shot of his naked butt; the guys react disgustedly]

Kevin: Disconnect!

[ZAP]

Kevin: Disconnect!

[ZAP]

Kevin: Disconnect!

---

[following the flower shop scene]

Mike: The less-favorite customers proceeded to tear her store apart in a jealous riot.

Kevin: Doggy was killed in the melee!

---

[Johnny comes home; Lisa puts down a book and goes to greet him]

Mike: Aww, they want us to believe she was reading.

. . .

[Johnny gives a dozen roses to Lisa]

Lisa: Thanks, honey, they're beautiful.

Bill [as Lisa]: I watched six hours of Supermarket Sweep today!

---

Lisa: I still love you.

Johnny: You're the only one who does.

Kevin [as if he's shouting through a window]: I love you!

Bill: Shut up, Denny.

---

[The character Mike feeds chocolates to his girlfriend, Michelle]

Michelle [seductively]: Feed me.

Kevin [as Michelle]: Bring me to an Old Country Buffet and feed me!

---

[Denny has just told Johnny that he thinks he's in love with Lisa]

Johnny: Denny . . .

Mike, Bill and Kevin [in unison with Johnny]: Don't worry about it.

Mike: Right.

Johnny: Lisa loves you, too. As a person. As a human being. As a friend.

Kevin [as Johnny]: As an elf. As a rat terrier.

Bill [as Johnny]: As a mailbox. As a hair scrunchie.

Johnny: You know, people don't have to say it. They can feel it.

Denny: What do you mean?

Mike [as Johnny]: I guess what I'm really saying is: Oh hai, Denny.

---

[Johnny puts his arm around Denny and leads him off the roof]

Johnny: Let's go eat, huuuhhh? Come on, let's go.

Mike: That's exactly how I asked for Bridget's hand. "Let's go get married, huuuhhh?"

---

[Johnny walks down the sidewalk in front of his building]

Bill [as Johnny]: Oh hai, sidewalk.

[Johnny picks up a rolled-up newspaper]

Bill [as Johnny]: Oh hai, newspaper.

[Johnny enters the building]

Bill [as Johnny]: Oh hai, entrance.

---

[Michelle turns back to Lisa before exiting the apartment]

Michelle: Lisa, remember what I told you.

Mike: Just lie back and think of England.

---

Johnny: You are lying! I never hit you! YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, LISA!

[the guys burst into applause and murmurs of approval]

---

[Johnny attaches a tape recorder to the answering machine.]

Bill: Look at the concentration in that face. You can almost hear his mind working, saying "Oh hai, answering machine!"

---

[On Peter the psychologist]

Kevin: Karl Rove Jr.!

. . .

Bill Corbett: Wait, I thought his face melted at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

---

[Peter walks on to the roof. The position of the camera is nearly identical to how it was during Johnny's earlier "I did not hit her" monologue]

Kevin [as Peter] (monotone): I did not hit her. It's not true. It's bullshit. I did not hit her. I did not.

Peter: Hey, Mark.

---

[an establishing shot of the Ferry Building.]

Bill [as Johnny]: Oh hai, Embarcadero. Did I tell you I love Lisa so much? She's so beautiful and sexy.

Kevin: He's just getting back from having his hair restrung and his suit enlumpened.

---

Birthday guests (singing): Happy birthday, dear Johnny . . .

Kevin (singing): We just came for the shrimp!

---

[Johnny enters the darkened apartment]

Kevin [as Johnny]: Oh hai, darkness.

---

[Steven and Michelle lecture Lisa]

Steven: I feel like I'm sitting on an atomic bomb, waiting for it to go off.

Michelle: Me too!

Mike: Millions could die, Lisa!

. . .

Michelle: Lisa, we're not worried about you. We're worried about Johnny.

Bill [as Michelle]: You can roast in hell!

---

Johnny: It's not over! Everybody betray me! I fed up with this world!

Kevin [as Johnny]: I'm going back to Brazilaromanislovakia . . . stan!

---

[As Johnny is trashing the apartment]

Kevin: The room! He tearing it apaaaaaart!

. . .

[Johnny lifts the TV and throws it out the window]

Mike: In his enraged state, he's able to lift the 65-pound CRT TV as if it were a hollow prop of some sort!

. . .

[Johnny throws something at a mirror, shattering it.]

Kevin [as Johnny]: I hate you, guy who looks like me!

---

[Johnny places the barrel of a loaded handgun in his mouth.]

Bill [as a muffled Johnny]: Oh hai, gun barrel.

---

[As Lisa, Mark and Denny cry over Johnny's bloody corpse]

Mike [as Johnny]: Oh hai, Mark. Hai, Denny. Hai, Lisa. I'm dead, you know. Ha ha ha. Now that everybody betray me, I'm gonna come back and haunt you, OK? Maybe float above you while you sleep or shower. OK, bye-bye, doggy.

---

[closing credits]

Bill [as Johnny]: Oh hai, Mike.

Kevin [as Johnny]: Oh hai, Bill.

Mike: OK, enough already. Join us again at RiffTrax.com!

Kevin [as Johnny]: Oh hai, RiffTrax.

Red Dawn (1984)

[A dying Russian soldier tries to radio for help]

Russian Soldier: (translated to English) God help me! God help me!

Joel McHale: Oh, NOW you believe in God!

Mike Nelson: Yeah, who's the "opiate of the masses" now?!

Fast and Furious (2009)

[Vin Diesel scours a club while modern dance plays in the background]

Kevin Murphy: [rapping] We got Vin for the win in the Girl Pile/Slappin' Vinnie in the head Benny Hill-style/A bit later/Ya gonna date 'er/And maybe get lil' on the elevator/Vin's a high-speed tough-guy loner/Gonna go and shoot the club owner/He's tryin' hard to fight off a boner/Gonna drink a lil' warm Corona—

Mike Nelson: Kevin!

Kevin Murphy: Yes, Mike.

Mike Nelson: Here's a hundred dollars. Never attempt to rap again.

Kevin Murphy: Oh, it's a deal, thanks!

---

[A thug threatens the main characters with a gun, and another thug stops him]

Bill Corbett: [in Mexican accent] Not yet, we haven't reached the Act II plot point. We're still in Rising Action, man. Did you read that Syd Field book I gave you?

The Matrix: Revolutions (2003)

[As the camera pans to The Oracle, now played by a different actress than in the first two movies]

Mike Nelson: Lets Get Ready to Retcoooooooon!

---

Kevin Murphy: Man, Obama really changed his tune on hope.

Mike Nelson: He is NOT Obama!

---

[Humanity has won the war.]

Morpheus: I've dreamed of this day...for so long.

Mike Nelson: What a (bleep)ing letdown!

---

Mike Nelson: Remember guys, these movies are... philosophical.

Bill Corbet: Yeah, I do feel my own mind drifting through thoughts of Socrates - in that I want to drink hemlock and die.

---

Mifune: All right! This is it! Now you all know me, so I'm gonna say this as simply as I can.

Kevin Murphy: Do good fighting!

---

[As the squid-like machines attack the humans]

Bill Corbet: Just be glad those tentacled things aren't Japanese.

Kevin Murphy: Why's that?

Bill Corbet: Google and weep.

---

[After Neo and Trinity crash into the machine city]

Kevin Murphy [as Neo]: Unconscious "woah"!

Dragon Wars: D-War (2007)

Mike Nelson: So just to be sure I'm clear, which Korea is an oppressive military dictatorship, part of the Axis of Evil, induced famine on millions of its own citizens and has a saber rattling nuclear program?

Kevin Murphy: That'd be North Korea.

Mike Nelson: And which one made Dragon Wars?

Kevin Murphy: That would be South Korea.

Mike Nelson: South Korea can go to hell.

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

[The Fallen picks up a flailing caveman hunter]

Mike Nelson: Bet that guy wishes he'd gone out with the gatherers today.

---

[Ironhide drives towards the camera with a GM logo on its grill]

Bill Corbett: General Motors would like to remind its many former employees not to think about how much this product placement cost.

---

[On Mudflap and Skids]

Mike Nelson: [sarcastically] Oh good -- twin mechanical Jar Jars.

---

[A chihuahua is shown humping a pug]

Bill Corbett [singing]: What can hump your dog?

Mike Nelson and Kevin Murphy: Chihuahua!

. . .

[Later, the same chihuahua is shown humping the same pug]

Mike Nelson: The hump count soars to two!

Kevin Murphy: So the pug represents the movie-goer and the chihuahua symbolizes Transformers 2.

---

[Sam's mother has gotten high on pot brownies and has started slurringly greeting other college students]

Mike Nelson: So, she got the kind of pot brownie that A) works instantly and B) gets you drunk.

---

[In a closeup, we see that Bumblebee has very human looking eyes]

Bill Corbett: Where did Bumblebee get human eyes?

Mike Nelson: From a drifter.

---

[In a now infamous moment, Seymour Simmons climbs the Great Pyramid as a Decepticon's highly suggestive wrecking balls clang together in the background]

Seymour Simmons: I am directly beneath the enemy scrotum.

Bill Corbett: Okay, somebody won a bet there. "Dude, put the line 'I'm directly beneath the enemy scrotum' into this movie. If it still makes money, I'll pay for a weekend in Vegas."

Titanic (1998)

Lizzy Calvert [referring to a photograph of the younger Rose]: You're sure this is you, Nana?

Elderly Rose: It is me, dear. Wasn't I a dish?

Mike Nelson [as elderly Rose]: Now I'm a bag!

---

[Cal exits the taxi with a huge grin]

Mike Nelson [as Cal]: The Zane train has arrived, ladies!

---

[as Rose, Ruth, and Cal admire the Titanic]

Ruth DeWitt Bukater: So this is the ship they say is unsinkable.

Cal Hockley: It is unsinkable. God Himself could not sink this ship.

[a deckhand calls for Cal]

Deckhand: Sir! Sir!

Bill Corbett [as Deckhand]: Sir, the captain has asked if you would please stop foreshadowing!

---

[Jack and Fabrizio narrowly succeed in boarding the Titanic]

Jack Dawson: We're the luckiest sons of bitches in the world, you know that?!

Bill Corbett: Aw, man, [James] Cameron's beyond foreshadowing now. He is five-shadowing!

---

[Rose is unpacking painting for her room]

Maid: What's the artist's name?

Rose DeWitt Bukater: Something Picasso...

Kevin Murphy: Milt Picasso, I think.

Cal Hockley: Something Picasso, he won't amount to a thing. He won't, trust me.

Mike [as Cal]: Good Lord, well I'm certainly short-sighted and wrong about everything, aren't I? Now hand me those shares of AT&T, I'd like to blow my nose on them.

---

[Jack and Fabrizio are playing cards]

Jack: Two pair. I'm sorry, Fabrizio.

[Fabrizio responds in Italian]

Bill Corbett [in an Italian accent]: Pasta mafia minestrone!

Jack: You're not gonna see your mama again for a long time.

[Fabrizio responds in Italian]

Bill Corbett [in an Italian accent]: Mafia rigatoni?

Jack: We're going to America! Full house, boys!

Fabrizio: I go to America!

Bill Corbett [in an Italian accent]: Monica Bellucci!

Kevin Murphy: OK, Bill.

. . .

[Fabrizio yells at Jack as they run toward the ship]

Bill Corbett [in an Italian accent]: Carmela Soprano pasta!

Kevin Murphy: We get it, Bill. He's Italian. Thank you.

. . .

[Fabrizio and Jack wave on the deck of the ship]

Fabrizio: Goodbye! I will never forget you!

Bill Corbett [in an Italian accent]: Francesco Rinaldi!

Kevin Murphy: I said we get it.

Bill Corbett [in an Italian accent]: That's a spicy-a meatball!

Kevin Murphy: Will you just stop?

Bill Corbett [in an Italian accent]: Sexy time a-high five, is nice!

Kevin Murphy: Hey, that's Borat!

---

[Capt. Edward John Smith stands on deck with an extremely proud smile]

Kevin Murphy [as Capt. Smith]: I'm going to sink this bitch.

---

[Jack is convincing Rose not to throw herself of the ship's stern by explaining the cold water beneath through his own experience of falling through thin ice]

Jack Dawson: Water that cold, like right down there. It hits you like a thousand knives, stabbing you all over your body.

Kevin Murphy: So it's like being married to O.J. Simpson.

---

Rose DeWitt Bukater: May I introduce Jack Dawson?

[Bill imitates a snake as Ruth, wearing an elaborate flowered hat, glares at Jack]

Mike Nelson [as Ruth, to Rose]: Where is your head cake?

---

[Jack paces in front of the grand staircase as well-dressed passengers walk by]

Bill Corbett: All the cream of society is there. Mr. and Mrs. T, heirs to the Bloody Mary fortune...

Kevin Murphy: Mmm, yes, and I think I spy Lord and Lady Gaga.

Bill Corbett [in a posh voice]: Mmm, how is Madam's poker face tonight?

---

[Rose descends the staircase, wearing bright red lipstick]

Mike Nelson: Madam, your lip gloss be poppin', your lip gloss is cool.

[Jack kisses Rose's hand upon meeting up with her]

Jack Dawson: I saw that in the nickelodeon once and I always wanted to do it.

Bill Corbett [as Jack]: Then they dumped a bunch of Gak on me.

---

Rose DeWitt Bukater: That's John Jacob Astor, the richest man on the ship.

Kevin Murphy [as Rose]: His mother was a Jingleheimer-Schmidt.

---

Jack Dawson: Rose, you're no picnic.

Kevin Murphy [as Jack]: You cannot be eaten in the park.

Jack Dawson: Alright? You're a spoiled little brat even. But under that, you're the most amazingly... astoundingly... wonderful girl...

Mike Nelson: This is almost like Shakespeare. ...never existed and instead we got the lady who wrote Twilight.

---

[at the romantic with scene Jack and Rose on the railing of the bow]

Kevin Murphy: Just look at 'em. Their hearts are going the hell on!

Bill Corbett: In fact, their hearts are unstoppable. Gone mad with power. Grown to six hundred times their original size! Able to destroy whole cities! Heading towards New York and bent on destruction of human kind!

Mike Nelson: Uh, you're thinking of Cloverfield.

Bill Corbett: Oh, oh yeah, of course I am. I'm always confusing their hearts with the... Cloverfield monster.

Kevin Murphy: I can see how you do that.

Mike Nelson: Very easy.

---

[Jack is astounded by Rose's nude form]

Mike Nelson: So much for his plans on doing this drawing in soft lead.

Kevin Murphy: He must be inspired. His instrument is taking on a life of its own.

Bill Corbett: Yeah, yeah, yeah. The attractive girl is nude and he is subsequently aroused.

Mike Nelson: Uh...

Bill Corbett: Yeah, I know, nevermind.

. . .

[as Rose lies on the couch, the camera closes up on her eye as it dissolves to her in the present. the guys react disgustedly]

Mike Nelson [as elderly Rose]: He drew me for seventy years.

---

Ruth DeWitt Bukater [to a maid]: Go back and turn the heaters on in our rooms. I'd like a cup of tea when I return.

Kevin Murphy [as Ruth]: And I'd like a stupider hat, made of string cheese and shaped like a badger.

---

[the crewmen are telling the passengers to put on their life jackets, though they are constantly referring to them as "life belts"]

Bill Corbett: Hey, hey, what should we call this big, floating, vest-like object that you wear like a vest to save your life?

Kevin Murphy: Let's see, how about a "life..."

Bill Corbett: Yeah...?

Kevin Murphy: "Belt!" A "life belt!"

Bill Corbett: Perfect!

. . .

[as life boats are being lowered]

Kevin Murphy: And what do you call those boats that are used to save a person's life?

Bill Corbett: Strangely, you call those "life vests."

---

[As the boat splits in half, several passengers hang on to a priest's robes]

Mike Nelson: Do John 3:16!

Kevin Murphy: Second Corinthians!

Bill Corbett: "Free Bird!"

---

[Cal, in a fit of jealous rage, starts chasing and shooting at Jack and Rose with Lovejoy's gun]

Kevin Murphy: Yeah, you think this is implausible, wait til they get to the car chase.

. . .

[Jack and Rose get away just as Cal runs out of bullets after eight shots]

Kevin Murphy [as Cal]: Dammit! I thought these things were supposed to hold a lot more bullets in the movies!

---

[as Jack and Rose are outrunning a wave of water in slow motion]

Bill Corbett: Come on, they expect us to believe that they can outrun the wall of water? Maybe if it were a fireball or a flying CGI creature of some sorts, but look at it. It's moving pretty fast.

[the water catches up to them]

Mike Nelson: Ah. Happy, Bill?

Bill Corbett: I am. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna walk away from something in slow motion and toss a cigarette butt over my shoulder as it explodes.

---

[as Jack and Rose are fighting the current in a hallway]

Bill Corbett: If they were dressed up in, say, lobster costumes, this would make a great Japanese game show.

---

[as Cal exits the ballroom area, he runs into a mob of people fighting to get on a lifeboat]

Kevin Murphy: To top it all off, there's a run on the Bailey Building and Loan.

Mike Nelson: Bad day keeps gettin' worse.

---

[the string quartet plays on as the ship sinks]

Bill Corbett [as a musician]: Thank you, thank you! Now for the kids, from The Little Mermaid: "Under The Sea!"

---

[as the last of the ship goes under with Jack and Rose on the top of it]

Kevin Murphy: I'm not going to lie, I totally saw that coming.

---

[as Jack is freezing in the ocean, promising Rose that she won't die]

Jack Dawson: You must do me this honor.

Bill Corbett [as Jack]: Start an online petition to bring back Darkwing Duck.

Jack Dawson: You must promise me that you will survive.

Mike Nelson [as Jack]: At first, you may be afraid, even petrified.

---

[elderly Rose finishes her story]

Mike Nelson [as Rose]: And that's the story of how Deputy Dog saved Christmas. I mean, the Titanic.

---

Rose Dawson Calvert: [...] But now you know there was a man named Jack Dawson, and that he saved me. In every way that a person can be saved.

Mike Nelson: Every way? Did he save you from a pack of jackals?

---

[Jack and Rose reunite on the Titanic in the film's ambiguous final scene, as all those looking applaud]

Kevin Murphy: Oh, can it please cut to an irritated Billy Zane looking around and then begrudgingly joining in a slow clap? Huh? No?

Star Trek (2009)

[After Spock tells the Vulcan Science Academy to "Live long and Prosper", Funk music starts playing.]

Kevin Murphy:(singing) Oh, yeah, give me some of that funky Spock, y'all. He's the Vulcan that was born to rock y'all. Playin' harp and a crunking on the tranya. Don't let him go all Pon Farr on ya!

Mike Nelson and Bill Corbett: Funky Spock!

Kevin Murphy:What?

Mike Nelson and Bill Corbett: Funky Spock!

Kevin Murphy: Say what?

Mike Nelson and Bill Corbett: Gimme some of that Funky Spock!

Kevin Murphy: Well oh well freaking on the Funky Spooooooock!

Bill Corbett: Funky Spock!

Kevin Murphy: Good lord!

---

Captain Christopher Pike: You know, your father was captain of a starship for twelve minutes. He saved over eight hundred lives, including your mother's. And yours. I dare you to do better.

Kevin Murphy: (as Pike) I've endangered eight hundred and one lives. You have eleven minutes to save them.

---

Lt. Hikaru Sulu (played by John Cho): I'm Hikaru Sulu

Mike Nelson (doing a pitch-perfect George Takei impression): No you're not.

Drag Me to Hell (2009)

[as the opening credits roll, the audience is treated to violin music]

Bill Corbett (with a southern accent): Yep, welcome to Hell. Don't mind the fiddlin', that'll be the Devil practicin' his licks. He just went down to Georgia, y'see, he got schooled pretty good.

Mike Nelson: I hope he has sufficiently rosined up his bow.

---

Christine Brown: Mr. Jacks?

Jim Jacks: Yes?

Bill Corbett: May I call you "Apple?"

---

[Christine has just been informed that she can give away her cursed object to remove the curse from her]

Christine Brown: Why didn't you tell me this before?!

Rahm Jas: Because the Lamia will tear the soul out of whoever you give that to, and burn in Hell for eternity.

Mike Nelson: So choose someone who's going anyway, like Michael Bay.

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (1983)

[The opening scrawl of text goes up for the last time]

Mike Nelson: Yes, Episode Six, a.k.a. the one you thought was the worst Star Wars episode until you got proved severely wrong 16 years later, and again 19 years later...and again 22 years later...and again 25 years later.

---

[As Darth Vader's ship lands inside of the Death Star]

Mike Nelson: Security is tight after a terrorist tried to smuggle some sand on board. Turned out to just be a dude returning from the beach.

Bill Corbett: And now he's dead.

---

[In Jabba's palace, the bounty hunter has made a counter-offer for Chewbacca]

C-3PO: Fifty thousand, no less.

Mike Nelson: [As Jabba while knocking down C-3PO] Do I look like I'm MADE of money?!

Kevin Murphy: [As someone in crowd] No, you look like you're made of expired Crisco!

Mike Nelson: [As Jabba] Who said that?!?!

---

[In a segue from one scene to another, a creature outside Jabba's palace eats a smaller creature, then belches]

Bill Corbett: [sarcastically] Thank you, George, that really moved the story along nicely.

---

[As Han is taken away by Jabba's henchmen]

Han: Jabba, I'll pay you triple! You're throwing away a fortune here, don't be a fool!

Bill Corbett: [as Han] I've got stock options, Jabba! STOCK OPTIONS!!

---

[Leia is shown in her famous slave costume for the first time]

Bill Corbett: And there we have it: the costume that makes attending Comic-Con bearable.

Kevin Murphy: And in a few outlying cases much, much worse.

Bill Corbett: Oh, you saw that guy too?

---

[The First Guard falls into the Sarlacc pit]

Mike Nelson [as Guard]: Tell Jar Jar I hate him!

---

[As a biker scout falls off his speeder bike and hits a tree hard]

Kevin Murphy: (As the biker scout) Meant to do that!

---

[Leia and Wicket are in the forest when Wicket smells something]

Mike Nelson: And they encounter Porkins the White.

---

[As Luke, Han and the others are tied up and readied for sacrifice by the Ewoks]

Luke: Threepio...

Mike Nelson [as C-3PO]: Yes, Jedi-Knight-hogtied-by-teddy-bears?

---

[Emperor Palpatine stands up and walks towards Darth Vader and Luke]

Kevin Murphy: Brain Guy?!

Bill Corbett: Who?

---

[Stormtroopers corner C-3PO and R2-D2.]

Stormtrooper: Freeze!

Bill Corbett [as C-3PO]: [singing] It's raining stormtroopers! Hallelujah!

---

[An ewok is sent flying by a nearby explosion]

Mike Nelson: The Hurt Locker, as performed by the Build-A-Bear Workshop

---

Admiral Ackbar: It's a trap!

Bill Corbet: This is no time to quote tired internet memes, sir!

---

Lando Calrisian: That blast came from the Death Star! That things operational!

Kevin Murphy [as Sullustian Pilot]: Wabas dabat? Obo Shabat!

---

[After Luke cuts off Vader's right hand in their climactic battle]

Bill Corbett [as Luke]: By the way, I got you a cell phone for Father's Day -- it's hands-free. BURN!

---

[As the Emperor falls to his death down a seemingly bottomless chasm]

Kevin Murphy [As the Emperor]: I regret having this bottomless chasm instaaaaaaaalled!

---

[The Emperor explodes into a bluish gas after being tossed down a shaft]

Bill Corbett: Huh, who knew? The Emperor was mostly made of Smurf gas.

Mike Nelson: Update your references, Bill; those are now called Avatar farts!

Terminator: Salvation (2009)

General Ashdown: We mount our offensive in four days.

Mike Nelson: So jack into the Matrix and- wait I'm confused...

---

[A giant, two-legged robot with a gun is shown.]

Mike Nelson [as the robot]: Hey, I think I'm in the wrong movie. You guys seen a douchy stammering kid running around with a stripper?

---

John Connor: WHAT ARE YOU?!

Marcus Wright: I don't know...

Bill Corbet [as Connor]: ALL RIGHT, I WAS JUST CURIOUS, THAT'S ALL!

---

Marcus Wright: What happened here?

Kyle Reese: Judgement Day happened.

Mike Nelson: We named it after the last good Terminator movie.

Paranormal Activity (2009)

[A Ouija board is left on a table after the main characters leave. The board starts to spell something]

Bill Corbett: "T-H-I-S-M-O-V-I-E-B-L-O-W-S!"

[The ouija board catches fire]

Mike Nelson: That's a first; a prop committing suicide.

Kevn Murphy: When they get home, Nick Cage is gonna be there asking, "How'd it get burned? HOW'D IT GET BURRRRNED?!! HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!! HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!!"

---

[Regarding the film's infamous bedroom night scenes]

Bill Corbett: All the cinematic splendor of a Nyquil commercial.

---

[Absolutely nothing has happened while Katie and Micah sleep, the film then fades to black]

Mike Nelson: (as the director) ...and...scene. Brilliant cut!

[The riffers sarcastically clap]

---

[The audience hears the sounds of footsteps coming up the stairs, then suddenly it stops]

Kevin Murphy: Uh, I think the narrative stuck, should we get out and push?

---

[During one of the nighttime bedroom scenes, a door mysteriously moves a few inches followed by silence]

Mike Nelson: And that action sequence will have to keep you going for the next 20 minutes.

---

Micah: (to the demon) Hey, tell me what the point of this was.

Kevin Murphy: That should be the tagline of this movie.

---

[Micah investigates a loud thump accompanied by a loud shriek, only to find nothing except the swinging of their living room chandelier]

Mike Nelson: So it screamed, made a thumping noise and pushed the chandelier. The demon has ADD.

---

[Towards the end of the movie, Katie begins screaming for Micah downstairs]

Bill Corbett: You left the mayonnaise out on the counter all night! The mayonnaise!!

[Micah scrambles out of bed and sprints downstairs]

Mike Nelson: Why are you wearing a goat head? Put down that wavy dagger! And who the hell let Cthulhu in the house? Shoo! Go on with ya!

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

[One of Bella's male friends tries to stay awake during a Romeo and Juliet movie being shown to their class]

Mike Nelson: He's doing his impression of the millions of boyfriends who had to sit through this movie.

---

Alice: [hands Bella a birthday present] This one's from Emmett.

Bill Corbett: Emmett, as you'll recall from the first movie, is an idiot.

---

Edward (to Bella): This is the last time you'll ever see me.

Mike, Bill, and Kevin: [triumphant cheering] Yay! Hooray! Score!

---

[Charlie Swan has had enough of Bella's depression.]

Charlie: All right, that's it.

Kevin Murphy (as Charlie): I've sold you to another franchise. It's Hogwarts for you, kid.

---

[Jacob doffs his shirt]

Kevin Murphy: And . . . HI-YO!

Bill Corbett: Whoa, YUMMY!

Kevin Murphy: AH-OOO-GAH! AH-OOO-GAH! HOO HOO HOO!

Mike Nelson [as a fangirl]: Mom, I didn't know you wanted to see New Moon!

Bill Corbett [as a mom]: Quiet, dear, I'm trying to watch.

---

[Bella collapses to the ground in the middle of a forest clearing in angst, her hands going over the dry grass]

Bill Corbett: A hobbit lay here. And the other. They crawled – their hands were bound.

Kevin Murphy: [Laughing] Thank you, Aragorn!

---

[Bella has nearly drowned in the ocean, and Jacob is resuscitating her on the shore]

Kevin Murphy: Huh. Reminds me of a certain iconic beach love scene.

Bill Corbett: So, are you really suggesting another film is anywhere near as iconic or love-filled as this one, Kevin?

Kevin Murphy: Well, yeah. I mean, you know—

Bill Corbett: WELL YOU AND ALL YOUR PETS SHOULD DIE!!!

---

Bella: So, you're a werewolf.

Jacob: Yeah. Last time I checked.

Mike Nelson [as Jacob]: So I'm pretty good at basketball.

---

[Jacob commenting about the Cullen's car at Bella's house.]

Jacob: Wait, Bella! It's a trick!

Bill Corbett: And possibly, [as Admiral Ackbar] A TRAP!

---

[Discussing Bella's recent cliff diving attempt]

Alice Cullen: I have never met anyone more prone to life-threatening idiocy.

Mike Nelson [as Alice]: And I've gone grenade bowling with Gary Busey.

Kevin Murphy: Now, is that bowling with grenades, or for grenades?

Mike Nelson: Neither, it's Gary's name for raccoon hunting.

---

[Edward appears before the Volturi]

Bill Corbett [as Aro]: The High Council of Gayness will see you now.

Mike and Kevin [as Caius and Marcus]: Uhhhmmmmm... Mmmhhhhh... Ooooh...

---

[Clock strikes noon, time when Edward plans to reveal himself to the crowd.]

Kevin Murphy: Ladies and Gentleman! Please direct your attention to the clock tower where a pasty douchebag will be exposing himself!

---

[Edward removes his shirt, revealing a thin, pale, less than stellar upper body]

Mike Nelson: And theaters full of shrieking teenagers learn the hard way that some things are better left to the imagination.

---

[Edward slowly walking into the sunlight]

Kevin Murphy: He's all slathered up with SPF 666!

---

Bella (to Edward): It doesn't make sense for you to love me.

Mike Nelson: The Twilight Series, summed up in nine words.

---

Aro Volturi: I wonder...?

Bill Corbett [as Aro]: What my agent was thinking?

Aro Volturi: Let us see if she is immune to all our powers. Shall we, Jane?

Mike Nelson: See if she's immune to THE POWER OF LOVE!

[Edward knows what Jane is about to do and starts running towards her]

Jane Volturi: Pain.

[Edward stops and looks and sounds in pain]

Kevin Murphy: Ha! Here you go! Need a cheap vampire effect? Try telepathy!

Bill Corbett: Well! Lame as it may be, I have absolutely no problem with whatever it is they're doing to him here!

Mike Nelson: Maybe the next one up will demonstrate the ancient vampire power of administrating high voltage electrical shocks to the nads!

---

[The Volturi guard Felix easily beats up Edward]

Kevin Murphy: Now wasn't Edward able to stop an SUV with one hand before?

Bill Corbett: Yeah, well... Felix can stop... two SUVs.

Kevin Murphy: With one hand?

Bill Corbett: Well, he stops one, and then the other kind of crashes into it.

Kevin Murphy: So the SUVs are driving in a line towards him?

Bill Corbett: Well-

Mike Nelson: Go to hell, both of you.

Bill Corbett: Okay...

---

[As Bella is being escorted away from the Volturi, she passes by a group of tourists being led into their chamber.]

Kevin Murphy: Our heroine standing idly by as a group of innocent men, women, and children are marched to their deaths...

[A few moments later, screams are heard as the Volturi attack and devour the tourists off screen.]

Bill Corbett: Italian Police issued a statement today once again reiterating that, for the love of God, tour groups should stop going into that castle where all the other tour groups have been mysteriously murdered.

---

Bill Corbett: What the hell!? That's not a new moon! I've seen that dozens of times before! Some of a [bleep] bitch! What the [bleep] kind of piece of [bleep] [bleep] teen vampire bull[bleep] is this!?

Mike Nelson: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Bill! Long way to go! You might wanna back it down a little.

Bill Corbett: I'm sorry, Mike, but I was expecting something new like... um, a square moon or a moon that had three seas of tranquility. But this is the same old same old.

Kevin Murphy: There's a lot more movie to come. Keep hope alive, Bill.

Avatar (2009)

Parker Selfridge: This is why we're here: Unobtanium.

Kevin Murphy: Also known as "MacGuffinanium".

Bill Corbett: It motivates your plot.

Mike Nelson: Or looks great just floating around on your desk.

---

[Jake has bonded with a mountain banshee]

Jake Sulley (to Banshee): That's right. You're mine.

Bill Corbett: The Na'vi have a great symbiotic relationship with nature. ...Meaning they enslave it for their own purposes.

Mike Nelson: [stoically] We humans can learn a lot from their sage example.

---

Soldier (firing on Hometree): Yeah! Get some!

Bill Corbett (as the soldier): Did I just tell a tree to "get some?" Man I need shore leave!

---

[As Hometree collapses]

Kevin Murphy: Well, THAT'S odd: a grey rabbit with a Brooklyn accent just ran by yelling, "TIM-BERRRRRRRRR!"

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005)

[Cedric Diggery, played by Robert Pattinson, jumps out of a tree]

Mike Nelson: Ahh! Undead!

Bill Corbett: Quick, fall in love with it! Ahh!

Kevin Murphy: Ahh! And make that love codependent and brooding! Ahh!

Mike Nelson: And very mumbly and pause-filled! Ahh!

Bill and Kevin: Ahh!

---

Mr. Diggery (to Mr. Weasley): Parting of the ways, I think, old chap. See you at the match!

Mr. Weasley: See you at the match!

Mike Nelson (as Mr. Weasley): Remember, your son's a bloodsucking demon. Bye.

---

[A closeup shot of Barty Crouch Jr., played by David Tennant]

Kevin Murphy: Hey! It's doctor, um...

Mike Nelson: Who?

Kevin Murphy: I'm trying to remember, gimme a second...

---

[The Riffers make fun of Barty Crouch Senior's resemblance to Hitler.]

Barty Crouch Sr.: The rules are absolute...

Kevin Murphy [as Crouch] (German accent): We must annex the Sudetenland!

Barty Crouch Sr.: The Goblet of Fire constitutes a binding magical contract.

Bill Corbett (as Crouch) (German accent): Like the Munich Agreement.

Barty Crouch Sr.: Mr. Potter has no choice. He is, as of tonight...

Mike Nelson (as Crouch) (German accent): OUR NEW FUHRER!

---

[concerning a shaking and screaming trunk]

Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody (to Harry): Wouldn't even bother tellin' you what's in there. You wouldn't believe it if I did.

Mike Nelson [as Moody]: It's a director's cut of Avatar that was good.

Bill Corbett [as Harry]: You're right, I don't believe it.

---

[Harry encounters his Chinese-Scottish crush, Cho Chang]

Kevin Murphy (in Scottish accent): She's from the highlands o' China. Hard to eat haggis with chopsticks.

Harry: Erm, Cho...

Mike Nelson [as Harry]: Is your family tartan just solid red, or...?

Harry (mumbling): D'you want to go to the ball with me?

Cho: Sorry, didn't catch that?

Mike Nelson [as Cho]: Maybe if ye repeated it through a bagpipe?

Harry: D'you want to go to the ball with me?

Kevin Murphy [as Cho]: Ach, see, I'm washin' me kilt that night... (in normal voice) See, 'cause she's Scottish.

Mike Nelson: Yeah. Think we established that.

---

Fudge: A boy's just been killed!

Kevin Murphy (as Fudge): I don't understand. Children are never endangered at Hogwarts!

---

Harry: You bewitched Krum? But-

Moody/Barty Crouch Junior: (mockingly) "But-but-but."

Mike Nelson [as Moody]: (exaggerated childlike voice) I know you are but what am I?

---

[Snape inspects Moody's flask.]

Snape: Polyjuice potion.

Dumbledore: Now we know who's been stealing from your stores, Severus.

[Harry exchanges looks with Snape, who had earlier accused Harry of being the thief.]

Kevin Murphy (as Harry): Ha! Dick.

---

[At Cedric's funeral]

Dumbledore: I think therefore you have the right to know exactly how he died.

Kevin Murphy [as Dumbledore]: Let's see. He was zapped by a fat buck-toothed man holding an evil baby.

The Last Airbender (2010)

Aang: I ran away from home. We got in a storm. We were forced under the water of the ocean.

Bill Corbet: (sarcastically) The water of the ocean. Much like the air of the sky, or the flame of the fire.

---

Katara's Grandmother: I knew from the first time we discovered you were a bender that one day I would realize your destiny.

Kevin Murphy: Does she mean bender the way British people use it?

Mike Nelson: Google it, folks.

---

[During Zhao's speech, regarding Zuko.]

Zhao: …And by doing this he (Zuko) will become strong and a worthy heir to the throne.

Kevin Murphy: Then there'll be two heir benders!

---

[Aang uses his powers to push a soldier away]

Kevin Murphy (as the soldier): He's pushing us back several feet! Flee in terror!

---

[The imprisoned Earthbenders do the infamous "Pebble Dance"]

Kevin Murphy: Let us never speak of what just happened again.

---

Mike Nelson (as soldier): Sir, I just checked. The whole Daily Show crew is making fun of you, even John Oliver.

Kevin Murphy (as Aasif Mandvi): Wha- Oliver?! But he was in the freakin' Love Guru!

Mike Nelson: Love Guru has more than double our tomato meter ranking, sir.

Kevin Murphy: DAMN IT!

---

[As Zhao, played by Aasif Mandvi, dies]

Mike Nelson: Back... to you... Jon... Ugh...

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

[while human Riley is trying to evade the vampires]

Bill Corbett: Bonesaw? Is that you?

Mike Nelson [as Bonesaw]: Not me! I'm not prepared to do that as of yet!

Bill Corbett: So you're saying . . .

Mike Nelson [as Bonesaw]: BOOOOOONESAW'S NOT READYYYYYYYYY!

---

Bella: So you're still you.

Jacob: And you're still you.

Mike Nelson: Um... burn?

Kevin Murphy: And other people are still other people. So, um...

Bill Corbett: Yeah.

---

Bella: Until graduation.

Jacob: Graduation?

Bill Corbett (as Jacob): But you've flunked algebra, like, six times!

Jacob & Disembaudio: Not in a month?

Jacob: Not before you've even...

Bill Corbett (as Jacob): Passed algebra!

Jacob: ...you've even lived! I mean, I didn't even get a chance to...

[Jacob angrily throws a wrench]

Mike Nelson (as Jacob): Throw this crap at the wall! But I've done it now, so we're cool.

---

[Bella and Edward approach the shirtless Jacob]

Edward: Doesn't he own a shirt?

Kevin Murphy: Oh God, the movie's becoming self-aware, and it thinks that's charming!

---

Billy Black: One day our warriors came across a creature.

[Flashback shows a group of Native Americans confronting a vampire wearing a coat with extremely long wrist ruffles]

Billy Black: It looked like a man...

Mike Nelson (as Billy): But its wrist ruffles showed that was a lie.

Billy Black: ...but it was hard as stone, and cold as ice.

Kevin Murphy: (singing) He was willing to sacrifice our love!

---

Billy Black: Something terrible is coming.

Kevin Murphy: Yeah. The next Twilight movie. Thank you.

---

Bella: Why are you so against me becoming like you?

Edward: I've told you...

Bill Corbett (as Edward): I suck, I mean it's amazing how much I suck.

Bella: Be honest with me. [pause] There's more.

Edward: I know the consequences... [pause] of the choice you're making.

Kevin Murphy: THE CONSEQUENCES WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!

---

Riley: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT A LOW PROFILE?!

Kevin Murphy: That it's hard to keep one when you're shouting like a lunatic?

[the scene continues, with the newborns surrounding an overturned vehicle]

Bill Corbett: So... they killed a car? I don't get it.

---

Bella (annoyed): OK, Dad? I'm a virgin.

Charlie Swan (stammering): A-da-da-da-da! OK!

Kevin Murphy: Dad's having a Chandler attack!

Bill Corbett: "Could my daughter be any more of a virgin?!"

---

Rosalie: I was in love with the idea of love.

Bill Corbett (as Rosalie): Hated the idea of hate. Indifferent to the idea of...

Kevin Murphy: Ok, we get it.

Bill Corbett: I was gonna say shoes.

---

[The Cullens are meeting with the wolves]

Dr. Cullen: Jasper has experience fighting newborns. Teach us how to defeat them.

Kevin Murphy (as one of the wolves): Rat roucherag? Ruh-roh!

---

[during a practice duel between Emmett and Jasper]

Mike Nelson: Wow, normally Emmett and Jasper only fight like this over who gets to lick the cheese out of the Handi-Snacks container.

[a bit later, during a duel between Edward and Dr. Cullen]

Mike Nelson: Normally, Edward and his dad only fight like this over who has to take Emmett or Jasper to the hospital after they've cut their tongues licking the Handi-Snacks container.

Kevin Murphy: ...Wow.

---

Edward [to Bella]: The only way I can protect you is to be with you.

Bill Corbett [as Edward]: Which is why I fled to Italy for all of the last movie.

---

Jacob [to Edward]: So you just turn her into a bloodsucking demon, like you.

Kevin Murphy: Just like your last girlfriend, Ann Coulter.

---

[during an intense fight between Edward and Victoria]

Bill Corbett: See, this is what we all thought Ultimate Fighting would be like.

Kevin Murphy: Exactly.

Mike Nelson: But no, it's just guys in colorful shorts giving each other twenty-five minute bear hugs.

---

Bella: This wasn't a choice between you and Jacob.

Kevin Murphy: Then what the hell was the point of the last two movies?!

Bella: It was a choice between who I should be and who I am.

Mike Nelson: What the holy hell does that mean?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007)

Harry: Mrs. Weasley!

Kevin Murphy (as Harry): In four years I'm gonna be doing your daughter-! Uh, I mean, "Hello."

---

Sirius Black: We believe Voldemort may be after something. Something he didn't have last time...

Bill Corbett: A nose?

---

Dumbledore: Of course there is someone who might be behind the attack.

Mike Nelson (as Dumbledore): Dobby. Find him and kill him!

---

[Fudge addresses a group of reporters]

Fudge: The Ministry of Magic is pleased to announce the appointment of Dolores Jane Umbridge as High Inquisitor, to address the falling standards at Hogwarts School. Having already revolutionized the teaching of Defense Against the Dark Arts-

Bill Corbett (as reporter): Yes, but what about the rumors of gas shortages?

Kevin Murphy (as reporter): Mr. Minister, do you have a comment on the wizard genocide in Africa?

Mike Nelson (as Fudge): Please keep all questions to the matter of staffing the local boarding school.

---

[Harry and the DA leave detention, walking past Cho Chang, who had betrayed them to Umbridge.]

Mike Nelson (as Cho): (awkwardly) Hey guys, did you get me my notes like I asked? No? H-how about you guys? I emailed the whole class about my dentist appointment... Just wanna get notes from class... Anyone? Notes?

Cho: Harry...

Bill Corbett (as Harry): [Bleep] you and [bleep] your notes!

---

[Dumbledore confronts Voldemort]

Dumbledore: It was foolish of you to come here tonight, Tom.

Mike Nelson: Yes, the most evil wizard of all time... "Tom".

---

Voldemort: You're a fool, Harry Potter. And you will lose... everything.

Kevin Murphy (as Harry): Even my virginity? Sweet!

---

Luna Lovegood: I think I'll just go have some pudding.

Mike Nelson (as Luna): If the cafeteria ever ran out of pudding, I'd kill everyone in the school. Bye!

High School Musical (2006)

[repeated line, whenever a character points dramatically]

Mike, Bill or Kevin: You. Go to hell.

---

[Over an establishing shot of the school]

Mike Nelson: Ah, high school. Where would 70 percent of movies and TV be set without you?

---

Chad: You think LeBron James and Shaquille O'Neal auditioned for their school musical?

Mike: You've obviously never seen the all-NBA production of Paint Your Wagon.

---

[Someone auditions for the musical by doing ballet leaps]

Bill Corbett [singing]: Shame! I wanna look like a douchebag!

---

[the guys sing along with Sharpay and Ryan's performance of "What I've Been Looking For"]

Bill [singing]: Short people got – no reason! Short people got –

All [singing]: No reason!

Mike [singing]: You take the good, you take the bad, you take 'em both, and there you have the facts of life, the facts of life!

Kevin Murphy [singing]: The best thing about bein' a woman is the prerogative to have a little fu-un!

Bill [singing]: London calling to the faraway towns! Now war is declared, and battle come down!

Mike [singing]: And it's bad, bad Leroy Brown! The baddest man in the whole damn town!

Kevin [singing]: Don't lean on me, man, 'cause you can't afford the tickeeeeeet . . . I'm back from Suffragette City!

Mike: I like our version better.

Bill: Me, too!

---

[Kelsi trips and her sheet music scatters all over the stage]

Bill [as Kelsi]: My quirkiness!

---

Troy: She's just a girl.

Coach Bolton: But you're not just a guy, Troy!

Kevin: You're my meal ticket – I mean, son! You're my son!

---

Sharpay: We need to save our show from people who don't know the difference between a Tony Award . . . and Tony Hawk.

Mike: The mentally retarded are trying to ruin our show?

. . .

[A guy skateboards past the camera]

Bill: A Tony Award! . . . What?

---

[Everyone dances and sings during the pep rally]

Mike: Wow, actual pep at a pep rally. At my school, there was a lot more sarcastic laughing and sneaking off to smoke.

---

[Gabriella sings "When There Was Me and You" in the sunlit hallway]

Mike: Good, good. Now put her in a white cotton dress, rolling in some white satin sheets, dapple her with a touch more sunlight, and you'll have a complete Faith Hill video.

Bill: Mmmmmm, bland, pretty stuff!

. . .

Mike: She's talking about the time she believed it was butter!

---

[Gabriella won't come to the door when Troy knocks]

Bill: Time for Plan B: hold a boom box over my head and and blast my favorite romantic song, "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls.

---

Ryan [singing]: Anything it takes to climb the ladder of success!

Bill: List of things he's willing to do to climb the ladder of success: very long and very, very disturbing.

---

Troy [singing]: We're soarin', flyin' . . .

Kevin: Next.

---

Taylor: We were worse than jerks, we were mean jerks!

Kevin: ...as opposed to those nice jerks you hear so much about!

---

[In response to the repeated lyric "Together, together, together, everyone!"]

Bill: Everyone?

Kevin: That's what they said.

Bill: Everyone? So, so . . . Eliot Spitzer? Me? Connie Chung? The janitor at the Jack in the Box in Redwood? Everyone?

Kevin: They have made no exceptions, Bill.

. . .

Bill: Everyone! Jake Busey? The cast of The Devil's Rejects? Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer? Everyone?

Kevin: Yup. Everyone.

. . .

Bill: Everyone!

Kevin: You're having a hard time with this, huh?

Bill: Yeah, it's just, it's just . . . come on, everyone? Milton Friedman, A Tribe Called Quest, the cast of the touring company of A Chorus Line?

Kevin: Everyone, OK?! Eve-ry-one. You're familiar with the concept?

Bill: No, no, you're right, I shouldn't let it throw me, but . . . but, like, my mom and dad? Mike's cousin Terry? The guy who sold me a meat stick last Thursday?

Kevin: OK!!! EVERYONE!!!

Thor (2011)

---

Thor: If the frost giants had stolen even one of these relics-

Odin: They didn't.

Thor: Well, I want to know why!

Bill Corbett (as Thor): And I'll say my lines louder and hammier until I do!

---

Odin: YOU ARE A VAIN, GREEDY, CRUEL BOY!

Thor: AND YOU ARE AN OLD MAN AND A FOOL!

Mike Nelson: Huh, sounds like the last time I ever sat on Santa's lap.

---

[Thor tries in vain to pull his Hammer out of the ground, but can't]

Mike Nelson [as Thor]: Must I now whack moles with my bare hands?!

---

[Loki falls into the abyss despite Thor's attempts to save him]

Thor: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Mike Nelson: George Lucas immediately inserted this scene into the Star Wars Blu-Ray.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 (2011)

[Repeated line whenever someone greets Jacob Black, who's played by Taylor Lautner]

Mike, Bill, or Kevin [as various characters]: Sorry about Abduction.

---

[A furious Jacob throws Bella and Edward's wedding invitation on the ground, pulls off his shirt, and runs away]

Bill Corbett: Another rejection letter from a college that requires shirts.

---

[The Riffers draw attention to a painting of a dog's head on Bella's bedside dresser]

Kevin Murphy: So the main thing is, Dog Face Painting.

Bill Corbett [as Bella]: Dog Face Painting, you just get me.

Mike Nelson [as Bella]: Nothing to fear as long as you're on my side, Dog Face Painting.

Kevin Murphy: I was gonna paint him a body, but he was, like, "Hey, you've got enough on your plate right now". So thoughtful.

Bill Corbett [as Bella]: Goodnight, Dog Face Painting.

Mike Nelson [as Dog Face Painting]: Roodnight. (insidious tone) I watch you while you sleep.

Bill Corbett [as Bella]: What was that?

Mike Nelson [as Dog Face Painting]: Uh! Rye said Rye rove roo!

---

Priest: Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here on this glorious day to witness the union of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan.

Bill Corbett [as Priest]: Also my Bible just burst into flame for some reason.

---

[Esme gives her wedding toast]

Esme: I'd like to thank Renee and Charlie for bringing such a wonderful person into the world.

Bill Corbett: Such a hollow-eyed, self-absorbed angel.

---

[Edward gives his wedding toast]

Edward: And so I'd like to propose a toast to my beautiful bride . . .

Mike Nelson [sotto voce]: (coughs) Suck it, Jacob. . . .

---

[During Bella and Edward's honeymoon sex scene]

Kevin Murphy: The old people in Pixar's Up had hotter sex than this!

---

[Bella wakes up on her and Edward's honeymoon to find all the bedroom furniture broken]

Kevin Murphy [as Bella]: Well, we wrecked the bedroom. Guess it only makes sense to wreck the toilet.

Bill Corbett [as Edward]: Way ahead of you, honey!

---

[During a lingering shot of Bella staring into the mirror]

Bill Corbett [in agony]: Oh, for the love of God! Do something, you apprehensive, brain-damaged, mouse-haired, sea cucumber!

---

[Jacob confronts Edward over Bella's pregnancy]

Jacob: You did this!

Carlisle Cullen: We didn't know it was even possible.

Mike Nelson: It's like someone's making up the rules as she goes.

---

Jacob [to Bella]: What are you thinking about?

[The Riffers chuckle]

Mike Nelson: That's cute; Bella thinking.

---

[Jacob gets up to leave]

Bella: Jacob, don't go!

Jacob: I know how this ends. And I'm not sticking around to watch.

Kevin Murphy: Ah! I'm on Team Jacob! Let's get the hell out of here!

Mike Nelson: Oh no, no. Sit down, you.

Kevin Murphy: Awww...

Mike Nelson: Sit down.

---

Bella: ...and I was thinking, "Renesmee."

Mike Nelson: And then you immediately, without a second's thought, threw that in the trash can and vowed never to speak it again, right?

---

[The Cullens do research to try to understand Bella's pregnancy]

Kevin Murphy: So when vampires need ancient wisdom about their own kind, they Google it?

Mike Nelson: Oh yeah, and Edward just started a Facebook group called "Supernatural Beings Who Don't Know Crap About Ourselves."

---

[Bella screams in pain as Rose performs a Caesarian on her]

Kevin Murphy: Ah, the sound I made when I heard they were splitting Breaking Dawn into two films.

---

[Jacob imprints onto the newborn Renesmee]

Bill Corbett: So a werewolf just fell in love with the monster baby that was ripped out of it's mother's womb by the teeth of her vampire husband. Stephenie Meyer, get some help. You're very, very sick and deranged. You need to be hospitalized, now!

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)

[The Gryffindors wildly celebrate Ron's Quidditch victory.]

Mike Nelson: Mad with power, Ron declares himself the new Chosen One... and is instantly killed by Voldemort.

---

[An Inferi attacks Harry.]

Mike Nelson: Great, just what we needed. Another love interest for Harry.

---

Dumbledore: Harry, do as I say.

Mike Nelson: The Harry Potter series summed up in five words!

---

Dumbledore: Please let me help you.

Draco Malfoy: I don't want your help! Don't you understand? I have to do this. I have to kill you. Or he's gonna kill me.

Kevin Murphy: Just so we're on the same page, we're talking about Neville?

Bill Corbett: (exasperated) Voldemort!

---

Dumbledore is killed and sent falling from the astronomy tower.

Mike Nelson (As Dumbledore): Don't retcon me gaaaaaayyyyy...

---

Snape: Yes, I'm the Half-Blood Prince.

[Snape leaves without any further explanation.]

Kevin Murphy (as Snape): That-that's my entire reveal? Not even gonna explain what the hell Half-Blood Prince even means? You know what, I'm glad there's only one of these left!

Mike Nelson: We're splitting it into two movies!

Kevin Murphy (as Snape): Damn... it...

The Hunger Games (2012)

[mournful music plays over shots of squalor in District 12]

Bill Corbett: Feels like an NPR audio essay is about to break out.

---

[Katniss and Gale laugh after she shoots a bird]

Bill Corbett: Heh. Killing is awesome.

---

[District 12 kids file grimly into the square]

Kevin Murphy: The grave look of people going to a Nickelback concert.

---

[Primrose slowly walks to the stage after being reaped]

Mike Nelson [as Prim]: Screw it. I'll see all you Sarahs, Plain and Tall in hell.

---

[after Effie reads out Peeta's name at the reaping]

Bill Corbett (as Peeta): Oh, sorry, that should say Pe-ter. Sorry, it's my handwriting. Ha ha. I've always had lousy handwriting. Peeta is obviously not a name, that's ridiculous. My name is Pe-ter. Sorry for the mix-up. It's, it's Pe-ter. [beat] I'll go die in the Hunger Games now.

---

Haymitch: Embrace the probability of your imminent death, and know in your heart that there's nothing I can do to save you.

Bill Corbett: That's how the hostess greets you at Denny's.

---

[shot of a man with an oddly-shaped face]

Bill Corbett: Beck!

[shot of an old wealthy woman]

Bill Corbett: Christine Baranski!

[shot of a dog that has been dyed pink]

Bill Corbett: Nicki Minaj!

---

[Katniss and Peeta wait to demonstrate their skills in front of the Gamemakers]

Kevin Murphy (singing): God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it . . .

---

[Caesar Flickerman ends the interview with Katniss]

Caesar: Katniss Everdeen, the girl on fire!

[the audience cheers rapturously]

Bill Corbett (as the audience): Your death better be entertaining!

---

[while Haymitch lectures Katniss]

Cinna: He's right, Katniss.

Kevin Murphy: Damn it, Kravitz, who gave you a line?

---

[Katniss tumbles down a mountain into the woods]

Mike Nelson: Yup. That's how she rolls.

---

[the Career Tributes whoop and holler as they approach Katniss]

Kevin Murphy: I assume the blond ringleader is a Malfoy of some sort?

---

[Glimmer screams as she is attacked by tracker jackers]

Bill Corbett: OK, on three: One, two, three . . .

All: NOT THE BEES!

---

[Katniss whistles her and Rue's mockingjay signal]

Bill Corbett: Oh, you were a touch flat on the C note. That one means "Office Depot is out of orange Post-Its."

---

[Katniss aims an arrow at Cato, who is holding a knife to Peeta's throat]

Kevin Murphy: (as Katniss) Drop the boiled turnip!

Bill Corbett: (as Peeta) Katniss, it's me!

Kevin Murphy: (as Katniss) Drop the talking boiled turnip!!

---

[Katniss and Peeta stand in shock on the Cornucopia]

Kevin Murphy: Worst. Hunger Games. Ever.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2 (2012)

[Taylor Lautner's name is shown in the opening credits]

Mike Nelson: Starring Taylor "Sorry About That Whole Thing Where I Tried to Be in Real Movies" Lautner. "That was a mistake and, obviously, it won't happen again."

---

[Bella looks troubled upon seeing baby Renesmee for the first time. Renesmee is depicted in CGI]

Bill Corbett (as Bella): How the hell did I give birth to a digital baby?

Mike Nelson (as Rose): I rendered her in DAZ 3D and animated her using Lightwave.

Kevin Murphy: Jack-Jack from The Incredibles looked less digital than this thing!

---

[Jacob confronts Charlie, played by Billy Burke]

Jacob: Look...

Kevin Murphy (as Jacob): Can you get me a part on Revolution, 'cause after this flick I've got nothing.

---

[Charlie visits Bella at the Cullen house]

Charlie: Bella.

Kevin Murphy (as Bella): Greetings, blood-rich human progenitor. . . . I mean, hi, Dad.

---

[The Volturi administration walks through the temple]

Bill Corbett (as Caius): When we're done here, can we swing by the Hello Kitty store?

Mike Nelson (as Aro): Mmmm, yes!

Kevin Murphy (as Marcus): Ohhhh!

Bill Corbett (as Caius): Ohhhh!

---

[Renesmee falls asleep after Bella reads to her in bed]

Bill Corbett: See, teenage girls? Parenting is super-easy! People gives you a house, kid takes care of itself, nobody has a job, there's poetry. . . . Just go for it!

---

Edward: Well, we still have today.

Mike Nelson (as Edward): Let's carpe diem and mumble and mope like we've never mumbled and moped before!

---

[Aro gives a high-pitched laugh when he meets Renesmee.]

Mike, Bill and Kevin: (All burst out laughing)

Kevin Murphy: Okay, there's no comment in the world that would make that funnier.

Bill Corbett: Nope.

---

[When it's revealed that the final battle was just a vision]

Bill Corbett: Wait, you're f****** kidding me!

The Avengers (2012)

[Loki has just entered Earth through the wormhole]

Bill Corbett: Whew! For a moment, I thought it was the movie's villain. It's just that creepy guy we kicked out of the library for rubbing up against the Trent Reznor LP's.

---

[as the SHIELD fighter launches the nuclear missile at New York]

Kevin Murphy: He's gonna nuke unique You Nor...neek unique New Nork...he's gonna BLOW UP THE CITY!

---

[about Hawkeye]

Kevin Murphy: So when his gonna save Peeta and return to his sister Primrose?

Mike Nelson: Oh, ha-ha, you guys. OK, "Hawkeye sucks. He's just a regular guy. He doesn't have any real super-powers."

Bill Corbett: (pause) "but..." yes, Mike?

Mike Nelson: No...no, I'm done. Oh, I'm sorry if I sounded sarcastic. I meant every word of that.

---

Bruce Banner: I got low.

Kevin Murphy (as Bruce): I ate at Long John Silvers every night for a week!

Bruce Banner: I didn't see an end, so I put a bullet in my mouth...and the other guy spit it out.

Bill Corbett (as Bruce): In retrospect, I probably should have SHOT the bullet from a GUN.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 (2010)

[Harry takes one last look at his old bedroom under the stairs]

Bill Corbett: Ah, the ol' fappin' room!

. . .

Mike Nelson: We now return to Harry Potter Does the Final Walk-through in Preparation for Getting the Damage Deposit Back!

---

Hermione: Don't ever let me give you a haircut again!

Mike Nelson: Official motto of Fantastic Sam's!

Kevin Murphy: [guffaws] Not a very good motto!

Mike Nelson: [stoically] No, it really isn't.

---

[Ron leaves Harry and Hermione.]

Ron: Fine, I get it. I saw you two the other night.

Hermione: Ron, that-that's nothing!

Mike Nelson (as Hermione): It's just that he and I are in love and we hate you.

---

[Hermione sits alone in a forest, reading a book.]

Mike Nelson (as Hermione): "Dear Diary, I ran into a girl in the nearby town of Forks who says she's a vampire. I only spent three minutes with her, yet I have never been so bored in my entire life."

---

Mr. Lovegood: They were angry, you see, about what I'd been writing.

Kevin Murphy: Fanfiction where Voldemort married Sonic the Hedgehog.

---

[Dobby dies in Harry's arms]

Kevin Murphy: He died as he lived: looking dumb as Hell.

Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2008)

[Rod and Nathalie walk through a sunlit garden]

Bill Corbett: [in a thick European accent] Hai, poorly made cult film directed by an immigrant with a funny accent trying to horn in on my business.

---

[the doorbell rings at Nathalie's obese mom's house]

Mike Nelson: SALACIOUS, CAN YOU GET THAT?

---

[Rod and Nathalie dance to "Hangin' Out With My Family"]

Mike Nelson: [singing] Just hittin' on, hittin' on, hittin' on family members, got some attractive cooooousins!

---

[Rod sees Nathalie in her underwear]

Rod: You look . . . [trying to say "divine"] fine.

Bill Corbett: His impression of the first time Bill met Hillary.

---

[Nathalie tries to coax Susan out from under the car]

Susan: No, I don't wanna go! The birds will bite me!

Mike Nelson: [as a comforting Nathalie] Oh, birds don't have teeth, you stupid idiot.

---

[as Rod and Nathalie come upon two more victims of the birds, an instrumental version of John Lennon's "Imagine" plays]

Kevin Murphy: [singing] Imagine all the eagles, pecking out your eyes!

Kevin, Mike and Bill: [singing] Ah-ahhh-ah-ah!

---

Nathalie: I got some seaweed.

[extremely long pause]

Rod: Good! I'm gonna go to the van and get the stove.

Mike Nelson: [laughs] Took a while to get to his brain.

Replica (2005)

Sales Manager: That was a digital representation of me. A digital character that's as lifelike as any real actor.

Bill Corbett: My irony meter just exploded.

---

[Evelyn walks down the street to meet Joe]

Bill Corbett: [as Evelyn] I can't believe I turned down being the "before" patient in an Imodium ad for this.

---

[Evelyn and Joe frolic on the beach]

Bill Corbett: Date scenes in James Nguyen movies feel like the kid at summer camp trying to convince people he's been on a date before.

Mike Nelson: [as such a kid] I have too been on a date! We rode the horse ride and then went to the beach and then she touched my huge muscles and we Frenched for like 80 minutes.

---

[Dr. G and Joe talk on the phone]

Dr. G: In fact, she told me you needed to improve your sales performance.

Mike Nelson: [as Joe] That's ridiculous. Have a 50% discount.

. . .

Dr. G: We want to purchase 50 million of your Nano3000 chips.

Bill Corbett: YES! Oh, but wait: What if the cost isn't also a childishly simplistic number?

Joe: Uh, yeah. I mean, yes.

Kevin Murphy: Here we go. You can do it. You can do it. Round it off, baby.

Dr. G: We just received our second round of funding: 100 million dollars.

Kevin, Mike and Bill: [applauding] YEAH! WOOOO!

Dr. G: Soon, we will be purchasing a much larger order. Will that be a problem on any level?

Joe: No, not at all.

Mike Nelson: Not as long as those numbers stay nice and round!

---

[Evelyn stands before Joe in her underwear]

Mike Nelson: On the other hand, maybe we've been too hard on this movie. There are a lot of positive points.

---

[Evelyn drives slowly down a residential street; another car drives toward her]

Kevin Murphy: Oh, hey, another slow car. Not a problem, just gently turn the wheel or-

[Evelyn panics and takes her hands off the wheel]

Kevin Murphy: Uh . . . hey, what - what are you -

[the cars drive toward each other and a crash is heard; cut to black]

Kevin, Mike and Bill: [laughing in confusion] What?!

[fade in to Joe placing flowers at Evelyn's grave; Kevin laughs hysterically]

Mike Nelson: No!

Bill Corbett: Cause of death: lightly bruised elbow in car crash.

Kevin Murphy: WOW!

---

[Detective Le questions Joe]

Detective Le: Did you have intercourse with Mrs. Tyler?

Joe: Hey, what kind of questions are these?

Bill Corbett: But, also, yes, and she said it was good, the best probably ever.

---

[Joe spots Claudia walking down the street]

Bill Corbett: Engage. Leer. Mode. [makes "beep-boop" sound effect]

Kevin Murphy: Lower back tattoo recognized. Engage standard stalking protocol.

---

[Claudia opens her hotel room door to Joe]

Claudia: Oh, it's you again. How dare you follow me to my room.

Joe: I am sorry. I didn't mean to.

Mike Nelson: [as Joe] I tripped and fell up five flights of stairs and landed here.

---

[Joe and Claudia go on their date]

Mike Nelson: [as Joe] You're way better than my last girlfriend. She didn't even have her own name written above her butt.

Kevin Murphy: [as Claudia] You say the sweetest things.

---

[the camera zooms in on Joe as he finds Evelyn's bracelet in Claudia's room]

Mike Nelson: Come on, full flashback, please, please, come on . . .

[flashback to Joe and Evelyn's date at the gazebo]

Joe: Oh, I almost forgot.

Mike, Kevin and Bill: [applauding] YEEEAAH! WOO!

Kevin Murphy: Beautiful!

---

Joe: That's why Dr. G bought millions of Nano3000 chips, so he could build the Cloneatron. This is so evil!

Mike Nelson: Cloneatron, huh? What's it do?

---

[Joe and Claudia drive to Dr. G's lab]

Mike Nelson: [as Claudia] So, anyway, Evelyn was like a scientist and stuff, right? I totally think that I could be a scientist person but I just gotta learn some science crap first but that shouldn't be too hard right because I was thinking of going to a science school anyway -

Kevin Murphy: [as Joe] Yeah, I think we should see other people.

---

Dr. G: This is the Cloneatron! Man's greatest invention!

Bill Corbett: I guess Cloneamatic, Cloneapalooza and Clones-R-Us were already taken.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (2011)

Harry: (addressing Dumbledore's Army) Okay, there's something we need to find.

Bill Corbett: A gun?

---

[Voldemort has just demanded that Harry be handed over]

Pansy Parkinson: What are you waiting for? Someone grab him!

[Ginny Weasley moves to Harry's defense]

Mike Nelson (as Ginny): Back off, Cho! Uh, I mean, Slytherins.

---

[All the non-Slytherin students celebrate after McGonagall orders Filch to lock the Slytherins in the dungeons.]

Kevin Murphy: Woo hoo! Torture our classmates!

Mike Nelson: Turn them into lab rats for experimental spells!

---

[Harry and Luna watch a magic shield being erected over Hogwarts.]

Luna: It's very impressive, isn't it?

Mike Nelson (as Luna): How boring CGI effects have become.

---

[Voldemort and his army prepare to attack Hogwarts.]

Voldemort: (laughs) They never learn...

Mike Nelson: The Hufflepuff House motto.

---

[The Death Eaters set fire to the Quidditch stadium.]

Mike Nelson: Wait - the Quidditch stadium is burning which makes this the best Quidditch scene in all eight movies!

[All three Riffers begin cheering.]

---

[Multiple explosions during the Battle of Hogwarts]

Mike Nelson: It's Michael Bay's Harry Potter!

Bill Corbett: Ooh! Can't wait for all the close-ups of the female wizards' butts!

Mike Nelson: Bill, come on, be respectful. A female wizard is called a witch.

---

[Goyle falls to his death]

Kevin Murphy (as Goyle): Tell my parents I was a character people gave a crap abouttttt!!!

Mike Nelson: Ummm... Not gonna happen.

Kevin Murphy (as Goyle): Fair enouggggggghhhh!!

---

[Voldemort prepares to cast the Killing Curse on Harry in the Forbidden Forest]

Kevin Murphy (as Voldemort): EAT SLUGS!!! Damn it! I meant Avada Kedavra!

---

[Voldemort and his followers laugh about Harry's supposed "death"]

Voldemort: Eh heh heh!

Kevin Murphy (as Voldemort): That's my real laugh, I promise. Eh heh heh!

Voldemort: And now is the time to declare yourself. Come forward and join us. Or die.

Mike Nelson (as Voldemort): Filch, you may be my sex slave!

---

[Harry and Voldemort duel.]

Bill Corbett: The greatest battle between two wizards since Merlin turned into a walrus to squash chicken Mad Madam Mim!

---

[Neville kills Nagini]

Bill Corbett (as Neville): Take that, Grandma! I mean snake.

...

[Voldemort reacts to Nagini's death]

Kevin Murphy (as Voldemort): Okay, putting my soul in a big snake was a pretty dumb idea.

---

[Voldemort disintegrates.]

Kevin Murphy (as Voldemort): Hear my last words and hear them well: Harry Potter has a tiny weineeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr...!!!

---

[During the Epilogue, Harry escorts his children to the Hogwarts Express.]

Mike Nelson: Wait, they're not suggesting that Hogwarts is still allowed to operate, are they?

Dancin': It's On! (2015)

[over title card]

Bill Corbett: Actually, I'll be turnin': it off!

---

[Mr. Sanders looks back at Ken and shakes his head in disgust]

Kevin Murphy (as Mr. Sanders): Ahh, ya kids with your "dancin's" and "it's ons"....

---

[the Mime greets Jennifer at the Panama City airport]

Kevin Murphy: Marcel Mar-suck!

---

Soundtrack: Oh, oh, Panama City...

Kevin Murphy (singing): Doin' things you'll regret in Panama City!

Soundtrack: Oh, oh, Panama City...

Kevin Murphy (singing): Throwin' up Four Loko in Panama City!

Soundtrack: Oh, oh, Panama City...

Kevin Murphy (singing): Bangin' guys named Braden in Panama City!

Soundtrack: Oh, oh, Panama City...

Kevin Murphy (singing): Wakin' up without a kidney in Panama City!

---

Jennifer: And what's your name?

The Captain: They call me... [begins dancing]

Mike Nelson: Oh, please do a whole dance and then say "Larry."

The Captain: [stops dancing] ...the Captain.

Bill Corbett: Captain Larry.

---

[Danny escorts Jennifer to her room]

Kevin Murphy: Very easy to picture his photo under the headline "Boyfriend wanted for questioning."

. . .

[Jennifer tries to get rid of Danny, who is lingering at the door to her room]

Danny: And if you need anything, just let me know.

Jennifer: I will.

Danny: Okay. I'll just be right downstairs.

Jennifer: Okay. Yeah.

Mike Nelson: Stalkin': It's on!

---

[Jennifer spots Ken dancing at the nightclub]

Kevin Murphy: Okay, did a witch give him a curse that if he ever stops dancing, he turns back into a frog?

[Ken executes a leap]

Bill Corbett: Wow, what a great dancer! Or maybe he's embarrassingly bad. I dunno. The point is, I'm hungry.

[Jennifer follows Ken to the bar, where he swallows a drink]

Mike Nelson (as Ken): Bartender, give me a dance juice.

---

Soundtrack: You, you can't stop me dancing...

Bill Corbett: Yeah. We know. You have a problem.

---

[Jennifer and Ken spend the day frolicking around town]

Bill Corbett: Ah, young love.

Kevin Murphy: Yeah.

Bill Corbett: It's just... disgusting.

Kevin Murphy: Yeah.

---

[Jennifer and Ken visit a whale-shaped souvenir stand]

Mike Nelson: FROM HELL'S HEART, I BUY TOURIST CRAP AT THEE!

---

Ken: You're gonna make me say it.

Jennifer: Say what?

Kevin Murphy (as Jennifer): That we come from different worlds and our star-crossed love is not meant to be?

Mike Nelson (as Ken): Oh. Uh, yeah. That. And also, I want a chili dog.

---

Ken: Anyway, I have to get back to the kitchen and finish the dishes.

Kevin Murphy: Scrapin' cheese off lunch plates: It's on!

---

[Danny tries to kiss Jennifer in the limo]

Kevin Murphy: Uh-oh. Danny thinks it's on.

Jennifer: [pushes him away] I'm going now, Danny.

Danny: Uh, okay. Good night, Jennifer.

Jennifer: Good night, Danny.

Mike Nelson: Danny's angry dance would last more than four hours.

[the Captain opens the car door for Jennifer]

The Captain: Good evening, Miss Jennifer. Hope you had a lovely dinner.

Jennifer: Yes, Captain. It was wonderful.

The Captain: Don't worry, Miss. Things can only get better.

Bill Corbett: The official motto of having been with Danny.

---

[Mr. Sanders eats a sandwich while Ken and Shotsy stretch]

Mike Nelson: An old guy eatin': It's on!

---

Mr. Sanders: You can play baseball. You can play tennis. You can even play football. But you can't play dance.

Mike Nelson: You can tune a piano. But you can't tune a fish.

---

[Ken affectionately kisses Shotsy somewhere between her cheek and her mouth]

Bill Corbett: Weird, confusing kiss: It's on!

---

[a random fat guy watches Jennifer and Ken reunite]

Fat guy: What're you waitin' on, honey? Give the guy a kiss already!

Bill Corbett: Wow. Finally feels like we're really in Florida.

[Jennifer and Ken kiss]

Mike Nelson (as the fat guy): I mean, that's pretty good. Now slip 'er some tongue already! Hang on, I'm gonna go get another hot dog—you guys want anything? You guys? You want a hot dog or anything? Hello?

---

[an annoyed-looking Mr. Sanders enters while Jennifer and Ken are rehearsing for the dance contest]

Kevin Murphy (as Mr. Sanders): I just took a dump.

. . .

[Mr. Sanders rolls his eyes at Jennifer and Ken's mid-rehearsal PDA]

Mr. Sanders: Young love. [exits]

Bill Corbett (as Mr. Sanders): Well, great twenty-second rehearsal. You're ready, whatever, who cares. I'll take another dump.

---

Ken: We're not gonna win, so what's the point of being here?

Mr. Sanders: The point is being here. Don't you get it? This is not about winning or losing. This is about dancing.

Bill Corbett: Dancing. In a contest. With winners and losers.

---

[during his performance with Jennifer, Ken ends a turn sequence by stepping into a fighting stance]

Mike Nelson: Hadouken!

RiffTrax Presents

Saw (2004)

Adam: I'm gonna kill you, motherfucker!

Bill Corbett: That doesn't give him much of an incentive. He should try "Please, motherfucker."

Spider-Man 2 (2004)

[The opening credits show a flashback scene of Peter Parker and Bonesaw in a wrestling match]

Bill Corbett [as Bonesaw]: BONESAW IS READY...TO BE LEFT OUT OF THIS PICTURE. FEEL REALLY DEPRESSED ABOUT IT. SERIOUSLY, BONESAW WAS SEEING A THERAPIST FOR A WHILE. BUT NOW, BONESAW IS READY... TO GET ON WITH HIS LIFE!

---

[Peter Parker, in a rush to deliver pizza, exits a closet after changing out of his Spider-man suit]

Bill Corbett: R. Kelly? Is that You?

Kevin Murphy [singing]: "And then I pulled out my pizza, then the mops fell over in the closet..."

---

[A carjacker wearing a beret shoots at a pursuing police cruiser]

Kevin Murphy: Jamie Hyneman: myth-buster and cop-buster!

---

[A doorman, played by Bruce Campbell, stops Peter Parker]

Doorman: Um, you might want to...

Josh Fruhlinger [as Campbell]: ...be as awesome as me.

---

[Doc Octavius is showing off his mechanical arms to the press]

Reporter: Doctor, if the artificial intelligence in the arms is as advanced as you suggest, couldn't that make you vulnerable to them?

Octavius: How right you are.

Bill Corbett [as Octavius]: Kill her, arms!

---

[Dr. Octopus rips a door off of a cab and hurls it at Spider-Man]

Josh Fruhlinger: Death cab for Spidey!

---

[A scene is backed by B.J. Thomas's "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"]:

B.J. Thomas [singing]: So I just did me some talkin' to the sun...

Kevin Murphy [singing]: Then I went home and ate a big old jar of paste!

---

[The scene freezes on a corny shot of a smiling Peter Parker]

Kevin Murphy: Spider-man 2 will be back after these messages.

The Running Man (1987)

[Repeated line]

Matt Sloan: To hell mitt you!

---

[A prison guard is seen typing into a laptop-like instrument.]

Matt Sloan: Hey, that guy's live blogging!

Aaron Yonda:(As guard) Dave just got shot, LOL. These prisoners is totes pwning us, frowny emoticon.

---

[Chico's head is blown off by the explosive neckbands.]

Aaron Yonda:(as Ben Richards/Arnold Schwarzenegger) He headed that one off at the pass.

Matt Sloan:(as Ben Richards/Arnold Schwarzenegger) He got a head start.

Aaron Yonda:(as Ben Richards/Arnold Schwarzenegger) The nail hit him on the head.

Chad Vader:(as Ben Richards/Arnold Schwarzenegger) He got a little hot over the collar. (sighs) We've got a lot of these left, don't we?

Aaron Yonda: You could always "Head" home, Chad.

Chad Vader: Really?

Matt Sloan: No, not really, no.

Chad Vader: Jerks.

---

Chad Vader: Perimeter: Reactivated.

All: (Makes explosion noises while imitating different voices crying in pain as the neckbands explode)

Aaron Yonda: Chico, I'm comin' to you!

RiffTrax on Demand

Cool as Ice

[Monique gives her number to Johnny, played by Vanilla Ice]

Kevin Murphy (as Monique): I love your song Informer. Call me when we can licky boom boom down.

Bill Corbett (as Johnny): I'm not Snow, dammit!

---

[Johnny looks over at Kathy on her horse while riding his motorcycle]

Mike Nelson: Lllllllllllladies.

[Kathy looks back at Johnny]

Mike Nelson: Dooooooooooofus.

---

[Gordon answers the phone]

Gordon Winslow: Hello?

Kevin Murphy: Our property value has plummeted since Vanilla who set foot on it?

---

[Johnny walks up to Kathy and Nick]

Bill Corbett: GAH! Hide your Queen samples!

. . .

Johnny: Drop that zero and get with the hero.

Bill Corbett: The quip that caused a worldwide lameness shortage.

---

[Johnny is wearing a hat in the shape of a condom]

Kevin Murphy (as Johnny): Yo, I changed my name to Reservoir Tip.

A Visit to Santa

[The little girl mumbles her lines]

Bill Corbett: What the hell? Are they speaking in tongues?

---

[The actor playing Santa gives a flat reading of his lines]

Kevin Murphy: Huh. I didn't know that David Lynch made a Christmas film.

---

[An obvious painting of the North Pole]

Narrator: It's just a short hop in the magic helicopter... there it is!

Kevin Murphy: What, behind the painting?

---

[Santa shows the children around the "North Pole"]

Narrator: This little store delights in making all those yum-yum goodies.

Kevin Murphy: Ah, yum-yum my goodies, you mush-mouthed creep.

Reefer Madness (1936)

[A police officer is shown helping teens cross the street]

Mike Nelson: This is one of the reasons we had a dope problem: cops were burning up man-hours at school crossings!

---

[Piano player "Hotfingers" Piralli]

Mike Nelson: An early Kramer prototype!

---

[We see a close-up of Hotfingers smoking a joint]

Mike Nelson: Dope-o, the fifth Marx Brother.

---

[Extreme close-up of Hotfingers as he plays a piano]

Mike Nelson: And nobody notices that the piano player is going bat-shit insane.

---

[A crowd gathers around a man who has just been run over by Jimmy, driving high on marijuana]

Mike Nelson: It's important to move the victim's severed spine just after an accident.

---

[Bill Harper comes out of a room. The scene fades to a close-up of him]

Mike Nelson: As you see, their inept filmmaking makes it seem as if he's dreaming of himself doing the same thing at the exact same time as it's happening.

The Three Stooges in Color

[Coming back from "Malice in the Palace"]

Mike Nelson: Well, hello, and a hardy "knyuck knyuck" to you all. You know, one of the most enduring myths about The Three Stooges is that they make men wet themselves with laughter but women avoid them like the black death.

Bill Corbett: Well, I think we can put that little truism to rest once and for all today, Mike, because with us today we have an actual Three Stooges-loving woman. Woman!

Mike Nelson: That's right. Woman?

[Kevin enters, in drag]

Mike Nelson: Oh, and we forgot to mention that Kevin had to go wash his back...

Bill Corbett: Down at the gas station.

Mike Nelson: Right.

Bill Corbett: Woman!

Kevin Murphy: Yes?

Mike Nelson: Hello, woman.

Kevin Murphy: Hi.

Bill Corbett: How's it hangin', woman?

Kevin Murphy: Just fine.

Mike Nelson: So, woman... you're a big fan of the Three Stooges, right?

Kevin Murphy: I think they're great.

Bill Corbett: And you are a woman, right, woman? No penis on you at all?

Kevin Murphy: No.

Mike Nelson: Could you say that to the camera, please?

Kevin Murphy: No penis. I have no penis.

Bill Corbett: That's what we thought.

House on Haunted Hill (1959)

[Vincent Price's character's skeleton rises from the pool of acid after his wife and her lover murder him]

Mike Nelson: Hey, honey, remember when I said I wanted to bone you?

---

Bill Corbett: If you come across a barely talking dog and some meddling kids, shoot to kill.

Frankenstein Island

[After two henchmen wave their tridents at another henchman while sparks fly, the latter suddenly has fangs.]

Mike Nelson: Fangs – one of the many side-effects of electrocution.

...

Bill Corbett: Yeah, that'll teach you to ask the director what the hell is going on!

---

[The camera pulls back from the adventurers who've discovered that all the island's inhabitants have disappeared.]

Mike Nelson: So, what did happen to Mrs. Frankenstein and her robot henchmen and her bikini slaves and her invalid husband and his backup brain?

Kevin Murphy: What the hell are you talking about, Mike?

Bill Corbett: Yeah! We were watching a film about a guy who roams the old West on the back of a buffalo.

Mike Nelson: Yeah, nice try.

RiffTrax Live

Miami Connection (1987)

[Jeff glares as John and Jane exchange a kiss]

Bill Corbett: Nobody kisses my sister like that but me.

---

[Jane is in her computer programming class]

Mike Nelson: Meanwhile, in a DeVry commercial...

---

[the club manager and the head of the rival band argue loudly]

Bill Corbett: Mozart and Salieri used to yell at each other like this.

---

[establishing shot of "Bayside" flags]

Mike Nelson: Whoa, Bayside High has become its own nation-state.

Kevin Murphy: That's right, Generalissimo Belding runs a cruel, despotic regime. Hail Belding!

---

[the Dragon Sound members eat dinner at their friend's restaurant]

Kevin Murphy: (to tune of Dragon Sound's "Friends") Friends through dinnertime, breakfast time, lunchtime, friends together through snack time too...

---

[Dragon Sound performs "Against the Ninja"]

Dragon Sound: Tae kwon! Tae kwon!

Mike Nelson: Jiu-jitsu! Kung fu!

Dragon Sound: Tae kwon! Tae kwon!

Kevin Murphy: Greco-Roman wrestling!

Dragon Sound: Tae kwon! Tae kwon!

Bill Corbett: Mixed martial arts and foxy boxing!

Kevin Murphy: Yeah!

. . .

Jane: (singing) Against the ninja...

Mike Nelson: (singing) Put me down for 20 bucks...

All: (singing) Against the ninja!

---

[the Dragon Sound members drive home]

Bill Corbett: Yes, folks. They all live in the same house.

Kevin Murphy: (to tune of "Friends") Friends through eternity, sharin' the utilities, pickin' pubic hairs off the soap...

Space Mutiny (1988)

[a Bellarian looks seductively at the camera]

Mike Nelson: (in a smoky voice) Bellarians are waiting for your call right now.

---

[the riffers unveil new Dave Ryder nicknames]

Mike Nelson: Lunk Drywall!

Kevin Murphy: Stiff Shankstone!

Bill Corbett: Thump Pectwich!

Mike Nelson: Max Roidrage!

Bill Corbett: Pork Shoulderman!

. . .

[Ryder and Lea have sex]

Bill Corbett: (luridly) Storm... Sexwant!

Kevin Murphy: (luridly) Blitz... Thrustmore!

Mike Nelson: (sadly) Flex... Limpshaft.

Kevin Murphy: Awww!

. . .

Dave Ryder: Let's get out there and kick some ass!

[crew members cheer]

Kevin Murphy: Lunch Smackmeat!

Bill Corbett: Flex Beefcookie!

Mike Nelson: Dickie MacDougall!

Kevin Murphy: Huh?

MacPhearson: Asshole.

Bill Corbett: No, you're doing it wrong! Try more like: Beef... McLargeAsshole!

. . .

Mike Nelson: Tank Handspread!

Kevin Murphy: Beef Brisket!

Bill Corbett: Rough Bulgenugget!

Mike Nelson: Hump Vandersquat!

Mike Nelson: Crash Facepunch!

Bill Corbett: Punch Punchface!

Bill Corbett: Burl Bigsweat!

Kevin Murphy: Clint Kettlebells!

Mike Nelson: Buck Pumastallion!

Bill Corbett: Burpee McCrossfit!

Kevin Murphy: Gunner Battlepants!

Mike Nelson: Luke Rockhold!

Kevin Murphy: Knob Knockwurst!

Bill Corbett: Bulk Benchpress!

Mike Nelson: Bacon von Meatwich!

Bill Corbett: Slab Speedrun!

Bill Corbett: Rusty Railingkill!

Kevin Murphy: Boaty McBoatface!

External links

• Rifftrax
• Rifftrax Live Events