ACBC Counseling - Question 18

18. (Case Study) Emily is “Convinced that God is telling her to divorce Tim.” Write out your
word-for-word response to Emily on this matter. In your response, be sure to address the themes of
biblical decision-making and permission for divorce and remarriage.
• Overview
o Introduction
o How Do I Know If God Is Talking to Me? (Biblical Decision-Making)
o When Is Divorce and Re-Marriage Permissible?
o Is God Telling Emily to Divorce Tim?
o How Do I Approach Answering This Exam Question?
I. Introduction
A. Background:
1. Tim and Emily come from a church across town and have asked to meet you because of some
help that you offered their friends several months ago. They are coming because of a persistent
problem they have had in their marriage. They explain that in their six years of marriage Tim
has always had a “short fuse.” He regularly “loses it” when he comes home from work which
fills the evenings with tense communication. Their weeks are filled with arguments about
everything from dinner being ready on time, to whether they should have kids. Tim thinks Emily
is a good wife, admits the problems are his fault, but says he just doesn’t know how to “maintain
control.” About a year ago Tim went berserk screaming at Emily, kicking the kitchen table and
throwing plates on the floor in response to Emily’s complaint that he came home late without
calling. Emily was always uncomfortable with Tim’s previous pattern of outbursts, but this was
different. She was truly scared. Tim was too. In tears she told Tim that something had to
change.

Tim talked to his pastor who told him that he needed to see a professional therapist. Tim
followed the advice and made an appointment with the Christian counselor whom his pastor
recommended. Tim met with the therapist for a few sessions, who ultimately recommended he
see a psychiatrist for medical care. When Tim met with the psychiatrist, he was told that he had
bi-polar disorder and began to take the medications prescribed by the physician.

Tim was initially discouraged to learn that he had a disease that would likely last his entire life,
but he was thankful to have a plan to deal with problem. Emily was also encouraged that there
was now at least something they could do.

Their encouragement quickly gave way, however, when after several months on the medication
Tim had still not really changed. While his temperament seemed milder in general the loss of
control, and screaming were still present. It was at this point that Emily began to regret ever
marrying Tim. All the arguments together with the couple’s lack of children were taking their
toll. She realized she was in a marriage that she did not want to be in, but didn’t think she had
any options.

Then last week Tim “went completely crazy.” Emily suggested on a Saturday morning that Tim
should cut the grass because he had not done it the week before. Tim did more than scream and
throw things this time. As he yelled and became more “worked up” he threw the phone at Emily.
He missed her, knocking a hole in the wall, but they both knew he had crossed a line. Emily said
she couldn’t take it anymore and wanted out of the marriage. She told him that if something
didn’t change very quickly, she was going to leave. That is when he reached out to his friend
who recommended you.

Tim and Emily both profess faith in Christ and relate their testimonies of conversion in their teen
years. Both are also terribly discouraged. Tim doesn’t know how to treat Emily better since he
is “plagued” by this disease. Emily loves Tim and would like their marriage to work, but she is
worn out with the lack of change. She feels badly about wanting to leave because she knows he
has an illness, but she is increasingly convinced that God is telling her to divorce Tim.

1
 ACBC Counseling - Question 18

B. Observations from this background that are relevant to this question:

1. Both Tim and Emily want their marriage to work.
a. They have sought multiple means of counseling and even medical
intervention to bring fix their marriage issues.
b. They have not given up, and continue to seek help.
2. Tim’s lack of self-control and outbursts of anger have been persistent problems
throughout their marriage.
3. Emily has become incredibly discouraged. She has begun reluctantly saying
that something must change because she cannot continue to live under these
conditions.
a. Emily says that she is in a marriage that she doesn’t want to be in.
b. Emily said she cannot take it anymore and wants out of the marriage.
c. Emily has been seeking all her options, including separation and divorce,
but doesn’t know if she has any.
1) Emily is increasingly convinced that God is telling her to divorce
Tim.
II. How Do I Know If God Is Talking to Me? (Biblical Decision-Making)
A. In counseling, you may hear your counselees say something like, “God told me to...” In
most mainstream Christian circles, these statements sound quite spiritual and
authoritative. To the trained Biblical counselor, this phrase should sound the ALARM!
1. This common phrase, “God told me...” should immediately raise red flags for
us Biblical counselors. In fact, I would recommend stopping wherever we are
in the counseling process and addressing it. We should ask, “What did you
mean when you said this?” or “Tell me more about this statement you made.”
We should gather more information about this statement and correct it
immediately.
2. As discussed in Questions #2 & #3 of the Theological Exam, we know that the
Scriptures are sufficient for all things (2 Tim 3:16-17). Furthermore, we know
that since the Scriptures are inspired by God, inerrant, and completely
sufficient for salvation and godliness, there is no need for further or continued
revelation, especially individualized revelation.
a. 1 Thessalonians 5:19-22 Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise
prophecies, but test everything; hold fast to what is good. Abstain from
every form of evil.
b. 1 Timothy 6:20 O Timothy, guard the deposit entrusted to you. Avoid
the irreverent babble and contradictions of what is falsely called
“knowledge,” for by professing it some have swerved from the faith.
c. 1 John 4:1 Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see
whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into
the world.

2
 ACBC Counseling - Question 18

B. What about God opening a door?

1. Colossians 4:3 At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open to us a
door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ, on account of which I am in
prison—
a. Adams “It is dangerous to assume God is guiding one into a certain
pathway because of circumstances look advantageous. Some open doors
lead to elevator shafts!” He continue, “This is dangerous; there is no
infallible, inerrant, human interpretation of circumstances. Thus God is
not guiding by them; remember, His guidance is inerrant.” 1
1) James 1:2-4 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials
of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith
produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect,
that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
b. Adams “The position of the ‘door’ must be interpreted, and in the
circumstances itself there is nothing to tell you just how to interpret it. So
circumstances do not guide; they require careful understanding and are
factors in decision-making because the Bible applies circumstances, but
they are not sources of guidance.” 2
c. The danger is interpreting an “open door” as God guiding you to walk
through it. Saying, “Well, God opened the door, so he must have been
leading me this way. . .” This belief is certainly not Biblical.
1) In this verse in Colossians, Paul was asking that God would
provide an opportunity for him to do something that Scripture
commands, spread the Gospel. He was seeking an opportunity,
not a sign to guide him in a decision.
2. Adams “Once you open the route of special, private revelation, all sorts of
chaotic and confusing claims come traveling along it. . . When the door to new,
special revelation is open, there is no telling where the claims to it will end.” 3
C. Where do we turn for guidance from God?
1. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for
teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the
man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.
2. The Word of God was given to us, by God, as our source of wisdom,
knowledge, and standard of truth. It is our guide through trials and troubles and
should be our foundation for decision-making. As Christians, all our thoughts,
motives, desires, goals, etc., should be founded on the Word of God.
a. Adams “If that is how God guides, you must become acquainted with the
Bible. . . God expects you to think. He has given you His Spirit to enable
you to understand the Scriptures.” He goes on to say, “God will not
directly tell you what to do, making your decision for your, because He

1
Jay Adams, The Christian’s Guide to Guidance: How to Make Biblical Decisions in Everyday Life, 36.
2
Jay Adams, The Christian’s Guide to Guidance: How to Make Biblical Decisions in Everyday Life, 37.
3
Jay Adams, The Christian’s Guide to Guidance: How to Make Biblical Decisions in Everyday Life, 52.

3
 ACBC Counseling - Question 18

has already told you how to discover what to do. He has given sufficient
general directions for you to make good decisions, and He expects you to
do so yourself.” 4
b. Adams “God did not leave us some uncertain tradition by which He
expected us to learn His will. He did not tell us to look for signs or to
expect whisperings behind our ears. He did not tell us to expect deep
impressions, feelings or sensings or to look for promptings and checks in
the spirit. Far less did He want us to listen for His voice in prayer or at
any other time in any manner. No, rather, the things that Jesus did and
said (both while here on earth and after His resurrection and ascension
through His apostles) were inscripturated in the Books that we know as
the New Testaments. . . those who conform to the Word (the Bible’s
teaching) will be set apart from others more and more as they continue to
do so. God guides, then, through His Word.” 5
c. Adams “To discover the Lord’s will you should pray for help to
understand and use the Bible in a proper way . . . we have been given an
inerrant and infallible book, which contains all we need by way of
precept and example for living a life pleasing to God.” 6
d. Adams “The Bible is the source of revelation from God and the only sure
guide to pleasing God. Nowhere else can we find His inerrant Word.
Why then should we turn to other sources?” 7
III. When Is Divorce and Re-Marriage Permissible?
A. The Covenant of Marriage
1. Westerberg “Marriage was created by God. In marriage, one man is joined to
one woman to become one flesh. They are joined together by a sacred covenant
made before God, and their union is to last for a lifetime.” 8
a. Genesis 2:23-24 Then the man said, “This is bone of my bones and flesh
of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of
Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold
fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
b. Westerberg “A covenant is a formal agreement of legal validity. It is ‘the
word for the most solemn and most binding agreement known to
mankind.’ 9 . . . The marriage covenant is very solemn because it involves
vows made before God. In fact, it is God Himself who joins a couple
together in their vows.” 10

4
Jay Adams, The Christian’s Guide to Guidance: How to Make Biblical Decisions in Everyday Life, 79.
5
Jay Adams, The Christian’s Guide to Guidance: How to Make Biblical Decisions in Everyday Life, 58-59.
6
Jay Adams, The Christian’s Guide to Guidance: How to Make Biblical Decisions in Everyday Life, 34.
7
Jay Adams, The Christian’s Guide to Guidance: How to Make Biblical Decisions in Everyday Life, 38-39
8
Randy Westerberg, Marriage: A Biblical Perspective, a lecture delivered at Cross Pointe Church: God-Centered
Marriage, 2022.
9
Jay E. Adams, Solving Marriage Problems: Biblical Solutions for Christian Counselors, 23-24.
10
Randy Westerberg, Marriage: A Biblical Perspective, a lecture delivered at Cross Pointe Church: God-Centered
Marriage, 2022.

4
 ACBC Counseling - Question 18

2. Adams “Marriage is a formal (covenantal) arrangement between two persons to

become each other’s loving companions for life. In marriage, they contract to
keep each other from ever being lonely so long as they shall live.” 11
B. Biblical Grounds for Divorce
1. Adams “. . . the concept of divorce has in it the idea of severing the covenantal
relationship that previously existed. Marriage began formally, contractually;
when severed not by death, but by divorce, that is also done formally,
contractually.” 12
2. Adams “The Christian’s stance, then, is that divorce is never desirable, and
(among Christians) it is never inevitable. Reconciliation, as we shall see, is
always possible for believers under the care and discipline of the church. While
permitted for Christians in cases of sexual sin, divorce is never required.” 13
a. Adams “A divorce is the repudiation and breaking of that covenant (or
agreement) in which both parties promised to provide companionship (in
all its ramifications) for one another. A divorce is, in effect, a declaration
that these promises are no longer expected, required or permitted.” 14
3. The only biblically supported causes for divorce are adultery (Matt 5:32) and
abandonment of an unbeliever (1 Cor 7:15).
a. Adultery
1) Matthew 5:32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his
wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her
commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman
commits adultery.
b. An Unbeliever seeking a divorce
1) 1 Corinthians 7:15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let
it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God
has called you to peace.
c. Domestic Abuse, Spousal Abuse, or Willful Abandonment.
1) Constructive Abandonment occurs when an individual abuses his
or her spouse to such a degree that the abusers’ actions, fierce
and cruel behaviors, indicate that they have abandoned the
marriage covenant even while they yet have not physically left
and instead remain physically present.
2) Willful Abandonment is not referring to the home, but the
marriage covenant. An individual can remain in the home but
completely abandoned the marriage covenant.

11
Jay Adams, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the Bible: A Fresh Look at What Scripture Teaches, 13.
12
Jay Adams, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the Bible: A Fresh Look at What Scripture Teaches, 32.
13
Jay Adams, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the Bible: A Fresh Look at What Scripture Teaches, 31.
14
Jay Adams, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the Bible: A Fresh Look at What Scripture Teaches, 32.

5
 ACBC Counseling - Question 18

i. 1 Corinthians 7:15 would apply in this situation so long

as:
1. Biblical Counseling has been sought and
enthusiastically implemented,
2. Church discipline has been exercised, and
3. The abuser has rejected the biblical counsel,
continued in his sinful ways, and has been
disciplined by the church, rendering him an
unbeliever (Matt 18:17).
IV. Is God Telling Emily to Divorce Tim?
A. Emily is “Convinced that God is telling her to divorce Tim.”
1. To know for sure, we cannot look to circumstances, nor can we look to strong
urges. We must look to the Word of God, the Bible, to know what God has
willed for our loves.
a. Matthew 5:32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife,
except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery,
and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
1) Based on the information provided in the background, Emily
does not have biblical grounds for seeking a divorce due to
adultery.
b. 1 Corinthians 7:15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so.
In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to
peace.
1) Based on the information provided in the background, Emily
does not have biblical ground for seeking a divorce due to the
abandonment of an unbeliever or willful or constructive
desertion.
i. Tim and Emily both seem to want to work things out.
1. Tim has reached out to his Pastor, met with a
Christian counselor, spoken to a psychiatrist,
took medications, sought advice from his
friends, and is now sitting in front of you, a
biblical counselor, to get help with his marriage
and his issues.
2. Emily loves Tim and wants to make things
work. She has continually worked to make their
marriage work. She is extremely discouraged
and has begun feeling hopeless like her marriage
is a lost cause. She wants something to change
quickly, but she desires reconciliation, not
separation.

6
 ACBC Counseling - Question 18

B. Based on the information provided in the background, along with an examination of that
information against what the Scriptures teach, I would say that there are not biblical
grounds for divorce and, therefore, that God is not telling her to get a divorce.
V. How Do I Approach Answering This Exam Question?
A. Spirit of Gentleness:
1. Galatians 6:1 Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are
spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself,
lest you to be tempted.
B. After Self-reflection:
1. Matthew 7:3-5 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do
not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother,
‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye?
You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see
clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.
C. Do not rely on your own understanding.
1. Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your
own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make
straight your paths.
D. Test all things to be sure they are Biblical.
1. 1 Thessalonians 5:20-22 Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold
fast to what is good. Abstain from every form of evil.
a. Matthew 5:29-30 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and
throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than
that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes
you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one
of your members than that your whole body go into hell.
2. Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the
renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God,
what is good and acceptable and perfect.
a. 1 Peter 2:15 For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should
put to silence the ignorance of foolish people.
E. Your trials and struggles could have a purpose.
1. James 1:2-4 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various
kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And
let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete,
lacking in nothing.
2. Consider Job...
a. Job 1:21 And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and
naked I shall return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;
blessed be the name of the LORD.”

7
 ACBC Counseling - Question 18

VI. Suggested Reading

A. Jay Adams, The Christian’s Guide to Guidance: How to Make Biblical Decisions in
Everyday Life.
B. Jay Adams, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the Bible: A Fresh Look at What
Scripture Teaches.