ACBC Counseling - Question 16
16. (Case Study) Using biblical categories, what considerations should be made relating to Emily’s
safety? What practical steps can be taken to ensure Emily’s safety?
• Overview
o Introduction
o Overview on Abuse
o Using biblical categories, what considerations should be made about Emily’s safety?
o Practical Steps to Ensure Emily’s Safety
I. Introduction
A. Why is this question important?
1. Biblical counseling holds reconciliation and the restoration of marriages as one
of the highest goals within marriage counseling (Mal 2:16). This lofty goal has,
at times, created the perception, but in other cases actually occurred, that
biblical counselors have recommended or encouraged that wives stay with their
abusive husbands to preserve the covenant of marriage.
2. Encouraging a spouse to stay in an abusive relationship has inherent risks and
can be extremely dangerous. An individual who is abusive toward their spouse
has, in practice, abandoned the marriage covenant, and although they may be
physically present, have so neglected and abandoned their God-ordained roles
within the marriage that they can be thought of as both an unbeliever and that
they have left their spouse (1 Cor 7:15). This does not mean that divorce is
required, but that it is an option for the individual who is being abused.
3. ACBC included this question in 2021 saying, “We did away with the current
question #17 and replaced it with a question regarding Emily’s safety (think
counseling triage in crisis situations like domestic violence).” 1
B. Background:
1. Tim and Emily come from a church across town and have asked to meet you
because of some help that you offered their friends several months ago. They
are coming because of a persistent problem they have had in their marriage.
They explain that in their six years of marriage Tim has always had a “short
fuse.” He regularly “loses it” when he comes home from work which fills the
evenings with tense communication. Their weeks are filled with arguments
about everything from dinner being ready on time, to whether they should have
kids. Tim thinks Emily is a good wife, admits the problems are his fault, but
says he just doesn’t know how to “maintain control.” About a year ago Tim
went berserk screaming at Emily, kicking the kitchen table and throwing plates
on the floor in response to Emily’s complaint that he came home late without
calling. Emily was always uncomfortable with Tim’s previous pattern of
outbursts, but this was different. She was truly scared. Tim was too. In tears
she told Tim that something had to change.
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ACBC, Counseling Exam Revisions, 2021.
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ACBC Counseling - Question 16
Tim talked to his pastor who told him that he needed to see a professional
therapist. Tim followed the advice and made an appointment with the
Christian counselor whom his pastor recommended. Tim met with the
therapist for a few sessions, who ultimately recommended he see a psychiatrist
for medical care. When Tim met with the psychiatrist, he was told that he had
bi-polar disorder and began to take the medications prescribed by the
physician.
Tim was initially discouraged to learn that he had a disease that would likely
last his entire life, but he was thankful to have a plan to deal with problem.
Emily was also encouraged that there was now at least something they could
do.
Their encouragement quickly gave way, however, when after several months
on the medication Tim had still not really changed. While his temperament
seemed milder in general the loss of control, and screaming were still present.
It was at this point that Emily began to regret ever marrying Tim. All the
arguments together with the couple’s lack of children were taking their toll.
She realized she was in a marriage that she did not want to be in, but didn’t
think she had any options.
Then last week Tim “went completely crazy.” Emily suggested on a Saturday
morning that Tim should cut the grass because he had not done it the week
before. Tim did more than scream and throw things this time. As he yelled
and became more “worked up” he threw the phone at Emily. He missed her,
knocking a hole in the wall, but they both knew he had crossed a line. Emily
said she couldn’t take it anymore and wanted out of the marriage. She told him
that if something didn’t change very quickly, she was going to leave. That is
when he reached out to his friend who recommended you.
Tim and Emily both profess faith in Christ and relate their testimonies of
conversion in their teen years. Both are also terribly discouraged. Tim doesn’t
know how to treat Emily better since he is “plagued” by this disease. Emily
loves Tim and would like their marriage to work, but she is worn out with the
lack of change. She feels badly about wanting to leave because she knows he
has an illness, but she is increasingly convinced that God is telling her to
divorce Tim.
C. Observations from this background that are relevant to this question:
1. Lack of self-control:
1) The background indicates that Tim “regularly loses it” when he comes
home from work, causing evenings to be filled with “tense
communication.” These regular arguments are in response to dinner being
ready on time or if they should have children.
2) An outburst of anger that resulted in property damage (breaking dishes and
kicking a table) about a year ago. This outburst of anger was in response to
Emily’s concern for Tim coming home late and not calling to let her know.
3) The most recent outburst of anger and outright violence toward Emily
occurred last week, when he “went completely crazy,” and threw his phone
at Emily, missing her, but putting a hole in the wall.
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ACBC Counseling - Question 16
2. Fear:
1) Emily said that she was always uncomfortable with Tim’s previous
habitual pattern of outbursts of anger, but after the incident with the dishes
and the kitchen table, “she is truly scared.”
II. Overview of Abuse
A. ACBC Statement on Abuse “Biblical counselors must care for counselees in protecting
the weak from harm. Counselees can be harmed by others and can inflict harm on
themselves. Biblical counselors avoid sinful language and behavior that brings harm into
the lives of their counselees. Biblical counselors understand that it is impossible to
protect the weak from every danger in a fallen world and yet they endeavor to protect
counselees from exposure to the harmful treatment of others through false teaching,
unbiblical counseling, harsh speech, abusive treatment, and any other manifestation of
sinful relationships. And they actively seek to protect counselees from harm through their
own persistent sin.” 2
B. Westerberg “The physical or psychological maltreatment of a spouse. Specifically, to
mistreat, hurt, injure, harm, damage, abuse, or neglect a spouse, or to use or attack with
harsh, critical, or insulting language.” 3
C. Some consequences of Spousal Abuse are divorce, broken families, bitterness and
resentment, physical injuries, sadness, and damage to relationships.
1. Mark 3:25 And if a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able
to stand.
2. Galatians 5:15 But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are
not consumed by one another.
III. Using biblical categories, what considerations should be made about Emily’s safety?
A. The Marriage Covenant // Christ and His Church
1. Marriage is meant to be a picture of Christ and the Church.
a. Ephesians 5:22-33 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the
Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head
of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church
is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in
everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the
church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her,
having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He
might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or
wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So
husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who
loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but
nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because
we are members of His body. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL
2
ACBC, Standards of Conduct: III. The Commitment to Care. D.
https://biblicalcounseling.com/about/beliefs/positions/standards-of-conduct/
3
Dr Randy Westerberg, Spousal Abuse, a lecture delivered at Cross Pointe Church: 2019 Biblical Counseling
Conference.
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ACBC Counseling - Question 16
LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS
WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. This mystery is
great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.
Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife
even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
b. When you look at a marriage, at a husband and wife, you should see a
reflection of Christ and His Church. You should see sincere love for one
another, devotion to one another, and a servant’s heart, from both parties,
with one trying to our-serve the other. When a spouse seeks to please
their spouse out of sincere love and devotion, you are witnessing the
Word becoming flesh in them, at that moment.
B. The Biblical Role of the Husband in Marriage
1. Sacrificial Lover
a. Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church
and gave himself up for her,
b. Scott “Christlike love – a selfless and enduring commitment of the
redeemed heart (by faith in Christ – in our thoughts, affections, and
choices) to intentionally care for and benefit the true needs of another
person by righteous, truthful, and compassionate thoughts, words, and
sacrificial actions by the enablement of the Spirit and for the glory of
God.” 4
c. John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his
life for his friends.
2. Sincere Humility
a. Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in
humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you
look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
3. Forgiving Spirit
a. Colossians 3:12-13 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and
beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and
patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against
another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also
must forgive.
4. Servant Leader
a. Piper “Biblical headship is a divine calling of a husband to take primary
responsibility for Christ-like servant leadership, protection, and provision
in the home.” 5
4
Stuart Scott, God’s Design for Husbands, a lecture delivered at Cross Pointe Church: 2021 Biblical Counseling
Conference.
5
John Piper, “A Vision of Biblical Complementarity: Manhood and Womanhood Defined According to the Bible,”
in Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, eds. John Piper and
Wayne Grudem, 52-53.
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ACBC Counseling - Question 16
5. Provider & Protector, both materially and spiritually
a. Ephesians 5:28-30 In the same way husbands should love their wives as
their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever
hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does
the church, because we are members of his body.
1) Psalm 82:3-4 Give justice to the weak and the fatherless;
maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute. Rescue the
weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.
b. 1 Timothy 5:8 But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and
especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is
worse than an unbeliever.
c. Proverbs 24:3-4 By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is
established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and
pleasant riches.
6. Peacemaker
a. 1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding
way, showing honor to the woman as a weaker vessel, since they are
heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be
hindered.
b. Hebrews 12:14-15 Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness
without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to
obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and
causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;
c. Galatians 6:7-8 Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever
one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh
will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit
will from the Spirit reap eternal life.
C. Causes of Fights and Quarrels
1. James 4:1-2 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not
this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so
you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not
have, because you do not ask.
a. Luke 6:45 The good person out of the good treasure of his heart
produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil,
for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
b. Matthew 12:34 You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when
you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
c. Matthew 15:18 But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the
heart, and this defiles a person.
2. Titus 3:1-3 For Remind the believers to submit to rulers and authorities, to be
obedient and ready for every good work, to malign no one, and to be peaceable
and gentle, showing full consideration to everyone. For at one time we too
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ACBC Counseling - Question 16
were foolish, disobedient, misled, and enslaved to all sorts of desires and
pleasures—living in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another.
D. Willful or Constructive Abandonment
1. Constructive Abandonment occurs when an individual abuses his or her spouse
to such a degree that the abusers’ actions, fierce and cruel behaviors, indicate
that they have abandoned the marriage covenant even while they yet have not
physically left and instead remain physically present.
a. Puritan William Ames (1576-1633) – Paraphrased description of
Constructive Abandonment
1) The only biblically supported causes for divorce are adultery
(Matt 5:32) and abandonment of an unbeliever (1 Cor 7:15).
However, there is an instance in which an individual is placed in
great danger by the cruelty and violence from their spouse while
cohabitating that separation for the purposes of safety and
security is necessary. This separation should not be considered
absolute unless the abuser officially abandons the abused.
2) If the abuser drives his or her spouse with great fierceness and
cruelty, there is cause for desertion, and the abuser is considered
the deserter. If the abuser continues to neglect his God-ordained
office within the marriage and does nothing to reconcile with his
spouse, that has sought safety and security from him or her, then
the abuser, even still physically present, should be considered the
deserter of the marriage covenant.
3) Therefore, prolonged willful desertion is also seen as Scriptural
grounds for dissolution of a marriage, and in the case of
necessary separation because of physical danger, the spouse
guilty of cruelty and abandonment of his or her God-ordained
duties is regarded as the deserter.
IV. Practical Steps to Ensure Emily’s Safety
A. Develop a Safety Plan
1. Work with your counselees to develop a safety plan. This area of discussion
may be quite difficult for the couple to discuss openly, so speaking with each
counselee individually might be a good idea (remember to have an advocate or
third-party observer present when speaking with a member of the opposite
sex). Ask the difficult questions. Do you feel safe in your home? Would you
like help to find another place to stay for a few weeks while we work on your
marriage?
a. Whether or not both parties feel comfortable continuing to cohabitate, we
should work with them to identify a friend or family member that either
can stay with on short notice, just in case something happens. The friend
or family member does not have to be the same one for both Tim and
Emily.
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ACBC Counseling - Question 16
2. Remind each counselee that if they believe they are in danger, physically,
emotionally, or psychologically, to call 911 immediately! Safety and Security
are paramount. Everything else can be sorted out later.
a. If they choose to continue to cohabitate, but things start to get out of
control again, get out of the house, out of the danger zone, and get
somewhere safe.
b. Romans 13:1-4 Let every person be subject to the governing authorities.
For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been
instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what
God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. For rulers
are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of
the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive
his approval, for he is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong,
be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of
God, an avenger who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer.
B. Establish Biblical Boundaries within the Marriage
1. The Four Rules of Communication 6
a. Be Honest
1) Ephesians 4:25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each
one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members
one of another.
b. Keep Current
1) Ephesians 4:26-27 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun
go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.
2) We should encourage our counselees to handle matter when they
come up, rather than letting them fester under the surface or
establish roots.
c. Attack the problem, not the person.
1) All communication should be from a spirit of unity, designed to
build each other up, and directed at solving the problem.
i. Ephesians 4:29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your
mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits
the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
1. All communication, especially what is said,
should be rooted in the heart attitude of building
one another up, rather than tearing one another
down. If it’s not productive to the discussion, do
not say it! Even if it’s true!
6
Rob Green, The Four Rules of Communication. Biblical Counseling Training Conference lecture notes. Faith
Church Lafayette, Indiana; 2008.
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ACBC Counseling - Question 16
2) Words can hurt people. They are harmful and can cause
significant harm.
i. James 3:5-8 So also the tongue is a small member, yet it
boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze
by such a small fire! And the tongue is set among our
members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the
entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every
kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can
be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human
being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of
deadly poison.
3) Words can encourage and build others up.
i. Ephesians 4:15 Rather, speaking the truth in love, we
are to grow up in every way into him who is the head,
into Christ,
d. Act, don’t react.
1) Ephesians 4:31-32 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and
clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.
Be kind to one another, forgiving one another, as God in Christ
forgave you.
i. As we saw in James, words can be harmful and
devasting to a relationship. Rather than reacting to
someone’s sinful communication with further sinful
communication, literally returning evil for evil, be kind
to one another, and forgive one another. Rather than
using this situation as an opportunity for the devil, use is
as an opportunity to grow, for your own edification
(James 1:2-4).
2. Avoid emotion-based responses to conflicts and arguments.
a. Arguments that are founded on emotions can get nasty quickly, causing
significant pain for both parties, as evidenced by their background
information. Agreeing to take a break when things get intense could be a
great step toward avoiding another explosion.
1) 1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not
common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be
tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also
provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
2) Proverbs 25:28 A man without self-control is like a city broken
into and left without walls.
3) Proverbs 29:11 A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise
man quietly holds it back.
C. Establish a Plan for Reconciliation
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ACBC Counseling - Question 16
1. If Emily does feel unsafe in the home and feels separation is appropriate and
reasonable, then develop a reconciliation plan. A plan like this could be used
whether they are cohabitating or not.
a. A reconciliation plan should be individualized and fluid (meaning you
can modify it as needed). It should be clear and have agreed-upon steps
that should be met for reconciliation to occur.
2. Westerberg provided this as an example, “If you lose control, go to your spouse
and confess your sin, repent, and seek forgiveness.” 7 This should be done
earnestly, sincerely, and with a genuine desire for the restoration of their
marriage.
a. Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such
things there is no law.
D. Encourage Tim to take responsibility for his sinful outbursts of anger rather than blaming
them on an illness.
1. This topic will be addressed at length in Counseling Exam – Question #20.
V. Suggested Resources
A. Heath Lambert, "A Personal Statement on Abuse," Association of Certified Biblical
Counselors (May 8, 2018). Available at: https://biblicalcounseling.com/resource-
library/conference-messages/a-personal-statement-on-abuse/
B. Randy Westerberg, Spousal Abuse, a lecture delivered at Cross Pointe Church: 2019
Biblical Counseling Conference. Available at:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1DtHHQ0x_9EZLYTMsJiQuED_lWYaT8mVm/view
C. Dale Johnson & Heath Lambert, Protecting Abused Women, from the Podcast
"Truth in Love 154" delivered on May 29, 2018. Available at:
https://biblicalcounseling.com/resource-library/podcast-episodes/til-154-protecting-
abused-women/
D. Heath Lambert & Amy Evenson (Cross Pointe Alum), Restoration After Abuse, from
the Podcast "Truth in Love 45" delivered on April 5, 2017. Available at:
https://biblicalcounseling.com/resource-library/podcast-episodes/til-045-restoration-
after-abuse/
7
Dr Randy Westerberg, Spousal Abuse, a lecture delivered at Cross Pointe Church: 2019 Biblical Counseling
Conference.
