Video Feedback Analysis
In order to improve effectively, it is vital that you overcome your KEY MISTAKES.
Listen to the feedback carefully, take notes and update your IELTS Advantage
Progress Record. If you haven’t already started a progress record, you can
download one by clicking here.
Make sure you take time and effort to avoid making the same key mistakes again
BEFORE you write your next essay.
Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing
the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little
effect on public health and that other measures are required.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
It is often said that we simply need to have more sporting centers venues to promote
good health in the community. There are others, however, who believe that it would
will not be of much use, and there must be other convincing ways. I agree with the
latter view.
You haven’t outlined 2 specific main ideas.
The construction of more buildings dedicated for physical training would surely offer
more places for local residents to exercise. Unsurprisingly, as it would be is easier to
find a suitable spot to play do sports, people would will naturally be more willing to
engage in those activities on a regular basis. Furthermore, the more gyms that are
being opened, the more likely that costs for memberships would will stay low
because those gyms tend to target the masses - those whose incomes are should
not be too high. This affordability, convienently conveniently, adds to the magnetism
of sporting grounds for many people, thereby making the doing sports more
attractive.
You should have one FULLY DEVELOPED idea here (and an opinion statement at
the end); I’ll explain.
Having said that, the argument above is by no means the best approach. To be more
specific, it only works for those who are already aware of the benefits that sports can
bring but lack the opportunity to actually take one up. To the ones that pay no
attention to their well-being in the first place, having a wide range of choices for
sporting aminities amenities would barely make a difference if they never intend to
use those facilities. In order to truly promote overall good community communal
health, we should start by from instilling a sense of discipline and providing basic
knowledge about staying healthy to people, preferably from a young age since they
are young. In this way, even a lack of equipment would not deter people from playing
sports as they would be are driven enough to find a way to do so under somewhat
undesirable circumstances.
Structure issues here, and you’ve not provided an example; I’ll explain.
In conclusion, while opening more sports facilities could can encourage people in the
community to do sports to a certain extent, it must be coupled with educating people
so as to form a holistic approach.
Your opinion could be clearer.
(320 words)
Key mistakes: development and structure / introduction / tenses
Sample Answer
It is often argued that expanding the number of sports facilities is the most
appropriate way of boosting the health of the general public, while others feel that this
is not a viable solution and believe other steps are needed. This essay argues that
although the convenience of having more sports complexes may motivate wealthier
individuals to exercise, more people would get fit if the government offered financial
incentives.
A greater number of sports centres would make exercise more convenient by making
facilities more accessible to citizens. People would travel shorter distances to reach
them, which would encourage more people to participate. Moreover, the demand for
each facility would decrease, so people would wait less time to use them. For
example, in Dublin there are very few tennis courts and people have to book weeks
in advance, which can discourage people from playing. However, this essay believes
that memberships for sports clubs are often expensive, so they do not appeal to
everyone.
Instead of building more sports centres, governments should offer financial incentives
to motivate people to be healthier. While sports centres may benefit wealthier people,
tax breaks would appeal to those who might be discouraged by costly gym
membership fees. One way of doing this is by offering tax rebates to those who cycle
to work. For example, in the UK, the Cycle to Work scheme provides employees with
financial benefits to spend on buying bicycles to cycle to work instead of driving. I
believe money can incentivise those who may be reluctant to pay to attend sports
centres.
In conclusion, although an increased number of sports facilities may influence some
people to exercise by making it more convenient, I believe that government initiatives
to encourage citizens to live healthier lives would better improve public health.
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