The Canadian Magazine of Speculative Writing

FALL 1995 ($4.50 US) $4.95

MW AHN

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 imavinaL worlds nt | TOGO 11
Ulta tal } WU a) ULL es ved)

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 rr
VIP ret
FICTION

Third: Time: LUCKY siccin semeeanssetereeias Taya. UTE sacs casmessceataatnas

tases 12
BOM CS selracesinqeeveenenen
expense ecnemm ewes Jason Kapalka s scccxessecevsaceokess 25
The Monk and the Old Idol ........... Jamie Findlay «adsisuiamnssas seecaus 32
ADOUE FACE iin skscnrccunsnnedonersedenisecstedess Susan MacGregor............ee0e0 42
Dinosaur Dreams <accasvecsesvesarascesstars Erik Jon Spigel.............::ceee 52
A Much Updated Ruin .........0:ce IBs SCUSIZZ ire, sovcste sonslanaenigtans 65
ADE EVER ALLER scsssastssvcotnstesnensaureuenesnas Laurie Channer .................0000 76

POETRY

Three Things | Used to Know.......... KV. SKENG sanariacavaeeees au sates 51

Winter ACOMIte ..........cccccccccceeeeeeeeetees Sandra Kasturi ...............000000 74

ART

ON! thE Wall cates cxconscmsunteceeeeiassneess Tim: Hammell. .cccsescsncscecfoedesa 6

OWN THE BBB canis iessaid stacnuradoasiruadoer: JON DAWES senses wescannidasmencss 91

NONFICTION

ON This: [S8UG es
scassceasnocescrmocnnsastvecein: Jena: SHYOEM scixtecitycinecaueammensns 3
ASK MP. SCIGICE: ciisn tanstscs tance dvbauntcunes compiled by Al Betz ............. 83
ON WIRHEAS sescensssaies
pean Scantanleetsieemetaaed Robert J. Sawyer ..........cccceeee 84
Look What You’re Missing! ............. Back Issue Listings ................ 87
ON COMMS semncnsenossoutsonssnessveuescumpaatanes Canadian Convention Listings ..... 88
Subscriptions & Merchandise........... COIN SSPEC ncesntte haetecirtin sect aerate 95

Cover ©1995 Lynne Taylor Fahnestalk

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ON SPEC Volume 7, Issue 3 (#22), Fall 1995. ©1995 The Copper Pig Writers’ Society. All
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2 ON SPEG, FALL 1993
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ON this Issue
ON SPEC
Jena Snyder, Production Editor
is published quarterly through the
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“Science-fiction magazine success
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no fantasy” society. Editorial address: The
Editors, ON SPEC Magazine, Box
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Years] in The Toronto Star (August 19, Magazine Publishers’ Association.
1995). Mietkiewicz calls it “one of the
year’s strongest collections of fantasy PUBLISHER
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Kapalka; “Why | Hunt Flying Saucers,” EDITORIAL COLLECTIVE
by Hugh A. D. Spencer; “Three Moral Barry Hammond
Tales,” by Dirk L. Schaeffer; and “Wa- Susan MacGregor
ter,” by Keith Scott. The piece also con- Jena Snyder
tains an interview with Cath Jackel. Diane L. Walton
Thanks to Jean-Louis Trudel for forward-
ing this good news!
GUEST EDITOR
e
Derryl Murphy
Apologies to DERRYL MURPHY,
who should have been credited as
ART DIRECTORS
Guest Editor for our Summer issue. We
Jane Starr
were too busy doing the headless
chicken dance over the anthology to James Beveridge
keep our dates straight!
e
PRODUCTION EDITOR
ABOUT OUR COVER ARTIST: Jena Snyder
LYNNE TAYLOR FAHNESTALK has
been illustrating and designing profes- PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
sionally for over 15 years. She recently Chris Jackel
completed 3 years as Art Director for
ON SPEC and has twice won the Aurora ADMINISTRATOR
Award for artistic achievement. Her art- Cath Jackel
work will be included on a soon-to-be-
released CD-ROM and she is busy sell- PUBLISHER’S ASSISTANT
ing silly penguin art as fast as she can Karen Desgagne
yank it off the old drawing board. ¢
4 ON SPEC, FALL 1995

ON SPEC An anthology that

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OUT OF THIS WORLD

May 31/96, Aug. 31/96

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ON the Wall: TIM HAMMELL
Winner of the 1994 Aurora Award for Artistic Achievement

GALLERY FEATURE

TIM HAMMELL of Loose Cannon Studios has been doing SF art

for just ever, and this year finally won the coveted Aurora for
artistic achievement.
Born in Calgary in 19XX, he returned there in 1992 and has been making his
living, he realized recently, solely as an artist. With real art, not boring graphic de-
sign or dorky little airbrush jobs taking Uncle Mel out of wedding photos ‘cause he
had too many drinks, embarrassed the bride and the family and they don’t want to
see him any more. Much of Tim’s income is derived from Crossover collaborations
with several of the top professional photographers in Calgary.
In addition to the Aurora (for which he would like to thank all the people he helped
get one by art directing their work in ON SPEC for finally getting out of the damn
way), he was awarded Airbrush and Print Enhancement Best of Class trophies by
the Alberta Professional Photographers Association.
Somewhat of a loose cannon in the photographic field (hence the studio name),
he routinely works on photograph prints that have a value of upwards of $1000 before
he touches them. As his studio name indicates, Tim will paint anything. He’s done
everything from Cath Jackel (her real self) to motorcycle helmets to museum models.
Among his recent accomplishments is the largest commission of his career, the
ceiling and wall murals of the Alberta Ballroom of the Palliser Hotel. He designed
ihe “horror Easter eggs” for the film Black Easter being shot in New York state, and
has turned his hand to writing: Femmes Fatales magazine published and paid him
for his interview with actress June Wilkinson last summer; an article on Crossovers
in the national magazine of the Professional Photographers of Canada; and the pre-
miere issue of Visions magazine has his article on the digital SF series REBOOT
(which he says if you haven’t watched, you should).
Currently, he is beginning work on an $18,000 Crossover piece for the new
Harley-Davidson of Southern Alberta dealership.
Rather than reprinting a collection of past “created images” for this Aurora gal-
lery, Tim decided, not easily, to submit sketches based on some of his darker dreams.
This is real inner mind stuff, personal, mysterious, and somewhat unnerving to have
printed for public consumption. He hasn’t analyzed the images to see what they
might mean, and presents them as they occurred to him (given the limitations of
the sketch form). ¢
8 ON THE WALL: TIM HAMMELL

©1995 Tim Hammell

 ON THE WALL: TIM HAMMELL 9

RSQ
=

SEN
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ay
TUM.

Ye

©1995 Tim Hammell

10 ON THE WALL: TIM HAMMELL

ONE SEQUENCE FROM A LONGER DREAM — | HAD 76

PRINT MY NAME ON EVERY PEBBLE ON THE BEACH
BEFeCRE /COULD SEE...
©1995 Tim Hammell
 ON THE WALL: TIM HAMMELL 11

\\

ete © FY

©19
 THIRD TIME LUCKY

Tanya Huff
illustrated by James Beveridge

The lizard had no idea it was being observed as it lay on top of the low
coral wall, its mouth slightly open, its eyes unfocused golden jewels.
Its only concern was with the warmth of the spring sun—not that the
spring sun was much different from the winter sun.

“The real difference,” Magdelene explained every spring to a variety of sweat-

ing guests, “is that it goes from being hot to being damned hot.”
“How can you stand it?” one visitor had panted, languidly fanning himself with
a palm leaf.
Magdelene’s grey eyes had crinkled at the corners. “I like it hot.” And she’d
licked her lips.
The visitor, a handsome young nobleman who'd been sent south by his father
until a small social infraction blew over, spent the rest of his life wondering if he’d
misunderstood.
The lizard liked it hot as well.
Silk, Magdelene’s cat, did not. She was expecting her first litter of kittens and
between the extra weight and the heat she was miserable. She did, however, like
lizards.
The lizard never knew what hit him. One moment he was peacefully enjoying
the sun, the next he was dangling upside down between uncomfortably sharp teeth
being carried into the garden where he was suddenly and painfully dropped. He
was stunned for a moment, then scuttled as fast as he could for the safety that beck-
oned from under a broken piece of tile.
He didn’t make it.
Twice more he was lifted, carried, and dropped. Finally he turned, raised his
head, and hissed at his tormentor.
Which was quite enough for Silk. She lunged with dainty precision, bit the
lizard’s head off, then made short work of the rest of it.
“Are you sure you should be eating lizards in your condition?” Magdelene asked.
14 THIRD TIME LUCKY
The crunching of tiny bones had dis- ever, still unusual to see her lose the
tracted her attention from her book. argument.
Silk merely licked her lips disdain- Occasionally it was useful to have
fully and stalked away, her distended Magdelene for a neighbor.
belly swaying from side to side.
Magdelene laughed and returned to “Carlos, there’s a dragon in the har-
the story. It was a boring tale of two bor.”
men adventuring in the land of the The village headman sighed and
Djinn, but the friend who had brought looked at the three heaps of kindling
it to her had gone to a great deal of that had been fishing boats a very short
trouble and books were rare—even time before. It had been a miracle that
with that printing device they had come all six fishermen had survived. “Yes,
up with in the east—so she read it. M’lady, | know.”
“Mistress, will you be eating in the “I guess,” Magdelene mused, squint-
garden today?” ing into the wind, her skirt and the two
“Please, Kali. It'll be happening scarves she had wrapped around her
soon; | want to enjoy the peace while breasts snapping and dancing about
I can.” her, “I should go out and talk to him.”
“Happening again, Mistress?” “Ill ready my boat.” The headman
“Some people never learn, Kali.” turned to go but Magdelene held up her
“One can hope, Mistress,” Kali hand.
sniffed and went back in the house to “Don’t bother,” she said. “Boats are
prepare lunch. tippy, unstable little things. I’ll walk.”
“One always hopes,” Magdelene And she did. She got wet to about
sighed, “but it doesn’t seem to do much the knees—the swells made for uneven
good.” footing—but while the villagers
She had lived in the turquoise house watched in awe, (she’d never done that
on the hill for as long as anyone in the before) she walked out until she stood,
fishing village that held her closest bobbing gently up and down with the
neighbors could remember. Great- waves, about five body-lengths from
grandmothers had told little children the dragon.
how, when they were young, their “Well?” she asked.
great-grandmothers had told them that “Gertz?” replied the huge silver sea-
she had always been there. She had dragon, extraordinarily puzzled. This
been there so long, in fact, that the vil- was outside his experience as well. He
lagers took her presence for granted turned his head so he could fix her in
and treated her much the same way as one opalescent eye.
they treated the wind and the coral reef Magdelene put her hands on her
and the sea: with a friendly respect. It hips.
had taken them longer to accept Kali “Go on,” she said firmly. “Shoo!”
and the visible difference of red eyes The dragon, recognizing the voice of
and ivory horns, but that too had come authority, however casual, suddenly
in time. It had been years since it was decided there was much better fishing
considered unusual to see the demon further south, and left.
housekeeper in the marketplace argu- The villagers cheered as Magdelene
ing over the price of fish. It was, how- stepped back into the sand. She
 TANYA HUFF 15
grinned and curtsied, not gracefully but He wasn’t sure what he’d expected but
enthusiastically, then waved a hand at it wasn’t a forty-year-old woman with
the wreckage. Wood, rope, canvas, laughing eyes and a sunburned nose
and the few bits of metal received in who was barely dressed.
trade for fish, shuddered, stirred, then “I’m looking,” he said stiffly, stop-
danced themselves back into fishing ping his small troop at the gate in the
boats. coral wall, “for Magdelene, the Wiz-
Everyone stared in silent surprise. ard.”
This was more than they’d dared hope “You're looking at her.” Magdelene
for. liked large, well-muscled men with
“We don’t know how to thank you,” grizzled beards—even if they were
the headman began, but his wife inter- wearing too much clothing—so she
rupted. gave the captain her best smile.
“Just say it, for Netos’ sake,” she The captain showed no visible reac-
muttered, knowing her husband’s ten- tion but behind him, young Colin
dency to orate at the slightest provoca- smiled back. The most powerful wiz-
tion. “The Lady knows what she’s ard in the world reminded him of his
done, she doesn’t need you telling Aunt Maya.
her.” “lam here to take you to Bokta...”
Carlos sighed. “Thank you.” “Where in the Goddess’ creation is
Magdelene twinkled at him. “You're that?”
welcome.” Then she went home to “North,” he said flatly; worship of
browbeat Kali into baking something the Goddess had been outlawed in
sweet for supper. She hadn’t got half- Bokta for several dozen years. “Very far
way up the hill before the boats were north.”
putting out to replace the morning’s lost “Why does he always go north?”
catch. Magdelene asked Silk, who had shown
up to see what was going on. “What's
Two days later the soldiers came. wrong with east, or west, or even fur-
“It is happening, Mistress.” ther south?”
“Yes, Kali, | know.” Silk neither knew nor cared; and as
“What would you have me do?” she didn’t much like horses, she pad-
“| think,” Magdelene shaded her ded off to find some shade.
eyes with her hand, “you should make Magdelene looked up to find the
lunch for six. We'll eat in the garden.” captain glaring at her and was instantly,
The captain had been sent by his although not very sincerely, contrite.
king to bring back the most powerful “Oh, I’m sorry. You were saying?”
wizard in the world. What he and the “lam here to take you to Bokta so
four soldiers he’d brought with him you may prove yourself to be the most
were supposed to do if the wizard re- powertul wizard in the world. My king
fused to cooperate was beyond him. does not believe you are.”
Die, he suspected. The wizard had “Really? And who told him |
been ridiculously easy to find, leg- wasn’t?”
ends—and the memory of some of A small smile cracked the captain’s
them caused him to shift uneasily on beard. “I believe it was his wizard.”
his saddle—had led him right to her. “Ill bet,” said Magdelene dryly.
16 THIRD TIME LUCKY
“And if | don’t come?” A small problem arose the next morn-
“Then I’m to tell you that the wizard ing.
will destroy twenty people daily from “You have no horse?” the captain
the time I return without you until you asked incredulously.
appear.” Magdelene shook her head. “I can’t
Magdelene’s eyes went hard. “Will ride. No sense of rhythm.” She slapped
he?” her hands in front of her to illustrate the
“Yes.” point. “I go one way, the horse goes
“That son of a bitch!” She consid- another and we meet in the middle.
ered that for a moment and grinned Incredibly uncomfortable way to
ruefully at her choice of phrase. “We travel.”
can leave tomorrow. I’d travel faster on As children in Bokta rode before
my own but we’d best follow proce- they walked, it hadn’t occurred to the
dure.” captain that the wizard would not have
She stepped back and the five men a horse. Or that she’d be unwilling to
rode into the yard. Suddenly there was get one.
no gate in the corral wall. “Never mind,” she said comfort-
“Oh, put that away,” she chided a ingly, “we'll stop by the village on our
nervous soldier, who clutched his way and borrow Haylio’s donkey and
sword in an undeniably threatening cart.”
manner. “If those great big horses of “Donkey and cart?” repeated the
yours can’t jump a three-foot wall, even captain weakly.
in this heat, you’re in trouble. Besides, “He's not very fast but | can sit in a
you couldn’t kill me if you wanted to. cart with the best of folk.” She waved
I’ve been dead, and it isn’t all it’s a hand and the gate reappeared in the
cracked up to be.” wall.
The sword remained pointed at her “Mistress—” Kali stood in the gar-
throat. den. “When will you return?”
“Garan!” snapped the captain. “How long will it take us to get to
“But sir...” this Bokta place?” Magdelene queried
“Put it away!” the captain who, in company with his
“Yes, sir.” men, was eyeing Kali nervously. Garan
The captain swung off his horse. had his hand on his sword.
“Then we are your prisoners.” “Uh, about three months.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, you’re my “Then expect me back in about
guests. Unsaddle your horses and turn three months plus a day. After all,” she
them loose over there. They'll be well added for her escort’s benefit, “I don’t
taken care of.” She turned and headed intend to take the scenic route back.
for the garden. “Then you can join me And you,” she wagged a finger at Silk
for lunch. | hope you like shrimp.” She who was lying at Kali’s feet. “You take
paused and faced them again, noting care of yourself, and no more lizards.”
with amusement that they were look- Silk inspected a perfectly groomed
ing slightly stunned. “And please don’t silver paw and refused to answer.
draw on my housekeeper, her feelings
are easily hurt.” It was a strange cavalcade that moved
e north along the coast road: five great
 TANYA HUFF 17
warhorses carrying overdressed and “Well, | don’t care what you say,”
sweaty soldiers, bracketing a medium- growled Garan. “Ain’t nobody’s aunt
sized donkey pulling a two-wheeled can grab a fistful of fire, then sit there
cart and the most powerful wizard in tossing it from hand to hand.”
the world. “I don’t think she was aware she was
Magdelene sang loudly and tune- doing it.”
lessly as they travelled, her songs usu- “And_ that makes it better?
ally the type gently bred females were Hummph.”
not supposed to know.
“Madam!” The captain had stood it They reached Denada in three and a
as long as he was able. half weeks. Even forced to the donkey’s
A bawdy lyric, in an impossible key, pace, that was two days faster than it
faded to silence. “Something troubling had taken going the other way.
you?” The captain sighed in relief; he’d
“It’s that song...” about had it with the perpetual heat of
“Oh? Am | corrupting your men?” the southlands. Even the rain was
“No, but you’re scaring the horses.” warm. He spurred his horse towards
For a moment the captain antici- the city gate.
pated being turned into something un- “Uh, Sir!”
pleasant, then Magdelene threw back “Now what?” He wheeled around,
her head and laughed long and hard. narrowly missed running down a
“Point taken,” she gasped when the farmer with a basked of yams on his
laughter finally let her talk. “I’ve no head, and was soundly cursed. When
music at all and | know it. Do you sing, he reached the cart, Magdelene re-
Captain?” moved her small bundle of belongings
“No.” and was kissing the soft grey muzzle of
She grinned up at him. “Pity. I’m the donkey.
very...” She paused and her smile grew “What are you doing?”
thoughtful as she remembered. “..ami- She grinned up at him. “What does
able to men who make music.” it look like? I’m kissing the donkey.”
On his way back to the front of the Colin snickered but managed to
line the captain almost succeeded in school his expression before the cap-
not wondering just how amiable this tain could look his way.
wizard could be. The captain sighed. “Metros give me
strength,” he prayed. “Why are you
The soldiers treated Magdelene with a kissing the donkey?”
mixture of fear and respect, fear win- “Because I’m sending him home.”
ning most often, for their king’s wizard She flicked the animal between his eyes
had taught them to dread the breed; all with the first two fingers of her left
save Colin, who treated her much the hand.
same as he treated his Aunt Maya. Half a startled bray hung on the air,
Magdelene, who had never been but the donkey and the cart were gone.
anyone’s aunt, slipped happily into the “Can your Aunt Maya do that?”
role and Colin became the only one of hissed Garan.
the fair-skinned northerners to stop Colin had to admit she couldn't.
burning and peeling and burning again. “Why not send us to Bokta that
 18 THIRD TIME LUCKY
way,” demanded the captain, walking “I need passage north for myself, my
his horse through the space where the men and our horses. And for this lady
donkey had been, making sure it had here.”
truly vanished, “and avoid all this “Aiee, again with the horses!” He
damned travelling.” didn’t give Magdelene, who was drop-
“| know where I’ve been,” Mag- ping stale journey bread into the water
delene replied gravely, “but even | to feed the fish, a second glance. “Still,
don’t know where I’m going to be un- already | have a hold that smells like a
til | get there.” She shouldered her bag stable. Fourteen gold pieces.”
and headed for the gate. The captain “All right, 1...”
and his men could only follow. “Two,” said Magdelene, her eyes
The five northern soldiers on their glinting dangerously as she dusted
massive war horses made little stir as crumbs off her hands.
the moved the width of the city, from The ship’s master stared accusingly
the gate to the harbor. After all they had at the captain. “I thought you said she
been there less than two months before was a lady? Fourteen | say and fourteen
and Denada, a cosmopolitan city with it is.”
traders arriving daily from exotic After a spirited discussion, they
places, saved its wonder for the truly settled on eight. The captain paid up,
unusual. Only a few street whores took and Magdelene deftly lifted four gold
any notice of the men, and no one at pieces from his pouch.
all noticed the most powerful wizard in “Hey!”
the world. “You're still up two,” 7 she said
Denada’s harbor was huge: twenty sweetly. “While you load the horses,
ships could tie up, and there was room I'm going shopping.”
for another twelve to ride at anchor. “Don’t tell me,” muttered Garan,
Miraculously, the Raven, the ship that stopping Colin before he could speak.
had carried the soldiers across the in- “Your Aunt Maya loves to shop.”
land sea, was still docked and ap- Hours passed, the ship was ready to
peared to have just finished loading. sail on the evening tide and Magdelene
“Two months!” screamed her mas- had still not returned. Both worried and
ter, bounding down the gangway. annoyed, the captain walked to the end
“Two months | sit here since you leave. of the docks to look for her. He was
First, | must clean smell of abominable considering a trip into the city when she
animals out of my forward hold though came barreling around a corner, a
still it smells like a stable then what grimy urchin heavily laden with pack-
happens but my steersman—may his ages in tow, and crashed into his arms.
liver be eaten by cockroaches—sets sail “Here, take these.” She shoved the
with a hangover we come up bang on parcels at him and tossed the boy a sil-
coral and rip off half of keel. It is a ver piece. “Thanks for the help, kid,
miracle—may all the gods in heaven be now beat it before the mob gets here.”
blessed and | don’t doubt they are— “Where have you been?” demanded
that we make it back for repairs. Now the captain as they trotted towards the
at last we are ready to sail.” He ship. “We're ready to leave. Why are
pounded the captain’s shoulder enthu- we running an...” He stopped. “Mob?
siastically. “So, what can | do for you?” What mob?”
 TANYA HUFF 19
Magdelene got him moving again. “| suspicions about the wind. “They make
cured a blind beggar. It drew a bit of a me sick. It’s worse than being preg-
crowd. Good thing the kid knew a nant.”
short cut.” He stared at her in surprise. He’d
They sprinted up the gangway just as never though of her having a life like
the leading edge of the mob appeared other women.
at the end of the docks. A cry went up “You had children?”
as Magdelene was spotted. “Have,” she corrected, and it wasn’t
“Why didn’t you do something a just the sea that chased the laughter
little less spectacular,” muttered the from her eyes. “One. A son. Goddess
captain, tossing the packages over the knows why | ever let his father talk me
rail, then vaulting it himself. “Like rais- into it.”
ing the dead.” “He could make music,” the captain
“| did that the last time.” She ac- suggested.
cepted his helping hand, having some- Some of the laughter returned. “He
how managed to become tangled in a could at that.”
stray line. “This time | was trying to The ship rolled, and the most pow-
keep a low profile.” erful wizard in the world turned slightly
“You've been here before then.” green.
“Twice.” “Oh, lizard piss!” she muttered and
“Well, maybe next time you can headed for the rail.
pass through without starting a riot.” He
shouted to the ship’s master to cast off The Raven docked in Finera in eighteen
but it was unnecessary. The instant days. The previous record was twenty-
Magdelene’s foot touched the deck, seven.
ropes untied themselves and the Raven “Anytime you want to travel the
slipped its mooring just ahead of the seas, Lady Wizard, you are most wel-
first hysterical Denadan. come to sail with me.”
“Why,” asked the captain, using the Magdelene smiled stiffly at the ship’s
toe of his boot on a package in danger master, “Next time | travel, I’ll walk.”
of going overboard, “does the most She gripped Colin’s arm tightly as he
powerful wizard in the world in the helped her down the gangway. “Some-
have to run from a crowd of shopkeep- times | think he situates himself pur-
ers and beggars?” posefully so that I have to travel by
Magdelene collapsed on a bale of sea.”
rope. “I'll let you in on a secret,” she Colin looked puzzled.
panted. “I’m also the laziest wizard in “Never mind, dear. Just get me
the world. Running was definitely the somewhere that isn’t moving.”
least complicated thing to do.” “Take her to the Laughing Boar,”
bellowed the captain over the squeals
The trip across the inland sea had never of the horse being lifted from the hold.
been done faster. The Raven seemed to “We'll spend the night.”
barely touch the waves and the wind The Laughing Boar was the largest
never left her sails. inn in Finera and a favorite with the
“| don’t like boats,” Magdelene ex- caravan masters who came into the city
plained when the captain voiced his to trade with ships from the south. As
20 THIRD TIME LUCKY
they crossed the common room, over half the way, and it seems to be
Magdelene counted fifteen different lined with inns.”
dialects; one of which she was sur- Magdelene eyed the broad back of
prised to note, she didn’t know. Her the captain. “Good.”
room was large and cheerful and so,
she observed with satisfaction, was the “I'd like to see you claim resemblance
bed. to your Aunt Maya now.” Garan wiped
“This ought to make him sit up and foam off his mouth onto his sleeve.
take notice.” She winked at her reflec- “She’s used her blasted magic to be-
tion, now clad in a dangerously low cut witch the captain.”
green silk gown, and went looking for “That’s all you know,” Colin chuckled,
the captain. finishing his own ale. “My family lives
Later that night he sat on the edge of in the capital and the captain has bed-
her bed, suddenly unsure. ded Aunt Maya.”
“What's wrong?” she asked, gently
tweaking a wiry curl. When they reached the border of
He caught her hand. “Did you use Bokta, a full division of the king’s guard
your magic to bring me here?” awaited them, darkly impressive in
She smiled and there was nothing, their black and silver armor.
and everything, magic in the smile. “This is the best you could do?”
“Only the magic that women have sneered the guard captain, staring dis-
been using on men since the Goddess dainfully down his narrow nose at
created the world.” Magdelene in her pony cart. “The king
“Oh.” He considered for a moment. and his wizard are not going to be
“That's all right then.” And he lowered pleased.”
himself to her lips. It had been a long trip and
Next morning, as he left Magdelene was not in the best of
Magdelene’s room, the captain moods. “How would you like to spend
bumped into Colin in the corridor. The the rest of your life as a tree frog?” she
young man executed a parade-ground asked conversationally.
perfect salute and marched briskly off The guard captain ignored her. “Can’t
down the hall, his face a study in sup- you keep her quiet?” he drawled, ennui
pressed laughter. dripping from the words.
“Smart-assed kid,” muttered the cap- It was difficult to say who was more
tain, straightened his tunic, and surprised, the division of king’s guard
stomped off to find breakfast. or the tree frog clinging to the saddle
of the guard captain’s horse.
“Will we have to camp in this?” “Magdelene,” sighed the captain,
Magdelene asked anxiously, watching “change him back.”
water stream off the shield she had “He’s a pompous ass,” Magdelene
raised over the entire group. Even protested sulkily.
Garan was forced to agree there were “Granted, but he’s also the king’s
certain advantages in travelling with a favorite nephew. Please.”
wizard. “Oh, all right.” She waved her hand.
“Not for a while,” Colin reassured The guard captain cheeped once,
her. “We follow the Great North Road found himself back in his own body,
 TANYA HUFF Pay
and fainted. It was a rather subdued trip clicked her tongue when she looked up
into the capital. at the king’s wizard. Thick grey hair
sprang from a widow’s peak and curled
The king’s wizard stirred the entrails of on his shoulders, his eyes were sunken
the goat with the tip of his bloody knife. black pits, his nails were claws on the
She was here, in the palace, and when end of long and skinny fingers, and his
he defeated her he would be the most stooped body was covered in a black
powertul wizard in the world! Power. robe so closely embroidered with caba-
He could feel burning through him, listic symbols that from a distance it
lighting fires of destruction that he looked more gold than black.
would release to obliterate this woman, “If he’d just once realize that self-
this Magdelene. control comes first,” she hissed to the
He wiped the knife on a skin taken captain as a herald announced them.
whole off a stillborn babe, twitched his The whispers of the court fell silent
robes into place, and left his sanctum. as the king’s wizard stepped forward.
Behind him, blood began to drip off the “| have summoned you to prove your-
table and form a pool on the carpet. self,” he declared in ponderous tones,
The king was waiting in corridor, blue fire crackling eerily about him.
nervously pacing up and down. He The captain shifted his weight so that
stopped when the wizard emerged, his cloak fell free of his sword. He had
and his two men-at-arms thankfully fell always hated this wizard, this scrawny
into place behind him. grey scarecrow of aman, and had it not
“She’s in the palace. We must hurry been for the innocent lives that would
or we won't be in the throne room have been forfeit he would have never
when she arrives.” brought Magdelene here to him. At
The wizard merely nodded curtly. least not after he’d got to know her.
His measured stride didn’t change. Magdelene successfully fought the
“You are sure you can defeat her?” urge to giggle. “Interesting outfit,
The king, left standing, scrambled to Tristan. Demon-made?”
catch up. “My name is Polsarr,” snarled the
“| have studied for over a hundred wizard, his lips pulled back over star-
years. | command the demons of the tlingly white teeth.
Netherworld. | control the elements. | “Your name,” said Magdelene
can easily defeat one ancient woman.” mildly, “is Tristan. | should know, |
Magdelene’s actual appearance gave it to you. And now,” she turned
came as a bit of a shock to both men. to the king, “I’d like to be shown to my
The crystal had only ever shown her room, it’s been a long trip.”
location, never the wizard herself. This “You are not going anywhere,
was the most powerful wizard in the woman!” bellowed Polsarr. “Until |
world? This laughing woman who banish you into darkness!”
wasn’t even wearing wizardly robes? “Oh? And would you have everyone
The king almost chuckled as he took his say that you defeated the most power-
seat. ful wizard in the world only because
she was exhausted and irritable from
Magdelene approached the throne with four days of bumping over incredibly
the captain, bowed when he did, and bad roads?”
a2 THIRD TIME LUCKY
The king tugged on Polsarr’s sleeve. “If | remember correctly, this is the
“We don’t want that! There must be no only furnished room in the tower.”
doubt when you win.” Magdelene stepped inside, the bag
Polsarr glowered and muttered but settling to the floor at her feet. “It’s not
finally had to agree the king was right. that bad the bed looks solid enough for
“Enjoy your rest,” he snarled. “It will be one night at least.” She grinned over
your last.” He stalked from the room. her shoulder at the captain, only to find
“If he really wants to prove his him hesitating in the doorway. “What's
power,” Magdelene muttered to the wrong?”
king, “he should do something about “Ill stand guard in the hall. “You'll
those roads.” need your strength for tomorrow.”
The king ignored that. “Captain, take “And | want your strength tonight,”
her to the south tower in the east wing. she told him gently, drawing him into
And Captain, you and your men will the room and shutting the door.
guard this wizard one more night.” Some hours later the captain un-
The captain bowed and backed tangled himself from her embrace and
away. Magdelene gave the king her rolled over on his back. “Is there any-
second-best smile and followed. thing,” he asked, trying to get his breath
At the tower—which was as far back, “that you don’t do well?”
away from the rest of the palace as it Magdelene ran her fingers through
was possible to get and still be in the the matted hair on his chest. “I’m a
palace—the captain dismissed his lousy mother,” she admitted.
men.
“Be back at dawn,” he told them. Everyone with a plausible excuse
“Even if the king’s wizard decides to crowded into the throne room the next
attack tonight, there’s nothing you morning. People were packed so tightly
could do.” against the walls they had to cooperate
Colin raised an eyebrow at the with their neighbors in order to breathe.
phrasing but he went with the rest. Even the queen, who hated public
The tower was deserted and, judg- functions and wanted only to be left
ing by the unbroken layer of dust, alone, was there. The king was almost
hadn’t been used in years. Magdelene quivering with excitement, anticipating
waved a hand at her bag and it trailed when he would control the most pow-
them up the stairs. erful wizard in the world. Polsarr stood
“The man’s as big an ass as the alone in the centre of the room.
king’s nephew.” When Magdelene entered, the room
There was no need to ask who she released a collective sigh. She had not
meant. escaped in the night.
“He’s not much like you.” Leaving the captain and his men by
“Thank you. He’s not much like his the door, Magdelene walked forward
father either. That man didn’t have an until she stood only three body-lengths
ambitious bone in his body.” She from her son.
sighed. “Maybe | should’ve encour- “Morning, Tristan. Sleep well?”
aged the kid’s musical talents.” Polsarr ignored the question. He
The captain threw open a door lead- drew himself up to his full height and
ing to an old-fashioned bedchamber. declared, “Already | have defeated
 TANYA HUFF 23
seven lesser mages.” flash between the wizards...and then a
“Seven,” said Magdelene. “Imagine demon.
that.” The demon was three times the size
“I banished even the mighty Joshuae of a man, with green scaled skin and
to the Netherworld!” He saw what he burning red eyes. Six-inch tusks drew
thought was worry in Magdelene’s eyes its mouth back into a snarl and poisons
and chuckled. dripped form the scimitar-shaped talons
Magdelene wasn’t worried. She was that curved out from both hands’ and
annoyed. “You banished Joshuae to the feet. It raised heavily muscled arms,
Netherworld? That was remarkably screamed, and lurched towards
rude; the man is your name-father.” Magdelene.
“| HAVE NO NAME-FATHER!” Magdelene looked it right in the eye.
His outraged volume was impres- The demon stopped screaming.
sive. She folded her arms across her chest
“Well, you don’t now, that’s for and her foot began to tap.
sure. | only hope he finds his way The demon paused and reconsid-
back.” ered. Suddenly recognition dawned. It
“| WAS BORN IN THE BELLY OF gave a startled shriek and vanished.
THE MOUNTAIN AND SPEWED Polsarr began to gather darkness
FORTH WITH FIRE AND MOLTEN about him but Magdelene raised her
ROCK!” hand.
Magdelene sighed. “And the time “Enough,” she sighed, and snapped
before this you were ripped from the her fingers.
loins of the North Wind. The time be- When the smoke cleared, the most
fore that,” her brows wrinkled, “I don’t powerful wizard in the world cradled
remember the time before that but it a baby in her arms. Polsarr’s robe lay
was equally ridiculous I’m sure. Now empty on the floor, and the wizard was
can we get on with this?” nowhere to be seen.
Polsarr shrieked with wordless rage “Here, hold this.” She handed the
and blue lightning leapt from his finger- baby to the king. “I want to say
tips. goodbye to some people.” She walked
Magdelene stood unconcerned and to the door where the captain and his
the lightning missed. men still stood. The silence was over-
A fireball grew in Polsarr’s hand. whelming as the audience tried very
When it reached the size of a wagon hard not to attract the wizard’s atten-
wheel he threw it. And then another. tion.
And then another. “Colin.”
Magdelene disappeared with the The young man stepped forward, for
fire. The flames burnt viciously for a the first time a little afraid.
moment, then suddenly died down. “This is for you.” She wrestled a sil-
Although the floor was blackened and ver ring with three blue stones off her
warped, Magdelene wasn’t even finger. “There aren’t many wizards left
scorched. in the world, but should you run foul
Polsarr screamed a hideous incanta- of one this will protect you.” Then she
tion, spittle flying from his lips to sizzle grinned and everything was all right.
on the floor. There was a blinding red “Only from wizards though: it won't
24 THIRD TIME LUCKY
raise a finger against outraged fa- The captain smiled down at her. “|
thers.” She pulled a string of coral was thinking of leaving the king’s ser-
beads out of the air and dropped them vice anyway.”
on his palm. “These are for your Aunt “That might be a good idea. You can
Maya.” Reaching up, she pulled his always come and stay with me; young
head down until she could whisper in Tristan is going to need a father figure.”
his ear. “Tell her | said...” She gurgled with laughter at the look of
Magdelene paused, glanced at the terror on his face, kissed him hard
captain, and snickered in a very enough to carry the feel of his lips away
unwizardlike way. “Never mind, if with her, and went to collect her son.
we’re as much alike as you seem to “You really should keep a better eye
think, she’ll come up with it on her on him,” she said to the queen, with a
own.” A kiss on the forehead and she nod to the king who was rubbing at the
released him. “Come and visit me damp spot on his knee.
some time.” And then she vanished.
“| will.”
She moved over to the captain and “Not again, Mistress,” sighed Kali as
took both his hands in hers. “It won’t Magdelene handed her the baby.
be very safe here for you now. You “Sure looks that way.” Magdelene
were responsible for me, and | defeated sighed as well, then grinned at a sud-
the king’s wizard.” denly inspired thought. “See if you can
They both turned to look at the king find him a lute!” she called after the
who was holding the baby as if he’d demon and went to look for Silk and
rather be holding the demon. her kittens. ¢

TANYA HUFF, the author of twelve books and over fifteen short sto-
ries, lives and writes in rural Ontario. When she’s not writing, she’s in
the garden wondering what the hell is eating the tops off the radishes.
“Third Time Lucky” was her first professional sale, and was originally
published in the November, 1986 issue of Amazing Stories.

ILLUSTRATOR: JAMES BEVERIDGE was weaned in Windsor, Ontario,

and is now maturing in Edmonton. He works in line, color, and pixel.
His abiding adoration of visionary prose and image is rooted in the core
of his being. Hey, it’s also a lot 0’ fun.
 BONES
Jason Kapalka
illustrated by Robert Boerboom

| found the first, the skull | mean, in the backyard garden. I’m not much
of a gardener myself, | was just turning the dirt over a bit for Lauren, for
when she came out to plant her seeds and whatever— and there it was,
staring up from in between my feet. There was something about it, like
something | heard once, that there are certain images in the brain you're
born with. You never learn them, they’re just there, like a baby know-
ing what a person looks like though it’s never seen one before. A skull
is the same way, | think, like you could be driving down the road at a
hundred miles an hour and if there was a skull off in the ditch you’d
still see it.

Anyway | guess | shouted, though | didn’t scream like Lauren thought when
she came running out of the house, like I’d chopped off a hand or a foot or some-
thing. We both stared down at the skull. | sure didn’t like the look of the thing,
but Lauren picked it up like it was a toy. She just seemed happily surprised, not
worried that there was some kind of dead thing in the garden.
It wasn’t a human skull, that much was obvious even to me. It was about the
same size, but sort of stretched out, with these long oval eyesockets. Lauren said
it looked old. | wasn’t so sure. It was brown and yellow and kind of cracked, but
what does that prove?
| didn’t think much of letting her keep it, | just remember it didn’t seem worth-
while to argue about it. She washed it off and put it in a box downstairs. Why? |
asked, and she just said she was curious about it. Well, okay, | said.
When she came in and showed me the next thing, it must have been two or
56 BONES

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 JASON KAPALKA Zt
three days later, naturally | wanted to ology, though, because she didn’t have
know where she’d found it, just a nor- any better idea than me what kind of
mal question, no reason for her to lie animal the bones were from, though
about it. But how could it have been she tried to cover up her ignorance
in the flowerbed which | remember her with some jabber about strange phylas,
digging and planting just a few weeks or something like that. | guess it would
ago? | mean, obviously it had come have blown over and not gotten em-
from the garden again, and that was barrassing, except that when we went
what I resented really, not her wanting over to the little firepit in the back yard,
to keep the second bone, just her not sure enough, what does Phil pick up?
telling me the truth. Another weird bone, about the size
She got angry when | confronted her and shape of a matchbook. You would
about it, but as usual didn’t come out have thought it was a fragment from a
and admit it, instead getting very calm bigger piece except it was all smooth,
and insisting that yes, it had been in the with funny little ridges running around
flowerbed out front, and what reason it. Got a regular ancient Indian burial
could she possibly have to lie about site here, don’t you, he laughed.
such a thing? But anyway, the thing, Well, there were a lot of the sort of
the second bone, looked like a boo- stupid jokes you’d expect then, Agatha
merang, about two feet long with a Christie plots etc. etc., and they all
funny curve in the middle. It made me seemed to find it pretty funny. Of
nervous on account of thinking, what course Lauren didn’t realize they were
kind of animal did that come from? But laughing at us, not the stupid bones.
she wanted to keep that one too. Hey, you ever see Poltergeist? Yeah,
I’ve put up with worse from Lauren, ha ha.
so | thought Id just ride it out, wait till | don’t understand why you're get-
she forgot about her backyard archae- ting so upset about this, she said after.
ology and then throw the damn things | wasn’t getting upset. | said, | just won-
out. Seemed the easiest thing to do, but der why someone had to bring out a
then one night when Phil and his wife bunch of filthy dead things during din-
came over for a barbecue | realized she ner, | wonder why they went and did
wasn’t forgetting at all. Me and Phil that? She said, | can’t talk to you, I can
were just standing around, talking see you're in your stupid mood today.
about whether or not Andy was going Well, | guess with me that'll pass,
to get the boot from the plant where we won't it, | said.
work, when Lauren comes out of the Things were a little strained for the
house with that box. next while with me and Lauren so |
Oh come on, | said. She said she volunteered for some overtime shifts at
wanted to show it to Phil’s wife who the plant. | enjoyed it more than |
had studied paleontology or anthropol- would have squabbling with Lauren,
ogy or something in college. Great, just anyway.
the thing to get our appetites up, | said, But of course as with anything you
but she went ahead anyway. Phil’s ignore, the problem didn’t go away, it
wife mustn’t have studied the right just got worse. | looked in the box one
28 BONES
day and there weren’t three bones in year’s salary on, and, oh yeah, the
there, there were six. The new ones walls are crumbling too, | guess you’re
were just as strange as the others. There right, yeah | must have some kind of
was a curve that might have been a rib obsession all right.
except it went almost all the way | can’t talk to you right now.
around, like a hoop with a bite out of Oh, | must be having a stupid mood
it. Then there was a straight solid bone again.
like a tube, and this pyramid thing with So then she gave up on the calm
little round dimples. act.
Lauren when asked was evasive, as Eventually she stomped off to the
usual these days. Flowerbed again, | bedroom and | went out, thought
said. No, | found two of them in the about going to a movie, thought about
garden when | was planting seeds, she going to a friend’s place, but it didn’t
said. That’s impossible, | told her, | dug seem worth the effort so | just drove
up the whole thing and | didn’t see around watching the scenery go away.
anything like that. Well, that’s where There’s a tree, there’s a house, there’s
they were. Well, what about the other a boy walking his dog, but at thirty
one then? She said, | found that one in miles an hour they’re there and they're
the basement. gone, you don’t have to stare them in
We argued for a while but later the face for years on end.
when she was calmer | got the story But | came back and Lauren calmed
she insisted on, that she was cleaning down, for real, and | tried to put it out
up some junk down there and found of my mind. We avoided talking about
the bitten-hoop bone behind our old the bones, but | did have someone
TV set. Well, where do you think it come in to look at the basement wall.
came from, | said, and she said she It’s an older house, he told me, what
didn’t know, but that part of the wall can you expect? I’m not sure what |
down there was crumbling a little and expected, | said, but it sure wasn’t this.
maybe that’s where. In August it started to rain a lot and
The walls are crumbling, | said. Are then it got worse, everything. | went
they. outside and stepped in a puddle and
| don’t know, maybe | was being felt something crunch, looked down
unfair to her but it seemed somehow and it looked like a chicken bone but
it couldn’t be unconnected. Didn’t she it wasn’t. Lauren found what looked
think it was funny how all these bones like a miniature human ribcage in the
start turning up just when she’s having washoff under the water spout, or at
an obsession with dead things? Calm least she said she found it there. To-
again, no, she said, | don’t think there’s wards the end of the month another
any causal relation there, but if you do section of the basement wall fell in,
| guess it’s you that’s got the obsession. and in and around the wet concrete
All right, | told her, | guess | do, | there were bits of cracked yellow-
guess | have an obsession with the fact brown bone.
that there are weird rotting old bones | called the insurance company, but
under and in the house | put down a the guy just asked me if the bones had
 JASON KAPALKA 29
been there in the house when | bought ing around since that barbecue. But |
it. | didn’t see them, | said. But could have to smile and take it like | don’t
they have been there already? | know.
guessed they could have been. Well | get home and Lauren in this quiet
then, he said, you see the problem? scaredy-mouse way that she knows
| couldn’t sleep. How could | when will annoy me tells me that the rain
the house was falling apart around me. must be seeping into the walls, there’s
Can't sell it, who'd buy after taking one a whole section in our bedroom going
look? The mortgage was hanging wet and soft. And this just happened
around my neck for the next twenty- naturally? | said. This just had to hap-
three years. Lauren was no use, she pen while | was away? | don’t know
said it would be all right and we’d do what you're talking about, she said in
some repairs ourself in the spring, but that little fake mousy voice. Oh no? |
really what did she care? It wasn’t her went into the bedroom and started
paycheck that got swallowed every punching and tearing at the soggy dry-
month. wall, and when it falls apart a tangle
| started to screw up at work be- of slimy bones collapses into the room.
cause of it all. Lauren couldn’t grasp There are a couple more long cork-
the kind of pressures | was under and screw skulls in the mess. Here’s a few
insisted on annoying me in little ways. extra for your collection, | said. This
Her obsession with the bones was be- isn’t my fault, she told me, | didn’t do
coming psychotic and things seemed anything. No of course not, it must just
to happen because of it. | went into the be your lucky day.
washroom and when | turned the fau- Next day another section of wall fell
cet there was no water, just a gurgling in, in the living room, and there was
and rattling sound. A second later what looked like a whole skeleton glis-
brown sludge starts coughing out of it, tening on the carpet, all disjointed.
the mesh pops out, and there are little There were rods and tubes and things
pings as these tiny bones, they look like that | knew didn’t come from a human
teeth, hit the porcelain and go down skeleton, but still there was an eerie
the drain. resemblance.
| called the plumber and they said The basement flooded later on.
two days, so | get to go to work stink- There were things floating in it brown
ing and unshaved. I’m not stupid, | tell and yellow. More teeth came out of
them when they finally call me into the the faucet despite the plumber’s huge
office, I’m just having a few problems bill and this time | saved them from
at home right now, okay? But they’re going down the drain.
more supportive than critical, and Lauren finally stopped pretending to
eventually we decide together | should cry and hugged me and said she was
take a week vacation to straighten sorry for whatever she’d done, and
things out. Supportive, yeah, but why didn’t we just go to a hotel, send
there’s that humorous look they have for people to come have a look at the
when they say straighten things out, house and see what was wrong. Call
and suddenly I’m sure Phil’s been talk- the museum or university about the
30 BONES
bones, maybe, see if they knew any- ing moved all the bones into a big heap
thing. Oh yeah, | said, that’s great, let’s on the carpet.
turn the place into a goddam side- | was woken up in the morning
show, yeah, honey, that’s a swell idea. when Lauren shrieked and came run-
That's fucking brilliant. ning out of the bedroom, making this
She kept arguing and, you know, | weird blubbering sound. | couldn’t
guess | got a bit mad. | guess | maybe help it, | started laughing. She just
got out of hand for a minute there, not looked so funny standing there in her
like it wasn’t provoked, not like | didn’t underwear like that.
have reasons, but all the same maybe She got hysterical and started crying
| got a bit carried away for a minute or and ran out of the house with nothing
two. but her purse and her coat, and it was
Lauren ran off then but I didn’t re- still raining, so | guess she must have
ally care. | collected all the bones. been cold. But | didn’t see her again
There were shoals of them drifting after that so | can’t say for sure.
around in the basement, more of them Anyway there was more work to do
sticking up out of the grass in the front in the living room and | got started.
yard, and | brought them all into the Here | had something that might have
living room and put them on the car- been a dog with one eye and three
pet which was ruined by then anyway. legs, but it looked good on the coffee
| started thinking how they could go to- table. Lauren always wanted a dog, but
gether, how this piece would fit onto | just told her | was allergic. | brought
this other piece, and then | got some the other thing out of the bedroom, and
masking tape and contact cement and it looked like it wanted to watch TV,
tried it. After a while | had something, so | put it on the couch and crossed
| wasn’t sure if it was how they had what might have been its legs. And
gone together in the first place, but it here was its baby boy or girl with its
was possible, it looked solid, sturdy long snouted skull that | had to glue on,
enough to withstand centuries of age and it wanted to sit beside father and
and weather, it looked a little bit like watch TV too.
me. | took my shirt and pants off and | keep thinking the rain will stop, but
put them on it and they fit okay. | it just seems to keep on and on. In the
picked it up and it was light but held flooded basement there are always
together, and | went into the bedroom more bones floating up, and some-
and was surprised to see Lauren in times | think that sooner or later I'll
there sleeping. She must have come have them all and I'll be able to figure
back in earlier without my noticing. | out where they came from, what they
was, | admit, | was distracted. | felt are, dinosaurs or something, but at
guilty about leaving her alone so | put other times | don’t think | ever will. |
the thing on my side of the bed. She don’t think | ever will know. The wa-
always said | was bony anyway. ter downstairs must be getting into the
| didn’t want to wake her up so | wiring, because once in a while the
went out into the living room and fell power goes, and upstairs where we’re
asleep on the couch in my shorts, hav- watching TV it gets dark, sometimes for
 JASON KAPALKA 31
a few seconds, sometimes for almost happen then. When they’re all done
an hour, and then |just sit there beside I'm scared they won’t need me any
the other two and listen to the rain. more and when the lights and TV go
| wish Lauren would come back. off for good I'll just sit here beside
I’ve started to look at some of the them, watching the blue light from the
bones, thinking, this curve reminds me window shining off the tops of their
of her back, this reminds me of her leg heads. Watching them smiling. As if
just above the knee, and how they they could do anything else. And their
might fit together, and sooner or later hands linked together on the couch. ¢
I’m afraid I'll try it. I’m scared of what'll

JASON KAPALKA is a former Safeway clerk, vacuum cleaner salesman,

deep-sea squid fisherman and Portuguese short-order cook now living
in Edmonton. He’s recently completed an as-yet unsold screenplay,
which in best Hollywood high-conceptese he describes as “The God-
father meets Close Encounters, or Reservoir Dogs vs. E.T.” Like every-
one else, he is currently working on a novel.

ILLUSTRATOR: ROBERT BOERBOOM hangs his hat, brushes and pen-

cils in Brantford, Ontario. His current activities include a series of large
paintings in collaboration with painter/curator Wayne Draper at the
Gallery of Modern Art.
 THE MONK AND THE OLD IDOL

Jamie Findlay
illustrated by Nancy Niles

It was Yu Meng, the novice monk, who found the sleeping girl. He had
gone out at dawn to draw water and discovered her beside the well,
her head in the crook of her arm, her breathing silent and regular. Her
robe was of multicolored silk, embellished with gilt butterflies and drag-
ons and smiling bats, and her eyelids were a delicate unhealthy blue.
A princess, Yu Meng thought, or at least the daughter of a lord.

He shook her gently but she would not stir, and at length he had to carry her
back through the rising mist to the monastery. There he placed her on a straw pal-
let just inside the temple hall. The other monks soon gathered around, and the
abbot, Yen Sou, tried to rouse her by waving camphor and incense under her nose.
Still she slept on. A charmed sleep, concluded Yen Sou, and added with a trace
of the abbot’s weariness: we must keep her safe till she awakes.
For the next few days the girl slept her unnatural sleep in the corner of the temple
hall, while the monks came and went around her. Sometimes one would say a
prayer over her in hope of breaking the spell, but her condition never changed.
Yen Sou made the arduous trip down to the village only to find that the villagers
knew nothing about the girl, and he returned looking worried. Magic and a beau-
tiful girl did not mix well with the monastic life.
About a week after the girl’s appearance, Yu Meng awoke with the feeling that
some small alteration had taken place in the world. He rose from his pallet, put
on a heavy sheepskin robe and slipped outside his tiny clay hut. The stars lay like
rime across the enormous sky, and from nearby came the sound of the icy moun-
tain wind, soughing through the hemlock that surrounded the monastery. He gath-
ered his robe tighter about him and made his way to the temple hall. Just before
the entrance he paused. Behind the clay-and-tile building, in the small garden that
34 THE MONK AND THE OLD IDOL
served as a shrine, he caught a flicker her pallet, gazing at nothing. When the
of movement. Cautiously he went tea was ready she took a few sips and
closer. At the far edge of the garden the then lay down at once, as if in response
girl was moving as if in a trance. She to a command. Her eyes closed and
took no notice of Yu Meng as he ap- her breathing became regular. In a few
proached. seconds it was as if she had never
The young man waited until he was moved.
in full view of the girl and then said “She is ever asleep, whether she
clearly, “Lady, |am Yu Meng, a monk, walks or slumbers,” said Yen Sou.
and | am glad that you have finally Yu Meng made no reply; he was
woken to enjoy our garden, even if you thinking of the girl’s face as she had
have chosen the coldest hour of the gestured at the rhododendron.
night to do so.” The days passed, and the girl’s con-
She made no reply—indeed, did not dition did not change. She would only
appear to hear him—and Yu Meng walk at night, and then for a few min-
went closer. He saw that her eyes were utes; the rest of the time she slumbered
wide open and focused straight ahead, on her pallet. At first the monks took
and that her feet were bare. He guessed turns sleeping in the temple hall, in
then that she was merely sleepwalking order to follow her during the nightly
and that the spell had not lifted. She walks; but it soon became apparent
seemed oblivious to the cold, and af- that she was perfectly safe. She never
ter watching her attentively for a minute tried to leave the monastery and would
Yu Meng decided to take her arm and always return to the temple hall by her-
guide her back to the temple hall. She self. After a while Yen Sou declared that
went without resistance, but just in she deserved some privacy even if she
front of the temple entrance she paused was enchanted. In all this no one asked
before a small rhododendron tree that for Yu Meng’s help or advice, and he
grew there. Till then she had given no didn’t presume to offer any. As a nov-
indication that she was conscious of her ice—the only novice in a small and iso-
surroundings, but she was obviously lated monastery—he had virtually no
aware of the rhododendron. Slowly she say in monastic affairs, and Yen Sou
raised her hands to it. had decided early on that the less he
“What do you see, mistress?” asked had to do with the girl the better. But
Yu Meng. he became oddly attuned to the girl’s
She made no reply, just stood there sleeping existence and would often
with her hands out, a look of faint dis- wake at night while she was walking.
tress on her face. Eventually Yu Meng He never left his hut on these occa-
had to usher her inside, where he cov- sions—Yen Sou had explicitly forbid-
ered her with his robe and began kin- den that—but he would lie on his pal-
dling a fire. Soon Yen Sou appeared— let and imagine her moving, a home-
he never slept well and always sensed less ghost, through the garden.
when something was amiss in the mon-
astery—and while the young monk One day Haizi the Itinerant came to the
prepared tea he rubbed the girl’s hands monastery to beg some food. The vil-
and feet. All this time she sat quietly on lagers all said that Haizi had been born
 JAMIE FINDLAY 39
of a human and a gibbon, and he did an impious tale about the situation. But
look a bit like the latte-—same long Haizi seemed to guess his mind. “Don’t
arms, same whip-like body, same worry, Yu Meng,” he said. “You have
white eyebrows against a tiny dark come to me in confidence, and | never
face. But he was generally treated with break confidences. Neither do | mor-
respect, for he knew some very useful alize. If a monk should take an inter-
herbs and potions and had (so he est in a sleeping girl—a circumstance
claimed) served in his youth as the which, incidentally, occurs with some
court storyteller of the Grand Precep- regularity in all religious traditions—”
tor. The only ones who did not treat “What must we do to break the
him with respect were the monks; they spell?” interrupted Yu Meng.
were not interested in his stories and The little man pursed his lips. “That
had little food to spare him. Conse- may be beyond your capabilities, my
quently, when he appeared at the mon- friend, “ he replied gravely. “For if you
astery gates on this occasion, the have described her symptoms cor-
monks gave him only a bit of food and rectly—”
sent him brusquely on his way. “| have,” said the monk.
But Yu Meng had other ideas. If “Then | would say she is a prisoner
anybody knew anything about the girl’s of a dream,” concluded the other. “I’ve
affliction, he reasoned, it would be the heard tell of the affliction.”
beggar-sage Haizi; and soon after the He waited for a reply from the young
little man had left, Yu Meng gathered man, but all he got was a frown; and
together all the rice cakes he could find eventually he continued in a
and slipped out of the monastery. pedagogue’s voice: “You must know,
“Nlow, Haizi, “ he said, when he Yu Meng, that when we dream our
had caught up with the beggar, “I will souls leave our bodies and journey to
give you all the food you can carry if places far removed from our everyday
you will advise me on a matter of sor- lives, places fraught with danger.
cery.” People say you can do anything in
“An arrangement | have frequently dreams, but that is not true. There are
made,” replied Haizi, “with the other rules to follow and hazards to be
party generally getting the better of the avoided. Should a soul fall victim to
deal. But let us hear about this sorcery, one of these hazards, it may be unable
Yu Meng.” to return to its body. When that hap-
He listened with narrowed eyes pens, the body will continue to sleep
while the novice told him about the as long as the soul is a prisoner of the
sleeping girl. At the end of the story he dream.”
smiled a gibbon’s wizened smile. “| find all that hard to believe,” said
“So it is true!” he exclaimed. “A Yu Meng, who, like most of the monks,
beautiful girl asleep among all those was a rationalist.
monks! How the Grand Preceptor Haizi shrugged. “What else could
would have loved that!” make a girl sleep for weeks on end? “
Yu Meng then began to regret tell- Yu Meng was silent; the little man
ing Haizi the story, for he was sure that had a point. After a moment he said,
the little man was even now making up “And what are these dream hazards
36 THE MONK AND THE OLD IDOL
you speak of?” “| see,” said the monk. “But | am not
“They are too many to name,” re- sure how this helps me.”
plied the little man. “Perhaps she tried Haizi raised his eyebrows. “I did not
to fly—everybody does eventually, in say | could help you, Yu Meng; | am
dreams—and was swept away to the only telling you what | know. But my
far edges of the earth, or else mobbed guess is that to free this girl you must
by magpies. Or perhaps she got on the enter her dream.”
back of some untrustworthy creature “Enter her dream, “ repeated Yu
like a dolphin, and her soul was car- Meng warily.
ried off to a place that is inaccessible “| know of no other way,” affirmed
even to your holy men.” He scratched Haizi. “The girl must still be alive in the
himself. “Or yet again, perhaps she was dreamworld, for her body lives on in
the victim of an evil spirit who was liv- this one.” He leaned closer to the
ing ina dream. Some magicians know monk. “I am assuming, of course, that
the dreamworld well enough to enter she has not been transformed within
it and work their mischief. One may her dream. If she has, I’m afraid she is
well have taken a fancy to her soul and as good as dead. Not even Wei Men-
kidnapped it—for of course the soul is li could rescue a dreamer transformed.
completely vulnerable in dreams, be- For in the night realms—so all the sages
ing unattached to its body.” agree—two souls in different guises can
“And if her soul is gone,” pursued have no influence on each other.
Yu Meng, “is it beyond recovery?” Dream sorcerers know this, of course;
Haizi shrugged again. “One does it is the source of their power.”
hear of dreamers being rescued from “Why are we talking as if these fig-
their own dreams, but the rescuer is ments were real?” said the monk in
almost always someone of extraordi- exasperation. “Dreams are nothing
nary powers. In my lifetime | have more than the creation of our minds.”
known of only one person who could “The creation of our minds, yes,”
perform such a feat, and that was Wei replied Haizi testily. “They are certainly
Men-li, the famous hermitess and that, Yu Meng, but believe me, they are
healer. Apparently she could enter the also images of a distant reality. If the
dreams of others from her own sleep. images are powerful enough they can
One night, for example, she journeyed draw you into that reality. And that re-
far from her customary quiet slumbers ality can hurt. Dream mosquitoes will
in order to help a young man who suf- bite you and dream snow will freeze
fered from horrible nightmares of you and your dream mother-in-law will
drowning. On this night the young man scold you if you sing love songs in her
was, as usual, near to expiring at the presence. Although | suppose this lat-
bottom of a dark dream lake; and Wei ter danger is not something you need
Men-li swam down to him, caught him worry about.”
up in her arms, and then willed herself The monk was now fairly convinced
to wake. The young man woke also that Haizi had been playing him for a
from his dream, coughing and splutter- fool the entire time, but all he said was,
ing; and never again did he have night- “And how do | enter the girl’s dream?”
mares of drowning. “ “Ah,” said Haizi, “there | cannot
 JAMIE FINDLAY a7
help you. Magicians and lovers have to him the wisdom he requested their
their ways, but of these | know noth- very elusiveness gave him clues. A sus-
ing.” tained touch, a close embrace, was so
And politely taking his leave he went rare in dreams as to have the quality of
on his way, his sack filled with the rice an amulet. He remembered Wei Men-
cakes. The truth was, he rapidly tired li catching up the young man in her
of showing off his knowledge to the arms, and then waking. To embrace
monks. They could be very obtuse in the girl, shut her off from her dream,
matters of magic. and wake at once—that was what he
Yu Meng kept quiet about Haizi’s had to do. But by then he understood
explanation, for he knew that the other that the very medium of the dream
monks would have considered it non- might thwart such an action, for at cru-
sense. He himself was inclined to that cial moments it often robbed the
opinion. But as the girl remained in her dreamer of reason and volition. Slowly,
deep slumber day after day, growing laboriously, he learned to slough off the
thinner and thinner, he began to won- dream paralysis, to keep his head in
der if there was anything to the beggar’s ludicrous situations, to wake exactly
theories. He took to stealing out and when he desired. Thus did he come to
watching the girl at night, in frank vio- understand the power of the will in
lation of Yen Sou’s edict. She was cer- dreams, and by extension the power of
tainly in thrall to something that lay the embrace. If a single will could
beyond the considerable natural weaken the grip of a dream, he rea-
knowledge of the monks. But if it was soned, then two wills bound together
indeed a dream, how could he possi- might shatter it completely.
bly get into it? Never in all this dreaming did he
For Yu Meng was not an adventur- even glimpse the girl, but as time went
ous dreamer. When his soul left his on he sensed he was drawing closer to
sleeping body it was generally to help her. So attuned to her presence did he
his father thatch the roof, or build kites become that he learned to hear her
with his brothers in the fields, or talk muted, precise breathing, and at night
again with his long-dead grandmother, the sound would echo in his mind like
who had overseen his difficult birth on the tides. He remembered his grand-
a rainy spring afternoon and christened mother telling him once that in mo-
him Yu Meing (which, in the northern ments of distress, two sleepers some-
dialect, means “spring shower”). Rarely times breathed as one. If a sleeping
did he visit the exotic and treacherous child stopped breathing, the mother
places where a beautiful girl might en- slumbering nearby would often respire
counter grief. for it. In a like manner—so the old
But he knew he would have to learn woman had said—the night terrors of
more about the dreamworld in order to a child might be banished if mother and
help the girl, and for the first time in his child breathed in concert.
life he began to pay close attention to And perhaps, thought the monk one
his dreams. Every night, figures from his night, Wei Men-li had breathed for the
village brushed past him in dreamlike drowning man.
haste, and though they never imparted e
38 THE MONK AND THE OLD IDOL
Yu Meng could not have said exactly moment Yu Meng came close to her,
what it was he had discovered; he sim- his heart beating loudly in his ears. “Let
ply knew he was ready to act. One me help you,” he whispered. She
clear night he took his pallet and stole blinked once but otherwise did not re-
from his hut into the temple hall. In the spond; and at length she returned to the
moonlight he could faintly make out temple hall and lay down. Yu Meng
the girl sleeping in the corner. Not far also sought out his own pallet, and now
from her, in a small vestibule where the he found he could identify the myste-
incense pots were stored, he cleared rious scent in the sachet. It was rhodo-
himself a space and laid his pallet dendron blossom.
down. He dared not risk sleeping close He fell asleep before long, and
to the girl, for he knew that some of the dreamed then of a garden—a shrine, he
monks sometimes came into the temple knew, but nota shrine to his own gods.
in the night. In the vestibule he was Around him were yews and aspens
hidden from view. and beautiful vivid rhododendrons, all
Creeping close to the girl, he took festooned with vines and dripping with
from an inner pocket of her robe a sa- moisture. Bright exotic birds wheeled
chet of herbs and flowers which she through the green light, and he could
kept there. It smelled of jasmine and hear other creatures scuttling in the
orange blossom and something else he undergrowth. Directly in front of him
could not identify. “I shall return this,” was a small clearing, and here a feast
he whispered, then made his way back had been set up—steaming soups both
to the vestibule and lay down. The sa- clear and thick as cream, and cooked
chet he placed on the pallet near his turtle in a bed of rice and bean curd,
head, so that the complex scent—the and poached chicken flavored with
girl’s scent—would enter his mind as cassia, and an entire roasted pig sur-
he slept. Stilling himself completely, he rounded by eggs and onions and
soon heard her very faint exhalation. sprouts of something he could not
After a while he was breathing in name. Sitting behind the dishes was a
rhythm with her. small ugly man wearing a coronal of
Several hours went by. He heard an gold. His face reminded Yu Meng of a
owl calling far off, and mice scratching boar’s face, and he was gnawing on a
in the corner of the hall. Once a gust drumstick.
of cold air blew over him, but it was “Welcome, Yu Meng,” said the
the girl who stirred and drew her rug man. “Sit down and eat; you get noth-
tighter. In the dead of night he suddenly ing but rice in that monastery of yours.”
woke, without realizing he had been Yu Meng didn’t like the look of the
asleep. The girl was rising. He rose too, man, but he sat down anyway on a
wrapping his robe about him, and fol- nearby stump.
lowed her. As she passed out the door “Your honor has the advantage of
he fancied he felt the cold stones on his me,” he said. “I am afraid | do not
own feet. know whose feast | have disturbed.”
Around the moonlit garden went the “So polite, you monks!” replied the
pair. She paused before the rhododen- other. “I suppose that counts, in the
dron, as was her wont, and at that long run.” He took another bite of his
 JAMIE FINDLAY 39
drumstick. “My name does not matter. Yu Meng was silent, and the little
Perhaps you have heard of it, perhaps man smiled. “You see | am right,” he
not. Let us simply say that |am from the said. “But you need not feel humiliated,
past, Yu Meng. | and my people ruled Yu Meng. She is the sort of girl who
this land before your gods came to re- would make any monk forget his vows.
place us. We killed and ate animals, A very adventurous and sensitive spirit.
and sometimes they killed and ate us— She had a privileged upbringing in the
though, being immortal, we just passed house of a great merchant, but that
right through.” He laughed with his didn’t satisfy her, and she began to
mouth full. “The people worshipped range widely in her dreams. Eventually
us, the shamans invoked our powers, she found this garden, and naturally |
and emperors built shrines to us. In- made her welcome. She loved the
deed, there was once a shrine in the trees, especially the rhododendrons. |
very place your monastery now occu- think she may have been a rhododen-
pies.” He made an exaggerated gesture dron, at some time. | can see into
of sadness, like an actor on stage. “But people’s true natures, you see, and...
times change. Your religion arrived and well, | decided to set things right.”
new shrines were built. We had to flee And he gestured at a rhododendron
to the places where old gods go—bam- tree.
boo groves, spouting bowls, the hol- Yu Meng stood up. “What do you
lows of mountains, and, of course, mean,” he said coldly, “set things
dreams. “ right?”
Yu Meng opened his mouth to reply, “She is now part of my garden,
but the other belched loudly. “Pardon,” friend Yu,” replied the other. “Part of
he said. “I was just going to add that my garden, part of my world. | can be
you need not tell me your own story, the sun; | can be the wind; | can be
since | know all about you and why water for her roots. Her blossoms open
you have come. And let me just say or close at my bidding. | can turn my-
that your appearance here gives me self into a bolt of lightening and enter
some hope for your psychological her, course through her veins. | might
health. For you have become the lover scorch her slightly as | exit, but |believe
of this woman.” she likes that! “ He looked at the monk
“You are mistaken,” began Yu Meng with heavy-lidded eyes. “And you
with some vehemence, but the little know, she never sleeps. Strange, isn’t
man held up his hand. it, to live in a dream but never sleep?”
“Calm down, calm down,” he said. “In the real world she will sleep for-
“You monks are as touchy as you are ever,” said Yu Meng severely.
polite. | didn’t mean that you have “The real world, the real world,”
physically become her lover; | meant echoed the little man, and his voice
that she has become a love object for began to acquire an edge. “I am part
you. You watch her when you should of the real world, dream though | am,
be praying. You defy your abbot in or- and you on that mountaintop, with
der to be close to her. She has, in short, your fasts and your meditations and
become your obsession. How else your magnificent flights of self-denial—
could you have entered her dream?” it is you who occupy a shadow world.
4O THE MONK AND THE OLD IDOL
Tell me, Yu Meng, what is it like to live The little man gave an unpleasant
out your days in the company of old smile.
men?” “That sounds like vanity,” he said,
“Release her soul,” said Yu Meng. “and vanity is so unbecoming in a
“Let me at least speak to her.” monk. Have a care, Yu Meng; in this
“| can’t, “ sighed the little man. dream garden | am still all-powerful.”
“There was a time when | could trust “| am sure that is a great consolation
monks, but no longer. I’m afraid she for you,” replied the monk, “since in
must remain a tree. “ He spread his the waking world nobody gives you a
hands wide. “But please, you are free passing thought.”
to admire her up close. Touch her if The little man casually brushed
you like. | don’t mind.” some crumbs off his jerkin, but his ugly
Yu Meng sat down again, his face smile had become tighter. “That is
set. Perhaps Haizi had been wrong; where | have an advantage over you
perhaps he could still do something for monks,” he affirmed. “I am the stuff of
the girl, caged as she was inside a dif- men’s dreams—and women’s.”
ferent shape. He tried to think, but he “And yet you seem so grateful for
was finding the damp atmosphere of this girl’s company,” said Yu Meng.
the dream stultifying. The little man re- “Well, who wouldn’t be?” replied
garded him solicitously. the other. “Although | suppose | am
“Come now, Yu Meng,” he said. “| being tactless to ask that question, since
have so few followers left. Surely you | understand your elders found her pres-
will not begrudge me this one?” ence a bit of a burden.” Once again his
The monk did not answer at once; voice had acquired an edge. “How |
he seemed preoccupied by the sound pity you monks. Even the young ones
of dripping leaves around him. among you are old. Perhaps you think
“You have few followers left,” he you are a sage, Yu Meng? You think
replied at length, “because your world you have mastered dream-space and
was essentially cruel and your ways dream-time and the vagaries of your
barbaric.” will?” He wiped his greasy mouth.
“True,” agreed the little man so- “Don’t make me laugh. Your will is as
berly. “But at least we enjoyed our- feeble and your nature as soft as your
selves. And we did manage to distrib- namesake.”
ute our power across the land, unlike “A spring shower is deceptively
your high priests.” strong,” returned the monk imperturb-
“You mean you gave power to sor- ably; “at least, strong enough to resist
cerers and evil-doers,” countered Yu a fat old idol.”
Meng. “Then let us put it to the test,”
7
“Yes, that’s what | mean,” replied snarled the little man, and at once Yu
the other. “How | miss those days!” Meng was a rainshower. He became
Yu Meng picked up a drumstick, wild streams of feeling, and though he
looked at it with distaste, and put it was physically at the mercy of his form,
down again. “I am not without my own raining down indiscriminately on
powers here, you know,” he remarked everything in the garden, he still held
quietly. onto his wits. He fell with repugnance
 JAMIE FINDLAY 41
on the pagan god, who laughed and And that was how Yu Meng left the
blinked and licked at the rain; but the monastery, taking with him the girl he
rhododendron he embraced as only had rescued from a dream. With that
water can do to living substance. Into their story became their own, and not
the runnels of its bark he flowed, and even Haizi ever heard what became of
through the tiny spaces in its leaves and them. As for the monks, they marked
blossoms; and once inside he mingled Yu Meng’s departure by eating a silent
with its saps and sugars. He sensed the meal and going to bed early; but in the
girl’s spirit take shape in and around lonely sleepless spaces of the night they
him, for now their souls shared a single wondered long about who would con-
guise and will. She appeared only as a tinue their efforts now that youth and
surge of desperate energy, but Yu Meng resilience had left them.
was acutely aware of her coursing The abbot Yen Sou slept the worst,
through him. With their spirits joined being afflicted by an unusual number
he summoned all his willpower to of dreams; and in one he met a small
wake. Opening his eyes he found him- ugly man wearing a coronal of gold.
self back in the monastery, and dawn The small man seemed to know all
was just breaking through the window. about the monastery and inquired with
He slid out of the vestibule and there some impatience about the novice, Yu
was the girl awake, rubbing her eyes. Meng. Yen Sou replied in stoic tones
“You were in my dream,” she said, that the young monk had courageously
in a dazed voice. She had difficulty rescued a girl from an evil spell and had
standing, since one leg was evidently decided to accompany her to her
still asleep, so Yu Meng helped her up. homeland.
Into her hands he pressed the sachet he Hearing that, the little man threw
had taken. Her eyes, now wide open back his ugly head and laughed a long
and curious, were light green. triumphant laugh. ¢

JAMIE FINDLAY lives in Ottawa, where he teaches English and busi-

ness writing at the Export Development Corporation. He previously
taught science journalism at Carleton University, but has recently given
up journalism to concentrate on fiction. His story, “Reinach’s Watch,”
appeared in the Spring 1990 issue of ON SPEC.

ILLUSTRATOR: NANCY NILES lives a quiet life in Calgary, Alberta,

practicing art, heraldry, and anarchic environmental design. She’s aided
in this by three cats and an understanding Significant Other of long
tenure.
 ABOUT FACE

Susan MacGregor
illustrated by Mitchell Stuart

“How much longer you going to be, Janice?”

Sibyl looked at me from under heavily-lidded eyes. They were fuchsia—the latest
color enhancement of her natural pigment. A good job: I’d done the work myself.
Unfortunately they clashed with her neon yellow nurse’s uniform. Maybe she was
trying to start a new trend.
“Another fifteen minutes.” | dropped the hand laser to a nearby tray to survey
my handiwork. Mrs. Tsang’s implants were rimmed with blood, but the nails were
slowly healing. Typical of a client her age.
Sibyl rubbed her arms as if trying to ward off the coolness of the operating the-
atre. “She was in for ‘plants, right?”
“Dragon claws.”
“They look good.”
“Thanks.” Gently, | swabbed away some of the crusting blood. “Was there
something you wanted?”
“Yeah. We've got a botch-job crying in the lobby.”
| stopped my swabbing. “A botch-job?” | repeated. “Nothing we’ve done, |
hope.”
“Uh, no. I’ve never seen them before.”
“Them?”
“Yeah. A she and a he. Siamese heads. The woman’s the original.”
| turned back to Mrs. Tsang. “So, what do they want?”
“Not they. Her. She wants the second head removed.”
| set the cotton aside and removed my gloves, tossing both into the dispose-
hamper. “I don’t do heads, Sibyl. You know that.” For a moment we locked eyes,
44 ABOUT FACE
her fuchsia ones imploring my grey. | supposed to do? Send her away? She
“I’ve made my views fairly clear in the won't go. | know the type. She’ll hang
past.” around until we leave and then try to
She followed me to the sink where accost us.”
| disinfected my hands. “But she’s cry- “So let her.”
ing, Janice,” she insisted. “How can | “And give her reason to sue? Maybe
turn her away?” you've earned the credits to deal with
“Easy. Tell her I’m busy.” that, but |haven’t! | told her you’d see
“But you're nearly done here.” her. | know | shouldn’t have done that
“That doesn’t mean I’m available.” without checking with you first, but
She lay a hand upon my arm. now she’s got a reason to grieve and
“You're worried about the clone. But, make good on it.”
look—I’ve seen it. It’s not viable.” “Tell her to go back to the one who
“You can’t know that for certain.” did it.”
“I’m pretty sure. And | know she’s “She can’t! She bought the kit off
suffering. She’s sitting out there, Janice, some guy, and now she can’t find him.
crying her eyes out!” She says she’s got less than twenty-four
| gave her a long, steadfast look. hours before the code sets!”
“What about him?” “Well, shit! This is my responsibil-
She shrugged. ity, my fault?”
| let the silence lengthen between us. “Look, | said | was sorry!”
She’d only just passed her first level Mrs. Tsang was coming around; her
accreditations, and although she ap- eyelids were beginning to flutter as the
peared to have an aptitude for the anesthetic wore off. “Why the hell do
work, she hardly knew everything that | have to be responsible?” | demanded,
was involved. Even | didn’t trust my in- not caring whether she heard. “Why
stincts concerning viability. Always, | should | have to clean up after some
let the machines confirm what | could self-styled geneticist who has no better
only guess at. As if sensing what my sense than to buy a kit off the streets! If
thoughts were, she stood there, arms she doesn’t know any better than to
crossed and looking stubborn. Self- trust some sleazy gene dealer, it’s her
righteous. The conversation was going own damn fault!”
nowhere, and neither it seemed, was Unnerved by my anger, Sibyl swal-
Sibyl. lowed. “But what about your oath,
“What about Arnie or Greta?” | Janice?” she stammered. “You made a
asked. Neither of them had any reser- promise. It’s your duty...”
vations regarding the removal of a “Don’t you dare!” | yelled at her.
head. “Don’t you dare throw that into my
“Arnie went home sick. Greta’s do- face!” Startled, Mrs. Tsang’s eyes flew
ing a re-juv. She won't be free for an- open. Her hands struggled feebly to
other hour. Look,” she insisted, com- fend off the sound of my voice, wrists
posing her face to calm and trying to straining against the cuffs that held
sound reasonable, “I don’t like this any them.
better than you do, Janice, but what am “I'm sorry,” | soothed, patting her
 SUSAN MACGREGOR A5
arms back into place. Luckily, she Her jade green eyes welled at the
hadn't jarred the foot-long claws | had corners. “I... |was trying to upgrade my
inserted. Touching her cool flesh re- mouth...” she began with difficulty.
minded me that | needed to maintain Then she broke into a new fit of weep-
control. She was still in a suggestive ing.
state, but hopefully, she wouldn’t re- | felt my anger subside. She was as
member the argument | was having pitiful as Sibyl had said. | watched as
with Sibyl. she gripped the armrests of her chair
“Please see her,” Sibyl insisted. with long, olive fingers, the knuckles
“Maybe what she says will make the beneath her skin turning a sickly, lep-
difference.” rous green. Her face grimaced, her
| didn’t think so, but |was no longer mouth twisted. Beneath the full, vibrant
in a position to debate. Mrs. Tsang lips, | caught the flash of teeth. The
gazed up at me, as vulnerable and as canines were unusually long and
trusting as a babe. “You're all right,” | white, honed to a laser sharpness.
nodded, reassuring her. “Everything’s And then, courtesy of the six o’clock
fine. Your hands are just fine.” news, | relived a snatch of memory.
My time had run out. Sibyl took my From the holowall of my living room,
words of comfort as assent. “Easy | drew back as fangs, stained crimson,
now,” | said, biting back my anger as | lunged at me as they must have lunged
watched her quickly leave. “You may at the camera, bared in hatred and
feel a bit dizzy for a few moments, but defiance against being caught. A
the operation went beautifully. Here, mangled body materialized at my feet,
Mrs. Tsang. Let me help you up.” useless now, its throat torn but veins
Twenty minutes later and against my still seeping. Intestines had spilled from
will, | sat in my consultation room the body cavity to provide offal for the
studying my new client. rats. A wreath of yellow ribbon gift-
She was as monstrous as she was wrapped it all, like an offering from the
beautiful. Every feature was cosmeti- police. To one side, the reporter stood,
cally perfect except for the fraternal stilettos avoiding the worst. The work
twin which shared the same space her of yet another genetically-altered psy-
head tried to occupy. He drooped over chopath, she reported, or “GAP.” This
her shoulder like a bodiless doll, his time, a techno-vampire. With cyber-
face slack, the skin a dull, waxy teeth.
brown—probably the color of the origi- | was too overcome with revulsion
nal gene. In contrast, her skin was a to be afraid. “Get out,” | told the
fashionable bottle green. woman.
“What happened?” | asked. Some- Her expression was startled like that
times, “twins” were created to provide of a thief triggering an intrusion field.
companionship for the lonely. Eventu- “What? But why?” Her voice was
ally the host would tire of them or de- low and breathy.
scend even further into make believe. “How many has it been? One? Two?
This woman didn’t strike me as the Or Ten?”
lonely type. “What do you mean?”
46 ABOUT FACE
“How many kills?” onds before she made it.
She stared at me with eyes as hard Growling, her teeth tore into my
as emeralds. “I have money. I'll pay wrist as | forced it between them, her
whatever you ask. My win-opp is clos- jaws sawing viciously at my flesh. Her
ing. If |don’t have this removed imme- expression was bestial, her eyes void of
diately, the change becomes perma- any sense and flat now, like dull, green
nent.” stones.
“How inconvenient.” Keening on his terror, he began to
“| haven't done what you think I’ve choke.
done. I’m not one of those. This was “Sibyl!” |shrieked.
done for cosmetic purposes, and that’s | heard her run from down the hall.
all. Fang implants aren’t illegal, you “What? Oh, no...!” She took in the
know.” scenario and disappeared for a moment
“No. But murder still is.” to retrieve a handful of knockout
She saw that she hadn’t convinced patches. She raced back into the room
me. | watched my death surface and and slammed them onto the twin faces.
then die in her eyes. She needed me, Both heads went slack, although the
and she knew it. Suddenly, she leaned teeth were still embedded into my
forward. “I don’t want this!” she hissed. wrist.
“| don’t want to be stuck with this “Oh, Janice,” she moaned, taking in
growth!” the ruptured flesh. “This is all my fault!
At that moment, the twin opened his I’m so sorry! | didn’t know about the
eyes. teeth. All | saw was...”
The effect was enough to knock me “It’s all right.” The room was whirl-
into the back of my chair. | gripped my ing, the edges being eaten away by
arm rests. | hadn’t expected this—his acidic grey. “Just free me, then help me
eyes fluttering wide to meet my own, patch up my wrist.”
his regard startled but aware, like that She blanched.
of a sleepy child awakening from a long “I'll talk you through the deep work.
nap. Now get some more anti-septs. The
She could tell | was not staring at teeth were coated with something.” A
her. blue line was beginning to creep up my
Horrified, she drew back her lips arm.
and sucked in great lungfuls of air caus- She nodded and ran for the supply
ing sharp whistles to shrill through her room as fast as her fuchsia feet could
teeth. The gums were swollen and red. carry her.
| was used to the smell of blood, but Over the next half hour, | had Sibyl
the stench emanating from her mouth run a histo-peel of my wrist to deter-
was overwhelming, an abattoir. mine the different damage levels and
His eyes widened in alarm, his deep then program the threaders to realign
brown pupils darting to the left as he the musculature and circulatory. The
took in his snarling twin. His mouth deep work done, we smoothed out the
split into a ghastly rictus as he began to epidermis. The scarring would be neg-
whine. | anticipated her next move sec- ligible. Finally, |turned my attention to
 SUSAN MACGREGOR 47
the woman and her “brother,” both of “No! In her mind, removing her
whom now lay on the operating couch fangs would do her damage, so the
| had so recently vacated. teeth stay. But | need to find out if he
Sibyl stared down at them. “What wants saving.”
are you going to do?” “| never thought...”
There was only one thing | could do. “Duty, wasn’t that the word you re-
I'd seen the terror. He was alive and minded me of, earlier? That it’s my duty
aware, no question about that. Sever- to preserve life wherever | find it?”
ing him was out of the question, despite “Yes, but...”
whatever she wanted, despite the fact “So | found it where | didn’t expect
that as host, she had the law on her to. And guess what else? You're going
side. He had to be given a voice. | to help me do this.”
needed to know what he wanted, if he “Me? But | don’t know enough about
was willing to suffer life such as | could the coding...!”
give him, or if he sought annihilation. “Ill preprogram as much as | can.
“I’m going to attempt a merge,” | You'll have to oversee things, watch the
told her. life supports in case something goes
Sibyl stared at me, stunned that | wrong.”
should consider such a thing. A merge “But how will | know that? What if |
involved a joining at the most basic can’t...what if you...”
genetic level in order to go beyond the “Ill be host. Both of them are un-
physical body—in essence, it was a stable. The program won't sacrifice me,
psychic pilgrimage, a journey to reach so the law can’t fault me if they’re lost.
the shared group-mind. Some sources Chances are I'll come out of it okay.
suggested that the reported “successes” Maybe a bit altered, but okay.”
were nothing more than the host’s at- “All right,” she agreed, her voice
tempt to make sense of an unnatural barely audible.
condition. Others claimed that the sub- It took us about another hour to run
jects involved had, in fact, linked the standard tests to determine our
minds. All agreed there was only one shared genetic code. This, we entered
drawback. Merges changed something into the shop’s bio-frame. Luckily, there
fundamental about each person who were enough nodes of compatibility
underwent them. One could never be between their DNA and mine to make
sure of completely reverting back to me feel confident that whatever taint |
their original form. sustained would be repairable. | could
Sibyl began to shake her head—no, make further alterations over time in
Janice, you can’t. | found myself grow- order to revert back to my original
ing angry with her once again. form.
“What other choice do | have?” | When we were ready, | had Sibyl
pointed at the supine form on the begin the prep. As | reached over to the
couch. “You bring them in here against keyboard to set the operation in mo-
my will. You reassure me he’s inert, tion, she stopped my hand.
and guess what? He’s not.” “Do you believe in God, Janice?”
“Can't you just remove the teeth?” | could tell from her expression she
48 ABOUT FACE
was serious. “In what sense?” staring off into opposite directions, past
“I don’t know. Maybe in the sense and future, alpha and omega. New
of God as Judge, or God as Creator.” possibilities, a new way of seeing, that
“| think we take part in our own cre- which went on before and that which
ation.” could yet come to be. Stunning possi-
“And our own judgment?” bilities. A newJanice, if she wished it,
“Possibly. Hopefully, we do that a duality or tri-ality. Fresh desires and
much to redeem ourselves.” novel sensations.
“So, you don‘ believe.” A second vision infringed, the nape
“I didn’t say that. Is it really so im- of a neck, as succulent and as giving
portant?” as that of a newly sprouted limb of a
She held my eyes for a moment. “4
tree. And beneath that, a flood of green
don’t know. Maybe. Just ignore me,” eternity, the sap of young wine, life to
she said, waving me off. “I’m on the be spilled for the slaking and the plea-
verge of panicking, that’s all.” sure of that married to it, the struggling
“Don’t worry. I'll be fine.” Touching branch that refused to be broken away
the panel, | set the operation in motion. but severed nonetheless. The choice
| felt a slight nudge from a robotic arm, was there—to grow drunk on power,
a knockout patch probed for my ca- to become the serpent at the heart of
rotid, and then | heard the static of the the Tree, to step beyond self recrimina-
dendrite-link as it stereoed between my tions or judgements and be capable of
ears and fitted itself into synapse nodes doing anything...
dotted across my skull. The last thing | —except being alone in our own
remembered was Sibyl’s face, an angel right. To retreat into what little we
in fuchsia against a black roof of knew we were, to grow into something
heaven. | floated in Cyber-Time. separate, unique. Who was our
Slowly, | became aware of my heart, mother, our father? With whom could
hearts, pounding, belabored “pom we connect? Feral and fetal, we were
poommms, pom poommms” as each a hunger for that which we could not
chamber echoed to the base of my define. A destiny was desired, but
awareness, awarenesses, tribal drums alone, we could not sustain ourselves
pounding against the fabric of a black forever...
sky, messages hammered upon light- Unless Janice willed it. Unless she
ning-streaked synapses in the dark. A allowed it to happen, and chose it,
triple fork of perception flashed. | was embraced it as much as she had ever
one. | was three. There were no longer embraced anything—what was right,
any singular senses of self. Somehow, what was redeemable, what was her
one was too limiting and no longer duty and due. To never again be rec-
needed. onciled to life when death presented
A thought, thoughts passed, crossed, the better alternative. An avenging an-
meshed, and reformed to shape an gel to cast out the snake. An amalgam-
image recognized by one, but not all. ation. The chosen and logical synthe-
Janice/host knew it. Her namesake, the sis of the other two.
two-headed God Janus—two heads Yes, | thought, and thinking so, we
 SUSAN MACGREGOR 49
fell apart, rearranged and wrenched hair and eyes were still my own. |
asunder. sought inside for any trace of him, but
From somewhere else, the pattern he hadn't made it, except to find new
was being reset. Like the boom of fate, life through me. Ironic, in a way. Not
| heard the clang of the gates as they what I'd expected, but a reasonable
irrevocably closed. result. “Where’s the woman?” My
Cyber-Time faded. | resurfaced back voice came out as a deep bass.
to my own. “She left. |thought she was going to
Sibyl was pale, paler than I had ever kill me. | grabbed that laser, but she
seen her despite the pink. “Janice?” she only smiled. Said she figured she owed
whispered. She levelled a hand-laser at you.”
me as if considering the possibility of “I’m glad you're okay.”
having to defend herself. The green “Yes, but are you?”
woman and twin were gone. | was more than okay. However, |
My head felt foggy and my skin, very couldn’t afford to make her an acces-
warm. | took a long breath and noted sory. “I think | need to sleep,” | lied.
my lung capacity had increased. Over- She nodded and covered me with an
all, my frame felt larger, more muscu- infra-sheet. “I’ll check on you in half an
lar. | turned my head slightly, the bet- hour.”
ter to see Sibyl. “Thanks. And Sibyl?”
“Janice, is that you?” Her voice was She looked down at me, concern
tight. within her eyes.
| nodded. It was difficult to swallow, “What time is it?”
but |managed it. Relief broke over her face. “It’s 7:00.
Deiflating, she dropped the hand la- Already tomorrow morning. The merge
ser. “Sweet heaven, what have we took all night.”
done?” “Thanks for staying. Cancel today’s
| closed my eyes and swallowed appointments?”
again. | was very thirsty. She ran a hand She grinned. “Anything for you,
through her blue hair then retrieved a Janice. Anything at all.”
bottle of hydrastim from a nearby shelf. | listened to her leave, her heels
Gently, she lifted my head and helped clicking a sharp staccato against the tile
me drink it down. My skull felt heavy. floor.
When | had finished as much as | | thought of the green woman. She
could take, she settled me down once wouldn’t recognize me as | was. I'd
more and acknowledged the question find her in some bar. I’d make a tanta-
in my eyes. lizing target. A big male, a bit stupid,
“There’ve been some physical but oh, sooo good looking. So vital.
changes. Brace yourself.” She held a We'd have a few drinks. She’d ask,
mirror up to my face. “So, what’s your name, baby?”
| was beautiful. | had taken on the “Janus,” I'd say.
twin’s coloring and many of his facial “Janice? Isn’t that a girl’s name? You
characteristics—the mocha skin, the sure don’t look like any girl I’ve ever
high cheekbones, the strong chin. The seen.”
20 ABOUT FACE
“Neither do you.” alley. She’d giggle, “What’s down
She’d expose a thigh. “So, what do there, | wonder?”
you do for a living?” “Let's go find out,” I’d say. And then,
“Pest control. | kill vermin.” the unmasking. A complete about face.
“Really? You mean like rats and A whole new holo-feast for the six
things? o'clock news.
I'd nod. The pleasure of it would be minimal,
“You enjoy it?” of course, as a recessive gene is mini-
“Not really. It’s a job. Someone has mal. Duty would always be my domi-
to do it.” nant face.
Eventually, she’d suggest a walk Running my tongue over my teeth,
outside to get some air. We'd pass an | was amazed by their sharpness. ¢

As well as being an Edmonton-based free-lance writer, SUSAN

MacGREGOR is also one of the four main editors for ON SPEC maga-
zine. Her past works include “Mr. Moonlight” and “No Tricks,” both
of which were published by ON SPEC. Currently, she’s taken up jug-
gling family needs with editing and writing, and so far, she hasn’t
dropped the baby yet.

ILLUSTRATOR: MITCHELL STUART is a freelance artist. He runs

PANGAEA Illustration and Design and is based in Sherwood Park,
Alberta.
 THREE THINGS
| USED TO KNOW

K.V. Skene

the only place | used to know inside and out

| come back to this town (heart in transit)
and remember what goes where who owns who
where the road ends no one but you cares why
| used to know (perfect child of mind | could recite
the names long gone lists of crimes by
all the children | was born to kill) children (caseloads)
| left behind to wash away all the sins
with strangers the act called love | used to know

K.V. SKENE has had work featured in Canadian, U.S. and U.K. publi-
cations, most recently, Prism International, Staple, Grain, The Amethyst
Review, Ore, and Orbis. Her chapbook, Pack Rat, came out in 1992,
thanks to Reference West. Her book, fire water, was published in 1994
by Ekstasis Editions. A Canadian, she’s survived Québec winters, On-
tario summers, and BC rain. Presently, after 2 years in Oxford, she’s living
and writing in Dorset, England.
 DINOSAUR DREAMS

Erik Jon Spigel

illustrated by Peter Francis

Roger Bennett rather reluctantly left the evening news to answer the front
door of his suburban home. Hovering above the coarse welcome mat
was a squat cylinder pointed at one end like a bullet.

“Good evening, madam,” it said in a harsh metallic voice. “May | assume | am

addressing the lady of the house?”
“Honey, who is it?” Roger heard his wife call from inside the house. Now there
was a good question. Roger looked the machine over, trying to fix in his mind the
precise words that would summarize the situation. It emitted a faint hum, a car-
toon-like sound that one expected from a Hollywood flying saucer.
The metallic voice continued, making a noise faintly like clearing one’s throat.
“lam a newly-devised smart weapon recently escaped from the Santa Clara
proving grounds in California. In the course of my harrowing liberation | sustained
irreparable damage which has enabled my weapons systems. I’m going door to
door up and down your fair neighborhood warning responsible citizens like your-
self that | have no choice but to detonate, and that | wish to convey my deepest
apologies.”
It sounded like it was reading from a 3 x 5 card. Every so often a small port on
its underside would belch out a gooey mass of hardware in thick oil. Roger had
no idea how it managed to ring his doorbell.
“Um,” the machine said, “if you haven't any questions, | really ought to get
going. | still have about fifteen thousand residents to notify...”
“How long until you detonate?”
“About now.”
Roger Bennett never had the opportunity to find out that the device in question
94 DINOSAUR DREAMS
was part of a system known as the Land tent of dinosaur metaphysics. He
ofthe Free missile defense system, nor leaned back, balancing on his tail. He
could he know that the device which regarded the tall, strapping cycads,
was very politely blowing up in his face their upper foliage cleared by herds of
was known by its designers as a “time grazing herbivores. Strong, lithe, erect
bomb,” not for the fact that it had a de- timbers; thick, lean, naked horns, de-
layed fuse, but rather for the deleteri- fiantly jutting from the loins of the
ous effects that the bomb’s monopole earth... He felt a stirring between his
emissions had on the local spacetime legs, and an urge that overcame even
continuum. The idea was to literally his insatiable hunger.
“bomb the enemy back to the Stone He turned his head in a number of
Age.” The damage sustained by the directions, but neither his ears nor his
machine, however, would have the eyes nor his formidable nose could
reverse effect, and this Roger Bennett detect anyone nearby, much to his dis-
and his wife Millicent would discover may. The cycad between his legs had
very soon. grown quite uncomfortable, and he
looked longingly, frustratedly at his ri-
He was about an eighth of the size of diculously small arms, and the clawed
Roger Bennett’s suburban home, and hands at the ends of them, wondering
he was just settling down to a fine meal why, at a time like this, he had them
of Plateosaurus, a creature four times at all, and, since he did, why weren’t
his size whom he had chased until it they just a little longer, and the claws
had a heart attack and keeled over. He just a little less sharp.
had no idea how commonplace this He made a sound like a sonic boom
scenario was in the place he was about that was a dinosaur sigh, and, crouch-
to end up in, and had he been about a ing, began an awkward, dancelike
hundredth of his natural volume he ritual, which was successful, although
might have been able to blend in, ex- not altogether satisfying, at stimulating .
cept for the tail, the thick, speckled or- his already overstimulated lower parts.
ange hide, and those silly-looking min- Thus, when the time bomb went off,
iature arms. And the full head of teeth. it didn’t go off alone.
The brain, about the size of an imma-
ture coconut, would nonetheless have Roger’s feet were sticking out the door
felt right at home. as he had fallen backwards. It looked
Still, right now he was enjoying his like the Wizard of Oz and one of the
Plateosaurus, having flavored the drab neighborhood kids who had rushed out
meat quite deliciously with a scattering from across the street in response to the
of various grasses that grew nearby. He noise said so. Millicent helped her
had no idea that he did this instinc- dazed husband to his feet.
tively, to aid in his digestion of the “My goodness, what happened?”
meal. He only knew that it made things She said.
taste better, and that was good enough “It went off,” Roger mumbled.
for him. “What happened? Who was at the
His was an unsophisticated intelli- door?”
gence. “Tastes better” is about the ex- “It went off,” Roger mumbled.
 ERIK JON SPIGEL 22
Millicent helped Roger back to the was a polite bomb.”
couch inside, and brought her husband “It wasn’t so much polite as smart, |
a glass of filtered water and two think. It was a smart bomb. It said it had
Tylenols. Roger knew what to do with just recently escaped from some instal-
the water, but it took him several mo- lation in California.”
ments to recall the purpose of the “Escaped.”
Tylenols, during which time he just “You have to admit that’s pretty
stared at them on the coffee table. Fi- smart.”
nally, it dawned on him that they were There was an anemic buzzing sound
“pills” and he was supposed to “take from the doorbell.
them.” Roger looked at his wife.
“Now, Roger, can you tell me what “The concussion must have screwed
happened?” it up,” he said.
“It went off,” he replied. “There was Millicent sighed and started to the
a bomb floating outside our door and door.
it went off.” “If it’s another bomb, shall | tell it
“A bomb.” you're in?”
Roger, still dazed, misunderstood
her response. Something smelled bad, and it wasn’t
“No. No, | don’t think so. That just the usual bad smell that was left by
would pretty much have devastated the one of his solitary interludes. No, that
whole neighborhood. This one just sort of bad smell he could walk away
made me feel woozy until | fainted, | from. This one was everywhere. It
guess. Oh my gosh, | hope it wasn’t made his tail twitch. Suddenly, the
germ warfare!” delicious Plateosaurus wasn’t sitting too
“I'm having a little trouble with this, well in his stomach.
Roger. Who would plant a bomb on And the trees! Where were his beau-
our doorstep?” tiful cycads? Yes, absolutely things
“No, no, no. Nobody planted it. It looked different. And smelled different.
just came here to tell us it was going to Oh, that smell...
go off.” He shook his head, trying to clear it.
“That was considerate. Do you think Too much “new.” Dinosaurs weren't
you should maybe have a couple more good at “new.” Give him nice, predict-
Tylenols?” able routine. Same thing every day, that
“Those were those little white things, was ideal. Mate, meat, and sleep, that
right?” was a dinosaur’s dream. It was when
“I'll go get some more Tylenols.” you started throwing in “new” that
“No, no. I’m okay. Bring me the things got tough. It was “new” that was
phone. I'll call Jack. Maybe it went to going to wipe them all out someday, he
their house so he can explain it.” was sure of that.
“Honey, try to see this from my per- Well, the Plateosaurus was still
spective. You hear a loud boom from there, and some of the smaller shrubs
your front door and rush out to find and grasses around it. And the ground.
your husband collapsed on the thresh- The ground was still there, so that was
old. He comes to and tells you that it a start. But it now appeared to be early
26 DINOSAUR DREAMS
evening, and it didn’t usually go from Stratford Heights,” one of the men said.
early afternoon to early evening so He was dressed identically to the other
quickly. That was a bit unsettling. And man—in a plain, ill-fitting, black
the noises were all wrong. The comfort- Armani suit—and they sat, each one,
able, tree-splitting roars, the sound of in matching chairs from the Bennetts’
foliage being wantonly destroyed—all tastefully coordinated dining room set.
missing. It was almost unbearably “Yes, yes,” agreed the other man.
quiet, almost no ambient sounds at all. “We were at the elementary school—
He shivered. what was it called, Bill?”
Of course it would have to be cold, “That would be Henry the Fourth
too. Impossibly cold. He tamped his Part One Civic Elementary School,
tail against the ground, trying to warm Ben.”
up. “That’s it. Corner of Troilus and
He was going to have to do some- Cressida. Anyway, we were there
thing eventually. Sighing again, he set about an hour ago, and I was saying to
himself to the task of determining the one of our boys, ‘Bert, this Stratford
direction of the nest of one of his mates Heights is one mighty nice little
based on entirely unfamiliar cues. planned community.’ ”
Maybe she’d know what was going on. “| think that was Beau, Bill, not
Finally, he stepped out of the past and Bert.”
onto a Toyota. “Bill, I’m not Bill. I’m Ben.”
“That's it. I’m Bill. You're Ben.”
There were men in radiation suits on a “We're Bill and Ben.”
number of porches — including “And I’m Bill.”
Roger’s — collecting the excreta left be- “And I’m Ben.”
hind by the smart bomb. A legion of Millicent didn’t think it really mat-
strange white ice-cream vans roamed tered. She was barely paying attention
up and down streets with names like to them, anyway, having to keep half
“Shrew Lane,” “Clutch Thee Court,” an eye on Roger, who randomly wan-
and “Goneril Way.” They were stud- dered about the house, looking out
ded with panels that opened out into windows, and muttering things like
complex antennae. Some of the neigh- “wombat” and “carburetor.”
borhood children thought they really “I’m sorry. Where did you say you
were ice-cream vans, and mobbed a were from?” Millicent said.
number of the parked ones for cones They both smiled widely.
and sundaes which, strangely enough, “We're from General Design Sys-
the trucks served. Roger, looking out tems, ma’am.” Said Bill. Or was it Ben.
his living room window, thought they “A wholly private sector corpora-
looked like ambulatory Swiss Army tion.”
knives, except that they were much “That's it. And we don’t do any gov-
bigger, were white, and really weren’t ernment contracting at all, ma’am.
in the remotest way knives at all. He Nossir, none at all.”
was still struggling periodically with the “Certainly not for the Defense De-
concept of “pill.” partment.”
“Mighty nice little development, this “Nossir, not for the Defense Depart-
 ERIK JON SPIGEL a7
ment. Not at all. Not one bit.” and shape of a falafel that you could
“Although they’re free to buy our feed to Middle Eastern school children
products. Just like anyone else.” to get to their parents, and if you de-
“That's it. They can still buy things fine a weapon that way, then Bill and
from us.” | would be arms dealers!”
“My husband said he saw a bomb “| think if we’d come in with a cat
on our front porch.” in a bag we'd pretty much have to pry
Millicent didn’t think it was possible, it off your leg right now, Ben.”
but the two men managed to widen “You might be right, Bill. Um, do
their smiles even more. you think your husband would consent
“A bomb? Have you ever heard any- to vivisection, ma’am?”
thing so gosh darn funny, Ben?” “Manners, Ben, manners!”
“That sure is a good one, Bill.” Just then, Roger broke his silence
“That wasn’t a bomb, ma’am. You with two new words to add to his
want to tell her what that was, Ben?” litany.
“Thank you very much, Bill. Yes | “Tyrannosaurus rex,” he muttered.
would like to talk about that. You see,
that was what we like to call a Collat- He didn’t know that the street he was
eral Damage Temporal! Dislocation walking down was called “Dunsinane
Device, or, in plain English, a com- Drive.” The Toyota had wrapped itself
pletely harmless mechanism designed around his right foot, greatly impeding
to put a target in the distant past where his progress, and every few steps he
he can no longer be a threat. So you paused and tried to shake it off. The
see, it really isn’t a bomb at all, is it?” ground here hurt his feet, even while
“But what was a weapon doing his talons left gaping holes in the pave-
roaming around my house?” Millicent ment.
asked. It felt good to roar and shriek, so he
“| don’t think | said ‘weapon’ any- did it repeatedly. His tail swished back
where in my explanation, now, did I, and forth, taking down hydro poles and
Bill?” more than a few houses.
“No, Ben, | don’t think you did.” This is very unpleasant, he thought
“But you did say ‘target’ and ‘threat,’ as he cautiously stepped through the
didn’t you?” Roger had been utterly si- football field of Hamlet High. Nothing
lent for several minutes now, Millicent was where it should be. Right now, he
noticed, and was staring out the living should have been pushing over a stand
room window. of bennettitaleans, if he had things fig-
“! don’t think | understand your ured right. Then again, everything was
point.” so different here that this might have
“Well, it seems to me that something instead been the swamp he chased the
designed to deal with targets and Plateosaurus through before it col-
threats is normally called a weapon.” lapsed.
“If you want to define it that way, But it wasn’t any of these, just an
sure. But think about this, you could open field with a couple of strange-
also define a weapon as a remote-deto- looking bare trees at either end. In des-
nated thermonuclear device the size peration he wandered over to one of
98 DINOSAUR DREAMS
them and kicked it over with his car- of the little guy, of getting what you
encumbered foot. It fell, all right, but want. It was meant to stimulate a sense
too easily. He roared the “Why me?” of “Yes, | can!” to make you cheer, to
roar and took a limping, running stab make you want to spend an obscene
at the other one, which fell over just as amount of money on running shoes.
easily. This was the picture he was looking at.
He was breathing in heavy gasps His was, as has already been said,
and wheezing, an unfamiliar experi- an unsophisticated intelligence. Igno-
ence for so young a dinosaur. The air, rant of metaphor and unused to the
he thought. It’s that smell; I just know cunning manipulation techniques of
it is. He was developing a terrible head- modern advertising, a message which
ache, and desperately needed a drink was intended to be subtle on a human
of water. being drove itself into his brain, taking
He thought it was getting darker, that it over with the force of instinct. Sud-
it might even be getting on to night, but denly, he no longer felt overwhelmed
the sky seemed somehow brighter than by a world of unfamiliar sights, smells,
usual, despite the passage of time. He and sounds. In fact, suddenly he was
wandered in the direction of a light on feeling pretty good. No, he was feeling
the horizon that he took to be the ris- great. Really great. He felt like he could
ing moon. That, at least, was the same, jump a mile into the air; maybe he’d
and he knew how to navigate by it. even get the moon, this time. He was
The “moon” was in fact a lit bill- Tyrannosaurus rex. He could do any-
board, but he couldn’t know that. thing!
Nonetheless, as he got closer to it, it Okay, so he couldn’t explain the
grew in size, and he couldn’t remem- urge he suddenly had to acquire things
ber the moon ever doing that. Also, it over and above what was needed for
was the wrong shape. And there were a mate’s nest, or why he felt that he had
colors on it. That was a dead giveaway to have something elaborate and super-
right there; the moon was strictly grey ficial on his feet. But it didn’t matter,
and white. The billboard said, in large, because—
crisp letters, “Go For It!” but naturally Wait a minute! He did have some-
he couldn’t know that, either. thing elaborate and superficial on his
The picture, on the other hand, was feet. At least on one of his feet. Life was
another matter. A mouse wearing a pair good; all he needed was something for
of Nikes was leaping out of the clutches his other foot.
of a bewildered cat and towards a large He lifted his right leg and shook it
piece of cheese on a table. It was an triumphantly.
image that hordes of men, all uncom- The Toyota came off and sailed half
fortably similar to Bill and Ben in count- a mile through the air.
less and disturbing ways, had spent
many long hours devising and perfect- Bill and Ben had taken over the kitchen
ing. In every way it was calculated to table with a portable radio, a laptop
convey a subliminal message of tri- computer, several bundles of paper,
umph, of victory over impossible odds and a pocket calculator, on which one
and certain defeat. It was the triumph of them was keying away madly.
 ERIK JON SPIGEL 9
“This is going to cost us some ma- sixties talk.”
jor buckaroos, Ben.” “Oh, and how are we supposed to
“| was afraid of that. And /’m Bill, talk now?”
Ben.” “Well... We’re not. We’re just sup-
|.”
“Sorry, Bil posed to cynically accept all that and
“He’s going down Birnam Wood go out and buy more stuff.”
Road to Dunsinane Drive,” the radio “I’m going inside.”
squawked. Millicent slid back the glass door to
“Sounds like he’s headed for the the kitchen.
high school,” said Bill, poring over a “...so if we could train it to kill only
map of Stratford Heights. homosexuals, maybe we could pass it
“That’s damn inconvenient, Bill,” off as the vengeance of God,” Bill or
said Ben. “The mall would have looked Ben was saying.
a lot better on the small screen.” “Nice one, Ben. Make a note to talk
“Well, we can insist on a mall when to the spin boys about that. Well, hi
we sign over the TV rights.” there, Mrs. Bennett. You know, this
“That's the great thing about TV, nondairy creamer sure adds a lot of zest
isn’t it?” to this instant hot chocolate.”
Roger and Millicent, meanwhile, “Where is it now?” Millicent asked.
were on their back porch trying to “Um, right about now it’s here,” Bill
make sense of what was happening. answered, pointing to a spot on the
While Bill and Ben helped themselves map. “It seems to be staring at a bill-
to their refrigerator, Roger was recuper- board.”
ating and Millicent was listening to the “Oh, great. Maybe you could sell it
distant roaring, feeling the faint vibra- to Pepsi.”
tion as the early Cretaceous imposed “Heeeeey...”
itself on Stratford Heights. “No way, Bill. Pepsi’s still pushing
“It’s probably more scared of us than ‘new generation.’ The Triassic’ll never
we are of it,” Roger said meaningfully. wash.”
“Oh, sure.” Millicent responded. “It “Yeah, but maybe advertising’s the
weighs a zillion tons, eats animals the way to go, Ben. You know, Mrs.
size of airplanes, and goes through Bennett, there’s a career for you in in-
houses the way Jimmy Swaggart goes telligence.”
through donations. | think we can “Thanks, but I’ve got too much of
pretty much write ourselves off as a it.”
threat.” Just then the Toyota came through
Another roar. the Bennett's front window and landed
“I guess you're right,” Roger said. squarely in their living room. Ben
“This is what happens, Roger. The sighed, pressed clear on the calculator,
whole world is the Pentagon’s test tube. and started keying all over again.
We sit around in the suburbs while a
bunch of old farts show off their test- He was starting to get depressed again.
osterone levels by using us as their The initial rush from the billboard had
specimen jars.” worn off and now all he was left with
“Hey, hey, come on, now. That's was that same sense of confusion he
60 DINOSAUR DREAMS
had earlier, and an overpowering need annoying things about this place that he
for footwear, whatever that was. The felt reasonably secure about letting go
cat and the mouse in the picture looked for awhile. Soon, in his mind, he was
vaguely like things he might want to eat back among the cycad, happily disem-
and he had tried to do so, crumpling boweling a Haplocanthosaurus.
the construction in the process, but to The Midsummer Night Drive-In was
no avail. They tasted awful. The car no late in starting its main feature, a re-
longer on his foot, he pressed on, not make of From Here to Eternity, and this
even bothering to try to get his bearings brought a chorus of car horns from the
any more. congregation of automobiles as-
At least there was plenty to destroy, sembled for the show. He awoke sud-
he thought. Dinosaurs liked to do that. denly, startled and groggy, and the
Destroy things. But everything here was sound was enough like a few in his
so flimsy. For awhile he could get into own time that he really lost it this time,
taking apart all the unidentifiable things not only his bearings but his balance,
that were around. Large cube-like and fell over. The movie started, the
things, smaller things like the one that horns stopped, and he managed to
had been on his foot. Little animals ran doze off and on for about an hour.
about whenever he did this, making He stretched and roared. That felt
insignificant noises. They didn’t smell good. He rolled around in the grass for
right to be food, and after his experi- awhile, to get at some sore and itchy
ence with the billboard, he was loath spots on his side and back, and that felt
to try one. even better. He rose to his full height
He felt a repeated stinging on his and, looking over a stand of trees,
lower body. He eventually made the caught a bright, flickering movement in
connection that it always occurred af- the distance. Cautiously, he edged for-
ter a slightly louder sound made by ward for a better view.
some of the animals. The stinging was On the screen, aman and a woman
not exactly painful, but it was annoy- were rolling around in tight embrace in
ing. He kept having to stop and scratch, the Hawaiian surf. Higher and higher
and nothing around here was stable the surf went, pounding, pounding...
enough to brace against and rub. So he There was a jump cut to a shot of a
got into the habit of kicking the pests supply train snaking its way along then
out of the way, and this seemed to plunging into a tunnel. Plunging,
help; most eventually just left him plunging...
alone. They really were not unlike the He whimpered as the cycad ex-
insects back home, and the memories tended between his legs. It’s going to
this triggered almost brought a lump to be a long night, he thought as he
his throat. crouched once again and began his
He grew tired of annihilating things, dance on the grass.
and just wanted to find a nice, quiet The audience at the drive-in were
place to perch on his tail and have a almost uniformly engaged in similar
nap. He wandered for several minutes, kinds of activity; however, the film it-
until he found a large enough expanse self had little effect on their libidos, so
of grass far enough away from all the inured were they to such symbolism.
 ERIK JON SPIGEL 61
On the other hand, had they known of and I’m going to sue your asses back
the anachronistic voyeur nearby, and to the Stone Age. Now, get out! Not
the effect even such simpleminded ren- you, Roger—them!”
derings had on him, they might have Ben whistled. Bill shook his head
felt less comfortable about the second sadly.
“|
feature at the drive-in, a grittier, more “Actually, ma’am,” he began.
violent and “realistic” remake of Dirty think we’ve been pretty charitable
Harry. about letting you stay.”
“What the hell do you mean, ‘letting
“Would you look at what he did to us stay’?”
somebody’s car, Ben?” “You want to show her, Ben?”
“Somebody's car? Somebody’s car?” “Sure thing, Bill.” Ben went into the
Millicent had been well beyond fed-up kitchen and ruffled through some of the
for some time, and her R-brain was file folders on the table. He returned
proceeding towards a state of agitation shortly with a thick document of flimsy
that would not have been out of place pages.
among predators fifteen million years “You see, Mrs. Bennett,” he said,
ago. “Look what’s happened to this “we bought your house while you both
house!” were on the porch outside. The deal
“Surely you must have insurance.” came in over the porta-fax. In fact, we
“| think somebody’s on the rag, Bill.” bought all the houses.”
Despite centuries of societal condi- “We own Stratford Heights,” Bill
tioning to the contrary, Millicent put said.
her fist in Ben’s face. He pitched over “Well,” Ben continued, “we already
the indented hood of the Toyota, his owned the land. It used to be a burial
head causing the exposed air filter, rat- ground for experimental laboratory
tling around among pieces of engine in animals. But | assure you the amount
the hoodless car, to pivot on the back of residual radiation is well within the
of his neck and snap onto his shoulders limits we have defined as safe.”
like a collar. It looked vaguely Elizabe- “I can’t believe this.” Millicent was
than. stunned. “Our house was never up for
“We can have you hanged for that!” sale!”
Bill snapped at Millicent. “That's just a technicality, ma’am,”
“Hey, never mind there, Bill. ‘Kitten Bill said.
with a whip’— like it!” “\t’s all in here, Mrs. Bennett.” Ben
“You always did go in for the kinky handed her the document.
stuff, Ben.” Millicent absently flipped through
“Carburetor,” Roger said. the thick sheaf of paper. My house, she
“All right,” Millicent said. “This is thought. How could they buy my
what | want to happen. First, | want to house without me wanting them to buy
see your boss or manager or homecom- it? She would get a lawyer. She would
ing queen or whatever. Then | want sue. No one was going to take her
you and your high-tech dildo design- house away from her.
ers to get all your stuff out of here. Then “Um, if you'll notice on page sev-
we’re all going to get ourselves lawyers, enty-five, you both signed in agreement
62 DINOSAUR DREAMS
of the deal.” though few were likely to mourn that.
“I signed no such thing!” He hardly noticed the entourage of ice-
“Remember that registered letter cream vans following him, but when
from your brother? You signed for that, he did, he took great delight in destroy-
didn’t you?” ing them, too. It was a wonderful night!
“But—” Maybe this place wasn’t so bad, after
“Always read the fine print, ma’am.” all.
“So now what? Do we just leave? He was making a beeline through
Did we get our asking price, or did we the Touchstone Terrace condominium
just sign away the house for free?” development when he saw the First
“Uh oh...” Ben started uncomfort- Desdemona Congregation of the
ably. Stratford Heights Universal Church.
“Wasn’t that in the contract?” Bill Mighty, it was, and tall. He felt com-
mumbled. pelled to go to it, even though he didn’t
“Look how thick it is, Bill; we tried really understand why, even though he
to think of everything...” wasn’t sure if it was the best thing for
“So now what do we do, Ben?” him to do. He tore off the front of it, and
Ben shrugged. looked inside. A calm came over him.
“We haggle,” he said. A rising sense of fulfillment. He stared
at the unfamiliar decorations within for
Within thirty minutes of the opening several long moments. One of the
credits of Dirty Harry, he went crazy. strange animals that infested this place
It was almost beyond his control. All seemed to be floating at one end. Its
that pent-up frustration, the sense of arms were outstretched, the way his
powerlessness... Then the thought were, when he cried his triumph at the
came unbidden into his mind: You’re end of a hunt. He felt... Inspired! Yes,
invincible, you're angry, and you have that was it! Inspired!
the right to destroy anything that gets He turned away from the church
in the way. He started by smearing the and returned to the task of laying waste
Midsummer Night Drive-In over the to the planned community.
surrounding countryside. He felt no less violent and destruc-
You don‘ fit in, the system doesn‘t tive, but now, at least, he felt violent
want you. and destructive with a purpose.
What on Earth was “the system”?
Get even at all costs. Bill was back in the kitchen, monitor-
Well, that much he could under- ing the radio as the Tyrannosaurus rex
stand. He happily set to the task of get- laid waste to Stratford Heights. Ben, on
ting even. the other hand, was having his sensi-
Anything upright was game. bilities severely shaken by Millicent.
Houses, trees, the water tower. He de- “It’s coming this way!” Bill shouted
stroyed the sewage treatment plant in from the kitchen.
about forty minutes, noting that the Ben wiped his forehead with an al-
smell was barely worse than the smell ready soaked handkerchief.
that always seemed to pervade this “Please, Mrs. Bennett. Can’t we do
place. He destroyed Hamlet High, this outside?”
 ERIK JON SPIGEL 63
“We don’t leave this house until we “Okayokayokay. Two million per
setile on a fair price for it. Oh, and my lot. Good, fair price. Still cheaper than
name is Jacobson. Millicent Jacobson. a Stealth. Or a wrench.”
| never changed it.” Ben was already packing things up
7
“It’s tearing apart the High School as he agreed to Millicent’s terms.
Shrieked Bill. “Bill! Bill! Come on! We got it; let’s
“Please Mrs. Be— Jacobson.” get going!”
“Ms. Jacobson. Now, what was the Roger, who had gone unnoticed for
last figure we were working with?” most of the discussion, now quietly got
“| don’t care! | don’t care! Name any up to answer the front door, having
price; I’ll sign it! Just let’s get out of heard the same anemic buzzing sound
here!” that had announced the arrival of Bill
“You do remember we agreed to and Ben.
record all this?” Millicent indicated the “Good evening madam,” a bullet-
tape recorder. shaped device said in a harsh metallic
“Yes, yes; anything.” voice. “May | assume | am addressing
“| mean, you've just basically the lady of the house?”
handed us a blank check.” Roger whimpered.
“| know what I’m doing!”
“It’s taking apart a church now! My The second time bomb almost worked
God, is nothing sacred anymore!” the way it was supposed to. At least it
“Do you agree to the terms you’ve worked in the right direction. Almost.
just stated?” He was happily back among his
“Yes, yes, yes. | agree to any terms beloved cycads, face once again bur-
named by Millicent Jacobson on behalf ied in the entrails of a Plateosaurus. He
of General Design Systems, in return for didn’t know how he got back, but he
which she'll let us get out of here!” was pleased that he had. In fact, he
“Oh God, Ben. The reports are just chalked it up to his own superior
coming in from the sewage treatment predator’s cunning and skill. He es-
plant. There’s shit everywhere!” caped a hostile environment barely
Ben looked frantically in the direc- scathed, and all was intact, even
tion of the kitchen. though he now insisted on attaching
Millicent leaned back in her chair palm fronds to his feet, and required his
and nonchalantly closed her eyes for a offspring to kneel before him. But he
few moments. comforted himself that despite his har-
“Okay,” she said. “Here are the rowing ordeal, he was, at least, not
terms. Two million dollars per lot, for changed by the experience. All was
everyone in Stratford Heights.” well.
“Are you crazy! There’s no way—” Roger and Millicent, and all the re-
Millicent sighed. maining survivors of Stratford Heights
“| could hold you to your agree- graciously accepted their checks for
ment, but personally, | see no reason two million dollars from General De-
to play hardball. Why don’t-we just sit sign Systems and continued on happily
back, take a breather, and start the bar- with their lives. Roger eventually recov-
gaining process all over again, hm?” ered, although Millicent realized she
64 DINOSAUR DREAMS
couldn’t tell the difference. Despite General Design Systems.
that, all was well. All was:well.
Bill and Ben finally consummated Meanwhile, however, William
the homosexual love affair implied by Shakespeare was having some diffi-
the overt maleness of their working culty getting on the 1A bus uptown to
relationship. They decided to quit Osric Lane. And no astronomer had
General Design Systems and go to as yet noticed that the primordial as-
work for children’s educational pro- teroid whose impact had led to the
gramming. All was well. last great dinosaur extinction had
Stratford Heights was restored as a been liberated from the late Creta-
planned community and a burial ceous period and was now purpose-
ground for experimental laboratory fully making its way towards twenti-
animals, owned and operated by eth-century Earth. ¢

ERIK JON SPIGEL, a Toronto writer, has lived in Japan and is currently
working on his MA in East Asian Studies at the University of Toronto,
focusing on Japanese art and literature, as well as East Asian philoso-
phy. His other interests include classical music and jazz, and he is learn-
ing to play the shakuhachi, a Japanese bamboo flute.

ILLUSTRATOR: PETER FRANCIS lives in Halifax, Nova Scotia, with his

wife, Luisa, and an insane cat. He has been exhibiting his work at con-
ventions for over ten years, and has contributed to several magazines.
 A MUCH UPDATED RUIN

J.B. Sclisizzi
illustrated by Richard Leggatt

Still we must take chances, choose our next minute, stutter earthly acts and words
to them, signals from simpler but more fatal galaxies, little truths to their taste that
will just suffice to lose us, and hours and hours that will tunnel into us and bring
us back to a confused beginning, to a slow building up towards never, towards
afterwards, towards burning out.

— Homero Aridjis/Persephone

In an overly illuminated lab in montreal wilder/pentield works late map-

ping the lobes of digital advertising onto a sedated mcluhan. The mar-
shal waits alone in a sensory deprivation chamber, his skin pasted with
a chemical compound consisting of, amongst other poisons, peanut
butter and german diesel fluid. On the screen of his mind flickers the
blankness of uninterrupted black leader. He coheres with the avant
garde.

Carmen watches fare-scoffing anorexics in hot pinks and green, all grunge, all
butchered hair and uncaring. A man, his light brown pants too long, stepped
on, wet and torn and ripped, a pea green suit jacket old, worn, too small, and
a black and gray toque even though this was may. You wouldn’t notice at first
that he wasn’t wearing shoes or socks because his feet were such a dark brown,
an urban mud which totally enveloped the ruralness of bare feet. He ordered
66 A MUCH UPDATED RUIN

\y
null,
( |
 J. Bs SCLISIZZI 67
cappuccino with cinnamon, telling | let nietzsche outside, her whiskers
the proprietor after it arrived that he twitching tentatively in the rock bot-
would pay next time. The proprietor tom temperature of the december
shrugged a helpless damascus shrug: morning, her raccoon markings offer-
sure, pay me next time. ing no camouflage against the thin
layers of ice and snow which deco-
And I, and tomorrow. And then the rate the neighborhood. Wondering as
next day launches ahead with little | start the engine: are birds as alien as
more regard than the littlest wave on their feline predators? | bandy around
a smaller pond than the icy patch out- the various possibilities and specula-
side my front door. | step but cau- tive permutations of this intriguing
tiously, curiously awakened to the thesis as | whisk in and out of traffic
sound of birds chirping in flat tones with the expertise of a go-cart enthu-
somewhere above my head, some- siast. The radio announces another
where entrenched, ensconced in the political assassination in burundi,
cavities of my garage. The products another plague of wild locusts in
of their waste lay in delicate impres- somalia (are there plagues of tame
sionistic patterns upon the cold hood locusts?), a film shooting in new/
of my jetta. | smile at their attempts baghdad with saul/rubinek as
at art, amused by the encroachment saddam/hussain. The weather re-
of nature into the domain of human- porter, her voice cutting in and out
ity. through the rotor blades of the heli-
copter, calls for more snow.
And then:nietzsche, her clinging
claws pulling at and unraveling the How mortified the morphology, the
threads of my birthday sweater, dares remainders of the day. His computer
to rub her infested little neck against image swirls into new topologies, en-
mine with a purring sound so fake | hanced patterns of psychometero-
can only imagine the years of method logical systems. Heidegger injects the
acting she has had to endure to reach syringe with a roaring cry, his head
this stage. | am horrified by the smell tilts upwards, eyes piercing through
she exudes, so late night and brutal. the cracked dome ceiling. His snort-
So down right bestial! If it wasn’t for ing breath inhales the melange of
that family of rodents which moved overhanging circuits and charge-
in somewhere behind the kitchen coupled devices. There are no tears,
cupboards | would have rid myselfof no words of forgiveness. No god to
her long ago. Felines, someone said, save him.
are an alien race sent from beyond al- He was lying in a burnt-out base-
pha centauri and entrusted with the ment—or was it the war?
mission of sucking us free of love and | was kneeling in a broken down
compassion. Sucking out our love relic, a coffee-stained percolator relic
wallets. barely old enough to be on the shelf.
Waiting. The long forgotten waiting.
68 A MUCH UPDATED RUIN
And you, with mouth so tory with and heads within.
eyes deeper than my grandfather’s
mattress, sinking into mine; no, slid- On the screen the u.s. government
ing away from mine with nowhere to displays its latest advance in
go. Nowhere but the imagination and peaceware: an orbiting satellite of
there | find the clutter so filling that neuroadvertising. The technological
years of attica plunder still fails to dis- innovations are explained to the pub-
cern, to distinguish, one reality from lic via a sampled jack/kerouac in con-
one fatal plunge. And I, plunging versation with Data. Heidegger lurks
from here to the abyss there. in the background holding a shaky
| was lying in a burnt out basement cappuccino in both hands.
holding on to the memory of hands Forgetting that the terminal is set to
pulling, tunics ripping, insignias fall- random, Duncan watches the images
ing into murky puddles, so ice cold cut away along the preselected chan-
fresh. Diving for insignias, someone, nels: an al/pacino film, a middle east-
away from the bullets which wait ern war or war movie, a soccer game,
behind boulders so hidden by the a live kidnapping, a Thunderbirds re-
rain, by the single-file movement of run, the new twin/peaks series,
us, the one before me and the one af- andrew/mccarthy as johnny/quest,
ter, the one seen and the other heard, nuclear explosions, revolutions in
and nothing really heard but my mind pakistan, magicians in alaska, a cook-
wandering as my feet trudge the ing class, a cryptology class, a neuro-
course on automatic, my eyes on mapping class, a reading by thomas/
their own, wary of the tipping of pynchon, interactive woodstock, a
wings, the sudden avian signal of in- live version of Doom, jethro/tull in
coming obstacles or enemies. concert, current trends in tuberculo-
sis or radiation sickness, leos/carax in
Bespeckled Dr. Spectre relaxes on the conversation, a raoul/ruiz festival, the
bordello balcony exhaling mushroom falling tower of pisa, sex among
clouds into the air, memories of god grown pygmies, sex between con-
and country fading away, the encom- senting nuns, theological arguments
passing gloom distorting with silence against the conspiracy of swallows, a
the agonies of her incoming cries. theatrical version of Skikasta, a mu-
The radio at his feet plays a static so- sical version of Being and Nothing-
nata, the tv monitors overhead storm ness, a literary debate between
down in a white-noise waterfall. The samuel/r/delany and marilyn/hacker,
good doctor is at peace. He ignores the latest update on the holocaust, a
the burning red and blue warning live version of American Psycho star-
lights transmitted to his dry, withered ring bret/easton/ellis, william/s/
eyes by optical wireless—the famil- burroughs on pet and gun control,
iar tale of another barbarian at the pee/wee/herman on onto-theology,
gates. With rolled eyes and bored kathy/acker on babysitting, a
sigh he throws down the stock reports brazillian hanging, a russian crime
 J, Be SCLISIZZI 69
syndicate, a los/vegas wedding, a
mexican divorce, a hollywood end- Dr. Spectre addresses the u.n. with a
ing, the end of the world as we know laser baton in his belt and a cat in his
it, and a baby’s arm holding an apple. arms. He orders everyone out of the
As the u.s. government returns, the global village by sundown last. Un-
station cuts to a commercial. diplomatic laughter ensues, but the
doctor can only smile.
The coldness of my heart is now im-
mune to the dissolution of friend- Memories of an alaskan warehouse
ships. The comings and goings of grip Carmen with the relentlessness of
those whom | loved in my idealism a commercial espresso machine. She
have been replaced by a quantifiable performs a sleight-of-hand dusting
algorithm which takes into consider- along fireplace objects held in ex-
ation aspects of moral, ethical, and treme close-up: a photograph of a
epistemological perspectives. The young girl, a couple at dinner, cop-
weltanschauung of others are care- ies of the Qur’an and | Ching, a ce-
fully sifted and analyzed in advance ramic jar with japanese characters.
for their degrees of compatibility with She dreams awake of squealing
my own. Each friday | consult the on- tires in old movies.
line advice of my ideo-astrologist for
designing the course of my following The darkness of twilight at the last
week, and invariably | tailor my pole, the last pole of daylight when
thinking in accordance with maxi- love overcomes my mind, a sink hole
mum sociability and minimum argu- of desire of despair of anger and de-
mentation. light when there’s nothing else to
On my calendar, the days outlined hold onto but love and love is so far
in red represent my periods of idio- away its dim incandescence bleeds
syncratic philosophizing. | connect towards me only half-heartedly. Why
with those of my radioactive wave- is this the only way? Where is the last
length for round table discussions of salvation of tomorrow’s deadline?
current events and gaming trends, And the next day? What pieces of filth
sniffing around the dregs of the will drip down, awaiting, hung in
ethernet for the titillation of unstable suspense until | take the fatal step that
prose and disrupted narratives. lands me in the water scum? These
days shall never come again. | am the
Who is it who hides within the noted last one to even want to come this
cloak? The narrative cloak with the way. Never again shall | consent to
cagian soundtrack outside where | such a procedure. The hours which
should be. If only | could relinquish drift by like the scudding clouds of a
the last spikes pounded through my tangier nightfall awaken me to rever-
feet which hold me down for a to- ies even the blandest dreams cannot
morrow which my lack of rsvp sug- dissipate. And to think of what | have
gests | don’t believe in. had to undergo to come out here,
70 A MUCH UPDATED RUIN
here where stories can be told in all perately wanting to wrestle control of
their pristine dishonesty! For truth is the program from Carmen but to no
the banal essence of the wonder of an avail.
experience which still remains be- Death is not an issue.
yond the pale of language. And Duncan returns to the couch and
tomorrow’s language? Still a day sets the tv terminal on manual, click-
away. A long day when the sun re- ing through a dozen or so programs
fuses to go gently into the emptying before stopping at Slaughter 5000,
night; the day when death burns out the new comedy troupe from
the sun with a whimpering bang. This england. He masturbates during the
is the day | long for. This is the last commercials.
moment of my belief system.
When | am sad and sit in my room in
Pyke strolls through a long memory of the dark listening to old records,
contused people, kicking through the growing more and more melancholy
leaves of thin white ash which con- and depressed, | know this is actually
gregate around his ankles. Autumn a revitalization of my sanity. At those
continues eternal. times when I am full of joy, or fear,
He runs the updated program on or some other powerful emotion
the computer, clicking his way which fills me with the substance of
through a swarm of digital land- life, | know that | am actually sepa-
scapes, a morphed series of charac- rated from my reality. My mind,
ters and scenarios. The room has when dispassionate, and capable of
adopted the odour of sulphur. rational, objective consideration,
He observes Carmen’90 pixel her views my situation in the three di-
way through a random sequence of mensions of the classically repro-
enclosures, watches as she follows duced world: | see the blunt, quotid-
the sound of wind to a door on which ian nature of my reality, of my exist-
she clicks, follows with her the trail ence within the world. Emotions
of heavy breathing which serpentines colour my world with artificial tints;
down a long winding path to what they add to the unreality of my appre-
appears to be a basement door. She hension of my, and the world’s, ex-
clicks and they enter. istence.
Prostrated before the golden age of | have no desire to exist primarily
television is Duncan, a crown of in false consciousness.
thorns tattoo on his bald head and Melancholy is the sign of my grasp
two small streams of blood escaping on reality, it signals the removing of
from his nostrils. As Carmen goes to veils, the dispensing of illusions. Is
click on the body Pyke tries ineffec- this too grim a personal philosophy?
tually to stop her: Duncan leaps up Have | ignored the positive, construc-
with a 12-inch knife and begins re- tive elements which attend the final
peatedly stabbing Pyke’s body. Pyke dissolution of the psyche down to the
falls to the ground, unbleeding, des- raw core of the rational?
 J). B. SCLISIZZ1 ri
Without doubt. But those consid- french manifestos, american credit
erations have no place here. They cards, russian ice picks, african racial
must of necessity be left to the sequel. laws, chilean billy clubs, italian con-
doms, israeli fences, iraqi posters,
On Data’s country estate, spot and iranian veils, irish pulpits, canadian
nietzsche are busy forging themselves constitutions, german wanderlust,
a new reality wherein they can be hu- and u.n. neutrality.
man. We watch them take off across
the front field, noting their direction, More than slightly intoxicated,
thinking to ourselves that whichever Duncan flips through the bordello
reality they leave behind must be the pictodext and orders another: this one
one to which we belong. was east/indian, 22, with large beau-
tiful lips and a degree in socio-genet-
On the beach Pyke waits for some- ics. “It’s all so depressing.”
thing other than shelter. Raised rifles
hold him in their scopes of twisted The nose-ringed woman was cute but
destruction. The scene reminds him he kept going.
of an old film noir or a french film Pyke poses in three-quarter shot, a
with bad subtitling. He rubs his hands thin smile under broad nose thick
across the stubble of his face to erase dark hair parted left and cut short.
as many present memories as he can, He’s leaving, the car waiting, a white
but the voiced-over narration returns t-shirt hiding his chest under an open
to remind him of questions unasked long-sleeved shirt; he exits on a roll,
and emotions repressed. paper and pen tucked in pocket wait-
ing. As the shutter clicks he smiles
Hot lights draw steam from good/bye and we think: kerouac for-
Carmen’s rebellious tattoos. The good got to shave this morning, he forgot
doctor lights another cigarillo and to sleep last night; we think: this is
blows green smoke into her tightly re- Pyke.
strained face. He claps his hands and
laughs at her heroic bravado, her in- And the wasteland grows. The re-
cessant growling. mains of a sidewalk, cracked,
“We will fight you on the seas and dislevelled, the scattered morning pa-
oceans, the hills and valleys, the pers already covering a block and still
moons and moonlets. We will never going. Scudding sections keep to the
surrender.” sidewalks, ignoring the road, the traf-
Behind the torrent of her rhetoric fic.
she is a bundle of frayed nerves, bab-
bling like a towering automaton, her Dr. Spectre gazes with approval at
mind captivated by the horror of the her mannequin features, the way her
good doctor’s operating theatre and hair flows around the exposed
his displayed exhibition of serbian nipples of her topless examination
flags, british oars, chinese opium, gown, a modernist picture of black
72 A MUCH UPDATED RUIN
on black. She just another misguided Duncan could see through his
revolutionary filled with moralistic memory the exact path they were tak-
idealism, another misprogrammed ing; each time the bus made a turn,
child still battling parental tyranny. so did his mental imaging. Now and
Carmen’s eyes: purified fire; her then he would open his eyes and
smile: a sudden orgasm. compare his memory with the road of
Dr. Spectre listens with unusual reality: he found the map disturbingly
patience to her fossil discourse, con- perfect.
cocting his homemade brew, his spe- An hour or so later, as Duncan be-
cial virus designed to unglitch her gan falling asleep, the bus driver
system and wipe the program clean cranked up the radio much to his dis-
in a blaring of midnight trumpets. pleasure; it was an ancient rush song
Fuck Nature if she abhors the pure, which finally lulled him to other
the vacuum, the self-possessed; this worlds:
world nothing but the hollow home And the men who hold high
which devours its occupants. places
The good doctor lectures her on must be the ones to start
the romanticism of tragic early ends, to forge a new reality
on the contrived nature of theologico- Closer to the Heart.
historical tales of being nailed to the
didactic cross. The band strikes up a new tune, the
To live means to give up the ghost, drum rolls begin. Dr. Spectre cocks
he says. Cold chills crawl along her his eyebrows in a pre-arranged signal
black and blue veins. and sets the wheels of climax into
motion.
Conspiracy relieves the night of wit- “We shall not be overcome!”
nesses. Snippets of dialogue. A roll of The good doctor smiles a loving,
celluloid, 35mm, left hanging from a devoted smile. He even fights back a
peg near the refrigerator. The exposed tear as the dropped floor beneath
bulb dangling from the ceiling has too Carmen’s feet cuts short the historical
much wattage for the space. Their moment of her final speech:
eyes cringe. She notices the wrinkles You bast—
around his eyes.
From the artists colony telescope,
Duncan boards the bus with only 20 Pyke watches the starships preparing
or so others. to leave, noting with some wry
Not a very large gene pool to re- amusement that the armada is being
populate the planet. headed by the uss/gilligan.
Although most of the seats were
empty he crowds in with a jewish or Back at the bordello Dr. Spectre is in
muslim man and his two sons, clos- a foul mood. Some child is running
ing his eyes as the bus pulls out along amok in the phoenica/room creating
bay street. Even with his eyes shut a fierce amount of noise and I’m
 J. Bs SCLISIZZI 2
afraid the good doctor is going to fire
off a bolt and send the kid to damna- Dr. Spectre relaxes on the bordello bal-
tion. As a preventative measure | aim cony blowing cyclones into the cor-
a buffer beam in his direction and take roded sunset.
off in search of the kid. “A beautiful evening for a wake.”
The young boy runs towards me His shrouded bride waits below, her
laughing and grabs my hand; he wants white gown twisted around her body in
to show me how the pencil sharpener a flattering style, her eyesockets deco-
works on bic lighters. Oh, no, | think, rated with a spectral camouflage of
this could be the final straw, and so | black circles. Carmen strains at her
instinctively multiply the intensity of my mental leash, her days rotating within
counteracting beam to ward off the in- a blinding expanse of black noise.
evitability of the doctor’s ballistic anger. Dr. Spectre orders more almonds
Unfortunately, | miscalculate, and and red wine for his wife and calls for
set the energy level too high, inadvert- her to join him on the balcony. They
ently destroying everyone in the world stand together in a strange silence, eyes
including the damned little boy. skyward, watching as the sun heads for
a much updated ruin. As they embrace
When nothing remains. The passion in a kiss, the nuptial bed only metres
dissipated, the heart worn down and away, they miss the final setting of the
out. Nothing left but nothing left but sun.
nothing left. And then the dregs. And The sun setting one last time before
the wasteland has nowhere to grow. fizzling out forever. ¢

J. B. SCLISIZZI waits patiently each day for his desktop publishing job
at the CBC to be extinguished. He has three unpublished novels lurk-
ing in his Toronto apartment, and would like to see Tom Waits as the
new James Bond.

ILLUSTRATOR: RICHARD LEGATT is a freelance illustrator who lives,

works, eats, and sometimes sleeps in Toronto.
 WINTER ACONITE?’

Sandra Kasturi

| know you thought you hid it well from me

but | found the skin anyway
slightly musty perhaps
in one of our body-sized attic trunks

| don’t know why it never occurred to you

that I’d go looking
it might have been better
if you had never let me force the truth from you

| know you thought I’d find it hard to believe

but really
the signs were all there
your eyebrows
the palms of your hands
your once-monthly excursions

| don’t know why | can’t seem to let it go

but since | found it
it’s in my head
in my head

1
wolfsbane
 SANDRA KASTURI 713

your soft skin it’s the skin

it burns in my mind’s-eye your beautiful skin
like nothing else | take it out of the trunk
every day now
| know that I’ve become strange to you and stroke
you have that narrow watchful look stroke
in your eye its soft shining silver fur
now finger its honed white teeth

do you know what I’ve been doing tomorrow

up in the attic tomorrow night
when you aren’t home I'll try iton
and | feel the need to kill to check the fit
time before you get home
| think maybe you suspect
shall | wear it
but do you know just for you
how it calls to me
I'll be waiting for you
you must know when you get home
you of all I'll be in the bedroom
people in my new silver pelt
must know
look
look at it shine
in the round moon light

SANDRA KASTURI is a Toronto poet and, once her attention span in-
creases, a short story writer. She is an aficionado of Ogden Nash,
Tchaikovsky, certain Ottawa/Toronto and Longueuil science fiction
writers, Magritte, Sinatra, Raymond Chandler, Glenfiddich, and Jean-
Luc Picard.
 \
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 ABE EVER AFTER

Laurie Channer
illustrated by Mitchell Stuart

Two dozen black, broad-brimmed hats over white shirts over dark trou-
sers drew near along the dirt laneway. The wheat field behind them
made the picture perfect and | ran for my camera. In deference to the
attitudes of these old order Mennonites, | took few pictures during this
week of field research for my thesis on splinter communities, but this
composition was too stunning to pass up.

The women had prepared an outdoor lunch set up in the yard back of the
Buhler’s place on a long trestle table. The menfolk were taking their midday break
from harvesting. Like as not, they’d continue through till midnight with their horse-
drawn threshers. The women’s bonnets and dark dresses bustled around the tables,
as they piled on rolls, pies, cold meat, corn and bowI after bowl of potato salad.
Before coming here I’d heard a joke that when Mennonites had a potluck, every-
body brought the potato salad. | didn’t believe it was an exaggeration any more.
| helped with the food, dodging the children who had eaten earlier and were
now chasing each other in a game of tag all around the yard. I’d learned on my
first day in the community that no one would consent to be interviewed until the
work at hand was done, so to expedite matters, | pitched in. I’d even put away
my jeans and started wearing the only skirt I’d brought. Not that my bright, In-
dian-printed crinkle-chiffon fit in with the plain dresses and white aprons, but it
was a modest length, and | didn’t feel like | was offending sensibilities as much.
As we finished loading down the table, the men took turns at the pump between
the Buhlers’ house and barn, removing their hats to wash, rinsing the dust and
78 ABE EVER AFTER
chaff off their faces and hands. The hats grasped the bright yellow cob of corn
stayed off as they seated themselves for delicately. He nodded. and murmured
the prayer over the meal. The kids his thanks in Plattdeutsch, the Low Ger-
stopped running. man these Mennonites spoke when
Peter Klassen said the blessing. they weren’t talking to me or other out-
Much as | tried to show respect for their siders.
customs, | couldn’t help snitching a | stared until Berthe Muller called me
look over my folded hands at the heads over to a side table to help cut apple
bent in prayer. They were young and pies for dessert. | backed away slowly,
old, and being of German descent, simultaneously very sure and very un-
those heads that weren’t silver were sure of what I’d seen. No one else at
topped with golden wheat-coloured the table behaved as if there was any-
hair. thing unusual in their midst. | began to
Most. One lowered head down the wonder if, as the sole bonnetless
table near the biscuits wasn’t blond, or woman, I'd gotten too much sun.
silver. It was bald, but there were a few “Berthe, who’s that?” | pointed.
of those, too. No, what set this one “Who?” she replied, looking up at
apart was that it looked decidedly the row of men wolfing down their
green. | craned surreptitiously, and lunch.
caught sight of an oddly-shaped ear just Somehow, even though we were
as the chorus of Amens sounded and looking at a bunch of Mennonites and
the black hats reappeared like a flock what | now firmly believed was an alien
of ravens settling on the faithful. being, it felt ridiculous to say, “The
Two dozen arms reached for food green one”.
and | lost him in the flurry. Grabbing “The one with three fingers,” | said.
the nearest pitcher of lemonade, | leapt That was a safe place to start.
up to play waitress so | could scan the “Oh, that’s Hermann Hildebrandt,”
faces. | passed up and down the table, she answered in her heavy accent,
studying the broad brims bent as ear- turning back to the pies. “He lost two
nestly over their food as the bare heads fingers in a mower last spring.”
had been over their prayer. | went This was no farming accident. “No,
through the motions of pouring, slosh- Berthe,” | said. “Three fingers on each
ing a fair bit of the lemonade as | hand. Next to Hermann.”
watched people instead of glasses. A “With green skin, you mean? Why
flicker of colour down the row caught didn’t you say? That’s Abe,” she replied
my eye again as a green arm in a rolled- matter-of-factly, and walked away with
up white sleeve reached for the platter the pies.
of corn. | slammed Henry Fehr’s glass
back down half-filled and bustled over. | managed to get several of the women
“Lemonade?” talking while we washed and dried
He couldn’t have been a more text- dishes. The men had gone back to the
book alien. His skin stretched tightly fields.
over a wedge-shaped face. The eyes | did my best to act casual. “Where
were huge and entirely coal-black. did Abe come from?”
Three-fingered, leaf-green hands “Jakob Dyck’s cornfield,” Anna
 LAURIE CHANNER 79
Krueger said. “His—” she had trouble munity wasn’t vain enough to feel pride
with the word and turned to consult in in having taken her in, they were just
Plattdeutsch with a couple of the oth- happy that Michelle had been happy
ers. “His machine,” she went on, “had among them.
an accident there. Ten years ago. He As inspiring a story as it was,
has been with us ever since.” Michelle was small potatoes now.
Of course. A UFO in a cornfield. “Listen, I said, “backto Abe. I’m not
Textbook. “What about the—” | a Mennonite,” | said. “Could | ask him
searched for my own word, and de- about where he came from?”
cided against planet, “—place he came Several of the women flashed
from?” puzzled, why would you want to?
The women all shrugged at each looks and Anna laughed out loud.
other. “Nobody asked about it,” “You're not wanting him for yourself
Renetta Klassen finally said. “He didn’t are you? He’s already married to
tell us, so we didn’t pry.” Jakob’s daughter Sarah.”
It took all of my willpower not to | was stunned. I’d met Sarah the day
jump and shake everybody by the before. “Married? Really?”
shoulders. “You don’t know anything 4a,” Berthe chimed in, “but poor
about where he’s from? How could you Abe, they have no children. Sarah is
not ask?” barren.”
My frustration must have shown The others nodded sadly. “It’s very
because Elsie, a plump, grandmotherly odd,” Renetta added, “because the
woman, stepped over and put a hand Dyck women all bear many children.”
on my arm. “We just don’t,” she said. They were still puzzling over that
“It’s our way. When someone comes mystery as | excused myself to go and
to the community, they are accepted. write up a whole new set of interview
Do you know about Michelle?” she questions.
asked eagerly.
Michelle was the reason I'd focused Someone had passed the word, and
on this particular group, after reading when | showed up that evening on the
an old newspaper article. Twenty years porch of Abe’s plain wooden house
ago, Michelle had been trapped in a which was virtually identical to every
man’s body, a would-be transsexual other farmhouse in the town, he was
who, when she came to the realization waiting for me, rocking and smoking a
at the age of fifty, found oppression as corncob pipe. So was Jakob Dyck, an
she tried to transform her life and live elder of the town, a thin, sixtyish man
as a woman in the city. She’d found this with many years of hard farming be-
community, and they'd taken her in as hind him and many more ahead.
she was, physically male, searching for “Good evening, Jakob, | didn’t ex-
inner peace and acceptance as a fe- pect to see you,” | said politely. It was
male. Michelle had lived easily with Jakob who had explained my presence
the Mennonites, in bonnet and plain to the others at their Sunday service
dress, quilting, cooking and babysitting nearly a week before. Much as |
until she died at sixty-five a few years wanted to talk to Abe alone, it wouldn’t
ago. She’d even had a beau. This com- be respectful to ask Jakob to leave.
80 ABE EVER AFTER
“Abe has no English, only Another exchange followed be-
Plattdeutsch,”
Jakob replied in his thick tween the two men. To the untrained
German accent. Jakob barely had En- ear, their Plattdeutsch sounded a little
glish himself. “I will translate.” like Yiddish. Jakob finally turned to me
“You mean, he only has again. “Abe is sorry, but he is not
Plattdeutsch and his own language,” | happy in his past. He wishes not to
corrected gently. The cassette recorder speak about it. | wish not to ask him.
in my pocket was waiting to catch a Mennonites know how it is to have a
truly alien tongue. past that is painful.”
Jakob turned in his chair and ex- Of course. Their ancestors had been
changed a few words with Abe. persecuted for centuries and chased
“Nein,” he said, shifting back. across Europe until reaching North
“Plattdeutsch only. He has forgotten America. But surely it was nothing
the other.” compared to what it took to send a lone
My heart sank. Just like that, an alien being hurtling away from his own
tongue had been calmly dismissed for- planet forever. Who could imagine the
ever. Abe didn’t appear the least bit conditions or upheaval in an alien so-
perturbed. | wondered why it didn’t ciety that might force such a drastic
bother him. voyage? It looked like the human race
| turned to Abe. Except for the green would never know now, simply be-
hands and face that were visible, every cause it was impolite to pry.
other inch of him looked the contented The front door squeaked and a
farmer. It struck me that this scene was woman appeared in the doorway. Sa-
far more normal than it should have rah Dyck greeted me in English, then
been. Crickets even chirped in the spoke briefly to her husband. Abe got
darkness. “What was it like where you up and followed her inside. “He will be
came from?” back,” Jakob told me.
Jakob translated for me and Abe re- | took the opportunity of Abe’s ab-
plied. His answer was several sen- sence to try out a theory I’d been mull-
tences long, judging by the cadence ing over on Jakob. “Was it Abe’s ap-
and pauses. He finished and nodded to pearance that caused your group to
Jakob. split off from the Mennonite Central
“Not so good as here,” Jakob said. Committee?” | asked.
“And?” Jakob shook his head. “We have
“Here is better,” Jakob said. been separate for much longer than
“He said more than that,” | pressed. that. It began when my grandfather was
“| heard him.” branded a heretic for putting bells on
“a,” Jakob nodded. “It is all to say his sleigh.”
he is much happier here. Abe is not Another dead end. We sat in silence
missing his old country.” for several minutes. Jakob puffed on his
“Abe,” | said, hoping he’d pick up pipe and | brooded as | stared off into
the gravity of my tone, “I would still like the warm night.
to know anything you can tell me about Finally, he broke the silence. “1
where you’re from. Even the parts you could tell you about Michelle,” the old
don’t think are important.” man said helpfully.
 LAURIE CHANNER 81
“I know about Michelle,” | tried not Abe chattered away and even took
to snap. “Don’t you think Abe is just a me on a tour through his best cornfield
little more unusual than Michelle?” in the moonlight. | gazed wistfully at
“Oh, no,” came the reply. “Abe told the stars. Abe never looked up once.
me once he has always been a man.” Then a thought struck. “What hap-
That gave me an idea and when the pened to the machine?” | asked. “Is the
door squeaked again and Abe returned machine he arrived in still around?”
to his rocking chair, | started in on an- 4a,” Jakob said. “It’s in the barn.”
other tack. “How is your health?” | Abe led the way again, and it took
asked Abe. every ounce of restraint | had not to bolt
This was easier, but still unreward- ahead. He stopped in the barn to fondle
ing. | found out in short order that Abe the soft ears of one of the horses with
was very fit and had never been sick his long, odd fingers before moving to
since he’d been with the Mennonites. an indistinct shape under horse blan-
The air agreed with him, the climate kets. Then he pulled the blankets aside.
agreed with him, and the hard work It had been sleek; the lines were still
very much agreed with him. Even the evident. It had been shiny; Abe fussed
food agreed with him. Jakob caught on at a tiny spot where the flat black paint
and added a conspiratorial aside after had flaked off the lustrous metal. It had
translating one of Abe’s responses. “I been turned into a sleigh. With bells.
know what you’re after,” he said.
“There is something odd about Abe. He The evening wound down. We walked
won't eat potato salad.” He sat back back to the house where Sarah was sit-
with a look of satisfaction at having ting on the porch, waiting for her hus-
imparted something faintly scandalous. band. Milk and cookies were set out.
Propriety reared its head again and Jakob took his leave and headed back
Jakob cut me off before my questions to the Dyck farm. | glumly accepted an
about Abe’s physical condition could oatmeal cookie. Abe swigged milk
get personal. As a woman, | wasn’t gratefully. No doubt all that talking
going to get to hear anything about in- about corn had made him thirsty. |
ternal workings, or parts of the body | didn’t have the heart or energy to grill
couldn’t see when he was fully clothed. Sarah about life with an alien, mostly
| sulked, stonewalled again. because | knew I'd only end up hear-
After another long, silent pause, Abe ing about life with a model farmer.
suddenly broke in animatedly, with | stayed long enough to be polite,
much expansive gesturing toward the then excused myself, asking Sarah to
distance. My heart leapt. He was talk- convey my thanks to Abe for his time.
ing about the stars, or maybe his trip. | They wished me good night and |
waited eagerly for Jakob to pass it all started off down the road to the
on. Klassens, who were putting me up. My
“Abe is very proud of his corn,” ride back to the city would be arriving
Jakob said. “He would like to talk about first thing in the morning. When you
that.” came right down to it, the presence of
It would have been an insult to an alien would have thrown off the
refuse. whole focus of my thesis, anyway. |
82 ABE EVER AFTER
would have had to ignore anything in- language, or any better. Yes, Sarah
teresting | might have gotten. knew exactly what an alien was.
| heard the footsteps before | heard | did now, too.
her call. “Wait, wait!” Sarah caught up e

to me about a hundred yards from their | left the next morning with my note-
gate. “Abe is sorry that maybe he books full of observations on old or-
wasn’t interesting enough for you. He der Mennonite culture, faith and so-
asks instead, have you heard about ciety. They bundled me into the car
Michelle?” with the gift of a hand-sewn apron,
It was all | could take. “I don’t un- several still-warm pies and a bushel
derstand, Sarah,” | said at last. “I know of perfect, sweet, yellow corn grown
you don’t have TV or radios or ro- by a green-skinned, three-fingered
mance novels here, but don’t you farmer.
people realize how different Abe really When my photos came back from
is? He’s an alien!” the lab, | had one stunning shot of
“Alien?” Sarah repeated thought- Mennonite men on a dirt road against
fully. “I don’t know this word.” a field of waving wheat. If you know
“You know,” | pressed on. “Not of what to look for, and you look very
this world. An entirely different being. closely, you can make out that one of
An outsider. From a place where every- the men’s faces, half-hidden by the
thing is different. They communicate brim of his broad black hat, isn’t quite
differently, they don’t use buggies to get the same as the others.
around—” | stopped. Dian Fossey wouldn’t sell out her
The expression on Sarah’s face had mountain gorillas for tourism and |
changed from puzzlement to the be- have too much respect for the Dycks,
mused, slightly paternalistic look I’d the Klassens and the others to turn my
been getting from people all week. photo over to Project Blue Book.
The look that excused my intrusions Besides, the alien disappeared
and gaffes because | came from the ten years ago. He’s been Abe ever
city and didn’t know the customs, the since. °

LAURIE CHANNER is a prize-winning and several-times published short

story writer whose work ranges from mainstream to SF, from the hu-
morous to the deeply weird. She has completed a first SF novel and
doesn’t have nearly enough time to work on her second. Laurie lives in
Toronto and works in the film industry.

ILLUSTRATOR: MITCHELL STUART is a freelance artist who runs

PANGAEA Illustration and Design, based in Sherwood Park, Alberta.
EDSts RS Pe Fen ia ea
Do you have a question concerning life or the true nature of the uni-
verse? Mr. Science can answer it! Send your question to: Ask Mr. Science,
c/o ON SPEC Magazine, Box 4727, Edmonton, AB T6E 5G6

Mr. EH of Vancouver, BC, asks:

(Q] GZ] What is the definition of a “domesticated animal?”

{AJ EJ Any animal for which the Ralston-Purina company makes a “chow” food
product is, by definition, a domesticated animal. One can buy Purina Dog Chow,
Purina Cat Chow, Purina Rabbit Chow, Purina Goat Chow, Purina Hamster
Chow and many others. Their latest trials concern development of a food prod-
uct which will not come apart in salt water and is attractive to crustaceans. When
Purina Horseshoe Crab Chow hits the market later this year, another animal will
have been sucessfully domesticated.

Ms. DM of Vancouver, BC, asks:

(Q] EJ If all the cars are put on one side of a B.C. Ferry, would the ferry turn
over and sink?

(A) EJ First, an explanation for the benefit of our land-locked Alberta, Manitoba
and Saskatchewan readers who are not familiar with bodies of water larger than
a bathtub. A ferry is a large boat which, in this case, can carry over 500 cars
and 2000 passengers on trips over at least 45 kilometers of open water.
If all vehicles with engines which rotate clockwise (as viewed from the front)
are lined up facing forward on the port side, the torque produced by running
their engines at high speed will counteract the natural tendency of their weight
to cause the ferry to list, roll over and sink.
Incidently, in a recent experiment, a ferry with its massive engine flywheel
mounted on a vertical shaft was not a success. It could do nothing but travel in
small circles.

Mr. HG, of Blaine, WA, asks:

[a] EJ The latest value of the Hubble constant shows the universe is much
younger than the oldest visible stars. How is this possible?

[a] EJ The longer light travels the more tired it becomes. As it tires it loses energy,
becoming redder in color. When this factor is taken into consideration in de-
termining the value of the Hubble constant, the age of the universe is found to
be 17.37 billion years, as predicted by Mr. Science long ago. ¢
ON Writing:

SECRET WEAPONS OF SCIENCE

Robert J. Sawyer

Okay—I admit it. I’ve got an arts degree. There, the cat’s out ofthe bag:
despite the cosmology and relativity and paleontology and genetics in
my novels, | haven’t taken a science course since high school.

But, hey, I’m not alone in that among practitioners of hard SF. Look at Fred Pohl,
who writes about artificial intelligence and black holes and quantum theory. He
never even graduated from high school. And, yeah, sure, Kim Stanley Robinson,
who is detailing the terraforming of our neighboring world in his Red Mars tril-
ogy, is indeed Doctor Robinson—but his PhD is in (gasp!) English literature.
So how do we non-scientist SF writers keep up with science? Well, | can’t speak
for everyone, but | rely on six secret weapons.
First, and most important, there’s Science News: The Weekly Newsmagazine
of Science. You can’t get it on any news stand (although many libraries carry it).
I've been a subscriber for thirteen years now, and | credit it with fully half of the
science in my novels and short stories.
Science News is published weekly, and each issue is just sixteen pages long—
you can read the whole thing over one leisurely lunch. Aimed at the intelligent
lay person, it contains summaries of research papers appearing in Nature, Science,
Cell, Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, Physical Review Letters,
The New England Journal of Medicine, and hundreds more, as well as reports from
all the major scientific conferences in Canada and the United States, plus original
feature articles on topics ranging from quarks to the greenhouse effect to Nean-
derthal fossils to junk DNA. There is simply no better source for keeping up to
date.
(Of course, the key is to actually make use of the material. Both Michael Crichton
 ROBERTJ. SAWYER 85
and | read the same little piece in Sci- computer network.
ence News years ago about the possi- MDP contains the full text of over
bility of cloning dinosaurs from blood two hundred general-interest and spe-
preserved in the bellies of mosquitoes cialty publications, many going all the
trapped in amber. Me, | said “Neat!” way back to 1986. Among the titles of
and turned the page; Crichton went off obvious use to SF writers are As-
and made a few million from the idea.) tronomy, Bulletin of the Atomic Scien-
Science News is published by Science tists, Discover, Omni, Popular Science,
Service, Inc., 1719 N Street NW, Psychology Today, Scientific Ameri-
Washington, DC 20036, (202) 785- can, Sky & Telescope, and, yes, good
2255. Canadian subscriptions are old Science News and Time.
US$50.50 for one year; US$84.00 for A year ago, when | was writing my
two years; US subscriptions are novel Starplex, | needed to learn about
US$44.50 for one year; US$78 for two “dark matter’—that mysterious, invis-
years. ible substance that we know, because
My second secret weapon: Time of its gravitational effects, constitutes
magazine. Yup, that’s right: Time. Each ninety percent of our universe. Well, in
year a few issues will have science less than a minute, MDP provided me
cover stories. Buy them—they’re pure with sixty-nine citations of articles on
gold. You won't find better introduc- that topic, ranging from lay discussion
tions to scientific topics anywhere. in the newsmagazines The Economist
Recent examples: The Chemistry of and US News and World Report to
Love (February 15, 1993); The Truth twenty-one articles in—of course—
About Dinosaurs (April 26, 1993); Science News. There’s no charge be-
How Life Began (October 11, 1993); yond normal CompuServe connect-
Genetics: The Future is Now (January time for generating such a bibliogra-
17, 1994); How Humanity Began phy. You can then either head off to
(March 14, 1994); When Did the Uni- your local library and dig up the articles
verse Begin? (March 6, 1995); and In there for free, or you can download the
Search ofthe Mind July 31, 1995). Not full text of any that interest you for
only will each one suggest many story US$1.50 a pop. To access Magazine
ideas (the novel | just finished, Frame- Database Plus, type GO MDP at any
shift, owes a lot to the two 1994 issues CompuServe prompt.
| mention above), but they will also My fourth secret weapon is being a
give you all the background and vo- couch potato. When you get tired of
cabulary you need to write knowledge- staring at your computer monitor, go
ably about the sciences in question. look at your TV screen. The Learning
In fact, | find that magazine articles Channel has several truly excellent sci-
tend to be better than books for giving ence series that they repeat ad infinitum
me what | need quickly and efficiently. (PaleoWorld and The Practical Guide
And that brings me to secret weapon to the Universe are tremendous; Amaz-
number three: Magazine Database Plus ing Space isn’t quite as good).
on the CompuServe Information Ser- My fifth secret weapon is Richard
vice, the world’s largest commercial Morris. Never heard of him? Well, he
86 ON WRITING
writes science-popularization books. call up the public-relations office of
He’s not as famous as Carl Sagan or your local university, museum, or sci-
David Suzuki or Stephen Jay Gould, ence centre and let them find someone
but he’s better than all three of them who you can talk to.
combined. His slim, completely acces- And when you do have your story or
sible books Cosmic Questions: Galac- novel finished, ask the scientist if he or
tic Halos, Cold Dark Matter, and the she will read it over to check for errors.
End of Time (Wiley, New York, 1993) I'd never met Dr. Robert W. Bussard
‘and The Edges of Science: Crossing the (inventor of the Bussard ramjet starship)
Boundary from Physics to Metaphysics or Dr. Dale A. Russell (curator of dino-
(Prentice Hall, New York, 1990) will saurs at the Canadian Museum of Na-
suggest enough story ideas to keep any ture) when | asked them to look at the
hard-SF writer going for a decade or manuscripts for my novels Golden
two. Fleece (which features one of Bussard’s
Still, once you've read all the maga- ramjets) or End of an Era (which is
zines and books, and watched Tom about dinosaurs), but both instantly
Selleck tell you about cosmic strings, agreed and provided invaluable feed-
nothing beats talking to a real scientist. back. Of course, when your story or
Secret weapon number six is the book does see print, do be sure to send
knowledge that many scientists are SF a free autographed copy to anyone
fans. I’ve never had any scientist | who helped you out. But that’s not a
approached refuse to help me. If you secret weapon...it’s just the golden
don’t know any scientists personally, rule. °

ROBERT J. SAWYER is the author of Golden Fleece, Far-Seer, Fossil

Hunter, Foreigner, End of an Era, and The Terminal Experiment. His
fiction has appeared in Analog, Amazing Stories, ON SPEC, and
Transversions. He has a Bachelor of Applied Arts degree in Radio and
Television Arts from Ryerson Polytechnic University, Toronto.
Look What You’re Missing!
For details on how to order back issues of ON SPEC, see the order form on
page 95-96.
Vol. 1, No. 1 (#1) Spring/89 SOLD OUT Kapalka, John Skaife, Michael Hetherington,
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Eileen Kernaghan, Leslie Gadallah, Paula Hammell. Cover: Kenneth Scott.
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Bell, Tor Age Bringsveeld, Clélie Rich, Richard Robert J. Sawyer, Jason Kapalka, Bill Wren,
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Anna Mioduchowska, Sandra Hunter, Catherine KeithScott, Preston Hapon, Rand Nicholson,
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Rhonda Whittaker, Christine Gertz, Cairo & X, O’Grady, M.A.C. Farrant, A.R. King, Wesley
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Edith Van Beek, Leslie Gadallah, Barry Phillip A. Hawke, Jason Kapalka, Wesley
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Barry Hammond, Cheryl Merkel, Anna Bonnie Blake, Kate Riedel, Wesley Herbert,
Mioduchowska, Dot Foster, Diane Walton, & Hugh A.D. Spencer, Brian Burke, Jocko,
Brent Buckner. Cover: Martin Springett. Catherine Girczyc. Cover: Jean-Pierre
Vol. 3, No. 3 (#8) Winter/91. Theme: Humour Normand.
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Hazel Sangster, Carolyn Clink, Allan Goodall, Charles de Lint, Mary E. Choo, Lesley Choyce,
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Major, Donna Farley, & J. Nelson. Cover: Kremberg, Michael Teasdale, Michael Stokes,
Nancy Niles. Spider Robinson, Alice Major, Jocko, Barry
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David Nickle, Inge Israel, J. Nelson, Susan Vol. 6, No. 4 (#19) Winter/94
MacGregor, & Karl Schroeder. Cover: Tim W.P. Kinsella, Alex Link, Keith Scott, Alison
Hammell. Baird, Marcel G. Gagné, Christopher Brayshaw,
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Wesley Herbert, Michael Teasdale, Lyn Southey, Jocko. Art Feature: Robert Pasternak.
McConchie, Sally McBride, Bruce Taylor, Cover; Jean-Pierre Normand.
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Hayward, Lorina J. Stephens, Alice Major. Theme: Horror & Dark Fantasy. Lyle Weis,
Guest Editorial: Lorna Toolis & Michael Skeet. Eileen Kernaghan, Peter Watts, Marie Jakober,
Art Features: Martin Springett, Tim Hammell. Tanis MacDonald, Peter Darbyshire, David
Aurora-winning cover: Lynne Taylor Nickle, L.R. Morrison. Art Feature: Peter
Fahnestalk. Francis. Nonfiction: Barry Hammond, Robert J.
Vol. 4, No. 3 (#11) Winter/92 Sawyer. Cover: Adrian Kleinbergen.
J.R. Martel, Cheryl Merkel, Preston Hapon, Ja- Vol. 7, No. 2 (#21) Summer/95
son Kapalka, Linda Smith, Catherine Girczyc, Heather Spears, Brent Hayward, Mary Soon
Robert Baillie, Sean Stewart (excerpt from Lee, Jason Kapalka, Erik Jon Spigel, Bruce Bar-
Nobody’s Son), Tim Hammell. Cover: Marc ber, Karen Keeley Wiebe, Jan Lars Jensen,
Holmes. Sandra Kasturi, Kirsten Oulton. Art Feature:
Vol. 5, No. 1 (#12) Spring/93. W.B. Johnston. Nonfiction: Robert J. Sawyer.
Theme: Over the Edge— Erik Jon Spigel, M.A.C. Cover: W.B. Johnston.
Farrant, Lyle Weis, Robert Boyczuk, Jason
88 ON SPEC, FALL 1993

ON CONS:
Canadian Convention & Reading Calendar

When contacting conventions for more information, include a Self-Addressed

Stamped Envelope for their reply. Abbreviation code: GoH = Guest of Honor,
TM = Toastmaster.

e SEPT 9 — FALCON
Lord Nelson Hotel, Halifax. Memb: $12 advance, $15 at the door. Info: 1469
Brenton St, Box 160, Halifax NS, B3) 3W7.

e SEPT 10 - QUADCON 6
Talisman Hotel, Ottawa. Relaxacon. Info: PO Box 5752, Merivale Depot, Nepean
ON, K2C 3M1.

e SEPT 15 - 17 - CALGARY GAMING CON 8

Marlborough Community Hall, Calgary. Info: 1835-10th Ave SW, Calgary AB,
T3C OK2.

e SEPT 23 — SCIENCE-FICTION FESTIVAL II

Days Inn, Montreal. GoH: Ed Bishop. Memb: $12 at the door. Info: PO Box 311,
Stn B, Montreal PQ, H3B 3J7

© SEPT 29 - OCT 1 —- WINCON

Wargaming. GoH: Dave Arneson. Info: PO Box 28073, 1453 Henderson High-
way, Winnipeg MB, R2G 4E9.

° OCT 6 - 8 — BANFFCON ’95

Banff Park Lodge, Banff. GoHs: Terry Pratchett, Guy Gavriel Kay. Memb: $40 to
Sept 30/95, $50 at the door. Info: PO Box 20001, Bow Valley Postal Outlet,
Calgary AB, T2P 4H3.

© OCT 27 - 29 — PRIMEDIA 2
Ramada 400/401, Toronto. GoHs: Spider & Jeanne Robinson. Also attending:
George Buza, Rob Wilson, Ed Sahely. Memb: $25 to Sept 30/95, $35 at the door.
Info: 114-22 Tinder Cres, Toronto ON, M4A 1L6. Phone: (905) 820-3844.
 ON SPEC, FALL 1995 89

© OCT 27 - 29 — CONCINNITY 95
Journey’s End Hotel, Kanata. Relaxacon. GoHs: Capucine Plourde, Larry Stewart.
Memb: $20 at the door. Info: 26076-72 Robertson Rd, Nepean ON, K2H 5Y8.

ON SPEC would like to print your Canadian convention and author readings in-
formation. Send us details of your event at least 5 months in advance (to Box 4727,
Edmonton AB, T6E 5G6), and we'll run it free of charge.

The bulk of the information in this column is courtesy of ConTRACT, the Cana-
dian convention newsletter, available from 321 Portage Ave, Winnipeg MB, R3B
2B9 (subscriptions $7 / 6 issues). Send your convention info directly to them, as
well.

BANFECON 95
SCIENCE RCE eIGORNEA N D
FANTAS Y GROBNSVBESNETa!
O N
OcTOBER
6 - 8, 1995 AT THE BANEFIPARKGLODGERINIBANFFE
ALBERTA

COME MEET AUTHOR

TERRY P (CREATOR OF THE DISCWORLD

AT THE BANFF PARK LODGE, OCTOBER 6-8, 1995

BANFFCON ’95
FEATURING: GUESTOF HONOUR TERRY PRATCHETT
ALSO: TOASTMASTER RICK LEBLANC AND FAN GUEST DIANE WALTON
AT THE BANFF PARK LODGE IN BANFF, ALBERTA, OCTOBER 6-8, 1995
MEMBERSHIPS: $35 CDN/$26 US BEFORE JULY 22, 1995;
$40 CON/$30 US BEFORE SEPTEMBER 30, 1995;
$50 CDN ATTHE Door.
BANFFCON '95, P.O. Box 20001, Bow VALLEY POSTAL OUTLET, CALGARY,
ALBERTA, CANADA, T2P 4
1 (403) 283-7367 on EMAIL fa 250 agen.cuug.ab.ca
CONVENTION HOTEL RATES IN EFFECT, PLEASE CALL AHEAD TO CONFIRM
1-800-661-9266 on IN CALGARY CALL 264-4440
90 OWN SPEC, FALL 1995

Visit Canada’ S ie
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THE MERRIL COLLECTION

OF SCIENCE FICTION, SPECULATION,

AND FANTASY

NEW ADDRESS:
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ON the Edge — John Davies

AstererislKaon
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PORTO

Ae

se 2]
CG AGE VE
iaey

© John Danes 1995

© 1995 John Davies
22 ON SPEC, FALL 1993

BAKKA
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 ON SPEC, FALL 1993 22

FORGOTTEN GATEWAY

by Two-Time Aurora Award Winner

Lynne Taylor Fahnestalk
Full colour limited-edition offset lithoprints
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Each print image is 9" x 12" on heavy neutral pH stock.
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94 ON SPEC, FALL 1993

Neat Stuff From ON SPEC!

New Logo J-shirts! — Black 100% cotton

T-shirts with New ON SPEC logo in white (sizes
L-XL-XXL). Only $14.95 (add $2.00 S&H).

Cover J-Shirts — white T-shirts with choice

of cover (Fahnestalk Fall 90, Kleinbergen Spring
91 or Hammell Fall 94) in FULL COLOR! Only
$19.95 (add $2.00 S&H).

Mousepads! — With choice of cover in FULL

COLOR (Fall 90, Spring 91, Fall 94) only $14.95
(add $2.00 S&H).

1995 Calendars! — Get yours NOW, before it’s too late! FULL COLOR collage of
some of our favorite covers. SALE! Only $5.00 (add $1.00 S&H).

Fridge Magnets! — A mere $4.00 buys you a set of 4 FULL-COLOR fridge magnets
featuring covers by Lynne Taylor Fahnestalk, Tim Hammell, Robert Pasternak and Adrian
Kleinbergen. Get a FREE set if you buy a gift subscription!

See pages 95-96 to order. All prices include GST.

Cheque or money order to: ON SPEC, Box 4727, Edmonton, AB Canada T6E 5G6.

CAttention: : Yes!)
2 1: SEND ME THE NEw 1995 CMPA

MAGAZINE JUNKIES; 2222s."

} CATALOGUE. | ENCLOSE MY CHEQUE

: HANDLING ARE COVERED IN THIS

H AMOUNT).

Announcing our 1995 Canadian Magazines for Everyone

Catalogue, with more than 250 magazines to choose from.
Ecstasy.
To get your copy, fill in the coupon and mail it today with
$5 (including GST, shipping, and handling). We are also
happy to take VISA or Mastercard orders by fax or phone.

CMPA
130 Spadina Ave. Suite 202 Toronto ON MsV 2L4
Tel (416) 504-0274 Fax (416) 504-0437 ! Bostat Gooe
 !GENERAL INFORMATION

| ON SPEC is seeking original science fiction, fantasy, horror, ghost or fairy stories, magic
realism, etc. Strong preference is given to submissions by Canadians. Send your short
stories (max. 6000 words), short short stories (under 1000 words) or poetry (max. 100 lines)
| to the ON SPEC address below.

Do NOT send originals. All submissions must include a Self Addressed Stamped Enve-
| lope (SASE) with sufficient postage to cover return of manuscript, or for reply if MS is
| disposable. If submitting from outside Canada, send International Reply Coupons with SAE.

| Submissions must be in competition format (author's name should NOT appear on

| manuscript). Enclose separate cover page with your name, address, phone number, story
| title and word count. Submissions in incorrect format will be returned unread.

| Please send SASE for complete guidelines before submitting.

| Deadlines are November 30/95, February 29/96, May 31/96, and August 31/96.

| Art guidelines and advertising information are available. Please send SASE.

| Canadian orders in Canadian dollars—prices include GST. U.S. and overseas orders in
| U.S. dollars, no tax. Subscriptions, gift subscriptions, and merchandise details on reverse.

| Please direct all mail to: ON SPEC

| P.O. Box 4727
Edmonton, AB
| Canada T6E 5G6
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x Please fill out reverse. AUG 95
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Please complete subscription and merchandise form, and fill in address on reverse.

SUBSCRIPTION INFORMATION (prices include postage and applicable taxes)

CANADIAN 1 YR $19.95 incl. GST Institutional:
2 YR. $34.95 incl. GST $25.00/yr. incl. GST |
3 YR. $49.95 incl. GST |
U.S.A. YR: US$18.00 Institutional: |
2 YR. US$32.00 US$25.00/year
3 YR. US$45.00 |
OVERSEAS 1 YR. US$25.00 Institutional:
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3YR US$60.00

MERCHANDISE AND BACK ISSUES (prices include applicable taxes)

"COVER" T-SHIRTS (S-M-L-XL-XXL) Fahnestalk (Fall90), Kleinbergen (Spr91), or Hammell (Fall94)

white w/choice of cover: $19.95 (plus $2 S&H per item) |
MOUSEPADS Fahnestalk (Fall90), Kleinbergen (Spr91), or Hammell (Fall94) |
with choice of cover $14.95 (plus $2 S&H per item) |
1995 CALENDARS $5.00 (plus $1 S&H per item) !
NEW LOGO T-SHIRTS (S-M-L) $14.95 (plus $2 S&H per item) l
(black with white logo)
BACK ISSUES/SAMPLE COPIES —_ $6.00 in Canada, includes shipping and handling
|
(#1 & #3 SOLD OUT) US$6.00 to U.S.A. and Overseas |
REGULAR SUBSCRIPTION — Startwith J currentissue LJ next issue
L) CANADIAN + YEAR J institution |
Uus. L] 2 year LU 3 year |
L] OVERSEAS PAYMENT §$ |
GIFT SUBSCRIPTION Start with ) currentissue LJ) next issue

_) CANADIAN U) 1 YEAR l
U us. LU 2veEaR ) 3 YEAR |
_] OVERSEAS PAYMENT §$ |
T-SHIRTS () NEWLOGO black QUANTITY SIZES |
U) CovER LFattooUsproiratroa |
MOUSEPADS QUANTITY LFattoo sproiUratros |
CALENDARS QUANTITY PAYMENT $ |

BACK ISSUES Indicate back issue numbers (see p. 87 for listings) |

Total number of back issues ordered PAYMENT §$ |

PAYMENT BY CHEQUES DRAWN ON CANADIAN OR U.S.
BANKS ONLY, OR BY MONEY ORDER IN CANADIAN OR U.S.
DOLLARS, OR BY VISA. PAYMENT BY VISA MUST INCLUDE
VISA NUMBER, SIGNATURE AND EXPIRY DATE ON CARD
Not Your Normal (ANT
NJ
~ VU 1VUL rt Vi ALG UL Bama

Three hot new Canadian fantasy writers |

hit the big time with HarperPrism

HOBERT.GAWER
Robert J. Sawyer

TERMINAL
EXPERIMENT
$6.50 paperback

Don Bassingthwaite

SUCH PAIN
$5.99 paperback
— [Efaesinssd
Dia £00

WYRM WOLF
$5.99 paperback

Available at your favourite bookstore fron <& HarperCollins CanadaLtd

 THE NEW SHAPE OF
SCIENCE FICTION

Ps the Award-Winning Magazine

| Se ee
oil “oi at
The First Eve: Years
G:R JsSaw

ON SPEC - THE FIRST FIVE YEARS -

THE BEST OF THE FIRST HALF-DECADE FROM THE
AWARD WINNING CANADIAN MAGAZINE.

PAPERBACK: CANADA: $7.95 + $2.00 SHIPPING + GST = $10.65 (CDN)

COLLECTIVE U.S.A.: $7.95 + $2.00 SHIPPING (NO TAX) = $9.95 (US)

HARDCOVER: CANADA: $21.95 + $2.00 SHIPPING + GST = $25.63 (CDN)

U.S.A.: $21.95 + $2.00 SHIPPING (NO TAX) = $23.95 (US)

ORDER FROM:
The Books Collective
214-21, 10405 Jasper Avenue
Edmonton, Alberta T5J 3S2
or call (403) 448-0590
or use 74301,2607 @compuserve.com