Save Your

Relationship

Fred Talisman
Save Your Relationship
Copyright © 2008 by Fred Talisman

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be used, reproduced or transmitted in
any manner or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including scanning,
photographing, photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval
system, without the prior written permission from the author.

Disclaimer

The information in this home study course is for informational and educational purposes
only. This home study course is not a substitute for relationship counseling,
psychotherapy, psychological evaluation, medical evaluation or medical treatment. If you
are in a physically abusive relationship contact the police and your local battered
women’s shelter. This home study course is designed to provide information in regards to
the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the author is not
rendering psychological services. If psychological or medical services are required,
please contact your mental health professional or medical doctor for such services.
Contents

Section 1: Start With This Section First: How To Get The Quickest And Best Results
From Working With This Home Study Course To Save Your Relationship
• Is Your Relationship Beyond Saving?
• How I Went From Being a Marriage Counselor to Becoming a Relationship Saver
• A starting point
• I want to help you to get off to a quick and effective start in saving your
relationship.
• The quick fix: the 4 magic words that when you say them, you’ll magically save
your relationship, and live together happily ever after.
• In this training I’ll show you:
• I will also show you what it takes to Save Your Relationship step by step
including exactly what to say and do:
• There are no quick fixes that work long-term.
• The difference between a “turning point” and actually saving your relationship.
• Saving your relationship is similar to being able to open a combination lock.
• Saving your relationship is also similar to building a house.
• The right mindset you need to have in working with “Save Your Relationship”
• You may fear that it’s already too late to save your relationship.
• I’ve saved lots of relationships that were previously considered “doomed!”
• How to know if your relationship is savable.
• All any of us can do, really, is “do our best.”
• You don’t have to be perfect to save your relationship.
• Most people who initiate a breakup secretly (or even not so secretly) actually wish
that their relationship could work and don’t really want to end it.

Section 2: How To Maximize The Possibility Of Getting A Second Chance Or Last

Chance With Your Partner
• Do you want to know a true “insider secret”? Then read on to discover what the
person initiating the breakup tells a trusted friend or therapist (and what they may
not be telling you)!
• A person who’s on the verge of leaving a relationship for good is in a highly self-
protective place.
• What are some of the signs that your partner is feeling self-protective?
• What do you need to buy yourself another chance or perhaps your last chance
with your partner?
• Why you need to immediately stop all bickering, negativity and hostile reactions
on your part.
• The worst thing you can do is to try to talk things out when one or both of you is
upset!
• How to never again have another fight or argument with your partner.
• How and when do you explain to your partner about “Taking a Break” and why
you’re doing that.
• When should you tell your partner to take a break?
 • The goal of your “break time” is to get yourself into a calm, positive state of
mind.
• Option #1 to get yourself into a positive state of mind: Positive distractions.
• Option # 2 to get yourself into a positive state of mind: Immediately get things
“off your chest” with no negative consequences to your relationship.
• Option 3 to get yourself into a positive state of mind: “The Four-Count Breathing
Exercise” (an instant positive distraction).
• Steps to doing the Four-Count Breathing Exercise.
• Why and how the Four-Count Breathing Exercise work.
• Fight Fire With Water.
• Don’t tell your partner how you feel, if what you’re feeling is negative about them
• Don’t have a false sense of security.

Section 3: Don’t Blow Your Last Chance To Save Your Relationship

• My biggest frustration as a “Relationship Saver.”
• Don’t blow your chances of saving your relationship by reverting back to your old
ways of thinking, speaking and acting.
• You can’t take back what you say or do
• How do people blow out their relationship “for good” after they’ve gotten a last
chance?
• Most likely, your partner hasn’t emotionally left the relationship… yet.
• What should you not do to blow your last chance with your partner.
• You need to pay attention to how your partner is reacting to what you say or do;
and if what you’re doing isn’t working, STOP!
• Keep it positive.
• The absolute single best way to keep the positive momentum going after your
partner gives you a second/next/LAST chance is…
• How to have fun together after your relationship “turning point.”
• The goal of sharing fun times together is just that: pure fun!
• Encourage the majority of your fun times to be out of the house.
• Put the emphasis on fun activities, as opposed to meals together.
• Be 100% sober from now on, and especially during your fun times together.
• If your partner really wants a meal together as part of the fun times, ask for some
“up-front agreements.”
• During the meal, “stack the deck” with a positive focus.
• What about romantic settings and activities?
• Surprises are risky.
• What if he/she picks a physical activity to do together?
• Here are the guidelines to insure that the physical activity you do together will be
fun for them:

Section 4: How To Have The Power And Ability To Consistently Follow Through
To Save Your Relationship
• Overview of what it takes to have consistent follow-through.
• Having clear goals and outcomes.
• Making a plan and prioritizing the components of your plan.
• You will get the best results by doing these skills precisely and accurately.
• The next step to save your relationship.
• How do you actually get things done?
• You get things done in your life when you make specific commitments, schedule
specific dates and times to accomplish them, and then you keep your
commitments and appointments.
• Making and keeping appointments with yourself to study and learn the skills and
strategies in this training will give you the greatest possibility of saving your
relationship!
• What are some key things you can do to insure that your appointments with
yourself are as productive as possible to help you save your relationship?
• Practice with everyone.
• Practice makes…
• What do you do if, during your appointment times with yourself, you feel stuck or
fearful or anxious or worried… or that you just want to procrastinate?
• What are some realistic time commitments to make to yourself to save your
relationship, if you’re a really busy person?
• How to make the best use of your relationship saving appointments with yourself.
• What’s one of the major stumbling blocks you will have to face in order to save
your relationship?
• Why it’s important to break that double standard.
• Don’t try to keep any of your agreements or appointments in your head!
• What are the best times to set up appointment times with yourself to learn the
Save Your Relationship skills?
• The bottom lines you’re looking for are results and consistent follow-through.
• Wit is one of the keys to your relationship saving success.
• How far in advance should you make appointments with yourself?
• What do you do if you feel you have no time to spare to learn how to save you
relationship?
• No one procrastinates everything.
• What it takes to create consistent follow-through:
• What motivates people?
• How to clarify your motivation to do the work you need to do in order to save
your relationship.
• Here are the motivation lists I suggest you start using, ready for you to work with.
• My Negative Consequences Motivation List
• My Positive Benefits Motivation List
• How to work with your motivation lists.
• Should you show these lists to your partner?
• Why it’s important for you to work with your Save your relationship motivations
lists.
• The next step is to make, sign and commit to a formal agreement with yourself!
 • Agreement With Yourself To Consistently Do Your Best To Save Your
Relationship
• Being consistent, from this point forward, in making and keeping your
agreements with your partner helps to rebuild her/his trust in you.
• This is a lot of work; why not just go to counseling?
• Quick action step for you to take:

Section 5: How To Pick The Right Relationship Counselor To Help You To Save
Your Relationship and How To Get the Most Out of Working with Them
• Are you the fool or the wise person?
• Why finding and going to a relationship counselor is usually a critical element in
saving your relationship.
• The Save Your Relationship Home Study Course vs. relationship counseling.
• Why I’m recommending that you get relationship counseling or coaching as soon
as possible.
• You’ve probably known of couples who went to relationship counseling and still
wound up breaking up. Is it possible that the wrong therapist can do you more
harm than good, and even contribute to a final breakup?
• Pick a counselor who’s a Relationship Saver, not a Relationship Ender.
• It’s my professional belief and experience that most romantic relationships that
end, end unnecessarily, and end with the couple still having love for each other.
• How relationship counseling is done by a Relationship Saver.
• When your partner has told you she/he wants to break up, that first couple
counseling session will either help you to get a “last chance” with your partner,
or, if done incorrectly, can finalize the breakup.
• How I help couples in crisis to create a “turning point” in my first session with
them.
• In my experience, in most cases, despite an insistence that the relationship is over
for them, most leaving partners are willing to come to that first session because
they secretly hope there really is a way to save the relationship… and they really
do want to be able to justify the act of giving their partner a last chance.
• Shouldn’t you first ask your partner if she’s/he’s willing to go to relationship
counseling with you, before you go through all the time and effort to find a
marriage/relationship counselor?
• How do you find relationship counselors or coaches?
• Why not just go to whomever you’re referred to by a friend, relative or your
family doctor?
• If money is an issue for you, why to not go to a therapist that your insurance will
cover or go to a place that charges on a sliding scale?
• How should you interview relationship counselors, by phone, by email or in
person?
• When you’re interviewing relationship counselors, first pay attention to how you
feel when you talk to them.
• Other qualities to look for when you’re interviewing relationship counselors:
 • What should you ask them when you interview them? What should you be
looking for in their approach to relationship counseling?
• What if the therapist won’t talk with you on the phone and you can only interview
them by paying for an appointment?
• What if they won’t answer your questions on the phone and just say, “Oh, sure I
can help you; but you’ll first have to make an appointment”?
• What if you now ask your partner to go to relationship counseling with you and
she/he says “No.” How can you get your partner to go to relationship counseling
with you?
• Here’s how to respond to those objections and how to increase the chances of
getting your partner to go to relationship counseling with you.
• Why should you ask your partner to go to only one relationship counseling
session with you, rather than to get a full commitment for couple counseling?
• What if your partner isn’t willing to go to counseling/coaching with you?
• Isn’t it more effective to go to a professional in person, than to work with them
over the phone?
• If you think that your partner would be more comfortable with a male therapist,
should you only interview male therapists?
• What can you do if you can’t find the right therapist?
• How do you get the most out of working with a Relationship Therapist?
• Why many people wind up breaking up for good after they start relationship
counseling, and how you can minimize the possibility of creating that fate in you
relationship.

Section 6: Saving Your Relationship From The Inside Out: Why Taking Care Of
Yourself Is Not An Option If You Want To Save Your Relationship
• You didn’t buy this training to improve yourself. I believe you bought it for one
primary reason, to save your relationship. So, you might be wondering: what’s a
chapter on taking care of yourself doing in this training?
• To save your relationship, you have to go into training.
How to get yourself in a strong emotional state to save your relationship
• Problem: obsessive thinking and worrying
• What can you do to stop obsessing and worrying?
• Train of Thought Writing
• The Four Count Breathing strategy
• Compartmentalize Your Thinking and Feelings Strategy
• How you can compartmentalize your thoughts and feelings
• What do you do during those appointment times?
• Insomnia
• Why do you need to create restful sleep to save your relationship?
• How to create restful sleep and to quickly and easily knock out insomnia.
• Shortcut: As you’re practicing this sleep strategy, don’t worry about how long it
takes you to fall asleep
• What should you do if you wake up during the night?
• Other ways to get yourself in the right emotional state to save your relationship.
 • The Wellbeing Strategy
• How being in a state of wellbeing helps you to save your relationship.
• Wellbeing core strategy:
• I’m a big believer in back-up plans, so I’m going to give you some additional
ways, right now, to step back into that feeling of well-being.
• Here’s how to work with your lists to get back into a state of wellbeing.
• Why move on so quickly from one memory to another? Why not just stay with
one memory and bask in the good feelings?
• The Inner Game strategy for inner peace
• An example of outer and inner game planning and follow through.
• How to break up your negative thinking and why you need to so that you can save
your relationship.
• How to become a master of positive self hypnosis.
• How to get the most benefit out of your new positive self-talk statements to save
your relationship.
Other strategies to take care of yourself
• Reaching out to friends and family
• How often have you had the experience of telling a friend or family member your
problems and you wind up feeling even worse?
• You need to train those you reach out to, how to be your support team.
• Don’t call a plumber if you have a tooth ache…
• Talking out your feelings vs. Train of Thought Writing.
• Other sources of positive support and/or positive distractions.
• Helping others is a great source of self care.
• Part of your foundation for relationship saving wellbeing is caring for your body.
• What else to do and not do for emotional and physical self care:
• Spiritual self care for saving your relationship.
• Build the self esteem and confidence you need to save your relationship.
• Self punishment, being down on yourself, being mad at yourself will NOT in any
way help you to save your relationship.
• Build the self esteem and confidence you need to save your relationship by doing
the After Experience Evaluation Strategy.
• An example of using the After Experience Evaluation Strategy.

Section 7 : Positive Feedback Loops:The Single Most Important Communication

Skill You Can Learn To Save Your Relationship
• How to make your partner feel that you’re really there for them.
• The origins of Positive Feedback Loops.
• If you already have been taught this skill, you’re probably doing it wrong.
• What does your partner most want from you when they talk to you and what
happens when they get what they want?
• Effectively doing Positive Feedback Loops with your partner will give them hope
that this relationship CAN work for them.
• When a person doesn’t feel listened to and understood by their partner, they tend
to feel more justified in their decision to end the relationship.
• How Positive Feedback Loop communication is done.
An example of the positive feedback loop process, step-by-step.
• Some typical ineffective responses in many relationships might be:
• The Positive Feedback Loop alternative.
• What if you’re worried your partner will think you’re being phony or weird to
start talking to them this way?
• You may choose to give your partner a reason why you’re acting and talking
differently.
• An example of using the Positive Feedback Loop process in a relationship
counseling session:
• The husband’s version of doing Positive Feedback Loop communication.
• The correct way to do a Positive Feedback Loop.
• The right way of thinking, speaking and being to get the best results with your
partner when you do Positive Feedback Loops with them: 1. Be present.
2. Have a clear positive intention. 3. Be patient. 4. Use Softeners.
• Don’t reinforce your partner’s negative perception of you in the way you do
Positive Feedback Loop communication.
• The Constructive Alternative Version of Positive Feedback Loop communication.
• An example of the Constructive Alternative Version of a Positive Feedback Loop:
• What should you do when your partner says something that you totally disagree
with?
• When do you get to give your response?
Pitfalls I’ve seen people fall into when they learn Postive Feedback Loop
communication, and how to avoid them:
• Pitfall: Trying to short-cut the Positive Feedback Loop process by simply saying,
“I understand how you feel.”
• Saying “I understand how you feel” should be banned from your communication!
• Pitfall: Waiting to practice this skill when you’re in a potentially volatile situation
with your partner.
• Pitfall: Giving a response, reaction and/or unsolicited advice in place of doing a
Positive Feedback Loop.
• Pitfall: Rushing the communication:
• My Confession: In my own romantic relationship, I don't like doing Positive
Feedback Loops.
• The only reason that I do Positive Feedback Loops is that they work!
• Positive Feedback Loop communication doesn’t have to feel natural to you to
make it work.
• You can either communicate in the ways you always have, which more than likely
contributed to your partner’s decision to break up with you, OR… do Positive
Feedback Loop communication to help save your relationship. You choose.
• Practice Positive Feedback Loops in situations where it's no big deal if you do it
wrong.
• Congratulations—you’ve just learned one of the most important skills you’ll need
to save your relationship!
Section 8: ESC: Emotional Support Communication
• There are four aspects of ESC, Emotional Support Communication. When done
correctly, they’ll go a long way toward making your partner feel more
consistently appreciated, respected and cherished by you and more willing to give
you a last chance.
• I used to think that if someone had a negative reaction to me that it was their
• problem.
• You DO have responsibility for how you make your partner feel.
• Anything that you say to your partner that makes them feel bad about themselves
or bad about you, is OFF TRACK especially when it comes to saving your
relationship.
• What if your partner has a negative reaction to you that you’re not expecting?
• Don’t “tear” your partner down.
• Don’t give unsolicited “constructive” destructive criticism or advice.
• Assume that if your partner wants your advice, help or opinion, they’ll ask you for
it.
• Giving your partner unsolicited advice will not instill in them a desire to stay in
the relationship with you.
• One negative comment can have more impact on your partner than 100 positive
comments!
• Having a Positive Friendly Attitude(PFA) goes a long way to rebuilding your
partner’s trust in you.
• Part of what it takes to save your relationship is to make your partner feel they can
again count on you to be positive and friendly in your attitude toward them,
especially when they ask for your help.
• Doing the right action while having and demonstrating the wrong attitude adds up
to your partner not feeling good about you or about being in a relationship with
you.
• Examples of what’s NOT a, Positive Friendly Attitude (PFA) in the words you
use:
• Examples of what’s NOT a PFA, Positive Friendly Attitude, in your non-verbal
communication:
• Does having a Positive Friendly Attitude mean that you have to agree with your
partner when you don’t, or that you have to do what they want you to do, when
they want you to do it, the way they want you to do it, and how they want you to
do it?
• Examples of demonstrating a PFA when your partner has asked something of you:
• Hearing positive words and statements feels better than hearing ones that are
neutral, sarcastic, reluctant or negative.
• What if having a Positive Friendly Attitude doesn’t sound like you?
• Catch your partner… doing things right!
• Your partner is more than how they look.
• Examples of “catching your partner doing things right” and how to improve them:
• What role do you want to have in your partner’s life?
• How to see and reinforce the best in your partner.
 • Talk to your partner as if they are the person you most love in the world.
• Physical affection: are you romantic partners or are you roommates?
• What if you don’t see or experience yourself as an affectionate person?
• Look for and create opportunities for physical contact with your partner.
• How to reintroduce affection or more affection into your relationship one step at a
time… (and each time do it only with your partner’s permission).
• The art of hugging.
• Sex?
• You will create what you focus on.

Section 9: MSA: Mutually Satisfying Agreements: How To Negotiate Agreements

With Your Partner That You Both Feel Really Good About Part 1
• It's almost always realistically possible to negotiate agreements with your partner
that you both feel good about.
Non-useful vs. useful beliefs and assumptions about working out agreements with
your partner.
• Making sacrifices for your partner works against them, you, and the relationship.
• Making compromises for your partner is a necessary component of a successful
relationship…WRONG!
• The alternative to making sacrifices and compromises in your relationship is
• negotiating Mutually Satisfying Agreements.
• The belief that holds, “If you really love me, you would know what I want
without me having to ask for it”…. is a guarantee for an unhappy relationship.
• Many people feel unloved, upset and resentful, because their partner didn’t give
them what they didn’t ask for.
• Take responsibility for clarifying and verbalizing what you want.
• Set your partner up to succeed in your relationship.
• How is it possible that you and your partner have covered the same issues,
frustrations and problems, over and over and over again, and yet some never seem
to get resolved?
• It’s NOT reasonable to expect your partner to cooperatively work things out with
you right after you’ve told them what’s wrong with them.
• You can express your feelings and upsets, or you can successfully negotiate for
what you want… but you can’t do both at the same time.
• Make getting what you want more important than being right.
• Don’t bring up your hurts and resentments.
• Winning by waiting: timing is everything.
• If your partner is being negative toward you, don’t give into it.
Useful attitudes, beliefs, and approaches to have when applying your new
relationship-saving negotiation skills:
• Useful assumption/mindset needed by you to negotiate a Mutually Satisfying
Agreement:
• Why would you want to be positive and have a Positive Friendly Attitude with
your partner, especially if you’re unhappy with them?
 • The magic of negotiating with your partner in a cooperative environment comes
about…
• Use Neutral Information Gathering to get a clear picture of what your partner
specifically wants.
• Why it’s important for you to gather information in a neutral way.
• Use the “options” version of Neutral Information Gathering when your partner
doesn’t know what they want.
• An example of using Positive Feedback Loops and Neutral Information Gathering
to set the stage for creating a Mutually Satisfying Agreement.
• Analyzing the steps I took her through.
• Most of us focus on what’s wrong, not on what we really want instead.
• Positive feedback loops to the rescue.
• Checking it out with her husband.
• Mutually Satisfying Agreements can only be created if you first have a spirit of
cooperation between two people.
• Negotiate Mutually Satisfying Agreements… LAST.

Section10: MSA: Mutually Satisfying Agreements Pt 2 : How To Respond To

Requests Or Negotiations That Your Partner Has Initiated
• Reason Why Communication
• When is it time to give your response to your partner’s request of you?
• Give your response LATER, rather than sooner.
• When your partner asks something of you, buy yourself some time.
• Should you Take a Break every time your partner asks something of you?
• Why should you Take a Break when you know that you want to say “yes”?
• When is it useful to Take a Break to think through an issue before giving your
response?
• How to communicate that you need to Take a Break when your partner makes a
request of you.
• How to think through an issue on your break before you give your response.
• My stranded wife
• Delving more deeply into the preceding “My stranded wife” story.
• How to respond to a request from your partner if you’re happy to do everything
that’s being asked of you:
• Why be so specific and give your partner so much information of what you’re
going to do, when you’re doing it, and that you’ve done it?
• Making, tracking and precisely keeping your agreements with your partner, helps
to rebuild your partner’s trust in you.
• When you and your partner have differing memories about the contents of a
previous agreement, here’s how to solve that disagreement to your mutual
satisfaction in 2 minutes!
• Making agreements that you can’t and/or don’t keep can put your relationship in
greater jeopardy.
• Over committing and then not keeping your agreement with your partner is very
risky, especially when you’re trying to save your relationship.
 • You’re a hero if you keep your agreements ahead of schedule, and you’re the
“bad guy,” even if you keep the agreement, but you go past your agreed upon
deadline.
• It’s better to under commit and over deliver, than it is to over commit and under
deliver.
• Does your partner really track the agreements you make with them that closely?
• How to successfully renegotiate an agreement with your partner:
• An example of successfully renegotiating an agreement with a partner.
• Why did he make sure to call and REACH her rather than leaving her a message
or sending her an email?
• What to do if it wouldn’t be a Mutually Satisfying Agreement for you to do what
your partner is asking of you.
• The Negotiated Yes version of working out a Mutually Satisfying Agreement.
• Only present and consider choices that are acceptable to you.
• How to create a Mutually Satisfying Agreement with your partner when you both
want something very different from the other.
• An example of a successful Greater Need Negotiation.
• Why Greater Need Negotiations are very different from making sacrifices or
compromises for your partner.
• Your greater need may not be acknowledged or respected, right now, by your
partner.

Section 11: MSA Pt 3: The Steps To Negotiating Mutually Satisfying Agreements If

You’re The One Initiating The Negotiation
• Here are the steps to go through if you’re the one initiating the negotiation:
• Successfully negotiating a Mutually Satisfying Agreement usually only takes a
couple of minutes of actual negotiation time.
• An example of initiating a negotiation with a partner when they are happy to
agree to what’s being asked of them.
• An example of initiating a negotiation with a partner when they AREN’T happy
to agree to what’s being asked of them.
Unpacking the steps to go through if you’re the one initiating the negotiation.
Step 1: Clarify to yourself what specifically you want.
• It’s good to be “Positively selfish.”
• Focus on your wants and needs FIRST.
Step 2. Be able to word what you want to negotiate for in positive terms.
• Don’t get stuck in being realistic when you clarify what you want.
• Many of the agreements I’ve successfully negotiated are ones that I was sure the
other person was going to say NO.
• What George really wants.
Step 3. Come up with back up plans, including some that don’t involve your partner,
so that you won’t be disappointed with a no from your partner.
• Why back up plans?
• Why have some back up plans that don’t involve your partner’s cooperation?
• Back up plans are secondary options.
Step 4. Approach your partner at a time that you think they’re in a positive place and
tell them what you want.
Step 5. If your partner responds in a positive way, without hesitation, then finalize the
agreement by asking for and receiving a commitment to action, and the negotiation is
done.
• Here’s a couple of examples of how people think they’ve asked for a commitment
but it’s not taken that way by their partner:
• Here’s a couple of examples of how to effectively ask a commitment question by
giving and implying choice:
Step 6. If your partner says or shows signs that they don’t really want to do what
you’re asking of them, then do Positive Feedback Loop communication with them so
they feel heard and understood by you.
Step 7. Have a Positive Friendly Attitude to let your partner know that you’re coming
from a cooperative, supportive place toward them.
Step 8.Then, neutrally, gather information to find out their response, point of view,
feelings, desires, needs and wants about the issue you’re bringing up, so that you can
determine how to come up with a proposal that you believe will work for both of you.
Step 9. Put forth your new proposal to your partner.
Step 10. Keep exploring with them until you find a set terms you both feel good about
and then finalize the agreement.
Additional tips and refinements to assist you in being consistent in negotiating MSAs,
Mutually Satisfying Agreements, with your partner.
• Keep It Simple.
• Stop while you’re both ahead.
• More is not better, it’s too much.
 1

Section 1

Start With This Section First: How To Get The Quickest And Best Results From
Working With This Home Study Course To Save Your Relationship

Is Your Relationship Beyond Saving?

It’s my experience that most love relationships that end, do so unnecessarily. They end
for the wrong reasons. In most cases, if even one partner in a relationship had gotten the
right kind of knowledge and had brought that knowledge back into the relationship, that
one partner could actually have stopped the breakup.

For over 30 years I‘ve specialized in saving relationships that were on the verge of
ending even when only one person still wanted the relationship to work and even when
they had no hope that it could be saved.

You may feel that you’ve tried everything to save your relationship and nothing that
you’ve done is working.

You’re fighting for your relationship. You want it to work but you know what you’re
doing isn’t working. Your heart feels broken. It’s like you’re in a bad dream waiting to
wake up.

Perhaps, you’re hoping, beyond hope, that there really is a way to save your relationship
and that you can learn what to say and do that will actually save it.

It’s my mission to teach you what it takes to save your relationship.

Over the years I’ve developed strategies to help my clients save their relationships. Those
same strategies that work for my clients can also work for you.

How I Went From Being a Marriage Counselor to Becoming a Relationship Saver.

On Sept. 20, 1993, I had a life-defining moment. I came home from an all day meeting to
discover that my wife, who I had been with for 17 years, had left me for good.

The first thing that I noticed was that our living room walls, which had been lined with
paintings done by my wife’s artist mother, were bare.

As I began searching further, I came across THE NOTE. In it my wife said, “I love you
dearly but I can not and will not live you any longer… Any further communication
between us will involve my divorce attorney who can be reached at the following #...

…I do love you dearly and hope the best for you in the future.

Goodbye”

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At first, I went into shock. I didn’t see this coming. I had been unhappy for quite some
time in the marriage. Nothing I did seemed to improve the relationship. The two attempts
we made at marriage counseling didn’t help.

I felt that we were growing more and more distant. She had spent most of her time, those
last couple of years, caring for her ailing mother who then died and then her ailing father
who then died.

I kept telling myself she was in mourning for them and that she would emotionally come
back to me. I had no idea how unhappy she was in the relationship until I got the NOTE.

The magnitude of her dissatisfaction had simply escaped me. Within minutes, though I
began to feel both saddened and abandoned.

Soon, I found myself feeling even worse, since my sadness and abandonment began to
be compounded by a deep sense of embarrassment. How could I, a respected marriage
counselor, not even save my own marriage?

The jolt out of ignorance about the real situation I was facing, and the ensuing feelings I
was forced to address caused me to begin a long, yet invaluable journey of profound,
often agonizing soul searching.

I was determined to never let this “lapse of essential awareness happen again either to
myself or to anyone that came to me for help. I eventually became a man on a mission to
learn what it took to save a romantic relationship.

Along the way I discovered why my marriage failed and why I, and all the therapists I
knew, had such a poor track record in helping people to save their relationships.

I have since remarried and I diligently apply the skills I discovered to help make my
present marriage strong and lasting.

A starting point.

The following will illustrate some of the attitudes I’ve observed in those that have just
come to the realization that their relationship is on the verge of breaking up. (Perhaps
you’ll be able to identify with one of these).

Three frogs fell into a vat of cream.

The first frog gave up relatively quickly and drowned.

The second frog tried to talk his way out of it. He spoke to the vat. He tried everything he
could think of. He blamed the vat and said it was the vat’s fault. He tried to make the vat
feel guilty.

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He tried to bargain with the vat and begged, “I’ll be a better frog; I’ve changed; give me
another chance; I’ll never be bad again!” Eventually he gave up and drowned.

The third frog made a decision. He said to himself, “I might drown, but I’ll give it my
best to get out!” He kicked and kicked and kicked, and before too long, the cream
hardened into butter.

The third frog now had a firm foundation underneath him, and he simply and gladly
jumped out of that vat.

The purpose of this training is to teach you how to effectively “kick.”

Put another way, the purpose of this training is to teach you how to maximize the
possibility of saving your relationship.

I want to help you to get off to a quick and effective start in saving your
relationship.

I’m a no-frills, solution-oriented, shortcut type of person. If I were in your place I’d want
to just cut to the chase and find out the bottom line of how to save my relationship.

Personally, I like to follow the path of least effort to get the quickest, easiest and best
results possible. I’m the kind of person who will skip around in the contents of a home
study course, trying to determine the least amount I have to study to get the results I want
to get. If I had just bought this course, I would be looking for…

The quick fix: the 4 magic words that when you say them, you’ll magically save your
relationship, and live together happily ever after.

…The quick fix doesn’t exist.

However, it IS possible to save your relationship through studying and mastering what
I’ll be teaching you in this home study course.

In this training I’ll show you:

• How you can understand why what you’ve been doing isn’t working and may
actually be making things worse.
• Why making claims or promises to your partner like “I’ve changed or I’ll never
do it again” actually builds greater distrust, anger and/or resentment in your
partner.
• Why trying to prove your point actually works against you, pushes your partner
further away and makes your partner get more upset.
• Why getting things off your chest or trying to talk things out when one or both of
you is upset is virtually guaranteed to make things worse, and what to do instead.

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• The trigger words that push your partner’s buttons and guarantee you’re headed
for a fight.

I will also show you what it takes to Save Your Relationship step by step including
exactly what to say and do:

• How to rebuild trust and get another chance if you’ve cheated on your partner.
What to say and do if your partner says “I’m no longer in love with you.”
• How to get your partner to recommit to an exclusive monogamous relationship
with you when your partner says they’ve fallen in love with someone else.
• How to rebuild trust with your partner if your partner has already given you
another chance and, you broke your word again.
• How to rebuild trust when your partner feels that you’ve lied to them and they say
they don’t know what to believe anymore.
• How to get back the loving feelings when your partner is saying “I love you but
I’m no longer in love with you.
• How you can put an end to mean, angry, hurtful communication. How to never
again have another fight or argument, without having to give in. (If you follow my
directions precisely, this ALWAYS works).
• How you can get out your frustrations and upsets with NO consequences to the
relationship and without hurting your partner’s feelings.
• What to do when your partner is saying “I’m sick and tired of all the verbal abuse,
criticism, lack of respect and putdowns.” How to be the positive, loving
supportive partner that you want to be for them and how to stay consistent in
doing that.
• What to do when your partner is saying “we have so little affection, I feel more
like we’re roommates.” How to get back the affection, romance and passion. How
to get back your emotional and physical intimacy together.
• What to do if your partner is saying, “I’ve only been staying in the relationship for
the kids but I’m no longer sure that’s best for them and its sure not working for
me.” How to be more that just parents together and to also be a loving, happy
couple together.
• What to do when your partner is saying “we have no way to work things out. We
keep having the same fights over and over again. Nothing ever gets resolved.”
How to actually get things resolved to your mutual satisfaction.
• What to do if your partner says “we have very little in common and few common
interests.” How to start creating more common interests and to build from there.
• How to get back together and make it work if you’re already separated and it’s
not getting any better.
• What to do if your partner is saying “I feel like whatever I do isn’t good enough
for you. I feel like I’m in a no-win situation.” How to make them feel consistently
accepted, appreciated and supported by you.
• How to get back on track if your partner is saying “I don’t feel heard or
understood or listened to by you.”

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• How to create a feeling of cooperation between the two of you when your partner
says “I feel sad and mad because you turn on me, twist my words and attack me
and make everything my fault.”
• How to get your partner to try again when they say “I feel overwhelmed, numb
and hopeless.”
• What to do if your partner is saying “I get tense before you come home because I
know you’ll find fault with me.” How to get back to looking forward to and
enjoying spending time with each other.
• How to rebuild trust and safety when you’ve told your partner that you were
unhappy and wanted to split up. Then, you changed your mind and they now say
they don’t know what to believe and they no longer feel safe in this relationship
with you.

I will also show you:

• How you can both reconnect to the love that brought you together in the first
place.
• How you can stop being reactive and being controlled by the other person’s
negativity.
• How you can turn around the negativity.
• How you can be a better listener and make your partner feel listened to,
understood and accepted.
• How you can create mutual emotional support in your relationship.
• How you can each stop sacrificing and making unwanted compromises and
instead have the ability to work out agreements that work for both of you.
• How you can stop being jealous and pushing your partner away with your
jealousy.
• How you can keep parents, in-laws, other relatives, friends and/or co-workers
from having a negative impact on your relationship.
• How you can get and give consistent emotional supportive.
• How you prevent any (further) cheating in the relationship.
• What you can do when you and your partner are very different from each other
and have completely different interests.
• The one way to speak to your partner that will cause your partner to open up to
you, be more cooperative and positive and really hear what you have to say.

There are no quick fixes that work long-term.

One of my sound bytes when I do talk radio interviews is: “I can save dying romantic
relationships in under 2 hours.” That’s true. In this training, I’ll show you how I do it.

However, what’s the definition of “saving”? In my first session with a couple, I usually
help them to get reconnected to the love that brought them together in the first place.

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What usually happens is, the person who was determined to end the relationship is
willing to come back for more couple counseling to get further help to make the
relationship work.

That creates a turning point in the relationship because now, their focus is, at least
partially, on seeing if the relationship can work for them, instead of being focused on
breaking up.

The difference between a “turning point” and actually saving your relationship.

If someone has stopped breathing and their heart has stopped beating, and you give them
CPR and mouth to mouth resuscitation, and their heart starts beating again, and they start
breathing again, you have saved them. If they die an hour later in the hospital from
complications related to what caused their heart and breathing to stop, they are no longer
saved.

There’s a big difference between temporarily saving your relationship and building the
foundation to make it work for both of you long-term, which is, obviously, the more
desirable version of saving your relationship.

It’s possible, by saying and doing the right thing, to motivate the partner that was leaving
to stick around a little bit longer. That’s like getting your relationship to start breathing
again. To create a “turning point” in your relationship.

However, if that’s all you do, you’re just delaying the inevitable. Creating a turning point
gives you a short window of opportunity to actually stay together.

However, more than likely, it will only stay open for a short period of time. You need to
learn and master what I’m teaching you to build the solid foundation you need to have in
place to keep your relationship saved and create a positive, healthy, happy, thriving future
together.

I have created Save Your Relationship as a step-by-step guide to give you every edge
I’ve innovated in the last 30+ years as couple’s counselor, to help you to save your
relationship, even if you’re the only one that wants to save it

Saving your relationship is similar to being able to open a combination lock.

I heard an interview with Jack Canfield, co-author of Chicken Soup for the Soul. He
talked about how solutions are often more like having the right combination to open a
lock. That certainly applies to saving your relationship. You need to have and apply the
right skills in the right order to save your relationship.

Saving your relationship is also similar to building a house.

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For a house to stand the test of time, weather, and wear and tear, it first has to be built on
a solid foundation. If it’s not, it will easily collapse. The same is true when it comes to
being able to save your relationship. Much of what I’m showing you and having you
master first is your relationship-saving foundation.

The right mindset you need to have in working with “Save Your Relationship.”

The famous comedian and author, Dick Gregory, tells the following story from his
childhood. He was with his beloved grandmother at her home. She had just fallen down
the stairs.

Being a little boy and not knowing what to do, he immediately began panicking and
crying hysterically. However, his grandmother started laughing.

Her laughter totally jolted him out of his panic and he just stared at her, totally confused.
She said “There’s more hope in laughter than in tears. Now that I’ve got your attention,
go to the neighbor’s house and get me some help.”

You may fear that it’s already too late to save your relationship.

I imagine that this is one of the most upsetting times in your life. I’m assuming that
you’re frightened and traumatized, because you fear that you’re about to lose your
relationship… or think that you already have and that it’s too late.

It may be that your worst fear is true. It may be that, even with my help through this
training, you’re not going to be able to save your relationship.

However, I believe that you probably don’t have enough information, currently, to make
that determination.

Why do I make a statement like this?

I’ve saved lots of relationships that were previously considered “doomed!”

I can’t tell you the numbers of relationships I’ve helped save that seemed beyond saving,
including ones that seemed that way to me! Many were relationships that any practical,
logical, common sense person would have been absolutely certain that the breakup was
inevitable and permanent, if they knew what had been said and/or done in those
relationships.

Further, many of these relationships were saved when only one person in the relationship
was seeking help and was the only one who wanted to save it.

How to know if your relationship is savable.

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I believe that the only way you will know if it’s possible to save your relationship is to
learn, master and diligently apply what I’m teaching you to your relationship.

As you effectively apply these tools, I’m hoping that you’ll discover that you can and are
saving your relationship.

Now, perhaps for the first time, you truly have the opportunity to do your best to save
your relationship.

All any of us can do, really, is “do our best.”

As you work with and master the shifts in perception, attitude, beliefs, mindsets, skills
and strategies that comprise this training, you will be able to take “your best” to a new
level you never even knew about regarding saving your relationship and making it work!

You don’t have to be perfect to save your relationship.

What you do have to be (or learn how to be) is more consistent in following through with
the basic concepts and principles you’re learning here, the fundamental understandings
that are required to save your relationship. And in an upcoming section, I’ll show you
how to become exactly that: more consistent.

The reality is, almost all people who I’ve worked with on a one-to-one basis, who took
what I gave them and saved their relationship, only did a fraction of what I taught them…
and still saved it! And for most, they weren’t even very masterful in the skills they’d
learned.

How is that possible?

Most people who initiate a breakup secretly (or even not so secretly) actually wish
that their relationship could work and don’t really want to end it.

They initiated their breakup because they felt they were out of options. They don’t see a
way to make it work. In this training, you will discover lots of ways to demonstrate to
your partner that the relationship truly can work for them.

Coming Attractions for the next section:

I love movies and I enjoy watching the “Coming Attractions.” So, from this point
forward, at the end of each section, I’ll tell you about the “Coming Attractions” for the
following section.

Here they are for the upcoming section:

• I’ll show you how to maximize the possibility of getting a second “last chance”
with your partner.

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• Why you need to immediately stop all bickering, negativity and hostile reactions
on your part.
• Why the worst thing you can do is to try to talk things out when one or both of
you is upset.
• How to never again have another fight or argument with your partner.

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Section 2

How To Maximize The Possibility Of Getting A Second Chance Or Last Chance

With Your Partner

Do you want to know a true “insider secret”? Then read on to discover what the
person initiating the breakup tells a trusted friend or therapist (and what they may
not be telling you)!

To create a turning point or a last chance with your partner, it will first help you to
understand the breakup from their perspective.

Here are some of the things I’ve been told by those who are on the verge of ending their
relationship:

• “I told my partner that I want to end the relationship, but I really want to stay
together. It’s just that, we fight and argue all the time, and I don’t want to keep
doing that for the rest of my life. If we could just stop arguing, then I think we
could work it out.”

• “My partner has a bad temper. When we argue, they say really mean and hurtful
things to me. I deserve to be treated better; and if they can’t do that, I’ll have to
leave.”

• “My partner cheated on me. I really love them and I want to stay together, but I
just don’t know how I can ever trust them again! I need your help to show me
how to get past that.”

• “If we can’t work it out this time, I’m leaving for good! I’ve broken up with them
before. My partner begged me for another chance, swearing they’d change! I
reluctantly gave them another chance and they wound up doing the same things
that caused me to leave in the first place! This just keeps happening! How can I
trust that things will truly be different this time and that they’ll stay changed?”

A person who’s on the verge of leaving a relationship for good is in a highly self-
protective place.

Whether it’s objectively true or not, they feel that their partner has emotionally injured
them and has deeply hurt them. They feel they need to protect themselves from further
hurt and emotional pain.

What are some of the signs that your partner is feeling self-protective?

There are many ways people attempt to protect themselves:

• They’ll say “It’s over!”

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• They’ll test you by setting you up to once again say or do the things that have
caused them to feel they need to leave you.

• They’ll keep themselves “distant” from you.

• They’ll keep changing their mind about staying with you or leaving you.

• They won’t express their appreciation for the positive efforts you’re making,
because although they secretly like those changes, they’re afraid to get their hopes
up, for fear that you’ll go back to your old ways.

What do you need to buy yourself another chance or perhaps your last chance with
your partner?

Here’s what I’ve seen is “in place” when a couple has a turning point (i.e., the partner
who was leaving is willing to give the relationship another chance, or perhaps, a last
chance):

1. The person who is being left has completely stopped being negative, hostile or
argumentative.

2. The partner being left doesn’t react in a negative way when their partner is being
negative with them, even if they totally disagree with them or feel attacked by them.

3. The person who is being left has stopped trying to communicate when either they or
their partner is upset.

4. The person who is being left has done some research and found a counselor for them to
go to get help to save their relationship; and, with their partner’s permission, he/she has
set up that first counseling appointment.

Why you need to immediately stop all bickering, negativity and hostile reactions on
your part.

Your partner already has a generalized negative association about being with you.

Anything negative that comes from you toward them during this fragile time in your
relationship reinforces that perception, and can wind up causing them to turn their
predominating sentiment to break up with you into a permanent decision!

The worst thing you can do is to try to talk things out when one or both of you is
upset!

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There’s only one time that works for a couple to talk things out--when they’re both in a
positive place within themselves and toward their partner. Any other time for “discussing
the situation” is only going to make things worse.

How to never again have another fight or argument with your partner.

The key to never again having another fight or argument with your partner is to catch
your upset at the earliest moment you can.

The earliest awareness that most of us have when we’re beginning to feel upset is a
physical sensation.

It might be a feeling in your stomach, chest, throat, shoulders, face or hands… or perhaps
another part of your body.

What part of your body are you first aware of a different sensation when you’re
beginning to feel upset? If you can’t answer that question, start to notice it the next time
you actually begin to feel upset.

At the earliest awareness of beginning to get that sensation in your body, you can choose
to say to your partner, “I need to take a break.” If you’re physically there with them, you
then need to immediately, temporarily, walk away. If you’re on the phone with them, you
then need to graciously, but immediately, get off the phone. If you’re text-messaging, you
simply need to state, I need to take a break,” and then stop.

How and when do you explain to your partner about “Taking a Break” and why
you’re doing that.

You first tell them, during a time when you’re both calm, “I’m committed to no longer
communicate to you out of anger or upset. I’m determined to no longer say mean or
hurtful things to you.”

You further tell them, “To make sure that I keep that commitment with you and with
myself, whenever I’m beginning to feel upset, I’m going say, ‘I’m going to take a little
break.’ I’m going to then temporarily walk away, if we’re physically with each other, or
I’ll get off the phone with you if we’re communicating that way.”

Pause a moment, before wrapping up by saying, “I’m going to then calm myself down
and get myself in a more positive, open and friendly state of mind, before I resume
contact with you. And I’m doing this out of my caring and respect for both you and I.”

When should you tell your partner to take a break?

Never!

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No one likes to be told they need to take a break. When you tell an adult they need to take
a break, it’s like telling them they have to take a “time out,” and will tend to just get
them madder or more upset.

If you think they need a break, simply say “I need to take a little break.” When you
take a break, then they automatically get a break.

The goal of your “break time” is to get yourself into a calm, positive state of mind.

To get yourself into some semblance of a calm, positive state, you need to first do some
activity that will grab your attention and focus, to give you a mental and emotional break
from your upset.

There are three valid options for you while on that break, to get yourself into a positive,
calm state.

Option #1 to get yourself into a positive state of mind: Positive distractions.

The first option is to do something that's distracting to you, that's not self-destructive.
Your choice of positive distractions could include: going for a walk; going to the gym;
playing with one of your kids or one of your pets; picking up and reading a little bit of a
fun magazine or a book you’ve been into in the past (one that has really grabbed your
attention); watching a portion of a comedy that you have tivoed, etc.

Option # 2 to get yourself into a positive state of mind: Immediately get things “off
your chest” with no negative consequences to your relationship.

Now, for some people, when they need a time out… when they're feeling upset… they
really do want to get things off their chest. I'll teach you a strategy of how to do that in a
way that will not cause any negative consequences in your relationship. I call this
strategy: “Train of Thought Writing.”

First, get a sheet of blank paper and a pen or pencil. Next, start off with the statement:
"I'm writing my feelings and thoughts with the intention of releasing them and with the
goal of freeing myself up to having positive feelings, thoughts, words and action.”

You then proceed to write your feelings and thoughts, as strongly and as intensely as you
feel and think them, with absolutely no censorship or editing.

For example, you might write: “I’m so mad at her/him that I don’t care if we break up…”

Or you might write, “It’s took late. I’ve already blown it with her/him. Nothing is going
to work.”

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The key is… this is only, ever, for your eyes only. So, if what you’re writing is about your
partner, there are no consequences to your relationship… because nobody's going to see
this writing but you.

The way your mind works, you can have a negative thought or feeling, and go over it in
your mind literally hundreds of times. The more you go over it in your mind the bigger
and more negative it gets for you.

If you take the same thoughts and/or feelings and express them to your partner, then
you've unloaded on your partner. You may feel better. However, it’s almost guaranteed to
upset them and only make things worse between the two of you.

On the other hand, if you take the same feelings and thoughts, and you write them…
although you can think them hundreds of times… it's boring to write the same thing more
than once. What you’ve created is a giant shortcut to letting go of the negativity and
getting yourself into a more positive state of mind.

The opening statement, "I'm writing my feelings and thoughts with the intention of
releasing them and with the goal of freeing myself up to having positive thoughts feelings
words and action” helps you in a couple of ways. By starting your writing with that
statement you’re telling your conscious and unconscious mind that your intention or goal
for the writing is to let go of the negativity, weather it’s in the form of animosity,
frustration, anger, fear, etc.

You don't need to save this writing - it's not a journal. Rip it up or shred it. It really is for
your eyes only.

I suggest that you don’t do Train of Thought Writing on your computer. I’ve been told by
some computer experts that even erased documents may be retrievable. Since you’re
seeking to improve things all the way around, there’s no good reason to take that chance.

Option 3 to get yourself into a positive state of mind: “The Four-Count Breathing
Exercise” (an instant positive distraction).

Almost everyone that does this exercise feels better, often within a couple of minutes.

This is an exercise that is drawn directly from sports psychology.

Years ago, top Olympic athletes were getting so worried and obsessed about their
upcoming performance, that after 4 years of training in preparation for the Olympics,
they were performing terribly. What a heartbreaker.

A lot of research was done to help them break up that worrisome way of thinking. What
came out of that research was the following exercise. After reading these instructions,
take a minute to do it now. It will only take a couple of minutes and will give you instant
relief. Obviously, don’t do this when you’re operating a vehicle.

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Steps to doing the Four-Count Breathing Exercise.

Inhale to your own silent count of four, hold your breath to your count of four, and exhale
to your count of four. For right now, just go through that sequence 5 times. As you
practice this, try inhaling and exhaling more slowly and deeply. That will give you even
greater benefit (due to increased oxygen and decreased carbon dioxide in your brain).

Why and how the Four-Count Breathing Exercise work.

You can do deep breathing while simultaneously thinking and worrying. Or, you can
count and simultaneously think and worry.

However, when you synchronize your breathing with your counting or your counting
with your breathing, the two in synch occupies your conscious mind just enough that you
can’t stay focused on your thoughts and feelings… You can’t hold onto them.

The conscious mind is not that complex to hold onto a thought or feeling while you’re
doing the Four-Count Breathing Exercise. As you keep doing this exercise, you may
occasionally get a thought or feeling come floating in; but as you keep doing it, you
won’t be able to hold onto them.

This exercise works when you do it: with yours eyes open; with your eyes closed; while
sitting or standing; when you’re walking around… It’s both versatile and effective.

When and how long should you do the Four-Count Breathing Exercise?

You can do it whenever you want (or need) a “mental vacation” from the upset feelings
you’re having, from your own thinking, worrying or any emotions that are draining you.
And, you can do it for as long as you want to (as long as you’re not shirking any
responsibilities, that is).

Fight Fire With Water.

There’s an ancient Chinese saying that states: “A person who doesn’t contend, can’t be
contended with.”

In most relationships, if a person feels verbally attacked by their partner, they’ll attack
back. That’s like fighting fire with fire. It just creates a bigger, more furious fire.

If your partner pushes your buttons, Take a Break. It’s like fighting fire with water.

Don’t tell your partner how you feel, if what you’re feeling is negative about them

Turning points or last chances in a relationship in crisis are very fragile. It doesn’t take
much to turn that last chance into a final breakup. The most important thing to do to

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create a turning point in your relationship and build from there is to stay consistent in not
saying or doing anything that your partner would interpret as negative against them. That
can include expressions of criticism, anger, frustration, judgment, sarcasm, or hostility.

From now on, when any of those feelings or thoughts come up in you, Take a Break and
go do a positive distraction, or Train of Thought Writing, or the Four Count Breathing
Exercise.

Don’t try, right now, to talk things out or to resolve your differences.

I imagine that this sounds strange, coming from a relationship counselor. However,
remember, I’m a relationship-saving expert.

It’s most likely that neither of you have developed the skills, yet, to work out your
difficulties. That’s what the right therapist can help you to do, as you go about mastering
the rest of the skills in this training.

Don’t have a false sense of security.

When you’ve created a turning point, it can give you a false sense of security, i.e., that
things are O.K. again for your partner. They’re not!

After you’ve successfully created a turning point or second/next/or last chance with your
partner, your relationship is still in a very fragile state.

If you go back to your old ways of communicating or acting, you run the risk of blowing
it for good with your partner. And, since you’ve worked as diligently as you have to
create this opportunity to re-address your relationship with your partner, blowing it would
be a foolish waste, now, wouldn’t it?

Coming Attractions for the next section:

• How to not blow your chances of saving your relationship by reverting back to
your old ways of thinking, speaking and acting.
• Why most likely, your partner hasn’t emotionally left the relationship… yet.
• What should you not do to blow your last chance with your partner.
• The absolute single best way to keep the positive momentum going after your
partner gives you a second/next/LAST chance.

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Section 3

Don’t Blow Your Last Chance to Save Your Relationship

My biggest frustration as a “Relationship Saver.”

As a “Relationship Saver,” one of my biggest frustrations is that many people sabotage

what I teach them. Their inadvertent sabotage often negates the progress they were
making with their partner, and sometimes causes a permanent breakup.

Don’t blow your chances of saving your relationship by reverting back to your old
ways of thinking, speaking and acting.

This is an important transition time for you and for your relationship. You have at your
fingertips the best I have to offer you to help you to maximize the possibility of saving
your relationship. However, it will take you time to learn and master those skills.

I’ve seen lots of people be on the verge of saving their relationship, only to revert back to
the old patterns that put their relationship in crisis in the first place. Most often, this ends
up blowing it for good. You have a choice, now… not to be one of those people.

Quite likely, your relationship is in a fragile state. To meet your goals to save your
relationship, you can’t afford to indulge in your old ways of thinking, communicating and
acting.

You can’t take back what you say or do

After you strike out at your partner and you’ve calmed down, you can apologize to your
partner. However, that doesn’t negate what you’ve said or done. At a time unbeknownst
to you, if you keep striking out, your partner is going to hit their “point of no return”…
and then they’re done with you for good.

You need to stay consistent with the skills I taught you in the last section. Especially be
diligent in Taking a Break, at the earliest warning sign of beginning to feel upset so that
you never again speak to your partner out of upset or angry feelings.

During your breaks, make sure that you do one or more of the following: Train of
Thought Writing, actitivities that postitively distract you; and/or the “Four Count
Breathing Exercise.”

How do people blow out their relationship “for good” after they’ve gotten a last
chance?

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There are a number of answers to that question. One common reason is that they go
unconscious. They lose sight of their goals and they go back to the old behaviors that got
them into their relationship crisis in the first place.

Or, they go into a reactive state, reacting and striking out at their partner out of
frustration, hurt or anger.

Many people put the final “nail in the coffin” of their relationship because they may think
“It’s too late to save my relationship, so why bother?” or “It’s already lost, so nothing
will make any difference.” Then, they get sloppy; they get careless; and “down the tube”
it goes!

Most likely, your partner hasn’t emotionally left the relationship… yet.

They may be close. They may even be on the brink of doing just that. When a person is
on the edge, it doesn’t take much to push them over the edge.

What shouldn’t do to blow your last chance with your partner.

You need to be careful. You need to be deliberate. You need to be skilled. You need to
say and do the right things, all of which are being identified and presented to you in this
training.

You need to pay attention to how your partner is reacting to what you say or do;
and if what you’re doing isn’t working, STOP!

In my more arrogant, unaware days, I used to think that if a person didn’t understand
what I was saying to them or they took it the wrong way, that meant they either weren’t a
good listener or they weren’t very bright.

I now use the definition of being a good communicator that I learned in the study of NLP
(Neuro-Linguistic Programming): “A good communicator is someone who creates the
response they want to create.”

That means, to me, that if I didn’t create the response in the other person that I intended,
it means that my communication wasn’t effective with them… and I need to try
communicating the same message in a different way.

Stay conscious and aware. Notice how your partner is reacting to what you’re saying
and/or doing. If you see its not working, stop doing what you’re doing.

Keep it positive.

Keep your communication with your partner as close to being 100% positive as you can.

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The absolute single best way to keep the positive momentum going after your
partner gives you a second/next/LAST chance is…

Have as much fun together as your partner is willing to have with you.

Why is having fun together important to do right now in your relationship? Remember,
for your partner to get to the point of calling for a breakup, it almost always means
they’ve spent weeks, months or sometimes even years creating in their mind a
generalized negative image or association of being with you.

The more “100% fun” times you create together, the more you help to challenge and
change their image and experience of you.

Also, having “100% fun” times together, at this stage of your relationship, may help to
build their desire and motivation to want to spend more time with you and to want to stay
with you.

How to have fun together after your relationship “turning point.”

Make a list for yourself of the ways you had fun together in the beginning of your
relationship. Add to that list the more recent ways you’ve had fun together.

Decide which of those ways you think your partner would be open to now.

Tell him/her that you’d like to do something fun together. Ask if that’s something they’re
open to do with you. In my experience, once a person has decided to give their partner
another/last chance, they are willing to spend time with them.

Tell him/her some of the possibilities for fun you thought of. Ask them which of those
choices they’d like to do with you. Tell them you’d be happy to do any of those choices
with them that they pick and/or any others they come up with on their own. Go with
whatever choice(s) they pick or come up with on their own.

Don’t try to negotiate their choices. Just be grateful that they’re willing to spend any time
with you at all.

If they want you to make the decision on what to do, then pick something you think they
would most enjoy doing with you.

The goal of sharing fun times together is just that: pure fun!

This is not the time to discuss any problems, issues, concerns, or responsibilities. The
biggest strides forward you’ll create toward rebuilding your relationship at this point is to
do your best to make these fun times 100% fun for both of you!

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Encourage the majority of your fun times to be out of the house.

You both probably have a lot of negative associations around being together at home.
You’ll find it easier and more doable to create 100% fun times doing activities out of the
house together.

Put the emphasis on fun activities, as opposed to meals together.

Ideally, you want to do activities that aren’t conducive to talking. With any talking, you
run the risk of getting into issues and problems, and winding up in what could be your
final pre-breakup fight.

Be 100% sober from now on, and especially during your fun times together.

Even if you have no problem with substances or alcohol, doing them now is very risky. In
World War II, there was a common phrase: “Loose lips sink ships.” There’s no good
reason, is there, to jeopardize the relationship you’re striving to save?

My message to you, then, is: Don’t let “loose lips sink your relation-ship.” In other
words, it only takes one beer too many, for example, to say something to your partner
that, unbeknownst to you, he/she takes offense to, causing him/her to break up with you
“for good” this time.

If your partner really wants a meal together as part of the fun times, ask for some
“up-front agreements.”

You can say something like, “I’d love to take you out for dinner. But I also want to do
my best to ensure that this is a 100% fun and positive experience for you. So, I’d like us
to make an agreement that we won’t discuss any problems or issues, to insure that we
keep it 100% positive and fun. I make that commitment to you. Would you be willing to
make that agreement with me?”

In my experience, when you put it that way, the partner usually agrees to such terms.

During the meal out, make sure to keep your agreement. If they forget, gently remind
them, saying something like, “Can we just have fun together tonight?” As a back up, take
a little bathroom break; then, when you come back, introduce something else fun to talk
about.

During the meal, “stack the deck” with a positive focus.

What works for lots of couples who are in a fragile state and having a meal out together is
to bring something positive to focus on.

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For example, you could pick up one or more of the “Chicken Soup For The Soul” books,
and read short stories from those books to your partner. They are full of positive, often
touching stories.

Make sure that, if you do this, you pre-select the stories you want to share; that is, choose
those that you’re convinced will give your partner positive feelings.

If you just randomly pick a story to share, you could wind up picking one that will
retrigger their upset with you.

Be careful and have fun!

What about romantic settings and activities?

As part of the choices you present to your partner, you may present activities and places
that, knowing your partner as you do, they are likely to consider romantic.

If they choose one of those, great. If they don’t, do not push it on them. They probably
didn’t pick a “romantic” choice, because they’re not feeling ready for that.

Surprises are risky.

It may seem to you to be a nice, fun touch to surprise them. The risk of that is that, if you
pick the wrong choice, it could backfire.

The safest thing to do during this fragile time in your relationship is to present a number
of options to him/her, and let their choice dictate what you end up doing (even if it’s a
choice you didn’t think of).

What if he/she picks a physical activity to do together?

If your partner picks a physical activity to do with you, like hiking, walking, a sport,
miniature golf, bowling, etc., remember that there’s only one goal for the activity: FUN.

I’ve seen lots of people ruin their partner’s fun time by trying make sure they get a good
workout during the activity and then leaving their less fit partner behind and in frustration
or anger.

Here are the guidelines to insure that the physical activity you do together will be
fun for them:

• Go at their pace
• No teasing or put downs
• No criticizing
• No teaching (or coaching, etc.)

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• No unsolicited advice

If you follow the recommendations given above, you’ll likely find that you’ve done the
activity in a way you’re your partner feels better about being with you.

Coming Attractions for the next section:

• What it takes to have consistent follow-through to save your relationship.

• How to sustain your motivation to do the work you need to do in order to save
your relationship.
• How to be to rebuild your partner’s trust in you.

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Section 4:

How To Have The Power And Ability

To Consistently Follow Through
To Save Your Relationship

What you’ll get in this section:

• How to break your deadly habit of procrastination, a habit which could keep
you from effectively learning and implementing the relationship-saving skills
laid out in this training.

• How to stay consistent in creating the right mind set and in learning and
mastering the skills to do your best to maximize the possibility of saving your
relationship

Overview of what it takes to have consistent follow-through.

The following are the elements that you need to have in place to be able to have the
choice and ability to consistently follow through with what you’re learning from this
training to save your relationship:

• Have clear goals and outcomes

• Make a plan and prioritize the components of your plan
• Have a system for following through with the implementation of your plan
• Be consistent in working your follow-through system

You can also apply these elements to build the ability to follow through with anything
else you want to be consistent with.

Having clear goals and outcomes.

You need to be clear on your goals and outcomes. You need to know specifically what
you want, or what you want to accomplish.

I’m assuming that because you bought this home study course, that you have a clear goal
to do your best to save your relationship.

Making a plan and prioritizing the components of your plan.

By using this home study course, you are effectively following a proven “formula for
success” to save your relationship.

When it comes to saving your relationship, I laid out the plan for you in the last section:

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First, go through this entire training as quickly as possible. Don’t stop to take notes, just
get through it. This initial run through will help you become familiar with what its going
to take to save your relationship. It will also get you into the right mind set you’ll need to
accomplish that.

Second, continue re-reading Save Your Relationship, once you’ve gone through it one
time because creating a new way of thinking and looking at how to save your
relationship in a more accurate, productive, and effective way, requires a lot of
reinforcement.

Third, practice one strategy at a time, incorporating these skills into your everyday life.

Simply by working with the skills in the workbook, in the order that they’re presented,
you will automatically be prioritizing properly; that is, you will systematically learn,
practice and master the relationship-saving skills and strategies in their best and most
effective order.

You will get the best results by doing these skills precisely and accurately.

The next step to save your relationship.

To really master this information at a level that will allow you to maximize the possibility
of saving your relationship you need to learn and practice the skills and strategies.

It’s like the difference between reading the sports section of the newspaper or watching
sports on television, versus learning and practicing the requisite skills in your favorite
sport to get better and better at playing that sport.

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Certainly, in order to get good at a sport, one needs discipline and focused amounts of
time spent on skill development.

Luckily, it takes a fraction of the time to master the skills in this course compared to what
it takes to get really good at a sport.

How do you actually get things done?

Everything we do on a consistent basis is done through following procedures, whether

we are conscious of it or not.

For example, when you drive your car, you go through a series of procedures (even to
start the car requires a multi-step process). It probably consists of a number of actions
like, turning off your car alarm, which will also unlock your doors, putting your things
inside, putting on your seat belt, looking through your windows and mirrors so you can
safely maneuver the car out of the space where its parked, etc.

Those are a lot of steps, when you think about it; but you’ve probably done it so many
times and for so long, that it’s probably pretty easy and effortless for you.

Similarly, you need to set procedures up for learning and mastering this training, so that it
begins to feel like an effortless routine.

You get things done in your life when you make specific commitments, schedule
specific dates and times to accomplish them, and then you keep your commitments
and appointments.

Imagine the following scenario. You bump into a person that you don’t especially get
along with, and they say, “Hey, let’s get together sometime.” You might say “Great. Let
me check my schedule and I’ll give you a call.” But, inside, you have already decided
that you won’t check your schedule, you won’t call them, and if they don’t follow up with
you, you hope that that’s the end of it. You won’t get together with them.

Contrast that to getting a call from a good friend who calls you up and says, “ I’m having
a hard time at my job, right now. I’d really like to get together and talk it over with you as
soon as possible. When can we do that?”

You immediately coordinate schedules and commit to a specific time and place to get
together. Your “get together” happens because you both made a specific commitment or
an appointment to get together, and you both keep that commitment or appointment.

Making and keeping appointments with yourself to study and learn the skills and
strategies in this training will give you the greatest possibility of saving your
relationship!

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To have the greatest possibility of saving your relationship, you’ll need to take one skill
at a time, learn that skill and practice that skill. Make appointments with yourself related
to when you are going to actually take one skill at a time and learn it. That will probably
require working with the written workbook. The main point, here, is: You need to write
down your appointments.

What are some key things you can do to insure that your appointments with
yourself are as productive as possible to help you save your relationship?

First, make sure that you have no distractions. Put your phones on voice-mail. Turn your
cell phone off. Don’t check your e-mail. Let others in your environment know that you
need to remain uninterrupted during that time.

If you can’t create a “zero interruption environment” in your home, then go to a location
where you can.

Work with the skills in the workbook in the order they’re presented, to get the best and
quickest results.

Practice with everyone.

As part of your appointment times, make a plan detailing when and with whom you’re
going to practice your new relationship-saving skills.

I suggest that you keep an open mind, too, about choosing your “practice partners.”

I will tell you, now, that you will undoubtedly find that you can practice them with
everyone; because they have been shown to work with family members, friends, work
associates, children, etc.

Practice makes…

There’s an old saying: “Practice makes perfect.” What I think is more relevant to our
cause, here, is the saying that I heard from the wonderful motivational speaker, T. Harv
Eker: “Practice makes permanent.”

In other words, for maximum effectiveness, you’ll do best to practice your new
relationship-saving skills enough, so that they become a part of your everyday way of
communicating.

What do you do if, during your appointment times with yourself, you feel stuck or
fearful or anxious or worried… or that you just want to procrastinate?

Having feelings, thoughts, fears, worries and/or anxieties come up during your
appointment times is normal and natural.

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Further, feeling resistance, frustration, fear of failure, feeling overwhelmed, urges to

procrastinate and “self-sabotage” is a normal and natural part of any change process.

You’re probably going to need to express and release those thoughts and feelings before
you can move on to being productive in saving your relationship.

The quickest, easiest way of getting them out and releasing them is to do some Train of
Thought Writing which we covered in the section titled: “How To Maximize The
Possibility Of Getting A Second/Next LAST Chance With Your Partner.”

Doing Train of Thought Writing during your relationship-saving appointment times is a

totally valid and appropriate use of that time.

Often, we have feelings and thoughts that block us from taking positive action. When you
express your feelings and thoughts with the intention of releasing them through Train of
Thought Writing, you’ll find yourself more able to follow through with learning and
implementing your relationship saving skills.

What are some realistic time commitments to make to yourself to save your
relationship, if you’re a really busy person?

As we talked about in the previous section, the first level of working with the Save your
Relationship training is to become familiar with the whole picture of what it takes to
actually save your relationship.

You can do that by getting into the habit of listening to the audio version of this training
during your multi tasking time.

The second level of working with this home study course is to study and learn the skills
step-by-step, in order, deepening your understanding and mastery of the concepts and
skills.

I suggest that you make and keep at least one 15 minute appointment with yourself each
day.

Fifteen minutes is just a fraction of the time you’ve probably been spending on being
upset about your relationship being in trouble.

How to make the best use of your relationship saving appointments with yourself.

Study one skill at a time, in the order that it’s presented in the course.

There are two kinds of skills I’m showing you, those to do with yourself and those to do
with others.

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During your appointment times with yourself look over your next 24 hours and determine
where, when and/or with whom you’re going to be able to apply those skills.

For example, let’s say you were working with the Train of Thought Writing tool. As you
looked over your day, you might see that you were scheduled to meet with someone that
tends to “push your buttons.”

It is likely you could benefit from doing Train of Thought Writing as soon as that
meeting was over to help you get our your feelings and to enable you to get back into
emotional balance.

What’s one of the major stumbling blocks you will have to face in order to save your
relationship?

Again, to successfully save your relationship you need to have consistent follow through
in working with this home study course.

One of the biggest stumbling blocks you will have to doing that is dealing with double
standards.

Most people have a double standard. They tend to be pretty consistent in making,
tracking, remembering and keeping agreements with others, especially in a work
environment.

But they tend not to carry that pattern of consistency into their personal life, especially
with themselves or with their partner. In other words, they have a double standard.

Why it’s important to break that double standard.

There are lots of reasons why it’s important to break that double standard. However,
since your top priority, right now, is to save your relationship, we’ll focus on that.

To be able to “do your best” to save your relationship, you need to be consistent in
making and keeping agreements with yourself.

That means, especially, you’ll need to make and keep the following agreements with
yourself:
1. Read, listen to or watch this home study course in its entirety, as often as possible
(including during your multi-tasking times, driving, etc., where applicable), and

2. Study, learn and practice the skills in this training (again, as often as possible).

How to break your double standard, and begin making and consistently keeping
agreements with yourself and your partner.

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I recommend that you have one written system for tracking all of your appointments and
agreements. That includes the agreements and appointments that you make for work, with
your partner, with your kids (where applicable), with all others, and with yourself.

Don’t try to keep any of your agreements or appointments in your head!

I’ve never met anyone who can accurately and consistently track and keep appointments
and agreements, if they don’t write them down.

Use a system of tracking your agreements and appointments that you can and do keep
with you all of the time.

Refer to your written appointment tracking system throughout the day and evening, seven
days a week.

What are the best times to set up appointment times with yourself to learn the Save
Your Relationship skills?

Make appointments with yourself at times when you’re most likely to keep them. In my
experience, the people who are consistent in keeping appointments with themselves
schedule the appointments that they most want to keep, to occur first thing in the
morning.

If you’re not a morning person or if you feel that you don’t have any extra time in the
morning, then set those appointments with yourself for a different time of day.

The bottom lines you’re looking for are results and consistent follow-through.

Pay attention to your ability to follow through with your appointment times with yourself.
I’ve seen lots of people start off by setting appointments with themselves for the last
thing in the evening.

By that time, they are so tired, that they have no energy or motivation left to keep those
appointments.

They wind up realizing the only way they are going to be consistent in making and
keeping appointments with themselves is to schedule and do them earlier, first thing in
the morning… even if that means they have to get up a little earlier.

Wit is one of the keys to your relationship saving success.

Most people who are consistent and successful in keeping their agreements with
themselves and their partners use a lot of “W.I.T.” (Whatever It Takes) in making and
keeping their agreements with themselves and with their partner.

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In other words, they are unstoppable in their determination, commitment and actions
relating to following through.

How far in advance should you make appointments with yourself?

You should make appointments with your self further in advance than any other
appointments or agreements that you make with others.

The reason for this is that you’ve probably been in the habit, for quite some time, of
putting yourself and your relationship last.

To put your life back in balance and to be able to save your relationship, I suggest that
you schedule your appointments with yourself first, and schedule the rest of your life
around those self appointments.

What do you do if you feel you have no time to spare to learn how to save you
relationship?

You need to do whatever it takes to keep your Save Your Relationship appointments with
yourself. Even if you have to sleep 15 minutes less each night, so that you can get up
earlier to keep your appointments with yourself. Saving your relationship is worth it!

No one procrastinates everything.

Whether or not you think that you’re a procrastinator, and whether or not you think that
you have no self-discipline, the reality is that there are things that you do consistently
every day.

These are the things that you put in the non-negotiable category, things that keep your
life going, including sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom and working at your job or
business.

These are things that you do whether you feel like doing them or not.

You need to put “consistent learning and follow-through with this training” into the same
non-negotiable category to be able to save your relationship.

What it takes to create consistent follow-through:

• You need to make a commitment to yourself to stay consistent in following

through.
• You need to be in touch with and to be able to stay connected to your motivation
to consistently follow through.
• You need to have procedures in place that will allow you to do your best to stay
consistent in following through.

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For example, you probably are committed to get to work on time.

You probably know the consequences of not being consistent in getting to work on time
either from your own experience or what you’ve seen happen to a co-worker that’s late a
lot.

You have procedures for getting to work on time. For instance, you have discovered
what time you have to leave your home by, to account for weather, driving conditions
and traffic to get to work on time.

What motivates people?

In my experience, there are only 2 ways that people get motivated. People are either
motivated by their desire to avoid discomfort and/or they are motivated by their desire to
move toward pleasure.

How to clarify your motivation to do the work you need to do in order to save your
relationship?

The best way to clarify your motivation is to make two lists.

The first list is the immediate and long-term consequences (to you) of not staying
consistent in reading, listening to, watching, studying, practicing and mastering the skills
in this Save Your Relationship training.

The second list is the immediate and long-term benefits (for you) of staying consistent in
reading, listening to, watching, studying, practicing and mastering the skills in this Save
Your Relationship training.

Here are the motivation lists I suggest you start using, ready for you to work with.

The following are motivation lists you can print out and start working with right away,
until you have the time to create your own lists.

You have a folder in your Save Your Relationship training called “Forms.” In that folder
are Microsoft Word documents of the following two lists for you. Print them out now.
Further along in this section, I’ll show you how to work with them. At any time you
choose, you can edit, delete and/or add to the lists to make them more uniquely fit you.

The following are the 2 lists you will find in the “Forms” section of your workbook.

My Negative Consequences Motivation List

The immediate and long-term consequences to me of not staying consistent in

reading, listening to, watching, studying, practicing and mastering the skills in this
Save Your Relationship training are the following:

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¾ By not following through and learning the right kind of skills and strategies, and
by not putting them into practice, it’s much more likely that I’ll lose my partner,
and perhaps even my family.
¾ What I’ve been doing to stop our breakup IS NOT WORKING! If I don’t learn
and master this new approach, things are likely to continue to get worse and
worse between us.
¾ I can lose my home.
¾ I can wind up in a big financial setback.
¾ I’ll be lonely.
¾ I’ll have to go back to being in the singles world again.
¾ I won’t get to see my kids grow up on a daily basis.
¾ I’ll keep saying and doing the wrong things, which will continue to push my
partner away.
¾ We’ll continue to have mean, angry, hurtful fights with each other that can wind
up destroying our relationship for good.
¾ We’ll keep falling back into verbal abuse, criticism, lack of respect and putdowns.
¾ We’ll continue to have so little affection, that we’ll both continue to feel more
like we’re roommates than romantic partners.
¾ I’ll run a greater risk of losing the relationship for good.
¾ I’ll keep doing the things that make my partner feel whatever she/he does isn’t
good enough for me, and that she’s/he’s in a no-win situation if we stay together.
¾ I’ll keep falling back into the patterns I get into when I’m upset: making my
partner feel that I’m turning on them, twisting their words, attacking them, and
acting like everything’s their fault.
¾ I’ll keep acting in a way that makes my partner feel tense before I come home,
because they believe I’ll find fault with them.
¾ I’ll keep being reactive and feeling controlled by my partner’s negativity (and my
own negativity).
¾ We’ll both keep feeling like we’re sacrificing, and making unwanted
compromises for each other.
¾ I’ll keep being jealous and pushing my partner away with my jealousy and
distrust.
¾ If I don’t learn how to successfully deal with the negative influences my parents,
in-laws, other relatives, friends and/or co-workers put on me and/or my partner,
they’ll keep eroding our relationship. If I don’t learn the right way to deal with
them, my partner will feel like I’m either trying to control her/him, or that I’m
putting her/him in the middle, which will further drive my partner away from me.
¾ I’ll continue to violate my own standards I hold for myself, by the way I talk to
and treat my partner.
¾ I’ll fail at yet another relationship.
¾ I’ll keep making the same mistakes in this relationship and/or future relationships.
I won’t learn from my experience of what’s not working, because I won’t be
doing the work to get better at my part in making a relationship work.

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¾ I’ll continue to be a bad role model for my kids, nieces and nephews. I’ll keep
teaching them by my example what not to do in a romantic relationship
(something I really DON’T want to continue to pass on to them).
¾ We’ll keep having less and less in common, and continue to not know how to
turn that around.
¾ I’ll continue to act in a way that makes my partner feel like I don’t understand or
listen to her/him, or care about their feelings.
¾ I’ll continue to speak and act in ways that will make her/him not want to stay with
me.
¾ I’ll continue to not be consistent in remembering and keeping my agreements and
promises to her/him. I’ll continue to demonstrate that I’m not true to my word and
that she/he can’t count on me.
¾ I’ll keep falling back into my old patterns that demonstrate to my partner that they
can’t have a loving, supportive relationship with me.
¾ I’ll keep letting my buttons get pushed, and then speak and act before I think,
which keeps making things worse between us.
¾ If I feel hurt or angry, I’ll continue to go back into my old “automatic” behavior
of striking out at my partner, hurting their feelings, pushing them away, or
isolating myself from her/him.
¾ I’ll keep doing things that reinforce the belief in my partner that she/he has to go
outside of the relationship to get the understanding and emotional support she/he
is looking for.
¾ I won’t know how to break the patterns we’ve fallen into, which have created a
lack of affection, passion and romance.
¾ If we continue to only be parents together and don’t recapture our romantic
relationship, my partner may choose to not stay with me.
¾ I won’t be able to break the cycle we’ve fallen into that’s driving my partner out
of the relationship.
¾ If I don’t change, my partner will keep seeing that being with me and spending
time with me is an unwelcome obligation and she/he won’t want to stay.
¾ If I don’t learn to be a better listener and make my partner feel more listened to,
understood and accepted, she/he is not going to want to stay with me.
¾ If I don’t learn how to work out agreements that work for both of us, my partner
will keep feeling like she/he is giving in, sacrificing, or being controlled by me.
That will make her/him more and more resentful, and could complete the process
of pushing her/him out of the relationship.
¾ If I don’t learn how to speak to my partner in a way that will cause her/him to
open up to me, to be more cooperative and positive and really hear what I have to
say, then I’ll keep reacting in a way that will push her/him further and further
away.
¾ If I don’t learn and do these skills, I can rationalize that I did my best to save my
relationship; but I know I’ll be lying to myself. I don’t want to have to look back
with regret and remorse at the fact that I didn’t take advantage of the knowledge
from this training to save my relationship.

My Positive Benefits Motivation List

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The immediate and long-term benefits (to me) of staying consistent in reading,
listening to, watching, studying, practicing and mastering the skills in this Save Your
Relationship training are the following:

¾ I’ll be able to dramatically increase the chances of saving my relationship.

¾ I’ll be able to help us both reconnect and stay connected to the love that brought
us together in the first place.
¾ We get to keep our home together
¾ I won’t have to go back to dating and the ”singles” world again.
¾ We get to keep our family together.
¾ I get to see my kids grow up on a daily basis.
¾ I get to be honorable and do the right thing by my partner.
¾ I’ll now have the skills to talk to my partner, and to treat her/him in a way that
accurately reflects my love for her/him.
¾ I can now be more effective in convincing my partner to give me another chance.
¾ We get to stay together and make our relationship really work this time.
¾ I can now learn what to say and do that will actually save my relationship.
¾ I can rebuild trust with my partner.
¾ I can learn the skills to work out disagreements and misunderstandings, without
fighting, arguing and bickering.
¾ I can now treat my partner with the respect, love and care that I really feel for
her/him.
¾ I can now be a positive role model for my kids, nieces and nephews, and show
them how to be a loving, supportive relationship partner.
¾ I can now help my partner and I bring back more affection into our relationship.
¾ I’ll now have the ability to help us actually resolve issues, instead of having the
same fights about the same things over and over again.
¾ I’ll now have the skills to help us to create more shared interests together.
¾ I’ll have the skills to make my partner feel listened to and understood by me,
which is really important to her/him.
¾ I’ll now be able to demonstrate to my partner that I can and will keep my word
with her/him.
¾ I can now become more effective in helping my partner to be motivated to
recommit to making our relationship work.
¾ I can now become more effective in helping my partner get back her/his loving
feelings for me, so that she/he not only loves me, but also feels in love with me.
¾ I’ll be able to master the skills of getting out my frustrations and upsets in a new
way that won’t create negative consequences to the relationship, and without
hurting my partner’s feelings.
¾ I’ll be able to reconnect to being the positive, loving, supportive partner that I
want to be for my partner, and to stay consistent in doing that.
¾ I’ll be able to help us get back the affection, romance and passion in our
relationship. I’ll be able to help us get back our emotional and physical intimacy
together.

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¾ I’ll be more effective in doing my part to get us back to being a loving, happy
couple together, rather than just being parents together.
¾ I’ll be able to make my partner feel more consistently accepted, appreciated and
supported by me.
¾ I’ll be able to help us re-create a feeling of cooperation between the two of us.
¾ I’ll be able to help us get back to looking forward to and enjoying spending time
with each other.
¾ I’ll be able to stop being reactive and feeling controlled by my partner’s
negativity and my own negativity.
¾ I’ll be able to become a more positive person for my partner and for myself.
¾ I’ll be able to create mutual emotional support in our relationship.
¾ I’ll be able to have the ability to help us work out agreements that will work for
both of us.
¾ I’ll have the skills to positively keep parents, in-laws, other relatives, friends
and/or co-workers from having a negative impact on our relationship. I’ll further
have the ability to set those limits in a way that won’t hurt my or our relationship
with each of them.
¾ I’ll learn to be more effective in getting and giving consistent emotional support.
¾ I’ll learn how to speak to my partner in a way that will inspire my partner to open
up to me, be more cooperative and positive, and really hear what I have to say.
¾ By learning these skills and strategies and putting them into practice, it’s much
more likely that I’ll be able to stop my breakup and save my family.
¾ I’ll have a much better chance to save my relationship by learning these step-by-
step strategies, instead of continuing to say and do things that are pushing my
partner further and further away.
¾ Working with Save Your Relationship will help me to get into the right mindset
and have the right perspective to save my relationship.
¾ As I master these strategies, I’ll begin to notice improvement. This will give me
even greater motivation and momentum to try more strategies with my partner,
and to keep making things better and better between us.
¾ I can now do my best at a whole new, higher, more effective level to save my
relationship.

How to work with your motivation lists.

• As soon as possible, go to your “Forms Folder” and print up your motivation lists.

• Keep them with you at all times.

• Read them right before you go to bed at night. Read them first thing in the
morning.

• Read them right before you are going to call, e-mail or see your partner.

• Read them at the beginning of your Save Your Relationship appointment times
with yourself.

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Again, at any time you choose, you can edit the word file of each motivation list in the
“Forms Folder” to more precisely tailor it to fit your motivations or to create your own
lists from scratch. Then print out and work with your edited versions.

Should you show these lists to your partner?

When the timing seems right, you might choose to show the “positive benefits” list to
your partner.

It may be a demonstration to them of your appreciation of who they are and what they
bring to your life.

It probably won’t be wise to show her/him the “negative consequences” list.

Your partner may interpret your negative consequences list to mean that you are only
staying with them for fear of what will happen, not because you really love them and
want to be with them.

Everyone is different. You know your partner and only you can determine if there is a
benefit to you and the relationship to show them either or both of your motivation lists.

Why it’s important for you to work with your Save your relationship motivations
lists.

Working with your motivation lists will give you staying power. Remember, your partner
is in a very self protective state. They’re not likely to be giving you a lot of positive
feedback for the efforts you’re making to save the relationship.

Reading and re-reading your motivation lists will help you to stay in touch with why
you’ve committed to learn and master these skills to save your relationship.

Staying in touch with your motivation will give you the consistency of follow through
you’ll need to save your relationship.

The next step is to make, sign and commit to a formal agreement with yourself!

In our society, people often formalize their interactions by making agreements or

contracts with each other, either orally or in writing.

I believe that it’s equally important to make agreements with yourself. And since most of
us have faulty memories, over time, it’s important to make such an agreement in writing.

The following is a template for an agreement with yourself, to follow through with
this training to save your relationship.

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You can also find this agreement with yourself in your “Forms Folder.” Just print it out,
sign and date it. It’s in a Microsoft Word file, so that anytime you choose to, you can edit
it and tailor it to you. If and when you do make an edited or new version of this
agreement, be sure to sign and date it.

Agreement With Myself To

Consistently Do My Best To Save My Relationship

I commit to doing my best to learn and master the skills from my “Save My Relationship
Training”… to save my relationship. I will do the following:

I will print out and carry my motivation lists (the negative consequences of not staying
consistent in reading, listening to, watching, studying, practicing and mastering the skills
in this Save Your Relationship training), and the positive benefits of consistently
following through with my Save Your Relationship training) with me at all times, to
remind me about why I’ve made this commitment to myself.

Each time before I’m going to speak to my partner or see my partner, I will re-read those
lists, in order to remind myself about why I’ve committed to learn and master those
skills.

I will incorporate learning and reinforcing those skills throughout my day by listening to
and reviewing this training as often as possible, including while I’m multi-tasking or
driving, while I’m getting ready to go somewhere, and/or while I’m exercising.

I will make and keep daily appointments with myself that are at least 15 minutes in
length, to work with my Save My Relationship Workbook, to systematically read, make
notes about and study these skills.

During those appointment times, I will remove all distractions, so that I can be fully
present and make the greatest progress during each appointment.

Removing all distractions includes making myself unavailable and inaccessible to

everyone else. That includes putting my phones on voice-mail and turning off my cell
phone. It also includes not checking my e-mail or doing any other multi-tasking, while
engaged in these appointments with myself.

I understand that feeling resistance, frustration, fear of failure, feeling overwhelmed,

procrastination and self-sabotage are all normal and natural parts of any change process.

I will do my Train of Thought Writing (“I am writing my thoughts and feelings with the
intention of releasing them…”) the moment I notice any undesirable or unhealthy
feelings coming up.

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I will do my “Train of Thought Writing” because it will help me to express those feelings
and thereby enable me to release them. I can then get back into action and stay in action,
to keep all of my agreements with myself and others.

I will systematically practice my new skills throughout the day, not just with my partner,
but also in my everyday life, so that they become a part of how I communicate and how I
am. By consistently practicing those skills, they’ll be available for me to use when I
really need them with my partner.

I know that ultimately, I can only do my best to save my relationship; and that being able
to save my relationship is not completely within my control.

I will keep this agreement with me at all times, and will always read it right before I go to
bed and right when I wake up in the morning.

I am proud of myself for making and keeping this agreement with myself, to enable me to
take “doing my best” to a whole new level to save my relationship.

_____________________________________ ________________
Signature Date

Being consistent, from this point forward, in making and keeping your agreements
with your partner helps to rebuild her/his trust in you.

Again, one of the biggest reasons that I hear from clients about why they are considering
breaking up with their partner, is that they no longer trust their partner to keep their word.

They feel they’ve been let down countless times; that their partner makes promises and
agreements with them, and then the partner either doesn’t remember those agreements
and promises, or just doesn’t keep them.

Since you now have the knowledge of what it takes to make, track and keep agreements,
you can now apply that knowledge to being consistent, from this point forward, in
making, tracking and keeping your agreements with your partner. This can go a long
ways toward rebuilding her/his trust in you!

This is a lot of work; why not just go to counseling?

The next section covers the potential benefits and consequences of going to counseling. It
further goes into what you can do to maximize the chances of getting greater benefit from
counseling to help save your relationship, and to minimize the possibility of any negative
consequences to your relationship from that counseling.

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However, counseling won’t take the place of making and keeping your commitments
with yourself; nor will it replace the necessity of mastering the skills in “Save Your
Relationship.”

Quick action step for you to take:

Go to your “Forms Folder” from your printed download and print up:
1. Your negative consequences and positive benefits lists for following through
with this training;
2. Your agreement with yourself for follow through. Sign and date it.

Keep your lists and agreements with you at all times.

Coming Attractions for the next section:

• How to identify, find, and get the most help from the most important person to
have on your team to help you save your relationship.
• Why I’m recommending that you get relationship counseling or coaching as soon
as possible.
• How to pick a counselor who’s a Relationship Saver, not a Relationship Ender.
• Why, in most cases, despite an insistence that the relationship is over for them,
most leaving partners are willing to come to that first session because they
secretly hope there really is a way to save the relationship… and they really do
want to be able to justify the act of giving their partner a last chance.
• How to find the right relationship saving counselor.
• How to get your partner to go to relationship counseling with you.
• What you can do if you can’t find the right relationship saving counselor?
• How do you get the most out of working with a Relationship Therapist?
• Why many people wind up breaking up for good after they start relationship
counseling, and how you can minimize the possibility of creating that fate in you
relationship.

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Section 5

How To Pick The Right Relationship Counselor

To Help You To Save Your Relationship
and How To Get the Most Out of Working with Them

Years ago, I was told the story of the trial of Henry Ford. Henry was the first person that
brought the automobile to the mainstream American public. Later in his life, when he was
a senior citizen, there was a small faction of people in his corporation who tried to get
him kicked out as the President of Ford Motor Company, so that they could take over.

Their strategy was to get him declared mentally incompetent.

When he was on the witness stand, the opposing counsel said: “Mr. Ford, it’s my
understanding that you don’t read a newspaper or listen to the news on the radio. How
can you run an international corporation, when you don’t even know what’s happening in
the world?”

Henry responded by saying: “Let me tell you about my desk. I have a big, beautiful,
cherry wood desk.” The opposing attorney stood there with a smirk on his face,
convinced that Henry Ford was about to make the case against himself.

Henry continued “On my desk are a lot of buttons. If I get word that there is internal
strife in Uruguay, I go into action. You see, we have a plant in Uruguay. I press Button
#73. That gives me access to the top expert in the world on how internal strife in Uruguay
affects American corporations, and he’ll also be able to tell me the most effective action
to take.”

Henry proceeded to talk about the other buttons on his big, beautiful, cherry wood desk,
and how each button gave him access to top advisors who, collectively, were experts on
every aspect of the successful management of his company.

What was the verdict? There was none! The case was thrown out of court.

Are you the fool or the wise person?

The fool is the “know-it-all,” the “do-it-yourselfer” who tries to do everything on their
own, and is too stubborn or too prideful or too unaware to know when to get help.

The wise person, the successful person, the person of power, is always looking to add
experts to his/her team, in order to help them maximize the possibility of meeting their
goals.

What you’ll learn in this section:

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• Why it’s essential to get help and coaching from a relationship counselor or
coach.
• What to look for in a relationship counselor.
• How to find a relationship counselor who has what you’re looking for.
• What to ask him/her in your free phone interview, which should come standard
with each of your prospective counselors/coaches.

This section will also give you tips on how to get the most out of working with the
one you choose; and how to make sure that the way you go through the counseling
doesn’t cause your partner to break up with you for good.

Why finding and going to a relationship counselor is usually a critical element in

saving your relationship.

In my professional opinion, no relationship expert, including myself, through writings,

teachings, talks or seminars, can take the place of one-on-one, in person or over-the-
phone counseling or coaching for your relationship.

In addition, taking the initiative to find the right relationship counselor may be taken as a
sign by your partner of your commitment to save your relationship.

Often, the person who has stated they want to breakup had been trying to get their partner
to go to relationship counseling with them. They had either been put off or flatly told
“No!”

I’ve worked with some couples where that person has been “rejected” by their partner for
weeks, months or even years, in their efforts to get their partner into couple counseling
with them.

Your finding the right therapist for your relationship can also help your partner to get past
one of her/his biggest objections to giving you a last chance, which is her/his concern
that there’s no reason to believe that anything will be different.

One of the primary reasons she/he had been wanting the two of you to go to relationship
counseling in the first place is that she/he thought that it could help to make the
relationship workable for her/him!

The Save Your Relationship Home Study Course vs. relationship counseling.

The right relationship counselor, working with you on a one-to-one basis, can fine-tune
an approach that’s precisely tailored to save your relationship.

On the other hand, relationship counseling doesn’t take the place of what you’re learning
in this course. The Save Your Relationship Home Study Course is the culmination of my

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30-plus years of knowledge, innnovation and experience as a relationship therapist. Much

of what I’m providing you in these sections, you can’t find anywhere else.

Mastering the skills in Save Your Relationship along with going to the right relationship
counselor, is the best combination I know of for you to maximize the possibility of
saving your relationship.

Why I’m recommending that you get relationship counseling or coaching as soon as
possible.

It might take a while to research and find the right counselor, and then obtain an
appointment with that counselor; so get started as soon as possible. When it comes to
saving your relationship, time is not yet on your side.

You’ve probably known of couples who went to relationship counseling and still
wound up breaking up. Is it possible that the wrong therapist can do you more
harm than good, and even contribute to a final breakup?

Yes, that’s a valid fear.

If you and your partner, or just you, are open to relationship counseling, I would highly
recommend that you do it with the right counselor.

When a relationship is in crisis, it’s in a very delicate state. Relationship counseling is not
neutral. It can either help make the relationship better, or if done incorrectly, it can push
the relationship over the edge.

Pick a counselor who’s a Relationship Saver, not a Relationship Ender.

All relationship counselors have their biases.

Some think that if a relationship isn’t working, a person should get out. And so they’ll
tend to guide an individual or couple in that direction. I call them Relationship Enders.

Others, like myself, believe that, with rare exception, an individual and/or couple should
do everything possible to get the skills to make their relationship work, thereby saving
their relationship and often their family unit. We’re Relationship Savers.

It’s my professional belief and experience that most romantic relationships that end,
end unnecessarily, and end with the couple still having love for each other.

What has been demonstrated to me, over and over, is that most relationships, when an
individual or couple gets the right kind of help and training, and consistently practices
those skills, can actually not just stay together, but can both individually thrive staying
together.

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How relationship counseling tends to be conducted.

The way it’s often done proceeds like this: the therapist will get the couple to come in
and talk about their problems and their feelings, and each time, will have them talk about
their feelings and problem. Perhaps they may also give the couple insights and foster
understanding about why they have those feelings and problems.

It’s a process that can go on for months, and even longer.

That way of working takes a long time. Often, a person who’s ready to leave the
relationship won’t stick around that long.

There’s an even bigger problem with that way of working.

If a therapist gets a couple to talk about their problems, and continues to support their
rehashing of those problems during each session-without giving them tools and solutions-
-the couple (and especially the person who’s on the verge of ending the relationship) will
tend to get even more upset.

It’s a potentially destructive way of working and can wind up finalizing the breakup.

Most therapists are never taught how to help a couple to stop their breakup and to have a
true chance to make their relationship work.

How relationship counseling is done by a Relationship Saver.

In the first part of that first session the therapist is looking to understand where things
currently are in the relationship vs. where you want them to be.

A competent, experienced therapist can usually get the bulk of the information necessary
to help a couple to save their relationship in that first session. A relationship-saving
counselor can also, during that first session, give you an overview of how specifically
they can help you to get the relationship back on track.

With the right counselor, if your partner is, in any way, open to giving you a last chance,
she/he will usually leave that first session feeling a sense of guarded hopefulness. Both
of you will likely see that, with the counselor’s help, and with both of you committing to
following through with what you’re learning from the counselor, that you really can
make your relationship work.

Starting in the second session, most Relationship Savers will start to give you tools and
strategies to make things better.

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When your partner has told you she/he wants to break up, that first couple
counseling session will either help you to get a “last chance” with your partner, or, if
done incorrectly, can finalize the breakup.

In my experience, that first session with a couple is a very delicate, critical time;
especially following close on the heels of one partner having already told their mate
she/he wants to break up.

As a Relationship Saver, I find that it’s useful to assume that the leaving partner is one
step away from leaving for good. If I’m wrong, no harm done. If I’m right, then I will
proceed with a caution that can help that couple to, perhaps, have a turning point.

How I help couples in crisis to create a “turning point” in my first session with
them.

The following are some of the things I do in a first session with a couple on the verge of a
permanent ending, in order to create a turning point… to begin the process of saving their
relationship.

Keep in mind, this is my approach; it’s not the only approach. I imagine that there are
other relationship-saving therapists out there who have a different approach that works
for them.

I may start off by asking, first, the leaving partner, and then, the other partner, to tell me
their perception of what’s going on in the relationship.

I’m very careful in acknowledging what each is saying, to demonstrate that I’m
understanding them; but I do so in such a way as to not “add fuel to the fire” of their
upset.

I’ll often then ask each of them to tell me what they experienced in their partner, when
they first met, that made them fall in love with them.

I do that to help them to focus on the positive reasons they may have stayed with their
partner.

Taking them through this process often helps them, especially the “leaving” partner, to
reconnect to the love that they feel for their partner.

I then educate them on what skills a couple needs to have in place to thrive together
“long-term.” All of these skills are ones that you will be learning throughout this home
study course.

In my experience, in most cases, despite an insistence that the relationship is over

for them, most leaving partners are willing to come to that first session because they

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secretly hope there really is a way to save the relationship… and they really do want
to be able to justify the act of giving their partner a last chance.

There are some people who come into that first session having already made an absolute
final decision to leave the relationship for good.

If it really is her/his final decision, then nothing will work to help them reconsider and
give the partner being left a last chance.

Most come to realize, in that first session, that with a competent therapist’s help, the
relationship really can get better for them. These people are now willing to give their
partner a last chance, and will typically decide to come back for more sessions to learn
how to make their relationship really work for both of them.

If you are a therapist, minister or rabbi, or you know of professionals who want training
to become a Relationship Saver, I will be training a select group in how to become more
masterful in saving relationships. Feel free to contact me. I can be reached at 310 305-
7488 or wizz@earthlink.net.

Shouldn’t you first ask your partner if she’s/he’s willing to go to relationship

counseling with you, before you go through all the time and effort to find a
marriage/relationship counselor?

NO. If you’ve already researched and found a relationship therapist who meets your
criteria, and you can tell your partner about the time, effort and results of your research,
she/he is more likely to say “YES.”

If you ask your partner to go to counseling with you, and they say “yes,” you need to be
ready to set up that session as soon as possible.

In my experience, when people have said they want to break up, the more time there is
between their show of willingness to go to see a couple counselor and the occurance of
that session, the greater the chance they will change their mind and refuse to go.

As a Relationship Saver, if the caller’s partner has already agreed to go to a relationship

counselor with her/him, I do everything possible to give that couple a first session with
me on the day of the call.

Sometimes, “tomorrow” is too late; because by that time, the “leaving” partner has
changed her/his mind and refuses to do the session.

How do you find relationship counselors or coaches?

Here are some sources to explore: search engines like Google or Yahoo; online Yellow
Pages; ads in your local papers; your local church or temple; and/or the Yellow Pages.

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Why not just go to whomever you’re referred to by a friend, relative or your family
doctor?

You can certainly include those referrals as part of the group of professionals you
interview. Stay conscious and do your homework by interviewing them with the
questions and criteria you’re getting in this section, as well as any other questions and
criteria you have.

Just because someone you know went to a therapist or knows of them, or even got good
results with them, doesn’t necessarily mean that this therapist is the “right one” to save
your relationship.

You have your own unique situation. And, you probably will now have different and
much more refined screening criteria for choosing a relationship therapist than the person
who gave you the referral.

If money is an issue for you, why to not go to a therapist that your insurance will
cover or go to a place that charges on a sliding scale?

In my opinion, insurance companies are in the business of making the most profit, not
getting you the best help.

All the insurance companies I know of require a therapist to cut their fees, often to cut
their fees dramatically, to be allowed to be in the “system.”

Top Relationship Savers are unlikely to be willing to cut their fees to be a preferred
provider or be in the network for an insurance company.

Places that charge for therapy based on a sliding scale, can usually afford to do that
because they have volunteer therapists that are still in school or fresh out of school.
Remember, you need a seasoned, experienced Relationship Saver.

If this is your last chance, you want to go with the best Relationship Saver you can find
regardless of the cost.

If you factor in the emotional cost of an ended relationship, along with the possible costs
of separate households and separate living expenses, the cost of a great Relationship
Saver is a fraction of that.

If you’re married, you can add in the cost of divorce attorneys, spousal and/or child
support.

If money is a problem for you, you’re better off going to a top Relationship Saver less
often, than a cheaper less effective therapist more often.

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You’re much more likely to save your relationship going to the best Relationship Saver
you can find.

I strongly recommend that your top criteria for who you pick NOT be the one that’s
covered through your insurance or the cheapest therapist.

How should you interview relationship counselors, by phone, by email or in person?

Many will initially talk to you for free by phone, but very few will do so in person.

You will probably get enough necessary information to make your decision, if they’re
willing to talk with you by phone.

Do not try to interview them by e-mail. Even if they’re willing to do that, there are too
many nuances relating to important information that you’re more likely get by phone,
which you just can’t get through email.

When you’re interviewing relationship counselors, first pay attention to how you
feel when you talk to them.

Being especially attentive to your feelings when you talk to them is of paramount
importance. If they talk down to you or they make you feel uncomfortable, they are
probably wrong for you. If you feel calmed or reassured when you talk to them, and they
meet your other criteria, that’s a very good sign.

Other qualities to look for when you’re interviewing relationship counselors:

• Do they have a positive attitude?

• Are they optimistic about their ability to help you?
• Are they confident in their abilities to help you save your relationship?
• Are they friendly, encouraging and supportive?

What should you ask them when you interview them? What should you be looking
for in their approach to relationship counseling?

Here’s an example of how to interview potential relationship-saving counselors:

You(Y): Hi, my relationship is in trouble, and I was wondering if you could help me. Do
you have a couple of minutes so I can tell you, briefly, what’s going on and find out how
you would work with us?

Th(therapist): Sure, go ahead.

Y: (Briefly tell them your fundamental problem). (For example): My partner caught me
cheating on her/him, and she’s/he’s said that she’s/he’s fed up and is going to leave me.
Can you help us?

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Th: I hope so. I can see you this Friday at 3pm.

Y: Can I ask you a couple of brief questions?

Th: Sure.

Y; “How long have you been in practice?”

(Usually, nothing takes the place of experience. A therapist who has been in practice for
10 years or longer, specializing in helping romantic relationships, has a level of
understanding based on their experience, that newer, less experienced therapists don’t
have access to. However, you will occasionally run across a newer, very competent
therapist who can really help you out.)

Y: ‘How, specifically, would you work with us?”

(If you ask a relationship counselor, “How do you approach saving a relationship?” and
she/he can’t articulate the process she/he uses to go about doing that, she/he is either
“unconsciously competent” in saving relationships, or not very skilled at it.)

What if the therapist won’t talk with you on the phone and you can only interview
them by paying for an appointment?

I wouldn’t recommend that you “blindly” pay for and see a professional before you’ve
had the opportunity to interview him/her by phone or in person.

What if they won’t answer your questions on the phone and just say, “Oh, sure I
can help you; but you’ll first have to make an appointment”?

If they can’t or won’t answer your questions, you have no basis to make a decision to
take the next step with them. It’s time to call the next professional on your list.

Once you’ve found the right Relationship Saver, it’s time to approach your partner.

What if you now ask your partner to go to relationship counseling with you and
she/he says “No.” How can you get your partner to go to relationship counseling
with you?

You can’t get them to go.

Here are some of the most common reasons partners give regarding why they won’t go to
relationship counseling.

• “I’ve asked you for years to go to relationship counseling and you refused. Now
it’s too late.”

• “You’re the cause of all the problems, so you should go by yourself.”

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• “We tried relationship counseling before and it didn’t work. Why would it be any
different now?”

• “I’ve already decided to leave. There’s no point in going.”

• “I don’t believe in relationship counseling. If we can’t solve our problems

ourselves, then nothing will work.”

Here’s how to respond to those objections and how to increase the chances of getting
your partner to go to relationship counseling with you.

Here is a response that “fits” well with all of the above objections. I offer this to you,
because after advising many clients to try this over the years, many successes have arisen
due to their use of it:

“I’ve spent a lot of time interviewing relationship therapists. I think I’ve found one who
can give us the missing skills we need to get our relationship back on track, and to help
me be more consistently responsive to your wants and needs. Would you be willing to go
to one session with me to check them out?”

Why should you ask your partner to go to only one relationship counseling session
with you, rather than to get a full commitment for couple counseling?

You want to make it as easy as possible for her/him to take a positive step with you by
getting professional help for your relationship. It’s easier to commit to one session than to
commit to ongoing relationship counseling.

If you pick the right counselor, he’ll/she’ll do the job of getting in rapport with your
partner, showing the benefits to your partner, and encouraging your partner to come back
for further relationship counseling.

What if your partner isn’t willing to go to counseling/coaching with you?

It will probably be more efficient if your partner gets the relationship

counseling/coaching with you. If they won’t, definitely go yourself. You have a better
chance of saving your relationship if you go by yourself to get one-on-one coaching to
save your relationship, than to not go at all. If you wait until your partner is willing to go
with you, there may be no relationship left to save.

In my 30+ years as a Relationship Therapist and Relationship Coach, I have helped to

save lots of relationships when only one person got relationship counseling with me.

Isn’t it more effective to go to a professional in person, than to work with them over
the phone?

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That’s what I believed, in the past. Years ago, I was working with a couple who taught
me otherwise. They were moving out of the area and asked to continue working with me.
I told them that I had never worked with clients by phone, because I assumed that it
wouldn’t be as effective as seeing them in person.

I said that I would be happy to teach them how to find someone else to see who was close
to where they now lived. They said, “We went to other marriage counselors before we
found you, and you’ve helped us more than all the rest put together. Since you’ve never
done phone therapy before, we’re asking you to give it a try with us when we move.”

I told them that I was willing to try, but would not continue if I felt it wasn’t as effective
as the work that I was doing with them face-to-face. To my surprise, it was just as
effective! They started referring friends and work associates to me for couple and
individual counseling, who never had and never would see me in person. Again to my
surprise, they were getting the same level of results as those who came to see me in
person.

Currently, I work with most of my clients by phone. Even many of my local clients
choose to work with me by phone, because they’ve found it’s just as effective and they
have a “zero-commute” time.

Therefore, in terms of getting good results, I no longer believe there’s an advantage for
you to work with a therapist in person. If you prefer to, that’s fine. Again, the key criteria
is that you go to a therapist who is highly trained, experienced, specializes in saving
relationships, you feel comfortable with them, and they’ll give you skills and strategies,
as opposed to just sitting and listening or playing the referee.

If you think that your partner would be more comfortable with a male therapist,
should you only interview male therapists?

No. If you find a male therapist who meets all the criteria I’ve laid out to you, great! But
if the only therapist you find who meets all of the criteria is a woman, you’re far better
off going to her. A competent therapist can get rapport with most people, both men and
women.

What can you do if you can’t find the right therapist?

If you can’t find the right counselor, or if you prefer to work with me, you can reach me
at 310 305-7488 or email me at wizz@earthlink.net.

If I’m no longer accepting new clients when you call, I apologize to you, in advance.

How do you get the most out of working with a Relationship Therapist?

Listen to, read or watch the rest of your Save Your Relationship home study course, as
soon as possible.

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A lot of the rest of this training is about your learning not only the skills you need to save
your relationship, but also the right mindset and attitude you need to have to save your
relationship… which, interestingly enough, will also help you to get the most out of
counseling for your relationship.

Additionally, be proactive in preparing for each session. Think about what you most
want help with to improve yourself, those changes that would make the biggest difference
in improving your relationship.

Ask the therapist if you can record the session. A good therapist will teach you far more
than you can accurately remember.

Having the audio recording of your sessions gives you the opportunity to reinforce what
you’re learning and to work with the skills with more precision.

When you play back your sessions, fast-forward past the parts where either you or your
partner are talking about the problems.

The only parts of the session that you want to reinforce are the parts where your therapist
is helping you to see, practice and integrate the solutions.

In my experience, the clients who are the most proactive in planning for their sessions,
and who are the most proactive and consistent in practicing and mastering the skills I
give them, always get the best results, by leaps and bounds!

Why many people wind up breaking up for good after they start relationship
counseling, and how you can minimize the possibility of creating that fate in you
relationship.

A lot of people who get into couple counseling have the illusion that they can stop being
on good behavior and just use the therapist as a “referee.”

Remember, your relationship is still in a very fragile state, and it may not take much to
negate the benefits a good relationship counselor can help you attain.

Use your time in couple therapy to learn new skills, not to vent your upset feelings at
your partner.

In between sessions, you cannot afford to slip back into your old ways of speaking and
acting that caused your partner to want to break up with you in the first place.

Once you’ve been granted a last chance by your partner, one “slip up” on your part can
finalize the breakup.

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Stay conscious. Be diligent and as consistent as possible in doing the skills you’re
learning in this home study course... and diligently follow the directions and continue
practicing the skills your counselor provides you.

Coming Attractions for the next section:

• In the next section you’ll learn: why it is critical that you take good care of
yourself on all levels; why it is not an “option” to do so, if you want to save your
relationship; and you’ll learn step-by-step how to take good care of yourself.
• How to get yourself in a strong emotional state to save your relationship.
• What you can do to stop obsessing and worrying.
• How to create restful sleep and to quickly and easily knock out insomnia.
• Why self punishment, being down on yourself, being mad at yourself will NOT in
any way help you to save your relationship.
• How to break up your negative thinking and why you need to so that you can save
your relationship.
• How to build the self esteem and confidence you need to save your relationship.

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Section 6:

Saving Your Relationship From The Inside Out: Why Taking Care Of Yourself
Is Not An Option If You Want To Save Your Relationship

You didn’t buy this training to improve yourself. I believe you bought it for one
primary reason, to save your relationship. So, you might be wondering: what’s a
chapter on taking care of yourself doing in this training?

Here’s my reasoning. Most people that come to me for help to save their relationship are
emotionally and physically stressed out to the max. They are in the worst state possible to
be able to save their relationship.

I’ve realized the hard way, that if I don’t teach them how to get into a better, more
balanced, more positive state, FIRST, then they are more likely to blow their chances to
save the relationship, even with the skills that I give them.

Again, to maximize the probability of saving your relationship, you need to not only
become familiar with what I’m teaching you, but you also have to learn the skills and
master them. To be able to successfully do that, you need to be in the right state,
emotionally and physically.

All professional athletes understand the importance of being in the right emotional and
physical state. Many spend a good portion of their non-playing time in training to get
themselves in the optimal mental and physical conditioning, so that they can give the best
performance they are capable of.

What you’re going to learn in this section

In this section I’m going to teach you why it’s critical that you take good care of yourself
on all levels; why it’s not an “option” if you want to save your relationship; and you’ll
learn step-by-step how to do it.

To maximize the possibility of successfully mastering and using the strategies

presented in this training to save your relationship, you need to get yourself into a
good place, both emotionally and physically.

For most people who realize and believe their relationship is in crisis, self care is the last
thing they think about!

Many wind up creating insomnia; they obsessively think about the relationship and what
went wrong, and they may even overwhelmed with a feeling of depression.

This is not the time to indulge in worry, confusion, or self pity. This is not the time to
create insomnia, or not eat, or eat even worse than you normally do. This is not the time

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to do substance abuse. This is not the time to cut back on your exercising or stop
altogether.

To save your relationship, you have to go into training.

In the Rocky movies, when Rocky was trying to make a comeback, he didn’t give up and
“let himself go” emotionally and physically.

He knew that would insure defeat. Instead, he got himself into the best physical shape he
was capable of. Additionally, he got himself into a strong mental state.

How to get yourself in a strong emotional state to save your relationship

Problem: obsessive thinking and worrying

Why is it a problem to obsess and worry? First of all, it’s simply not productive. Going
over the same negative and worried thoughts and feelings over and over again just makes
them bigger in your mind, and it makes you feel worse. Also, it’s emotionally draining.

What can you do to stop obsessing and worrying?

There are 3 simple strategies you can do to break that pattern. They are Train of Thought
Writing, Four Count Breathing, and Compartmentalizing Your Thinking.

Train of Thought Writing

You’ve already learned Train of Thought Writing. I covered it in detail in the section
titled: “How To Maximize The Possibility Of Getting A Second/Next LAST Chance
With Your Partner.” If necessary, review it and refresh your memory about the process.

Again, it’s a great tool for you to use to release your fears and worries.

The Four Count Breathing strategy

You’ve already learned the Four Count Breathing strategy, as well. We covered it in
detail in that same section.

By using this tool, you give yourself an instant “emotion vacation” from any upset
feelings, thoughts, fears and/or worries.

Compartmentalize Your Thinking and Feelings Strategy

Here’s another simple way to stop incessant thinking and worrying.

Years ago, there was a television movie called Noble House. It starred the pre-James
Bond, Pierce Brosnan.

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Pierce’s character in Noble House was the head of the most powerful corporation in Hong
Kong. One of the primary themes of the movie was his trying to deal with all of the
corporate raiders that were trying to take over his corporation.

There was a scene in the movie that I will never forget. How accurately I remember this
scene is in question, but the essence of the message from that scene is invaluable.

Pierce’s character was on a date with a woman who represented the most powerful of the
corporate raiders. The two of them were laughing and having a good time. At some point
during the date, she just stopped, looked at him and stared.

She said, “I don’t understand you. You seem like you’re having a good time with me.
How is that possible? You’re on the verge of professional and personal ruin.”

He said in response, “Yes, I’m having a great time with you. In answer to your question,
part of what makes me who I am is that I’m a master at compartmentalizing my thoughts
and feelings. I have an appointment with myself scheduled for tomorrow morning from
6:30 – 7:00 to strategize how I’m going to deal with the attempted takeovers. Until that
appointment time, to me, that problem doesn’t exist. It’s neatly tucked away in a
compartment in my mind, because, I’m a master at compartmentalizing my thoughts and
feelings.”

How you can compartmentalize your thoughts and feelings.

Incessant worry and anxiety are habits that most people get into who are in crisis in their
relationship.

A strong way to break up that pattern and to compartmentalize your upset thoughts and
feelings is to make one worry/anxiety appointment with your self per day, preferably one
that is no longer than 15 minutes in length. Write down the appointment starting and
ending times, just like you might do for appointments you make with others.

What do you do during those appointment times?

The best thing to do is Train of Thought Writing. If you still have time left over during
your appointment, you can review parts of this training and focus on one skill you want
to master to help you get your relationship back on track.

Insomnia

Many people who go through what you’re going through start having problems getting to
sleep or staying asleep. This often happens because they get into the non-useful habit
thinking or worrying when they get in bed.

Why do you need to create restful sleep to save your relationship?

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When a person becomes sleep-deprived, their wellbeing gets quickly out of whack. They
can’t think as clearly. Negative feelings and fears get magnified. To effectively use your
relationship saving skills you need to be in a well rested, clear thinking, positive state of
mind.

How to create restful sleep and to quickly and easily knock out insomnia.

First, determine how much sleep you want to get each night. Let’s say, for example, that
you want to get 8 hours of sleep.

Second, you say the following to yourself: “I’m going to take the next 8 hours as a total
mental vacation from any thoughts, feelings, worries, concerns, or responsibilities. I will
awaken at my desired time refreshed, renewed and re-energized, looking forward to the
day at hand.”

The key words in that statement are (can you guess?)… “mental vacation.”

We’re defining mental vacation as a vacation from thoughts worries, concerns and/or
responsibilities.

3rd step: where to put your mind:

Your mind has to have something else to focus on, or it will cycle back, out of habit, to
thinking and worrying. The four-count breathing strategy is the perfect choice.

Shortcut: As you’re practicing this sleep strategy, don’t worry about how long it
takes you to fall asleep

For most people who have sleep problems, one of the things that keeps them awake is
worrying that they’re not asleep yet. The shortcut is to let go of your attachment to
sleeping.

When you do the steps I just outlined at bedtime, sleep is inevitable. As you’re doing the
four-count breathing, the conscious mind gets bored and starts going blank, which is a
state that’s conducive for falling asleep.

Also, just by doing the four-count breathing, you’re putting your mind into a relaxed
state. So, you’re already receiving one of the major benefits you get from sleeping.

Across a short period of time, as you keep doing these steps precisely, you will find it
usually takes you less and less time to fall asleep.

What should you do if you wake up during the night?

You just do your steps again. Specifically, you say, “I’m still on mental vacation,” and
then you do the four-count breathing until you fall back asleep.

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Other ways to get yourself in the right emotional state to save your relationship.

When a person is in fear of losing their relationship they often feel controlled by their
negative feelings. The good news is that feelings are not entities.

That means that feelings don’t have a life of their own. They are only the end point of an
“out of awareness” internal strategy. In other words, they are the result of what you’re
hearing from others and/or what you’re saying to yourself, combined with what you’re
seeing or what you’re imaging… and your beliefs and perceptions about what you’re
seeing and hearing.

Thus, if you change your self talk and your imaging, you can create more useful thoughts
and feelings.

How do you do that?

The Wellbeing Strategy

There’s a benefit of living in a state of wellbeing or feeling inner peace and committing
to make that your norm, not your exception.

How being in a state of wellbeing helps you to save your relationship.

When a person is in a state of well being, they are more resourceful in how they look at
things; they are happier; and they are more flexible in their thinking and actions. These
are all essential qualities you need to successfully apply your saving your relationship
strategies.

How you can create a feeling of wellbeing.

Wellbeing core strategy:

Get into an environment where you’ll have no distractions and of course when you’re not
driving. If you’re driving, stop listening to, watching or reading this and resume when
you’re not driving.

Close your eyes. Take a couple of slow, silent, deep, relaxing breaths. Allow whatever
you’re sitting on or lying on as you do this to deeply support your body, sinking down
deeply into that which is supporting you. You have no responsibility to hold up your
body. That which is supporting you is doing it for you.

Think of a time, a moment, an experience, from any time in your life during which you felt
really happy, really at peace, or a combination of the two.

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When that really happy time, moment or experience comes to mind, look at the
environment you were in; be aware of the lighting, the colors, the images; make the
lighting brighter. Be aware of the colors and the images in that really wonderful
experience, and make the colors and the images clearer, brighter, sharper, and more
distinct.

Now be aware of the sounds of that really wonderful experience. Recall the sounds that
were close to you and the sounds in the background. In that quiet, peaceful state of mind,
make those sounds even sharper and clearer.

Now, instead of seeing yourself in that really wonderful experience, imagine that you’re
going through it right now, seeing what you see with your “inner eyes” as if you’re there
right now. Again, make the colors and images brighter, sharper and more distinct.

Now, as if you’re right there going through that experience be aware of the sounds that
are close to you and the sounds in the background. Make those sounds sharper, clearer
and more distinct.

Next, start becoming aware of the smells of that experience. Now, be aware of the
textures and the temperature, as well.

Notice where in your body you feel those really good feelings. Begin to intensify those
feelings. At the height of the intensity of those really good feelings, squeeze together
your thumb and your pinky finger on your left hand. That’s now a trigger for you, like a
snapshot in your mind, to bring you back to those good feelings whenever you want to.

Now come up with a word that you want to use to symbolize that really wonderful
memory. It can be anything you want.

Now come up with a color that you want to use to symbolize that really wonderful
memory. Be sure to clarify for yourself what shade of that color you want to use to
symbolize that experience. For example, if it’s blue, is it light blue, sky blue, turquoise
blue, or dark blue?

Whenever you want to bring back those good feelings, you can now squeeze your fingers
together in that way, think or imagine your key word, think or imagine that color, or
recall or relive that wonderful memory… and the good feelings will come back to you.

You now have a number of ways to get back to the good feelings of that memory.

That memory is now your symbol or anchor for well-being.

Again, the goal for you is to live in a state of well-being increasingly more of the time.
The moment you realize that you’re not in a state of well-being, then use one of the above
ways to re-access that state.

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I’m a big believer in back-up plans, so I’m going to give you some additional ways,
right now, to step back into that feeling of well-being.

Make a list of all of the positive memories you can think of in the next 5 minutes. Write
as fast as you can, not stopping for anything. You can always add to that list later.

Then make a list of all of the activities that you can think of in the next 5 minutes, again
writing without stopping. These should be activities that, when you do them or think of
doing them, you have a feeling of happiness or enjoyment or wellbeing.

Then make a list of all of the places that you can think of in the next five minutes. These
ought to be places that, when you go there or think about going there, they bring you
back into a state of wellbeing.

From now on, whenever you realize that you’re not in a state of wellbeing, then start with
remembering or recalling or reliving your great memory that you just walked through.

Nothing works all of the time. If, at times, re-accessing that memory doesn’t work for
you, then use your lists.

Here’s how to work with your lists to get back into a state of wellbeing.

If you’re working with your positive memory lists, for example, start by going down that
list or pick a memory at random from the list.

Start to recall or relive the memory, and the moment you start to get the good feelings
from that memory, move onto another memory from that list; recalling or reliving the
good feelings from that memory. The moment you get the good feelings you… that’s
right, move onto the next memory you choose from the list.

Again, go through the same process. You keep going through memories on that list until
you feel that you’re back in a state of wellbeing.

Why move on so quickly from one memory to another? Why not just stay with one
memory and bask in the good feelings?

All memories, all experiences have both positive and negative elements to them. If a
person stays with a memory long enough, it’s human nature for many people to start
recalling the negative parts of that memory. Doing that will take you out of a state of
wellbeing. Remember, the whole reason for working with your lists is to re-access a state
of wellbeing.

The Inner Game strategy for inner peace

The following is another skill that will help you to access and live from a state of inner
peace or wellbeing.

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First I’ll share with you how I learned this strategy, how it works and then how you can
apply it to be in the right state of mind to save your relationship.

In high school, I played tennis.

After graduating from high school, I stopped playing for several years, and then went
back to it. I took a series of tennis lessons and got increasingly frustrated. At a certain
point in the process of taking all of those tennis lessons (and doing all the practicing I
was doing between lessons), I knew what to do, but I couldn’t get myself to do it
consistently!

Then I picked up a book that had been written years earlier, called The Inner Game of
Tennis by Timothy Galloway. Here’s my memory of that book and what I got out of it.

Timothy had been a top tennis player and went on to become a top tennis coach. He
would see people attempting to play tennis on a court next to where he was giving
lessons. It was obvious to him that they knew close to nothing about how to play tennis.

However, at times, they would make brilliant shots. He noticed, across time, that this was
not an isolated occurrence. He got curious and started researching how that was possible.
From his research, he came up with a process he called “the inner game.” He came to
believe that if a person saw a good player play, even on television, that their unconscious
mind knew the right form. He also knew that what stopped them from doing “the right
form” consistenly was their conscious interference.

He came up with ways to help get the conscious mind out of the way, so that the person
could access their unconscious knowing of that “right form.”

He applied the inner game, first, to his sport tennis. He later applied it to golf, skiing,
music, and to training corporate management.

When I read this book, it was like a missing piece got filled in for me. I was able to track
down his current business phone number, and I called him up. When I reached his office,
I explained that I had just read his book for the first time and was very excited. I said that
I wanted to train with him.

They said, “You can’t. He stopped working with the public years ago, and now he just
works for corporations, training their management. But you’re in luck. There was a
woman that was his head trainer when he worked with the public. Here’s her number.
Call her up and perhaps she’ll train you.”

I immediately called her up, and when I reached her, she was very nice. She consented to
train both me and a friend of my choice in “the inner game.” I said that I wanted to apply
these skills on three levels.

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“I want to use them to improve my tennis game, I want to use them as life principles, so
that I can teach my clients, and I want to use them as life principles that I can apply in my
own life.”

She said we could do all of that. She said, “Since you play tennis, I’ll teach you through
the venue of tennis.”

So we set up a time for the three of us to meet on the tennis courts for the first training.
When we arrived, she said, “I need to start by seeing where each of you are in your actual
tennis game.” My friend, a woman, got on the court first. At that point, she hadn’t played
for years. She was immediately playing really badly. She couldn’t get the ball in the other
court even one time. I was watching this inner game coach very closely. They had told
me at Galloway’s headquarters that she had coached some of the top professional tennis
players in the world. There wasn’t a sign of impatience or frustration on her face as she
continued working with my friend.

After a few minutes, she said to my friend, “When the ball bounces on your side or my
side, you say ‘bounce.’ When the ball hits your racket or my racket, you say ‘hit.’ Okay?”
That was the only instruction she gave her. Nothing about how to hold the racket, or
about how to do the strokes, or footwork or timing. Only, ‘bounce’ and ‘hit.’ After 15
minutes of doing bounce-hit, my friend was getting the ball in the court every time and
her form was looking great! If I hadn’t known how badly she actually was at the
beginning of the training, just fifteen minutes earlier, I would have thought she had been
faking her awful playing. I was fascinated. I couldn’t fathom how this was possible.

Now it was my turn to get on the court with the coach. Since I had talked with her on the
phone, I think she understood what a goal-oriented person I was. She asked, “Fred, what
do you want to accomplish today?” I was ready for that question. I pulled out two pieces
of paper, my copy and her copy, which I handed to her. On each sheet was every stroke
known to exist in tennis. I had bought a book on tennis, so my sheet could be thorough.
As she was reading over the sheet, I said, “I want to get better at all of those.” She
replied, “That’s fine. We can do all of that today.” I thought, “Oh boy, my kind of
coach.”

For every stroke, she taught me bounce-hit.

She then covered serving. She said that “the serve works at a different level than the
strokes. For the serve, you pick the exact point in the service court where you want to
place the ball.” At that point in time, I was just happy if my ball landed in the service
court. She went on. She said again “that you pick the exact point in the service court
where you want to place the ball, and you say to yourself, focus and it’s a piece of cake.”
That was my entire tennis serve training from her.

She went on to say that “when you’re playing competitively, the game is going too fast to
do bounce-hit. So, when the ball hits your opponent’s racket, you say to yourself

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“Chance”… to remind yourself that even the best players in the world can’t get the ball to
go where they want to consistently. It is, in part, a game of chance.”

At the end of that first training, she told me, “Play with these skills, and I’ll look forward
to hearing about your experience at our next training.”

I was trying to be polite, so I said as nicely as I could, “It’s my understanding that you
coach some of the top players in the world. “What do you teach them?” She started
laughing. “I teach them bounce-hit, chance and focus… and it’s a piece of cake! I teach
them the exact same things I’m teaching you. I imagine you think that this is elementary
(which I did). But the results have been profound. Play with the skills. I’ll look forward
to hearing about your experience at the next training.”

At the beginning of the second training she started off by saying “Fred how was your
experience using the inner game skills.” I said “the next day after the training I played
against the guy that I normally play against and I lost worse than I’ve ever lost before to
him!” She just looked at me and didn’t respond. i went on. I said, “the next day, I
competed against him again. In the first sets I lost really badly.” No response on her part.
“In the 2nd sets I won by the same amount.” Still no response. Finally she said, “how was
your inner game.” I had to confess that I had gotten so caught up in my competitive way
of thinking that I had lost sight of consistently using the skills from the first training.

She said, “my challenge to you, from this time forth, not just in your tennis game but in
everything you do in your life is to play two games simultaneously. The goal of your
outer game is to go after the concrete goals you have for that experience. Keep in mind
that there will be elements that will affect your results that are beyond your control. There
will be chance involved. The goal of your inner game is to be at peace within your self
and to be in joy. What ever you’re doing and whomever you’re with its almost always
within your power to be in and maintain your inner peace and joy.”

I can think really fast on my feet. I said, “that sounds great. But, I’m not sure how to
apply bounce-hit, focus and it’s a piece of cake and chance to everyday life.” She said,
“you’re a brilliant therapist. Figure it out.” She wouldn’t tell me.

I’m not going to tell you to figure it out. I’ll tell you what I figured out. There’s a
psychological reality that the time or timing when you have the greatest amount of
personal power or choice to impact both the results of an experience and the quality of an
experience is before your get into that experience. Once you’re in an experience, if you
haven’t done the right kind of planning here’s what tends to happen. Either you react off
of what’s there, so you’re in a reactive state. Or you react habitually,the way you
normally react in that kind of situation. Or you react based on what ever gets triggered
from your unresolved personal history, which everyone has.

When you anticipate and plan for the experience, you’re more resourceful and have more
choices.

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Thus as a result of my learnings from my inner game coach I always do two kinds of
planning before every experience. Because I’m very result oriented I ask my self “what
do I really want from that experience, what are my goals” and I come up with plans and
back up plans to achieve those goals.

For my inner game, I look at how I habitually react in that pattern of experience and I
come up with how I need to change my perception, attitude and approach to win my inner
game and be happy and at peace in that experience.

An example of outer and inner game planning and follow through.

For example, let’s say that my wife and I had a date night scheduled and I was coming
from a meeting that was 20 miles from our home.

My concrete goals for the date night would include having a fun and interesting and
romantic time together. I’d come up with plans and backup plans to accomplish those
goals.

In the past my pattern would have been to try to get as much done as possible before
leaving for our date night. And, not leaving myself enough time to arrive on time, getting
myself really stressed out on the way there being really upset with myself that I was
going to be so late and break my time agreement with her. I’d then arrive late, and be
emotionally exhausted from all the stress I put myself through. I would not be in the right
state of mind to be present and a good companion for our date.

In doing my inner game planning before the fact, I would review that pattern. I would
recommit to maintain my inner peace and joy. I would then leave myself lots of time to
get home early, and then to get myself ready for our date.

I’d be relaxed on the way there, knowing I was going to be early. I’d be in the right state
of mind to have the fun, romantic time we both deserve to have together.

How to break up your negative thinking and why you need to so that you can save
your relationship.

Each thing we say to ourselves about ourselves is like a hypnotic suggestion. And the
things that you repeat the most often are the most powerful of hypnotic suggestions. So,
if you keep repeating, for example, how unhappy and miserable you are, you will make
yourself much more unhappy and miserable.

Most people that are going through a crisis in their relationship have become masters of
negative self hypnosis. Without meaning to you have talked yourself into the wrong
feeling and thinking state to save your relationship.

How to become a master of positive self hypnosis.

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Take a blank piece of paper and divide it down the middle. On the left side of the page
write down what ever you’ve been saying to yourself and what you’ve been saying about
yourself to others that’s either negative or non useful about saving your relationship. On
the right side of the page, for every negative or non-useful statement you write down one
to several positive antidotes.

For example, if you were to say to yourself, I’ve blown it for good, I might as well just
give up now on trying to save my relationship, you would write that on the left side of the
page.

As a more useful statement or antidote to that statement you might write on the right side
of the page: my partner is still talking to me. I am committed to learn how to do my best
to maximize the possibility of saving my relationship.

How to get the most benefit out of your new positive self-talk statements to save
your relationship.

Review the statements on the right side of your page right before you go to sleep at night
and a second time, right when you wake up in the morning.

You’ll find that across time you’ll be able to train yourself to think more positively. You
need to think positively to save your relationship.

Other strategies to take care of yourself

Reaching out to friends and family

When you reach out to family and friends be aware in advance of what you want. Do you
want comfort, reassurance, emotional support and/or sympathy? Or do you want a
distraction from how you’re feeling?

How often have you had the experience of telling a friend or family member your
problems and you wind up feeling even worse?

How did that happen. It’s not that they purposely wanted to make you feel bad. It’s that
they either aren’t very good at being supportive or don’t know what ‘s going to work for
you. You’ll have a much better experience with them if you think it through in advance
and then tell them how you’d like them to support you.

You need to train those you reach out to, how to be your support team.

Some people just want to get things off their chest. For me personally, I can do a better,
faster job of that for myself by doing train of thought writing. What I want from people I
reach out to is a different, more useful perspective on what I’m feeling stuck with. I
might call up a trusted friend and say, “I’m working with _________ problem. I’m at a

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loss of how to resolve it. I would love to get your perspective of what I could do to get
better results.”

Notice how you’re feeling when your friend or family member is then being supportive.
Or is trying to be. If you’re feeling better or getting what you want, its working. If not,
cut your losses. For example, you could interrupt them and say “thanks, that’s all I need
for now.” Or you can change the subject. Don’t make them wrong. Remember, they’re
trying to help.

Don’t call a plumber if you have a tooth ache…

Keep in mind, that if you want advice about your relationship, you’re better off going to a
professional, a relationship expert. You wouldn’t go to a plumber if you had a tooth ache,
you wouldn’t go to a handyman to help relieve your lower back pain. Why in the world,
do you think you’re going to get great advice from your non-expert friend or family
member about saving your relationship????

Talking out your feelings vs. Train of Thought Writing.

Notice when you’re telling friends and/or family members about your feelings if it’s
making you feel better or if it’s reinforcing feeling bad.

In my experience most people that try to talk out upset feelings with friends or family,
may feel a temporary relief when they’re doing it, but afterward they feel the same or
worse. Often without meaning to, they’re reinforcing or indulging in the upset.

In contrast to that, when those same people do Train of Thought Writing, they really are
able to write those thoughts and feelings with the result of releasing them and thus being
in a more resourceful state to have positive thoughts and feelings and to take positive
actions.

Other sources of positive support and/or positive distractions.

• Go to a positive, fun, light movie or rent that kind of DVD or downloadable

movie.
• Read a book that really grabs your attention.
• Get lots of hugs from people that care about you.
• Listen to music that makes you happy. You can get an even better positive
distraction if it’s the kind of music you like singing or dancing to.
• Play with your kids.
• Pet and play with your pets or those that live with friends and family.

Helping others is a great source of self care.

When people are going through a relationship crisis they often become self absorbed with
their worries.

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Helping others is a great way to: take a break from your concerns; put your life in a
positive perspective; and have a great and productive distraction.

In most communities it’s really easy to find groups that need your volunteer help.
They’re usually listed in your local paper or you can find them by calling your local
churches, synagogues or chamber of commerce or the offices of your local elected
representatives.

Part of your foundation for relationship saving wellbeing is caring for your body.

For many people, when their relationship is in crisis the last thing on their mind is taking
care of their body. Many deal with their feelings by over indulging in food, alcohol,
substances, smoking and/or spending.

Or they have a lack of appetite. Or they eat fattening, unhealthy comfort foods.

What else to do and not do for emotional and physical self care:

• Do be well hydrated. Have the goal of drinking 1 gallon of water a day. The
simplest way to create a new ritual is to tie it to an existing habit. Use an alarm
watch. Set it for every hour. When it goes off have a glass of water. Drink healthy
water, filtered or bottled.

• Do conscious deep breathing. Use post it notes to remind you to breathe deeply.
Set the intention that as you exhale, you exhale upset hurt fear anger feelings. Tell
your self, “I feel more and more deeply relaxed with each exhale.”

• Do exercise. Even walking is really good for you. It will bring about a feeling of
wellbeing. If you can’t go outside to exercise because of the weather, go to gym
or get stationary equipment. You can often buy virtually brand new equipment,
often for pennies on the dollar. Many people buy exercise equipment but have no
strategy or plan for using them so they wind up taking up space and gathering
dust.

• Do nourish your body. Set the intention to only put things in your body that are
good for you. Don’t use food to deal with your emotions. Eating the wrong kinds
of food or too much food will not support your physical or emotional wellbeing
and will not make you more attractive to your partner.

• Don’t do substances that make you feel good. Using alcohol or substances to
soften, avoid or numb your feelings is risky business and counterproductive to
doing your best to save your relationship. They can fatally impair your judgment
at a critical moment with your partner. One of the biggest patterns I’ve seen that
causes a person to create a final breakup is when they’ve been drinking alcohol

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or doing a substance and then says or does something that for their partner is the
final deal breaker.

Spiritual self care for saving your relationship.

It’s important that you connect to something bigger and beyond you.

If you’re religious, go to your church or synagogue or mosque or temple. It’s healing, not
only to pray but also to receive the support and fellowship from going to a place of
worship.

If you’re not religious, “ touch the earth.”

• Go for walks especially in places of nature.

• Gardening is another way to touch the earth.
• If it’s bad weather when you’re reading this or you’re not close to places of
nature, connect with nature by listening to sound tracks of places in nature that
you find comforting or that make you happy. For some it’s the sounds of the
ocean. For others, it’s the sounds of a babbling brook or a thunderstorm or a forest
or the desert. Listen to whatever works for you and that speaks to you.

Self punishment, being down on yourself, being mad at yourself will NOT in any
way help you to save your relationship.

Many people that are going through a relationship crisis are really down on themselves.

Whatever you did or didn’t do in your relationship, you can’t undo it. Feeling bad about
yourself just compounds the problem.

There’s lots you can do to save your relationship and to turn things around and through
this training you have full access to that information.

However, you’ll be a lot more effective in using these relationship saving tools if you’re
feeling better about yourself.

Build the self esteem and confidence you need to save your relationship by doing the
After Experience Evaluation Strategy.

A more useful way to think about yourself is to reinforce the positive things about
yourself and to learn from your experience.

A great way to train yourself to do that and to build your self esteem and self confidence
is to use the After Experience Evaluation Strategy. I first learned this when I was
studying NLP.

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Here’s how to do it:

Get a blank notebook or start an After Experience Evaluation Strategy .doc file for
yourself in your computer.

After each experience you have, you first ask yourself the question: “what did I do in that
experience that I can feel good about?” Write down your answers in your notebook or
.doc word file. Be as generous with yourself as you can imagine in answering that
question.

Next write down the answer to the question, “what can I learn from that experience to
help me to improve myself and/or to get even better results next time that I’m in a similar
experience?”

An example of using the After Experience Evaluation Strategy.

For example, after dodging a near fight with your partner you could do the process. In
answer to the question, “what did I do in that experience that I can feel good about?”
your answer might be, “my wife said something to me that really upset me. I was about to
do my old pattern of verbally attacking her. Instead, I told her ‘I need to take a break.’ I
temporarily walked away. I then did Train of Thought Writing to express and let go of
my thoughts and feeling which in the past I would have dumped on her.”

In answer to the question, “what can I learn from that experience to help me to improve
myself and/or to get even better results next time that I’m in a similar experience?” your
answer might be “I came really close to blowing it with her. I want to make sure from
now on that I’m aware of the earliest warning signs of beginning to get upset, which for
me is a sensation of tightness in my stomach and to immediately call for ‘Taking a
Break.’”

Getting in the habit of asking yourself those two questions and answering them after
every experience will both help you to feel better and better about yourself and will also
help you to be on a steady path of personal growth and self improvement.

Also, whenever you’re feeling really down about yourself, reread all those entries you’ve
made in your notebook/.doc file to remind yourself of all the positive things you have
going about yourself.

Again, most people that are in relationship crisis are emotionally and physically stressed
out to the max. They are in worst state possible to be able to save their relationship.

To maximize the probability of saving your relationship, you need to not only become
familiar with what I’m teaching you, you have to learn the skills and master them. To be
able to successfully do that, you need to be in the right state, emotionally and physically.

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Coming Attractions for the next section:

• You’ll learn the single most important communication skill you’ll need to save
your relationship.

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Section 7:

Positive Feedback Loops:

The Single Most Important Communication Skill You Can Learn To Save Your
Relationship

How to make your partner feel that you’re really there for them.

The next level of saving your relationship, after creating a second, next or last chance or a
turning point with your partner, is to deepen the rapport between you and your partner.
What that means is to refine your listening, presence and communication in a way that
your partner feels that you’re really there for them.

The single strongest, most effective technique to accomplish that is a skill that’s called
Positive Feedback Loops.

The origins of Positive Feedback Loops.

You may have been taught this skill in the past. The original skill is called active
listening or reflective listening. It was originally created by a brilliant psychotherapist,
Carl Rodgers.

If you already have been taught this skill, you’re probably doing it wrong.

If you’ve been taught this skill, don’t assume that you already know how to do it
correctly.

Of all the clients that I’ve worked with over the years who have come in having already
learned that skill, it’s been rare to find one who knows how to do it correctly.

I’m going to teach you variations of this skill that will be more effective for both saving
your relationship and for making your relationship really strong and solid again.

What does your partner most want from you when they talk to you and what
happens when they get what they want?

We used to think what somebody most wanted when they communicated was to be
agreed with.

However, what was found through research is that what most people most want when they
communicate is to feel that they're being listened to, acknowledged, and understood.

When done correctly Positive Feedback Loops creates that state.

When a person feels listened to, acknowledged and understood, they tend to want to be
and are more cooperative. They also tend to open up more.

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Effectively doing Positive Feedback Loops with your partner will give them hope
that this relationship CAN work for them.

If a person has talked about breaking up and their partner is now making them feel more
listened to and understood, it gives them hope that their significant other really is there
for them and that this relationship really might be able to work for them.

When a person doesn’t feel listened to and understood by their partner, they tend to
feel more justified in their decision to end the relationship.

When a person doesn't feel listened to, acknowledged and understood, they also tend to
withdraw, attack, and/or defend.

How Positive Feedback Loop communication is done.

Positive Feedback Loops, on the surface, appear to be really simple. I'm going to tell you
what they are, and I'll give you an example of them.

Here are the elements of doing a positive feedback loop communication:

1. You feed back to your partner the feelings they're telling you or implying.

2. Then you feed back to your partner the points they're making.

3. Finally, you check in with them to get confirmation that the way you did the positive
feedback loop actually made them feel heard and understood.

What you leave out of your positive feedback loop communication is as important as
what you say.

A big reason that your partner is going to feel listened to and understood by you when
you respond to their communication with a positive feedback loop is that you’re leaving
out your reactions, comments, and unsolicited advice as you do this.

An example of the positive feedback loop process, step-by-step.

Let’s say, for example, a person said to their partner, “I just got back from the market.
The checkout lines were really long and they only had 2 check stands open. It felt like I
was on line forever!”

Some typical ineffective responses in many relationships might be:

• So what’s for dinner?

• Did you remember to buy the _____ I asked you to get for me?

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• If you had done what I told you and gone earlier you wouldn’t have had to wait
on line so long.
• (sarcastically) What a hard life you have.
• Uh huh.

At best, none of those responses are going to make them feel listened to and understood.

At worst, those responses are going to reinforce negative feelings toward the person that
said them, including the possibility of feeling:
• Disrespected
• Ignored
• Angry
• Frustration
• Disappointment
• Resentment
• Unloved
• Uncared for
• Hostility

Further, those responses are going to reinforce negative thoughts about their partner that
might include:
• I’m taken for granted.
• I might as well be talking to myself,
• Some “thank you” that is for doing the food shop.
• Strangers are nicer to me than my partner is.
• What am I doing staying in an unsupportive, unloving relationship?

The Positive Feedback Loop alternative.

A Positive Feedback Loop communication for the same food shopping example could be:
“It sounds like it was really frustrating (implied feeling) for you because there were lots
of people waiting to checkout and the market only had two clerks ringing people up
(feeding back their point via paraphrasing). Am I hearing you right?” (The listening
partner is asking for confirmation or feedback that their frustrated partner feels heard).

What if you’re worried your partner will think you’re being phony or weird to start
talking to them this way?

Doing positive feedback loops might be very much out of character for you.

You might be worried that they’ll think you’re being weird or strange or that you’re on
something.

As your partner sees your efforts to be supportive of them by your doing Positive
Feedback Loops, they will probably be feeling guardedly optimistic that you really are

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committed to do things differently. Even more, they may even begin to sense and believe
that you really can be there for them in your words, action and attitude.

You may choose to give your partner a reason why you’re acting and talking
differently.

You may say something like, “I really love you. How I’ve been treating you is not okay
with me. I’m committed to treat you in the loving way that you deserve.

I’m learning new skills to treat you better. I may be saying and doing things that are out
of character for me. I’ll be doing them as part of my commitment to myself of
demonstrating the love and support I have for you.”

As you do Positive Feedback Loop communication with your partner, they will most
likely feel more listened to and understood by you, and thus will probably feel better
about staying in the relationship with you.

An example of using the Positive Feedback Loop process in a relationship

counseling session:

At the start of this couple’s second session with me, the husband announced, "Since the
day after we saw you last, she hasn't spoken to me once."

I said, "By the end of our first session together, you two were in a really good place with
each other. What happened?"

The wife blurted out, "The day after our first session with you, we played golf with
another couple, and he embarrassed me in front of that couple… (turning to her partner)
How could you do that to me?"

He replied defensively, “I understand how you feel… I'm sorry, get over it!" That got her
mad. He said, even louder and angrier, "I understand how you feel… I'm sorry, get over
it!" That got her madder still. And it kept intensifying.

The husband’s version of doing Positive Feedback Loop communication.

He had told me that he had learned how to do Positive Feedback Loops at a business
training. I said, "This is a good time to do use them.” He replied “OK.” He then turned to
his wife and said in a louder and angry voice, “I understand how you feel, and I'm
sorry!" That got her really mad.

Obviously, he didn't know how to do it, or he got taught wrong, or something… but, it
was awful.

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I didn’t want to embarrass him, so I interjected, “Can I show you some fine tuning of
how to do a Positive Feedback Loop using the situation she’s presented?” He nodded his
head in agreement.

The correct way to do a Positive Feedback Loop.

I turned to his wife, and said, "It's my understanding that when he said what he said to
you in front of that other couple, that it embarrassed you and hurt your feelings, and it
caused you lose to face… Is that correct?"

She started crying as she replied, "I'm glad somebody finally understands how I feel."

He said, even louder, "I understand how you feel. I'm sorry. Get over it!" And she
started getting mad all over again.

I didn't know what else to do with him. He was a really bright professional. However, he
wasn't getting it.

So, I said to him, "Repeat after me" as I did the same Positive Feedback Loop with her
that I had originally said to her. As he was accurately repeating back both the words I was
saying to her and accurately copying the softer tonality, the slower speed and the lower
volume I was using when I said them, she started opening up to him.

He said, “I think I’m getting it. Both the words I use and the way I say them are equally
important.”

The right way of thinking, speaking and being to get the best results with your

partner when you do Positive Feedback Loops with them:

1. Be present.

This means that you are 100% there with your partner and that you’re giving them your

full attention.

To state the obvious, don’t be multi-tasking when they’re talking to you. That includes

not: watching TV, checking your email, or anything else that might make them feel that

you’re not really there with them.

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2. Have a clear positive intention.

Establish in your mind that you’re committed to demonstrating to your partner that

you’re really hearing them and understanding them.

3. Be patient.

When a person is impatient, it usually makes their partner feel uncomfortable. In being

patient and not in a hurry with them, you’re making them feel that who they are and how

they are is accepted and supported by you.

4. Use Softeners.

Softeners refer to the way you word your communication to your partner and the way you

say it. This is a concept I learned from the NLP trainers, Marilyn and Al Sargent.

Softeners are the opposite of being blunt and harsh. Softeners demonstrate a more tender,

gentle, kind and sensitive way of speaking, being with and acting toward your partner,

both in the words you use and in the way you say them.

Going with the earlier example, the husband came across as blunt, harsh, mean-spirited

and unloving by loudly saying “I understand how you feel, get over it!”

What I modeled to him—that is, the way I did a Positive Feedback Loop with his wife
included using Softeners. I said to her,( doing a Softener by using a kinder, gentler
tonality and a lower volume) "It’s my understanding that when he said what he said to
you in front of that other couple, that it embarrassed you(Softener) and hurt your
feelings(Softener), and it caused you to lose face(Softener)… Is that correct?"

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People naturally and automatically use Softeners in their words, attitude and action when
they’re holding a baby, kitten or puppy.

When you speak to your partner in a quieter or lower volume, slow down your speech,
and use a softer tonality, your partner is more likely to experience you as being kinder,
more sensitive and more caring toward them.

Using Softeners is a deeper, more powerful and effective way of making your partner feel
listened to and understood.

Don’t reinforce your partner’s negative perception of you in the way you do Positive

Feedback Loop communication.

If your partner is saying negative things about you as they’re speaking to you, you’re

likely to reinforce those negative thoughts and feelings if you do a straightforward

Positive Feedback Loop with them.

Let’s say, for example, that your partner says to you, “You’re so self-centered. You only

think about yourself!”

If you were to feed that back in the more direct way that I’ve just taught you, you might

say, “It sounds like you’re really frustrated with me (reflecting back the feelings) and that

you think I’m really self-absorbed and that I only focus on my wants and needs, not yours

(reflecting back their perception). Am I hearing you right?” (asking for confirmation or

feedback that they feel heard by you).

That would be an accurate way of doing a Positive Feedback Loop. However, it’s also

reinforcing their negative perception and feelings about you.

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Whenever your partner says something negative about you what’s useful to do instead is

the Constructive Alternative Version of a Positive Feedback Loop.

The Constructive Alternative Version of Positive Feedback Loop communication.

In other words, rather than reflecting back to them the negatives they’re saying to you

about you, instead, reflect back to them the positive alternative you think they really

want.

An example of the Constructive Alternative Version of a Positive Feedback Loop:

Let’s continue to work with the same example. Again, imagine that your partner says to

you, “You’re so self-centered. You only think about yourself!”

Here’s a positive alternative way of reflecting back that statement: “It sounds like you’d

feel a lot better about me if you saw me more consistently showing you that I was aware

of your wants and needs and that I was also more positively to them. Is that correct?”

What should you do when your partner says something that you totally disagree

with?

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You still do your Positive Feedback Loops. Remember that the goal of Positive Feedback

Loops is to make them feel listened to and understood.

You’re neither saying nor implying that you agree with them when you do a Positive

Feedback Loop. All you’re doing is acknowledging their feelings and perceptions without

reacting or commenting on them.

When do you get to give your response?

There's a natural flow to cooperative communication. Your partner expresses their

feelings and their thoughts, and using your Positive Feedback Loop communication

skills, you reflect them back.

And then, because they're feeling listened to, they'll tend to say more… and you reflect

that back. Then, because they're feeling listened to, they tend to say even more… and

again, you reflect that back.

Usually, by the second or third or fourth go-around… because they're feeling listened

to… they will have said what they need to and want to say. You’ll know they are done

because they’re not adding anything else. And that's the first time that you give your

response. But now, because they're feeling listened to, they're much more likely to be

open to what you have to say.

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Pitfalls I’ve seen people fall into when they learn Postive Feedback Loop

communication, and how to avoid them:

Pitfall: Trying to short-cut the Positive Feedback Loop process by simply saying, “I

understand how you feel.”

In my experience, a lot of people who learn this process and don’t practice it, wind up

simply saying, “I understand how you feel.”

They think they’re doing Positive Feedback Loop communication by saying this.

THEY’RE NOT!

Saying “I understand how you feel” should be banned from your communication!

Think about all the times in your life when someone said that they understood how you

felt and you were convinced that they didn’t.

Virtually all of us, including your partner, have had that same experience… and most

people have a negative reaction to the phrase: “I understand how you feel.”

Don’t “say” you understand, SHOW that you understand. How? By doing Positive

Feedback Loops.

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Pitfall: Waiting to practice this skill when you’re in a potentially volatile situation

with your partner.

A lot of people, when they learn this skill, decide that they’re going to save it until they

think they really need it.

If they haven’t already practiced and mastered doing Positive Feedback Loops, and first

try to use them in an intense situation, under pressure, they’re likely to go back to their

old defensive, ineffective ways of communicating.

Pitfall: Giving a response, reaction and/or unsolicited advice in place of doing a

Positive Feedback Loop.

Some people, when they learn this skill, will give their partner a response, reaction and/or

unsolicited advice, and think they’re doing a Positive

Feedback Loop. Once again, they’re not.

Let’s draw from the earlier scenario of the food shop, where your partner says to you, “I

just got back from the market. The checkout lines were really long and they only had 2

check stands open! It felt like I was on line forever!”

Here are some possible responses that, although they are a response to what the partner is

saying, still are not Positive Feedback Loops:

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• Well, you’re home now, so you don’t have to fight those crowds anymore today.
(sympathy)
• I’m sorry you had to wait on line so long. (sympathy)
• Maybe next time you can go before people get off work to beat the long lines.
(unsolicited advice)
• It gets me really mad when I have to stand on a long line and I see market
employees in other parts of the store doing nothing, rather than opening up
another checkout stand. (reaction)

The responses above are examples of either giving unsolicited advice or reactions to what

the other person is saying.

They may be well-meaning, but they are not Positive Feedback Loops, and more

importantly, they are not going to make the other person feel listened to and understood.

In fact, they may even make then feel mad or frustrated with the person saying them

because:

1. People usually don’t want or like or welcome advice they’re not asking for.
2. People usually don’t like hearing someone else’s reactions to a situation before
they feel their own feelings and points are being heard and understood and
acknowledged.
3. Being given a sympathetic response doesn’t necessarily tend to make a person
feel acknowledged or listened to.

Pitfall: Rushing the communication:

I’ve seen a lot of people try to rush the process of using Positive Feedback Loops.

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They may indeed reflect back their partner’s feelings and thoughts. But, they’ll include in

the same sentence their own negative reaction, comments or unsolicited advice. When

they add on their response, they tend to negate any positive benefits they would have

created in doing the Positive Feedback Loop.

My Confession: In my own romantic relationship, I don't like doing Positive

Feedback Loops.

I’m, by nature, a bottom-line, direct, blunt person. I’m also an advice-giving problem-
solver.

The only reason that I do Positive Feedback Loops is that they work!

Being bottom-line, direct and blunt usually: a) hurts the other person's feelings; b) blows
rapport with them; and/or c) gets them mad at me.

Giving a person advice when they aren’t asking for it and usually not wanting it doesn’t
tend to make them feel good about me.

On the other hand, doing Positive Feedback Loops with them opens up the
communication, as well as creates more closeness and more cooperation.

I use positive feedback loops a lot, both in my marriage and in my communication with
most other people in both a business and social context. I do this because, even though
doing Positive Feedback Loops don’t feel natural to me, they work really well in making
the people in my life, especially my wife, feel listened to and understood by me.

Positive Feedback Loop communication doesn’t have to feel natural to you to make
it work.

Truly, this doesn't have to be part of your nature to do it. It's really foreign to most of us.
Nobody that I know was raised to communicate by doing Positive Feedback Loops.

The “good news” is that Positive Feedback Loops work. And since my true nature…
bottom-line, direct and blunt… doesn't work, I’m grateful to have an effective skill that
does!

You can either communicate in the ways you always have, which more than likely
contributed to your partner’s decision to break up with you, OR… do Positive
Feedback Loop communication to help save your relationship. You choose.

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Again, make getting the results you want more important than 1) getting things off of
your chest, 2) making yourself “right” (and the other person wrong), or 3)
communicating in a reactive or habitual way because it feels “natural” to you.

Once you start practicing and doing Positive Feedback Loops with your partner,
you’ll find that it’s really easy to do.

Positive Feedback Loops are simple to do. Even people who have a hard time with them
at first tend to master them relatively quickly. It’s like learning to ride a bicycle—once
you get it, it’s a no-brainer.

Practice Positive Feedback Loops in situations where it's no big deal if you do it
wrong.

With any new skill you learn - whether from me or any other source - practice those skills
in situations where you have no attachment—where it's no big deal if you do it wrong.

Positive feedback Loops works in most kinds of situations. It works in business; it works
in parenting; it works in friendship; it works with relatives—everywhere. So, practice
whenever you have contact with people.

As you do Positive Feedback Loops with different people, in different situations, you'll
tend to notice that they’re more cooperative with you.

The more that you do Positive Feedback Loops, the more they’ll becomes a part of you—
and the more successful you’ll be in using them with your partner.

Congratulations—you’ve just learned one of the most important skills you’ll need to save

your relationship!

Coming Attractions for the next section:

• You’ll learn how to make your partner feel more consistently appreciated,
respected and cherished by you and thus more willing to give you a last chance.

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Section 8:

ESC: Emotional Support Communication

There are four aspects of ESC, Emotional Support Communication. When done
correctly, they’ll go a long way toward making your partner feel more consistently
appreciated, respected and cherished by you and more willing to give you a last chance.

The first aspect is what not to do toward your partner.

The second is having and demonstrating a consistently positive, friendly attitude with and
toward your partner.

The third is positive acknowledgement of your partner.

The fourth is giving your partner physical affection.

I used to think that if someone had a negative reaction to me that it was their
problem.

In my younger, more arrogant days, I was honest, direct and blunt. If the other person
reacted with hurt or anger at what I said or how I said it, I just shrugged it off as their
problem. And, that happened a lot.

I didn’t know about Softeners back then (that I showed you how to do in the last section)
and I probably wouldn’t have been motivated to use them even if I knew how to.

You DO have responsibility for how you make your partner feel.

My current belief is that an effective communicator creates the response they intend.

In my early years as a psychotherapist, I started studying a form of “change work” called

Neuro Linguistic Programming, or NLP, for short. One of the great concepts I learned
from NLP was the definition of a good communicator is one who creates the response in
the other person they intend to create.

In other words, if you don’t get back the emotional response you intended to get from
your communication, then you need to change either what you’re saying or how you’re
saying it.

Anything that you say to your partner that makes them feel bad about themselves or
bad about you, is OFF TRACK especially when it comes to saving your relationship.

This is a situation where positive intention DOESN’T count.

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Even if you don’t mean to hurt your partner’s feelings, or you’re just kidding, or you’re
trying to help your partner out by giving them advice they’re no asking for… if you think
that your partner won’t have a positive reaction to what you have to say or the way you
say it, just don’t say it.

What if your partner has a negative reaction to you that you’re not expecting?

If you’re caught by surprise and your partner has a negative reaction to your
communication--when you thought they’d have a positive response--then change your
communication.

Don’t try to convince your partner that they’re wrong in their reaction. And don’t defend
your communication. Just change it.

Don’t “tear” your partner down.

When I was in graduate school, I had a professor who trained first-time elementary
school teachers. She always gave each group of first-time teachers the same exercise to
do with their students.

She instructed the teachers to create little, paper stick-figures, and at the beginning of the
school day, to pin one to the shirt or blouse of each of their students with the following
instruction: “If, during the day, anyone says or does anything that makes you feel bad or
makes you feel bad about yourself, rip off a little part of that figure.”

At the end of the school day, the teachers were to inspect the paper figures. The results
were usually the same. The figures were in shreds. There was virtually nothing left of
them.

I recommend that at the beginning of each day, that you imagine that your partner is
wearing a paper stick figure. I further recommend that you set the intention to neither say
nor do anything during the day or evening that would cause your partner to feel a need to
rip off parts of their paper person.

Don’t give unsolicited “constructive” destructive criticism or advice.

Most people, often with the best of intentions, give their partner unsolicited
“constructive” criticism or advice. And, of course, when you do that, constructive
criticism usually becomes destructive. When you tell somebody what they're doing
wrong, it tends to make them feel bad. Their response is often to attack, defend or
withdraw.

Assume that if your partner wants your advice, help or opinion, they’ll ask you for
it.

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Your partner is fully capable of asking for your input… if they want it. It’s a useful
assumption to make: if they don’t ask for your input, it’s because they probably don’t
want it.

Giving your partner unsolicited advice will not instill in them a desire to stay in the
relationship with you.

Putting yourself in the role of the judge, parent, teacher, coach or critic of your partner
will tend to reinforce their negative feelings about you, and will certainly not instill a
desire in your partner to stay in the relationship with you.

If your partner does ask for your input, stay conscious of their response to your
communication. If they are not responding in a positive way, then stop.

One negative comment can have more impact on your partner than 100 positive
comments!

Imagine that you’re eating at an outdoor cafe and that you’re really thirsty. You’re about
to take a drink of water, when a bird flying overhead poops in your water glass! Well,
that little poop might be like a little tiny fraction of the volume of that glass, but you're
going to throw out the glass of water, right? Who wants to drink it at that point? The
whole thing is polluted. And that's what negativity does. Do you see the point?

Having a Positive Friendly Attitude(PFA) goes a long way to rebuilding your

partner’s trust in you.

Your attitude and how you convey it will make a big difference in whether or not your
partner feels emotionally supported by you.

Again when a person says they can trust their partner, it’s another way of saying that they
feel they can count on them.

They can count on them to tell the truth, to be faithful, and to be supportive.

Having a PFA, a positive friendly attitude, is a way of making your partner feel that
you’re supportive of them, not just in your actions, but in your attitude.

Part of what it takes to save your relationship is to make your partner feel they can
again count on you to be positive and friendly in your attitude toward them,
especially when they ask for your help.

When a person feels they’ll get a negative attitude when they ask for help or support, it
makes it harder and harder for them to ask.

Over time, it can cause them to emotionally withdraw from the relationship, which is for
some, part of the path that leads them to choose to leave the relationship.

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When you have a consistently Positive Friendly Attitude toward your partner, combined
with making and keeping your agreements with them, you start to rebuild their trust that
you are and will be there for them.

How you respond to your partner’s requests of you will go a long way in determining
how they feel about you, and whether or not they feel that they are in a loving supportive
relationship with you.

It helps them to get reconnected to the good feelings they had that made them fall in love
with you and want to be with you in the first place.

Doing the right action while having and demonstrating the wrong attitude adds up
to your partner not feeling good about you or about being in a relationship with you.

Most people have the unexamined belief that, if they do the right thing, then their words
and attitude don’t really matter.

In reality, if you have other than a PFA, Positive Friendly Attitude toward your partner
about anything they say to you or ask of you, it’s likely that you’re going to negate any
positive benefits and good feelings you might have created by your good intentions, good
words and/or good actions.

Examples of what’s NOT a, Positive Friendly Attitude (PFA) in the words you use:

• Alright, I’ll do it if you can’t get anyone else to help you.

• I’m busy now; I’ll do it later.
• What’s the big deal? Can’t you do it yourself?
• Yeah, you’re welcome. But next time, give me more notice.
• I don’t really want to, but I’ll do it anyway.
• I put in a really long day at work. Can’t I do it tomorrow?
• Yeah, whatever, let’s just get it over with.

Examples of what’s NOT a PFA, Positive Friendly Attitude, in your non-verbal

communication:

• Giving them your “look.”

• Having the tonality that implies that you’re not happy about what they’re asking
or saying… or telling them that it’s an imposition on you.

Actually, to state the obvious, any attitude that you convey that’s not clearly positive and
friendly will work against your goals for the relationship, including conveying that you’re
one or a combination of the following:
• bored
• displeased
• reluctant

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• disappointed
• put out
• frustrated
• angry
• impatient
• hostile
• resentful
• unhappy
• disgusted

Does having a Positive Friendly Attitude mean that you have to agree with your
partner when you don’t, or that you have to do what they want you to do, when they
want you to do it, the way they want you to do it, and how they want you to do it?

No, not at all.

In the next sections on relationship negotiation skills, I’ll give you in-depth training in
how to negotiate agreements that work for both you and your partner.

However, whether you say “yes” to what your partner is asking of you, or you use those
skills to work out a mutually satisfying agreement, you need to always have a Positive
Friendly Attitude in your communication with your partner… if you want to save and
rebuild your relationship.

In the next sections of this training, I’ll even teach you how to say NO with a Positive
Friendly Attitude.

Examples of demonstrating a PFA when your partner has asked something of you:

• Sure, I’d be happy to do that for you.

• It would be my pleasure to do that for you.
• I’m glad to help you.
• How can I help you with that?
• Whatever you need, I’m glad to give you.
• Thanks for asking me; I’m happy to help out.
• I’d be happy to! I’m right in the middle of something and I’d be glad to do it as
soon as I finish, which will be ten minutes at most. Will that work for you?

Hearing positive words and statements feels better than hearing ones that are
neutral, sarcastic, reluctant or negative.

Let’s say, for example, that your partner asks you to do something for them and you’re
willing to do it. All of the following responses convey that you’re willing to do it:
• Alright, already, I’ll do it.
• I don’t mind helping you with that.

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• I don’t really want to, but I’ll do it anyway.

• Yeah, whatever, let’s just get it over with.
• I’d be happy to do that for you.

Of those choices, the one that your partner is going to have the best feelings about is…?

I suggest that from now on, when you talk to your partner, you try to speak to them
primarily in positive words and make positive statements.

What if having a Positive Friendly Attitude doesn’t sound like you?

If the “old” you wasn’t positive and friendly toward your partner, they are probably much
more likely to want to be with the new you.

You may also want to refer back to the last section on Positive Feedback Loops where I
described to you how to explain to your partner why you’re talking and acting in a new
way.

Catch your partner… doing things right!

One way of thinking about giving your partner positive reinforcement is the phrase
coined in the management book, The One-Minute Manager by Ken Blanchard and
Spencer Johnson. It's the notion of “catching people doing things right.”

In other words, anytime you genuinely say anything positive to your partner… about
what they're saying, how they're saying it… what they're doing… how they're treating
you… how they're treating somebody else… These are all examples of how you can
catch them doing things right.

Your partner is more than how they look.

A lot of people, when they learn this skill, only use it to compliment their partner on their
looks. Your partner wants to be acknowledged for who they are and what they do, as
well… not just for how they look.

When you tell your partner all the positive things you experience and observe about
them, they’ll feel really good. They’ll feel acknowledged. They’ll feel cared for. They’ll
feel like they're being seen for the special person they are and the positive efforts they’re
making.

Also, the more that you elaborate using this positive communication style, the stronger
the benefits.

Examples of “catching your partner doing things right” and how to improve them:

An ok way:

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“That was nice.”

(This is too brief of an acknowledgment).
vs.
A better way:
“I really like the way that you talked to the gardener about how happy it made you when
you saw the new flowers he planted for you. Your compliment probably made his day.”
(You’re acknowledging your partner’s kindness and how they positively affect others).

The incorrect way:

“That dinner was okay. You didn’t burn it this time.” (This is understated, a “put down,”
and an ineffective attempt at being funny).
vs.
The correct way:
“That was a delicious meal! Thank you for all the time and effort you put into making it.”
(You’re being more expressive, and you’re acknowledging the thought and work your
partner put into making the meal).

A brief way:
“That outfit looks good.”(This is positive, but really not enough).
vs.
A more effective way:
“That outfit looks really good on you! It really brings out your blue eyes. And it’s great
the way you coordinated your dress, your shoes and your earrings.”(You’ve elaborated on
why it looks nice).

Also, you can never say too many genuine positives to your partner.

What role do you want to have in your partner’s life?

Years ago, before I was a therapist, I volunteered at a daycare center. While I worked
there, I got to observe different staff members with different children.

There was one “helper”… and I once heard her talking with a little girl. She said, "I'm
really mad at you… you're really screwing things up…" And she actually said that to this
little kid.

She went on. “You know, we just received these brand new toys for the school, and
you’ve already broken one of them! We got brand new pastel paints, and you’ve already
mixed them together, and they're all a murky brown! You're really messing up… and I'm
mad at you! Now, I'm going to teach you how to ride a bicycle and it’s going to be really
hard to learn… If you complain even once, I'm going to yank you off that bike, and that
will be it for the day!"

Well, it wasn't surprising that as long as I was at that daycare center, that little girl never
learned how to ride a bicycle.

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I got to observe a different staff person with a different child; and this second child--if the
whole staff voted--would have voted him the most obnoxious child in the school. This
kid got in trouble all the time. So, it was fascinating to listen to this helper talking to him,
and hearing very different communication going on.

This other daycare worker said, "There are so many things you're so good at… You make
wonderful mud pies… When you draw, you use a wonderful combination of
colors…There was a new little girl who came to school, and she was really frightened
and scared. You were very nice and kind to her. You showed her where the bathrooms
were, and how to check out equipment…” After she paused for a moment, she added,
"There are so many things that you’re good at… Now, I'm going to teach you how to ride
a bicycle… and you're going to do as good at that as all those other things you're already
so good at…" And that child learned how to ride a bicycle so quickly.

You have a choice of what kind of helper/support person you want to be with your
partner. That second staff person was a master at doing this sort of Emotional Support
Communication… to catch the child doing things right… to validate them and
acknowledge them, and reinforce their specialness.

How to see and reinforce the best in your partner.

I had an amazing experience when I was a brand new therapist. First of all, brand new
therapists--and I was one of them--tend to be know-it-alls.

There was this very famous teacher who I'd wanted to learn from, who was in another
part of the country. He came out to where I lived to give a workshop, and I immediately
signed up.

During the first hour of this workshop, he had us all sit in this huge circle, and had each
person share why we were there and what we wanted to get from the workshop. This was
a very large group. It took a really long time to get all the way through this group with
this exercise. I thought it was really boring and a waste of time. This was low-level work,
I thought.

As each person spoke, I could have, with my training as a new therapist, about each
person. I could have told you how each person was really screwed up… what was really
wrong with them. I was very good about understanding that about people… and making
those quick impressions… those judgments.

And then he gave us the next assignment, which was one of those experiences that
changed my life. He said, "Look at each person one at a time… remember what you
heard them say… and find something so special in that person that you could truly
benefit from spending time with them."

I looked at each person again, one at a time, and remembered what I heard them say…
and I was really able to find something very special I could see in each person… where I

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knew I could benefit from spending time with them. Now, this shift of attention had made
that exercise a major turning point in my life and my perception… The essence of it was
that, as a traditionally-trained therapist, I was trained to focus on what was wrong with
people. And, if you see somebody as broken, or that there's something wrong with
them… or they're flawed… then it's hard to help them beyond that… because that's the
generalized image you have of them.

The message I got from that brilliant teacher’s exercise was to see myself and others in
our highest light… at our best… at our greatest potential.

Practicing and mastering these Emotional Support Communication skills both helps your
partner to feel more valued by you, and helps you to see their specialness… and to
acknowledge that to yourself, as well as to them.

Talk to your partner as if they are the person you most love in the world.

I believe, that across time, many people give strangers far better treatment than they give
their partner.

Live your life out loud when it comes to communicating the positives that you feel, think,
see and experience about your partner.
Catch them doing things right.

Keep remembering that you're in a love relationship… and communicate and act as if you
are.

Physical affection: are you romantic partners or are you roommates?

The last aspect of emotional support communication is non-verbal. It’s recapturing the
physical affection in your relationship.

A common complaint that I get from first-time clients who are thinking of ending their
relationship is that they’re receiving so little affection, that they feel like they’ve become
more like roommates than romantic partners.

Another frequent complaint that I get from people who are considering ending their
relationship is that their partner only initiates physical contact with them when they want
to have sex with them. They often go on to say that makes them feel unloved and used.

What if you don’t see or experience yourself as an affectionate person?

I have rarely run across a person who wasn’t, in reality, affectionate. Some are only
affectionate with their children when they are little. Most are affectionate with pets, theirs
and/or those of others, especially with cats and dogs. If you can be affectionate toward a
child or a pet, you can certainly get back to being affectionate with your partner.

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Look for and create opportunities for physical contact with your partner.

When you were first together, you probably effortlessly took advantage of the
opportunities to have physical contact with your partner. Think back to what you did.
If you were never an affectionate couple, even from the beginning, here’s what you’d be
likely to see if you had a chance to accompany a couple newly in love:

In public:
• They’d be holding hands a lot and/or have their arms around each other as they
walked.
• They would be holding hands in the movies.
• They might sit next to each other in a restaurant, rather than across from each
other, just to be physically closer to each other.
• They’d be driving holding hands.

In private;
• They’d be sitting next to each other on the couch when they were watching
movies or television together.
• They’d be hugging as they pass by each other.
• They’d have extended hugs and kissing whenever one of them was arriving or
leaving.

How to reintroduce affection or more affection into your relationship one step at a
time… (and each time do it only with your partner’s permission).

Remember, a person who has initiated a breakup is in a very self-protective place. For
many, part of that self-protection includes being shut off to their partner, in terms of
physical contact.

Always ask your partner’s permission before you initiate any physical affection beyond
what you currently have in the relationship.

For example, you might ask, “Would it be okay if I held your hand?”

If you have gotten to the point where there is no affection with your partner, start with
hand-holding. For many people in a self protective place with their partner, it’s the form
of physical contact they are most comfortable starting with.

How not to hold your partner’s hand:

It might seem strange to be reading a section on correct hand-holding. In reality, it can be

really irritating and off-putting to be with a bad” hand-holder.

• Don’t do nervous hand-rubbing.

• Don’t squeeze so tightly that it hurts them.

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• Don’t keep changing the position you hold their hand in during one hand-holding
“session.”

How to hold hands:

Have a lightly firm touch. Keep your hand still. Yes, it’s that simple.

The art of hugging.

A good hug, one that feels good to your partner, will make them feel closer and more
connected to you.

A hug that doesn’t feel good to them, will further push them away.

Most people are not good huggers, because no one taught them how to do it.

What NOT to do when you hug:

• Don’t be a patter. It’s one step away from burping your partner, like they’re a
baby.
• Don’t hug with your butt up in the air.
• Don’t be a “speed hugger,” making it so brief that your partner feels like you’re
afraid if you hug any longer, that you’ll catch something from them… or that
you’re in a hurry to get onto your next and more important activity.
• Don’t be a “bear” hugger, hugging so hard that you might cause them physical
pain. For most, they associate receiving that kind of hug with pain, not pleasure.
• Don’t think, act or imply that the hug is a prelude to sex.

Here's what makes a great relationship hugger:

• You gently hug your partner.

• Relax into the hug. A way to do that is to consciously take deep, slow, silent
breaths as you hug your partner. Even better is to synchronize your inhales and
exhales with your partner’s. It will make you feel more connected to each other.
• Don’t be the one to initiate ending the hug. When your partner is ready to end the
hug, they will. They may at first end the hug very quickly, especially if you’ve
accidentally trained them (over time) to expect brief, impersonal hugs from you.
You’ll notice that as time goes by, they will tend to linger longer in the hugs
before they end them.
• Heart to heart: if your partner's head is to the left of yours, you'll be hugging heart
to heart. I don't know why, but besides the symbolism, it feels better.
• Do full body hugs. You gently press your whole body against theirs including
your pelvis. I said press, not rub or gyrate.

Kissing on the lips

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For most, an extended kiss on the lips is a very intimate experience.

For a partner who’s in or just coming out of self-protection, they might be more
comfortable with you initiating intimate, “on the mouth” kissing later in the process of
recapturing the physical intimacy in your relationship.

Sex?

In most relationships that are in crisis, sex is one of the first things to go and one of the
last things to come back into the relationship.

Many couples that are on the verge of a breakup have very infrequent sex, sometimes not
making love for weeks or months at a time.

If that fits your relationship, take your time. Instead, choose to have lots of days of more
consistent physical affection, which you initiate with your partner.

When you feel they are open to making love with you, ask them “Would you like to make
love?” If they say they’re not ready, don’t be offended. It’s not a statement about their
feelings toward you or a rejection of you.

Rather, it’s their way of telling you that they are still in that self-protective, semi-shut-off
state, and that they need more time.

You might also say to them something like,

“I’m feeling closer to you. I’d like to get back to making love with you more frequently.
Whenever you want to make love, please feel free to let me know.”

Let some days go by, as you continue initiating non-sexual affection, like hand-holding
and hugging, before you ask them again if they’d like to make love.

You will create what you focus on.

As you put your focus on mastering the skills of having a Positive Friendly Attitude,
“catching your partner doing things right” and getting back to being emotionally and
physically affectionate, you will come much closer to saving your relationship and to
creating the loving, supportive relationship that you and your partner can now have
together.

Coming Attractions for the next section:

• Why it’s almost always realistically possible to negotiate agreements with your
partner that you both feel good about.
• Why making sacrifices and compromises for your partner works against them,
you, and the relationship.

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• Why you and your partner have covered the same issues, frustrations and
problems, over and over and over again, and yet some never seem to get them
resolved and how to turn that around.
• Why it’s NOT reasonable to expect your partner to cooperatively work things out
with you right after you’ve told them what’s wrong with them.
• Why you can express your feelings and upsets, or you can successfully negotiate
for what you want… but you can’t do both at the same time.
• Why it’s important to stop making your case of why you’re right and you’re
partner is wrong if you’re committed to saving your relationship. Why you
bringing up your hurts and resentment works against saving your relationship.
• Winning by waiting: timing is everything.
• If your partner is being negative toward you, why it’s critical that don’t get
defensive or go on the attack.

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Section 9:

MSA: Mutually Satisfying Agreements: How To Negotiate Agreements With Your

Partner That You Both Feel Really Good About Part 1

In this section, we’re going to look at the beliefs, assumptions and attitudes that have kept
people from being successful in working out their problems and disagreements… and
therefore, from getting what they want out of their relationship.

It's almost always realistically possible to negotiate agreements with your partner
that you both feel good about.

As you master the skills you’re about to learn, you’ll find that it's almost always
realistically possible to negotiate agreements you both feel good about. And that’s good,
because relationships thrive, in part, based on lots of successful negotiations and re-
negotiations.

There’s a psychological reality that can best be expressed as follows: a person has the
greatest level of choice to create the results they want to create before they go into an
experience. The corollary that naturally follows from this is: You create your results
before you start the negotiation process with your partner.

In most situations, particularly negotiations, the beliefs, assumptions and attitudes you
bring “with you” will have a big impact on your ability to create the results you want to
create.

Non-useful vs. useful beliefs and assumptions about working out agreements with
your partner.

Making sacrifices for your partner is part of how you demonstrate your love.

Most of us were raised to believe that when you love someone, you should make
sacrifices for them. That’s a noble idea.

Making sacrifices for your partner works against them, you, and the relationship.

Across time here’s what tends to happen when a person makes sacrifices for their partner:
they tend to hold their partner accountable for debts and to agreements they never made,
and these become a source of built-up hurt and resentment.

In contrast to that, as you master the art of negotiating MSAs, Mutually Satisfying
Agreements, when you come to an agreement with your partner, it’s a done deal. There
are no residuals or resentment.

Making compromises for your partner is a necessary component of a successful

relationship…WRONG!

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Most people use the word compromise as a synonym for sacrifice. Thus, when they
make “compromises” for their partner, they have the same residual resentment. It doesn’t
work.

The alternative to making sacrifices and compromises in your relationship is

negotiating Mutually Satisfying Agreements.

In other words, negotiating until you find a set of agreements that you both feel good
about, so that you both feel like you're winning.

The belief that holds, “If you really love me, you would know what I want without
me having to ask for it”…. is a guarantee for an unhappy relationship.

Another non useful belief many have about relationship is that if their partner really loved
them, they would know what they wanted and give it to them without having to
communicate their wants and needs to their partner.

I call it the “relationship by mind-reading myth.”

Many people feel unloved, upset and resentful, because their partner didn’t give them
what they didn’t ask for.

In many relationships, there are times that a person is so in synch with their partner or
knows them so well, that they are somewhat accurate in guessing what their partner
wants, without the partner verbalizing those wants.

However, inevitably, what happens is that if a person keeps their wants and needs to
themselves, they wind up feeling unloved, upset and resentful, in part, because their
partner didn’t give them what they didn’t ask for.

Take responsibility for clarifying and verbalizing what you want.

Throughout a relationship, all of us have lots of wants and needs that come up, which we
want our partner to be positively responsive to.

A useful assumption to make is that if you don’t ask for what you want, its probable that
you won’t get it from your partner.

It’s your job to clarify what you want and to be able to communicate and negotiate for it
in a way that your partner will be happy to give it to you.

Set your partner up to succeed in your relationship.

Your partner may need your assistance in clarifying and communicating their wants and
needs to you. In the next section, I’ll show you how to help them with that.

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Act as if your partner is going to be as supportive and helpful as you are.

Make it safe for them to share their thoughts and feelings and to ask you for what they
want by being consistent in doing Positive Feedback Loops, using lots of Softeners and
having a consistently Positive Friendly Attitude.

You’ll also find your partner will be more cooperative in giving you what you want if
you’re consistently willing to help your partner to clarify and get what they want.

How is it possible that you and your partner have covered the same issues,
frustrations and problems, over and over and over again, and yet some never seem
to get resolved?

The following are types of “wrong” thinking, attitudes, and behaviors I see individuals
and couples bring in when they’re first coming to get my help to save their relationship.
Each of these have contributed to their inability to create positive agreements in their
relationship.

If you do any of the following when you’re trying to work things out with your partner,
your attempts are virtually guaranteed to fail.

If you pay attention and are honest with yourself, you may find that some of the
following describe what you’ve done when you’ve been unsuccessful in trying to work
out problems with your partner:

• Show impatience.
• Display a defensive attitude or tone.
• Try to talk them into or sell them on what you want.
• Try to address or bring up more than one issue in a negotiation.
• Be negatively reactive.
• Yell and scream.
• Ignore them.
• Try to make them feel guilty.
• Blame them.
• Bring up past resentments as part of your negotiation.
• Show skepticism.
• Be sarcastic.
• Be fatalistic.
• Be critical.
• Talk “down” to your partner.

It’s NOT reasonable to expect your partner to cooperatively work things out with
you right after you’ve told them what’s wrong with them.

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A common scenario in relationship counseling is the following: a person will tell me in

detail what’s wrong with their partner, and then turn to their partner and ask them to be
more loving and supportive. They then get really hurt and upset when their partner
responds in a hostile way.

You can express your feelings and upsets, or you can successfully negotiate for what
you want… but you can’t do both at the same time.

If your goal is to create a Mutually Satisfying Agreement with your partner, do not
preface your negotiation by telling them what’s wrong with them or by telling them how
upset or frustrated you are with them. That will never inspire or motivate them to be in
the cooperative state of mind that’s required to successfully negotiate a Mutually
Satisfying Agreement.

Make getting what you want more important than being right.

This means, don’t let yourself get sidetracked or distracted. Don’t get embroiled in
power struggles or with “who said or did what” arguments from days long gone. Or
who’s right and who’s wrong. Don’t try to wear your partner down by making your point
over and over again. If you stick to the issue at hand, don’t provoke and don’t get
provoked, you’re much more likely to negotiate a Mutually Satisfying Agreement.

Don’t bring up your hurts and resentments.

When you’re trying to work out Mutually Satisfying Agreements with your partner, it’s
useful to approach an issue as if it exists by itself in the present moment. Don’t use this
as a time to bring up your hurts and resentments. It will only put them on the defensive.
Bring only what you need to discuss come to a MSA for the one issue. No baggage—and
no carry-ons either.

Winning by waiting: timing is everything.

As a reminder from Section 2, there’s only one timing that works to talk things out and to
successfully negotiate Mutually Satisfying Agreements with your partner. That’s when
both of you are in a calm and positive place within yourselves and toward each other.

Check in with yourself before you bring an issue up with your partner that you want to
come to a positive agreement about. If you’re not in a positive state, don’t proceed.
Instead, take a break and do “Train of Thought Writing.” This exercise will help you to
get out those negative thoughts and feelings, and fulfill your intention of releasing them.

When you KNOW that you’re in a positive state and you see that your partner is, too,
then bring up the issue to be positively resolved.

If your partner is being negative toward you, don’t give into it.

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If you react to negativity that your partner is directing at you by giving them negativity
back, you’re just intensifying the negativity between the two of you, and making it more
difficult to successfully negotiate a Mutually Satisfying Agreement.

In contrast to that, respond to your partner’s negativity by either doing Positive Feedback
Loops or Taking a Break. If you don’t react to their negativity with negativity of your
own, it can’t turn into a fight.

You’ll be doing the proactive behavior that will lead to the cooperative state you need to
have between the two of you to successfully negotiate a Mutually Satisfying Agreement.

Useful attitudes, beliefs, and approaches to have when applying your new
relationship-saving negotiation skills:

• Show patience, instead of impatience.

• Do positive feedback loops, instead of being defensive or negatively reactive.
• Be positive, instead of being negative.
• Cooperatively explore a set of agreements that will work for both of you, instead
of trying to talk them into or sell them on what you want.
• Stay with one issue at a time, until you have created a Mutually Satisfying
Agreement, instead of trying to resolve more than one issue in a negotiation.
• Take a break when you’re beginning to feel upset, instead of yelling, screaming or
saying something hurtful that you can’t take back.
• Be present and responsive, instead of ignoring your partner.
• Be cooperative, instead of guilting them.
• Identify what you really want and negotiate for it, instead of blaming your partner
for you not having what you want.
• Only focus on the issue at hand, instead of putting your partner on the defensive
by bringing up past resentments as part of your negotiation.
• Be supportive and respectful, instead of being sarcastic or critical or talking down
to your partner.
• Hold the attitude that you can create a Mutually Satisfying Agreement with your
partner, instead of being skeptical and fatalistic and assuming that you can’t get
what you want.

Useful assumption/mindset needed by you to negotiate a Mutually Satisfying

Agreement:

There are always a set of possibilities that you can find that will make any negotiation a
Mutually Satisfying Agreement.

Why would you want to be positive and have a Positive Friendly Attitude with your
partner, especially if you’re unhappy with them?

A discussion that starts negatively usually ends up in a fight.

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A negotiation that starts positively and stays positive can end positively, and often very
quickly, with both of you coming out of it with a Mutually Satisfying Agreement.

The magic of negotiating with your partner in a cooperative environment comes

about…

…by you being consistent in doing the skills you’ve learned in this training: your Positive
Feedback Loops, using Softeners, being patient, having a Positive Friendly Attitude. In
this way, you are inspiring a positive attitude in your partner, and they are much more
likely to be cooperative and to stay cooperative in your negotiations with them.

In my experience, when a person feels cooperative, they are very accommodating and
reasonable… and, in general, more positively responsive in a negotiation. They will tend
to more happily agree to terms in a negotiation that will support a Mutually Satisfying
Agreement. This is in direct contrast to the result you’d most likely get (i.e., NO
agreement) if they were feeling uncooperative, hostile, angry or resentful toward you as
their partner.

Use Neutral Information Gathering to get a clear picture of what your partner
specifically wants.

Neutral Information Gathering is a way to get a clear picture of what the other person
wants. You do it by asking neutral questions with a neutral tone of voice.
The focus is on neutral so that you can get accurate information from your partner. Most
people often don’t get clear information from their partner because they bias the answers
by the words they use and the way they say them.

What is NOT Neutral Information Gathering?

Here are some typical examples of what people ask their partner to gather information:
• What’s wrong?
• What did I do now?
• What are you so upset about?
• Now what’s your problem?

Why it’s important for you to gather information in a neutral way.

What all of the examples above have in common is that they will compel your partner to
focus on the negative.

For example, when you ask your partner “what’s wrong,” they are compelled to look for
something that’s wrong, probably about you, even if that’s not what was on their mind.

When a person is focused on the negative, they are less likely to be willing to be
cooperative in coming up with a Mutually Satisfying Agreement.

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In contrast, if you ask, in a neutral tonality, “What’s going on?” or “What are you
thinking about?”, you’re not going to bias their answer. You’re more likely to get more
accurate information with those kind of questions.

Use the “options” version of Neutral Information Gathering when your partner
doesn’t know what they want.

You can’t be responsive to what you don’t know about.

Sometimes, your partner may not be willing, right away, to say what they really want.
Sometimes they may not even know. When that happens, one choice is to give them some
options to help them to clarify what they want.

For example, your partner says, “I want us to go out for dinner tonight, but I don’t really
know where I want to eat.”

If you’re using the “options” version of Neutral Information Gathering, you might
respond with the following:

“How about if I throw out some possibilities, and we can see if anything stands out for
you?”

If your partner isn’t really open to exploring, then they might say, “No, I just want to get
out of the house. Whatever you pick is okay, as long as it’s not a fast food place.”

Or, if they’re willing to exploring some possibilities, they might respond by saying, “That
could be helpful, I mean, if we look at some possibilities.”

You could throw out some settings. “Do you think you might prefer quick, or quiet and
romantic?”

You could throw out some kinds of food. “Are you more in the mood for Mexican, Thai,
Chinese, Italian or Indian?”

When a person doesn’t know what they want, and they want to figure it out, if you give
them “mix and match” possibilities or multiple choices, it can assist them in clarifying
what they want.

Remember, the goal isn’t to quiz them; it’s to draw them out. Ask, then pause, and let
them answer. Don’t pressure your partner to answer quickly. Be patient. Have a Positive
Friendly Attitude.

An example of using Positive Feedback Loops and Neutral Information Gathering

to set the stage for creating a Mutually Satisfying Agreement.

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I was seeing the following couple for their second relationship saving session.The wife
started it off by saying, “This marriage isn’t working for me. I know I said that I’d give
him a last chance, but I’m strongly considering filing for divorce.”

The husband looked shocked. This was obviously news to him.

I reflected back to her by saying, “It sounds like there are some changes that you want in
the relationship, to be able to feel good about moving forward together. Is that
right?”(Constructive Alternative version of “Positive Feedback Loops”)

She replied, "There sure are. He never wants to do anything with me! He never asks me
out! We haven't had a date since our child was born! I mean, I feel that, when our child
was born, that in my husband’s mind, I stopped being his wife and am now only a mother
to our child. I'm really unhappy! I'm so unhappy that I don't even see a reason to continue
staying in this marriage."

I responded by saying, “What I’m hearing from you is that you want to get back to
having fun times together with just the two of you. Is that right?” (another Constructive
Alternative version of “Positive Feedback Loops”)

She blurted out, "Yes it is! Other couples I know have date nights! Why can’t we?”

She went on to say, “just the other day I told him that I wanted to start having date nights
and he did nothing about it. That just proves to me that he doesn’t want to spend any time
with me.”

I then asked her, “How often would you like to have date nights?”(I switched over to
doing Neutral Information Gathering and continued it with her until I had a clear,
specific picture of what she wanted. )

“Once a week,” she said.

“When would you like to have

them?” I inquired. (more Neutral Information Gathering’)

She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “Saturday nights.”

I continued questioning her. “How soon would you like to start having date nights?”
(Neutral Information Gathering)

She said, “I’d like us to start right away. I want to start having date nights starting this
Saturday night!”

I then asked her, “Who do you want to plan the first date?” (Neutral Information
Gathering)

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“I want him to, but I want us to go out to eat and to go to the movies and I want him to
take responsibility to make sure that we have a babysitter.”

“Do you have a strong preference about what movie you see? (Neutral Information
Gathering)

“No, I’d like us to pick out a movie together.” At this point, she was beginning to smile
as she looked over toward her partner.

I went a little further with my questions. “Do you have a strong preference about where
you go to dinner?”

She replied, “No, I’d like him to come up with some choices and then we can decide
together.”

“Would you like to go out to dinner before you go to the movies or afterwards?”

She said, “I’d like us to go dinner afterwards. In the past, when we went to the movies
after dinner, he’d get sleepy and fall asleep in the movie! This was really frustrating for
me, because it made me feel like I was there by myself. In fact, I’d like him to have a cup
of coffee right before we go to the movie, so that he stays awake to keep me company.”

I turned to her husband and said the following: “Your wife would like to date nights with
you every Saturday, starting this Saturday. Would you be willing to do that with her?” He
said, “I would be happy to.”

I continued. “She’d like you to plan the first date. Would you be willing to do that.?”
He said, “definitely.”

I said, “she’d like to go to the movies first and go out to dinner after the movies. Would
that work for you?” He said, “it sure would.”

“She would like you to pick out the restaurant and she’d like the two of you to pick out
the movie together. Is that OK with you? He said, “sure.”

“Lastly, she’s requesting that you drink a cup of coffee, right before you go to the movie,
to help insure that you stay awake for the movie. Are you willing to do that?” He replied,
“I sure am. I hate it when I fall asleep in a movie. Not only do I miss part of the movie.
But , more importantly, I know that it feels insulting to her. Drinking a cup of coffee right
before the movie always works for me to stay awake for the whole movie. “

Analyzing the steps I took her through.

What I took this woman through are the same steps you’d do with your partner to take
them from any of the following: a threat, complaint, a statement of upset, a demand or

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request… to get things to the point where you could explore creating a Mutually
Satisfying Agreement.

Most of us focus on what’s wrong, not on what we really want instead.

If you’ll recall, the wife started off the session by saying, “This relationship isn’t working
for me. I know I said that I’d give him a last chance, but I’m strongly considering filing
for divorce.”

Positive feedback loops to the rescue.

I reflected back to her using the positive alternative version of a positive feedback loop
by saying, “It sounds like there’s some things that you want in the relationship to be able
to feel good about moving forward together. Is that right?”

When she said, “He never wants to do anything with me! He never asks me out! We
haven't had a date since our child was born…”, I continued doing the Constructive
Alternative version of Positive Feedback Loops with her by saying, “What I’m hearing
from you is that you want to get back to having fun times together with just the two of
you. Is that right?”

Using the “Constructive Alternative version of Positive Feedback Loops also assisted her
in moving from the focus of what she didn’t want, to focusing on the positive things that
she did want with her husband.

Checking it out with her husband.

I reiterated to the husband, each of the things his wife wanted as part of date nights.
Because he seemed to be genuinely comfortable with agreeing to all of her terms, we
were done. They had a Mutually Satisfying Agreement.

Mutually Satisfying Agreements can only be created if you first have a spirit of
cooperation between two people.

As you might remember, one of the benefits of doing Positive Feedback Loops is that
they make the other person feel listened to and understood; thus, PFLs cause them to feel
more positive and cooperative toward you.

Negotiate Mutually Satisfying Agreements… LAST.

Successfully negotiating Mutually Satisfying Agreements incorporate many of the

communication skills that you have learned thus far in this home study course, including:
Taking Breaks; Train Of Thought Writing; Positive Feedback Loops; Using Softeners;
Neutral Information Gathering; Being Patient; having a Positive Friendly Attitude;
consistently using positive language.

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To be consistent in successfully negotiating Mutually Satisfying Agreements with your

partner, you need to have mastered those skills, FIRST.

Coming Attractions for the next section: :

• Why making agreements that you can’t and/or don’t keep can put your
relationship in greater jeopardy.
• How to successfully respond to requests or negotiations that your partner has
initiated.
• Why you should usually buy yourself some time when your partner asks
something of you instead of giving an immediate response that you’re likely to
regret later.
• How to think through an issue before you give your response to your partner.
• Why making, tracking and precisely keeping your agreements with your partner is
critical to rebuilding your partner’s trust in you and how to do it.
• How to successfully solve disagreements to your mutual satisfaction in under 2
minutes when you and your partner have differing memories about the contents of
a previous agreement.
• How to create a Mutually Satisfying Agreement with your partner when you both
want something very different from the other.

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Section10:

MSA: Mutually Satisfying Agreements Pt 2 : How To Respond To Requests Or

Negotiations That Your Partner Has Initiated

Reason Why Communication

An important communication skill to have at your disposal in your communications and

negotiations with your partner is Reason Why Communication. This is a concept I first
came across years ago when I read the book “Influence” by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D.

My interpretation and use of the skill is this. If you give your partner a reason why you
are giving the response you are giving to them, they are much more likely to feel that
you’re responding to them in a cooperative and thoughtful way.

In a moment, I’ll give you some examples of Reason Why Communication and how to
use it as part of your process in creating Mutually Satisfying Agreements with your
partner.

When is it time to give your response to your partner’s request of you?

Once you’ve created a cooperative environment with your partner by doing Positive
Feedback Loops, and then getting a clear picture of what they want by doing Neutral
Information Gathering it’s time to give your response to what they want… or not.

Give your response LATER, rather than sooner.

Most young children go through a phase where they say “NO” to practically everything.
During this phase, it’s often their first, automatic response.

Many adults have the opposite problem. They automatically say “yes” to what’s being
asked of them.

After they’ve made a commitment, they often start to think it through and realize that it’s
not going to work for them. They’re now in a situation where they’re either going to have
to make sacrifices to keep their agreement or not fully keep it thereby letting their partner
down and often causing mistrust.

Most people often feel “put on the spot” when something is being asked of them. They
don’t necessarily have the ability to really think it through right in the moment it’s being
brought up to them.

When your partner asks something of you, buy yourself some time.

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It’s a lot more doable for a person to think through a request from another person,
especially from their partner, if they’re not in the presence of that person.

So when your partner asks something of you, get in the habit of not giving an immediate
response that you might regret later. Say you need to “Take a Break to think it through.”

Should you Take a Break every time your partner asks something of you?

Of course not! Some requests that are being made of you will just not be a big deal for
you to agree to and do.

For example, if your partner were to ask, “While you’re up, would you mind bringing me
a big glass of water with ice in it?”, you wouldn’t say, “I need to take a break, and think
about it.” That would be ridiculous. Instead you might say, with a Positive Friendly
Attitude,” “I’d be happy to. I’ll be right back with it.”

Why should you Take a Break when you know that you want to say “yes”?

There’s no need to Take a Break if your partner asks something of you that you know,
beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you’re happy to do for them or with them.

When is it useful to Take a Break to think through an issue before giving your
response?

If one or more of the following elements are present, it would be useful to Take a Break
and think through your response to your partner’s request before you give your response:

• You’re not sure if the commitment that’s being asked of you by your partner
could conflict with commitments that you’ve already made to others, or to
yourself.
• You don’t want to do exactly what they’re asking of you, but you don’t
immediately know what to negotiate for instead.
• You don’t want to do what they’re asking of you and you don’t immediately
know how to say it in a way that will keep rapport with them.
• You’re in the middle of something else and not wanting to switch gears.
• You’re not in a positive emotional state, and thus not likely to respond in a
positive way to your partner.
• You’re tired or hungry, neither of which are states conducive to communicate or
negotiate from.

How to communicate that you need to Take a Break when your partner makes a
request of you.

Here are the elements to include when you’re letting your partner know that you need
some time to reflect before you give your response to their request (followed by an
example):

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1. Positively give a neutral, non-committal response to what’s being asked of you.

2. Use “reason why” communication to help them feel okay with not getting an
immediate response to their request.
3. Give them a specific time of when you will give them a response.
4. Demonstrate a Positive Friendly Attitude.

Let’s go with our earlier “date night” example from the last section. For the sake of this
illustration, let’s assume that the husband had already learned and mastered his
relationship saving skills and that he was the one that had conducted the negotiation
instead of myself. After he did “Positive Feedback Loops” and Neutral Information
Gathering with his wife, if he wanted to buy himself some time to think about what she
was wanting from him and with him, before he gave his response, here’s what he could
have said.

“I’m really open to the idea of us having Saturday date nights.” (positive, neutral and
non-committal)

“I have the feeling that there’s some other commitment I’ve made that might interfere
with starting this Saturday night. So, I need to check my schedule, which is at work, to
make sure I’m free, before I commit to you.” (Reason Why Communication)

“I can check it as soon as I get into the office tomorrow morning and then immediately
call you to let you know.” (commitment of a specific time to give his answer to her
request)

“Or, if it’s important to you to know sooner, I’m happy to drive over to the office tonight
to check my schedule.” (Positive Friendly Attitude)

“What would you prefer?”

His wife would probably say, “Tomorrow morning is fine. There’s no need to make
another trip to the office tonight.”

The benefits of this kind of approach is that your partner is likely to feel that their
request was truly heard, understood and respected by you.

How to think through an issue on your break before you give your response.

These are the elements to consider about any given issue that you feel needs reflecting
upon:

• What do you really want?

• If you have conflicting wants, which one is the highest priority?
• Is there another way to get your partner the BENEFITS that they want and still
get what you want?

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The following is an example of applying those elements:

My stranded wife

Early in my relationship with my wife, she called me at the office and said, “I lost my car
keys. I’m the last one here at work. This isn’t a safe area, especially at night. I’d like you
to come right away and bring me the back up set of keys, so I can get out of here.”

I said, “I’m happy to help you. (Positive Friendly Attitude) Let me think this through,
and I’ll call you back in a couple of minutes with a plan.” (buying myself some time)

Her response was, “I’m scared. I don’t want to be here alone. Don’t think, don’t plan, just
drop what you’re doing and get me out of here!”

I said, “I hear that you’re really scared and that you want to get out of there as soon as
possible, is that right? (Positive Feedback Loop)

She calmed down a bit when I said that and said in a more relaxed voice, “Yes it is. I
want to get out of here as soon as possible.”

I said, “I’ll call you back in a couple of minutes with a way to do that.” I then got off the
phone.

I had to get off the phone. While I was talking to her, all I could do, internally, was react
to her emotion. My wife rarely gets upset or demanding, so it really threw me off. I
literally couldn’t think while I was on the phone with her.

What I really wanted was to drop everything and rescue her. It was the height of rush
hour, though, and it would have taken at least an hour and a half to get to her, once I’d
left.

It was 15 minutes to the hour. I had all new, in person clients who were coming for my
help that evening, all of whom were couples in crisis.
I had a couple who were due at my office in 15 minutes and two more couples scheduled
after that. I would have had to cancel all three appointments and break my word with
them. I hated to not keep my word, but my wife came first.

My emotional reaction to her panic was wearing off and I started to think more clearly.

I doubted that her safety was in jeopardy in a locked office complex. However, what
mattered more was that she felt unsafe, and she was asking for my emotional support and
physical help.

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I came up with a plan and called her back to share it with her. It took about 5 minutes
from the time I got off the phone with her to think it out, come up with a plan, and call
her back.

I told her, “I’ve got a way to get you to safety right away and on your way home. Call a
cab to take you home as soon as we get off the phone.”

Her response was, “No, I want you to come. I don’t ask much of you (which was and is
true), but I’m asking you to drop what you’re doing, and pick me up now and take me
home.”

I replied, “I’m happy to do that. If I leave right now, with rush hour traffic, the quickest I
can probably be there is an hour and a half. If you call a cab right away, they’ll probably
be there in 5-15 minutes and you’ll be on your way home.”

She said, “No, that’s going to cost way too much! That’s a long way and I’ve never spent
that much money on a cab in my life!”

“You’re worth it!” I exclaimed. “What matters is that, right now, you feel unsafe. I can
get you in an hour and a half and the cab can get you in a safe environment and on your
way home in 5-15 minutes. Let’s get you feeling safe as soon as possible.”

She got it, and came back with, “Thanks, sweetie! You’re right. Thanks for being there
for me. I love you.”

I answered, “I’m happy to be there for you. And, I appreciate all the times and all the
ways you’re there for me. I love you, too.”

Delving more deeply into the preceding “My stranded wife” story.

What I really wanted was to help my wife out.

I had conflicting wants, because I also wanted to help the new clients who were coming
for my help that evening, all of whom were couples in crisis.

When I was able to think rationally, it was clear that what my wife most wanted wasn’t
the action she was asking of me, i.e., to drop everything and pick her up.

What she most wanted was to get to a safe environment, and then get home as soon as
possible.

The cab solution became the basis for a Mutually Satisfying Agreement, because it most
fully met her wants and needs and allowed me to keep my word to help those three
couples in crisis.

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How to respond to a request from your partner if you’re happy to do everything

that’s being asked of you:

Again, going back to the date night example from the last section, let’s look at the
scenario if the husband was happy to do what was being asked of him. First, let’s draw
from the information that I neutrally gathered from the wife. If the husband was happy to
do everything she was asking for, and if he had already been taught the same relationship
saving skills you’ve learned thus far, he might have responded in the following way.

“I’m happy to do what you want. It would be great to have date nights and to have fun
times together with just the two of us.”(Positive Friendly Attitude)

“Saturdays are fine.” (Positive Friendly Attitude)

“I’ll be happy to take charge of planning the date night for this Saturday.” (Positive
Friendly Attitude).

“I’ll line up a babysitter tonight when I get home from work, and then I’ll let you know
who I’ve lined up. Then, I’ll present some ideas to you about where to have our date
night dinner, so we can pick out the restaurant where we want to eat.”

“Since the movie scheduling sometimes changes on Fridays, I’ll initiate the routine of
one of us looking at the “Calendar” section of the newspaper on Friday, so that we can
finalize which movie to go to.” (“reason why” communication)

“I’ll then make reservations for the restaurant of our mutual choice at my lunch break,
and then leave you a message that the reservations are in place.”

“I’m making a note, right now, in my planner for Friday, to jog my memory to do those
date planning activities on Friday. As you know, I always check my planner, first thing
every morning, to remind myself of what I need to do that day.”

“Your idea of going to the movies before dinner makes sense. I’ll make sure to have a
cup of coffee right before we go in to the movies to insure staying awake.” (Positive
Friendly Attitude)

Why be so specific and give your partner so much information of what you’re going
to do, when you’re doing it, and that you’ve done it?

When a person has initiated a breakup, they usually feel that trust has been violated lots
of times, often by their partner not keeping their word.

As part of their self-protective state, they are looking for you to “screw up” to validate
not trusting you.

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For instance, with the date night example, if the husband were to be non-specific and say,
“I’ll make the dinner reservations,” but not tell his wife when he’ll make them or why
he’s picked the timing of making them on Friday for a Saturday night date, and, if he
were to not let her know how he’s going to track and follow through on that commitment,
then she is likely to begin thinking the following:

“It’s Tuesday and I bet he hasn’t made the dinner reservations yet for Saturday. I bet he’s
going to let me down again, and we’re going to have to wind up waiting in line for an
hour… It’s Wednesday, and I bet he hasn’t made the dinner reservations yet. That makes
me really mad…”

In contrast to that, by his relaying to her, “I’ll make the dinner reservations on Friday, at
my lunch break,” she knows that he’s committed to follow through in making those
reservations at a specific time. Further, he’s let her know that he’s made a note in his
planner that he’ll see Friday morning, to remind him of all of those date planning
activities he’s committed to do on Friday. So, she’s less likely to work herself up over
that on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

By letting her know when he’s kept a specific agreement, he’ll put her at ease, because
she now knows he’s followed through with his time agreement.

For example, he could convey to her: “Just to let you know, I called our list of babysitters
during my lunch hour today. I lined up Robin to baby-sit for this Saturday. She said that
her Saturday day and evening are totally flexible, and that she can watch the kids for our
date on Saturday. She added that if I give her the final times of our movie and dinner
reservations by Friday night, that would be plenty of notice for her.”

Making, tracking and precisely keeping your agreements with your partner, helps
to rebuild your partner’s trust in you.

One of the keys to saving your relationship is to rebuild your partner’s trust in you. When
you let your partner know: what you’re doing; when you’re doing it; that you have a
system for tracking your agreements; that you’re following through with your
commitments in a timely way; and then you let them know that you’ve followed through,
it reinforces in their mind that they can count on you to keep your word. Thus, it helps
them to justify to themselves, why it’s appropriate to start trusting you again.

When you and your partner have differing memories about the contents of a
previous agreement, here’s how to solve that disagreement to your mutual
satisfaction in 2 minutes!

It’s important that you write down ALL of your agreements with your partner right when
you make them, when they are fresh in your mind. Then show immediately show the
written agreement to your partner to make sure that you have the same understanding of
all elements of that agreement.

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One of the biggest sources of fights that I see with couples is when they each remember a
past agreement differently. If you write down your agreements when you make them and
put those write ups where you can easily find them it becomes a no-brainer. You simply
pull out the written agreement and go over it together. Disagreement solved in under 2
minutes.

Making agreements that you can’t and/or don’t keep can put your relationship in
greater jeopardy.

A common mistake that I see people make when they negotiate with their partner is
making agreements that they can’t actually keep.

They often have the best of intentions when they make those agreements. They often say
what they think their partner wants to hear, because they want to please their partner.
Sometimes they speak before they think. Other times, they don’t really think through
whether or not it’s actually possible to keep the agreement that they’re making, or
whether that agreement even works for them, as well as for their partner.

Whatever the reason is for over committing, the results are usually the same. You’ve
diminished your partner’s trust in you.

Over committing and then not keeping your agreement with your partner is very
risky, especially when you’re trying to save your relationship.

Even if you had the best of intentions when you made the agreement, if you don’t
precisely keep that agreement, you run the risk of reinforcing your partner’s belief that
they can’t count on you to keep your word and thus, that they can’t trust you. You can’t
afford to create that reaction in your partner, especially when you’re trying to save your
relationship.

The one exception to this is when you renegotiate an agreement the moment that you
realize that you can’t keep it. I’ll teach you how to do that, a little further on.

However, the best course of action is to think through an agreement before you make it,
to make sure that you can keep it.

The safest course of action is to under commit and over deliver.

You’re a hero if you keep your agreements ahead of schedule, and you’re the “bad
guy,” even if you keep the agreement, but you go past your agreed upon deadline.

If you commit to a deadline that gives you plenty of breathing room to accommodate
unforeseen developments, and if you come in ahead of schedule, you’re a hero. But if you
commit to a deadline that’s barely possible to make, and you make gigantic efforts to
meet the deadline, but you come in late, now you’re “the bad guy.”

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It’s better to under commit and over deliver, than it is to over commit and under
deliver.

If you under commit and keep your agreements ahead of schedule or do more than you
committed to, your partner will know, at the very least, that you’ve kept your agreement
with them. At best, they’ll have an even better feeling about you because they’ll see the
level of your commitment to them and to keeping your word, and then some.

If you over commit, and then, even with the best of intentions and best of efforts, you
don’t keep your agreements with them or get them done beyond the deadline you agreed
to, your partner’s attention will probably NOT be on what you got done, but on the fact
that you didn’t keep your word with them.

When it comes to keeping your time commitments, give yourself way more time than you
think you need to meet them.

Let’s go with the earlier example we used, when the husband said, “I’ll line up a
babysitter tonight when I get home from work, and then I’ll let you know who I’ve lined
up.”

If he had the best of intentions to call babysitters as soon as he got to work and had
committed that to his wife, if things came up at work that he didn’t expect and thus he
couldn’t keep that time agreement, he would now be breaking his word with his wife.

On the other hand, by saying he would line up the babysitter after he got home from
work, even if he had planned to call babysitters when he first got to work, he now has
some “wiggle room.”

If he is able to call the babysitters when he first gets into work, he can now tell his wife
that he’s over delivered on his commitment, or, in other words, come in ahead of
schedule.

If, on the other hand, he had the best of intentions to call the babysitters when he first
arrived at work, but things came up that prevented that, he still would have the option to
keep his agreement by calling them later in the day at work or when he got home from
work.

Does your partner really track the agreements you make with them that closely?

In my experience, YES. Even if you think your partner doesn’t normally track your
agreements with them that closely, this is a unique time in your relationship. Because
they have been on the verge of leaving you, they are in a hyper-self-protective state. They
are likely to be having an ongoing dialogue with themselves about “whether or not I
should risk trusting my partner again.”

Renegotiating Agreements

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If you have to change or renegotiate an agreement with your partner, they’re likely
to start distrusting you again… if you wait until the last minute to tell them.

In real life, things can come up that can cause us to either not want to or not be able to
keep our agreements with our partner.

It’s human nature to avoid things that we assume will make us feel uncomfortable. Many
people feel uneasy if they have to renegotiate an agreement with their partner. Some
might also assume that their partner will be upset if the agreement is changed. Thus,
many people wait until the last minute to inform their partner that they can’t keep their
agreement.

This usually creates a negative reaction in the partner, whether they verbalize it or not. In
a relationship in crisis, it may even reinforce their self-protective belief that you can’t be
counted on and that you’ve let them down again. Then, they feel like a fool for starting to
trust you again.

How to successfully renegotiate an agreement with your partner:

1. If you have to renegotiate an agreement with your partner, give them maximum
notice.
2. Use Reason Why Communication.
3. Let them know how (bad) you feel having to renegotiate the agreement with
them, to let them know that you care about them, and that you take your
agreements with them seriously.
4. Offer to make amends to your partner for having to renegotiate the agreement.

An example of successfully renegotiating an agreement with a partner.

Let’s go back to the couple who negotiated Saturday date nights. Let’s say it’s Thursday
morning and the husband has just been informed at work that he’s required to fly out that
day for meetings on Friday and Monday with executives from another corporate branch
of his company. Using the principles above he does the following:

The husband calls and reaches his wife, telling her, “I just got called into my boss’s
office and was told there’s a crisis in our Atlanta branch. I have to fly out for meetings
both tomorrow morning and on Monday morning at their offices. (“Reason Why”)

“I’m calling you now because I want to let you know as soon as possible.” (maximum
notice) “I’m really sorry, because we’ve both been looking forward to our date night on
Saturday. I’m also sorry for giving such short notice.” (demonstration that he cares and
that he takes his commitments to her seriously)

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In my experience, his wife would be likely to respond with something like: “I really was
looking forward to us having that time together. But I do understand that this is not
within your control. And I appreciate that you let me know as soon as possible.”

It may also be that his wife had some other fun options that she passed on, so that they
could have their date night. She might add, “My friend, Suzie, had just called me and
wanted us to have a girl’s night out on Saturday night. Of course, since we had our date
night set up, I told her no thanks. But now, since we already have the babysitter lined up,
I’m going to call her right back, before she makes other plans, and take her up on her
offer.”

He responds by saying, “I feel a lot better knowing you’ll still have fun on Saturday
night. I’ll look forward to our date night a week from Saturday.”

She agrees, “Me, too.”

He continues, “I know there’s a new play opening next week that you wanted to see. I’ll
call this morning and see if I can get us tickets for opening night? If I can, then I’ll line
up the babysitter. Would you like that?” (offer to make amends)

“I know that having to cancel Saturday night’s date wasn’t within your control, so you
don’t have to do that,” she answers. “But, that would be really fun for us to go to opening
night of the play. So, yes, that would be wonderful! If you can arrange that, I would love
to go with you.”

Why did he make sure to call and REACH her rather than leaving her a message or
sending her an email?

If his wife had a negative reaction to his voice mail message, text messaging or email, it
probably would have kept building up in her, and she could have gotten really worked up
by the time they actually spoke.

In contrast, if she had a negative reaction during their phone conversation, he would have
had the option to address that reaction. That is, he would have the opportunity to use his
skills to come to a Mutually Satisfying Agreement, if possible, right on the spot.

What to do if it wouldn’t be a Mutually Satisfying Agreement for you to do what

your partner is asking of you.

Let’s go back to the date night example. Let’s say the husband already has a work
commitment for Saturday night. Here’s how he could handle that.

“I don’t know if you remember, but we already committed to go out to dinner with my
boss and his wife Saturday night. I feel that my relationship with him is shaky, so I’d be
nervous to renegotiate the night with him.” (Reason Why” Communication)

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“How about if we do our date night this Sunday, instead, and then go back to Saturdays
starting the following week?”

The Negotiated Yes version of working out a Mutually Satisfying Agreement.

Sometimes, you just don’t want to give the other person what they’re asking for . . . but
you do want to be positively responsive to the positive results they want to get from the
behavior they’re asking of you.

Here’s an example:

A number of years ago, a good friend called me up and said, “As you know, we just
bought this new house and I went way over budget to get it for us.

We’re moving in this Saturday, and I was wondering if you would help us with the move.
I’m trying to save as much money as possible. So, instead of hiring a moving company,
I’m renting a big truck and I’m asking for your help.”

I said, “Again, congratulations on getting your new home! I’m sure you’ll be very happy
there. How, specifically, would you like me to help you?”

“I was hoping,” he replied, “that you and I could move all our stuff from the old house to
the new house. I’ll especially need your help with the really heavy things, like the washer
and dryer and refrigerator.”

I already knew that I DIDN’T want to help him with the physical move, for a lot of
reasons. However, I wasn’t quite sure how to tell him right at that moment. So I said, “I
have some other commitments for this Saturday. Let me see what I can do and I’ll get
back to you by 5pm today.”

When I was off the phone, I thought it through. If I had helped him on Saturday, I would
have let down a lot of clients and would have lost a lot of income for the missed work
day. Also, I knew that he had lots of friends and was sure that he could find other help. It
sounded like I was the first one on his list to call.

I called him back a short time later. Here’s how I said no to the behavior he wanted, but
said yes to his desire for help with the move . . . by doing a Negotiated Yes negotiation.

I said, “I’ll be happy to help you and I want to tell you how I’d like to help you. I don’t
know if you remember, but right now, my biggest day of clients is on Saturdays. The
people I’m currently working with on Saturdays can’t come any other day of the week.
I’m not comfortable not keeping my agreement to give them help on a day that I’m in
town. Nor, can I afford to lose my biggest day of income. Here’s how I want to help you
with the move. Having moved a lot, my experience is that the last thing you think about
on moving day is dinner. So, next Saturday night, I want to take you and your family out
to a restaurant of our mutual choice.”

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He accepted my offer, but I could tell he was less than excited about it.

Here’s what wound up happening. He got several other friends to help him with the
move, all of whom had Saturdays off. I took he and his family out for dinner that
Saturday night and we all had a great time.

Only present and consider choices that are acceptable to you.

For most of us, our first reaction to a request being made of us, especially by our partner
or someone else we feel close to, is to want to say yes.

If you don’t first think through how fulfilling the request is going to impact you or if you
think it through and still do something you didn’t really want to do, then you’re now in
the position of sacrificing for the other person. The likely side effects of this are: 1)
feelings of resentment, and 2) a sense that they owe you.

The positive alternative to this is to only offer them alternate choices, all of which would
be acceptable to you, as I did in the previous example of the Negotiated Yes moving help
negotiation.

How to create a Mutually Satisfying Agreement with your partner when you both
want something very different from the other.

Sometimes… and these are really exceptions to the rule… you can't find a set of
agreements both people feel good about.

You then explore, cooperatively, who has the greater need, and come up with an
agreement based on the unanimous conclusion you both agree to about who has the
greater need.

An example of a successful Greater Need Negotiation.

Let’s work with the same couple, the ones who negotiated Saturday date nights. Let’s say
the wife said, “One of my best friends, Jane, just called. She has a one-night stopover, on
Saturday night, before she flies back home. I haven’t seen her for years. She’s invited us
to spend the evening with her. I’d really like to see her, but I committed to you to have
our date night. I know that we already have plans set. I know you’ve put in a lot of time
and effort into making this date wonderful. I also know that the last time the three of us
got together, that she and I spent a lot of time talking about old times, and you told me
afterward that it was really a boring time for you. I’m not sure what to do.”

Her husband replies, “I’d be really disappointed to not have this date night. And, you’re
right, it really was boring for me to have to sit through what seemed like hours and hours
of you two talking about old friends of yours who I never met. On the other hand, I know
she’s one of your best friends, and you haven’t seen her for years. I want you to see her,

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because I know how important she is to you. I think you obviously have the greater need
here. And, I’m really okay with that. I would definitely prefer to not go with you to see
her. We could come up with a good excuse, so that it doesn’t hurt her feelings, why I
didn’t come with you. Would that be okay with you?”

“It’s okay with me,” she gratefully responds, “if its ok with you.”

He answers, “Yes , it sure is.”

She adds, “But now I’m going to feel bad that you’re not going to have anything fun to
do on Saturday night. Especially after all that planning and effort you made for us.”

“You know,” he says, “I have an idea. There’s a blockbuster action adventure movie
opening this weekend that I’d really like to see, and I know that you’ve told me that you
hate action adventure movies. I already have the babysitter lined up. It would be really
fun for me to see it on Saturday night.”

“That’s great,” she agrees.” Now I know that we’re both going to have fun.”

Why Greater Need Negotiations are very different from making sacrifices or
compromises for your partner.

For many people, if they’re honest with themselves, when they make sacrifices or
compromises for their partner, they have one or more of the following feelings:
• resentment
• giving in
• giving up
• being deprived

In contrast to that, when you do a Greater Need Negotiation with your partner, and it’s
clear to you that they have the greater need, it will feel different to you. Especially if you
stay conscious of your higher priority--beyond that specific negotiation--which is to
rebuild trust with your partner and the feeling in them of being consistently loved and
cared for by you.

Your greater need may not be acknowledged or respected, right now, by your
partner.

When a person is on the verge of ending their relationship, they’re often not feeling very
accommodating. For many, even giving their partner a last chance feels to them to be a
giant concession.

If you’re doing a Greater Need Negotiation with your partner, and you feel that it’s
obvious that you have the greater need, and further feel that your partner isn’t being
reasonable, DON’T PUSH IT.

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Put this negotiation in perspective. Remember that your highest priority right now (and
for some time to come) is to save your relationship and to make sure that it stays saved.

In fact, in the face your partner’s unreasonableness, have a genuine Positive Friendly
Attitude about giving them what they’re asking for. It will enhance your efforts, to meet
your own top priority of saving your relationship.

Coming Attractions for the next section:

• The steps to negotiating Mutually Satisfying Agreements if you’re the one

initiating the negotiation.
• Successfully negotiating a Mutually Satisfying Agreement usually only takes a
couple of minutes of actual negotiation time.
• Why it’s good for you to be “Positively Selfish.”
• Why it’s important that you focus on your wants and needs FIRST.
• Why you shouldn’t get stuck in being realistic when you clarify what you want.
• Many of the agreements I’ve successfully negotiated are ones that I was sure the
other person was going to say NO.
• Why it’s important to come up with back up plans, including some that don’t
involve your partner, so that you won’t be disappointed with a no from your
partner.

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Section 11:

MSA Pt 3: The Steps To Negotiating Mutually Satisfying Agreements If You’re The

One Initiating The Negotiation
Thus far, we’ve focused on responding to a request or negotiation that your partner has
initiated.

Here are the steps to go through if you’re the one initiating the negotiation:

1. Clarify to yourself what specifically you want.

2. Be able to word what you want to negotiate for in positive terms.

3. Come up with back up plans so that you won’t be disappointed with a no from your
partner.

4. Timing: Approach your partner at a time when you’re feeling positive toward them and
that you think they’re in a positive place and tell them what you want.

5. If they respond in a positive way, without hesitation, then finalize the agreement by
asking them for a commitment to action, and the negotiation is done.

6. If they say or show signs that they don’t really want to do what you’re asking of them,
shift gears. Do Positive Feedback Loop communication with them so they feel heard and
understood by you.

7. Have a Positive Friendly Attitude to let your partner know that you’re coming from a
cooperative, supportive place toward them

8.Then, neutrally, gather information to find out their response, point of view, feelings,
desires, needs and wants about the issue you’re bringing up, so that you can determine
how to come up with a proposal that you believe will work for both of you.

9. Put forth your new proposal to your partner

10. Keep exploring with them until you find a set of terms you both feel good about and
then finalize the agreement.

Successfully negotiating a Mutually Satisfying Agreement usually only takes a

couple of minutes of actual negotiation time.

Although these may seem like a lot of steps to you, once you’ve mastered the skills, the
actual negotiation time is brief.

An example of initiating a negotiation with a partner when they are happy to agree
to what’s being asked of them.

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George and Sally are scheduled to go to her parent’s house on Sunday. From his
perspective they see her family a lot and he doesn’t want to go this time. (clarified to
himself what he doesn’t want)

His friend, Sam, calls and tells him that he has an extra ticket to see their favorite
baseball team play on Sunday and invites George to go with him. George would really
like to go. (clarified what specifically he does want)

Sam’s call has reminded him how much he loves to go to see his favorite team play. His
back up plan, if he and Sally can’t come to a Mutually Satisfying Agreement, about him
going with Sam to this particular game, is to negotiate with Sally a timing she’d be OK
with for him to go to another game and then to immediately line up a friend to go with
and to order those tickets.

Sally comes home from grocery shopping and looks happy and in a good mood so he
decides this is a good time to approach her to negotiate a Mutually Satisfying
Agreement.

George: “My friend Sam just called. He has an extra ticket for the game on Sunday and
I’d really like to go.” (communicates what he wants using all positive language). “I
know I told you that I’d go with you to your family’s house on Sunday. Do you mind
going without me.”

Sally: (without hesitation and with a smile in her voice) “That’s OK with me. You
haven’t been to a game in a couple of months and I know that’s one of your favorite
things to do. My Mom and I have been talking about going shopping together, so this
would be a perfect opportunity for us to do that. Have a great time.”

Her attitude, voice tone and words show that she’s happy with the agreement they’ve
made. Therefore, they have a Mutually Satisfying Agreement.

An example of initiating a negotiation with a partner when they AREN’T happy to

agree to what’s being asked of them.

Let’s go with the same scenario. However, in this variation, Sally is not OK with what
George is asking for.

George: “My friend Sam just called. He has an extra ticket for Sunday’s game and I’d
really like to go. I know I told you that I’d go with you to your family’s house on Sunday.
Do you mind going without me?”

Sally: “I know that you haven’t been to a game in a long time. Yeah, that’s fine with me.
That just means that I’ll have to deal with my parents by myself. (using a slightly
sarcastic tone). But don’t worry about it. At least one of us will be having a good time.”

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She’s going along with his request but, if he stops here, this will definitely NOT be a
Mutually Satisfying Agreement.

G: “I’m hearing that you’d really like my help with your parents, is that right?” (Positive
Feedback Loop)

S: “I really would.”

George: “ I want to come up with a situation that we’re both going to feel good about.”
(Positive Friendly Attitude) “I thought you liked seeing your family. What’s going on?”
(Neutral Information Gathering)

S: “My Dad has been really negative lately and I was wanting your moral support. Plus,
you’re really good at distracting him which takes the heat off me. He’s my Dad, so I
guess I’m stuck dealing with him.”

G: “If I’m hearing you right, it would be a lot easier on you if we saw your parents
together because of my ability to distract your Dad. Is that correct?” (Positive Feedback
Loop)

S: “Yes it is.”

G: “I’m happy to give you that support.” (Positive Friendly Attitude) “Would it work for
you if I call your parents to see if we can get together on Saturday instead.”

S: “Knowing them, they won’t have any plans, but then we’ll miss our date night that
we’ve both been looking forward to, because I know they’ll be hurt if we don’t stay for
dinner.”

G: “Last time we saw them, they were talking about the four of us going to see the new
exhibit at the museum. How about this. I’ll call them up and tell them that we already
have plans for Saturday night and for Sunday but that we’d love to take them out for a
day at the museum this Saturday to see the special exhibit.”

S: “That would work. In fact, I’ve noticed that my Dad is a lot more positive when we’re
doing an activity together rather than just sitting around and talking. That’s a great idea
and I’m sure that they’ll go for it.”

G: “If it’s OK with you, I’ll call them right now to set it up. That way you’ll know that
it’s taken care of and you won’t have to worry about it.”

S: “That would be wonderful.”

Now, they have a Mutually Satisfying Agreement.

Unpacking the steps to go through if you’re the one initiating the negotiation.

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Step 1: Clarify to yourself what specifically you want.

When most people think and communicate about an issue, their focus is on what they
don’t want. The easiest way for most people to clarify what they want is to ask
themselves what’s wrong or what they don’t want and then to ask themselves, what they
really want instead.

For example, when Sam called George and invited him to go to the game that might have
triggered the following thought process in George. “It’s been a long time since I’ve gone
to a game. I feel like I never see my friends anymore and I never do any fun guy things
that I really like doing. I really feel like I’ve lost a lot of my personal freedom in this
relationship.”

He now has the content to clarify what specifically he wants by asking himself the useful
question “what would I really like instead.” If he was like many people he might initially
come up with the answer I don’t want to never go to another game again” or I don’t want
to completely lose contact with my friends.

It’s good to be “Positively selfish.”

To be able to clarify what you really want in a situation you need to be “Positively
Selfish.”

I first learned that term when I was a teenager, from one of my mentors, Syd Shano.

Even the words “positive selfishness” made me really uncomfortable when I first heard
them. I was raised to believe that being selfish was a bad thing.

All of my associations with the word selfish were negative. There was nothing positive
about it to me.

I thought of being selfish as only being focused on my own interests while ignoring and
not caring about the wants and needs of others.

Syd taught me that Positive Selfishness was a good thing. His premise was that it was my
responsibility to clarify what I wanted and needed. No one would or could do that as
effectively or as accurately for me as I could do it for myself.

His definition of Positive Selfishness was to identify your own wants or needs and to
negotiate for meeting them, but NOT at the cost of other people.

If you don’t clarify and negotiate for what you need and what you want then you’re not
going to be capable of negotiating Mutually Satisfying Agreements with your partner.
It’s a recipe for anger and resentment in the future. . Look out for your partner and look
out for yourself.

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In the short term and in the long term, caring for yourself, clarifying and accurately
representing your own wants and needs, and meeting those wants and needs, is one of the
best thing you can do, not only for yourself, but also for your partner and for your
relationship.

Focus on your wants and needs FIRST.

For many people, especially those that, historically, are more givers than receivers,
their natural tendency is to focus on the needs of others including their partner first and to
put themselves, last.

The most effective way to clarify what you really want and need in a given situation, is to
focus on your wants and needs first.

People that don’t identify and focus on their needs and wants first, find it very difficult if
not impossible to clearly identify what they want and need because their attention is
taken up with the wants and needs of others.

First clarify what you really want and need in a given situation. Then you’ll be in the
right mindset to explore with your partner what they want and need. From there you can
cooperatively come up with a Mutually Satisfying Agreement.

Step 2. Be able to word what you want to negotiate for in positive terms.

Coming back to George, his next step is to be able to word what he wants in positive
terms. He could ask himself the useful question again, “what would I really like instead”
and this time to word it to himself in positive language. His answer to himself might now
be, “ I would really like to go to that game with Sam. But if I tell Sally, she might get hurt
and angry and make me feel guilty about even bringing it up.”

Don’t get stuck in being realistic when you clarify what you want.

Although what’s likely to come into your mind is why you think it’s not realistic or
possible to get what you want, don’t let that stop you from clarifying what you really
want. To be successful in mastering the art of negotiating Mutually Satisfying
Agreements, you need to take one step at a time.

Many of the agreements I’ve successfully negotiated are ones that I was sure the
other person was going to say NO.

Over the years, both in my marriage and in my business negotiations, there have been lots
and lots of things I’ve asked for and negotiated for that I initially was convinced were
impossible to create a Mutually Satisfying Agreement with the other person about.

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I had to muster up the courage to go through my steps and approach them anyway and to
my surprise and delight was usually able to negotiate a Mutually Satisfying Agreement.

Remember, everything I’m teaching you is tried and true. Just follow the steps as
accurately as you can and enjoy the great results you create with your partner.

What George really wants.

If George were following my instructions, his answer to his question, “what do I really
want” would be: “ I want to do my best to negotiate a Mutually Satisfying Agreement,
with Sally so that I can go with Sam on Sunday to see my team play.

Step 3. Come up with back up plans, including some that don’t involve your
partner, so that you won’t be disappointed with a no from your partner.

Before you initiate a negotiation with your partner, come up with one or more back up
plans that you would be happy with, including some that don’t require your partner’s
cooperation.

Why back up plans?

If, in your mind, the only way you can be happy in a given situation is that your partner
gives you what you want, when you want it, the way that you want it, that’s a set up for
failure.

To be in the right mindset to initiate a Mutually Satisfying Agreement, you have to be

100% OK with them saying no to what you’re asking for. If you’re not, and they say no,
you’re likely to go into non-useful mental states like resentment and feeling deprived
and/or non-useful behaviors like debating, selling, controlling, or guilting.

Why have some back up plans that don’t involve your partner’s cooperation?

On the other hand, if you go into initiating a negotiation with back up plans that don’t
involve your partner, then you go in knowing that you can get your needs and wants met
one way or the other. This will put you in the right mental state to create a MSA. Now for
you it’s a preference that your partner does what you’re asking rather than a need.

If all of your plans and back up plans are tied to your partner and you can’t imagine
getting what you want without their involvement and cooperation, then you’re setting
them and yourself up to fail and you’re making yourself powerless because you’re tying
your well being to your partner which will cause you to resent them.

For example, let’s say that George had decided that he wanted to go to a game but he
would only go if Sally would come with him.

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Let’s further say that Sally doesn’t like watching sports. If that was George’s only plan,
with no back up plans, they are going to be in a no win situation.

If Sally goes to the game with George, she’s probably not going to have a good time,
which will probably also affect George’s enjoyment.

If Sally chooses to say no and doesn’t go to the game, and if George doesn’t allow
himself to go by himself or with a friend, then he’ll probably resent Sally.

Back up plans are secondary options.

Back up plans are just what you’d expect them to be, secondary options you can exercise
if what you thought you were going to enjoy isn’t working.

One example of a common back up plan that a lot of people use is having jumper cables
in their car. You don’t expect to need them, but it’s nice to know they’re there. And
they’re an invaluable back up plan if you go to start your car and discover you have a
dead battery.

Step 4. Approach your partner at a time that you think they’re in a positive place
and tell them what you want.

As you learned, when I taught you about Taking Breaks, the only timing that works to
talk things out with your partner is when you’re both in a positive place within yourselves
and toward the other person.

George saw that Sally was in a good mood, so he determined that was good timing to
approach her to negotiate a Mutually Satisfying Agreement.

Step 5. If your partner responds in a positive way, without hesitation, then finalize
the agreement by asking for and receiving a commitment to action, and the
negotiation is done.

In my experience most people think they’ve asked for and gotten a commitment to action
when that’s really not the case.

Here’s a couple of examples of how people think they’ve asked for a commitment
but it’s not taken that way by their partner:

• Stating your feelings and stopping there such as in our earlier example of the wife
that was upset because she told her husband how frustrated she was that they
never had date nights.

• Telling a person what they’re going to do. For example: “I spoke to my mom and
she asked us over for dinner tomorrow night and I told her yes. We’re supposed to
be there at 5 o’clock.”

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Here’s a couple of examples of how to effectively ask a commitment question by

giving and implying choice:

• “I’d really like us start having date nights on Saturdays, would you be willing to
do that?”

• “Would you come with me to my parent’s house tomorrow for dinner at 5pm.”

Step 6. If your partner says or shows signs that they don’t really want to do what
you’re asking of them, then do Positive Feedback Loop communication with them so
they feel heard and understood by you.

Sally: “I know that you haven’t been to a game in a long time. Yeah, that’s fine with me.
That just means that I’ll have to deal with my parents by myself. (using a slightly
sarcastic tone). But don’t worry about it. At least one of us will be having a good time.

She’s going along with his request but, if he stops here, this will definitely NOT be a
mutually satisfying agreement.

G: “I’m hearing that you’d really like my help with your parents, is that right?” (Positive
Feedback Loop)

Step 7. Have a Positive Friendly Attitude to let your partner know that you’re
coming from a cooperative, supportive place toward them.

Having a Positive Friendly Attitude when it’s clear to you by your partner’s response that
what you’re asking for wouldn’t be a Mutually Satisfying Agreement serves many
functions:

• It puts them at ease.

• You’re demonstrating to them that you’re coming from a cooperative place.

• You’re showing that you’re neither expecting or wanting them to make sacrifices
for you nor that you’re going to try to guilt or talk them into something that they
don’t really want to do.

It thus allows them to respond by being cooperative rather than attacking, defending or
withdrawing.

George: “ I want to come up with a situation that we’re both going to feel good about.”
(Positive Friendly Attitude)

Step 8.Then, neutrally, gather information to find out their response, point of view,
feelings, desires, needs and wants about the issue you’re bringing up, so that you

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can determine how to come up with a proposal that you believe will work for both of
you.

G: “I thought you liked seeing your family. What’s going on?” (Neutral Information
Gathering)

S: “My Dad has been really negative lately and I was wanting your moral support. Plus,
you’re really good at distracting him which takes the heat off me. He’s my Dad, so I
guess I’m stuck dealing with him.”

G: “If I’m hearing you right, it would be a lot easier on you if we saw your parents
together because of my ability to distract your Dad. Is that correct?” (Positive Feedback
Loop)

S: “Yes it is.”

Step 9. Put forth your new proposal to your partner.

G: “I’m happy to give you that support.” (Positive Friendly Attitude) “Would it work for
you if I call your parents to see if we can get together on Saturday instead.” (new
proposal)

Step 10. Keep exploring with them until you find a set terms you both feel good
about and then finalize the agreement.

S: “Knowing them, they won’t have any plans, but then we’ll miss our date night that
we’ve both been looking forward to, because I know they’ll be hurt if we don’t stay for
dinner.”

G: “Last time we saw them, they were talking about the four of us going to see the new
exhibit at the museum. How about this. I’ll call them up and tell them that we already
have plans for Saturday night and for Sunday but that we’d love to take them out for a
day at the museum this Saturday to see the special exhibit.” (new proposal)

S: “That would work. In fact, I’ve noticed that my Dad is a lot more positive when we’re
doing an activity together rather than just sitting around and talking. That’s a great idea
and I’m sure that they’ll go for it.”

G: “If it’s OK with you, I’ll call them right now to set it up. That way you’ll know that
it’s taken care of and you won’t have to worry about it.”

S: “That would be wonderful.”

Now, they have a Mutually Satisfying Agreement.

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Additional tips and refinements to assist you in being consistent in negotiating

MSAs, Mutually Satisfying Agreements, with your partner.

Keep It Simple.

One of the most important parts of creating a MSA is to limit yourself to addressing and
coming to a Mutually Satisfying Agreement about one issue at time.

If you were going to fly from L.A. to Chicago, you wouldn’t book a flight with layovers
in Paris and Rome. But, that’s what most couples do. They forget where they’re going
and they end up, after their significant layovers, almost precisely where they don’t want
to be—in Fightland, home to dissatisfied couples everywhere.

A common mistake a person or a couple makes when they’re trying to work out an
agreement is to bring up one or several other issues, problems or disagreements during
the negotiation.

Don’t do that. It will put your partner in a reactive state and minimize the possibility of
creating a Mutually Satisfying Agreement.

It’s next to impossible to successfully resolve more than one issue at the same time.

If your partner brings up other issues during the negotiation then first do Positive
Feedback Loops with them to get back in rapport. Once you’re back in rapport you can
then say, “I’m happy to address that. What I’d like to do is to first complete this
discussion and to find a set of agreements about the first issue that we both feel good
about. Once we do that I’d be happy to set up a time to address the other things you’ve
brought up.”

In my experience, when a person responds to the introduction of other problems, first by

doing Positive Feedback Loops and then asking to resolve the original issue before
addressing the new ones, that their partner is cooperative and is willing to do that.

Stop while you’re both ahead.

A common problem I see is that couples don’t know when to stop negotiating. In other
words, they’ll actually negotiate a Mutually Satisfying Agreement and then immediately
bring up the next problem they want addressed.

They’ll often keep going till one or both hit a point of frustration and then get upset at
their partner.

More is not better, it’s too much.

When you’ve negotiated a Mutually Satisfying Agreement, congratulate each other and
STOP.

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By stopping now, you’re both left with a good feeling and the experience of positively,
quickly and successfully resolving an issue.

If there’s other issues or problems that you want to negotiate, set up a different time to
negotiate them. Not now.

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Section 13: Next

“Your life is an occasion. Rise to it.”

Mr. Magorium

Save your relationship

I have given you the mind-set, the principles and the strategies to maximize the
possibility of saving your relationship.

There are lots of couples who are still happily together because one or both applied these
skills to save their relationship. I want to hear from you. Email your success story to
wizz@earthlink.net. Your story of success can help to inspire, give hope to and motivate
many others who fear that they are in a doomed relationship.

I look forward to hearing your success stories.

Take care,

Fred Talisman

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