The document is a memorandum from a councilmember outlining joke budget recommendations, including funding investigations into black holes, earplugs, and apologizing mailers. It suggests wasteful spending like setting money on fire or limiting mayoral races to one candidate.
The document is a memorandum from a councilmember outlining joke budget recommendations, including funding investigations into black holes, earplugs, and apologizing mailers. It suggests wasteful spending like setting money on fire or limiting mayoral races to one candidate.
The document is a memorandum from a councilmember outlining joke budget recommendations, including funding investigations into black holes, earplugs, and apologizing mailers. It suggests wasteful spending like setting money on fire or limiting mayoral races to one candidate.
The document is a memorandum from a councilmember outlining joke budget recommendations, including funding investigations into black holes, earplugs, and apologizing mailers. It suggests wasteful spending like setting money on fire or limiting mayoral races to one candidate.
TO: Members of the Council of the District of Columbia
FROM: Councilmember Mary M. Cheh DATE: May 7, 2019 SUBJECT: The District’s Fiscal Year 2020 Budget
At tomorrow’s budget working session, we will begin our joint discussions of the budget for Fiscal Year 2020. As a convenience to Members, this memorandum highlights the budget recommendations from my office. • The Committee was very excited to hear that astronomers had released the first photo of a black hole earlier this spring. To be frank, the Committee did not believe that a photograph like this could ever be produced. To that end, the Committee transfers to $100,000 to the Office of the D.C. Auditor, to be used to investigate how the astronomers convinced the charter school system to let itself be photographed.
• The Committee is concerned by the number of reports from Council offices
regarding the failure of the Office of the Chief Financial Officer to certify reductions to individual agency budgets this year. In previous years, the Committee has faced its own struggles to get its requested budget cuts approved by the OCFO, often without any clear rationale. The Committee believes this process could be administered more fairly. Thus, the Committee transfers $50,000 to the Executive Office of the Mayor to resize all of the Mayor’s pockets to ensure that Chief Financial Officer Jeffrey DeWitt can fit more comfortably.
• The Committee is quite concerned about recent changes to the makeup of the Public Service Commission. This past winter, the Council vote 8 to 5 to approve a new commissioner with limited experience in energy regulation. Thus, the Committee believes it prudent to provide funding to support needed training for the new commissioner. Therefore, the Committee transfers $45,000 to DCPS for materials to be used by Mrs. Daly’s 6th grade science class to tutor the newest member of the Public Service Commission on the basics of energy policy.
• Transfer $150,000 to the Department of Consumer and Regulatory Affairs for
the purchase of earplugs for the residents of Gallery Place. The Committee is concerned by the ongoing number of noise complaints in the area. After careful consideration, the Committee believes that the ear plugs will be the most
2 effective solution to this problem – both in terms of cost, and because the Council has made clear its not going to do anything.
• Transfer $10 million to the Department of Health for the very important work of – For Immediate Release: May 7, 2019, 1:15pm
Robert White Reads First Page of FY 2020 Joke Budget Memo
Washington, DC – Today, Councilmember Robert White took the landmark
action of reading the first page of the FY 2020 Joke Budget Memo. White's first order of business was to clarify that this was the annual joke budget memo, and not a real memo that might have useful information.
– ensuring that District residents are able to access health services,
including –
For Immediate Release: May 7, 2019, 1:16pm
Robert White Amused by First Item in FY 2020 Joke Budget Memo
Washington, DC – Today, Councilmember Robert White let out an audible
laugh while reading the first item in the FY 2020 Joke Budget Memo. White said of the report, “Wow, this one is actually sort of funny. You’re saying Mary wrote this? I mean, in all seriousness, though.”
– to social workers through the –
For Immediate Release: May 7, 2019, 1:18pm
Robert White Considers Going Out for Lunch
Washington, DC – Today, Councilmember Robert White stood up from his
desk, looked out the window, and announced, “I might go out for lunch.” White, who Chairs the Committee on Facilities and Procurement, ultimately had a sandwich.
Oh, forget it!
• Last fall, a number of Ward 4 constituents raised concerns about outreach
they’d received from the Office of Councilmember Brandon Todd regarding his 2020 campaign for the Council. The residents shared that they had received campaign related materials, despite never agreeing to receive any such outreach. The Committee believes that this was a clear mistake, and supports
3 efforts made by the Councilmember to ameliorate any errors. Therefore, the Committee transfers $250,000 to the Office of Councilmember Brandon Todd. These funds are to be used on a direct mail campaign for the express purpose of apologizing to the constituents who received unsolicited mailers from him this fall, and to remind them to donate to his 2020 campaign.
• $5 billion for [Committee on Health to fill in immediately prior to circulation].
• $200,000 to build a protected bike lane through the FY 2020 Joke Budget Memo.
(See how easy it is, DDOT?)
• The Committee is tremendously supportive of plans for the District to provide
Dan Snyder with the funds he needs to build a new football stadium in the District. However, the Committee believes that the District could get an even better return on its investment from a slightly more ambitious proposal. Rather than provide District funds to Mr. Snyder directly, the Committee recommends transferring $750 million to Fire and Emergency Medical Services and directing FEMS to immediately set the money ablaze. The Committee believes that the resulting dumpster fire will be much more enjoyable to watch than the project proposed by Mr. Snyder.
• Transfer $100,000 to the D.C. Interscholastic Athletic Association for the
administration of a new “Mayoral Marathon.” Despite there being a number of serious contenders in the District, the Committee directs DCIAA to limit registration for the race to one District resident, Mayor Muriel Bowser, to ensure that she will win.
4 • The Committee is excited by the prospect of sports wagering in the District but worries that the scope of what qualifies as a “sport” under the legislation is unnecessarily limiting. Thus, the Committee transfers $150,000 to the D.C. Lottery to expand sports wagering to include betting on local government leaders. Specifically, the Committee directs D.C. Lottery to permit residents to wager on the following:
o The Mayor’s next hashtag;
o The next member of the Executive to resign or be censured; and o The next Councilmember to be fined by the Board of Ethics and Government Accountability.
• Given the recent passage of the Healthy Parks Act and the Healthy Students Amendment Act, in addition to the Healthy Tots Act, Healthy Schools Act, and Healthy Students Act in prior council sessions, the Committee is worried that the District will run out of things to make “healthy” in future years. Rather than risk having no legislation to move in future years, the Committee recommends transferring $200,000 to the Council of the District of Columbia for the purchase of a roulette-style wheel with random nouns in the place of the numbers. Councilmember Cheh commits to drafting and moving “healthy” legislation based on whatever word the wheel lands on. The Committee has actually already purchased this wheel, and can share a few preliminary spins:
o “The Healthy Compromise Act of 2019” – This legislation has no effect
other than making Chairman Mendelson feel good about himself. o “The Healthy Prostitute Act of 2019” – Councilmember Grosso has already agreed to cosponsor this legislation, despite the Committee having nothing drafted. o “The Healthy Bowel Movements Act of 2019” – Oh wait, Councilmember Nadeau already introduced this one.
• The Committee notes the recent proliferation of working animals in the
District. The District has seen a steady influx of emotional-support animals, backyard chickens, and goat yoga goats. The Committee is concerned that these animals are not being provided the compensation that they deserve. As such, the Committee recommends transferring $250,000 to the Department of Employment Services to implement a new minimum wage for animals. Specifically, employers will be required to prove a minimum of fifteen treats per hour to any animal in their employ. The Committee notes that, thanks to the Council overturning the will of the voters, this scheme will result in animals being provided a greater level of compensation than tipped workers.
Final Resolution 111.111.23R (Frederick) (Aa 11-20) Outlining Its Actions and Expressing Its Findings and Intent Concerning The 2024 Budget As Proposed
Final Resolution 111.111.23R (Frederick) (Aa 11-20) Outlining Its Actions and Expressing Its Findings and Intent Concerning The 2024 Budget As Proposed
