Series 9 Episode 11 The Opening Night Excitation

Caption: A short time ago in an apartment in Pasadena.

Caption: THE BIG BANG THEORY
Caption: EPISODE 194
Caption: THE OPENING NIGHT EXCITATION
Caption: It is a period of great tension. Our heroes, Leonard, Sheldon, Wolowitz and Koothrappali know that
tickets to the new Star Wars movie are about to be available for pre-sale.
Caption: If they fail in their mission and cant see it on opening night Sheldon has sworn that they will never
hear the end of it for the rest of their lives
Caption: They believe him.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Guys, tickets already went on sale.
Sheldon: What?
Howard: Theyre not supposed to be available yet.
Leonard: I dont know what to tell you, but theyre on sale.
Raj: Wait. Youre sure theyre Star Wars tickets?
Leonard: No, its Steel Magnolias 2: Even Steelier.
Sheldon: The Web sites frozen. I cant get in.
Leonard: Yeah, me, too.
Howard: Same here!
Raj: Guys, theyre gonna sell out.
Howard: What are we gonna do?!
Sheldon: All right, this goes against everything I stand for, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
Lord, this is Sheldon Cooper. Youre good friends with my mom. I know Ive spent my life denying that you
exist.
Howard: Got em.
Sheldon: And I will continue to do so!
Credits sequence.
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Im really happy you and Amy are back together.

Sheldon: Oh, thank you.

Leonard: Im also really happy, but I cant pretend its for you. New Star Wars in three days.
Sheldon: Hey, Thursday cant get here soon enough. Im taking off work to watch the original trilogy while I
eat enough Star Wars cereal to choke a Wookiee.
Penny: Uh, sweetie, you do realize Thursday is Amys birthday.
Sheldon: And you do realize I bought my ticket when Amy and I were broken up? I hope you didnt need
anything in that case, cause its closed.
Penny: You guys just got back together. You might not want to ditch her on her birthday.
Leonard: I think Penny has a point. You can see it another day.
Sheldon: But someone might spoil the movie. No one can spoil Amys birthday for me. Surprise, shes even
older. Who saw that coming?
Penny: Aw, thats nice. Put that on her cake.
Scene: Sheldons bedroom.
Arthur: Oh, great. This again.
Sheldon: Arthur, what brings you back?
Arthur: Uh, beats me. I, I just hope this isnt a, a sex dream.
Sheldon: In the past, youve come to me when Im struggling with a dilemma.
Arthur: And, and the one time where, where you were afraid, and you needed me for, for a night light. Whats,
whats troubling you?
Sheldon: Well, my friends are telling me I shouldnt abandon my girlfriend on her birthday to see the new Star
Wars movie.
Arthur: Well, sounds right. Can, can I get out of this muumuu now?
Sheldon: Those are the robes of the Jedi, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy.
Arthur: And they, they, they dont wear underwear.
Sheldon: So, you agree with my friends that I should skip the premiere?
Arthur: Uh, do, do you love this girl?
Sheldon: Yes. But she knows how important Star Wars is to me.
Arthur: Well, maybe you should show her how, how important she is to you.
Sheldon: By seeing the movie shed want me to see?
Arthur: Sheldon, you, you can see this movie whenever you want. But you only have a limited number of days
that you, you can be with this woman. Be with her.

Sheldon: Youre right.

Arthur: Great.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Arthur: I dont know, but hopefully, somewhere I can wear pants.
Scene: Amys bedroom.
Amy (answering phone): Sheldon, whats wrong?
Sheldon: I wanted to let you know Ill be spending your birthday with you.
Amy: Okay.
Sheldon: See, I, I had tickets to the Star Wars premiere that night, but Professor Proton came to me in a dream
dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi and convinced me I should be with you.
Amy: Obi-what?
Sheldon: Ill, Ill let you get back to sleep now. Good night.
Amy: Okay. Good night. Wait. Um, Sheldon, were you actually not gonna spend my birthday with me?
Sheldon: Its late. Got to go. Bye.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Good for Sheldon deciding to stay with Amy on her birthday.
Leonard: I know. Its still gonna be weird to see the movie without him.
Howard: Well, we could wait a couple days and see it together. (all laugh)
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: Hey. Were going to the comic book store. You want to come?
Sheldon: No, I cant. I need to make preparations for Amys birthday. Which leads me to the following bit of
business. This is my ticket to Star Wars. I dont have to tell you it is worth far more than its face value of fifteen
dollars and fifty cents. I trust youll give it to someone worthy.
Leonard: You got it. Well, Penny might want to join us.
Sheldon (to Howard): This is my ticket to Star Wars.
Scene: Pennys apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
Bernadette: What happens if I say, come in?
Penny: Well, find out.
Bernadette: Come in.

Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock)
Bernadette.
Penny: Come in.
Sheldon: Keep it up. I got nowhere else to be.
Bernadette: Just come in.
Sheldon: For future reference, if I want to watch Mean Girls, Ill stream it on Netflix.
Penny: Were sorry. What do you need?
Sheldon: Well, as you know, Ill be celebrating Amys birthday with her, and I could use your assistance in
helping me select the perfect gift.
Bernadette: Sure.
Sheldon: Well, so far, Ive come up with three ideas. The first is a chance for her to play the harp with the L.A.
Philharmonic.
Penny: Wow. You can really arrange that?
Sheldon: Well, I said a chance, you know. When you tell them its your birthday at Bennigans, they make a
fuss. I dont see why the Philharmonic would be any different.
Bernadette: How about something a little more realistic?
Sheldon: Well, Amy enjoys knitting her own sweaters, so I was thinking of getting her an all-expense-paid trip
to the Wisconsin Sheep and Wool Festival.
Penny: Sorry. I was waiting for the bazinga.
Bernadette: Hold on. It could be romantic. The two of them away together, keeping each other warm in snowy
Wisconsin.
Sheldon: No, no, no, no. Shed be going alone. Well, if you think Im afraid of birds, you should see me around
sheep.
Penny: Okay, well, whats the third option?
Sheldon: That I have coitus with her.
Scene: The comic book store.
Leonard: What do you think about giving Sheldons ticket to Stuart?
Raj: I dont know. Have you ever seen a movie with Stuart before?
Howard: Its like going with your grandpa. Instead of eating popcorn, he brings little pieces of chicken in
Tupperware and a thermos full of soup.
Leonard: Hes not that bad. Hey, Stuart, got any plans Thursday night?
Stuart: My, uh, my doctors worried about my circulation, so I was thinking about walking around the mall.
Why?

Leonard: Well
Wil Wheaton: Hey, you guys.
Howard: Oh, make sure to wear sensible shoes. Wil, want to go to Star Wars Thursday?
Wil: Absolutely.
Stuart: Fine, take Wil. See if he brings you clam chowder.
Scene: Pennys apartment.
Penny: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Lets, lets, lets just recap our options. All right, weve got harp thing,
sheep thing.
Bernadette: Wild thang.
Sheldon: Which do you think shed prefer? Because I checked the Sheep and Wool Festival Web site, and
theres only 8,000 tickets left.
Penny: Sheldon, being physical with Amy is a huge step for you.
Bernadette: Yeah, are you ready for this?
Sheldon: Intimacy in any form has been challenging for me, but Id like to show her how important she is, and
it feels like now might be the right time.
Penny: Sheldon, thats so beautiful.
Sheldon: Then its settled. Amys birthday present will be my genitals.
Scene: The stairwell.
Amy: Thanks for taking me out.
Penny: Well, youre spending your birthday with Sheldon. Why not celebrate early?
Bernadette: So where do you want to go?
Amy: I heard that new Mexican place on Green Street is good.
Penny: Sure, sure. Or we could take you to get a bikini wax.
Amy: Why would I get a bikini wax for my birthday?
Penny: Uh, I dont know. It was just a thought.
Amy: I think Ill just stick to Mexican.
Bernadette: Great. And then maybe after, we can watch a dirty movie, and if anybody has any questions about
what happened or how, we can answer them.
Amy: Okay, what is going on?
Penny: Oh, we just want you to be prepared for any surprises that might happen tomorrow.

Amy: What surprises?

Bernadette: We dont want to spoil anything, but you should know that Sheldon said hes ready to be physical.
Amy: You shut your damn mouth. You actually heard him say this?
Penny: Yes. He said he wants to do something to show you how much you mean to him.
Amy: I, I cant believe it. I, I dont know what to say.
Bernadette: Well, were really happy for you, and we know how much he cares
Amy: I do know what to say. Lets get me waxed.
Scene: Sheldons bedroom.
Arthur: Why isnt it ever Angie Dickinsons bedroom?
Sheldon: Youre back.
Arthur: It, it doesnt seem like its up to me.
Sheldon: I suppose youre here because Ive decided to be physical with my girlfriend, and Ive never done that
before.
Arthur: Eh, excuse me for a moment. Well, it was worth a shot.
Sheldon: So, can you help me?
Arthur: Uh, all right. Um, once, once the man gets the, the woman out of her, out of her bloomers
Sheldon: Oh, no. Not that. I, I understand the mechanics.
Arthur: Oh, good, good. Cause, uh, I have no idea what kids these days are calling their, their parts.
Sheldon: I think they say junk.
Arthur: What is happening to this world? What, what do you actually need to know?
Sheldon: This is an important night for us, and Im worried I might be overwhelmed and ruin everything.
Arthur: Sheldon, if, if youre with the right person, it, itll be okay.
Sheldon: Thank you, Arthur. You are the wisest of the wise.
Arthur: Well, thats, thats very nice of you to say, but I think Im just an expression of, of your unconscious
mind.
Sheldon: Oh, sure. Well, youre fun to look at.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Tonights the night.
Leonard: Yeah, the wait is finally over.

Penny: I know. Then youll finally stop talking about it.

Howard: Ready to go?
Raj: Lets do this.
Penny: Have fun, guys.
Leonard: We will.
Raj: I cant believe Sheldon gave this up.
Howard: I know.
Leonard: Were gonna have so much more fun than him.
Bernadette: No, theyre not.
Penny: Knowing them, they will.
Scene: The cinema.
Howard: T minus 15 minutes.
Raj: Oh, did you hear from Wil?
Leonard: Yeah, hes on his way. Time for bladder check.
Raj: Check.
Leonard: Check.
Howard: Check. Wait. Screw it. Im holding it.
Raj: What is everyone booing at?
Wil: Hey, guys. Whats up?
Leonard: Um, hey, Wil. What you doin?
Wil: I was on Star Trek. Just rooting for the home team.
Man: Star Trek stinks!
Wil: Yeah? Live long and suck it.
Scene: Amys apartment.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Birthday girl. (Knock, knock, knock) Birthday girl. (Knock, knock, knock)
Birthday girl.
Amy: Come in.
Sheldon: Oh.
Amy: Hi, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Hello. Sorry Im late. I also got you a balloon, but it floated away, and I chased it for a while.
Amy: Thats okay. Come on in. Thank you. Um, Ill, Im gonna go put these in water.
Sheldon: Okay. Ooh, this is different, hmm? Candles and music.
Amy: Do you like it?
Sheldon: Its kind of spooky.
Amy: I can change it back.
Sheldon: No, no, no. Its your birthday. As long as no one jumps out in a hockey mask, Ill be fine.
Amy: So, whatd you have in mind for tonight?
Sheldon: I thought I could take you out to a nice birthday dinner. If we pick a place east of here, we might find
the balloon.
Amy: Um, that sounds nice, but Im not really hungry right now. I thought maybe we could do presents first.
Sheldon: Oh. All right. Um. I should probably tell you something about this gift.
Amy: You mean before you give it to me?
Sheldon: Yes. May I ask you a question before I give it to you?
Amy: Of course.
Sheldon: Why are we saying give it to you like that?
Amy: Sheldon, I know your present is for us to be intimate tonight.
Sheldon: I see. Is that all right? Im sorry, but this is a litigious society. Im gonna need verbal consent.
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: You know what, let me pull a quick contract off the Internet.
Scene: The cinema.
Leonard: So, if you dont like Star Wars, why are you here?
Wil: Oh, Im just having fun. Everyone takes Star Wars so seriously. Like if the movies bad, its gonna ruin
their lives.
Raj: Is it bad? Did you hear something? Oh, my God. Its bad. Somebody kill me.
Wil: See? Thats what I mean. When you wake up in the morning, whether this is the greatest movie ever or a
total piece of crap, your life isnt gonna change at all.
Howard: Hes right.
Leonard: Yeah. No matter what happens, were coming back tomorrow to watch it again.
Scene: The apartment.

Bernadette: Do you think Sheldons actually gonna go through with it?

Penny: I dont know. He said hes ready.
Bernadette: Yeah, but he also swore this was the year hed be able to pull the guts out of a pumpkin.
Penny: Well, Im gonna stay positive. I mean, we talked, I told him what women like, and after he stopped
giggling, he seemed pretty sure of himself.
Scene: Amys bedroom.
Amy: Hi.
Sheldon: Hello.
Amy: So, um, should I get under the covers with you?
Sheldon: All right. Hello.
Amy: Hi.
Sheldon: Why are you shaking? Are you cold?
Amy: Im just, um, really nervous.
Sheldon: Why?
Amy: Well, Ive been waiting for this for so long, Ive just built it up in my head. I dont know what to expect.
Sheldon: Neither do I. But we can find out together.
Amy: Okay.
Scene: The cinema.
Leonard: Im really nervous.
Howard: I know. Weve been waiting so long for this.
Raj: And weve built it up in our heads so much.
Wil: Guys, its just a movie.
Leonard: Thats true.
Howard: Hes right.
Raj: It is.
Wil: Although, we all remember Jar Jar.
Raj: Leonard, I, Im scared again.
Caption: A few hours later, in a bedroom not far away.
Sheldon: Well, I enjoyed that more than I thought I would.

Amy: Me, too.

Sheldon: I look forward to your next birthday when we do it again.
Amy: That works for me.
Scene: The cinema.
Wil: I enjoyed that more than I thought I would.
Raj: I dont think I can walk right now.
Scene: Sheldons bedroom.
Arthur: Uh, Sheldon? Sheldon?
Sheldon: Arthur. What are you doing here? I, I dont think I need any more advice.
Arthur: I, I was just curious. How, howd it go?
Sheldon: Oh. It was amazing. I, I saw it a few days later. What a movie.
Arthur: But, uh, what, what about Amy?
Sheldon: Oh. Uh, uh, she liked it fine. But she doesnt have the history with the franchise I do.
Arthur: Okay. Good, good talk.

Series 01 Episode 01 Pilot Episode

Scene: A corridor at a sperm bank.
Sheldon: So if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is
observed it will not go through both slits. If its unobserved it will, however, if its
observed after its left the plane but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through
both slits.
Leonard: Agreed, whats your point?
Sheldon: Theres no point, I just think its a good idea for a tee-shirt.
Leonard: Excuse me?
Receptionist: Hang on.
Leonard: One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabakov, twenty-six across is MCM,
fourteen down is move your finger phylum, which makes fourteen across Port-auPrince. See, Papa Docs capital idea, thats Port-au-Prince. Haiti.
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Leonard: Yes. Um, is this the High IQ sperm bank?
Receptionist: If you have to ask, maybe you shouldnt be here.
Sheldon: I think this is the place.
Receptionist: Fill these out.
Leonard: Thank-you. Well be right back.
Receptionist: Oh, take your time. Ill just finish my crossword puzzle. Oh wait.
(They sit and begin to fill in forms).
Sheldon: Leonard, I dont think I can do this.
Leonard: What, are you kidding? Youre a semi-pro.
Sheldon: No. We are committing genetic fraud. Theres no guarantee that our sperm is
going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic
DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.
Leonard: Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth
in the apartment.
Sheldon: I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but theres some poor woman is
going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesnt
know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve.
Leonard: Im sure shell still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldnt.
Leonard: Well, what do you want to do?
Sheldon: I want to leave.

Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: Whats the protocol for leaving?
Leonard: I dont know, Ive never reneged on a proffer of sperm before.
Sheldon: Lets try just walking out.
Leonard: Okay.
Receptionist: Bye.
Sheldon: Bye-bye
Leonard: See you.
Scene: The stairs of the apartment building.
Sheldon: Are you still mad about the sperm bank?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?
Leonard: Not really.
Sheldon: If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people
will trip.
Leonard: I dont care. Two millimetres? That doesnt seem right.
Sheldon: No, its true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke
his clavicle.
Leonard: Is that why they sent you to boarding school?
Sheldon: No, that was the result of my work with lasers.
Leonard: New neighbour?
Sheldon: Evidently.
Leonard: Significant improvement over the old neighbour.
Sheldon: Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is.
Penny: Oh, hi!
Leonard: Hi.
Sheldon: Hi.
Leonard: Hi.
Sheldon: Hi.
Penny: Hi?
Leonard: We dont mean to interrupt, we live across the hall.
Penny: Oh, thats nice.
Leonard: Oh uh no we dont live together um we live together but in separate,
heterosexual bedrooms.

Penny: Oh, okay, well, guess Im your new neighbour, Penny.

Leonard: Leonard, Sheldon.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hi.
Sheldon: Hi.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hi. Well, uh, oh, welcome to the building.
Penny: Thankyou, maybe we can have coffee sometime.
Leonard: Oh, great.
Penny: Great.
Sheldon: Great.
Leonard: Great. Well, bye.
Penny: Bye.
Sheldon: Bye.
Leonard: Bye.
Leonard: Should we have invited her for lunch?
Sheldon: No. Were going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica.
Leonard: We already watched the Season Two DVDs.
Sheldon: Not with commentary.
Leonard: I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her feel welcome.
Sheldon: We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over.
Leonard: Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace.
Leonard: Yes, and youve never met one of them.
Sheldon: Thats the beauty of it.
Leonard: Im going to invite her over. Well have a nice meal and chat.
Sheldon: Chat? We dont chat. At least not offline.
Leonard: Well its not difficult, you just listen to what she says and then you say
something appropriate in response.
Sheldon: To what end?
Leonard: Hi. Again.
Penny: Hi.
Sheldon: Hi.

Leonard: Hi.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Anyway, um. We brought home Indian food. And, um. I know that moving can
be stressful, and I find that when Im undergoing stress, that good food and company
can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is a natural laxative, and I dont have to tell you
that, uh, a clean colon is just one less thing to worry about.
Sheldon: Leonard, Im not expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon
invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.
Penny: Oh, youre inviting me over to eat?
Leonard: Uh, yes.
Penny: Oh, thats so nice, Id love to.
Leonard: Great.
Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Sheldon and Leonards apartment.
Leonard: Okay, well, make yourself at home.
Penny: Okay, thankyou.
Leonard: Youre very welcome.
Penny: This looks like some serious stuff, Leonard, did you do this?
Sheldon: Actually thats my work.
Penny: Wow.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, its just some quantum mechanics, with a little string theory
doodling around the edges. That part there, thats just a joke, its a spoof of the BourneOppenheimer approximation.
Penny: So youre like, one of those, beautiful mind genius guys.
Sheldon: Yeah.
Penny: This is really impressive.
Leonard: I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.
Penny: Holy smokes.
Sheldon: If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you
can find scribbled on the wall of any mens room at MIT, sure.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Oh, come on. Who hasnt seen this differential below here I sit broken
hearted?

Leonard: At least I didnt have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math
come out.
Sheldon: I didnt invent them, theyre there.
Leonard: In what universe?
Sheldon: In all of them, that is the point.
Penny: Uh, do you guys mind if I start?
Sheldon: Um, Penny, thats where I sit.
Penny: So, sit next to me.
Sheldon: No, I sit there.
Penny: Whats the difference?
Sheldon: Whats the difference?
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet
not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer its directly in the path of a cross
breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that
is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax
distortion, I could go on, but I think Ive made my point.
Penny: Do you want me to move?
Sheldon: Well.
Leonard: Just sit somewhere else.
Sheldon: Fine. (Wanders in circles, looking lost.)
Leonard: Sheldon, sit!
Sheldon: Aaah!
Leonard: Well this is nice. We dont have a lot of company over.
Sheldon: Thats not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time.
Leonard: Yes I now, but
Sheldon: Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning.
Leonard: Yes, I remember.
Sheldon: I resent you saying we dont have company.
Leonard: Im sorry.
Sheldon: That is an antisocial implication.
Leonard: I said Im sorry.
Penny: So, Klingon boggle?
Leonard: Yeah, its like regular boggle but, in Klingon. Thats probably enough about us,
tell us about you.

Penny: Um, me, okay, Im Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need
to know.
Sheldon: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the Suns
apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations and the time of your birth
somehow effects your personality.
Penny: Participate in the what?
Leonard: I think what Sheldons trying to say, is that Sagittarius wouldnt have been our
first guess.
Penny: Oh, yeah, a lot of people think Im a water sign. Okay, lets see, what else, oh, Im
a vegetarian, oh, except for fish, and the occasional steak, I love steak.
Sheldon: Thats interesting. Leonard cant process corn.
Leonard: Wu-uh, do you have some sort of a job?
Penny: Oh, yeah, Im a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: Oh, okay. I love cheesecake.
Sheldon: Youre lactose intolerant.
Leonard: I dont eat it, I just think its a good idea.
Penny: Oh, anyways, Im also writing a screenplay. Its about this sensitive girl who
comes to L.A. from Lincoln Nebraska to be an actress, and winds up a waitress at the
Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: So its based on your life?
Penny: No, Im from Omaha.
Leonard: Well, if that was a movie I would go see it.
Penny: I know, right? Okay, lets see, what else? Um, thats about it. Thats the story of
Penny.
Leonard: Well it sounds wonderful.
Penny: It was. Until I fell in love with a jerk.
Sheldon (mouths): Whats happening.
Leonard (mouths back): I dont know.
Penny: Oh God, you know, four years I lived with him, four years, thats like as long as
High School.
Sheldon: It took you four years to get through High School?
Leonard: Dont.
Penny: I just, I cant believe I trusted him.
Leonard: Should I say something? I feel like I should say something.
Sheldon: You? No, youll only make it worse.
Penny: You want to know the most pathetic part? Even though I hate his lying, cheating
guts, I still love him. Is that crazy?

Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: No, its not crazy its, uh, uh, its a paradox. And paradoxes are part of nature,
think about light. Now if you look at Huygens, light is a wave, as confirmed by the double
slit experiments, but then, along comes Albert Einstein and discovers that light behaves
like particles too. Well, I didnt make it worse.
Penny: Oh, Im so sorry, Im such a mess, and on top of everything else Im all gross from
moving and my stupid shower doesnt even work.
Leonard: Our shower works.
Penny: Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Its right down the hall.
Penny: Thanks. You guys are really sweet.
Sheldon: Well this is an interesting development.
Leonard: How so?
Sheldon: It has been some time since weve had a woman take her clothes off in our
apartment.
Leonard: Thats not true, remember at Thanksgiving my grandmother with Alzheimers
had that episode.
Sheldon: Point taken. It has been some time since weve had a woman take her clothes
off after which we didnt want to rip our eyes out.
Leonard: The worst part was watching her carve that turkey.
Sheldon: So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?
Leonard: Excuse me?
Sheldon: That woman in theres not going to have sex with you.
Leonard: Well Im not trying to have sex with her.
Sheldon: Oh, good. Then you wont be disappointed.
Leonard: What makes you think she wouldnt have sex with me, Im a male and shes a
female?
Sheldon: Yes, but not of the same species.
Leonard: Im not going to engage in hypotheticals here, Im just trying to be a good
neighbour.
Sheldon: Oh, of course.

Leonard: Thats not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop that I wouldnt
participate. However briefly.
Sheldon: Do you think this possibility will be helped or hindered when she discovers your
Luke Skywalker no-more-tears shampoo?
Leonard: Its Darth Vader shampoo. (There is a knock on the door.) Luke Skywalkers the
conditioner.
Howard: Wait till you see this.
Raj: Its fantastic. Unbelievable.
Leonard: See what?
Howard: Its a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974.
Leonard: This is not a good time.
Howard: Its before he became a creepy computer voice:.
Leonard: Thats great, you guys have to go.
Raj: Why?
Leonard: Its just not a good time.
Sheldon: Leonard has a lady over.
Howard: Yeah, right, your grandmother back in town?
Leonard: No. And shes not a lady, shes just a new neighbour.
Howard: Hang on, there really is a lady here?
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Howard: And you want us out because youre anticipating coitus?
Leonard: Im not anticipating coitus.
Howard: So shes available for coitus?
Leonard: Can we please stop saying coitus?
Sheldon: Technically that would be coitus interruptus.
Penny: Hey, is there a trick to getting it to switch from tub to shower. Oh. Hi, sorry. Hello!
Howard: Enchante Madamoiselle. Howard Wolowitz, Cal-Tech department of Applied
Physics. You may be familiar with some of my work, its currently orbiting Jupiters
largest moon taking high-resolution digital photographs.
Penny: Penny. I work at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: Come on, Ill show you the trick with the shower.
Howard: Bon douche.
Penny: Im sorry?
Howard: Its French for good shower. Its a sentiment I can express in six languages.
Leonard: Save it for your blog, Howard.

Howard: See-ka-tong-guay-jow.
Scene: In the bathroom.
Leonard: Uh, there it goes, it sticks, Im sorry.
Penny: Okay. Thanks.
Leonard: Youre welcome, oh, youre going to step right, okay, Ill.
Penny: Hey, Leonard?
Leonard: The hair products are Sheldons.
Penny: Um, okay. Can I ask you a favour.
Leonard: A favour? Sure, you can ask me a favour, I would do you a favour for you.
Penny: Its okay if you say no.
Leonard: Oh, Ill probably say yes.
Penny: Its just not the kind of thing you ask a guy youve just met.
Leonard: Wow.
Scene: Leonard and Sheldon, Inside Leonards car
Sheldon: I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.
Leonard: Must we?
Sheldon: Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B. We drive half
way across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned womans exboyfriend. Query, on what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between
these events?
Leonard: She asked me to do her a favour, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know
it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause.
Leonard: Which is?
Sheldon: You think with your penis.
Leonard: Thats a biological impossibility and you didnt have to come.
Sheldon: Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz try to hit on
Penny in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why cant she get her own TV.
Leonard: Come on, you know how it is with break-ups.
Sheldon: No I dont. And neither do you.
Leonard: Wuh, I, I broke up with Joyce Kim.
Sheldon: You did not break up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea.
Leonard: To mend her broken heart. This situation is much less complicated. Theres
some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the
TV. She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him.
Sheldon: So we get to have a scene with him?

Leonard: No, Sheldon, theres not going to be a scene. Theres two of us and one of him.
Sheldon: Leonard, the two of us cant even carry a TV.
Scene: Back at the apartment.
Penny (to Raj): So, you guys work with Leonard and Sheldon at the University?
(Raj looks at her, looks back at his food, takes a mouthful).
Penny: Uh, Im sorry, do you speak English?
Howard: Oh, he speaks English, he just cant speak to women.
Penny: Really, why?
Howard: Hes kind of a nerd. Juice box?
Scene: Outside Pennys old apartment building.
Leonard (pushes buzzer): Ill do the talking.
Voice from buzzer: Yeah.
Leonard: Hi, Im Leonard, this is Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: What did I just. Uh, were here to pick up Pennys TV.
Voice: Get lost.
Sheldon: Okay, thanks for your time.
Leonard: Were not going to give up just like that.
Sheldon: Leonard, the TV is in the building, weve been denied access to the building,
ergo we are done.
Leonard: Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been
able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang.
Sheldon: My apologies. Whats your plan.
(Leonard starts rattling the doors violently.)
Sheldon: Its just a privilege to watch your mind at work.
Leonard: Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360, we should be able to figure out how
to get into a stupid building.
(Two girl scouts arrive carrying bags of cookies. One runs her hand down the intercom,
pushing all the buttons. The door is buzzed open.)
Sheldon: What do you think their combined IQ is?
Leonard: Just grab the door.
Scene: Outside Pennys ex-boyfriends apartment.
Leonard: This is it. (Knocks.) Ill do the talking.
Sheldon: Good thinking, Ill just be the muscle.

Enormous man: Yeah?

Leonard: Im Leonard, this is Sheldon.
Sheldon: From the intercom.
Man: How the hell did you get in the building?
Leonard: Oh. Were scientists.
Sheldon: Tell him about our IQ.
Scene: Outside the apartment building. Leonard and Sheldon exit. They are not wearing
trousers.
Sheldon: Leonard.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: My mom bought me those pants.
Leonard: Im sorry.
Sheldon: Youre going to have to call her.
Scene: On the stairs of Sheldon and Leonards building.
Leonard: Sheldon, Im so sorry I dragged you through this.
Sheldon: Its okay. It wasnt my first pantsing, and it wont be my last.
Leonard: And you were right about my motives, I was hoping to establish a relationship
with Penny that might have some day led to sex.
Sheldon: Well you got me out of my pants.
Leonard: Anyway, Ive learned my lesson. Shes out of my league, Im done with her, Ive
got my work, one day Ill win the Nobel Prize and then Ill die alone.
Sheldon: Dont think like that, youre not going to die alone.
Leonard: Thank you Sheldon, youre a good friend.
Sheldon: And youre certainly not going to win a Nobel Prize.
Scene: Inside Sheldon and Leonards apartment.
Howard: This is one of my favourite places to kick back after a quest, they have a great
house ale.
Penny: Wow, cool tiger.
Howard: Yeah, Ive had him since level ten. His name is Buttons. Anyway, if you had your
own game character we could hang out, maybe go on a quest.
Penny: Uh, sounds interesting.
Howard: So youll think about it?
Penny: Oh, I dont think Ill be able to stop thinking about it.
Raj: Smooth.
Leonard: Were home.

Penny: Oh, my God, what happened?

Leonard: Well, your ex-boyfriend sends his regards and I think the rest is fairly selfexplanatory.
Penny: Im so sorry, I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldnt be such
an ass.
Leonard: No, it was a valid hypothesis.
Sheldon: That was a valid hypothesis? What is happening to you?
Penny: Really, thank you so much for going and trying youre, uh, youre so terrific. Why
dont you put some clothes on, Ill get my purse and dinner is on me, okay?
Leonard: Really? Great.
Sheldon: Thank you. Youre not done with her, are you?
Leonard: Our babies will be smart and beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.
Scene: All five in Leonards car.
Leonard: Is Thai food okay with you Penny?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: We cant have Thai food, we had Indian for lunch.
Penny: So?
Sheldon: Theyre both curry based cuisines.
Penny: So?
Sheldon: They would be gastronomically redundant. I can see were going to have to
spell out everything for this girl.
Penny: Any ideas Raj? (He just looks at her with a worried expression.)
Howard: Turn left on Lake Street and head up to Colorado. I know a wonderful little sushi
bar that has karaoke.
Penny: That sounds like fun.
Howard (sings): Baby, baby dont get hooked on me. Uh, baby, baby dont get hooked on
me.
Sheldon: I dont know what your odds are in the world as a whole, but as far as the
population of this car goes, youre a veritable Mack Daddy.
Written by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady