Season 1 | Episode 01 -- Pilot

Courtesy of SheldonFan.com

Scene 1 - Indeterminate Hallway Scene 2 - Apartment Building Stairs Scene 3 - Leonard and Sheldon's Apartment Scene 4 - Leonard and Sheldon's Apartment, Bathroom Scene 5 - Leonard's Car Scene 6 - Leonard and Sheldon's Apartment Scene 7 - Penny's Ex-Boyfriend's Apartment, Exterior Scene 8 - Penny's Ex-Boyfriends Apartment, Interior Hallway Scene 9 - Penny's Ex-Boyfriend's Apartment, Exterior Scene 10 - Leonard and Sheldon's Apartment Building, Staircase Scene 11 - Leonard and Sheldon's Apartment Scene 12 - Leonard's Car

Scene 1 - Indeterminate Hallway (Leonard and Sheldon walk down an indeterminate hallway.) Sheldon: So if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed, it will not go through both slits. If it's unobserved it will. However, if it's observed after it's left the plane but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits. Leonard: (shrugs) Agreed, whats your point? (Leonard opens door in hallway and the two slowly enter.) Sheldon: Theres no point, I just think its a good idea for a tee-shirt. (The pair enter, Sheldon closes door. They approach a receptionist who studies a crossword puzzle.) Leonard: Excuse me? Receptionist: (waves hand toward the pair) Hang on. (Several seconds pass before Leonard leans to look at the crossword puzzle.) Leonard: One across is Aegean. Eight down is Nabakov. Twenty-six across is MCM. Fourteen down is ... move your finger ... phylum, which makes fourteen across Port-au-Prince.... See? (pointing at crossword) Papa Docs capital idea--thats Port-au-Prince. (pauses uncomfortably) Haiti. Receptionist: Can I help you? Leonard: Yes. (Sheldon nods to Leonard) Um ... is this the ... high IQ sperm bank? Receptionist: If you have to ask maybe you shouldnt be here. Sheldon: I think this is the place. Receptionist: Fill these out. (Leonard accepts clipboards from the receptionist.) Leonard: Thank you. Well be right back. Receptionist: Oh, take your time. Ill just finish my crossword puzzle.... (looks at crossword) Oh wait. (Leonard and Sheldon sit and look over the forms.) Sheldon: Leonard, I dont think I can do this. Leonard: What, are you kidding? Youre a semi-pro.

Sheldon: No, we are committing genetic fraud. Theres no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring--think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers. Leonard: Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment? Sheldon: I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads ... but theres some poor woman who is going to pin her hopes on my sperm. What if she winds up with a toddler who doesnt know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve? Leonard: Im sure shell still love him-Sheldon: I wouldnt. Leonard: Well ... what do you want to do? Sheldon: I want to leave. Leonard: Okay. Sheldon: Whats the protocol for leaving? Leonard: I dont know--Ive never reneged on a proffer of sperm before. Sheldon: Lets try just walking out. Leonard: (quieter) Okay. (The duo glance at the receptionist to see if she is watching them. They discreetly place the clipboards on a wait-room table and rise from their seats, walking slowly toward the door.) Receptionist: (still looking at her paper) Bye! Leonard: (waving awkwardly) Bye-nice meeting you. Sheldon: (raising hand) Bye-bye.

Scene 2 - Apartment Building Stairs (Leonard and Sheldon walk up a flight of stairs at a new location.) Sheldon: Are you still mad about the sperm bank? Leonard: No. Sheldon: You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs? Leonard: Not really. Sheldon: If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimeters, most people will trip. Leonard: I dont care.... (voice rising then lowering) Two millime--that doesnt seem right. Sheldon: No, its true. I did a series of experiments when I was twelve. My father broke his clavicle. Leonard: Is that why they sent you to boarding school? Sheldon: No ... that was the result of my work with lasers. (The pair approach a door and Sheldon reaches into his pocket, apparently for keys. Leonard glances across the hall and notices a beautiful blonde woman through an open doorway. The guys step toward the middle of the hall, peering curiously.) Leonard: New neighbor? Sheldon: Evidently. Leonard: Significant improvement over the old neighbor. Sheldon: Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition? Yes, she is. Penny: (glancing at the men) Oh--hi! Leonard: Hi-Sheldon: Hi-Leonard: Hi-Sheldon: Hi. Woman: (perplexed) Hi? Leonard: We dont mean to interrupt. We live across the hall. Woman: Oh, thats nice.

Leonard: Oh-we-uh-no we dont live together-I mean. We live together but in separate (motioning hands away from one another) heterosexual bedrooms. Penny: (chuckling) Oh ... okay well. Guess Im your new neighbor. Penny. (Penny approaches the men who are now in the doorway.) Leonard: Leonard, (pointing) Sheldon. Penny: Hi. Leonard: Hi-Sheldon: Hi-Penny: Hi. Leonard: Hi. (nodding at floor) Well uh oh, welcome to the building. Penny: Aw, thank you. Maybe we can have coffee sometime. Leonard: Oh, great-Penny: Great-Sheldon: Great-Leonard: Great.... Well, uh bye. Penny: Bye. Sheldon: Bye. Leonard: Bye. (Penny closes the door to her apartment.) Leonard: Should we have invited her for lunch? Sheldon: (unlocking door to their apartment) No, were going to start season two of Battlestar Galactica. Leonard: We already watched the season two DVDs. Sheldon: Not with commentary. Leonard: I think we should be good neighbors. Invite her over, make her feel welcome. Sheldon: We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over. Leonard: Then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle.

Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on MySpace. Leonard: Yes, and youve never met one of them. Sheldon: Thats the beauty of it. Leonard: Im going to invite her over. Well have a nice meal and ... chat. Sheldon: Chat? We dont chat, at least not offline. (The pair move back into the stairwell hallway.) Leonard: Well, its not difficult. You just listen to what she says and then you say something appropriate in response. (Leonard knocks on Pennys door.) Sheldon: To what end? (Penny opens door.) Leonard: Hi ... again. Penny: Hi-Sheldon: Hi-Leonard: Hi-Penny: Hi. Leonard: Anyway, um.... We brought home Indian food? (holds food bag toward Penny's face) And, um.... I know that moving can be stressful, and ... and I find that when Im undergoing stress, that good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is a natural laxative and I dont have to tell you that, y'know, a clean colon is just (smiling broadly) one less thing to worry about. Sheldon: Leonard, Im no expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements. Penny: Oh, youre inviting me over to eat? Leonard: Um ... yes. Penny: Oh, thats so nice. Id love to. Leonard: Great. Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here? Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.

(Leonard glares at Sheldon. Sheldon hesitates, realizing his social misstep.)

[Series Title Sequence]

Scene 3 - Leonard and Sheldon's Apartment (Leonard, Penny, and Sheldon enter Leonard and Sheldon's apartment.) Leonard: Okay well, make yourself at home. Penny: Okay. Thank you. Leonard: Youre very welcome. (Sheldon makes a childish face at Leonard. Leonard glares back at him.) Penny: (approaching a whiteboard in the room) This looks like some serious stuff. Leonard, did you do this? Sheldon: Actually thats my work. Penny: (looking at the formulas) Wow. Sheldon: Yeah, well. Its just some quantum mechanics with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there? (pointing) Thats just a joke--its a spoof of the BourneOppenheimer approximation. Penny: (gawking) So youre like one of those, beautiful mind, genius guys. Sheldon: (proudly) Yeah. Penny: (nodding) This is really impressive. Leonard: I have a board. (tapping another whiteboard) If you like boards, this is my board. Penny: Holy smokes. Sheldon: If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any mens room at MIT, sure. Leonard: What? Sheldon: Oh, come on. (pointing at Leonard's whiteboard) Who hasnt seen this differential below here I sit broken hearted? Leonard: At least I didnt have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out. Sheldon: I didnt invent them. Theyre there. Leonard: In what universe? Sheldon: In all of them. That is the point. Penny: (seated on the left side of a couch) Uh, do you guys mind if I start? Sheldon: Um, Penny ... thats where I sit.

Penny: (Sweetly) So sit next to me. Sheldon: (pausing in contemplation) No, I sit there. Penny: Whats the difference? Sheldon: (Aghast) Whats the difference? Leonard: Here we go. Sheldon: In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer its directly in the path of a cross breeze created by opening windows there (pointing), and there (pointing again). It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion. I could go on, but ... I think Ive made my point. Penny: Do you want me to move? Sheldon: Well-Leonard: (at Sheldon) Just sit somewhere else. Sheldon: (nodding anxiously) Fine. (Sheldon circles the room in apparent contemplation and uncertainty.) Leonard: Sheldon sit! (Sheldon quickly but only partially seats himself on the right side of the couch.) Sheldon: (feigning comfort) Ah. Leonard: Well this is nice. We dont have a lot of company over. Sheldon: Thats not true. Koothrappali and Wolowitz come over all the time. Leonard: Yes I know, but-Sheldon: Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning-Leonard: (embarrassed) Yeah, I remember. Sheldon: I resent you saying we dont have company-Leonard: Im sorry. Sheldon: That has negative social implications-Leonard: I said Im sorry. Penny: So? (a little confused) Klingon boggle?

Leonard: Yeah, its like regular boggle but ... in Klingon. (conversation stalls) Thats probably enough about us. Tell us about you. Penny: Um, me? Okay. Im a Sagittarius. Which probably tells you way more than you need to know. Sheldon: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the Suns apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality. Penny: (very confused) Participate in the what? Leonard: (diplomatically) I think what Sheldons trying to say is that Sagittarius wouldnt have been our first guess. Penny: Oh, yeah, lot of people think Im a water sign. (Sheldon looks at Leonard, wanting to speak, but is motioned to stay quiet.) Okay, lets see, what else ... oh, Im a vegetarian. Except for fish, and the occasional steak--I love steak! Sheldon: Thats interesting. Leonard cant process corn. Leonard: W-uh-so.... Do you have some sort of a job? Penny: Oh, yeah. Im a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory. Leonard: Oh, I love cheesecake. Sheldon: Youre lactose intolerant. Leonard: I dont eat it. I just think its a good idea. Penny: Oh, anyways, Im also writing a screenplay. Its about this sensitive girl who comes to L.A. from Lincoln Nebraska to be an actress and winds up a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory. Leonard: So its based on your life? Penny: No, Im from Omaha. (Sheldon contemplates her, bewildered.) Leonard: Well, if that was a movie I would go see it. Penny: I know, right? Okay, lets see, what else? Um, guess ... thats about it. Thats the story of Penny. Leonard: Well it sounds wonderful. Penny: It was. (falling into tears and covering face) Until I fell in love with a jerk.

(Sheldon, now fully bewildered, silently mouths "what is happening?" to Leonard. He mouths "I don't know" in reply.) Penny: Oh God, you know, four years I lived with him. Four years! Thats like as long as high school! Sheldon: (aghast) It took you four years to get through High School? (Leonard shakes his head at Sheldon.) Penny: I just ... I cant believe I trusted him. (She rises walks toward the kitchen for a tissue. Sheldon quickly fills the vacuum she has created on the left side of the couch.) Leonard: (whispering to Sheldon) Should I say something? I feel like I should say something. Sheldon: (quietly) You? No, youll only make it worse. Penny: You want to know the most pathetic part? Even though I hate his lying, cheating guts? I still love him.... Is that crazy? Sheldon: (deadpan) Yes. Leonard: Nooo, its not crazy its, uh ... uh ... its a paradox. Paradoxes are part of nature. Think about light. Now if you look at Huygens, light is a wave as confirmed by the double slit experiments. But then, along comes Albert Einstein and discovers that light behaves like particles too. (she takes no comfort) Well, I didnt make it worse! Penny: Oh, Im so sorry Im such a mess, and on top of everything else Im all gross from moving and my stupid shower doesnt even work. Leonard: Our shower works. Penny: Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it? Sheldon: (to Penny) Yes-Leonard: (to Sheldon) No. Sheldon: (to Leonard) No? Leonard: (to Sheldon) No. Sheldon: (to Penny) No. Leonard: Its right down the hall. Penny: Thanks. You guys are really sweet. (She walks off toward the bathroom.)

Sheldon: Well, this is an interesting development. Leonard: How so? Sheldon: It has been some time since weve had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment. Leonard: Thats not true. Remember at Thanksgiving my grandmother with Alzheimers had that episode? Sheldon: Point taken. It has been some time since weve had a woman take her clothes off after which we didnt want to rip our eyes out. Leonard: The worst part was watching her carve that turkey. Sheldon: So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here? Leonard: Excuse me? Sheldon: That woman in theres not going to have sex with you. Leonard: Well Im not trying to have sex with her. Sheldon: Oh, good. Then you wont be disappointed. Leonard: What makes you think she wouldnt have sex with me? Im a male and shes a female. Sheldon: Yes, but not of the same species. Leonard: Im not going to engage in hypotheticals here. Im just trying to be a good neighbor. Sheldon: Oh! Of course. Leonard: Thats not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop that I wouldnt participate ... however briefly. Sheldon: Do you think this possibility will be helped or hindered when she discovers your LukeSkywalker-No-More-Tears shampoo? Leonard: Its Darth Vader shampoo. (someone knocks rapidly at the door) Luke Skywalkers the conditioner. (Leonard opens the door to Howard and Rajesh who promptly enter.) Howard: Wait till you see this-Rajesh: Its fantastic. Unbelievable. Leonard: See what?

(Howard places a DVD into the DVD player.) Howard: Its a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974. Leonard: This is not a good time. Howard: (flipping fingers across lips to simulate a computerized voice) Its before he became a creepy computer voice:. Leonard: Thats great--you guys have to go. Rajesh: Why? Leonard: Its just not a good time. Sheldon: Leonard has a lady over. Howard: (fiddling with TV remote) Yeah, right. Your grandmother back in town? Leonard: Nooo, and shes not a lady. Shes just a new neighbor. Howard: Hang on. There really is a (looking around) lady here? Leonard: Uh-huh. Howard: And you want us out because youre anticipating coitus? Leonard: Im not anticipating coitus-Howard: So shes available for coitus? Leonard: Can we please just stop saying coitus? Sheldon: (to Rajesh) Technically that would be coitus interruptus. (Rajesh nods in agreement with Sheldon. Penny enters donned in only a towel.) Penny: Hey, is there a trick to getting it to switch from tub to shower. (realizing others are present and slightly embarrassed) Oh. Hi, sorry. Hello! Howard: (bowing to Penny) Enchante Madamoiselle. (casually leans against wall) Howard Wolowitz, Cal-Tech department of Applied Physics. You may be familiar with some of my work. Its currently orbiting Jupiters largest moon taking high-resolution digital photographs. Penny: (with spunk) Penny. I work at the Cheesecake Factory. Leonard: Come on, Ill show you the trick with the shower. Howard: Bon douche. Penny: Huh? I'm .. Im sorry?

Howard: Its ... French for good shower. Its a sentiment I can express in six languages. Leonard: Save it for your blog, Howard. (Leonard and Penny walk toward the bathroom. Howard wishes her a "good shower" in Mandarin.)

Scene 4 - Leonard's Apartment Bathroom (Leonard leans into shower adjusting the nozzle pin. Water suddenly sprays from the shower head.) Leonard: Alright, there it goes. It sticks, Im sorry. Penny: (stepping inside shower) Okay. Thanks. Leonard: Youre welcome--oh youre going to step right--okay, Ill.... (attempts to leave hurriedly) Penny: Hey Leonard?-Leonard: The hair products are Sheldons. Penny: (chuckling) Okay. Um ... can I ask you a favor? (Penny's towel drops to the floor outside the shower.) Leonard: A favor? Sure, you can ask me a favor--I would do you a favor for you. Penny: Its okay if you say no. Leonard: Oh, Ill probably say yes. Penny: Its just not the kind of thing you ask a guy youve just met. Leonard: (to self while gazing at the ceiling) Wow.

Scene 5 - Leonard's Car (Leonard and Sheldon are in a moving car. Leonard drives.) Sheldon: I really think we should examine the chain of causality here. Leonard: Must we?-Sheldon: Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B. We drive half way across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned womans ex-boyfriend. Query? On what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events? Leonard: She asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon. Sheldon: Ah, yes, well--that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause. Leonard: Which is? Sheldon: You think with your penis. Leonard: Thats a biological impossibility and you didnt have to come. Sheldon: Oh, right, yes--I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic, and Farsi. Why cant she get her own TV? Leonard: Come on, you know how it is with break-ups? Sheldon: No I dont. And neither do you. Leonard: Bu-I I broke up with Joyce Kim. Sheldon: You did not break up with Joyce Kim. She defected to North Korea. Leonard: (defensively) To mend her broken heart. This situation is much less complicated. Theres some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV. She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him. Sheldon: So we get to have a scene with him? Leonard: No--Sheldon, theres not going to be a scene. Theres two of us and one of him. Sheldon: Leonard, the two of us cant even carry a TV.

Scene 6 - Leonard & Sheldon's Apartment (Rajesh eats while seated on the couch. Penny seats herself as well, sighing.) Penny: So, you guys work with Leonard and Sheldon at the University? (Rajesh looks down awkwardly to his food, ignoring her question he takes a mouthful). Penny: Ah, Im sorry. Do you speak English? Howard: Oh, he speaks English. He just cant speak to women. Penny: Really. Why? Howard: (seating himself on the arm of the nearby chair) Hes kind of a nerd. Juice box?

Scene 7 - Penny's Ex-Boyfriend's Apartment Building, Exterior (Leonard and Sheldon approach Penny's ex-boyfriend's apartment building. Leonard presses an intercom buzzer.) Leonard: Ill do the talking. Male voice through intercom: Yeah? Leonard: Uh hi, Im Leonard. This is Sheldon. Sheldon: Hello. Leonard: What did I just. Uh, were here to pick up Pennys TV. Male voice through intercom: Get lost. Sheldon: Okay. Thanks for your time. Leonard: Were not going to give up just like that. Sheldon: Leonard, the TV is in the building. Weve been denied access to the building, ergo we are done. Leonard: Excuse me. If I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang. Sheldon: My apologies. Whats your plan. (Leonard approaches the building doors and tugs slightly. After a moment, he shakes them wildly.) Sheldon: Its just a privilege to watch your mind at work. Leonard: Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360. We should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building. (A pair of girl scouts approach the building and promptly press all of the intercom buzzers. The door opens a moment later.) Sheldon: What do you think their combined IQ is?-Leonard: Just grab the door.

Scene 8 - Penny's Ex-Boyfriend's Apartment, Interior Hallway (Leonard and Sheldon approach an apartment door somewhere inside the building.) Leonard: This is it. (knocking) Ill do the talking. Sheldon: Good thinking. Ill just be the muscle. (The door opens and Penny's muscular ex-boyfriend, Kurt, steps forward.) Kurt: (annoyed) Yeah? Leonard: Im Leonard, this is Sheldon. Sheldon: From the intercom. Kurt: How the hell did you get in the building? Leonard: Oh ... were scientists. Sheldon: (almost in a whisper) Tell him about our IQ.

Scene 9 - Penny's Ex-Boyfriend's Apartment, Exterior (Leonard and Sheldon exit the apartment building. They no longer wear pants.) Sheldon: Leonard. Leonard: (annoyed) What?-Sheldon: My mom bought me those pants. Leonard: (frustrated) Im sorry. Sheldon: Youre going to have to call her.

Scene 10 - Leonard and Sheldon's Apartment Building, Staircase (Leonard and Sheldon climb the stairs of their own apartment building, still pant-less.) Leonard: Sheldon, Im so sorry I dragged you through this. Sheldon: Its okay. It wasnt my first pants-ing, and it wont be my last. Leonard: You were right about my motives. I was hoping to establish a relationship with Penny that might have some day led to sex. Sheldon: Well you got me out of my pants. Leonard: Anyway, Ive learned my lesson. Shes out of my league, Im done with her. Got my work, one day Ill win the Nobel Prize, and then Ill die alone. Sheldon: Dont think like that. Youre not going to die alone. Leonard: Thank you, Sheldon. Youre a good friend. Sheldon: And youre certainly not going to win a Nobel Prize.

Scene 11 - Leonard and Sheldon's Apartment (Howard is seated in front of a computer. Penny and Rajesh stand to either side of him, watching. He is playing World of Warcraft.) Howard: This is one of my favorite places to kick back after a quest. They have a great house ale. Penny: Wow, cool tiger. Howard: Yeah, Ive had him since level ten. His name is Buttons. Anyway, if you had your own ... game character we could hang out. Maybe go on a quest? Penny: Uh, sounds interesting. Howard: So youll think about it? Penny: (sarcastically patting Howard on the shoulder) Oh, I dont think Ill be able to stop thinking about it. Rajesh: (taunting) Smooth. (The apartment door opens and the pant-less pair enter.) Leonard: Were home. Penny: Oh ... my God. What happened? Leonard: Well, your ex-boyfriend sends his regards and I think the rest is fairly self-explanatory. Penny: Im so sorry. I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldnt be such an ass. Leonard: No, it was a valid hypothesis. Sheldon: That was a valid hypothe--what is happening to you? Penny: (hugging Leonard) Really, thank you so much for going and trying youre just ... (hugging Sheldon) ... uh, youre so terrific. Why dont you put some clothes on. Ill get my purse and dinner is on me. Okay? Leonard: Really? Great. Sheldon: Thank you. (Penny exits and Leonard watches her walk back to her apartment.) Sheldon: You're not done with her. Are you? Leonard: Our babies will be smart and beautiful. Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.

Scene 12 - Leonard's Car (Leonard drives a car with Howard, Penny, Rajesh, and Sheldon seated inside.) Leonard: Is Thai food okay with you Penny? Penny: Sure. Sheldon: We cant have Thai food. We had Indian for lunch. Penny: So? Sheldon: Theyre both curry based cuisines. Penny: So? Sheldon: They would be gastronomically redundant. I can see were going to have to spell out everything for this girl. Penny: Any ideas Raj? (Rajesh looks at her worriedly, but says nothing.) Howard: (suavely) Turn left on Lake Street and head up to Colorado. I know a wonderful little sushi bar that has karaoke. Penny: That sounds like fun. Howard: (singing) Baby, baby dont get hooked on me. Uuooh. Baby, baby dont get hooked on me ... Sheldon: (to Leonard) I dont know what your odds are in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes? Youre a veritable Mack Daddy. (Leonard smiles broadly at Sheldon's observation. The screen fades to black as Howard still sings.)

[End Credits Roll]