Trapped Quotes

“When in doubt, blame the dark elves.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“Lie down and offer your throat. No, wait, that's how dogs submit. I know! Offer her you're wallet!" Oberon”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“The grin on his face wasn’t the affable, friendly sort; instead, it was the sociopathic rictus of the irretrievably, bug-fuckeringly insane”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“They never predict anything fun," Granuaile answered. "Just once I'd like to hear a prophet tell someone, 'Thou shalt win a bitchin' Camaro on a game show.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“Druid log July 15: Dark elves are not only quick and efficient killers, but creative and pyrotechnically inclined ones.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“Atticus:"Damn it, Jim, I'm a Druid not a Physicist!”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“She didn't go all fangirl on anyone, but I suspect that's only because none of them bore the slightest resemblance to Nathan Fillion.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“its difficult to dislike a man who takes pleasure in giving away free beer.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“Atticus "What's this religion going to be called?"
Oberon "Poochism"
A:"and the name of this holy writ I will be typing for you?"
O:"The dead flea scrolls: A Sirius Prophecy.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“Not everyone can be bribed with meat, Oberon."
"They Can't? Oh! you mean they're vegetarian."
"No, they eat meat. It just doesn't sway their decision making process."
"Well that... that's just wrong, Atticus!Are they Monsters? It's like they have no moral center!”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“In Battle, as in charity, it is better to give than to receive.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“When there's blood involved, you always use every advantage you have to make sure it's theirs that spills and not yours. If you want to feel guilty about taking unfair advantage afterward, you go ahead and feel that shit. But live to feel it.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“Poison?" she (Granuaile)said,"I hope it isn't iocane powder.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“Atticus "three kinds of cat shit, Oberon."
Oberon "and an arrogant family of squirrels.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“Granuaile:"So why don't cult leaders achieve godhood?"
Atticus:" Because they're megalomaniacs drenched in douche juice.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“... we banked around until we found a rainbow in the dark. It was on this occasion that I discovered that Granuaile had never heard of Ronnie James Dio. My shock at this news was such that I almost completely missed the fact that we were traveling on Bifrost, the rainbow bridge to Asgard.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“Atticus:"I found it difficult not to grin like a geek at a Trekkie convention.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“Careful with that ego, you could knock somebody over." Atticus”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“Falling in love is like that: you always feel like a dumbass at some point, even if you know it‘s coming — it‘s unavoidable.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“when you thumb your nose at the laws of physics like you've been doing, the universe tends to get you back through biology." Atticus”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“I think every creature near enough to hear that just pooped" Oberon said, "And then it went into hiding. Hunting tip number one:Stay Silent.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“Oberon:"She's a very clever girl, the kind you dont' take home to Ogma.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“come humans, fulfill your evolutionary purpose adn build your hound a fire." Oberon”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“The allure of unthinking animal bliss is powerful; it always calls to us, in the same way as the edge of a cliff or the waves of the ocean: Jump. It is a necessary part of our natures, full of delight and danger in equal measure. Yet to the mind trained in language, taught to spy subtleties and take joy in them, such crude, baser matters can pale after a while. But there lies grave peril also: The propensity to empathize with pain expressed in words encourages a poet to avoid the real thing, and a too-passionate love of books can mew one in a cloister, putting up walls where there should be free range. I decided long ago—to keep myself sane amongst the illiterate and unthinking—that there would be poetry in my life. But there would also be fucking. I would have them both, but follow the sage advice of modern beer commercials and enjoy responsibly.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“They need to get a good PR guy.” “What’s a PR guy?” “They’re kind of like the old Greek sophists who played with words until you believed up was down. PR guys get paid to make people believe that a pile of shit is an investment in soil fertility. Professional liars.” “Ah!” Manannan’s expression lit with comprehension. “They are politicians?” “No, they’re smarter and less pretty. They advise politicians.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“There ye go again,” my archdruid said. “Using your colon instead of yer brain. Ye believe yer thinkin’ because yer workin’ hard, but all yer doin’ is squeezin’ out shit.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“Hence the reason I encourage you to believe what you wish. The heaven of teh Pastafarians is supposed to have beer volcanoes, which sounds like a fantastic idea to me. Imagine eruptions of a mellow chocolaty stout. There might be all-you-can-eat hot wings."~Atticus”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“You must be thinking of stories from other cultures. Irish women tend to kick ass and do whatever they want. For exhibits A, B, and C, I give you the Morrigan, Brighid, and Flidais.

Fair enough. So who's the god of cooking among the Tuatha De Danann?

I don't think there is one.

So the ancient Irish had a god of brewing but not cooking?

We had our priorities straight.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“But there was no going back to that idyllic time when only one god wanted to kill me.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“Grody is in the eye of the beholder.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped