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The Royal Navy is in its most pathetic state since the Dutch fleet sailed up the River Medway in 1667. None of our six attack submarines (pictured) are at sea.

I feel I have trapped myself and my descendants in perpetuity hell. I own a timeshare at Cameron House on Loch Lomond. I am responsible for paying spiralling unaffordable fees.

No one can say that the Labour Government isn't even-handed. It is showing as much concern for vulnerable children as it is for pensioners. Which is to say, very little.

Despite having always been of the view that most men are decent and that charges of sexism and misogyny levied against them by feminists are exaggerated, I now sadly question that belief.

The first TUC conference I attended was in Brighton in 1978. Labour Prime Minister Jim Callaghan enraged union leaders by going back on a pledge to call an election , which he would probably have won.

It is not his fault, as he often points out, that he has been in the public eye since birth. He didn't ask to be born into the House of Windsor or paraded on the hospital steps when he was barely a day old

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Strictly Come Dancing returns to our television screens on Saturday - sadly minus that firm audience favourite, ­ Giovanni Pernice.

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I want you to think about the children. I want you to remember those children dying in the English Channel just four days ago, because we are in danger of getting hardened to the horror.

Much of my schooling involved learning things by heart. And that is where they still are, in my heart. Ask me what eight nines are and I can answer in a flash without thinking.

Sir Keir Starmer has decided to bet the house on Kamala Harris. Last week it emerged the Prime Minister has despatched his polling guru Deborah Mattinson to the United States.

As Year 7s filed into our strict local state school this week, I realised they were right to look scared. Secondary school is not, as we are often told, the happiest time of our life, but the most stressful.

Is there anything that Ozempic can't do?Earlier this month, research suggested the appetite-suppressing injection, known as semaglutide, could help people live longer.

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Nadiya Hussain should have been on cloud nine. She'd made the final of The Great British Bake Off and was on the brink of a win that would catapult her to fame and fortune.

Like Elle Macpherson - who went against doctors' advice when she was diagnosed with breast cancer - my sister Alison also refused conventional medicine in favour of a natural approach.

While Keir Starmer talks about 're-imagining' the NHS, medical researchers have discovered a novel method for reducing recovery times:Send in the clowns.

Fast-paced and dynamic, it's as popular as ever. But the undoubted benefits - teamwork, stamina, discipline - are increasingly being set against emerging health risks.

School has started again and, as luck would have it, I immediately bumped into Louis, the handsome French dad, kissing his two well-dressed and adorable kids goodbye.

Like most of us, if only on a ­subconscious level, I thought sexual assault was something that happened to younger women - those who'd had their drink spiked, perhaps.

It seems clear Sir Keir and the Chancellor, Rachel Reeves are pushing through their most painful measures so as to get the worst out of the way while they can still blame the Tories.

When Colin From Accounts was launched on BBC2 last April, it quickly became a hit. As the second series lands on BBC iPlayer, here's everything you need to know...

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KIERAN GILL: The weathered sign by Jadon Sancho's old family flat on the Guinness Trust Buildings estate on Kennington Park Road is unequivocal. 'No Ball Games,' it orders.

This invidious disease is notoriously difficult to diagnose; you can't screen for it, there are often no early symptoms - and by the time there are, the cancer is usually advanced.

If you don't want to be caught off-guard, it's a very good idea to be alert for any subtle or hidden warning signs that your husband might be further along in the process than you realise.

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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW BY CHARLOTTE DALY: Immense pressure, high expectations and scrutiny have followed his every move, from the moment he first laced up his gloves.

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Seeing those pictures Eamonn Holmes, 64, and his new lover Katie Alexander, 42, at the airport made me wonder. What is it the glamorous double divorcee gets out of this relationship?

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Where to move to in Spain? We've spoken to property experts and estate agents to reveal the best towns, villages and cities for Brits, based on house prices, transport, amenities and more.

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Forget roasts and puddings, sausage rolls and afternoon tea. Because when it comes to Britain's true gift to global gastronomy, it has to be the magnificent crisp.

As a former secretary of state for health, Norman Fowler thought he was knowledgeable enough to recognise instantly if he was ­having a heart attack.

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Strictly Come Dancing returns to our television screens on Saturday - sadly minus that firm audience favourite, ­ Giovanni Pernice.

I drove to visit ­wildflower meadows in May. The car park for it requires you to use the RingGo payment app. I tried 3 times and failed so parked elsewhere- but now I've got a £100 fine.

At a party this summer, I was greeted by a finger-wagging acquaintance.I expected a dressing down for some sin on these pages. Instead, I was berated for still being at my keyboard - at 75

Does the fall in sales of cosmetics disprove the once reliable lipstick index? Or are shoppers merely choosing skincare and perfume (like YSL's Libre, promoted by Dua Lipa, pictured) instead?

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Down and down I went, into a concrete ­stairwell, four-and-a-half flights below ground. The sunlit sky above soon became a miniature rectangle over me, until I stood facing a steel blue door.

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Why are so many young people developing bowel cancer ? It's a question that scientists around the world are grappling to understand - and those scientists include me.

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It's a bombshell claim: ultra-processed food is responsible for the surge of cancer cases among young people, according to a recent study. But could your cosmetics be as bad?

I'm a great fan of people ­getting their teeth fixed - like Johnny Depp. . I know how much better it can make you feel about yourself. When I was in my late teens, my teeth suddenly started to move.

I'm grandmother to six gorgeous children and it's unbearable for me to think of the desperately lonely summer millions of grandparents will have had after being banned from seeing grandchildren.

For the big defence companies in the UK, Europe, and the United States, it is bonanza time. We asked experts to identify defence-related stocks investors should consider.

A bowel cancer treatment that gives hope to people with the same aggressive form that hit Dame Deborah James has been approved for use on the NHS.

Michel Barnier, who has just been appointed prime minister of France, has long observed a touching tradition when he visits his family estate.

Hurrying along the icy platform to catch the night express to a city that no longer exists (Leningrad, in this case), I suddenly caught a whiff of one of the most evocative, nostalgic perfumes in the world...

I'm not at all surprised the stunningly beautiful Australian model, Elle Macpherson, kept her diagnosis of breast cancer a secret for seven years.

We sat round an old tree in the churchyard, scattered her ashes and said goodbye. It was a small gathering, just my three boys, my wife and me.

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RICHARD EDEN: The reunion of Oasis stars Noel and Liam Gallagher has led to calls for William and Harry to 'get the band back together'. But those hoping for a reconciliation overlook two key factors.

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It all began with a girly chat at Soho's exclusive Groucho club. Singer Lily Allen was regaling me with stories about her new-found fondness for Barry's Bootcamp.

A low-carb diet can help shed the kilos, but it is also brilliant for maintaining your ideal weight in the long term. Here are some recipes that will give you an idea of how delicious this way of eating can be.

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As Rebecca Bradford - or Dr Rebecca Bradford, as she can now be called - walked onto the platform to accept her degree in medicine, there was no proud parent clapping her on.

I'm in a lot of pain with a frozen shoulder. My GP said it could last up to three years and there's little that can be done other than physio and pain-relieving cream. Is there anything else?

Losing a friend can be just as painful as losing a lover. It's natural that these relationships come and go, dying from lack of contact or distance or even for more serious reasons such as disagreements.

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Hanging in the front room of Peggy Gallagher's three-bed semi in Burnage, south Manchester, is a black and white photograph of three young boys with their mother.

The chickens are coming home to roost more quickly and in greater numbers in the brave new world of Labour Britain than looked likely when Keir Starmer won his landslide victory.

'I still haven't decided what I'm wearing to my wedding,' I lamented to a friend as we sunbathed in the park. 'Your what?' she replied, hand on my arm with concern.

The warring Gallagher brothers may, finally, have buried the hatchet. But as Oasis announce their sensational comeback tour, there's one feud that's yet to be resolved: mine with Liam and Noel.

How do you tell your boyfriend you can never have sex with him, your body too damaged from cancer treatment you had years before you met? This is the situation I found myself in two years ago.

From control pants that pull in your tummy to tights that perk up your bottom and full-body underwear that compresses thighs and arms, the popularity of shapewear is booming.

SIMON JORDAN: A theme of this transfer window has been Scott McTominay , Conor Gallagher and other graduates heading for the exit. To those complaining, I get the whiff of double-standards.

In Sex And The City, Carrie and her girlfriends meet up to discuss the men causing havoc in their lives. When I hang out with my single friends, we swap stories about the miseries of dating apps instead.

You know something's very wrong when Waitrose is accused of pulling a fast one. But earlier this month the middle class favourite was caught stealthily reducing the size of its toilet rolls.

From Wolf Hall's long-awaited final act to a riotous Jilly Cooper romp, Tim Oglethorpe unveils the upcoming television treats you won't want to miss...

Sexsomnia is a medically recognised, but rare, sleep disorder which can cause a person to engage in sexual acts in their sleep while appearing to be awake and consenting.

Caring for hard floors is not straightforward. But now Dyson claims to have a solution. This month, the manufacturer launched its first hard-floor cleaner: a £599.99 electric mop.

Sir Keir Starmer turned up in Berlin yesterday to tell German Chancellor Olaf Scholz that his Government wants to 'turn a corner on Brexit' and fix Britain's relations with the European Union.

Alright, enough now. It's one thing for Keir Starmer to frame the tough road ahead. It's legitimate for him to attempt to lay the blame for the country's ills at the doors of his opponents.

Taking off to warmer climes for a late break or eking out the last rays in Britain? Be aware that your normal cosmetic creams and supplements may interact negatively with sunshine.

JEFF POWELL: One club has started none at all in both their opening Premier games of the 2024-25 campaign. Unbelievably, that dubious distinction has been foisted on grand old Wolves.

Pavel Durov was home alone when the heavies came calling in 2011. He had refused to remove opposition politicians' accounts from his site VKontakte and the Kremlin had lost patience.

For many first-time buyers, the dream of owning their own home seems out of reach. But there are vibrant UK cities which offer the best chance of taking a step on to the property ladder.

It is now blindingly obvious to all bar the Chancellor of the Exchequer Rachel Reeves - that a monumental howler has been committed.

If you have ever bought a property, you'll know that finding a place at the right price is just where your problems begin. Estate agents though are clued-up on what businesses impress buyers.

One in eight Brits 'exist in a state of constant exhaustion', and a quarter feel tired most of the time, says a recent survey. But when does fatigue become a medical matter? And what can you do about it?

ANDREW NEIL: A brazen mixture of flannel, flummery and falsehood. Starmer has no blueprint

Keir Starmer claims the condition of the nation is so utterly grim that it will take Labour 10 years to 'fix the foundations' (the latest buzz phrase emanating from 10 Downing Street). Fair enough. There's certainly a lot wrong with Britain, some of it the fault of the last Tory government, some of it common to most major western societies. There's only one rather formidable problem. Starmer has nothing remotely resembling a blueprint for fixing Britain. He did not offer one during the election. Nor did he unveil one during yesterday's remarks from the Downing Street Rose Garden, which was largely a regurgitation of his dullish stump speech delivered countless times during the campaign. Somebody should tell him the election is over. Time to stop talking and start doing, even governing.

Our new Prime Minister summoned reporters to the Downing Street garden to hear a short speech that effectively said: 'I'm in charge now and the first few years are going to be dreadful.'

Seventeen-year-old Conner Robinson was proud to have paid for his first car by himself and was raring to hit the road after he passed his driving test three weeks ago.

I care for my husband who has multiple sclerosis and early onset dementia. I applied to the Department for Work and Pensions for carer's allowance on February 1 but have not received a penny.

A frightening number of extra-marital affairs begin in the workplace, and it's hardly surprising when many of us spend more time at work ­ than we do at home.

Keir Starmer's official spokesman has attacked the 'culture of presenteeism', the disease of working in the office that can be cured by working from home.

When radio presenter Iain Dale was rushed into the emergency department at Tunbridge Wells Hospital in July, he was told he'd need to undergo an invasive surgery as soon as possible.

I'm 80 and I take erectile dysfunction drug tadalafil. However, within 30 seconds of sex, I have a sneezing fit. It can often be violent and lasts for a whole minute. What could be the cause?

So-called 'reality shifting' has exploded in popularity over the past few years, with TikTokers claiming they can create and visit other realities at will. But what are the supposed benefits?

Strings of pearls, headscarves knotted under the chin, chunky bag charms; no, this is not a checklist of accessories your granny used to wear, but a roll call of the trends amongst the fashion crowd

Everyone has a cunning 'travel tip' or two up their sleeves. All well and good (if they actually work). But the bottom line for most is: how can I save money on my holiday?

She told me recently that my anxiety about her future makes her feel anxious herself. That I am too often attempting to sort her life out so that it fits my idea of a successful one.

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The day my only daughter, Juliet, got married was always going to be emotional. And yes, I did weep, but they were not tears of joy but of horror and sadness.

If you're looking for something to keep you entertained on TV this weekend, look no further as our critics have picked out the 20 must-watch shows On Demand you won't want to miss.

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