Considering a hickey is really just a bruise created by someone sucking on your skin so hard that it becomes discolored, it’s a wonder that the hickey has become as synonymous with passionate making out as it has. But weird behind-the-scenes science aside, it tracks. A hickey is like post sex glow, but for making out! Like many things you first hear about in middle school (dry humping, hand jobs, etc.), hickies might’ve gotten more play as you were younger but they’re still noteworthy even as an adult.
A hickey is a statement! Sure, you can cover it up with a turtleneck or some concealer, but the whole allure of a hickey is leaving a temporary mark on your lover as a reminder of the hot and heavy passion between the both of you recently.
And while you may have heard of hickies referred to as “love bites” sometimes, there’s actually no biting involved in giving or getting a hickey. Sure, you can incorporate some light biting or nibbling, but getting the textbook image of a lil mark on someone’s neck involves suction that causes small blood vessels to burst — you’re not actually drawing blood through the skin with your teeth.
How to give a hickey, in the most basic sense:
- Get your partner’s consent. A hickey requires effort to cover it up, so if they’re not down to don a turtleneck in hot weather or slather on a whole stick of concealer every day for their daily Zoom work check in to cover it up, refrain.
- While making out, suck on your partner’s neck, creating a bit of suction with your lips so it feels like a vacuum.
- Step back and admire your work.
Now that you’ve got the actual DIY down, here’s some more context on the hickey, the history behind the word, advanced variations (if you and your partner are so inclined), and more. Read on for Hickey 101.
Some history:
The word “hickey” didn’t enter the English language until 1934, explains Jill McDevitt, PhD, resident sexologist at CalExotics, although the act was around way before then—even being mentioned as something to avoid unless you wanted to punish your partner in the Kama Sutra. But nowadays, hickeys are more often given as a point of pride rather than a punishment.
How does a hickey happen? By using your lips as suction, they become like a vacuum, which bursts the small capillaries under your skin, releasing blood and creating a bruise, McDevitt explains.
Where can you give or get a hickey?
While the most common spot you might see or get a hickey is on your neck, you could technically give one anywhere—including your partner’s genitals. Intimacy coach Shasta Townsend once discovered penis hickeys accidentally, and since incorporating them into her sex life regularly, she says her partner would walk through fire for a penis hickey. Your mileage may vary, of course, so talk it over with your partner first, but if you’re curious: It’s similar to a neck hickey. You simply suck on the head of their penis, placing the head right against the tip of your mouth, create a seal, and suck (no bobbing up and down, you wanna stay in one place) until after they’ve orgasmed. Townsend says that not only are penis hickeys more uncommon, but it’s also a cool feeling to feel so powerful afterward as the giver.
Private hickeys, like penis hickeys or ones on your chest, breasts, or belly, can also act as a sort of sexual souvenir, explains McDevitt. “Long after the sexual encounter is over, the marks remind you of it,” she says.
As for a visible hickey on your neck, it’s basically a bruise laden with all sorts of sexual connotations. If you’re in the throes of a passionate back-row theater make-out with someone you’re proud to be macking on publicly, you might want a hickey to flaunt your love. You don’t care who sees—in fact, you kind of want them to. But it can also be a source of embarrassment. Say you drunkenly hook up with someone who overdoes it and marks up your neck higher than any of your turtlenecks can reach right before a big meeting. Plus, due to slut shaming, a woman sporting a fresh boning bruise can feel even more of a need to frantically find a way to hide her hickey, lest she be mocked or judged for doing something sexual (hello, high school).
“In some cases, having a hickey is more stigmatizing for adult women, as it’s viewed as an outcome of high school– or college-based sexual activity,” says Jessica O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast. “I’ve heard people comment that a hickey is unprofessional (for women), which is interesting considering people arrive at work with all sorts of bruises—from sports, workplace injuries, and even bar brawls—yet we’re more likely to judge the woman who was kissed passionately. Go figure.”
If some hot date-night kisses turn into a string of deep purplish blotches on your neck in the morning, don’t stress about it! They may not be your favorite look of all time, but they’re nothing to actually be ashamed of. Sure, you might get some stares if you wear a different scarf around the office every day for a week in May, as I have unfortunately learned, but so what? You got smooched and you had fun—everyone else can deal with it and/or secretly be a little jealous. If hickeys are your thing, go forth and suction away!
How-to:
Giving a hickey:
1. Since you have no idea if the hickey receiver, or “hickee,” wants a hickey somewhere that’s super visible (or at all), you should definitely ask before you plant one on.
2. If your partner is into the idea but also wants some hiding ability, aim below their neck—a hickey around their collarbone or on their chest is one thousand times easier to cover up. Otherwise, dealer’s choice.
3. Form your mouth into an O shape, press your lips on your partner’s skin, and suck on the skin for a few seconds, going for 20 to 30 seconds if you really want to leave a dark mark for whatever reason. Obviously, consent still applies here—if your partner is suddenly worried it’ll be too dark or just hates the feeling, stop!
4. The risks of hickeys being harmful are quite low, but it’s still technically possible to die from one. “According to research, it is possible for hickeys to be dangerous if the pressure is applied over the carotid arteries,” says O’Reilly. Too much pressure could injure the blood vessel wall and lead to a smaller clot that could clog an artery and cause a stroke. One recent case was a 17-year-old boy having a stroke from a hickey, but it is considered an extremely rare occurrence.
Getting rid of or hiding a hickey:
1. A “cold compress can reduce swelling in the early stages and may encourage coagulation of blood to reduce spread,” says O’Reilly.
2. To cover it up, O’Reilly also recommends using your regular concealer and applying with a wet sponge or beauty blender. For more tips, there are plenty of YouTube tutorials.
3. And as for those tricks where you rub the hickey with a toothbrush/coin/spoon? Some people swear by them, and if you’re really in a bind, it doesn’t hurt to try, but just know that none of them are scientifically proven to work. Experts are wary about weighing in on the effectiveness. “The damaged blood vessels need to recover, and that comes with rest and time,” says sexologist Eric M. Garrison.
Variations:
Hickeys can be done on many parts of the body, but the most common are the neck and chest areas. A hickey’s healing time “depends on where it is located—the more vascular the area, the longer it will last,” says Rachel Needle, PsyD, codirector of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes. Blood leaking out of broken capillaries causes the bluish discoloration, so simply put: The more veins there are to break, the lengthier the healing time. Yet another reason to avoid the neck if you’re at all worried about having a conspicuous hickey for too long!
Related terms:
Hickey in popular culture:
While it’s fairly rare to see celebs strutting with matching hickeys, Kendall Jenner and Anwar Hadid did just that. Part of the fun is that no one actually knows if they’re officially dating—the proof is in the bruising (maybe?).
As previously mentioned, hickeys can also be a source of shame, especially in the fraught world of high school gossip circles. Glee, for instance, has a moment when Quinn’s hickey is an almost giveaway for her hookup with Finn, so she blames it on a curling iron:
In Moonstruck, Cher’s love bite reveals her affair with her boyfriend’s estranged brother and she’s told to “cover up that damn thing, put some makeup on it,” the hickey being seen as a symbol of her “life going down the toilet.”
But perhaps the most iconic hickey-related line in entertainment history comes from Grease:
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