Being a single woman – the specificity of choosing new social role

Paprzycka Emilia, Being a single woman – the specificity of choosing new social role, [w:] Wiele twarzy kobiety – „ona” w tekstach nie tylko medycznych, (red.) Dziemianko Z, Bury A, Poznań - Instytut Naukowo-Wydawniczy Maiuscula, 2011, s. 253-277 Emilia Paprzycka Being a single woman – the specificity of choosing new social role Introduction There are usually two subcategories mentioned in definitions of single women. These are: (1) women who were once married – widows and divorcees, (2) women who have never been married. They are females of different ages, childless, living alone or with others, ‘not having an exclusive intimate relationship’1. Women from subcategory two, i.e. the ones who, for different reasons, did not make the decision about getting married and who already exceeded the age traditionally regarded as suitable for it are the subject of the following article. The demographic analyses show that the number of women in this subcategory started to grow in Poland at the turn of 20th and 21st century. A particular attention has been drawn, both in the social discourse and in still very few Polish studies on single people, to the increasing number of well-off, professionally active women who exceeded the age socially connected with getting married2. The conclusion drawn from the analyses of communities of single people is that women from the highest social stratums are the most numerous group in the community of people ‘threatened’ with permanent singlehood. The article focuses on women in this category. In its first part demographic, structural and social background for the growing number of women living without a partner will be described. In the second part the findings of the research will be presented. The definition of a single life in the context of its advantages and disadvantages, the reasons for being single and 1 A. Byrne, Single Women in Ireland: A Re-Examination of the Sociological Evidence, [w:] A. Byrne, M. Leonard (red.), Women and Irish Society: A Sociological Reader, Belfast 1997, s. 415-30; A. Byrne, Developing a Sociological Model for Researching Women’s Self and Social Identities, [w:] “The European Journal of Women’s Studies”, 2003 , vol. 10 (4), s. 443-464; T. Gordon , Single Women, [w:] G. Griffi, R. Braidotti (red.), Thinking Differently: A Reader in European Women’s studien, London, New York 2002, s. 49-62; Houseknecht S., Vaughan S., Stratham A., The Impact of singlehood on the Career Patterns of Professional Women, [w:] “Journal of Marriage and Family”, n.49/1987, s. 353-366. 2 These days women most frequently get married at the age of 25 to 29. 1 the specific character of choosing this alternative form of marital and family life by the interviewed women will be characterized in the order mentioned above. Finally, the specific character of being a single woman from the perspective of taking on and creating a new social role will be shown. 1. The demographic and structural background of growing number of single women 1.1. Demographic background The following factors are mentioned among demographic determinants influencing the size and dynamics of groups of unmarried people: the age at which people get married for the first time, the number of contracted marriages, the ratio of already married people in the age cohort and finally unbalanced proportion of sexes in a population3. The structural determinants of mating process inside the groups determined by structure are also of great importance. The analysis of these determinants in the context of increasing number of single women is going to be presented as well in the text below. Observations of matrimonial behaviour based on changes in population structure according to matrimonial status confirm the occurrence of tendency to lower the intensity of contracting marriages and to temporise the decision about their contracting in Poland since the 1990s 4. The decrease in the number of marriages was noticed in the age groups of 20 to 24 and 30 to 39 year olds. The increase was observed only in the age group of 25 to 30 year olds. The analyses of the process of contracting marriages indicate that these are especially women who tend to put off their decision about getting married5. Steady decrease in the number of marriages was noticed in all age groups along with postponing the decision about the first marriage from the age of 22 in the 90s to the age of 2529 for women and 30-34 for men6. On the basis of observations of women’s matrimonial behaviour it can be concluded that the percentage of women who get married has declined. There was 19% of single women compared to 62,8% of married women at the end of 20 th century whereas at the beginning of the 21st century there was 23,7% of single women and 3 J. Hajnal , European Marriage Patterns in Perspective, [w:] P.V. Glass, D.E.C. Eversley (red.), Population in History, Essays in Historical Demography, London 1965, s. 101-143; R. Dixon, Late Marriage and Non-Marriage as Demographic Responses: Are they Similar?, [w:] Population Studies, 1978, vol 32, nr 3, 449-466; G. Hernes, Proces of Entry into first Marriage, [w:] “American Sociological Review”, 1972, vol. 37, nr 2, s. 173-182; za: K. Tymicki, Starokawalerstwo i staropanieństwo. Analiza zjawiska , [w:] “Studia socjologiczne”, nr 4 (163)/2001, s. 78-106. 4 K. Slany , Alternatywne formy życia małżeńsko rodzinnego w ponowoczesnym wiecie, Kraków 2002, s. 86. 5 M. Podgrodzka, Bezrobocie a proces zawierania małżeństw w ujęciu przestrzennym w Polsce w latach 1990-1998, [w:] „Studia Demograficzne”, 2003, nr 2/144, s. 99-119. 6 K. Slany, op.cit., s. 92. 2 55,6% of married women7. This model is typical for West European countries8. The increase in the number of unmarried women in Poland is easily observable especially in the older age cohorts 9. In the age cohort of 20 to 24 the number was doubled in the last 30 years of the 20 th century (from 36% in 1970 to 73% in 2000). In the age cohort of 25 to 34 the number was tripled (from 6% in 1970 to 22% in 2000)10. Postponement of the decision about getting married is accompanied by the declining number of available partners. This situation is referred to as particularly unfavourable for women because the choice of partners for women is decreasing whereas the one for men is increasing along with getting older 11. Another factor mentioned as essential for the growing number of single women is unbalanced proportion of sexes in a population. The proportion of unmarried people in a population is clearly connected with the number of potential partners who can be married. Although there is a definite surplus of women in the Polish population, feminization factor amounted to 106,5 for the total population and respectively 110 in cities and 101 in the country at the beginning of the 21st century, it is hard to say if this surplus has a considerable impact on the growing number of young, single women. However, this female quantitative superiority occurs only in the older age groups. In younger generations, that is among people who are the most interested in finding a partner or getting married, both in the cities and in the country, there is a slightly higher number of men. This situation changes to women’s disadvantage only after they turn 43 for the whole population. It is much earlier in the cities – at the age of 35, and much later in the country – at the age of 5612. Thus, this factor may become of any importance only with reference to women older than 35 living in the cities and older than 56 living in the country. The fact that in the population of unmarried people the number of single men is higher than this of single women – 55,7% for men and 44,3% for women 13, seems to prove the minor significance of this factor. Therefore the growing number of single women should be rather attributed to limitations which are of a social character and 7 Raport z Narodowego Spisu Powszechnego Ludności i Mieszkań, Strona Centrum Edukacji Obywatelskiej http://www.ceo.org.pl/portal/doc_mp?docId=36572 , stan na 30 maj 2010. 8 T. Szlendak, Leniwe maskotki, rekiny na smyczy. W co kultura konsumpcyjna przemieniła mężczyzn i kobiety, Warszawa 2005, s.65-70. 9 Raport: Ludność według płci i wieku w 2003 roku http://www.stat.gov.pl/cps/rde/xbcr/gus/PUBL_raport_z_wynikow_nsp_ludnosci_i_mieszkan_2002.pdf , stan na 30 maj 2010. 10 T. Szlendak…, op.cit. s. 69. 11 This situation has its justification in the socially preferred tendency to marrying an older man. This tendency is also supported by intercultural studies which conclude that in case of 37 countries and cultures women preferred men who were on average 3,5 years older than them and men preferred women who were about 2,6 years younger. D.M. Buss, Human Mate Selection, “American Scientist”, 1989, vol.72, nr1, s. 47-51. 12 Raport: Ludność według płci…, op.cit. 13 Raport z Narodowego Spisu…,op.cit. 3 are important in the mating process. It is not about the quantity as much as the ‘quality’ of partners available14. 1.2.Structural determinants Demographic factors form only certain background for matrimonial market. There exist some other limitations in connection with the dynamics and the size of single people’s community namely structural determinants of mating process especially the phenomenon of marital homogamy. This phenomenon associates getting married with the limitations imposed by the structure and social stratification through defining the pool of potential partners 15 . The strongest homogamy, choice of a partner of similar social characteristics such as profession, educational or social background, concerns the one relating to the level of education and the social status16. The categories of education and social status constitute impenetrable barriers on significantly limiting availability of potential partners17 on the matrimonial market. In case of well-educated women this barrier is reinforced by their tendency to hypergamy, preference of marrying men of at least the same social status. Taking under consideration the fact that in Poland there are more women (10,4%) than men (9,3%) with higher education, among the population of people with higher education there are 45,6% of women and 38,9% of men18, there is often a shortage of suitable partners. It is connected with the fact that these women lower their requirements concerning partner’s qualities unwillingly. They prefer remaining single to marrying a partner who is not at least of the same educational and social status as they are 19. Analyses of unmarried people communities show clearly the significance of structural determinants. They conclude that the highest number of women threatened by permanent singlehood is placed in the upper part of the social structure. Single men, however, are located at its lower end 20. 14 There is also a surplus of men in the age groups threatened by permanent singlehood. At the age of 30-34 every 4th man and every 7th woman are not married. At the age of 35-39 the same situation concerns every 5th man and every 11th woman. In the single people’s community at the age of 30-34 men make up 6,1% and women 4,2% and respectively at the age of 3539 it is 4,4% for men and 2,8% for women. Raport z Narodowego Spisu…,op.cit. 15 H. Domański, Zbieżno ć pozycji społecznej małżonków a rekompozycja systemu uwarstwienia, [w:] „Studia Socjologiczne”, 2001, nr 1, s. 7-32, Z. Welon, A. Szklarska, T. Bielicki, Wybór partnera do małżeństwa ze względu na wykształcenie w Polsce w latach 1946-1985, [w:] „Studia Demograficzne”, nr 2/1999, s. 141-161; K. Tymicki, op.cit. 16 H. Domański , op.cit.s. 7-32. A detailed analysis of structural determinants of matrimonial selection can be found in Kacprowicz’s work. G.Kacprowicz, Małżeństwo a struktura społeczna w Polsce, Warszawa 1989. 18 Raport z Narodowego Spisu…,op.cit. 19 K. Tymicki, op.cit. s.83. 20 A detailed analysis of more than 35-year-old bachelors’ and spinsters’ communities is included in the Tymicki’s work for which 46 thousand people from the whole Poland were researched. Ibidem. s. 78-106. 17 4 2. Social context of living as a single woman Is leading a single life a choice or a necessity for young women? It seems to me that it is both at the same time. It is a situation between a choice and a necessity. Contemporary young women try to set their own targets somewhere in between the rules of free market and requirements of traditional culture, which say that every ‘normal’ woman must have a child before the age of 25 and that you need to sacrifice your ambitions and plans in the name of your family. They experience double pressure. On one hand there is a culture driven matrimonial scenario. On the other hand there are requirements of present-day reality which is a result of cultural changes 21 . Confrontation with these contradictory demands may lead to the situation in which women may choose to stay single instead of being in a relationship which does not meet their expectations. They may also be forced to live alone because ‘ there is no one to choose from’. High requirements for a partner22, postponing the decision about getting married connected with a prolonging period of education23, being socially active or isolated, being used to solitude or independence24 and the specific character of a lifestyle imposed by working among professionally active women 25 are the most often mentioned by the subject literature social reasons for the growing number of single women. Researchers stress as well the impact of the change in women’s expectations for a model of relationship, their tendency to idealise love and the need for freedom and independence26. Factors such as young women’s nonconformist attitude towards traditional expectations as for a female role are also pointed at27. The authors dealing with the subject also stress the meaning of availability of new life models determined by such goals as getting proper education, job and financial independence for choosing a single life. All of the factors mentioned above cause the change in ‘female’ life priorities28. The meaning of changes in girls’ upbringing is also noticed. They are mainly about cultivating mental abilities, self21 A. Graff , wiat bez kobiet. Płeć w polskim życiu publicznym, Warszawa 2001, s.58. 22 Z. Welon, A. Szklarska, T. Bielicki, op.cit. s. 158. B.D. Whitehead, Why there are no good men left. The Romantic Plight of the New Single Woman, New York 2003. 23 24 A. Byrne, Familist Ideologies and Difficult Identities ,[w:] Cohen M., Curtin N. (red.), Reclaiming Gender: Transgressive Identities in Modern Ireland, New York, 1999, s. 69-90; M. Matlin, The Psychology of Women, New York 1996, s. 180-192. 25 S. A. Hewlett, Creating a Life: Professional Women and the Quest for Children, New York 2002, s.104. J. Czernecka, Cechy idealnego partnera i idealnego związku w opinii polskich singli i singielek, [w:] E. Malinowska (red.), Polskie społeczeństwo patriarchalne w procesie zmian, Łódź 2009, s. 123-139. 27 T. Gordon T., Single Women ,[w:] G. Griffi, R. Braidotti (red.), Thinking Differently: A Reader in European Women’s studien, London, New York 2002, s. 49-62; S.A. Hewlett, op.cit. s.97. 26 28 B. Łaciak, Aspiracje i plany na przyszło ć młodych kobiet, [w:] M. Fuszara (red.) Kobiety w Polsce na przełomie wieków. Nowy kontrakt płci?, Warszawa 2001, s. 147-173. 5 development and rivalry, the qualities which prepare one for functioning in competitive society and which facilitate reaching successive stages in the educational process and development of professional career at the same time. The pressure applied on women concerns learning in the first place and getting married only after completing education29. Parents first subscribe to the rule that completing the educational process is the most important because it will guarantee financial independence to their daughters. Only after the process has been completed the pressure on finding a husband starts being put. Thus, young women take up tasks which are difficult and rewarded with social esteem first. Marriage seems to be an easy and accessible task (everybody has got someone) and because of that not a prestigious one, therefore it is on the ‘for later’ list of tasks. What also matters is the social change for better in attitude towards single women. In our times ‘noticing’ the role of a single woman can be talked about. This positive image has been ‘transferred’ to Poland by media from the Western societies. The new representation of an unmarried woman’s role is so called urban single for whom marriage is not the matter of economic compulsion or social pressure but her own choice. Two versions can be distinguished within this new pattern of an unmarried woman’s role presented in the pop culture. The first one, showing women focused on their professional career who do not need and do not want a husband, can be named feminist because it assumes a total independence from a man30. The other one representing women who do not need but want a husband. It is difficult for them, however, to find one because of their high expectations. This pattern can be called postfeminist. These women’s dreams about an ideal husband and making their sense of happiness depend on it coexist with high aspirations and requirement for oneself, the world and men, which are all ‘products’ of feminism31. It is worth stressing, however, that this ‘alternative form of spinsterhood’ as we may call leading a single life, is available only to well-educated, economically independent women living in big cities. 3. Theoretical and methodological assumptions. Research execution The results presented in this article are a fragment of wider qualitative research carried out in order to create a portrait of single women. Among other the research looked for the answer to the following question: What is women’s experience of living a single life like? 29 B.D. Whitehead , op.cit. s. 79. L. Hoggard., Sobiepanny - co się nie podoba?, [w:] “Forum” , 2004, nr 7, s. 28-30; K. Jacobson-Kowalska, Stan cywilny: wolne. Znaki szczególneŚ apetyt na życie, [w:] „Elle”, 1996, n.2, s.12-28. 31 A. Gromkowska, Kobieco ć w kulturze globalnej. Rekonstrukcje i reprezentacje, Poznań 2002, s.175. 30 6 The research findings related to three particular problems have been presented in this text: how do single women interpret and define the situation of leading single life? What is their attitude to single life – is it a choice or a necessity? What is their attitude to the role of a single woman, how do they define and perform it? The research procedure defined singlehood as an objective physical state characterised by not cohabitating – single living viewed as voluntary or involuntary, temporary or permanent life situation32. Biographical method and autobiographical-narrative interview technique were used to collect data. The source of data concerning single women’s course of life were the accounts of women experiencing the situation themselves. These accounts were created during interviews on this specific topic. The data were interpreted on the basis of the analysis of meanings, which according to the theoretical assumptions, come from interaction. The basic category for the analysis was symbolic interaction which includes interpretation and definition. The analysis of the researched women’s attitude towards single life was made by means of combining Stein’s 33 and Hoorn’s 34 conceptualisations. Constructing original typology was based on the assumptions of typology which takes into account the change of attitude to being single during a lifetime35 and also the one in which the choice of this lifestyle in longer perspective and the attitude towards singlehood 36 were the differentiating criterion. Accepting and creating the role of a single woman from the perspective of Łoś’s37 typology of an individual’s attitude towards social roles were also made the subject of the analyses. 32 J. Gajda, Samotno ć i kultura, Warszawa 1987, s.34.; P. Stein, Single Life, Unmarried Adults in Social Context, New York 1981, s.144. 33 P. Stein, op.cit. 146-158. 34 W.D. Hoorn, Glad to Live Alone or Happier Together, European Population Conference, The Hague 1999, www.nidi.nl/public/demos/dem00031.html., stan na 6 luty 2007 rok. 35 By choosing as criteria the duration (temporary and permanent) and the type of choice (voluntary and involuntary) the author indicates the following categories of singles: voluntary and temporary, voluntary and permanent, involuntary and temporary, involuntary and permanent. P. Stein, op.cit. 146-158. 36 The types enabling to determine the attitude towards single life in the future were distinguished here: the longing type – people who do not choose a single life, craving for a partner, having a critical attitude to singlehood, the ambivalent type – having a positive attitude towards a single life but craving for a partner at the same time, the regretful type – wanting to live alone but having a negative attitude to a single life, the satisfied type – having a positive attitude to a single life and wanting to spend it on their own. W.D. Hoorn, op.cit. 37 The author suggests the following types of an individual’s attitude to a role: (1) adaptation to a role (identification with it, imprinting it, growing into it, making it a fetish or an autonomous entity), (2) manipulation of a role, (3) negation of a role, (4) creation of a role. M. Łoś M., Role społeczne w nowej roli, [w:] I. Machaj (red.), Małe struktury społeczne, Lublin 1998, s.38-43. 7 20 women living in big and middle-sized cities such as Warsaw, Poznan, Szczecin, Wrocław, Toruń and Zielona Góra were invited to take part in the research38. Theoretical matching criteria were used to select researched women 39 . Women not having a permanent heterosexual partner, not having been married before, childless, living alone, having a university degree and living in big and middle-sized cities. The selection criteria were determined with reference to the type of a single woman functioning in social discourse and often referred to as a city single stereotype. The decision about the number of researched women was made on the basis of so called theoretical sample saturation criterion40. 4. The characteristics of the researched women The interviews were conducted with women aged 30 to 35. All of them had higher education degree, 5 out of 20 had two degrees. Six women completed postgraduate studies. Three of them were in the process of writing their PhD theses. Eight women were employed in two places simultaneously. Eight of them began working while still studying. The average amount of their working hours ranged from 45 to 60 hours a week including weekends in many cases, i.e. 9 to 12 hours a day. If we refer to one of the criteria of informal division into social stratums41 i.e. monthly income, the researched women can be described as representatives of lower middle class (5 of them) and proper middle class (15 women) 42. All of them ran single-person households, 16 had their own flats, 3 rented an accommodation, one owned a house. The shortest period of living a single life amounted to a year and a half, the longest to 7 years. The largest number of women had lived alone for 6 years. Three of them had never been in a relationship. 5. Being a single woman – the characteristics of choosing a new social role 5.1. Defining a single life – alone but not lonely Living alone for the researched women means living independently and neither having a permanent matrimonial or family relationship nor cohabitating. Their definitions of single 38 The research was conducted in 2004 . 39 I. H. Helling, Metoda badań biograficznych, [w:] J. Włodarek , M. Ziółkowski (red.) Metoda biograficzna w socjologii, Warszawa 1990, s. 13-37. 40 B.G. Glaser, A. L. Strauss, The Discovery of Grounded Theory. Strategies of Qualitative Research, Chicago 1967, s.61. 41 W. Markiewicz, Raport Polityki: Gra w klasy, czyli jak się dzieli polskie społeczeństwo, [w:] „Polityka”, 2004, nr 21, s. 3-10. 42 Lower middle class – monthly net income of 900PLN to 2500PLN, proper middle class – monthly net income above 2500PLN to 7500PLN. Ibidem, s. 8. 8 life correspond with the definition of solitude as an objective state which may but does not have to awake the feeling of missing desired social contacts43. In their opinion being single does not equal being lonely any more. They claim that loneliness may but does not have to appear in a single life situation: I’m alone but not lonely. I’m just living alone at the moment and I don’t have a partner. Loneliness concerns people who don’t have friends and family (…) but not having a man you can go to bed with or a husband, that is my independent life, doesn’t make me a lonely person (Joanna). Leading a single life is a bit different from being lonely because living alone doesn’t mean we are lonely (Lena). There is a fundamental difference between being single and being lonely because for example you can be single in reality which means you can live alone but you can be lonely even if you are with someone (Ewa T.). I don’t feel lonely. I can get lonely from time to time but I feel single (Eliza). Loneliness is also regarded as a stage following being single by some of the researched women. In this sense it is connected with age and prolonged single life. Definitions of a single life given by the researched women reflect specific ambivalence: I like it although I’m not entirely sure whether I like it (Eliza). It is not easy (Agnieszka W.). It is not bad (Ewa T.). It has its advantages and disadvantages just as being in a relationship (Paulina). It’s pleasant and burdensome at the same time (Joanna). It’s more unconstrained, more convenient, easier and more difficult at the same time for two different reasons. It’s easier because it doesn’t require compromises the way living with somebody else does, it’s simply more comfortable. On the other hand it’s more mentally difficult especially in the situation of some kind of crisis e.g. professional, emotional, personal or family crisis, not to mention health crisis. In these situations you have to do everything on your own which is far from being convenient (Ula). Independence in decision making, spending your free time and money the way you want, being responsible only for yourself, possibility of making choices concerning your own life without considering others, focusing on yourself and your own development are mentioned as factors both encouraging for and discouraging from singlehood. They are interpreted by the researched women in the categories of facilitation as well as impediment. Most of the researched women claim that single living has many drawbacks although it makes daily existence easier. Among the disadvantages of such living they list lack of a 43 C. Curtona, Transition to college. Loneliness and the process of social adjustment, [w:] L. Psplau, D. Perlman (red.), Loneliness: A sourcebook of current theory, research and therapy, New York 1982, s. 291-309. 9 close person you can rely on in everyday life, apprehension about the future in case of sickness and job loss, no perspectives for starting one’s own family and having children, shortage of warmth, closeness and tenderness, unsatisfying sexual life, day-to-day life impediments so called ‘technical details’, which means activities requiring physical strength or technical skills e.g. small repairs at home or taking care of the car. The initial stage of organizing one’s life as a single person is regarded especially inconvenient and difficult. Many of the researched seem to notice ‘the inconvenience’ of living a single life only occasionally e.g. during holidays, family celebrations or time off work. The bad side of single life is also having to cope with a negative, stereotypical social image of a single woman, which is not neutral to their own estimation of a single life. They frequently feel treated as ‘second category’ women or even discriminated only because they do not have a husband44: No matter if you live alone because you choose to or because you’re forced to, if you feel good about it or not, you are still considered a poor thing, especially women are regarded as people of lower category or losers of some kind and it is difficult to get up and say, ’hey, get off my back because I’m not a sufferer or as miserable as you think I am’ during every lunch break (Anna W.). Everybody around thinks that there is something wrong with me because I’m single that I must have some kind of a flaw (Agata). When I meet new people I often hear, ‘How is it possible that you’re single?’ and there is usually double meaning in it – she must be either weird or fussy (Agnieszka). I feel discriminated because I’m not married. Sometimes people treat me as a freak and think that I’m incomplete or easy or that I sleep around or maybe that I don’t want to do it and that’s why nobody wants me (Joanna). All of the researched women define both loneliness and the single life in a similar way. Being single has positive aspects first of all as a temporary situation experienced in youth or early adulthood. From a long-term perspective living without a partner has a more negative dimension. Positive or negative interpretation of being single seems to be conditional in case of most researched women. It depends on the specific character of the single life, its stage, duration and age at which it is experienced, as well as on some social factors. The most meaningful of them is the attitude of the people from the closest milieu. The contexts essential 44 On the basis of some of the statements it can be concluded that some of the interviewed women experience so called singlism – discrimination, prejudices against and stereotypical perception of single people, which recently has been the subject of study for some American and also Polish researchers: B.M. De Paulo, W.L. Morris, Singles in society and Science, [w:] “Psychological Inquiry”, nr 16/2005, s.36-42; J. Czernecka, Polski singiel: obraz w mediach a autowizerunek, [ w:] E. . Malinowska (red.), Stereotypy a rzeczywisto ć n przykładzie wybranych kategorii społecznych, Lódź 2008, s.107134. 10 for the evaluation of living a single life by the researched women has been presented in the chart below. Scheme 1. Contexts of positive and negative evaluation of being a single woman Social factors:         Characteristic of the single life:  Friends Acquainted singles Success in professional career Positive evaluation of the single life   Family one comes from Married people Colleagues   Positive image of single women in media Relatives and acquaintances  Negative evaluation of the single life   Younger age Short period of being single Choosing the single life Perceiving the state of being single as a temporary one Older age Long period of being single Compultion to live the single live Perceiving the state of being single as a permanent one Source: my own research 11 5.2. The reasons for being a single woman If we consider the single life through the prism of reasons, in the aspect of people’s beliefs that it is externally conditioned, the following conditionings can be distinguished: situational – objective, social or personal – connected with the existence of permanent psychological disposition 45. Among the reasons for being single mentioned by the researched women there were those of social, psychological and objective nature. The reasons for being single mentioned by the researched women, which can be qualified as social in nature, include: lack of suitable candidates, unreasonable requirements concerning a partner, women’s education level and intelligence, greater awareness and unwillingness to play imposed and still traditional female roles, financial independence and the need for professional development, negative experience in relationships with men, previous unsatisfactory relationships, change of expectations towards the model of relationship, satisfaction derived from the single life and lack of experience in relationships. Among the reasons for leading a single life pointed out by the researched women which could be qualified as psychological ones there are: having personality traits which make being in a relationship difficult (e.g. difficulty in forming and maintaining close bonds, egoism and pedantry), the need for independence and self-development, having got used to living alone (solitary habits), satisfaction drawn from a single life. The reasons listed by the researched women which can be recognized as objective in nature include: lack of single men in their close milieu (experienced by the researched after turning 28), lack of time connected with involvement in their professional career or education, trying to reach satisfactory material status, missing the right moment / time for finding a partner. Statements of the researched women illustrating the indicated reasons for their single life can be found below. 45 A. Vaux, Social and emotional loneliness: The role of social and personal characteristics, [w:] “Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin”, 1988, 14 (4), s. 728. 12 Matrix 1. The reasons for being a single woman The reasons for being single according to the researched women Statements of the researched Social conditionings Lack of suitable candidates I always find the type of men who are emotionally immature and impractical, messed up wishywashy blokes. I’m really unlucky as I only meet this kind. (Violetta). Unreasonable requirements concerning a partner I realise that I have high requirements but I just can’t relax them (Anna W.). I’m looking for a man who rather doesn’t exist. He should be, first of all, inteligent and practical. He must be able to dominate over me but not with his physical strength but his intelligence. Besides I would like him to be responsible, crazy and not boring. He should have a sense of humour and be simply normal. Plus I must love him and like him. He can’t be too easily available because if that happens I lose interest in a man (Ewa O.). Women’s education level and intelligence He told me that I was too intelligent and that it is nice to spend time with intelligent women but nobody marries them (Violetta). If a man talks rubbish and I know it I explain the subject to him immediately and no man can stand it. At least I don’t know such men. And pretending to be a half-wit to make a man feel better and stop him from running away is much more than I can do. I prefer to be alone (Agata). Unwillingness to play traditional female roles I would like to be with someone but on the other hand I’m afraid of that because now i f I don’t feel like cooking, doing shopping or cleaning I simply don’t do it. I’m rarely at home so that I don’t have to look at the mess I have there.(Ewa O.). I know that it would be difficult for a man to accept the fact that he hasto clean after himself or wash his own clothes but in this respect he couldn’t count on me. I will not be a cleaner or a washer – never. (Anna C). Women’s financial independence and the need for professional development Making your way up is not easy and nobody makes i t any easier for me but I can’t imagine any other possibility. I invested in myself too much, I demanded too much from myself and set the standards too high to accept lowering them for e.g. family. I just can’t do that.(Olga). Negative experience in the relationships with men I have had affairs with married men. They said how much they loved their wives lying in bed next to me. That made me not want to get married ever. (Anna W.). I’m pretty fed up with men and I absolutely don’t feel like bickering with them (Agata). Negative experience from previous relationships He changed his mind at least three times. First he wanted to marry me, a week later he didn’t and then he wanted it again. When the wedding day was coming he said, ’I think I don’t love you.’ If somebody says such things 4 months before the wedding it’s a kind of shock (Lena). It is much better to withdraw than to keep being in a toxic relationship or arrangement we don’t really enjoy. It is naïve to believe that the man will change.(Ewelina). Previous unsatisfactory relationships. I couldn’t be with him because he let me dominate and it caused all of his good characteristics lose their appeal.(Ula), Change of expectations towards the model of relationship I just want it all. I want independence, possibility to develop professionally and I want a man who is close and can be my shelter and support too.(Ewa O.). Lack of experience in relationships I have never been in a longer relationship with a man. I have had some passing acquaintances. I have never been really interested in it. I take my single life for a standard but I can’t say that this solitary life is my dream for ever.(Agnieszka A.). Psychological conditionings Having personality traits which make being in a relationship difficult I’m a pedant and I’m always angry when somebody touches my staff, doesn’t put things back where they belong or that something is messy, not tidied the way it should be(…). I’ve been alone for too long and I can’t imagine a situation that I let a man into my home for good (Renata). 13 The need of independence I can’t imagine the kind of life when somebody imposes something on me (Anna C.). I know that emotional relationship is important but on the other hand I would have to give up so many things. What about my scuba-diving or gliding? I can’t imagine being with each other 24 hours a day. I would go crazy. I don’t know what this coupled life would look like. I like my independence and if I were to have a partner we would have to live next door (Agata). Having been used to the single life I have that impression that my single existence has changed my awareness and I’m afraid that if I meet somebody interesting I will flee because if you’re alone for a long time, it’s getting harder and harder to accept the possibility of being with someone (Ula). Drawing satisfaction form living alone As for now I think it’s better to live alone and that’s why I’m on ‘emotional holidays’ (Agata). Objective conditionings Lack of interesting available men Now when I meet a nice guy he is either married or gay and the rest of them is just hopeless. Maybe there are some great men out there but how to find the right person in the right place at the right time? (Olga), Missing the proper time for finding a partner It’s all about finding a guy at the right moment. I always laughed at girls who started studies in order to find a husband or at least it was one of the reasons for studying but it turns out that this period of time is really favourable for such quest (Olga). Lack of time related to the necessity of gaining financial independence or professional development Finding and keeping a job was the most important for me. Then I wanted to achieve certain position at work and earn enough to buy a flat (Agnieszka A.).I took any jobs. I didn’t think about whether I can do it or not if I’m afraid or if it was difficult. If I could earn some money I did it. I didn’t consider things connected with it, if I had to commute or not. I had some financial obligations, my flat and its decoration so I took every job.(Ewa). Until this year I have worked a lot (…) I didn’t have time for my personal life (Violetta). Source: my own research 5.3. Typology of single women – specificity of choosing a single life In the case of the researched women it is really difficult to talk about clear-cut choice of a single life. Although there are women who postpone the decision about getting married and being in a relationship among them, being single is not regarded by them in the categories of a choice. They interpret it as the consequence of other choices or external circumstances, which they perceive as external conditionings of this situation, rather than their conscious life strategy: It’s a question of choice, it’s a question of bad choices (Agnieszka). It rather is the consequence of some other choices e.g. we choose our career and so it happens (Ewa). Sometimes we make wrong decisions at the wrong time. Sometimes somebody else makes these decisions for us (Paulina). I don’t think that anybody can make a conscious decision about living alone. A person may decide not to live in a given relationship for different reasons but I don’t believe that anybody could have no desire to be with a person who fulfills their requirements and expectations (Ewelina). Involuntary and voluntary singlehood can be differentiated on the basis of controlling and accepting it. As for duration there is short-term or temporary singlehood and long-term 14 one 46. If we relate the above differentiation to the single lives of the interviewed women and apply Stein’s and Hoorn’s typology we will be able to recognise 4 types of attitude towards being single among the researched. 1. Involuntary temporary longing single woman – this is the category including women who want to have a partner and although they do not feel lonely they have a critical attitude towards single life. In this group there are women who either have not been single for a long time (a year and a half) or have never been in a longer relationship. 2. Involuntary temporary ambivalent single woman – this category includes women who have a positive attitude towards single life but who want to have a partner at the same time. The ambivalence shows in declaring dislike for living a single life permanently with simultaneous enthusiasm for independence, being used to the single life and worrying about possible living with a partner. This is the most numerous type among the researched women. These women who have been alone for usually 4 to 6 years and previously had few-year-long relationships belong to this group. Most of them had been engaged before and made the decision about getting married, which they later withdrawn from. 3. Voluntary temporary regretful single woman – this group includes the kind of women who want to be temporarily alone but have a negative attitude towards being single. This approach was shown first of all by the women who have been single for a relatively short period of time (for 2 years) and have ended a really unsuccessful relationship recently. 4. Voluntary temporary satisfied single woman – these women evaluate their single life positively and accept the possibility of keeping on living this way in the future. They associate living in a relationship with limiting their highly valued independence, and therefore, it is difficult for them to make a decision about entering a steady relationship. The women who, in comparison to the others, have been single for the longest period of time (6-7 years or have not been in a regular relationship at all) and have been the least experienced in relationships with men. 46 C. Curtona, op.cit., s. 296. 15 The biggest number of the researched women belong to the group of involuntary, temporary ambivalent singles, which means that most of the interviewed regard the single life as an involuntary situation, assume its temporary character, have a positive attitude towards it but want to have a partner at the same time. The opinions of the researched females characteristic for this type are presented in the matrix below. Matrix 2. Typology of attitude towards being a single woman Involuntary temporary single: My single life is not entirely my choice and I don’t think it should stay this way (Agnieszka). Longing Ambivalent Living alone is generally crummy. You need to deal with everything on your own. You have nobody to count on. It is not so simple to rely only on yourself constantlyf. There is no special close person you can lean on in case you need it. You can count on your friends and best friends in difficult situations but it’s not the same as having a steady partner (…). I have a lot of friends, my best friends, parents and in this sense I’m not lonely. This number of people is enough for me but the fact that I don’t have a partner that I’m not loved makes me feel sad (Aneta). I’m alone and I feel good about it but I also know that I wouldn’t like to be alone for the rest of my life (Agnieszka W.). I really like this kind of life. It is rewarding in many ways. I feel happy but I would like to meet somebody, fall in love and feel fulfilled in this area as well (Ewa O.). I would gladly give up part of my independence in favour of a relationship with a nice bloke. But I’m able to give up only a part not all of it (Paulina),I’m really fine on my own although I know how good it may be in a relationship and that’s why if I had a choice, I would choose being with somebody (Ewa). Voluntary temporary single: I feel fine with it right now but this is not my idea of life till it ends (Lena). Regretful Satisfied Right now I don’t feel like having a relationship although being single may be burdensome especially in some moments in life such as holidays, New Year’s Eve, time off at work when not having a partner troubles me (…) I would exchange my singlehood for a successful relationship but later. For now it suits me that I’m single although I often feel bad about it. (Lena). I’m satisfied with my life and I don’t exaggerate. The fact that I have a house, a car ,a good job and I’m well-educated make me find my life fulfilling even though I’m not anybody’s wife or mother (Ewelina). I’m really happy that my life didn’t go the predictable way i.e. school, work, wedding, two children. I really enjoy my life and if anything interesting happens in my love life then I’ll be glad but if it doesn’t it’s fine for me as well (Anna W.). Sources: my own research 6. Being a single woman – adapting to and constructing a new social role 6.1. Adapting to and constructing the role of a single woman 16 The social role of a single woman is less verbalised and institutionalised than other female social roles such as those of a wife and a mother. Preparation for playing this role is not intentional because it is ‘useless’ role from a perspective of social order. Nevertheless, the patterns of performing it are commonly known and function as a spinster stereotype or an urban single image widespread by mass media. Therefore, it seems to be interesting to recognise the process of taking on and ‘creating’ the role of a single woman as untypical role – alternative to the traditionally established female roles. Accepting and creating the role depends largely on an individual person’s attitude to it. All of the researched women negate the role of a single woman in the form defined by the spinster stereotype. Their understanding of the term ‘spinster’ corresponds with the stereotypical definition of this role and first of all is associated with a woman who is frustrated because she is unmarried and who is troubled by her loneliness: My boss is a real spinster. She is 37 and she’s frustrated because she doesn’t have a husband. She can behave in a really eccentric way and she gets into her strange moods, plus she has a very negative attitude to pregnant women. The way I see it is that she is simply jealous. She would like to have a normal life like everybody else, which means a husband and children but she doesn’t so she gets mad that it doesn’t come out the way she would like to. You should think that she would be happy because she’s well-educated, she underwent legal training in court, but that’s not enough for her. She doesn’t have a husband and that’s what matters to her and causes total frustration (Renata). The interviewed women’s negative attitude towards a single woman in the spinster version shows in their outright rejection of it: I am definitely not some kind of a spinster, who nobody wanted and who gets weirder and weirder because of her loneliness and who gets frustrated because her friends have husbands and she doesn’t! (Anna C.). Most of the researched women negate this role and manipulate its meaning at the same time. They associate spinsterhood with older age. It is not specified by them but it is determined by the lack of interest on men’s part and the feeling of loneliness: I can’t be called a spinster because although I’m still unmarried I’m not old yet (Agnieszka A.). I may become a spinster but right now I’m neither old nor lonely. I’m still looking for a partner and I still arouse interest of men (Olga). Maybe my expectations won’t be fulfilled or maybe later I won’t have a choice and I’ll take what I’ll be given but I don’t think so as I’m too fussy. Anyway, right now I do have a choice and although I’m threatened by spinsterhood I still don’t consider myself in such categories (Ewa O). All of the researched women adapt the role of a female single, which is an alternative to the one of a spinster. It is carried out in a version which is associated with a dynamic, 17 active way of life, having a lot of ‘time for oneself’ and not treating marriage and family as a priority. In case of the interviewed women preparation for such form of womanhood started in their childhood and it was continued in the successive stages of their lives. In the researched women’s opinion independence can only be possible if you are financially independent so their priority was to take up studies and then a job which would make it possible for them to gain it. All of the actions of the researched women since their time at university were organised around getting ready for their professional life and focused on objectives such as finding a good job which would bring financial independence, their own place to live and satisfying career level. These women did extra specializations or started their professional life while still studying. In the same period of time they had longer or shorter relationships with men and if the time allowed had active social life. But getting married and starting their own family was not on top of their priority list, very often under their parents’ influence. Being single in an adult life is a specific form of continuing the activity started during studies. Thus, in the case of the researched women constructing the role of a single person characterised by independence, focusing on professional development and objection to limiting their roles to those of a wife and a mother started rather early. Identifying with the role of a single woman involved obtaining a higher education degree and starting independent life at the age of 24-25. It happened in the case of the researched women mostly in the context of family they come from. The moment of graduation may be recognised as the moment of identifying with the role: As soon as I completed my studies, actually on my graduation day the questions about getting married and setting up my own family started. It happened right away as if it was the next indispensable stage. And the funniest thing was I didn’t even have anybody at that time. It didn’t seem to matter for my father, though. I graduated from my studies so now I simply can or even have to find a husband (Renata). My parents always said that I had enough time to get married and when I had a boyfriend they always nagged about studies and how important they were. But as soon as I had graduated they changed their opinion completely. They said, ‘What are you waiting for? All of the women your age already have a husband, and you?’ Suddenly it turned out that there was something wrong with me because they couldn’t organise a wedding for me just as most of their friends did for their children (Joanna). For a couple of consecutive years after the graduation performing this role facilitated being professionally fulfilled and organising independent life. It made imprinting and rooting the role easier. The single woman label was burdensome but with the course of time less and less frequently: Every year on Christmas Eve everybody wishes me to make our family bigger 18 and that’s it (Anna C.) Sometimes at work they ask, ‘when are you going to do it?’, especially when one of my colleagues informs us about her wedding plans (Violetta). My mum occasionally says something like, ‘I hope to have grandchildren one day’ or ‘I hoped this time it was for real’ (Paulina). There was the time when my close and distant family tortured me with questions about a fiancé or getting married but after some time everybody calmed down which I took for letting me be. I crossed certain age border so they gave up on me and stopped making comments. It was a relief because I could finally stop explaining myself (Eliza). These were mostly parents who exerted pressure on getting married. However, the longer the role was played, the weaker the pressure was, which facilitated performing it. With time parents start expressing their worries and concerns about their daughter’s lonely future rather than put pressure on getting married. Growing into the role took place in the following years, more or less until the age of 32. Interaction with other singles and duration of playing the role were meaningful for this stage of adaptation to it. Playing this role was definitely one of the factors in achieving high social status faster although it was not its only objective. Involvement into professional career resulting from the necessity to achieve financial independence at the initial stage of professional life was a specific conditioning for playing the role of a single person. Social contacts of the researched, behaviour, attitude, activities, material security started focusing more and more on the role played: I decided that I had to organise my life as a single since I am one. My friend said that there was still hope to find a man…but I can’t just sit and wait. It doesn’t make sense! I’m going to take up horse riding then maybe I’ll learn to scuba-dive and ski. I want to spend my life in an interesting way and do what fascinates me. After all, what else is there for me to do? (Agata). In a book about celibacy, which I translated, there was a chapter entitled: a spinster with a plan, and I really try to make a plan and follow it for my own spiritual development but if I met a man who wanted to spend time with me I definitely wouldn’t mind (Anna W.). Although most of the women seem to be completely involved in playing this role they do not exclude objectives and values outside of it. They constantly try to find a suitable partner. After having achieved material independence and satisfying position at work a change to a so far unfulfilled objective, which is starting one’s own family, can be observed. Age seems to be vital for this shift in priorities because in the case of women it is connected with lower procreation abilities. This attitude change can be noticed with women who turned 32. More intensive looking for a partner is also observed after reaching this age. The alternative option is entering the next stage of adaptation to the role of a single woman. 19 Making the role of a single woman autonomous could be observed with women who did not have a partner for a relatively long period of time. Although they declared desire to change the situation into living with a partner it could be seen that they are used to the single life. At the same time these women are aware that it would be really difficult for them to resign from their single life in favour of ‘typical’ possible scenario which would also mean sacrificing for a family and giving up the ongoing life projects: If I wanted to be with someone now, I would have a dilemma. First of all, I would look at things I would have to give up in order to make the relationship work and which at the same time I wouldn’t be willing to give up because I enjoy doing them (Olga). The social role of a single woman manifests itself in various types of activities and is not imposed or ascribed any longer, as it used to be with a spinster role, but it can be performed periodically and voluntarily. It definitely is one of these social roles which are currently formed again through practice of social life and the patterns of playing it are being spread through pop culture within the stereotype of a single person. These new patterns which appeared relatively not long ago are constantly created not only by mass media but also by the women who take it on in its new form, change it and create new patterns of behaviour connected with this role. The researched women are still pioneers in playing this role in our society. The role accepted and created by them defined by the urban single pattern does not cover playing it after turning 40 or 50 and the familiar version of a single life known as a spinster stereotype is not coherent with the reality. The process of adaptation to and creation of the role of a single woman has been presented below in the form of a scheme. 20 Scheme 2. Stages of adaptation to and forming of the role of a single woman Identification with the role Role imprinting Growing into the role Role autonomisation • 24-25 years old • the stage of completing higher education and starting financially independent life • mainly in the context of family background • following years i.e. 26 to 30-32 • because of the time of playing it and professional activity, • mainly in interactions with other singles • over 33, • with getting used to this lifestyle, • awarness of difficulty in giving up objectives which have been tried to reach so far in favour of possible family Sources: my own research 6.2. Playing the role of a single woman The researched grow into the role of a single person. Playing this role corresponds with the postfeminist image present in mass media which, first of all, refers to the activity of women around 30 who live alone mostly because it is difficult for men to meet their requirements. Activities partly defined by this culture pattern include focusing on professional career, which is the source of high self-esteem and independence and enables achieving success, concentration on one’s own development, aversion to the traditional female role and duties, taking care of oneself, intense free time activity and living in ‘urban tribes’ formed by groups of friends dominated by singles, appreciating singlehood as a way towards selfrealisation. In the area of relationships with men domination of short, intensive relationships and liberal approach to sex are characteristic. In their way of constructing the role the researched women perform it within the role content determined in such a way and while growing into it they organise their lives around tasks defined this way. The dominating and valued activity in everyday lives of the researched is their job, which seems to be the source of high self-esteem, especially in the situation when the area of personal life cannot fulfill this task. For these of the interviewed women who are freelancers or have flexible hours work days differ and private and professional lives interchange. Those 21 who have nine-to-five jobs or work in a few places at the same time live according to repeated schedule. Besides professional activity focusing on self-development is an important distinguishing mark of a single life connected with playing the role of a single person. It is manifested through intensive learning e.g. foreign languages, post-graduate studies and through developing passions and interests. Some of the women realise themselves in the area of public life. Most often they join some associations, non-governmental organizations as well as voluntary groups e.g. working with the disabled, free tutoring, reading stories in nursery schools. They spend their free time with their friends. They are usually members of two to four of such social circles, one of which has a permanent character, the rest is usually the result of professional activity or their hobbies. They also date. They prefer evening meetings in pubs and take active part in cultural life. Most of them go to the cinema, exhibitions and concerts regularly. During the week they systematically keep in touch with their closest friends but these are usually short meetings. Saturday is usually the time for relaxation and entertainment. Even those singles who work at the weekend save part of this day for resting and social meetings. Sunday however, especially for the women who live in the same place as their parents, is the day for visiting them. Others save Sundays for preparing to work, spending time with themselves, relaxing, cleaning or sleeping off after tiring week or raving on Saturday. Home parties at friends’, usually other singles, are a popular form of weekend entertainment. If they have summer holidays they usually spend them travelling, preferably with friends or a current, temporary partner but also alone. However, most often they spend this time with other female singles. Health and good shape are really important for singles. All of the interviewed women are regular customers of beauty and hair salons. Few of them do sports or go to a fitness club or gym regularly. Everyday life of most of the researched women can be described as intensive ‘life in motion’. Many of them do not have much free time for other activities except for working and learning. They have their own flats but they are rarely there and an empty fridge seems to be the symbol of their households. They seldom do shopping, usually once a week or every two weeks in a supermarket with a shopping list in hand but only few of them prepare their own meals at home especially those who are on some kind of diet e.g. vegetarian or slimming. Most of them eat out. They eat breakfast at work, lunch somewhere in a restaurant or a pub, dinner either at a social meeting or at all as they are usually trying to lose weight. Non-food 22 shopping requiring bigger amounts of money are planned in advance and buying clothes is rather spontaneous, done a couple of days after receiving salary, except for the situations when the researched women buy lots of clothes, e.g. a few pairs of shoes or trousers, etc., in one go because they do not have enough time for doing it another way. The researched women keep the closest and most frequent contact with friends, mostly other singles and some people living in relationships. Very few of them keep in close touch with married couples with children. Their family life is usually limited to the family they come from. Most of them have close and regular relationships with parents and siblings. Contact with distant relatives is limited to family occasions. They celebrate religious holidays with their closest family and these are more of a family rather than of spiritual value in their opinion. The interviewed women do not usually have religious life. One of the women is an atheist, two are searching for ways of spiritual development but rather among Eastern religions. They criticise Catholicism because of its conservatism. The sex life of single women is in conflict with Catholic religion. It is also socially difficult to accept because it is evaluated with reference to matrimonial monogamy as a norm and not in the categories of standard sexual activity of young women. Sexual promiscuity and frequent change of partners are often associated with the single life. The researched women do not feel socially unaccepted because of randomness of their sex life. However, they see this area of their life in categories of shortage and deficiency. Sometimes they have one regular sex partner and in this case they evaluate their intimate life as both satisfying and dissatisfying because of occasional regularity which is temporary and deprived of strong emotions. In this area the researched women have to and do show self-sufficiency. It can be concluded from the statements of the interviewed women that playing the role of a single person includes first of all increased activity in the professional field, focusing on self-mastery and taking care of oneself. The role of a single seems not only to enable but also to enforce such activity. For many interviewed women intensive professional life is not always driven by focusing on a career but very often it is connected with the necessity to support oneself especially that most of the researched women spend vital part of their earnings on paying mortgage or bills for having their flats decorated. Focusing on selfmastery, i.e. investing in knowledge and acquiring new qualifications, stems not only from the need to do it but is also perceived as capital for securing the future in case of continuing to lead the single life. The variety of taken up activities can be regarded as both possibility and necessity to make the single life more diversified. Having numerous friends and 23 acquaintances is also one of the consequences of playing this particular role as it facilitates performing it substantially. From a prospective perspective the researched women see the possible performing of the role of a single person as organised around similar activities. However, this is not the desired perspective for their own future. They dream about a perfect life partner and their concept of happy life combines satisfying family life, professional ambitions and the need for independence. Conclusion The researched women project the image of contemporary ‘new single woman’ falling into the pattern of an urban single. They see themselves as alone but not lonely. Most of the interviewed would like to perceive their lives as a temporary situation until they find a proper life partner, although for many of them it is satisfying and favourable way of fulfilling the need for self-mastery and individual achievements. In this interpretation the single life has positive aspects even though it is difficult to talk about choosing this form of life. It rather seems to be a situation between a choice and necessity – choosing life without a partner over life with somebody who does not live up to our standards or compulsion to live without a partner as a result of shortage of suitable ones. The situation of the researched women can be, therefore, interpreted as a limited choice situation, which is clearly seen in their ambivalent attitude towards satisfaction brought by such form of life, in the definitions given by them and perceiving the reasons for being single as the consequence of other life choices. The role played by the researched women is not enforced or ascribed, it can be performed temporarily and voluntarily. It may also be played with reference to the modern version of womanhood, which favours dynamic and active way of life, having a lot of ‘time for oneself’ and not regarding one’s own home and family as a priority. It may also be a postmodern, not assuming long-term planning and reflexive choice from among existing lifestyles and ways of performing different roles. Taking on the role of a single woman can be, therefore, temporary and played many times during a lifetime because of the need to selfmaster and achieve individual goals or until finding a proper candidate for a life partner or husband. However, if this person fails to fulfill the requirements or the relationship will not bring more satisfaction than living alone then returning to playing the role of a single person is possible. It seems that the role of an unmarried woman in the form of ‘a new single’ may become, especially at a certain stage of life, competitive to the role of a married woman and 24 will be played more and more often, more or less permanently, by the consecutive generations of young women. Bibliography: Buss D.M., Human Mate Selection, [w:] “American Scientist”, 1989, vol.72, nr1, s. 47-51. 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