How to Respond to a Rude Comment at Work

You’re trying to help a customer get a refund on a product they weren’t able to use. When it takes longer than they’d hoped, they lose patience and ask if they can “talk to someone who’s competent enough to deal with the issue.” One of your students’ parents responds to your email explaining that their child needs extra support that you can’t provide with, “ISN’T THIS YOUR JOB??? Or is actually HELPING students above your pay grade?” In a meeting, you offer a solution that you think can help your department make up for this quarter’s budget shortfall. Your usually friendly counterpart on another team responds shortly, “I’m not sure why you think that idea would work.” Whether comments like these are made over Slack or email or directly to your face, they sting. No one deserves to be on the receiving end of rude, belittling, or mean behavior at work. Even actions that aren’t intended to be hurtful — or are ambiguous — can cause stress and harm. Yet according to research done by Georgetown professor Christine Porath, 98% of people report experiencing incivility at work at some point in their careers. When it happens, most of us are left wondering: What should I do? On the one hand, responding (especially in the heat of the moment) can escalate the situation. On the other hand, allowing hurtful comments to go unnoted can condone the behavior and seemingly give the person, or others who witness the incident, permission to mistreat you in the future. Staying silent might even send the message that it’s OK for others to behave similarly, leading to a toxic work environment. Though the decision to say something or let it go is yours, it’s helpful to have some guidance on making the call that’s right for you. Below is my advice based on the research and interviews with academics, social scientists, and other experts I did for my latest book, Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People). Start with Yourself First things first. It’s normal to have an emotional reaction when you’re on the receiving end of a rude comment. You might feel hurt, disappointed, offended, upset, angry, frustrated, exhausted, or a mix of these and other feelings. It’s important to both examine these emotions and get a more objective sense of what happened. Accept your emotional response. One common response to emotional pain — especially at work — is to try to tamp it down by chiding yourself, “This is just in my head.” But it’s not: The “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” adage simply isn’t true. I’ve certainly had my breath taken away by some mean-spirited comments that felt like the person had just punched me in the stomach. In fact, neuroscience shows that in certain instances, the brain interprets the impact of being devalued, ignored, shamed, yelled at, rejected, or bullied in ways that are similar to the experience of physical pain. So give yourself time to investigate your emotional response before deciding what to do. If you’re dealing with a customer and you don’t have an hour or day to step away and deeply reflect, try taking a few breaths while identifying what you’re feeling before you react. Also be kind to yourself and validate your feelings: Research has established that self-compassion brings myriad benefits, including a stronger desire to grow and improve, higher emotional intelligence, and deeper resilience. It also makes you more compassionate toward others. Remember that “rude” is relative (in most cases). While we can likely all agree that the first two examples above are mean-spirited, the third is more nebulous, like many of the comments or behaviors that we’re subjected to at work. We may not know what the person intended. And how we interpret a curt message or a short “it’s fine” response may be different from how another person would see it. Interpretations of incivility can also vary widely across cultures. In the United States, for example, asking to speak to a manager might be seen as rude, but that behavior could be considered acceptable in the Netherlands or Israel, where open disagreements are seen in a more positive light. Softulka/Getty Images So as you decide how to respond, consider whether the rudeness may have been unintentional. Is it possible to interpret the person’s actions in a way that leaves you feeling less insulted? I’m a big believer in using empathy to see another person’s behavior in a more generous light. For example, the parent in the second example above is likely worried about their child and channeling their concern through anger at you. It can be helpful to even express that empathy (more on that below). It can also be useful to think about your values and which of them might have been violated. Perhaps your client’s jab challenged your sense of fairness or equity, or it felt like a microaggression. Or maybe the customer raising their voice doesn’t align with your belief in kindness. Regardless of whether the person meant to be rude, your emotional reaction is valid. Understanding how you feel and why will help you decide whether to respond, and what to say if you do. Assess the Risks of Responding Once you better understand your emotional response and consider the other person’s perspective, you can weigh the pros and cons of responding. Ask yourself: What are the risks of speaking up? Addressing rude behavior could challenge the status quo in your organization (especially if your company maintains a “customer is always right” ethos) and may impact your relationships and standing with your coworkers or boss. To gauge how risky speaking up would be, develop a specific picture of the danger you’re facing. Think about the questions below and, if time allows, perhaps vet the situation with someone you trust. If the person is a customer, ask yourself: Do I feel comfortable risking the sale? What are my company’s policies around responding to rude behavior? Will my manager or other higher-ups have my back if I decide to say something? If you don’t know this person well or at all: Do you have a sense of whether they’re likely to bad-mouth you to your manager or influential leaders in the organization? How might they hurt your career prospects or reputation if they wanted to? If you know this person: How do they normally respond to being challenged? Are they generally self-aware or open to feedback? Will they be dismissive (“You’re overreacting; I didn’t mean anything by it”) or get defensive (“What are you accusing me of?”)? Do they have the authority to affect decisions around your raises, promotions, or bonuses? Can they block your ideas or hold up your projects? What are the risks of not speaking up? We often focus on the risks of actions, our minds going directly to the worst-case scenario, rather than the downsides of not doing something. So take time to consider the risks of not speaking up as well. Perhaps not addressing the behavior would violate your personal values or the cultural norms you stand for. You might inadvertently condone the comment if you let it pass unremarked or miss an opportunity to help the person understand how their actions impact others. Give these concerns equal weight in your evaluation. If you are in a position of influence, the risks of silence are greater. Leaders bear the ultimate responsibility (in some cases, a legal one) for making sure no one, especially frontline workers, feels threatened at work. Making the call to let something go sometimes can be a smart move. But that doesn’t mean that you have to swallow your emotions. You might need to vent about the incident to a friend or find ways to emotionally disengage from the situation. For example, can you find ways to bolster your mood after the interaction — spending time with colleagues you enjoy, listening to a favorite song, doing a short meditation, or looking at pictures of your recent vacation? Softulka/Getty Images There are also several concrete actions you can take instead of confronting the person directly. For example, you might report the incident to someone who can take action or at least keep a record should the behavior happen again. If the offender is a client, for example, your manager may want to know so that they can avoid working with them in the future. Or is there someone else in a senior position who will want to help and has the power to do so? Know What to Say — and When If you do decide to confront the offender, how you do it matters and can make the difference between resolving the situation or intensifying it. Keep the following strategies in mind. Consider the timing. Snapping back at someone may feel good in the moment, but it’s often helpful to take the time you need to calm down and process what you heard before reacting. A smart rule of thumb is to prioritize your safety and well-being. It may be that confronting the person may encourage further harm — though do keep in mind that experiencing discomfort is not the same as feeling unsafe. It may feel awkward to point out to a customer that raising their voice isn’t helping, but that’s not the same as fearing they’ll physically hurt you. Use “I” or “it” statements. Oftentimes, people don’t realize they’ve misstepped, so when you confront them, make it clear that you found their comment to be rude by either explaining why or sharing the effect it had on you. Use statements that start with “I,” which explain how you feel and invite the other person to consider your perspective, or “it,” which can establish a boundary that’s not OK to cross. Some sample “I” statements include: “I felt dismissed by your comment; while that may not have been your intention, that’s how it landed with me,” and “I see how you feel, and I’m hurt by what you just said.” Here are some example responses to establish a boundary: “It’s disrespectful to tell people their ideas don’t have merit,” and “That comment isn’t helpful to either of us.” Avoid “you” statements, such as “You’re rude.” When people feel ashamed, attacked, or mislabeled, they’re less likely to hear you or change their behavior. Ask questions. Especially if the comment was ambiguous, it can be effective to respond with a question, like “What did you mean by that?” You might even ask the person to simply repeat what they said, which may prompt them to think through what they meant and how their words might sound to others. Try to ask these questions with genuine curiosity, and start with “what” instead of “why,” which sounds less challenging. “What led you to say that?” is easier to hear than “Why did you say that?” which can sound like an accusation. Here are some other questions you might use: “What was your intention when you said…?” “What specifically did you mean by that? I’m not sure I understood.” “Could you say more about what you mean by that?” “Did I hear you correctly? I think you said…” Have set responses at the ready. It’s easy in the moment to feel unable to respond or to find plenty of reasons not to say something: “I don’t want to cause a stir,” “It’s not a big deal,” “They’re usually a nice person.” To counter the instinct to stay silent (which you may later regret), it helps to memorize and rehearse a few go-to phrases that you can use when you do encounter rudeness. For example, “I imagine it wasn’t your intention, but that hurt,” or “I know we all care about fairness. Acting in this way undermines those intentions.” Responses to Rudeness Sample “I” statements to present your perspective: • I felt dismissed by your comment; while that may not have been your intention, that’s how it landed with me. • I’m hurt by what you just said. • I imagine it wasn’t your intent, but that made me uncomfortable. • I don’t respond well to being yelled at. • I understand why you’re frustrated. Sample “It” statements to create boundaries: • It’s disrespectful to tell people their ideas don’t have merit. • That comment isn’t helpful to either of us. • It would be easier for me to help you if we took the heat down in this conversation. Common responses to rehearse: • What did you mean by that comment? • Did I hear you correctly? I think you said… • Hold on, I need a moment to process what you said. • Can we step back for a moment? • I know we both care about getting this done. Can we do that together? I have some ideas. When you’re facing a situation you don’t have a ready response for, you can try a simple technique that I picked up from authors W. Brad Johnson and David G. Smith, which is to say “Ouch,” clearly and forcefully. This will buy you some time so that you can come up with something further you want to say, and it sends the signal that the other person’s actions had a negative impact, giving them a chance to reconsider what they said. Show empathy. It’s probably the last thing you want to do when you’re on the receiving end of meanness, but kindly showing the person that you understand their concerns can often help smooth out a tense interaction. This isn’t required, especially if the comment could be categorized as a microaggression, but in a situation with a client or customer who is responding out of frustration or anger, acknowledging that you see their perspective with simple statements like “I get that” or “I understand” can calm them down some. Remember that recognizing the emotion behind their behavior isn’t a tacit endorsement of their behavior. You can grant them their premise and ask them to treat you differently. Anticipate defensiveness. The best-case scenario is that the person hears you and even thanks you for your feedback. But in my experience, they are more likely to get defensive, at least at first. A customer might dismiss what you’re saying or claim that you misunderstood them and their intentions. But if they’ve caused pain, it doesn’t matter whether they had good intentions or not. If they accuse you of being overly sensitive or defend themselves by saying they didn’t mean any harm, make clear how their statement or question affected you. For example, you might say, “Your comment, however you meant it, made me feel like you don’t respect me.” And be sure you have an exit plan. If you’re handling a customer, this might mean completing the transaction with them as quickly and efficiently as possible. If addressing the incivility causes the other person to double down on their comment or even to escalate their behavior, make sure you have a few statements ready to help you get out of the conversation. For example, you might say, “I need to take a break from this conversation,” or “Let’s press pause on this for now,” or “I’m going to finish checking you out so that we can both move on.” Form a coalition. If the rudeness is part of a recurring pattern, you might enlist help from others in responding. Join forces with people on your team or in your company and make an explicit pact to respond to incivility when it happens. When a customer is being rude to you, it can often take the heat down if a coworker intervenes on your behalf or even takes over the interaction. Having a coalition can help you gain clarity as well: When something troubling but ambiguous happens, you, along with everyone else in the group, will have a sounding board to help determine whether it warrants action. . . . Let’s go back to those opening examples. With the rude customer, you might ask a question, such as, “I think you just called me incompetent. Did I understand you correctly?” Or you could counter with a clear statement like, “I’ll be able to complete your refund in the next 10 minutes.” Of course, it’s possible the person will double down rather than recognize the impact they had on you, but at least you’ve made it clear that you won’t tolerate their rude comments. With the angry parent, you could show empathy and reiterate your intention, “I’m sorry you’re frustrated. I can assure you I’m trying to help your child in the best way I know how,” and then suggest you meet in person. That often helps to encourage the other person’s empathy toward you since they can’t hide behind a screen and keyboard. With your typically friendly colleague who criticized your idea (and maybe your judgment), you might use the approach of explaining the impact of their comment: “I don’t think it was your intention but that felt dismissive to me, and truthfully, it stung,” or you could simply say, “Ouch” and then stay quiet to give them time to reflect on what they said or clarify what they meant. At the end of the day, you get to decide what’s best for you in every unique circumstance. And while you may not have control over how that person treats you, you do have control over when and how you respond.

How to Respond to a Rude Comment at Work

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