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This Is the End

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This Is the End is a 2013 American apocalyptic comedy film about fictionalized versions of celebrities facing a global apocalypse of biblical proportions.

Screenplay, story and direction by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg.
Nothing ruins a party like the end of the world. taglines

Jonah Hill

[edit]
  • If a huge earthquake happens, who do they rescue first? Actors. They'll get Clooney, Sandra Bullock, me. If there's room, you guys will come.
  • Dear God, I'd like to pray for a second. It's me, Jonah Hill...from Moneyball.
  • This is no dream! This is really happening! NO!
  • Something, um, not that chill happened last night.
  • You will drown in a river of blood. The end of days is here. You will quiver in the shadow of Kingdom Come. Judgement Day is upon you. The Apocalypse is NIGH!
  • I'm gonna titty-fuck you, Seth. [Seth Rogen: DON'T TITTY-FUCK ME!] What are they, big B's or small C's? I'm gonna push your titties together. PUSH 'EM TOGETHER!

Craig Robinson

[edit]
  • Welcome to Heaven, motherfuckers.

Dialogue

[edit]
[after Seth Rogen picks up Jay Baruchel from the airport]
Jay Baruchel: All right, I’ve landed, I’m here, we’ve said our hellos. Can we please go to fucking Carl’s Jr.?
Seth Rogen: Uh… I would… I would love to, I’m on a… I can’t really eat that stuff right now. I’m on a, uh… I’m on this cleanse.
Jay Baruchel: You’re on a what?
Seth Rogen: I’m on a cleanse.
Jay Baruchel: [laughs]
Seth Rogen: It’s good for you. I didn’t know— You’re supposed to take shits a day.
Jay Baruchel: That’s not true.
Seth Rogen: It is true.
Jay Baruchel: You’re supposed to shit twice a day.
Seth Rogen: No. That’s not true. That’s what they used to think. Now they know you’re supposed to shit six times a day.
Jay Baruchel: So, you’re not drinking, you’re not smoking weed? You’re not…
Seth Rogen: Oh, no, no. I’m drinking, I’m smoking weed.
Jay Baruchel: But…
Seth Rogen: I’m on a cleanse, I’m not psychotic. Look, man, if you stopped eating gluten, you’d feel way fucking better all day. Whenever you feel shitty, that’s cause of gluten.
Jay Baruchel: That’s not true. Who the fuck told you not to eat gluten?
Seth Rogen: It’s just true.
Jay Baruchel: You don’t even know what gluten is.
Seth Rogen: I know what fucking gluten is.
Jay Baruchel: No, you have no idea what gluten is.
Seth Rogen: I do know what gluten is. Gluten’s a vague term. It’s, it’s like something that’s used to categorize things that are bad, you know? Calories, that’s a gluten. Fat, that’s a gluten.
Jay Baruchel: Somebody just told you, you probably shouldn’t eat gluten, you’re like, “Oh, I guess I shouldn’t eat gluten.”
Seth Rogen: Gluten means bad shit, man, and I’m not eating it.
[later at Carl’s Jr., Jay and Seth are eating burgers]
Seth Rogen: Hmm! Oh, God! Each bite is better than the previous bite.
Jay Baruchel: It is.
Seth Rogen: Gluten!
[at James Franco’s house]
Seth Rogen: This place is beautiful, man.
James Franco: This place is like a piece of me. You two just stepped inside of me.
Seth Rogen: You let us both cum inside you. Yeah.
James Franco: Icing on the cake. [shows Seth the painting on the wall] Check it out. Painted them myself.
Seth Rogen: Huh!
James Franco: Side by side. A team.
Seth Rogen: Holy shit.
James Franco: So, is it weird?
Seth Rogen: No.
James Franco: You sure?
Seth Rogen: I really like it.
James Franco: What do you think, Jay?
Jay Baruchel: I’m not a big art guy.
James Franco: You don’t like art?
Jay Baruchel: Well, come on.
James Franco: You play video games?
Jay Baruchel: Yes.
James Franco: Well, guess what, buddy? You like art.
Jay Baruchel: Yep.
James Franco: You ever been to Subway?
Jay Baruchel: Yes.
James Franco: You order a sandwich? Somebody put that together for you, dude. That’s art.
Seth Rogen: Sandwich artist.
James Franco: So let me lay this on you, Jay.
Jay Baruchel: Oh, fuck…
James Franco: Your mama's pussy was the canvas, your dad's dick was the paintbrush. Boom. You're the art, huh?
Jay Baruchel: Thanks, James Franco.
James Franco: You got it.
[As the Apocalypse beings, the actors all watch from Franco's front yard as fires burn in the Hollywood Hills. Micheal Cera is extremely upset, but not about the apocalypse. He turns to the crowd, too high to realize the world is ending.]
Micheal Cera: [drunken to the crowd] ALRIGHT Everybody listen up, listen up!! Who took my FUCKING CELL PHONE, MAN?!?! MARTIN, EMPTY YOUR POCKETS!!!
Martin Starr: What?!
Micheal Cera: I saw you in the bathroom, man, somebody dial my phone, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! IT'S UNBELIEVABLE!!! It's UNACCEPTABLE after all the coke I've WASTED on you people! I've THROWN AWAY!!!
[Cera doesn't see that behind him, the ground is cracking, causing a street light to come loose]
Martin Starr: I didn't take your fucking cell phone!
Micheal Cera: THREE-ONE-ZERO-NINE...!!
[As Cera yells out his phone number to the crowd, Seth sees the street light is about to fall onto Micheal Cera]
Seth Rogen: Woah, woah! Mike! Mike! MIKE!MIKE!MIKE!MIKE!MIKE!!!!
[The street light smashes on top of Cera, impaling him through the chest. The crowd screams, blood slamming onto David Krumholtz's face]
David Krumholtz: MY FACE!!!
Micheal Cera: What's happening to me?! What's happening?!
[The actors watch in horror as an anguished Cera is dragged by the street light toward the collapsing hole.]
Seth Rogen: MICHEAL, COME BACK!!!
[Just before the light collapses into the ground, the mortally wounded Cera hears his missing cell phone ringing and finds it...in his coat pocket.]
Micheal Cera: [Sobbing in pain and humiliation] Oh shit, that's embarrassing!
[Cera falls into the center of the Earth]
Seth Rogen: You okay, man?
Jay Baruchel: No, it’s nothing, it’s just, you know, as soon as we got there, you did what you said you wouldn’t do.
Seth Rogen: What did I do?
Jay Baruchel: You just fucking ditched my ass.
Seth Rogen: I didn’t ditch you. Are you kidding me? I did not ditch you. I was talking to Jonah and then you left to go have a cigarette.
Jay Baruchel: Well, you know, my cigarette was an excuse. I really went outside cause Jonah was being a prick.
Seth Rogen: Jonah was not being a prick. If anything, you were kind of being a prick. Jonah’s the nicest guy ever.
Jay Baruchel: Oh, my God, that’s a thin veneer of kindness. Nobody’s that nice.
Seth Rogen: Jonah is that nice.
Jay Baurchel: Serial killers are that nice.
Seth Rogen: Just answer me one question: Is Michael Cera's butthole as adorable as I pictured?
Jay Baruchel: Oh, for fuck's sake...
Seth Rogen: I picture it looking like a little donut. A little pink sprinkled donut.
James Franco: Dude, look. Helicopters, helicopter. The good guys are here. We're fine, we're gonna be fine.
[helicopter crashes and propeller flies through the window and sticks into the wall where Craig is]
Craig Robinson: [screaming and jumping] Goddamn! Oh, goddamn!
James Franco: You okay?
Craig Robinson: No, I'm not okay. [shows his damaged finger] Fuck yo house, Franco!
James Franco: My house didn't do that!
Seth Rogen: [taking inventory of the food and supplies at James' house] We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, Nutella, cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, C.T. Crunch, milk, ketchup, a Milky Way, a half-ounce of Sour Diesel, 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of 'shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat and a video camera from the movie 27 Hours.
James Franco: [correcting Seth] 127 Hours.
Seth Rogen: Uh... 127 Hours, and a functioning revolver from the movie Flyboys.
James Franco: Old faithful. [picks up the gun]
Jay Baruchel: Jesus.
James Franco: Thing’s real. No, I kept this from the movie.
Seth Rogen: Yeah.
James Franco: This is an actual revolver.
Seth Rogen: I see, yeah.
Craig Robinson: Franco, that’s very uncomfortable. Could you put that thing down, please?
James Franco: Loaded.
Jonah Hill: Love it.
Jay Baruchel: Awesome. Can you just put the gun away?
James Franco: I always keep my props.
Jay Baruchel: That’s really cool.
James Franco: Always keep my props. I know how to handle it.
Jonah Hill: He knows what he’s doing. I like this bit. I like it. I get it. Let me see.
James Franco: It’s real. It’s heavy.
Jonah Hill: Let me see it like that.
[James tosses the gun to Jonah]
Craig Robinson: Goddamn!
Seth Rogen: Come on, guys! You could kill…
James Franco: Careful.
Jonah Hill: [pretends to shoot it] Bang, bang!
Jay Baruchel: Jesus!
Seth Rogen: Please put it down!
Jay Baruchel: Oh, fuck!
Jonah Hill: Bang, bang, bang! You’re dead!
Jay Baruchel: I hope you’re fucking happy.
Jonah Hill: Pow, pow, pow!
Seth Rogen: Stop- Guys, stop fucking with the gun!
Jay Baruchel: Jesus. Jesus!
Jonah Hill: Pow! Pow! Bang!
Seth Rogen: It’s a real gun! It’s so funny. It’s so funny.
Jonah Hill: Guys, it’s funny.
Jay Baruchel: It’s not funny! We’re getting sidetracked.
Jonah Hill: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll just kill myself.
All: No!
Seth Rogen: Don’t do that Jonah!
Jay Baruchel: Jesus!
James Franco: Jonah, give it back.
Jonah Hill: I don’t know! I don’t know! [puts the gun in his mouth]
James Franco: Don’t do that!
Seth Rogen: Oh, dude!
Jay Baruchel: Hey, come on! Come on, no, don’t! Jesus!
Craig Robinson: Would you put the thing down?!
Jonah Hill: The whole… I’m trying to have some fun, man. Look, just because a bunch of people fell into a hole outside doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. We’re a bunch of best friends hanging out. It’s like a sleepover.
Seth Rogen: [after the group inventories the remaining food] Okay, food. How are we gonna deal with this?
Jonah Hill: Um, can I have that Milky Way?
James Franco: No, you can't have the Milky Way, that's my Milky Way. I went out this morning and specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party.
Jay Baruchel: That's weird.
James Franco: It's not weird, it's my special food, I like it. Back me up on that, Seth.
Seth Rogen: I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way. I want some of the Milky Way.
Craig Robinson: I'd be pretty bummed if I don't get at least a bite of the Milky Way.
James Franco: Oh, now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.
Craig Robinson: Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way! It's a fucking Milky Way.
Jonah Hill: Guys.
Jay Baruchel: A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable.
Seth Rogen: Everyone gets a fifth of everything.
James Franco: [To Craig] I want one fifth of your T-shirt! I want the bottom part. The belly.
Craig Robinson: I'm not sporting a crop-top in your house.
James Franco: I'll cut that shit off and make a headband.
Craig Robinson: You couldn't handle my midriff.
Jonah Hill: Guys, the only issue is...I kinda need the Milky Way.
Jay Baruchel: For fuck's sake.
Jonah Hill: No, for real, I have low blood sugar, and if my endorphins drop too low, I'm gonna be a nightmare to be around.
Jay Baruchel: What?
James Franco: Your LBS starts acting up, you can have a finger scoop of Nutella, okay?
Seth Rogen: One finger scoop of Nutella.
Jonah Hill: Fair.
James Franco: I’m going to bed.
Jay Baruchel: Jesus fucking…
James Franco: Don’t touch that Milky Way, Jonah.
Jonah Hill: Night, James.
[while James Franco sees Danny McBride eating all the food supplies]
Danny McBride: Franco! Good morning, sunshine!
James Franco: Guys, guys, wake up! Danny’s alive! He’s eating all the fucking food!
[they rush over to Danny]
Jonah Hill: Danny!
Danny McBride: No, it’s cool, man. I fucking made this for you guys!
Seth Rogen: Stop eating!
Jay Baruchel: Don’t eat another piece of bacon!
Danny McBride: Guys just chill the fuck out, okay? I’m sure the Green Goblin can fucking afford some more bacon.
Craig Robinson: Dude, that shit’s supposed to last us ‘till we get rescued!
Danny McBride: Wait a second. I know what happened. You guys dropped acid, didn’t you? Mm-hmm. Craig doesn’t have any pants on. He got fucking wild, probably danced and sweated all over the place. You got white shit all over your mouth, Franco. You probably sucked somebody’s dick. Jonah over here probably washed and jerked off. Jay, I didn’t even know you were in town. Good to see you.
Seth Rogen: Danny, we’re not on acid! We didn’t suck each other’s dicks!
Danny McBride: James Franco didn’t suck any dick last night? Now I know you all are tripping.
Seth Rogen: Do you actually not know what happened last night?
Jonah Hill: Daniel, you may want to stay seated for a second. Some really messed up stuff happened, and there were a lot of fatalities.
Danny McBride: Oh, really? You’re putting your serious voice on, Jonah? Okay tell me about these "fatalities."
Craig Robinson: Dude, Segel’s dead, Krumholtz is dead, Michael Cera’s dead.
Danny McBride: Guess if Michael Cera’s gone, it’s not a total loss, huh? [laughing]
Jay Baruchel: Jesus, Danny!
Danny McBride: Michael Cera’s dead.
Jay Baruchel: It’s not like that.
James Franco: It’s not funny, man. It’s really not funny.
Danny McBride: Seth, that’s a better performance than you’ve given in your last six movies. Where the fuck was that in Green Hornet, huh? Jonah, you’re fucking sucking balls. You’re an Academy award nominated person. You need to be fucking selling that shit, dude. "Fatalities, there were some fatalities."
Jonah Hill: Fatalities.
Danny McBride: Okay, now that was good. That was good.
Seth Rogen: Does it seem like we’re fucking joking?
[James Franco starts a video confession]
James Franco: Hi, this is James Franco, um, in my house in my library. Uh, we’ve been stuck here for about 24 hours. Danny McBride is here. Um, I didn’t even invite him to my party, but he came and passed out in the bathtub. I gotta say, it’s like typical fucking McBride. Like, I’ve been feeling really weird about him lately, like I don’t really know if I wanna be friends with him and, uh… then he fucking showed up at my party and now we’re stuck here with him, uh, in disaster lockdown, so, uh…
[Danny McBride knocks]
Danny McBride: What up? What’s going on?
James Franco: Hey, Danny, what’s up, man?
Danny McBride: Not much. What are you doing? What is this?
James Franco: Oh, it’s just a video confessional.
[Danny walks away]
James Franco: Fuck that dude!
[while having dinner at a table]
James Franco: Earthquakes cause tsunamis.
Seth Rogen: Yes.
James Franco: Tsunamis cause other tsunamis, disaster.
Danny McBride: I mean for all we know, the fucking Lakers could’ve just won and that’s the reason why all this is happening.
Seth Rogen: Hole in Franco’s front yard? Sinkhole. Every single time I turn on the news, sinkhole in South America, bunch of South Americans getting sucked into the ground.
Jonah Hill: Sinkhole de Mayo.
Seth Rogen: Sinkhole de Mayo. That’s why it’s named that, because sinkholes happen in the summertime.
Jay Baruchel: It’s not wildfires, it’s not earthquakes, it’s not sinkholes. I think I know what it is.
Craig Robinson: Let’s hear it.
Jay Baruchel: I think it’s the Apocalypse.
James Franco: What?
Jay Baruchel: I’m serious, boys. [holds up a Bible] It’s all here, in the book of Revelations.
James Franco: You took my Bible?
Jay Baruchel: Well, just hear me out, and you tell me that what I’m describing isn’t what’s going on right now. [starts reading the Bible] “And the skies shall open up and the light of the Lord shall shine down and those of good heart shall be brought into my kingdom of heaven.” That’s the Rapture, those are the gigantic beams of blue light. “And there will be a great mountain burning in fire.” I mean the Hollywood Hills are literally engulfed in flames as we sit here right now.
Craig Robinson: The Hollywood Hills ain’t no mountain, it’s a hill. Takes about 10 minutes to get across that motherfucker with no traffic.
James Franco: Coldwater.
Seth Rogen: I take Laurel Canyon.
Jonah Hill: Cahuegna.
Danny McBride: I usually cup down Barham.
Jay Baruchel: Boys, can I just fricking finish?
Craig Robinson: I love Laurel Canyon.
Jay Baruchel: [continues reading] “And out of the pit rose a great red dragon having seven heads, that old serpent called the devil and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world, was released onto the Earth.”
Craig Robinson: I love that dude. He’s from Where the Wild Things Are.
James Franco: It’s a load of bullshit.
Jay Baruchel: It’s not bullshit.
James Franco: You wanna know something else, Jay? If this is the end of the world and all the good people died, what you’re saying is, Seth, me, Jonah, Craig and Danny are a bunch of assholes.
Craig Robinson: I’m straight-up lovable, son.
James Franco: And if this is really the Apocalypse, you’re here too. So, that means you’re just as shitty as the rest of us. Doesn’t feel too good, does it?
James Franco: [after sending Emma Watson to James’ bedroom] We’ll be right here, okay? Fuck are you guys doing here?
Seth Rogen: Here’s what I think we should do. She’s British, right? She’s used to eating shitty food anyway. Let’s just give her all the shitty food that we don’t want.
James Franco: That’s fucked up. Look how tiny she is. She’s not even a full seven. She’s like half a seven.
Danny McBride: This is a fucking cool thing, man. I, for one, am very excited. I’m a massive Harry Potter fan.
James Franco: What?
Danny McBride: Yes. I love fucking Harry Potter. I cannot wait until she wakes up and I can ask her all these amazing questions about how they made those motion pictures.
James Franco: Take it easy, Dumble Dore.
Jay Baruchel: Guys, listen listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room.
Seth Rogen: Whoa, Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.
Craig Robinson: That's fucked up. I'm right here man.
Jay Baruchel: I'm not calling Craig an elephant.
James Franco: That's racist.
Jay Baruchel: I wasn’t referring to him. I was referring to the issue that’s on all of our minds.
James Franco: What?
Jay Baruchel: This is one girl in a house with six males.
James Franco: Real safe.
Seth Rogen: Ideal scenario.
Craig Robinson: She’s like a little sister.
Jay Baruchel: I think that she needs… It’s important that she feels safe. And comfortable. And we should be mindful.
Craig Robinson: Who’s making her not feel safe?
Jay Baruchel: Well, I’m just saying we should… We don’t wanna give off a bad vibe.
James Franco: Vibes? I ain’t got no vibes.
Seth Rogen: Wait, what kind of vibes are you talking about, man?
Danny McBride: He’s talking about us giving off a rapey vibe.
All: Whoa!
Craig Robinson: Jesus.
James Franco: Jay, what the fuck, man?
Seth Rogen: Chill out dude.
James Franco: Why you putting that shit in the mix?
Jay Baruchel: He fucking said it!
Danny McBride: You’re the one saying it. No one here is thinking about raping anyone.
James Franco: Well, you talking about vibes is the only thing that’s rapey going on right now.
Seth Rogen: Dude, nothing was rapey until you brought up the rapey vibe.
James Franco: Fucking one who smelt it dealt it, dawg.
Seth Rogen: True that, dude.
James Franco: One who denies it supplies it.
Jay Baruchel: I know, it’s farts, I get it.
Jonah Hill: Guys, guys, guys. Jay’s not rapey. Jay couldn’t rape a fly.
Seth Rogen: He probably could.
Craig Robinson: Maybe we should stop this entire conversation right now.
James Franco: If anyone’s gonna rape anyone here, it’s probably gonna be Danny.
Danny McBride: What the fuck, Franco?
James Franco: What?
Danny McBride: Why do you think I’m gonna rape somebody?
James Franco: I’m just trying to lay it out here.
Danny McBride: I’m not gonna rape anyone, all right? If anyone’s gonna rape somebody, it’s Jay. He came up with the rape idea and his face looks like the police sketch of a fucking rapist.
James Franco: True.
Jay Baruchel: What the fuck does that mean?
Danny McBride: If anybody’s raping Emma Watson, it’s fucking Sir Rapes-a-Lot over here.
Emma Watson: [Holding an axe] Back the fuck up!
James Franco: Emma, what's wrong?
Seth Rogen: W-W-W-What's wrong?
Emma Watson: What's wrong? I just heard you guys talking about which one of you's gonna get to rape me.
All: No! No, no, no, no!
Seth Rogen: I got it, I got it, no, it's funny, it's funny. We were specifically talking about not raping you... [Emma hits Seth's nose with the back of her axe] OH!
Jay Baruchel: Holy shit!
Emma Watson: BACK UP! [swishes her axe around]
Jonah Hill: It's me, Jonah! It's me, Jonah Hill, America's sweetheart, J-bug, J-bone, your friend! I would never hurt you...
Emma Watson: GET BACK! GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO DRINK, PUT IT IN THE BAG!
Seth Rogen: There's six of us, YOU CANNOT ROB US!
Emma Watson: I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND! [chops off a fake penis using her axe]
Craig Robinson: GIVE HER DRINKS!
James Franco: Okay!
Craig Robinson: GIVE HER DRINKS! PUT THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!
Danny McBride: Oh, God!
[Seth and James rush to the kitchen table and put the remaining drinks away in Emma's bag]
Craig Robinson: PUT ALL THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!
Emma Watson: HURRY THE FUCK UP!
Jay Baruchel: Okay, they're getting the drinks, put the axe down!
Craig Robinson: Don't give the Milky Way away!
Jay Baruchel: Put the axe down now!
[Seth hands the bag to Emma and she snatches it from him.]
Danny McBride: Okay? NOW, FRANCO, SHOOT HER FACE, SHOOT HER!
James Franco: [to Danny] I'M NOT GONNA SHOOT EMMA WATSON! [to Emma] Look, Emma. Just stay here with us, it's a lot safer than out there.
[Emma yells while chopping the boards off the boarded door with her axe and leaves. Danny McBride starts a confession video with Craig Robinson and Jay Baruchel]
Danny McBride: Hermione just stole all of our shit.
Craig Robinson: Little bitty ass, um, 20-year-old jacked us.
Danny McBride: Then Jay suggested that we all rape her and now she's gone.
Jay Baruchel: I didn't... I was just... I...
Danny McBride: I think the only reason why he did that is because Jay knows he's about fucking two minutes away from becoming the house bitch himself.
Craig Robinson: So now, um, motherfuckers is thirsty.
James Franco: Who did this? Who did this?!
Seth Rogen: Did what, what are you talking about?
James Franco: [holds up his jizzed porn magazine] Jizzed all over the pages of this nice magazine I was nice enough to tell you about. Was it you, Seth?
Seth Rogen: No.
James Franco: No?
Danny McBride: [raises his hand] It was me, Franco. I fuckin' made jizz in your magazine.
James Franco: Why?!
Danny McBride: When I fuckin' jack off long enough, I end up jizzin', dude. I'm assuming, the same shit works for you?
James Franco: Real fucking smart answer! Why don't you fucking aim, huh?!
Danny McBride: I have a particularly explosive ejaculating that just goes everywhere! It's like a fuckin' wild fireman's hose, she's gonna grab on and pray to God it doesn't get into your eyes or your mouth!
James Franco: The fuck kind of jerking off is that? What, you never had any brothers, you never learned to jizz in a fucking sock or on a fuckin' tissue?!
Danny McBride: No, I don't have any brothers, I was raised in a house of women!
James Franco: I highly doubt they fuckin' taught you to fuckin' close your eyes and fuckin' cum wherever you want!
Danny McBride: I mean, you're getting all worked up over a fuckin' porno mag! Who has goddamn porno mags anymore?! Welcome to the 21st century, Buck Rogers! You designed a house with fucking iPads in the walls! Yet, you're jerkin' your dick like a goddamn pilgrim!
James Franco: That's right, man. I like to fuckin' read!
Danny McBride: You think that's the only thing I jerked off in here? I've been dropping loads around this fuckin' house like a goddamn dump truck.
James Franco: YOU DON'T CUM ON MY STUFF!
Danny McBride: I'll cum wherever the fuck I want, James. I'll fuckin' cum in your kitchen, I'll cum on your fuckin' art, I'LL CUM ANYWHERE I WANT!
James Franco: I will fuckin' cum right on you! I will cum like a fuckin' madman all over you, McBride!
Danny McBride: Ooh! I fuckin' wish you'd cum on me right now, I fuckin' DARE YOU TO CUM ON ME!
[Both men exchange masturbation gestures at each other]
Danny McBride: [Grabbing a baseball bat between his legs] I'm gonna jack my dick so fuckin' hard in here!
James Franco: This, no more, man, all over your fuckin' face!
Danny McBride: All over the fuckin' floor, all over the fuckin' place! I'll fuckin' cum anywhere I want, I'll fuckin' cum on these walls, I'll cum on the fuckin' cabinets, on the fuckin' furniture, I'LL CUM EVERYWHERE!
James Franco: [points his revolver] If I see your dick one more time, I'm gonna fucking shoot it off!
Danny McBride: You don't have enough bullets, bitch!
James Franco: [waving his revolver] No fuckin' jerking off in my house, McBride!
[Danny throws the baseball bat to the ground]
Seth Rogen: Come on, man.
Danny McBride: Fuck this. It's just I'm too thirsty to do this, and the fuckin' bitter irony is I'm not gonna have my thirst quenched until I finish this. I give up.
[walks out of the living room and leaves Seth behind]
Seth Rogen: Danny, no. Don't walk away. Danny, don't walk away from me!
Danny McBride: It's too late, Seth. I've already walked away too much.
Seth Rogen: No, you haven't. You could still come back and just fuckin' turn around and come back and help me. Danny? Daniel?
[Danny is nowhere to be seen]
[after Seth Rogen and Jay Baruchel find water, the guys have a water party]
Seth Rogen: That is so fucking good.
James Franco: The two heroes over here breaking through the floor.
Seth Rogen: We did break through the floor.
Jay Baruchel: Any of you guys would have done the same thing.
Seth Rogen: Oh, man, that fucking hurt.
Jay Baruchel: Yeah, I’m surprised you didn’t shart again.
Seth Rogen: I think I did.
Jonah Hill: Hey, what year is this?
Jay Baruchel: 19…
Seth Rogen: That’s a good… That’s a good year.
Craig Robinson: Hey, hey, no, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?!
Danny McBride: What am I doing? [Danny pours his glass with water as the others exclaim]
Seth Rogen: Fuck, man!
Danny McBride: What? I'm just pouring myself another glass of water to wash down that dry-ass Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
James Franco: That's very nice, but you can't just pour yourself another glass of water, man, will you cut it out?!
Seth Rogen: Yeah, we agreed to one glass at dinner. We voted on it, man.
Danny McBride: Well, man, I'm just getting sick and tired of all these fucking rules, man. You don't see me putting rules on you guys.
James Franco: You cannot have another glass of water.
Danny McBride: Jay weighs 150 pounds less than me. Why the fuck is it fair that him and I should drink the same amount of water? We should be dividing our rations based on our proportionate size.
Jonah Hill: I don't wanna come off as a diva here or anything. It's just that I think everyone should split everything equally.
Danny McBride: [mimicking Jonah] "I just think that everybody should have the fucking same, I have a goddamn earring." SHUT THE FUCK UP, JONAH!
James Franco: You know what, Danny? If you weren't jizzing all the time, maybe you'd be more hydrated.
Danny McBride: You're making me into a joke right now, Franco, and you are not gonna like the fuckin' punch line.
James Franco: No more jerking off, no more water, just sit the fuck down!
Danny McBride: Okay, I'm done. We're not gonna have any more water.
Seth Rogen: Good.
James Franco: Alright.
[Danny then grabs and pours the entire water gallon on himself which causes the others to come up to him and fight over the gallon]
Danny McBride: YOU GUYS MADE THIS HAPPEN, YOU GUYS FORCED MY FUCKING HAND BY GANGING UP ON ME!
James Franco: [aims his revolver at Danny] GODDAMMIT, I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL THIS MOTHERFUCKER!
[Danny sticks the revolver in his mouth, allowing James to shoot him but he throws it away]
Danny McBride: That's what I thought. Nerd.
Danny McBride: This how you all feel?
Seth Rogen: We talked about it.
Danny McBride: You guys are gonna vote me off the island? I mean, I made you guys breakfast.
James Franco: Oh, shit, man, you wasted half of our food when you did that.
Danny McBride: Just thought I was doing something nice for you guys. Just to apologize for my behavior at the party. Party I wasn’t even invited to. I’m not an idiot. I know why you guys don’t fucking call me or hang out with me anymore. It’s because I party so fucking hard. Always have, ever since I was a baby, I wouldn’t just suck on my mama’s titties, I would fuckin’ bang them and motorboat them. Everything I’ve been doing has just been a cry for help. When I came on your magazine, James, it was a cum for help. I’ve just been crying and cumming and crying and cumming. Tears from the tip of my penis, dudes.
James Franco: I’m sorry, all right? You can cum wherever you want.
Danny McBride: I don’t even care about cumming anymore. Right now, I’m just kind of into going.
[After James Franco gives Danny his revolver]
Danny McBride: Thank you, James. It means a lot to you, and I appreciate that you’d give this to me. Stupid. Stupid mother--!
[nearly shoots James, Jonah, Jay, Seth and Craig numerous times which causes them to get scared to death]
James Franco: Fucking psychopath! It's a prop gun! What, do you think I'd put real bullets in here?
Danny McBride: You were gonna send me out there with a fucking gun filled with blanks?
Seth Rogen: Oh, fuck you! Don't turn this around on us. You tried to shoot us, you fucking dickhead!
James Franco: Fucking murdering motherfucker!
Danny McBride: Whatever. Fucking civilization is broken down. There's no more reason for this false bullshit. You guys act like you're so fucking high and mighty like you've never made a goddamn mistake before. Franco, you're some pretentious fucking nerd.
James Franco: Fuck you.
Danny McBride: Jonah... you fucking cunt. [Jonah glares at him offensively] Craig... you didn't have my back back there. You fucking disappoint me.
Craig Robinson: Bro.
Danny McBride: Seth... you duplicitous taint.
Seth Rogen: What?
Danny McBride: And of course, there's Jay... the self-righteous, cock-sucking, two-faced backstabber.
Jay Baruchel: What the fuck are you talking about?
Danny McBride: I overheard your little conversation with Craig, alright? The only reason why you care about any of us is because you think that's what God wants you to do. You don't give a shit about us.
Jay Baruchel: No, no, no, no. That-that's fucking twisting that shit around, you're fucking lying.
Danny McBride: Am I twisting this? I believe you were in Los Angeles two months ago at the four seasons. I saw you there, and you specifically asked me not to tell Seth, so you could maintain the illusion that you always stay with Seth when you're in Los Angeles.
Craig Robinson: Ooh! Jay.
Seth Rogen: Fuck, man.
Danny McBride: It's not, it's textbook twattage. [opens his hands like a book and closes them] And just for the record, you guys. I'm choosing to leave. You're not kicking me out. You guys had already said that I could come back in, and I'm the one who said that I'm not coming back in. Don't be cocky.
[backs out of the double doors]
Seth Rogen: [discussing the apocalypse] This shit's cray cray, guys. I mean, it's like, the real, like Apocalypse, it's like the Revel, Book of Revelations, like that means there's a God. Right? [Jay nods in agreement] I haven't led my life as though there's a God this whole time, who fucking saw that coming that there's actually a God?
Jay Baruchel: I-I'd say 95% of the planet.
Seth Rogen: Jesus fucking Christ, man.
Craig Robinson: You might wanna stay away from saying that.
Seth Rogen: "Jesus fucking Christ"?
Craig Robinson: Yes.
[Jay does the Holy Cross]
Seth Rogen: Why? Why can't I say that?
Craig Robinson: One of the 10 Commandments: "Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain".
Seth Rogen: Jesus isn't the name of the Lord. God is the name of the Lord.
Craig Robinson: Jesus, God. It's all the same.
Jay Baruchel: It's the trinity.
Seth Rogen: Jesus...
Craig Robinson: Father, Son, Holy Ghost.
James Franco: It's like Neapolitan ice cream.
Seth Rogen: I don't even know what the fucking Commandments are.
James Franco: Guys, I think this is sort of bullshit, because...we're all good people. I can look at each one of you in the eye, I know you're good.
Seth Rogen: I'm good.
James Franco: We're four actors, we bring joy to people's lives!
Jay Baruchel: Yeah, but we don't do it for free, we get paid handsomely, much higher than the average profession.
James Franco: It's not like it was just handed to any of us, we've worked really hard to be here.
Craig Robinson: Yeah, pretend like it's hot when it's cold.
Seth Rogen: Oh.
Craig Robinson: You sitting on the beach, it's freezing, you in your drawers, talking about something, everybody's surfing.
Seth Rogen: [whispering] I think God might've just fucked up, made a mistake and left us behind by accident! I mean, he's got a lot of shit on his plate!
Craig Robinson: It's not oversight, it's not a mistake. Okay, we gotta face facts, we're here and there's a reason we're all here.
James Franco: Wh-Why you so sure?
Craig Robinson: I've- [sighs] I've done things, man, I... I gouged a man's eyeballs out.
Jay Baruchel: What the?
Seth Rogen: Oh, fuck off.
James Franco: Craig.
Craig Robinson: Well I was a kid, man, it was a fuckin' bar fight. It was a bad football game, he said I didn't call spinneys and I fuckin' called spinneys, he got all in my face and I smashed a bottle across his face...
Jay Baruchel: [exhales deeply]
Craig Robinson: And the first eyeball was an accident, but then I was, like, fuck it. And I went for the second one.
Seth Rogen: [exhales deeply]
Craig Robinson: It was fucked up, but you know what? That shit happens, I'm saying that's... I think that's why I'm here.
James Franco: I gotta admit something. I, uh.... I fucked Lindsay Lohan. She was fucked up, she was high. It was at the Chateau Marmont, she kept banging on my door.
Jay Baruchel: [grunts]
James Franco: She kept calling me Jake Gyllenhaal.
Seth Rogen: That's fucked up.
James Franco: Yeah, I said, uh, "Call me the Prince of Persia".
Craig Robinson: See, that's what I'm saying, man. We've all done bad shit, you know? We've done more bad shit than good in our lives and... [sighs] It's time to pay the piper.
[the power suddenly goes out]
Seth Rogen: Whoa.
James Franco: Oh, shit! Something's wrong! [whispers] God did this. [lights lighter] He gave us light, and then he took it away.
Jonah Hill: [growling]
Jay Baruchel: You hear that?! It's the soundtrack of us going insane.
Craig Robinson: [worried about Jonah, whispering] Damn, I wish there was something we could do to help him.
Jay Baruchel: I know what we can do. [blows out lighter]
Jay Baruchel: [trying to perform an exorcism] The power of Christ compels you!
Jonah Hill: [possessed] Guess what? It's not that compelling.
Jay Baruchel: [after he, Seth, and James are attacked by a group of cannibals and everything comes to a halt when Danny comes out of the truck] Danny?
Danny McBride: What the fuck?! You guys are still alive?!
Seth Rogen: Yeah!
Danny McBride: Holy shit, I didn't expect that. [tugs on his leash] Fuck out here. [On the other side of the leash is a gimp complete with a luchador mask, hockey pads and a thong coming out of the truck] Shit, I can't believe you guys are here! That's fuckin' crazy! And your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long time since any of us have eaten. And you three gentlemen look delicious.
Jay Baruchel: What does that have to do with us?
James Franco: The fuck you talking about?
Danny McBride: [laughs] I'm a cannibal hombre! We're gonna fucking eat your ass!
Seth Rogen: Fuck you, you can't eat us! Fuck that, man!
Danny McBride: I do whatever the fuck I want, WHEN I WANT! I've butt-fucked this dude. See that? I fuckin' slide right in that shit, I do whatever I want. This is my gimp! Channing, introduce yourself.
[The gimp lifts his mask, revealing himself as Channing Tatum]
Channing Tatum: Hey, wassup guys? Y'all cool?
James Franco: That's Channing Tatum!
Seth Rogen: That's Channing Tatum, dude. What the fuck?!
Danny McBride: Channing fucking Tatum, I found him wandering on the freeway, I collected him and made him my bitch, get off my dick. I call him "Channing Tate-yum."
James Franco: Hardcore, man.
Danny McBride: I got him trained good, watch, he does tricks. Wait, shake hands.
James Franco: All right, Seth…
Danny McBride:: Fucking roll over.
James Franco: I’m gonna create a diversion…
Seth Rogen: Yeah.
James Franco: …you and Jay make a run for it.
Seth Rogen: What? Danny’s gonna eat you!
James Franco: Listen. Full-on sacrifice for you, dawg, like the ending to Pineapple 2.
Danny McBride: Yeah, lick that! That’s Channing fucking Tatum, dawg!
Channing Tatum: I love him.
Danny McBride: That’s fucking G.I. Joe, dude. He fucking loves me. [laughs]
Seth Rogen: Danny, we’re friends! You can’t eat us!
Danny McBride: I’d love to catch up, but we’re fucking starving, so… LET’S EAT!
James Franco: FUCK YOU!
[when the rapture beam appears on James Franco while he’s fighting the cannibals]
Jay Baruchel: Holy shit!
Seth Rogen: It worked!
Danny McBride: What the fuck?
James Franco: Go to hell, McBride! [sticks up both middle fingers] Fuck you! Ha, ha! Suck my dick!
[after James taunts Danny, the rapture beam disappears and James falls back down on the ground]
Seth Rogen: Oh shit.
James Franco: [horrified] What happened?! What did I do?! Take me back! WHAT DID I DO?!
Danny McBride: I'll tell you what happened, Franco! You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven 'cause you were being petty! Tom Petty. You may not have invited me to your party, but you're the guest of honor at mine.
James Franco: What? NOOOOOO! [Seth and Jay watch in sheer horror and disgust as Danny and Channing bite down on Franco's face and rips off his nose]
Danny McBride: [holding up James' severed nose] HOW FUCKING CRAZY IS THIS?! [shrieks]
James Franco: [last words] DANNY, NOOOOOO!
[the cannibals then eat Franco up to his death]
Danny McBride: SETH! JAY! [three of the cannibals begin to chase Seth and Jay]
Jay Baruchel: Oh shit, they're running after us!
Seth Rogen: Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit, run!
Danny McBride: [last words] BRING THEM TO ME!
Seth Rogen: Fuck!
Cannibal: Get ‘em!
Cannibal 2: Got to get Rogen!
Seth Rogen: Over here! Over here, over here.
[they hide behind a place where the cannibals don’t see them]
Jay Baruchel: What?
Seth Rogen: Shit, shit!
Cannibal: They’re around here somewhere.
Cannibal 2: They kept running you fucking idiots!
Seth Rogen: Shit, are they still here?
Jay Baruchel: I think they’re gone.
Seth Rogen: Are they gone?
Jay Baruchel: Oh, my God.
Seth Rogen: Why did Franco flip off Danny? Why did he have to do that, man? He was in the clear!
Jay Baruchel: That is textbook. Uh… Vanity or…
Seth Rogen: Is it Vanity?
Jay Baruchel: Vanity or envy.
Seth Rogen: Is it envy or wrath?
Jay Baruchel: It’s any of them, man.
Seth Rogen: You can’t do that. It’s being a sore winner, is what it is, more than anything.
Jay Baruchel: That’s exactly what it is.
Seth Rogen: You can’t be a sore winner.
Jay Baruchel: Well, this is another fine mess we found ourselves in. Fuck.

Taglines

[edit]
  • Nothing ruins a party like the end of the world
  • Ending Summer 2013

Cast

[edit]

Note: The entire cast plays fictional versions of themselves.

[edit]
Wikipedia
Wikipedia
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