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“No one ever really gets it.” Zuko said from his place in Sokka’s passenger seat. “I mean I'm sure you feel that way with uh-”
“Dead first girlfriend?” Sokka cuts him off. “It's okay, you can say it.”
Zuko nods “Yeah. That.”
They've been sitting in the car with a bag of fast food trash between them. They were pulled over on the side of the highway near a cliff overlooking the ocean. Other cars were near. Some people stood outside their cars and pointed at the bioluminescent algae that would appear on specific breaking waves. Others stayed in the cab and the smell of weed leaked from cracked windows.
It started out with an anniversary. The day of Zuko 's near death experience was a rough 10 years ago and Sokka was kind enough to roll up to the Jasmine Dragon's parking lot and force him in a drive for Zuko's own mental health. They stopped at a drive through, grabbed some food, and found their way staring at the ocean. The moon was new and the sky dark for all but stars. They first came out here two years ago in the winter on another tragic memorial day; the anniversary of Yue’s death when she and Sokka were 16.
Sokka took a loud slurp from the dredges of his milkshake, mostly sucking air and whipped cream. Zuko had told him he should have stirred it in. When there was officially nothing left in his shake Zuko held his own out to him, only a fourth or so left. Sokka smiled when he took it, motioning for Zuko to continue.
Zuko let himself smile with a goddess to Sokka before looking back towards the sea and continuing. “My dad tried to kill me. And I know everyone says they can see how horrible that is but it's not that it's the rest that has me. Like last year, right? When he died.”
Sokka remembered. Zuko seemed normal to most people, almost insensitively so if you didn't have all the Ozai Lore. Sokka took one look at him though and saw how there was nothing behind his eyes. They were dull and it was almost like wind was blowing behind them. Aang noticed, Katara, Suki, even Toph who couldn't see the hollow stares said she could practically feel it.
“Since we didn't have a funeral and just cremated him I guess. I dunno, I feel like it did something to my brain. Like I never really feel like he's gone.”
“I remember Azula said how she could see Mom behind her in mirrors and I think it's kinda like that. I never saw his dead body so my fight or flight isn't convinced the dangers are gone.”
There was a pregnant pause. Zuko's words waited just behind his lips while he thought them over. His eyes fixed out to the stars and marine layer.
“The problem is that's the part people get. Like it's normal to have PTSD following years of abuse and, you know, attempted murder by your dad. The part that I can't explain to people is that I'm still sad. Because even if I know with all I am that he would never love me. Now it is impossible that I will ever have a relationship with him.” Zuko pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes and groaned low and labored.
“Like, I get it. It wasn't going to happen and after what he did it shouldn't but sometimes I feel deep, deep down that there's still this 12 year old boy who thinks that if he can work hard enough he'll get that father son relationship he always wanted.”
Zuko turned to Sokka, pulling his hands from his eyes. The fireflies that twinkled around his vision framed Sokka well before they vanished. “It's Stupid, right?”
If Sokka wasn't finishing off Zuko's milkshake it would easy to hear the crashing of the waves below. When that stopped and the crumple of the cup entering the bag that held the rest of their trash took it's place. Then there it was, the waves. No seagulls as it was too late, no other voices from those around them in their cars. It was muffled with the windows rolled up but if they were down the gnats that danced on the sand would bite and nip. Zuko still thought they were just Mosquitoes but Sokka had assured him time and time again that they were much worse.
“It sounds like,” Sokka began as he turned to face Zuko. His blue eyes were set stern but his voice was calm and even, “you’re just someone’s child. Anyone would hope that their parents would want them.”
Sokka took the bag of trash and tossed it into the back seat. Then he leaned in, wrapping an arm around Zuko and watched as those pretty gold eyes grew glassy. Zuko Sobbed, sudden and wet as fat tears broke from his lashes. His shoulders shook and he tucked his head into Sokka’s shoulder. Sokka reached over the gear shift to hold him in both arms, ignoring how the knob of it jammed into his gut at an odd angle.
To a lesser extent Sokka understood, and Zuko knew that. He knew Sokka had once mourned a similar concept in his youth. While Zuko mourned the father he would never have, Sokka felt the same for his own mother and the way he could forget her smile. To mourn the loss of something you never had or could barely remember was a true tragedy that they were sorry to say bonded them when they first met, back when they despised one another.
Now as he was held, gripping the fabric of Sokka's shirt in trembling hands, was so grateful they’d moved past that. For someone who thrived in the cold, Sokka was the warmest person Zuko had ever ment. Maybe that's why he did so well. Maybe his personality just warmed his core.
When the sobbing ebbed into sniffling and the tears were just wetness clumping his lashes, Zuko pulled his head back up. His eyes felt puffy and his nose was stuffed. Sokka moved to hold Zuko's cheeks and smiled at him with a pinched brow. “You look like a kid who got scared by the chuck-e-cheese animatronics.”
“Shut up.” Zuko said around a watery laugh.
Sokka laughed in turn then leaned in to kiss Zuko on the forehead. “How about you stay at mine tonight? Text your uncle and we can crawl in my bed, I’ll put on How to Train Your Dragon, and I have those chamoy peach rings you like.”
Zuko glared at him but there was no malice, only a sticky smile. “You saw this coming and prepped, didn't you?”
“From, like, a mile away honestly.” Sokka pinched Zuko's cheek only to have his hand smacked away. He laughed again. “Washed my sheets and everything.” Zuko rolled his eyes.
“Oh you charmer.”
“What can I say, when the love of your life has a deathiversary of the worst person in their life you make some special plans.” Sokka only leaned back in his seat when Zuko did first. Then he turned the key in the ignition and slid the car into reverse to pull back onto the road. “I'm serious when I say that, by the way. I love you.”
Warmth thrummed through Zuko's chest. He still wasn't used to it and he knew Sokka clarified so Zuko was sure that it was true. “You uh,” Zuko started. He paused and felt his face heat. Luckily it was already red from the sobbing so if he did flush it was unnoticeable. “You make me feel loved by you.”
A hush fell over the car, but it was a giddy kind of quiet.
Until.
“That's gay, Zuko”
They both broke out into laughter.
“You're so stupid.” Zuko choked out as he gasped for air.
Sokka snorted. “You love me though!”
And you know what? He was right.
“Yeah. Fuck, Sokka you're so stupid and I love you despite that.”
They drove back to Sokka's after that. No silence in the car, just Sokka scream-singing L.O.V.E by The Hit Crew and Zuko eventually giving in and shouting the fee lines he knew with him. When they got back to Sokka's apartment and Zuko was tucked into one of Sokka's old highschool hockey sweatshirts to sleep, laptop propped up with the Kingdom of Berk on the screen, and spicy candy absolutely annihilated by Zuko alone, Sokka pillowed his cheek on Zuko's head. His eyes were drifting shut and so were Zuko's. That's when Zuko remembered to text his Uncle.
Zuko
[I'll be staying at Sokka's tonight. So sorry I didn't text you earlier.]
Uncle
[That is alright. Thank you for informing me but I trusted Sokka to make sure you would be safe when he picked you up this afternoon.]
Zuko
[Alright uncle.]
[One more thing, thank you]
[For showing me what a loving father is like]
Uncle
[Ofcourse. Even if you are not my son by birth right I have always loved you as such. You are such a wonderful boy and I am lucky to have you in my life. I love you.]
Zuko
[I love you too, Uncle.]