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Zuko knew he was weak. It was told to him from the moment he could understand the words—or even before if he was real with himself—and he was sure the words "you are a dissapontment" were integrated into his soul from the very day he was born. He knew he was weak and it made his heart ache.
He guessed it all started when he was born at night. It was taken as a bad omen immediately. Bad luck would only send the worst to the royal family. How someone from the Fire Lord's bloodline could be born during a moon so high in the sky that the Agni was hiding themselves away from the child. If the Spirit wasn't during his birth, how was that a good sign for the future of the Fire Nation? He knew his Father wanted to kill him then, for the first time, but not the last. Nobody would know about the mistake of a son. He knew he should thank his Mother for that, she saved him—for the first time, but not the last. He would be dead without seeing the sun for the first time, he would not be able to feel its rays, he would not have a chance to feel, touch and tell. He doesn't like to think about that.
Misfortune was right behind him all the time. He could feel its breath on his back. If being born at night wasn't enough, bad luck was proving itself to be the greatest being in his life. For the longest time, everyone thought he was born without the blessing of Agni. A year after a year, his hope was slowly disappearing. It never completely did, soothed by Mother's words he was a late bloomer. A big fire with trouble to start. She promised him he would get the fire to listen to him in time, when it would be necessary. He always held her words close to heart, not wanting to lose the only way to feel hopeful. But another years passed, Azula was born and grew. And she had so much fire and potential. She was strong, steady, a prodigy. More powerful with every day, while he stood in the same place, stuck in a loop of imperfection. He envied her. He wanted to be talented like her, to be loved by Father like her. All he got from him were dirty looks and sharp words that could kill. He would be dead if not for his Mother. Again. He wouldn't know if his bad luck didn't bring him right under the doors of his Parents while they were screaming at each other. He never heard Mother that angry as then and he felt scared in that moment. He hoped to never hear that his Father wanted to kill him for the second time. He didn't want to think that his life could end at 7 years old, when he didn't see so many things. When he didn't befriend every one of the turtleducks, didn't learn all of the constelations, didn't go with Lu Ten to a festival that his Cousin promised to take him to. He would die without feeling any fire on his skin. Thinking about that made him feel so cold.
Bad luck was Zuko's greatest friend, whom he didn't want to have but couldn't get rid of. He once had Lu Ten, but then Lu Ten died. That year was full of losing. With Lu Ten, he also lost his Uncle. He missed them. At first, he didn't understand why his Cousin didn't go back and why his Uncle was so sad. He was angry and sad at first, but then he undestood and was only sad. He cried tears of grief for his Cousin, hoping that now he could see all the stars he could. He hoped his Uncle would be okay and he wanted to hug him, but he wasn't there. The year didn't start great and was only getting worse. He never knew being 11 years old would be hard, but the happy tone of Azula saying—almost singing—that Father was going to kill him wasn't exactly a pleasurable experience. It was becoming so tiring to think that Father hates him so that much he looks at every possible opportunity to get rid of him. He didn't believe Azula at first, didn't want to believe. Azula always lies. He thought that finally being able to show his fire would be enough for his Father. But Azula's words echoed in his mind. He had whole life before him. He still didn't perfect firebending, didn't win with Piandao using his dao swords, didn't learn enough about the world. He worried all night until he fell asleep, but he didn't die that night. He didn't die, but he never saw his Mother again and Father became the Fire Lord. He didn't like to think about that day or year.
He shouldn't speak up. He shouldn't. He shouldn't. He shouldn't. But he did. He never regretted anything, like that moment when he stood before his Father and not the general he insulted. If he knew he would fight the Fire Lord from the beginning, he would never agree to that Agni Kai. He would never speak up about sacrificing a whole division of new recruits, no matter how horrible the idea was. But it was already too late. He never experienced so much pain as when his Father cupped his face with his hand. He should know it wasn't done with affection but with malice. He still hoped it was a moment of desired fondness and love. That was the first time he wished that he would die. Wished to die, even before saying goodbye to the turtleducks, Uncle, Azula and Agni. Wished to die before hearing the last words.
But he didn't die. He lived in pain so long, he forgot about life before it. His face hurt, left side ached with throbbing pain. His head hurt, but he didn't know if from the injury or his overwhelming thoughts. His heart hurt at the memory of his Father's words and fire. The rocking of the ship made him nauseous, making him lose balance and orientation. It took him so long to get used to the never-ending skies and seas and oceans. But the stars were more beautiful and sometimes he found himself feeling thankful. He could see the world, visit all the places he always hoped to see. But then he reminded himself of his goal and it destroyed his thankful and hopeful feelings. He had to catch the Avatar.
He sacrificed all this time to searching for the Avatar. For Aang. He finally was back home, with his Father proud, but it didn't feel right. He knew Aang wasn't dead and Azula lied. Azula always lies. He knew he could stay still and be happy with what he has now, but even if he dreamed of going home for the last three years... It didn't feel like home anymore. Something was eating at his soul, telling him he was in the wrong place, that he should go and go fast. So he wasn't surprised when he again found himself before his Father, telling him everything. Every little thing that was bothering him from the youngest years. Everything was going well until the mention of his Mother and then thunder. He shouldn't be disappointed that the Fire Lord again tried to kill him. And he would kill him if he wasn't expecting it. He should thank his Uncle for teaching him how to redirect the lighting. Oh, Uncle. He should first apologize if he gets the chance. But now he had to get away from this place and find Avatar.
Zuko always knew he was weak. He was always told his fire was weak, almost non-existent. He knew he was weak because Father didn't love him and Azula laughed at him. He knew he was weak because burns hurt. He knew he was weak because his heart cried after seeing hurt people. But as the war was ending, with Azula and Ozai in chains, with people he came to call his friends and family next to him, he felt so proud of being weak.