How to Communicate with Your Narcissistic Husband

What to say to a narcissistic spouse

Co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and Sophie Burkholder, BA

Last Updated: July 23, 2024 Fact Checked

When you’re married to someone with narcissistic tendencies, talking to them can feel like walking on eggshells. You might feel like your husband has an inflated ego, is often angry or impatient, or has difficulty handling his own emotions. But with the right amount of empathy and a little understanding, you can talk with your husband and avoid big arguments. In this article, we’ll tell you everything you need to know about how to talk to a spouse with narcissistic qualities in order to have calm and productive conversations as a couple.

How to Talk to a Husband with Narcissistic Tendencies

Use “I” and “we” language when bringing up issues.
Choose which battles are worth arguing over.
Pair any criticisms with twice the amount of compliments.
Remain calm and try to ignore his angry or mean comments.
Set and maintain firm boundaries.
Trust your own perspective over his.
Encourage him to see a therapist.

1

Use “we” language.

Share the blame between you two so your husband doesn’t feel attacked. It can be difficult for someone with narcissistic traits to accept blame (even when they’re definitively in the wrong). If you’re bringing up an issue with your husband, try to include yourself in the issue as well so he doesn’t feel like you’re attacking him. This will usually lead to a more productive conversation since you’re starting out on the right foot.^{[1]
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- “I noticed we’ve been falling behind on chores a bit lately. Could we talk about a chore chart again?”
- “We seem to be having some communication issues. How could we work on those together?”
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2

Stay calm, even if he gets angry.

Staying calm helps deescalate a situation before it blows up. If your husband comes to you and starts yelling or berating you, take a deep breath, and do your best to remain calm. If you can keep your own emotions in check, he’s much more likely to follow your lead, so you can avoid a huge argument.^{[2]
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- Staying calm in the face of his anger can be difficult, but keep reminding yourself that you’ll have a much more productive conversation if you can avoid blowing up at him.
- Feel free to excuse yourself if you need to. Sometimes, saying, “I just need 5 minutes. I’ll be right back,” can give you a few minutes to yourself to regroup.
- It's always important to approach your conversation with a clear mind, especially if your husband isn’t treating you with empathy or understanding.

3

Pick your battles.

Your husband may be very sensitive to criticism. In a perfect world, you’d be able to talk to your partner about anything that’s bothering you, big or small. However, when you’re in a relationship with someone who reacts to confrontation in a narcissistic way, you only want to bring up the major issues. Learning to let things go will help you avoid conflict in your relationship, and it can make you both much happier in the long run.^{[3]
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- Your husband leaving crumbs on the couch? Probably not worth fighting over.
- Your husband calling you names and making you feel belittled? Definitely worth bringing up.
- Your husband forgetting to take out the trash? If it’s a one-time thing, you can let it go.
- Your husband constantly blaming you for things you didn’t do? That's worth talking to him about.
- Although people with narcissistic tendencies often act like they're superior to others, this behavior really stems from a profound sense of worthlessness that's easily triggered.
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4

Combine any criticism with a compliment.

You can appeal to your husband’s ego to make him more receptive. If you ever have to bring up something that might sound like criticism to him, try to put it in a “compliment sandwich.” Start out with something positive, then tell him your constructive criticism, and end it with another positive thing about him.^{[4]
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- “You’ve been working so hard at your job lately, I’m so proud of you. I know you must be tired when you come home, but would you mind putting your dirty clothes in the hamper instead of on the floor? I know you want to make things easier on me because you’re such a good husband, and this would help me out a lot.”

5

Let negative comments roll off your back.

Your husband may say pointed, mean things to rile you up. The best thing to do in these moments is to brush off his comments and keep going on with your day. The more you can ignore the rude, nasty things he might say, the less likely he is to try to use them to lower your self-esteem.^{[5]
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HelpGuide
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Go to source} It can be tough, but try to remind yourself that if you don’t respond, he doesn’t get any satisfaction out of it.
- Using humor is another good way to shut down mean comments. Try saying something like, “Wow, that was a good insult. Did that take you a while to come up with?” to stop him in his tracks.
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6

Move on instead of waiting for an apology.

Unfortunately, some people have a hard time apologizing to others. If you and your husband get in a fight, he’s probably going to try to move past it, even if you feel like he owes you an apology. Asking him to say he’s sorry may just make him angry, so do your best to move forward instead of waiting on him to do the right thing.^{[6]
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- It can be hard to move on without an apology, especially when you feel like you deserve one. Try to remember that your husband most likely knows he should apologize, but his own issues are making it difficult for him to do so.
- If your husband has been professionally diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), then apologizing may actually be near-impossible for him to do. People with NPD often struggle to own up to their mistakes as a result of their condition.^{[7]
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- Sometimes, people with NPD or narcissistic tendencies will give you gifts or make gestures instead of saying “I’m sorry.” If your husband buys you dinner or gives you a bouquet of flowers after a big fight, take that as his way of apologizing.

7

Try not to brag about your accomplishments.

Your husband may often feel threatened by the success of people around him. If something awesome happens to you and you want to tell your husband about it, keep it low-key, and try not to make him feel threatened. Tread carefully when telling him about work promotions or getting a raise—unfortunately, he could take it as an attack on him and his own achievements.^{[8]
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- “Oh, did I tell you I got that promotion at work? Yeah, we’ll see if I can handle it. Anyway, how was your day?”
- If you do want to gush about something really cool that happened to you, try calling up a friend or family member instead.
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8

Set and maintain clear boundaries.

Boundaries will help you feel more powerful in your relationship. Oftentimes, a spouse with narcissistic traits will push their partner’s boundaries in order to take control of the other person. Be sure that you’re setting (and sticking with) firm boundaries that you don’t let your husband cross.^{[9]
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- “If you keep yelling at me, I’m going to walk away. I won’t listen to you when you’re like this.”
- “Please don’t criticize me in public, it makes me feel uncomfortable. If you keep doing that, I won’t go out on dates with you anymore.”
- “I don’t want to fight with you in front of the kids. This can wait until later.”

9

Trust yourself over your husband.

People with narcissistic qualities may lie or exaggerate to make you feel bad. As you interact with your husband, it’s very important that you have a good sense of self, and that you hang onto that so you don’t let him get you down. Take a quick inventory of who you are: what do you like about yourself? What are your hobbies? What do your friends think of you? Then, keep those things in mind the next time your husband tries to make you feel bad about yourself.^{[10]
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- If your husband says something like, “You can’t do anything right,” think to yourself, “My friends know that I’m a strong, capable person.”
- If your husband tells you, “You’re so boring,” you might think, “I have fun hobbies that I enjoy, and other people like hearing about them.”
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10

Lean on your support system.

Your friends and family can be a source of comfort in your life. Being married to someone who displays narcissistic traits isn’t easy, and oftentimes, they can’t give you everything you need out of a relationship. Talk to your friends and family when you need to, and don’t be shy about getting advice from them, either.^{[11]
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- Try to bond with people who love you and want the best for you. If you can be your authentic self around them, you can come back to your husband feeling refreshed and ready to handle his behavior.
- Over time, people might get frustrated hearing about your husband’s behavior, and they could advise you to leave him. If divorce isn’t something you’re considering, you may have to keep your complaints about the relationship to yourself.
- If your mental or physical health is in danger, however, it’s important to confide in your loved ones so that they can support you and help you seek safety if and when you need it.

11

Encourage your husband to seek therapy.

People with narcissistic traits can treat their symptoms with professional help. If your relationship is getting tough to handle, talk to your husband about seeing a therapist. There, he can talk about his struggles and learn how to cope with his tendencies, all while maintaining a loving relationship with you.^{[12]
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- However, people with diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are often resistant to trying therapy. It may take some time before you convince your husband to see a psychologist.
- You could also suggest trying couple’s counseling. If you go together, your spouse may be more inclined to follow through.
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Keep in mind that narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a legitimate mental health condition that can only be diagnosed by a mental health professional. Just because someone has some (or many) traits of NPD doesn’t mean that they’re a narcissist, and labeling someone with that term without the proper diagnosis can cause more harm than good.^{[13]
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Remember that you deserve to be loved and feel happy. Ending your relationship probably isn’t what you want to do, but it is a valid option if your husband’s behavior becomes too much to handle.

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