9 Signs Your Wife Is a Narcissist & How to Handle Her

Learn to detect and combat narcissistic tendencies in your partner

Dealing with a spouse who has narcissistic traits can be difficult and isolating, but you don’t have to do it alone. If your wife has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), keep in mind that this mental health condition is not something she can always control—but there are support groups and tools you can use to navigate this challenging time. If your wife doesn’t have an official diagnosis, she can still exhibit narcissistic behaviors without being labeled as a narcissist. In this article, we’ll walk you through the top 8 signs of narcissistic behavior in your partner and provide expert-approved advice to help you cope. Stay strong and keep your chin up—things can change for the better at any time.

Things You Should Know

  • A wife with a narcissistic personality type might be manipulative, jealous, highly critical, threatening, and lacking empathy or care for others.
  • Cope with your spouse’s behavior by setting boundaries, prioritizing your own needs and goals, and letting her criticism roll off your back.
  • If you’re dealing with a wife who has NPD, don't hesitate to seek help. A therapist or a licensed professional can provide valuable advice that may improve your situation.
Section 1 of 3:

Signs of Narcissistic Behavior in Your Wife

  1. Step 1 She sets unreasonable expectations.
    She may think she is perfect and expect you to be the same. In her eyes, you represent her achievements, so if she thinks you aren’t looking your best, being funny enough, or treating her exactly how she wants to be treated, she may retaliate with unwarranted cruelty and negative comments. While a healthy relationship is centered around working as a team, a wife with narcissistic qualities will expect you to do everything without room for error—but you deserve an equal partnership that makes you feel loved and supported!
    • Your wife may also take any opportunity to turn things into a competition to show you how you’re failing her.
    • For example, she may undermine your work achievements by bringing up something good she did at work to distract from your well-deserved success.
  2. Step 2 She manipulates you.
    One of the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder is a seemingly-obsessive sense of superiority—however, this trait is a result of a deeply fragile ego and low self-esteem. If your wife struggles with this narcissistic behavior, she may blame you or even your children for problems and refuse to accept responsibility in your way. Even if you deny your involvement in her problems, she may try to manipulate you into believing that you have it all wrong.
    • For example, your wife may try to manipulate you by calling you a “loser,” “stupid,” or “worthless” in the hopes that you start to believe her and think that she’s the only one who could ever love you.
    • It’s important to remember that you deserve love and respect, despite what she may try to tell you.
    • It’s also important to remember that this behavior may be abusive and manipulative, but that doesn’t mean it stems from narcissism.
    • Anyone can exhibit toxic traits, and it doesn’t mean that they have NPD. Likewise, not everyone with NPD is abusive or cruel, and many people with NPD work hard to overcome the symptoms of their personality disorder.[1]
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  3. Step 3 She gaslights you.
    Gaslighting is a tactic used by manipulative individuals to convince you that you're misremembering their actions so that they don’t look bad. For example, if you got into a fight with your wife and she physically abused you, she might say that that never happened if you bring it up in the future. To identify if you’re in a gaslighting relationship, take note of whether your wife makes you question your memories, tries to change the subject when you bring up a difficult topic, or trivializes your feelings.[2]
    • Your wife may try to gaslight you by saying, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You never said what I was doing was making you upset, so how am I supposed to know to stop?”
    • Write down when and what your wife does so you can refer to it and know you’re not misremembering her actions.
  4. Step 4 She victim-blames you.
    Victim-blaming is when someone implies or says that someone who’s experienced harmful behavior is responsible for what happened to them, and this tactic is common amongst people with narcissistic traits or related personality disorders. For example, your wife might deflect her poor actions by blaming them on you or her children. Additionally, she may lie to make herself look better and flip the script to turn herself into the victim when it's you who’s deserving of an apology.[3]
    • Your spouse may try to victim-blame you by saying, “You know I think you look ugly in that shirt, so don’t expect me to treat you like you deserve my attention when you look ridiculous.”
    • Try to let her criticism roll off your back. Someone who’s displaying narcissistic behaviors likely has an extremely fragile ego—they may even feel threatened when you look better than them.
  5. Step 5 She uses sex and emotional intimacy as a weapon.
    When you’re in an intimate relationship with an abusive or manipulative individual, they may use sexual coercion and starve you of emotional intimacy as a manipulation tactic. Sexual coercion is when someone pressures you or uses their influence to have sex with you to get something they want. Your wife may attempt to sexually coerce you by only being intimate with you when she has a favor to ask, like getting her a new car, etc.[4]
    • Wives with narcissistic traits won’t just withhold sexual intimacy—they’ll also keep you at a distance emotionally by refusing to open up to you about their true thoughts and feelings. This may leave you feeling like she knows everything about you, but you know nothing about her.
  6. Step 6 She’s always jealous about something.
    A wife with narcissistic qualities is not above being jealous of your relationship with your family, friends, children, and even pets if it means your attention is away from her. As a result of her jealousy and secret insecurities, she will make you feel guilty for not providing her with your full attention and demand that you stay away from anyone else.[5]
    • An unhealthily jealous wife can be identified by her desire to belittle and embarrass you in front of anyone distracting you from her so that you won’t want to be around them again.
    • For example, she might say, “Did you know Dan almost got fired from his job?” to humiliate and isolate you from the ones you love.
  7. Step 7 She’s constantly trying to provoke you or get violent.
    It doesn't matter what you do or how well you do it—your wife will find a way to tear you down and criticize you when you don’t deserve it. She may push you to your wit's end by searching for ways to get under your skin and show no remorse for verbally abusing you because she feels her actions are justified.[6]
    • For example, your wife might try to provoke you with a cruel statement like, “It’s so embarrassing that you haven’t been able to make any new friends since we moved here. I already have at least 5—there must be something wrong with you.”
    • Tragically, some cases of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or narcissistic qualities lead to domestic abuse. If you’ve been the victim of abuse from your partner, don’t hesitate to use a resource like the Domestic Abuse Hotline for help.
  8. Step 8 She threatens you to get her way.
    It's common for partners with narcissistic traits to try to take away something important to you in order to manipulate you into doing their bidding. They may threaten to leave you, abandon the children, or withhold financial funding to bend you to their will. It’s important to remember that you never have to accept any ultimatums you’re uncomfortable with—she does not control you.[7]
    • Your wife may criticize your parenting skills and threaten to take away contact with your children if you don’t abide by her rules. For example, she might say, “I can’t believe the way you act around the kids—I’m going to send them to their grandparents so they can get away from you.”
    • If you attempt to do something without her, she may try to freeze your access to your joint bank account so you can’t pay for the activity or do anything without her.
  9. Step 9 She shows no remorse for her actions or care for your feelings.
    Because everything has to revolve around her, a manipulative and self-centered wife will show little to no care for the needs or feelings of those closest to her, including you and her kids. Additionally, because she believes that she is worthy of special treatment and never does anything wrong, your partner won’t stop for a minute to think about or admit to any of her poor treatment to you or others.[8]
    • Her lack of empathy won’t just stop at you. If your wife has symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), she likely struggles to feel empathy in the same way that you do.[9] She may relate less to animals or current events unless they directly affect her quality of life.
    • If you had a terrible day on the job or even lost a loved one, she may respond, “Well, my day was even worse. You can’t imagine how hard it is to be alone with the kids because you’re always off at work, so I have to do everything!”
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Section 2 of 3:

Can you improve your relationship with someone who has NPD?

  1. Clinical therapy can help treat symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder.
    NPD is a mental health condition that must be diagnosed by a clinical psychologist. While NPD can’t be cured, it may help to attend couples therapy sessions with your wife where she can begin to address her symptoms and behaviors with the help of a professional.[10]
    • It can be difficult to convince someone with NPD to attend therapy, as their personality disorder makes it challenging for them to recognize their own faults and negative behavior.
    • In this situation, you have to do what’s best for you. It may be hard to leave your partner, but you deserve to be in a healthy, loving, and supportive relationship—not one that makes you feel defeated and alone.[11]
    • Don’t be too quick to diagnose your wife with NPD, as NPD only affects around 1% of the population and is less likely in women. Your wife may have narcissistic traits but not be a true narcissist, a classification that only a licensed professional can determine.
Section 3 of 3:

Coping with a Wife with Narcissistic Tendencies

  1. Step 1 Focus on your own goals and needs.
    One of the defining traits of narcissistic personality disorder is a lack of empathy.[12] Someone with narcissistic qualities may expect all your attention to be on them all the time, so you’ll likely have no time to address your own goals or needs. While it may be challenging, take a step back from your wife and focus on yourself.[13] Now is a good time to ask questions like, “What’s my dream in life?” or “What have I been wanting to get done, but haven’t had time to do it?”
    • Manipulative and toxic people prey on loyalty and dedication, so if they push back when you’re no longer showing them those traits, say, “Just like your needs are important, so are mine. I have my own things I need to focus on right now.”
  2. Step 2 Praise your partner for their good behavior.
    People with narcissistic personalities may crave attention and congratulations for their actions. So if your wife does something nice for you, be sure to let her know you appreciate it. Her need to be adored may be so intense that she might try to improve her behavior if only to receive praise for it.[14]
    • If your wife buys you a new shirt, tell her, “I love it! It means so much to me that you wanted to make me feel special.”
    • If she cooks you dinner, say, “Wow, this is an excellent meal. Thank you for going out of your way to make me something delicious to eat.”
  3. Step 3 Set clear boundaries with her.
    Regardless of whether your wife decides to follow them, it’s critical to set boundaries with her that explicitly detail what you’re uncomfortable with. While you can’t control whether or not she adheres to them, setting healthy boundaries may lead your wife to correct some of her actions over time.
    • For example, say, “I’m not ok with you using my insecurities against me. I’m walking away from this situation,” or, “Please let me talk instead of speaking over me. I don’t like it when you ignore what I have to say.”
  4. Step 4 Recognize that you can’t make your partner change.
    While it’s important to stand up for yourself and have open, honest conversations about your feelings with your wife, that doesn’t mean she will change. If your wife has narcissistic qualities or an NPD diagnosis, she may genuinely struggle to recognize those traits in herself. Your wife’s potential insecurities and inability to self-reflect may cause her to flip around any feedback you give her to be your own personal failure.[15]
    • If you and your wife can’t come to a peaceful resolution to a situation she’s fixated on, you have the right to remove yourself from it both emotionally and physically. Picking your battles will help you to protect your emotional well-being.
    • Being in a relationship with someone with NPD can be challenging. It’s ok to feel overwhelmed or disappointed—your emotions are valid. You can simultaneously recognize that their symptoms may result from trauma or a mental health condition, while also knowing that you have the right to leave a situation that’s unhealthy for you, if that’s the case.
  5. Step 5 Affirm your self-worth by not internalizing her hurtful comments.
    Your wife may try to bring you down by belittling or making fun of you, so it’s important not to take these digs seriously. When your partner says something offensive, remind yourself of your self-worth by repeating a mantra like, “I am worthy of respect,” or “I am intelligent, kind, and caring.” You and your partner are equals, and she cannot undermine your strength of character.[16]
    • When you challenge your relationship dynamic, you take back your power. For example, if your partner insults you, say, “I know my worth, and I won’t react to comments that I know aren’t true.”
  6. Step 6 Consider seeking the help of a professional or joining a support group.
    Help is out there! Many people have and are in relationships with people who have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). These partnerships are not hopeless, and their challenges can be managed with the help of licensed professionals.[17]
    • A therapist or licensed professional may be able to provide you with actionable advice to implement into your relationship or guide you through a divorce.
    • Plus, support platforms (like GoodTherapy) for people who are in the same situation are an excellent way for you to connect and meet with people who truly understand what you’re going through.
    • Your wife may be showing narcissistic behavior without actually having narcissistic personality disorder. Regardless, a counselor or support group can help you with any types of behaviors that are making you feel unsafe and or hurt in your relationship.
    • Don’t hesitate to reach out to your loved ones for help and advice. Knowing when you need support is a sign of strength, not weakness.
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Warnings

  • Avoid labeling anyone as a “narcissist,” especially if they don’t have diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder. People with this mental health condition deal with a lot of stigma, despite the fact that many of them live productive lives with healthy relationships. By labeling people as “narcissists” when you really mean they’re just manipulative or abusive, you add to the stigma around this very real and challenging personality disorder.
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Expert Interview

Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about narcissism, check out our in-depth interview with Liana Georgoulis, PsyD.

References

  1. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20366690
  2. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/gaslighting/
  3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2019/08/narcissists-blame-projection#6
  4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2015/06/the-stages-of-narcissistic-sexual-abuse
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201807/what-makes-some-narcissists-mean-competitive-and-jealous
  6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2019/10/5-terrifying-ways-narcissists-and-psychopaths-manufacture-chaos-provoke-and-manipulate-you
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201803/why-do-narcissists-threaten-those-they-love
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201511/7-things-only-narcissists-do
  9. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/
  1. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
  2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2019/09/why-couples-therapy-doesnt-work-for-people-in-abusive-relationships-with-narcissists#1
  3. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/
  4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/pro/recovery-expert/2020/01/traits-narcissists-appreciate-in-their-targets#1
  5. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3119754/
  6. ↑ https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/a-narcissistic-abuser-will-never-change
  7. ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/narcissistic-relationships/
  8. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

About this article

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Co-authored by:
Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
This article was co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD and by wikiHow staff writer, Sophie Burkholder, BA. Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Los Angeles, California. She is the founder and clinical director of Coast Psychological Services. With over 12 years of experience, her mission is to provide clients with effective, well-studied, and established treatments that bring about significant improvements in her patients' lives. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples. Additionally, she provides group therapy for social anxiety, social skills, and assertiveness training. Providing a space where clients feel understood and supported is essential to her work. Dr. Georgoulis also provides clinical supervision to post-doctoral fellows and psychological assistants. She received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University and a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles.
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