Spoilers for season three of The Traitors (U.S.) ahead! Consider yourself warned!
The number of roommates in the Traitors castle is dropping more quickly than in a Bushwick polycule of seven who prematurely decided to move in together. The Faithfuls are getting murdered left and right and turning against one another, casting their own out to be banished and never heard from again. It’s so ruthless in there you’d think we were on day four of Bama rush. And as the cast dwindles, we have fewer fashion feasts for the eyes — no more Bob the Drag Queen in puffy Loewe glasses, no more Chrishell Stause in her oui oui–esque hats, no more Bob Harper wearing a multi-thousand-dollar outfit (head-to-toe Thom Browne) on a trail run. Hell, I’m even mourning never seeing Boston Rob’s backwards hat in the mansion again.
That said, the remaining members of this motley crew are trying their darndest to put on a little sartorial show for those of us watching in our sweats from home. Dolores Catania and Ciara Miller carried the cast on their backs this episode. Not only did the two break out their little Burberry trenches for us, but each came dressed utterly inadequately for a challenge that respectively involved sprinting and getting squirted with mysterious liquids — Dolores in a white, cottage-core-esque milkmaid dress and Ciara in a studious gray, woolen pleated skirt with a matching sweater and heeled boots. We have to thank them for dressing so improperly. The house is sorely missing some divadom, and these girls are single-handedly injecting it back into its hallowed halls.
And those who get points for effort (not execution) this episode are Britney Haynes, who is still addicted to wearing a headband from circa 2012, and Dylan Efron, who looks soooooo Hollywood (something previously reserved for his actor brother) in his oversize sunglasses. He saw that Joan Didion Celine ad and said, “I have to have that.” Also, the deep blue of his sweater is making me really want to watch Aquamarine. Tom Sandoval went dark academia, likely high on the fact he finally followed a clue correctly in last week’s episode. After surviving murder by the Traitors, he also admitted to feeling so uptight he thought that if he farted, only a dog could hear it. (Yes, he really said that. And may I please direct your attention toward this clip from Gabby Windey’s podcast, in which she reveals that this was a major problem with the men’s colons on set.) But you know what, even though he looked ridiculous during the challenge (this man was getting sprayed by creepy porcelain dolls with some questionable white liquid while crouched over, letting toys whisper sorcery into his ears), that sweater seems to be helping him in the deductive-reasoning department this episode. He found those reversed lullabies and sang his little heart out. Unfortunately, he lost all the meager respectability points he gained within the cast when he misspoke and said women were “better cheaters” instead of “better Traitors.” Freudian slip! As our culture editor noted, “I need a map of his mind.”
While we may never understand Sandoval — his brain, his outfits, his aversion to the truth in all forms — we do understand fashion. Here are this week’s rankings, from most traitorous to most faithful, based on outfit alone.
Very Traitorous: Ciara, your outfits are too svelte. Your YSL shoes too fab. When someone can’t help but shine, those who can’t help but be dull will try and find a way to tear you down — rid themselves of you and the glow that makes them feel lesser. Your head will have nowhere to be but on the chopping block for banishment. They’ll tell you to take it as a compliment, but it won’t hurt any less :/
Traitorous: Sam Asghari! That red sweater is so loud it’s practically screaming at me!
Faithful: I can’t picture Dolores doing anything other than maybe fetching the eggs from the coop in that coquette dress, so she gets to fly under the radar this week.
Very Faithful: I have to hand it to Ivar. He dresses like every single midwestern dad watching their kid play mediocre, yet adorable, rec soccer on a Saturday morning after drinking too many beers in front of the TV the night before. Someone call Paddington so two of the most naïve royal-apologists can get together for afternoon tea.
As always, honorable mention to Lala and her sweet Blue State Fair ribbon. I wonder if she heard Sandoval’s pressurized fart?
[Editor’s note: We’ll be talking about the most outrageous outfits every episode this season, so tune back for more. And as far as photos go, we are giving you as many images as Daddy NBC will let us have. We will grovel for more in the coming weeks.]