Module 10 Essay Questions

1. Discuss Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, and indicate how the three components combine
to form different kinds of love.

Sternberg’s triangular theory of love recalls the way Greek philosophy distinguishes between different
types of love, but with a more alchemical slant. In Sternberg’s theory, 3 types of primary love are
identified as passion, intimacy, and commitment. In my understanding of the theory, these three types of
love form the points of the triangle, and each possible combination has its own type of love associated
with it. The description and diagram in the book seems confusingly written and incomplete. Passion
refers to the physical and sexual attraction most often felt strongly in the beginning stages of love.
Intimacy is the love felt through the sharing of each other’s lives, and involves the warmth of developing
friendship. Commitment is love on a more cognitive level, involving the conscious decision to be faithful
and loyal to someone, and stay involved in the relationship.

The next stage of the theory involves the combination of these primary types of love, like color mixing.
When passion and intimacy are brought together, we find romantic love (which the textbook seems to
wrongly equate to passion). If passion and commitment are present, but no intimacy, Sternberg referred
to this as fatuous love. And if commitment and intimacy are combined, without passion, we have
companionate love. When all three are present in a relationship, Sternberg called this consummate love.
I believe each individual type of love can exist on its own and has a separate label as well but I can’t
remember the others except for infatuation (passion alone) which is listed in the textbook.

2. Describe what steps you would recommend to reduce a friend’s loneliness.

As someone who has struggled a lot with loneliness, I think this question is a good one! I think the
primary issue is the state of the friend’s interpersonal relationships. Research has shown that positive
social connections and supportive friends greatly reduces feelings of loneliness, and, in reference to the
theory of love above, even without a partner, individuals can find intimate and committed love through
friends and family. A good relationship with a therapist can also be incredibly helpful for people suffering
from loneliness, since I believe the primary experience of loneliness is feeling that no one else knows or
understands our inner and outer experience. An effective therapy environment may also help the person
untangle some reasons why they are feeling the loneliness and what changes might be most effective in
addressing it. For instance, there is certainly something to be said for encouraging the lonely individual to
take steps to seek out a partner relationship, if that is something they want. At the end of the day, almost
all of us just need to be in positive relationships of some kind with others, and be in community, and as a
community we must do what we can to make sure we are looking out for each other.

3. Discuss the factors and myths related to marital satisfaction.

Many factors contribute to marital satisfaction. The text discusses many related studies, which show the
following influential factors: the presence of premarital education, a satisfying sex life, a higher level of
education in each partner, not living together prior to marriage, and having a warm interpersonal
relationship. Additionally, Gottman’s research on married couples suggests that couples who develop a
close understanding of the other, and are willing to be changed and influenced by the other, who are
able to solve conflicts, and who can create meaning in their lives together will be much more happy and
fulfilled in their marriage. In certain ways, we can see these various factors as falling under the different
categories of love as described by Sternberg. We see the presence of intimacy in the formation of love
maps, the creation of meaning and the prioritization of the marital friendship. We see the commitment in
the dedication to solving conflicts and working through sticking points, and not running away in these
more difficult times. And we see the passion in the presence of a healthy and satisfying sex life.

Related to these findings are some myths that can cause people difficulties if they are held onto (hence
the importance of premarital education). The biggest one is that marriage shouldn’t have conflict, should
be easy, and shouldn’t need therapy or help. Some people get really worried and concerned if their new
marriage starts to have issues or conflicts, but it helps to know that this is normal, and that working
through conflict is a huge part of developing a relationship. Connected to the findings about the
importance of sex in a marriage, some people believe that a marriage must have a successful and
abiding romantic element, when in fact, it is the emotional intimacy and commitment that, in the long run,
is most important. Some people also wrongly decide to have kids in the hopes that they will help a
struggling marriage. This rarely works. Also, some believe that their marital satisfaction will decrease
over time, as they potentially age out of the initial stages of passion and intense romance and novelty.
However, this belief is contrary to research which has shown that marital satisfaction actually increases
with age, as couples successfully navigate all of life’s challenges. Finally, as the text discusses, the myth
of opposites attracting, while perhaps applicable in some cases, is in fact false to a large extent, as
people who experience consensual validation are more likely to feel satisfaction in their relationship.

4. The chart showing divorce rate as a function of number of years married (page 460) shows a
sudden drop after ten years of marriage. What factors can you think of that might explain this
pattern?
The dropoff in divorce rates after 10 years of marriage would seem to arise from a number of connected
factors. The first years of marriage for most couples involve a profound new experience of getting to
know the other person much more fully and deeply and discovering how they are in many different
situations, including stressful and challenging ones. As the marriage develops, and issues arise, it can
take years for couples to develop an understanding of any significant larger issues, and then years more
to find out whether those issues are, as Gottman puts it, solvable or perpetual. By ten years of marriage,
one can imagine that the majority of the major issues would have shown up, and either been solved or
not. If a couple makes it through that more tumultuous first decade, then the remaining decades promise
to be more stable and dependable. Also, one has to imagine that at a certain point, the amount of time
and energy and resources one has invested in a relationship starts to carry a lot of weight and be a
significant deterrent to ending it.