re

vi
ew
co
py
re
vi
ew
co
py
 Autistic
LOGISTICS
py
co
ew
vi
re
of related interest

The Autism Discussion Page on the core challenges of autism

A toolbox for helping children with autism
feel safe, accepted, and competent
Bill Nason
ISBN 978 1 84905 994 7
eISBN 978 0 85700 942 5

The Autism Discussion Page on anxiety, behavior, school, and

parenting strategies
A toolbox for helping children with autism
feel safe, accepted, and competent
Bill Nason
ISBN 978 1 84905 995 4
eISBN 978 0 85700 943 2

Parenting without Panic

py
A Pocket Support Group for Parents of Children and
co
Teens on the Autism Spectrum (Asperger’s Syndrome)
Brenda Dater
ISBN 978 1 84905 941 1
eISBN 978 0 85700 958 6
ew

101 Tips for Parents of Children with Autism

Effective Solutions for Everyday Challenges
Arnold Miller and Theresa Smith
vi

Foreword by Dr. Paul J Callahan

ISBN 978 1 84905 960 2
re

eISBN 978 0 85700 818 3

Managing Meltdowns
Using the S.C.A.R.E.D. Calming Technique with
Children and Adults with Autism
Deborah Lipsky and Will Richards
ISBN 978 1 84310 908 2
eISBN 978 1 84642 917 0

Ready, Set, Potty!

Toilet Training for Children with Autism and
Other Developmental Disorders
Brenda Batts
ISBN 978 1 84905 833 9
eISBN 978 0 85700 310 2
 Autistic
LOGISTICS
A Parent’s Guide to Tackling Bedtime,
Toilet Training, Tantrums, Hitting,
py
and Other Everyday Challenges
co
ew

Kate Wilde
vi
re

Jessica Kingsley Publishers

London and Philadelphia
First published in 2015
by Jessica Kingsley Publishers
73 Collier Street
London N1 9BE, UK
and
400 Market Street, Suite 400
Philadelphia, PA 19106, USA

www.jkp.com

Copyright © Kate Wilde 2015

Front cover image source: [iStockphoto®/Shutterstock®]. The cover image is for

illustrative purposes only, and any person featuring is a model.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any

py
material form (including photocopying or storing it in any medium by
electronic means and whether or not transiently or incidentally to some
other use of this publication) without the written permission of the copyright
co
owner except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright, Designs
and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright
Licensing Agency Ltd, Saffron House, 6–10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS.
Applications for the copyright owner’s written permission to reproduce any
ew

part of this publication should be addressed to the publisher.

Warning: The doing of an unauthorised act in relation to a copyright work may

result in both a civil claim for damages and criminal prosecution.
vi

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

re

A CIP catalog record for this book is available from the Library of Congress

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 978 1 84905 779 0

eISBN 978 1 78450 016 0

Printed and bound in Great Britain

To my mother, Elizabeth McCormick—thank you for your

py
amazing and continual support, love, and wisdom.
co
ew
vi
re
re
vi
ew
co
py
 CONTENTS

Acknowledgements. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9
My Story. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11
How to Read This Book. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17

Chapter 1.
Chapter 2. py
Understanding Our Children’s Experience. . .
Creating Clear and Strong Boundaries. . . . .
21
35
co
Chapter 3. Believe in Your Child’s Ability to Learn. . . . . 51
Chapter 4. Motivation. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57
ew

Chapter 5. Talk to Your Children. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 69

Chapter 6. Button Pushing. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 77
vi

Chapter 7. The Tantrum Rescue . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 89

re

Chapter 8. Hitting and Intense Energy. . . . . . . . . . . 113

Chapter 9. Toilet Training. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 145
Chapter 10. Sleeping . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 175
Chapter 11. Self-Help Skills. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 197
Chapter 12. Introducing New Foods. . . . . . . . . . . . . 235

Recommended Reading and Viewing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 251

References. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 253
re
vi
ew
co
py
 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I have so many people, wonderful people, to be hugely thankful for.

I think of every child that I have worked with and every family who
has invited me into their life at times of great despair and joy. These
wonderful experiences are in the pages of this book. Thank you

py
for sharing your life with me. To every staff member at the Autism
Treatment Center of America, thank you for your dedication, your
love, and your excellence in helping children and their families from
co
all over the world. William Hogan who I co-teach with, thank you for
teaching with me every day for the last 20 years! To Raun Kaufman
for traveling the world and sharing our amazing work. To Bears and
ew

Samahria Kaufman, your love, dedication and trust in me has helped me

grow into the teacher I am today. Thank you for creating this amazing
work and offering it to me with such enthusiasm and tenderness.
vi

However, there are two people in particular who have poured hours
of love and care into this book. My mum, Elizabeth McCormick, thank
re

you for being my first role model of what it is to be an independent

strong woman in the world, and for teaching me the importance of
doing “meaning” work in the world. Thank you so much for your
continual support, inspiration, and belief in me. You never gave up on
the vision of this book and helped me birth into the light of day, with
your great feedback and wisdom.
To my best friend and Son-Rise Program® teacher Bryn Hogan. You
spent so many hours reading and editing this book. You went above
and beyond to transform this book into a better version of itself. Thank
you for your love and wisdom. For your feedback, great clarity, and
wonderful attitude. Thank you above all for your amazing friendship.
Heartfelt thanks goes to everyone at Jessica Kingsley, in particular
to Lisa Clark. Thank you, Lisa, for standing by my book and for being
its champion.

9
re
vi
ew
co
py
 MY STORY

I was 13 when I decided to work with children on the autism spectrum.

The catalyst and inspiration for this decision was a movie called Son-
Rise: A Miracle of Love. I watched this with my sister, Nicky. Its funny
how the same incident can mean so much to one person and nothing

py
to another. My sister does not even remember watching the movie, but
to me it was the beginning of everything. It was my first introduction
to autism and I was completely intrigued and fascinated by it. I became
co
the kind of teenager who only read the Cliffs Notes for her school-
assigned books because she was too busy reading other books on
child development. It was also my first introduction to the concept
ew

that love and acceptance is the most powerful force for healing and
change. Luckily my 13-year-old brain was still open enough to receive
the powerful truth of this message.
vi

The movie Son-Rise: A Miracle of Love is the real life-story of

Samahria and Barry Neil Kaufman, whose son was diagnosed with
re

severe autism and an under-30 IQ at 18 months, and their journey to

help him. In the 1970s there was little available in the way of autism
treatments as at that time only 1 in 10,000 children were affected.
At that time, harsh, behavior-modification techniques, including
electric shock, were being used to treat severe autism, and this is not
something they wanted for their son. The Kaufmans’ searched for
help for their son and were told repeatedly that autism was a lifelong
condition and that there was no chance for their son to lead a normal
life, or even learn very basic skills to take care of himself. Doctors
advised institutionalization. Instead of going with the treatments they
were offered by professionals, they decided to work with their son
themselves. They took a very different approach from the mainstream
thinking and attitudes of that time. Instead of viewing their son’s

11
12 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

unique behaviors of hand flapping and rocking as a tragic sign of his

“terrible disorder,” they took a different view.
They decided to see him as a gift in their life. They decided
to approach him not with disapproval or fear, but with love and
acceptance. Instead of forcing him to conform to their world, they
decided to join him in his. They saw his repetitive behaviors as a
doorway into his world, so when he flapped his hands, they flapped
theirs. When he rocked back and forth, they rocked with him. By
joining him in his world, they were able to make a connection between
them. They worked with their son 12 hours a day for three and a half
years. Today he shows no signs of his former [AQ] condition and he
travels the world lecturing about Autism and The Son-Rise Program®
and is the author of the book Autism Breakthrough: The Groundbreaking
Method That Has Helped Families All Over the World. Ironically, all these

py
years later, I can say that the little boy that I once saw depicted in that
movie when I was 13 years old, the little boy who was the center of
a movie that changed my life, is and has been my dear friend for the
co
last 23 years.
From that point onwards working with children on the autism
spectrum became my dream, my focus, and one of the great passions
ew

of my life. Throughout my teenage years I would spend my summer

holidays and spare time working in play schemes and after-school
programs where I might encounter special children, and most
vi

importantly children with autism. One summer, to my great delight,

I met my first child with autism, I was 15 and she was 14. She wore
re

a helmet because she would bang her head, and was at least a foot
taller than me due to the specially designed very high-heeled shoes
she wore to accommodate her toe walking. I was assigned her for
the day and within seconds of our meeting she got me in a headlock
and started walking, dragging me along. She walked straight out of
the school building and headed for the white line in the soccer field.
The only knowledge I had about autism and how to be with a child
with autism was the movie I had watched. It had left me with two
ideas, Join the child in their own world and love and accept what she
wanted, which was to walk around the soccer field. So I concentrated
as much as I could on enjoying the white line and the walking, and
felt good that at least she wanted me with her. She was assigned to me
for the rest of the summer, because when she was with me she never
banged her head. This was my very first sign of the healing power of
 My Story 13

“Joining.” We walked, laughed, played, and had the best time together.
She was my first real-life encounter with autism, and I was hooked.
Special note: The Son-Rise Program® has a special technique called
Joining that is used to help and connect with our children when they
are engaging in their repetitive behaviors/stims/isms. Please go to
www.autismtreatment.com if you would like to know more about it.
[AQ]
My second encounter was with a child of a family friend. He was
three years old when I met him and was such a sweetheart. He loved
to run back and forth and back and forth from one wall to the other
and switch on and off light switches. Again when I was with him I
focused on Joining him in his activities and loving and enjoying being
with him. I noticed how he would look at me and smile when I ran

py
with him and was touched by the loveliness of his personality. Seeing
glimpses of his personality shine forth as I joined him consolidated
the idea that there was a complete person inside this silent boy, and
co
I wanted to find a way to reach him and help him communicate to
the world. This only solidified my belief that Joining a child in their
activities was an incredible way to connect with them.
ew

I went on to college to study music and education at Surrey

University. I chose music because it was a subject I was good at and I
had the idea that I might become a music therapist. The more I learnt
vi

about music therapy the more I realized it was not the therapy for me.
I think it is a wonderful therapy that does great work with children
re

with autism, but for me it was too restricted; I wanted to work in a

more varied way. I was still itching to work directly one on one with
children with autism in a therapeutic way, and was discouraged with
how long it would take until I was allowed to do that. I was told in
order to work directly with children one on one I would have to do
more educational work and I did not want to wait—I wanted to work
straight away.
Upon leaving university instead of going for further academic
studies I went to work for Dr. Rachel Pinney, the author of Bobby:
Breakthrough of an Autistic Child and Creative Listening and was the
founder of Children’s Hours in North London. She worked with
a variety of children, some who were emotionally disturbed, and a
number of children with autism. She truly was a genius with children,
they loved her and she had an incredible ability to connect deeply
14 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

with them. Like most geniuses she had a colorful character and loved
to push people’s buttons. She was 80 when I met her, and my initial
interview took place while she was taking a bath. After having asked
me a few questions about myself, she let me know that I had passed
the test. What test? I asked. She then informed me that she liked to
see how people reacted to different situations. The fact that I was not
fazed by her being in the bath led her to believe that I would not be
judgmental toward the children I would be working with.
Although she was 80 and walked with the help of crutches,
she had a lively mind and soul. As part of my training with her I
would accompany her on the different lectures she gave in her
surrounding community. I would carry suitcases of books around for
her. Amazingly— she carried around the book Son-Rise by Barry Neil
Kaufman, which was the very story I had watched on television when

py
I was 13! She trained me herself to work one on one with the children,
and I spent every day working directly with children with autism. I
was in heaven. I was struck by the intelligence and love each child
co
showed me on a daily basis. It was here that I met a family who were
going to the United States to participate in a special program for their
daughter with autism. Although I had no idea what the program was,
ew

I jumped at the opportunity to have this adventure and learn another

form of treatment for autism.
It was not until on the second day of the program in America,
vi

when they showed us the NBC movie Son-Rise: A Miracle of Love, that
I realized that this center was run by the family I had watched the
re

movie about, that had inspired me to work with children with autism
in the first place. Wow! That was a very awe-inspiring moment for me.
I had come full circle, and it was as if in some way I had come home.
I knew that I had found the methodology that I wanted to train and
work in. Until that point I had never encountered two particular traits
within the same methodology. First, the staff were so sincere in their
love and delight of the little girl I had come with, you could see it and
feel it in everything they did. Second, they were also so powerful and
effective in asking her to change and grow. They asked her to look
at them, to use the spoken word, to dress herself. They helped her to
grow so much during that week, and all within the context of truly
enjoying and loving her.
I carried on my work with Dr. Rachel Pinney and then, instead
of pursuing further study I returned to the Autism Treatment Center
 My Story 15

of America to begin my formal Son-Rise Program® training. I trained

intensively for five years to become a Son-Rise Program Child
Facilitator and Son-Rise Program Teacher. This is about the same
amount of time and energy it would take to get a PhD. My training
was extremely hands-on. It is an in-depth training and has a strong
emphasis on attitude. I worked directly with children and adults on
the autism spectrum and got direct feedback from the senior staff.
We were video-taped and then our time with each child analyzed,
sometimes frame-by-frame or second-by-second. I also worked
directly with parents and other family members training them on how
to work with their children, and received feedback. If we were to
teach a principle or technique, we would be observed and then our
explanations and sharing would be reviewed in detail by our trainers
in order to help us to be the most effective communicators possible.

py
We spent hundreds of hours exploring our own thoughts and feelings
so that we could truly approach each child and each adult with an
open, caring, and accepting heart.
co
One thing The Son-Rise Program® recognizes is that each child
with autism can be so different, motivated by different things, and
have different varying degrees of complex challenges. I needed to
ew

be able to recognize these challenges, connect with and help these

children and families from the very start of meeting them. Then I had
to be able to articulate what I knew and teach it to many families so
vi

that they could work in this way with their own children. This took a
lot of time and focus on my part and experience of different children
re

and families to acquire.

I have now worked with The Son-Rise Program® for over 20
years, and feel so blessed to have supported so many children and their
families. I have spent thousands and thousands and thousands of hours
working one on one with the most lovely, silly, funny, determined, and
hard-working children and adults. I have never worked with a child
who did not want to learn, who did not try their very best. I feel so
grateful to have had so much time with each and every one of these
children, for they have taught me what it means to open my heart, to
listen, and have the daring to try even the things that seem impossible
at first. I have been hit, punched, kicked, bitten, spat on, defecated on,
peed on, loved, kissed, danced with, been talked to for hours on end
about numerous different subjects from the magnificence of washing
machines, to the statistics of earthquakes, and I have Joined thousands
16 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

of unique and wonderful different “isms”(“isms” are what we in the

Son-Rise Program® call a child’s repetitious behavior or “stims”).
Although I can never say that I have stopped learning, and am
sure that I will encounter many more wonderful different situations, I
can say that I have experienced many that you encounter today with
your children. Although your child is unique, I am sure that I have
worked with a child who has displayed some of the same behaviors,
motivations, nature, or challenges as yours. One of the great parts
of my education and training is the depth and breadth of hands-on
experience that I have to share with you. I know of no other training
that exceeds this. I feel that I can say with confidence from my own
heart that although I have never met your child or children, I know
that I would love them. Their uniqueness and loveliness would not be
lost on me no matter what their behaviors are.

py
I am now the Director of the Son-Rise Program® and I train the
staff at the Autism Treatment Center of America to become Son-Rise
Program Child Facilitators and Son-Rise Program Teachers. I also
co
teach individual and groups of parents to run Son-Rise Programs
with their children. I do this either via the telephone, going to their
houses or when they come here to our center. We have parents come
ew

to our center from all over the world. I have worked with families from
Thailand, Singapore, Africa, Malaysia, China, France, Poland, Russia,
Slovakia, Argentina, and Brazil, to name a few, and frequently travel
vi

with our staff to Europe to present the Son-Rise Program®. It has been
such a wonderful journey and I feel so blessed to have met and worked
re

with so many amazing families and their children.

This is why I have written this book. I want to help you and offer
you the tools and strategies that will help you build a wonderful life
with your very special child and family.

Kate
 HOW TO READ THIS BOOK

Everything that I do and say in this book is based on the Son-Rise

Program® principles and techniques. This book can be used by any
parent, therapist, teacher, or family member who loves a child with
autism. This book can be used if your primary therapy for your child is

py
ABA, FLoortime, RDI, verbal behavior, Handel, intensive play therapy
or any other. This book is truly for anyone and everyone who wants
help with the following:
co
• Tooth brushing
• Hair cutting
ew

• Dressing
• Sleeping challenges
vi

• Hitting
re

• Tantrums
• Toilet Training
• Introducing new foods.
Most of these things happen outside of set therapy time. These things
happen every day, every week, every month, and this book is designed
to help with these and other everyday challenges.
There are many books on the market that talk about these subjects
for the typical child, but not for the child on the autism spectrum.
You may feel that you are at a loss of how to be with your child
outside therapy or school hours; on how to create a harmonious home
experience for you, your child and your family. I hope this book helps

17
18 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

you live in harmony with your child and create routines that work for
you and your family. This I know can be done.
First, a note about the use of personal pronouns in the book. I
have used he, him, his or they, them, their when referring to ‘your child’
or ‘the autistic child’ to avoid the frequent clumsy use of he or she, etc.
or the slightly distracting alternating between masculine and feminine.
The first six chapters of this book are perspectives and concepts
about how to think about and approach your very different child.
These chapters will give you a different way to think about your child,
or may help solidify what you already know. Either way I encourage
you to read these chapters first as I refer to them in the other chapters.
They will help you understand and put into practice the strategies
outlined in the other chapters. The whole book will make more sense
to you if you do.

py
The next six chapters are dedicated to specific subjects such as,
how to deal with your child’s tantrums, your child’s hitting, pinching
and biting, toilet training, sleeping, self-help skills, and introducing
co
new foods.
This book is as much about helping you change the way you think
about and respond to your child as it is helping him acquire new skills.
ew

I believe that you are the most useful and most loving person your
child has in their life. There is nobody who loves or is more dedicated
to your child than you. That does not mean that you always know
vi

what to do. Many parents feel that they “should” know, but we all
know that our children are very different and they did not come with
re

a manual. I know that I had to learn all the things in this book myself.
It was not something I was born with. There is no manual on how
to respond to your child when they do something that is so different
from what you were expecting. I hope that this book will be some sort
of a guide for you as you navigate parenting your child.
The beginning of each chapter first explores how we are
responding and what we are thinking about what our children do.
This is a critical part of the process to help your child acquire the
skill you are working on. There will also be exercises included in this
section to aid you in this process. Then each chapter outlines many
step-by-step practical strategies that you can implement immediately.
Also for your convenience there is a checklist at the end of most of the
chapters of action items, so you have them all in one place.
 How to Read This Book 19

If your child does not get the skill you were hoping for this week
there is always next week and the week after. Our children are not on
the same timeline that we are, sometimes they might require a little
more time to understand. The great thing about that is that time is
something you can give them. Most people will try things just for
a day and then declare that they don’t work. I know I have done
that with the many diets I have tried over the years. But we all know
that we have to stick to the diet over time to see results. Try these
suggestions every day for a least a month before you even think of
giving up on them. You would not plant a seed and then after seeing
no growth for just three days throw it out! You know it takes time for
the seed to push down roots and show growth above ground, days
of persistent and consistent watering and sun. These strategies are no
different, give them the time you would a growing plant.

py
I know these strategies work because I have implemented them
myself and seen them work. I have taught countless parents to
implement these strategies and seen them work. These are not theories
co
they are well-tested practices that the Son-Rise Program® has been
teaching for over 30 years.
Special note: If you want to read a ‘how to’ book that will explain how
ew

to use the Son-Rise Program® with your child, you can read Autism
Breakthrough: The Groundbreaking Method That Has Helped Families All
Over the World, by Raun K. Kaufman.
vi
re
re
vi
ew
co
py
 Chapter 1

UNDERSTANDING OUR
CHILDREN’S EXPERIENCE

This is the most important chapter of the whole book. It will give you
the foundation and concepts that will make all the suggestions and
strategies in this book be the most effective they can be. It will set the

py
scene for how to approach and teach your very different child.
The first place to start in helping our children is to gain an
co
understanding of their experience. That their sensory processing
system behaves differently than ours. It is challenging for them to
process sensory input from the world. Their hearing, sense of smell,
ew

touch, and vision can be radically different from ours. So much so that
just being in the world can be extremely overwhelming, unpredictable,
and chaotic.
Let’s just take their hearing. They may hear things so much much
vi

louder than we do, or may hear sounds broken up, like a bad cell
re

phone connection. Some children have difficulty filtering out all the
different sounds in their environment, making it near impossible to
focus on just one. Think about all the sounds at the mall. You have the
background music, people talking, the sounds of the air conditioning,
the wheels of all the prams and buggies, the noises from the cash
registers, and I could go on and on. Imagine if you could not filter any
of these sounds? That you heard them at the same volume tumbling
toward you? Would you not want to retreat from that overloaded
experience, would you not want to cover your ears and find a way to
tune it all out? It would be overwhelming for anyone, and that’s just
our children’s audio experience. You can see why our children have a
hard time responding to us.
Now let’s take a moment and think about our children’s sense of
smell. This can be amplified for our children. Making what is a mild

21
22 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

and everyday smell for us unbearable for them. I have seen children
shut down completely as a way to block out an overpowering smell.
Think of all the different fragrances there are in the world, so many
for our sensitive children to navigate. I know for myself that I can get
a headache just walking through the cosmetic section of a department
store, because of the strong smells of perfume.
Then there is the sense of touch. Some of you may have children
who take off all their clothes as soon as they get home from school. Or
your child may only wear one particular outfit. Clothes to some of our
children may feel like sand paper on their skin. Maybe the closest you
can get to knowing what it is like is when you have a very high fever,
how your skin feels like it is burning and is sensitive to other people’s
touch or even you touching it.
You may notice that your child shows no signs of pain. Or plays

py
outside in the cold snow and show no signs of being cold. Being less
sensitive, it is clear that your child’s sensory system is processing touch
and sensation very differently.
co
Let’s talk about vision. I have worked with children who only see
out of their peripheral vision. Meaning they only see what is to the
side of them but not what is right in front of them. Others have trouble
ew

with their depth perception. Raun K. Kaufman recalls times when he

had autism [AQ] as a child that he would sometimes see as if he was
looking through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars.
vi

Now imagine what it must be like for our children on a daily basis
navigating the everyday sounds, sights, smells, and physical touch of
re

our world. Think of a place that is overwhelming for you, maybe

it is the mall, or airport, or a big concert or festival, maybe a noisy
nightclub. Now imagine on top of that someone asking you to do
something that is challenging for you. Wow! No wonder our children
want to retreat from the world and create their own ordered world that
they can control.
I met Martin a sweet 12-year-old boy diagnosed with pervasive
developmental disorder (PDD) whose parents started consulting with
me because the school he was at wanted to expel him. At lunchtime
Martin would start to hit other children and try to throw their lunch
boxes out the window. He would also resist going into the lunchroom
and often tried to run away. His teachers did not know how to handle
him anymore. His parents were at their wits end. His parents and I did
Son-Rise Program® consultations together, and, instead of thinking
 Understanding Our Children’s Experience 23

that he was just being naughty, we took the approach that he was
taking care of himself and we tried to understand how this behavior
was helping him. This helped us become true detectives in trying to
understand what was going on for him. In the end we found out that
he had an over-sensitivity to the smell of bananas, we found this out
because bananas were at every one of his outbursts. Martin was unable
to communicate that it was the smell that was bothering him, not
because he could not talk but because he did not have the knowledge
himself that the smell was the challenge. It took a lot of “detective”
work to figure this out. Once we knew this, we were able to help him
know what to do when he had an “overwhelming” smell, without
hitting and running away.
Joe a very intelligent and funny seven-year-old boy with autism
would hyperventilate when he had to walk across a threshold. It

py
would take him many false starts before he actually made it through,
whether it was into a lift or a shop. His mom and dad [AQ] would get
very frustrated as it took them so long to do anything when they were
co
out. They experienced their son as being controlling and difficult,
understandably as they did not know why. During consultations
together we took the approach that he was doing this for a reason
ew

and began to look at what could be happening for him. We discovered

that he had no depth perception. Thus being in unfamiliar places was
extremely challenging for him. Again, once we knew this was the
vi

cause of his many false starts we could begin to help Joe with the root
cause of what was actually happening for him.
re

These two examples show how differently our children experience

the world. It also shows us that although we may not always see the
reason, there is always a reason behind why our children do what they
do. If we come from this perspective then we can become what in the
Son-Rise Program® we call “being like a detective” and investigate
what the reason could be. This way we actually get to the core reason
as to why our children are behaving the way they are, and thus get
to help them much more successfully that just trying to change their
behavior.
In each of the chapters on the varying subjects I am going to ask
you to first become a detective about your child’s experience. To try
and find our what our children’s behavior is trying to solve or achieve.
If we take the perspective that they have a reason for what they are
doing, like Martin and Joe were, we then can try to find out the reason.
24 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

Once we have that information it will be easier to know what to do to

help our children acquire the new skills.
So we can already see that our children may experience the world
as chaotic, unpredictable, and uncontrollable. Now let’s put people
into that equation. That’s you and me. Although we have the very
best of intentions and are doing the best we can, our children often
experience us as very unpredictable. People are highly unpredictable
and uncontrollable. We move at different speeds, sometimes fast
sometimes slow. We randomly pick our children up and put them in
the bath. Take off and put clothes on them. Sometimes we shout,
sometimes we sing. Sometimes we are angry, sometimes we are happy.
Sometimes we let you play with your toys, and sometimes we don’t.
For our children there is no discernable pattern as to when or why
we do or do not do these things. For children who may have an over-

py
sensitivity to sound, touch, or visual stimulation, the unpredictable
behavior of people is often something that they have to move away
from and defend themselves from.
co
Have you ever done one of the following?
• Taken away your child’s favorite “stim/ism” toy, hoping that if
it is not there he will stop playing with it and interact instead?
ew

• Taken away your child’s favorite toy and used it so that he will
eat his lunch to get it back?
vi

• Forced the first bit of food into your child’s mouth, in the
hopes that he will see that it as really yummy and will want
re

to eat more?
• Held down your child to brush their teeth so that he will not
get a cavity?
• Forced clothes on your child so that he could make it to the
school bus?
• Hugged and kissed your child even though he was trying to
get out of your embrace?
All of us have probably done one of the above things, because we
love our children and we want to find a way to help them. However,
when we do this the opposite of want we want happens. Our children
get more controlling and less open to what we are suggesting. Why?
 Understanding Our Children’s Experience 25

Because when we feel forced or pushed we push back. If someone

takes away our favorite toy we will probably think twice before we
played with that person again. If someone forced a sweater or coat on
us, is it not our first instinct to take it off?
It is interesting that most of our children choose repetitive behaviors
(stims/isms) that include objects or parts of their own bodies or speech
that they are in control of. If you think about it, it makes total sense.
While people are mostly unpredictable and uncontrollable, objects are
completely the opposite. They are predictable and controllable. When
our children pick up a train it always looks the same, it is the same
color, has the same smell, the same feel, when they put it down it stays
in the place they put it. It never tries to pick them up or tickle them,
it does not take things away from them, and it always does what they
want it to do. It is not surprising that our children move away from

py
people and begin to create a world for themselves that mainly consists
of interactions with objects, predictable patterns and the seeking of
self-soothing repetitious activities (stims/isms).
co
The way we change this dynamic and help our children move
toward us is to give our children control. We do that by becoming as
predictable and as controllable as the objects they love. This book is
ew

about the long game, wanting our children to want to eat new foods
and wear clothes, or brush their teeth, to actually enjoy these activities
without us forcing them.
vi

When we force or try to control our children we teach them that

we cannot be trusted. That at any moment we might take away the
re

thing they cherish the most. Or we may hold them down against their
will for reasons they do not understand, giving them more reasons
to move away from us, and not listen to us. When we force or try to
control our children they become more controlling not less. Instead I
suggest you focus your attention in all your actions with your children
on “giving them control.” Creating instead a rock solid trust with your
children. This trust is essential and the foundation upon which we can
encourage them to do the things that are difficult for them. Like sit on
the potty. Eat new foods. Get dressed in unfamiliar clothes and brush
their teeth. Trust is the most important factor when teaching someone.
Some of our children who have been held down on a regular
basis to have their teeth cleaned or their hair cut may have a reflex of
starting to cry, of running away from the mention of a tooth brush or
the sight of a pair of hair cutting scissors. Not because they are afraid
26 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

of the scissors or hate getting their teeth brushed, but because they
have associated these actions/objects with being held down. It is that
which they are protesting against. Once we stop doing this, by letting
our children know that we will give them control over the situation,
we can begin to help our child make friends with the sight of the
toothbrush or the hair cutting scissors, or with exploring a new food.
Once we have helped our child make friends with these activities then
and only then can we start the adventure of helping them acquire
the new skill. We can give them this control by using the Son-Rise
Program® Control Protocol outlined below.

USE THE SON-RISE PROGRAM® CONTROL PROTOCOL

The Control Protocol is designed to assure that we always give our

py
children the control they need and never use force. We don’t want to
get the activity over and done. We want to inspire our children to want
to brush their own teeth, to love getting their hair cut and trying new
co
foods. The best way to get there that also leaves your relationship with
your child intact is to create ourselves to be as controllable as possible.
If we use this protocol in all our interactions with our children we will
ew

be giving our children the control they need. In turn you will find
that they will become more flexible and less controlling. It has three
simple steps.
vi

Step 1—Position yourself in front of your child.

re

Step 2—Give an explanation.

Step 3—Look for permission.
I will show you how this works in the example of putting a jacket on
your child.
Step 1—You would position yourself in front of your child with their
jacket. This is so they can clearly see that you are about to do.
Step 2—As you are in front of your child tell them verbally that you
are about to put their jacket on. You might say something like: Holly,
we are going to go outside so I am going to put your jacket on. It is important
that you explain what you want to do before actually trying to do it.
Step 3—This step is very important—after you have explained what
you are going to do, you wait for permission. This means you look
 Understanding Our Children’s Experience 27

for any indications from your child of “Yes” (it is ok for me for you
to put on my jacket, or “No” (I do not want you to put on my jacket).
Moving slowly toward them with the jacket, look for a sign that you
have permission to put it on them. If your child is verbal they may say
yes or no, if they say no, then it is time to give control, by respecting
their “No.” You may say to them something like this: Thank you so much
for letting me know you do not want the jacket on right now, let’s try again in
two minutes. You then would wait two minutes before you try again. If
they say yes then you know you have permission so go ahead and put
the jacket on.
If your child cannot talk yet, you are going to look for physical
cues (do this even if your child can talk as they may choose not to
verbally answer you at this time), notice if they are moving away from
you, toward you, or do not move at all as you move toward them. If

py
they move away from you, I would take that as a possible “No” and
say something like this: I see that you are moving away, I’ll take that as a
no you do not want me to do this, I’ll try again in two minutes. If your child
co
moves toward you take that as a yes and say something like: You are
moving toward me I will take this as a yes, thank for letting me know, I like to
know what you want.
ew

If you get no clear response, no indications of “Yes” or “No”, take

that as an opportunity to try and be a “happy detective.” Proceed
slowly and explain again what you are doing. Then say: As you have not
vi

moved away from me I am going to try to put your jacket on, if you do not want
this just let me know by moving away.
re

As you put the jacket on be vigilant in noticing any physical signs

that could indicate that they do not want you to do this. If they move
away, stop.
Doing the above protocol sends a number of really helpful and clear
messages to your child:
• I will have a chance to say “Yes” or “No.”
• My mom listens to me so it is worth communicating to her.
• I can relax around my mom because she is predictable.
• It is safe to be around my mom.
• Maybe I could try to do what my mom is asking of me because
she will let me stop later if I want to.
28 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

Remember, using this Control Protocol with your children is the most
important ingredient in making every strategy in this book effective.

“No” means…“No”
Another important way to give control to your child is to respect their
“No.” Not just 50 percent of the time but 100 percent of the time. If
you think about it, you don’t like it if your “No’s” are not respected.
You gravitate toward and choose friends who will respect your “No.”
You move away from people who don’t. It’s that simple. The more we
respect our child’s “No” the move likely they will want to spend time
with us and do the things we are asking of them. Trust is everything. If
I trust that when I say no to the person I am with they will stop, then
I may allow myself to do something that is challenging for me because

py
I know I can stop at anytime. If I do not trust that with a person there
is no way I will do something challenging with them.
Dan a lovely five-year-old boy with autism came to our Son-Rise
co
Program® Intensive. His parents were extremely worried about how the
week would go, because he was extremely reluctant to spend any time
with any person who was not his mom or his dad and grandmother.
ew

They felt that they could not leave him with anyone else or take him
to any school situation. I was the first child facilitator to work with
him in our specially designed Son-Rise Program® playroom that has
vi

an en-suite bathroom attached. When he realized that he was alone

in the playroom with me he promptly started to cry and pushed me
re

into the bathroom and closed the door, saying very loudly and clearly,
“No.” From behind the bathroom door I began to talk to him and told
him my name, who I was why I was here, and where his parents were,
when they would be back, and that I would love to come in and play
with him, but that it was up to him. I would be happy to stay in the
bathroom for as long as he wanted me to. To which I heard him say
a loud and clear “Good.” I let around five minutes go by before I told
him that I was going to open the bathroom door, to which he said,
“No.” I celebrated him for telling me this and did not open the door. I
did this a few more times, respecting his “No” each time he said it. It
took me one hour and 45 minutes of being in the bathroom before he
allowed me to open the door. Once I got the door open I still stayed
in the bathroom, showing him that I could be trusted and that I was
not going to make him do anything he did not want to do. After 15
 Understanding Our Children’s Experience 29

minutes of having the bathroom door open, I told him I was just
going to move to the threshold of the door, to which he did not say
anything, I took that as a chance to try, and moved to the threshold.
Five minutes later I took my first step into the playroom successfully!
Once in the playroom I kept my distance and Joined in with what he
was doing. That day it took me two hours to get into the same room
as him. Later that afternoon it took me only 45 minutes, the next day
I could walk immediately into the room and start playing with him,
and he never ordered me out again. I know if I had not taken this time
initially and given him control he would not have allowed me in later.
“No” only means “No, not now”, it doesn’t mean “Never.” When
our children indicate “No” we stop. Each time they say no we stop.
However, we always ask again. Wait a few minutes, at least two to five
minutes and then ask again. If they say no again, then ask again. If after

py
four or five times of asking them every two minutes they turn you
down each time, wait at least 15 minutes before asking again. We can
give control and be persistent in going for what we want. That’s the
co
secret! Give control mixed with persistence.
Take the time in the beginning, it will reap you many many
rewards later. “No” means “No.”
ew

EXERCISE 1.1 [AQ]

vi

Take a moment right now and time what two minutes feels like, it is
re

actually a really long time. If you ask again in 20 seconds, which can
also feel like a long time, it may feel too pushy for your child and that
you are not really listening to their no, two minutes is a nice length
of time to show them that you heard and respect their no.

REMOVE CONTROL BATTLES IN YOUR HOUSE

A control battle simply means a time where we have to stop, say no
or take something away from our child. As a way to give our children
more control we want to remove any situations where control battles
occur. For example, if your child keeps playing with your DVD
collection and you keep having to take them away from him, then
remove the DVDs somewhere where he does not have access to them.
Thus you can eliminate one “No” (now only 500 more “No’s” left!).
30 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

Removing as many “No’s” as we can from our relationship with our

child is a way to build trust and as a way to decrease the ‘fights’ we
have with our children.
The exercise below will take you through three of the main rooms
in your house to highlight any control battles. Use this exercise for
each room in your house.

EXERCISE 1.2
The Kitchen
Go into your kitchen, sit down at your kitchen table or breakfast bar
and think about what happens between you and your child in this
room. What does your child do in this room that you do not want
them to do? There is a list below that is designed to help you start

py
thinking of different situations. Tick the ones that happen between
you and your child, and add others that I may not have mentioned
to the list.
co
• My child keeps going into the fridge and throwing eggs onto
the floor.
• My child keeps going into the kitchen cabinets and the fridge
ew

and eating and drinking food I do not want him to have.

• My child likes cutlery and will take the cutlery out of the
drawers and line them up on the kitchen floor.
vi

• My child does not understand that the oven is hot and will
open and close it even when I am cooking.
re

• My child keeps pressing the buttons on the microwave and

watches the neon numbers go up and down.

The sitting room

• My child will repeatedly turn all the lights off and on.
• My child will want me to turn the TV on all the time
• My child will take all the dirt out of the potted plants and
either eat it or scatter it on the carpet.
• My child will rip all the pages in the books and magazines
that are on the shelves or lying around the room.
 Understanding Our Children’s Experience 31

The bathrooms
• My child will empty out all the shampoo bottles.
• My child will turn on all the taps and flood the bathroom.
• My child will throw things down the toilet.
You can avoid these situations by changing your environment. When
thinking about your particular control battles with your child consider
these three solutions: [AQ]
• Move the object.
• Lock or gate the door or cabinet.
• Change access to water.
For example below are solutions for the areas I mentioned above.

The kitchen
•
py
My child keeps going into the fridge and throwing eggs onto
co
the floor. Solution: Get a sturdy lock and put it on your
fridge, so that your child has no access to it anymore.
• My child keeps going into the kitchen cabinets and the
ew

fridge and eating and drinking food I do not want him to

have. Solution: Lock the kitchen cabinets, or put a gate at
the kitchen entrance so he cannot go into the kitchen when
vi

you are not there. Alternatively you could move the food you
do not want him to eat to another fridge you keep in your
garage or basement that he does not have access to.
re

• My child likes cutlery and will take the cutlery out of the
drawers and line them up on the kitchen floor. Solution:
Either lock this drawer or put a child lock on it so that he
cannot get into it.
• My child keeps pressing the buttons on the microwave and
watches the neon numbers go up and down. Solution: Move
the microwave to a place where your child cannot reach its
controls.

The sitting room

• My child will repeatedly turn all the lights off and on.
Solution: You can get boxes to put over the light switches,
you can get these form any hardware store. Or you could
32 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

move all the light switches so that they are too high for your
child to reach.
• My child will want me to turn the TV on all the time.
Solution: Get rid of your TV! Or you could have one room in
your house that has your TV computer and other precious
things in it, that you keep locked and none of your children
are allowed in it. This has worked very well for a number of
families I work with. Their children accepted this concept
very quickly.
• My child will take all the dirt out of the potted plants and
either eat it or scatter it on the carpet. Solution: Put the
plants up high so he cannot reach them. Or decide to have
a plant-free house for a while. This is not forever just for
now so that you can give more control to your child. You can
always introduce plants back into the house later, maybe at
a time when they won’t be irresistible for your child.
•
py
My child will rip all the pages in the books and magazines
that are on the shelves or lying around the room. Solution:
co
Put them somewhere where your child will not be able to
reach them.
ew

The bathrooms
• My child will empty out all the shampoo bottles. Solution:
Put them in a locked cabinet. Out of sight out of mind.
vi

• My child will turn on all the taps and flood the bathroom.
re

Solution: Either keep the bathrooms locked, or have a

plumber come in and create a switch where you can turn off
the water at each sink. This is a great things to do and will
give you peace of mind that your child will not be flooding
the house.
• My child will throw things down the toilet. Solution: Get a
lock for your toilet seat. Yes there are locks even for toilet
seats!

Doing this exercise will make your life so much easier! You won’t be
spending as much time managing your child. You will have the peace
of mind that your child can no longer get up to the mischief they
used to do. You can become the “Yes” Mom and Dad that you want to
 Understanding Our Children’s Experience 33

be. Not only is that great for you it also gives our children the sense
of control that they crave. And you will have more time to focus on
playing and helping your child learn the skills you want them to learn.
It’s a win-win all round.

USEFUL THOUGHTS THAT WILL SUPPORT YOU

IN GIVING CONTROL TO YOUR CHILD [AQ]
• Giving control is the technique/goal. When you are
respecting your child’s “no,” and giving them control tell
yourself that this is a success. This is your objective and a very
important part of working with your child and helping them
gain independent skills.
•
py
Believe that giving your child control is more important
than the skill itself. If our children trust us, then they will
keep coming toward us to interact with us. If my child says
co
no and I respect this, then I keep the door open for my child
to keep coming toward me, thus I am creating 100 plus more
opportunities for my child to learn this skill in the future. If I
ew

give in to my desire to just get things done quickly or take a

shortcut and go against my child, then I run the risk of closing
the door to future opportunities of my child being open to
vi

learning from me.

re

• Believe that giving our children control may take longer

in short term, but is shorter in the long term.
• Read this chapter more than once. I would recommend
that you reread it each Sunday night, as you start a fresh week
parenting your child.

CONTROL ACTION CHECKLIST [AQ]

Due to our children’s different sensory system they experience the
world differently than us. My child is not behaving in such a way just
to be difficult, there is always a reason behind the very different things
that they do.
34 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

• Become, “like a detective” to find the reason behind what your

child is doing.
• Take the fight out of the equation, by not forcing your child
into an activity/skill.
• Think this: The more control I give my child over their physical body
the more flexible and open they will become to doing what I want them
to do.
• Think this: We want our child to want to brush their hair or sit on
toilet, rather than just getting it over and done with.
• Use the three-step Control Protocol every time you physically
engage with your child:
1. Position yourself in front of your child.
2. Give them an explanation.
py
co
3. Look for permission.
• Respect your child indication of “No” 100 percent of the time.
• If your child says “No” stop. The try again two to five minutes
ew

later.
• Remove control battles from each room in your house by
vi

ºº moving the object

re

ºº stopping access to the area

ºº changing access to water.
I am really excited for you to take on and embrace the idea of giving
our very different children the control they are looking for. It is my
experience that this helps our children enormously, it helps them begin
to relax, explore, and move closer to the world of people.
 Chapter 2

CREATING CLEAR AND

STRONG BOUNDARIES

Creating clear, strong boundaries for our children is the partner to

giving them as much control as possible. This may seem confusing but
this combination creates a very safe and well-defined environment,

py
for our special children, their siblings, and for you. Even when we
give our children as much control as possible that does not mean that
co
they get everything they want or do everything they want exactly
when they want it. You are still the grown-up who is in charge of
your household not the other way around. I know that for some of
ew

us reading this book our children may have already taken over the
household and we may feel held captive to their demands and wishes
24/7. Believe me, there is help for those of us who feel this way!
This chapter will help you regain your leadership of the household
vi

by helping you create and implement some clear, loving, and useful
re

boundaries for your children.

I am defining the word “boundary” as a limit we create for
our children that helps them both navigate and interact with their
environment, and supports their overall health and wellbeing. For
instance, one limit could be Please do not jump with food in your mouth
because you could choke. Another, You must be in your bed after 7pm. A
boundary is something that stays the same and is consistently held.
Having wanted to work with special children since I was a teenager,
I have gone through many different understandings of what I thought
would be important for them. In my late teens I believed that they
did not really need boundaries or rules, but would organically choose
the right thing for themselves. I even remember being enamored
with the idea that if you put out a bunch of different foods a child
will automatically eat what is balanced and good for them. As my

35
36 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

experience grew I realized that children do not always see the bigger
picture concerning their overall health, favoring short-term satisfaction
over long-term goals. They may choose the chocolate because of its
taste not its nutritional content. They way want to stay up all night
playing video games, causing them to sleep through all the beneficial
therapies during the daytime. I now see how carefully considered
boundaries and rules are important for a child’s mental health and add
to their comfort and happiness. A child who has enough sleep is often
less cranky and can benefit more from their schooling and therapies.
A child who has a balanced diet will most likely have fewer health
challenges. Creating boundaries and sticking to them is also important
for a parent’s mental health, empowering them to take charge and
create the family life that they feel comfortable with.
Our everyday adult life is edged with boundaries. We must wear

py
a seat belt; we can only drive at or under a certain speed limit; we are
not allowed to take things from shops without paying for them first;
we are not allowed to hit or kill anyone; and we cannot enter another
co
person’s house unless they invite us to, or open another person’s mail.
If we do any of these actions, we do it knowing that if caught there
will be a consequence to our actions.
ew

Imagine what it would feel like if we did not know what we could
or could not do? We might be driving along at a nice speed of 30
miles an hour one day and not be given a speeding ticket, then the
vi

next day doing the same and get given a $100 ticket. If the laws kept
changing then we would not feel safe and secure that our actions
re

would not land us in jail or debt. We would not know how to take
care of ourselves.
This is how it is for a child whether they are neuro-typical or on
the autism spectrum. They want to know what they can and cannot do
in their environment, because they want to understand how the world
around them works and that it works in some consistent way. It also
helps them feel that they are being “looked after”; that their parents
are taking care of them, keeping them safe, and will not let them do
something that would hurt them. I remember my niece glowering at
me after burning herself on a hot pan, and saying crossly: “Why did
you let me do that?” She had trusted that I would let her know what
was not safe for her. When we feel safe and know what to expect we
will explore more, we will learn more and dare to do things that are
challenging for us.
 Creating Clear and Strong Boundaries 37

When we give instructions such as: Don’t play with matches, or knives,
or Don’t jump while eating, we are offering boundaries designed to help
a child begin to understand how to take care of their own bodies.
These boundaries are an important educational tool for our children.
Wherever our children are on the autism spectrum they can understand
and learn these boundaries. It is up to us to set them, and teach them
as lovingly as we can.

LIMIT YOUR BOUNDARIES TO AS FEW AS POSSIBLE

Keep in mind that giving control is the key to creating a strong
relationship with our children. The stronger our relationship is the
more likely they will connect with us, and the more opportunities we
will have to teach the life skills discussed in this book. We will want to

py
pick the boundaries for our children very carefully, creating as few as
possible. It is important to look at your house and get rid of as many
areas of potential “control battles” as possible (see p.000), creating
co
fewer boundaries to enforce.
When we are setting such boundaries it is the only time what
we suggest that you do not use The Son-Rise Program® Control
ew

Protocol. This means that if you are setting a boundary where you are
not letting your child play with kitchen knives, you would not stop
setting the boundary if they indicated “No” to you or that they wanted
vi

the knives back. In this case we have a different bigger picture, where
their physical safety is more important. This is why it is important that
re

we carefully consider each boundary we create and try to create as few

as possible. We want to create an environment for our children where
we can give control and say “Yes” to them 90 percent of the time and
create boundaries 10 percent of the time.

How do I decide what is a boundary?

Most parents, like yourself, already have some boundaries you have
set for your children. Moving forward, why not take some time to
consider each particular boundary you create very carefully. With each
boundary we are saying that stopping our children is, in that instant,
more important than giving them control. With each boundary you
create ask yourself Does this boundary aid my child’s overall health and
safety? For example, making sure that your child does not drink the
38 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

toilet water does. Making your child wear their hair a certain way
everyday may not be one. As it will not hurt your child or anyone else
if they choose not to. This would be something that you can let go of
and give your child control over.
The following exercise is to help you create your boundaries
within your home in four different categories.

EXERCISE 2.1
Create boundaries around anything that could cause physical harm
to your child, or to another person. Their safety is our number 1
priority. I would not watch a child play with something that could
hurt them. I would not watch as a child lean out of a window, or
innocently put a rope around another child neck to play horsey. We
would of course stop our children from doing anything that could be

py
physically harmful to themselves or others.
The space provided below is for you to write down boundaries
you would like to create for your child in this category. If you are
co
single parent then yippee! only you have to agree on the boundaries
you are going to set with your children. If you have a partner it is
important that you do this exercise with them, so that they agree
ew

with the boundaries, and are also prepared to follow through with
setting them.
_________________________________________________________
vi

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
re

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
 Creating Clear and Strong Boundaries 39

When you have written your list, go back and see if you can cross
one or more off your list by eliminating the situation. For example,
if your child likes to lean out of the window you could always lock
all the windows so that your child does not have the opportunity to
do this.
Create boundaries around taking care of objects. This would mean
not sitting back and watching our children rip a book to pieces,
or draw all over our walls. Giving control does not mean that you
watch as your children dismantle every lamp you have or spin your
precious CDs until they are unusable. Your child is intelligent and
can learn what they can and cannot play with.
The space provided below is for you to write down boundaries in
this category you would like to create for your child. When you have
written your list, go back and see if you can cross one or more off
your list by eliminating the situation. For example, if your child likes
rip your books, put them in a place where they cannot reach them.

py
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
co
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
ew

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
vi

_________________________________________________________
re

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________

Create boundaries around hygiene. This would mean not letting

your child put their hands down the toilet, eat their nappies, [AQ] or
other people’s plasters, and so forth.
The space provided below is for you to write down boundaries in
this category you would like to create for our child. When you have
40 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

written your list, go back and see if you can cross one or more off
your list by eliminating the situation. For instance, you could get a
lock for the toilets in your house, so that you child cannot play in
them when you are not around.
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________

py
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
co
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
ew

_________________________________________________________
vi

Create boundaries around when their bedtime is. You are the boss
when it comes to bedtime. Again, I know that some of you may
re

feel like your child will just not go to sleep and do not know how to
encourage them to do so. Chapter 10 [AQ] will help with you this
and gives many concrete suggestions on how to do this. For now
write down what time you would want your child to go to sleep. The
first step will be to begin with the idea that you can decide what you
want. How to get there will be discussed in chapter 10.
The space below is for you to write down what time you want
your child to go to sleep or stay in their room.
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
 Creating Clear and Strong Boundaries 41

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________

THE ATTITUDE OF BOUNDARY SETTING

py
Be loving not punitive. It is tempting sometimes to feel that if
our children have done something “wrong” we must correct them,
co
and we can do so in a critical or punishing way. See it instead as a
chance to express our love to our child. This boundary is a chance to
help our child learn how to take care of themselves, others and their
ew

environment. It is a useful, necessary, and wonderful opportunity to

share some important knowledge with our child. When we think of it
that way we are more likely to approach it in an easy, kind, and non-
vi

judgmental way. Our child is then more likely to understand that we

are not just stopping them from doing something they were interested
re

in, but we are trying to help them with something.

Be consistent. Know the specific reasons for setting a particular
boundary. This helps us really stand behind it so that we do not
waver or decide that today it does not matter. Consistency is the key
to setting any boundary. If we are not consistent then our children
will most likely push that boundary. What creates a boundary is our
determination around it.
Be unmovable. Commit to following through with setting your
boundary.
Harry, a four-year-old with autism, wanted to drink the water in
the toilet bowl. As a way to keep him safe I sat on the toilet seat for
45 minutes. Harry tried many tactics to get me off that seat. He wanted
to get me off so that he could drink the toilet water again. I knew that
42 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

I was doing the most loving thing I could by helping him understand
that the toilet water was not healthy to drink. I was being “unmovable”
in that I knew that there was nothing he could do that would make me
get off and let him do this potential harmful act. He spent 45 minutes,
kicking me, trying to pull or push me off, slapping me, pulling my hair,
and screaming “off” at the top of him lungs. While he tried the above
things with all his might I held two mighty beliefs that helped me stay
the course with this very persistent little man. “There is nothing more
important for me to be doing right now than setting this very useful
boundary for Harry.” “Setting this boundary with Harry is a way of
loving him and letting him know what is healthy and what is not.” He
did stop trying and went to play with some books in the playroom.
By sitting it out and staying longer than him, I communicated to him
that I was prepared to follow through with the boundaries I created,

py
no matter what he did in response. He therefore learnt that he could
trust my boundaries and what I said to him. He never tried to drink
the toilet water with me present again.
co
COMMUNICATE YOUR BOUNDARIES TO
ew

YOUR CHILD AHEAD OF TIME

It is useful to explain what the boundaries are ahead of time, whether
your child is not yet verbal or can talk fluently. Explain the new
vi

situation to them so that when you begin to put them into action they
will not come as a complete surprise.
re

If your child is yet to be verbal, take advantage of the time when

they sit in your lap or on the sofa beside you, or maybe while they
are sitting down and eating, or in the bathtub, to explain a couple of
the new boundaries. If you have decided to create five new boundaries
explain each new one, one at a time.
If your child can talk, choose a time when they are not verbally
stimming/isming, maybe when you are walking somewhere together
or in the car.
As we speak of the new boundaries it’s important to explain all the
reasons behind them, and that this is a way of taking care of them and
helping them to be safe and healthy. It is essential that our children
understand that we are taking care of them and not just deciding
arbitrarily what they can or cannot do.
 Creating Clear and Strong Boundaries 43

For example, when setting a boundary of you cannot jump on the

trampoline if you have food in your mouth you could say: “I know that
you would like to jump, but you have food in your mouth. Jumping
with food in your mouth may course you to choke. Which will mean
that your food may get stuck in your throat and then you would not be
able to breathe. As a way to help you I am going to put the trampoline
away while you eat. Once you have finished eating then you can jump
all you want. I just want to keep you as safe as possible.”

HOW TO SET A BOUNDARY

When we are setting a boundary it is because we are taking care of our
children making sure that they are safe. I am going to illustrate how
to set a boundary using the example of setting the boundary of not
putting your hands down the toilet.
py
1. Explain while taking action. You might say something like
co
“The toilet water is full of germs, so I am taking your hands
out of the toilet so that you do not get sick.” Do this with a
loving and calm tone while you are actually physically taking
their hands out of the toilet.
ew

2. Make sure that they cannot do it again. Take care of

the environment so that it is not easy for them to do it again
vi

immediately. You can do this by either standing in front of

the object so that they cannot get to it, or if possible, move it
re

out of reach. Obviously we cannot put the toilet out of reach,

but we can put the toilet seat down and sit on it so that they
cannot put their hands in it again. Do this in a quick, easy, and
loving way. Remembering that setting the boundary is really
useful for our children will help us do it with comfort and a
smile on our faces. This will communicate to our children that
we are helping them do something new and not that they have
done something bad.
3. Offer an alternative. We want to show our children that
we are helpful. The Son-Rise Program® describes this as the
principle of being “User-Friendly.” A way to be ‘User Friendly”
is to offer an alternative. This way we show our children that
we understand they want to do something, that it matters to us,
44 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

and we will help them find a safe way to do it. This will help
our children come to us when they want something. The more
our children see us as useful the more they will move toward
us and the more opportunities we will have to teach them the
life skills outlined in this book. In order to offer an alternative,
we have to know what it is that our children want, so take a
moment and think about the activity they are doing and what
they are getting from it. In the example of putting hands in the
toilet, our child wants to engage with water, so we can help
them understand that they can play with the water in the sink
but not in the toilet. Offer them the alternative of playing with
the water in the sink.
If your child likes to rip books, after explaining to them
that we want to keep the books whole so that they can enjoy

py
them later, we can offer our child some paper to rip instead.
That way we can keep the books intact and our children can
enjoy the activity they were seeking. If our children want to
co
play with a bottle of pills, liking the sound as they shake the
bottle. Offer them another bottle and fill it will rice that will
make a similar sound as they shake it. That way your child gets
ew

to play and be safe at the same time.

4. Be unmovable. See it through to the end. No matter how
our child responds to our boundary setting it is vital to be
vi

brave enough to never waver in our conviction. This is one

of the reasons why it is so important to carefully pick what
re

boundaries we want to set. This way we know clearly that it is

one we really intend to follow through.
Our children may try to talk us out of setting the boundary
by telling us how they really need to do the activity or to have
the object. I have had children tell me that I was mean, or that
they will die if I do not let them dismantle the air-conditioning
system. One very cheeky boy told me that his life was not worth
living anymore because I did not let him draw Charlie Brown
on our playroom wall with a black marker. Just 30 minutes
later he was drawing Charlie Brown on poster board instead,
happy as a lamb. Another little girl told me very politely, “Kate,
you are being ridiculous my mom lets me do this all the time.”
Eating markers—hmmmm, I did not think so.
 Creating Clear and Strong Boundaries 45

For our children who are not yet verbal they may cry in an
attempt to communicate to us that they really really want to
do what it is that we are setting a boundary around. They may
keep throwing our hands up to the place where the markers
are so that they can draw on the walls. They may hit, bite, spit,
and much more. This is what they are supposed to do, figure
out what they can do to get us to let them do what they want.
This is the time for us to really take ownership of being the
adult with the bigger picture, and not give in to our children
wanting immediate gratification.
We can do this by telling them that even if they do these
things we will still set the boundary, because we love them and
want to keep them safe and sound. Go the distance. It may take
a while for some boundaries to be set, but once our children

py
know that we mean business we will most likely not have to
set it again. If our children try to push the boundary in the
ways described above, try to remain calm and easy. A thought
co
that will help us do this is: There is nothing more important for me
to do with my child right now than to set this boundary, however long
it takes it will useful for my child to learn.
ew

Their job is to push the boundary—our job is to hold it

firm for them.
vi

TROUBLESHOOTING
re

My child will chew on everything, even the woodwork in my house, this is not
good for his teeth and I am afraid he will get a splinter. How do I set a boundary
around this when the woodwork is all over the house?
Give an alternative, get a big box filled with toys that he can chew on.
You can buy some great chew toys for your child (e.g. online at www.
arktherapeutic.com). Have a chew toy available in each room of your
house, or tie a chewy toy around their neck like a necklace, that way it
will always be available when you need to give an alternative.
Each time your child goes to chew on the wood, gently and quickly
move them away from the wood and offer them a chew toy instead.
Experiment with different chewy toys until you get the one that your
child enjoys the most. If they chew on wood then most likely they
would like a hard chewy toy. Make this exchange each time they chew
46 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

on the wood, be consistent with setting this boundary and giving the
alternative. If you are consistent with this, no matter how many times
you have to do it, they will get the message and most likely start to
seek the stimulation from the chew toy instead of the wood.

My child spits on the window and plays with it with his finger drawing patterns.
Do I set a boundary around this?
This is where I would advise you to consider each boundary you want
to set with care. Your child spitting and playing with his saliva on the
window does not harm the window, or your child, or anyone else. It
does not pose as a health risk, therefore it does not seem necessary.
This may be a boundary that you would want to set with your typical
child, but I would not suggest it for your child with autism. With
our children on the autism spectrum we want to set the least number

py
of new boundaries possible. This means that we can still create an
environment where our children see us as helpful people to interact
co
with rather than people who are constantly stopping them from doing
things that are important to them.

My child likes to play with our bottle of dishwashing detergent. When he has it
ew

I offer my child an alternative by giving him an empty bottle to play with but he
will not let go of the bottle of detergent I do not want him to play with. What
do I do then?
vi

If your child has an object that you do not want them to have because
re

it is not safe for them or they could break it, swop it for an object that
they can have. For instance in this case they have a bottle of detergent,
and you are swopping it with an empty plastic bottle. When you do
the swop, the key is to do it quickly before your child has a chance to
hold on tightly. If your child does hold on to the object, do not get
into a fight and push and pull with them, this will just make it more
exciting for your child to hold on. Instead hold on to the object you
want to exchange and move in the direction your child is pulling that
object. This takes the fight out of the situation. While you are doing
this say to your child some version of: “ I am going to hold on to this
until you are ready to let go of it. It is too dangerous for you to have,
as the contents of this bottle could make you sick if you ate it.” Then
keep hold of it and move with the direction your child is pulling the
bottle. This means your child may walk around holding the detergent,
 Creating Clear and Strong Boundaries 47

with you attached to the detergent bottle, for a few minutes—as soon
as your child lets go, you remove the object. Without the added fight
element your child will soon become bored and let go. Once they have
let go, celebrate them and give them the alternative.
I have used this technique with children at The Autism Treatment
Center of America countless times—it’s a gem!

My child likes to draw on the walls. I have done what you suggest by giving him
an alternative of drawing on paper, which he accepts some of the time, other
times when she gets hold of a pen he ignores my offer of drawing on the paper
and will draw on the wall. What do I do?
There are two ways to think about this situation:
• It could be a “button push,” which means that your child may

py
be drawing on the wall at times just to get a reaction from you.
For example, they may know that you do not want them to
do it and want to see what you will do. For instance, some of
co
us will raise our voices, or talk in a high squeaky voice when
telling our children not to do something. One sign to look for
to determine whether he is “button pushing” is to look and
ew

see if he is looking at you as he is drawing on the wall. This

is usually an indication that he is more interested in seeing
your reaction that he is in drawing on the wall itself. If this
vi

is the case, I would suggest to you that you read chapter 6

on “button pushing,” which will tell you in detail what to do
re

when your child is doing this.

• It could be that is just too irresistible for her. If you have done
all the above suggestions and ruled out ‘button pushing’ then
it is most likely something he is just too fascinated by. We
could reason with him all we like but he may just feel that she
“needs” to do this activity and for some reason that is useful to
him. If this is the case, I would just not make pens available to
him until a day comes when he can use pens without the urge
to draw on the walls. I would suggest that you do not have any
markers in the house; or if you have other children who will
want to use markers that you have a very special place for them
that your child with autism does not have access to. When
your other children want to use markers make sure that they
48 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

do so when your child with autism is not in the same room.

I would also suggest that you be careful where you put your
pens. Making sure that you put them in a special place for you
and your partner and you get used to putting them back in this
place. Then I would suggest that you experiment every three
months or so by offering your child with autism some markers
and paper to draw on and asking him to draw on the paper. As
he grows, his ability to follow through with not drawing on
the walls may change.

BOUNDARY SETTING ACTION CHECKLIST

1. Limit your boundaries to as few as possible.
2. Create boundaries around:
¨¨ py
things that could be harmful to your child
co
¨¨
things that are dangerous for your child to do
¨¨
things that are not healthy or hygienic for your child to
do.
ew

3. Create a united front. Have everyone who interacts with your

child know how to and what boundaries to create.
vi

4. Explain to you child the boundaries you have created a head

of time.
re

5. Explain to your child that you are setting the boundary to take
care of them and be helpful to them.
6. See the boundary as a loving act not punitive.
7. When setting the boundary:
¨¨
Be loving and caring in your tone and actions.
¨¨
Explain to them what you are doing and why.
¨¨
Be consistent.
¨¨
Be unmovable—see it through to the end.
 Creating Clear and Strong Boundaries 49

¨¨
Create it so they can’t do it straight away again. For
instance, if they have just put their hands down the toilet,
sit on the toilet seat.
¨¨
Give them an alternative. For instance, if they were ripping
a book, give them some paper for them to rip instead.

py
co
ew
vi
re
re
vi
ew
co
py
 Chapter 3

BELIEVE IN YOUR CHILD’S

ABILITY TO LEARN

I know that you believe in your child. You are at this moment reading
a book in the hopes that it will help you help your child. You would
not be doing so if you did not believe that your child could learn and

py
grow. This is one of the most powerful things you can do for your
child. It is this belief that will keep you trying. This belief will fuel
co
your actions and what you offer your child. As you embark on this
journey with your child, hold this belief close to your heart. Keep
it beating strong and vibrant. Never let anyone try and convince
ew

you otherwise. As your child’s parent you are their most important
advocate, their most important cheerleader and coach. Believe that it is
possible for your child to gain the skills discussed in this book such as:
vi

• Becoming toilet trained

re

• Enjoying brushing their teeth

• Getting dressed by themselves in the morning
• Learning to be gentle with others
• Sleeping through the night
• Using clear words and gestures to communicate (versus the
tantrum)
• Eating new foods.
Maybe some of you have certain doubts about your child’s ability to
learn in one or more of the skills listed above. Often when parents have
doubts, they usually share with me that it’s because they have not seen
any evidence yet that their child will be able do the skill. However,

51
52 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

what our children are currently doing need not be a template for what
they will or won’t do in the future.
Let’s look at the concept of belief. We believe all sorts of things
without seeing the outcome first. We plant seeds believing that that
particular seed will grow and flourish before it actually has. This belief
supports us in watering them and making sure they get enough sun to
flourish and grow. When our children are babies we believe that one
day they will walk, so we support them by holding their hands and
encourage them to take their first step. Just because our children have
been diagnosed with autism does not mean that they cannot grow
and flourish and reach their full potential. It just means that they learn
differently than their typical peers. This belief is the guiding-force that
will help us try for them. No child learns completely by themselves;
adults give them opportunities and encouragement. Our children have

py
to try harder and it may take them longer to learn some skills than
their neuro-typical peers, but that does not mean that they cannot
learn just as well. Let’s not look at what our children are doing today to dictate
co
what they will be doing in the future.
During the Son-Rise Program® Intensive we are often asked by
parents to work on different self-help skills. One particular week we
ew

were asked to help a little boy called Karim learn to brush his teeth. So
the staff enthusiastically created games and opportunities for Karim to
want to clean his teeth. It was the fourth day, and we had given Karim
vi

many opportunities to clean his teeth, we had persisted and made

it fun. Although Karim had watched us and smiled as we excitedly
re

encouraged him, he had not actually cleaned his teeth. His mom told
me that she wanted us to stop trying as it was obvious to her that he
could not or would not do this. Her reasoning was that if he could he
would have done so by now. I was in the middle of asking her why she
believed this when one of our staff child facilitators came in and told
us with great excitement that Karim had just picked up a toothbrush
and put it in this mouth. Yeah for Karim!
Karim’s mom did what we all often do, she created a timeframe,
then when that timeframe was up she decided that he was not going
to do it. One thing we don’t know is how long it is going to take for
our children to acquire these skills. One thing we do know is if we
stop believing in the possibility we will give up and then there is no
chance they ever will. Focus on what you want for your children and give
them the opportunities to get there.
 Believe in Your Child’s Ability to Learn 53

RE-EXAMINE WHAT YOU THINK YOUR CHILD IS CAPABLE OF

Take a moment to reflect. When you talk about your child do you start
a sentence with:
• He can’t…
• He won’t…
• He doesn’t…
I am sure that you will probably find that you do, all of us do at some
point. There is nothing wrong with this. Perhaps what you are saying
is currently true about your child. However the important thing here
is to keep checking in with our children to see if this is still the case.
What they can or can’t do yesterday has nothing to do [AQ] with what
they can or can’t do today.

py
One parent I worked with was amazed that her child put on his
sweater by himself. When I gave him the chance to put on the sweater
himself he did. His mom did not believe he could do this, thus never
co
gave him the opportunity.
Another mom was equally amazed that her child ate his applesauce
with a spoon. I had simply given him the spoon, when he did not take
ew

it from me I explained how it would be fun to use the spoon because

then he could keep his fingers clean. After I explained this he took the
spoon and used it. His mom shared with me that it never crossed her
vi

mind that he could do it as he had not done it before, thus she had
not asked him to.
re

These are just two examples where our children’s capabilities were
not realized because the adults in their lives did not believe they could
be a possibility. This is why it is exciting to re-examine what we think
our children are capable of.
You as the parent know the most about your children. You have the
most experience and depth of knowledge of your child. For example:
• the color he prefers
• the food he will eat
• the songs he will sing with you
• the fact that he will not let you play with puppets
54 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

• the fact that he bursts into tears every time you sing “Happy
Birthday”
• the fact that he will run and hide or put his hand over your
mouth when you talk loudly
• the fact that he does not play with toys, preferring to play
with pieces of string, and tapping with his fingers on the floor
and walls.
You know this because you have seen so much concrete evidence of
it time after time. If you experience your child never allowing you to
play with puppets, I think that is evidence enough to say that at this
moment in time it is a correct observation. But is not written in stone.
What is important is to check in with your child periodically to see
if the puppet situation still stands. Maybe it was a correct observation

py
six months ago, but your child has now moved on and now likes
you to play with puppets, but because you never questioned this old
co
observation you have not tried to do it in six months. Not questioning
our observations of our children can lead us to miss out on new
opportunities for learning and growth.
Instead of saying:
ew

• He can’t…
• He won’t…
vi

• He doesn’t…
re

practice saying:
• My child is getting ready to…
Leaving the door open that he could start doing it at any moment.
Then we may start to give him more opportunities to do so, and start
looking for it. Remember that our children are listening to what we
are saying. You may have noticed that I refer to a certain population
of our children as being “not verbal yet” instead of the more traditional
phrase “Nonverbal”. This is because it more accurately describes our
children. When we label them as “Nonverbal” we are suggesting that
they will always be that way. I just don’t believe that. Our children are
forever evolving and changing.
 Believe in Your Child’s Ability to Learn 55

EXERCISE 3.1
In the space provided below write a list of ten things you observe
about your child, and in the next couple of weeks check out each
of these observations and see if they are still true. Get in the habit
of doing this on a monthly basis. That way you will be up to date
and more current about what your child is willing to try, experience,
and do.
1. __________________________________________________
2. __________________________________________________
3. __________________________________________________
4. __________________________________________________
5. __________________________________________________
6. __________________________________________________

py
7. __________________________________________________
8. __________________________________________________
co
9. __________________________________________________
10. __________________________________________________
ew
vi
re
re
vi
ew
co
py
 Chapter 4

MOTIVATION
The Key to Everything

Motivation is everything. We work harder, learn quicker, and engage

more when we are really interested and enjoying what we are doing.
Raun K. Kaufman in his book Autism Breakthrough: The Groundbreaking

py
Method That Has Helped Families All Over the World says:
Motivation is the engine of growth. It is the single largest factor
co
in your child’s learning and progress. When a child is following
his or her own intrinsic interests and motivations, learning comes
fast and furious. (Kaufman 2014)
ew

I worked with Gabriella a beautiful young girl of seven. Gabriella

loved food, wanted to eat and look at pictures of food all day long.
At that time food was her one and only motivation. Because Gabriella
vi

focused nearly all of her attention around food her parents were trying
re

to move her away from food and get her into doing something else.
They wanted her to read, learn math, and experience more of what
“the world had to offer.” They did this by introducing subjects and
things that had nothing to do with food. This was not working. She
showed no interest in what they were offering her. This was because
they were completely ignoring what it is that she enjoyed—food.
The idea is to use your child’s motivations, by marrying the goal
or skill you want your child to learn with what it is they enjoy. We
did that with Gabriella. So instead of trying to get her away from
the subject of food we embraced it and made it the central focus of
everything we offered her. Over the next two years she learnt to speak
through naming all the different foods. She learnt math by cooking
her favorite foods and measuring out the ingredients. She learnt
to be flexible and spontaneous by making up her own recipes. She

57
58 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

learnt about the different cultures of the world through studying their
different foods. She even learnt French and Italian!
It is important to note that this is not about giving rewards for a
job well done. It is about putting what they enjoy at the center of the
activity or learning. This is going to be so important as you go about
encouraging your child to do all the skills outlined in this book.
Carl was ten years old and he loved staccato rhythms. He would
tap out rhythms using his fingers on the floor, the walls, and the backs
of books. His preferred state of being was to lie on a beanbag and
tap out rhythms. One goal we worked on with him was to encourage
him to be more active. So I brought in a skipping rope. Instead of
introducing it to him in a traditional way I showed him how he could
use the skipping robe in a way that I knew would interest him first. I
took the handles of the skipping rope and tapped out a rhythm. I then

py
gave it to him and he tapped out a rhythm. Then I swung the skipping
rope in a way that the rope made a rhythm on the floor. This helped
him become interested and interact with the skipping rope. We had
co
a lot of fun and by the end of the session he had attempted to skip.
Hooray for Carl! Putting what he was motivated for at the center of
the activity helped him reach the goal of being more active.
ew

FIND OUT WHAT MOTIVATES YOUR CHILD

vi

We can find out what really motivates our children by observing

where they put their attention. Then we can marry their motivation
re

with the goal we have for our child. This book is about how to help
our children with their self-help skills, such as taking a bath, sitting
on the toilet, eating new foods, and much more. These endeavors will
be so much more successful if we do them in a way that interests our
children. For some of you it will be immediately obvious to you what
motivates your child, for others it may not be so apparent. The exercise
below is designed to help you find out what motivates your child.

EXERCISE 4.1
Spend 15 minutes a day for five days just observing your child as
they play by themselves. Notice not just what they are playing with
but how they are playing with it. What senses are they predominately
using? As you observe them notice what they are doing, if they are
 Motivation 59

tapping things with their fingers then that is their motivation. It does
not have to be playing with something in the traditional sense. Our
children play and explore differently. The following list will help you
observe in a particular way. Just tick the boxes that are relevant to
your child.
¨¨
He touches or taps things in a rhythmic way.
¨¨
The rhythm is fast.
¨¨
The rhythm is slow.
¨¨
The rhythm is staccato.
¨¨
The rhythm is syncopated.
Add your child’s rhythm in the space provided below.
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________

py
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
co
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
ew

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
vi

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
re

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________

¨¨
He is visually stimulated.
¨¨
He looks at things out of the corner of his eye.
¨¨
He lines things up in neat rows.
¨¨
He likes to arrange things in scenes.
¨¨
He likes to arrange thing in piles.
¨¨
He stares at the wall, or ceiling, or at the woodwork, or light
switches.
¨¨
He stares intently at his own fingers as he slowly wiggles them.
60 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

¨¨
He looks at patterns while running his fingers over the pattern.
¨¨
He will watch the credits role down the TV again and again.
¨¨
He will draw.
¨¨
He likes to watch the chalk dust fall.
¨¨
He watches things that move like fans or any electrical
equipment.
¨¨
He stares at light on floorboards.
¨¨
He watches little things falling through the air like rice.
¨¨
He watches a scarves fall through the air.
¨¨
He closely watches the wheels of a car spin.
¨¨
He watches a piece of string dangle.
¨¨
He waves a belt along the floor watching it move like a snake.

py
Add what your child watches and how in the space provided below.
_________________________________________________________
co
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
ew

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
vi

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
re

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________

¨¨
He likes to engage in physical activities.
¨¨
He runs form one side of the room to another banging his hands
into the walls.
¨¨
He paces using large steps starting slowly and gathering speed,
then slowing down and again gathering speed.
 Motivation 61

¨¨
He flaps his hand, stimulating mainly his wrists.
¨¨
He flaps his fingers only.
¨¨
He shakes his head from side to side.
¨¨
He pushing his tongue against the side of his cheeks.
¨¨
He chews on any object he has.
¨¨
He slaps the side of his head, legs, or claps his hands.
¨¨
He jumps.
¨¨
He is constantly in motion.
¨¨
He holds an object most of the time.
Add your child’s particular physical activity in the space provided
below.
_________________________________________________________

py
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
co
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
ew

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
vi

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
re

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________

¨¨
He likes to listen to sounds.
¨¨
He puts a car up close to his ear and listens to the whirl of the
car wheels.
¨¨
He makes sounds to himself as he jumps, spins, or watches
things fall.
¨¨
He listens to the clank of a belt buckle falling to the ground as
he watches it fall.
62 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

¨¨
He bangs doors, listening to the click of the door handle opening
or closing.
¨¨
He says the same phrase or word over and over again, with a
particular inflection or rhythm.
¨¨
He shakes bells.
Add the specific sound your child likes to hear in the space below.
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________

py
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
co
_________________________________________________________
ew

¨¨
He likes patterns.
¨¨
He likes to do puzzles.
¨¨
He likes numbers.
vi

¨¨
He likes to spell words.
re

¨¨
He likes to solve math problems.
In the space below write your child’s own specific interest in patterns.
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
 Motivation 63

He likes to engage with textures and touch.

He loves soft things.
He loves hard and bumpy textures.
He loves furry things.
He likes sandpaper.
He will wrap himself up in a blanket.
He loves silky cloths.
He will roll cars up and down his arms.
He likes soft touch.
He like hard pressure like squeezes.
He loves ribbon.
He loves the feel of hair.
In the space below write any other texture or touch your child likes.
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________

py
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
co
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
ew

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
vi

_________________________________________________________
re

_________________________________________________________

¨¨
What kind of spaces does he like?
¨¨
He likes the doors and windows to be open.
¨¨
He will always close the door.
¨¨
He will surround himself with cushions.
¨¨
He will play underneath the table, or in a small play tent or play
house.
¨¨
He will play surrounded by a fortress of books or stuffed animals.
¨¨
He likes to play in a dark space.
¨¨
He likes to play in a light space.
64 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

In the space provided below write down any other kind of space your
child enjoys.
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________

py
_________________________________________________________
co
¨¨
What type of characters does he like?
¨¨
Plastic Disney characters?
ew

¨¨
Soft plush Disney characters?
¨¨
Movie characters?
¨¨
vi

Characters from a storybook?

Write your child favorite characters in the space provided for below.
re

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
 Motivation 65

What music or song does your child like?

Write them down in the space provided below.
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________

py
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
co
Does your child show you a color preference?
If so write in the space provided for below.
ew

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
vi

_________________________________________________________
re

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
66 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

EXERCISE 4.2
This time notice how your child responds to what you do. As you
read the list below see if your child likes you to do any of actions. If
you are not sure, then find out by trying the action with your child.
If they do, then that’s their motivation.
¨¨
Speaking in funny voices, like Mickey Mouse and Donald
Duck
¨¨
Using slapstick humor like pretending to fall on a banana
skin
¨¨
Big gestures, and big facial expressions
¨¨
Big celebrations
¨¨
Singing to them
¨¨
Playing musical instruments
¨¨
Dancing in big and funny ways
¨¨
Whispering
py
co
¨¨
Using anticipation
¨¨
Talking softly
ew

¨¨
Clapping hands
¨¨
Pretending to be an animal
¨¨
Reading books out loud
vi

¨¨
Tickling him
re

¨¨
Big squeezes
¨¨
Blowing on his body
Add any other things that you do that motivate your child in the
space below.
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
 Motivation 67

Now you have just created a list of your child’s own unique motivations.
As you read the upcoming chapters use these specific motivations
to encourage your child to want to achieve the goals in this book,
by putting your child’s motivation at the center of the activity. For
example:

Marcus’s story: goal = eat new foods,

motivation = Spider-Man
Marcus was five and completely in love with Spider-Man. I think
the only clothes he ever wore while I knew him was a Spider-
Man costume—so cute! While he loved Spider-Man he seemed not
to be so interested in eating. He was underweight and his parents
understandably were very concerned about his health. So we took his

py
motivation for Spider-Man and married it with our goal of wanting
him to eat. We started by making up stories about what Spider-Man
loved to eat after he has done his day’s work of being a super hero. He
co
was amazing at drawing so we drew cartoons together about Spider-
Man, and every place we could we would draw Spider-Man eating, or
stopping off at the shops to get his favorite foods. These were of course
ew

all the different foods that we wanted Marcus to eat. We would then
bring in what we started to call “Spider-Man Meals.” We introduced
the food on Spider-Man party plates and while we were playing we
vi

would stop for a Spider-Man Munch. Within a couple of weeks he had

started to put on weight. This was because we made eating the most
re

interesting we could for him by putting what he enjoyed most at the

center of the activity.
Enjoy!
re
vi
ew
co
py
 Chapter 5

TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN

The Power of the Explanation

Two things to believe about your children:

• They are intelligent.
•
py
They can listen and understand what we say to them.
These two beliefs, if you choose to adopt them, will profoundly impact
co
you and your child’s future. It will affect the way that you implement
every single suggestion in this book. It will also make it easier for your
child to learn and attempt to do all the skills discussed in this book.
ew

For those of you who have highly verbal children these statements
may be obvious. For whose of you whose children are partially or not
verbal yet, these statements may be groundbreaking. If they are, I am
vi

excited for you! If you can believe these two statements about your
child, it will change everything for the two of you. There is nothing
re

to lose and everything to gain.

YOUR CHILD IS INTELLIGENT

This belief is paramount to the success of your child. Why? There
have been studies suggesting that our belief in a child’s intelligence
can have a direct effect on whether that child succeeds or fails. This is
called the “Pygmalion effect” or “Rosenthal effect.” “When we expect
certain behaviors of others, we are likely to act in ways that make
the expected behavior more likely to occur” (Rosenthal and Jacobson
1968).
Rosenthal predicted that when given the information that certain
students had higher IQs than others, elementary school teachers

69
70 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

may unconsciously behave in ways that facilitate and encourage the

students’ success. “In terms of teaching, faculty who gripe about
students establish a climate of failure, but faculty who value their
students’ abilities create a climate of success” (Rosenthal and Babad
1985). This shows us that the way that we think and the things that
we believe about our children affect the way that we approach them
and deal with them every day.
Most of us have seen our children show great intelligence and
understanding of what is going on around them. Sam is a great example
of this. He accessed his parents’ computer and successfully bought
tickets to “Legoland.” To do this he had to use his parents’ credit
card; this included turning the card over and typing in the security
number! At this time Sam was only seven years old and not yet verbal.
[AQ] This was the first time his parents realized he could read. I have

py
worked with children who, although they have not demonstrated an
ability to speak, are able to pick the most complicated locks and do
10,000-piece puzzles without even looking at the pieces. All of this
co
takes great intelligence.
Close your eyes for a moment and think of all the things that your
child does that demonstrates their intelligence. Or things that you
ew

have seen your child do that surprised you, and you found yourself
thinking, “I didn’t know he could do that?” These are signs of your
child’s sometimes hidden intelligence.
vi

YOUR CHILD LISTENS AND CAN

re

UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU SAY

In the late 1800s when cerebral palsy was first categorized as a diagnosis,
it was thought that it was accompanied with mental retardation. Now
it is know as a physical illness only. The Early Childhood Initiative
Foundation states: “By definition, having cerebral Palsy doesn’t tell us
anything about a child’s ability to learn and reason. How much and
how fast they learn may be different from child to child.”
Professionals working in this field know that it is the inability to
control facial muscles that results in a child profoundly affected by
cerebral palsy being unable to speak. This alone is not a sign of lack
of intelligence or their inability to understand what is said to them.
I do not think that is much different with children on the autism
spectrum. They are often so preoccupied with dealing with their own
 Talk to Your Children 71

sensory systems that they cannot always show us that they understand
what we are saying. Many women who have given birth will describe
how they ignore the people around them during giving birth. The
birth experience being so intense, it is impossible to focus their
attention on responding. This is of course not because they did not
understand what was being asked, but because they were immersed
in doing something that demanded their whole attention. It can be
like that for our children. The challenge our children have is showing us a
response that we can understand. A lack of response does not mean a lack of
understanding.
Today there is an ever growing body of evidence of children
who cannot respond verbally or physically to their parents’ requests,
or events going on around them, who demonstrate through typing
without assistance that they are aware of everything and have thoughts,

py
observations, and desires for their lives. Carly is a great example of this
(see her story at www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNZVV4Ciccg). When
asked to contribute to her Grade 10 Individualized Education Plan
co
she answered the question “Is there any additional information you
would like to share that you feel it is important we know?” as follows:
“That I am eager to learn and that even if I am not looking at you, I am
ew

still listening and paying attention” (Fleischmann 2012).

Naoki Higashida is a young man with autism who also
communicates through typing independently. In his book The Reason I
vi

Jump he answers the question “Do you find childish language easier to
understand?” as follows:
re

Children with autism are also growing and developing every

single day, yet we are forever being treated like babies. I guess it is
because we seem to act younger than our true age, but whenever
someone treats me as if I’m still a toddler, it really hacks me off. I
don’t know whether people think I’ll understand baby language
better, or whether they think I just prefer being spoken to in
that way. I’m not asking you to deliberately use difficult language
when you talk to people with autism—just that you treat us as
we are, according to our age. Every single time I’m talked down
to, I end up feeling utterly miserable—as if I’m being given zero
change of a decent future. (Higashida, 20 p.29)
Your child does listen to what you say. Your child can understand what
you say to them. Your child is intelligent. This has been my everyday
72 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

experience as I work with children on the autism spectrum. I remember

working with a beautiful three-year-old boy for a total of 15 hours, of
which for at least 13 of those hours he was engaged in staring at and
touching the fringe of a pink blanket, rarely engaging with me. I so
enjoyed playing with him and joining him in his activities of looking
at and touching the pink fringe. At that time he spoke only three clear
words and his interactive attention span was two minutes. His parents
ran a full-time Son-Rise Program® for him at home and I worked with
him again a year and a half later. I was excited to meet him again and
he had developed hugely. He could talk and have conversations, and
his interactive attention span was now 20 minutes. A far cry from the
little boy I first met. Within the first 20 minutes of playing with me
he proceeded to tell me in great detail everything that he and I had
done 18 months earlier, and all the things I had said to him. At that

py
time he had not been able to show me that he was taking in what I
was saying to him, but obviously he had. He was also demonstrating
a magnificent memory.
co
Can you believe that your child can understand you even if they
do not display the type of clear evidence in the examples above? Can
you take a leap of faith? I ask you, why not? There is no downside to
ew

this. It will not hurt your child in any way. It will only open up doors
and create understanding for your child and help you work together
in harmony. It is my experience that the more fully we explain what is
vi

going on and really talk to our children on the autism spectrum, the
more they work with us and become open to our direction.
re

VERBALLY EXPLAIN EVERYTHING IN DETAIL TO YOUR CHILD

In order to participate in the world, we need to understand what is
going on in our environment and what’s happening. For example,
making transitions with our children from one place to another can be
very difficult. Would you not be a little resistant if you did not know
where you were going or why? Our children are carted around from
place to place. From school to therapy; from home to the doctor’s; to
the pool and back again. Do they know where they are going? When
they are put in the car, is it to Grandma’s where they love swinging
on her swing, or to the hospital where the lights are too bright and
the sound too chaotic for their over-sensitive ears? At least when the
school bus arrives it is clear to them where they are going! Giving our
 Talk to Your Children 73

children clear verbal explanations at their current age level will help
them understand what is happening and what is going to happen.
Clear verbal explanations will help our children to want to take
any type of medication, supplements or vitamins we may want them
to take. Do they know how helpful this is to them and how it will aid
their bodies? Do we let them know, or are we sneakily trying to get it
in them without telling them what we are up to. Let them know that
the medicine that you want to give them will take away the pain that
they are feeling and help them be well.
Clear explanations will help our children understand that we care.
If we do not explain why we are telling them “No” to something that
they want, then how are they supposed to know that we have their
very best interests at heart. For example, let your child know that if
he eats that eighth cookie he will most likely have an upset stomach

py
and be sick, and that you are loving him and taking care of him by
not letting him have it. Or that they cannot go outside because it is
raining and if they get wet they may get a cold, and not be able to do
co
the things that they love to do, like running and jumping. When we
explain things to our children we give them the chance to know that
we are on their side and are helping them.
ew

When you explain the why, what and how of things in detail you
will most likely find that your children will comply more and resist
less. Below is a list of things that would be useful to explain to your
vi

children. This is just a starter list, not everything is listed below, just a
few suggestions so you get the idea.
re

• When you are going to leave the house let them know the
day’s events in the morning, and then remind them 15 minutes
before you are going to leave.
ºº Tell them where you are going.
ºº How long you will stay there.
ºº If you are going to more than one place in what order you
will be visiting each place.
ºº Why you are going there, if it is shopping that you will
buy food for the week, or just milk. Or of it is to see
Grandma that you are going to celebrate her birthday, or
you need to talk to her etc. Do tell them the real reason,
however mundane or simple it sounds to you.
74 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

ºº What will happen in detail when you get there? For

example, will there be other people at Grandma’s? Will
people be watching TV or having a meal together? If so,
what will your child be most likely eating. Will there be a
lot of noise, does your child have to stay with the group
or can he go off and play by himself in another room?
Basically everything that is happening.
• That you are going to change their clothes.
• They are going to have a bath.
• Why they need to brush their teeth.
• Explain to them why they go to any therapy they do. If it is
speech therapy, why it is helpful for them to learn to talk; if it

py
is occupational therapy, why it is useful for them to move in
the ways the therapist is asking them to.
co
• Why you do not want them to run in the car park and what
will happen to their bodies if a car hits them.
• Exactly how the medicine you are giving them will help their
ew

bodies. Use words that are age-appropriate for your child. If

your child is a teenager or older, use the medical words or
maybe even read the label out to them. If your child is three
vi

years old, use phrases that a three-year-old would understand.

When we do not believe that our children understand us we do not
re

talk to them. When we do not talk to them they do not know what is
going on. When we do not know what is going on we may become
cautious about trusting those around us, and may even resist and refuse
what is happening.

WHAT IF THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND

If believing your child can understand you feels difficult, then consider
the following. Even if a child does not understand every word it is still
important to give clear detailed explanations. When we listen to other
people, we take in and understand what they are saying not just from
the actual words themselves, but also from what is called a “feeling
tone.” A feeling tone is what we communicate by our tone of voice,
our facial expressions, and our body language. That implies that our
 Talk to Your Children 75

children do not have to understand every word to have sense of the

meaning behind our words. As we are explaining to them how much
we love them and enjoy them when they kiss and hug us, they pick
up that we love them and enjoy them from the tone of our voice,
our body language, and facial expressions. If they do not understand
everything but understand that we are here to help them, protect them,
and are on their side, they will more likely trust us and go along with
us, because we are communicating this to them. If we do not verbally
communicate to them, then we are not passing this along.

Believe in your child’s inner intelligence

Not only will giving your child clear explanations help your child
understand the world around them, but also it will help them

py
understand the good and wonderful intentions behind everything you
are offering your child. Giving clear explanations to the children I
work with has always brought me closer to them, and I have found
co
them powerfully effective in creating a clear, strong, and trusting
relationship with each child. Enjoy talking in more depth with your
children. Never underestimate the power of an explanation.
ew

TALKING TO YOUR CHILD ACTION CHECKLIST [AQ]

vi

• Believe that your child is intelligent.

re

• Believe that your child can listen and can understand what you
say to them.
• Remember, a lack of response from your child does not mean
a lack of understanding.
• Give clear verbal explanations to your child at their current
age level.
• Explain to them their day, where they are going, and why.
• Explain to them what you are going to do before you do it.
Such as clean their teeth, brush their hair, put on their jacket.
• Explain concepts to them. Such as why it is not useful for
them to run in a car park, or why you it is necessary to hold
their hand as they cross the road.
re
vi
ew
co
py
 Chapter 6

BUTTON PUSHING

Children are forever moving and interacting with their world.

Everything is new for them and their job is to be curious, explore, and
learn. Nothing is off limits. With this wonderful curiosity comes the
desire for our children to button push. Button pushing refers to our

py
children exploring our reactions to their behavior. What will we do
if they do X? What will happen? Will it be fun? It is all about them
finding out about us, the world around them, and how their actions
co
affect their environment. We often give them good reason to continue
to button push, because our reactions can be fun and amusing to
watch. We may shout, jump up and down, speak in a high squeaky
ew

voice, turn red, or stiff with rage. We can become as funny as watching
a cartoon character.
When I was younger I knew exactly how to get an amusing
vi

reaction from my dad. I just had to get a fit of giggles at dinnertime

and I would never be disappointed with his reaction. His face would
re

stiffen, he would point his finger at me, and talk in a stern voice,
start to threaten all sorts of consequences, which I did not want but I
enjoyed the fact that I could invite such predictable behavior in him.
The reaction I wanted was named “the wobble effect” by my sister and
me. When he got angry his whole body would wobble, and whatever
the consequences of my behavior I found this amusing enough to
continue.
There are many ways that your child may button push. Crying and
hitting are definitely two of them. I will talk about hitting and crying
in the following two chapters. I have dedicated a separate chapter to
each of those subjects. This chapter addresses the other varied things
our children do to try and evoke our often very dramatic response.
Such as, but not limited to:

77
78 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

• Weeing on the floor instead of in the toilet

• Drawing on the walls
• Throwing their food
• Spilling water
• Spitting
• Swearing
• Picking their nose and eating it
• Throwing a toy or breaking it
• Twirling a finger through your hair
• Poking at your breasts
•
py
Talking about a subject matter that people can find
uncomfortable.
co
For example I worked with a family who had a nine-year-old-boy with
autism. His whole family where vegans, they did not eat any animal
products, and were very concerned for the welfare of animals. This
ew

little boy would love to talk about eating meat. He would talk about
eating a “juicy steak of animal flesh” and lick his lips while looking
intently at the reactions of his family. They were horrified, believing
vi

that they had failed to pass on their own values. They would gasp at
this statements and shake their head, raise their voices as they lectured
re

him about the welfare of animals. He did not want to eat meat; he just
wanted to watch the horrified reactions of his family.
I worked with another boy who, due to his food allergies, was on
a gluten- and casein-free diet. He would tell his mom that he had just
eaten gluten or casein. Then sit back and smile as she shouted and
lectured him on how this was not a good thing. He actually never ate
the food he was not allowed to eat he just loved watching his mom’s
reaction.
Another child of five was more dramatic. Whenever he was in
public and there was a baby he would declare loudly so that everyone
could hear, “That baby is ugly.” You can imagine the discomfort and
shocked faces that would arise from such a statement.
 Button Pushing 79

HOW TO IDENTIFY A BUTTON PUSH

If your child’s attention is on you and you react to the activity it is
likely to be a button push. Look for the following signs:
• They look at you while they are doing the activity.
• They look at you right after they have done the activity.
• They announce to you that they have just done the activity.
• They smile or laugh when you react to what they have just
done.
• They do it again right after you have asked them not to while
looking at you.
Special note: If your child does an activity when they are by themselves.

py
Let’s say they might be ripping paper or playing with water. They
may be focusing very intensely on this activity not noticing anyone
around them. Even if when you see them doing it you give them a big
co
reaction and say “No” to them, your reaction alone does not mean that
it is a button push. If they were doing it by themselves then it is most
likely one of their repetitive activities/isms/stims, and is not a button
ew

push. A button push is an activity your child does to get a reaction

from another person it is not something your child does when they
are alone.
vi
re

EXERCISE 6.1
Take a moment to think about your child. Think about anything they
might do that you give a big reaction to. Now think about whether
they seem interested in and are looking with amusement at your
reaction. When you have done that write down your child’s button-
pushing behavior on the button pushing worksheet on p.000.

WHY DO OUR CHILDREN BUTTON PUSH?

• It is fun! It is as simple as that. We can be very entertaining for
our children. Our reactions at times can be disproportionate to
the actual actions of our children. All of us have experienced
80 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

walking away from our children asking ourselves, “Why did

I just react in that way?” It is this over-the-top reaction that
our children start to look for again and again. As children, all
of us have pushed other people’s buttons too. Why? It can be
very funny. Remember those long car trips as a child? Well I
remember one such trip when I was nine, where I found much-
needed entertainment by pushing my sister’s buttons. She did
not want me to touch her while she was reading her book.
Knowing this bothered her I kept touching her shoulder with
my finger. Each time I did this, or just pointed my finger in her
direction she would explode into high-pitch squeaky yelling.
Which was met with my laughter.
• It feels powerful. When our children realize that they can
create a reaction in us, not only is it fun, it gives them a sense

py
of power and control in a world that they often experience as
chaotic. Our children start to realize that they can now “make”
co
another person react. Along with this new found power comes
a sense of control. When I do “X,” Mom does “Y.” Our children
begin to think, “Ah ha great! I can have an impact and control
my world in this way.” As we have discussed earlier, having
ew

control in their lives is a very important for our children, thus

button pushing can become another way to gain this control.
vi

• It could be a sign that they are becoming more

interactive. If you find that your child is suddenly going
re

through a particularly intense period of button pushing it may

be because they have become less exclusive and have grown
in their interactive ability. When a child with autism becomes
more aware of their environment they start to notice that what
they do can cause another person to do something. If this is
the case for your child, it is an exciting and important time of
growth for them.
• It could be a sign that they are under-stimulated. If your
child has increased their level of button pushing, it may be
a sign that they are being under-stimulated. They are button
pushing as a form of entertainment just because they have
nothing better to do. Sometimes school programs or home-
based programs can become stagnant. It may be that your
 Button Pushing 81

child has grown, and needs more interesting and challenging

activities and learning opportunities. Reassess your child’s
program to see if this is the case.

THREE EASY STEPS TO DEACTIVATE A BUTTON PUSH

• Change your internal reaction.
• Change your external reaction.
• React in a huge way to something you do want them to do.

Change your internal reaction

Our children button push to explore our reaction to their action.

py
When our reaction is interesting to them then they will continue. The
fastest way to stop your child from button pushing is to deactivate the
co
button by changing your reaction. You want to do this on an internal
level as well as an external level. Many times parents tell me that they
were furious with their children but that they managed not to show
it. I have seen no successful way to do this. If you are actually furious
ew

then it will show on your face and in your body movement. Your
body will stiffen, your eyes change, and your jaw tenses. Your children
know you, and they know the difference between how you sound and
vi

behave when you are at ease and how you sound and behave when
you are tense, uncomfortable or annoyed. However much you may
re

want to there is no way of “fooling” them.

EXERCISE 6.2
Take a moment to think about what thoughts go through your mind
when your child does this button-pushing behavior. Go to the button
pushing worksheet on p.000 in the space provided write down your
internal feelings or thoughts when your child button pushes. If you
are having difficulty coming up with an internal thought or feeling,
read through the ones below to see is any of them sound familiar
to you.
¨¨
I hate it when he does this.
¨¨
He is only doing this to bug me.
82 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

¨¨
I can’t stand listening to this any longer.
¨¨
I just do not like it when he does this.
¨¨
I can’t help it if I don’t like bodily fluids.
¨¨
He should know better by now.
¨¨
He is just misbehaving.

Ok so this is the really exciting part of this chapter – because you

can change the way you are acting in relation to your child’s button-
pushing behaviors and then you can help them to find another way
to behave—you have the power to make a difference by changing
yourself first!
First thing to do is: internally relax. Find a way to become relaxed

py
with what your child is doing. You can do this by softening the
thoughts you have about the action your child is doing.
co
If they are spilling water on the floor, you could soften your
thoughts about it by thinking to yourself something like “It is not the
end of the world it can be tidied up.”
If they are talking to you about a particular subject that you have
ew

found uncomfortable, or maybe they are telling you that they are
going to throw all their toys out of the window, soften your thoughts
about it by reminding yourself that they are saying this not because
vi

they believe it or will do it but because they want to see your reaction.
re

If they are screaming in a high-pitch way that you have previously

found hard to listen to, soften your thoughts about it by remind
yourself that this sound will not go on forever, and that your child
is doing this just to get a reaction. Embrace the sound, tap your toe
to its rhythm, yes you can do that. By relaxing into the sound and
embracing it you will be more likely not to overreact and will be one
step closer to not hearing it again.
Let that be your incentive. The more you can soften your thoughts
about the action your child is doing, the easier it will be to change
your reaction. Then it is more likely that your child will lose interest
in doing the action.
 Button Pushing 83

Change your external reaction

Take a moment to think about what is your reaction to your child’s
button push. What does your voice sound like, how do you move
your body? Go to the button pushing work sheet on p.000 and fill in
the section on how you respond externally. Below are some common
reactions that may be similar to yours.
• I shout at him to stop.
• I move quickly over to him and move him a little roughly away
from what he is doing.
• I lecture him quietly while clenching my teeth and holding
back my anger.
• I slap his hand away.
•
•
I yell “No No No!”
py
I cross my arms and give him that “don’t you dare” face.
co
• I grab the object.
The idea is to react as little as possible. We want to show our child
ew

that this action no longer gets them the reaction or attention they are
looking for.
Change your reaction in the following ways:
vi

• Do not acknowledge verbally that this matters to you.

re

• Do not acknowledge physically that this matters to you. For

example, do not make a facial expression that would denote
displeasure or shake your head or wag your finger.
• Carry on with whatever you were doing at the time they
button push. If you are playing a game together, carry on
with this game. If you were talking to him, carry on with the
conversation. If you are involved with your own activity, carry
on with that activity. This way you are showing them that this
action does not get you to react in the same way anymore.
You child will conclude that this is no longer a button to push
inside of you and stop doing that activity to get you to react.
84 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

• Wait a few minutes before you take any action. For example, if
their button push was to wee on the floor, wait a few minutes
before you clean it up.
• If your child is talking to you about a subject that you
previously found challenging, answer their questions or talk
about the topic in a calm and understated way.
Special note: To know how to respond to a button push when your
child hits you, see chapter 8.

React in a huge way to something

you do want them to do
As I have already said, our children are doing this activity to get a

py
reaction from us. So let’s give them a reaction to something we do
want them to do. Find a time when your child is doing something that
you want them to continue to do such as;
co
• Touching you gently
• Eating a food item you wanted them to eat
ew

• Weeing on the potty

• Drawing on the paper and not the wall
vi

• Dancing
re

• Singing a song
• Looking at you.
Give them a huge reaction when they do anything you want them to
do. This is the time to jump up and down, vary your voice in interesting
ways, wave your arms in the air, and dance in a funny way. Tell them
know how wonderful this is. Then your child has something to do to
get your reaction and it just happens to be something you want them
to do too!!!
I will illustrate how to do this using the example of a child I
worked with who was weeing on the floor instead of the toilet. I knew
this was a button push because while he was weeing he was staring at
me, eyes shining, waiting for my response. In a situation like this you
would:
 Button Pushing 85

1. Relax. Take a deep breath and remember that this is not the
end of the world. A little wee on the floor will not hurt anyone
and can be cleaned up.
2. Remind yourself that your child is doing this only to get a
reaction from you and that by relaxing you will be closer to
helping your child not do this.
3. Don’t externally react to the weeing on the floor. Keep
verbally quiet about it. Keep your facial expressions the way
they were before you noticed your child wee on the floor. If
you were smiling, keep smiling; if you had a relaxed neutral
expression, keep that. Carry on with what you were doing. If
you were talking to your child about something, carry on with
that topic of conversation. If you were in an activity with your

py
child, keep doing that activity. If you were doing a chore, keep
on doing that chore.
co
4. Wait a few minutes before you clean up the wee. When you
clean it up do so in a quiet, calm and understated way.
5. In the next 30 minutes find something that your child is doing
ew

that you want to give a really big huge and wonderfully fun
reaction to. So that if your child wants to continue to button
push, they can do that activity instead of weeing on the floor.
vi
re

EXERCISE 6.3
Now take a moment and think about how you are going to respond
differently to the your child button pushing. Go to the button pushing
worksheet on p.000 and fill in the last two sections, this will help
you to be fully prepared to respond differently the next time you
notice your child button pushing.
86 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

BUTTON PUSHING ACTION CHECKLIST [AQ]

• Check to see if your child is button pushing by seeing if they
are displaying the following signs:
ºº They look at you while they are doing the activity.
ºº They look at you right after they have done the activity.
ºº They announce to you that they have just done the
activity.
ºº They smile or laugh when you react to what they have
just done.
ºº They do it again right after you have asked them not to
while looking at you.
• Deactivate the button push.
•
py
Internally relax: soften your thoughts surrounding the action
your child is doing.
co
• Remind yourself that they are only doing this activity to see
your reaction.
• Remind yourself that if you not react they will most likely
stop doing the activity.
ew

• Do not react verbally.

• Do not react physically.
vi

• Carry on with what you were doing before your child started
the button-pushing activity.
re

• React in a huge, interesting, and lively was to something

your child does that you want them to continue to do.
 Button Pushing 87

BUTTON PUSHING WORKSHEET

1. Write down examples of what your child does as a button
push.
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________

py
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
co
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
ew

2. Write down your internal experience to your child’s button

push.
vi

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
re

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
88 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

3. Write down your external reaction to your child’s button

push.
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________

py
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
co
4. Now write down the new way you are going to respond to
ew

your child’s button push, both internally and externally.

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
vi

_________________________________________________________
re

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
 Chapter 7

THE TANTRUM RESCUE

Tantrum. Meltdown. Wig-Out. Episode. Fit. Whining. Whingeing. Crying.

Eppi fit. The big T.
Why are there so many words for one event? Everyone tantrums, it
is not just a two-year-old phenomenon. Ten-year-olds, 13-year-olds,

py
18-year-olds, 30- and 40-year-olds, and even my 89-year-old granddad
tantrums. Toddlers, teenagers, college students, politicians, celebrities,
co
teachers, police officers, everyone does it. If we think it will get us
what we want, we give it a good try. It can be a powerful tool and very
effective. The appeal never seems to diminish. We even seem to like
watching it on TV. It is modeled so frequently in our society and world
ew

that we have to have many names for this one event. One underlying
belief that the Western world sells is, “I should get everything I want
now.” This supports and fuels the tantrum phenomenon.
vi

Our children do not use the tantrum because they are on the autism
spectrum they use the tantrum because they are human beings. Our
re

children have tantrums in common with typically developing children,

and except for a couple of areas they do it for similar reasons.

WHAT IS THE TANTRUM?

I see all the following behaviors listed below as variations on the
tantrum when they are used in response to our children not getting what they
want.
• The full-blown Grade A rock star performance of yelling,
screaming, falling to the ground, and throwing things
• Crying
• Shouting

89
90 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

• Talking with “an attitude,” which means they are talking in

a “bossy” demanding way; their tone may be a little curt and
slightly raised
• Pouting and giving you the silent treatment
• Hitting the side of their own head repeatedly or biting the
side of their hand by the thumb
• Head banging
• Crying and hitting you
• Yelling and knocking things over or throwing things.
When I use the word tantrum in this chapter I am referring to all the
behaviors above, and you can use the techniques in this chapter in

py
response to any one of them. Your child may do the actions above for
a number of reasons. I would call any one of these behaviors a tantrum
when they are used in response to your child not getting what he wants.
co
WHY DO OUR CHILDREN USE THE
ew

TANTRUM IN ALL ITS VARIATIONS?

It works. It is our children’s job to find out what will get them what
they want in the quickest way. If your child is using the tantrum then
vi

it is usually because it gets them the thing that they want quicker
than anything else they might have tried. This is the case whatever
re

level of language your child has, verbal, or not verbal yet. I am sure
you can all remember a time when you were busy cooking or doing
some other important errand for your family. Your special child is
either in the kitchen with you or in another room chatting to himself,
maybe babbling away, maybe reciting a scene from a movie. You go
about your cooking not paying attention to the language your child is
producing probably glad to be able to get on with your activity. Then
suddenly your child starts to scream or cry, your parental antenna goes
up, and you rush to his aid. Here the unintentional message you give to
your child is screaming, shouting, crying is more useful than speaking
to get Mom and Dad’s attention.
Another example: You are doing your weekly shop, your child
wants you to open a bag of chocolate chip cookies so that they can
start eating them, and you give them two cookies. They want more.
 The Tantrum Rescue 91

Maybe they let you know this by saying “More cookie” or nonverbally
by putting the bag in your hand again; you say no, they try again
maybe they even lean in and kiss you. You say no, they start to cry and
begin to make a scene they begin to cry, loudly, the people around you
start to stare and so, in order to avoid this public scene, you give them
another cookie: anything to stop the staring. Here the unintentional
message you are giving your child is: “If I cry I will get what I want.”
It is more effective than any verbal or nonverbal communications.
Another example: You and your child are playing together and
they are being very interactive with you; how you love this beautiful
time together! Then, suddenly they stop and want to watch a video,
because you so love the interaction you were just having, you do not
want them to, you want to keep playing with them. They are persistent,
handing you the DVD, or verbally communicating, “Play DVD.” You

py
stick to your guns and say no: they start to cry; you still say no. Then
after a few more minutes of crying you start to feel that maybe you are
mean not giving them the DVD. You think that you are making them
co
sad, you want them to think that you are a good parent; so you pop
the DVD in for them. Again, the unintentional message you give your
child is: “Crying will get me what I want” and that it is more effective
ew

than any verbal or nonverbal communication.

I am sure that most of us will relate to these sentiments and
examples! Even if they are not exactly what happens in your daily life
vi

with your children, you will have your own similar version.
While helping parents with their children’s tantrums some share
re

with me that they do not experience themselves as giving their

children what they want when they tantrum. Maybe as you are reading
this you are feeling that way too. However, in my experience, a child only
continues to use the tantrum to get what they want because someone is responding
to it. Maybe you do not respond to the tantrum seven times out of ten,
which is a high ratio. However, from your child’s point of view, it still
means that it works! If you do respond to their tantrum three times
out of ten, it is worth using this tantrum method each time, because
there is a chance that this is the time they will get what they want. Our
children find it hard to express their wants verbally so it makes good
sense for them to use the tantrum, even if it only sometimes works. So
really be honest with yourself about your responses to the tantrum. It
is not about being right or wrong, it is about understanding yourself
and seeing clearly how you are responding to your child so that you
92 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

can help them. Usually when parents really start to think about all the
times their children tantrum they can find examples of when they did
respond. You are not alone in this. I myself have had to work through
my own feelings about the tantrum. Once I became more comfortable
with the tantrum and did not feel the need to stop it, I was then able
to help children find a more effective way to communicate. Once we
know what we are doing then we can begin to change.

CHANGE OUR THOUGHTS CHANGE OUR ACTIONS

The way to decrease our children’s use of crying and the tantrum is
to change the way we respond. It is about showing our children that
it does not work anymore. In order to do that it is important for us to
identify why we are responding in the first place. Finding the reason

will help change our response to it.

py
helps us adopt a different thought pattern about the tantrum, which

The first step is to identify how we are thinking and feeling when
co
your children tantrum. The exercises below will help you do that.
ew

EXERCISE 7.1
Ask yourself, What thoughts run through my head when my child
tantrums? Write down your first recollections. Or wait until the next
vi

time your child tantrums and listen to the thoughts that run through
your head. If you are having difficulty use the list below, just tick the
re

ones that are relevant to you.

¨¨
Oh no, here we go again!
¨¨
I can’t go through this again.
¨¨
I have no idea how to handle this.
¨¨
Why me?
¨¨
There has to be something I am doing wrong.
¨¨
I hate autism.
¨¨
I wish I lived elsewhere.
¨¨
Will he always be like this?
¨¨
I am no good at this.
¨¨
What will the neighbors think?
 The Tantrum Rescue 93

¨¨
I hope they don’t call the police.
¨¨
What will he be like if he does this at 18 years old?
¨¨
I’d rather be at work.
¨¨
I don’t think he likes me.
Next question, How do I feel emotionally when I first hear my child
begin to tantrum? The list below is to help you, just tick the ones
that are relevant to you.
¨¨
Sad
¨¨
Annoyed
¨¨
Anxious
¨¨
Numb
¨¨
Helpless
¨¨
Panic
¨¨
Bad
py
co
¨¨
Fed up
¨¨
Angry
ew

¨¨
Frustrated
¨¨
Calm
¨¨
Furious
vi

Next question: How does my body respond when I my child

re

tantrums?
¨¨
I tense my body.
¨¨
I start to hold my breath.
¨¨
My heart begins to race.
¨¨
I tense my jaw.
¨¨
I clench my teeth.
¨¨
I turn around or get up quickly.
¨¨
I start to sigh.
¨¨
My heart sinks.
¨¨
My eyes widen.
¨¨
My palms start to sweat.
94 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

Now that you have identified some of your responses to your child’s
tantrum you can see that it can evoke powerful feelings and physical
responses. It’s no wonder we want to move fast and get our children
to stop. Our children pick up on the rich mixture of our physical and
emotional reactions and use them to their benefit! It is not a malicious
act, it is their job to find the quickest route to getting what they want.
They are just being children; all children have a sixth sense about
their parents, and, as I’ve written earlier, our children are particularly
sensitive, especially to our attitude.
The next step is to become, what we call in the Son-Rise Program®,
a “happy detective,” and find out the reasons for your emotional
reactions; then you can adopt a different perspective, one that will help
you respond differently the next time your child tantrums.
Below are some of the most common reasons why we respond to

py
our children’s tantrums. Maybe you relate to all of them, maybe just a
few or one in particular. If we are to help our children decrease their use
of the tantrum, we must first change ourselves. This is not to say that
co
your child’s crying is your fault, we are not in control of our children’s
actions, but we are in control of how we respond to our children’s
actions. This is about taking control of the way we think so that we can
ew

respond with clarity and purpose when our children tantrum.

“I just want it to stop.”

vi

This is what our children are counting on. If they pick this up within
re

us they know that it is worth carrying on. Even if our children have to
cry for an hour or more, if they feel that they will get what they want,
it will be well worth it. Wouldn’t you, if at the end someone was going
to give you a $1000, would you not be happy to cry? When we want
them to stop we are more likely to give in and give them the thing that
they are crying for, thus reinforcing their belief that it works.
Our society can put pressure on us to fix a child who is crying. I
have often heard, statements such as “Where’s that child’s mother, why
is she not stopping that child from crying.” “Will somebody, anybody
stop that terrible noise that child is making.”
We ourselves just want a peaceful time. However the more we
respond to the tantrum the more un-peaceful times in the future we
will have. Helping our children now with their tantrum by being less
responsive will help them learn to use another way of communicating.
 The Tantrum Rescue 95

Next time your child cries, instead of thinking, “I Just want it to

stop”, think: My role is to help them understand that crying is not an effective
way to communicate.
Practice this new thought to yourself as your child tantrums, it will
help you stay the course and implement the techniques listed later in
this chapter.

“I feel bad because I do not know

why my child is crying.”
Why should you know? Crying is incredibly unclear, that’s why it
is helpful to show our children another way of communicating. Just
because you are their parent does not mean that you can translate their
crying. It really is ok that you do not know, it does not mean that

py
you are a bad parent. When you do not understand why your child is
crying, the most important thing is to feel calm and comfortable. It is
ok for your child to not be understood every now and then, they will
co
not die from this; they are loved, well fed, have a good home, and all
is well. They will get through this, and a good cry never hurt anyone.
When you are comfortable with not knowing why your child is
ew

crying, you will have more of your brainpower available to try and
figure out what it is they may be trying to communicate to you.
Next time when your child is crying and you do not understand
vi

a helpful thought to think would be: Even if I do not understand why my

child is crying I am still a good parent; staying comfortable with this thought,
re

will help me be available and stay calm for my child.

“I feel sorry for my child; he already has

enough challenges with his autism.”
There is no doubt that our children have to work harder than neuro-
typical children, and that they have a different set of challenges.
However, our pity will not serve them, it will not help them move
toward overcoming their challenges. Giving in to pity means that we
may see our children as less capable, and from that point of view we
will tend to give them fewer opportunities to grow. When we do not
give them opportunities, how can they show us how capable they
actually are? How can they grow? Pity can also cloud our eyes, so
when we look at our children we only see their challenges, ignoring
96 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

their strengths, and all the amazing things they can do. I am sure
that you can find examples where your child will seek out what they
want with a powerful determination. As well as examples where they
are happy in their own world, enjoying their isms/stims. When I am
teaching groups of parents I will ask them to raise their hands if they
see their children as being happy while they are isming/stimming.
Each time, most if not all parents will raise their hands indicating yes.
Indeed that is also my experience. It seems that we are emotionally
suffering more from our children’s autism than they themselves.
Next time your child cries, a change in thinking could be: Thinking
my child is weak and to be pitied will not serve them. My child is strong and
capable and can deal with not getting want he wants.

“When my child cries it means that they are unhappy.

py
My job is to help my child be happy all the time.”
It seems to make obvious sense that if a child cries it means that they
co
are unhappy. But do we really know? If our child cannot tell us how
they feel, who are we to make up how they feel? I can cry for many
different reasons, I cry when I feel happy and grateful, I cry when I
ew

am sad, I cry from relief, I like to have a good cry during a sad movie.
There are varying medical benefits to crying, it oxygenates the brain
and exercises the lungs. Do we know which one our child is doing?
vi

I am not saying that I know your child is not unhappy, I am just

proposing that until the day comes when our children can express
re

their feelings to us, we don’t know.

Most likely our children are crying because it works, to get a
response, there is no deep-seated unhappiness around it. You have
probably noticed that your child can look very forlorn and grief-
stricken while they are crying, and then the moment they get their
desired object they instantly smile, happy as a lamb. If they had been
truly unhappy, surely it would have taken them longer to get over this
powerful emotion? I have watched many a child cry, pleading with
their parents to have such and such, and while doing so checking
out their facial expressions in the mirror, making sure that their
performance is picture perfect.
When we are babies we cry to alert our parents to change our
nappies and feed us, it is the only way to communicate our needs, and
it is a communication, not an expression of emotions. As we grow older
 The Tantrum Rescue 97

we start to be able to use verbal communication to get what we want,

using crying less; but when our verbal or nonverbal communication
doesn’t work for us, we resort to our old communications of crying.
I see adults often respond to a crying toddler with: “Why are you so
mad? Or “Why are you so sad” or “What’s making you so unhappy?”
or “Baby, come here let me make it all better for you.” By doing this
we start to teach our children that not getting what they want in a
moment means that they are unhappy. We actually make that connection
for them.
As a young child, I remember having an accident in the classroom.
As I watched the puddle form on the floor beneath me, my teacher
came up to me put her arm around me and told me not to worry. She
had a very concerned look on her face, she told me numerous times
that I had done nothing wrong, that I was not to feel embarrassed or

py
upset about this as it was ok. She used the word embarrassed so many
times that I came away from the situation with the distinct feeling
that I should feel upset and embarrassed about this. I had actually felt
co
completely fine about the episode, but next time I had an accident,
I did feel embarrassed. I had been taught the appropriate emotional
reaction from a well-meaning teacher, and I had been taught well.
ew

When my niece was seven years old, she was throwing herself
on the floor, crying and yelling while informing her dad she was
not going to bed. Her dad, getting more and more frustrated at his
vi

daughter’s performance, left the room for a moment. I told my niece

that her tantrum was not going to work. She stopped, turned toward
re

me, and smiled sweetly, “Oh it will with Dad, just give me some more
time.” I love how our children will tell us the truth, and she was right,
it took her 20 minutes, but in the end her dad let her stay up another
hour.
Now it seems to me that as our children get older something
changes, at seven to ten years old they know when they are putting on
a performance. Then, as they get a little older they begin to take on
the beliefs that we and our world are selling them and they actually
start to believe that it is not ok if they do not get what they want.
By the time they are teenagers they may well start to be generally
unhappy about things not going their way, and they join the unhappy
ranks of our society of adults.
I would say that a large proportion of children using the tantrum are
not unhappy, they are just communicating that they want something.
98 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

But as I am not a mind reader, there is a real possibility that your

child may be unhappy at times. So let’s discuss that possibility a little.
Why is it so bad if your child is unhappy? Why is it not ok for them
to feel that way for a while? Our society has brainwashed us into
thinking that our job as parents is to make our children happy and
give them everything that they want. That if we do not then we are
somehow amiss. You cannot save your child from their own feelings
of discomfort that they are going to feel as they grow. Think of your
job as a parent as helping them know that they cannot necessarily
control what the world brings them; but they can choose how they are
going to feel about it. That way we are helping our children have a strong
foundation for how to be when their life gets challenging. We can do
this by modeling comfort and happiness when they are not feeling
either.

py
Our children look to us to find out how they should feel about
a situation. If they are uncertain they look to us to see if things are
ok. For me, I feel anxious when there is turbulence in an airplane.
co
When this happens I look to the people who I feel are in charge and
know about turbulence, the cabin crew. I look at their faces and try
to determine whether or not they are anxious and unhappy about the
ew

situation. If they are, I know that I am in big trouble. If they look calm
and are going about their business is in the normal way, I feel better
taking the lead from them.
vi

Our role as a parent is not to make our children happy in every

situation, but to be a supportive guide when helping them to navigate
re

life’s challenges. If your child is uncertain and possibly unhappy about

you leaving them at school, or eating a new food, or the prospect
of having their hair cut, or their inability to express their needs in
a way another person understands, your comfort and happiness is
going to be extremely important to them. When they turn to look at
you and see that you are feeling comfortable about this situation, you
communicate to them that all is well, that the situation is not as bad
as they had thought it was. You give them something to move toward,
thus helping them through a transition that will set them up for all
the upcoming transitions they will have to make in life. If you feel
uncomfortable and feel the need to save them from this situation, you
rob them of the opportunity of learning how to cope, and teach them
that “yes indeed this is something to be unhappy about.”
 The Tantrum Rescue 99

Two beliefs that will be helpful to think when you child next cries
and tantrums are:
• “I do not know how my child feels, unless he tells me with his words.”
• “If my child is unhappy then my comfort and happiness will be a great
comfort to him, and help him move through this situation.”
Changing thoughts that are unhelpful and have become beliefs,
into new, more helpful thoughts can be understood as our ongoing
program of retraining ourselves to develop new beliefs that will
support our new approach to our children. These new beliefs will help
you consistently implement the techniques below.

TECHNIQUES—WHAT TO DO WHEN
OUR CHILDREN TANTRUM
py
Next time your child tantrums do the following seven things:
co
1. Check your comfort level. This is one of the most
important things to do when our children tantrum. If we are
uncomfortable, they will know that their crying is working
ew

and that it is worthwhile carrying on. Engage one of the

new thoughts outlined above that will help you feel more
comfortable and easy when your child tantrums. This may take
vi

some time to practice and feel real, but just keep reengaging
the new thought until it becomes more familiar to you. It may
re

be helpful to write out your new thought and put it up on the

wall in your house as a reminder. Maybe on your bathroom
mirror or another place you regularly look at.
2. Slow down. When our children cry we want them to get the
message that their crying makes us act really slowly, and we
become slightly less intelligent. We always want to respond
to them showing them that we care and love them and are
interested in them, only we do it at a much slower place, I
mean a really, really slow pace. This changes the dynamic from
tantrums work, to tantrums make people slower and don’t help me get
what I want. As we move really slowly to their tantrum we
want to start moving faster to their verbal and nonverbal
communications. We will want to do that at all times, not just
100 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

around the times when they tantrum. This will give them a
very important contrast that will help them understand that if
they want something, the fastest way to get it is to use their
words or nonverbal communication. We want them to see that
the dynamics have changed. We now move very very slowly
when they tantrum, and become very fast and useful when
they communicate by using their sounds, words, and nonverbal
communication. If we do this, our children will notice! They
will shift to the more effective communication.
3. Explain. Tell them that you don’t understand them when
they cry. That you want to be helpful; it is just that you do not
know what they want. That when they cry and shout it makes
it harder for you to know what they are saying. Express this
in a calm relaxed voice, even if your child is yelling or crying
loudly.
py
4. Give reasons. [AQ] Tell them why you cannot give them the
co
thing that they are using the tantrum for. Let them know that
the food they want is not healthy for them and you want them
to feel good in their bodies so that they can be well enough
ew

to play. Or that it is the middle of the night and everyone

is sleeping and that you want them to sleep so that they are
rested for all the fun they will have the next day. Let them
vi

know that you do not have enough money to buy a new toy,
but when they get home they can play with all the toys they
re

have at home. We want them to know the reasons why we are

not giving them something so that they can see that we are
caring for and doing our best, not punishing them.
5. Show them another way to communicate. Let them know
what they could do that would help you understand. They
could use their words, or show you physically by taking you by
the hand and showing you or looking at the thing they want.
6. Give them an alternative. I would suggest you do this
when your child is crying because they want something that
either you cannot give them or do not want to give them. For
example, if your child wants another cookie, you could offer
an apple. If they want a particular stuffed animal that you do
not have, you would offer them a different stuffed animal. This
 The Tantrum Rescue 101

way we are still showing our children that we are useful and
are trying to be helpful to them. We also model to them that
even if they do not get exactly what they want, there are other
options that could be fun as well.
7. Be lovingly persistent. Keep doing all the above. [AQ] It
may take us doing these when our child tantrums a bunch
of times before they really get that we have changed the way
we respond. Don’t forget that you have been responding in
a certain way for the whole of your child’s life, it may take
them a while to realize that you have changed. Keep persisting
and showing your child that things have changed and you
are no longer responding. When they are convinced you have
changed, they will change. The time it takes to convince our
children will vary from child to child, all you have to do it

py
keep putting into practice the techniques above.
The following examples illustrate how these techniques [AQ] will play
co
out during different circumstances when our children cry and tantrum.

Example: How to respond when my child uses the

ew

tantrum to ask for something I do not want to give them

I was working with Maggie a delightful eight-year-old girl with
vi

autism. We were about 45 minutes into the session when she decides
she wants to leave the house. She goes to the front door and tries to
re

open it. Now, I want us to stay in the house so that we can have a
focused session without all the distractions and the obvious dangers
of the road and cars. So I knew that I was not going to open the front
door and let her out.
I explain to her that we were going to stay inside until our session
ended at 5pm. I let her know that she could ask her mom when she
returned to go outside, but for now we would be staying inside. I ask
her to let me know what she wanted to do outside and that I would
try and play it with her inside. Upon hearing this she starts to cry
and puts my hand on the doorknob. I first check in with my attitude
and chose to feel comfortable and easy about her using the tantrum.
I make sure that all my movements are slow, so that she can see that
her tantrum does not make me move fast but actually makes my action
slower and me a little confused.
102 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

As she was crying I explain, “I will not open the door even if you
cry. It is important that we stay inside so that we can play together and
not have to be distracted by all the cars, people and things outside.
Maybe your mom will take you out later at 5pm.” She then cries even
louder and throws herself on the floor, kicking her legs and thrusting
her arms around. As she does this she looks straight at me, watching
to see what I will do. As she does this I say to her: “Even if you throw
yourself on the floor and scream we are not going outside.” As I say
these things to her I am feeling very loving and kind toward her, I am
smiling and talking in a calm, loving voice.
She looks at me and then picks up the stool and starts to throw it
at me, I catch it easily and say to her: “Even if you throws things, the
door will stay closed and we will not be playing outside.”
After I say this, Maggie still crying goes into the bathroom and

py
turns on all the taps, rustles the shower curtain, knocks over the
garbage can and throws the toilet paper into the toilet. She then comes
out and looks at me. I say to her: “Even if you knock things over and
co
make a mess the door will remain closed and we will stay inside.”
She leaves her biggest card to last she takes off all her clothes
bangs her chest and looks at me defiantly with her hands on her hips,
ew

as if to say, “Now what are you going to do?” Again I say to her: “Even
if you take off all your clothes the door will remain closed and we will
be staying inside.”
vi

After this explanation she stops crying and with my help puts her
clothes back on. None of her usual tricks had worked on me so she
re

goes back to playing. It did not take her any time to transition from
her tantrum to playing. Once she realized that I was not moved by her
tantrum she completely stopped, and played with me as she has done
so before. Wasn’t Maggie so clever in what she chose to do to try and
get me to open the door? I often marvel our children’s intelligence and
understanding of how to motivate the people around them. That’s why
it is so important that we change how we react, instead of focusing on
changing our child’s reaction.
It may take your child some time to really believe that you will no
longer respond to their tantrums, that their tantrum will not change
the situation, but if you can be lovingly persistent with this approach
they will eventually get it. By changing in this way you will also be
teaching them something else, that: Sometimes you do not get want you
want, and that is ok.
 The Tantrum Rescue 103

Your child could use the tantrum to try and get a number of
different things you either do not have or do not want to give them. It
could be anything, such as:
• a food you do not want them to eat
• a toy that you do not want to buy for them
• a toy that you cannot find
• a walk outside, but it is raining
• a drive in the car when it is bedtime
• a trip to McDonalds or another store when you do not want
to go
• a DVD at 12 o’clock at night.

EXERCISE 7.2
py
co
In the space provided below write down what it is that your child
uses the tantrum for that you either cannot or do not want to give
them.
ew

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
vi

_________________________________________________________
re

_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
104 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

In these circumstances engage the techniques listed earlier in this

chapter. [AQ]
1. Check your attitude. Adopt a belief that is useful for you not
to give in to the tantrum, such as “I know that the thing they want
is not useful for them, I am not letting them have it because I am the
parent and can see the whole picture and am helping them by not giving
it to them” and/or “It is ok for my child to not get what they want, it
is a useful skill to teach them that they can be happy even if they do not
get what they want.”
2. Respond slowly. Lower your energy and talk and move
slowly. Remember when I say slowly I mean really really
slowly. We want to show our children that things take longer
when they tantrum.

py
3. Explain. Tell them that even if they tantrum it will not help
them get what they want. Let them know the reasons why this
co
is. If they want something in the middle of the night, let them
know that everyone is asleep and we do not want to wake
anyone up and it is the time for them to sleep. Or that you
are not giving them the food that they want because it is not
ew

healthy for them and you want them to be healthy and strong
so that they can do all the things that they love to do.
vi

4. Give them an alternative. If they wanted a food item that

was not healthy for them you could offer them a healthy item.
re

If they wanted to go to McDonalds you could write out the

McDonalds logo. If they want a certain book that you do not
have you could offer them a different book. This shows our
children that even if we cannot or do not want to give them
the exact thing they are asking for we are still trying to be
helpful to them.
5. Be lovingly persistent. You have a history with your child,
they are used to you responding to their tantrum, it may take
time for your child to believe that you have changed. They will
most likely think, oh I just have to keep crying and eventually
Mom will give me what I want. So you might find that for a
while they will start to escalate their tantrum behavior as if to
say, “Ok so you are not responding to my crying, how about
my hitting?” or “How about if I scream louder, or longer?”
 The Tantrum Rescue 105

Once you have done all the techniques above and your child is still
crying, then I would suggest that you let your child know that it is ok
with you if they continue to cry, as you know it won’t get them what
they want you are going to do something else, but they are welcome
to stay where they are and keep crying if they so choose. Then go
to a different part of the room, or a different part of the house. You
could start doing a household chore or play something by yourself
that you know your child likes. The important thing is that you take
your energy off your child, thus letting them know that their tantrum
is not working on you. Remember it is not about getting your child
to stop, but about communicating to your child that you have moved
on. You are communicating to your child that their tantrum no longer
has currency with you. You are also giving them the opportunity to
experience letting go of something they want—a valuable life lesson.

py
Example: How to respond when my child uses
co
the tantrum and I do not know why
I have often been in situations where I am working with a child who
cries for long periods of time either non-stop or off and on, and I
ew

really do not have any idea why they are crying. The example below
is of a little three-year-old named Frank, who would cry on and off for
most of the day, and shows how I used the techniques I have already
vi

outlined in this chapter to help him. [AQ]

re

1. I checked my attitude. The beliefs I engaged with were:

“This is not about stopping Frank crying it is about helping
him find another way to communicate what is going on for
him” and “Frank’s crying means nothing about me.”
2. I slowed down. The whole time I was with him I moved at
a slow and methodical pace, never rushing or moving fast—
thus showing that crying did not make me move fast.
3. I explained. I told him that I did not understand him when
he cried, but I really did want to help him.
4. I gave an alternative. I told him what he could do to help me
know what he wanted. That he could use his words, or take
me to the place where the thing he may wants is, or look at it
with his eyes.
106 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

5. I tried to be useful. When he did not let me know what

he wanted in a different way I slowly, I mean really slowly,
began to offer him things. When we move slowly we send
the message that people don’t understand the tantrum, a very
important message for our children to get! First I offered him
food, maybe he was hungry; then I offered him a drink; then
I checked to see if he needed a nappy change. When none of
these were the case, I checked to see that all was well with his
body. Maybe he had hurt himself and could not tell me. Maybe
there was something in the environment that was bothering
him. I dimmed the lights and shut off the fan, I offered him
a cold washcloth and a hot washcloth. In the end I got lucky
and he stopped crying when I gave him a hot washcloth, he
took it and started to chew on it. It took me 45 minutes of

py
slowly offering things to find out what he wanted. I then let
him know that if he had taken me to where the washcloth was
or said the word, I could have got it for him a lot quicker.
co
With the example of Frank, as with all our children who tantrum,
it is important to be lovingly persistent and to keep employing the
techniques above. [AQ] Keep slowly offering things as a way to be
ew

useful. Once you feel that you have offered as many things as you can
think of and your child has declined all of them and keeps pushing
you away while they cry, then I suggest you tell them that you have
vi

tried everything you know to be useful to them, and that you still do
not understand their crying so that you are going to do something
re

else. Tell them that you are still here to help them and that they can
come and let you know what they need by telling you or showing you
whenever they want and you will be only to glad to help them. Then
take your energy off your child by moving away. Go to a different part
of the room, or a different part of the house. Quietly begin to do a
household chore or quietly play something by yourself that you know
your child likes. The important thing is that you take your energy off
your child this may help them work through what is happening for
them. Then come back ten minutes later and start again using the
techniques I have outlined. [AQ]
Consistency is the key. Share these concepts and techniques with
all your family members. It’s like the TV quiz show The weakest link.
For our child to believe that the tantrum does not work anymore we
 The Tantrum Rescue 107

have to make sure that there are no weak links in our children’s life. It
is important that you and your partner are on the same page. If your
child’s grandparents, aunts and uncles are regularly involved in your
child’s life, then pass this information on to them. You will most likely
be able to tell who is not following your new protocol to the tantrum
as your child will most likely stop using the tantrum with everyone but
this person. So have a chat with that person, see which stage they are
having the most difficulty with and help them out a little.

NOT ALL CRYING IS A TANTRUM

When our children cry out of physical distress
Sometimes our children cry because they are feeling unwell or have
just had a minor accident like falling over and stubbing their toe.

py
Obviously, if this is the reason, we want to be as effective as we can
in helping them have more physical ease. Often there will be other
signs that help you know that this is the case. For instance they may
co
hold their head, or rub the part of the body that hurts, and want to
lie down for most of the day. Maybe you just witnessed them fall
over and bang their head, scrape their knee. If your child is a picky
ew

eater, maybe eating only two food types, or has chronic constipation
or diarrhea the chances are that he is having digestive challenges (see
chapter 12) and may cry when he is in physical distress. If this is the
vi

case they may start to cry just before they poop or afterwards, or after
they have eaten or drunk something.
re

Your comfort and ease are important to apply here as well. When
you are comfortable even with the physical distress of your child,
you have more of your brainpower available to you to be helpful and
present with what is going on for your child. It does not mean that you
are cold or indifferent to any suffering your child might be feeling.
When you panic or become uncomfortable, it becomes more about
you and less about your child. At a time like this your child needs your
loving attention; it is hard to be loving when you are unhappy. When
you are comfortable, you will be more creative and find more ways to
help your child. I know for myself when I am unwell I prefer to be
around a happy person and will move away from people who think
what is happening to me is terrible. My pity does not help my child.
108 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

Physical distress is physical only. In our society we often mistake

physical distress for mental distress or some form of unhappiness. It
is not always the case, especially for children. When children are sick
they can still engage in play and the things that interest them. It does
not stop them laughing at a funny joke or enjoying a good story. In
fact, laughter has been proven to be good medicine (REF??). [AQ] So
don’t assume that just because they do not feel well that that means
that they are unhappy.
Some beliefs to engage when your child is physically distressed
are: “My child may be in physical distress but that does not necessarily mean that
he is unhappy” and “My comfort in this situation will be the best way to take
care of and help my child.”

Techniques [AQ]
py
1. Check your attitude and engage one of the useful attitudinal
co
beliefs listed above.
2. Move slowly—have an energy that is not too loud or too fast
for your child.
ew

3. Explain to them what is going on with their bodies and how

you are going to help them. Tell that it is ok if they want to
cry, but maybe rubbing their knee, or the part of the body that
vi

hurts and taking any medication you want to give them will
help them more than crying.
re

4. Give them another way to communicate to you that they

feel unwell. You could tell them that the word for this is “sick”
or “hurt,” use this word as you rub their tummy or bandage
their knee, so that they can associate this word felling unwell.
5. Be helpful—offer different things like massages, stomach
rubs for stomachaches, head rubs for headaches; give any
medication that you feel will be helpful. All the time you are
doing any of the above explain that you are doing these things
to help them feel better.
6. Give an alternative focus—once you have done the above
give your child something else to focus their attention on. For
instance, read them their favorite book, play their favorite
 The Tantrum Rescue 109

song on the CD player, or draw them pictures you know they

will like. Or write the alphabet or any pattern your know your
child uses to sooth themselves.

Crying that appears suddenly without apparent cause

Many parents share with me that their children will cry suddenly “out
of the blue” and that they cannot see any circumstances as to what may
have caused their crying.

Stress levels
Your child may just over-stimulated and or too tired. Think about
their day. Have they been to many outside places, school, then on

py
to therapy, or swimming, a trip to the mall, etc.? Is the house full of
your relatives or friends speaking loudly? Sometimes our children will
suddenly start crying because they have reached their limit with their
co
stress levels. Crying is an expression of this overload and can be an
outlet of the stress building up in their bodies. If you consider this to
be the case, then take them to a quieter room in the house, a place with
ew

fewer outside stimulants where they can regain some sense of control
over their environment again.
vi

Inflexibility
re

Our children have autism, and a common trait amongst children with
autism is that they can be inflexible and need some patterns, routines,
and rituals to remain the same. My godchild Jade who had autistic
tendencies had a bedtime routine that needed to be executed in a
particular order. When I was babysitting her if I was to get the order
wrong, for instance turn down her bed covers before I had moved her
teddy bears, she would begin to cry and there was really nothing I
could do to soothe her. I always did my best to carry out the routine
in the way I knew she wanted it. This was my way of showing her that
I loved her, that I was user-friendly, and that I could be trusted to give
her control. But sometimes her routine changed without me knowing.
In this case I would do the following:
110 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

• Check my attitude—engage a useful belief: “Sometimes I will

break the order my child wants because I did not know and that is ok.”
• Move slowly.
• Explain to her that there must have been something that I did
out of order but that I did not do that on purpose, that if she
could tell me what it is instead of crying then I will know
better for next time.
• I would suggest that you do a home-based therapy to help
your child with their flexibility (like the Son-Rise Program®).
Here are some links to techniques that will help your child be
more flexible. [AQ]

Yes/no contrary pattern

py
This is a term I have coined for when nothing seems to satisfy our
co
children. When given exactly what they ask for they suddenly want
the opposite! For example, I was working with Mikey, a six-year-
old mid-verbal child with autism. He brought me his sock and said
“Sock on.” I celebrated him for bringing the sock to me and asking so
ew

wonderfully to put the sock on, and I immediately put his sock on. As
soon as the sock was on he asked me to take if off, which I did. We
did this a number of times and then he started to cry at the same time
vi

as telling me to take his sock off and on. This carried on for another
25 minutes before he stopped asking me and kept his sock on. I have
re

worked with numerous other children who do some version of this

yes/no contrary pattern.
We could spend a lot of time theorizing about what he really
wanted. Maybe there was a particular way he wanted me to put his
sock on that I was not doing. Maybe he really wanted me to scratch his
foot but did not have the vocabulary for it? All of these could be true. I
do feel though that, whatever the reason, it comes under the category
of our children needing some sort of control over their environment.
It is an expression of their inflexibility, which is an expression of their
autism not a tantrum. In this situation I would suggest that you give
control and do what your child is asking until they work through this
contrariness. In doing so, we show that we are user-friendly, useful
to talk to and go to when they are feeling this way. The more our
 The Tantrum Rescue 111

children come to us, the more opportunities we have to help them

with their inflexibility.

TANTRUM ACTION CHECKLIST [AQ]

• Check your comfort level when your child tantrums.
• Adopt one of the following beliefs to help you feel more
comfortable:
ºº My job is not to stop my child from using the tantrum, it is
to show them that it is not an effective way to communicate.
ºº It is ok if I do not understand why my child is crying. I
am still a good a good parent. My comfort will help me
help my child.
py
ºº My role as a parent is not to make my child happy in every
co
situation, but to be a guide, helping them through life’s
challenges.
• When my child tantrums slow down, move slowly.
ew

• Explain to your child that you do not understand their crying.

It does not help you know what they want.
vi

• Show and ask them to communicate in another way by:

ºº using their words
re

ºº using their sounds

ºº looking at the object they want
ºº taking you by the hand and showing you what they want.
• If they are using the tantrum to get something you do not
want to give them:
ºº Offer them an alternative.
ºº Explain to them that even that their tantrum will not help
them get what they want.
• Be consistent using these techniques each time your child
tantrums.
112 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

• Create consistency—teach these techniques to all the people

who care for your child.
• Not all crying is a tantrum. Your child may be crying if they
are:
ºº In physical distress—use the following techniques:
-- Check your attitude.
-- Explain what is happening with their bodies.
-- Give them another way to communicate what hurts.
-- Be helpful.
-- Give an alternative focus.

py
ºº Over-stimulated—if so, take them to a quieter place in
your house.
co
ºº Inflexible or in a yes/no contrary pattern—if so, give them
control and be user-friendly by responding to their “No’s”
and “Yeses.”
ew

A mom recently told me a story of her son Dillon, who is now seven
and after doing a home-based Son-Rise Program® for two and a half
years is in full-time school without an aide. His teacher just told her
vi

that when a boy was crying at his school he went up to his teacher
and said to her, “I don’t think he knows that crying is not a useful way
re

to get what he wants.” Dillon had been listening to his mom. What a
powerful tool his mom had taught Dillon, one that will serve him for
the rest of his life.
 Chapter 8

HITTING AND
INTENSE ENERGY

This chapter is about how to help our children when they, hit, bite,
scratch, pinch, pull hair, slap, punch, kick another person, or use any
type of physical force. In my 25 years of working with children and

py
adults, I have been hit, strangled, kicked, punched, pinched, bitten,
slapped, head butted, and scratched by little children, as well as by
co
adults who were far taller and heavier than me. I have been with a
child who continually tried to hit, bite, and scratch me for over an
hour. I have been with an adult who was much heavier and stronger
ew

than me, where I was not sure that I would be able to physically look
after myself. If you are in any of these situations and you do not know
what to do or how to handle it, know that I have been there too,
and through The Son-Rise Program® I learnt attitudes and strategies
vi

that are highly effective in helping our children learn to manage their
re

intense energy and to be gentle with others. It is these techniques that

I outline in this chapter. They are time tested and have been effective
with numerous children on the spectrum.
Just the other day I was talking to the great Mom of Ariel a lovely
five-year-old with autism. When I first met this mom her arms where
literally black and blue from bruises. Ariel had periods every day
where she would pinch and bite her mom’s arms, face, and legs. Her
mom completely changed her attitudinal perspective about why her
daughter hit her and put the techniques below into practice. Today
Ariel has not pinched or bitten her mom in over six months. Her mom
proudly sports a T-shirt exposing her bruise-free arms.

113
114 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

REFRAME WHY YOU THINK YOUR CHILD HITS

The first place to start is to reframe the way we think about why our
children might hit. Most parents and professionals describe children
as being aggressive or violent when they do the above-mentioned
behaviors. In the dictionary: Aggressive is defined as: “Characterized by or
tending toward unprovoked offensives, attacks, invasions, or the like; militantly
forward or menacing” and [AQ] violent is defined in the dictionary as:
“Extremely forceful actions that are intended to hurt people or are likely to cause
damage, using or involving force to hurt or attack.” [AQ]
I completely understand how it may feel like our children are out
to attack us and want to hurt us when they hit us. It seems to make
sense since it often does hurt! I used to think the same thing. However,
it is not our children’s intention or the purpose behind why they hit
or use physical force. They have other reasons for doing this that may

py
not be apparent to you at first glance. Remember earlier I shared that
our children do things for a reason, if we come from this perspective,
we can become a detective and look for signs that our children give
co
us before they hit that will help us know their reason. The four major
reasons our children hit us are:
ew

• They are trying to communicate something through their hitting.

Some of our children have discovered that when they hit
people, the people around them move faster and get them
what they want more quickly.
vi

• They want to see our reaction to their hitting. They want to see
re

us cry, yell, protest and tell them off.

• They have sensory challenges where hitting, biting and pinching
is actually helping them regulate their sensory system.
• They are trying to protect themselves. For some of our children
they may feel that this is the only way to get some of the
people in their lives to stop and listen to them.
All four reasons are very different from wanting to hurt us or attack
us, although of course it is totally understandable why you may have
thought otherwise. That is why in the Son-Rise Program® we do not
label this behavior as “aggressive” or “violent” we call it “intense energy.”
The label “intense energy” has none of the judgmental associations that
the word “aggressive” or “violent” has, and more accurately describes
 Hitting and Intense Energy 115

what is happening. So from this point forward I will refer to all hitting,
biting, pinching, and physical force as “intense energy.”
It may seem as if your child very suddenly “out of the blue” hits
you or someone else for no reason that you can see. Indeed, when I
first started to work with children on the autism spectrum, I believed
this too. My training has taught me how to really observe a child and
notice what is going on in their environment, their physical bodies,
and the relationship between what I did and what they did. Once I
could do this it became very apparent that not only were there clear
reasons why our children have intense energy, but also that they give
very clear signs beforehand. The great news about this is that once you
know the signs you will see them and you will never have to get hit,
scratched, kicked or bitten by your child again. You will see it coming
and be able to get out of the way.

py
Learning to observe and notice the signs is crucial, not only so
that you can get out of the way, but because they are also clues to the
reason your child hit you. Once you know the reasons then you can
co
apply the specific strategies that will help your child stop hitting and
using physical force. Each reason will have a different set of strategies
to apply.
ew

Below are four grouping checklists you can fill out to notice the
signs that our children give us that they might be about to have intense
energy.
vi

Read all four Checklists.

re

Checklist 1: Communication
Check off any of the actions below if you see your child doing them
around the time [AQ] they had intense energy.
¨¨
They pinch/hit/bite/punch right after you have told them
that they cannot have something.
¨¨
They have had having trouble making their needs understood.
Maybe they have been physically moving you around trying
to get you to do something. You were trying to help them but
you had no idea what they wanted.
¨¨
They hit you during a game. It could have been a rough-and-
tumble game, a chase or tickle game. Maybe it was even during
a singing game or a board game.
116 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

Checklist 2: Seeing your reactions

Check off any of the actions below if you see your child doing them
around the time they had intense energy.
¨¨
They look at you directly in the eye while they hit you, or
directly after.
¨¨
They smile, laugh or flap their hands excitedly a you react to
their hitting you.
¨¨
They chase you to try and hit you again.
¨¨
They seem happy and content with the consequence you gave
them.

Checklist 3: Sensory challenges

py
Check off any of the actions below if you see your child doing them
around the time they had intense energy.
co
¨¨
They were jumping up and down intensely.
¨¨
They tensed part of their bodies, for example tensing their
ew

face so much so that it may shake a little. They might clench

their jaw as they do this.
¨¨
They banged a part of their body vigorously with either their
vi

own hand or an object.

re

¨¨
They ran around the house or room with increased energy.
¨¨
They yelled sounds louder and longer than usual.
¨¨
They became more intense and faster in reciting their scripts
from movies or books.
¨¨
They urgently fired questions at you when you know they
know the answer.
¨¨
They got into a contrary pattern, where they ask for something,
then say no when you give it to them, then ask for it again
then say no when you re-offer it, and so forth.
 Hitting and Intense Energy 117

Checklist 4: Protecting themselves

Check off any of the actions below if you see your child doing them
around the time they had intense energy.
¨¨
They stopped your attempts at interacting with you. For
example, you may pick up a toy and play with it and they take
it out of your hands.
¨¨
They said or indicated “no” to your play suggestions. For
example you may have sung and they said “no” or put their
hand over your mouth. This may have happened three or four
or more times in a row.
¨¨
They moved away from your attempts to touch them or be
physically close to them.

py
Look at each which checklist has the most checked off. Then use
the techniques and strategies that correspond to that checklist. If it
is Checklist 1, read the section called “Using Intense energy as a way to
co
communicate their wants.” If it is Checklist 2, read the section called
“Using intense energy to see your reaction.” If it is Checklist 3, read the
section called “Using intense energy as a way to take care of their sensory
ew

challenges.” If it is Checklist 4, read the section called “Using intense

energy as a way to protect themselves.”
Special Note: You may find that you child has two checklists of signs—
vi

that is not unusual. We can all do things for different reasons. Let’s take
re

eating: sometimes I eat because I am hungry, other times I eat because

I want to taste the sweetness of food, like chocolate, other times I may
eat because I am sad. Our children can use intense energy for different
reasons too. For example, you may find on one occasion that your
child displays the signs in Checklist 1, so on that occasion apply those
strategies; but on another day he displays signs in Checklist 2, then on
that occasion you would apply those strategies.

Using intense energy as a way to

communicate their want
You are reading this because your child’s signs were mainly in
Checklist 1. In this case, hitting, biting, slapping, spitting, punching,
118 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

head banging, and biting can simply be your child telling you that
they want something.
Here’s are some examples. Tommy and his mom were at the toy
store. Tommy wanted to buy another Thomas the Tank Engine train,
he asked his mom, “I want train.” Knowing that he already had ten at
home, his mom said “No you have some at home.” Tommy persisted
saying, “Yes want train.” His mom said again, “No, you have enough
trains.” Then Tommy hit his mom’s arm, to which his mom said, “Ok
then,” and bought the train. Tommy’s mom bought him the train
because she wanted to avoid a “scene” in the shop, the unintentional
message she gave Tommy was that hitting is a useful way not only to
express what you want, but to get what you want.
I was watching Greg and his dad play together. They were having
a wonderful time wrestling with one another. Greg’s dad stopped

py
playing for a bit and told his son he was tired. Greg then hit his
dad on the head. His dad thought this was Greg’s way to initiate the
game again so he started wrestling with Greg again saying, “Does that
co
mean you want to play more?” Again unintentionally giving Greg the
message that hitting is a way to initiate play.
Mary was in the kitchen with her mom. She was pulling her mom
ew

by the arm indicating that she wanted something. Her mom had no idea
what she wanted. Mary was yet to be verbal so it was understandable
that her mom did not know what she wanted. Her mom was trying
vi

to be useful, and after a moment she said to her daughter, “I don’t

know what you want, honey,” and went to sit down. Mary came to her
re

mom and started to pinch her, to which her mom said, “Ok, Ok, Ok.”
Thinking that Mary’s pinching was a sign of distress, she got up and
started in an urgent way to offer her things. Eventually she found out
that Mary wanted some ice cubes. Here the unintentional message was
I will try harder and faster for you when you pinch me.
Often when children use intense energy the adults around them
will move faster and try to “understand” more. Parents tell me that they
move faster and give their children the things that they want so that
their child will stop hitting them and to avoid a “meltdown.” I can see
why you would want that; however, the opposite happens. It actually
teaches our children to hit more. Our child may begin to think: “Ok
so the way to get more of what I want, is to hit then everyone tries to
understand me more and gets me what I want faster.” For our children
who find communicating challenging you can understand them
 Hitting and Intense Energy 119

making this connection and using it. Not in a naughty or manipulative

way, but simply as a form of communication.
If this is the case for your child below are some strategies you can
use to help your child learn to communicate in a different way.
• Think the following thoughts:
ºº My child is clever! He is trying to get what he wants by the
quickest route possible.
ºº He is not trying to hurt me.
• Move slowly and explain that you do not understand hitting.
This is very important. Right now our children have the
message that when they use intense energy the people around
them move fast. Thus hitting is a useful thing for them. If we

py
reversed that and gave them the message that it actually makes
people respond really slowly, then it would not be useful for
co
them to use. This means that when your child hits you, you
don’t move quickly to try and understand what they want.
In fact I would suggest that you tell them in a slow and calm
way that you do not understand what their hitting means.
ew

Directly teaching them that hitting it is not a communication

that you understand. We want to show our children that any
form of intense energy will not help them get what they want
vi

anymore. In fact it makes people move slower and they even

become slightly confused.
re

In the example of Tommy wanting the train in the shop,

when he hit his mom, she could have said, ‘Tommy, I do not
understand what you mean when you hit me,” and put the train back
on the shelf.” Then she would have stood up and looked very
confused.
In the example of Greg hitting his father to get him to
play the game again. Greg’s dad would have said, “I do not
understand what you mean when you hit.” He would have stayed
resting for a while, instead of immediately jumping into action
when his son hit him.
For example if this strategy was used in the example of
Mary pinching her mom. Mary’s mom would have said, “Mary,
I do not understand what you mean when you hit me.” She
120 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

would have stayed sitting instead of jumping up and trying to

find out what Mary wanted.
• Make hitting completely ineffective.
This is very important! You want to help your child understand
that intense energy of any kind will not get them what they
want. In the example we have talked about with Tommy
hitting so that his mom would buy him a train, it is really
important that we do not buy that train. Even if you were
going to buy the train, don’t. Not buying it sends the message
that hitting is not an effective way to get what you want. This
is a very important skill to teach your child, one that will serve
them socially in the years to come.
• Move out of the way.

py
Now that you know that your child hits as a way to get want
they want. If they want something to which the answer is “no,”
co
do the following:
ºº Know that he may hit you.
ew

ºº Step out of the way, so he cannot reach you with his hands.
If your child is small stand up, so they can’t hit your face
or pull your hair.
vi

ºº If your child is an adult or bigger than you, always have

a big therapy ball or a big cushion available that you can
re

put between you and your child to protect yourself. For

example, I was working with a 13-year-old boy who
would use intense energy when we told him that he could
not have something he wanted. We had a big therapy
ball. When he asked for something that I knew I did not
have or could not provide for him, I would slowly and
calmly walk over and get behind the therapy ball before I
explained why I could not get it for him. That way if he
decided to hit me, I could put the ball in front of me so
that he could not reach me. But hit the ball instead.
 Hitting and Intense Energy 121

• Offer an alternative.
Once you have moved out of the way, and explained why you
cannot give your child what they wanted, offer an alternative.
For example, if they wanted a cookie, offer a food you do
want to give them. If they wanted the yellow car, offer them a
different car or toy. If they want to go outside, you could draw
them a picture of outside instead, and let them know what
time they could or will be going outside. This way we are
communicating to them, that hitting will not get them what
they want, and that we are trying to be useful to them.
• Move fast to other forms of communication.
This is so so important. While we respond slowly to our
children’s hitting, we want to respond fast to a form of

py
communication that we want them to continue to use. So we
are highlighting a form of communication that does make us
co
move fast and does help them get what they want. If we do this
for what we want at the same time as responding slowly to
hitting and letting them know we don’t understand that, they
will start to use the other form of communication.
ew

So let’s make a conscious decision to respond quickly and

fast to all our children’s verbal and nonverbal communication,
when they take you by the hand, point, make sounds, or talk
vi

to you. You may think, “Well of course I do that already.”

However, if our children are hitting to communicate their
re

wants it means that we are not responding fast enough to their

other forms of communications. This can be understandable
as you often have a lot to do. You have household chores, job
responsibilities, your other children, phone call, text, emails,
etc. There is often so much going on that their communications
can at times go unnoticed. This, however, is something we can
easily change by having the intention to focus on their other
forms of communication more.
This means that next time you are on the phone and your
child comes over to you and starts talking to you, respond
straight away to their verbal communication. If you and your
husband are talking in the kitchen and your child comes in
and asks for something, respond straight away to that request.
122 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

Showing your child that their verbal communication is the

quicker way to get what they want.
For those of you who have children who are yet to be
verbal, maybe they have a few words or sounds that they
make. That is ok. Make an intention to respond with an action
as much as you can to the sounds that your child is making.
You can do this even if you do not understand what your child
wants. For example, when your child says a sound, maybe an
“eee” sound, do the following:
ºº Jump up and say, “That was a great sound.”
ºº Put an action to the sound, make it into a word, you could
get them some food, or a toy, or sing them a song.
ºº Once you do that you could say, “I got you that because you

py
made the ‘eee’ sound,” highlightingwhy you responded in
that way.
co
If your child indicates needs or wants through moving you
by the hand or arms, be super-responsive to this, moving
wherever your child is pulling you. As soon as they move you,
ew

move with them and celebrate them for letting you know what
they wanted by moving you in this way. This lets them know
that this is a great way to communicate with you and more
vi

effective that hitting.

If you do the two techniques with your yet-to-be-verbal
re

child over the same timeframe, he will get it.

• Celebrate when your children are gentle.
When our children are being gentle with us, let’s celebrate
them. Tell them specifically how we love their gentle touch.
You could say something like: “I love that you are holding my
hand so nicely” or “Thank you for that lovely gentle hug.” Let
our children know that we really enjoy it when they interact
with us in a gentle way. There are most likely so many times
during the day when our children do interact with us in a
gentle way, let’s highlight these to our children by joyfully
celebrating them. Through our celebration we are showing our
children that being gentle is the way to interact with people.
 Hitting and Intense Energy 123

• Be persistent and consistent.

You may already have a history of moving fast when your child
hits you, so it may take a little time for your child to realize
that this is no longer the way you are going to respond. Keep
responding in the way outlined above until they understand
this concept. As you do this, know that I am rooting for you,
you can do this! Your child is clever, and once it is no longer
effective in their lives they will stop. Each time you show your
child that his hitting is not an effective way to communicate,
know that you are one step closer to your child changing this.

Using intense energy to see your reaction

You are reading this because your child’s signs were primarily in

py
Checklist 2, which means that your child is most likely hitting you as a
button push. As we talked about in chapter 6, they are hitting you just
co
to see your reaction. They want to hear you say that you “hurt them”
or watch your face turn red or you raise your voice. They are interested
in your reaction to their hitting not the hitting itself.
For example, I was working with a ten-year-old boy with high-
ew

functioning autism who loved to watch people’s reactions to things.

He picked up a play hammer and lifted it up over my head, put on a
very intense and grave expression on his face as if he was going to hit
vi

me very hard. I already knew that he was doing this so that he could
watch my reaction, as I had had a lot of experience with him and
re

knew that he did such things as a button push. So I completely relaxed

my body, did not flinch or move away from him and kept on smiling.
When he did not get the reaction he wanted he just said, “Oh,” and
put the hammer down.
I was working with an 18-year-old young man with Asperger’s,
who, after slapping my face, was somewhat mystified when I did not
yell at him or lecture him, but had a very calm response to him hitting
me. He looked intently into my eyes and said, “But I just slapped you.
Should you not be calling someone to come and help you with me?”
I replied that I was hoping we could carry on looking at his Pokémon
cards. He stared at me a little longer, shrugged his shoulders, and we
carried on looking at his cards together. He never slapped me again.
This young man was used to people giving him a big reaction and
124 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

having people come hold him down and put him in timeout at school.
He thought it would be the same with me. When he saw that it was
different, that I was not going to react in the same way, he had no
reason to hit me again.
Our children may hit/pinch/spit to get a reaction from the adults
around them. Because this is a time when the adults around get lively
and interesting and pay attention. For instance, when our children are
playing quietly in the living room either by themselves or with their
siblings, we may be in the same room as them reading the newspaper
or doing something else, paying no attention. But when someone gets
hit/pinched, etc., we start to pay a lot of attention to the person who
is doing the hitting. We may do one of the following:
• Raise our voices, shout and yell.
•
• py
Talk in a high-pitched squeaky voice.
Put on grave interesting facile expressions.
co
• Wave our arms and hands around.
• Wag a finger in front of our ‘ face.
ew

• Turn bright red in anger and frustration.

Suddenly things have got a lot more interesting!
If our child is using intense energy to see your “interesting”
vi

reaction apply the strategies below:

re

• Change your reaction

Change it to a non-reaction, as if your child had never hit you.
ºº If you were smiling at the time they hit you, keep smiling.
ºº If you had a straight face, keep that straight face.
ºº If you were cooking or doing another household chore,
keep on with that activity.
This is one rare time when I suggest that you do not go into a
long explanation about how it is good to be gentle etc. It is my
experience that if your child is using intense energy for this
reason, it is the long explanation that they want. Instead tell
them just once as loving and as calmly as you can, “ I would
 Hitting and Intense Energy 125

love it if you were gentle with me” or “If you are trying to
tell me something, I can’t really understand what it is from
you hitting/biting/kicking me.” Then carry on with what you
were doing. This way we acknowledge what just happened
and what we want without making it the “major event” they
are looking for.
• Give big and fun reactions to your child when they are being
gentle.
We know our children are using intense energy to get a reaction
from us. So now let’s give them a big reaction when they are
being gentle with us. The more we react to their loving, gentle
interaction, the more they will do this instead of hitting us.
When your child is being is gentle, holding your hand

py
or hugging you, give big and fun reactions. I don’t mean just
say thank you for being gentle. That is nice, but add a little
spice to it so that when your child wants to get your attention
co
and see you react in a fun way they may just touch you gently
instead of hitting you. You could:
ºº Sing while you are celebrating them.
ew

ºº Wave your arms in the air as you celebrate.

ºº Jump up and down as you celebrate them.
vi

ºº Celebrate them using a funny character voice.

re

ºº Turn into an animal.

ºº Use big animated expressions.
The idea is to give your child a big reaction for the behavior
you want them to do more of. The bigger! The funnier! The
better!

Using intense energy as a way to take

care of their sensory challenges
You are reading this because your child’s signs were primarily in
Checklist 3, which means your child’s intense energy is most likely
them trying to regulate their sensory systems. We know that children’s
126 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

sensory systems can be very challenged. They may have energy that
is building up inside them that they do not know how to successfully
release. Children with autism create unique and interesting ways to
relieve the build-up of energy and regulate their sensory systems. You
may see them bang certain parts of their body, or seek pressure on
their feet and hands by jumping up and down or banging their hands
on the floor or table. Often a child will dig their chin strongly into my
shoulder or hands. These and others are all actions our children take
to try and take care of their sensory system. Also the action of biting,
squeezing, or pinching actually allows them to release this energy,
helping them organize themselves physically.

EXERCISE 8.1

py
The exercise below is for you to experience how, squeezing, biting,
pinching can release pressure building up in the body.
co
• Clasp your hands together and really squeeze them, again
not half-heartedly but will all your might.
ºº Do this three times, each time lasting at least 20
seconds.
ew

ºº Take a moment to write down how that felt. Did it release

tension in your body? Did it give a strong sensation to
you hands?
vi

• Hold a cushion from your couch and hug it close to you as

re

hard as you can for 30 seconds?

ºº How did that feel?
• Find an object like a bouncy ball or a washcloth soaked in
water.
ºº Really bite into it. Yes I do mean that. Sink your teeth
into it with all your might.
ºº Do this three times, each time lasting at least 20
seconds.
ºº Now reflect on how that felt. How does your jaw feel
now, was it a strong sensation? Did it release pressure
on your jaw?
 Hitting and Intense Energy 127

What I feel when doing this exercise and what people report is a release
of any built-up tension. It feels good to do this! And is helpful for
the body. Our children are doing this for the same reasons. However,
their need to release energy from their bodies is far greater than ours.
Our children are just using our bodies as a way to help themselves.
The trick here is to help our child use something other than another
person to release their energies. If your child is using intense energy
for this reason, use the strategies outlined below:
• Think the following thoughts:
ºº My child is hitting me in an attempt to take care of their
sensory system.
ºº Their actions are not connected to their love of me, or
their respect towards me.

py
ºº I can help my child by giving them more sensory input to
help them balance their bodies.
co
These thoughts will help prepare you to respond in a peaceful,
calm and loving way.
ew

• Squeeze them.
If they are banging their head on you, offer to squeeze their
head. If they are pinching you, offer to squeeze their hands. If
vi

they are biting you, offer pressure on their jawline. If they are
kicking you, offer to squeeze their foot or tap on the bottoms
re

of their feet. You want to offer pressure to the part of the body
that they are trying to stimulate.
• Give them an explanation.
Let them know that they do not have to hit, pinch, or head
butt you when they feel a build-up in their bodies. That you
would be happy to squeeze them whenever they want it. Tell
them to give you their hands, arms, or feet when they want
a squeeze, and that you would be happy to help them. For
example, you could say something like, “You do not have to hit
me, if you want some pressure on your hands, I can help you
by squeezing your hands. Next time your hands feel like this
give them to me and I will squeeze them for you.”
128 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

• Give them the sensory stimulation throughout the day.

The idea here is to give them the sensory input that they are
seeking throughout the day, so that it does not build-up to a
moment when they will seek it from by using intense energy.
I would suggest that you initiate the following activities at
least three times a day. As you initiate each of the activity it is
important that you use the Control Protocol we talked about
in chapter 1. Each time you go to give your child sensory
stimulation, let them see you coming, explain what you are
going to do, and look for permission to begin. Remember, it is
more important to respect your child’s indication of “no” than
it is to give them sensory stimulation. If they feel that they
have control, they will be more likely to open up and let you
give them the stimulation they are seeking.

py
ºº Initiate strongly squeezing your child’s hands, feet, or
head.
co
ºº Initiate a bear hug, you sitting behind your child and
wrapping your arms and legs around your child so that
you can give them a really big body squeeze.
ew

ºº Initiate rolling them up in a blanket like a hot dog,

wrapping them up tightly in the blanket and then rolling
vi

them out of it.

ºº Initiate rolling a big therapy ball over your child. This is
re

a useful way to give a “bear hug” to a bigger or older

child. As you roll the therapy ball over your child, put
your body weight into the ball so your child gets a really
strong sensation.
ºº Initiate encouraging your child to jump on a trampoline.
ºº For an older child, 14 and above, I would suggest that
you make sure that they get a lot of exercise, such as
swimming, jogging/running/long brisk walks, jumping
on a big trampoline, something where they really exert
themselves. Do this at least three times a week.
You can experiment with any of the above suggestions. Pick
one that you think your child will enjoy the most. While doing
 Hitting and Intense Energy 129

the first four suggestions, experiment with the intensity in

which you offer the pressure of the bear hug, squeeze, or roll
of the therapy ball. Slowly increase the pressure while looking
to make sure that your child is enjoying it. My experience is
that children who are using intense energy because of their
sensory needs will like very deep pressure, stronger than you
might think.

Using intense energy as a way to protect themselves

You are reading this because your child’s signs were mainly in Checklist
4, which most likely means that they are using intense energy as a
way to protect themselves in some way. Most children on the autism
spectrum have difficulty communicating their wants and desires to

py
us neuro-typical people. Sometimes hitting and punching is the last
resort our children use to gain much-needed control in their lives.
For example, I watched a very wonderful and dedicated mother
co
play with her four-year-old daughter named Ellie, who has Asperger’s.
Ellie was playing on the top of a slide with a collection of stuffed
animals. She was very intently and exclusively talking to each of the
ew

animals and creating a story where the animals were bathing in a river.
She was paying no attention to her mom only to her story and the
stuffed animals. Her mom, wanting to get her child’s attention, kept
vi

trying to get in on the action. First, she moved really close to her
daughter and said, “Hey, Ellie, look I have a lovely duck, hey look,
re

look the duck is so lovely.” Ellie did not respond but kept playing on
her own. Then trying harder to get Ellie’s attention, she picked up
one of the stuffed dogs and moved it slightly making a “woof ” sound.
Ellie took the dog and placed it again where it had been previously,
all without looking at her mother. This mom loved her daughter and
was willing to keep trying to get her child to play with her. Then she
picked up the dog a second time and put it on Ellie’s head, Ellie took
it off and put it down where it had originally been, without saying a
word. Her mom again picked it up and slid it playfully down the slide,
at which her daughter looked at her, said “No,” picked up the dog,
and put it where it had been. Her mom again picked up the dog and
pretended that it was licking Ellie’s face. Ellie pushed it away from her
face and said “No.” Then her mom rocked the dog in her own arms,
saying, “Oh this dog is so happy it wants to lick your feet.” Ellie said
130 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

“No,” and moved her feet underneath her so that her mom was unable
to reach them. She then took the dog away from her mom and put it
in its original place amongst the other stuffed animals. Her mom again
picked up the dog and made the dog tickle Ellie’s armpit. Ellie took
the dog away from her mom and pinched her mom’s arm.
At that point her mom moved away from her daughter looking a
little dejected and stopped moving Ellie’s animals.
Later, when Ellie’s mom and I were discussing the session, she said
to me, “I am so glad that you saw that. I don’t understand why she pinched
me—it came right out of the blue.”
We often cannot see that we are actually getting in the way of
our children’s need to create an ordered, predictable, and controllable
world, or that we are not responding to our children’s already very clear
communication. Ellie’s mom sincerely did not mean to be controlling

py
or go against her child, she was just so eager to interact and become
part of her world that this was all she could focus on as she played
with her daughter. I am sure we can all relate to that. Remember that
co
it is very important for our children to feel a sense of safety in a world
that can be very confusing for them. When this world is repeatedly
interrupted by others who are unintentionally trying to stop them
ew

from doing what they want, our children may feel a need to go to all
measures to defend their own wellbeing.
vi

EXERCISE 8.2
re

To gain a clearer understanding of what is happening just before

your child uses intense energy, it will be useful for you to videotape
yourself playing with your child. This way you will get to see how you
may be unintentionally not giving your child control as you interact
and play with them. The idea is to catch a moment on videotape
when your child has intense energy so that you could see what
happened just before it. Set-up a video camera in the room where
you interact the most with your child. No need to have performance
anxiety as nobody will watch it but you. When you are about to
spend a few moments of one-on-one time with your child, switch it
on. No need for someone else to videotape, just pop it on top of the
TV or shelf where your child cannot reach it. If you do this enough
times, you are bound to catch a moment when your child is using
intense energy.
 Hitting and Intense Energy 131

• Watch that piece of videotape and look to see if there were

any moments when your child indicated that they wanted
you to stop, or not do something, and at the time you did not
realize so you did not respond to their “No.”
• Were you trying to stop them from doing their stims/isms?
• Were you sitting close to them? Maybe so close that you
were touching in some way, or sitting right beside them.
As you watch the tape, try to be as compassionate as you can to
yourself. You are doing the very best you can, trying to love and
help your child who responds very differently than most children.
Be excited if you see yourself doing any of the above actions. This
is exciting because it will let you know what you can change that
will help you and your child have more gentle interactions with one
another. You giving her more control, and your child being more
physically gentle with you. There is nothing but good news here.

py
co
If this exercise reveals the reason why your child hits then apply the
following strategies when you play with your child.
• Think the following thoughts.
ew

ºº My child is doing the best they can to take care of

themselves, they are not being bad or mean.
vi

ºº I am doing the best I can to help and interact with my

child.
re

• Listen and respond.

Sometimes we can be so focused on “getting” our children to
interact with us that we do not focus our attention on listening
to what they are already communicating. Shifting your focus
to listening and responding to your child will help you see the
communications that your child is already giving you, and will
help your child not use intense energy as a way to get you to
listen. You can do this by paying attention to, any movement
they might make in response to your initiation. For instance:
ºº Notice if they move away from you if you move toward
them.
132 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

ºº Notice if they move or take away an object just after you

touched it.
ºº Notice if they say “No” or “Yes” to something you initiated.
Once you see these communications you can then respond to
them, thus giving your children the control they crave. By
doing the following:
ºº If your child moves away from you as you move closer,
take note and do not move toward them again. You could
even tell them, “I noticed you moved away when I moved
closer, I will just stay here for now.”
ºº If you noticed that they move or take away any toys you
try to touch, stop touching or moving their toys. You could

py
tell them, “I see you do not want me to touch your toys,
that’s ok I will not touch them again. I shall go and get my
own collection of toys to play with.”
co
ºº If you noticed that they indicated “No” to you, you could
say to them, “Thanks for saying no, I will not do that
anymore.”
ew

These are all ways that will help you be more responsive to
your child’s indications. That way they will not have to use
vi

intense energy to seek the control they want over their play
or environment.
re

One additional reason—over-medication

What I share here comes from my experience working with thousands
of children and their families. I am not a medical professional (and
therefore recommend that any decisions that you make regarding your
child’s health are only done in conjunction with your physician), but
I want to acknowledge that we live in a world where medication is
freely and widely given for a variety of different ailments. You only
have to switch your TV on to see many ads for medications. Even
just ten years ago this was not the case. I have worked with a few
families whose children were experiencing a lot of intense energy,
having long outbursts of screaming, hitting, biting, not only other
people but themselves. These children also had been on three to five
 Hitting and Intense Energy 133

different medications for a long period of time—up to 5 years. Once

these children were weaned off some of these medications with the
help of their doctors, their bouts of intense energy disappeared—I do
not feel that this was a coincidence. If you feel that your child may be
using intense energy because they are over-medicated, I suggest you
consult with your doctor about weaning your child off some of their
medications.

ADDITIONAL TECHNIQUES FOR A TEENAGER OR ADULT

Everything that I have talked about in this chapter applies to an older
child, a teenage or an adult. Below I have added a few more techniques
just for the older bigger child. Some of you may have children who
are a foot taller than you, or up to 100 pounds heavier than you. I

py
have spoken to parents who deeply love their children and at the same
time can at moments feel scared for their own physical safety. The
techniques below will help you take of yourself and your children.
co
You will need to experiment with the techniques below; any one of
them may work, so you will want to find out which one, or which
combination, is the most useful for your child and situation.
ew

Create ways to be safe

vi

The first place to start is it to set-up your environment so that you

can protect yourself physically when your child has intense energy.
re

Once you feel like you can create a safe place for yourself and protect
yourself, it will help you to relax. Feeling relaxed around your child
again is something I know you want, and you can have that again.
Below are things you can do to help you feel more confident that you
can take care of yourself physically.
• Since you know your child may use intense energy, be prepared.
Get a barrier you can put between you and your child so that
you can protect yourself from being hit. This could be a big
therapy ball, a big cushion, crash matt, or mattress. Have these
readily available in the room you and your child most frequent.
When you see the signs that your child gives that mean that
they are likely to have intense energy, move calmly over to
where your big therapy ball, cushion, or mattress is and put
134 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

it between you and your child. That way if your child comes
over to hit you, you can put it up so that you do not get hit.
• Try to remove your attention. When your child starts to
show signs of intense energy try to take your attention off
your child by going to the other side of the room and start to
do something else, like reading a book. If possible, leave the
room. Sometimes it helps our children if we leave them alone
for a little while to work out their intense energy. This was
very effective for Olivia.
Olivia, a 16-year-old with autism, was bigger and heavier
than me and would have numerous periods of intense energy
throughout the day. When she started to show signs of having
intense energy, whoever was working with her at that time
would leave the room she was in for a while until she worked

py
herself through it. We found that our talking to her and trying
to interact with her would only escalate her intense energy.
co
When we left for a while it was easier for her to work through
it, and nobody got hurt. We would leave very quietly and say
as respectfully as we could that it seemed she could do with
some time alone and that we would be back soon. When she
ew

relaxed we would return. This is just another version of getting

out of the way.
vi

• If you have a child who might follow you around the house
and use intense energy, find a room in the house where you can
re

go to protect yourself. Think of a place in your house where

you can go where your child cannot follow you. Think of a
room that you can go into and lock yourself in from the inside.
A bathroom can be a great place for this. When your child
shows the signs that they are about to have intense energy, get
up calmly and let your child know that you are going to go to
the bathroom. Stay there until you feel your child has worked
through their intense energy.
This worked extremely well with Keith, who was 33
years old and would sometimes follow his mom when he had
intense energy. She would go into the bathroom at the first
sign that he might be getting intense energy. She reported
that it worked really well for her. Before she started to use
this strategy he would hit her up to five times a day. Once she
 Hitting and Intense Energy 135

applied this strategy he would follow her only once a day to

the bathroom and bang on the door demanding that she came
out. When this happened, his mom would explain to him that
she would not come out because she could see that he was
having intense energy and did not want to get hit. She would
suggest to him that he could go and jump on the trampoline
in the living room to get his excess energy out. After a couple
of weeks of doing this Keith stopped hitting his mom or
following her. She reported that being able to leave and go to
the bathroom and protect herself, was something that she had
never considered doing. Now she had “permission” to do that,
so she no longer felt “hopeless or scared” of her son, because
she knew that no matter what she could take care of herself.

Say “Stop” and redirect

py
After doing the exercise earlier in this chapter you will know the signs
co
that your child gives when he is about to use intense energy. Once
you see these signs and your child is moving toward you with intense
energy, find a strong place inside of yourself and, while putting your
ew

hand out in front of you like a policeman directing traffic, say in a

strong, firm voice “Stop” to your child. I am not talking about saying
“Stop” in an angry way or screaming it, but being like a force of nature.
vi

To find a strong loving place inside of ourselves that lets them know
that we do not want them to hit us or be intense with us. We want to
re

focus this strong energy in their direction so that it “jolts” them, so that
they can clearly hear what you want them to do.
Once you have firmly and with great conviction said “Stop”,
immediately redirect your child to use his intense energy in another
way. Do this in the same strong and firm way. You could:
• Point to the trampoline and tell him to jump on it.
• Point to a crash mat or a big cushion and tell him to throw his
body into that.
• Guide him into doing 10 jumping jacks.
The two examples below show what the above techniques look like
in action.
136 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

I worked with Tim, a 21-year-old young man who had a vocabulary

of about 50 words and would get people into headlocks and punch
the side of their bodies. He was much bigger and stronger than me,
so I could not afford to get into this position for long. His eyes would
start to glaze over and he would start pacing and banging his sides
into the walls. I applied the above techniques.
• When I saw the signs that he was about to have intense energy,
I moved away from him.
• I put my big therapy ball in front of me.
• When he started to move toward me, I put out my hand and
very loudly and firmly said, “Stop.”
• He stopped every time.
•
py
I immediately redirected him to jump on the trampoline so
that he could get his excess energy out.
co
All the people who cared for Tim did this. By the end of two weeks,
instead of using intense energy on us, he would go straight to the
trampoline to jump.
ew

George was a 22-year-old man with autism, six foot three and
around 260 lbs. He liked to dress up in suits and ties and look at
himself in the mirror while acting out scenes from the movie Men in
vi

Black, which he loved. This was a wonderful sight to behold. George,

however, had no idea of his strength. He would try to jump on our
re

backs for a piggy-back ride, or, as part of acting out a scene would
attempt to do a “judo drop” on us as they did to each other in the
Men in Black movie. He was not trying to hurt us, but he did, as he
was so big and strong. As a way to protect ourselves we employed the
techniques listed above by:
• Putting out our hands and saying “Stop” when we saw the
signs that he was about to do a “judo drop” on us or get on
our backs.
• Re-directing him by providing something else for him to jump
onto and “judo drop.” We brought in a standing punching bag,
and modeled how he could jump onto that instead of us and
do “judo drops” on it. We did this by actually jumping on the
punching bag ourselves and doing a “judo drop” on it.
 Hitting and Intense Energy 137

After three full days of modeling this for him, he understood what
we were asking him to do. On the fourth day he would start to come
to us, we would say “Stop,” offer the punching bag, and he would go
with it. By the fifth day he was jumping on the standing punching bag
without having to be redirected.

A note about diet

Think about your older child’s diet. Something that they are eating
could be triggering their intense energy. As our children grow older
and get bigger they can consume bigger quantities of sugar, additives,
soda, and processed foods. All of these can contribute to our children’s
intense energy. I worked with a mom whose son Patrick was 22 years
old and was in a care facility because his intense outbursts meant that

py
she could no longer have him at home. She consulted with me during
this period because she wanted to find a way to bring him back home.
The first place we started was to change his diet. Luckily, the place
co
he was staying at respected this mom’s wishes and let her provide all
his meals and snacks. She completely cut out all sugar, dairy products,
soda, and all sugary/caffeinated drinks. In fact the only drink he
ew

was provided with was water. Changing his diet in this way changed
everything for him. He was home within the month. Read chapter 12
for more ideas on how to change your child’s diet.
vi

Another thought on food is when your child becomes a teenager

their bodies are changing and their need for food increases. Ask
re

yourself whether you are giving your child enough food? Maybe your
child is getting “too hungry,” which could create feelings of agitation
within their bodies that they may not recognize as hunger.

TROUBLESHOOTING
My child bangs his head on the wall, so much so that he often has bruises on his
head. What do I do?
I have worked with numerous children and adults who bang their
heads. To get an understanding of what it feels like to bang your head
I have done this myself, on the wall and the floor. The interesting
thing I found out that it does not really hurt. Our children are very
careful to bang their head in the strongest part, which is the front of
138 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

the forehead, or the sides of the head, thus creating a strong sensation
but no pain. I once worked with a lovely four-year-old, who would
often bang his head. During my work with him, he would rush over
to me, check for my hip bone, then my knee bone, and bang his head
in the softest part of my thigh. He was not silly, he did not want to
hurt himself. I have watched a seven-year-old boy accidently bang his
head on the side of a table, clearly hurting himself (not badly). After
having hurt himself he made sure that he never banged his head in
that place again.
Our children are very smart. They are not trying to hurt themselves.
Head banging can look very painful to us, but remember our children’s
brains are wired differently to us, what you feel as painful may not
feel painful to them. If we adopt the belief that there is a reason why
your child is head banging, then we can observe him more clearly

py
looking for signs as to why he may be doing it. If we believe that is it
is harmful for him, then our immediate response is just to stop it. I am
sure you have tried this and he still continues.
co
When a child head bangs it could be that they want/need pressure
on their head. To learn more about this and strategies to help your
child read the section of this chapter called “Using intense energy as a
ew

way to take care of their sensory challenges.”

He could also be banging his head as a way to communicate
something to you. The way you would know this is if he banged
vi

his head after you had just said he could not have something. For a
fuller understanding of this and how to help your child if he is head
re

banging for this reason, please read the section of this chapter called,
“Using intense energy as a way to communicate their wants.” I wish you well
in helping your child with this.

My child with autism will hit his 18-month-old baby sister. I think he is doing
it to get a reaction out of me, but I cannot just ignore it. What should I do?
The important thing to do here is to take care of your 18-month-old
and not give a big reaction to your son with autism. Typically, the
child who hits gets either a lecture or time in “timeout” and a lot of
attention for hitting. I suggest changing that dynamic by using the
following strategy:
• Pick up your 18-month-old, ignoring your son with autism,
and quietly leave the room.
 Hitting and Intense Energy 139

• Do not talk to your special child about how it is important

not to hit his sister, as I am sure you have already told him
this many time. Talking to him about this at the time may be
giving him the attention he is seeking.
• Make no other big issue of the situation.
• Give him the attention he is seeking when he is playing gently
with his sister. At a time when your son and daughter are
playing or co-operating peacefully together, go to your son,
and give him a big celebration and stay and play with him a
little. Show him that being gentle with his sister is the way to
get attention and a reaction out of you.
This strategy worked beautifully with Wayne. Wayne was eight and
had been hitting his younger sibling for three years. His parents had

py
tried everything but nothing had worked. When they first started
doing consultations with me I suggested the above strategy. On only
co
the second time his parents implemented the strategy, he said to his
parents, “Ok I will not hit anymore, I don’t want you all to leave the
room.” It was all about the attention he got after hitting his siblings
not the actual act of hitting. Within two days of implementing these
ew

techniques this child completely stopped hitting his sibling

Another important consideration is that usually there is only a
limited period of time that we can leave our special children and our
vi

typical children alone together in harmony. If we leave them too long,

either our special child just takes something that our typical children
re

want, or our typical children don’t respect or see our special children’s
attempts to say “no”. Then things can get fraught between them. When
I would babysit my special goddaughter and her brother, I knew that
I could only leave them alone for seven minutes max to do something
like start to cook dinner or put on the laundry. This was because my
goddaughter’s brother, who was so super-friendly would get too close
to his sister and unintentionally disrupt her play. If I had to focus my
attention on something else, I made sure I put my focus back on the
both of them within the seven-minute timeframe. This really helped
and reduced any squabbling that would otherwise have taken place. I
tried to keep her little brother with me as much as I could. He loved
helping me cook. As my goddaughter became more flexible and less
controlling, the timeframe they could be left alone together grew.
140 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

It’s time to become a detective again and find out what your
children’s timeframe is. For now I would suggest not leaving them
unsupervised alone in a room together for longer that this timeframe.

How can I not react when my child bites me—it hurts?

I will pass on to you here what my teacher, Bryn Hogan, Executive
Director of the Son-Rise Program®, taught me when I asked her the
very same question: “If you don’t want to get hit again don’t react.”
This very simple sentence has helped me though countless episodes
of intense energy. If your child bites you, maybe you cannot stop it
from hurting but you can stop yourself form yelling about it, just as
you do at the doctor’s or the dentist’s. When you are undergoing a
painful procedure most of you will “suck it up” and keep quiet. It’s no
different here.

py
My child really likes to play with my hair, which also includes pulling it.
co
Lots of our children are interested in playing with hair. It is a fun
sensory activity. If you have a child who finds your hair irresistible
and is not always gentle, then I would encourage you to not make it
ew

available for your child. You can put your hair up in a ponytail or a
bun. I work with one lovely mom who wears a swimming cap when
she is playing with her daughter. I know that might sound like a
vi

dramatic step, but she says it has completely changed her relationship
with her child as she is no longer afraid that her child will pull her hair
re

and can now easily and happily interact with her daughter.
Another useful step to take is to give your child an alternative. Get
a doll with long hair or a wig and offer it to your child, letting them
know that they can play with this hair instead of yours.

INTENSE ENERGY CHECKLIST [AQ]

• Our children hit because they want to hurt us but because they
are trying to take care of themselves.
• The four major reasons our children hit are:
ºº They are trying to communicate something to us.
 Hitting and Intense Energy 141

ºº The want to see us react to their intense energy in a big

interesting way.
ºº They are taking care of their sensory challenges.
ºº They are trying to protect themselves in some way.
• Notice the signs that your child gives the 15 minutes before or
during the times when they are using intense energy.
• Find out which checklist group your child’s signs are in (see
p.000). It will either be, group 1, 2, 3, or 4.
• If you are in checklist group 1, do the following:
ºº Move slowly.
ºº Explain to your child that you do not understand their
intense energy.
py
ºº Move fast to other forms of communication, such as verbal
co
communications, sounds, and physically moving you.
ºº When you see the signs that your child is about to have
intense energy, move out of the way so you do not get hit.
ew

ºº If your child wants something that you cannot or do not

want to give them, then give them alternative.
vi

ºº Do not give your child the thing they had intense energy
for.
re

ºº If you want to, then make sure you ask them to communicate
either verbally or nonverbally before you give it to them.
Tell them you gave it to them because they used this new
way of communicating not because they hit you.
ºº Be persistent and consistent with uses the above techniques
each time your child uses intense energy.
• If you are in checklist group 2, do the following:
ºº Change your reaction to your child’s intense energy.
ºº Change it to a “non-reaction.” Be quiet, calm, and non-
interesting in your response.
142 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

ºº Explain calmly just once that you want them to be gentle,

and that you do not understand what their hitting means.
ºº Give a big, fun, over-the-top reaction to all the times when
they are gentle.
• If you are in checklist group 3, do the following:
ºº Think my child is hitting me in an attempt to take care
of their sensory system. There actions are not connected
to their love or me, or their respect toward me. I can help
my child by giving them more sensory input to help them
balance their bodies.
ºº Squeeze them the part of their body that needs sensory
input. This could be the head, the feet, legs, or hands.

py
ºº Explain to them that they could give you the body hard
that they need squeezing and you would squeeze it for
co
them. They do not need to hit, or kick you to get that
stimulation anymore.
ºº Initiated different sensory input throughout the day so
ew

their energy does not build-up into intense energy.

• If you are in checklist group 4, do the following:
vi

ºº Think, my child is doing the best that they can to take care
of themselves they are not being mean to me. I am doing
re

the best I can to help and interact with my child.

ºº Videotape yourself with your child in the hopes you will
record an intense energy episode.
ºº Compassionately watch the tape to see if you missed any
signs from your child that they wanted you to either stop
what you were doing, touching their toys or talking in
some way.
ºº Listen and respond to your child’s cues of “No” more as
you play with your child.
• Techniques for and older bigger child, such as a teenager or
adult.
 Hitting and Intense Energy 143

ºº Create a safe environment for yourself:

-- Have a big therapy ball, big cushion, crash mat or
mattress that you can put between you and your child.
-- Leave the room when you first see the signs that your
child is going to use intense energy.
-- Find a place in your house you can go where your
child cannot follow you. Such as the bathroom.
ºº Redirect your child’s energy:
-- As your child comes toward you with intense energy,
put out your hand in a stop sign and loudly and firmly
say “Stop.”

py
-- Redirect your child to jump on the trampoline, or
throw themselves onto the crash mat or another strong
physical activity.
co
ºº Check your child’s diet.
This is going to be an adventure for you. I hope that you now feel
ew

equipped with enough tools to confidently help your children when

they have intense energy.
vi
re
re
vi
ew
co
py
 Chapter 9

TOILET TRAINING

Are you smiling? Are you ready for the adventure of toilet training
your child? If you have been waiting, here it is finally—clear, specific
ideas and techniques that will help you, to help your child to fall in
love with using the toilet! This is going to be different! I will not be

py
suggesting that you use the traditional method of asking your child to
sit on the toilet every 30 minutes or every hour. Using this method our
children can feel pushed, and interrupted from their current activity so
co
many times that it actually makes the toilet less appealing to them. We
are going to create the opposite experience for our children. One that
is easy, relaxed, fun, and altogether wonderful for you and your child.
ew

This is going to be a great adventure into toilet land! For those of

you who have already toilet trained your child but have toilet related
questions, go straight to the “Troubleshooting” section at the end of
vi

this chapter.
re

LET’S START WITH OUR ATTITUDE

For our children we are the ambassadors of the toilet, and the world of
wee and poop. If we are not excited about the toilet, then why should
they be? Are they not perfectly happy wearing nappies, and being
cared for and cleaned by you? It is usually our agenda, we adults who
want our children to get out of nappies and move on to the more adult
independent world of the toilet. It is up to us to make this experience
as fun and as exciting as possible, so that our children will find it hard
not to be interested in sitting on the potty. This is all about our attitude
to the toilet.
When was the last time you came out of the bathroom jumping
up and down sharing your joy with the world about the fact that you
just weed in the toilet? If your answer is just yesterday, then you are

145
146 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

on your way to making the toilet fun and exciting for your child, if
your answer is “never” then your first step will be to adopt some new
thoughts and beliefs about the joy of the toilet.

The toilet, wee, and poop are wonderful things!

I was having lunch with a dear friend and her lovely six-month-old baby
boy. While we were eating we heard loud amusing gas noises coming
from his direction, then the distinct smell that a poop had arrived in
his nappy. His mom’s face fell, she looked a little embarrassed and said,
“Phew that’s disgusting,” scrunching up her face disapprovingly as she
picked her baby up to change him. As she proceeded to change her
baby she carried on talking to him saying, “I would rather you did not do
such stinky poops, they are not fun for mommy, and they are gross and yucky.”

py
I have seen numerous other situations where similar scenarios
happen between caregiver and child. The overriding message is poop
is stinky and horrible. Wee although less offensive than the glorious
co
poop, is often met with a sigh or displeasure when it falls anywhere
but the toilet itself.
This way of dealing with poop and wee has been carefully passed
ew

down from generation to generation. Why this should be is not obvious

to me. Some, if not all, of you will have experienced what it is like not
to be able to wee or poop. Also you will have experienced the glorious
vi

relieving and most wonderful moment when after a couple of days

of not being able to poop you actually manage to—you know what I
re

am talking about—didn’t you secretly want to go and tell someone of

your amazing feat and celebrate a little?

Helpful beliefs to adopt

• Poop and wee are useful important bodily functions for our
bodies.
• They are signs that my child’s body is healthy and that our
process of elimination is working, without which they would
be in serious trouble.
• If our children did not wee and poop they would be in pain.
 Toilet Training 147

• Smelling these fluids helps me know that I have an opportunity

to offer my child the toilet.
• There is nothing dirty about these fluids; in fact wee is actually
sterile.
The above thoughts will help you adopt a more celebratory attitude
toward your children’s poop and wee. Having a celebratory and
welcoming attitude will help your children move more easily toward
the experience of getting to the toilet. If they sense that you do not
like what they are doing, they are more likely to move away from the
experience. If we can communicate to them that what they are doing
is fabulous and exciting, they are more likely to adopt this attitude
themselves and move more toward the idea of doing this exciting
thing in the toilet!

LET GO OF ANY “PUSH” OR “PRESSURE” py

co
You may feel outside pressure to get your child toilet trained. Our
children are not allowed to attend certain nurseries, schools, or
activities if they have not achieved this skill yet. Some parents confide
ew

in me that they think other people think they are a bad parent because
they have not managed to toilet train their child yet. This may translate
into us pushing or needing our children to sit on the toilet. When our
vi

children feel pushed they push back by becoming controlling. Your

child has ultimate control over when and where they are going to wee
re

and poop. This is just something that we cannot control, therefore it

is even more important than ever that our children feel that they have
control over when and how they wee and poop and we feel relaxed
and easy about it.
If you resonate with feeling outside pressure to toilet train your
child quickly, I would like to suggest that you can let that go right
now. Don’t let anyone else dictate to you how long it “should” take
you to toilet train your child. You child is unique. Don’t put a time
limit on this adventure. It’s between you and your child and no body
else. Focus instead on the fun you are going to have together as you
embark on presenting this life-long skill to your child. Focus on being
easy and relaxed, it does not have to happen right now, no matter how
old your child is you do have time to help them. Let the toilet games
begin!
148 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

If you have already spent a lot of time focusing on potty training

and feel that your child is just not getting it, check in with yourself
to see how you feel about it. Parents have expressed to me that they
feel “frustrated and annoyed” because their efforts have not succeeded.
When we feel frustrated or annoyed about something, we may begin
to get attached to the outcome of needing it to change in order for us
to feel happy. Then out of the need for change we start pushing our
child. There is nothing wrong with feeling frustrated that your child
won’t wee in the toilet; it just is not helpful when we are encouraging
our children with autism to use the toilet. Even if you do not “show”
your frustration to your child by shouting or yelling or forcing them
in any way, they will know how you are feeling. Our emotions show
up in a million tiny ways, our voices get harsher our actions more
jerky. We know when someone is hiding their frustration under a

py
forced smile, and so do our children. In short, things gets tense. Have
you ever tried to wee or poop when you are tense, or feeling under
pressure to hurry up and get on with it? The opposite usually happens
co
you clam up and shut down.
If you resonate with feeling frustrated with the efforts you have
already implemented with your child, I would suggest that you let
ew

go of toilet training for a while, for at least a month. If your child

has created a control issue around it, letting go of this on your part
will help ease the situation. Oftentimes taking a break can completely
vi

change the previous dynamic, our children are quick to note any
internal attitudinal changes in us. Taking a break will also help you
re

de-stress about the issue and let go. Then when you restart you do
so with a clean state and the benefits of having read this chapter and
being armed with clear, effective, no-pressure strategies.
If you, the school, a babysitter or Grandma has either dragged,
forced, or made your child go to the toilet, then your child probably
has the “I don’t like the toilet” mindset. To change this mindset
for your child I would suggest that you take a t least a three-week
break from toilet training and then restart with the new pressure-free
strategies in this chapter.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOUR CHILD IS READY?

Toilet training is something that every child can achieve. It is possible
for your child no matter how old or how severe their challenges. But
 Toilet Training 149

your timing is important. Start toilet training when your child has
passed at least three of the following milestones. This way your child
and you are much more likely to succeed, and the process will take a
shorter period of time.
• They are two and a half years old and above.
• They have an interactive attention span of at least two minutes.
Interactive attention span is not how long they can interactive
with an object, but how long they can focus their attention
interactively with you. For instance, they are looking at you
and involved with an activity that includes you. Like a chase
game, or a tickle game, or building a tower together or drawing
or having a two-minute conversation together.
• They show some awareness that they can feel that they need
to use the toilet by:
py
ºº hopping around and doing the many unique versions of
co
the “I need to wee” dance
ºº going off to poop in a quiet corner of the house
ew

ºº asking for a nappy to wee or poop in.

• If they wee when they do not have a nappy on, they notice that
the wee is falling down their legs, rather than just carrying on
vi

as if nothing has happened.

re

Special note: If your child has reached these milestones but is also
extremely controlling, meaning that their most frequent answer to
any request is “No,” then perhaps it is not the time to focus on toilet
training, but instead focus your energy on helping them become
more flexible. Once your child has relaxed their need for extreme
control, you can begin your focus on toilet training, which will be
met with more flexibility and openness on the part of your child. For
information on how to help your child with their flexibility, see the
Son-Rise Program® Developmental Model. By going to the following
link: www.autismtreatmentcenter.org/contents/other_sections/
developmental_model.php
150 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

START AT THE BEGINNING

Find out what your child’s natural rhythms are
You can do this by answering the following questions:
• How long after they drink do they wee?
• How long is the average time between each wee?
• What time of day do they usually poop?
• How many times a day do they poop?
The best way to find this out is to create a “potty diary” over a period
of a couple of days. The best times to do this would be either on a
school holiday or three-day weekend break from school.
Write down the time of day they poop. Most of you will probably

py
know when your child poops. A lot of children tend to do this at a
similar time each day. If your child does not seem to poop at the same
time each day or does so multiple times, just write the time of each
co
poop down and over a couple of days a pattern usually emerges.
Write down the times of day your child wees. Nappies make this a
little harder to know. In order to find that out be prepared to take the
ew

nappy off and dress them in underwear and trousers so that you can
see when they wee. Write the times down in your potty diary. Cross-
reference this against the times they drank and ate so that you can see
vi

how long it takes for them to urinate after eating or drinking.

Once we know this information then we can start to encourage
re

our children to sit on the toilet 15 minutes before they usually need to
go. This is much more effective than the trend in the autism world to
get a child to sit on the toilet every 30 minutes or every hour. When
you use the information you gathered from your potty diary you will
be taking your child to the toilet when they actually need to go. This
helps our children associate the feeling of needing to go to the toilet
with an actual trip to the toilet. We are also more likely to catch a wee
or a poop in the toilet. I have seen so much more success with this
method. Each of our children is unique, let’s tailor our approach to
them.
 Toilet Training 151

Things to have before you begin

Potties
If you have a young child, purchase a few small potties, so you can
have one in easy reach when you notice your child needs to wee or
poop. If you live in a multistory house, have one upstairs and one
downstairs. If your child spends a significant part of the day in
a particular room, have one in that room. This will be very useful,
making toilet training as easy and relaxed as possible by having a
potty in easy reach. This way can you avoid a control battle of pulling
your child to the bathroom by bringing the potty to them. We want
this experience to be fun, easy, and relaxed.

Child-friendly toilet seats

py
For the actual toilet you can get seats that you put on the toilet to
make the seat smaller and more suitable for the younger bottom, that
co
way our children can sit comfortably without the feeling that they
might fall in. You can buy these in different materials, in plastic, or
decorated with different Disney characters/animals/birds, or soft
and furry material. Think about what types of materials your child
ew

moves toward easily and happily, and buy one that you think will be
appealing to them.
vi

Camping potty
re

If you have an older child, seven years and above, then you can get
a camping potty that you can purchase from any camping shop. This
is a potty that is big enough for an adult to sit on. You can lock it.
There are two different kinds, one that flushes with water and one
that flushes with chemicals. As our children can be very sensitive to
chemicals I would suggest that you get the one that flushes with water.
Again, put this in a room that your child likes to frequent the most.
Or a place in your house which would make it so that you and your
child would always be in easy reach of either your bathrooms or the
camper potty.
152 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

Tarp/tarpaulin
Find or purchase some tarpaulin or ground sheets. They are great
because they are movable and easily washable! Use them to cover any
carpet or special flooring that you have in your house while you are
toilet training your child. This will help you feel more confident and
comfortable in the face of any accident your child may have during
the day.

Two-part potty
Small potties usually come in two parts, the part that you sit on and
then the container that holds the wee and poop. You can pull the
container out so that you can dispose of the wee. Even if your child
is too big for a potty, get one so that you can use the container to

py
catch wee in. This is especially useful for boys. Let’s say your child has
started to wee, you can catch it easily in this container, then both of
you can go and pour it into the toilet. This is a great tool and stepping
co
stone to getting the wee in the toilet.
ew

Pick a date to begin

Pick a date in future to start your potty training. Make sure you pick a
date when you are not due to visit your family or have them visit you.
vi

If you have a partner, it would be helpful if they are around; if not, ask
a friend or another family member if they would help out, by either
re

picking up some of your groceries so that you can limit the times you
have to go outside (where you will have to put a nappy on your child)
or by taking care of your other children.

Be 100 percent internally ready

Be rock solid in your commitment to stay the course in helping your
child through the many accidents they may have on their journey to
successfully being potty trained. If your child has accidents, this is
actually something to get excited about because it is a sign that they
are on the path to being toilet trained. When we learn to ride a two-
wheeler bike it takes us many times of falling off before we arrive at
that magical moment where we find our balance and can pedal away
 Toilet Training 153

never to fall again. Just as you would cheer on a child who fell off his
bike while learning to ride cheer on your child for nearly getting it in
the toilet when they miss. After each accident they are one accident
closer to being potty trained.

A checklist to know you are ready to begin

Begin when you have got all your potty ducks in a row—meaning:
¨¨
You have the important information about when your child is
most likely to poop or wee.
¨¨
Your have everything you need, potty’s and grounds sheets.
¨¨
You have a date and time in mind when you can begin the
process.
¨¨
py
You are internally 100 percent ready.
¨¨
co
You are excited to begin the process.

THE TOILET PLAN

ew

Let your child know exactly what

going to the bathroom entails
vi

There is great secrecy surrounding what actually happens when an

adult locks himself or herself in the bathroom. They go in silently, and
re

come out again making no announcements about what they got up to

in that room, looking just the same as they went in. Start to share what
goes on in there!
• Show your child what goes on in the bathroom. For the girls
have them in the bathroom when you wee and let them see
the stream going into the toilet—how else are they going to
know? For the boys, all you dads out there, model weeing in
the toilet. If you are a single mom and do not have a partner,
ask an uncle or have an older sibling brother demonstrate his
amazing ability to wee in the in the toilet. After you poop
instead of getting up and flushing straight away, have your
child come in the bathroom let them see the poop in the toilet.
Excitedly tell them how great it felt to poop and how happy
you are to have pooped in the toilet!
154 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

• Verbally explain to your child exactly what poop and wee

is, and why it is useful for them to use the toilet. Remember
that we want to talk to our children believing that they can
understand us. Of course, as you speak to your child, do so in
a way that is appropriate for their current age. Use all the real
words for things, like penis, vagina, wee, or poop instead of
the mystique of “number one” [AQ] or “number two,” “down
there,” “tiddle,” or “thingy.” There is nothing to be embarrassed
about, this is a completely natural and healthy activity. Explain:
ºº how your body digests food, and that the poop and wee
are the parts of the food our bodies do not need
ºº how the wee comes out of the body through a hole and
into the potty

py
ºº how the poop comes out of the body through a hole and
into the potty
co
ºº how it is taken out into the sewer and disposed off
ºº how great it is that they will not have to wear nappies
anymore, that they will have move comfort without the
ew

wet of the pee and the stickiness of the poop against their
skin
vi

ºº how using the toilet helps keep us fresh and clean

ºº how comfortable and fun it is to wear big girl and big boy
re

underwear.
As you explain all of the above, remember you are the ambassador for
the toilet. Share this great information in a fun and enthusiastic way.

Make going to the bathroom a big event in your house

• Whenever you feel the need to go to the toilet, after making
sure that you have no visitors in the house and that it is just
you and your family at home, announce to everyone loudly
and clearly that you have that special feeling in your tummy
that means that you are so lucky because you get to go to the
toilet! Important that this is expressed with delight and great
anticipation.
 Toilet Training 155

• Once you have done the wonderful deed and have come out
of the bathroom, have the other people in the house come to
celebrate you! Do not force your child with autism to come
along, if all the other members of your family come they just
may feel the urge to come and see what is going on. Plan
with the other members of your family to come and applaud
every time someone declares that they need to use the potty. If
your child does not like the sound of clapping but loves music,
then create a simple potty song that they could come and sing
instead. A potty song could go like this:
“Oh I am going to the potty, hip hip hip hooray!
I am sitting on the potty, oh what a lovely day!
I get to wee, and wipe and flush hooray hoorah hooray.

py
If you are a single parent and you do not have any other
children, no worries, you can still do this. Instead of other
co
people coming to cheer you and sing or clap, go to where your
child is in the house, and celebrate, clap, and sing the potty
song to yourself. This will mark just as well the wonderful
ew

occasion of you using the toilet for your child.

• Make potty or toilet certificates that can be awarded each time
a family member uses the potty. Make the certificates to be
vi

motivating to your child. If your child likes Thomas the Tank

Engine then have him on the certificate. If your child likes to
re

talk about the weather, then write interesting facts about the
weather on the certificate. These are to be prized and displayed
by your family.
• This is not about getting your child to do anything or asking
your child to do something concerning the toilet, this is just
about making it fun and a big event in your house. This must
be a sincere activity, you cannot fake things with your children,
if you are doing this but not really enjoying yourself, they will
know. Get behind the fun of this. You have nothing to lose,
just a good time to be had by you and your family.
156 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

Take the nappies off!

Nappies today are wonderfully advanced, so much so that our children
can wear them and not feel in the slightest bit wet or uncomfortable.
On the one hand, this is great because we want our children to feel
comfortable and the occurrence of nappy rash is greatly reduced. On
the other hand, unfortunately it does not help your child to feel or
notice then they wee and we cannot see when they do this. So potty
training will go so much faster if we take the nappies off. Of course
you will still use them any time you have to leave the house or during
the night.
While I am suggesting taking the nappy off, I encourage keeping
your child dressed in big girl or big boy underwear and tracksuit
bottoms that can easily and quickly be pulled down.
This is where the tarp/ground sheets come in. Put them down to

py
cover the carpets and sofas that your child may be sitting on while
they are nappy-free. This way you do not have to be concerned about
ruining your carpet or furniture and can keep a relaxed, easy attitude
co
when your child has an accident.
ew

Break it down
Learning to independently use the bathroom consists of eight stages.
1. Noticing when you have to go to the bathroom.
vi

2. Pulling down your trousers/underwear

re

3. Sitting on the potty

4. Weeing or pooping.
5. Wiping yourself
6. Pulling up your trousers/underwear
7. Flushing the toilet
8. Washing your hands.
Focus on one at a time. Some you will have to teach, and some your
children may just do without much prompting. Ask them to do each
stage, they might surprise you and do it easily straight away.
 Toilet Training 157

One mom was shocked to hear that I thought her son Aleem had
no issues with dressing himself or using the bathroom—all eight
stages. I just asked him to do it and he did! His mom had never asked,
she had been doing it for so long for him it had not occurred to her.
You don’t have to do the stages in order, for instance if your child
cannot do stage 2, I would do that for him and work on stage 3. The
priority is using the toilet—it is ok to pull your child’s trousers down
and wipe them at first, eventually they will learn all these steps.

Ask your child to sit on the potty or the toilet

Remember that our main objective is getting our children to want
to sit on the potty independently of us. That means we want to
make it a stress-free experience for them. Keeping in mind that it is

py
important to give our children control (chapter 1), we do not want
to physically force our children to sit on the toilet by dragging them
there, we want them to go there under their own free will. That does
co
not mean that we cannot hold their hand or pick them up and take
them into the bathroom, but only with their permission. If they move
away from us, or say no—respect that and try some of the suggestions
ew

below. Toileting is something we cannot force our children to do, it

is something that is completely in their control, thus while giving
our children control is extremely important, it is even more important
vi

around toileting.
re

When to ask them to sit on the toilet

• 15 minutes before they usually wee or poop. You will know
this from the information you gathered in the “potty diary.” We
want to ask the 15 minutes before so that we have time to get
there in an easy and relaxed way. We will have time to ask in a
variety of different ways.
• When your child is doing their own version of the “potty
dance”—crossing their legs, jiggling their legs, or holding
their genitals.
• When you see that your child has already started to pee or
poop. The wonderful thing about taking the nappies off is
158 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

that you will see this now, and thus have many more real
opportunities to offer the toilet.
• When they show interest in either the potty, the camper potty,
or the toilet, by either looking at it, walking over to it, or
touching it. That means we have to keep an eye open to see
this. If they just walk past the bathroom or by the potty, offer
the toilet. If they glance over in its direction, offer it.

How to ask
• Verbally—Just ask them any fun way you like. You could say
one or more of the following suggestions:
ºº “Honey, it’s time to go visit the potty—hooray! Let’s see

py
if we can wee or poop—I wonder which one will it be.”
ºº “It’s potty time again! Come on let’s see who will get to
co
the toilet the quickest.”
ºº “It looks like you really want to pee or poop. Come with
me to the toilet so we can put it in there.”
ew

Have their favorite character or puppet tell them that it is

potty time. Maybe it is a figurine of Elmo, or a shark puppet,
vi

or a toy vacuum. In my experience our children sometimes

find it easier to respond to our requests when they are made
re

through a puppet or figurine. Don’t forget to use the voice of

the character when you do this!
• Take their hand—You can do this as you verbally ask or
after you have verbally asked and have not received a response
from your child.
Go over to them and explain that you are going to take
their hand and walk with them to the toilet. If they allow this,
head to the nearest toilet. As you walk with them, be sensitive
to whether they are coming with you freely; if they pull away
from you, let them know they have control by letting go of
their hand.
• Pick them up—As you go to pick up your child it is very
important that you use the Son-Rise Program® Control
 Toilet Training 159

Protocol on p.000. Explain that you are going to pick them

up and take them to the bathroom so they can sit on the potty.
Tell the in a fun and excited way! Look for permission. If they
move away from you, struggle, or resist being picked up, it is
very important that you give them control and do not pick
them up. We do not want to have any control battles with our
children, but this is even more important with toilet training.
• Go into the bathroom by yourself—You can do this while
you are asking your child; sometimes you actually going to the
bathroom helps them decide to go with you. If your child has
not responded to your verbal or physical request then tell them
that you will see them in there and go yourself. Once in the
bathroom, make something fun happen in there so that your
child might want to come and see what all the commotion is
about:
py
ºº Make some noise, sing a song your child likes, play the
co
harmonica, bang a drum.
ºº If your child likes particular scenes from a movie, start
acting them out in the bathroom—loudly enough so that
ew

your child may hear.

ºº Take some object into the bathroom with you that you
vi

know that they like. If they like to play with string or play
dough or cars, let them know that you and a ball of string
re

or some cars are going into the bathroom and that you
both hope that they join you soon.
ºº If your child likes visual stimulation, like things flying
through the air or dropping in front of their eyes, then
make things fly around the bathroom—or out the
bathroom door.
The idea is to find a way to give your child a good reason to
visit the bathroom.
• Be persistent—Ask more that once, ask more that twice, it
may take many times of you asking before your child responds.
Stick with it. Believe each time that you ask and they do not
respond that you are one step closer to the time when they
160 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

are going to respond. Our children find responding to us and

the world, and doing everyday things like sitting on the potty,
so much harder than their neuro-typical peers, so it stands to
reason that it will take them a little longer to catch on to the
idea. Let’s not give up on them, stay the course and give them
more opportunities to succeed. The moment we stop giving
them opportunities we rob them of the chance of being able
to learn.
Now this does not mean that you have to stay doing this
all day. There is no precise science as to how long you keep
offering the toilet to a child that is not responding or even
showing you that they are taking in what you are doing.
I would say as a guideline if you child has not verbally or
nonverbally said a clear resounding no then keep going using

py
the varied techniques listed above for a minimum of five
minutes. It is my experience that even when a child has shown
no clear interest in me they are aware of what I am doing and
co
saying. I want them to know that I think that using the toilet
is a fun and wonderful thing that they could do, the more I
show them this the more likely they will start thinking about
ew

trying it themselves. I want to have done it so much that my

child might my lie in bed at night thinking, “Boy, Mom really
does love going to the bathroom, maybe I should try it.”
vi

If your child has clearly stated “no,” then respect that and
let them know that you will try again in three to five minutes.
re

• Want your child, versus need your child, to sit on the

toilet!—Asking persistently in the ways outlined above will
only work if we can do it from a place of passionately wanting
our children to sit on the toilet without “needing” them to. We
are needy when our happiness, feeling of success, or wellbeing
is reliant on our children doing what we have asked them to
do, in this case sit on the potty. Make sure it is really ok with
you if they decide not to.
Our need for a particular outcome that is not happening
as fast as we want it to usually freezes our brains. Suddenly we
cannot think of any other ideas to help our child sit on the
potty we may feel that they will ever get it. This soon becomes
a self-fulfilling prophecy. Funny that, how the moment we
 Toilet Training 161

think we get unhappy or needy we can’t think of another

thing to do. What we think and how we feel as we play and
encourage our children is so so important. If you notice that
your are feeling attached to having your child sit on the potty,
take a break, take ten minutes out and make yourself a cup of
tea. As you are drinking your tea contemplate the following
thoughts:
ºº There is no rush, no matter how old your child is they can
be potty trained.
ºº Your house was not built overnight, but brick by brick;
the same applies to your child learning new skills, request
by request.
ºº You are the best person to help your child, you have the

py
strongest relationship with your child, and you know your
child the most and have the most time to give to your
co
child.
ºº You and your child are doing the best that you can.
Let go of the goal of having your child sit on the potty, and
ew

enjoy asking your child to come to the toilet. Focus just on this
request, and the fun of enticing them there.
vi

Modeling going to the toilet

re

• Whenever you need to go to the toilet, let your child know

and come with you.
• Have different stuffed animals and characters go to the potty.
You can act this out in front of them with the little potty.
ºº You could keep it simple by walking a teddy bear over
to the potty, lean him over the potty and have him take
a pretend wee, making a wee noise. While you are doing
this, make a deep pretend voice for the bear who might
say, “Oh I really need to pee, it must have been all that
berry juice I drank.” After peeing he (the teddy bear)
might say, “Oh that felt so good, and I am glad that I can
wee in the toilet like a grown-up bear, that way I don’t
162 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

have to wear nappies, and I keep the forest clean.” Then

celebrate Mr. Bear for being such a clever bear. Don’t feel
that you have to get your child to watch you or participate
in this little game you are playing, but do celebrate them
and encourage them if they choose to.
ºº If your child does not really like regular toys you can do
it with inanimate objects, like trains, cars, strings of beads,
and magnetic letters or numbers. With a little imagination
everything can use the toilet.

Use your child’s motivations

Use your child’s motivations by weaving the toilet into things they are already
interested in. You can weave going to the toilet into any game that your

py
child is already playing with you. This way your child gets to think
and explore the concept of sitting on the toilet within subjects and
co
activities that they are already interested in. You can do this at times
when your child does not actually need to go to the toilet. For example:
• Let’s say your child likes to act out scenes from Disney movies,
ew

maybe Toy Story or Beauty and the Beast. Have your character
stop and go to the toilet. Maybe Buzz Light Year has to make
a wee in outer space and you and your child have to figure out
vi

together how to make a space toilet.

• Maybe your child likes to draw—you could start to draw a
re

person sitting on the toilet.

• If your child likes to spell, you can spell out the words toilet
time or the sentence “T likes sitting on the toilet.”
• If your child is into math and numbers, you could calculate
how many times a week, month or year the average person
uses the toilet.
• If your child likes to talk about a particular subject, like storms
or Michael Jackson, you could introduce the subject of going
to the toilet by wondering what type of toilet Michal Jackson
had, or how you could go to the bathroom in the middle of
a tornado.
 Toilet Training 163

Celebrate, celebrate, celebrate

Never underestimate the power of celebration. We all like it! When we
were children we did either what got us the most attention or the most
celebration, and maybe for some of us that has never changed.
Of course, I know that you will be very sincere and passionate
when your child uses the toilet for the first time! I am sure that your
celebration will be big and genuine. One thing we might not think to
focus on is to celebrate all the little steps our children take before they
get to the final destination. Below are some suggestions of all the steps
to celebrate along the way.
• Celebrate everything our children do in relation to the toilet.
ºº Celebrate them when they look at the toilet
ºº Celebrate them for entering the bathroom when you ask
them to.
py
ºº Celebrate them for touching it.
co
ºº Celebrate them for sitting on it.
ºº Celebrate them for getting a poop or a wee in the potty.
ew

ºº Celebrate them for noticing that they have just weed or

pooped.
vi

ºº Celebrate them for telling you that they needed to use the
toilet.
re

ºº Celebrate each stage of pulling up and down their trousers,

wiping themselves, flushing the toilet, and washing their
hands.
• Use a variation in your voice.
ºº Celebrate loudly in a cheerleader voice.
ºº Celebrate sweetly and tenderly like you do when you kiss
them goodnight.
ºº Celebrate by whispering your celebration.
ºº Celebrate by singing a rock song, or a lullaby.
ºº Celebrate using funny voices, like Donald Duck, Mighty
Mouse, and Popeye.
164 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

TROUBLESHOOTING
My child will not let me change his nappy—it is always a fight.
This is most likely a control issue. Doing the following when
attempting to change your child’s nappy will help.
• Explain to your child in detail why it is important for him to
have his nappy changed:
ºº that you are trying to help him not get a nappy rash from
having poop or wee on his skin for too long
ºº that a nappy gets full and can only hold a certain amount.
• Give your child warning before you attempt to change them.
They may experience nappy changing is too sudden a transition
from one activity to another and feel the need to push against

py
it. Give them a countdown before you change them: give them
a ten-minute warning, then a five-minute, then a two-minute
co
warning; this way they are able to prepare themselves for the
event.
• Experiment with different ways of changing them. In my
ew

experience of changing many different children of varying

ages, each child likes to have it done differently. One style
I find effective is having a certain place where you always
vi

do it where your child brings himself. For example, I would

lay down a towel on the floor, get the wet wipes and a clean
re

nappy and lay them next to the towel, [AQ] then pat the towel
as I ask my child to lie down so that I can change their nappy.
This way your child can see a visual representation of what it
is we are asking them to do and they can come under their
own steam. Or I do it while they are standing up and absorbed
in their own activity, maybe they are looking at a book, or
lining up their objects on the table. They do not have to break
from their activity. Experiment with different ways to see if
one would work better.
Maybe it is a sensory issue, are your hands too cold? Maybe they feel
rough on your child’s skin? Our hands might be sticky from cooking
or have glue on them, maybe your child is moving away from the feel
this has on their skin. It could be another sensory issue that is not
 Toilet Training 165

actually related to the changing of the nappy. Maybe we have on a

perfume or a hairspray on that is overwhelming for our child and it
is that they are moving away from. Put on your “detective” hat once
more and investigate to see if it a sensory issue for your child.

My child smears his poop and eats it.

I was consulting with a lovely mom of a five-year-old boy with autism.
She talked with great animation and enthusiasm about her son until
she started to broach the subject of her child smearing and eating
his poop. When she began to talk about this she whispered and did
not look me in the eye. When I asked her why she was whispering,
she said it was because she did not want anyone to know, as it was
so shameful. She was also sure that her son was the only child that
did this. Shame can be a very isolating emotional experience. So, first

py
thing to know about this is that you are not alone, your child is not
the only child on the planet who does this and there is nothing to be
co
ashamed of. This activity is done by both the little tikes who are on
the spectrum, and as well as neuro-typical children. The only reason
that you think you have the only child who does this is because no one
talks about it. So let’s talk about it now.
ew

What to do:
• Decide to feel good about this. Instead of seeing this as
vi

disgusting, let’s keep in mind what we talked about earlier that

poop is a wonderful thing our body is doing. That we are glad
re

our children can poop. We can still come from this place as we
teach our children that poop is great but not something we eat.
This will make the situation easier for you and for your child.
• Make it harder for them to do this activity.
ºº Put your child in clothing that makes it difficult for them
to stick their hand into their nappies and retrieve their
poop. For example, you can put them in a onesie and then
in a jump suit that fastens at the back or dungarees. Or
one-piece PJs and cut the feet off so that you can put it on
backwards so the zipper is at the back. That way they will
not have immediate access to their poop.
166 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

ºº When you are changing your child’s nappy give them

something else to busy their hands with so their minds are
not on the poop.
ºº Let nothing distract you from changing the nappy quickly
so that your child does not have time to grab any poop.
Not the phone, or your other children, let nothing take
your attention away from the deed in hand. Sometimes
we unwittingly give them the time to grab their poop by
being distracted by the phone or our other children.
• Get your child tested for a dietary deficiency. Some of our
children may want to eat their poop because they have a
mineral deficiency. Ask your doctor to test your child to see if
this is the case.

py
My child will smear his poop in the middle of the night.
co
I have worked with many families where this is the case. In 95 percent
of these cases it was all about what happened once the child had
smeared. The parent would clean up their child by giving them a bath
and spend up to 30 minutes or more with their child. This became
ew

motivating for their child to continue to smear because they liked to

take a bath and have a parent’s attention in the middle of the night.
Smearing was just a way to get that. Once the parents took away their
vi

attention and the fun bath time the children stopped smearing. What
might help you to achieve this? There are two possible ways to try:
re

• If you child only smears a little I would suggest leaving the

poop and not cleaning it up at all. This is very effective. There
are numerous examples in my experience of children never
doing it again once they see their parents are not going to
come in. I have never heard of any child dying or getting sick
because they have a little poop on them. How often have you
fallen asleep with baby poop on you without even realizing
it? Letting your child fall asleep with poop on them does not
make you a bad parent, it is your intention that matters. You
are doing this to help your child learn that poop lives in the
potty and is not to be played with.
 Toilet Training 167

• If your child smears a lot and by leaving them it will be

literally all over their bedroom and you will probably have to
spend the better part of a day cleaning it, then try entering
your child’s bedroom in a very quiet fashion—do not engage
or talk to your child. The idea is not be make it fun—but
that does not mean that you make it unpleasant for your child
either, just go for a neutral effect. Instead of giving your child
a bath, just wipe them down with wet wipes and leave as
quickly as possible.

My child is fully toilet trained. He will play with his poop while it is in the
toilet bowl.
If your child can independently sit on the potty and will use this
as a time to smear then give them an alternative substance to play

py
with. Poop has a certain texture and is strong smelling—put a bowl of
similar texture substance by the potty. It could be silly putty, plasticine,
co
play dough, mashed-up bananas, add into it an essential oil—pachouli
is particularly strong smelling. Tell you child that playing with his
poop is not healthy for him but he can play with this substance instead
as long as he wants to.
ew

This method proved very successful with Ali a 12-year-old mid-

verbal child with autism. He was completely toilet trained but would
play with his poop in the toilet bowl when he was alone in the
vi

bathroom. His hands were starting to become very irritated from the
contact with the poop. His parents felt that they could not be with
re

him every minute. We decided to put a bowl next to the toilet with
the plasticine in. We explained to him that his hands were irritated
because of the contact with the poop and that he could help heal his
hands by playing with the plasticine rather than the poop and that
we were going to leave that for him to play with instead. His parents
modeled this for him by giving him the bowl of plasticine anytime
they were actually in the bathroom with him, and reminded him each
day of its presence. By the end of the week he had stopped playing
with his poop!
168 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

Even though my child will wee in the toilet, each time he poops he asks for a
nappy and does it in there instead of the toilet.
Pooping is an intense physical experience for us all. I can only imagine
that is it a more intense sensory experience for our children on the
autism spectrum. A lot of our children have digestive tract challenges,
which can result in them either having a lot of diarrhea or constipation,
thus pooping is more of a challenge for them. We all have our own
rituals and ways we like to poop.
The most effective way to deal with this issue is to take away the
nappies, stop buying them and get rid of the spare ones you have in
your house. The slow way is to pick a date in the future where you tell
your child that as they are getting bigger it is time for them to begin to
transition from pooping in the nappy to pooping in the toilet—make
this a happy fun declaration. That in two weeks time, they will only

py
have one nappy a day to use. Tell them that they can ask for it and use
it at any point in the day, but once it is used there is no more until the
co
next day. Then after doing that for two weeks, let your child know
that the nappies are now all done.
The fast way is to go straight to the stage of having no nappies
in the house. If you have a younger sibling who uses nappies that are
ew

a similar size make sure that they are in a place in your house that
your child with autism does not have access to. You can get rid of the
nappies in two ways, the slow way or the fast way, the choice is yours,
vi

they are both effective.

Once you get to the stage where there are no nappies in the house
re

at all:
• The day before you use the last nappy decorate your toilets in
a way that you know will motivate your child. For example, I
know of a lovely family who decorated their toilet with Dora
the Explorer stickers—their daughter loved it. Another tied a
series of bows around their toilet as their child loved ribbons.
One created a speech bubble coming out of the toilet that said:
“Welcome Max’s Poop! I am excited to receive the very first
poop from Max! Thank you Max.” Followed by a big smiley
face.
• Stand clear and solid in your decision not to have nappies in
the house. If your child senses that you are not sure about your
 Toilet Training 169

decision, they will hold out for the nappy. If they feel that you
are rock solid, they will move on.
• When they ask for a nappy, let them know in an excited and
congratulatory voice that you do not have any more as they
now are so clever that they have graduated to the toilet. That
your toilets are now ready and excited to have your child’s
poop. Then let them know that you decorated the toilet for the
occasion and ask them to come and have a look.
• Then model sitting on the toilet and request your child to do
the same.
• If they say no, then tell them that they do not have to poop
right at this moment they can go at any time that they please,
but the nappies are no longer available.
•
py
It is important that you give your control at this time and
do not force them in anyway to sit on the toilet. I would tell
co
them they can poop on the toilet whenever they are ready and
then leave them alone in the toilet. I have so many stories of
children pooping in the toilet once they are alone and no one
ew

is telling them what to do.

• They may start to cry believing that that will move you to get
a nappy for them. Know that your child is not in any danger
vi

or distress, they are just using the tantrum in the attempt to get
a nappy. If you have read chapter 7 you will already know how
re

to respond to the tantrum. It is no different in this case. Tell

them that they have graduated from the nappy to the toilet
[AQ] and even if they cry it won’t make the nappies come
back. That they can now poop on the toilet.
• Know that they will survive and move through this transition,
that you are helping them make a useful transition for
themselves that will help them function in the social world.
170 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

My child will disappear to another part of the house and poop alone.
This may be because they do not want the people around them to react
in the loud “Oh did you do a stinky pooh?” way that they may have in
the past, preferring to retreat. If that is the case, then just inform your
child that you think that their pooping is a wonderful healthful thing
and it is ok for them to do it around you and in the bathroom.
Sometimes our enthusiasm gets in the way! Pooping is a big
sensory experience and it may be that our children want to be left
alone and be private, and the only way to achieve this is to go off on
their own. If you sense, having read so far that your trying to engage
and interact with your child as they try and poop is not working,
experiment being quieter. One lovely girl I worked with was clearly
holding in her poop and not responding to my fun and lively requests
to sit on the toilet. So I changed tack, I lowered my voice and my

py
energy, told her that she could take all the time she wanted pooping in
the bathroom alone, and I left and sat quietly in the other room giving
co
her some space. Seven minutes later she sat on the potty, it took her 15
minutes to finish pooping. It obviously took time and concentration
on her part, and was easier for her when I was not around.
If you have changed yourself in the ways above and your child is
ew

still pooping away from you in another part of the house, investigate
and see if you can find out what it is about this place that is appealing
to your child. One family I was working with had a boy of six who
vi

would always poop next to the air-conditioning vent. I suggested

to the family that they put a fan next to the toilet. The boy started
re

pooping on the toilet soon after that. Something about the cool air
helped. Remember, there is always a reason as to why our children
are behaving in their unique way—our job is to believe that and then
attempt to find out.
If you cannot see what the reason is maybe they started this off
by accident one day and now they have become rigid in wanting to
always do it that way. First put a potty in the exact place that they
are pooping in, let them know that you put it there so that they can
poop in it. Every couple of days move the potty slightly closer to the
bathroom, these slight changes may help your child accept the change
of pooping in a different place.
 Toilet Training 171

My child will not wash his hands after he uses the toilet.
If your child will not wash his hands in the sink, start with taking a
wet washcloth to wherever he has run to after using the toilet. Using
the Control Protocol of explaining, giving warning, and looking for
permission, wash his hands with the cloth or a wet wipe. This will
help him get used to the fact that we wash hands after we go to the
bathroom.
Once you have done that for a while, next time you are in the
bathroom, start to run the taps before your child had finished using
the toilet. Make it fun for your child to want to come over to the sink
before they leave the bathroom.
• If your child likes bubbles, fill the sink will a little water and
make some bubbles.
•
• py
Get some soap in the shape of their favorite character.
Fill the sink with a little water and put some trains at the
co
bottom and ask your child to rescue the fish.
• Model washing your own hands with excitement. Afterwards
you could mention how clean they feel and how nice they
ew

smell.

He will not wipe himself after he has pooped.

vi

Successful wiping takes time, practice, and patience. According to

re

Dr. Christopher Green typically developing toddlers do not wipe

themselves for at least a year after they have learnt to poop on the
potty, then they take a year to master the art. The advice here is keep
encouraging your child to do this in a fun and easy unattached manner.

My child keeps peeing on the floor—he does it on purpose as he looks at me and

laughs when I tell him not to.
This sounds like it is a button push. Remember we talked about button
pushing in chapter 6. This is when our children do something just so
they can see our reaction. The clue that leads me to believe this is that
he is looking at you while he is weeing on the floor. This indicates he
is more interested in what you are going to do about him weeing on
the floor than the actual act itself. The first thing you want to do is
172 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

notice your reaction to him peeing on the floor. Do you shout “No”
and rush over to him in a dramatic way? If you do, it is most likely this
dramatic response that he is looking for. Next time your child wees on
the floor do not respond in any way. Wait a few minutes before you
even clean up the wee. Then the next time your child does something
that you really want him to do, like look at you or talk to you or
actually wee in the toilet, give a really big dramatic positive response
to it. If our children want us to react in a big dramatic way, let’s do it
when they do things we want them to continue to do. See chapter 6
for lots more on button pushing.

My child stands up or crouches while pooping on the toilet.

Rejoice and be happy that your child has created a way that is effective
to use the toilet. I would say—Does this matter? As long as he is using

py
the toilet successfully why does it matter whether he sits, stands, or
crouches? We actually don’t know how every person uses the toilet
co
once they are in the privacy of their individual stall, or in the privacy
of their home. Different cultures had different kinds of toilets; in some
countries the correct way of using a toilet is to crouch above a hole in
the ground. Celebrate that they are using the toilet successfully and
ew

let this be. It is obviously working for them. Later, when our children
are able to connect with us more deeply or understand things more,
we can invite them to sit as well.
vi

My child takes all their clothes off before peeing or pooping on the toilet.
re

I have seen many children want to take all their clothes off to go to
the bathroom. Whilst this is fine in the safety of your own house it
is more challenging when you are in a public toilet or at school. The
way to help your child with this is one step, or one piece of clothing,
at a time. In my experience, children who do this have one thing
in common: they have challenges with different kinds of textures on
their skin, and can be tactile-defensive. Sound familiar? If this is the
case, I would suggest that you start the brushing protocol with your
child (see p.000 in chapter 9) [AQ], which will help them with their
underlying sensory challenges.
So what do I mean by helping them one piece of clothing at a
time? Get your child used to wearing something when they sit on
the potty, you might first start with something very small, as they sit
 Toilet Training 173

on the potty put on a pair of funny glasses yourself and offer them
to wear a pair, or you could start with a hat, or a special pair of potty
socks. Once your child accepts this then add another piece of clothing,
start small and then work up to the bigger stuff like pants.

My child had potty skills and now has completely lost them—why is that?
This is not uncommon for our children. Our children’s bodies are
different and react differently to their experiences. This could be due
to one of a number of things.
It could be because there are added stresses going on in their
current lives. Check to see if anything has changed in their external
environment. Maybe they have moved to a new school, or there is
construction happening close to your house. If you see that it could
be related to environmental changes, do what you can to ease the

py
challenge. If, for example, your child has just started a new school,
be patient with your child while they adjust. Make their time outside
co
of school calmer and more predictable, this will ease the transition.
Know that once they have adjusted you can start to toilet train again.
The second time around will not be nearly as time-consuming or as
challenging as the first. They have not lost the skill, they are just not
ew

able to concentrate on it due to other challenges.

Perhaps they have just taken a leap in their social development.
Maybe your child is in a therapy program and they have been
vi

working on language and your child has started to speak more, or

has lengthened their interactive attention span, because your child has
re

focused their attention on learning this skill, potty training may take a
second seat for a while. Once this new skill has been integrated, your
child will pick up their potty-training skills again.
Above all be patient with you child, know that they are doing the
very best that they can.

If my child learns to wee on the potty, will they be able to transfer it to the toilet
easily?
My answer to that is yes. I have worked with over a thousand different
children and adults, with varying diagnoses, and I have never come
across a situation where a child will wee in the potty but not in the
toilet. The concept we want to help our children have is that their wee
and poop goes into a container and that they keep themselves clean
and fresh.
174 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

The most important thing to remember as you embark on your toilet

training adventure together is to have fun and be easy. If you apply
the techniques in this chapter, your child will learn to use the toilet.
The important thing is to relax and have fun together trying. We don’t
know how long your journey will be, but you will get there in the end.
Enjoy the process!

TOILET TRAINING CHECKLIST [AQ]

• Decide that the toilet, poop, and wee are great wonderful
things.
• Create a “potty diary.”
• Buy everything you need—potties, tarp, camper potty, etc.
•
py
Pick a date to start toilet training.
co
• Verbally explain to your child what the toilet is all about.
• Model using the toilet to your child.
• Make going to the toilet a big event in your house.
ew

• Take the nappies off.

• Ask your child to sit on the potty. Ask in a variety of different
vi

ways.
re

• Use your potty diary to know when to ask your child.

• Ask them when they show interest in the potty, toilet, or
camper potty.
• Ask them when they do a version of the potty dance.
• Ask them when you see they are already weeing or pooping.
• Be persistent. Want versus need them to sit on the toilet.
• Weave the toilet into games you play with your child.
• Celebrate every attempt your child makes toward using the
toilet!
 Chapter 10

SLEEPING

SLEEP IS GOOD FOR ME, AND GOOD FOR MY CHILD

Sleeping can be a great challenge for our children on the autism
spectrum. Studies show that between 44 and 83 percent of children
with autism have some form of sleep challenges (compared to 10–20

py
percent of typically developing children).
When our children do not sleep that means we do not either! Sleep
is essential, not only for your child but also for you. Without sleep our
co
common sense goes right out the window. Problems can escalate as we
are unable to create a reality checking balance, we can even “invent”
problems where there are none. We can be irritable, irrational, and
ew

easily move into temper. This is not helpful when parenting a child
on the autism spectrum who wants predictability and consistency.
It is also not helpful for your marriage, or for your health. It is not
vi

surprising that sleep deprivation is considered an effective method of

torture, driving people into confusion and even madness.
re

Sometimes you may feel that your life is just too difficult. That you
just cannot manage your everyday with your child. I wonder how this
might change after two weeks of good sleep, or a month of sleeping
through the night? The chances are you would feel very different
about your child and your situation! Your head and body aches would
decrease. That brain fog you have lived with for years would clear. You
would probably find the energy that has been eluding you and manage
your everyday with your child with more ease!
A month of sleeping through the night! Doesn’t that sound good!
Is it not music to your ears? For those of you who are seriously sleep-
deprived I bet it is something you would choose over tickets to the
World Cup Final or winning the lottery! If the answer is no, then
you do not want it enough to get it. Our sleep is so often dependent

175
176 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

on how much our children sleep. Between what we think and what
we imagine our children are thinking we give ourselves 101 reasons
to not sleep and stay up with our children. Do any of the following
thoughts sound familiar to you? Maybe your children are verbal and
actually tell you these things, or maybe you believe that these are what
they are saying based on your interpretations of their actions.
Things you may imagine your children are telling you.
• I am up so you should be up.
• I’m not tired enough to go to sleep yet.
• I am too scared to sleep by myself.
• I will not like you if you leave me to sleep by myself.
• I think you are really mean for not staying up with me.
Things you may believe about your child.
py
co
• My child will not go to sleep unless I lie with him for the first
five hours.
• My child will make a lot of noise and wake up the neighbors.
ew

• My child will make a lot of noise and wake up his little sister.
• My child will stay up and sleep all day instead of going to
vi

therapy, if I do not sleep with him.

• My child will be physiologically scarred for life if I leave him
re

to cry myself to sleep.

• My child will wake up really early if I move his bedtime to an
earlier time.
• My child is too scared to sleep on his own.
We can give ourselves many reasons not to change our children’s
sleeping pattern. If you use the techniques and strategies in this
chapter you will find it is much easier and quicker than you imagine.
After doing these strategies, parents often tell me that that they wished
they had done it sooner.
Joanna, a six-year-old girl diagnosed with PDD, would stay up for 36
hours at a time, never wavering in her energy. If her mom tried to go
 Sleeping 177

to sleep herself, Joanna would pull the covers off her and say, “Stand
up.” If she did not stand up she would pull her arm or hair until she
got out of bed. She would then [AQ] demand that she put the TV on
and get her some food. Her mom felt that she had no choice but to do
what her daughter was demanding.
Ian, a five-year-old boy diagnosed with Asperger’s, would declare
forlornly with one tear running down his cheek: “Where has all the
love gone, there is only hate here now,” whenever his parents suggested
the idea of him sleeping by himself in his own room. He was brilliant
at being dramatic and pulling on his parent’s heartstrings.
Alfie, a 14-year-old boy with autism and epilepsy would stay up until
2am every night. His mom was very concerned about leaving him in
his room alone in case he had a seizure, so she would stay up with him

py
playing until he fell asleep each night. She had three other children to
take care of and she was up at 6am each morning, Alfie however slept
on until 10am, waking refreshed, unlike his mom.
co
All three of these families had their children sleeping through the night within a
week of applying the techniques in this chapter.
Some of the techniques outlined below may be familiar to you, they
ew

are effective and simple; there is no magic or rocket science here. They
do however require a commitment on your part to follow through and
not give in to an easy night or a quick fix. That’s why it is important to
vi

start to really want and visualize a good night’s sleep, for you and your
child. Imagine how it would change your life and help your child!
re

Imagine putting your eight-year-old or younger to sleep at 7.30pm,

or your 14-year-old and younger to bed at 8.30pm, or an older young
adult to bed by 9.30pm. Then having that beautiful silence that fills
the house once your children are asleep. Peace. Where no one is asking
you for something. No need to take care of someone. A few moments
to yourself, where you could take a bath, or get on with all the things
you need to do without another demanding your attention. Imagine all
the amazing benefits your child would get from a regular night’s sleep.
Think of the benefits for your child. Our children are like their
neuro-typical peers in that sleepless nights will mean that they get
cranky and irritable and more challenging to manage. Unlike their
typical peers it may also mean that they become more repetitious,
controlling, and rigid. Lack of sleep could also exacerbate their sensory
178 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

challenges, maybe making loud noises or touch more unbearable.

Helping them sleep through the night will help them attend more to
their schooling or therapy. It will be easier for your child to focus, to
listen, to handle the unexpected as their stress level, compounded by
lack of sleep, will be lowered.
A study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of
Science illustrates that when our children are resting or sleeping their
brains carry on working on the new skills they learnt that day (REF??).
[AQ] Another study, published in the journal Sleep found that when we
are sleep-deprived we have a greater difficulty understanding facial
expressions (van der Helm 2010) [AQ]. Our children already have
challenges understanding social cues such as facial expressions, which
is further exacerbated by lack of sleep.
When we have a vision of what we want for our own lives and the

py
lives of our children, we have something concrete to move toward and
create. The more we want something to change the more likely we will
follow through with the necessary steps to make it happen, even when
co
faced with the determination and persistence of our crafty children.

PUTTING YOURSELF TO SLEEP IS A LEARNT SKILL

ew

This is a skill we all had to learn, which means it will be important

to give our children opportunities to learn it. This realization took
vi

me by surprise. There are things we need to teach our children that

are obvious, like how to ride a bike, eat with a knife and fork, play
re

soccer, but putting themselves to sleep was not one that was on my
list. In the Son-Rise Program®, we have successfully helped hundreds
of children learn to put themselves to sleep. Our children simply never
learnt that skill, and we can easily teach it. Many of us do not give our
children this opportunity. Instead we do some version of the following
routines:
• Rocking them lovingly to sleep in your arms.
• Lulling them to sleep by putting them in the car and driving
them around.
• Letting them fall asleep in front of the TV, or on the sitting
room couch.
• Lying down beside them with your arms stroking their back.
 Sleeping 179

• Literally being their pillow or mattress.

• Reading them a book until they are sound asleep.
Once they awake to find themselves, not in the car, or on the couch or
without their Mom or Dad, they go immediately to find the thing that
will help them sleep again. Which is you! It makes logical sense that
they would come and wake you up. If they had learnt to put themselves
to sleep they would most likely turn over and put themselves back to
sleep. In order to help them learn this skill we have to give them
the opportunity to do this by leaving their bedroom before they are
completely asleep.

Teach our children that nighttime is for sleeping

py
When our children wake up at nighttime and indicate that they want
food or drink, some of us may go downstairs and get them a drink or
cook them food. By doing this we teaching them that nighttime is a
co
time to eat. They may ask us to sing a song, or want to see bubbles,
so we oblige teaching them nighttime is a time to play. Our children
can sometimes be at their most interactive and affectionate during the
ew

night. This may be due to the fact that nighttime is often when our
houses are quiet, with the rest of the family sleeping and they have
our undivided one-on-one attention. I can understand wanting to take
vi

advantage of that, however it teaches our children that nighttime is

for playing. If you teach your children that only sleep happens at
re

nighttime, they will be more likely to sleep. A well-slept child and

parent will have more opportunities to play during the day than a
tired one.

EXERCISE 10.1 [AQ]

Find out what you are teaching your child about nighttime by taking
a moment to think about what you do with your child in the night.
What do you say to them? Do you play with them, sing to them, feed
them, hug and kiss them, read stories, or watch TV with them? Do
you give them a bath, crawl into their bed, bring them into your bed?
Write down exactly what you do, reflect on what you wrote and see
what you are teaching them about nighttime.
180 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

FOOD CAN PLAY A PART IN OUR

CHILDREN’S SLEEPING PATTERN
Dairy products, sugar, and food additives, [AQ] and eating them just
before you go to bed, are three of the most common food substances
that contribute to sleep disturbances.

Dairy products
There have been studies that have linked a sensitivity/intolerance or
allergy to casein, a protein that is found in all dairy products, to night
waking, in particularly night laughter or night talking. If your child
wakes up in fits of laughter over nothing that you are party to, or
babbles or chats to himself, I would suggest that you try eliminating
dairy products from his diet for at least three months and see if that

py
makes a difference. (See chapter 12 for ideas on how to do this.) If
your child is sensitive to dairy it can also cause lethargy during the
co
day, causing them to sleep during the day and be up at night.

Sugar
ew

Sugar is a stimulant. It increases our children’s energy tenfold. I know

that you have seen this with your own children. You give them sugar and
everything speeds up. You yourself might reach for something sugary
vi

as a way to give yourself an energy boost. A teacher once told me that

on “treat” days, which were days when a child brought in a birthday
re

cake, or it was Halloween or another holiday, they would hand out

the sugary treats only 20 minutes before they sent the children home.
So that they did not have to deal with the children’s “hyperactivity”
and the chaos that 20 children “on sugar” creates. Needless to say we
do not want to give our children something that will help them stay
awake just before or near bedtime. Please read chapter 12 for more on
sugar, and how to take sugar out of your child’s diet.
I worked with a family who had a 12-year-old girl with autism
who had never slept through the night. Her family were at their wits’
end having not slept a full night in 12 years. She was very partial
to sugar. Her parents and I went through everything she ate, it all
contained sugar. Her parents agreed to experiment with slowly taking
sugar out of her diet. Once they had successfully eliminated this
 Sleeping 181

completely from her diet, she started to sleep through the night for
the first time in her life. Her parents employed no other strategies, this
was the only thing they did.

Eating just before bed

Feeding our children just before they go to sleep can produce two
things.
• Energy surge—food is supposed to refuel us and give us
energy to run, skip, walk and dance. This is not what we want
when putting our children to bed.
• Indigestion—making it hard to fall to sleep. You might have
experienced that yourself, wishing you had not eaten a heavy
meal so late.
py
Additives, soda, caffeine, and chocolate are all stimulants, that would
co
be wise to eliminate from your child’s diet to help with sleeping
issues. Eating any of these items just before bedtime will make it near
impossible for our children to fall asleep.
My godchildren had what is called, “last call for food.” This is after
ew

their evening meal and no later than an hour and a half before their
official bedtime. Once this is over there is no additional food offered
or given before bedtime. Their parents have used this since they were
vi

very young and they have always both slept through the night with
ease (including the period of time when my goddaughter had her Son-
re

Rise Program®).

CREATE A ROUTINE AND STICK TO IT

Our bodies respond very well to sleeping routinely. I wake up at 6am
whether my alarm goes off or not, simply because my body is used to
waking up at that hour. I start getting tired at 10pm the time I usually
go to sleep. My body knows my pattern because it is a routine that I
have developed over time.
A study of sleep activity in kindergarten-aged children suggests
that the more we sleep the more we want to sleep (REF??) [AQ]. Thus
the more opportunities we give our children to sleep the more over
time they will sleep. Sleep begets sleep.
182 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

Eight secrets to a successful sleeping routine

Secret 1: Explain the new set-up to your child
With this new mindset and resolve we want to communicate this new
set-up to our children. The day before and the day you decide to
change your bedtime routine explain in detail to your child what is
going to happen. Spend some time explaining to them that if they
wake in the night you are not going to come in and lie with them any
more as you want to help them learn to put themselves back to sleep.
Tell them that they get to sleep the whole night in their own beds.
Tell them that you are still here in the house and love them very much
and that you know that they are going to be able to do it, that you will
see them in the morning and have a lovely breakfast. Use a fun upbeat
tone while explaining this. Then give them a “bedtime buddy.” Bryn
Hogan, my great friend and fellow Senior Son-Rise Program® teacher

py
created the idea of “bedtime buddies.” You buy a large or mid-sized
soft teddy or doll. Each of you, Mom and Dad take a T-shirt that you
co
have slept in for a couple of nights and put it on the “bedtime buddy.”
This is so great because your child’s new bedtime buddy will actually
smell of you, bringing a little of Mom and Dad into their own bed.
ew

Secret 2: Set the scene

It’s one hour before bedtime, our children have just finished their last
vi

call for food. Start to create a peaceful and calming atmosphere in

the house. You are letting your child’s body calm down and helping
re

prepare them for sleep. Turn off any computer games or TV that
may excite. Turn on some peaceful music, “Sleepy Baby” from Brain
Technologies is specially designed to promote sleep (REF??). [AQ]
Put this on at a low volume in the background and see if you notice a
difference, not only in your children but yourself. Play peaceful quiet
games with your children, stay away for games such as tickle, and rough
and tumble. These games can energize and over-excite our children.
If they ask for these games, explain to them that it is nearly bedtime,
so you would love to play tickle or rough and tumble tomorrow. Now
you would love to cuddle with them and read a book, or do a puzzle.
If it is summertime draw some of the curtains, letting them know
that bedtime is approaching, if it is winter, dim the overhead lights, or
turn them off and put on a smaller lamp.
 Sleeping 183

Forty-five minutes before bed, start to either go upstairs or move to

their bedroom sleeping area. This will give you time to give your child
a bath before the final stages of the bedtime routine. Each of these
steps will become indicators for your child to register it is bedtime and
they may even cause the body to become sleepy.

Secret 3: Allow your child to cry

Allowing our children to cry in the short term will help them sleep in the long
term. Our children’s crying is usually the Achilles heel of the bedtime
routine. The most common reason our children do not have a regular
bedtime or sleep through the night is because we find it hard to listen
to them cry for us. I understand this. Sometimes our children can cry
for an hour or more before falling asleep. We know that as soon as

py
we go in, and either get into their beds, or have them get into ours
they will most likely stop crying and go to sleep. Or if we go to them
and stay with them, they will stop crying and then the rest of the
co
household will not be disturbed. This, however, is just a temporary
band aid, and will only ensure that this continues for years to come.
The solution is to help them sleep by themselves by not going to them
ew

when they cry.

Some of you may fear that if you do not go to them they will
think we have abandoned them, or do not love them. I would like to
vi

suggest a different mindset. One that will help you stand strong in
your conviction that letting your child cry is not a mean or terrible
re

thing but actually is a loving and helpful act for your child. It always
helps if we can think of the bigger picture. Which is that you love your
child. Your child knows that you love them. You have not abandoned
them. Most of our children can’t even conceive of a world where we
would not be there. You are right here. You have provided a wonderful
warm and caring home for your child. They are safe, and all is well.
Crying themselves to sleep a couple of times will not harm them or
your relationship. It will actually help them and your relationship. As
I talked about before, helping your child sleep through the night will
help them focus and connect more to you. It will help them learn new
things and process the things they have already learnt. All of these
benefits will help your relationship with them. The best thing you
could do for them in this moment is to teach them to fall asleep by
themselves. If we give them the opportunity to do so, they will learn
184 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

this. Letting them cry in the short term will serve them much more in
the long term.
Another point to keep in mind. I was helping one mom with her
worries about letting her child cry in the night and not going to him
and taking him into her bed. When I asked her why she felt she could
not do that, she said he had enough to deal with and he deserved
the comfort of his mom during the night. Afterwards she burst out
laughing. I asked her why she was laughing. To which she said, “Who
am I kidding? Half the time in the middle of the night I am tired and
grumpy, hardly the comforting mom I just talked about.” We chuckled
together at the reality of this. We are tired and understandably we are
not at our best in the middle of the night. This realization helped her
to resist going to her son in the middle of the night and to change his
sleeping routine.

•
In short form:
py
It is ok if he cries, it will not scar him for life, we have all at
co
one point or another cried ourselves to sleep and woken up
the next day perfectly fine.
• It is an important life skill he is learning that he will use every
ew

night for the rest of his life.

• By letting him cry and giving him the opportunity to put
himself back to sleep I am helping him get rest and rejuvenate
vi

his body, which will promote health and leave him rested for
his therapies or school.
re

• I have made my child’s room safe so I know he is ok.

• My child is loved, well fed and well taken care of, he knows
this and will not hold this moment against me.
• I will get through this moment and so will he.
This means not going into our child’s bedroom when they wake up
and cry for you in the middle of the night. It means not lying down
with them until they fall asleep. Which means leaving their bedroom
when they are sleepy but not fully asleep so that they can practice
putting themselves to sleep.
 Sleeping 185

Secret 4: Take your child back to their bedroom

If your child wakes up and comes into your bed in the night, it can
be so tempting to just let them stay in your bed. Sometimes they get
in and fall immediately back to sleep. You are tired and it seems easier
in the moment to do that. I have been there too! Go back to your
bigger picture. You want them to be able to sleep through the night
independently in their own bed. This will serve the best in the long
run. If they are coming into your bed in the night, it is a sign that they
still need you to be there to put themselves back to sleep. You will not
always be there. Help them learn this by taking them back to their
own room immediately. As you do this you can remind them that they
are now going to sleep in their own bed all night. Keep doing this as
many times as they come in. It may take only one time for your child
to get this. It may take 20 times the first night of you taking them back

py
to their room. Keep doing this, if we persist our children will get it.
Francis was three years old and had always slept in his parents’
bed. They implemented all the strategies in this chapter. They had to
co
take him back to his own room 30 times the first night, only six the
second and none at all on the third night. Since then he has slept in
his own room all night. It takes less time that we think. Think about
ew

it this way, a couple nights of being up is a small price to pay for a

lifetime of your child sleeping through the night independently in
their own room.
vi

Some of our children will just leave their bedrooms after you have
finished their bedtime routine and left their bedroom. First consider
re

your reaction when they leave their rooms at night.

• Are you playful with your child when they leave their room?
Do you chase and tickle them back into bed? Do you let them
stay downstairs for ten minutes when they come down? Do
you have a full conversation with them, or hug and rock them
as they sit in your laps?
• Do your react in a “negative’ way, by shouting at them, giving
them a long explanation as to why they cannot come out of
their rooms, or showing your frustration and displeasure in
a dramatic way. This could have turned into a button push
(see chapter 6) where they want to come out just to see your
reaction.
186 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

All the reactions listed above, or other versions of the same, make
it fun and interesting for your child to leave their room. The idea is
to make it completely boring and uninteresting for your child, by
remaining calm and easy and keeping your fun and playful side only
for the daytime by doing one of the following.
• Take your child back to their bedroom each time they
come down. Do this is an easy but uninteresting way. This
means: do not engage in a lengthy conversation with them;
do not engage in any attempts by them to play a game with
you; do not get them food or water, or let them watch any
TV. (Of course if they are sick then tend to any needs they
might have.) You may have to do this up to 30 times in the
course of one night, but if you do it religiously straight away
each time, it usually only takes three or four nights for them

py
to change this habit. If your child is one of those who keeps
coming out frequently, it may serve you to stay right outside
co
their room for a while so their trip outside of their room
remain uninteresting. Remember, if you invest the time now
you will reap the benefits later. This method is effective no
matter how old your child is. In the initial few days that you
ew

start doing this make sure that you keep activity in the rest
of the house to a minimum. If your child really likes TV or
computer games, do not have anyone in your house using the
vi

TV or computer while your child is learning to stay in their

room and put themselves to bed, they may be leaving their
re

rooms just so they could have one more glimpse at the TV or

chance at the computer.
• Put up a gate at your child’s door. This works great for
younger children. Make sure that it is high enough so your
child cannot climb over it.
• Lock your child’s bedroom door. This is a quick and
easy method to keep your child in their bedroom. This is
just another boundary to help your child get the their much-
needed sleep. We all create boundaries for our children. We
lock the front door at nighttime, so that our children do not
leave the house alone and get hurt. For some of you, locking
your child’s bedroom door at night may be no different. You
 Sleeping 187

may have a child who gets up at night and goes down into the
rest of the house and plays with appliances that are dangerous
for them. Your child may do this without waking you, so it
would prove necessary and helpful to your child to lock their
door to keep them safe. If you want to do this, know that you
are doing this to benefit your child not to punish them in any
way. Let them know that their door will be locked and why
this is so. Put a camera baby monitor in your child’s room so
you can see what is going on in there. Make sure your child’s
room is completely safe for them (see secret 6.) If your child is
potty trained put a camping potty (see p.000) in their room so
they can use it if necessary. This is to help them stay in their
room and learn to sleep through the night.
If you have an older child or adult who you can have a conversation

py
with and can reason with them, create a “staying in their room” deal.
Give them control over what time they are to stay in their room, give
co
them a choice of three times. Make all the times you give be times you
want them to be in their room. Giving them the choice will help them
feel that they are in control. For example, tell them that now they are
older they can choose when they are to go to their bedroom and stay
ew

in there for the night out of the following times: 8pm, 8.30pm or
8.45pm. Also have them choose the time in which the lights will be
turned off, for example, 8.30pm, 8.45pm or 9pm. If you have a child
vi

that will constantly change their minds, then let them know that once
we have picked a time then it will be that time for the whole month,
re

at then end of that month they can choose again if they wish from the
same timeframes.
The above negotiations will help your child feel that they are
choosing their bedtime, and thus help them stick to their agreements
more easily instead of railing against your authority.

Secret 5: Make their own room a fun place to be

Redesign your child’s bedroom to make it a fun place for them to be.
If your child has been sleeping most of their nights in your bedroom,
then they may be either unfamiliar with their own bedroom or it may
just have become a storage place instead of an actual bedroom.
188 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

Explain to your child that they are old enough now to sleep the
whole night in their own room and you are going to make their room
warm and cozy for them. Maybe you buy a new comforter or duvet
cover with your child’s favorite character, car, or football team on it.
Maybe you get them a night-light or a new soft toy to sleep with, or
some new bedtime books to read to them. Show these things to your
child with great excitement, while you are actually in their bedroom.

Secret 6: Make their room safe

Take a look at your child’s bedroom from the point of view of safety.
As we have already discussed we will not be going into our child’s
room when they are crying in the night, we will want to know that
they are super safe. Thus it is very important for you to make their
room very safe. So consider the following:
• py
If your child is a climber, where will they most likely climb?
co
Then make that impossible to do. You can do this by taking
out chairs or dressers that they may climb on. If your child’s
bed will give them access to climbing, then take the frame out
and have your child sleep on a mattress on the floor—futon
ew

style.
• If your child likes to chew on things, make sure there is nothing
vi

your child can chew on and break leaving a sharp edge.

• Make sure there are no small items your child may eat and
re

choke on.
• You can also fit their bedroom with a camera baby monitor so
you can see what they are up to when they are crying in the
night without actually physically showing up. This will give
you extra peace of mind.

Secret 7: Let them fall asleep by themselves in their own beds

We want to leave our children’s bedroom before they are actually
asleep. That means if you used to read to your child until they were
asleep, now still read but just stop before they are asleep. If you used
to lie down with them, sing or rock them until they were asleep, still
do this ritual but just stop and leave the room before they are asleep.
 Sleeping 189

If you don’t stop and leave them to fall asleep by themselves, you rob
them of the opportunity to learn this important life skill.

Secret 8: Make no exception

The magic of a sleep routine is the consistency with which it is carried
out. There may be times when you think that it would just be easier
if you let your child sleep in your bed “just this one time.” Often that
“one time” becomes the pattern. If we are to help our children change
their sleeping pattern, it is important that we give their bodies a chance
to acclimatize to that change by giving them consistent opportunities
to do just that. It may seem, like “just one time” to you but may disrupt
their body rhythms, or their belief that you now mean it when you
say it is bedtime.

py
There is one circumstance where it would be prudent not to stick
to your bedtime routine—if there is some kind of an emergency such
as a fire. Which of course is obvious! Even when your child is sick you
co
can still stick to your routine, and have them sleep in their bedroom. If
you need to tend to your child during the night, giving them medicine,
helping them if they are having a coughing fit, make a bed up for
ew

yourself in their room. That way you can still nurse them through their
illness and keep them used to sleeping through the night in their own
bed without you. Many parents tell me that their children get off their
vi

bedtime routine and start to sleep in their bed again after a bout of
illness. This does not have to be the case.
re

If you are to achieve the dream of having children who sleep

through the night, change your “just one time” mindset to “ I will do
what it takes to help support this new routine.”—You can do it!

Some helpful sleep routine possibilities

You can pick any one of the following routine time outlines and use
them, or you can create a routine of your own. It does not really matter
what you do, the effectiveness lies in how you do your routine, and in
the eight secrets outlined above. In this next section I have suggested
different times and different bedtime activities, you can choose one
exactly as I have written it or adjust the activities to what you think
will suit your child best. Even if your child is two to five years old read
the other age group activities I suggest, as these may be more suited to
190 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

your child. In the younger age groups I have suggested that you give
your child a bath before bedtime, the warm water can (serve to) help
soothe your child. However you can bath your child at any time of the
day, it does not have to be part of the bedtime routine.

For a child 2–5 years old

5pm Dinner
6.15pm Bath-time
6.40pm Read two stories, sing one song, arrange all their soft
toys in a certain order, lie down with them and cuddle for five
minutes, kiss goodnight.
7pm
py
Turn off light and leave bedroom.
co
For a child 6–8 years old
5.30pm Dinner
ew

6.45pm Bath-time
7.10pm Lie with your child in their bed while you both listen
to some soothing music played quietly in the background, rub
vi

their feet or head.

re

7.30pm Turn off light and leave bedroom.

For a child 9–14 years old

6.00pm Dinner
7.00pm Last call for food
7.30pm Bath-time
8.10pm Read three stories to your child. You could hold your
child’s hand or stroke their head if they allow you.
8.30pm Turn on some background music, turn off light, and
leave the bedroom.
 Sleeping 191

For a child older than 14 years old

6pm Dinner
7pm Last call for food
8pm Start to set the scene for bedtime.
8.30 In bedroom, you read them stories, or leave them to
read a little by themselves if they can read, or look at magazines or
picture books if they cannot, or leave them to play a little in their
room with their preferred calm item of choice (no TV or DVDs).
9pm Come back, say goodnight, and turn their lights out.

THE STORY OF JOANNA

py
Joanna the six-year-old girl with autism we met on p.000 could stay up
for 36 hours at a time, or only seem to need one hours sleep a night.
co
Her mom would attempt to go to bed herself, only to be woken up
by her child shouting at her until she got out of bed went down stairs
with her, turned the TV on, and gave her a bowl of cereal. Joanna did
ew

not want her mom to interact with her, but she also wanted her mom
to sit on the sofa while Joanna divided her attention between dropping
“magnetic letters” in front of her eyes and watching TV. Each time her
mom tried to get up she would scream and pull her down onto the
vi

sofa. Her mom stayed thinking that she had to.

re

Joanna’s Mom simply could not go on with getting so little sleep. I

helped her create a good routine and she was determined to stick with
it. It worked perfectly.
She did the following strategies:
• Not going to her in the night when she cried.
• Helping her stay in her bedroom by putting up a gate.
• Making her room super safe.
• Making her room fun for her by getting her some My Little
Ponies, which she loved just for bedtime.
• Making no exceptions. Always putting her to bed in her own
room at 7.30pm.
• Leaving her to fall asleep by herself.
192 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

The first night she was put to bed at 7.30pm, when her mom left her
room she was wide awake showing no signs of being sleepy. Her mom
left anyway, teaching her that playtime was over and that nighttime
had begun. Half an hour later she started to cry, she cried for her mom
for approximately two hours. She stopped crying but she stayed awake
playing in her room until 2am. Her mom found her asleep in one
corner and picked her up and put her in her bed. The next day she did
not cry for her mom, she played in her room, and was found asleep in
the same corner at midnight. Over the two weeks she slept earlier and
earlier, until she slept from approximately 8pm until 7am.
Nighttime was no longer interesting to her. Her mom, TV, and food
were no longer available to her. In their absence the only interesting
thing to do was to go to sleep. The more she slept the more her body
got used to sleeping the more she was able to sleep. Her mom wished

py
she had done it years earlier. She was so amazed at simply how easy
it was to do.
co
TROUBLESHOOTING
Why is it not a good idea for my child to fall asleep watching TV in their
ew

bedroom?
It is not uncommon for households to have not just one or two TVs,
but a TV and a DVD player in every bedroom. It could be a great
vi

temptation to leave your child to fall asleep in front of the TV, replacing
yourself as a sleeping device with the TV. The difficulty with this is
re

once your child wakes in the night they will need the TV on again to
lull themselves back to sleep. The idea we are looking for here is to
teach your child how to soothe themselves to sleep using no outside
mechanism. There have also been studies that show that watching TV
and playing computer games can decrease the amount of hours a child
or adult sleeps (e.g. REF??) [AQ]. Concluding that if you reduce your
child’s screen time you may help increase their sleep time.

I live in an apartment building and I am concerned that if my child cries, the

neighbors may be troubled.
This may be a concern for many families living in blocks of flats/
apartments. One way round this that has worked well for a number
of families I have worked with is either to write a letter or knock
 Sleeping 193

on the doors of the neighbors who may be affected and explain the
situation. That you are helping your child with autism learn how to
sleep through the night in their own bed, which means that they may
cry for a couple of days, and that you would appreciate their support
in this matter. Then you could bake them some cookies, or offer to
help them with some task, inviting their co-operation and generosity.
This communication often helps nourish others’ understanding and
kindness.
I am sure that some of you who read this suggestion may be
thinking “Ok, that is totally not me, I can’t do something as forward as
that.” If you are one of those people, remember that you are doing this
for your child. Remind yourself of all the benefits they will be getting
by having a good night’s sleep, and take the plunge. Sometimes we
have to leave our habitual comfort zones and do daring action to get

py
what we want. Or, you might be surprised, as many parents are, that
your child does not cry at length and this issue never arises! Or, your
child only cries for one night, which the neighbors have certainly
co
already heard.

My child will fall asleep in his bed but then will come into my bed in the middle
ew

of the night? I do not mind, should I stop him?

This is your child and how you want to parent them is up to you, if
you want him to sleep with you there is nothing wrong with this.
vi

One thing for you to consider is that our children can become very
attached to routines. In my experience I have not heard a child on the
re

autism spectrum who magically decided that they wanted to sleep

alone in their own bed. So consider the long-term outcome of having
your child in your bed. How are they going to learn this if we do not
teach it to them?

If I put my child to sleep at 7.30pm, he will wake up before 5am.

This may be the case to begin with, but remember sleep begets sleep,
the longer you leave your child in the morning the more likely your
child will change their pattern and sleep through the night. If your
child does wake up at 5am, do not go to them until 5.30am, then a
week later do not go to them until 5.45am, then the next week do not
go to them until 6am, and so forth. By doing this you will be helping
your child to extend the amount of time they sleep.
194 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

Teaching children to put themselves to sleep as described earlier in

this chapter will help them put themselves to sleep again if they wake
in the early hours of the morning.
Oftentimes parents will leave toys that their children like to
entertain themselves with when they wake. I would not suggest this
in the case of a child getting up too early. You do not want to give
them any reason to get up and play. That does not mean that you
cannot have some soft toys or books or magazines, just not electronic
or otherwise more stimulating toys.
I would also suggest that you have blackout curtains in your child’s
room so that no sunlight gets in to wake your child. Also check for
other sounds that might cause your child to wake, such as the heating
or other system clicking on at 5am.

SLEEPING ACTION CHECKLIST [AQ]

py
co
• Get solid in your new bedtime mindset. See the bigger picture
for your child. That sleeping regularly through the night will
be of great benefit to them. It will help them focus, connect,
and learn new things.
ew

• Teach your child that bedtime is for sleeping not for playing.
• Leave your child’s room before they are actually asleep. Thus
vi

creating the opportunity for them to learn to put themselves

to sleep.
re

• Create a bedtime routine and stick to the same timeframe and

actions.
• Explain to your child their new routine, and that if they call
for you in the night you are here, but will not be coming in.
That you will see them in the morning.
• Give your child their new bedtime buddy.
• Check your child’s diet and make sure that they are not eating
foods that will keep them up rather than helping them sleep.
• Set the scene for bedtime an hour before. Only quiet calm
activities during this time.
 Sleeping 195

• If your child leaves their bedroom, take them back immediately.

• If your child comes into your bed at night, take them back to
their bed immediately.
• Let them cry without going in to their bedrooms. It will
help them be able to put themselves back to sleep with your
assistance.
I am so excited for your new bedtime plan! Go for it! Keep the big
picture in mind. What you want for your child is to be able to sleep
through the night in his own bed.

py
co
ew
vi
re
re
vi
ew
co
py
 Chapter 11

SELF-HELP SKILLS

This chapter is dedicated to self-help skills, such as taking a bath,

getting dressed, washing hair, brushing teeth, clipping nails, cutting
hair, and learning to wear deodorant. I will talk about how we can
make it easier for our children to allow us to do these things for them,

py
and how to encourage our children to do these tasks for themselves.
When you think of attempting one of the above-mentioned
activities, does it fill you with delight or dread? Is it something you
co
want to get over as quickly as possible? If this is true for you, then the
first place to start is with a change of attitude.
Sometimes we can view the self-help skills of self-grooming as a
ew

chore that has to be done, one to get over as quickly as possible so

the “real” fun or the “real” learning can begin. This means that it is
often done in a fast, and un-enjoyable way for our children. Seeing
vi

this time with our children as important and valuable will completely
change the way you approach the activity, thus changing the way your
re

child responds. The following perspectives may help you embrace its
importance.
• They are a step toward their independence. The more our
children take care of themselves, dress themselves, clean their
own teeth, take a bath, the more self-sufficient they become
taking a great step toward their independence.
• They will translate into you having more time. The more
our children can do things for themselves, the more time we
will have to take care of the other things we want to do for our
families and for ourselves.
• They can help strengthen your relationship. Whether
we are changing our children’s clothes, brushing their teeth,

197
198 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

or giving them a bath, we are interacting with them. This

interaction is valuable. It is a time when we can show them our
love, our tenderness, and the warmth of human interaction. It
is time when we show them that we can be trusted. A time
to show them that we will listen. From these interactions we
have a chance to understand their sensory challenges on a
deeper level. Above all, it is a time to savor, rather than rushing
through to the illusion of a better interaction or learning
experience. We may spend an hour or more a day with our
children in this way—if you are a working mom or dad, then
this may be the only one-on-one time you spend with your
children, getting them dressed in the morning, bathing them,
putting them to bed, let this time be a time that sets the tone
of your relationship.
•
py
They will help our children become socially successful.
Self-grooming skills are just as helpful to a person’s social life
co
as any other skill they may learn. If our children allow us to
cut their hair, it won’t fall into their eyes and they will be
more able to see the world and make eye contact with the
people around them. If their nails are neatly cut, they will not
ew

accidently scratch anyone as they reach out and play with their
peers. If our children learn to have fun keeping themselves
clean and presentable, they are more likely to develop a pride
vi

in their appearance and develop their own particular style and

“look.” All these can translate into a greater social ease.
re

• They are fun activities for you and your child. I would
suggest that you do not label self-grooming skills as a task or
chore. When we think of doing a chore, it is usually something
we want to get over and done with as quickly as possible.
Tasks and chores are usually associated with the interaction
of objects, such as ironing, washing the kitchen floor, and
mowing the lawn, rather than something we do that includes
another person. So perhaps we can shift our perception to
seeing the development of self-help skills with our child as
an activity or game. Now we might think—A game? How
can a self-grooming activity be a game? A game is something
you do with another person, how is this different? There are
 Self-Help Skills 199

millions of different games. The common factor is that it is

something that people enjoy and have fun engaging with.

THE SECRET INGREDIENTS TO YOUR SUCCESS

Make it fun! Be enthusiastic!
Fun is an essential ingredient to developing self-help skills. It is the
secret weapon that will bring our children running to the bathroom
with a smile on their faces. If we do not enjoy the activity we are
asking our children to do, why should they?
Believing that the activity itself is important for your child will
mean that we will want to take more care and time focusing on it. The
second step is to believe that they can be fun and enjoyable for you! In
order to inspire our children to want do these activities we must make

py
it fun and motivating for our children. We will be the most successful
at that when we sincerely believe that the activity is fun. The way to
do that is to believe that “fun” or “enjoyment” is in our attitude not
co
the activity itself.
People like to do different things, they like snooker, swimming,
skiing, cooking, reading, movies, eating out, tango dancing, tap
ew

dancing, disco dancing, ice skating, rugby, running, working out,

knitting, etc. Everyone likes different activities. If it were the actual
game or the activity that made it fun and exciting then everybody
vi

would enjoy the same activities. Soccer might arguably been the most
universal and widespread game enjoyed by people around the globe,
re

but even that is not enjoyed by everyone. It is what the person actually
decides to believe about the game that makes it fun and exiting for
them. Maybe it was something the whole family played and it was the
warmth of the whole family playing together that brought enjoyment
to the game. Maybe it was the thrill of being celebrated for being
good at a particular sport that added to the fun of the game. What we
associate with the game can be more meaningful than the actual act of
the game itself. In short this means that we are in charge of how much fun we
have at any given moment, with any activity.
200 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

Transform the experience from dull to fun for yourself

EXERCISE 11.1
Take a self-grooming skill you do for yourself, any skill that you do
not think is fun or enjoyable and do the following 5 things:
• Get “in the moment.” When we do our own self-grooming
activities we are often not in the moment. I am sure you will
relate to thinking about your day while you are brushing your
teeth so much so that you hardly even notice the sensations
of brushing your teeth. Next time you brush your teeth, or
get yourself dressed, decide to pay attention to the activity
at hand.
• Enjoy one thing. Now that you are being present with your
own self-grooming activity, find one thing about a previously
“boring” activity that you can get excited about. For instance,

py
when you are brushing your teeth it might be the minty taste
of your toothpaste. Or the way the toothbrush feels as it
glides across your teeth. As you are getting dressed it may
co
be the feel of the clothes on your skin. Or the perfect way the
buttons fit into the button-holes as you do them up.
• Remind yourself. The next time you are about to do this
ew

activity for yourself, remind yourself of the one thing you like
about it and begin to anticipate its delight. Actively build
this excitement as you walk to the bathroom, or room in
which the activity is to take place.
vi

• Slow down the activity. When you do that particular part of

re

the activity you like the most, slow it down and really savor
it as if you are eating your favorite food.
• Celebrate. Once finished, celebrate yourself for doing a
particularly great job. Celebrate yourself out loud as you look
in the mirror and admire the great job you just did.
• Share the celebration. Share what you enjoyed with a
member of your family. Talking about what you enjoy makes
it bigger.

The more you actively look for enjoyment the more likely you will
find it. Enjoyment will build the more you decide to experience it,
and when you talk about your enjoyment you confirm this to yourself.
It’s like watering seeds: when we water the seeds of enjoyment, it is
 Self-Help Skills 201

enjoyment that grows. Your enjoyment is important because the more

you enjoy an activity the more likely you will share this activity in a
fun and inspiring way with your children.

Transform the experience from dull to fun for your child

Use your child’s motivations. Make it fun for your child by marrying
your child’s existing motivations to the self-grooming goal you have
for them. The more our children are motivated and enjoy an activity
the easier it is for them to learn. So let’s take what our children already
really enjoy and these self-help skills and put them together. Remember,
this is not about giving our child’s motivation as a reward once the
self-help skill is done, it is about putting your child’s motivation at
the center of the self-help skill. If you do not already know what your

py
child is really motivated by, complete Exercise 4.1 (p.000) which will
help you get a clear understanding of what your child likes.
For example:
co
• If your child likes it when you talk in a funny voice, make
funny voices as you/they brush their teeth.
ew

• If they like the movie Cars, get a toothbrush with the car
characters on it.
• If your child loves numbers, then count out loud or draw
vi

numbers for them as you/they brush their teeth.

re

• If your child loves to talk about the weather, pretend you’re

brushing your teeth in a thunderstorm or blizzard.
Often when our staff at the Autism Treatment Center of America
teach a child to brush their teeth for the first time, or help a child
successfully sit through nail clipping, the parents believe we have
achieved a miracle! Really, what we have done is made the activity
fun, fun, fun!!
More fun ideas are can be found in each of the self-grooming categories later in
the chapter.
202 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

Be sensitive to your child’s sensory experience

Anything that comes into contact with our children’s bodies may be
an overwhelming experience. An experience so unlike our own that it
is hard for us to imagine. That is why it is so important not only to
give a huge amount of control but also to really observe our children’s
responses carefully.
Even if our children are not overly sensitive to their surroundings,
think of the usual things that are involved with self-grooming:
• strong-tasting toothpaste
• shampoo that stings the eyes
• hard tooth brushes that can slip and bruise the gums
• strong-smelling soaps, deodorant, and conditioners
•
•
people doing things to our faces
soaps that can dry out the skin
py
co
• hot and cold water
• rough bath towels and face flannels
ew

• sounds of a hair buzzer, an electric razor, or hair dryers

• snap of the toenail clippers
vi

• hard hair brushes with spiky teeth.

re

Our child’s prior experience with one of the above may have been
unpleasant enough for them to decide that they will not go near it
again. Sometimes they may try to avoid the bathroom altogether. It
may have been a time where they got soap in their eyes, the water was
too hot, or a scratchy towel feeling rough on their skin. Whatever it
was it was enough for them not to want to experience it again. What
we can do to minimize this?
• Use unscented hypoallergenic products that do not smell.
• Make sure that the towels you use are fresh from the tumble
dryer so that they are soft and fluffy, rather than rough or
damp.
 Self-Help Skills 203

• Buy buzzers or razors that make the least amount of sound

possible.
• Find toothpaste that tastes reasonable, not too sweet, and not
too sharp.
• Test the water yourself, then dab a little on your child’s hand
or foot, and either watch their reaction to it or ask them how
it feels before they step into the bathtub.
• Go into your bathroom and look around from a sensory
perspective.
ºº Does your bathroom have a particular smell, either mildew
or over perfumed from toilet cleaners, air fresheners, and
other cosmetics? Find the culprit and get rid of them.

py
Exchange them for unscented products.
ºº Does it have a particular sound that may be overwhelming
co
for your child? Maybe a loud fan or hot water system? Does
your bathtub make a loud echoed sound when a bottle of
shampoo falls into it? Find out if there is anything you can
do to minimize these sounds.
ew

ºº How is the lighting in your bathroom? If it is florescent, it

may be particularly challenging for your child. Consider
vi

changing to incandescent lighting, which unlike florescent

lighting does not flicker or produce a hum.
re

EXERCISE 11.2
Before you start working on a self-grooming skill with your child,
take the time to observe your child interacting with all the toiletries
you use. Notice if they move toward some more than others. Notice
which ones they seem to avoid.
If your child is highly verbal ask them about their experience,
you could ask all or some of the following questions.
• Why do you like this toothpaste?
• Why do you not like this toothpaste?
• Why do you not want to take a bath or a shower?
• How does the shower feel on your skin?
204 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

• Do you like the smell of this shampoo?

• What kind of sounds do you hear in the bathroom?
• Why will you only wear “X” piece of clothing?
With this knowledge you can make the experience easier on your
child’s sensory system.

3. Take the fight out of the equation: Give control

If our children are to become open to engaging with self-grooming
activities, they must feel that they are in control of the situation. It
must be something that they can direct and accomplish at their own
pace, not something that is thrust upon them with no warning.
If you have held your child down to brush their teeth, or forced

py
them to cut or wash their hair, they most likely will associate these
activities with being held down, and with the struggle and lack of
co
control that ensues. You might believe that your child is frightened
of the toothbrush or nail clippers as they start to cry or run and hide
when they see them, not understanding that it is the struggle of being
held down that they are running from rather than the activity itself
ew

(see p.000). [AQ]

You may have got into the habit of holding your child down
because it is just easier to get the job done and then you can move on
vi

to something else. If you want your child to love brushing their own
teeth and allow you to easily brush their hair, then I would recommend
re

that you stop holding them down or forcing these activities upon
them as soon as possible. The idea is to we want to inspire our children
to want to brush their own teeth, to love getting their hair cut and
getting dressed. This is possible by putting into practice the following
strategies.

The control protocol

How to do this is detailed in chapter 1. If you have not yet read about
“giving control” in chapter 1, I would highly recommend that you do
this before putting the Control Protocol into practice, as this will give
you a deeper understanding of the protocol itself. You can also see a
video demonstration of the Control Protocol on YouTube [AQ].
 Self-Help Skills 205

• Use this protocol every time you do a self-grooming activity

with your child. This will ensue that you give them a sense
of control, and thus greatly increase your child’s openness to
doing the activity.
• Using the Control Protocol, you would take the following
steps:
1. Make sure your child can see you.
2. Tell them what you are doing.
3. Look for permission.
4. Stop if they indicate or say “no.”
Below is an example of how to implement this protocol with the self-
help skill of brushing teeth.
py
1. Position yourself in front of your child with the toothbrush in
co
your hand so that they can see what you are going to do.
2. Explain to them verbally what you are about to do. You could
say something like “I am going to brush your teeth so that
ew

we can make them nice and clean and keep them healthy and
strong. Open your mouth so that we can brush those lovely
teeth.”
vi

3. Slowly bring the toothbrush up to their mouths. As you that

look for permission to proceed. If they either open their
re

mouths, say “Yes”, and show no signs that they do not want
you to brush their teeth, go ahead and gently brush their teeth.
4. If they say “No” or indicate no by moving away or pushing the
toothbrush away, stop. It is very important that our children
feel that we will listen to their “No’s.”
The Control Protocol works! Giving our children control and
respecting their “No’s” helps them to become flexible and open to
activities they had previously resisted. This is true for every child I
have worked with, without exception. However, it does not mean that
it happens overnight. Once we give our children control in this way
they may want to test us, to see if we really mean it. Even if they say or
indicate no for a few weeks will we still stop and not force them. Stay
206 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

the distance. Once your child really believes that you will not force
them anymore, they will begin to open up and try because they trust
that you will stop if they say no.

Make friends with the activity

This applies to all self-help skills, such as hair brushing, taking a bath,
cutting finger and toe nails, brushing teeth, hair cutting, wearing
deodorant, and getting dressed. Do this by:
Letting them explore these objects without the threat of them
being used on them. For example, put a few toothbrushes around
the house where your child can reach them. When you are engaging
with your child, tickling, or playing, you can pick up a toothbrush
and tickle them with it. If your child is engaging with a soft toy

py
or a character, pretend that you are cleaning the characters or soft
toy’s teeth. This way your child begins to associate the object with
something pleasurable and fun, and may begin to move toward rather
co
than away from it. See each self-grooming category below for ideas
on how to do this.
ew

TOOTHBRUSHING
Concerned for your children’s teeth?
vi

Giving your children control over whether you brush their teeth or not
may sound unreasonable to you. You may think that if you give your
re

child control in this area they will just never clean their teeth again,
and then they will get cavities and that is another ordeal all by itself.
If you want your child to clean their teeth easily without you forcing
them, then giving control is the only way to go. There is just no other
way around it. You child has to feel that they can control what is
happening in order to open up to the teeth-cleaning experience. Once
they know that their “yes” or “no” will be respected then they may
dare to explore an experience that may have been painful for them.
The way to do this is for you to let go! Let go of them having clean
teeth for this present moment, and hold on to the dream of your child
making friends with the toothbrush and cleaning their teeth without
a fuss. Giving control is a very clear technique that will help pave the
way for your child to let go of any resistance they may have and to
 Self-Help Skills 207

become open to new experiences. Once they are more open, you will
have the highest chance of your child not only allowing you to brush
their teeth but also brushing their teeth themselves.
Control coupled with fun, delight and persistence will win in the long term
over pressure and force.
For those of you who are not quite sure, could you give your child
control over cleaning their teeth for just two weeks? Which would
mean that for two weeks whenever your child says or indicates “no”
to you brushing their teeth you stop. You stop “pushing” your child to
clean their teeth. During those two weeks you focus instead on making
brushing teeth a fun and motivating activity for your child. You drop
the “forcing” but you pick up the idea of helping your child, “make
friends with the toothbrush.” Using the concepts and the ideas listed
below. At the end of two weeks, if you are still not convinced that

py
this is the way to go, you can go back to your old system. You have
nothing to lose and a lot to gain. Read to the end of the toothbrushing
section and then decide.
co
During this two-week period there is a lot you can do to help
clean your children’s teeth other than brushing. Make sure that they
drink lots of water to help clean out their mouth. Have them munch
ew

on apples that help clean the plaque on their teeth. Feed your children
healthy foods, lay off soda and sugar, major culprits in helping rot
your children teeth.
vi

Be gentle
re

For those of you who brush your child’s teeth yourself, be aware that
it can be a very painful experience. If you are rough or slip by accident
and the toothbrush bangs into their gums, it hurts big time, and it
could be this pain that your child is moving away from. If you have
held your child down and forced a toothbrush into their mouths, this
has most likely happened many times.

Model toothbrushing
It is important to show or model toothbrushing and how fun it can be!
Have the whole family brush their teeth in a dramatic way. Just before
you want your child to brush their teeth have the whole family declare
that they are going to brush their teeth. Then all of you go into the
208 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

bathroom at the same time and brush your teeth in a synchronized

fashion to the beat of your child’s favorite song. Put out your child’s
toothbrush and toothpaste within easy reach just in case your child
wants to join in. Don’t feel that you have to force your child to watch
this event. If you do it in an obvious way, making sure that the TV or
the computer is off in the house, your child will know that it is going
on. Try this at least every day for a two-week period. Of course, you
don’t have to do it in the same way each time. You can get creative in
your own way.

Ideas for making friends with the toothbrush

The ideas listed below are designed to help your child get comfortable
with the toothbrush and toothpaste, as well as with the actual action

py
of brushing your teeth without it happening to them. That way they can
engage in the activity without the need to protect themselves against
the brushing. Our first intention is to simply get our child to enjoy the
co
toothbrush. At the beginning it is important not to ask or attempt to
brush your children teeth. We are just playing and exploring. If they
sense you are about to brush their teeth they will most likely move
ew

away from the experience. Once they have relaxed and are enjoying
playing with the toothbrush we can start to ask them to brush their
own teeth or have us brush their teeth. We want our children to feel
vi

no “push” or “pressure” from us to actually clean their teeth.

The games below are also an inspiration for you. Use them as
re

a springboard to design games that you think your child will be

motivated for. Each game builds from you doing something with the
toothbrush to your child actually engaging with the toothbrush. In
each game, part 1 is just you doing something fun with the toothbrush;
part 2 is about encouraging your child to interact with the toothbrush.

Spelling game
Part 1. You spell out different words with the toothbrushes.
Part 2. You ask your child to spell out a letter or word using
toothbrushes.
 Self-Help Skills 209

Microphone game
Part 1. You hold a toothbrush under your chin like a microphone. You
can hold one under your child’s chin as they sing too.
Part 2. Ask your child to hold a toothbrush under his or your own
chin as you sing their favorite song.

Drum game
Part 1. You bang and tap rhythms with the toothbrushes, take two
toothbrushes and bang out interesting rhythms on different surfaces.
Part 2. Ask your child to hold the toothbrush and bang it also.

Treasure hunt game

py
Part 1. You create a treasure hunt for your child where each clue is
taped to toothbrushes hidden around the room.
co
Part 2. Ask them to create a toothbrush treasure hunt for you.
ew

Story game
Part 1. Write a story about the case of the missing toothbrush, where
your child’s favorite character is the detective who solves the mystery.
vi

Part 2. Ask your child to act this out, have your child find the
re

toothbrush and bring it to you.

Joke game
Part 1. You take two toothbrushes and pretend that they are two
people telling each other silly jokes.
Part 2. Ask your child be the puppeteer of one of the toothbrushes.

Gift game
Part 1. You decorate a toothbrush with stickers, and give to Grandma
as a gift.
Part 2. Ask your child to decorate a toothbrush and give it as a gift.
210 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

Character game
Part 1. You make different characters talk about their favorite
toothbrush. Maybe Buzz Lightyear’s is red with moon and stars on it,
and Dora the Explorer’s has a backpack. You can draw each character’s
toothbrush.
Part 2. Ask your child draw the patterns the characters like on actual
toothbrushes.

Create your own design game

Part 1. You design your own toothbrush.
Part 2. Ask your child to design their own toothbrush.

Soft toy game py

Part 1. You line up all their soft toys and brush their teeth and put
co
them to bed.
Part 2. Ask your child to brush one of the soft toy’s teeth.
ew

Singing game
Part 1. You make up a song with actions. Have one of the actions
vi

be brushing your teeth. When you get to that part of the song, put
re

toothpaste on a toothbrush and actually brush your teeth.

Part 2. Ask your child to do the actions of the song too.

Race game
Part 1. Get some wind-up “chatter teeth.” Wind them up on a small
table and try to brush their teeth before they fall off the table.
Part 2. Invite your child to try to do the same.

Persist
While you are modeling tooth-brushing and helping your child make
friends with the process, do still ask your child to brush their own
 Self-Help Skills 211

teeth or offer to brush them for them each morning and night. As you
offer:
• Be excited. This could be the first time that your child
willingly lets you clean their teeth without resistance. Or
maybe it will be the first time that they hold the toothbrush
and put it in their mouth.
• If they say or indicate no, then give them control.
Highlight in a big way that you are giving them control. You
might say, “Thank you so much for telling me ‘no’ you will
not brush your teeth.” Make a big “happy” show of putting the
toothbrush away. Let them know that you are happy to give
them control in this way. This will clearly give the message
to your child that we are listening to them and give them a

py
heightened sense of control. Remember, the more control we
give the less controlling our children will become.
co
GETTING DRESSED
Allow plenty of time
ew

Successfully getting your child dressed in the morning is about

allocating a longer period of time than usual to the process. This will
mean that you do not feel rushed and pressured, thus alleviating your
vi

child of your pressure.

For your morning routine leave at least 1 hour to get your child
re

ready for school. That would include dressing, toothbrushing, and

breakfast. Feeling relaxed that there is plenty of time will help you
approach this skill with ease and give your child the necessary control.
Do as much as you can the night before so that you have more
time to help your child get dressed. Packing their school lunch and
school bag, and setting the breakfast table the night before will save
so much time and give you the time to focus on and interact with your
child.

Get them dressed first

This is such a small change but can yield amazing results. I was
consulting via Skype with the parents of a six-year-old boy called Ali.
212 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

One of the first areas they wanted help with was how to help their
child get dressed in time for the school bus. Unable to get him dressed
in time they had on many occasions either missed the school bus
altogether or sent him to school with his pajamas on. They wanted to
know how to accomplish this at the same time as giving him control.
What was happening was that every time they asked him to put on
an item of clothing he would say, “Yes, I will do that but you have to
sing a song to me first.” Once they had sung the song he would invent
another thing that they had to do, such as pretend to be an airplane
and fly him around the room. This could go on and on and on. They
both felt that they were being controlled by him, and wanted to know
how to shift this dynamic.
I asked them about his morning routine. They would get him up
and he would play with his toys while they made him breakfast, then

py
he would eat breakfast and get to play again, then they would go
and try and get him dressed for school. I asked if he was hungry and
motivated to eat and play with his toys. They said he was. The solution
co
we evolved was just to change the order of his routine. I suggested that
they get him dressed before he ate breakfast or played with his toys. I
suggested that they explain this change in his routine to him the night
ew

before they begin it.

The first morning that this new routine was in place they stayed
true to what they had said and every time he asked for his breakfast
vi

they said, “Yes, I will get you that as soon as you are dressed.” When he
asked to play with his toys, they said, “Yes, you can play with your toys
re

as soon as you are dressed.” They had put his toys away out of reach
until he was dressed so that he could not just help himself to them.
The second time I consulted with them, I asked how the new
strategy went. They said it was unbelievable, he took to it straight
away and it only took one day to implement and now he gets dressed
easily every day. Also he dresses himself instead of making them dress
him. One simple change transformed their morning from stressed to
easy.
Create a rule that your child needs to be dressed and washed
before they do anything else in the morning. That means that your
child will get dressed before breakfast, before any TV or computer
time. This will encourage your child to get on with the process of
dressing, especially if they are motivated by another activity that they
can only do after they are dressed. Doing it in this way may even give
 Self-Help Skills 213

your child some time to play after they have dressed, washed, and
eaten, thus transforming a previously stressed morning.
In order to make this happen make sure that the TV and the
computer are unplugged and not accessible to your child until they
have dressed and eaten. If your child has already left their bedroom in
the morning take their clothes to wherever they are, explain to them
that they can have the TV or breakfast once they are dressed. Set
your boundary lovingly but firmly (chapter 2), and they will soon get
familiar with the new morning routine.

Put your child’s clothes out the night before

Another useful strategy is to put your child’s clothes out the night
before. Show these clothes to your child so that they know in advance

py
what they will be wearing. If you have a highly verbal child, you can
include them in the decision-making process. Giving them this choice
may result in them being more motivated and flexible to wear them
co
the next day.

Making it happen
ew

Just ask your child

If your child is fine with you dressing them and you want to encourage
vi

them to dress themselves, just ask. Start with little steps and build-up
to the big things such as zippers and buttons.
re

While you are teaching your child to dress themselves make sure
you start with easy-to-handle clothes such as sweat pants and shirts
without buttons. Start with little steps such as:
• Help them step into their underwear and ask your child to pull
them up. If they try a little, celebrate their effort and do the
rest. Next time ask them to do a little more, keep challenging
them until they are able to get them all the way up. Do the
same with their trousers/pants.
• Hold out the trouser legs and ask them to step into them. Do
the same with their shirt and sweater showing them where to
put their hands. If you start the morning earlier, thus allowing
yourself more time, you will have the time to help your child
214 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

learn to take a bigger role in dressing themselves. They then

get to learn a new skill and you get even more time in the
morning!
• Once they have mastered the above steps, give them a pair of
trousers or a shirt and ask them to put it on themselves. If they
are having trouble, help them by putting on a pair of trousers
or shirt yourself so that they can copy how you do it.

Be fun and playful!

Be playful and fun as you ask your child to get dressed. For example,
when asking your child to step into his trouser leg:
• You could sing instead of just asking.
•
py
You could add a little imagination and pretend that the trouser
hole is a puddle and ask them to step into the “trouser puddle.”
co
When they put their foot in you could say, “Splash.”
• You could pretend that the trousers are asking. You could
pretend the trousers mouth is the top opening of the trousers
ew

and have them say in a silly trouser voice, “I want someone to

wear me. Will someone please put their foot into me. Oh I see
a lovely child here, will you wear me?”
vi

As you are bring the trousers over to them you could playfully wave
them in the air, making them do a trouser dance. Try making a fun
re

sound when you do the buttons or a zipper on your child’s clothing.

You could make an “clicking” noise as the button fit into their holes.
You could make a “zoom” sound as you do the zipper up. As they put
their arm into their jumper/sweater you could make a “whoosh” sound.
Not only might your child find these sounds funny or interesting it
brings an added sense of fun and delight to the dressing process for
you and your child.

Model getting dressed!

Have your child watch you get dressed. As you get dressed show them
how much fun you are having putting your clothes on. You could say
out loud thing like, “Oh it feels so nice and warm to have my sweater
 Self-Help Skills 215

on.” Or you could explain how you put on the sweater by saying
something like, “Ok, first I have to find the holes for the arms… ok
great, that’s arm number one. Now let’s find arm hole number two…”
By doing this you are verbally walking them through the process you
take to get dressed. In the morning you could take your clothes into
your child’s room and get dressed together.

Celebrate! Celebrate! Celebrate!

Celebrate everything your child does in relation to the putting on
their clothes.
• Celebrate them when they look at their clothes.
• Celebrate them for touching their clothes.
•
py
Celebrate them for any attempt they make to put their clothes
on.
co
• Celebrate when they let you put any piece of clothing on them.

Troubleshooting getting dressed

ew

My child will wear clothes at school but will not wear clothes at home.
This is usually an indication that your child may be very sensitive to the
vi

way the clothes feel on their skin. Meaning that the different textures
of their clothing may feel very uncomfortable. They may be able to
re

tolerate clothes enough to go outside where they are aware enough to

know they have to wear clothes, but once within the safety of their
home will take their clothes off as soon and as often as possible.
The following suggestions will help with the underlying reason
why they are not wearing clothes.
• Consider using the Wilbarger Deep Pressure and Proprioceptive
Technique. This protocol, created by occupational therapist
and clinical psychologist Patricia Wilbarger, is a specific,
professionally guided treatment regime designed to reduce
sensory defensiveness. It involves deep-touch pressure
throughout the day. I have seen this to be very useful for a
number of children I have worked with and is something you
can implement with your child at home for more information
216 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

on the technique, see www.ot-innovations.com/content/

view/55/46).
• Observe how your child interacts with different materials—
is there one material they gravitate toward? If there is, find
clothes in this material. Buy clothes that are soft, and made
with one texture only. Stay away from clothes that have a
ribbed or bumpy texture in their patterns, buttons, zips, sequins,
rhinestones, or plastic pictures ironed onto the material. Take
all labels off. Any change in the texture of the clothing may be
an irritant for your child. Clothing that is 100 percent cotton
is the often the best option.
• Wash your child’s clothes in unscented hypoallergenic
detergent. Some washing detergents can leave a strong scent

py
on the clothes that may be overpowering for a child who has
an overactive sense of smell.
co
The suggestions below will help to motivate your child to want to
wear clothes.
• Sometimes when children take their clothes off we
ew

accommodate by putting up the heating. I would suggest that

you do the opposite, open a window put the heating down,
give your child a reason to put on their clothes. Explain to
vi

them that putting clothes on would warm them up. Model this
by saying, “Oh, I feel a little chilly,” and then put on a jumper.
re

• Celebrate them every time they do wear clothes, letting them

know how handsome and beautiful they look fully dressed.
• If they are naked and they want something from you, either a
snack or toy that they cannot reach by themselves, or maybe
they want to play chase or have a piggyback ride, this is the
time to ask them to put their clothes on. We are more likely to
do the things that are hard for us when we want something.
Below is an outline of how to ask your child to get dressed
using the example of your naked child having asked you for
a snack:
ºº Say yes I would love to get you a snack.
ºº More toward the kitchen.
 Self-Help Skills 217

ºº Stop before you get the snack and say a version of, ‘Oh,
you are naked, let’s get dressed before you eat your snack.
The snack is sticky and your body will get dirty [or the
snack is hot and it might burn your body]. That’s why we
wear clothes to protect our skin.”
ºº The idea here is to think up a reason why it is important
for your child to put their clothes on. This way we are
communicating to them that we are helping them by
asking them to put their clothes on.
ºº Be persistent with asking them, bring their clothes to them
and help them put them on. As you continue to ask them,
keep telling them that yes you will get them a snack once
their clothes are on.

py
ºº You don’t have to get them fully dressed, begin with just
putting on either a T-shirt, or trousers and gradually work
co
up from there.
ºº It is very important to get them the snack or whatever
they were asking for as soon as they put on the item of
ew

clothing.
ºº It is ok if they take the clothes off as soon they get the
snack, the idea is to give them as many experiences of
vi

wearing clothes as possible. The more they wear them, the

more they will get used to the feel on their skin.
re

It is important to feel easy and relaxed when your child is not wearing
clothes. If we get uptight and uncomfortable, our child will pick up
on this and push against our need for him to wear clothes. Thoughts
that will help you feel relaxed when your child is not wearing clothes:
• It is ok that my child is not wearing clothes. They are doing
this for a reason and I know some steps to take to help my
child wear clothes.
• Encouraging my child to wear clothes is a process; it does not
have to happen right this minute.
• The more calm and accepting I feel, the more opportunities I
will create to help my child wear clothes.
218 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

My child has challenges changing into different clothes for different seasons: We
have a battle every change of season.
Our children can get very attached to routine, becoming inflexible
when it is time for a transition or change. It is most likely that your
child is protesting against change. To help your child make the
transition easily do it as a gradual process. For example, during the
summer months have your child wear some light shirts and jackets
with long sleeves, and full-length trousers. That way it won’t be so
alien to your child when the summer ends and you ask them to wear
autumn/winter tops and trousers. As the summer ends have them
wear these tops more often and gradually swop them for progressively
heavier material. You can do the reverse in the winter months. This
way is it is not so much of an immediate change for your child.

My child will not wear his winter coat.

py
This may simply be due to the fabric of their coat. Most winter coats
co
can be “puffy” and have a plastic feel, others can be very heavy, and
may feel a little suffocating due to the coat going right up to your
child’s chin.
ew

Experiment with different coats, I would suggest that you start

with a softest most lightweight fabric you can find and do not do it
all the way up. This may help your child tolerate the feel of it more.
vi

Make wearing a coat fun. Weave wearing a coat into the everyday
games you play with your child. You could:
re

• While playing a chase game with your child, grab your child’s
coat and wrap him it in giving him a squeeze once you catch
him.
• Next time you play a “going to sleep” game with your child,
have his coat be the comforter.
• Try wearing his coat and have him wear your coat.
• Put the coat on his favorite characters or soft animals and take
pictures of them in silly positions.
• Make a tent out of your coats and invite your child to play
with you inside.
 Self-Help Skills 219

• If you and your child play imagination games together, like

going on a airplane, or catching a train, or going to the moon,
add putting your coat on as part of the game.
• Hide little things you know your child will find interesting
inside his coat pockets. Maybe it is sticker, a picture of his
favorite character, a snack he likes or pieces of string, or a
balloon.
Remember to talk to your child and really explain why you are asking
him to wear his coat. How it will help him keep warm and dry.

At times my child is so absorbed in his own activity that it is hard to get him
away from it so that I can get him dressed.
Go with, rather than against, the activity your child is engrossed in.

py
When you move with your child’s interest they will more likely allow
you to dress them. In this case there is no need to move your child’s
co
attention away from his activity. You can simply get him dressed
where he is. Let’s say your child is standing at the table absorbed in a
Thomas the Tank Engine book, dress them as they are standing. Use
the Control Protocol (p.000) and let them know they can still look at
ew

the book while you get them dressed.

vi

BATH-TIME
Yeah! It’s bath-time! Images of bubble bath and little yellow ducks
re

come to mind. Bathtime is traditionally at the end of the day. This can
be useful as it washes off the dirt collected from the day and can have
a calming effect on our children, which helps soothe them for sleep.
You, on the other hand, may feel tired and a little stressed from a full
day. If you sometimes feel too tired to face giving your children a bath,
there are a couple of options for you:
• If you have flexibility, you could pick a time of day that suits
you better. Maybe it would be more relaxed and easy for you
to bath your children in the morning, or even midday. The
choice is yours.
• If you do not have that flexibility, nighttime being the only
feasible time to bath your child, then it would be important for
220 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

you to bring a relaxed, fun energy to it. This brings us back to

the notion that it not the activity itself that is fun or not fun.
We bring our own delight and fun to each activity. Keep this
in mind as bathtime approaches and find something about it
to enjoy. As it nears—relax and embrace that it’s bathtime! You
are going to do it anyway, so you might as well do it with a
sense of relaxation and enjoyment.

Having trouble getting your child into the bathtub?

Give them a decent warning
Give your child enough notice that bathtime is imminent. Sometimes
our children are too absorbed in their current activity and do not
want to suddenly leave it to take a bath. Let them know 15 minutes

py
ahead of time that bathtime will be soon. Then give them a ten-minute
warning and then a five-minute warning, so that it will not be such a
surprise when the actual bath time comes.
co
Similarly, if you know you want to get your child in the bathtub
in 30 minutes’ time, do not introduce an activity for your child that
is challenging to move him on from. I would suggest that you put
ew

all electronics away and do not start a big puzzle or another similar
activity that your child my want to finish completely before moving
on.
vi
re

Check out any sensory sensitivity

As with the previous section on wearing clothes, reluctance to get
into the bath could be due to a sensory sensitivity. The sound of the
running water hitting the sides of the bath could be too intense. One
suggestion would be to run the bath before you have your child come
into the bathroom. Experiment with the opposite, have your child get
into an empty bath and then fill it up. This is especially effective if your
child likes to watch water.
It may be the temperature of the water that is bothersome to your
child, experiment with offering a colder bath, or a warmer bath.
A lot of children I have worked with enjoy being in really small
places. If your child is small enough you can wash them in the sink, or
 Self-Help Skills 221

in a smaller basin or tub inside the bathtub. Consider different forms

of washing, such as a shower.

Let them bring their ism/stim toy

If your child has a special item or toy they like to hold or ism/stim
with and it is either waterproof or would not be damaged by the water,
let them play with it in the bath. This may help them want to get in
the tub and become beautifully clean. You are the one who wants your
child to take a bath. Why should they go if they have to leave their
favorite and most important item behind? Our children have an ism
toy for a reason. It is calming and helping them get through their day
in a world that is chaotic and unpredictable. Instead of thinking of it
is as getting in their way of taking a bath, see it as letting them bring

py
it with them will help them take a bath. If you let them bring it with
them chances are they will move more easily to the bathroom and into
the bath.
co
Make it fun!
ew

• There are so many bathtub toys on the market right now you
are really spoilt for choice. Remember to marry your child’s
motivation with any bathtub toy you buy (see chapter 4).
vi

• Bubbles! Bubbles! Bubbles!—So often a great motivator for our

re

children. I am not just talking about bubble bath, which would

be a great idea, but you blowing bubbles into the bathtub once
your child has hopped in. Bathtime could be your special and
only time of day when the bubbles come out to play.
• Play your child’s favorite music in the background.
• You could have the bath by candlelight or with a nightlight.
This would make a super calming environment.
• You could buy a “bath friend.” It could be a large plastic doll,
blow-up animal, or character that comes out only at bathtime
to take a bath with your child.
• You could use this “bath friend” to model getting into the bath
when you ask.
222 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

HAIR WASHING
Hair washing can be particularly challenging for our children for
numerous reasons. They can be particularly sensitive to different kinds
of touch on their head and scalp, making the sensation of water being
poured on their head unpleasant. The surprise of the water being
poured on their head from a place they cannot see may give them a
feeling of being out of control, thus their refusal to have their hair
washed is an effort to reclaim control over the situation. Previous
experiences of getting soap in their eyes may have put them off the
whole experience.

Let go of the need for your child

to have their hair washed

py
What harm can come of this? So your child has dirty hair for a while.
This is not the end of the world. The oils that will be produced by
co
not washing their hair will be nourishing and healthy for their hair
and scalp. As a society we can over-wash our hair, eliminating all the
natural oils that are there for a reason. The benefit of doing this will
outweigh a few days of dirty hair. Giving your child the chance to
ew

gain control over this experience will, by not washing their hair if they
say or indicate no, open them up to exploring and making friends with
having their hair washed.
vi

I worked with Millie a young girl of four who refused to have her
hair washed. Wanting to give her control, we kept offering to wash
re

her hair in different and creative ways; but if she indicated or said no,
we respected that and did not push or force her. She refused to let us
wash her hair for three weeks. Those three weeks reaped big rewards
in two ways. We were dedicated to giving her control, knowing that
this was the most useful thing we could do. Knowing that respecting
her “no” was building a deep trust between us. This meant that we
had to be more creative in how we went about washing her hair. This
ultimately led us to the idea of putting a mirror in front of her so that
she could see the water falling on her head, taking away the surprise.
This helped her accept hair washing. Giving her this control not only
led to her allowing us to wash her hair, but also built such a strong
sense of trust between her and her parents that she started to allow
them to do other things. Today she is a teenager who takes great pride
in making her hair look good.
 Self-Help Skills 223

Get creative
Try different ways to wash their hair:
• Try using a mirror as in the story above.
• You could wet their hair by having them lie down in the
bathtub. This again gives your child more control.
• You could use a jug and have your child watch the water being
poured over a doll’s hair first and then attempt to pour it over
their head.
• Bring any plastic dolls you have into the bath and wash their
hair, then ask your child to participate in washing the doll’s
hair.
• Have your special child and their sibling take a bath together,

py
wash their sibling’s hair and have him express delight in the
process, before you wash your child’s hair.
co
• Talk through a favorite puppet or figurine; have that figurine
ask your child to wash their hair. I have seen children be more
open to responding to requests when they are made through a
ew

puppet versus a person. I believe that this is because it is one

step away from purely interacting with a person, making it
easier for your child to respond.
vi

• Pour the shampoo into your child’s hand and have them
re

massage it as best they can into their own hair. This would
give then complete control over the process.

Desensitize their head

During the day and at playtime when your child is engaging with
you, offer strong squeezes to their head. Massage the head using deep
pressure. You could also scratch their scalp if they allow it. This will
help to desensitize your child to having their head touched. Of course
as always use the Control Protocol (p.000).
224 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

HAIR CUTTING
We all have a vision of the way we want our children’s hair to look.
There is nothing wrong with this, but sometimes somewhere along
the line we may have put hair cutting into the category of a health
necessity. Is it really? If your child is refusing to have their hair cut ask
yourself if it is necessary. Can you put aside your desire to have your
girl with a cute haircut or your boy to have the more traditional short
hair? Nowadays it seems that every style is accepted. I see boys with
really long hair (my 14-year-old nephew has hair nearly reaching his
bottom) shaved heads, and Mohawks; I see girls with traditional bobs,
short pixie cuts, and long locks. If you can put aside your ideal vision
of how you would like your child’s hair to be, in favor of giving your
child control, it will decrease the amount of stress you both experience.
This is something that you can let go of.

py
The benefit of your child being willing to have their hair cut will
mean that it will be less likely to fall into or cover their eyes. This
will make it easier for them to look at and communicate with the
co
people around them. You may be able to keep it in a style that is easy
to manage, keep clean, and looking nice, which may help them look
more appealing to their peers. Giving control by respecting our child’s
ew

“no” now, is the path to helping them move toward being willing to
have their hair cut in the future
vi

Make friends with the process

re

While you let go of cutting your child’s hair, encourage your child to
make friends with the process. Below are some fun game suggestions:
• Line up some old Barbies, and soft toys and play hairdressers.
If your child does not interact in imagination games yet, do
this activity yourself while they are in the room. It does not
matter if they show no signs of being interested in what you
are doing. Remember to have fun and enjoy playing, and trust
that your child will notice your enjoyment.
• If your child can interact in imagination games, play hairdressers
and include your child in the game. Remember that it is not
about cutting your child’s hair, it is to help your child become
 Self-Help Skills 225

comfortable with the process. Have them pretend to be the

hairdresser as well as the customer.
• If your child likes play dough, make a man with long hair and
cut his hair.
• Model cutting a family member’s hair in front of your child.
I worked with one family who had a six-year-old boy called Billy
who would scream and run away anytime a pair of scissors appeared,
worried that he would be held down and forced to have his hair cut.
At that time we had Suzanne, a Son-Rise Program® child facilitator, on
staff who was also a hairdresser. To demonstrate to his parents how to
make the process of having a haircut fun, while giving Billy complete
control, Suzanne and I went into the playroom with Billy. Billy went
into the playroom happily with us. When Suzanne got out her black

py
hairdressing cape and began to explain to Billy that he was going to
help cut my hair he looked a little quizzical. When she produced her
co
hair-cutting scissors he ran into the bathroom and closed the door. We
gave Billy complete control, letting him stay in the bathroom alone
for as long as he needed. While he was the bathroom, we made sure
we made plenty of fun noises about having my hair cut. We “aahed,”
ew

we laughed, and we “oohed,” talking out loud about how wonderful

having your hair cut was and most importantly we were sincerely
having a good time.
vi

About ten minutes into the haircut he opened the door less than
an inch and looked through. When we turned to look at him he closed
re

it immediately. We carried on, not asking him to do anything. Two

minutes later he peeked again, this time we knew better, so we did
not look over at him, we just let him watch. He watched for at least a
minute, and then closed the door. Once he trusted that we would not
make him do anything and that it was not his turn to have his hair
cut he got braver and braver and actually came into the playroom to
watch, and helped Suzanne to cut my hair by actually holding the
scissors with her.
This was the first time he had voluntarily been in the same room
as a pair of scissors, held a pair of scissors, and relaxed enough to
laugh and have a good time. This took just 45 minutes, and shows
how powerful the combination of giving control and making things
fun can be.
226 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

Once your child has made friends with the process and is relaxed,
start to ask if you can cut their hair.
• Begin with just one little snip.
• Celebrate them if they allow you.
• Wait a few days and see if you can cut two little snips.
• Work up from there, cutting more as time goes on.
• Once your child is comfortable with you cutting their hair,
progress to a hairdresser.
If they refuse to let you cut their hair, give control and know that
your child needs more time getting comfortable with the hair-cutting
process. Try again in a couple of days. Keep going with the process,

py
with your persistence and an attitude of letting go. It is most likely that
in their own time your child will manage a haircut and maybe even
allow you to take them to a hairdresser.
co
Having your child’s hair cut at a salon
ew

I would make sure that your child is completely comfortable and

easy with you cutting their hair for at least two months before even
considering taking them to a salon. When that day arrives and you
vi

think it is time to progress to an actual hair salon first explain the

whole process to your child. Maybe first go to the hair salon and take
re

pictures so that you can show them to your child while you explain
in detail what is going to happen. Remember to share this with great
excitement that they are lucky that they are all grown up and ready to
have their hair cut in a real salon. As well as explaining, you can act it
out together. Pretend to get in the car and drive to the salon. Pretend
that you are the hairdresser and greet your child, get them into a cape
and sit in the special hair-cutting chair. Pretend to wash their hair, cut
and dry it. You could even ask the salon if they are willing for your
child to come in afterhours to explore the salon. That way they have
a chance to get familiar and make friends with the place where they
are going to have their hair cut without the stress of actually having
their hair cut.
 Self-Help Skills 227

If you find that the smells and the lights of a salon are just too
much for your child, ask if one of the hairdressers will come to the
house to cut your child’s hair. You have nothing to lose by asking.

NAIL CUTTING
Nail cutting is the same process, give control and make friends with
the process. It will also be extremely useful to explain and demonstrate
to your child how the nail clipper works.

Making friends with the nail clippers

Below are some creative ideas, but don’t forget you can modify them
to include your own child’s motivations (see chapter 4).
•
py
Pretend that the nail clippers are animals. One could be a
shark, or an alligator, or a caterpillar. Make paper fruit or fish
co
and have the animal nail clippers eat the fruit.
• You could pretend that they are trains or airplanes. Have the
pretend nail clipper vehicles travel to nail clipper land where
ew

all the Disney characters go to have their nails clipped.

• Bang the drums with nail clippers instead of drum sticks.
vi

• Print out your child’s favorite characters from the internet and
clip their nails.
re

• Make paper handprints of all the family and have your child
clip their fingernails.
Once you feel that your child is relaxed with the nail clippers and fully
understands the process, begin to try and clip their nails. Start with the
hand, as it is easier for your child to see what is going on. Again, start
with one clip and build-up to doing the whole hand or foot.
Try clipping their nails when they are in the bathtub. The heat and
the water make the nails softer which might make it an easier sensory
experience for your child.
228 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

ADOLESCENT HYGIENE
This section is for teenagers and young adults, who are high-
functioning, meaning that they can hold a conversation, ask and
answer questions, read and write to some degree. It tackles the self-
grooming skills of wearing deodorant, changing clothes, cleansing
their adolescent skin and brushing their hair. I will address these skills
as a group versus individually.
Everything I talked about previously in this chapter will be relevant
for your teenager or young adult, the process of giving control and
making friends with the process is relevant for each of the above self-
grooming skills. The difference here will be taking into consideration
their age and stage in life.

Talk to your child

py
Talk to your child about their body and the changes that are occurring.
All adolescents have concerns about their developing bodies, just
co
because your child is on the autism spectrum does not shield them or
make them immune. They will most likely have felt the changes going
on in their bodies and have thoughts and feelings about them. That
ew

is why it is essential to give them clear and useful information about

what is happening to their bodies. Then we know we have done our
best to help them make sense of what is happening. I would suggest
vi

that you do this in two ways.

Give them books that have been written in a clear and open way
re

about how their body changes. Read and discuss these books with
them, answer their questions and bring up any questions that they
may have but have not asked. Try your best to do this in the most open
way, the more your child has real information about what is happening
the more likely they will be at ease with what is happening.
Be excited and delighted when discussing the changes that they
are going through. So often our children are told this information in a
tight and uncomfortable way, adding to or creating a lack of openness
and comfort in our children’s view of their own bodies. The more
relaxed we are, the more likely our children will be relaxed. If you
are in a family situation where the father can talk to the son and the
mother can talk to the daughter that would be ideal. Adolescents are
often more willing to hear this type of information from a same-sex
 Self-Help Skills 229

adult. If however you are a single parent, your openness and comfort
will be enough. I encourage each of you to be the person who talks to
your child, do not leave it up to the school or caring professional as
no one can care for your child as much as you. This way you also get
to pass on your own values to your child.

Explain the whys behind the new hygiene activities

How do personnel hygiene and talking to your child about their
changing body relate? If your child can understand why they are
suddenly being asked to wear deodorant or cleanse their face, they
are more likely to do them. This grounds the activity and helps it to
make sense. We are more likely to do something that makes sense to
us, versus just being told to do it. Make sure that as you describe these

py
things you do so in a fun, exciting way. Explain that these changes are
perfectly normal and wonderful, and a sign that they are growing into
a beautiful woman or handsome young man.
co
Growing up is fun
ew

Growing up, becoming older, is a motivator for all children including

our children with autism. Highlight to them how they are growing
up and how proud you are of them, and help them feel proud to be
vi

a teenager or young adult. Let them know that with this new stage
in life comes with new fun self-grooming activities, such as wearing
re

deodorant and choosing how you want to wear your hair, even maybe
wearing hair gel. That, now they are a teenager or young adult they
get to choose different fun things at the chemist [AQ] and then they
get to use them on a daily basis.
Make a special trip to the chemist [AQ] with them to pick out their
new products. Let them have control over what they choose, they will
more likely use it if they feel that they have chosen it. Couple this trip
with a celebratory event marking this milestone in their development.
Maybe it will be a trip to their favorite restaurant or a family dinner at
home in their honor.
230 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

Make it cool to be clean

This is a different twist on making friends with the activity. Make it
cool to be clean. Stay away from talking about the negative aspects
of being dirty, such as people making fun of you if you smell, instead
emphasize the positive effects of being clean. Do this not in the form
of a lecture but through different activities and weaving it subtly into
everyday situations and conversations. When the conversation gets
round to movie stars, athletes, football stars, pop stars, talk about how
handsome and clean they are. Take notice and pass a complimentary
comment when other family members have just taken a bath, or styled
their hair nicely, or are all dressed up to go out.
Take the hippest person in your child’s life, maybe it is a cousin
or another family member, or friend of their sibling. If you think this
person would be open, ask them to model how clean they like to be.

py
For instance, they could come round and talk about which deodorant
they use, or what type of gel they use on their hair. It is important that
it is a person that your child looks up to and identifies with being cool.
co
When your child is clean and doing the hygiene activities you
want them to, comment on how nice they smell or cool and handsome
they look.
ew

Get your child interested in how they present themselves by

gathering pictures of different people they might relate to or admire.
If your child is into drawing cartoons or is an artist, gather pictures of
vi

different artists. If your child likes athletes gather pictures of different

athletes, or musicians, and so forth. While you look at the pictures
re

together, discuss how each person presents differently and ask your
child how they would like to present themselves. You could do this
with pictures of your family members, discussing the difference
between how each person looks, what style of clothes they like to
wear, whether they are messy or tidy, etc., again asking your child how
they want to present themselves.

Model how much you enjoy being clean yourself

After you have taken a shower, share with your child how great the
shower felt on your skin, and how nice it feels to be clean and wear
clean clothes. Comment on how you like the way your skin smells
after using the new smelling soaps.
 Self-Help Skills 231

For all you dads out there, share and model how you enjoy taking
car of your beard.
Moms, share with your daughter how fun it is to find the perfect
skin cream for your face and how good your face feels afterwards.
Model how you wear deodorant making sure you smell good
before you leave the house. Model all the steps you do to take care of
your adult body that you previously might not have thought to share
with your child. Now is the time!

SELF-HELP SKILLS ACTION CHECKLIST [AQ]

• See all self-help skills as important and valuable for your child.
Not something just to get over and done with.
• Think the following thoughts:
py
ºº They are a step toward independence for my child.
co
ºº They will translate into me having more time.
ºº They can help strengthen my relationship with my child.
ew

ºº They can help my child become more socially successful.

• Make your own self-grooming activities fun for you by doing
the following:
vi

ºº Get in the moment

re

ºº Find one thing to enjoy to about the activity

ºº Anticipate what you enjoy about the activity just before
you do it again.
ºº Slow down the activity and really savor the part you enjoy.
ºº Celebrate yourself for doing a great job at the self-
grooming activity.
ºº Share what you enjoyed about the activity to a family
member or friend.
• Make it fun for your child by using your child’s motivations.
232 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

• Make your child’s sensory experience easier by buying

unscented hypoallergenic products, and having warm, soft
towels.
• Go into your bathroom and check out the sensory experience
that your child may be having.
• If your child can talk, ask them about their experience.
• Take the fight out of the equation—never force—use the
Control Protocol at all times.
• Help your child make friends with the activity. Do this my
letting them explore the item without the threat of it being
used on them. Play fun motivating games with the item to
help your child relax and make friends with the object.
•
py
Once they have made friends with it, ask them to interact with
the item.
co
Toothbrushing action checklist
ew

• Give control—do not force.

• Be gentle when brushing your child’s teeth.
vi

• Model loving brushing your own teeth.

• Use the two-part games to help your child make friends and
re

have fun with the toothbrush.

• Persist asking your child to brush their teeth in a fun and
relaxed way each night and morning. Always respecting any
indication of “no.”

Getting dressed action checklist

• Allow plenty of time.
• Get them dressed first in the morning, before breakfast,
playing, and any electronics.
• Put your child’s clothes out the night before.
 Self-Help Skills 233

• Ask your child to get dressed.

• Break it down, start with little steps and build-up to bigger
ones.
• Be playful and fun as you ask and get them dressed.
• Model getting dressed yourself.
• Bring your clothes into your child’s room so you can get
dressed together.
• Celebrate! Celebrate! Celebrate!

Bathtime action checklist

•
• py
Choose a bath time that works for you.
Decide beforehand that you are going to have fun and be
co
relaxed at bathtime.
• Give your child prior warning that bathtime will be in 30
minutes.
ew

• Don’t start an activity that your child has a hard time

transitioning away from just before bath time.
vi

• Let them bring their ism/stim toy into the bath with them.
• Make it fun! Try some of the fun bathtime ideas.
re

Hair washing action checklist

• Let go of any “need” you may have for your child to wash
their hair.
• Give control.
• Get creative with different ways of presenting washing their
hair. Try some of the suggestions on p.000.
• Desensitize their head.
234 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

Hair cutting action checklist

• Help them make friends with the process. Try some of the
games on p.000.
• Let go of any need for your child to have a certain hair cut.
• Give control, respect any indication they give you that they do
not want their hair cut.
• When your child is ready to begin getting their hair cut start
with just one snip. Celebrate, and then next time do two snips,
and so forth.

Adolescent hygiene action checklist

•
py
Talk to your child about the different ways their bodies are
changing. Do this with an open, excited attitude.
co
• Explain the whys behind the new hygiene activities they now
get to do.
ew

• Make a special trip to the chemist [AQ] so that they get to pick
out their new products.
• Make it cool to be clean.
vi

• Model how you love doing all these new hygiene activities.
re
 Chapter 12

INTRODUCING NEW FOODS

Is your child a picky eater? Do they eat only three different food items,
or limit themselves to just one? Maybe it’s a certain brand of chocolate
chip cookie, grilled cheese sandwich, or chicken nuggets only from
McDonalds. Maybe your child’s diet is a little more varied but does

py
not consist of a single vegetable or fresh fruit. Does your child have
chronic diarrhea or constipation, or maybe both? If you want to find
a way to introduce new foods into your child’s diet then this is the
co
chapter for you. These techniques have helped countless parents help
their children eat not only a varied diet, but also a healthy one.
Just last week I was consulting with a family whose child previously
ew

ate only white bread, cheese sticks, and pizza. They implemented
all the suggestions in this chapter. Now he eats, fish, chicken, beef,
chickpeas, rice, quinoa, broccoli, green beans, tomatoes, kale, onions,
vi

and loves his fresh “green juice” drink with a dash of lemon juice.
They have seen an increase in his ability to focus and interact. His
re

verbal communication has improved and he is tantruming less. A good

healthy diet can make a tremendous difference to your child’s autism.

CONSIDER FOOD SENSITIVITES

During my 25 years of working with children on the spectrum I have
seen a great increase in children with digestive challenges. It is now
commonplace for me work with a child who has an extended stomach,
dark circles under their eyes, or chronic constipation or diarrhea.
Anyone of these could be a symptom of a digestive challenge, and
a sign that your child has food allergies/sensitivities. Your child
restricting their diet to a few items can also be a sign of food allergies/
sensitivities.

235
236 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

A study conducted by Autism Speaks’ Autism Treatment Network

(ATN) shows that GI symptoms occur in nearly half of children with
ASD, and the prevalence increases, as children get older (REF??) [AQ].
If your child is a picky eater, or has constipation, diarrhea, and/or
an extended/bloated stomach it is likely that the foods that they are
eating are part of the challenge. It will be important to look into not
only introducing new foods but also eliminating certain food types.
The most common food types that our children have sensitivities to
are, gluten, casein, and sugar.

Gluten and casein

Gluten and casein are complex proteins found respectively in wheat
and dairy products. There is much literature available online and

py
in numerous books detailing the effect these two proteins have on
children with autism. Putting it simply some children with autism
have a permeable gut, which means that there are tiny holes in the
co
lining of their intestines. The proteins from gluten and casein enter
our children’s blood stream through these holes. These proteins then
cross the blood—brain barrier and create morphine-like states in our
ew

children. So for our children these foods are like drugs. No wonder
our children have a hard time focusing and interacting with others!
Some of you may be thinking, “Wow! All my child eats is wheat
vi

and dairy!” This is not uncommon. If your child has sensitivities

to wheat and dairy, they are most likely addicted to these, and are
re

actually craving them like you would any addictive drug. Take heart,
once you remove these food items from your child’s diet the cravings
will disperse and they will start to eat other foods! This chapter will
guide you through how to do this.

Sugar
Sugar is thought to be extremely addictive, and is often a major
ingredient in processed foods. In the early 1800s, the average
American consumed about 12 pounds of sugar per year. According
to US Department of Agriculture (USDA) statistics, the average
consumption of sugar, including corn sweeteners such as high fructose
corn syrup, increased to more than 150 pounds per person by the year
 Introducing New Foods 237

2000 (USDA 2002). [AQ] This perhaps also represents an increase in

highly processed foods.
If our children are eating a lot of sugar this can prevent them from
eating more healthy foods. If I am craving sugar I will look for the
sugary food and push aside the vegetable or meat. Decreasing your
child intake of sugar will help them open up more easily to the new
foods you are offering them.
Our children have digestive challenges, if your child has chronic
diarrhea or constipation it is a sign that something is not quite right
with their digestion. Sugar has also been proven to aid an overgrowth
of a particular genus of fungus named Candida. This can cause our
children to be physically uncomfortable and to have stomachaches.
When we have a stomachache it is hard for us to learn new things
and interact with others. This is no different for our children. Candida

py
is often associated with dysbiosis and an excessive intake of sugar or
refined carbohydrates. Candida overgrowth can cause many common
symptoms including impaired memory and concentration (Truss 1981,
co
1984) [AQ].
Sugar can also create energy high and lows in our children’s bodies.
When working with children who have just eaten sugar, I will usually
ew

see an immediate surge in energy, the children becoming considerable

less able to focus and very hyperactive, only to have what we call a
“sugar crash” afterwards, and become very lethargic. Again, this is not
vi

helping our children focus, interact, and learn new things. Which is
another excellent reason to reduce your child’s sugar intake.
re

Sugars can be found in most if not all processed foods, including

vegetable and meat products. Juices and processed drinks, including
soya and rice milk, can have a high sugar content. I recommend that
you look at the labels on your child’s food to check for its sugar
content. Below is a list of all the different words there are for sugar,
some you will recognize some you may not:
Dextrose, fructose, galactose, glucose, lactose, levulose, maltose,
saccharose, sucrose, xylose, mannitol, sorbitol, xylitol, beet sugar,
brown sugar, cane sugar, confectionery sugar, corn sugar, corn
sweetener, corn syrup, dehydrated cane juice, dextrin, fruit juice
concentrate, granulated sugar, high fructose corn syrup, honey,
invert sugar, isomalt, malt syrup, maltodextrin, maple sugar,
maple syrup, molasses, raw sugar, rice syrup, sorghum, treacle,
turbinado sugar.
238 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

Reduce your child’s sugar intake slowly

If you find that your child’s sugar intake is particularly high, reduce it
slowly. Just like any other substance our body is addicted to it will be
too hard on your child’s body to go cold turkey. If your child drinks a lot
of juice or soda and eats cookies and chocolate, eliminate one at a time.
For instance, the first week eliminate cookies from his diet, the second
week keep the cookies out of his diet and remove all sodas, keep adding
one item week by week until you have eliminated all of them.

Go to an autism doctor
In order to know if your child has sensitivities to gluten or casein,
or to any other food types, it will be useful for you to consult with
an autism doctor. One who believes that diet plays an important

py
role in your child’s autism and one who knows what test to use to
identify any food sensitivities your child may have. One way to find
out information about who would be a good autism doctor for your to
co
consult with would be to use the numerous message boards online and
ask other parents who they would recommend and why.
ew

AUTISM DIETS
If you find that your child has sensitivities to certain foods, then
vi

eliminating the offending foods from their diet will not only help them
with their health challenges but will help them open up to the new
re

foods you want them to eat. There is much information about certain
autism diets on the web and many books written on the subject.
Below are four of the most cutting-edge autism dietary
interventions for autism. Each diet is designed to help your child with
different health issues. I am not suggesting that you put your child on
one these diets, just that you research and educate yourself and come
to your own conclusion That way you can make the most informed
decision for your child.
• Gluten-free casein-free diet (GFCF)
• Specific carbohydrate diet (SCD)
• GAPS diet
• Body ecology diet
 Introducing New Foods 239

Here is a great website that talks in depth about these and other autism
diets for your child: http://nourishinghope.com

Get prepared to start a new diet

If you do decide to eliminate certain foods from your child’s diet the
following steps will help you be successful
1. Start only when you are ready. Changing your child’s diet
can be a big step, one that will positively affect your whole
family. Some of you will learn about foods that you may not
have heard about before. You know you are ready to begin
when you have no doubts. It is important to be certain that
the diet you are putting your child on will be helpful and
healthful for him. Researching in depth the diet and chatting

py
with parents online who have put their children on the diet
will help you be the most educated in its usefulness for your
co
child. Our children are expert on picking up our doubts. If
they sense that we do not really mean that they will not be
eating their usual food, they will wait us out by not eating. If
we have doubts, we will let these doubts talk us into giving
ew

our children the foods they crave. We tell ourselves that it is

better that they eat something than nothing at all. Feeding our
children is at the very center of parenting. Giving our children
vi

the foods that they love can be an expression of our caring

and love. I completely understand that it can be difficult not
re

giving our children the food that we know they will eat when
they are refusing to eat anything else. What we forget is that
these food are harming our children and are contributing to
their autism. They do not nourish them. We also fear that they
will never eat again. Our children may give us their best effort
to convincing us of this. However, I have never experienced a
child who has never eaten again because they were put on one
of the above diets. I have however encountered many parents
who will give their children the foods that they are craving.
I worked with a mom of a four-old–year old boy called
John. He would only eat cheese, fish crackers and chicken
nuggets, and was extremely constipated. She decided to
put her child on a gluten- and casein-free diet but was very
240 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

scared and concerned about her child not eating. She took
the plunge and began. Three days later her child had still not
eaten anything and was lying on the floor listless looking very
sorry for himself. Concerned that she would give in to her
fears and give him the food he knew he would eat, she called
me for support. We talked about her fears that John would
never eat again, and that she should as his mother give him
any food he wanted. By the end of the call she had reaffirmed
her commitment to helping him by not giving him foods that
were harmful for him even though he wanted them. She also
held the belief that he would not starve himself forever. She
emailed me the next day saying that he ate his first slice of
gluten-free toast that morning for breakfast. Her attitude and
commitment made a difference. By the end of the first week

py
on a gluten- and casein-free diet John tried ten new foods,
including cucumbers, lettuce, and green beans, and his eye
contact had greatly improved. Now those are food types that
co
really are nourishing for John’s body.
We want to communicate with our attitude that we really
are not giving them the old food. Our children need to sense
ew

that we really mean business and that things have changed.

This will help them move on and accept the new food situation.
2. Educate yourself. You now know what foods you want your
vi

child not to eat. Now educate yourself on the foods that your
child can eat. Also the different meals and recipes you can
re

create and cook for your child. Below are some web resources
that will help you with this. [AQ]
The DVD “Let’s Go Shopping: Special Foods for Special
Needs ADHD, PDD-NOS, Autism, Celiac Disease & Down
Syndrome”—will guide you through the shelves of a health
food store. The mom who created this DVD has a son with
autism, and her son actually asks for his “green algae drink!”
3. Get your kitchen ready. Get all the food you do not want
your child to eat out of the house. If you they are in your
house, your child will find them and eat them. I have heard
numerous stories of children finding foods that have been
hidden in attics and garages. If these foods are not in your
house, it will also be easier for you not to give them to your
 Introducing New Foods 241

child. This also helps to eliminate any control battles that may
arise once your child finds the food.
What about the other members of your household, your
other children, and your partner? To make this transition the
most effective for your child with autism make it family-wide.
Sugar is not healthy for your other children or spouse. I know
of two great parents who went on the same diet they put
their daughter on and they both lost 25 pounds. They report
feeling, healthier, happier, and more able to focus. This is good
news for the whole family. That does not mean that everyone
has to go on a total diet, just when they are in the house.
When your other children are at school or elsewhere they can
eat what they want. This will also save you from cooking many
different meals.

py
4. Explain to your child why you are changing their diet.
Let them know the reasons behind these new foods. If your
co
child has food intolerances, they will have had some internal
discomfort. If they are constipated or have diarrhea, this will
also be the case. Let them know that the new foods will help
them feel more comfortable. It is ok if they do not appear to be
ew

listening, trust that they are (see p.000) [AQ]. Let them know
that you are on their side and are doing this to help them.
My godchild had many food allergies at different stages in
vi

her life that have caused her physical pain, as well as physical
consequences such as diarrhea. Knowing this she has been
re

self-motivated to keep away from these foods and listen to

her parents’ guidance. I see this quality in many children with
autism.
Explain all the same reasons to your other children. Let
them know that their participation in eating the new diet at
home will greatly help their siblings, that this can be their
contribution to the wellbeing of their brother or sister. Let
them also know the great benefits to their health of eating
this diet. They will become fitter, smarter, and live longer than
their peers! If you are to get family-wide participation they
will need all the information.
242 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

AVOID A GLUTEN- AND CASEIN-FREE JUNK FOOD DIET

This is going to be key. Once you have taken away the foods that
your child is allergic to, there will be other snack foods and numerous
gluten- and casein-free products on the market that may have very high
sugar levels. I would encourage you to limit the amount of gluten-free
products, such as pancakes, cookies, waffle mixes, cup cakes, pretzels,
bread rolls, chicken nuggets to a minimum. These products are often
highly processed and can be filled with sugar that is addictive for
our children. The same for snacks such as popcorn, potato chips, and
the like. I have worked with families whose children previously only
ate three foods, all of which they were allergic too, once they were
successfully eliminated from their diet, they were replaced with three
other foods, which were pancakes, chicken nuggets and potato chips,
all gluten- and casein-free but still not a varied or healthy diet.

py
My suggestion to you would be to keep to real foods instead of
packaged products. If you provide meats, grains, and vegetables for
your child, it is more likely that they will eat a healthy and varied diet
co
once the allergies are removed from their diet.
ew

HOW TO INTRODUCE NEW FOODS

Give control
Eating is something that we cannot force our children to do. It is
vi

within their control only. Ever had someone thrust a fork with a piece
of food on it close to your face with the insistence that you taste it?
re

Usually our first reaction is to push it away, and examine what it is

before we let it inside our bodies. Our initial response is no. Asking
our child to eat is a big request. We are more likely to be successful if
we are easy and relaxed when presenting food, by asking our children
to eat in a non-pushy non-pressure way.
That means not forcing our children to eat, or suddenly popping
something in their mouths. Above all, respecting any indication of
“No I do not want to eat this.” This might be your child turning their
head away, pressing their lips together, pushing the food away, or
simply just saying, “No.” Remember, giving control actual helps our
children want to do what we are asking them to do.
 Introducing New Foods 243

Love the new food yourself

There is simply something so appealing about another person really
enjoying eating their meal. I have spent many an evening at a restaurant
wishing I had ordered the same dish as my friend just based on their
exclamations of delight. It is time to make your peace with vegetables,
quinoa, millet, rice, and all the new foods you will be offering to your
child and learn to love eating them. If you think they are disgusting,
why should your child eat them?
Demonstrate this love by eating the new foods in front of your
child. Do this with relish as if you were eating your most favorite dish.
Make big “I love this food” facial expressions. Lick your lips and tell
them how delicious it is. We want to sell this food. We want to be the
best advertisement possible.

Be easy and super non-invasive py

This means not pouncing on your child and offering food really
co
close to their face. If your child comes over to a plate of food, do not
immediately ask them to eat it or pick up the food from the plate and
offer it to them. Be silent and give them time to investigate it. Maybe
ew

smile at them as a silent way of encouraging them to investigate the

food. If you talk and offer straight away, your child may walk away
from your request. It is my experience that when I give a child time,
vi

they will try the food themselves without my insistence. You may find
that your child comes over looks at it and walks away, again trust them,
re

it may take them four or five times of looking at the food before they
decide to take a bite. If we get in the way of this process, they may
not try at all.
Another way is to put a piece of food on a fork and offer it to your
child from a few feet away. Then let them come to the fork and decide
for themselves whether they are going to just look at it, touch it, put
it up to their lips, or eat it. All of these actions are steps in the eating
process. All exciting! All worth celebrating!

Have food easily available to your child

This is so crucial. Let’s not just have food available at mealtimes, let’s
have food readily available. Place bowls of the new food around the
244 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

house. This will help your child get used to the new look and smells.
The more familiar your child is with the food the more likely they will
investigate it. (Put in study of children taking a few times becomes
they will try the new food.) [AQ] Having food readily available may
also tempt them when they are really hungry. I would encourage you
to make this available food plentiful. Put at least two bowls in the room
your child is in. The bowls can contain foods such as quinoa, rice (if
this is permissible on the diet you have chosen), cut-up cucumbers,
nuts, cooked vegetables, a little cut-up chicken.
Remember, love the new food yourself ! When you are with your
child stop every now and then and munch on some of the food. If
your child has been very controlling around trying new foods, do
not attempt to offer the food to them, just model how delicious it is.
If your child is hungry, the combination of available food, you eating

py
it in a tempting way, and having control can be very powerful in
encouraging your child to eat the new food.
co
Get creative
There are so many different ways to cook and present each food. You
ew

never know which way your child will like. For instance, I do not like
cooked carrots but I love raw carrots and there are many more ways to
be creative with carrots:
vi

• raw cut-up in circles

re

• grated
• diced in small squares
• cut-up in shapes to create pictures like a face or a space rocket
• cooked whole
• baked
• steamed
• mashed with a little salt and pepper
• sautéed with a little garlic and oil
• carrot soup.
 Introducing New Foods 245

For a child who has challenges with textures try to offer foods that
only have one texture. For example, a tomato has three textures: the
skin, the pips, and the flesh. If you offer an apple or other fruits, peel
it and take out the pips. The same goes for vegetables. With meats, try
also to make it one texture, cutting away the fats and making sure it is
one color. This may help your child eat the food presented.
There are many different ways to encourage your child to eat the
same food. Don’t give up! If your child does not eat it one way, try
another.
Consider ways to make the grain or meat or vegetable tastier.
Sautéing the food adds flavor, herbs and different seasoning can make
the food more appealing to your child. Just because it is healthy does
not mean that it has to be tasteless.

Experiment
py
Experiment with how many foods you put on your child’s plate at
co
mealtimes. Some children will only eat when there is one food type on
a plate. If there are more than one, they refuse to eat. If your child has
challenges with textures, this will probably be the case.
ew

Print out pictures of things that your child really likes and put
them on the plate next to the food. This could encourage your children
to come over and start investigating the food.
vi

Let them get up from the table and run in-between bites. Often our
children have to move; if we put them in a situation where we do not
re

allow them to move, they may reject the food, however hungry, just
so they can leave the table and move. If you let them get up and run,
you may just find that they come back in a few moments for another
bite. Moving can aid in digestion, for some of our children who are
having digestion issues they are probably taking care of themselves in
the most amazing way.
You might be thinking: “But then how will he ever learn to sit
and eat at the table?” Let’s work on one thing at a time. Let’s first help
them eat a healthier diet; once we have done that, we can work on
helping them to sit and eat at the table.
Sometimes sitting down beside your child while they are isming/
stimming and letting them know that they can carry on with what
they are doing and that you are just going to help them eat, works
wonders. After you have explained what you are going to do, gently
246 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

put the spoon or fork up to their mouths and wait for them to open
their mouths. You can also gently say, “Open your mouth so I can help
you eat this yummy food.” If your child does this, then proceed and
feed them this way; if they do not, or push you away, give control and
do not force-feed them in any way.
Examine your family mealtime from a sensory perspective. If you
have a big family, chances are that it is loud and over-stimulating for
your child with autism. If this is the case, consider the idea that your
child is not ready to thrive during family meals. It may be easier for
your child to concentrate on eating their meal if they are in a non-
distracting environment. I would suggest that you give your child their
meal before the rest of the family. In the kitchen with just you or
your partner, or in another room in the house. Close the door of the
kitchen or room so that he cannot wander all around the house. In this

py
smaller and quieter environment you will be more able to concentrate
on helping him eat.
co
Bring the new food into playtime
Get a little loose with what you can do with food. The more your child
ew

touches and interacts with the food, the more comfortable they will
become with the idea of eating it. Below are some ideas for you to try.
Remember to modify them to suit your child’s motivations.
vi

• If your child likes trains, you could pretend the vegetables are
passengers waiting to board the train.
re

• You could also pretend that the vegetables are cargo being
dropped of at different stores.
• You could attach a balloon to paper food parcels making hot
air balloons that land on your child’s plate.
• If your child likes to draw, cook some carrots and beets and
use them as vegetable paints or crayons.
• Juggle with grapes or berries or apples.
• Have your child’s favorite characters dive into a bowl of quinoa
to save an animal from drowning.
 Introducing New Foods 247

• Make a treasure hunt for your child, where the treasure is a

small item that is buried in a bowl of new food.
• Have a real-food picnic with all the soft animals in the room.
As an example of how you could modify these examples to suit your
child’s motivations, think about how you could include food with the
toys that they like. For example, if they like figurines, you could make
a little snack for each figurine. Give each snack to your child to offer
to their figurine. If your child likes balls you could pretend a grape or
an apple is a ball and roll it to each other or play catch.
It’s ok if things get a little messy. The important thing is that
we are having fun with the food. That we are presenting it to our
child in an easy, fun, and super-relaxed way. Taking the pressure away
from you and your child will allow any tension that may have grown

py
around eating to fade away. That’s when the eating can begin.
co
TROUBLESHOOTING
My child will sometimes refuse to eat even the food he likes.
I have worked with many children who once they have gone without
ew

food for too long will reject all offers. Sometimes our children are
unable to tell us that they are hungry, or maybe do not recognize the
feeling of hunger inside themselves. This can affect their blood sugar
vi

levels and they can begin to get very lethargic, or they can shut down.
One way to help a child eat under these circumstances is to spoon
re

food into their mouths while they are involved in another activity.
They may be stimming/isming by flipping pages in a book, drawing,
or lining up letters. While they are doing this, quietly sit beside them
and without interrupting their activity feed them. Of course, we
would still give them control and look for permission. After you have
explained what you are going to do, gently put the spoon or fork up
to their mouths and wait for them to open their mouths. You can also
gently say, “Open your mouth so I can help you eat this yummy food.”
If your child does this, then proceed and feed them this way; if they
do not, or push you away, give control and do not force-feed them in
any way. Most times I find that a child will allow the food if they can
concentrate on something else. This helps to get food into the system
and bring balance to their blood sugar.
248 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

To avoid getting in this situation I would suggest that you offer

your child food every two hours. This way your child will not get into
the situation of becoming too hungry to eat.

My child will only eat pureed food. How do I get him to eat solid food?
This could be a combination of a sensory challenge and the autistic
challenge of dealing with change. The key here would be to slowly
increase the consistency of the food toward solid food. Going straight
from pureed food to solid or lumpy food is too big a jump. Increase
the thickness first without making it lumpy. If your child allows this
then, slowly make it lumpy and work from there.
If your child only eats pureed food and has shown no ability to
chew, it may be because of low muscle tone in the mouth. If this is
the case, there are many exercises that you can do with your child to

py
increase the muscle tone of his mouth. The idea is to get the mouth
active and build-up stamina in the muscles, that way your child will be
co
able to sustain the activity of chewing. Some ideas:
• Have fun blowing musical instruments. The lip whistle [AQ] is
a great toy as it makes a noise if you blow in or out. You can
ew

also have fun with the penny whistle, kazoo, and harmonica.
• Encourage your child to drink through a straw.
vi

• Have a race to see who can blow a tissue paper ball through a
straw into a goal the quickest.
re

• Make funny faces moving your mouth in the mirror. Growl

like a lion or chirp like a bird.
• Before you start any of the above games, massage your child’s
mouth and jaw. This will help wake the area up and bring your
child’s attention to their mouths.

INTRODUCING NEW FOODS ACTION CHECKLIST

• Check to see if your child has food sensitivities with an autism
doctor.
• Consider eliminating, Gluten, Casein, and sugar from your
child’s diet.
 Introducing New Foods 249

• Research the different autism diets, such as:

ºº Gluten-free casein free diet
ºº Specific carbohydrate diet
ºº GAPS diet
ºº Body ecology diet
• Get prepared:
ºº Believe 100 percent in the diet you choose.
ºº Educate yourself on all the foods your child can eat.
ºº Get your kitchen ready by getting rid of any food your
child cannot eat.

py
ºº Explain to your child with autism his new diet and why it
is going to be so great for him.
co
ºº Explain this new diet to the whole family and the benefits
for them.
• Keep it to mostly “real” food, by avoiding packaged foods as
ew

much as possible.
• Give control when introducing new foods.
vi

• Love the new foods! Model eating them and how yummy they
are.
re

• Be super-easy and non-invasive when offering the new

• food.
• Have the new food easily available to your child.
• Get creative with how you present and cook the food.
• Experiment with different ways of giving your child the food.
• Bring food into playtime.
re
vi
ew
co
py
 RECOMMENDED READING
AND VIEWING

Autism Breakthrough: The Groundbreaking Method That Has Helped Families

All over the World by Raun K. Kaufman

py
Autism Micro Tutorials: Bite sized Son-Rise Program® Techniques by the
Autism Treatment Center of America (DVD)
co
Games4Socialization: Using the Son-Rise Program® Developmental Model by
the Autism Treatment Center of America (DVD)
Breakthrough Strategies for Autism Spectrum Disorders by Raun K. Kaufman
ew

(DVD)
Inspiring Journeys of Son-Rise Program Families (Free DVD)
vi

Autism Solutions (Free DVD)

Son-Rise: A Miracle of Love (NBC-TV movie, available on amazon.com)
re

Three books by Barry Neil Kaufman: Son-Rise: The Miracle Continues, A

Miracle to Believe In, and Happiness Is a Choice
The Autism Treatment Center YouTube channel has 100s of videos
filled with creative ideas and games to help your child on the
autism spectrum. You can view them at www.youtube.com/user/
autismtreatment

251
re
vi
ew
co
py
 REFERENCES

Avena, N.M., Rada, P., and Hoebel, B.G. (2009) ‘Sugar and fat bingeing have
notable differences in addictive-like behavior.’ Journal of Nutrition 139, 3,
623–628. [AQ]
Cespedes, E.M., Gillman, M.W., Kleinman, K., Rifas-Shiman, S.L., Redline, S.,
and Taveras, E.M. (2014) ‘Television viewing, bedroom television and sleep

[AQ]
py
duration from infancy and mid childhood.’ Pediatrics [Epub ahead of print].

Dworak, M., Schierl, T., Bruns, T., and Strüder, H. (2007) ‘Impact of singular
co
excessive computer game and television exposure on sleep patterns and
memory performance of school-aged children.’ Pediatrics 120, 5, 978–985.
[AQ]
Fleischmann, A. (2012) Carly’s Voice: Breaking Through Autism. New York, NY:
ew

Touchstone.
Gais, S., Lucas, B., and Born, J. (2006) ‘Sleep after learning aids memory recall.’
Learning and Memory 13, 259–262. [AQ]
vi

Higashida, N. (2013) The Reason I Jump: One Boy’s Voice from the Silence of Autism.
London: Hodder & Stoughton.
re

Hupbach, A., Gomez, R.L., Bootzin, R.R., and Nadel, L. (2009) ‘Nap-dependent
learning in infants.’ Developmental Science 12, 6, 1007–1012. [AQ]
Kaufman, R.K. (2014) Autism Breakthrough: The Groundbreaking Method That Has
Helped Families All over the World. New York, NY: St. Martins Press.
Kern, K., Trivedi, H., Garver, C., Grannemann, B., Andrews, A., Savla, J., Johnson,
D., Mehta, J., and Schroeder, J. (2006) ‘The pattern of sensory processing
abnormalities in autism.’ Autism 10, 5, 480–494. [AQ]
Mehrabian, A. (1972) Silent Messages: Implicit Communication of Emotions and
Attitudes. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth. [AQ]
Rosenthal, R. and Babad, E.Y. (1985) ‘Pygmalion in the gymnasium.’ Educational
Leadership 41, 1, 36–39.
Rosenthal, R. and Jacobson, L. (1968) Pygmalion in the Classroom: Teacher
Expectations and Pupils’ Intellectual Development. New York, NY: Holt, Rinehart
and Winston.
Sanchez A., Reeser, J.L., Lau, HS., Yahiku, P.Y., Willard, R.E., McMillan, P.J.,
Cho, S.Y., Magie, A.R. and Register, U.D. (1973) ‘Role of sugars in human

253
254 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

neutrophilic phagocytosis.’ American Journal of Clinical Nutrition 26, 11,

1180–1184. [AQ]
Thompson, D.A. and Christakis, D.A. (2005) ‘The association between television
viewing and irregular sleep schedules among children less than 3 years old.’
Pediatrics 116, 4, 851–856. [AQ]
Truss, C.O. (1981) ‘The role of Candida albicans in human illness.’ Journal of
Orthomolecular Psychiatry 10, 4, 228–238.
Truss, C.O. (1984) ‘Metabolic abnormalities in patients with chronic candidiasis:
The acetaldehyde hypothesis.’ Journal of Orthomolecular Psychiatry 13, 2, 66–
93.
United States Department of Agriculture (2003) ‘Profiling Food Consumption
in America.’ In Agriculture Factbook 2001–2002 (pp.12–21). Washington, DC:
USDA.
van der Helm, E., Gujar, N., and Walker, M.P. (2010) ‘Sleep deprivation impairs
the accurate recognition of human emotions.’ Sleep 33, 3, 335–342.

py
co
ew
vi
re
 References 255

py
co
ew
vi
re
256 AUTISTIC LOGISTICS

py
co
ew
vi
re