ATTRACTION & INTIMACY LECTURE OUTLINE (Recorded Lecture Notes)

 Our lifelong dependence on one another puts relationships at the core of our existence.
Aristotle himself called humans “the social animal” because we have a need to belong –
to connect with others in close relationships
 Indeed, our social attachments have power:
o Our ancestors’ mutual attachments enabled group survival
o Men and woman have bonds of love that can lead to children
o Children and caregivers’ social attachments enhance survival (parent and toddler
need to be connected to each other; when neglected, children become anxious)
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What leads to friendship and attraction?

 what predisposes one person to like or love another?

 How does proximity, physical attractiveness, similarity, feeling liked nurture liking and
loving?

PROXIMITY
 Powerful predictor of whether any two people are friends is sheer proximity
 Geographical nearness
 Sociologists found that most people marry someone who lives in the same
neighborhood, works at the same company/job, sits in the same class or visits the same
favorite place
 According to a survey, people married/in long-term relationships met at work or at
school; met when their paths crossed in the neighborhood, church, gym

INTERACTION
 “functional distance” – how often people’s path cross; we become friends who use the
same entrance, parking lots, recreation areas
 Interaction enables people to explore similarities, to sense one another’s liking, perceive
themselves as part of a social unit
 With repeated exposure to and interaction with someone, our infatuation may fix on
almost anyone who has roughly similar characteristics and who reciprocates our
affection

Why does proximity breed liking? Because of AVAILABILITY. There are fewer opportunities to
get to know someone who attends a different school or lives in another city/town

ANTICIPATION OF INTERACTION
 Merely anticipating interaction also boosts liking
 Expecting to date someone similarly boosts liking
 Anticipatory liking – expecting someone will be pleasant and compatible—increases
chance of forming a rewarding relationship
MERE EXPOSURE
 Mere exposure breeds pleasant feelings

PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS
 There is a lot of research studies that show appearance matters! Good looks are an
asset

Attractiveness and Dating

 A person’s physical attractiveness is a moderately good predictor of how frequently
she dates
 Women prefer mate who’s homely, warm than cold and attractive
 Men ranked attractiveness as important in a mate while women placed more
importance to honesty, humor, kindness, dependability

THE MATCHING PHENOMENON (so how do people pair off?)

 People tend to select friends, especially to marry, those who are a good match not
only to their level of intelligence, popularity, self-worth but also to their level of
attractiveness
 People often approach and invest more in pursuing someone whose attractiveness
roughly matches or not too greatly exceeds their own
 Happy couples who differ in perceived hotness; less attractive person often has
compensating qualities
 Men offer wealth, status, seek youth, attractiveness while women do the reverse
 The richer the man, the younger and more beautiful the woman

THE PHYSICAL-ATTRACTIVENESS STEREOTYPE

 We assume that beautiful people possess desirable traits
 We guess beautiful people are happier, sexually warmer, more outgoing, intelligent
an successful
 “what is beautiful is good”
 Children learn the stereotype quite early—Disney promotes it; Disney princesses are
beautiful and kind while the stepsisters are ugly and wicked
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Who is attractive?
 Attractiveness is whatever the people of any given place and time find attractive. It
varies.
 Symmetrical
o If you could merge either half of your face with its mirror image—thus forming a
perfectly symmetrical new face—you would boost your looks

The attractiveness of those we love…

 We also perceive likable people as attractive
  Those that are warm, helpful, considerate looked more attractive
 Love sees loveliness; the more in love a woman is with a man, the more physically
attractive she finds him; the more in love people are, the less attractive they find all
others of the opposite sex

Similarity vs. Complementarity

 Friends, engaged couples, spouses are far more likely than randomly paired people to
share common attitudes, beliefs, values
 Similarity breeds contempt. Birds of a feather do flock together.
o You have noticed this upon discovering a person who shares your ideas, values,
desires; special someone who likes the same food, activities, music you do

Liking those who like us

 An appealing someone really likes you seems to awaken romantic feelings
 Those told that certain others like or admire them usually feel a reciprocal affection
 Uncertainty can also fuel desire; thinking that someone probably likes you but aren’t
sure tends to increase your thinking about and feeling attracted to one another

RELATIONSHIP REWARDS
 We are attracted to those we find it satisfying and gratifying to be with
 Those who reward us or whom we associate with rewards we like
 If a relationship gives us more rewards than costs, we will like it and will wish it to
continue
 We not only like people who are rewarding to be with but also, those we associate with
good feelings
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WHAT IS LOVE?
 Loving is more complex than liking, more difficult to measure, more perplexing to study;
people yearn for it, live for it, die for it

Passionate Love
 Emotional, exciting, intense
 “state of intense longing for union with another”
 If reciprocated, one feels fulfilled, joyous, if not, one feels empty or despairing
 Roller coaster of elation, gloom, exhilaration, misery
 It is what you feel when you not only love someone but also are in love with him/her

Companionate Love
 Passionate love eventually simmers down once the relationship reaches stable orbit
 If a close relationship is to endure, it will settle to a steadier but still warm afterglow
 Passion-facilitating hormones subside while hormone oxytocin supports feeling of
attachment and trust
 Lower key; deep, affectionate attachment
WHAT ENABLES CLOSE RELATONSHIPS?
 How does attachment styles, equity, self-disclosure influence the ups and downs of our
close relationships

ATTACHMENT STYLES
 Adults display varying attachment styles in their relationships

1. SECURE ATTACHMENT
a. Trusting attachment style forms a working model of intimacy—a blueprint for
one’s adult intimate relationships
b. Underlying trust sustains relationships through times of conflict
c. Secure adults:
i. Find it easy to get close to others
ii. Don’t fret about getting too dependent, being abandoned
iii. Enjoy sexuality within the context of a secure, committed relationship
iv. Relationships tend to be satisfying and enduring
2. AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT
a. Tend to be less invested in relationships and more likely to leave them
b. More likely to engaged in one-night stands of sex without love
c. Avoidant individuals may be either fearful (getting close) or dismissing (want to
feel independent)
3. INSECURE ATTACHMENT
a. Infants tend to cling anxiously to their mother; if she leaves they cry; when she
returns they may be indifferent/hostile
b. Adults, insecure individuals are:
i. Less trusting
ii. More fretful of a partner’s becoming interested in someone else
iii. More possessive and jealous
iv. Break up repeatedly with the same person
v. When discussing conflicts, they get emotional and often angry

EQUITY
 Our society teaches us to exchange rewards
 What you and your partner get out of a relationship should be proportional to what you
each put into it
 If two people receive equal outcomes, they should contribute equally otherwise one or
the other will feel it is unfair
 If both feel their outcomes correspond to the assets and efforts each contributes then
both perceive equity
 Those in equitable relationships are typically content
SELF-DISCLOSURE
 A good marriage or close friendship—a relationship where trust displaces anxiety and
where we are free to open ourselves without fear of losing the other’s affection
 As a relationship grows, partners reveal more and more of themselves to each other;
their knowledge of each other penetrates to deeper levels
 In relationships that flourish, self-disclosure usually consists of sharing successes,
triumphs, mutual delight over good happenings
 We enjoy intimacy and it is gratifying to be singled out for another’s disclosure; we feel
pleased when a normally reserved person says that something about us “made me feel
like opening up” and shares confidential information
 Not only do we like those who disclose, we also disclose to whom we like
 Disclosure begets disclosure; we reveal more to those who have been open with us
 Intimate disclosure is seldom instant; it progresses like a dance

Effects of self-disclosure
 Dropping our masks, letting ourselves be known as we are, nurtures love
 It is gratifying to open up to another and then receive the trust another implies by being
open with us

HOW DO RELATIONSHIPS END? (Factors that predict marital dissolution and describe the
detachment process)

DIVORCE
 Individualists marry for as long as we both shall love
 Collectivists more often for life

People usually stay married if they:

 married after age 20.

 both grew up in stable, two-parent homes.
 dated for a long while before marriage.
 are well and similarly educated.
 enjoy a stable income from a good job.
 live in a small town or on a farm.
 did not cohabit or become pregnant before marriage.
 are religiously committed.
 are of similar age, faith, and education.

THE DETACHMENT PROCESS

Severing bonds produces a predictable sequence of agitated preoccupation with the lost
partner, followed by deep sadness and, eventually, the beginnings of emotional detachment,
a letting go of the old while focusing on someone new, and a renewed sense of self

 the closer and longer the relationship and the fewer the available alternatives, the more
painful the breakup
3 ways of coping with a failing relationship
1. LOYALTY
a. Waiting for conditions to improve
b. Problems are too painful to confront and the risks of separation are too great
c. The loyal partner perseveres, hoping the good old days will return
2. NEGLECT
a. Ignore the partner and allow relationship to deteriorate
b. Partners talk less and begin redefining their lives without each other
3. VOICE
a. Voice their concerns and take active steps to improve the relationship by
discussing problems, seeking advice and attempting to change