Module 3:

Relationship Skills
Introduction- Skills for Listening and Understanding, Skills
for choosing and starting relationship, Skills for anger
management, Coping with emotions and stress, Leadership skills.
Listening Skills
Effective listening is only accomplished through constant effort. Most people aren’t
willing to put out the effort required to become a truly effective listener. We might spend
moreenergy on this skill if we realize its importance.
According to research, we understand only about one-half of what we hear. After a
period of two months we recall only about one-quarter of what we heard. This is particularly
discouraging when we realize that we spend 70 percent of every day in verbal communication
and, of this, we spend 45 percent listening.
Although there are many reasons for ineffective listening, there’s one major reason for
it: poor listening habits.We acquire most of these habits through daily casual conversation
where habits of critical and comprehensive listening aren’t required. If we’re constantly critical
or if we attempt to retain everything we hear, we’re undertaking the impossible. On the other
hand, if we understand that effective listening is acquired and not inherited, we may seek to
acquire certain specific techniques that offer improvement.
There are no quick and easy answers but the following techniques may get you started.
• Decide On Your Purpose For Listening.
Are you listening for enjoyment, to discriminate between ideas or approaches, to learn
information, to act as a sounding-board to a friend, or to critically evaluate and judge? All of
these are good reasons to listen but will require different listening attitudes. Your purpose will
usually be determined by your priorities at the time. It is hard to listen critically or to listen for
learning when you’re rushed or under stress. You may need to control your listening
environment when listening effectiveness is critical. For instance, if you need to pass a course
you should prepare for the listening experience by bringing note-taking materials and reading
assignments, being on time, and arriving with a desire to learn. It’s common for students to
attend classes with the notion that they will learn by osmosis. They often aren’t aware of the
energy and attention required.
• Try Not To Assume You Know What Will Be Said Before It Is Said.
We often develop bad habits of not listening because we assume it will be of no interest
or use to us. We also make prior judgments about the amount of resistance or approval we will
get from someone. With these prior notions we act without hearing or waiting to hear the
speaker. We could improve our listening skills significantly by exercising patience and, even
if we think we know what will be said, allow the speaker to finish.
• Try Not to Let Your Biases control Your Listening.
We all have certain prejudices and stereotypes that influence how we receive speakers.
You may refuse to listen to someone because they are overdressed, foreign, overweight, too
loud, too old, or even because they’re opinionated. Attitudes such as this
affect our listening habits by making us defensive and argumentative, or cause us to shut
them out altogether.
• Try To Monitor Your Listening Through Feedback.
Whenever possible, ask clear and thoughtful questions. If these questions are asked in
the right spirit the speaker has an opportunity to repeat, expand, or clarify his or her message.
Remember that you’re the other half of the communication process and your reactions are
critical to producing good communication for both you and the speaker.
• Learn to listen for the Speaker’s Purpose.
This purpose may be stated or unstated. It’s the basic reason the speaker has for
speaking. We often assume early on that some speakers don’t know why they’re speaking.
Often this is true but lets not be took quick to judge. I have often found that a speaker who has
some difficulty getting started, or who was a little disorganized, might recover and provide
worthwhile information. Concentrate on what the speaker states as a purpose rather than what
you have supposed is his or her purpose.
• Don’t Yield To Distractions.
Our lives are noisy and confusing but we shouldn’t use this as a convenient excuse for
not listening. We can overcome some of the distraction by reducing noise and adjusting the
listening environment. If we have no control over the distractions then we must rely on intense
concentration to get as much as possible from the speaker.
There is no communication skill more important to a leader than listening, yet many
persons aspiring to be leaders neglect this skill. It seems to take so little effort to hear a
speaker’s words, but this isn’t listening. The kind of practice we need in the techniques listed
above will require that we monitor our habits and actively work to improve them.
Coping with emotions and stress
The term copingis used to describe how people respond to stressful events andmanage
the emotions caused by these events. Children and adults use various coping strategies
depending on the stressful event they are facing. For example, some coping strategies work
toward managing a stressful situation directly, others aim to help an individual manage the
emotions associated with the stressor, and still others serve to helpfully distract an individual
from the situation at hand. In other words, depending on the situation, it may be helpful for
children to use problem-solving skills to address the problem directly, to use relaxation
techniques to manage their emotions, or to engage in an activity that might distract them from
the stressful situation In addition to learning how to cope with stressful situations, it is also
important for children to engage in activities that buffer them against the effects of unavoidable
stress. Many of these activities are outlined.
Coping and Gender
There are some differences in how boys and girls cope with stress. Research indicates
that while boys often use humor to cope with peer related stress, girls are more likely than boys
to cope through seeking support and expressing emotions. Other research shows that girls are
more likely than boys to use engagement coping — a term used to describe coping strategies
that are directed at a specific stressor and are generally intended to change the situation - to
address problems with peers. However, girls are also more likely to ruminate on their negative
feelings and to self-blame or worry in response to stress. It may be especially important to help
girls “let go” of some concerns instead of ruminating when stressed.
Coping and Physical Activity
One way that girls can take good care of themselves is by getting sufficient physical
activity. Not only does physical activity contribute to physical health, it also has numerous
benefits for overall psychological health and well-being. Research shows that adolescents who
participate in intense physical activity show decreased levels of perceived stress and anxiety.
However, physical activity does not need to be intense to produce benefits for coping with
stress. Both moderate and vigorouslevels of physical activity have been linked with higher
levels of “mental toughness,” or “grit” in adolescents and adults. In addition, lowintensity yoga
has been shown to positively affect the body’s reaction to stress bylowering blood pressure and
levels of cortisol in the body and improving perceptions of mood, anxiety, and fatigue.
Coping and Leisure Activities
There are many competing demands for girls’ time and attention, and children and
adolescents often complain of not having enough free time. However, leisure time is important
for girls of all ages. In children, leisure time often involves play. Unstructured play has many
benefits related to coping, creativity, and physical and social-emotional development. The
creativity developed through play is associated with access to a wider range of coping
behaviors to address everyday problems and stressful situations. Research also shows that
leisure time improves coping and reduces stress in adolescents. Leisure activities such as
spending time with family, playing sports, volunteering, or engaging in hobbies are associated
with improved coping. Unstructured leisure activities, such as hanging out, going to the mall,
or watching movies, also appear to play a role in adolescents’ positive coping with stress.
Leisure activities are most beneficial when individuals engage in activitiesthat are positive,
fulfilling, and otherchoosing. Engagement in and positiveattitudes toward leisure time have
been linked to lower symptoms of anxiety and depression and increased positive feelings.

Coping Through Relaxation Skills

In addition to activities that enhance girls’ general well-being and psychological health,
specific coping and relaxation skills are another way of improving overall stress management.
Relaxation and coping skills programs teach students about the physiology of stress, how to
identify personal stressors, and how to become relaxed using breathing, musclerelaxation, and
mindfulness techniques. Programs for middle school and high school students show numerous
benefits, including improved academic performance, lower perceived stress, and improved
sleep and well-being.
Emotion Focussed Coping Strategies
• Reduced Perfectionism
One of the biggest sources of stress in people's lives is the attempt to live up to the
impossible standards they set for themselves. People expect themselves to perform consistently
at high levels, even when they are trying to get too much done in too little time. They expect
themselves to be efficient "machines" at work even when they are ill or pre- occupied with
personal problems. Sometimes a good way of dealing with stress is to accept less than one's
very best every once in a while. Not that people should become lazy or lackadaisical, but rather
they should realize that not every performance can be stellar, and the
world will not stop turning if they are not perfect every time. Learning to live with a little less
is not compromising standards. It is dealing life more realistically.
• Increased Social Support
A very effective way of coping with job stress is to seek out social support from others.
When people feel stressed, it helps to have friends and colleagues who are supportive. Friends
can provide an outlet for blowing off steam; they can support lagging self-confidenceor self-
esteem; they can be confided in about personal and work-related problems.
• Increased Tolerance of Ambiguity
Throughout school, most people receive clear homework assignments, objectivetests,
and frequent feedback. The work world is not like that. Most of the problems managers work
on are ill-defined: little feedback is received; the criteria for success are much fuzzier. Certainly
it makes sense to try to reduce role ambiguity wherever possible. However, employees can
never obtain the role clarity they had as students, and they might be better off becoming more
tolerant of ambiguity.
• Relaxation Techniques
Relaxation techniques are another type of emotion-focused coping device. When
individuals can't change the stressful work situation, they can sometimes cope with it more
effectively if they are claimer. Some researchers have found that people experience a
"relaxation response" if: (1) they are in a quiet environment' (2) they close their eyes; (3) they
get into a comfortable position; and (4) they keep on repeating a simple sound to block out
work-related thoughts. While the research in this area is still relatively new and sketchy, there
is some evidence that such a "relaxation response" can decrease muscle tension, heart rate,
blood pressure, and rate of breathing.
• Health Maintenance
Researchers in the area of stress have advocated increased health maintenance for those
in high stress jobs. Proper diet, proper exercise, and enough sleep can keep he body in better
shape for dealing with stress. When employees are tired and run down, they are much more
likely to let their jobs get on their nerves. They eat too much junk food, drink coffee to keep
them going and consider walking to the vending machine as sufficient exercise. People are
much more likely to get physically sick or emotionally depressed if they are out of shape, over
tired, or poorly nourished.
Leadership
In every individual, all kinds of leadership skills may be present but their relative
concentrations vary. The implication for the top management is that organizational success
depends on allocating tasks and responsibilities to individuals based on their talents and
capabilities. The message for the individual is that one should identify where his/her
predominant leadership skills lie and as far as possible try to seek tasks which are in tune with
them. When there is little scope for choosing tasks in accordance with one’s leadership
endowments, developing skills required for the tasks at hand become imperative.
Leadership Styles
Based on “how” a leader performs his/her tasks, various leadership styles can be
identified, viz.
 1. Autocratic
a) Authoritarian
b) Paternalistic
2. Democratic
3. Laissez faire (free rein)
The basis for the above classification is two fold, viz.,
(i) Mode of decision making
(ii) Manner of implementation
1. Autocratic leadership style: As the term suggests, this is a leader-centred style where
followers are reduced to insignificance. The autocratic leadership style itself has two
variations, viz., authoritarian and paternalistic.
(a) Authoritarian Leadership Style: The authoritarian leader takes all decisions by
himself/herself and will try to implement them even resorting to the use of force or coercion.
The authoritarian leader is only concerned about the “tasks” but not the “people” with whom
the tasks have to be achieved. If his/her followers/subordinates approach him/her with a
problem, they face in implementing the leaders decisions or carrying out his/her orders, the
leader takes the stand, I am not bothered about your problems. You .................... expedite and
report”.
(b) Paternalistic leadership style: Leaders who exhibit this style assume the parental
role for themselves. They also take all decisions like the authoritarian leaders, but when it
comes to implementation they resort to tact and diplomacy rather than force and coercion. The
paternalistic leader considers his followers as immature children incapable of making decision
and needing about the task as well as the people. If subordinates approach a paternalistic leader
with their problems, they can expect empathic understanding and consideration. The
paternalistic leader may be expected to sit with the subordinates to sort out their problems and
help them reach or identify solutions.
2. Democratic leadership style: The style of leadership which recognises and respects
every member of the group or team as an individual with capabilities, rights and
responsibilities and a potential contributor to the group processes including task
achievements, is called democratic leadership style. Where democratic leadership style
is followed, decision making and implementation are consultative andparticipative
processes. It should be appreciated that the situation is not akin to one, where say, in a
group of 100, what 51 people suggest is accepted and the opinions and suggestions of
the remaining 49 are rejected mercilessly. That at best betermed majocracy. Where
democratic leadership style is practised, one is free to express his/her opinions as
everybody’s opinions and their right to express them are respected. A member gets an
opportunity to understand why his/her suggestions are not accepted as the group’s
decision, even when that is the case. The ultimate group decision is everybody’s. When
one had a say in the making of a decision, a high level of commitment may be expected
to be exhibited by the group members for its achievement.
3. Laissez faire or free rein leadership style: Whether one follows autocracy or
democracy as a leadership style, the leader will be performing the basic functions of
providing direction and control to the group. The autocratic and democratic leaders
differ only in the manner in which they perform the direction and control functions.
Apart from this, there are leaders who follow a policy of “no intervention” in group
 processes. Their style is called “Laissez faire” or “free rein”. There are behavioural
scientists who even object to considering this as “leadership” as the “leader” does not
discharge the basic functions of direction and control. However, one may find many in
leadership positions practising this style.
Discussion on Leadership Styles
To decide on the “best leadership style” one has to enumerate the merits and demerits
of each, evaluate their effectiveness and efficiency and more than anything else, see whether
they deliver the goods”. Analysis of the various leadership styles conclusively proves that there
does not exist something as the “best” leadership style. If there existed one, it should have
proved successful under all circumstances. It can be observed that different leadership styles
produce the best results under different conditions and circumstances.
That which results in the most favourable and desirable outcome under any particular
circumstances is the “right” leadership style in that context. The success of the manager
depends on his/her ability to identify the “right” leadership style in that context. The success
of the manager depends on his/her ability to identify the “right” leadership style in any given
situation and then exhibit enough flexibility and adaptability to practice that style.

Sources of Leader Influence on Followers

What provides a leader with the capacity to influence followers? Why will
subordinates respond to the influence attempts of a leader by doing that the leader intends or
wishes them to do? In other words, what is the source of the leader’s power over subordinates?
Five distinct sources of leader power or influence have been identified. Any particular leader
may have at his or her disposal any combination of these different sources ofpower.
1. Reward Power refers to the leader’s capacity to reward followers. To the extent that
a leader possesses and controls rewards that are valued by subordinates, the leader’s power
increases. Rewards at a leader’s disposal fall into two categories. Rewards such as praise,
recognition and attention are sources of personal power possessed by the leader as an
individual. In addition, a leader also usually controls certain organizational rewards, such as
pay raises, promotions and other perquisites. These are sources of power that depend uponthe
leader’s position in the organization.
2. Coercive power is the flip side of reward power and refers to the leader’s capacity
to coerce or punish followers. Sources of coercive power also break down into personal and
positional components. Leaders personally possess coercive power to the extent that followers
experience criticism or lack of recognition from their leader as unpleasant or punishing. In
addition, leaders possess coercive power to the extent that their position permits them to
administer organizational sources of punishment (such as demotion, with holding of pay
increases or firing) to followers.
3. Legitimate power refer to the power a leader possesses as a result of occupying a
particular position or role in the organization. In every organization, certain types of requests
and directions issued by leaders to subordinates are viewed to be legitimate and valid.
Subordinates are obligated to comply with such requests because of the norms, policies, and
procedures accepted as legitimate by all members of the organization. Legitimate power is
clearly a function of the leader’s position in the organization and is completely independent
of any of the leader’s personal characteristics.
 4. Expert power refers to power that a leader possesses as a result of his or her
knowledge and expertise regarding the tasks to be performed by subordinates. Subordinates
are most likely to respond positively to a leader’s attempts to influence their behaviour if they
view the leader as a competent and in possession of knowledge and information regarding
effective task performance that they themselves lack. The possession of expert power by a
leader obviously depends upon the personal characteristics of the leader (ie., his or her personal
expertise) and is not determined by the formal position that the leader occupies in the
organization.
5. Referent power is dependent upon the extent to which subordinates identify with,
look up to and wish to emulate the leader. The more that subordinates admire and identify with
the leaders, the greater the leader’s referent power over subordinates. Referent power, like
expert power, is totally dependent upon the personal characteristics of the leader and does not
depend directly upon the leader’s formal organizational position.
Developing Leadership Skills
No one is a born leader - everyone can develop leadership skills and everyone can
benefit from using them.First, take time to honestly analyze yourself. Learn to understand
yourself. It’s the first step to understanding others.
Consider these important questions:
1. What kind of leader am I? One who helps solve problems? A leader who helps people get
along? How do others see me as a leader?
2. What are my goals, purposes, and expectations in working with this particular group?
Identify areas for improvement. Ask yourself these questions:
a) Do I try to be aware of how others think and feel?
b) Do I try to help others perform to the best of their abilities?
c) Am I willing to accept responsibility?
d) Am I willing to try new ideas and new ways of doing things?
e) Am I able to communicate with others effectively?
f) Am I a good problem solver?
g) Do I accept and appreciate other perspectives and opinions?
h) Am I aware of current issues and concerns on campus or in my community?
Then--after analyzing your strengths and weaknesses--take action. Devise a strategy for
upgrading your skills. Here are a few strategies to consider:
1) Communicate effectively.
Effective communication is dialogue. Barriers are created by speaking down to people,
asking closed questions that elicit yes or no answers, using excessive authority, and promoting
a culture that depends on unanimity. If your focus is winning the argument or if you react
defensively to criticism, you’ll create fear of openness and hinder the organization’sgrowth.
Try these steps to effective communication:
• Listen actively-ask open questions. Be genuinely interested in what other’s say.
• Thank people for their openness--stress how much you value it--even if you don’t like
specifically what is being said.
• Point to areas of agreement before jumping on areas of disagreement-this reduces
defensiveness; members wont fear being “attacked.”
 • Set aside your authority to create an atmosphere of partnership to reduce fear in group
members.
• Promote a culture of constructive dissent-though not to the point of paralysis.
• Portray disagreement as simply a difference of opinion. Get rid of the “I’m right,
you’re wrong” attitude.
2) Encourage enthusiasm and a sense of belonging:
• Friendliness: others will be more willing to share ideas if you’re interested in them as
people too.
• Understanding: everyone makes mistakes. Try to be constructive, tolerant and tactful
when offering criticism.
• Fairness: equal treatment and equal opportunity lead to an equally good effort fromall
group members.
• Integrity: members will take tasks more seriously if you show that you’re more
interested in group goals than your own personal gain.
3) Keep everyone working toward agreed upon goals:
• Remind everyone of the group’s purposes from time to time. It’s easy to become too
narrowly focused and lose sight of the larger goals.
• Provide encouragement and motivation, by showing your appreciation for good ideas
and extra effort.
• Harmonize differences and disagreements between group members by stressing
compromise and cooperation.
• Involve everyone in discussions and decisions, even if asking for opinions and ideas
means a longer discussion.
4) Get to know the people around you
Everyone has different abilities, wants, needs, and purpose in life. To get along with others
and get results, you need to get to know them.
• Interact with group members as often as possible. The only way to get to know
someone is through direct personal contact.
• Become familiar with every member of your group. Take note of each person’s
unique qualities and characteristics.
5) Treat others as individuals
Put your knowledge and understanding of each group member to work!
• Be aware of expectations. Everyone expects something different: recognition, a chance
to learn, a chance to work with other people, etc.
• Be creative. A repetitious routine can cause boredom. A successful leader thinks of new
and better approaches to old ways of doing things.
• Provide rewards. Recognition by the group is a source of personal satisfaction and
positive reinforcement for a job well done.
• Delegate responsibilities. If everyone shares the work, everyone can share pride inthe
group’s accomplishments. Let each member know what’s expected of him/her,
available resources, deadlines, etc.
6) Accept responsibility for getting things done
• Take the initiative. Why stand around and wait for someone else to get things started?
Set an example.
• Offer help and information. Your unique knowledge and skills may be just what’s
needed.
• Seek help and information. Ask for advice if you need it. This will encourage group
involvement and help accomplish group goals.
• Make things happen. By being decisive, energetic, and enthusiastic, you can and will
help get things done!
• Know when and how to say “no.” If your time and resources are already committed,
turn down extra tasks, but do it nicely.
7) Problem solve in a step-by-step way
Whether you are faced with a decision to make or a conflict to resolve, following a
logical approach will help.
I. State the problem as simply and clearly as possible.
II. Gather all relevant information and available resources.
III. Brainstorm as many ideas or solutions as you can think of (with others if possible).
IV. Evaluate each idea or solution and choose the best one.
V. Design a plan for using your idea or solution. Include a timetable, assigned roles, and
resources to be used.
VI. Follow up on your plan by asking if your idea worked and why or why not.
What is anger?
Often when we are angry, the main thing that we are aware of is our angry mood. Our
mood can vary in strength from a mild irritation to a white-hot rage. When it reaches its
strongest, it is unlikely that we will be aware of much else. However, when we look for causes
of our anger, we most often direct our attention outwards, to events or people in our immediate
world or surroundings. For instance, the lazy motorist holding up traffic in the first example at
the beginning of this leaflet, the careless children in the second, or the rude behaviour of the
people in the shop.
The psychological explanation of anger recognises that our mood is a key part of the
anger, but it is not the only part. In order to understand the causes of anger better, we need to
look at the other parts in a systematic way, and to see how they fit together and influence each
other. It is helpful to separate the personal aspects of anger into our mood, thoughts, bodily
reactions and impulsive behaviour. The other part we need to consider is the outside world or
our surroundings. We need to look at how changes in this affect us, and how we in turn may
make changes in our behaviour that affect our environment.Anger becomes a problem when it
becomes too strong, happens too often, lasts too long, spoils relationships or work and in
particular if it leads to violence or aggression.
What causes anger?
Anger can vary from mild irritation to intense fury and rage. As with all emotion, bodily
changes go with it – heart rate goes up, blood pressure goes up as our body is preparedfor "fight
or flight" (to get away). It can be caused by reacting to things outside us such as other people
or events (such as the traffic jam in the first example) or by worrying over our own personal
problems. Upsetting memories from the past can lead to angry thoughts and
feelings. It is important to note that it is not people or events that make you angry it is your
reaction to them that makes you angry.
Some people tend to be angrier than others. Research has shown that they have a low
tolerance for frustration. They can’t take things in their stride. It may be that some people are
naturally more like this from birth, but it may also be that they have not learned to handle anger
and to express their feelings in other ways. Some people come from families that are poor at
handling emotion and talking, families where levels of anger are high. These people are more
likely to have difficulties with anger.
Getting very angry is never helpful and the belief that it can make you feel better is not
true. Research has found that if you let your anger loose it can get out of control. Being angry
means you do not learn to handle the situation. It is best to begin to understand your anger and
gain control over it.
In summary
Anger affects the way we feel, think and behave. It causes a number of symptoms in
our body. It can be caused by our reactions to things happening around us or by our own
thoughts and worries. We may be more likely to be angry by nature or may never have learned
to control our anger and express our feelings more helpfully.
Anger Management
1. Explore what’s really behind your anger
2. Be aware of your anger warning signs and triggers
• Knots in your stomach
• Clenching your hands or jaw
• Feeling clammy or flushed
• Breathing faster
• Headaches
• Pacing or needing to walk around
• “Seeing red”
• Having trouble concentrating
• Pounding heart
• Tensing your shoulders
3. Identify the Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) that Trigger Anger
• Overgeneralizing
“You always interrupt me. You NEVER consider my needs. EVERYONE
disrespects me. I NEVER get the credit I deserve.”
• Obsessing on “shoulds” and “musts.”
Having a rigid view of the way things should or must be and getting angry
when reality doesn’t line up with your vision
• Mind reading and jumping to conclusions
Assuming you “know” what someone else is thinking or feeling-that he or she
intentionally trying to upset you, ignore your wishes, or disrespect you.
• Collecting straws
Looking for things to get upset about, usually while overlooking or blowing past
anything positive. These irritations can build and build until you reach the“final
straw” and explode, often over something relatively minor.
• Blaming
 When anything bad happens or goes wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault.
You blame others for the things that happen to you rather than taking
responsibility for your own life.
4. Avoid people, places, and situations that bring out your worst
Identify stressful events that affect you

nd try to identify activities, times of day, people,

places, or situations that trigger irritable or angry feelings.
• Consider ways to avoid these triggers or view the situation differently so it
doesn’t make your blood boil.
5. Learn ways to cool down
Once you know how to recognize the warning signs that your temper is rising and anticipate
your triggers, you can act quickly to deal with your anger before it spins out of control
Focus on the physical sensations of anger
Tune into the way your body feels when you’re angry this can lessen the emotional
intensity of your anger
Take some deep breaths
Deep, slow breathing helps counteract increasing tension. Breathe deeply from the
abdomen, getting as much fresh air as possible into your lungs.
Exercise
Walk around the block
This releases pent-up energy so you can approach the situation with a cooler head
Use your senses
Take advantage of the relaxing power of your sense of sight, smell, hearing, touch,
and taste.
Listening to music
Visualize a favourite place
Stretch/massage areas of tension
Roll your shoulders if you are tensing them
Gently massage your neck and scalp
6. Find healthier ways to express your anger
• If you determine the situation is worth getting angry about and there’s a positive
benefit to addressing the issue, express your feelings in an assertive manner.
• Anger can be a tremendous source of energy and inspiration for change when
it is communicated respectfully and channelled effectively.
7. Meditation
Meditation is an effective way to produce feelings of calm and relaxation. The main
action of meditation is to keep the mind free of thoughts and just be. There are many
different methods of meditation, so people should do some experimenting to determine
which one suits them best.
8. Visualization
Visualize the sights, smells, sounds, touch and tastes of a relaxing experience or place
can alleviate anger. The place or experience pictured can be from a favourite memory,
something seen in a book or on television, or an image completely made up from a
 person's imagination, says the American Psychological Association. The focus should
be on the relaxing experience, which will shift attention from the source of anger and
calm frayed nerves. Some examples including concentrating on the visual image of a
candle, concentrating on the particles of the inner eyelid or picturing white light
surrounding the body.
9. Affirmations or Counting
Mental or verbal affirmations or counting can help the rational mind regain control over
anger feelings. Saying a word or phrase such as "relax" or "I am calm" can help soothe
feelings of anger. Repeat until control is re-established. Using this technique in
combination with deep breathing can be particularly effective.
Critical Thinking
Yes, surely we have all heard business executives, policy makers, civic leaders, and
educators talking about critical thinking. At times we found ourselves wondering exactly
what critical thinking was and why is it considered so useful and important? We could make
a deeper look into it.
Critical thinking has been defined in many different ways. Very broad definitions
include ‘thinking which has a purpose’ or ‘reflective judgement’. However, these definitions
are often too general to be useful to students.
In order to display critical thinking, students need to develop skills in
♦ interpreting: understanding the significance of data and to clarify its meaning
♦ analysing: breaking information down and recombining it in different ways
♦ reasoning: creating an argument through logical steps
♦ evaluating: judging the worth, credibility or strength of accounts.
Core Critical Thinking Skills
The cognitive skills here is what the experts include as being at the very core of
critical thinking: interpretation, analysis, evaluation, inference, explanation, and self-
regulation.
Interpretation is “to comprehend and express the meaning or significance of a wide
variety of experiences, situations, data, events, judgments, conventions, beliefs, rules,
procedures, or criteria.”
Interpretation includes the sub-skills of categorization, decoding significance, and
clarifying meaning. Can you think of examples of interpretation? How about recognizing a
problem and describing it without bias? How about reading a person’s intentions in the
expression on her face; distinguishing a main idea from subordinate ideas in a text;
constructing a tentative categorization or way of organizing something you are studying;
paraphrasing someone’s ideas in your own words; or, clarifying what a sign, chart or graph
means? What about identifying an author’s purpose, theme, or point of view? How about
what you did above when you clarified what “offensive violence” meant?
Analysis is “to identify the intended and actual inferential relationships among
statements, questions, concepts, descriptions, or other forms of representation intended to
express belief, judgment, experiences, reasons, information, or opinions.” The experts include
examining ideas, detecting arguments, and analyzing arguments as sub-skills of analysis.
Again, can you come up with some examples of analysis? What about identifying the
similarities and differences between two approaches to the solution of a given problem? What
about picking out the main claim made in a newspaper editorial and tracing back the various
reasons the editor offers in support of that claim? Or, what about identifying unstated
assumptions; constructing a way to represent a main conclusion and the various reasons given
to support or criticize it; sketching the relationship of sentences or paragraphs to each other
and to the mainpurpose of the passage?
Evaluation means “to assess the credibility of statements or other representations
which are accounts or descriptions of a person’s perception, experience, situation, judgment,
belief, or opinion; and to assess the logical strength of the actual or intended inferential
relationships among statements, descriptions, questions or other forms of representation.” Your
examples? How about judging an author’s or speaker’s credibility, comparing the strengths
and weaknesses of alternative interpretations, determining the credibility of a source of
information, judging if two statements contradict each other, or judging if the evidence at hand
supports the conclusion being drawn? Among the examples the experts propose are these:
“recognizing the factors which make a person a credible witness regarding a given event or a
credible authority with regard to a given topic,” “judging if an argument’s conclusion follows
either with certainty or with a high level of confidence from its premises,” “judging the logical
strength of arguments based on hypothetical situations,” “judging if a given argument is
relevant or applicable or has implications for the situation at hand.”
Inference means “to identify and secure elements needed to draw reasonable
conclusions; to form conjectures and hypotheses; to consider relevant information and to
reduce the consequences flowing from data, statements, principles, evidence, judgments,
beliefs, opinions, concepts, descriptions, questions, or other forms of representation.” As sub-
skills of inference the experts list querying evidence, conjecturing alternatives, and drawing
conclusions. Can you think of some examples of inference? You might suggest things like
seeing the implications of the position someone is advocating, or drawing out or constructing
meaning from the elements in a reading. You may suggest that predicting what will happen
next based what is known about the forces at work in a given situation, or formulating a
synthesis of related ideas into a coherent perspective. How about this: after judging that it
would be useful to you to resolve a given uncertainty, developing a workable plan to gather
that information? Or, when faced with a problem, developing a set of options for addressing it.
What about, conducting a controlled experiment scientifically and applying the proper
statistical methods to attempt to confirm or disconfirm anempirical hypothesis?
Beyond being able to interpret, analyse, evaluate and infer, strong critical thinkers can
do two more things. They can explain what they think and how they arrived at that judgment.
And, they can apply their powers of critical thinking to themselves and improve on their
previous opinions. These two skills are called “explanation” and “self-regulation.”
Explanation- being able to present in a cogent and coherent way the results of one’s
reasoning. This means to be able to give someone a full look at the big picture: both “to state
and to justify that reasoning in terms of the evidential, conceptual, methodological,
criteriological, and contextual considerations upon which one’s results were based; and to
present one’s reasoning in the form of cogent arguments.” The sub-skills under explanation are
describing methods and results, justifying procedures, proposing and defending with good
reasons one’s causal and conceptual explanations of events or points of view, and presenting
full and well-reasoned, arguments in the context of seeking the best understandings possible.
Your examples first, please... Here are some more: to construct a chart which organizes one’s
findings, to write down for future reference your current thinking on some important and
complex matter, to cite the standards and contextual factors used to judge the quality of an
interpretation of a text, to state research results and describe the methods and criteria used to
achieve those results, to appeal to established criteria as a way of showing the reasonableness
of a given judgment, to design a graphic display which accurately represents the subordinate
and superordinate relationship among concepts or ideas, to cite the evidence that led you to
accept or reject an author’s position on an issue, to list the factors that were considered in
assigning a final course grade. Maybe the most remarkable cognitive skill of all, however, is
this next one. This one is remarkable because it allows strong critical thinkers to improve their
own thinking. In a sense this is critical thinking applied to itself. Because of that some people
want to call this “metacognition,” meaning it raises thinking to another level. But “another
level” really does not fully capture it, because at that next level up what self- regulation does
is look back at all the dimensions of critical thinking and double check itself. Self-regulation
is like a recursive function in mathematical terms, which means it can applyto everything,
including itself. You can monitor and correct an interpretation you offered. You can examine
and correct an inference you have drawn. You can review and reformulate one of your own
explanations. You can even examine and correct your ability to examine and correct yourself!
How? It is as simple as stepping back and saying to yourself, “How am I doing? Have I missed
anything important?
Self-regulation means “self-consciously to monitor one’s cognitive activities, the
elements used in those activities, and the results educed, particularly by applying skills in
analysis, and evaluation to one’s own inferential judgments with a view toward questioning,
confirming, validating, or correcting either one’s reasoning or one’s results.” The two sub-
skills here are self-examination and self-correction. Examples? Easy - to examine your views
on a controversial issue with sensitivity to the possible influences of your personal biases or
self-interest, to check yourself when listening to a speaker in order to be sure you are
understanding what the person is really saying without introducing your own ideas, tomonitor
how well you seem to be understanding or comprehending what you are reading or
experiencing, to remind yourself to separate your personal opinions and assumptions from
those of the author of a passage or text, to double check yourself by recalculating the figures,
to vary your reading speed and method mindful of the type of material and your purpose for
reading, to reconsider your interpretation or judgment in view of further analysis of the facts
of the case, to revise your answers in view of the errors you discovered in your work, to change
your conclusion in view of the realization that you had misjudged the importance of certain
factors when coming to your earlier decision.
Creative Thinking-Stages, Strategies to improve creativity

This is also a controlled thinking in which the creative thinker whether artist, writer or a
scientist is trying to create something new. It involves characteristics of both reasoning and
imagination. Creative thinking is a process in which the individual generates an original,
unusual and productive solution to a problem.

It is defined as personal, imaginative thinking which produces a new, novel and useful solution.
Unlike ordinary solution to problems, creative solutions are the new one to the effect that other
people have not thought before.

The product of creative thinking may be a new and unique way of conceptualizing the world
around us. The emphasis in creative thinking is on the word ‘new’. In human beings we find
two kinds of productive abilities – the convergent and divergent abilities.
Convergent abilities are used to bring together otherwise divergent things. Divergent
production abilities are those which are not guided by rules or conventions, but capable of
generating new solutions to a problem. Divergent production abilities are particularly
important in creative thinking.

Creative thinking involves four stages:

1. Preparation:

In this stage the thinker formulates the problem and collects the facts and materials considered
necessary for finding new solutions. Many times the problem cannot be solved even after days,
weeks or months of concentrated efforts. Failing to solve the problem, the thinker turns away
from it initiating next stage.

2. Incubation:

During this period some of the ideas that were interfering with the solution will tend to fade.
The overt activity and sometimes even thinking about the problem is absent in this stage. But
the unconscious thought process involved in creative thinking is at work during this period.

Apparently the thinker will be busy in other activities like reading literature or playing games,
etc. Inspite of these activities the contemplation about finding a solution to problem will be
going on in the mind.

3. Illumination:

Following the period of incubation the creative ideas occur suddenly. Consequently the
obscure thing becomes clear. This sudden flash of solution is known as illumination and is
similar to ‘aha (eureka)’ experience. For example, Archimedes found solution to the crown
problem.

4. Verification:

Though the solution is found in illumination stage, it is necessary to verify whether that
solution is correct or not. Hence in this last stage evaluation of the solution is done. If the
solution is not satisfactory the thinker will go back to creative process from the beginning.

If it is satisfactory, the same will be accepted and if necessary, minor modification may also
be made in solution.

Decision Making
Decision making is a process that chooses a preferred option or a course of actions from
among a set of alternatives on the basis of given criteria or strategies (Wang, Wang, Patel, &
Patel, 2004; Wilson &Keil, 2001).Decision making is the study of identifying and choosing
alternatives based on the values and preferences of the decision maker. Making a decision
implies that there are alternative choices to be considered, and in such a case we want not only
to identify as many of these alternatives as possible but to choose the one that best fits with our
goals, objectives, desires, values, and so on. (Harris (1980))
 According to Baker et al. (2001), decision making should start with the identification
of the decision maker(s) and stakeholder(s) in the decision, reducing the possible disagreement
about problem definition, requirements, goals and criteria. Then, a general decision making
process can be divided into the following steps:
Step 1. Define the problem
“This process must, as a minimum, identify root causes, limiting assumptions, system
and organizational boundaries and interfaces, and any stakeholder issues. The goal is to express
the issue in a clear, one-sentence problem statement that describes both the initial conditions
and the desired conditions” Of course, the one-sentence limit is often exceeded in the practice
in case of complex decision problems. The problem statement must however be a concise and
unambiguous writtenmaterial agreed by all decision makers and stakeholders. Even if it can be
sometimes a long iterative process to come to such an agreement, it is a crucial and necessary
point before proceeding to the next step.
Step 2. Determine requirements
“Requirements are conditions that any acceptable solution to the problem must meet.
Requirements spell out what the solution to the problem mustdo.” In mathematical form, these
requirements are the constraints describing the set of the feasible (admissible) solutions of the
decision problem. It is very important that even if subjective or judgmental evaluations may
occur in the following steps, the requirements must be stated in exact quantitative form,
i.e. for any possible solution it has to be decided unambiguously whether it meets the
requirements or not. We can prevent the ensuing debates by putting down the requirements and
how to check them in a written material.
Step 3. Establish goals
“Goals are broad statements of intent and desirable programmatic values Goals go
beyond the minimum essential must have(i.e. requirements) to wantsand desires.” In
mathematical form, the goals are objectives contrary to the requirements that are constraints.
The goals may be conflicting but this is a natural concomitant of practical decision situations.
Step 4. Identify alternatives
“Alternatives offer different approaches for changing the initial condition into the
desired Condition”. Be it an existing one or only constructed in mind, any alternative must
meet the requirements. If the number of the possible alternatives is finite, we can check one by
one if it meets the requirements. The infeasible ones must be deleted (screened out) from the
further consideration, and we obtain the explicit list of the alternatives. If the number of the
possible alternatives is infinite, the set of alternatives is considered as the set of the solutions
fulfilling the constraints in the mathematical form of the requirements.
Step 5. Define criteria
“Decision criteria, which will discriminate among alternatives, must be based on the
goals. It is necessary to define discriminating criteria as objective measures of the goals to
measure how well each alternative achieves the goals”. Since the goals will be represented in
the form of criteria, every goal must generate at least one criterion but complex goals may be
represented only by several criteria. It can be helpful to group together criteria into a series of
sets that relate to separate and distinguishable components of the overall objective for the
decision. This is particularly helpful if the emerging decision structure contains a relatively
large number of criteria. Grouping criteria can help the process of checking whether the set of
criteria selected is appropriate to the problem, can ease the process of calculating criteria
weights in some methods, and can facilitate the emergence of higher level views of the issues.
It is a usual way to arrange the groups of criteria, sub criteria, and sub-sub criteria in a tree-
structure (UK DTLR (2001)).
According to Baker et al. (2001), criteria should be
• able to discriminate among the alternatives and to support the comparison of the
performance of the alternatives,
• complete to include all goals,
• operational and meaningful,
•non-redundant,
• few in number.
Step 6. Select a decision making tool
There are several tools for solving a decision problem. The selection of an appropriate
tool is not an easy task and depends on the concrete decision problem, as well as on the
objectives of the decision makers. Sometimes the ‘simpler the method, the better” but complex
decision problems may require complex methods, as well.
Step 7. Evaluate alternatives against criteria
Every correct method for decision making needs, as input data, the evaluation of the
alternatives against the criteria. Depending on the criterion, the assessment may be objective
(factual), with respect to some commonly shared and understood scale of measurement (e.g.
money) or can be subjective (judgmental), reflecting the subjective assessment of the evaluator.
After the evaluations the selected decision making tool can be applied to rank the alternatives
or to choose a subset of the most promising alternatives.
Step 8. Validate solutions against problem statement
The alternatives selected by the applied decision making tools have always to be
validated against the requirements and goals of the decision problem. It may happen that the
decision making tool was misapplied. In complex problems the selected alternatives may also
call the attention of the decision makers and stakeholders that further goals or requirements
should be added to the decision model.
Problem solving
Problem solving is part and parcel of our daily life. Every day we solve a number
ofproblems ranging from simple to complex. Some problems take little time where as some
take much time to solve. We look for alternative solutions if do not get the right kind of
resources to solve the problem in hand. In the case of solving any type of problem our thinking
becomes directed and focused and we try to use all the resources, both internal (mind) and
external (support and help of others) to arrive at the right and appropriatedecision. For example
if you want to score good marks in an exam, you study hard, take the help of teachers, friends,
and parents and finally you score good marks. Thus problem solving is directed thinking
focused towards dealing with a specific problem. This thinking has three elements: the
problem, the goal, and the steps to reach the goal. There are two methods which are used
prominently in problem solving. These are- “Means-end-analysis” and “Algorithms”. In the
case of Means-end-analysis a specific step-by-step procedure is
followed for solving certain types of problems. In the case of ‘heuristics’ the individual is free
to go for any kind of possible rules or ideas to reach the solution. Itis also called rule of thumb.
Problem Solving and Mental Set: Sometimes we use a particular strategy/technique to solve
a problem but we may or may not succeed in our effort to solve the problem. This creates a set
to approach future problems that are encountered by a person. The set continues even if the
problem is different. Despite this, we use the same strategy/technique when ever we come
across the same problem and again fail to reach the solution. Such phenomenon in problem
solving is called mental set. A mental set is a tendency on the part of an individual to respond
to a new problem in the same manner that he or she has used earlier to solve a problem. Previous
success with a particular rule produces a kind of mental rigidity/fixedness/set, which hinders
the process of generating new ideas to solve a new problem. A mental set inhibits or affects the
quality of our mental activities. However, in solving our real life problems we often rely on
past learning and experience with similar or related problems.
Six-Step Problem-Solving Process
There are many problem-solving methods, and the six-step method is just one of them.
The problem for most people is that they do not use one process to solve problems and issues
or to make decisions. Another problem is that people are not consistent in how they solve
problems. They do not find something that works and then do it the same way over and over
to be successful. The Six-Step Problem-Solving Process is described below.
1. Identify and Select the Problem
The objective of this step is to identify the problem. That sounds simple enough, but problems
usually are tied to very emotional issues. Egos are usually connected to the problem or the
possible solution. Because the emotions are a part of the process, people can miss reading the
problem. So, the first step for everyone involved is to step back from the issue and use the
STAR method. The individual or group involved should take a look at “what is really causing
the difficulty.” This should be thoroughly thought through and agreed upon so everyone is on
the same page.
Consensus:This is a good time to bring up an agreement process that helps to bring everyone
to the same page of agreement, but that isn’t easy.
Consensus simply means everyone is in agreement or they can live with the agreement.
If they cannot live with the agreement, the group or team has not reached consensus. Then,
more discussion, understanding each other’s point of view, and keeping an open mind are
required. This process requires cooperation, good intentions, and a willingness to be flexible
about personal feelings and issues.
So consensus has these three elements:
1. I agree.
2. I don’t fully agree, but I can live with and support the agreement.
3. I don’t agree, and I cannot live with or support the agreement.
This process will become increasingly important as the group or teammoves closer and
closer to selecting a solution to a problem. Using theprocess from the beginning brings the
whole group along at every step.
 This entire process is actually a very systematic approach to separating out things that
are irrelevant and focusing in on those relevant issues that can solve the problem. This process
is also something that you learn and become better at doing. Like learning a math formula,
there is practice, review, and more practice. Once the individual, group, or team has identified
the problem, they should write it down in a clear and concise statement. They should also be
able to write a goal statement that focuses on what is the successful end of the process. Making
a goal statement also helps to see the gap between the problem and the goal. This whole process
is about closing or fixing the gap between the problem and the goal.
Sometimes problems are so big you have to break them down into smaller, workable
problems and attack each small problem first. By doing this, a problem is not so overwhelming
that you don’t know where to start. So if the problem is too “big,” refine it.
Step 2. Analyze the Problem
Now that the problem is defined, analyze it to see what the real bottom-line root cause
is. Often people get caught up in symptoms or effects of a problem or issue and never get down
to the real cause. They get mad at someone’s attitude, anger, or actions, which are not the cause
of the problem. The key here is to focus everyone’s efforts on analyzing the problemfor the
real cause. Once the cause is found, plans can be made to fix it.
Analyzing means to gather information. If there is not enough information, figure out
how to research and collect it. Once the information is gathered, take a very close look at what
is going on. Try to come to consensus on why the particular problem or issue occurs.
Step 3. Generate Potential Solutions
Now that the problem has been analyzed, the group can begin to develop possible
solutions. This is a creative as well as practical step where every possible solution or variation
is identified. In this step use the brainstorming process that has been used in class before to
generate as many solutions as possible. There are no wrong answers here, and judgments
should not be passed on another person’s suggestions. Toward the end of this brainstorming
session, allow time foreach person to clarify his or her suggestion so there is a common
understanding for a later selection.
Step 4. Select and Plan the Solution
Now that there are a wide variety of possible solutions, it is time to select the best
solution to fix the problem given the circumstances, resources, and other considerations. Here
the group is trying to figure out exactly what would work best given who they are, what they
have to work with, and any other considerations that will effect the solution. There are always
a number of things that can effect a solution: money, time, people, procedures, policies, rules,
and so on. All of these factors must be thought about and talked through.
The group should prioritize the solutions into what would work the best. This is a slow
process of elimination. There may be some possible suggestions that are immediately
eliminated. Eventually, the group boils downthe choices to one or two best solutions. The group
should then discuss those solutions and come to consensus on the best solution.
Step 5. Implement the Solution
This is the DOstage. Make sure the solution can be tracked to have information to use
in the STUDYstage. This may seem to be an easy stage, but it really requires a scientific
approach to observing specifically what is going on with the solution.
Step 6. Evaluate the Solution
This final step is the STUDY stage. Did the solution work? If not-why not? What
went right, and what went wrong? What adjustments does the group have to make to make the
solution work better?This is a careful analysis stage that improves upon the best solution using
the information gathered during the DOstage. After this analysis the group is ready to ACTupon
their findings and the problem should be solved or better under control.
Solving Problems and Making Decisions
• Anticipate or identify problems.
• Use information from diverse sources to arrive at a clearer understanding of the
problem and its root causes.
• Generate alternative solutions.
• Evaluate strengths and weaknesses of alternatives, including potential
risks and benefits and short- and long-term consequences.
• Select an alternative that is most appropriate to goal, context,
and available resources.
• Establish criteria for evaluating effectiveness of solution or decision.
Conflict Management
Conflict is the gadfly of thought. It stirs usto observation and memory It instigates
invention. It shocks us out of sheeplike passivity and sets us at noting and contriving. Conflict
is a “sine qua non” of reflection and ingenuity ‘John Dewey’.
Conflict manifests itself as a difference between two or more persons or groups
characterized by tension, disagreement, emotion or polarization, where bonding is broken or
lacking. The most important conflicts – the ones that,when managed well, lead to positive
results in teams – are the ones in which people feel personally invested in their positions or are
bringing something of themselves as human beings into the interaction.
Companies are increasingly diverse with a large number of interdependencies – and
thus the potential for many disagreements. As a manager, you are one voice among many. Your
responsibility is likely to exceed your authority. You will inevitably be faced with conflict:
Dealing openly with it will usually improve your chances of achieving your goals. People
create conflict as a direct result of the human bonding cycle, in which bonds are broken,
resulting in loss, disappointment, frustration, pain and even grief – real or anticipated. However,
if you can understand how people deal with loss, you will have a better insight into the conflict
and how to resolve it. It is very important to recognize how loss, disappointment, and even
change can create feelings of separation and pain, which can break the bond in working
relationships.
Companies can cause people to suffer pain and other negative emotions every day – a
missed promotion, a poor performance review, the ending of a successful project. When we
suffer loss, we experience deep needs that may not be met, which results in more conflict. It
is important to remember that conflicts starts when bonding ends.
How to Manage Conflict for High Performance
Before we can manage conflict, we must manage ourselves. In the f ace of conflict, our
natural reaction is either fight, flight or freeze. We can overcome this fear by mastering our
emotions and our focus. Human beings exist in one of many ‘states’. A state is a combination
of feelings, thoughts, physiology, and behaviour, and it largely determines how we act. We can
change a ‘state’ from negative to positive, from fear to courage, and do what is counterintuitive:
go towards the person with whom we are in conflict.
 A key tactic for doing this is to manage our focus in the mind’s eye, one of the brain’s
most powerful mechanisms. It forms the way we view a particular situation and determines
how we will act or react.
Most of us have heard about how successful athletes improve performance by
visualizing winning and never losing sight of their goal. Another example is the way some
executives improve their public speaking skills by imagining themselves captivating their
audience. All high performers use their mind’s eye to focus on the benefits beyond the fear, the
danger or potential pain. The mind’s eye is a fundamental tool to create a positive or negative
result in managing conflict. Our mind’s eye is shaped by experiences and choice, which
determine the way we view the world and, ultimately, determine success or failure in dealing
with conflict. Many leaders in conflict situations are ‘hostages’ to their inner fears and other
negative emotions and fail to see the opportunities in resolving them.
Researchessuggests that we can change the way we perceive a situation by creating an
inner dialogue – telling ourselves to see something as an opportunity, not as an obstacle. It is
a case of changing the half-empty glass to one that is half full – seeing the ‘adversary’ as a
potential ally and moving towards the threatening person to build a bond by focusing on
common goals.
Six essential skills for managing conflict effectively
1. Create and maintain a bond, even with your ‘adversary’
The key to defusing conflict is to form a bond, or to re-bond, with the other party. We
do not have to like someone to form a bond with him or her. We only need a common goal.
Treat the person as a friend, not an enemy, and base the relationship on mutual respect, positive
regard and co-operation. Leaders must learn to separate the person from the problem, genuinely
want to help the other party and avoid negative responses to attacks or intense emotions.
2. Establish a dialogue and negotiate
At all times it’s important to keep the conversation relevant, stay focused on a positive
outcome and remain aware of the common goal. It is imperative to avoid being hostile or
aggressive. The next stage is negotiation, in which we add bargaining to the dialogue. Talking,
dialogue and negotiation create genuine, engaging and productive two- way transactions. We
need to use energy from the body, emotions, intellect and the spirit.
3. “Put the fish on the table”
This expression means, simply, raising a difficult issue without being aggressive or
hostile. The analogy comes from Sicily where the fishermen, who are strongly bonded, put
their bloody catch on a large table to clean it together. They work through the messy job and
are rewarded by a great fish dinner at the end of the day.
If you leave a fish under the table it starts to rot and smell. On the other hand, once an
issue is raised, we can work through the mess of sorting it out and find a mutually beneficial
outcome. The important thing to remember is that we should not slap the other party in the face
with the fish! We should be direct, engaging and respectful, always helping the other person to
‘save face. ‘In addition, timing is important. It would not be beneficial to raise a difficult topic
just as a senior colleague is leaving to the airport. We can decide not to put the fish on the table
as a tactic, but not because we wish to avoid the conflict. Choosing the right time and the right
circumstances are part of an effective conflict management strategy.
4. Understand what causes conflict
To be able to create a dialogue aimed at resolving the conflict, we need to understand the root
of the disagreement. Among the common causes of disagreement are differences over goals,
interests or values. There could be different perceptions of the problem, such as ‘It’s a quality
control problem’ or ‘it’s a production problem’, and there may also be different communication
styles. Power, status, rivalry, insecurity, resistance to change and confusion about roles can
also create conflicts. Egotistical people, for example, leaders who manipulate others to build
their own identities and self-importance often generate conflicts. It is crucial to determine
whether a conflict relates to interests or needs. Interests are more transitory and superficial,
such as land, money, or a job; needs are more basic and not for bargaining, such as identity,
security and respect. Many conflicts appear to be about interests, when they are really about
needs. The most conflict provoking losses have to do with needs, and those needs may connect
to the deeper wounds people have suffered in their life. Someone passed over for promotion,
for example, may seem to be upset about the loss of extra money, when the real pain is caused
by a loss of respect or loss of identity.
5. Use the law of reciprocity
The law of reciprocity is the foundation of cooperation and collaboration. What you give out
is likely to be what you get back. Humans have a deeply hardwired pattern of reciprocity.
Researchers have recently discovered mirror neurons in the brain, suggesting that our limbic
system (emotional brain) that establishes empathy, re-creates the experience of others’
intentions and feelings within ourselves. Mutual exchange and internal adaptation allows two
individuals to become attuned and empathetic to each other’s inner states. Hence a powerful
technique to master in any kind of dispute is to empathize with the feelings and views of the
other individual by managing what we express – both verbally and non-verbally. This social
awareness allows you to make the right concessions at the right time. Once you have made a
concession, it is likely that the other party will respond in kind. Moreover, when you recognize
a concession has been made, reciprocate with one of your own.
6. Build a positive relationship
Once a bond has been established, we must nurture the relationship as well as pursue
our goals. We need to balance reason and emotion, because emotions such as fear, anger,
frustration and even love may disrupt otherwise thoughtful actions. We need to understand
each other’s point of view, regardless of whether we agree with it or not. The more effectively
we communicate our differences and our areas of agreement, the better we will understand
each other’s concerns and improve our chances of reaching a mutually acceptable agreement.
The deepest bondsare founded on what the eminent psychologist
Carl Rogers called ‘unconditional positive regard’. We can all learn to communicate
acceptance of the other person while saying no or disagreeing with a specific point or
behaviour. Feeling accepted, worthy and valued are basic psychological needs. And, as hostage
negotiation demonstrates, it is more productive to persuade than to coerce.