=>

couch
 MUM Don't make any horrible noise, Jedda. Now travelled. He's been to lots of interesting places.
listen, you are my children and I am asking you,
I'm begging you, as your mother, on my knees, JEDDA Dad used to go to lots of interesting places too.
please, please, please, help me make a good
impression. HARLEY Yeah, he's wanted in Queensland for selling
shares in a non-existent tin mine.
VALJOY I'm going al five-thirty.
MUM We don't mention Dad in this house!
MUM Over my dead body, Valjoy.
JEDDA Why not?
VALJOY But Blonk and Spike are going around to
Macca' s to see his new Suzuki. MUM We just don't, Jedda. Especially not tonight.

MUM You can go out with that no-hoper bikie gang VALJOY Especially not in front of the new boyfriend.
any old time. Tonight I have a special friend
coming round and I want you all here to meet MUM I told you, Valjoy, he's not ...
him.
HARLEY Is your new boyfriend a truckie?
HARLEY Who is ii? Prince William?
MUM How do you know that, Harley?
JEDDA ls it a new boyfriend, Mum?
(A heavy truck Is heard pulling up.)
MUM Not a 'boyfriend', Jedda. Just a friend. I've only
known him a week HARLEY Because a semi's just squashed our rubbish bin.

VALJOY She picked him up at Parents Without Partners. (MUM rushes to the window,)

MUM What's wrong with that? MUM It's him! (MuM runs around the house tidying up.)
Now remember what I said! Valjoy, take that!­
VALJOY You've got a nerve, Mum, going to Parents shirt off. (v,uov starts to peel It of,f ) Not here! Go
Without Partners. You've already had two hus­ and change in your room! (vAµovexits.) I'm warn­
bands and I don't know how many boyfriends. ing you - all of you.

MUM Lennie's different. (MUM adjusts her wig, glances at herself in ,the mirror
and pretends to be busy with something else when
VALJOY That's what you always say. the doorbell rings,)

MUM He's kind and he's fun and he's very widely LENNIE (Off) Yoodle-oo-doo? Anyone home?

4 5
 (MUM opens the door."""" enters, clasping a huge Rosehil! las! Saturday, including the Trifecla.
bunch of flowers.)
JEDDA Want to hear me call a race?
MUM Lennie! '
HARLEY
NO!
and VALJOY
LENNIE Howdedoodyl (LENNIE holds out the flowers) Da daa!
For the best woman in Barringa East! MUM Go on, let her do it.

(MUM screams with laughter.) (JEooA chants ... )

MUM Ooohl Isn't he a card? (MUM takes the flowers.) JEDDA And Take Your Pick leads them into the home
Oh Lennie, you shouldn't have! Aren't they turn, with Anti-Plaque looking for a split in the
beautiful! middle, Beldale Beauty boxed in on the rails so
ils still Home and Hosed a neck in front, the
(MUM sniffs them. vAuov returns.) rider goes for the whip on Masochistic two
hundred out and it's Masochistic pulling away
VALJOY They're plastic, Mum. from Home and Hosed by half a length, Anti­
Plaque is third and the favourite Any Money
MUM Oh ... I just adore plastic flowers. So conve­ trailing the field.
nient! I do hate watering! (MUM puts them in a
vase.) Now, introductions ... MUM Isn't she cnle?

LENNill No, no. See if I remember. (LENNIS looks around at LENNIE Fantastic!
the waiting kids.) Harley. Seventeen years old.
Left school two years ago but hasn't gol a job yet. (But Jmo, draws a big breath and .starts off again.)
What do you tell them down at CentreLink, mate?
Do you say you're an out of work admiral or taxidermist JEDDA And with a hundred left to run it's Any Money
or something? (LENNIS and MUM laugh uproariously. rn, Klos ore coming from the back with a blistering run
unimpressed.) Never mind, mate, just joking. How're gathering in Beldale Beauty with Anti-Plaque
you going, anyway? Great to meet yal (LENNIE slaps a
passive 11,ot,v on the back and wrings his hand. before turning
on v,uov.) Valjoy. Fifteen, The only girl doing MUM That's enough, dear.
metal­welding at Barringa Tech. Bet you're one of those

.
feminists too, eh? (A forced smlle from vAuov. LENNIE discovers JEDDA Bui I haven't finished yet.
JEODA.) You're Jedda, you're seven and you're horse-mad.

Your Mum tells me you picked five winners at LENNIE And last but not least - um ... (LENNIE turns to rn,c,
but has forgetten her name.) Don't tell me, don't
tell me ... the other girl, in the middle, ten

6 7
 years old … um … I give up. What’s your VALJOY We’ll grab a pizza at Dominico’s.
name, beautiful?
MUM MUM You’ll do no such thing! I told Lennie…
You remember, Lennie - Erica

LENNIE VALJOY Look, I said I’d stay to meet Lennie. I’ve

Erica, of course. The sesntitive, artistic one.
Going to be a great actress. Who knows, maybe stayed, I’ve met him and now I’m going.
one day you’ll make it into Neighbours. How (VALJOY storms out.)
would that be, eh? (ERICA looks sour.) So that’s
MUM When will you be back?
it. How are we all?
(No response from THE KIDS) VALJOY (Off) Never!
MUM They just need a bit of time to get to know you,
Lennie. (Pause, MUM comes back to ERICA.)
JEDDA You want to see my room, Lennie?
MUM You like Lennie, don’t you Erk?
LENNIE Sure.
DEVIL (To ERICA.) Don’t respond.
(JEDDA and LENNIE exit together.)
(ERICA shrugs)
MUM Well, they seem to have taken a shine to each
MUM (Continued) He’s such a scream isn’t he?
other straight away. (No answer from THE
OTHER KIDS.) Getting on like a house on fire.
(HARELY gets up to leave.) Where are you off DEVIL (To ERICA.) He makes me want to scream!
to, Harley?
HARLEY I’m going to have a sleep. ANGEL (To DEVIL) Give him a break, he’s just a
harmless goofball.
MUM Oh, yes off you go then. Tired out after MUM (Continued) Well, let’s see what we can rustle
spending all afternoon in front of the TV. up for dinner.
ANGEL/ Yum/Ugh!
(VALJOY rises too.) DEVIL

VALJOY I’m going round to Blonk’s place. ERICA (Listening to her DEVIL) There’s only junk food
in the fridge.
MUM Not till after dinner. MUM Lennie likes junk food.

8 9
DEVIL He would. ERICA Name just one.

ERICA He would. MUM Barringa East Primary School for a start.

ANGEL Easy… (They continue talking while behind them the

scene is changed to the school set.)

(DEVIL is fuming, ERICA responds to this.)

ERICA And stop calling me Erk! I get it all day at
school – Erk, or Yuk, or Gherkin. What a name
– Erica Yurken! Sounds like someone being
sick in a bucket. (ERICA retches it out.) Erica
Yurk-ken! Why did you give me a name like
that anyway? It’s so stupid.
MUM Oh, pardon me for breathing, madam. Aren’t we
good enough for you? Perhaps you’d be happier
if we lived in a mansion in Hedge End Road.
ERICA Not much chance of that, is there?

MUM What’s that supposed to mean?

(The DEVIL smiles at ERICA)

ERICA At least there’s a bit of elegance about Hedge
End Road. Maybe if you’d stayed married a bit
longer we’d have had enough money to move.
MUM Erk, if my nails weren’t wet from this protein-
reinforced base coat that cost $15.95 I’d take
your phone away!
ERICA It would be better than living in Barringa East.

MUM Don’t knock Barringa East, Erk. There’s lots of

advantages about living here.

10 10.5
 Scenetab 17
-
, SCENE TWO •
TlfE SCHOOL CLASSROOM

ERICA Barringa East Primary School!

(School kids start to enter and mill around,)

MUM Think of all the nice things the government

bought for that little school - a photography
dark-room, the table-tennis tables, the free
annual camp for grade six , ,

(BARRY HOLUS is trussing MARGEART COLLINS to a choir. OSCAR

supports BARRY,)

ERICA That's just because we're classified as Disadvan­

taged,

MUM You don't give it a chance, Erk, There must be

some nice kids there you could make friends
with,

(ERICA watches the seething mass of humanity with

I
distaste,)

ERICA There's not, Mum, They're all really dirty and

loud and rough and they make all these lame
jokes and play really stupid games, and they
wear these really basic clothes , . ,

MUM They can't all be like that.

ERICA They are, Mum, I'm a tall flower in a field

11
 Of couch grass. There’s no-one I could make rig and poured cordial on Miss Belmont. She
friends with.*No-one. Beat Erica sits down
.
on floor in classroom
had no idea!
MUM HAYDEN Yeah, well if you put a ladder in the room, you
Well, if you’re going to be so choosy…
know I’m going to climb it...
(MUM exits. BARRY and MARGEART are arguing OSCAR It was pretty funny.
violently.)
BARRY DIANE Yeah, until we all had to sit in detention every
Yeah?
lunchtime the next week.
MARGEART MARGEART That was the only time I’ve ever been in
Yeah.
detention.
BARRY SKYLAR Yeah, that was so unfair.
Yeah?

MARGEART QUINN Totally. We missed our dance auditions because

Yeah.
of you.
BARRY HAYDEN Because of me? It was Barry’s idea!
What’d you call me, Margeart?
SKYLAR Do you do everything Barry tells you to?
(BARRY pushes MARGEART.)
MARGEART QUINN He totally does.
Take your hands off me, Barry Hollis. My
father’s a policeman if you don’t know.
BARRY REECE Well, Quinn, do you do everything Skylar tells
Well, my brother’s in the Eastside Boys, so you
better apologise if you don’t want your you to?
QUINN What are you trying to say, Reece?
windows broken.
SKYLAR Give it a rest, Barry. You’re all talk anyway.
REECE You know what I’m trying to say.
BARRY Oh, yeah?
(“Brick in the Wall” Elite Contemporary Dance)
SKYLAR Yeah, Barry, you are. You never follow through
MISS When you’ve quite finished…!
on anything. BELMONT
QUINN Yeah, remember that time you threatened to
(The shoving and shouting stops abruptly.
break my windows because I wouldn’t go to the
ERICA tries to sneak off.)
dance with you.
REECE MISS Erica Yurken, where do you think you’re going?
I remember. That dance was so lame! The best BELMONT
part was when Hayden climbed up the lighting
12 12.25
 ERICA I’m going to the sick bay to get a Panadol, Miss (ALISON walks down stage centre through the
Belmont. I’ve got a nervous headache. aisle as if in slow motion, she doesn’t hear the
MISS Nonsense, Erica. students talking about her.)
BELMONT CLASS (Murmering in wonder, leaning in towards
ERICA ALISON)
I got it during art, Miss Belmont. I’m
MARGEART Wow…
hypersensitive to Clag glue.
MISS Go to your desk, Erica. Forty minutes of
BELMONT QUINN Is she wearing…
geography will have you right as rain in no time
flat.
BARRY SKYLAR She’s so/…(beautiful.)
Yuk, yuk, yuk!

MISS QUINN Don’t say it! Don’t say it…

Barry Hollis?
BELMONT
BARRY OSCAR Is she an angel?
Yes, Miss Belmont?

MISS BARRY I’m definitely asking her to the Grade 6 dance!

Go to your place by the time I count to one!
BELMONT
BARRY HAYDEN I wonder if she likes rock climbing. I could take
Yes, Miss Belmont.
her rock climbing.
REECE Not if I take her first…
(ALL STUDENTS stand behind their desks.)

MISS HAYDEN Good luck rock climbing in an outfit like that.

Good morning grade six.
BELMONT
CLASS SKYLAR I think that’s actually last season.
Good morning, Miss Belmont.

MISS QUINN Totally.

Thank you, you may sit. (MISS BELMONT turns
BELMONT
her back. BARRY stands to throw a paper ball.)
DIANE But why is she here?
I said sit, Barry Hollis! (BARRY hurriedly sits.)
We have a new girl in our class today. Her name
REECE Who starts at a new school in the middle of
is Alison Ashley. (MISS BELMONT beckons.)
Grade 6?
(ALISON ASHLEY enters – the most beautiful, (The STUDENTS are all turned and leaning away
elegant creature you have ever set eyes on.) from her now)
MISS I’d like you all to say good morning to her too.
12.5 BELMONT
13
 CLASS Good morning Alison Ashley.

MISS Sit next to Erica Yurken, Alison. There’s a spare

BELMONT
seat there.
13.5
LOUDER ,
LAUGH , BROS LAUGH .

O Because no-one else wants to sit next to Yuk.

-
HAYDEN (ERICA whispers to ALISON,)
MISS
That will do, Hayden Peralta. ERICA I always pay attention. I think you only hurt
BELMONT ' yourself if you don'!. Most of the kids in this
(MISS BELMONT gets her books ready, ERICA watches class chatter all !he time ..
ALISON unpack her books.) MISS
. Erica!
BELMONT
ERICA (Whispers) I just adore your earrings. (ALISON smiles
politely, but won't talk back in case MISSB!LMONT hears.) ERICA But Miss Belmont's a fantastic teacher, , .
I'd like to have my ears pierced, only I'm MJSS
allergic to methylated spirits. My sister Valjoy BELMONT
We're waiting, Erica, ..
said she· d pierce my ears with a compass point,
but I don't want to end up with blood poisoning. ERICA She can make anybody shut up just by looking a!
them. She's got this sort of withering gaze that
MISS Now, a quick test to see who was listening goes right through you ...
BELMONT yesterday.
.(smcArealises that MISS 8'LMONT'S withering gaze Is
(Miss B<LMONT sees that ,a1cA Is talking.) focussed on her and falters to a stop.)
MISS
ERICA I have a very nice pair of earrings at home, That's heller.
BELMONT
soaking in a bowl of antiseptic. (AusoN tries to tell
her that MISS 8'LMONT approaching and Is standing right (But when MISS BELMONT turns away, !:RICA whispers ' ' ,)
behind ER1c,.) They're little squirrels holding
baskets of nuts. ERICA See what I mean?

(ERICA notices MISS BELMONT and sits straight again.) (MISS 0,LMONT turns back quickly,)

Miss The rivers of New South Wales. Anybody? Miss We were discussing the rivers of New South
BELMONT Hands up. (ERICA'S hand goes up, enthusiastically.) BELMONT Wales. Who remembers' any others? (m, cLAss
Yes, Erica? think. No-one has any idea. Then ALISON'S hand goes
up.) Yes, Alison?
ERICA The Darling, the Murrumbidgee, the Lachlan
... u.m ... ALISON The Barwon, the Namoi, the Macquarie, lhe
Castlereagh, the Paroo and the Wam,go ...
MISS Very good, Erica. H's nice lo know that someone MISS
BELMONT was paying attention yesterday. The Darling, Excellent.
BELMONT
the Murrumbidgee and the Lachlan ..
ALISON And the Murray is on the border of New South

14 15
chair
0

-Everyone laugh
MAIIGEAI\T Oh yes, salad. (ERICA calls ' . ,)
MISS
Salad, Margaret? ERICA Electricity.
BELMONT

MARGEART We had salad with coal in it last night. MJSS Correct Erica. (ERICA looks smugly at ALISON.) Bui
MISS
BELMONT next time don't call out please. (ALISON'S hand goes
Coal salad? · up.) Yes, Alison?
BELMONT

MARGEART Mum makes it with cabbage and mayonnaise. ALISON Even though brown coal is a low grade of coal it
It's called coal slaw salad really. is readily available and can be mined by the
open-cut method.
(Reaction from'"' CLASS.)
MISS Excellent. Now, the major deposits of brown
SKYLAR She is so dumb! BELMONT coal are in ...

MISS That will do! Al leas! Margaret look the trouble (ERICA'S hand goes up.)
BEL.MONT to think about her homework, which is more
than I can say for some others who shall remain ERICA Victoria, Miss Belmont.
nameless. Diane Harper, Barry Hollis ... (DIANE
MISS
and BARRY look embarrassed.) Now,there are two In Victoria ... (ALISON'S hand goes up.) Yes, Alison?
BELMONT
main classes of coal, these being ...
ALISON In the Latrobe Valley, chiefly around Yallourn
(ERICA'S hand goes up.) and Morwell.
MISS
ERICA Black coal? Yes, and ...
BELMONT
MISS
Black coal and ... ALISON There are also other coal measures at Bacchus
BELMONT
Marsh and Altona.
(ALISON'S hand goes up,)
MISS
Yes, Alison ...
BELMONT
ALISON Brown coal ...
MISS
ALISON And there was also black coal mined al
Very good, Alison. Wonthaggi, but the mine closed in 1968.
BELMONT
MISS
ALISON ... otherwise known as lignite. Did it now?
BELMONT

MISS Excellent. Now brown coal is used mainly ALISON We did coal al my old school.
BELMONT for ...

18 19
 MISS So I see. Now, the major deposits of coal in New
BELMONT South Wales are in ... (ALISON'S hand goes up. ,e1cA
puts her hand up too, desperately waving it as if in • SCENE THREE •
agony.)Come on, the rest of you, let's not always
THE PLAYGROUND
see the same hands.

(The bell rings. BARRY HOLLIS' hand shoots up, as does

DIANE'S,)
(ERICA and ALISON walk around in the playground.)
MISS
That's better. Barry?
BELMONT
BARRY The bell's gone, Miss. ERICA There's the toilet block.

(MISS BELMONT sighs.) ALISON Oh yes, Miss Belmont showed me that.

MISS All right, grade six, you may go out. (iHE CLASS runs ERICA And that's our library over there. It's architect­
BELMONT for the door.) Don't push! (They slow down.) Per­ designed.
haps, Erica, you could show Alison around the
school? ALISON Oh. At my old school the library was about three
times that size.
(MISS BELMONT exits. ERICA looks at ALISON with suspicion.)
(BARRY HOLUS and REECE enter, fighting over a
ERICA Do you want to see our school? skate­board. MISS LATTIMORE enters.)

ALISON Thank you, Erica, I'd like that. Miss Barry Hollis! (BARRY crosses to her.) Have you been
LATTIMORE writing rude messages in the library books?
(ERICA and ALISON walk into the playground.)

↓
BARRY That's for me to know andI you to find out.
off (MISS LAillMORe shows him a book.)
classroom MISS 'Fat and Skinny had a race
off stage
,

LATTIMOIRE Skinny's pants were a disgrace ... • (MISSLAmMOR< is

stools tuben about to read more, but it is too rude, so she shows
BARRY. OTHER KIDS crowd round too. giggling.) Go away,
it's not al all funny! (They move back. ;A,ov sidles
off.) Nol you, Barry Hollis. You wail for me
outside the staffroom.

21
 (BARRY exits,)

ERICA And that's the sandpit for the little kids. Only
you shouldn't go near the Tonkins. They always
have nits. Did you know lice can jump?

ALISON Really?

ERICA They can jump from one kid's head to another

kid's head.

(MISS LAIYIMORE spots them.)

MISS Hello, you're the new girl, Alison Ashley, aren't

LATTIMORE you?

ERICA That's right, Miss Lattimore. I'm showing her

around the school.
MISS
I hear you have a reading age of 14,6, Alison.
LATTIMORE

ALISON Oh, I don't know about that. I just like reading.

MISS
You must be a very clever girl.
LATTIMORE

ALISON My aunt is a librarian.

MISS
Really, Alison? How interesting!
LATTIMORE

(M!SS LATTIMORE exits, ERICA, who has been feeling left

out, Is jealous.)

ERICA 14.61 Fancy boasting like that about having a

reading age of 14.61

ALISON I wasn't boasting.

ERICA 'I just like reading. My aunt is a librarian!'

22 23
 ALISON But she’s a librarian. At my old school… ERICA And that’s Quinn and Skylar, they’re the most
popular girls in the school, so it’s best not to
ERICA Those are the bubblers over there if you want a even look them in the eye. They don’t like to be
drink. disturbed, except by me, we’re great friends
ALISON Oh, I don’t usually drink from those. You can actually.
catch germs from kids putting their mouths
ALISON Oh, I see…
right down the spout.
ERICA And there’s the tuckshop. They have beaut iced
ERICA I can show you the sick bay.
doughnuts.
ALISON I’m not allowed to eat junk food. I always bring
ALISON Oh, no thanks.
lunch from home.
(BARRY enters with MISS LATTIMORE in pursuit.) ERICA Why not?
MISS Barry… Barry Hollis!
LATTIMORE ALISON Oh, just… I don’t like looking at grazed knees
(BARRY runs off.) or anything like that.
ERICA I’ve got the longest report on any medical card
ERICA What did he do, Miss Lattimore in the school office.

MISS He poured tomato sauce in my box of paper

LATTIMORE
clips. I’ll kill him!
(MISS LATTIMORE runs after BARRY)

ERICA And over there are Reece and Hayden. They’re

cousins. Reece is pretty popular so I wouldn’t
bother trying to talk to him. And Hayden is
obsessed with climbing and parkour. He said
he’s going to climb Mount Everest one day, but
everyone knows only 1% of people actually
make it to the top, so he’s a waste of space.

ALISON I’m sure if he/ (tries his hardest…)

23 23.5
 3S
Scene
.

wondering how she has offended. rn1cA pulls out a

*
play script from her bag and begins to study it.)
ALISON Oh? n
-
- ee

ER1<:!A I'm Pirate Peg, the fiercest maid,

ERICA H says I'm prone to nervous headaches, rhinitis, That sails the Spanish Main.
sinusitis and bee-sUng allergy. I'll Ill! my hold with plundered gold
.'Ere I return to Spain.
ALISON Really? -

SCHOOL
(Behind her the scene changes back ta her house
ERICA And I have suspected hypersensitivity to wattle as she continues rehearsing.)
pollen, horsehair, dust mite, clover and Clag BELL SOUND
glue.

ALISON Oh!

ERICA And I've been tested for diabetes and arthritis

and gallstones and I don't have to put my head
·under water when we go swimming because of a
punctured eardrum. (ALISON looks green.) What's
the matter, Alison Ashley?

ALISON I don't like illness.

(ERICA looks at ALISON in horror.)

.Ii
ERICA You don't like illness?

ALISON At my old school ...

ERICA Yes, I'm sure your old school was much better
than Barringa East! Well, Miss Belmont asked
me to show you round and I have. So now I can
gei back to my FRIENDS!

LIGHTING CUE ALISON (ERICA leaves ALISON standing as she storms away
:

EXIB .
SPOTLIGHT from her. OTHER KtDs have left, or leave as soon as she
Devil approaches them. For a moment she considers
Angel +

rejoining ALISON, but then turns away. ALISON exits,

24
 SCENE 3.5 DEVIL That’s what you think.
ERICA’S CONSCIENCE
DEVIL ANGEL Maybe Erica should just talk to her, get to know
What was that?! Did you see how she kept
going on about “At my old school...” she totally her, I’m sure she has a reasonable explanation.
DEVIL No, Erica should give her the cold shoulder, it’s
thinks she’s better than you!
ANGEL I don’t know, she looked pretty nervous... the only way.
ANGEL We’ll see.
Maybe she was just trying to add something to
the conversation...?
DEVIL Oh, you’re so boring, always trying to justify
everything for the good!
ANGEL Yeah, it’s called being a good person, you
should try it sometime.
DEVIL And you should try not being such a bore.

ANGEL Good come back, I think you said that already.

DEVIL Whatever, this Alison girl is bad news, I can

tell. Erica should just tell her to go back to her
old school, if it’s so great.
ANGEL I don’t think it works like that.

DEVIL Sure it does, you just don’t try enough.

ANGEL Give me a break, I’ve been the one helping

Erica do all her homework! Who was up all
night last night helping her stay motivated
through “The Rivers of New South Wales”? I
try!
DEVIL Oh, cry me a river! If you weren’t so busy being
such a goodie two shoes you would have seen
that Alison was totally looking at Erica like
she’s out to get her.
ANGEL She’s not out to get her, not everyone is out to
get Erica!
Scene 3.5 Scene 3.5
 ERICA Nay, nay, ha, ha, old Captain Blood,
Such thing will never be.
, SCENE FOUR • Come hearties, make him walk the plank
' And splash into the sea , , ,
ERICA'S HOUSE
VALJOY Erk!

ERICA I have to practise somewhere, don't I?

(MUM sits at the kitchen table, with v,uov giving her a
manicure.) MUM What's wrong with your room?

ERICA Jedda the horse freak's in there, She's trying to

MUM The only reason you go to tech is for the boys. get her teddy to eat oats from a nosebag,
Admit it, Valjoy, You just love being the only girl
in a class of twenty randy male crane drivers. MUM Valjoy's room then.

VALJOY What about you and Lennie? VALJOY Nol Las! time she used all of my Impulse
body spray! And where are my gold
MUM Whal about me and Lennie? pendant earrings?

VALJOY Always pashing on in the kitchen when you ERICA I didn't touch them!
think we're not looking.
VALJOY I don'! know why you have to practise lines
(,a,cA enters and continues her rehearsal ... ) anyway. You're not even in the play,

ERICA So hoist the skull and crossbones, ERICA I will be. Every year on Drama Night at the year
And load the cannons grim, six camp they do Pirate Peg of the Jolly Roger.
For Captain Blood approaches I'm going to have all the lines learnt before
And we must prepare for him I then, so they'll have to have me as the star.

VALJOY Shut up, Erk! (LENNIE enters.)

MUM It's not what you think, Valjoy. Lennie's very LENNIE Howdeedoody everybody. How's my favourite
good company. And he does all his own repairs movie star today? (LENNIE picks up ERl<SA'S script.)
and maintenance on his truck and he's widely 'Pirate Peg of the Jolly Roger'. Looks like pretty
travelled, Las! year he went to Brisbane seven exciting stuff. Hope you won't be making us al!
times. walk the plank.

26
 MUM Lennie's taking us all to the drive-in tonight, MUM I won't have you saying things like that about
Erk. Lennie, Erica!

ERICA In his truck? ERICA Well he is boring! He's the most boring bloody
person I know.
MUM Of course,
MUM And don't use that sort of language in this
ERICA What if I see someone I know? house!

MUM What if you do? Honestly, Erk, you're getting ERICA Why not? Lennie does! He sits there swearing
that sour and critical lately. You can't drive his head off all the time and you just think it's
round everywhere in a golden Mercedes, you ordinary conversation, If you can call what
know, Lennie says conversation!

ERICA Alison Ashley does. MUM That's it! Go to your room! (rn1c• storms out of the
room,) I'm sorry, Lennie,
MtiM Who's Alison Ashley?
(MUM and LENNIE pack up the kitchen set and exit,)
ERICA Just a kid at school.
EIUCA (Dramatically) Life is full of injustice, (ERICA throws
MUM Can't be many kids from Barringa East with a herself down In tears,) I wish I were dead! (She likes
golden Mercedes. the sound of this. and rehearses It with different
dramatic emphases.) I wish I were dead I I wish I
ERICA She's not from Barringa East. She lives in Hedge were dead! I wish I were dead! I wish I , , , I wish
End Road. I were Alison Ashley, I wish I could look like
her, and talk like her, and have the same clothes
VALJOY Oooh, very flash. and pretty manners. And I wish she would let
me be her best friend, Even though I hate her,
LENNIE Those Mercedes are piss-weak anyway, A BMW Life is full of injustice,
handles much better. Or a Porsche.

MUM Are you a bit jealous of this Alison Ashley, Erk?

ERICA Of course not. But at least Alison Ashley

wouldn't have to go to the drive-in in Lennie's
truck. Alison Ashley wouldn't have to listen to ERICA solo dreamscape dance
boring Lennie's boring jokes all the time.

28
 SKYLAR The wind's too strong, Miss.

• SCENE FIVE • REECE Get out, Barry!

THE ART LESSON DIANE Who's got the masking tape?

QUINN Miss, make him stop that!

(Miss LATTIMORE enters, She carries a box of paint and MISS Settle down, the lot of you or we'll go straight
brushes, a large sheet of plostlc and a number of LATTIMORE back inside and finish that dictation about Tom
sheets of butcher's paper.) Roberts. (THE K1os settle. By now, everyone has their
paper up and Is starting to work with the pain!. oscAR
can't get started.) What's the matter, Oscar?
Miss Get up, Erica. There's no need to be so melodra-
LATTIMORE malic. (Miss LAmMoe, calls off stage.) Over here, HAYDEN I can't think of anything to do, Miss.
grade sixl (rnicA gets up. ALISON, oscAR, 01ANE and BARRY
enter.) Today in art and craft we're going to do MISS Well, just look around you. There are sorts of
'something a bit different. We're going to do LATTIMORE things to paint in the world. The artist's eyes are
some painting out here in the playground ... his first tool, you know. Shut up, Barry Hollis.
Barry Hollis, don't put that in your mouth. H's (osc,R looks blank.) Would you like me to do a
so unhygienic. (ERICA starts to tear up the paper.) squiggle to get you started?
Now I want each of you to take a large piece of
paper ... wait till I say ... take a large piece of HAYDEN Yes, Miss.
paper and stick it up somewhere. When we're (Miss LATTIMORE starts to paint an his paper.)
standing quietly in our places ... (Miss LATTIMORE
waits for silence, then continues in a soothing, settling
voice.) Right, come and get your paper ... now. SKYLAR Hey, look what Barry's doing.

(All hell breaks loose as THE •10s scrabble for paper. (11:1os crowd round to look\ MJSS LATTJMORE crosses to
ALISON and ERICA spread the plastic on the ground. THE them. The painting is obscured by a crush of
KIDS hang the butcher's paper around the set.) bodies. They part to allow Ml�LAHIMORE through. The
work Is still obscured from view. She tears up the
DIANE Who's got the masking tape? pointing.)

oscAR Get out! That's my spot! MISS Go away, it's not al all funny. If you can:t think of
LATTIMORE anything better to paint Barry Hollis, you can go
QUINN Can you help me hold mine? and wait over there till the lesson's over.

30 31
 HAYDEN (Under his breath) Always squashing my artistic
(BARRY exits.)
vision.
DIANE Miss? MISS Girls, that looks more like a fashion magazine
LATTIMORE
than a landscape.
MISS Yes, Diane? QUINN But you let Diane do it!
LATTIMORE

DIANE Do we have to do something outside? SKYLAR Yeah, Miss. This is discrimination!

MISS What do you mean? QUINN Yeah, discrimination!

LATTIMORE

DIANE Well, is it alright if I just do a dress design for MISS You’re right, all three of you will need to start
LATTIMORE
my painting? again. (MISS LATTIMORE goes to give them all new
MISS You know that’s not really the idea, Diane. paper…) How are you going, Alison?
LATTIMORE

DIANE (ALISON has made a rather cool collage, using a torn

But I’ve got this really food idea for one, Miss. sheet of newspaper glued to the paper as a skyline,
It sort of falls off the shoulder and it’s got highlighted with a blue line representing the sky.)
sequins down here and it’d be really easy to
draw, Miss. ALISON It’s not much at the moment. Just an Idea.
MISS Well, perhaps…
LATTIMORE
MISS It’s really wonderful, Alison. It’s really
DIANE I could do a netball court in the background. LATTIMORE
excellent work for someone your age. Come on,
Erica Yurken, get a wriggle on.
MISS All right, please yourself. (HAYDEN sneakily
LATTIMORE
approaches the tree.) Hayden, don’t even think
about climbing that tree. You know the rules.
HAYDEN But Miss, there’s a… really artistic… leaf up
there… that I need to get a better… view of.
MISS The answer’s no, Hayden
LATTIMORE

32

32.5
'i

(MISSLAIIIMO•E moves off. ERICA hasn't started yet,)

ALISON What are you doing, Yuk? You haven't even

, started.

ERICA That's because mine is going to be very differ-

- ent and original. Anyone can stick up a few bits
of torn newspaper.

(ERICA starts to attack her paper, first smearing and

dribbling paint. then splashing and throw,og a la
Jackson Pollock. MISS LATTIMORE stops her.)
MISS
Erica Yurken !
LATTIMORE
ERICA Yes, Miss Lattimore?
MISS
LATT!MORE I warned everyone about throwing paint.

ERICA But I have to, Miss. I'm doing a modern abstract.

MISS All right. But no splashing! (Calls off) Barry

LATTIMORE Hollis, gel off that rubbish bin and let that
person out immediately!

(MISS LATTIMORE exits. THE GIRLS continue working on their

paintings.)

ERICA Are you going to the higll school or the tech

next year, Alison?

ALISON Actually, I ...

ERICA At Barringa High School they flush your head

down the toilet as a welcoming ceremony.

ALISON Well, I ...

33
 ERICA My sister Valjoy's at the tech. She's the only is it, Erica, dear?
female in the metal-welding class.
ERICA H's um'''
ALISON Oh!
oscAa Leprosy.
ERICA Which will you be going to?
BARRY _ Skin disease.
ALISON I won't be going to either. My mother put my
name down for Kyle Girls' Grammar School. DIANE Acne and blackheads.

ERICA Kyle Girls' Grammar School! With the pale-blue Quinn A body that's been left in the sea.
uniforms and little bowler hats and gloves! They
don't teach you anything there except how to Skylar Skin peeling after sunburn.
cook for dinner parties and play tennis.
MISS
Be sensible, please.
LATTIMORE
ALISON It had the highest VCE results of any school in
the State last year. BARRY It's got a rude word in i!.

ERICA Barringa High' s got a new science block and for Reece Where?
sport they do scuba-diving, and they have sit-in
strikes and mass demonstrations and lots of BARRY Look. (He turns the pointing upside down. The word
other interesting things! 'bum' appears.) It says ...
MISS
ALISON Well at Kyle you can study ballet! That's enough, Barry! We all know what it says.
LATTIMORE
(ERICA fumes. MISS LATTIMORE returns.) ERICA I didn't mean ...

MISS All right, everybody, it's nearly clean-up time. (MISSLAITIMORE tears up the pointing. The bell rings.)
I
LATTIMORE Come over here. (BARRY HOLi.iS zooms In, wearing a
MISS
superman cope mode from a sheet of butcher's All right, clean up the mess and back to class.
LATTIMORE
paper with 'Eostslde Boys· scrawled on the bock.) I'd
just like you all to see what some of our better (They do so. ALISON tries to comfort Erica.)
students can achieve. (•10, crowd around.) Alison
wasn't satisfied with just using lhe paint and ALISON It's a pity about your painting, Yuk. I thought it
paper l gave her. She found newspaper to add a was very original. It's a shame it has to end up in
very original textural dimension lo her work. the bin...
And Erica's been doing something ... abstract.
(Everyone looks ohRICA'S work. 11 ls a total mess.) Whal (But ERlCA turns on ALISON.)

34 35
ERICA You think you're beUer than anyone else at
Barringa East, Alison Ashley. Well, you've gotto
be careful who you pick 011 at this school. • SCENE SIX •
ERICA'S HOUSE
ALISON Who said I was picking 011 anyone?

ERICA Let me tell you, Alison Ashley, I have some

powerful friends at this school who don't like
me being picked on. In school hours or out of (ALISON exits. MUM enters, with LENNIE pursuing her,
school hours. If you go on showing me up all the trying to get o cuddle. ERICA watches with disgust.)
time I'll have no alternative.

ALISON Than what? ERICA Mum?

ERICA Than to get my best friend Barry Hollis to bash MUM Yes, Erk?
you up.
ERICA Can I go to Kyle Girls' Grammar next year?
(ALISON sees that ••••v is standing behind her.)
MUM Kyle Girls' Grammar? With the pale-blue
ALISON Well then, why don't you ask him now, Yuk? dresses and the little bowler hats and gloves?

(But, of course. ERICA can't.) ERICA Yes.

ERICA You think you 're so great, Alison Ashley! MUM They don't teach you anything there except
how to cook for dinner parties and play tennis.
BARRY Good on yer, Yuk! Fight, fight, fight ...
EIIICA You can learn ballet dancing.
ALISON You mind your own business, Barry Hollis!
LENNIE Belly dancing? I reckon I'd make a good belly
(BARRY exits. The scene changes back to ERICA'S dancer!
house.)
(LENNIE mimes grotesquely. vAuov enters.)
ERICA Just because you've got rich parents who can
afford to send you to Kyle Girls' Grammar VALJOY Erk, I thought I told you not to wear my
School. Well, I wouldn't want to go there if they Converse dupes to school!
paid me!

(ALISON exits.)

37
 MUM We're having a barbeque tonight, Erk. this is my sister Valjoy and my other sister Jedda
and,,,
(JEOOA cheers.)
' (She falters to a slop when she gets to""""· but he
ERICA Can't we ever eat anything except junk food? stretches out his hand.)

VALJOY I won't be here. Spider and Blonk are taking LENNIE Lennie's the handle.
me lo the drive-in !o see Scream VI. (The
doorbell rings.) I'll gel it That'll be Spider.
I
(VAlJOV exits, LENNIE grabs a squealing MUM and pulls MUM Tell you what, love. We're having a barbeque,
her onto his knee.) so why don't you stay and have tea with us?

(ERICA wills ALISON to say 'no'.)

DEVIL
ERICA
N Say 'no'! Please Alison, say 'NO'!

ALISON Thank you very much for the invitation, Mrs

Yurken.
(vAwov returns.)
MUM Sure your mum wouldn't mind?
VALJOY Erk, there's a kid frnm your school wants to see
you. Can't think why. (ERICA sends another message,)
DEVIL
(ALISON enters.) ~ERICA Yes, she'd hate it! Say you're not allowed!

MUM Hello, love, you in the same class as Erk? ALISON Oh no, she wouldn't mind, as long as I get home
by dark.
ALISON I took home Erica's pencil case by mistake, Mrs
Yurken. I thought I'd better return it because of (ERICA Is In agony.)
all the homework we've got to do over the
weekend. MUM Fine! You and Erk might w�nt to go listen to
music in her room.
MUM Say thank-you for the pencil case, Erk. Where's
your manners? ERICA No! Nol

ERICA Thanks. (Pause) Um, Alison, this is my mum, and MUM Erk's just mad about that group BTS. She
plays their songs non-stop.

38 39
ii!!

ERICA How embarrassing! (MUM, VAwov and """" exit,) crash he flew out over the ocean and crashed
That's not really true, what Mum said about me there so he wouldn't come down on any houses,
liking BTS, My little sister Jedda's the one Mum never got over it
who's into BTS, '
ALISON I thought you said she had a boyfriend witb a
JEDDA No, I'm not, racehorse stud-farm,

ERICA Yes, you are! ERICA What's that got to do with it? My mum's very
popular,
ALISON Was that your dad?
(Pause)
(Pause,)
ALISON Um , , , Nice house,
ERICA Certainly notl
ERICA We're only living here because my brother is
ALISON I thought he must be your dad because your training to be a missionary, Our real house is
mother was , .. you know. over near Kyle Grammar. Lennie, the man you
saw outside, is a security guard there.
ERICA He's a friend of hers. But she really doesn't like
him, He's not her real boyfriend or anything. (JEooA enters).
Her real boyfriend's fantastic, He's very hand-
some and he owns a racehorse stud-farm and a JEDDA Erk, the barbeque's ready. (To ALISON) Want to
Mercedes. hear me call a race?

ALISON Really? ERICA No, she doesn't. r:-1

I
i:
ERICA My real father is dead. (But JEDDA launches into it .. . )

)EDDA l thought he was in Queensland. JEDDA Irish Mist getting a dear run on the rails,
followed by Uranus, King Herod sneaking up on
ERICA He's dead in Queensland. the outside, followed by Perfy Boy, followed by
Champagne Charley, with Sky's The Limit and
ALISON Oh, I'm sorry. Take a Gamble well back in the field ...

(,.,c• pushes JEooA out of the room.) ERICA Don't mind her. When Jedda was a baby she was
trapped in a burning pram for several 'hours,
ERICA He was killed in a plane crash. He was a test
pilot. When he knew his plane was going to JEDDA Was I?

40 41
 ElllCA Yes, and if you don't shut up I'll put you back in /EDDA You want a sausage, Alison?
there.
ALISON Could I have a tissue, please? ORBELL
staggers into the kitchen In his red
(HARLEY -e
underpants.) (There Is a roar of motorcycles off as VAwov·s friends
arrive,)
HARLEY Who's this, Erk?
VALJOY That's Spider and Blonk.
ElllCA This is Alison Ashley. This is my brother Harley.
(vAuov puts down her plate and jumps to her feet.)
ALISON Pleased to meet you, Harley. How's school?
MUM They're not coming in the house.
HARLEY What school?
VALJOY Oh, that's not fair, Mum!
ALISON Missionary school.
LENNIE What's your pick for the fifth, Jedda?
HARLEY This is some weird kid, Erk. I don't know what
•she's talking about. )EDDA Guinea Gold. He always wins on a heavy track.

(HARLEY exits,) MUM Last time Spider washed his leather jacket in the
sink without asking.
ERICA They take a vow of silence at missionary school.
They're not allowed to mention it outside the LENNIE Gee, you're good Jedda!
monastery.
ERICA She sounds like a beery old derelict at the TAB.
ALISON Oh!
MUM And you're not going out dressed like that!
ERICA And in case you're wondering, he got a special
dispensation from the Pope to wear red jocks. VALJOY Get lost I

(J<DDA takes two sausages.) (VALJOY exits,)

MUM Jedda! MUM (To ALISON) Do you have any pain-in-the-neck

brothers and sisters, love?
(MuM indicates that ALISON hasn't eaten yet. JEDOA
takes a sausage from her own mouth and offers it ALISON No, there's only me, I'm the only child.
to A.USON,)
(LENNIE shakes up a Coke can.)

42 43
 LENNIE Here, I'll pause it. Here, got the envelopes all
made up, (LENNIE produces them.) Come on, every­
one pick a horse.
ERICA (To ,usoN) Have some sauce.
(JeooA and MUMpick slips of paper from the enve­
(Shouting and revylng of bikes outside.) lope and read the names of their horses.)

I
MUM (Yells) Will you boys get off to your own homes? JEDDA (Disappointed) Noddy.
If you've got any, which I doubt.
MUM (Pleased) Beldale Beauty.
VALJOY (Off) I'm never allowed to invite my friends
home! JEDDA Oh, you've got three there, Mum!

MUM This place is always neck deep in creepy­ (MUM lays two slips on the table.)
looking tech kids who've been suspended from
school. MUM Cro-Magnon Manfor Harley and Devil's Disci-
ple for Valjoy.
(LENNIE Jumps up looking at his watch.)
LENNIE Come on, Alison, one for you too. Lucky dip.
LENNIE Uh-oh! Time for the big race!
ALISON Oh, I . , ,
(He grabs the TV remote and switches it on. A race caller is
heard .... ) LENNIE Got to be in it to win it.

CALLER Flashing light is on , , , racing in the Civic (ALISON tokes a name.)

Handicap. Himalaya missed the start by a length
but the rest got away in a good line, Racing ALISON Himalaya.
quickly from an outside gate to head them off is I
Prince Charming, with Cro-Magnon Man set­ (Groans from LENNIE, MUM and JEDDA,)
tling in behind him and back behind them is
Beldale Beauty , , LENNIE That's a roughie, love. Never mind.

JEDDA Sweep, sweep, sweep, sweep! (He offers the envelope to ,mcA.)

MUM It's too late for a sweep, Jedda, the race has ERICA I'm not doing it,
started.
MOM Oh, come on, Erk, they've started already,
(LENNIE switches the radio off.)

44 45
 (uNNIE picks for her.) won the last sausage. How would that be, eh?

LENNIE Rising Fury for Erk and Prince Charming for (LENN" offers It to ALISON,)
me. And they're racing!
ALISON Oh, I've had plenty to eat thank you. I really
(He presses play on the remote. ALL listen, UNNIE, ought lo go, Mrs Yurken.
MUM and JEDDA getting very excited. ALISON
bewildered but enjoying 11. ERICA disgusted. but LENNIE Put it in a doggie bag for you.
becoming Involved as Rising Fury laaks like having
a winning chance.) (LENNIE wraps It in a tissue and hands It ta ACISON,)

CALLER As they round the home turn, four hundred lo ALISON Oh, thank you. And thank you for having me,
run, it's Prince Charming leading them into the Mrs Yurken. I've had a very nice time.
straight, half a length from Beldale Beauty with
Noddy and Rising Fury ranging up on the LENNIE You're a real nice well-behaved kid, Alison.
outside. Prince Charming is weakening on the
tum and is gathered in by Noddy. Rising Fury MUM You come round any time, love. Erk doesn't get
challenging now ... Noddy, Rising Fury, Noddy, on very well with other kids as a rule.
Rising Fury, anybody's race, but wait, here's a
dream split for Himalaya coming from nowhere ERICA Mum!
under the whip. Noddy is gone, Rising Fury just
holding Himalaya fifty out, but Himalaya's fin­ MUM Erk, gel up off your numberplate and say tata
ishing too well and Himalaya's going to win it! nicely.
Himalaya by a head from Rising Fury, Cro,.
Magnon Man took third place with a late run, (,mcA leads ALISON to the door. Behind them the
Prince Charming fourth ... scene changes back to the classroom.)
(LENNIE switches off the TV.)
!i Ell!CA Don'! lake any notice of them, Alison. Valjoy
MUM Well done, Alison! and Lennie and Jedda and that ... they're not
really, um ...
LENNIE Boy, you can pick 'em!
ALISON II' s all right, Yuk. It's just . : . it's certainly very
different from Hedge End Road.
JEDDA What's the prize?
ERICA 'It's certainly very differ-en! from
(Mimicking)
MUM We forgot to put our money in! Hedge End Road.'

LENNIE Ah, just a bit offun. Here, Alison, let's say you ALISON Yuk, I didn't mean ...

46 47 EVERYONE FREEZES
SPOTLIGHT Angel+Devil
 SCENE 6.5 ANGEL Are you finished?
ERICA’S CONSCIENCE AGAIN
ANGEL Well, that was blown out of proportion! DEVIL Snob.

DEVIL What? Where you even there? She totally

started it! (Mimicking in a mocking tone (ERICA
mimicked in a hurt tone)). “It’s certainly very
different from Hedge End Road”.

ANGEL She didn’t say it like that. There was a sadness

in her eyes.
DEVIL She is such a snob! How dare she invite herself
over here, make it all about her, ruin everything,
as she always does.
ANGEL Mum asked her/to stay...

DEVIL If everything is so great in Hedge End Road

why doesn’t she just stay over there, nobody
wants her here! / (continue)
ANGEL I don’t/ know... (about that)

DEVIL Nobody wants her at School. Nobody likes her./

(continued)
ANGEL Well, that’s just not true.

DEVIL She’s just a snobby snob snob who thinks she’s

better than everyone else. Comes in mid-year,
thinks she knows all the answers. “Wow, so
well read”, “My Aunty is a librarian”. Ugh, I
just HATE her!

Scene 6.5
Scene 6.5
 SCENE 7.5
ERICA’S CONSCIENCE AGAIN, AGAIN
DEVIL (To ERICA) Just put it back on the table… You are a kind person, so do this one selfless
act. You HAVE to.
ANGEL No you can’t do that… (ERICA is convinced.)

DEVIL Just put it down on the table and walk away. It’s
not your responsibility to pick up after little
miss goody two shoes.
ANGEL Miss Belmont said/…

DEVIL Miss Belmont didn’t say anything!

ANGEL Come on, don’t listen to her (indicating DEVIL).

You know what the right thing to do here is.

DEVIL Just walk away…

ANGEL NO! Have you ever heard of being a good

person! Come on, Erica!
DEVIL Alison’s not a good person, she wouldn’t do it
for you if the roles were reversed.
ANGEL AH, YES, SHE WOULD! She did, um hello?
Don’t you remember the pencil case save?
DEVIL And look at how that turned out.

ANGEL I’m sorry, but I’m pulling rank here. Erica,

you’re taking it to her house and that’s that.
Deliberately stopping someone from going to
camp is just cruel.

Scene 7.5 Scene 7.5

 • SCENE
ERICA'S HOUSE
EIGHT •

I • SCENE
ALISON'S HOUSE
NINE

begins with Camp dance

•

SEATNG
(MuM enters.) lounges in her tastefully designed house. NOEMPTY
(ALISON

Sound of tinkling chimes. ALISON gets up and opens ↑ENTRANCE

the door to discover ERICA.)
to
MUM But we're going out with Lennie this afternoon!

ERICA I have to take it round to her place, Mum.

ALISON Hello, Yuk!
merous
it
MUM If you ask me, Erk, you just want to stickybeak
at this Alison Ashley's posh house. ERICA Hello, Alison. I found your consent fonn for the
camp.
ERICA Course I don't. (Behind her the scene is changed to
ALISON'Shouse as she continues ... ) Why should I ALISON Oh, thank heavens you brought it, Yuk! I was
have the slightest interest in Alison Ashley's wondering what I was going to do. Come in,
house ... al number 23 Hedge End Road?
Where lawns look like still green pools, and ERICA I can't stay. My sister's in the Olympic swim-
every house with its pretty garden has gleaming ming team and I have lo help coach them.
wide windows, and the cars parked in every
driveway are polished Model Y Teslas. (She ALISON Do you?
stops.) Why should I care if Alison Ashley's
house has the most beautiful front door you've ERICA I hold the stopwatch.
ever seen, carved wood with amber panels
on each side? ALISON Really?

(MUM exits.) ERICA And write down their times, on a clipboard.

ALISON Oh.

(Awkward pause)
Royals - Lorde singing transition.
ALISON Wouldn't you like to come in and have a drink? I
can make milkshakes.

53
 (,mcA hesitates, then curiosity gets the better of ALISON Who?
her.)
ERICA Your mother.
ERICA All right.
ALISON She's not a nurse. She owns a restaurant.
(ERICA enters, looks _around the house.)
ERICA _ Like a pizza parlour?
ALISON What is it?
ALISON No, it's a proper licensed restaurant with wait­
ERICA Your house is ... so tidy. ers. They have silver candlesticks 011 the tables
and velvet chairs ...
ALISON My mother's a bit fussy. I always have to clean
things up straight away. ERICA Oh!

(ALISON moves through to !he kitchen, forcing ERICA to

call after her ... )
&
(Pause) - LONG PAUSE
ERICA We could play Hats.
ERICA •Where's your dad?
ALISON What's Hats?
Ssh! (ERICA is puzzled.) Mum's having a sleep
ALISON
upstairs. ERICA It's a word game. Everyone has to think of a
(Whispers) Where's your dad? different hat in turn, and if you can't think of
ERICA one by the count of ten, you're out.
They got divorced last year.
ALISON (ERICA starts to osk ... ) Oh! Did your dad go off with ALISON It sounds fun.

ERICA
. , . ? (Then she changes ii to ... ) That's not as bad ERICA When my father was in the Antarctic gathering
as losing your father in a tragic plane crash. You rock specimens for the museum, all the men
used lo play Hats when there was a blizzard on
can still go and visit him, can't you?
and they couldn't leave the tents.
Not when he's gone off to Canada and hardly
ALISON ever texts or anything. (Pause) I'd invite you ALISON I thought your father was a test pilot.
into my room to listen to music but I don't want ERICA He was a geologist as well.
to wake up my mother. She works very long
(Pause. ALISON brings milkshakes.)
hours at the weekend.
ERICA Which hospital does she work al? ALISON Haloes and beekeeper's nets.

54 55
 hel
-ball

BE SEEN
MUM UP IN BALCONY , CAN .

- SR box

0
zimALEX
SCENE 9.75
THE CAMP LEADERS
(Waving with uncontained enthusiasm) Hey, ALEX
grand performance showcase at the end of the
camp.
(Excitedly) Ah, yes! Imagine performing under
everyone! Gather round, gather round! those dazzling lights with the audience filled
Welcome to the best place on Earth, Applause with your family and friends..
Camp! I'm Alex, your captain of creativity, your MORGAN Yes, I know I know, very exciting! But before
guide to all things fun and artistic! we get there, we need to sort out where you’ll
MORGAN (Slightly stiff, arms crossed) And I'm Morgan, your Too loud be sleeping.
other camp leader. The responsible one. The 'Quiet
one who'll ensure we don't burn the place down Ms B (Mermer from the crowd, ‘cabins...’)
-
.

while chasing our dreams. MORGAN (Getting out the list) Yes,
that’s right. I believe
ALEX (Rolls eyes dramatically) Oh, come on, Morgan, your teacher had you fill out a form back at
you make it sound like a boot camp! Folks, we school. Well, some people didn’t quite fill it out
are here to explore, create, and inspire! properly. So, the following people don’t have a
Applause Camp is the best Performing Arts cabin.
School Camp-Ground in Vicotria’s North East! ALEX (Interjecting) YET! Don’t have one, YET! (Aside
MORGAN (To ALEX) Second best, Alex, we came second, to MORGAN) Don’t make them feel bad...
remember. MORGAN (To ALEX) I’m just saying... (ad lib bickering
ALEX (To MORGAN) They don’t need to know that... between them)
ALEX (To the campers, who feel awkward about the
MORGAN (Quickly interjecting) Anyway. Alex, you're CAMP LEADERS bickering) It’s ok, we’ve got room
forgetting the important part - discipline and for everyone, no one will be left out. st
respect. These facilities are top-notch, yes, but MORGAN
I believe
everyone tuld cabin
their bus this morning
on the

Ok. The following campers don’t have cabins, ,

was
?? Great
which
they are to be used responsibly. And remember,
N

YET. Ok, we have Skylar and Quinn.

respect extends not just to the facilities, but to
ALEX You have put down that you need a cabin to
each other as well.
ALEX
yourselves.
(Waving off MORGAN’s caution) Sure, sure,
SKYLAR That’s right, we believe as the most popular
respect, discipline, blah, blah. But guys, we're
also here to make unforgettable memories and girls in the school, we shouldn’t have to share a
lifelong friends, right? cabin...
MORGAN QUINN Yeah, that’s right. What she said!
(Nods reluctantly) Yes, but let's not lose sight of
the bigger picture. We're here for a reason: the
Scene 9.75.1 Scene 9.75.2
 MORGAN Ok...? Well, that’s not going to happen. We’ve
put you in the ‘Kanga’s’ with Diane, who said
she would be in any cabin as long as she was
the leader.
DIANE It’s a gift really, I’m just a natural leader. You
will be so well organised, it will be great.

(SKYLAR and QUINN groan)

ALEX You’ve also got … is this supposed to be

Margret? Margrart? Who has put down that she
would like to be in a cabin with the Camp
Fairies.

(Everyone laughs)

MARGEART Does that mean I won’t get to see the fairies?

(Everyone laughs again)

MORGAN Ok, and finally we’ll add Erica and Alison...

ERICA (With her hand up) Excuse me... (About to

complain and explain why she can’t be in this
cabin)
ALEX Sorry, no time for any more
(Dismissing Erica)
comments, we need to get you settled in your
cabins before the dinner bell goes in...
MORGAN 10 minutes! Quick everyone, off to your cabin.
Choose your bunk and unpack!

Scene 9.75.3
I
• SC EN N
E •
TE

I
TH D O RM
E

(MR K E NNA R D ba cks in to the r om,o K ID S pushing nd

shoving In fr o n tof hm i . M • "'"" "' D ye lls lne ffec lu aa ll
y
Into a megap ho ne . . .
)

MR Camp rs cam ers ai t a i t Li t i i

e , w m nu e en
ng
, p ! s n
KENNARD please .. .

DIANE Get ou t
Barr
, yl

BARRY I was first

!

ERICA I bags a top bu nk .

MR
There' no hu r c amp
s ry
,
KENNARD ers.

SKYLAR
=°=x I hags a top b nk t o
.
u o
DIANE

QUINN :
Me too

MARGJEART Sir I'v e lost my spong e hag .

,
REECE : of course she did
MR
We're no t g
o
i in til yI ' q i t
ng u n o ue
r u e .. .
KENNARD

Barry took it M eart Hayden

:

Back off Erica

a
ERICA
rg .
-,
- Oscar Yeah
:
Erica

BARRY I never. I fo nd it.

u

MR
Camp ers child r p l e!
en, eas
KENNARD ,

DIANE He p inched it.

Yeah I saw it with two

QUINN my own
eyes
:

61
REECE :
HOW DARE YOU INSULT BARRY'S INTEGRITY !

innocent !
OSCAR : He's
 Mr Kennard : Now ...
Children ... please don't ...

SKYLAR
:

I'll be taking the top bunk obviously

SKYLAR
=

cabin
ALL BOYS Unscripted talking about
going your choosing your
: to +

bunk as you walk off

 ALL
My nan has a b ad back. It's called lumbago. I MARGEART
=> Ohhhh!
A
E RT
MAR G
neve r knew kids our ag e could catch lumbago.
(DIAN, finds v,uov's block nightie.)
Hey look at Yuk's old sleep ing bag !
DIA N E
QUINN : Looks, like she
picked it up from Salvo's As
DIANE Ohhhhl

RI It m y l ok old and bat tere d but it"s very

N
a o
E C A It was used on the first exp edition to MARGEART..Ohhhhhl
valua ble.
clim b Mo un t Everest.
SAYLAR
:

It just looks
ratty DIANE Ohhhhl Yuk, can I wear this one morning at
be
r akfast?
u st looks old to me.
It jMN
DI A
N E I can wear it at lunch then !
SKYAR :

( LISON tokes no po rt in the admiration ritual. She

Well lo ok at this then . A

ERICA , unpacks her own clothes, Including a beautiful

(She starts to unpack a stack of vAlk,v's slinky or!enta dressing gown. Miss BELMONT enters.)
l
clothe sfr o
m her suitcase.)
Miss Why , Alison, what a lovely dressing gown
!
Oh wo w lo ok at Yu k 's clothes! BELMONT You're a very lucky girl to own such a beautiful
,
MA R G E A
RT thing
!
Oh g iv e us lo o
k Yuk a i
DI E
AN , , with these (ALLHEAosturn to look a it.)
t
SKYLAR : I'm litterally obsessed
Are y ou a llo we d to wear hig h heels, Yuk?
MA R G A
E RT ALL Ohhhh
!
Ho come yo u ne v er wear an o these clothes
y f
ALISO N w
to sc h oo l
? ALISON My mother bought ii overseas somewhere. But
I save go
city them to clubbing on weekends in the t
i 's not very useful really.
-
I
ERC
I A DIANE Give us a look, Alison .
n
ights
=>
.
in year 6
QUINN : But you're
( RT reads a labe on the back of a pair o
l f
MARGEART Can I see?
MA RGEA
je na .s ) QUINN
DIANE I try il on?
Erica
nee
guy All
D , I know a
:
Ooon (impressed)
=> Can
to let burrow it
AR
Wh o's 'Val j o '
y
?
SKYLAR Its just my size , got you're me

M GER
A T (emcA knows she is upstaged.
)
(Agr bs Well
a the jeans bock again. ) ,

ERIC Val-Jai ERICA We can't all have mothers who nip overseas and
Its pronunced N
designer . She's very buy us dressing gown s jus t lo take on a schoo
T at's t e nam e of th
e
h h
l
ERIC A 1
famo in Ilaly bu o course you wouldn't camp .
us , t f
kn ow tha t.

64 65
 SCENE 10.75 ANGEL IT’S NOT PERFECT.
ANGEL AND DEVIL
DEVIL Well, I hate to say I told you so! DEVIL What makes you say that? Her perfect house?
Her perfect clothes? Her perfect family?
ANGEL (To DEVIL) Do you? Do you hate to say it??? ANGEL Perfect Family?

DEVIL (To ANGEL)Haha, I’m loving it! (Angrily) I TOLD DEVIL Yeah, her Mum works in a fancy restaurant and

"Abeat
YOU SO! But now Erica’s going to have to live she’s got no siblings to compete with. Must be
with YOUR mistake all camp! so nice.
ANGEL Maybe it will be fine...? ANGEL Must be lonely.
.

DEVIL Ha! Yeah, maybe. DEVIL Whatever.

ANGEL Ok, I know it looks bad. But can we try to make ANGEL I think you need to open your eyes.
the best out of a bad situation? Erica needs to
focus on the play, she’s been working towards it DEVIL I think you need to close your mouth.
all year.
DEVIL Not sure how anyone’s meant to focus with

D
little miss goodie two shoes around. (harshly
mimicking ALISON) “Oh, my Mother went to
Spain to buy my new summer wardrobe!”
ANGEL She didn’t say that...

DEVIL She might as well have. Rubbing all her

families money in our face. (mimicking again)
“Wow, look at me. Look at everything I’ve got,
look at my perfect life.
ANGEL (under her breath) It’s not perfect.

DEVIL What was that?

Scene 10.75.2
Scene 10.75.1
 r

ALJSON No, give her another go. Coronet.

•
i------· _s_c_E_N_E_T_W_E_L_V_E_____--lt Sunhat.

I
DIANE
SKYLAR Tiffany headband
:

THE DORM QUINN

ERICA
:
Crown
Mortar board.

ALL . One, two, three, four, five, six ...

(1H, GIRLS sit around a candle, eating a midnight

MARGEART Hair curlers.
feast. They are playing 'Hats', emcA is ploying too,
but sits apart from the other three.) (Groans. There is a tapping at the window and a
pasty hand starts to write 'sewARe' backwards.)

ALISON Bobby's helmet. DIANE What's that?

DIANE School hat (There Is a spooky groan from outside.)

SKYLAR : SWIM CAP
(Terrified) It's ... it's writing in Greek! (The hand
(It Is ERICA'S
=>
RUGBY HELMET >
turn,) MAROEART
QUINN suddenly remembers to use mirror wrltlng in order that
:

ALL One, two . , . those inside should get the 's,w,ee' message. It rubs it
out and starts again.) It's a ghost!
ERICA Cricket cap.
ERICA (Warily) It's not.
(MARGEART thinks hard.)
ALISON It's Barry Hollis.
ALL One, two, three, four, five. six ...
BARRY I'm coming to gel you-ooooosel
faces
funny , you should've
seen

MARGEART Hair. HAYDEN Haha that

:

,
was so your
ALISON What are yon doing, Barty?
(Groans from DIANE and rn1CA.)
(SARRY climbs in through the, window, covered In a

DIANE You can't say 'hair', Margeart. sheet and white powder.)

ALISON Margeart, it has lo be a sort of hat. Something BARRY !letter lock the windows tonight, girls.
REECE Lock em tight
you wear on your head.
DIANE What for?
ERICA She's out.
BARRY So the Basin Skins don't gel yonse,

Ugh seriously 71(sist funny)

it
SKYLAR over

70
not
: ,
,
 Margeart :

full
QUINN at
A can't
possibly be true ,
I'll see for myself solar
-

Who the basin skins ??? Ha ha ... ha

OSCAR : are

ALL :

Scream

SKYLAR :

Sure
you're not
talking about yourself Barry

REECE :
Its true I saw it
margea
Miss I can't

find my
retainer
 *
Jakara Glipboard .

SCENE 12.5 ALEX It’s ok.

ALEX AND MORGAN
Exterior Camp Set MORGAN I just get so frustrated. These kids get given this
camp experience FOR FREE and then they
(MISS BELMONT has just come out of the Kanga’s
Hut and is walking off stage. ALEX and MORGAN don’t even respect it. I would have killed to
enter from opposite sides carrying torches) come to a camp like this when I was their age.
ALEX Right, so the Koala’s and Wombat’s cabins have
ALEX I know.
settled down for a beautiful sleep, they were
singing a gentle lullaby when I left. How did
you go? MORGAN They really don’t know how lucky they are.
MORGAN There won’t be another peep from the Possum And they get caught up in all this other
Cabin, I just told them if I hear another word nonsense like who’s the most popular or who’s
they will be sent home immediately. I might go the leader and they miss all the good bits. If
and sit outside their cabin for a bit to see if I can they don’t sleep tonight, then they’ll be too tired
catch them out. tomorrow to work on their performance.
ALEX Why do you do that? ALEX They’re just kids. They don’t know yet.
MORGAN Why do I do what? MORGAN But they should know. That’s why I’m so harsh.
To teach them.
ALEX That! Focus on the negative? Why don’t you ALEX I think some things they have to learn for
give them the benefit of the doubt?
themselves.
MORGAN Well, they haven't given me any reason to trust MORGAN Maybe.
them? Trust has to be earnt.
ALEX Sometimes trust has to be given before it can be (They both sigh)
earnt.
MORGAN ALEX It’s a beautiful night.
That’s stupid. Your stupid.

(They both look at each other) MORGAN It is a beautiful night

MORGAN ALEX Do you want to go over the choreography we’re

I’m sorry, you’re not stupid.
Scene 12.5.2 teaching for tomorrow?
Scene 12.5.2
MORGAN You know I do.

Scene 12.5.3
 ERICA Certainly not! As if I'd be doing anything so
immature I (Into phone) I'll give you another ring
, SCENE THIRTEEN • tomorrow night, Leo, after all the little kids are
THE TELEPHONE BOOTH asleep. And on Saturday I'll be free to go
parachute jumping with you. Bye ... darling.
(ERICA hangs up,)

(Outside the hut there Is a public telephone booth. BARRY Who's Leo?
eo1cA enters. picks up the telephone and dials. MuM's
voice is heard.) ERICA Someone I know.

(BARRY knows who It really was.)

MUM Hello?
BADY Finished with the phone? Got to ring my
ERICA Hello, Mum ... it's Erica. v girlfriend. (BARRY dials.) I often ring her at funny
hours. She doesn't mind. Get away. This is very
MUM • Erica! What's the matter? Have you broken private!
your leg or something?
(ERlCA eavesdrops. BARRY'S MUM'S voice is heard,)
,;;rucA No.
MRS HOLLIS Hello?
MUM Or is it snakebite? Or is the camp surrounded by
bushfires? BARRY if\!!empted sex�) Hello, it's Barry.

ErucA I only wanted to chat. MRS HOLLIS Why are you ringing at this ungodly hour,
Barry? And why didn't you take your parka with
MUM Erk, it's 1.30 in the morning. I thought you you after I sewed the name-tag on specially?
were some telemarketer scammer asking me if And if you're not behaving yourselfI'II bell you
my Internet is still connected. And it turns out one when you get home!
to be only you! Go back to bed, nowl
(MRS HOLLIS hangs up,)
(She hangs up. ERICA turns to see !IARRY HOLLIS watch­
ing her. He is as scared as she Is, spooked by his own ElllCA Was that your Mum, Barry?
tales of the Basin Skins and bloodstains. Neverthe­
less he grins slyly.) BADY Well, what about you? Some guy called Leo!

BARRY Who are you ringing? Your Mum? ERICA Why did you ring her? Were you scared, Barry?

74 75
 Construction helmet
- Skylar
:

& QUINN :

Top hat

-
All : Groan

ALISON : 60 easy on her , she's confused thats all

just
.

count ??
Margeart If put my hands on my head
I
:

/put
hands on head) does that

Mr Kennard Yes Maam .

*
Hula skirt .
 Students
(Pirate Peg doesn't realise that everyone Is waiting MISS Listening in, Kangas. In activity time this morn­
=>
>

for her,) BELMONT ing I want you to think up an original idea for a
play for Drama Night. At previous camps,
ERICA So hoist the Jolly Roger, people just sat back and let the teachers do all
And load the cannons grim, !he work ...
For Captain lllood approaches ...
ERICA_, . Aren't we doing Pirate Peg of the Jolly Roger?
ALL One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, MISS
nine, TEN! BELMONT
Not this year, Erica.
All Snicker
laugh
:
+

DIANE You're out, Yuk! ERICA But they always do Pirate Peg! They've been
doing it for years!
ERICA That's not fair. I wasn't watching.
MISS Exactly. Dragging that tired old pantomime out
DIANE That's not our fault. BELMONT of the cupboard again is not my idea of creative
SKYLAR:

Maybe if
you took your head out of that lame script for )
once drama at all.
ERICA I have to learn my lines, don't I?
ERICA Couldn't we just use bits of Pirate Peg? We
ALISON But you've been learning them for weeks, Yuk. could jumble up the lines ...

ERICA That just shows how little you know about MISS Certainly not. I want a brand new play from
theatre, Alison Ashley! All great actresses come BELMONT each group. The play can be about anything at
to the very first rehearsal with all their lines all, but I certainly don't want to see any violence
learned so they don't even have to bring the or anything in poor taste that will give Barringa
script. East a bad name. So jump to it - now!

It's only a play for Drama Night, Yuk. exits. ERICA throws herself on to the
(MISS BELMONT

seriously
DIANE
QUINN : You need to relax ground and howls her frustration.)
Girls
ERICA If that's your attitude, -
Diane, it's just as well
.
that someone in Kangas is taking the !rouble to DIANE Anyone got any good ideas for plays?
do it properly. You may not mind getting up in '
front of all the parents on Drama Night and (No-one has. There are a number of half-heorted
making a fool of yourself,S but I'm playing Pirate suggestions, ottractlng no support from any other
Peg and I intend to do it very well. Kangas ... )

(Miss BELMONT enters and claps her hands for MARGEA!lT What about Matilda?
attention.)
BARRY The Demon Barber.

78 79
 QUINN :

Mean girls please !

Oh Yeah Oo what about Mamma Mia !
Skylar
:
.

do Dusts but instead rock climber

singer shes a

Would
of a

DIANE We could put onshreda manne

,

quin parade or a ERICA Naturally the matron will be the main part, and
What school Rock guitar
I can the
REECE
beauty contest. naturally I'll act that, seeing I'm the one that
:
of
,

Wicked could from

-
the
totally fly ceiling
Diane What about thought up the idea.
I
: ,

BARRY Jack the Ripper. Bags me being Jack.

OSCAR Youed see What about costumes?
victim
OSCAR :

I'll be his bloody :

DIANE
DIANE She said no violence. Jeez you kids, come on,
will you? Ideas! (To ALISON) Can you think of ER.ICt., Well, Alison Ashley's got enough white clothes
something? to outfit a hospital, and everyone's got pyjamas.
Shove some chairs together to look like a row of
ALISON I'm trying to, but I just can't. hospital beds. (They do this with great enthusiasm,
while ERICA scribbles notes.) Margeart, you gel into a
MARGEAfl.T I thought the group leader of the Kangas was bed and be a patient, 'cause they don't have to
supposed lo think up the ideas. say much. Diane can be the nurse. And then I
SKYLAR :
Yeah you're right Marge ,
come on Diane
come on as the matron making a tour of inspec­
DIANE The group leader's just the organiser. Everyone tion. She's a very bossy matron. Everyone has to
has lo help with ideas. shake with terror when she runs her fingers
along looking for dust. This is the way the
ALISON Why don't you ask Yuk? (i'\11 eyes turn to ,Ric,. She matron should be acted. (rn,cA prepares to make a
panics. then recovers.) big entrance. Then she dries up.) Um ... I think it
might he better if the matron came in from this
ERICA As a matter of fact, I have a very good idea for a door here.
play.
DIANE What for?
DIANE What?
QUINN :

This'll be good EIIICA Look, I'm making up this play and I know how it
ERICA It could be set in a hospital. With an operating has to be done. The matron comes in like this.
theatre scene and we could gel some sausages
and kidneys and liver to make ii realistic. (rn1cA makes another big entrance, then freezes
with stage fright when all eyes are on her.)
DIANE Hey yeah, with doctors and nurses.
BARRY Pretty funny matron, just 9pening and shutting
BARRY And blood! her mouth.
HAYDEN :

Yeah lots of blood

ERICA And a visitor coming in drunk from a football (ERICA fumbles for her notes.)
match.
ERICA Um ... I've come to ... I'm here to "make a ...
OSCAR+ BARIIY Go TIges! ward inspection. Nurse Jackson ...

80 81
 SCENE 14.5 DEVIL (over the top) Erica is the best and it’s time
ANGEL AND DEVIL 2 everyone recognised that.
ANGEL What? ANGEL I don’t think that’s what the camp performance
is about...
DEVIL WHAT JUST HAPPENED? DEVIL Well, it should be. None of the other kids are
half as good as Erica.
(ANGEL is hyperventilating) ANGEL I’m really nervous about this, I don’t think it
will end well!
DEVIL So we’re not doing Pirate Peg...?. DEVIL Um... Have we just totally reversed roles? Why
are you being so negative all of a sudden? I
ANGEL And Erica is going to have to write the whole thought that was my job?
thing herself??? ANGEL I’m just being realistic!
DEVIL Wait, are you freaking out about this?
DEVIL Well stop, you’re ruining my vibe. Everything
ANGEL Are you not? will be fine if she just pushes through and
doesn’t listen to you...
DEVIL ANGEL I...
This will be great! Erica can ditch that daggy
old play and create something more worthy of
her talent! DEVIL Ah ah ah! Everything’s going to be just fine!
ANGEL Umm, were you just there? That didn’t go very
well...
DEVIL Are you kidding, it went great!

ANGEL Erica seemed really uncomfortable.

DEVIL Uncomfortable. Uncrushable.

ANGEL That’s /not a word...

Scene 14.5.1 Scene 14.5.2

 (eR!cA falters to a stop, her voice a mere squeak,) ASHLEY embarrassed.)

MAIIGEART Isn't the matron supposed to be bossy? ERICA There's no need lo be embarrassed. This is what
":: th� matron has to say ... (She reads from her notes.
(rn1cA looks at her notes. braces herself and tries It Is not a great reading, but much more confident
again.) than when she was In the spotlight , , .) Tm here lo
make a ward inspection. Nurse Jackson, what is
ERICA I'm here lo make a ward inspection. Nurse this patient doing on the floor? How dare you
Jackson, um , . . (BA••v giggles. ,mcA covers up.) leave patients lying around untidily like that
What we really need is a director. We'll leave during visiting hours! Kindly put him back into
out the part of the matron for the moment and bed this minute.' Only of course you have to put
go on to the drunk visitor arriving. That's Barry in a lot of expression and actions and every­
Hollis. thing. Go ahead, Alison, there's absolutely
REECE :
Ave you kidding me I wanted to be the drunk guy
,
nothing to ill
BARRY Who says I'm acting in any dumb play?
ALISON I've never acted before. Couldn't I just be a
ERICA I do. No-one else is foul-mouthed "I'd patient like Margeart?
grotty enough to do the part except you. OSCAR :

You'll be great Alison

ERICA It doesn't matter how stupid you sound reading
BARIW (Complimented) You reckon? out this part now, because I'll be taking over and
doing it on Drama Night.
(He takes up his position.)
ALISON All right then,(AllSON moves awkwardly to her posi­
ERICA Now, this is what you do. You come in and tion and clumsily mimes opening the door. ERICA is
you're drunk see, so you fall down on the enjoying ALISON'S discomfort. Then suddenly ALISON
ground. And then the matron comes in ... (She launches into It - a great Impersonation of MISSBElMONrs
realises that this is her again) I can't be expected to manner.) I'm here to make a ward inspection.
write this play and direct it and do every little Nurse Jackson, what is t�is patient doing on the
job single-handed. I need a temporary stand-in floor? How dare you leave patients lying around
to be the matron till I've got the whole thing untidily like that during visiting hours! Kindly
worked oui. put him back into bed this minute I (The OTHER •10,
are very impressed, but ALISON is still hesitant.) Did I
DIANE Alison, then. say it right?

ALISON I couldn't act a big part like the matron. I'd feel ERICA Not bad.
embarrassed.
DIANE What do you mean, 'no! bad'? She was fantastic!
(,orcA takes this In - her big chance to see ALISON Miss Belmont
REECE :

You were as
scary
as

82 83
HAYDEN Miss Belmont
Hey is as
:

no one
,
scary as

Anatomy that was awesome

OSCAR :

Alison
you
could be on
Greys ,

decent
Barry :

Not bab with , acting like that the show might be half
 Kingsley [All ensemble look down line]
It the
James : No Miss Belmont ...
was

ERICA& She's only the understudy! Kingsley

:
What ?!?

⑳)}⑤°
④!④
!
Ms B Very well •
:

SCENE FIFTEEN •
ALISON Yes, sure, Yuk.
Mr K Follow'THE
:

me children
TELEPHONE BOOTH
ERICA I have to finish writing it this afternoon. We'll
rehearse again tomorrow morning.
walks the peels off
I
Lvica
upstage
I
to
sign ,

(1H, KIDS exit,) and to

the phone
goes (ERICA goes to the phone and dials, HER MOTHER'S voice
<

Is heard ... )

MUM Hello?

ERICA Mum? I have to rush. I'm on my way to

rehearsal. I've got the main part in the play.

MUM Really, love?

ERICA I'm the hospital matron.

MUM Oh, that's wonderful, Erk! I can hardly wait to

come up and see you on Friday night. Just fancy,
playing the lead role!

[Miss B blows a whistle all ensemble sprint

,
on
ERICA Well, there's no-one else here who can act.

straight (iie]
into MUM Wonderful! Now, about \he matron's costume.
stage one
Lennie's got a mate whose daughter's a vet's
afternoon activity we will be
doing receptionist. I'm sure she's got a while dress.
Miss B
:

Now children for

todays Oh, I just feel so proud!
and that sport will be ensemble lean in] after heavy
sport ,

students [stare at girls they ERICA Ifs nothing, Mum. See you Friday.
from certain
and ,

campaigning nagging
(She hangs up. MISS BeLMONJ enters.)
giggle] ...
Netball
MISS Erica Yurken, you're late for sport. Get into line
BELMONT al once.
[GROANS+ CHEERS FROM STUDENTS]
85
be I hear BEN JAMES
Miss B That better not a
groan
..

:
,

Ben :

Certainly not Miss Belmont

 ERICA Miss Belmont, can I be excused from sport? I BARRY But you're hopeless.
come out in eczema if I touch a netball.
ERICA Hopeless?
MISS
Go!
BELMONT BARRY You'll never be an actress. We all saw you. As
(M1SS SIELMONT exits .. ER!C:A runs off and meets BARRY soon as you had to act with people looking at
HOLLIS,) you, you got so scared you couldn't say a word.
Like I said, you're hopeless at acting.
BARRY You going lo sport?
(BARRY exits. ERICA suffers. ALISON enters, carrying a
ERICA Of course not. I'm much too busy writing the white apron.)
play.
ERICA What are you staring at, Alison Ashley?
BARRY You ought to write a play about me.
ALISON I've made the matron's apron for you, Yuk.
ERICA Why?
EIIICA Better try ii on and see if it fits you.
BARRY 'My whole life would make a great play. Once I
lived in a charity clothes-bin for a week. ALISON What for?

ERICA Sure. Your life would make a great play. For ERICA I ... I won't have time to act in the play on
"
people training to be convicts. Drama Night. I'll be too busy.

BARRY I didn't have a shower for ten days. (e•1cA stalks off.)

ERICA So? ALISON Oh! All right, Yuk.

BARRY I thought you'd be grateful, getting my idea. I'll (Very excited about getting the role, ALISON runs
only charge you a dollar for ii. to the phone and dials, \ ALISON'S MOTHER'S voice Is
heard ... )
ERICA Get lost.
MOTHER Hello? Jennifer Ashley.
BAllRY Interest fifty cents if you don't pay up on
Wednesday. Worth a lot to a writer, especially ALISON Hello, Mummy, I didn't mean to disturb you,
with the WGA strikes going on. but it's about the Drama Night.
ERICA I'm not usually a writer. I'm only doing this as a MOTHER Oh, I'm sorry, Alison, I'm going to have to work
favour since everyone else is so stupid. I'm on Friday.
really going to be an actress.
86 87
ALISON But Mummy, you promised you'd comel thirty cents? I have to make an emergency
phone call and a magpie just swooped down and
(e•1cA sneaks back towards the phone to stole my purse.
eavesdrop.)
(But ALISON just runs off. MARGEART enters, rehearsing
MOTHER I know Alison, but it's going to be such a busy lines.)
night al the restaurant.
MARGEART I am very sick, Nurse Jackson. I am very sick,
ALISON You needn't stay for supper afterwards, just for Nurse Jackson.
the play.
(emCA picks up two burnt sticks from the ground.)
MOTHER Alison ...
ERICA Hey, Margeart?
ALISON It's only short. All the other parents are coming.
MARGEART Hello, Yuk.
MOTHER All the other parents don't have busy restau­
rants to run. ERICA You want to see what I just found?

ALISON Can't you get someone to fill in for you? MARGEART What?

MOTHER Alison, this is all totally unreasonable. You know ERICA You promise not to tell anyone?
I have a very important job and I simply don't
have time to rush off to a little school concert. MARGEART Why?

ALISON Oh, that's what you always say! Please! ERICA Just promise.

MOTHER Alison! MARGEART All right. (,a1cA shows her the sticks.) Gosh! (Then
puzzled) What are they?
I
ALISON Sorry, Mummy.
ERICA They're real fire magic fairy firesticks. See the
MOTHER Goodbye, darling. burnt ends?

(AllSON hangs up. AllSON leaves the phone. close to MARGEART Goshi Where did you find them, Yuk?
tears. ERICA comes up to her.)
ERICA Um, quite close to the barbeque ar.ea.
ERICA Alison ... (Perhaps she Is about to comment on
AllSON'S surprising show of emotion, but at the last MARGEART Gosh I Can I see them?
minute she changes it to ... ) Can you lend me

88 89
coins .

Ell!CA No, you might break them. ERICA What I phoned to tell you was, I just heard the
road to the camp's been blocked by a landslide
MARGEART I won't. and the bulldozers won't get it clear till after
' Drama Night.
(Pause)
MUM Nonsense, Erk You don't think we'd let a little
ERICA I'll sell them to you if you like. thing like a landslide slop us coming to see you
act in a play.
MARGEART How much?
ERICA But Miss Belmont doesn't want the camp lit­
ERICA Thirty cents. tered up with parents on Drama Night.
(MARG,ART takes out the money. The sticks are MUM Oh, Erk! They like !he parents lo take an
exchanged.) interest.

MARGEART Gosh! ERICA Some kids' parents aren't coming, I don't think
Alison Ashley's mother will.
(MARGEART exits. m1cA goes to the phone and dials.
MUM'S voice Is heard ... ) MUM That's terrible!

MUM Hello? ERICA She has to work or something.

ERICA Hello, Mum? MUM Well, we'll be there hail, rain or shine, don't yon
worry. Lennie even got his shift changed
MUM Erk, love, I'm glad you rang. I've been thinking specially.
about that matron's costume ...
ERICA Did he?
ERICA Mum ...
I
MUM Yon bet he did. He wouldn't miss out on your
MUM I can make a hat out of serviettes ... concert for anything.

ERICA Mum ... ERICA Mum, I might not be in the play. I've got this
really bad sore throat.
MUM ... from the Pizza Hut.
MUM I've got lo go, Erk. Our cat's just b a,lled up next
EIIICA MUMI door's German Shepherd. See yon tomorrow
night, love.
MUM Don't shout, dear.

90 91
 ! Let lets
Backstage Alright Possums
your up go ,
go
.

manager
:

[possum activity group walks off excited)

now?
SKYLAR OMG is she
actually crying right
:

,
REECE : Yeah , where is
everything
 Koalas I'll need
you getting !! ready
now
DS Manager Alrightwe're
.

excited
smiles everyone ,
were
happy

it won't be that bad

OSCAR :
Come on
Margeant ,

All girls
>?
⑤
!°=°

UGH , You guys are no fun

REECE :

Reece SWEET!
:

su
HAYDEN Not this
again
:

Quinn:
Come on ,
lets
go

SKYLAR :
On remember ,
shes got stage fright
;ii

I I
(ERICA and ALISON start to go, then turn back to look
at each other.)
• SCENE NINETEEN •
<
ERICA Good luck, Alison Ashley. THE PLAY

ALISON Thanks.

(ALISON exits, ERICA looks proudly at her book, then

puts on her dark glasses and exits too.) (ALISON walks on stage in front of the house curtain.)

MC Ladies and gentlemen, !he Kangas present

Barringa East Hospital, a play written especially
for Drama Night by Erica Yurken. Scene One -
in Barringa East Hospital.

(She exits through the curtain. it jerks open to

reveal the hospital ward. MARGEAR1 a patient, lies in
one bed, with a second (ernpty) bed beside her. At
the foot of each bed Is a medical card. DIANE,
wearing enormous balloon boobs, enters as NURSE
JACKSON. The acting is very stilled.)

DIANE Good afternoon, Mrs Higginbotham. How are

you feeling today?

MARGEART I am very sick, Nurse Jackson.

I
(DIANE points lo the medical card at the foot of the
bed,)

DIANE I see from your hospital card that you are

suffering from , , . (Big breath) hiatus hernia
arthritis diabetes and bee-sting allerii;y.

MARGEART Yes, and what is more, I think my baby is going

to be born at any minute.

101
 DIANE Your baby is going to be born at any minute? Let (She exits. The curtain opens again. The scene Is
me see. (MARGEARI gels out of bed and with some unchanged, with MARGEAITT still In bed, BARRY enters
embarrassment shows o huge pregnant stomach.) I wear-ing a Richmond scarf and watching an
do believe you are right, Mrs Higginbotham. I '
AFL game on his phone.)
must call matron immediately. And can I ring
your husband too?
BARRY Yellow and black! Oh we're from Tigerland!
MAIIGEART Yes. He is at the football match, C'mon, Dusty, tackle him! Bring him down,
watching the Tigers. that's the stuff.
QUINN- Nurse Richardson (He tackles a bed.)
DIANE Then I shallSet
ring him at the ground. We can not
have him missing the baby being born. MARGEART Get up, darling, the baby is just about to be
born.
MARGEART By the way, Nurse Jackson, where is that nice
Mr Belmont who was in that bed yesterday? BARRY Baby? What baby?

DIANE I'm afraid that nice Mr Belmont died last night. MARGEART Our baby.

MARGEART Oh, how sad. BARRY You mean to say you brought me all the way
from the football just lo watch a baby being
DIANE Yes, but he was suffering so much it was really a born?
merciful release. (She takes the medical card from
the foot of his bed.) He had suspected hypersen­ MARGEART It is an emergency!
sitivity to (Big breath) wallle pollen horsehair
dust mite clover and Clag glue. And he was BARRY They told me it was an emergency!
covered all over in eczema from a lifetime of
touching netballs. (MARGEARI hos given her line too early, but now
repeats It.)
MARGEART How sad. Well, good-bye, Nurse Jackson.
MARGEART It is an emergency.
DIANE Good-bye Mrs Higginbotham.
BARRY And what about the Tigers? The match of the day is
(DIANE exits. The curtain is drawn. AUSON steps through on.
the curtain.)
(ALISON, as the matron, enters with DIAf'JIE the nurse.
MC Scene Two. In Barringa East Hospital, half an ALISON roars, Belmont-style ... )
hour later.
ALISON Do you mind! I'm here to make my ward

102 103
 inspection. Nurse Jackson, what is this patient score, would you?
doing on the floor? How dare you leave patients
lying around untidily like that during visiting ALISON Certainly nol. Now, Nurse Jackson, hold this
hours! Kindly put him back into bed this minute! patient down while I give him an injection.

DIANE But matron, he's not a patient. BARRY But I'm not a patient! I'm a visitor!

ALISON I'm going to count to one,.Nurse Jackson, and if ALISON Absolute nonsense! I've been matron of this
he's not in bed by then there's going to be a hole hospital for twenty years and I should think I
in that window your size and shape in the next know a patient when I • see one. You are very'
three seconds! very sick.

DIANE Very good, matron. (To BARRY) Upsadaisy! BARRY But I feel fine.

(She puts him into bed.) (ALISON inspects the medical card.)

BARRY And Dusty;s there! He goes for the mark! He's ALISON Mr Belmont ...
got it! (Barry jumps on Diane to go for the mark)
BARRY My name is Mr Higginbotham .
DIANE Ge! your hands off me, you brute!
ALISON Mr Belmont! You may feel fine, but you are
(In the ensuing tussle one of DIANE'S boobs bursts.) suffering from an advanced case of hypersen­
sitivity to wattle pollen, horsehair, dust mite,
BARRY Sorry. clover and Clag glue. And you have the worst
case of netball-induced eczema I have ever
(DIANE panics. This was not In the script. She grabs a seen. I'm afraid we'll have to operate
grapefruit from beside MARGEART'S bed and stuffs it immediately.
down her dress.)
BARRY Operate?
MARGEART Hey, Diane, I'm supposed to eat that!
DIANE Operate, matron? But that is the doctor's job.
(A moment of confusion. then ALISON saves the
situation.) ALISON This is a matter oflife and death, Nurse Jackson.

ALISON I'm sorry, Mrs Higginbotham. Patients are not BARRY (To DIANE) What time do you get off w\irk, cutie?
allowed lo eat before serious operations.
ALISON I think he needs an injection with our biggest
BARRY You wouldn't happen lo know the football needle.

104 105
 HAYDE
-
DIAN It will be a pleasur e, atro n.
(DI A N E la es o hu e
E M
k

syringe. ) Be brav e, Mr Belmont! Thi w on 't hur

I g
AL ISO N We're very busy pe
ople. Just lake a pil
↓
s t l and t
-muc n o t to worry. (Some hesi ry
->h! SKYLAR tation, then the curtai n
r
d awn. ALISON steps hro gh I
s
t u it.) Barringa East
Hospi­
BARR No, no, you can't do this me t a l, Scene Three
Y
o
l . In the operating theatr
t (S c reams from BA RY a e.
R b ckstage. ALISON ste
ps boc
(They grapp e f r the neede bu t IA ' through the curta n os It k
l 1 opens. MARG!ART'S bed
1
o l . rs s D NE S i ha s
remainin inflatable s gone. A screen has been se
.) t up around BARRr
g
s be
and th e operation can take d
n pa l ce as a s h
a d wo s n wo
DIAN Now look what you've don o a sheet.) Nur
E e! s eJac son
k ?
, n
(DIANE grabs MARGEARl'S se con grap fr s
d
e u it .
) DIANE Ye matro ?

Han b m o
MARGEAR
T
Diane ON
AL IS d me the ig kni fe. I' g i g
n o cul hi m
l t
e.
op n
(But DIANE s gett in the Idea of ad libbing.
i
g
)
,)
(OA RY sit s u p
DIANE • This is an emergen cy, Mrs Higg inb th
m,
o a
Y Cu me op n
BAllll t e ?
(ALISON creeps u behind BA and hils him o th
e
p RY
R n Nurse Jack
hea d with a mallet. A LI
S NO
) so ,n give t he pati n o
n h o e
e t s m m re
a aest et .ic
ALISON Got you! You horrible littl man
e !
(DIANE, struggling wtth
the
a e rui :t hi st
gr p on
BARR Ohhhh e
f BARRY
Y th eh ad w it hthe mallet.)
:

!
DIANE It will be
hh
my pleasure
l
h
(BA•"" collopseson the bed In a sp f t. B R
AR Y h
c O
acu ar ain )
e t l

ALISON Now, Nurse Jackson pu th scr e ar u th

, e (BAR RY fa lls nconsc o u
i s agp; .)n
d
t e e n o n u
bed and we can start the o eratio n
.
p Nurse Jackson, the
ALIS NO knife. (DIANE hands ove
r a
MARGEART What about m baby? butcher's knife. In shadow sho
y w, }t\LISON cu ts BARRY open.)
Oh, deary, deary me
, Nurse Jackson. No
wonder
ALISON Mrs Higginbotham can 't do ev r y little j b this patient is so sick! We
, we o got lo him just in time.
e
al once. Your baby will just ha ve to w it, (S he pu ls out a succession
l of revolting objects. The
a n
she p u s out a heart .) Uh- h!
ll
o Better put .that back
MARGEART But . . again, (She replaces It.)
. ch wi g s fo d
A
roperl !nd he hasn't bee n
e n
hi o p y

106 10 7
 (She pulls out a lot of unmastlcated food, finishing scarf around the infant's neck.) Ready for the
with a string of sausages and a bottle of beer. game?
MARGEART enters.)

DIANE Mr Belmont, bring that baby back! [AlI nurses stand

MAllGEART Matron ... DIANE :
Well what are
you waiting for go
..
!!
Still]
ALISON Mr Belmont!
ALISON Mrs Higginbotham, get back into bed
immediately! MARGEAIIT I feel quite faint!
MARGEAIIT I am going to have a baby. (A chase follows as MAR_GEARY, ALISON an� DIANE pursue
BARRY around the room.)
ALISON I haven't got lime for that yet, Mrs
Higginbotham. I'm doing a very important BARIIY Come on, son, if we hurry we'll catch the
operation. second half. Go TIges!
(She gestures to MARG<ART to get back Into bed. Her (BARRY exits with Jhe baby, They chose him off.
appearance Is apparently too early.) Curtain. The cost come out and bow.)
MARGEART I am going to have a baby. Now. ALISON Author!

ALISON Sew him up, Nurse Jackson, The operation is (ERICA comes through the audience. climbs on
over. stage and takes a bashful bow. DIANE'S grapefruit
make a final bid for freedom. DIANE makes an official
(MARGEART delivers a doll from under her costume.) speech.)
MARGEART I've had my baby - look! It's a boy! MC On behalf of grade six I'd like to thank the
-Reece
(She displays it, but the pillow is also still In place
and has lo be disposed of by DIANE. BARRY staggers to
parents for coming to see our Drama Night, and
I'd like lo thank the kiti,hen staff for cooking all
the delicious meals and I'd like to thank the
CONGRATULATIONS !
his feet, shirt open, covered in blood.) teachers for giving up their valuable time.
SKYLAR :

QUINN : Let us help you !

BARRY Let me see. (DIANE leads applause. then all exit through the
curtain.)
ALISON Wait, Mr Belmont, we haven't sewn you up yet!

BARRY But I want to see my baby. (He takes it.) How're

yer going, footy star? (He wraps his Richmond

108
 that down this minute !
Put baby
!
margret my baby
baby margret
.

Oscar
:

Its not actually your

-
- -
Margret Oh ok
:

Alright Year 6 great job

,
,
now
go off and see
your families
- R+H thanks dude
:

,
line

S+ Q That was kinda

actually really good You
hang with
:
-
,
. can come us

at
chaddy next week if
you want?

B -
maybe your
not so hopeless
fun , thanks
-> I had so much

what all the stress about

- D -> Not sure
was

-
RSPCA
-