Gasonga More Jokes : Part 3

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Gasonga
More Jokes : Part 3

Version: 1/00

Version date: Nov 2002

Collated by: http://Gasonga.com/

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Gasonga More Jokes : Part 3
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Bestsellers for Knock Knock Jokes from Amazon.com

1000 Knock Knock Jokes for Kids

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Old Turtle's 90 Knock-Knocks, Jokes, and Riddles : Jokes and Riddles
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We all know about smiles ☺ the little text graphics. You might know
have seen the ASCII Ass graphics guide.

ASCII Text Meaning

(_!_) A regular ass

(__!__) A fat ass

(!) A tight ass

(_x_) Kiss my ass

(_zzz_) A tired ass

(_o^^o_) A wise ass

(_E=mc^2_) A smart ass

(_?_) A dumb Ass

Hey, I've started a new exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups every morning.

That may not sound like a lot, but a girl can only hit that snooze button so
many times!

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Kiss me Doctor…

A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts "Oh Doctor, kiss
me!"
The Doctor looks at her and says, "Madam, It's against the code of
ethics for me to kiss you."
About 5 minutes the woman asks again, "Oh Doctor, please kiss me!"
Again he refuses and says "Madam, as a doctor I simply cannot kiss you."
Finally, after another 5 minutes the woman pleads, "Oh Doctor, please
kiss me!"
"Now look" he says, "I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably
shouldn't even be screwing you."

What's the difference between a neurotic and a psychotic?

A psychotic thinks, "Two plus two is five."
A neurotic thinks, "Two plus two is four, and I can't stand it."

A guy is opening a bottle of sparkling wine when the cork slips through his
fingers and smacks his straight in the eye. He lets out a loud shriek.
Nodding at the bottle a friend asks, “Champagne?”
The guy replies, “No. That really hurt!”

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

A: He stayed awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

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Ollie and Sam Clam

Ollie and Sam Clam are life long friends. Unfortunately, Ollie passes away
and goes to heaven. After several months Ollie is missing his old pal Sam
Clam and becomes depressed. He’s so depressed he asks St. Peter if he
could go down to earth and visit Sam Clam.
“I’ll grant you your wish if you promise to keep your harp you at all times,”
replies St. Peter. “You’ll need the harp so that you can re-enter through
the gates of heaven by strumming on it. You must also promise to be back
by midnight!” Ollie agrees and goes on his way to visit his to Sam Clam.
When Ollie arrives on earth he discovers that Sam Clam has bought a
Disco. He enters the Disco and is having so much fun with Sam that time
slips by quickly. When he hears the clock chiming mid-night he hurries
back to heaven as promised.
The next morning St. Peter finds Ollie sitting outside the gates weeping.
St. Peter asks “Why haven’t you strummed your harp to enter the gates
like I told you?”
Ollie replies, "I’ve left my harp in Sam Clams Disco”

Take me apart

A young boy asks his mother, "Mum, is it true that people can be taken
apart like machines?"
"Of course not!” Replies his mum “Where did you hear that nonsense?"
The young boy answers, "The other day, Dad was talking to someone on
the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

Does my bum look big in this?

A woman gained a few pounds and it was most noticeable to her when she
squeezed into a pair of blue jeans.
Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to anyone else, she asked
her husband, "Do these jeans make my bum look like the back end of a
London bus?"
"Of course not!" he replied, "London buses are red."

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Q: If a woman comes into the living room to yell at her husband, what has
he done wrong?
A: Made the chain to the cooker too long.

Adam and Eve

One day God and Adam are walking in the Garden of Eden when Adam
asks,
"God, why did you make Eve so sexy?"
"Well, Adam" says God "because I wanted you to love her."
Adam thinks about this for a bit and asks another question.
"But why did you make her so stupid?"
"Well, Adam" says God "because I wanted her to love you too."

Who wears the pants?

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sits him down for a
little fireside chat. He says, "Jack, let me tell you something. On my
wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed
them to your mother, and said, here try these on. So, she did and said,
‘These are too big, I can't wear them.’ So I replied, ‘Exactly. I wear the
pants in this family and I always will.’ Ever since that night we have never
had a single problem."
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on
his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these
on."
So she does and says, "These are far too large, they don't fit me." So
Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and
I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here you
try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants."
So Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never
will!"

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Lights out Lust

A married couple had been together for 20 years. Every time they made
love the husband always switched the lights off before starting. Well,
after 20 years the wife started to feel that this was a bit ridiculous and
so she decided she would break him of the crazy habit.
So one night, while they are in the middle of a wild, torrid, passionately
sweaty session, she quickly turns the lights on. She looks down and sees
her husband holding a battery-operated vibrator! It’s soft, wonderful and
larger than a life. She goes completely ballistic. "You bastard," she
screams. "How could you lie to me all these years? You’d better explain
yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says,
"Sure I'll explain the vibrator, then can you explain the kids!"

What of a place is this?

A guy is out walking one day, when he comes across a big house in a nice
neighbourhood. Suddenly, he realised that there’s a couple making love on
the lawn! Then he notices another couple at it behind a tree and yet
another couple behind some bushes. He walks up to the door of the house
and knocks. A well-dressed woman answers the door. “What kind of a
place is this?” asks the guy.
"This is a brothel", replies the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queries the man.
"Oh” replies the madam, “We're having a yard sale!"

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Caught out?

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of
golf. Suddenly he realizes that he’s forgot to tell his wife that the
washing machine repairman is coming around at noon. So John heads back
to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred,
honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs
and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred
that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the
phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she
tripped over the rug and fell out the front window and now she's dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the
back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last
week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the
swimming pool and he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

Q. What time is it when an elephants sits on your fence?

A. Time to increase your anti - psychotic medication!

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How to shower like a man

Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in pile on floor.
Walk naked to bathroom.
If wife seen, shake knob at her making "Woo" sound.
Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs
(no).
Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers for one
last whiff.
Get in shower.
Don't bother to look for washcloth - don't use one.
Wash face
Wash armpits
Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash privates and the surrounding area
Wash butt, leaving hair on soap
Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner
Make shampoo Mohican. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror
Pee (in shower)
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for
whole shower time.
Partially dry off
Look at self in mirror again, flex muscles and admire size of knob (again)
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor
Leave bathroom light and fan on
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off
towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.
Put on yesterdays clothes.

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How to shower like a woman

Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry basket according to

lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If husband seen along the way cover any exposed flesh and rush to the
bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly.
Complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower.
Look for facecloth, arm cloth, loincloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
Condition hair with cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner with enhanced
natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red
raw.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that
it's all come off.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and
turns red hot.
Turn off shower.
Clean all wet shower surfaces.
Spray mould spots with flash bathroom spray.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of spots.
Attack with nails or tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If husband seen, cover any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to
spend half an hour getting dressed.

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Stuck in the middle

A salesman rings the doorbell and little Johnny answers. The salesman
asks, “Is your father was at home?”
"Yes." Says Johnny.
"Well, can I see him please?"
Johnny sniggers and says, "No, he is in the shower."
“Is your mother at home?” asks the salesman.
"Yes." Says Johnny.
"Well, can I see her please?"
Johnny sniggers again and says, "No, she's in the shower too."
The salesman then asks, "Do you think they will be out soon?"
Johnny laughs this time and says "No."
"Why is that?" asks the Salesman.
"Well", says Johnny, "When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him
a tube of Super Glue."

The Office Christmas party

After the office Christmas party, Sue woke up with a pounding headache
and was utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom she was able to make her way downstairs,
where flat mate put some coffee in front of her.
"Jane," she moaned, "Tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I
think?"
"Even worse," Jane assured her. "You made a complete ass of yourself.
Upset all the entire senior management and insulted the Regional
Director."
" The Regional Director is an asshole."
"Yep that’s what you told him," Jane informed her. "And so he fired you."
"O, Well, screw him!" yelled Sue.
"Yea you did that as well, so you're back at work on Monday!"

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Where’s the baby?

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby.

So, all her relatives come around to visit and meet the newest member of
their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year-old mother says
"Not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother
says "Not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the
mother says, "When the baby cries."
"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother replies,
"Because then I’ll know where I put it."

Lousy lover

A guy calls up his lawyer and says, "I want to start divorce proceedings."
“What are the grounds for the suit?” inquires the lawyer.
"I've got grounds, all right," sputters the irate husband.
"Can you believe my wife’s told me I'm a lousy lover?"
"That's why you're suing?" pursues his lawyer.
"Of course not!” says the guy, “I'm suing because she knows the
difference."

The argument

A married couple are arguing as they drive along a country lane.

As they pass a field with some mules in it the husband sarcastically
inquires,
"Some of your relatives?"
The wife replies "Yes, by marriage!"

Does my bum look big in this?

A new study about women has some very thought provoking results …

85% of women think their ass is too big!

10% of women think their ass is too small!
5% Say that they don't care, they love him and would have
married him anyway.

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Wondering star

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an
examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is
pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that
her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation
by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window!
Are you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention. It's just that the last time this
happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men appeared!”

Need a leg up?

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a

tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped, and it became
her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow
her leg to come up to the height of the first bus step. Slightly
embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough
slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that
she couldn't. So, becoming more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted the step. Once again, much to her annoyance, she could not
raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

After seeing her predicament a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan
smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but
after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured we was friends."

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Two blondes walked into London’s Nat-West tower.

It’s so big you'd have thought they'd have seen it really!

An IT cynics guide to job adverts

Term What it really means

Apply in person If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the
position has been filled.

No phone calls please We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just
a legal formality.

We are seeking You'll need it to replace three people that just

candidates with a wide left because its so crap here.
variety of experience
Problem solving skills a You're walking into a company in Perpetual chaos.
must
Requires team You'll have the responsibilities of a manager,
leadership skills without the pay or respect.

Good communication Management communicates, you listen then and

skills required try and figure out what they want and do it.

Competitive salary We remain competitive by paying less than our

competitors.

Join our fast-paced We have no time to train you, and will expect you
company to take no holidays.

Casual work We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress

atmosphere up.

Must be deadline You'll be six months behind schedule on your

oriented first day and totally under the cosh!

Some overtime Some time each night and some time each
required Weekend.
Got a social life? Go work somewhere else!

Duties will vary Anyone in the office can boss you around.

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Must have an eye for We have no quality control. The system is full of
detail bugs that you’ll be fixing and get the blame for.

Must be Career- Female applicants must be childless and remain

minded that way.

Sexual obsession

A guy goes to see a Psychologist and says, "Doc, I’ve got a really big
problem. I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Doc says, "Well let's me see what we can find out", and pulls out
some inkblots. "What do you make of this?" asks the Doc. The man turns
the picture upside down and says, "I see a man and a woman on a bed
making love."
“Very interesting," says the Doc as he hands the guy another inkblot.
"And what is this a picture of?"
The guy turns the picture in different directions and says, "That's a man
and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with a third inkblot and asks the same
question, "What is this a picture of?"
The guy turns it in all sorts of directions and then replies, "That's a man
and a woman on a bed making love."
“Hum”, says the Psychologist, "Well, you certainly do seem to be obsessed
with sex."
"Me?" shouts the patient. "You're the one with all the dirty pictures!"

There are three types of people in the world.

Those that can count, and those that can't!

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Drinking and Gambling

A tramp asks a guy for some change for a cup of tea.

The guy asks, “Will you spent it on booze?”
“Nope.” Says the Tramp.
“Will you gamble it away?”
“Nope.” Says the Tramp.
“Ok then” says the guy, “Here’s ten pounds, but you’ve got to come home
with me to show the wife what happens to a guy’s that don’t drink and
gamble!”

Mental Hospital

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved
another from an attempted suicide the director decided to review the
rescuer's case. After calling the patent into his office the director says,
"Mr. James, this heroic act of behaviour suggests to me that you're
ready to go home. Pulling that man out of the bathtub was truly a great
act of compassion. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed
himself with a rope around his neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

I know your secret!

At school Little Johnny is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding
at least one dark secret, and that the secret makes it very easy to
blackmail them by saying, "I know your secret."
After school little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. His mother
greets him and he says, "I know your secret!" His mother quickly hands
him a 20-pound note and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased he waits for his father to get home from work. He greets
him with, "I know your secret." Johnny's father promptly hands him a 20-
pound note and says,
"Just don’t tell your mother!"
The next day on his way to school, Johnny sees the mailman. Thinking he’ll
get some more cash he greets him with, "I know your secret!”
The mailman immediately drops his satchel, opens his arms and says,
"Then come give your daddy a big hug!"

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Two fleas

Two fleas have an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a

vacation. Last year when one flea got to Miami he was shivering and
shaking. His friend asks,
"Why are you shaking so badly?"
"I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a
Harley."
"That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey
airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice
stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cosy. Its
the best way to travel that I can think of!"
“Hum, that sounds like a good idea. I’ll give it a try next year.”
A year goes by.....
When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.
His friend says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the New
Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess
came in. I crawled right up her leg and found a warm cosy spot. It was so
nice and warm that I fell asleep.
The next thing I remember is waking up back in the moustache of a guy
on a Harley.

You were there to support me

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she has stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,
when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I
got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you
were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you stayed right with me. When my health started failing, you
were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began filling with
warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."

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Girl talk

A group of wives are sitting in a bar, discussing their pet names for their
husbands
dicks.
“I call my old man's dick The Curtain,” laughed the first wife, “Because it
comes down at the end of each performance.”
“I call my old man's dick The Terrorist,” added the second wife, “Because
I
never know when it will attack.”
The third wife shrugs and says, “I call my old man's Dick The name I can’t
remember.”
“Why’s that?” the others ask.
“Oh because, its always on the tip of my tongue!”

The Pony

A Shetland pony walks into a fast food restaurant and waits in line. When
his turn finally comes, in a soft, raspy voice he says, "I'll have a
Hamburger and chips please." The server replies, "You'll have to speak up.
I can't hear you." The pony repeats his order the same soft, raspy voice.
"I'll have a Hamburger and chips please." The server frowns says, "I still
can't hear you. There are a lot of people waiting. You'll have to speak up."
The pony smiles understandingly and replies, "I'm sorry. Please excuse
me. I'm just a little hoarse."

The Frog

A real old timer is walking on the beach one day, when he hears a little
voice calling, "Hey Mister ... over here."
He looks around and sees a tiny frog under a palm tree. He picks it up and
it says, "Hey Mister ... if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess
and your wish will be my command! I’ll do anything. You know what I
mean!!"
He picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket, and starts to walk back toward
home.
The frog says, "Hey, what are you doing? Aren’t you going to kiss me?"
The old timer replies, "Nope ... at my age, a talking frog is worth a whole
lot more to me."

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You were warned!

A teacher finds one of her kindergarten students making faces at other

pupils in the
playground. So she takes him to one side to reprimand him. “Johnny” she
says, “When I was a child, I was told that if that I pulled ugly faces, it
would stick like that for ever. You should remember that!"
Stunned Johnny looked up at her and replied, "Well you can't say you
weren't warned!"

Bad cough

A woman goes to her see her Doctor and says, “Doc I’ve got a really bad
cough can you prescribe something for it?”
“Sure”, says the Doc, “Go home and eat a whole box of laxatives. When
you wake up tomorrow I guarantee you won’t dare cough!”

Kiss-Kiss

A rich blond guy goes to the swimming pool to meet his girlfriend. When
he arrives he finds his girlfriend in the arms in the arms of a lifeguard
and they are kissing.
The blond guy shouts “Hey, What you doing with my girlfriend?”
“I'm giving her artificial respiration!” replies the quick-witted lifeguard.
“Hum”, says the blond guy, “Well stop that and give her the real thing...I
can afford it!”

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The Italian Hero

An elderly Italian man goes to church to have his confession heard. He

says,
“Father, during WW2 a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked
me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replies, “That was a wonderful thing that you did. You have no
need to confess.”
“It's worse, Father.” Continued the man. “ I was weak and told her she
must repay me with her sexual favours.”
“You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the
Germans had found her. God, in his wisdom and mercy will balance the
good and the evil and judge you kindly. You are forgiven.”
“Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. Ah, I have one more
thing.”
“And what’s that my son,” asks the priest.
The old man replies, “Should I tell her the war is over?”

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Gasonga More Jokes : Part 3
___________________________________________________________________________________

An Intelligence Test

Here’s a quick intelligence test. Now NO cheating! I promise, there are

no tricks to the test.

Read this sentence:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-

SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Now count aloud the F's in the sentence.

Count them ONLY ONCE: Do not go back and count them a second time!

See below...

RESULTS:

There are six F's in the sentence. If you found two then you are an idiot.
One of average intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four
you're above average. If you got five, you can turn your nose at almost
anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius! There’s no catch! Most
people forget the OF’s. The human brain tends to see them as V's and not
F's. Pretty weird stuff, huh?

That’s the lot check http://www.gasonga.com/ for more!!

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