THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

(TO SAY NOTHING OF THE DOG.)

By JEROME K. JEROME,
Author of “Idle Ihoughis of an Idle Fellow,” etc., eUt.

A. L. BURT COMPANY,
PUBLISHERS, NEW YORK,
 PREFACE,

The chief beauty of this book lies not so much in

its literary style, or in the extent and usefulness of
the information it conveys, as in its simple truthful-
ness. Its pages form the record of events that
really happened. All that has been done is to color
them and, for this, no extra charge has been made.
;

George and Harris and Montmorency are not poetic

ideals, but things of flesh and blood —
especially
George, who weighs about twelve stone. Other
works may excel this in depth of thought and knowl-
edge of human nature other books may rival it in
;

originality and size but, for hopeless and incurable

;

veracity, nothing yet discovered can surpass it.

This, more than all its ottyer charms, will, it is felt,

make the volume precious in the eye of the earnest

reader, and will lend additional weight to the lesson
that the story teaches.

Loudon, August, 1880.

 THREE MEN IN A BOAT
(to say nothing of the dog).

CHAPTER I.

—
Three Invalids. Sufferings of George and Harris. —Avictim
to one hundred and seven fatal maladies. —Useful pre-
scriptions.— Cure for liver complaint in children.— We
—
agree that we are overworked, and need rest. A week
on the rolling deep ?— George suggests the Biver.— Mont-
—
morency lodges an objection. Original motion carried
by majority of three to one.*

—
There were four of us George, and William
Samuel Harris, and myself, and Montmorency. We
were sitting in my room, smoking and talking about
—
how bad we were bad from a medical point of
view I mean, of course.
We were all feeling seedy, and we were getting
quite nervous about it. Harris said he felt such
extraordinary fits of giddiness come over him at
times, feat he hardly knew what he was doing and ;
 ;

2 TBKEE MEN IN A BOAT.

then George said that he had fits of giddiness too,

and hardly knew what he was doing. With me, it
was my liver that was out of order. I knew it was
my liver that was out of order, because I had just
been reading a patent liver-pill circular, in which
were detailed the various symptoms by which a man
could tell when his liver was out of order. I had
them all.

It is a most extraordinary thing, but I never read

a patent medicine advertisement without being im-
pelled to the conclusion that I am suffering from the
particular disease therein dealt with in its most
virulent form. The diagnosis
seems in every case to corre-
spond exactly with all' the
sensations that I have ever
felt.

I remember going to the

British Museum one day to
read up the treatment for some
slight ailment of which I
had a touch — hay fever, I fancy it was. I got
down the book, and read all I came to read
and then, in an unthinking moment, I idly turned
the leaves, and began to indolently study diseases
generally. I forget which was the first distemper
I plunged into —some fearful, devastating scourge,
I know — and, before I had glanced half down the
list of “ premonitory symptoms,” it was borne in

upon me that I had fairly got it. „

I sat for awhile, frozen with horror ;
and then, in
 —

THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 8

the listlessness of despair, I again turned over the

pages. I came to typhoid fever read the symp-—
toms —discovered that I had typhoid fever, must
have had it for months —
without knowing it won- —
dered what else I had got turned up St. Vitus’
;

—
dance found, as I expected, that I had that too
began to get interested in my case, and. determined
to sift it to the bottom, and so started alphabetic-
ally —read up ague, and learned that I was sicken-
ing for and that the acute stage would commence
it,

in about another fortnight. Bright’s disease, I was

relieved to find, I had only in a modified form, and,
so far as that was concerned, I might live for years.
Cholera I had, with severe complications and ;

diphtheria I seemed to have been born with. I

plodded through the twenty-six
conscientiously
letters,, and the only malady I could conclude I had
not got was house-maid’s knee.
1 felt rather hurt about this at first ; it seemed
somehow to be a sort of slight. Why hadn’t I got
house-maid’s knee ? W hy tjiis invidious reservation ?

After awhile, however, less grasping feelings pre-

vailed. I reflected that I had every other known
malady in the pharmacology, and I gre w less selfish,
and determined to do without house-maid’s knee.
Gout, in its most malignant stage, it would appear,
had seized me without my being aware of it ; and
zymosis 1 had evidently been suffering with from
boyhood. There were no more diseases after
zymosig, so I concluded there was nothing else the
matter with me.
4 THREE MEN IN A BOAT,

I sat and pondered. I thought what an interesting

ease I must be from a medical point of view, what
an acquisition I should be to a class! Students
would have no need to “ walk the hospitals,” if they
had me. I was a hospital in myself. All they need
do would be to walk round me, and, after that, take
their diploma.
Then I wondered how long 1 had to live. I tried
to examine myself. I felt my pulse. I coaid not at
any pulse at all. Then, all of a sudden, it
first feel

seemed to start off. I pulled out my watch and

timed it. I made it a hundred and forty-seven to
the minute. I tried to feel my heart. I could not
feel my heart. It had stopped beating. I have
since been induced to come to the opinion that it

must have been there the time, and must have

all
been beating, but I cannot account for it. I patted
myself all over my front, from what I call my-waist
up to my head, and I went a bit round each side, and
a little way up the back. But I could not feel or
hear anything. I tried ^ to look at my tongue, I
•stuck it out as far as ever it would go, and shut one
eye, and tried to examine it with the other. I could
only see the tip, and the only thing that I could
gain from that was to feel more certain than before
that I had scarlet fever.
I had walked into that reading-room a happy,
r
healthy man. I crawled out a decrepit wreck.
went to my medical man. He is an old chum of
I
mine, and feels my pulse, and looks at my tongue,
and talks about the weather, all for nothing^ when I
,
 :

THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

fancy I’m ill ; so I thought I would do him a good

turn by going to him now. “ What a doctor wants,”
I said, “ is practice. He shall hare me. He will get.
more practice out of me than out of seventeen hun-
dred of your ordinary, commonplace patients, with
only one or two diseases each.” So I went straight
up and saw him, and he said :

“ Well, what’s the matter with yon ?”

I said
“ I will not take up your time, dear
boy, with telling you what is the mat-
ter with me. Life is brief, and you might
pass away
before I had finished. But I
will you what is not the matter
tell
with me. I have not got house-maid’s
knee. Why I have not got house-
maid’s knee, I cannot tell you but ;

the fact remains that I have not got

it. Everything else, however, I Time got.”'
And 1 told him how I came to discover it all.

Then he opened me and looked down me, and

clutched hold of my wrist, and then he hit me over
the chest when I wasn’t expecting it a cowardly —
—
thing to do, I call it and immediately afterward
butted me with the side of his head. After that, he
sat down and wrote out a presciption, and folded it
up and 'gave it me, and I put it in my pocket and
went out.
I did not open it. I took it to the nearest chemist’s,
and handed it in. The man read it, and then banded
it back.
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

He said he didn’t keep it.

I said:
“Yon are a chemist V*
He said
“lam a chemist. If I was a co-operative store
and family hotel combined, I might be able to oblige
yon. Being only a chemist hampers me”
I read the prescription. It ran :

“ 1 lb. beefsteak, with

1 pt. bitter beer
every 6 hoars.
1 ten-mile walk every morning.
1 bed at 11 sharp every night.

And don’t stuff up your head with things you don’t

understand.”
I followed the directions, with the happy result
speaking for myself —that my life was preserved, and
is still going on.

In the present instance, going back to the liver

had the .symptoms, beyond all mis-
pill circular, I

take, the chief among them being “a general

disinclination to work of anv kind.”
What I suffer in that way no tongue can tell.
From my earliest infancy I have been a martyr
to it. As a boy, the disease hardly ever left me
fora day. They did not know, then, that it was
my liver. Medical science was in a far less advanced
state than now, and they used to put it down to
laziness. B
“Why, you skulking little devil, you.” they
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 7

would say, “ get up and do something for your

living, can’t —
you ?” not knowing, of course, that I
was ill.
And they didn’t give me pills; they gave me
clumps on the side of the head. And, strange as it
may appear, those clumps on the head often cured
—
me for the time being. I have known one clump
on the head have more effect upon my liver, and
make me feel more anxious to go straight away
then and there, and do what was wanted to be done,
without further loss of time, than a whole box of
pills does now.
You know, it often is so—those simple, old-
fashioned remedies are sometimes more efficacious
than all the dispensary stuff.

We sat there for half an hour, describing to each

other our maladies. I explained to George and
William Harris how I felt when I got up in the
morning, and William Harris told us how he felt
when he went to bed and George stood on the
;

hearth-rug, and gave us a clever and powerful piece

of acting, illustrative of how he felt in the night.
George fancies he is ill ; but there’s never any-
thing really the matter with him, you know.
At this point Mrs. Poppets knocked at the door
to know if we were ready for supper. We smiled
sadly set one another, and said we supposed we had
better try to swallow a bit. Harris said a little
something in one’s stomach often kept the disease
in check and Mrs. Poppets brought the tray in,
;

and we drew up to the table, and toyed with a little

steak and onions, and some rhubarb tart.
8 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

I mast have been very weak at the time, because

I know, after the first half hour or so, I seemed to
—
take no interest whatever in my food an unusual
—
thing for me and I didn’t want any cheese.
This duty done, we refilled our glasses, lighted
our pipes, and resumed the discussion upon our state
of health. What it was that was actually the
matter with us, we none of us could be sure of; but
the unanimous opinion was that it— whatever it
—
was had been brought on by overwork.
“ What we want is rest,” said Harris.
“Rest and a complete change,” said George.
“ The overstrain upon our brains has produced a
general depression throughout the system. Change
of scene, and absence of the necessity for thought,
will restore the mental equilibrium.”
George has a who is usually described in
cousin,
the charge-sheet as a medical student, so that he
naturally has a somewhat family-physicianary way
of putting things.
I agreed with George," and suggested that we
should seek out some retired and old-world spot, far
from the madding crowd, and dream away a sunny
week among its drowsy lanes—some half-forgotten
nook, hidden away by the fairies, out of reach of
the noisy world— some qnaint-perched eyrie on the
of Time, from whence the surging waves of
cliffs

the nineteenth century would sound far off and

faint.
Harris said he thought it would be hump/. He
said he knew the sort of place I meant; where
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. #

everybody went to bed at eight o’clock, and yon

couldn’t get a “ Referee ” for love or money, and
bad to walk ten miles to get your baccy.
“ No,” said Harris, “if you want rest and change,
you can’t beat a sea trip.”
I objected to the sea trip strongly. A sea trip
does you good when you are going to have a couple
of months of it, but for a week, it is wicked.
You on Monday with the idea implanted in
start
your bosom that you are going to enjoy yourself.
You wave an airy adieu to the boys on shore, light
your biggest pipe, and swagger about the deck as
if you were Captain Cook, Sir Francis Drake, and

Christopher Columbus all rolled into one. On

Tuesday, you wish you hadn’t come. On Wednes-
day, Thursday, and Friday, you wish you were
dead." On Saturday, you are able to swallow a little
beef tea, and tosit up on deck and answer with a

wan, sweet smile when kind-hearted people ask you

how you feel now. On Sunday, you begin to -walk
about again, and take solid food. And on Monday
morning, as, with your bag and umbrella in your
hand, you stand by the gunwale, waiting to step
ashore, you begin to thoroughly like it.
I remember my brother-in-law going for a short

sea trip once, for the benefit of his health. He

took a return berth from London to Liverpool ; and
when he got to Liverpool the only thing he was
anxious about was to sell that return ticket.
It was offered round the town at a tremendous
reduction, so I am told; and was eventually sold
10 THREE MEN IN A BOaT.

for eighteen pence to a bilious-looking youth who

had been advised by his medical
just mento go to
the seaside and take exercise.
“Seaside!” said my brother-in-law, pressing the
ticket affectionately into his hand; “why you’ll
haVe enough to last you a lifetime and as for exer-
;

cise why, you’ll get more exercise, sitting down

!

on that ship, than you would turning somersaults on

dry land.”
He himself —my brother-in-law —came back by
train. He said the Northwestern Hail way was
healthy enough for him.
Another fellow I knew went for a week’s
voyage round the coast, and before they started,
the steward came to him to ask whether he would
pay for each meal as he had it, or arrange before-
hand for the whole series.
The steward recommended the latter course, as it
would come so much cheaper. He said they would
do him for the whole week at two pounds five. He
said for breakfast there would be fish, followed by
a grill. Lunch was at one, and consisted of four
courses. Dinner at six—soup, fish, entree, joint,
poultry, salad, sweets, cheese, and dessert. And a
light meat supper at ten.
My friend thought he would close on the two-
pound-five job (he is a hearty eater), and did so.
Lunch came just as they were off Sheerness. He
didn’t feel so hungry as he thought he should, and
so contented himself with a bit of boiled beef and
some strawberries and cream. He pondered a good
 :

THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 11

deal during the afternoon, and at one time it seemed

to him that he had been eating nothing but boiled
beef for weeks, and at other times it seemed that
he must have been living on straw berries and cream
for years.
Neither the beef nor the strawberries and cream
—
seemed happy, either seemed discontented like.
At sis, they came and told him dinner was ready*
The announcement aroused no enthusiasm within
him, but he felt that there was some of that two-
pound-five to be worked off, and he held on to ropes
and things and went down, A pleasant odor of
onions and hot ,ham, mingled with fried fish and
greens greeted him at the
bottom of the ladder and ;

then the steward came up

with an oily smile, and said
“ What can I get you, sir ?”
“Get me out of this,” was
the feeble reply.
And they ran him up quick,
and propped him over to lee-
ward and left him.
For the nest four days he
lived a simple and blameless
life on thin captain’s biscuits (I
mean that the biscuitswere
thin, not the captain) and soda water ; but toward
Saturday he got uppish and went in for weak tea
and dry toast, and on Monday he was gorging him-
self on chicken broth. He left the ship on Tuesday,
It THREE MEN IN A BOA T,

and as it steamed away from the landing stage, he

gazed after it regretfully.

“There she goes,” he said, “there she goes, with
two pounds’ worth of food on board that belongs to
me, and that I haven’t had.”
He said that if they had given him another day
he thought he could have put it straight.

So my face against
I set the sea trip. Not, as I
explained, upon my own account. I was never
queer. But I was afraid for George. George said
he should be all right, and would rather like it, but
he would advise Harris and me not to think of it, as
he felt sure we should both be ill. Harris said that,
to himself, it was always a mystery how people
—
managed to get sick at sea said he thought people
—
must do it on purpose, from affectation said he had
often wished to be, but had never been able.
Then he told us anecdotes of how he had gone
across the Channel when it was so rough that the
passengers had to be tied into their berths, and he
and the captain were the only two living souls on
board who were not ill. Sometimes it was he and
the second mate who were not ill; but it was
generally he and one other man. If not he and
another man, then it was he by himself.
It is a curious fact, but nobody ever is Seasick-
on land. At sea you come across plenty of people
very bad indeed, whole boat-loads of them ; but 1
never met a man yet, on land, who had ever known
at all what it was to be seasick. Where the
 :

TER KB MEN IN A BOAT. 13

thousands upon thousands of bad sailors that

swann
when, they are on
in every ship hide themselves
land is a mystery.
I saw on the
If most men were like a fellow
Yarmouth boat one day, I could account for the
seeming enigma easily enough. It was
just off
out
Southend Pier, I recollect, and he was leaning
the portholes in a very dangerous
through one of
I went up to him to try and save
him.
position.
« Hi ! come further in,” I said, shaking him by the
shoulder. “ You’ll be overboard.”
V « Oh, mv ! I wish I was,” was the only answer a
could get ; and here I had to leave him.
Three weeks afterward I met him in the
coffee-
about his voyages,
room of a Bath hotel, talking
and explaining, with enthusiasm, how he
loved the

sea. "
,

“Good sailor!” he replied, in answer to a mild

did feel a
young man’s envious query; “well, I
little queer once, I confess.
It was off Cape Horn.

The vessel was wrecked the next morning.”

I said
“ W eren’t you a little shaky by Southend Pier
overboard ?”
one day, and wanted to be thrown
“ Southend Pier!” he replied, with a puzzled ex-
pression. , .,
“ Yes 1
going down to Yarmouth, last
,
Inday
*’

three weeks.” r . „
* « Oh, he answered, brightening up ; 1
ah—yes,”
after
remember now. I did have a headache that
know. They were
noon. It was the pickles, you
 : ;

n THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

the most disgraceful pickles I ever tasted in a

respectable boat. Did you have any ?”

For myself, 1 have discovered an excellent pre-

ventive against seasickness, in balancing myself,
Y ou stand in the center of the deck, and as the ship
heaves and pitches, you move your body about, so
as to keep always straight. When the front
it

of the ship you lean forward, till the deck

rises,

almost touches your nose and when its back end

;

gets up, you lean backward. This is all very well

for an hour or two ; but you can’t balance yourself
for a week.

George said
“ Let’s go up the river.”
He we should have fresh air, exercise and
said
quiet the constant change of scene would occupy
;

our minds (including what there was of Harris’ )

and the hard work would give us a good appetite,
and make us sleep well.
Harris said he didn’t think George ought to do
anything that would have a tendency to make him
sleepier than he always was, as it might be danger-
ous. Hesaid he didn’t very well understand how
George was going to sleep any more than he did
now, seeing that there were only twenty-four hours
in each day, summer and winter alike ; bufrthought
*
that if he did sleep any more, he might just as well *:•

be dead, and so save his board and lodging. * *

Harris said, however, that the river would suit

him to a “ T.” 1 don’t know what a “T ” is (ex-*
 ;

THBEJE MEN IN A BOAT. 15

oept a sixpenny one, which includes bread-and-

butter and cake ad lib., and is cheap at the price, if
yon haven’t had any dinner). It seems to suit
everybody, however, which is greatly to its credit.
It suited me to a “T” too, and Harris and I
both said it was a good idea of George’s ; and we
said it in a tone that seemed to somehow imply
that we were surprised that
George should have come out so
sensible.
The only one who was not
struck with the suggestion was
Montmorency. He never did care
for the river, did Montmorency.
“It’s all very well for you fel-

lows,” he says ; “ you like it, but I

don’t.. There’s nothing for me to
do. Scenery is not in my line,

and I don’t smoke. If I see a rat, you won’t stop

and if I go to sleep, you get fooling about with the
boat, and slop me overboard. If you ask me, I
call the whole thing bally foolishness.”
We were three to one, however, and the motion
was carried.
16 THREE MEN IN A SOAT-

CHAPTER II.

Plans discussed. —Pleasures of “camping out,” on fine

nights. —Ditto, wet nights. —Compromise decided on.
Montmorency, first impressions of.—Pears lest he is too
good for this world, fear subsequently dismissed as
groundless.— Meeting adjourns.

We pulled out the maps and discussed plans.

We arranged to start on the following Saturday
from Kingston. Harris and I would go down in the
morning and take the boat up to Chertsey, and
George, who would not be able to get away from the
City till the afternoon (George goes to sleep at a
bank from ten to four each day, except Saturdays,
when they wake him up and put him outside at two),
'
would meet us there.
Should we “ camp out,” or sleep at inns ?
George and I were for camping out. We said it
would be so wild and free, so patriarchal like.
Slowly the golden memory of the dead sun fades
from the hearts of the cold, sad clouds. Silent, like
sorrowing children, the birds have ceased their song,
and only the moor-hen’s plaintive cry and the harsh
croak of the corncrake stirs the awed hush around
the couch of waters, where the dying day bfeathes
out her last.
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

From the dim woods on either bank, Night’s

ghostly army, the gray shadows, creep out with
noiseless tread to chase away the lingering rear-guard
of the and pass with noiseless, unseen feet
light,
above the waving river-grass, and through the sigh-
ing rushes and Night, upon her somber throne, folds
;

her black wings above the darkening world, and,

('

- i K
•
*
v >£; ;

%<

igMagiiai!*-—
%SMhmmg»

from her phantom palace, lighted by the pale stars,

reigns in stillness.
Then we run our little boat into some quiet nook,
and the tent is pitched, and the frugal supper cooked
and eaten. Then the big pipes are filled and lighted,
and the pleasant chat goes round in musical under-
tones while, in the pauses of our talk, the river
playing round the boat, prattles strange old tales
 —

18 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

and secrets, sings low the old child’s song that it has
—
sung so many thousand years will sing so many
thousand years to come, before its voice grows
,
—
harsh and cold a song that we, who have learned
to love its changing face, who have so often nestled
on its yielding bosom, think, somehow, we under-
stand, though we could not tell you in mere words
the story that we listen to.
And we sit there, by its margin, while the moon,
who loves it too, stoops down to kiss it with a

sister’s kiss,and throws her silver arms around it

cliugingly ; and we watch it as it flows, ever sing-
ing, ever whispering, out to meet its king, the sea
till our voices die away in silence, and the pipes go

—
out till we, commonplace, everyday young men
enough, feel strangely full of thoughts, half sad,
—
half sweet, and do not care or want to sp'eak till
we laugh, and, rising, knock the ashes from our
burned-out pipes, and say “ Good-night,” and, lulled
by the lapping water and the rustling trees, we fall
asleep beneath the great, still stars, and dream that
—
the world is young again young and sweet as she
used to be ere the centuries of fret and care had
furrowed her fair face, ere her children’s sins and
follies had made old her loving heart — sweet as she
was in those bygone days when, a new-made
mother, she nursed us, her children, upcfn her own
deep breast— ere the wiles of painted civilization
had lured us away from her fond arms, and the
poisoned sneers of artificiality had made us ashamed
of the simple life we led with her, and the simple.
 THREE MEN IN A BOA T. It

stately home where mankind was born so many

thousand years ago.

Harris said
“ How about when it rained
You can never rouse Harris. There is no poetry
—
about Harris no wild yearning for the unattain-
able. Harris never “ weeps, he knows not why.”
If Harris’ eyes fill with tears, y’ou can bet it is be-
cause Harris has been eating raw onions, or has put
too much Worcester over his chop.
If you were to stand at night by the seashore
with Harris, and say
“ Hark do you not hear ? Is it
!

but the mermaids singing deep

below the waving waters; or sad
spirits,’ chanting dirges for white

corpses, held by seaweed V Harris

would take you by the arm and
say
“I know what it is, old man
you’ve got a chill. How, you come
along with me. I know a place
round the corner here, where you
can get a drop of the finest Scotch
whisky you ever tasted put you—
right in tess than no time.”
Harris always does know a place round the corner
where you can get something brilliant in the drink-
ing Ime. I believe that if you met Harris up in
•paradise (supposing such a thing likely), he would
%amediately greet vou with
20 TERSE MEN IN A BOAT

“ Bo glad you’ve come, old fellow; I’ve found a

nice place round the corner here, where you can. get
some really first-class nectar.”
In the present instance, however, as regarded the
camping out, his practical view of the matter came
as a very timely hint. Camping out in rainy
weather is not pleasant.
It is evening.You are wet through, and there is
a good two inches of water in the boat, and all the
things are damp. You find a place on the banks
that is not quite so puddly as other places you have
seen, and you land and lug out the tent, and two of
you proceed to fix it.
It is soaked and heavy, and it flops about, and
tumbles down on you, and clings round your 'head
and makes you mad. The rain is pouring steadily
down all the time. It is difficult enough to fix a
tent in dry weather in wet, the task becomes 'hercu-
;

lean, Instead of helping you, it seems to you that

the other man is simply playing the fool. Just as
you get your side beautifully fixed, he gives it a
hoist from his end and spoils it all.
“ Here what are you up to ?” you call out.
!

“ What are you up to ?” he retorts ; “ leggo, can’t

you ?”
“ Don’t pull it you’ve got it all wrong, you
;

stupid ass !” you shout. ,

“ No 1 haven’t,” he yells “let go your side !”
,
.

“ I tell you you’ve got it all wrong !” you roar,

wishing that you could get at him and you give ;

your ropes a lug that pulls all his pegs out.

 :

TEHEE MEN IN A BOAT. 21 '

“ Ah, the bally idiot !” you hear him mutter to

himself and then comes a savage haul, and away
;

goes your side. You lay down the mallet and start
to go round and tell him what you think of the
whole business, and at the same time he starts round
in the same direction to come and explain his views
to you. And you follow each other round and
round, swearing at each other until the tent tumbles
down in a heap, and leaves you looking at each
other across its ruins, when you both indignantly
exclaim in the same breath
“ There you are what did I tell you ?”
!

Meanwhile the third man, who has been bailing out

the boat, and who has spilled the water down his
sleevh, and has been cursing away to himself steadily
for the last ten minutes, wants to know what the
thundering blazes you’re playing at, and why the
blarmed tent isn’t up yet.
At last, somehow or other, it does get up, and
you land the things. It is hopeless attempting to
make a wood fire, so you light the methylated spirit
stove, and crowd round that.
Bain water is the chief article of diet at supper.
The bread is two-thirds rain water, the beefsteak pie
is exceedingly rich in it; and the jam, and the but-
ter, and the salt, and the coffee have all combined
with it to^make soup.
After supper, you find your tobacco is damp, and
you cannot smoke. Luckily you have a bottle of
the stuff that cheers and inebriates, if taken in
'
proper quantity, and this restores to you sufficient
interest in life to induce you to go to bed.
22 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

There you dream that an elephant has suddenly

sat down on your chest, and that the volcano has
exploded and thrown you down to the bottom of
—
the sea the elephant still sleeping peacefully on
your bosom. You wake up and grasp the idea that
something terrible really has happened. Your first
impression is that the end of the world has come; and
then you think that this cannot be, and that it is
thieves and murderers, or else fire, and this opinion
you express in the usual method. No help comes,
however, and all you know is that thousands of
people are kicking you, and you are being smoth-
ered.
Somebody else seems in trouble too. You can
hear his faint cries coming from underneath your
bed. Determining, at all events, to sell your life
dearly, you struggle frantically, hitting out right
and left with arms and legs, and yelling lustily
the while, and at last something gives way and
you find your head in the fresh air. Two feet off,
you dimly observe a half-dressed ruffian waiting to
kill you, and you are preparing for a life-and-death

struggle with him, when it begins to dawn upon

you that it’s Jim.
“ Oh, it’s you, is it ?” he says, recognizing you at
the same moment.
“Yes,” you answer, rubbing your eyes “what’s
}
happened ?”
“ Bally tent’s blown down, I think,” he says.
“Where’s Bill?”
Then you both raise up your voices and shout for
 ;

TEBBE MEN IN A BOAT. 25

a Em j»and the ground beneath you heaves and

rocks, and the muffled voice that you heard before
replies from out the ruin :

“ Get off my head, can’t you?”

And Bill struggles out, a muddy, trampled wreck,
and in an unnecessarily aggressive mood— he being
under the evident belief that the whole thing has
been done on purpose.
In the morning you are all three speechless,
owing to having caught severe colds in the night
you also feel very quarrelsome, and you swear at
each other in hoarse whispers during the whole of
breakfast-time.

We therefore decide that we should sleep out on

fine nights ;
and hotel it, and inn it, and pub. it,
like respectable folks, when it was wet, or when we

felt inclined for a change.

Montmorency hailed this compromise with much
approval. He
does not revel in romantic solitude.
Give him something noisy and if a trifle low, so
much the jollier. To look at Montmorency you
would imagine that he was an angel sent upon the
earth, for some reason withheld from mankind, in
the shape of a small fox-terrier. There is a sort of
Oh-what-a-wicked-world-this-is-and-how - 1 - wish - 1 -
could-do-something-to-make-it-better-and-nobler ex-
pression about Montmorency that has been known
to bring the tears into the eyes of pious old ladies
and gentlemen.
When first he came to live at my expense, I never
24 THREE MEN .IN A BOAT

thought I should be able to get him to stop long.;

down and look at Kim, as he sat on the
1 used' to sit
rug and looked up at me, and think : “ Oh, that dog
will never live. He will be snatched up to the
bright skies in a chariot, that is what will happen
to him.” ,
.

But, whenhad paid for about a dozen chickens

I
that he had killed and had dragged him, growling
;

and kicking, by the scruff of his neck, out of a

hundred and fourteen street fights and had had a ;

dead cat brought round for my inspection by an

irate female, who called me a murderer and had ;

been summoned by the man next door but one for

having a ferocious dog at large, that had kept him
pinned up in his own tool-shed, afraid to venture
his nose outside the door, for over two hours on a
cold night ;and had learned that the gardener, un-
known had won thirty shillings by" back-
to myself,
ing him to kill rats against time, then I began to
think that maybe they’d let him remain on earth
for a bit longer, after all.

To hang about a and collect a gang of the

stable,
most disreputable dogs to be found in the town, and
lead them out to march round the slums to fight
other disreputable dogs, is Montmorency’s idea of
“ life and so, as I before observed, he gave to the
suggestion of inns, and pubs., and hotels Ms most
emphatic approbation.
Having thus settled the sleeping arrangements to
the satisfaction of all four of us, the only thing left
to discuss was what we should take with us ; and
 THREE MEM far A BOAT. 25

this we had begun to argue, when Harris said he’d

had enough oratory for one night, and proposed
that we should go out and have a smile, saying
that he had found a place, round by
the square, whete you could really get
a drop of Irish worth, drinking.
George said he felt thirsty (I never
knew George when he didn’t) and, as
;

I had a presentiment that a little

whisky, warm, with a slice of lemon,
would do my complaint good, the de-
bate was, by common assent, adjourned to the fol-
lowing night ; and the assembly put on its hats and
went .out.
 : : —

26 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

CHAPTER III.
Arrangements settled.—Harris’ method of doing work. —How
the elderly family man puts up a picture. —George makes
a sensible remark. —Delights of early morning bathing.
Provisions for getting upset.

on the following evening, we again assembled

So,
to discuss and arrange our plans. Harris said
“ How, the first thing to settle is what to take
with us. How, you get a bit of paper and write
down, J., and you get the grocery catalogue, George,
and somebody give me a bit of pencil, and then I’ll
make out a list.”
'
-

That’s Harris all over —so ready to take the burden

of everything himself, and put it on the backs of
other people.
He always reminds me of my poor uncle Podger.
You never saw such a commotion up and down a
house in all your life as when my uncle Podger
undertook to do a job. A picture would have come
home from the framemaker’s and be standing in the
dining-room, waiting to be put up, and Aunt Podger
would ask what was to be done with it, and Uncle
Podger would say
“ Oh, you leave that to me. Don’t you, any of
you, worry yourselves about that. I'll do all
that.”
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 27

And then he would take off his coat and begin.

He would send the girl out for sixpen’orth of nails,
and then one of the boys after her to tell her what
size to get ;
and, from that, he would gradually
work down, and start the whole house.
“ Now you go and get me my ham-
mer, Will,” he would shout “ and ;

you bring me the rule, Tom and I ;

shall want the step-ladder, and I had

better have a kitchen-chair, too ;
and,
Jim !
you run round to Mr. Goggles, and tell him
‘Pa’s kind regards, and hopes his leg’s better and ;

will he lend him his spirit-level ?’ And don’t you

go, Maria, because I shall want somebody to hold
me the light and when the girl comes back, she
;

must go out again for a bit of picture-cord ; and

—
Tom— where’s Tom? Tom, you come here; I shall
want you to hand me up the picture.”
And then he would lift up the picture, and drop
it, and it would come out of the frame, and he
would try to save the glassy and cut himself and ;

then he would spring round the room, looking for

his handkerchief. He could not
find his handkerchief, because it

was in the pocket of the coat he

had taken off, and he did not know '
I?
where he had put the coat, and all the house had
to leave off looking for his tools, and start looking
for his coat, while he would dance round and hinder
them. •
“Doesn’t anybody in the whole house know
 : !

28 TEHEE MEN IN A BOAT.

where my coat is ? I never came aeross such a set

in all my life— upon my word I didn’t. Six of you
—and you can’t find a coat that I put down not five
minutes ago. Well, of all the ”
Then he’d get up, and find that he had been sit-

ting on and would call out

it,

“ Oh, you can give it up I’ve found it myself

!

now. Might just as well ask the cat to find any-

thing as expect you people to find it.”
And, when half an hour had been spent in tying
up his finger, and a new glass had been got, and the
tools, and the ladder, and the chair, and the candle
had been brought, he would have another go, the
whole family, including the girl and the charwoman,
standing round in a semicircle, ready to help/ Two
people would have to hold the chair, and a third
would help him up on it, and hold him there, and a
fourth would hand him a nail, and a fifth' would
pass him up the hammer, and he would take hold of
the nail, and drop it.
“ There !” he would say, in an injured tone, “ now
the nail’s gone.”
And we would all have to go down on our knees
and grovel for it, while he would stand on the chair,
and grunt, and want to know if he was to be kept
there all the evening.
The would be found at last, and by that time
nail
he would have lost the hammer.
“ "Where’s the hammer
% What did I do with
the hammer 1 Great Heavens! Seven -of you,
gaping round there, and you don’t know what I did
with the hammer 1”
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT 2*

We would find the hammer for him, and then he

would have lost sight of the mark he had made on
the wall, where the nail was to go in’ and each of as
had to get up on a chair, beside him, and see if he
could find it and we would each discover it in a
;

different place, and he would call us all fools, one

after another, and tell us to get down. And he
would take the rule, and re-measure, and find that
he wanted half thirty-one and three-eighths inches,
from the corner, and would try to do it in his head,
and go mad.
And we would all try to do it in our heads, and
all arrive at different results, and sneer at one an-
other.. And in the general row, the original nurm
ber would be forgotten, and Uncle Podger would
have to measure it again.
He would use a bit of string this time, and at the
critical moment, when the old fool was leaning over
the chair at an angle of forty-five, and trying to
reach a point three inches beyond what was possible
for him to reach, the stringnvould slip, and down
he would on to the piano, a real!}7 fine musical
slide
effect being produced by the suddenness with which
his head and body struck all the notes at the same
time.
And Aunt Maria would say that she would not.,
allow the children to stand round and hear such
language. ,

At last, Uncle Podger would get the ipot fixed

again, afld put the point, of the nail on it with his,
left hand, and take the hammer in his right hand.
30 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.
And, with the first blow, he would smash his thumb,
and drop the hammer, with a yell, on somebody’s
toes.
Aunt Maria would mildly observe that, next time
Uncle Podger was going to hammer a nail into the
wall, she hoped he’d let her know in time, so that

she could make arrangements to go and spend a

week with her mother while it was being done.
“ Oh you women, you make such a fuss over
!

everything,” Uncle Podger would reply, picking

himself up. “ Why, I like doing a little*' job of this
sort.”
And then he would have another try, and at the
second blow the nail would go clean through the
plaster, and half the hammer after it, and Uncle
 : :

fSRBB MEN IN A BOAT. 81

Podger be precipitated against the wall with force

nearly sufficient to flatten his nose.
Then we had to find the rule and the string
again, and a new hole was made and about mid-
;

night, the picture would be up —

very crooked and
round looking* as if it
insecure, the wall for yards
had been smoothed down with a rake, and every-
body dead beat and wretched except Uncle —
Podger.
“ There you 53
he would say, stepping heavily
are,
off the chair on to the charwoman’s corns, and sur-
veying the mess he had made with evident pride.
u Why, some people would have had a man in to do
a little thing like that !”
Harris will be just that sort of man when he
grows up, I know, and I told him so. I said I could
not permit him to take so much labor upon himself.
1 said
a No you get the paper, and the pencil, and the
;

catalogue, and George write down, and 1

3
11do the
work. 53
The first list we made out had to be discarded. It
was clear that the upper reaches of the Thames
would not allow of the navigation of a boat
sufficiently large to take the things we had set down
as indispensable so we tore the list up, and looked
;

at one another.
George said
a Toil "know we are on a wrong track altogether.
We must not think of the things we could do with,
but only of the things that we can’t do without/
5
32 THREE MEM IN A BOAT.

George comes out really quite sensible at times.

You’d be surprised. I call that downright wisdom,
not merely as regards the present case, but with
reference to our trip up the river of life, generally.
How many people, on that voyage, load up the boat
till it is ever in danger of swamping with a store of

foolish things which they think essential to the

pleasure and comfort of the trip, but which are
really only useless lumber.
Howthey pile the poor little craft mast-high with
fine clothes and big houses ; with useless servants,
and a host of swell friends that do not care twopence
for them, and that they do not care three ha’pence
for vvith expensive entertainments that nobody en-
;

joys, with formalities and fashions, with pretense

—
and ostentation, and with oh, heaviest, maddest
lumber of all !
—
the dread of what will my neighbor
think, with luxuries that only cloy, with pleasures
that bore, with empty show that, like the criminal’s
iron crown of yore, makes to bleed and swoon the
aching head that wears it
It is lumber, man —all lumber! Throw it over-
board. It makes the boat so heavy to pull, you
nearly faint at the oars. It makes it so cumbersome
and dangerous to manage, you never know a mo-
ment’s freedom from anxiety and care, never gain a
—
moment’s rest for dreamy laziness no time to watch
the windy shadows skimming lightly o’er the shal-
lows, or the glittering sunbeams flitting in<«and out
among the ripples, or the great trees by the margin
looking down at their own image, or the woods all
 a

TEHEE MEN IN A BOAT. 33

green and golden, or the

lilies white and yellow, or

the somber-waving rushes, or the sedges, or the

orchids, or the blue forget-me-nots.
Throwthe lumber over, man Let your boat of
!

life be light, packed with only what you need —

homely home and simple pleasures, one or two
friends, worth the name, some one to love and some
one to love you, a cat, a dog, and a pipe or two,
enough to eat and enough to wear, and a little more
than enough to drink; for thirst is a dangerous thing.
You will find the boat easier to pull then, and it

will not be so liable to upset, and it will not matter

so much
if it does upset ; good, plain merchandise

will stand water. You wifi have time to think as

well to work. Time to drink in life's sunshine-
time to listen to the iEolian music that the wind of
God draws from the human heartstrings around us
—time to
I beg your pardon, really. I quite forgot.
Well, we left the list to George, and he began it.
a a
We
won’t take a tent,” suggested George ;
we
will have a boat with a cover, ft is ever so much
simpler, *and more comfortable.”
 ' 1111
'J

till
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 35

don’t bathe much

near the water, but that they
when they are there.
It is the same when you
go to the seaside. I
over the matter
always determine— when thinking
in London—that I’ll get up early every morning
breakfast, and I
and go and have a dip before
religiously pack up a pair of
drawers and a bath
towel. always get red bathing-drawers. I rather
I
fancy myself in red drawers.
They suit my com-
plexion But when I get to the sea I don’t feel
so.
bath
somehow that I want that early morning
when I was in town.
nearly so much as I did
On the contrary, I feel more that I want to
stop
and then come down
in bed till the last moment,
twice virtue has
and h'ave my breakfast. Once or
triumphed, and I have got out at six
and half-dressed
myself, and have taken my drawers
and towel, and
enjoyed it
stumbled dismally off. But I haven’t
east wind
They seem to keep a specially cutting
waiting for me, when I go to
bathe m
the early
three-cornered
morning; and they pick out all the
them on the top, and they sharpen
stones, and put
over with a bit of
up the rocks and cover the points
they take the sea
sand so that I can’t see them, and
so that I have to huddle
and put it two miles out,
shivering, through
myself up in my arms and hop,
water. And when I do get to the sea,
six inches of
it is rough and quite insulting.

One huge wave catches me up and chucks me m

hard as ever it can, down on to
a sitting posture, as
been put there for me. And,
a rock which
36 THREE HEN IN A BOAT.

before I’ve said Oh ! Ugh

and found out what
!”

has gone, the ware comes back and carries me out

to mid-ocean. I begin to strike out frantically for
the*shore, and wonder if I shall ever see home and
friends again, and wish I’d been kinder to my little
sister when a boy (when I was a boy, I mean). Just
when 1 have given up all hope, a wave retires and
leaves me sprawling like a star-fish on the sand, and
I get up and look back and find that I’ve been
swimming for my life in two feet of water. I hop
back and dress, and crawl home, where I have to
pretend I liked it.

In the present instance, we all talked as if we

Were going to have a long swim every morning.
George said it was so pleasant to wake up in the
boat in the fresh morning, and plunge into the
limpid river. Harris said there was nothing like a
swim before breakfast to give you an appetite.
He said it always gave him an appetite. George
said that if it was going to make Harris eat more
than Harris ordinarily 'eat, then he should protest
against Harris having a bath at all.
He said there would be quite enough hard work
in towing sufficient food for Harris up against
stream, as it was.
I urged upon George, however, how much
pleasanter it would be to have Harris'" clean and
fresh about the boat, even if we did have to take a
few more hundredweight of provisions and he got
;

to seeit in my light, and withdrew his opposition

to Harris’ bath.
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 3?

we should take three bath

Agreed, finally, that
other waiting.
towels, so as not to keep each
two suits of flannel would
For clothes, George said
wash them ourselves, in
be sufficient, as we could
the river, when they got dirty.
We
asked him it
flannels in the river, and
he had ever tried washing
himself like but he
he replied : “ No, not exactly ;

and was easy

knew some fellows who had, it

and Harris and I were weak enough

to
enough
about, an
fancy he knew what he was
talking
respectable young men, without position
that" three
experience in washing,
or influence, and with no
really clean their own shirts
and trousers in
could
Thames with abit of soap.
the river
We were to learn in the days to come, when it
miserable impostor,
was too late, that George was a
nothing whatever
who could evidently have known
you had seen these clothes
about the matter. If
—
but, as the shilling shockers say, we antici-
after

impressed upon uS to take a

change of
^George
in case we got up-
under-things and plenty of socks,
plenty of handker-
set wanted a change; also
and
and a pair
chiefs, asthey would do to wipe things,
our boating-shoes, as we
of leather boots as well as
should want them if we got
upset.
 —; '

38 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

CHAPTER IY.

The food question.— Objection to paraffine oil as an atmos-

phere. —
Advantages of cheese as a traveling companion.
—A married woman deserts her home. —Further provision
for getting upset. — pack.—Cussedness of tooth brushes.
I
—George and Harris pack. —Awful behavior of Mont-
morency. —We retire to rest.

Then we discussed the food question.

r
George said :

“ Begin with breakfast.” (George is so practical.)

“How, for breakfast we
want a frying-pan”
shall
(Harris said it was indigestible ; but we merely-
urged him not to be an ass, and George went on)
a teapot and a kettle, and a methylated spirit
stove.”
“ Ho oil,” said George, with a significant look
and Hams and I agreed.
He had taken up an oil-stove once, but “ never
again.” It had been like living in an oil-shop that
week. It oozed. saw such a thing as
I never
paraffine oil is to ooze. We
kept it in the nose of
the boat, and from there it oozed down to the rudder,
impregnating the whole boat and everything in it
on its way, and it oozed over the river, and saturated
the scenery and spoiled the atmosphere. Sometimes
a westerly oily wind blew, and at other times an
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 39

easterly oily wind, and sometimes a northerly oily

wind, and maybe a southerly oily wind but ;

whether it came from the arctic snows or was

raised in the waste of the desert sands, it came alike
to us laden with the fragrance of paraffine oil.
And that oil oozed up and ruined the sunset
and as for the moonbeams, they positively reeked
of paraffine.
We tried to get away from it at Marlow. We
leftthe boat by the bridge, and took a walk through
the town to escape it, but it followed us. The whole
town was full of oil. We
passed through the church-
yard, and it seemed as if the people had been buried
in oil. The High we wondered
Street stunk of oil ;

how people could live in And we walked miles

it.

upon miles out Birmingham way but it was no use,

;

the country was steeped in oil.

At the end of that trip we met together at mid-
night in a lonely field, under a blasted oak, and took
an awful oath (we had been swearing for a whole
week about the thing in an ordinary, middle-class
—
way, but this was a swell affair) an awful oath
never to take paraffine oil with us in a boat again
except, of course, in case of sickness.
Therefore, in the present instance, we confined
ourselves to methylated spirit. Even that is bad
enough. get methylated pie and methylated
You
cake. But methylated spirit is more wholesome
when Jaken into the system in large quantities than
paraffine oil.

For other breakfast things, George suggested eggs

40 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

and bacon, which were easy to cook, cold meat, tea,

bread and butter, and jam. For lunch, he said we
could have biscuits, cold meat, bread and butter, and
—
jam but no cheese. Cheese, like oil, makes too
much of
itself. It wants the whole boat to itself.
If goes through the hamper, and gives a cheesy
flavor to everything else there. You can’t tell
whether you are eating apple-pie or German sausage,
or strawberries and cream. It all seems cheese.
There is too much odor about cheese.
I remember a friend of mine buying a couple of
cheeses at Liverpool. Splendid cheeses they were,
ripe and mellow, and with a two-hundred .horse-
power scent about them that might have been war-
ranted to carry three miles, and knock a man over
at two hundred yards. I was in Liverpool at the
time, and my friend said that if I didn’t mind he
would get me to take them back with me to Lon-
don, as he should not be coming up for a day or
two himself, and he did- not think that the cheeses
ought to be kept much longer.
a Oh, with pleasure, dear boy,”
I replied, “ with
pleasure.”
and took them away in a
I called for the cheeses
cab. was a ramshackle affair, dragged along by a
It
knock-kneed, broken-wiaded somnambulist, which
his owner, in a moment of enthusiasm, during con-
versation, referred to as a horse. I put the cheeses
on the top, and we started off at a shamble that
would have done credit to the swiftest steam-roller
ever built, and all went merry as a funeral bell
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 41

until we turned the corner. There the wind carried

a whiff from the cheeses full on to our steed. It
woke him up, and, with a snort of terror, he dashed
off at three miles an hour. The wind still blew in
his direction, and before we reached the end of the
street he was laying himself out at the rate of
nearly four miles an hour, leaving the cripples and
stout old ladies simply nowhere.
It took two porters as well as a driver to hold
him and I do not think they would
in at the station,
have done it even then had not one of the men had
the presence of mind to put a handkerchief over his
nose, and to light a bit of brown paper.
I took my ticket and marched proudly up the
platform with my cheeses, the people falling back
respectfully on either side. The train was crowded,
and I had to get into a carriage where there were
already seven other people. One crusty old gentle-
man objected, but I got in, notwithstanding, and,
putting my cheeses upon the rack, squeezed down
with a pleasant smile, and said it was a warm day.
A few moments passed, and "then the old gentleman
began to fidget.
“ Yery close in here,” he said.
Quite oppressive,” said the man next him.
And then they both began sniffing, and at the
third sniff they caught it right on the chest, and
rose up-without another word and went out. And
then a stout lady got up and said it was disgraceful
that a respectable married woman should be harried
about iff this way, and gathered up a bag and
-
42 THREE MEM IM A BOAT :

eight parcels and went. The remaining four pas-

sengers sat on for awhile until a solemn-looking
man in the corner, who, from his dress and general
appearance, seemed to belong to the undertaker
class, said it put him in mind of dead baby ;
and
the other three passengers tried to get out of the
door at the same time, and hurt themselves.

I smiled at the black gentleman, and said I

thought we were going to have the carriage to our-
selves ; and he laughed pleasantly, and said that
some people made such a fuss over a little thing.
But even he grew strangely depressed after we had
started, and so, when we reached Crewe, I asked
him to come and have a drink. He accepted, and
we forced our way into the buffet, where we yelled,
and stamped, and waved our umbrellas for a quarter
 : :

THREE MEN IN A BOAT 43

of an hour and then a young lady came, and asked

;

us if we wanted anything.

“ What’s yours?” I said, turning to my friend.

u Pii have half-a-crown’s worthy of brandy, neat,
55
if you he responded.
please, miss ,
And
he went off quietly after he had drunk it
and got into another carriage, which I thought
mean.
From Crewe I had the compartment to myself,
though the train was crowded. As we drew up at
the different stations, the people, seeing my empty
carriage, would rush for it. “ Here y 5
are, Maria ;

come along, plenty of room .

55 “ All right, Tom,
we’ll get in here,” they would shout. And they
would run along, carrying heavy bags, and fight
round the door to get in first. And one would open
the door and mount the steps, and stagger back
into the arms of the man behind him; and they
would all come and have a sniff, and then drop off
and squeeze into other carriages, or pay the differ-
ence and go first.
From Euston I took th% cheeses down to my
friend’s house. When his wife came into the room
she smelled round for an instant. Then she said
<£
What is it ? Tell me the worst.”
I said
4£
It’s cheeses. Tom bought them in Liverpool,
and asked ine to bring them up with me.”
And I added that I hoped she understood that it
had nothing to do with me ; and she said that she
was sur& of that, but that she would speak to Tom
about it when he came back.
 :

44 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

My friend was detained in Liverpool longer than

he expected ; and three days later, as he hadn’t
returned home, his wife called on me. She said :

“ What did Tom say about those cheeses ?”

I replied that he had directed they were tc be
kept in a moist place, and that nobody was to touch
them.
She said
“ Nobody’s likely to touch them. Had he smelled
them?”
I thought he had, and added that he seemed
greatly attached to them.
“You think he would be upset,” she queried, “if
I gave a man a sovereign to take them away and
bury them?”
I answered that I thought he would never smile
again.
An idea struck her. She said :

“ Do you mind keeping them for him? Let me

send them round to you.”
“ Madam,” I replied, “ for myself I like the smell
of cheese, and the journey the otherday with them
from Liverpool I shall ever look back upon as a
happy ending to a pleasant holiday. But, in this
world, we must consider others. The lady under
whose roof I have the honor of residing is a widow,
and for all I know, possibly an orphap too. She
has a strong, I may say an eloquent, objection to
being what she terms put upon.’ The presence of
‘

your husband’s cheeses in her house she rwonld, I

instinctively feel, regard as a put upon and it
‘
 THREE M1CN W A BOAT. U
shall never be said that I put upon the widow and
the orphan.”
“ Yery well, then,” said my friend’s wife, rising,
“ all I have to say is, that I shall take the children
and go to a hotel until those cheeses are eaten. I
decline to live any longer in the same house with
them.”
She kept her word, leaving the place in charge of
the charwoman, who, when asked if she could stand
the smell, replied, “What smell?” and who, when
taken close to the cheeses and told to sniff hard,
said she could detect a faint odor of melons. It

was argued from this that little injury could result

to the woman from the atmosphere, and she was
left.

The hotel bill came to fifteen guineas ;

and my
friend, after reckoning every thing up, found that
the cheeses had cost him eight-and-sixpence a pound.
He said he dearly loved a bit of cheese, but it was
beyond his means; so he determined to get rid of
them. He threw them into the canal but had to ;

fish them out again, as tiie bargemen complained.

They said itmade them feel quite faint. And,
after that, he took them one dark night and left
them in the parish mortuary. But the coroner dis-

covered them, and made a fearful fuss.

He said it was a plot to deprive him of his living
by waking up the corpses.
My friend got rid of them at last, by taking them
dowy. to a sea-side town, and burying them oh the
beach. It gained the place quite a reputation.
46 THEBE MEN IN A BOAT

Visitors said they had never noticed before how-

strong the air was, and weak-chested and consump-
tive people used to throng there for years after-
ward.
Fond as I am of cheese, therefore, I hold that
George was right in declining to take any.
“ We shan’t want any tea,” said George (Harris’
face fell at this) “ but we’ll have a good, round,
;

square, slap-up meal at seven —

dinner, tea, and sup-
per combined.”
Harris grew more cheerful. George suggested
meat and meat, tomatoes, fruit, and
fruit pies, cold
green stuff. For drink, we took some wonderful
sticky concoction of Harris’, which you mixed with
water and called lemonade, plenty of tea, and a
bottle of whisky, in case, as George said, we got
upset.
It seemed to me that George harped too ranch on
the getting-upset idea. It seemed to me the wrong
spirit to go about the trip in.
But I’m glad we took the whisky.
We didn’t take beer or wine. They are a mistake
up the river. They make you feel sleepy and heavy.
A glass in the evening when you are doing a mouch
round the town and looking at the girls is all right
enough ;
but don’t drink when the sun is blazing
down on your head, and you’ve got hard work
to do. r

We made a list of the things to be taken, and a

pretty lengthy one it was, before we parted that
evening. The next day, which was Friday, vre got
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 4?

them all altogether, and met in the evening to pack.

We got a big Gladstone for the clothes, and a

couple of hampers for the victuals and the cooking
utensils. We moved the table up against the
window, piled everything in a heap in the middle of
the floor, and sat round and looked at it. I said I’d
pack.
I rather pride myself on mv packing. Packing is
one of those many things that I feel I know more
about than any other person living. (It surprises
me myself, sometimes, how many of these subjects
there are.) I impressed the fact upon George and
Harris, and told them they had better leave the
whole matter entirely to me. They fell into the sug-
gestion with a readiness that had something uncanny
about it. George put on a pipe and spread himself
over the easy-ehair, and Harris cooked his legs on the
table and lighted a cigar.
This was hardly what I intended. What I had
meant, of course, was, that I should boss the job, and
that Harris and George should potter about under
my directions, I pushing them aside every now and
then with, “ Ob, you 1” “ Here, let me do it.”
—
“ There you are, simple enough !” really teaching
them, as you might say. Their taking it in the way
they did irritated me. There is nothing does irritate
me more than seeing other people sitting about
doing nothing when I’ in working.
I lived with a man once who used to make me mad
that way. He would loll on the sofa and watch me
doing* things by the hour together, following me
48 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

round the room with wherever I went.

his eyes,
He said it did him real good to look on at me mess-
ing about. He said it made him feel that life was
not an idle dream to be gaped and yawned through,
but a noble task, full of duty and stern work. He
said he often wondered now how he could have gone
on before he met me, never having anybody to look
at while they worked.
How, I’m not like that. I can’t sit still and see
another man slaving and working. I want to get
up and superintend, and walk round with my hands
in my pockets, and tell him what to do. It is my
energetic nature. I can’t help it.

However, I did not say anything, but started the

packing. It seemed a longer job than I had thought
it was going to be but I got the bag finished at
;

last, and I sat on it and strapped it.

“ Ain’t you going to put the boots in ?” said
Harris.
And I looked round, and found I had forgotten
them. That’s just like Harris. He couldn’t have
said a word until I’d got the bag shut and strapped,
of course. And George laughed —
one of those irri-
tating, senseless, chuckle-headed, crack-jawed laughs
of his. They do make me so wild.
opened the bag and packed the boots in ; and
I
then, just as I was going to close it, a horrible idea
occurred to me. Had I packed my tooth-brush ? I
don’t know how it is, but I never do know^ whether
I’ve packed my tooth-brush.
My tooth-brush is a thing that haunts me when
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 49

Fin traveling, and makes my life a misery.

I dream
that I haven’t packed and wake up in a cold
it,

perspiration, and get out of bed and hunt for it.

And, in the morning, I pack it before I have used
it, and have to unpack again to get it, and it is

always the last thing I turn out of the bag and ;

then I repack and forget it, and have to rush up-

stairs for it at the last moment and carry it to the
railway station wrapped up in my pocket handker-
chief.
Of course I had to turn every mortal thing out
now, and, of course, I could not find it. I rummaged
the things up into much the same state that they
must have been before the world was created, and
when chaos reigned. Of course, I found George’s
and Harris’ eighteen times over, but I couldn’t find
ray own. I put the things back one by one, and
held everything up and shook it.
Then I found it inside a boot. I re-
*
packed once more.
When 1 had finished, George asked
if the soap was in. I said I didn’t
care a hang whether the soap was in
or whether it wasn’t and I slammed
;

the bag to and strapped it, and found that I had

packed my tobacco pouch in it and had to reopen
it. It got shut up finally at 10 05 p. m., and then
:

there remained the hampers to do. Harris said that

we should be wanting to start in less than twelve
hours’ time, and thought that he and George had
better do the rest ; and I agreed and sat down, and
mej had a go*
50 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

They began in a light-hearted spirit, evidently in-

tending to show me how to do it. X made no com-
ment I only waited. When George is hanged,
;

Harris will be the worst packer in this world and

;

I looked at the piles of plates and cops, and kettles,

and bottles, and jars, and pies, and stoves, and

cakes, and tomatoes,, etc., and felt that the thing

would soon become exciting.
It did. They started with breakinga cup. That
was the first thing they did. They did that just to
show you what they could do, and to get you inter-
ested.
Then Harris packed the strawberry jam on top of
a tomato and squashed it, and they had to pick out
the tomato with a teaspoon.
And then it was George’s turn, and he„ trod on
the butter. I didn’t say anything, but X came over
and sat on the edge of the table and watched them.
It irritated them more than anything X could have
said. [ felt that. It € made them nervous and
excited, and the}7 stepped on things, and put things
behind them, and then couldn’t find them when
they wanted them ; and they packed the pies at the
bottom, and put heavy things on top, and smashed
the pies in.
They upsetsalt over everything, and#, as for the
butter never saw two men do more with one
! I
and twopence worth of butter in my whole life than
they did. After George had got it off his* slipper,
they tried to put it in the kettle. It wouldn’t go in,
and what mas in wouldn’t come out I They did
 THREE MEN IN A BOA T. 51

scrape it out at last, and put it down on a chair, and

Harris sat on it, and it stuck to him, and they went

looking for it all over the room.
“ I’ll take my oath I put it down on that chair,”

said George, staring at the empty seat.

“ I saw you do it myself, not
a minute ago,” said
Harris.
Then they started round the room again looking
for it ;
and then they met again in the center and
stared at each other.
“ Host extraordinary thing I ever heard
of,” said
George.
“ So mysterious !” said Harris.
Then George got round at the back of Harris and
saw it.
“ "Why, here it is all the time,” he exclaimed
indignantly.
“ Where?” cried Harris, spinning round.
“Stand still, can’t you?” roared George, flying
after him. ,

And they got it off, and packed it in a teapot.

Montmorency was in it all, of course. Mont-
morency’s ambition in life is to get in the way and
be sworn at. If he can squirm in anywhere where
he particularly is not wanted, and be a perfect nui-
sance, and make people mad, and have things thrown
at his head, then he feels his day has not been
wasted.
To get somebody to stumble over him, and curse
him steadily for an hour, is his highest aim and ob-
ject ;
and, when he has succeeded in accomplishing
this, his conceit becomes quite unbearable.
 : : :

THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

. and sat down on things, just when they

He came
he labored under
were wanted to be packed and ;

Harris or George
the fixed belief that, whenever
hand for anything, it was his cold,
reached out their
nose that they wanted. He put
his leg into
damp
the teaspoons, and be pre-
the jam, and he worried
were rats, and got into the
tended that the lemons
them before Harris could
hamper and killed three of
land him with the frying-pan.
didn’t encourage
Harris said I encouraged him. I
him. Adog like that don’t want any encourage-
ment. It’s the natural, original sin
that is born m
that.
him that makes him do things like
The packing was done at 12 50 ; and Harris sat
:

nothing would
on the big hamper, and said he hoped
if anything was
be found broken. George said that
which reflection seemed to
broken it was broken,
he was ready for bed.
comfort him. He also said

We were all ready for bed. Harris was to sleep

with us that night, and we went upstairs.

We tossed our beds, and Harris had to sleep with

me. He said
“ the inside or the outside, J
Do you prefer
I said I generally preferred
to sleep inside a bed.
Harris said it was odd.
George said
“What time shall I wake you fellows V
Harris said:
“Seven.”
I said
« Ho-—six,” because I wanted to write some
letters.
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT, 5?

Harris and I had a bit of a row over it, out at last

splitthe difference, and said half-past six.
“ Wake us at 6 30, George,” we said.
:

George made no answer, and we found, on going

over, that he had been asleep for some time so we
;

placed the bath where he could tumble into it on

getting out w the morning, and went to bed
ourselves.
 —

THREE MEN IN A BOAT

CHAPTER V.

Mrs. P. arouses ns.— George the sluggard. The “weather —

forecast n swindle. —
Our luggage. —Depravity of the small
—
boy.— The people gather round us. We drive off in great
style and arrive at Waterloo.— Innocence of South West-
ern Officials concerning such worldly things as trains.
We are afloat, afloat in an open boat.

1|
T WAS 4Jrs. Poppets that

wSm | wo k ® “®
gi e
u
df
next raornin ^
Uo you know that it's
<4

nearty nine o’clock, sir?”

.ft W -Jsk.
«Nj ne o’ what?” I cried,
starting up.
“Nine through the keyhole.
o’clock,” she replied
“ I thought you was a-dversleeping yourselves.”
I woke Harris, and told him. He said :
“ I thought you wanted to get up at six ?”
“So I did,” I answered ; “ why didn’t you wake
me?”
“ How could I wake you when you didn’t wake
me?” he retorted. “Now we sha’n’t get on the
water till after twelve. I wonder you take the
trouble to get up at all.”

“Dm,” 1 replied, “ lucky for you that I do. If I

 THREE MEW IN A BOA 2 ,
55

hadn’t woke you, you’d have Iain there for the

whole fortnight.”
We snarled at each other in this strain for the
next few minutes, when we were interrupted by a
defiant snore from George. It reminded us, for the
first time since our being called, of his existence.
—
There he lay the man who had wanted to know
—
what time he should wake us on his back, with his
mouth wide open, and his knees stuck up.
I don’t know why it should be, I am sure ;
but
the sight of another man asleep in bed when I am

up maddens me. It seems so shocking to see the

—
precious hours of a man’s life the priceless moments
that will never come back to him again —being
wasted in mere brutish sleep.
There was George, throwing away in hideous
sloth the inestimable gift of time; his valuable life,

every second of which he would have to account

for hereafter, passing away from him, unused. He
might havb been up stuffing himself with eggs and
bacon, irritating the dog, or flirting with the slavey,
instead of sprawling there, sunk in soul-clogging
obliviofi.
56 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

It was a terrible thought. Harris and I appeared

to be struck by it at the same instant. We deter-
mined to save him, and, in this noble resolve, our own
dispute was forgotten. We
and slung
flew across
the clothes off him, and Harris landed him one with
a slipper, and I shouted in his ear, and he awoke.
“ Wasermarrer?” he observed, sitting up.
“ Get up, you fat-headed chunk 1” roared Harris.
“ It’s quarter to ten.”
“What!” he shrieked, jumping out of bed into
the bath. “ Who
the thunder put this thing here ?”
We told him he must have been a fool not to see
the bath.
We finished dressing, and, when it came to the
extras, we remembered we had packed the
that
tooth-brushes and the brush and comb (that tooth-
brush of mine will be the death of me, I know), and
we had to go downstairs, and fish them out of the
bag. And when we had done that George wanted
the shaving tackle. We told him that he would have
to go without shaving that morning, as we weren’t
going to unpack that bag again for him, nor for any
one like him.
He said
“ Don’t be absurd. How can I go into the City
like this?”
It was certainly rather rough on the City, but
what cared we for human suffering ? As Harris
said, in his common, vulgar way, the City would
have to lump it.
We went downstairs to breakfast Montmorency
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT 57

had invited two other dogs to come and see him off
and they were whiling away the time by fighting-
on the doorstep. We calmed them with an um
brella, and sat down to chops and
cold beef.
Harris said :
“The great thing is to make a
good breakfast,” and he started with
a couple of chops, saying that he
would take these while they were
hot, as the beef could wait.
George got hold of the paper,
and r$ad us out the boating fatali-
ties, and the weather forecast, which

latter prophesied “ rain, cold, wet to

fine ” (whatever more than usually
ghastly thing in weather that may
be), “ occasional local thunder-
storms, east wind, with general depression over the
Midland Counties” (London and Channel). “Bar.
falling.”
I do think that, of all the silly, irritating totdfool-
ishness by which we are plagued, this “ weather-
forecast ” fraud is about the most aggravating. It
‘‘forecasts” precisely what happened yesterday or
the day before, and precisely the opposite of what
is going to happen to-day.

I remember a holiday of mine being completely

ruined o«e late autumn by our paying attention to
the weather report of the local newspaper. “ Heavy
showers, with thunder-storms, may be expected to-
58 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

Jay,” it would say on Monday, and so we would

give up our picnic, and stop indoors all day, waiting
for the rain. And people would pass the house,
going off in wagonettes and coaches as jolly and
merry as could be, the sun shining out, and not a
cloud to be seen.
“ Ah !” we said, as we stood looking out at them
through the window, “ won’t they come home
!”
soaked
And we chuckled to think how wet they were
going to get, and came back and stirred the fire,
and got our books, and arranged our specimens of
seaweed and cockle shells. By twelve o’clock, with
the sun pouring into the room, the heat became
quite oppressive, and we wondered when those
heavy showers and occasional thunder-storms were
going to begin.
“ Ah they’ll come in the afternoon, you’ll find,”
!

we said to each other. “ Oh, won’t those people get

wet What a lark !”
!

At one o’clock the landlady would come in to ask

if we weren’t going out, as it seemed such a lovely

day.
“No, no,” we replied, with a knowing chuckle,
“ not we. We don’t mean to get wet no, no.” —
And when the afternoon was nearly gone, and
still was no sign of rain, we tried to cheer oar-
there
selves up with the idea that it would come down all
at once, just as the people had started for home,
and were out of the reach of any shelter, and that
they would thus get more drenched than ever. But
 TEHEE MEN IN A BOAT 59

not a drop ever fell, and it finished a grand day,

and a lovely night after it.
The next morning we would read that it was
going to be a “ warm, fine to set-fair day much ;

heat and we would dress ourselves in flimsy

things, and go out, and half an hour after we had
started it would commence to rain hard, and a
bitterly cold wind would spring up, and both would
keep on steadily for the whole day, and we would
come home with colds and rheumatism all over us,
and go to bed.
The weather is a thing that is beyond me alto-
gether. I never can understand it. The barometer
is useless : it is as misleading as the newspaper

forecast.
There was one hanging up in a hotel at Oxford
at which I was staying last spring, and when I got

there it was pointing to “ set fair.” It was simply

pouring with rain outside, and had been all day ;

and I couldn’t quite make matters out. I tapped

the barometer, and it jumped and pointed to “ very
dry.” The Boots stopped as he was passing and
said he expected it meant to-morrow. I fancied
that maybe it was thinking of the week before last,
but Boots said no, he thought not.
I tapped it^ again the next morning, and it went
up still higher, and the rain came down faster than
ever. On Wednesday I went and hit it again, and
the pointer went round toward “set fair,” “very
dry,” and “much heat,” until it was stopped by the
peg and couldn’t go any further. It tried its best,
60 THRE E MEN IN 4 BOAT,
that it couldn t
but the instrument was built so
harder than it did with-
prophesy fine weather any
evidently wanted to go on,
out breaking itself. It
water famine, and
and prognosticate drought, and
and simooms, and such things, but the
sunstroke,
peg prevented and it had to be content „with
it,
“ very dry.”
pointing to the mere commonplace
Meanwhile the rain came down in a steady tor-
rent, and the lower part of the town was under
water, owing to the river having overflowed.
Boots said it was evident that we were
going to
have a prolonged spell of grand weather some time ,

which was printed over the

and read out a poem
top of the oracle, about

“ Long foretold, long last;

Short notice, soon past.”

The weather never came that summer. I

fine
referring to
expect that machine must have been
the following spring.
Then there are those new styles of barometers,

the long straight ones. I never can make head or

tail of those. There is one side for 10 a. m. yester-
day, and one side for 10 a. m. to-day ; but
you can’t
always get there as early as ten, you know. It
rises or falls for rain and fine, with
much or less
and one end is “ Nly ” and the other “ Ely
wind,
(what’s Ely got to do with it?), and if you tap it, it

doesn’t tell you anything. And you’ve got to cor-

rect it to sea-level, and reduce it to Fahrenheit, and

even then I don’t know the answer.

 ;

THREE MEN IN A BOAT 61

But who wants to be foretold the weather ? It is

bad enough when it comes, without oar having the
misery of knowing about it beforehand. The
prophet we like is the old man who, on the particu-
larly gloom ?-looking morning of some day when we
particularly want it to be line, looks round the hori-
zon with a particularly knowing eye, and says
44
Ch, no, sir, I think it will clear up all right. It
will break all right enough, sir.”
44
Ah, he knows,” we say, as we wish him good-
morning, and start off ; 44 wonderful how these old
!”
fellows can tell
And we feel an affection for that man which is
not at all lessened by the circumstances of its not
clearing up, but continuing to rain steadily all day.
44
Ah, well,” we feel, “ he did his best.”
For the man that prophesies us bad weather, on
the contrary, we entertain only bitter and revenge-
ful thoughts.
44
Going to clear up, d’ye think?” we shout
cheerily, as we pass.
“ Well, no, sir
;
Fm afraid it’s settled down for
the day,” he replies, shaking his head.
44
Stupid old fool,” we mutter ,
what’s he know
44

about it ?” And, if his portent proves correct, we

come back feeling still more angry against him, and
with a vague notion that, somehow or other, he has
had something to do with it.

It wbs too bright and sunny on this especial

morning for George’s blood-curdling readings about.
62 THREE MEN IN A BOAT,

“Bar. falling,” “atmospheric disturbance, passing

in an oblique line over Southern Europe,” and
“ pressure increasing,” to very much upset us ; and
so,finding that he could not make us wretched, and
was only wasting his time, he sneaked the cigarette
that I had carefully rolled up for myself, and went.
Then Harris and having
I, finished up the few
things left on the table, carted out our luggage on
to the doorstep, and waited for a cab.
There seemed a good deal of luggage, when we
put it all together. There was the Gladstone and
the small hand-bag, and the two hampers, and a
large roll of rugs, and some four or five overeoats
and mackintoshes, and a few umbrellas, and then
there was a melon by itself in a bag, because it was
too bulky to go in anywhere, and a couple of
pounds of grapes in another bag, and a .Japanese
paper umbrella, and a frying-pan, which, being too
long to pack, he had wrapped round with brown
paper. It did look a lot, and Harris and I began
to feel rather ashamed of it, though why we should
be, I can’t see. Ho cab came by, but the street
boys did, and got interested in the show, apparently,
and stopped.
Biggs’ boy was the first to come round. Biggs is
our green-grocer, and his chief talent lies in securing
the services of the most abandoned and unprincipled
errand boys that civilization has as yet produced. If
anything more than usually villainous in the boy
line crops up in our neighborhood, we know that it
is Biggs’ latest. I was told that, at the time of the
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT 63

Great Coram Street murder, it was promptly con-

cluded by our street that Biggs’ boy (for that

period) was at the bottom of it, and had he not been
able, in reply to the severe cross-examination to
64 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

since, I should not have attached much importance

to that alibi myself.
Biggs’ boy, as I have said, came round the
corner. He was evidently in a great hurry when
he first vision, but on catching
dawned upon the
sight of Harrisand me, and Montmorency, and the
things, he eased up and stared. Harris and I
frowned at him. This might have wounded a more
sensitive nature, but Biggs’boys are not, as a rule,
touchy. He came to a dead stop, a yard from our
step, and leaning up against the railings, and select-
ing a straw to chew, fixed us with Ms eye. He
evidently meant to see this thing out.
In another moment, the grocer’s boy passed on
the opposite side of the street. Biggs’ boy hailed
him,
“ Hi ground floor o’ 42’s a-moving,”
!

The grocer’s boy came

and took up a posi-
across,
tion on the other side of the step. Then the
young gentleman from the boot-shop stopped, and
joined Biggs’ boy while the empty-can superin-
;

tendent from “The Blue Posts” took up an inde-

pendent position on the curb.
“ They ain’t a-going to starve, are they V said the 9

gentleman from the boot-shop.

“ Ah !
you’d want to take a thing or two with
” retorted “ The Blue Posts,” “ if you was
you
a-going to cross the Atlantic in a small boat.”
“ They ain’t a-going to cross the Atlantic,”
struck in Biggs’ boy; “they’re a-going to find
Stanley.”
 THREE MEN IN .4 BOAT. 65

By this time quite a small crowd had collected,

and people were asking each other what was the
matter. One party (the young and giddy portion
of the crowd) held that it was a wedding, and
pointed out Harris as the bridegroom; while the
elder and more thoughtful among the populace in-
clined to the idea that it was a funeral, and that I
was probably the corpse’s brother.
At last an empty cab turned up (it is a street
where, as a rule, and when they are not wanted,
empty cabs pass at the rate of three a minute, and
hang about, and get in your vrav), and packing our-
selves and our belongings into it, and shooting out
a couple of Montmorency’s friends, who had evi-
dently sworn never to forsake him, we drove away
mid the cheers of the crowd, Biggs’ boy shying a
carrot after us for luck.
We got to Waterloo at eleven, and asked where
the eleven-five started from. Of course nobody
knew nobody at Waterloo ever does know where
;

a train is going to start from; or where a train when

it does start is going to, or anything about it. The
porter who took our things thought it would go
from number two platform, while another porter,
with whom he discussed the question, had heard a
rumor that itwould go from number one. The
station-master, on the other hand, was convinced it
would start from the local.
To put an end to the matter, we went upstairs,
and ask§d the traffic superintendent, and he told us
that he had just met a man, who said he had seen
 TRUES MSN IN A BOAT.

it at number three platform. We went to number

three platform, but the authorities there said that
they rather thought that train was the Southhamp-
ton express, or else the Windsor loop. But they
were sure it wasn’t the Kingston train, though why
they were sure it wasn’t they couldn’t say.
Then our porter said he thought that must be it
on the high-level platform ; said he thought he
knew the So we went to the high-level
train.
platform, and saw the engine-driver, and asked
him if he was going to Kingston. He said he
couldn’t say for certain, of course, but that he rather
thought he was. Anyhow, if he wasn’t the 11 : 05
for Kingston, he said he was pretty confident he
was 32
the 9for Virginia
: Water, or the 10 a. m. ex-
press for the Isle of Wight, or somewhere in that
direction, and we should all know when, we got
there. We
slipped half a crown into his hand, and
begged him to be the 11 05 for Kingston.
:

“Nobody will ever know on this line,” we said,

“ what you are, or where you’re going. You know
the way, you slip off quietly and go to Kingston.”
“ Well, I don’t know, gents,” replied the noble
fellow, “ but I suppose some train’s got to go to
Kingston and I’ll do it. Gimme the half crown.”
;

Thus we got to Kingston by the London and

Southwestern Railway. *

We learned afterward that the train we had come

by was really the Exeter mail, and that they had
spent hours at Waterloo looking for it, and -nobody
knew what had become of it.
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

Our boat was waiting for us at Kingston just

below the bridge, and to it we wended our way, and
round it we stored our luggage, and into it we
stepped.
“Are von all right, sir ?” said the man.
“Right it is,” we answered ;
and with Harris at
the sculls and Iat the tiller-lines, and Montmorency,
unhappy and deeply suspicious, in the prow, out we
shot on to the waters, which for a fortnight were to
be our home.
 I;

•68 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

CHAPTER VI.

Kingston. —Instructive remarks on early English, history.—

Instructive observations on carved oak and life in general.
—Sad case of Sti wings, junior. — Musings on antiquity. —
forget that I am steering.— Interesting result. —Hampton
Court Maze.— Harris as a guide.

It was a glorious morning, late spring or early

summer, as you care to take it, when the dainty
sheen of grass and leaf is blushing to a deeper green
and the year seems like a fair young maid, trembling
with strange, wakening pulses on the brink of
womanhood.
The quaint back streets of Kingston, where they
came down to the water’s edge, looked quite pictur-
esque in the flashing sunlight, the glinting river with
itsdrifting barges, the wooded towpath, the trim-kept
villas on the other side, Harris, in a red and orange
blazer, grunting away at the sculls, the distant
glimpses of the gray old palace of the Tudors, all
made a sunny picture, so bright but calm, so full of
life, and yet so peaceful, that, early in the day
though it was, I felt myself being dreamily lulled off
into a musing fit.
I mused on Kingston, or “ Kyningestun,” as it
was once called in the days when Saxon “.kinges ”
were crowned there. Great Caesar crossed the river
 “

THIUCE MELf IN A BOAT. 69

there, and the Roman legions camped upon its slop-

ing uplands. Caesar, like, in later years, Elizabeth,
seems to have stopped everywhere only he was
;

more respectable than good Queen Bess he didn’t ;

put up at the public-houses.

She was nuts on public-houses, was England’s
virgin queen. There’s scarcely a pub. of any attrac-
tions within ten miles of London that she does not
seem to have looked in at, or stopped at, or slept at,
some time or other. I wonder now, supposing Har-
ris, say, turned over a new leaf, and became a great

and good man, and got to be prime minister, and

died, if they would put up signs over the public-
houses that he had patronized u Harris had a glass
:

of bitter in this house Harris had two of Scotch

cold here in the summer of 88 “ Harris was
’

chucked from here in December, 1886.”

ISTo, there would be too many of them It would
!

be the houses that he had never entered that would

become famous. “ Only house in South London that
Harris never had a drink i$ !” The people would
flock to it to see what could have been the matter
with it.

How poor weak-minded King Ed wy must have

hated Kyningestun The coronation feast had been
!

too much for him. Maybe boar’s head stuffed with

sugar-pluma did not agree with him (it wouldn’t with
me, I know), and he had had enough of sack and
mead; so he slipped from the noisy revel to steal a
quiet moonlight hour with his beloved Elgiva.
Perhaps, from the casement, standing hand m
TO three men in a boat.

hand, they were watching the calm moonlight on the

river, while from the distant halls the boisterous
revelry floated in broken bursts of faint-heard din
and tumult.
Then brutal Odo and St.Dunstan force their rude
way into the quiet room,and hurl coarse insults at
the sweet-faced queen, and drag poor Edwy back to
the loud clamor of the drunken brawl.
Years later, to the crash of battle- music, Saxon
kings and Saxon revelry were buried side by side,
and Kingston’s greatness passed away for a time, to
rise once more when Hampton Court became a
palace of the Tudors and the Stuarts, and the royal
barges strained at their moorings on the river’s
bank, and bright-cloaked gallants swaggered down
the water-steps to cry “ What ferry, ho
: ! Gad-
!”
zooks, gramercy
Many of the old houses round about speak very
plainly of those days when Kingston was a royal
borough, and nobles and courtiers lived there, near
their king, and the long road to the palace gates
was gay all day with clanking steel and prancing
palfreys, and rustling silks and velvets, and fair
faces. The large and spacious houses, with their
oriel, latticed windows, their huge fireplaces, and

their gabled roofs, breathe of the days of hose and

doublet, of pearl-embroidered stomackefs, and com-
plicated oaths. They were upraised in the days
“ when men knew how to build.” The hard red
bricks have only grown more firmly set wj,th time,
and their oak stairs do not creak and grunt when
you try to go down them quietly.
 TEHEE MEN IN A BOAT n
Speaking of oak staircases reminds me that there
is a magnificent carved oak staircase in one of the

houses in Kingston. It is a shop now, in the market-

place, but it was evidently once the mansion of some
great personage. A friend of mine, who lives at
Kingston, went in there to buy a hat one day, and,
in a thoughtless moment put his hand in his pocket
and paid for it then and there.
The shopman (he knows my friend) was naturally
a little staggered at first ;
but quickly recovering
himself, and feeling that something ought to be done
to encourage this sort of thing, asked our hero if he

would like to see some fine old carved oak. My

friend said he would ;
and the shopman thereupon
took him through the shop, and up the staircase of
the house. The balusters were a superb piece of
workmanship, and the wall all the way up was oak-
paneled, with carving that would have done credit
to a palace. From the stairs they went into the
drawing-room, which was a large, bright room,
decorated with a somewhat startling though cheer-
ful paper of a blue ground. There was nothing,
/ however, remarkable about the apartment, and my
friend wondered why he had been brought there.
The proprietor went up to the paper, and tapped it.
It gave forth a wooden sound.
“ Oak,” he explained. “ All carved oak, right up
to the ceiling, just the same as you saw on the
staircase.”
a J§ut, great Caesar! man,” expostulated my
friend u you don’t mean to say you have covered
;

over oak with blue wall-paper P

73 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

“Yes,” was the reply; “it was expensive work.

Had to match-board it all over first, of coarse. But
the room looks cheerful now. It was awful gloomy
before.”
“ I can’t say I altogether blame the man (which
is doubtless a great relief to his mind). From his
point of view, which would be that of the average
householder, desiring to take life as lightly as possi-
ble, and not that of the old curiosity-shop maniac,
there is reason on his side. Carved oak is very
pleasant to look at, and to have a little of, but it is
no doubt somewhat depressing to live in, for those
whose fancy does not lie that way. It would be
like living in a church.
Ho, what was sad in his case was that he, who
didn’t care for carved oak, should have his drawing-
room paneled with it, while people who do care for
it have to pay enormous prices to get it. It seems
to be the rule of this world. Each person has what
he doesn’t want, and other people have what he
does want.
Marriedmen have wives, and don’t seem to want
them and young single fellows cry out that they
;

can’t get them. Poor people who can hardly keep

themselves have eight hearty children. Bich old
couples, with no one to leave their money to, die
childless. ,
Then there are with lovers. The girls that
girls
have lovers never want them. They say they would
rather be without them, that they bother them, and
why don't they go and make love to Miss Smith
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT 73

Miss Brown, who are plain and elderly, and

aren’t got any lovers? They themselves don't
want lovers. They never mean to marry.
It does not do to dwell on these things ;
it makes
one so sad.
There was a boy at our school, we used to call
him Sandford and Merton. His real name was
Sri wings. He was the most extraordinary lad I
ever came across. I believe he ready liked study.
He used to get into awful rows for sitting up in bed
and reading Greek and as for French irregular
;

verbs there was simply no keeping him away from

them. He was full of weird and unnatural notions
about being a credit to his parents and an honor to
the school and he yearned to win prizes, and grow
;

up and be a clever man, and had all those sorts of

weak-minded ideas. I never knew such a strange
creature, yet harmless, mind you, as the babe
unborn.
Well, that boy used to get ill about twice a week,
so that he couldn’t go to school There never was
such a boy to get ill as that Sandford and Merton.
If there was any known disease going within ten

miles of him, he had it, and had it badly. He

would take bronchitis in the dog-days, and have hay
fever at Christmas. After a six weeks’ period of
drought, he would be stricken down with rheumatic
fever; and he would go out in a November fog and
come home with a sunstroke.
They put him under laughing-gas one year, poor
lad, and drew all his teeth, and gave him a false set,,
74 TERES MEN IN A BOAT.

because he suffered so terribly with toothache ; and

then it turned to neuralgia and earache. He was
never without a cold, except once for nine weeks
while he had scarlet fever and he always had chil-
;

blains. During the great cholera scare of 1871, our

neighborhood was singularly free from it. There
was only one reputed case in the whole parish that :

case was young Stivvings.

He had to stop in bed when he was ill, and eat
chicken and custards and hot-house grapes and he;

would lie there and sob, because they wouldn’t let

him do Latin exercises, and took his German gram-
mar away from him.
And we other boys, who would have sacrificed
ten terms of our school life for the sake of being ill

for a day, and had no desire whatever to give our

parents any excuse for being stuck-up about us,
couldn’t catch so much as a stiff neck. We fooled
about in draughts, and it did us good, and freshened
us up and we took things to make us sick, and
;

they made us fat, and gave us an appetite. Noth-

ing we could think of seemed to make us ill until
the holidays began. Then, on the breaking-up day,
we caught colds, and whooping-cough, and all kinds
of disorders, which lasted till the term recom-
menced when, in spite of everything we could
;

maneuver to the contrary, we would get suddenly

well again and be better than ever.
Such is life and we are but as grass that is cut
;

down, and put into the oven and baked.

To go back to the carved-oak question, they must
 THREE MEN IN A BOA T\ 75

have had very fair notions of the artistic and the

beautiful* our great-great-grandfathers. Why, all
our art treasures of to-day are only the dug-up com-
monplaces of three or four hundred years ago. I
wonder if there is real intrinsic beauty in the old
soup-plates, beer-mugs, and candle-snuffers that wo
prize so now, or if it is only the halo of age glow-
ing around them that gives them their charms in
our eyes. The “ old blue” that we hang about our
walls as ornaments were the common everyday
household utensils of a few centuries ago and the
;

pink shepherds and the yellow shepherdesses that we

hand round now for all our friends to gush over*
and pretend they understand, were the unvalued
mantel ornaments that the mother of the eighteenth
century would have given the baby to suck when he
cried.
Will itbe the same in the future? Will the
prized treasures of to-day always be the cheap
trifles of the day before? Will
rows of our willow-pattern dinner-
plates be ranged above the chim-
ney-pieces of the great in the years
2000 and odd ? Will the white cups
with the gold rim and the beautiful
gold flower inside (species un-
known), th$t our Sarah Janes now
break in sheer light-heartedness of
spirit, be carefully mended, and stood upon a
brackets and dusted only by the lady of the house?
That cMna dog that ornaments the bedroom of
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

my furnished lodgings. It is a white dog. Its

eyes are blue. Its nose is a delicate red, with black
spots. Its head is painfully erect, and its expression
is amiability carried to the verge of imbecility. I do
not admire it myself. Considered as a work of art,
I maysay it irritates me. Thoughtless friends jeer
at it, and even my landlady herself has no admira-
tion for it, and excuses its presence by the cireum
stance that her aunt gave it to her.
But in two hundred years’ time it is more than
probable that that dog will be dug up from some-
where or other, minus its legs, and with its tail
broken, and will be sold for old china, and put in a
glass cabinet. And people wall pass it round, and
admire it. They will be struck by the wonderful
depth of the color on the nose, and speculate as to
how beautiful the bit of the tail that is lost no doubt
was.
"We, in this age, do not see the beauty of that
dog. We are too familiar with it. It is like the
sunset and the stars .we are not : awed by their
loveliness because they are common to our eyes.
So it is with that china dog. In 2288 people wall
gush over it. The making of such dogs will have
become a lost art. Our descendants will wonder
how we did it, and say how clever we were. We
shall be referred to lovingly as “ those* grand old
artists that flourished in the nineteenth century, and
produced those china dogs.”
The “ sampler ” that the oldest daughter did at
school will be spoken ot as “ tapestry of the Victo-
 THEBE MEH IN A BOAT 77

53
rian era , and bealso priceless. The blue-and-white
mugs of the present day road-side inn will be
hunted up, all era, eked and chipped, and sold for
their weight in gold, and rich people will use them
for claret cups; and travelers from Japan will buy
up all the 4C Presents from Ramsgate,” and “Sou-
venirs of Margate,” that maj7 have escaped destruc-
tion, and take them back to Jed o as ancient English
curios.

At threw away the sculls, got

this point Harris
up and left his seat, and
sat on his back, and stuck
Ms legs in the air. Montmorency howled, and
turned a somersault, and the top hamper jumped up,
and all the things came out.
I was somewhat surprised, but I did not lose my
temper. I said, pleasantly enough
u Halloo what’s that for ?”
!

“ What’s that for ? Why ”

Ho, on second thoughts, I will not repeat what
Harris said. I may have been to blame, I admit it
but nothing excuses violence of language and coarse-
ness of expression, especially in a man who has been
carefully brought up, as I know Harris has been. X
was thinking of other things, and forgot, as any one
might easily understand, that I was steering, and
the consequence was that we had got mixed up a
good deal with the tow-path. It was difficult to say,
for the moment, which was us and which was the
Middlesex bank of the river ; but we found out after
awhile, and separated ourselves.
 —

78 THREE MEN M A BOAT.

had done enough for a
Harris, however, said he
bit,and proposed that I should take a turn so, as ;

we were in, I got out and took the tow-line, and ran
the boat on past Hampton Court. What a dear old
wall that is that runs along by the river there I !

never pass without feeling better for the sight of

it

it. Such a mellow, bright, sweet old wall ; what a

charming picture it would make, with the lichen
creeping here, and the moss growing there, a shy
young vine peeping over the top at this spot, to see
what is going on upon the busy river, and the sober
old ivy clustering a little further down. There are
fifty shades and tints and hues in every ten yards of
that old wall. If I could only draw, and knew how
to paint, I could make a lovely sketch of that old
wall, Pm sure. I’ve often thought I should like to
live at Hampton
Court. It looks so peaceful and so
quiet, and
such a dear old place to ramble round
is

in the early morning before many people are about.

But there, I don’t suppose I should really care for
it when it came to actual practice. It would be so
ghastly dull and depressing in the evening when
your lamp cast uncanny shadows on the paneled
walls, and the echo of distant feet rang through the
cold stone corridors, and now drew nearer, and now
died away, and all was deathlike silence, save the
beating of one’s own heart.
We
are creatures of the sun, we men and women.
We love light and life. That is why we crowd into
the towns and cities, and the country grows, more
and more deserted every year. In the sunlight
 THREE MEN IN A BOA'a

in the daytime, when. Nature is alive and busy ail

around us, we like the open hillsides and the deep
woods well enough but : in the night, when our
Mother Earth has gone to sleep, and left us waking,
oh ! the world seems so lonesome, and we get
frightened, like children in a silent house. Then
we and sob and long for the gas-lit streets, and
sit

the sound of human voices, and the answering throb

of human life. We feel so helpless and so little in
the great stillness, when the dark trees rustle in the
night wind. There are so many ghosts about, and
their silent sighs make us feel so sad. Let us gather
together in the great cities, and light huge bonfires
of a million gas-jets, and shout and sing together,
and feel brave.

Harris asked rae been in the maze at

if I’d ever
Hampton Court. Hewent in once to show
said he
somebody else the way. He had studied it up in a
map, and it was so simple that it seemed foolish
hardly worth the twopence charged for admission.
Harris said he thought that map must have been got
up as a practical joke, because it wasn’t a bit like
the real thing, and only misleading. It was a
country cousin that Harris took in. He said :

u We’ll just go in there, so that you can say you’ve

been, but it’s very simple. It’s absurd to call it a

maze. Ton keep on taking the first turning to the
right. # We’ll just walk round for ten minutes, and
then go and get some lunch.”
They met some people soon after they had got
 11
V ""-I

THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

inside, who said they had been there for three-

quarters of an hour, and had had about enough of it.
Harris told them they could follow him, if they

liked he was just going in, and then should turn

;

round and come out again. They said it" was very
kind of him, and fell behind and "followed.
They picked up various other people who wanted
to get it over, as they went along, until they had
absorbed all the persons in the maze. People who
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT gl

tad given up all hopes of ever getting either in or

out, or of ever seeing their home and friends again,
plucked up courage at the sight of Harris and his
party, and joined the procession, blessing him.
Harris said he should judge there must have been
twenty people following him, in all; and one
woman with a baby, who had been there all the
morning, insisted on taking his arm, for fear of
losing him.
Harris kept on turning to the right, but it seemed
a long way, and his cousin said he supposed it was
a very big maze.
“ Oh, one of the largest in Europe,” said Harris.
“ Yes, it must be,” replied the cousin, “ because

we’ve walked a good two miles already.”

Harris began to think it rather strange himself*
but he held on until, as last, they passed the half of a
penny bun on the ground that Harris’ cousin swore
he had noticed there seven minutes ago. Harris
said: “ Oh, impossible I” but the woman with the
baby said, “ Not at all,” as she herself had taken it
from the child, and thrown it down there, just be-
fore she met Harris. She also added that she
wished she never had met Harris, and expressed an
opinion that he was an impostor. That made Harris
mad, and he produced his map, and explained his
theory. *

“ The map may be all right enough,” said one of

the party, “ if you know whereabouts in it we are
now.” •

Harris didn’t know, and suggested that the best

q„) these men in a boat.

thing to do would be to go
back to the entrance,
beginning again part ot
and begin again. For the
it there was not
much enthusiasm ; but with regard
to the advisability of
going back to the entrance
and so they turned,
there was complete unanimity,
and trailed Harris again, in the opposite
after
direction. About ten minutes more passed, and then
center.
they found themselves in the
pretending that that was
Harris thought at first of
but the crowd looked
what he had been aiming at ;

treat it as an acci-
dangerous, and he decided to
dent. ,
start from
,

Anyhow, they had got something to

were, and the
then. They did know where they
seemed
map was once more consulted, and the thing
started for the third
simpler than ever, and off they
time.
And three minutes later they were
,
back
-
i
m
•

the

center again.
get anywhere
After that they simply couldn’t
else. Whatever way they turned brought them
regular at length,
back to the middle. It became so
there, and waited
that some of the people stopped
to take a walk round, and come back
for the others
to them. Harris drew out his map again, after
infuriated the mob,
awhile, but the sight of it only
with it,
and they told him to go and curl his hair
that, to a
Harris said that he couldn’t help feeling
certain extent, he had become unpopular.
the
They all got crazy at last, and sung ouf, for
keeper, and the man came and climbed up the
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. SB

ladder outside, and shouted out directions to them.

But all their heads were, by this time, in such a
confused whirl that they were incapable of grasping
anything, and so the man told them to stop where
-they were, and he would come to them. They
huddled together, and waited ;
and he climbed
down, and came in.
lie was a young keeper, as luck would have it,
and new to the business; and when he got in, he
couldn’t find them, and he wandered about, trying
to get to them, and then he got lost. They caught
sight of him, every now and then, rushing about
the other side of the hedge, and he would see them,
and rush to get to them, and they would wait there
for about five minutes, and then he would reappear
again in exactly the same spot, and ask them where
they had been.
They had to wait till one of the old keepers cam©
back from his dinner before they got out.
Harris said he thought it was a very fine maze, so
far as he was a judge and we agreed that we
;

would try to get George to go into it, on our way

back.
84 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

CHAPTER VII
The river in its —
Sunday garb.— Dress on the river. A chance
for the —
men, Absence of taste in Harris.— George’s
blazer. — —
A day with the fashion-plate young lady.- Mrs.
—
Thomas’ tomb. The man who loves not graves and cof-
fins and skulls. —
Harris mad. —
His views on George and
—
Banks and lemonade. He performs tricks.

It was while passing through Moulsey Lock that

Harris told me about his maze experience. It took
us some time to pass through, as we were the only
boat, and it is a big lock. I don’t think I ever rev
member to have seen Moulsey Lock befgre with
only one boat in it. It is, I suppose, Boulter’s not
even excepted, the busiest lock on the river.
I have stood and watched it sometimes when you
could not see any water at all, but only a brilliant
tangle of bright blazers, and gay caps, and saucy
hats, and many colored parasols, and silken rugs,
and cloaks, and streaming ribbons, and dainty
whites; when looking down into the lock from the
quay, you might fancy it was a huge box into which
flowers of every hue and shade had been thrown
pell-mell, and lay piled up in a rainbow heap, that
covered every corner.
On a fine Sunday it presents this appearance
nearly all day long, while up the stream, and down
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 85

the stream, lie, waiting their turn, outside the gates,

long lines of still more boats and boats are draw-

;

ing near and passing away, so that the sunny river,

from the Palace up to Hampton Church, is dotted
and decked with yellow, and blue, and orange, arid
white, and red, and pink. All the inhabitants of
Hampton and Moulsey dress themselves up in boat-
ing costume, and come and mouch round the lock
with their dogs, and flirt, and smoke, and watch the
boats ;
and, altogether, what with the caps and
jackets of the men, the pretty colored dresses of the
women, the excited dogs, the moving boats, the
white sails, the pleasant landscape, and the spar-
kling water, it is one of the gayest sights I know of

near this dull old London town.

The river affords a good opportunity for dress.
For once in a way, we men are able to show our
taste in colors, and I think we come out very natty,
if you ask me. 1 always like a little red in my
things —
red and black. You know my
a hair is

sort of golden brown, rather a pretty shade Fve

been told, and a dark-red matches it beautifully
and then I always think a light-blue necktie goes so
well with it, and a pair of those Russian-leather
shoes and a red silk handkerchief round the waist
a handkerchief looks so much better than a belt.
Harris always keeps to shades or mixtures of
orange or yellow, but I don’t think he is at all wise
in this. His complexion is too dark for yellows.
Yellows don’t suit him; there can be no question
about it. I want him to take to blue as a back-
86 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

ground, with whits or cream for relief bat, there ;

the less taste a person has in dress, the more ob-

stinate he always seems to be. It is a great pity,
because he will never be a success as it is, while
there are one or two colors in which he might not
really look so bad, with his hat on.
George has bought some new things for this trip,
and I’m rather vexed about them. The blazer is
loud. I should not like George to know that I
thought so, but there really is no other word for it.
He brought it home and showed it to us on Thurs-
day evening. We asked him what color he called
it, and he said he didn’t know. He didn’t think
there was a name for the color. The man had told
him it was an Oriental design. George put it on,
and asked us what we thought of it. Harris said
that, as an object to hang over a flower-bed in early
spring to frighten the birds away, he should respect
it ; but that, considered as an article of dress for any

human being, except a Margate nigger, it made

him ill. George got quite huffy but, as Harris ;

said, if he didn’t want his opinion, why did he ask

for it ?

What troubles Harris and myself, with regard to

it, is that we are afraid it will attract attention to
the boat.
Girls also don’t look half bad in a boat, if prettily
dressed. Nothing is more fetching, to my thinking,
than a tasteful boating costume. But a “ boating
costume,” it would be as well if all ladies would
understand, ought to be a costume that can he worn
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT 8?

in a boat, and not merely under a glass case. It

utterly spoils an excursion if you have folk in the
boat who are thinking all the time a good deal more
of their dress than of the trip. It was my misfortune
once to go for a water picnic with two ladies of this
kind. We did have a lively time.

They were both beautifully got up —

all lace and

silky stuff, and flowers, and ribbons, and dainty

shoes, and light gloves. But they were dressed for
a photographic studio, not for a river picnic. They
were the M boating costumes'” of a French fashion-
plate. It was ridiculous, fooling about in them any-
where near real earth, air, and water.
The first thing was that they thought the boat was
not clean.
, We dusted all the seats for them, and
88 THREE MEW IN A BOAT

then assured them that it was, but they didn’t

believe us. One
them rubbed the cushion with
of
the forefinger of her glove, and showed the result to
the other, and they both sighed, and sat down, with
the air of early Christian martyrs trying to make
themselves comfortable up against the stake. You
are liable to occasionally splash a little when scull-
ing, andappeared that a drop of water ruined
it

those costumes. The mark never came out, and a

stain was left on the dress forever.
I was stroke. my best. I feathered some
I did
two feet high, and
paused at the end of each
I
stroke to let the blades drip before returning them,
and I picked out a smooth bit of water to drop them
into again each time. (Bow said, after awhile, that
he did not feel himself a sufficiently accomplished
oarsman to pull with me, but that he would sit still,
if I would allow him, and study my stroke. He said

it interested him.) But notwithstanding all this, and

try as 1 would, I could not help an occasional flicker

of water from going over those dresses.
The girls did not complain, but they huddled up
close together, and set their lips firm, and every
time a drop touched them they visibly shrunk and
shuddered. It was a noble sight to see them suffer-
ing thus in silence, but it unnerved me altogether.
I am too sensitive. I got wild and fitful in my
rowing, and splashed more and more, the harder I
tried not to.
I gave it up at last I said I’d row bow.
; Bow
thought the arrangement would be better too, and
 ’
THREE MEW IN A BOAT m
we changed The ladies gave an involuntary
places.
sigh of when they saw me go, and quite
relief
brightened up for a moment. Poor girls they had !

better have put up with me. The man they had got
now was a jolly, light-hearted, thick-headed sort of a
chap, with about as much sensitiveness in him as
there might be in a Newfoundland puppy. You
might look daggers at him for an hour and he would
not notice it, and it would not trouble him if he did.
He set a good, rollicking dashing stroke that sent
the spray playing all over the boat like a fountain,
and made the whole crowd sit up straight in no time.
When he spread more than a pint of water over one
of those dresses, he would give a pleasant little
laugh, and say :

64
1 beg your pardon, I’ni sure;” and offer them
Ms handkerchief to wipe it off with.
“ Oh, it's of no consequence,” the poor girls would
murmur in reply, and covertly draw rugs and coats
over themselves, and try and protect themselves
with their lace parasols.
At lunch they had a very bad time of it. People
wanted them to sit on the grass, and the grass was
dusty and the tree- trunks, against which they were
;

invited to lean, did not appear to have been brushed

for weeks so they spread their handkerchiefs on the
;

ground and sat on those, bolt upright. Somebody,

in walking about with a plate of beefsteak pie, trip-
ped up over a root, and sent the pie flying. None of
it went over them, fortunately, but the accident

suggested a fresh danger to them, and agitated-

90 TEHEE MEN IN A BOAT.

them ;
and, whenever anybody moved about, after
that, with anything in Ms hand that could fall and
make a mess, they watched that person with grow-
ing anxiety ontil he sat down again.
“ Now, then, you girls,” said our friend Bow to

them cheerily, after it was all over, “ come along,

!”
you’ve got to wash up
They didn’t understand him at first. When they
grasped the idea, they said they feared they did not
know how wash up.
to
“ Oh, soon show you,” he cried; “it’s rare
I’ll

—
fun! You lie down on your I mean you lean over
the bank, you know, and sloush the things about in
«
the water.”
The eldest sister said that she was afraid that
they hadn’t got on dresses suited to the work.
“ Oh, they’ 11 be all right,” said he light hearfr
edly ; “ tuck ’em up.”
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT, 91

And lie made them do it, too. He told them

that that sort of thing was half the fun. of a picnic*
They said it was very interesting.
How I come to think it over,, was that vonng man
as dense-headed as we thought ? —
or was he no, im-
possible I there was such a simple, childlike ex-
pression about him

Harris wanted to get out at Hampton Church, to

go and see Mrs. Thomas’ tomb.
u Who is Mrs. Thomas V I asked. 9

cc
How should I know t” replied Harris. a She’s a
5’
lady that’s got a funny tomb, and I want to see it.
I objected. I don’t know whether it is that I am

built wrong, but I never did seem to hanker after

tombstones myself. I know that the proper thing
to do, when you get to a village or town, is to rush
off to the churchyard, and enjoy the graves but it ;

is a recreation that I always deny myself. I take

no interest in creeping round dim and chilly
churches behind wheezy old men, and reading
epitaphs. Hot even the sight of a bit of cracked
brass let into a stone affords me what I call real
happiness.
I shock respectable sextons by the imperturba-
bility I am able to assume before exciting inscrip-
tions, and by my lack of enthusiasm for the local
family history, while my ill-concealed anxiety to
get outside wounds their feelings.
One golden morning of a sunny day I leaned
against the low stone wall that guarded a little
:

;
 : !

92 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

village church, and 1 smoked, and drank in deep,

calm gladness from the sweet, restful scene the —
gray old church with its clustering ivy and its
quaint carved wooden porch, the white lane wind-
ing down between tall rows of elms, the
the hill

thatcked-roof cottages peeping above their trim-

kept hedges, the silver river in the hollow, the
wooded hills beyond
was a lovely landscape. It was idyllic, poetical,
It
and it inspired me. I felt good and noble. I felt I
didn’t- want to be sinful and wicked any more. I
would come and live here, and never do any more
wrong, and lead a blameless, beautiful life, and have
silver hair when I got old, and all that sort of thing.
In that moment I forgave all my friends and
relations for their wickedness and cussedness, and I
blessed them. They did not know that I blessed
them. They went their abandoned way all uncon-
scious of what I, far away in that peaceful village,
w as doing
r
them but I did it, and I wished that
for ;

I could letthem know that I had done it, because I

wanted to make them happy. I was going on think-
ing away all these grand, tender thoughts, when my
reverie was broken in upon by a shrill, piping voice
crying out
“ All right, sur, Pm a-coming,
Pma-coming. It’s
all right, you be in a hurry.’’
sur; don’t
I looked up, and saw an old bald-headed man
hobbling across the churchyard toward me carry-
ing a bunch of keys in his hand that shook and
jingled at every step.
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT 93

X motioned him away with

silent dignity, but he
advanced, screeching out the while
still
“ I’m a-coming, sur, Fra a-coraing. I’m a little
lame. X ain’t as spry as I used to be. This way,
sur.”
“ Go away, you miserable old man,” X said.
“I’ve come as soon as I could, sur,” he replied.
“ M} r
missis never see you till just this minute. You
follow me, sur.”
“ Go away,” X repeated “ leave me before X get
;

over the wall and slay you.”

lie seemed surprised.
“ Don’t you want to see the tombs ?” he said.
“Ho,” X answered, “I don’t. X want to stop
here, leaning up against this gritty old wall. Go
away, and don’t disturb me. X am chock-full of
and noble thoughts, and 1 want to stop
beautiful
like it, it feels nice and good.
because Don’t you
come fooling about, making me mad, chivvying
away all my better feelings with this silly tomb-
Go away, and get some-
stone nonsense of yours.
body to bury you cheap, and I’ll pay half the
expense.”
He wasbewildered for a moment. He rubbed
and looked hard at me. I seemed human
his eyes,
enough on the outside he couldn’t make it out.
;

He said
“ Yuise a stranger in these parts ? You don’t live
here?”
“ Ho, ’ll said, “ I don’t. You wouldn’t if 1 did.”
“ Well, then,” he said, “ you want to see the
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

tombs —graves— folks been buried, you know —

coffins 1”
“ You are an untruther,” I replied, getting roused
“I do not want to see tombs not your tombs. —
Why should I? We have graves of our own, our
family has. Why, my uncle Podger has a tomb in
Kensal Green Cemetery, that is the pride of all that
country-side and my grandfather’s vault at Bow is
;

capable of accommodating eight visitors, while my

g i

great-aunt Susan has a brick grave in Finchley

Churchyard, with a headstone with a coffeepot sort
of thing in bas-relief upon it, and a six-inch best
white stone coping all the way round, that cost
pounds. When I want graves, it is to those places
that I go and revel. I do not want other folk’s.
When you yourself are buried, I will come and see
yours. That is all I can do for you.”
He burst into tears. He said that one of the
tombs had a bit of stone upon the top of it that had
 :: :

lap
Jr % i

THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 95

been said by some to be probably part of the re-

mains of a figure of a man, and that another had
some words carved upon it, that nobody had ever
been able to decipher.
I still remained obdurate, and, in broken-hearted
tones, he said
“"Well, won’t you come and see the memorial
window ?”
I would not even see that, so he fired his last
shot. He drew near, and whispered hoarsely
“ I’ve got a couple of skulls down in the crypt,”
he said “ come and see those. Oh, do come and
;

see the skulls You are a young man out for a

! ,

holiday, and you want to enjoy yourself. Come

!”
and see the skulls
Then I turned and fled, and as I sped I heard him
calling to me
“ Oh, come and see the skulls ; come back and see
the skulls !”
Harris, however, revels in tombs, and graves, and
epitaphs, and monumental, inscriptions, and the
thought of not seeing Mrs. Thomas’ grave made him
crazy. He said be had looked forward to seeing
Mrs. Thomas’ grave from the first moment that the
trip was proposed —
said he wouldn’t have joined if
it hadn’t been for the idea of seeing Mrs. Thomas’
' n
tomb.
I reminded him of George, and how we had to
get the boat up to Shepperton by five o’clock to
meet him, and then he went for George. "Why was
:

.;
F
'' ' :

R
George to fool about all day, and leave us to lug
96 THREE MEW IN A BOAT

this lumbering old top-heavy barge up and down

the river by ourselves to meet him ? Why couldn’t
George come and do some work ? Why couldn’t
he have got the day off, and come down with us ?
Bank be bio wed What good was heat the bank ?
!

“ I never see him doing any work there,” con-

tinued Harris, “ whenever I go in. He sits behind
a bit of glass all day, trying to look as if he was
doing something. What’s the good of a man be-
hind a bit of glass ? I have to work for my living.
Why can’t he work ? What use is he there and
what’s the good of their banks? They take your
money, and then, when you draw a check, they
send it back smeared all over with Ho effects,’
6

‘Refer to drawer.’ What’s the good of that?

That’s the sort of trick they served me twice last
week. I’m not going to stand it much longer. I
shall withdraw my account. If he was here, we
could go and see that tomb. I don’t believe he’s at
the bank at all. He’s larking about somewhere,
that’s what he’s doing, leaving us to do all the work.
I’m going to get out, and have a drink.”
I pointed out to him that we were miles away
from a pub. and then he went on about the river,
;

and what was the good of the river, and was every
one who came on the river to die of thirst ?
It is always best to let Harris have bis head when
he gets like this. Then he pumps himself out, and
is quiet afterward.
reminded him that there was concentrated
I
lemonade in the hamper, and a gallon jar of water
 TEUEE MEN IN A BOAT. 2?

in the nose of the boat, and that the two only

wanted mixing to make a cooi and refreshing
beverage*
Then he flew off about lemonade, and “ such like
Sunday-school slops,” as he termed them, ginger
beer, raspberry syrup, etc., etc. He said they all
produced dyspepsia, and ruined body and soul alike,
and were the cause of half the crime in England,
He said he must drink something, however, and
climbed upon the seat, and leaned over to get the
bottle. It was right at the bottom of the hamper,
and seemed difficult to find, and he had to lean o vet-
further and further, and in trying to steer at
same time, from a topsy-turvy point of view, he
pulled the wrong line, and sent the boat into the
bank, and the shock upset him, and he dived down
rig!v into the hamper, and stood there on his head,
holding on to the sides of the boat like grim death,
his legs sticking up into the air. He dared not move
for fear of going over, and had to stay there till I
could get hold of his legs, and haul him back, and
that made him madder than ever.
 m THREE MEW IN A BOAT »

CHAPTER VIII,

Blackmailing.-—The proper course to pursue. — Selfish boorish

ness of river-side landowner. — “ Notice ” boards. — Un-
christian-like feelings of Harris. — How Harris sings a
comic song.— A high-class party.— Shameful conduct of
two abandoned young men. —Some useless information,—
George buys a banjo.

We stoppedunder the willows hv Kempton Park,

and lunched. It is a pretty little spot there a :

pleasant grass plateau, running along by the water’s

edge, and overhung with willows. We had just
—
commenced the third course the bread and jam—
when a gentleman in shirt-sleeves and a short pipe
came along, and wanted to know if we knew that
we were trespassing. We we
said hadn’t given the
matter sufficient consideration as yet to enable us
to arrive at a definite Conclusionon that point, but
that, if he assured us on his word as a gentleman
that we were trespassing, we would, without further
hesitation, believe it.

He gave us the required assurance, and we thanked

Mm, but he still hung about, and seemed to be dis-
satisfied, so we asked him if there was anything
further that we could do for Mm and Harris who
;

is of a chummy disposition, offered Mm a bit of

bread and jam. ;
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 89

I fancy he must have belonged to some society

sworn to abstain from bread and jam ; for he de-
clined it quite gruffly, as if he were vexed at being
tempted with it, and he added that it was his duty
to turn us off.

Farris said that if it was a duty it ought to be

done, and asked the man what was his idea with
regard to the best means for accomplishing it. Harris
is what you would call a well-made man of about

number one size, and looks hard and bony, and the
man measured him up and down and said he would
,

go and consult his master, and then come back and

chuck us both into the river.
Of course, we never saw him any more, and, of
course, all he really wanted was a shilling. There
are a certain number of river -side roughs who make
quite an income, during the summer, by slouching
about the banks and blackmailing weak-minded
noodles in this way. They represent themselves as
sent by the proprietor. The proper course to pur-
sue is to offer your name and address, and leave the
owner, he really has anything to do with the
if

matter, to summon you, and prove what damage

you have done to his land by sitting down on a bit
of it.But the majority of people are so intensely
lazy and timid, that they prefer to encourage the
imposition %
giving in to it rather than put an end
Where it
to it by the exertion of a little firmness.
is really the owners that are to blame, they ought

to be shown up. The selfishness of the riparian

proprietor grows with every year. If these men had
100 THREE MEW IN A BOAT

their way they would close the River Thames alto,

gether. They actually do this along the minor
tributary streams and in the backwaters. They
drive posts into the bed of the stream, and draw
chains across from bank to bank, and nail huge
notice-boards on every tree. The sight of those
notice-boards rouses every evil instinct in my nature.
I feel I want to tear each one down, and hammer it
over the head of the man who put it up, until I have
killed him, and then I would bury him, and put the
board up over the grave as a tombstone.
I mentioned these feelings of mine to Harris, and
he said he had them worse than that. He said he not
only felt he wanted to kill the man who caused the
board to be put up, but that he should like to
slaughter the whole of his family and all his friends
and relations, and then burn down his house. This
seemed to me to be going too far, and I said so to
Harris but he answered
;

“Not a bit of it. Serve ’em all jolly well right,

and I’d go and sing comic songs on the mins. ’ 5

1 was vexed to hear Harris go on in this blood-

thirsty strain. W e never ought to allow our instincts
of justice to degenerate into mere vindictiveness. It
was a long while before I could get Harris to take
a more Christian view of the subject, but I sue-
ceeded at last, and he promised me that he would
spare the friends and relations at all events, and
would not sing comic songs on the ruins.
You have never heard Harris sing a comic song,
or you would understand the service I had rendered
 THREE MEM IN A BOAR 101

to mankind. It was one of Harris’ fixed ideas that

he can sing a comic song the fixed idea on the con-
;

trary among those of Harris’ friends who have

heard him try, is that he cant, and never will be
able to, and that he ought not to be allowed to try.
When Harris is at a party, and is asked to sing,
he replies; 44 Well, I can only sing a comic song, you
know and he says it in a tone that implies that
his singing of that however, is a thing that you
,

ought to hear at once, and then die.

“ Oh, that is nice,” sa\r s the hostess. “ Do sing
one, Mr. Harris;” and Harris gets up and makes for
the piano, with the beaming cheeriness of a gener-
ous minded man who is just about to give somebod }7
something.
44
How, silence, please, everybody,” says the
hostess, turning round “ Mr. Harris is going to
;
!”
sing a comic song
44
Oh, how jolly!” they murmur; and they hurry
in from the conservatory, and come up from the
stairs, and go and fetch each pther from all over the
house, and crowd into the drawing-room, and sit
round, all smirking in anticipation.
Then Harris begins.
“Well, you don’t, look for much of a voice in a comic
song. You don’t expect correct phrasing or vocal-
ization. You don’t mind if a man does find out,
when in the middle of a note, that he is too high,
and comes down with a jerk. You don’t bother
about tilne. You don’t mind a man being a few
bars in front of the accompaniment, and easing up
 102 THREE MEW IN A BOAT.

in the middle of a line to argue it out with the

pianist, and then starting the verse afresh. But you
do expect the words.
You don’t expect a man to never remember more
than the first three lines of the first verse, and to
keep on repeating these until it is time to begin the
chorus. You don’t expect a man to break off in the
middle of a line, and snigger, and say, it’s very
funny, but he’s blest if he can think of the rest of
it, and then try and make it up for himself, and

afterward suddenly recollect it, when he has got to

an entirely different part of the song, and break off,
without a word of warning, to go back and let you
—
have it then and there. You don’t well, I will just
give you an idea of Harris’ comic singing, and then
you can judge of it for yourself.
Harris {standing up in front of the piano and
addressing the expeetant mob): “I’m afraid it’s a
very old thing, you know. I expect you all know
it, you know. But it’s the only thing I know.
c
It’s the Judge’s song out of Pinafore ’
no, I don’t —
— —
mean "Pinafore’ I mean you know what I mean
—the other thing, you know. You must all join in
the chorus, you know.”
[ Murmurs of delight and anxiety to join in the
chorus Brilliant performance of prelude to the
.

Judge’s song in u Trial by Jury ” ^ by nervous

pianist Moment arrives for Harris to join in.
Harris takes no notice of it Nervous pianist com-
mences prelude over again, and Harris commencing ,

singing at the same time, dashes off the first two lines
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. m
of the First Lord's song out of “ Pinafore." Nerv-
ous pianist tries to push on with prehide gives it
,

up) and tries to follow Harris with accompaniment

to Judges song out of “ Trial hj Jury" funds that

doesn't answer and tries to recollect what he is doing y
,

and where he is, feels his mind, giving way, and stops
short.']'
u It*s all
Harris {with kindly encouragement) *
5’
right. You’re doing it very well, indeed—go on.
104 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.
<c
Nervous Pianist : I’m afraid there’s a mistake
somewhere. What are you singing ? 55

Harris (promptly) “ Why, the J udge’s song out

:

of 6
Trial by Jury Don’t you know it ? 55
.
5

Some Friend of Harris’ (from the bach of the

room): “ Ho, you’re not, you chuckle-head, you’re
singing the Admiral’s song from
6
Pinafore.’
{Long argument between Harris and Harris’
friend as to what Harris is really singing Friend .

finally suggests that it doesn't matter what Harris is

singing so long as Harris gets on and sings it, and
Harris with an evident sense of injustice rankling
,

inside him requests pianist to begin again Pianist .

,

thereupon, starts prelude to the Admiral's song, cmd

Harris, seizing what he considers to be a favorable
opening in the music, begins. ]

Harris :

u 4
When I was young and called to the Bar.* n

[ General roar of laughter, taken by Harris as a

compliment Pianist, thinking of his wife and

.

family ,
gives up the uneqxial contest and retires / his
place being taken by a stronger-nerved man.’]

The New Pianist (cheerily) :

u Now then, old
man, you start off, and I’ll follow. - We won’t
bother about any prelude.”
Harris (upon whom the explanation of matters has
slowly —
dawned laughing) a By Jove I beg your : !

—
pardon. Of course I’ve been mixing up the two-
 : I

THMEE MEM IM A BOAT. 105

songs. It was Jenkins confused me, yon know*

How then,’ 5

[Singing •
his voice appearing to come from the
cellar and suggesting the first low warnings of
an approaching earthquake .]
u 6
When I was young I served a term
As office-boy to an attorney’s firm.’ ”

(Aside to pianist) :
“ It is too low, old man ;
we’ll
have that over again, if you don’t mind.”
[Sings first two lines over again , in a high falsetto
this time Great surprise on the part of the
.

audience . Nervous old lady near the fire

begins to cry and has to he led outi\

Harris (continuing) :

«« 6
1 swept the windows and I swept the door
And I *

Ho—no, I cleaned the windows of the big front

door. And I polished np the floor no, dash it — —
beg vonr pardon —
funny thing. I can’t think of
that line. And I —
and I oh, well, we’ll, get on to—
the chorus, and chance it ” (sings)

“ * And I diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-de.
’
Till now I am the ruler of the Queen’s navee

How then chorus—it’s the last two lines repeated,

you know.” *
General Chorus :

**
And he diddle-did&le-did&le-diddle-diddle-diddleklee’dj
Till now he is the ruler of the Queen’s navee.”
106 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

And Harris never sees what an ass he is making

of himself, and how he is annoying a lot of people
who never did him any harm. He honestly imag-
ines that he has given them a treat, and says he
will sing another comic song after supper.
Speaking of comic songs and parties, reminds me
of a rather curious incident at which I once assisted;
which, as it throws much light upon the inner mental
working of human nature in general, ought, 1 think,
to be recorded in these pages.
We were a fashionable and highly cultured party.
We had on our best clothes, and we talked pretty,
and were very happy — all except two young
fellows, students, just returned from Germany,
commonplace young men, who seemed restless and
uncomfortable, as if they found the proceedings
slow. The truth was, we were too clever for them.
Our and our
brilliant but polished conversation,
were beyond them. They were
high-class tastes,
out of place among us. They never ought to have
been there at all. Everybody agreed upon that,
-
later on.
We played moroeaux from the old German
masters. We discussed philosophy and ethics. We
flirted with graceful dignity. We were even hu-
morous — in a high-class way.
Somebody French poem after supper,
recited a
and we said was beautiful; and then a lady sung
it

a sentimental ballad in Spanish and it made one or

—
two of us weep it was so pathetic.
And then those two young men got up, and asked
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. m
ifwe had ever heard Herr Slossenn Bosches {who
had just arrived, and was then down in the supper-
room) sing his great German comic song.
Hone of us had heard it, that we could re-
member.
The young men said it was the funniest song that
had ever been written, and that, if we liked, they
would get Herr Slossenn Boschen, whom they knew
very well, to sing it. They said it was so funny
that, when Herr Slossenn Boschen had sung it once
before the German Emperor, he (the German
Emperor), had had to be carried off to bed.
They said nobody could sing it like Herr Slossenn
Boschen he was so intensely serious all through it
;

that you might fancy he was reciting a tragedy, and

that, of course, made it all the funnier. They said
he never once suggested by his tone or manner that
—
he was singing anything funny that would spoil it.
It was his air of seriousness, almost of pathos, that
made it so irresistibly amusing.
We said we yearned to hear it, that we wanted a
good laugh ;
and they went ddwnstairs, and fetched
Herr Slossenn Boschen.
He
appeared to be quite pleased to sing it, for he
came up at once, and sat down to the piano without
another word.
a Oh, it w\ll amuse you. You will laugh,” whis-
pered the two young men, as they passed through
the room and took up an unobtrusive position be-
hind thq professor’s back,
Herr Slossenn Boschen accompanied himseli
 ;;

108 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

The prelude did not suggest a comic song exactly,

It was a weird, soulful
air. It quite made one’s
flesh creep ;
we murmured to one another that
but
it was the German method, and prepared to enjoy
it.

I don’t understand German myself. I learned it

at school, but forgot every word of it two years

after I had and have felt much better ever
left,

since. Still, not want the people there to

I did
guess my ignorance so I hit upon what I thought
;

to be rather a good idea. I kept my eye on the

two young students, and followed them. When
they tittered, I tittered when they roared, I roared
;

and I also threw in a little snigger all by myself

now and then, as if I had seen a bit of humor that
had escaped the others. I considered this particu-
larly artful on my part.
I noticed, as the song progressed, that a good
many other people seemed to have their eye fixed
on the two young men, as well as myself. These
other people also tittered when the young men
tittered, and roared when the young men roared
and, as the two young men tittered and roared and
exploded with laughter pretty continuously all
through the song, it went exceedingly well.
And yet that German professor did not seem
happy. At first, when we began to laugh, the ex-
pression of his 'face was one of intense surprise, as
if laughter were the very last thing he had expected

to be greeted with. We thought this very funny ;

we said his earnest manner was half the humor

 !

THREE MEN IN A BOAT 109

The slightest hint on his part that he knew how

funny he was would have completely mined it all
As we continued to laugh, his surprise gave way to
an air of annoyance and indignation, and he scowled
fiercely round upon us all (except upon the two
young men, who, being behind him, he could not
see). That sent us into convulsions. We told each
other it would be the death of us, this thing. The
words alone, we said, were enough to send us into
fits, but added to his mock seriousness —
oh, it was
too much
In the last verse, he surpassed himself. He
glowered round upon us with a look of such con-
centrated ferocity that, but for our being forewarned
as to the German method of comic singing, we
should have been nervous; and he threw such a
wailing note of agony into the weird music that, if
we had' not known it was a funny song, we might
have wept.
He finishedamid a perfect shriek of laughter. We
said it was the funniest thing we had ever heard in
all our lives. We said how strange it was that, in
the face of things like these, there should be a pop-
ular notion that the Germans hadn’t any sense of
humor. And we asked the professor why he didn’t
translate the song into English, so that the common
people could understand it, and hear what a real
comic song was like.

Then Herr Slossenn Boschen got up, and went on

awful. He swore at us in German (which
I should
Judge to be a singularly effective language for that
110 TERSE MSN IN A BOAT.

purpose), and he danced, and shook his fists, and

called us all the Englishhe knew. He said he had
never been so insulted in all his life.
It appeared that the song was not a comic song
at all. It was about a young girl who lived in the
Hartz Mountains, and who had given up her life to
save her lover’s soul and he died, and met her
;

spirit in the air ; and then, in the last verse, he jilted

—
her spirit, and went on with another spirit I’m not
quite sure of the details, but it was something very
sad, I know. Herr Bosch en said he had sung it
once before the German Emperor, and he (the Ger-
man Emperor) had sobbed like a little child. He
(Herr Boschen) said it was generally acknowledged
to be one of the most tragic and pathetic songs in
the German language.
it —
was a trying situation for us very trying.
There seemed to be no answer. We looked around
for the two young men who had done this thing,
but they had left the house in an unostentatious
manner immediately after the end of the song.
That was the end of that party. I never saw a
party break up so quietly, and with so little fuss.
We never said good-night even to one another. We
came downstairs one at a time, walking softly, and
keeping the shady side. We asked the servant for
our hats and coats in whispers, and opened the door
for ourselves,and slipped out, and got round the
corner quickly, avoiding each other as much as
possible,
I have never taken much interest in German songs
since then.
 THREE MEW IW A BOAT .
Ill

We reached Sunbury Lock -at half-past three.

The river is sweetly pretty. just there before you

come to the gates, and the backwater is charming

but don’t attempt to row up it.
I tried to do so once. I was sculling, and asked
the fellows who were steering if the} thought it 7,

could be done, and they said, oh, yes they thought

!

so, if I pulled hard. We were just under the little

foot-bridge that crosses it between the two wears,

when they and I bent down over the sculls,

said this,
and set myself up, and pulled.
I pulled splendidly. I got well into a steady,
rhythmical swing. I put my arms, and my legs, and
my back into it. I set myself a good, quick, dashing
stroke, and worked in really grand style. My two
friends said it was a pleasure to watch me. At the
end of five minutes I thought we ought to be pretty
near the' wear, and looked up. We were under the
bridge, in exactly the same spot that we were when
I began, and there were those two idiots, injuring
themselves by violent laughing. I had been grind'
ing away like mad to keep that boat stuck still under
that bridge. I let other people pull up backwaters
against strong streams now.
We sculled up to Walton, a rather large place for
a river-side town. As with all river-side places, only
the tiniest corner of it comes down to the water, so
that from She boat you might fancy it was a village
of some half dozen houses, all told. Windsor and
Abingdon are the only towns between London and
Oxford that von o&in really see any thing of from the
 a

112 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

stream. All the others hide round comers, and
merely peep at the river down one street; my
thanks to them for being so considerate, and leaving
the river-banks to woods and fields and waterworks.
Even Eeading, though it does its best to spoil and
sully and make hideous as much of the river as it
can reach, is good-natured enough to keep its ugly
face a good deal out of sight.
Caesar, of course, had a little place at Walton—
camp, or an intrenchment, or something of that sort.
Caesar was a regular up-river man. Also Queen
Elizabeth, she was there, too. You can never get
away from that woman, go where you will. Crom-
well and Bradshaw (not the guide man, but King
Charles’ head man) likewise sojourned here. They
must have been quite a pleasant little party, alto-
gether.
There is an iron “ scold’s ” in .Walton
bridle
Church. They used these things in ancient days for
curbing women’s tongues. They have given up the
attempt now. I suppose iron was getting scarce,
and nothing else would be strong enough.
There are also tombs of note in the church, and I
was afraid I should never get Harris past them ; but
he didn’t seem to think of them, and we went on.
Above the bridge the river winds tremendously.
This makes it look picturesque ; but it irritates you
from a towing or sculling point of view, 'and causes
argument between the man who is pulling and the
man who is steering.
You pass Oatlands Park on the right bank here.
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 113

It is a famous old place. Henry Till, stole it from

some one or the other, I forget whom now, and lived
in There is a grotto in the park which you can
it.

see for a fee, and which is supposed to be very

wonderful ; but I cannot see much in it myself. The
late Duchess of York, who lived at Oatlands, was
very fond of dogs, and kept an immense number.
She had a special graveyard made, in which to bury
them when they died, and there they lie, about fifty
of them, with a tombstone over each, and an epitaph
inscribed thereon. Well, I dare say they deserve it
quite as much as the average Christian does.
At “Corway Stakes” —
the first bend above
—
Walton Bridge was fought a battle between Caesar
and Cassivelaunus. Cassivelaunus had prepared the
river for Caesar, by planting it full of stakes (and
had, no doubt, put up a notice-board). But Caesar
crossed in spite of this. You couldn't choke Caesar
off that river. He is the sort of man we want round
the backwaters now.
Halliford and Sheppertom are both pretty little
spots where they touch the river; but there is

nothing remarkable about either of them. There

is a tomb in Shepperton Churchyard, however,

with a poem on it, and I was nervous lest Harris

should want to get out and fool round it. I saw
him fix a lohging eye on the landing-stage as we
drew near it, so I managed, by an adroit move-
ment, to jerk his cap into the water, and in the
excitement of recovering that, and his indignation
at my clumsiness, he forgot all about his beloved
graves.
ii4 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

At Wey bridge, the Wey (a pretty little stream,

navigable for small boats up to Guildford,
and one
which have always been making
I up my mind to
explore, and never have), the Bourne, and the
Basingstroke Canal all enter the Thames
together.

The lock is just opposite the town, and the first

thing we saw, when we came in view of it, was
closer in-
George’s blazer on one of the lock gates,
spection showing that George was inside it.

Montmorency set up a furious barking, I shrieked,

Harris roared George waved his hat,
and yelled
5

rushed out with a drag,

back. The lock-keeper
under the impression that somebody had fallen into
annoyed at finding that no
the lock, and appeared
one had.
George had rather a curious oilskin-covered parcel
in his hand. It was round and fiat at 'one ead,
with a long straight handle sticking out
of it.
?”
“What’s that?” said Harris—“a frying-pan
wild look
“No,” said George, with a strange,
in his eyes “ they are all the rage this
glittering ;

season ;
everybody has got them up the river. It’s

a banjo.”
“I never knew you played the banjo!” cried
Harris and I, in one breath.
“Not exactly,” replied George; “but it’s very
easy, they tell me; and I’ve got
the instruction
book P
 THREE MEM IW A BOAT. lift

CHAPTER IX.
George is introduced to work.— Heathenish instincts of tow-

lines.— Ungrateful conduct of a double-sculling skiff.

Towers and towed.— A use discovered for lovers.— Strange
disappearance of an elderly lady.— Much haste, less speed.
—Being towed by girls : exciting sensation.— The missing
lock, or the haunted river.—Music. —Saved !

We made George work, now we had got him.

He did not want to work, of course ; that goes with-
out saying. He had had a hard time in the City, so
he exclaimed. Harris, who is callous in his nature,
and not prone to pity, said
“Ah! and now you are going to have a hard
time on the river for a change change is good for
;

every one. Out you get!”

He could not in conscience —not even George’s
conscience — object, though he did suggest that, per-
haps, would be better for him to stop in the boat,
it

and get tea ready, while Harris and I towed,

because getting tea was such a worrying work, and
Harris and I looked tired. The only reply we made
ta this, however, was to pass him over the tow-line,
and he took it and stepped out.
There is something very strange and unaccount-
able abeufc a tow-line. You roll it up with as much
patience and care as you would take to fold up a
116 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

new pair of trousers, and five minutes afterward,

when you pick it up, it is one ghastly, soul-revolt-

ing tangle.
I do not wish to be insulting, but I firmly believe
that if you took an average tow-line, and stretched
it out straight across the middle of a field, and then

turned your back on it for thirty seconds, that,

when you looked around again, you would find that

it had got altogether in a heap in the middle

itself
and had twisted itself up, and tied itself
of the field,
into knots, and lost its two ends, and become all
loops ; and it would take you a good half-hour,
sitting down there on the grass and swearing all the
while, to disentangle it again.
That is my opinion of tow-lines in general. Of
course, there may be honorable exceptions ; I do not
say that there are not. There may be tow-lines
that are a credit to their profession conscientous, —
—
respectable tow-lines -tow-lines that do not imagine
they are crochet work, and try to knit themselves
up into antimacassars the instant they are left to
 ;

THREE MEW IN A BOAT. 117

themselves. I say there may be such tow-lines 1 ;

sincerely hope there are. But I have not met with

them.
This tow-line I had taken in myself just before
we had got to the lock. 1 would not let Harris
touch it because he is careless. I had looped it
round slowly and cautiously, and tied it up in the
middle, and folded it in two, and laid it down gently
at the bottom of the boat. Harris had lifted it up
scientifically, and had put it into George’s hand.
George had taken it firmly, and held it away from
him, and had begun to unravel it as if he were
taking the swaddling clothes off a new-born infant
and before he had unwound a dozen yards, the thing
was more like a badly made door-mat than anything
else.
always the same, and the same sort of thing
It is
always goes on in connection with it. The man on
the bank, who is trying to disentangle it, thinks all
the fault lies with the man who rolled it up and ;

when a man up the river thinks a thing, he says it.

a What have you been trying to do with it, make

a fishing net of it? You’ve made a nice mess, you

have why couldn’t you wind it up properly, you
;

silly dummy ?” he grunts from time to time as he

struggles wildly with it, and lays it out flat on the
tow-path, and runs round and round it, trying to
find the end.
On the other hand, the man who wound it up
thinks tjie whole cause of the muddle rests with the

man who is trying to unwind it.

118 THEBE MEN IN A BOAT ,

“ It was all right when yon took it !” he exclaims

indignantly. uWhy don’t yon think what yon are
doing? You go about things in such a slap-dash
style. You’d get a scaffolding pole entangled, you
would !”

And then they feel so angry with one another that

they would like to hang each other with the thing.
Ten minutes go by, and the first man gives a yell
and goes mad, and dances on the rope, and tries to
pull it straight by seizing hold of the first piece that
comes to his hand and hauling at it. Of course this
only gets it into a tighter tangle than ever. Then
the second man climbs out of the boat and comes to
help him, and then they get in each other’s way and
hinder one another. They both get hold of the
same bit of line, and pull at it in opposite directions,
and wonder where it is caught. In the end, they do
get it clear, and then turn round and find that the
boat has drifted off, and is making straight for the
wear.
This really happened once to my own knowledge.
It was up by Boveney^, one rather windy morning.
We were pulling down stream, and, as we came
round the bend, we noticed a couple of men on the
bank. They were looking at each other with as
bewildered and helplessly miserable an expression
as I have ever witnessed on any human„countena.nee
before or since, and they held a long tow-line
between them. It was clear that something had
happened, so we eased up and asked them what was
the matter.
 THREE MEET IF A BOAT m
w Why, ourboat’s gone off !” they replied, in an
indignant tone. “ We just got out to disentangle
the tow-line, and when we looked round, it was
!”
gone
And they seemed hurt at what they evidently re-
garded as a mean and ungrateful act on the part of
the boat.
We found the truant for them half a mile further
down, held by some rushes, and we brought it back
to them. I bet they did not give that boat another
chance for a week. I shall never forget the picture
of those two men walking up and down the bank
with a tow-line, looking for their boat.
One sees a good many funny incidents up the
river in connection with towing. One of the most
common is the sight of a couple of towers, walking
briskly along, deep in an animated discussion, while
the man in the boat, a hundred yards behind them,
is vainly shrieking to them to stop, and making
frantic signs of distress with a scull. Something
has gone wrong the rudder has come off, or the
;

boat-hook has slipped overboard, or his hat has

dropped into the water and is float-
ing rapidly down stream. He calls to
them to stop, quite gently and
politely at first.

“Hi! stop a minute, will you?” he shouts cheer-

ily. “ I’ve dropped my hat overboard.”
: —
Then “ Hi! Tom Dick can’t you hear ?” not !

quite so, affably this time.

Then: “Hi! Confound ym r
you dander-headed
idiots ! Hi ! stop l Oh- you--
120 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.
After that he springs up, and dances about, and
roars himself red in the face, and curses everything
he knows. And the small boys on the bank stop
and jeer at him, and pitch stones at him as he is
pulled along past them, at the rate of four miles an
hour, and can’t get out.
Much of this sort of trouble would be saved if
those who are towing would keep remembering that
they are towing, and give a pretty frequent look
round to see how their man is getting on. It is best
to let one person tow. "When two are doing it, they
get chattering, and forget, and the boat itself, offer-
ing, as it does, but little resistance, is of no real
service in reminding them of the fact.
As an example of how utterly oblivious a pair of
towers can be to their work, George told us, later
on in the evening, when we were discussing the
subject after supper, of a very curious instance.
jHe and three other men, so he said, were sculling
a very heavily laden boat up from Maidenhead one
evening, and a little above Cookham Lock they
noticed a fellow and a- girl walking along the tow-
path, both deep in an apparently interesting and
absorbing conversation. They were carrying a boat-
hook between them, and attached to the boat-hook
was a tow-line, which trailed behind them, its end
in the water. No boat was near, no boat was in
sight. There must have been a boat' attached' to
that tow-line at some time or other, that was cer-
tain ; but what had become of it, what ghastly fate
had overtaken it, and those who had been left in it,
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. If!

was buried in mystery. "Whatever the accident may

have been, however, it had in no way disturbed the
young lady and gentleman who were towing. They
had the boat-hook and they had the line, and that
seemed to be all that they thought necessary to
their work.
George was about to call out and wake them up,
moment a bright idea flashed across him
but at that

and he dicing. He got the hitcher instead, and,

reached over, and drew in the end of the tow-line ;
and thev made a loop in it, and put it over their
mast, and then they tidied up the sculls, and went
and sat down and lighted their pipes,
in the stern,
And that young man and young woman towed
those four hulking chaps and a heavy boat up to
Marlow.
GeorgS said he never saw so much thoughtful
sadness concentrated into one glance before, as
 :

122 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

when, at the lock, that young couple grasped the

idea that, for the last two miles, they had been
towing the wrong boat. George fancied that, if it
had not been for the restraining influence of the
sweet woman at his side, the young man might have
given way to violent language.
The maiden was the first to recover from her
surprise, and when she did, she clasped her hands,
and said wildly
“ Oh, Henry, then where is auntie ?”
“ Did they ever recover the old lady ?” asked
Harris.
George replied he did not know.

Another example of the dangerous want of

sympathy between the tower and towed was wit-
nessed by George and myself once up near Walton.
It was where the tow-path shelves gently down into
the water, and we were camping on the opposite
bank, noticing things in general. By and by a
small boat came in sight, towed through the water
at a tremendous pace by a powerful barge horse,
on which sat a very small boy. Scattered about
the boat, in dreamy and reposeful attitudes, lay five
fellows, the man who was steering having a partic-
ularly restful appearance.
“ I should like to see him pull t.he rwrong line,”
murmured George, as they passed. And at that
precise moment the man did it, and the boat rushed
up the bank with a noise like the ripping up of forty
thousand linen sheets. Two men, a hamper, and
 TEHEE MEN IN A BOAT. 12S

three oars immediately left the boat on the larboard

side, and reclined on the bank, and one and a half
moments afterward, two other men disembarked
from the starboard, and sat down among boat-hooks
and sails and carpet-bags and bottles. The last
man went on twenty yards further, and then got
out on his head.
This seemed to sort of lighten the boat, and it
went on much easier, the small boy shouting at the
top of his voice, and urging his steed into a gallop.
The fellows sat up and stared at one another. It
was some seconds before they realized what
had happened to them, but, when they did, they
began to shout lustily for the boy to stop. He,
however, was too much occupied with the horse to
hear them, and we watched them, flying after him,
until the distance hid them from view.
I cannot say I was sorry at their mishap. Indeed,
I only wish that all the young fools who have their
— —
boats towed in this fashion and plenty do could
meet with similar misfortunes. Besides the risk
they run themselves, they become a danger and an
annoyance to every other boat they pass. Going
at the pace they do, it is impossible for them to get

out of anybody else’s way, or for anybody else to

get out of theirs. Their line gets hitched across
your mast, and overturns you, or it catches some-
body in the boat, and either throws them into the
water, or cuts their face open. The best plan is to
stand your ground, and be prepared to keep them
off with the butt-end of a mast.
124 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

Of all experiences in connection with towing, the

most exciting is being towed by girls. It is a sen-
sation that nobody ought to miss. It takes three
girls to tow always ;
two hold the rope, and the
other one runs round and round, and giggles

They generally begin by getting themselves tied up.

They get the line round their legs, and have to sit
down on the path and undo each other, and then
they twist it round their necks, and are nearly
strangled. They fix it straight, however, at last,
and start off at a run, pulling the boat along at
quite a dangerous pace. At the end $f a hundred
yards they are naturally breathless, and suddenly
stop, and all sit down on the grass and laugh, and
your boat drifts out to midstream and turns round,
before you know vrhat has happened, or can get
 THREE MEN IN A BOA T. 125

hold of a scull. Then they stand up, and are sur-

prised.
“ Oh, look !” they say “ he’s gone right out into
;

the middle.”
They on pretty steadity for a bit, after this,
pull
and then at once occurs to one of them that
it all

she will pin up her frock, and they ease up for the
purpose, and the boat runs aground.
You jump up, and push it off, and you shout to
them not to stop.
“ Yes. What’s the matter?” they shout back.
u Don’t stop,” you roar.
“ Don’t what ?”
u Don’t stop
“
—go on—go on !”

Go back, Emily, and see what it is they want,9

says one ;
and Emily comes back, and asks what it

is.
“ What do you want V
*
she says ;
“ anything
happened ?”
“ No,” you reply, it’s all right; only go on, you
know —don’t stop.”
“ Why V
not ?”

Why, we can’t steer, if yon keep stopping. Yon

“
must keep some way on the boat.”
“ Keep some what ?”

—
“ Some way yon must keep the boat moving.”
“ Oh, ail right, I’ll tell ’em. Are we doing it .il
right ?”
“ Oh, yes, very nicely, indeed, only don’t stop.”
“ It dogsn’t seem difficult at all. I thought it was
so bard.”
126 TEUEE MEM IM A BOAT,

“Oh, no, it’s simple enough. You want to keep

on steady at it, that's all.”
“ I see. Give me out my red shawl, it’s under the
cushion.”
You find the shawl, and hand it out, and by this
time another one has come back and thinks she will
have hers too, and they take Mary’s on chance, and
Mary does not want it, so they bring it back and
have a pocket-comb instead. It is about twenty
minutes before they get off again, and at the next
corner they see a cow, and you have to leave the
boat to chivvy the cow out of their way.
There is never a dull moment in the boat, while
girls are towing it.

George got the line right after awhile, and towed

us steadily on to Penton Hook. There we discussed
the important question of camping. ¥e had de-
cided to sleep on board that night, and we had
either to lay up just about there, or go on past
Staines. It seemed early to think about shutting
up then, however, with the sun still in the heavens,
and we settled to push straight on for Runny mead,
three and a half miles further, a quiet wooded part
of the river, and where there is good shelter.
We all wished, however, afterward, that we had
stopped at Penton Hook. Three or *four mile^ up
stream is a trifle, early in the morning, but it is a
weary end of a long day. You take no
pull at the
interest in the scenery during these last 'few miles.
You do not chat and laugh. Every half mile you
 —

TEHEE MEM IMA BOAT. '

127

cover seems like two. Foil can hardly believe you

are only where you are, and you are convinced that
the map must be wrong ; and, when you have
trudged along for what seems to you at least ten
miles, and still the lock is not in sight, you begin to
seriously fear that somebody must have sneaked it,
and run off with it.
I remember being terribly upset once up the river
(in a figurative sense, I mean). I was out with a
—
young lady cousin on my mother’s side and we —
were pulling down to Goring. It was rather late,
—
and we were anxious to get in at least she was
anxious to get in. It was half-past six when we
reached Benson’s Lock, and dusk was drawing on,
and she began to get excited then. She said she
must be in to supper. I said it was a thing I felt I
wanted to be in at, too and I drew out a map I
;

had with me to see exactly how far it was. I saw

it was just a mile and a half to the next lock

—
Wallingford and five on from there to Cleeve.
“ Oh, it’s all right !” I said. “ Well be through
the next lock before seven, and then there *s only
one more and I settled down and pulled steadily
away.
We passed the bridge, and soon aiter that I asked
if she saw the lock. She said no, she did not see
any lock; aqd I said, “Oh!” and pulled on. An-
other five minutes went by, and then I asked her to
look again.
“No,” she said; “I can’t see any signs of a
lock.”
128 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

“ You—you are sure you Know a look when you

do see one ?” I asked hesitatingly, not wishing to
offend her.
The question did offend her, however, and she
suggested that I had better look for myself so I ;

laid down the sculls, and took a view. The river

stretched out straight before us in the twilight for
about a mile not a ghost of a lock was to be seen.
;

“ You we have lost our way, do you V

don’t think
asked my companion.
I did not see how that was possible though, as I
;

suggested, we might have somehow get into the

wear stream, and be making for the falls.
This idea did not comfort her in the least, and
she began to cry. She said we should both be
drowned, and that it was a judgment on her for
coining out with me.
It seemed an excessive punishment, I thought ; but
my cousin thought not, and hoped it would ail soon
be over.
I tried to reassure her, and to make light of the
whole affair. I said that the fact evidently was that
I was not rowing as fast as I fancied I was, but that
we should soon reach the lock now ; and I pulled on
for another mile.
Then began to get nervous myself. I looked
I
again at the map. There was Wallingford Loek,
clearly marked, a mile and a half below Benson’s.
It was a good, reliable map and, besides, I recol-
;

lected the lock myself. I had been through it

twice. Where were we? What had happened to
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 189

m ? I began to think it must be all a dream, and

that 1 was really asleep in bed, and should wake up
in ,a minute, and be told it was past ten.
I asked my cousin if she thought it could be a
dream, and she replied that she was just about to
ask me the same question and then we both won-
;

dered if we were both asleep and if so, who was ;

the real one that was dreaming, and who was the
one that was only a dream it got quite interesting,
;

I still went on pulling, however, and still no lock

came in sight, and the river grew more and more
gloomy and mysterious under the gathering shadows
of night, and things seemed to be getting weird and
uncanny. I thought of hobgoblins and banshees,
and will-o’-the-wisps, and those wicked girls who sit
up all night on rocks, and lure people into whirl-
pools and things and I wished I had been a better
;

man, and knew more hymns and in the middle of ;

these reflections I heard the blessed strains of “ He’s

got ’em on,” played badly on a concertina, and knew
that we were saved.
I do not admire the tones, of a concertina, as a
rule but oh how beautiful the music seemed to us
; !

—
both then far, far more beautiful than the voice of
Orpheus or the lute of Apollo, or anything of that
sort could have sounded. Heavenly melody, in our
then state of mind, would only have still further
harrowed us! A soul-moving harmony, correctly
performed, we should have taken as aspirit- warning,
and have given up all hope. But about the strains
of u He’s got ’em on,” jerked spasmodically, and
 THEWS MEN IN A BOAT

with involuntary variations, out of a wheezy accor*

dion, therewas something singularly human and
reassuring.
The sweet sounds drew nearer, and soon the boat
from which they were worked lay alongside us.
It contained a party of provincial ’Arrys and
’Arriets, out for a moonlight sail. (There was not
any moon, but that was not their fault.) I never

.-,a
;

•w;^-,,i

saw more attractive, lovable people in all my life.

I hailed them, and asked if they could tell me the

way to Wallingford Lock; and I explained that I
had been looking for it for the last two hours.
a Wallingford Lock !” they answered. “ Lor’ love

you, sir, that’s been done away with for over a year.
There ain’t no Wallingford Lock now, sir. You’re
close to Cleave now. Blow me tight if ’eye ain’t a
gentleman been looking for Wallingford Lock,
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. m
1 had never thought of that. I wanted to fall
upon all their necks and bless them but the stream
;

was running too strong just there to allow of this,

so I had to content myself with mere cold-sounding
words of gratitude.
We thanked them over and over again, and we
said it was a lovely night, and we wished them a
pleasant trip, and, I think, I invited them all to
come and spend a week with me, and my cousin
said her mother would be pleased to see them. And
we sung the soldier’s chorus out of “ Faust 55 and got

home in time for supper after all

 —

132 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

CHAPTER X,

Our first night. —Under canvas. —An appeal for help. —Con-
trariness of teakettles, how to overcome. — Supper.
How to feel virtuous. — Wanted !a comfortably appointed
well-drained desert island, neighborhood of South Pacific
Ocean preferred. —Funny thing that happened to George’s
father. —A restless night.
Hakkis and I began to think that Bell Wear Lock
must have been done away with after the same man-
ner. George had towed us up to Staines, and we
had taken the boat from there, and it seemed that
we were dragging fifty tons after us, and were
walking forty miles. It was half-past seven when
we were through and we all got in, and sculled
;

up close to the left bank, looking out for a spot to

haul up in.
We had originally intended to go on to Magna
Charta Island, a sweetly pretty part of the river,
where it winds through a soft, green valley, and to
camp in one of the many picturesque inlets to be
found round that tiny shore. But, somehow, we
did not feel that we yearned for the picturesque
nearly so much now as we had earlier in the day
A bit of water between a coal barge and a gas-
works would have quite satisfied us for that night.
We did not want scenery. We wanted to have our
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 133

supper and go to bed. However, we did pull up to

the point— 44
—
Picnic Point ” it is called and dropped
into a very pleasant nook under a great elm tree, to
the spreading roots of which we fastened the boat.
Then we thought we were going to have supper
(we had dispensed with tea, so as to save time), but
George said no ; that we had better get the canvas,
up first, before it got quite dark, and while we could-
see what we were doing. Then, he said, all our
work would be done, and we could sit down to eat
with an easy mind.
That canvas wanted more putting up than I
think any of us had bargained for. It looked so
simple in the abstract. You took five iron arches,,
like gigantic croquet hoops, and fitted them up over
the boat, and then stretched the canvas over them,
and fastened it down: it would take quite ten
minutes we thought.
That was an underestimate.
We took up the hoops, and began to drop them
into the sockets placed for them. You would not
imagine this to be dangerous work but, looking
;

back now, the wonder to me is that any of us are

alive to tell the tale. They were not hoops, they
were demons. First they would not fit into their
sockets at all, and we had to jump on them, and kick
thejn, and hammer at them with the boat-hook;
and, when the } were in, it turned out that they
7

were the wrong hoops for those particular sockets,,

and they* had to come out again.
But they would not come out, until two of us had
134 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

gone and straggled with them for five minutes,

when they would jump up suddenly and try and
throw us into the water and drown us. They had
hinges in the middle, and, when we were not look-
ing, they nipped us with these hinges in delicate
parts of the body ;
and, while we were wrestling
with one side of the hoop, and endeavoring to per-
suade it to do its duty, the other side would come
behind us in a cowardly manner, and hit us over the
head.
We got them fixed at last, and then all that was
to be done was to arrange the covering over them.
George unrolled it, and fastened one end over the
nose of the boat. Harris stood in the middle to
take it from George and roll it on to me, and I kept
by the stern to receive it. It was a long time
coming down to me. George did his part all right,
but it was new work to Harris, and he bungled it.
How he managed it I do not know, he could not
explain himself; but by some mysterious pro-
cess or other he succeeded, after ten minutes of
superhuman effort, m getting himself completely
rolled up in it. He was so firmly wrapped round
and tucked in and folded over, that he could not
get out. He, of course, made frantic struggles for
freedom— the birthright of every Englishman—and,
in doing so (I learned this afterward), knocked over
George; and then George, swearing at Harris,
began to struggle too, and got himself entangled
and rolled up. f

I knew nothing about all this at the time. I did

 THREE MEN .IN A BOAT. 135

not understand the business at all myself. I had

been told to stand where I was, and wait till the
canvas came to me, and Montmorency and I stood
there and waited, both as good as gold. We could
see the canvas being violently jerked and tossed
about pretty considerably but we supposed this
;

was part of the method, and did not interfere.

We also heard much smothered language coming

from underneath it,and we guessed that they were
finding the j,ob rather troublesome, and concluded
that we would wait until things had got a little
simpler before we joined in.

We waited some time, but matters seemed to get

only more and more involved, until, at last, G-eorge’s
m THREE MEfl W A BOAT .

head came wriggling out over the side of the boat,

and spoke up.
It said
“ Give us a hand here, can’t you, you cuckoo
standing there like a stuffed mummy, when you see
we are both being suffocated, you dummy P
1 never could withstand an appeal for help, so 1

went and undid them not before it was time, either,

;

for Harris was nearly black in the face.

It took us half an hour’s hard labor, after that,
before it was properly up, and then we cleared the
decks, and got our supper. We put the kettle on
to boil, up in the nose of the boat, and went do wn
to the stern and pretended to take no notice of it,
but set to work to get the other things out.
That is the only way to get a kettle to boil up the
river. If it sees that you are waiting for it and are
anxious, it will never even sing. You have to go
away and begin your meal, as if you were not going
to have any tea at ail. You must not even look
round at it. Then yoij will soon hear it sputtering
away, mad to be made into tea.
It is a good plan, too, if you are in a great hurry,
to talk very loudly to each other about how you
don’t need any tea, and are not going to have any.
You get near the kettle, so that it can overhear you,
and then you shout out, “ I don’t wantany tea; vio
you, George ?” to which George shouts back, “ Oh,
no, I don’t like tea we’ll have lemonade instead
;

tea’s so indigestible/’ Upon which the kettle boils

over, and puts the stove out
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT m
We adopted harmless bit of trickery, and the
this
result was by the time everything else was
that,
ready, the tea was waiting. Then we lighted the
lantern, and squatted down to supper.
We wanted that supper.
For five-and-thirty minutes not a sound was
heard throughout the length and breadth of that
boat, save the clank of cutlery and crockery, and
the steady grinding of four sets of molars. At the
end of five-and-thirty minutes, Harris said, “ Ah P
and took his left leg out from under him, and put
his right one there instead.
Five minutes afterward, George said, “ Ah P too,
and threw his plate out on the bank and, three ;

minutes later than that, Montmorency gave the first

sign of contentment he had exhibited since we had
started, and rolled over on his side, and spread his
legs out and then I said, u Ah P and bent my head
;

back, and bumped it against one of the hoops, but I

did not mind it. I did not even swear.
—
How good one feels when one is full how satis-
fied with ourselves and with the world! People
who have tried it, tell me that a clear conscience
makes you very happy and contented but a full ;

stomach does the business quite as well, and is

cheaper, and more easily obtained. One feels
m forgiving and generous after a substantial and
—
well-digested meal so noble-minded, so kindly
hearted.
It is ‘Very strange, this domination of our intellect
by our digestive organs. We cannot work, we can*
 ;

138 THREE MEW IN A BOAT

not think, unless our stomachs will so. It dictates

to us our emotions, our passions. After eggs and
bacon it says “ Work !” After beafsteak and porter
it says
a Sleep !” After a cup of tea (two spoonfuls
for each cup, and don’t let it stand more than three
minutes), it says to the brain, “ Now
and showrise
your strength. Be and tender,
eloquent, and deep,
see, with a clear eye, into nature and into life
spread your white wings of quivering thought, and
soar, a god-like spirit, over the whirling world be-
neath you, up through long lanes of flaming stars to
the gates of eternity !”
After hot muffins it says, “ Be dull and soulless,
like a beast of the field —
a brainless animal, with
listless eye, unlighted by any ray of fancy, or of
hope, or fear, or love, or life.” And after brandy,
taken in sufficient quantity, it says, “ Now come,
fool, grin and tumble, that your fellow-men may
laugh —drivel in folly, and splutter in senseless
sounds, and show what a helpless ninny is poor man
whose wit and will are drowned, like kittens, side
by side, in half an inch of alcohol.”
We are but the veriest, sorriest slaves of our
stomach. after morality and righteous-
Beach not
ness, my watch vigilantly your stomach,
friends ;

and diet it with care and judgment. Then virtue

and contentment will come and reigrf within your
heart, unsought by any effort of your own and you ;

will be a good citizen, a loving husband, and a

—
tender father a noble, pious man.
Before our supper Harris and George and I were
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 139

quarrelsome and snappy and ill-tempered after our

;

supper we sat and beamed on one another, and we

beamed upon the dog, too. We loved one another,,
we loved everybody. Harris, in moving about, trod
on George’s corn. Had this happened before supper,
George would have expressed wishes and desires
concerning Harris’ fate in this world and the next
that would have made a thoughtful man shudder.
As it was, he said: “ Steady, old man; ’ware
wheat.”
And Harris, instead of merely observing, in Ms
most unpleasant tones, that a fellow could hardly
help treading on some bit of George’s foot, if he had
to move about at all within ten yards of where
George was sitting, suggesting that George never
ought to come into an ordinary-sized boat with feet
that length, and advising him to hang them over
the side, as he would have done before supper, now
said :
u Oh, I’m so sorry, old chap I hope I haven’t
;

hurt you.”
And George said “Hot at all
: that it was his
fault and
;
Harris said no, it was his.

It was quite pretty to hear them.

We lighted our pipes, and sat looking out on the
quiet night, and talked.
George said why could not we be always like this
— 3, way from, the world, with its sin and temptation*

leading sober, peaceful lives, and doing good. I said

it was the sort of thing I had often longed for my-

self ;
and we discussed the possibility of our going
away, we four, to some handy, well-fitted desert
island, and living there in the woods.
140 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

Harris said that the danger about desert islands,

as far as hehad heard, was that they were so damp ;

but George said no, not if properly drained.

And then we got on to drains, and that put
George in mind of a very funny thing that hap-
pened to his father once. He said his father was
traveling with another fellow through Wales, and

one night they stopped at a little inn where there

were some other fellows, and they joined the other
fellows, and spent the evening with them.
They had a very jolly evening, and sat up late,
and, by the time they came to go to bed, they (this
was when George’s father was a very young man)
were slightly jolly, too. They (George’S father and
George’s father’s friend) were to sleep in the same
room, but in different beds. They took the candle,
and went up. The candle lurched up against the
wall when they got into the room, and went out,
 : :

THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 141

and they had to undress and grope into bed in the

dark. This they did but, instead of getting into
;

separate beds, as they thought they were doing,

they both climbed into the same one without know-
—
ing it one getting in with his head at the top, and
the other crawling in from the other side of the
compass, and lying with his feet on the pillow.
There was silence for a moment, and then
George's father said
“Joe!”
“ What’s the matter, Tom ?” replied Joe’s voice
from the other end of the bed.
“ Why there’s a man in my bed,” said George’s
father ; “ here’s his feet on my pillow.”
“Well, it’s an extraordinary thing, Tom,” an-
swered the other ; “ but I’m blessed if there isn’t a
man in my bed, too !”
“What are you going to do?” asked George’s
father.
“Well, I’m going to chuck him out,” replied Joe.
“ So am I,” said George’s,father valiantly.
There was a brief struggle, followed by two
heavy bumps on the floor, and then a rather doleful
voice said
“ I say, Tom !”
“Yes!”
’ “ How have you got on
“ Well, to tell you the truth, my man’s chucked
me out.”
“So’s mine! I say, I don’t think much of this
inn, do you ?”
 —

142 THEBE MEN IN A BOAT.

“What was the name of that inn ?” said Harris.

“ The Pig and Whistle,” said George. “ Why P
“Ah, no, then it isn’t the same,” replied Harris.
“What do you mean?” queried George.
“ Why it’s so curious,” murmured Harris, “ but
precisely that very same thing happened to my
father once at a country inn. I’ve often heard him
tell the tale. I thought it might have been the
same inn.”

We turned in at ten that night, and I thought I

should sleep well, being tired but I didn’t. As a
;

rule, I undress and put my head on the pillow, and

then somebody bangs at the door, and says it is
half-past eight; but to-night everything seemed
against me ;
the novelty of it all, the hardness of

the boat, the cramped position(I was lying with my

feetunder one seat, and my head on another), the

sound of the lapping water round the boat, and the
wind among the branches, kept me restless and
disturbed.
r
I did get to sleep for. a few hours, and then some
part of the boat which seemed to have grown up in
the night —for it certainly was not there when we
started, and it had disappeared by the morning
kept digging intomy spine. I slept through it for
awhile, dreaming that I had swallowed a*-$overeig%
and that they were cutting a hole in my back with
a gimlet, so as to try and get it out. I thought it
very unkind of them, and I told them I would owe
them the money, and they should have it at the end
 —

THREE MEN IN A BOAT 143

of the month. But they would not hear of that,

and said would be much better if they had if
it

then, because otherwise the interest would accumu-

late so. I got quite cross with them after a bit, and
told them wdiat I thought of them, and then they
gave the gimlet such an excruciating wrench that I
woke up.
The boat seemed stuffy, and my head ached so ;

I thought I would step out into the cool night air.

I slipped on what clothes I could find about — some
of my own, and some of George’s and Harris’ and —
crept under the canvas on to the bank.
It was a glorious night. The moon had sunk, and
left the quiet earth alone with the stars. It seemed
as if, in the silence and the hush, while we her chil-
dren slept, they were talking with her, their sister
conversing of mighty mysteries in voices too vast
and deep for childish human ears to catch the
sound.
They awe us, these strange stars, so cold, so clear.
We are as children whose .small feet have strayed
into some dim-lighted temple of the god they have
been taught to worship but know not ; and, stand-
ing where the echoing dome spans the long vista of
the shadowy light, glance up, half hoping, half
afraid to see some awful vision hovering there,
jind yet i£ seems so full of comfort and of strength,
the night. In its great presence, our small sorrows
creep away ashamed. The day has been so full of
fret and care, and our hearts have been so full of
evil and of bitter thoughts, and the world has
144 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

seemed so hard and wrong to us. Then night, like

some great loving mother, gently lays her hand
upon our fevered head, and turns our little tear-
stained faces up to hers, and smiles and, though
;

she does not speak, we know what she would say,

and lay our hot flushed cheek against her bosom,
and the pain is gone.
Sometimes our pain is very deep and real, and we
stand before her very silent, because there is no
language for our pain, only a moan. Night’s heart
is full of pity for us she cannot ease our aching
;

she takes our hand in hers, and the little world

grows very small and very far away beneath us,
and borne on her dark wings, we pass for a moment
into a mightier Presence than her own, and in the
wondrous light of that great Presence, all human
life lies like a book before us, and vre know that

Pain and Sorrow are but the angels of God.

Only those who have worn the crown of suffering
can look upon that wondrous light and they, when
;

they return, may not speak of it, or tell the mystery

they know.
Once upon a time, through a strange country
there rode some goodly knights, and their path lay
by a deep wood, w here tangled briers grew very
r

thick and strong, and tore the flesh of them that

lost their way therein. And the leavesc of the trees
that grew in the wood were very dark and thick,
so that no ray of light came through the branches
c
to lighten the gloom and sadness.
And, as they passed by that dark wood, one
 ;

THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 145

knight of those that rode, missing his comrades,

wandered far away, and returned to them no more
and the}', sorely grieving, rode on without him,
mourning him as one dead.
r
]\ow, when they reached the fair castle toward
which they had been journeying, they stayed there
many days, and made merry and one night, as
;

they sat in cheerful ease around the logs that burned

in the great hall, and drank a loving measure, there
came the comrade they had lost, and greeted them.
His clothes were ragged, like a beggar’s, and many
sad wounds were on his sweet flesh, but upon his
face there shone a great radiance of deep joy.
And they questioned him, asking him what had
befallen him ;
and he told them how in the dark
wood lie had lost his way, and had wandered many
days and, nights, till, torn and bleeding, he had lain
him down to die.
Then, when he was nigh unto death, lo through
!

the savage gloom there came to him a stately

maiden, and took him by the hand and led him on
through devious paths, unknown to any man, until
upon the darkness of the wood there dawned a light
such as the light of day was unto but as a little
lamp unto the sun and, in that wondrous light,
;

our wayworn knight saw, as in a dream, a vision,

and so glorious, so fair the vision seemed, that of
his bleeding wounds he thought no more, but stood
as one entranced, whose joy is deep as is the sea,
whereof no man can tell the depth.
And the vision faded, and the knight, kneeling
 ;

148 THREE MEW 1W A BOAT.

upon the ground, thanked the good saint who into

that sad wood had strayed his steps, so he had seen
the vision that lay there hid.
And the name of the dark forest was Sorrow
but of the vision that the good knight saw therein
we may not speak nor tell.
 \ —

THREE MEN IN A BOAT, 147

CHAPTEK XL
How George, once upon a time, got up early in the morn-
ing. —George, Harris and Montmorency do not like the
look of the cold water.— Heroism and determination on
the part of J.— George and his shirt: story with a moral.
Harris as cook. —Historical retrospect, specially inserted
for the use of schools.

I woke at next morning, and found George

six the
awake too. We both
turned round and tried to go
to sleep again, but we could not. Had there been
any particular reason why we should not have gone
to sleep again but have got up and dressed then and
there we should have dropped off while we were
looking at our watches and have slept till ten. As
there was no earthly necessity for our getting up
under another two hours at the verv least, and our
getting up at that time was an utter absurdity, it

was only in keeping with the natural cussedness of

things in general that we should both feel that
lying down for five minutes more would be death
to us.
• George^ said that the same kind of thing, only
worse, had happened to him some eighteen months
ago, when he was lodging by himself in the house
He said his watch
of a ^certain Mrs. Gippings.
went wrong one evening and stopped at a quarter
148 THEBE MEN IN A BOAT

past eight. He did not know this at the time, be-

cause, for some reason or other, he forgot to wind it
up when he went to bed (an unusual occurrence
with him) and hung it up over his pillow without
ever looking, at the thing.
It was in the winter when this happened, very
near the shortest day, and a week of fog into the
bargain, so the fact that it was still very chirk when
George woke in the morning was no guide to him
as to the time. He reached up, and hauled down
his watch. It was a quarter past eight.
“ Angels and ministers of grace defend us!” ex-
claimed George “ and here have I got to be in the
;

City by nine. Why didn’t somebody call me? Oh,

this is a shame !” And he flung the watch down,,
and sprung out of bed, and had a cold hath, and
washed himself, and dressed himself, and shaved
himself in cold water because there was not time to
wait for the hot, and then rushed and had another
look at the watch.
Whether the shaking it had received in being

thrown down on the bed had started it, or how it,

was, George could not say, but certain it was that
from a quarter past eight it had begun to go, and
now pointed to twenty minutes to nine.
George snatched it up and rushed downstairs. In
the sitting-room all was dark and silent r there was
;

no fire, no breakfast. George said it was a wicked

shame of Mrs. G., and he made up his mind to tell
her what he thought of her when he came home in
rhe evening. Then he dashed on his great-coat and
 !

THBEE MEN IN A BOAT 149

hat, and seizing his umbrella made for the front

door. The door was not even, unbolted. George
anathematized Mrs. G. for a laz}r old woman, and
thought it was very strange that people could not
get up at a decent, respectable time, unlocked and
unbolted the door and ran out.
He ran hard for a quarter of a mile, and at the
end of that distance it began to be borne in upon
him as a strange and curious thing that there were
so few people about, and that there were no shops
open. It was certainly a very dark and foggy
morning, but still it seemed an unusual course to
stop all business on that account. He had to go to
business; why
should other people stop in bed
merely because it was dark and foggy
At length he reached Holborn. Not a shutter
was clown not a bus was about There were three
! !

men in sight, one of whom was a policeman a ;

market-cart full and a dilapidated-

of cabbages,
looking cab. George pulled out his watch and
looked at it it was five minutes to nine
;
He stood !

still and counted his pulse. He stooped down and

felt his legs. Then, with his watch still in his hand,
he went up to the policeman, and asked him if he
knew what the time was.
“What’s the time?” said the man, eying George
upland down with evident suspicion; “why, if you
you
listen will hear it strike.”
George listened, and a neighboring clock imme-
diately Obliged.
“But it’s only gone three!” said George, in an
injured tone, when it had finished
 ;

150 THREE MEN IN A BOAT .

“ Well, and how many did you want it to got'

replied the constable.,
“ Why, showing his watch.
nine,” said George,
“Do you know where you live ?” said the guardian

of public order severely.

George thought, and gave the address.
“ Oh ! that’s where it is, is it ?” replied the man
“ well,you take my advice and go there quietly, and
take that watch of yours with you and don’t let’s ;

have any more of it.”

And George went home again, musing as he
walked along, and let himself in.
At first, when he got in, he determined to undress
and go to bed again but when he thought of the
;

re-dressing and re-washing, and the having of

another bath, he determined he would not, but
would sit up and go to sleep in the easy-chair.
But he could not get to sleep he never felt more
;

wakeful in his life so he lighted the lamp and got

;

out the chess-board, and played himself a game of

chess. But even that did not enliven him ; it
seemed slow somehow’ so he gave chess up and
;

tried to read. He did not seem able to take any

sort of interest in reading either, so he put on his
coat again and went out for a walk.
It was horribly lonesome and dismal, and all the
policemen he met regarded him with^undisguised
suspicion, and turned their lanterns on him and
followed him about, and this had such an effect
upon him at last that he began to feel as if be really
bid clone something, and he got to slinking down
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT * 151

the by-streets and hiding In dark doorways when

he heard the regulation flip-flop approaching.
Of made the force only more
course, this conduct
him than ever, and they would come
distrustful of
and rout him out and ask him what he was doing
there and when he answered, “ Nothing,” he had
;

merely come out for a stroll (it was then four o’clock
in the morning), they looked as though they did not
believe him, and two plain-clothes constables came
home with him to see if he really did live where he
had said he did. They saw him go in with his key,
and then they took up a position opposite and
watched the house.
He thought he would light the fire when he got
inside, and make himself some breakfast, just to
pass away the time but he did not seem able to
;

handle anything from a scuttleful of coals to a tea-

spoon without dropping it or falling over it, and
making such a noise that he was in mortal fear that
it would wake Mrs. G. up, and that she would think

it was burglars and open the window and call

u Police !” and then these two detectives would rush
in and handcuff him, and march him off to the
police court.
He was in a morbidly nervous state by this time,
and he pictured the trial, and his trying to explain
the circumstances to the jury, and nobody believing
him, and his being sentenced to twenty years’ penal
servitude, and his mother dying of a broken heart.
So he * gave up trying to get breakfast, and
wrapped himself up in his overcoat and sat in the
152 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

easy-chair till Mrs. G. came down at half-past

seven.
He had never got up too early since that
said he
morning; it had been such a warning to him.
We had been sitting huddled up in our rugs while
George had been telling me this true story, and on
his finishing it I set to work to wake up Harris with
a scull. The third prod did it and he turned over on
;

the other side, and said he would be down in a min-

ute, and that he would have his lace-up boots. We
soon let him know where he was, however, by the
aid of the hitcher, and he sat up suddenly, sending
Montmorency, who had been sleeping the sleep of
the just right on the middle of his chest, sprawling
across the boat.
Then we pulled up the canvas, and all four of us
poked our heads out over the off-side, and looked
down at the water and shivered. The idea, over-
night, had been that we should get up early in the
morning, fling off our rugs and shawls, and throw-
ing back the canvas,^spring into the river with a
joyous shout, and revel in a long, delicious swim.
Somehow, now the morning had come, the notion
seemed less tempting. The water looked damp and
chilly ;
the wind felt cold.
“ Well, who’s going to be first in?” said Harris at
last. There was no rush for precedence. George
settled the matter so far as he was concerned by
retiring into the boat and pulling on his socks.
Montmorency gave vent to an involuntary’ howl, as
if merely thinking of the thing had given him the
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 153

horrors and Harris said it would be so difficult to

;

get into the boat again, and went back and sorted
out his trousers.
I did not altogether like to give in, though I did
not relish the plunge. There might be snags about,
or weeds, I thought. I meant to compromise mat-
ters by going down to the edge and just throwing
the water over myself so I took a towel and crept
;

out on the bank and wormed my way along on to the

bi'anch of a tree that dipped down into the water.
It was bitterly cold. The wind cut like a knife.
I thought I would not throw the water over myself
after all.would go back into the boat and dress
I
and I turned to do so ; and, as I turned, the silly
branch gave way, and I and the towel went in to-
gether with a tremendous splash, and I was out
midstream with a gallon of Thames water inside
me befor® I knew what had happened.
“ By Jove old J.’s gone in,” I heard Harris say,
!
154 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

as I came blowing to the surface. “I didn’t think

he’d have the pluck to do it. Did you ?”
“Is it all right?” sung out George.
“ Lovely,” I spluttered back. “You are duffers
not to come in. I wouldn’t have missed this for
worlds. Why won’t you try it ? It only wants a
little determination.”
But I could not persuade them.
Bather an amusing thing happened while dressing
that morning. I was very cold when I got back
into the boat, and, in my hurry to get my shirt on,
I accidentally jerked it into the water. It made me
awfully wild, especially as George burst out laugh-
ing. I could not see anything to laugh at, and I
told George so, and he only laughed the more. I
never saw a man laugh so much. I quite lost my
temper with him at last, and I pointed out to him
what a driveling maniac and an imbecile idiot he
was; but he only roared the louder. And then,
just as I was landing the shirt, I noticed that it was
not my shirt at all, but George’s, which I had mis-
taken for mine whereupon the humor of the thing
;

struck me for the first time, and / began to laugh.

And the more I looked from George’s wet shirt to
George, roaring with laughter, the more I was
amused, and I laughed so much that I had to let
the shirt fall back into the water agaiQ.
—
“Aren’t you you going to get it out?” said
George, between his shrieks.
I could not answer him at all for awhile, I was
laughing so, but, at last, between my peals I
managed to jerk out
 THREE MEH 1H A BOAT. 153

—
“It isn’t my shirt it’s yours!”
I never saw a man’s face change from lively to
severe so suddenly in all my life before.
“What!” he yelled, springing up. “You silly
cuckoo! Why can’t you be more careful what
you’re doing % Why the deuce don’t you go and
dress on the bank? You’re not lit to be in a boat,
you’re not. Gimme the hitcher.”
I tried to make him see the fun of the thing, but
he could not. George is very dense at seeing a
joke sometimes.
Harris proposed that we should have scrambled
eggs for breakfast. He said he would cook them.
It seemed, from his account, that he was very good
at doing scrambled eggs. He often did them at
picnics and when out on yachts. He was quite
famous for them. People who had once tasted his
scrambled eggs, so we gathered from his conversa-
tion, never cared for any other food afterward, but
pined away and died when they could not get them.
It made our mouths water to hear him talk about
the things, and we handed him out the stove and
the frying-pan and all the eggs that had not smashed
and gone over everything in the hamper, and
begged him to begin.
He had some trouble in breaking the eggs —
or
rather not so much trouble in breaking them exactly
as in getting them into the frying-pan when broken,
and keeping them off his trousers, and preventing
them fr©m running up his sleeve but he fixed some
;

half a dozen into the pan at last, and then squatted

156 THREW MEN IN A BOAT,

the side of the stove and chivvied

them
down by
about with a fork.
and I
It seemed harassing work, so far as George
Whenever he went near the pan he
could judge.
everything
burned himself, and then he would drop
his fingers about
and dance round the stove, flicking
things. Indeed, every time Geoige
and cursing the
him he was sure to be per-
and I looked round at
it was
forming this feat. We thought at first that
arrangements.
a necessary part of the culinary
We did not know what scrambled eggs were, and
we fancied that it must be some Red Indian
or
required dances
Sandwich Islands sort of dish that
Montmor-
and incantations for its proper cooking.
once, and the
ency went and put his nose over it
fat spluttered up and scalded
him, and then he be-
and cursing. Altogether it was one
gan dancing
and exciting operations I
of the most interesting
George and I were both quite
have ever witnessed.
sorry when it was over.
success that
The result was not altogether the
so little to
Harris had anticipated. There seemed
show for the business. Six eggs had gone into the

frying-pan, and all that came out was a tea-spoonful

mess.
of burned and unappetizing-looking
Harris said it was the fault of the frying-pan,
and
had a
thought it would have gone better if we had
fish-kettleand a gas-stove; and we decided not to

attempt the dish again until we had those

aids to

housekeeping by us. ’

The sun had got more powerful by the time we

 THREE MEN IN A BOAT 15 T

bad brushed breakfast, and the wind had dropped*

and it was as lovely a morning as one could desire.
Little was in sight to remind us of the nineteenth
century; and, as we looked out upon the river in
the morning sunlight, we could almost fancy that
the centuries between us and that ever-to-be-famous
June morning of 1215 had been drawn aside, and
that we, English yeomen’s sons in homespun cloth,
with dirk at belt, were waiting there to witness the
writing of that stupendous page of history, the
meaning whereof was to be translated to the com-
mon people some four hundred and odd years later
by one Oliver Cromwell, who had deeply studied it.
It is a fine summer morning — sunny, soft, and
still But through the air there runs a thrill of
coming stir. King John has slept at Bancroft
Hall, and all the day before the little town of
Staines has echoed to the clang of armed men, and
the clatter of great horses over its rough stones, and
the shouts of captains, and the grim oaths and surly
jests of bearded bowmen, billmen, pikemen, and
strange-speaking foreign speahnen.
Gajr-cioaked companies of knights and squires
have ridden in, all travel-stained and dusty. And
all the evening long the timid townsmen’s doors
have had to be quick opened to let in rough groups
of ^soldiers, fpr whom there must be found both
board and lodging, and th© best of both, or woe
betide the house and all within; for the sword is
judge and jury, plaintiff and executioner, in these
tempestuous times, and pays for what it takes by
'M THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

sparing those from whom it takes it, if it pleases to

do so.
Bound the camp-fire in the market-place gather
stillmore of the barons’ troops, and eat and drink
deep, and bellow forth roistering drinking songs,
and gamble and quarrel as the evening grows and
deepens into night. The firelight sheds quaint
shadows on their piled-up arms and on their uncouth
forms. The children of the town steal round to
watch them, wondering; and brawny country
wenches, laughing, draw near to bandy ale-house
jest and jibe with the swaggering troopers, so un-
like the village swains, who, now despised, stand
apart behind, with vacant grins upon their broad
peering faces. And out from the fields around,
glitter the faint lights of more distant camps, as
here some great lord’s followers lie mustered, and
there false John’s French mercenaries hover like
crouching wolves without the town.
And. so, with sentinel in each dark street, and
twinkling watch-fires on each height around, the
night has worn away, and over this fair valley of
old Thames has broken the morning of the great
day that is to close so big with the fate of ages yet
unborn.
Ever since gray dawn, in the lower of the two
above where we are standing, there has
islands, just
been great clamor, and the sound of many workmen.
The great brought there yester eve is
pavilion
being raised, and carpenters are busy nailing tiers
of seats, while ’prentices from London town are
 —

THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 159

there with many-colored stuffs and silks and cloth

of gold and silver.
And now, lo down upon the road that winds
!

along the river’s bank from Staines there come

toward us, laughing and talking together in deep
guttural bass, a half score of stalwart halbertman
—
barons’ men, these and halt at a hundred yards or
so above us, on the other bank, and lean upon their
arms and wait.
And from hour to hour, march up along the
so,
road ever fresh groups and bands of armed men,
their casques and breastplates flashing back the
long low lines of morning sunlight, until, as far as
eye can reach, the way seems thick with glittering
steel and prancing steeds. And shouting horsemen
are galloping from group to group, and little banners
are fluttering lazily in the warm breeze, and every
now and then there is a deeper stir as the ranks
make way on and some great baron on
either side,
his war-horse, with his guard of squires around him,
passes along to take his station at the head of his
*
serfs and vassals.
And up the slope of Cooper’s Hill, just opposite,
are gathered the wondering rustics and curious
townsfolk, who have run from Staines, and none are
quite sure what the bustle is about, but each one
has a different version of the great event that they
have come to see ; and some say that much good to
all the people will come from this day’s work ; but

the old men shake their heads, for they have heard
such tales before.
160 THREE MEW IN A BOAT

And all the river down to Staines is dotted with

small craft and boats and tiny coracles which last —
are growing out of favor now, and are used only by
the poorer folk. Over the rapids, where in after
years trim Bell Wear Lock will stand, they have
been forced or dragged by their sturdy rowers, and
now are crowding up as near as they dare come to
the great covered barges, which lie in readiness to
bear King John to where the fateful Charter waits
his signing.
It is noon, and we and all the people have been
waiting patiently for many an hour, and the rumor
has run round that slippery John has again escaped
from the barons’ grasp, and has stolen away from
D uncroft Hall with his mercenaries at his heels, and
will soon be doing other work than signing charters
for his people’s liberty.
Not so This time the grip upon him has been
!

one of iron, and he has slid and wriggled in vain.

Far down the road a little cloud of dust has risen,
and draws nearer and grows larger, and the patter-
ing of many hoofs grows louder, and in and out be-
tween the scattered groups of drawn-up men, there
pushes on its way a brilliant cavalcade of gav-
dressed lords and knights. And front and rear, and
either flank, there ride the yeomen of the barons,
and in the midst King John.
He rides to where the barges lie in readiness, and
the great barons step forth from their ranks to meet
hiih. He greets them with a smile and kugh, and
pleasant honeyed words, as though it were some
 THMMW MEN IN A BOAT, 161

feast in his honor to which he had been invited.

But as he rises to dismount, he casts one hurried
glance from his own French mercenaries drawn up
in the rear to the grim ranks of the barons’ men
that hem him in.

Is it One fierce blow at the unsuspect-

too late?
ing horseman at his side, one cry to his French
troops, one desperate charge upon the unready lines
before him, and these rebellious barons might rue
the day they dared to thwart his plans bolder
! A
hand might have turned the game even at that point.
Had it been a Richard there the cup of liberty
!

might have been dashed from England’s lips, and

the taste of freedom held back for a hundred years.
But the heart of King John sinks before the stern
faces of the English lighting men, and the arm of
King John drops back on to his rein, and he dis-
mounts and takes his seat in the foremost barge.
And the barons follow in, with each mailed hand
upon the sword-hilt, and the word is given to let go.

Slowly the heavy, bright-dpeked barges leave the

shore of Runningmede. Slowly against the swift
current they work their ponderous way, till, with a
low grumble, they grate against the bank of the
little island that from this day will bear the name

of Magna Charta Island. And King John has

stepped upoh the shore, and we wait in breathless
silence till a great shout cleaves the air, and the
great corner-stone in England’s temple of liberty has,
now we know, been firmly laid*
m THREE MEM IN A BOAT.

CHAPTER XIL
—
Henry VIII. and Anne Boleyn. Disadvantages of living in
—
same house with pair of lovers. A trying time for the
:

English nation. —A night search for the picturesque.

—Homeless and houseless. —Harris prepares to die. — An
angel comes a long. —Effect of sudden joy on Harris.—
little supper. —Lunch. —High price for mustard. —A fear-
ful battle.— Maidenhead.— Sailing.— Three fishers *— We
are cursed.

I was sifting on the bank, conjuring up this scene

to myself, when George remarked when I was
that
quite rested, perhaps I would not mind helping to
wash up ;
and, thus recalled from the days of the
glorious past to the prosaic present, with all its
misery and sin, I slid down into the boat and cleaned
out the frying-pan ^ith a stick of wood and a tuft
of grass, polishing it up finally with George’s wet
shirt.
We went over to Magna Oharta Island, and had
a look at the stone which stands in the cottage there
and on which the great Charter is said to have been
signed ; though, as to whether it really was signed
there, or, as some say, on the other bank at Run-
ningmede, I decline to commit myself. As far as
3

my own personal opinion goes, however, 1 am in-

clined to give weight to the popular island theory
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 183

Certainly, had I been one of the barons, at the

time, I should have strongly urged upon my com-
rades the advisability of our getting such a slippery
customer as King John on to the island, where there
was less chance of surprises and tricks.
There are the ruins of an old priory in the grounds
of Ankerwyke House, which is close to Picnic
Point, and it was round about the grounds of this
old priory that Henry YIII. is said to have waited
for and met Anne Boleyn. He also used to meet
her at Hever Castle in Kent, and also somewhere
near St. Albans. It must have been difficult for the
people of England in those days to have found a
spot where these thoughtless young folk were not
spooning.
Have you ever been in a house where there are a
couple courting? It is most trying. You think you
will go and sit in the drawing-room, and you march
off there. As you open the door, you hear a noise
as if somebody had suddenly recollected something,
and, when you get in, Emily is over by the window,
full of interest in the opposite side of the road, and
your friend John Edward is at the other end of the
room with his whole soul held in thrall by photo-
graphs of other people’s relatives.
“Oh!” you say, pausing at the door, “I didn’t
know anybody was here.”
“Oh! didn’t you?” says Emily coldly, in a tone
which implies that she does not believe you.
You hang about for a bit, then you say
“ It’s very dark. Why don’t you light the gas ?”
 ;

164 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

John Edward says, “ Oh I” he hadn’t noticed it

and Emily says that papa does not like the gas
lighted in the afternoon.
You tell them one or two items of news, and give
them your views and opinions on the Irish question
but this does not appear to interest them. All they
remark on any subject is, “ Oh !” u Is it ?” “ Did
he!” “ Yes,” and “ You don’t say so P And, after
ten minutes of such style of conversation, you edge
up to the door, and slip out, and are surprised to
find that the door immediately closes behind you,
and shuts itself, without your having touched it.
Half an hour later you think you will try a pipe
in the conservatory. The only chair in the place is
occupied by Emily; and John Edward, if the lan-
guage of clothes can be relied upon, has evidently
been sitting on the floor. They do not speak, but
they give you a look that says all that can be said
in a civilized community; and you back out
promptly and shut the door behind you.
You are afraid to poke your nose into any room
in the house now so, sifter walking up and down the
;

stairs for awhile, you go and sit in your own bed-

room. This becomes uninteresting, however, after
a time, and so you put on your hat and stroll out
into the garden. You walk down the path, and as
you pass the summer-house, you glance^in, and there
are those two young idiots, huddled up into one
corner of it; and they see you, and are evidently
under the idea that, for some wicked purpose of
your own, you are following them about.
 ;!

THREE MEN IN A BOAT. Jg&

64
Why don’t
they have a special room for this sort
of thing, and make people keep
to it ?” you mutter
and you rush back to the hall and get your umbrella
and go out.
It must have been much like this when that fool-
ish boy Henry VIII. was courting his little Anne.
People in Buckinghamshire would have come upon
them unexpectedly when they were mooning round
Windsor and Wravsbury, and have exclaimed 45 Oh ,

you here!” and Henry would have blushed and

said, “ Yes he’d just come over to see a man
; and
Anne would have said, 64 Oh, I’m so glad to see you !

Isn’t it funny ? I’ve just met Mr. Henry VIII. in

the lane, and he’s going the same way I am.”
Then those people would have gone away and
said to themselves u Oh
: ! we’d better get out of
here while this billing and cooing is on. We’ll go
down to Kent.”
And they would go to Kent, and the first thing
they would see in Kent, when they got there, would
be Henry and Anne fooling*round Hever Castle.
u Oh, drat this !” they would
have said. “ Here,
let’s go away. I can’t stand any more of it. Let’s
go to St. Albans —
nice, quiet place, St. Albans.”
And when they reach St. Albans, there would be
that wretched couple, kissing under the abbey walls.
Tlien these* folks would go and be pirates until the
marriage was over.
From, Picnic Point to Old Windsor Lock is a de-
lightful bit of river. A shady road, dotted here and
there with dainty little cottages, runs by the bank
 168 TEHEE MEW W A BOAT.
up to the Bells of Ouseley, a picturesque inn,
as most
up-river inns nre ? and a pi nee where a very g’ood
—
glass of ale may be drunk so Harris says
; and on
a matter of this kind you can take Harris’
word

iMSs

illl
IWi

Old Windsor is a famous spot in its way. Edward

the Confessor had a palace here, and here the
great
Earl Godwin was proved guilty by the justice
of
that age of having encompassed the death of
the
king’s brother. Earl Godwin broke a piece of
bread
and held it in his hand.
 :

THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 16 ?

am guilty,” said the

“ If I earl, “ may this bread
choke me when I eat it !”
Tiien he put the bread into his mouth and swal-
lowed and it choked him, and he died.
it,

After you pass Oid Windsor, the river is some-

what uninteresting, and does not become itself again
until you are nearing Boveney. George and I
towed up past the Home Park, which stretches
along the right bank from Albert to Yictoria
Bridge ; and as we were passing Hatchet, George
asked me if I remembered our first trip up the river,
and when we landed at Datchet at ten o’clock at
night, and wanted to go to bed.
I answered that I did remember it. It will be
some time before I forget it.
It was the Saturday before the August Bank
Holiday.- We were tired and hungry, we same
three, and when we got to Hatchet we took out
the hamper, the two bags, and the rugs and coats,
and such like things, and started off to look for
diggings. We passed a vgry pretty little hotel,
with clematis and creeper over the porch but there
;

was no honeysuckle about it, and for some reason

or other, I had got my mind fixed on honeysuckle,
and I said
“ Oh, don’t let’s go in there ! Let’s go on a bit
futther, and* see if there isn’t one with honeysuckle
over it.”
So wg went on till we came to another hotel.
That was a very nice hotel, too, and it had honey-
suckle on it, round at the side ; but Harris did not
 THREE MEW IIf A BOAT

like the look of a man who was leaning against the

front door. He said he didn’t look a nice man at
and he wore ugly boots so we went on further.
all, ;

We went a goodish way without coming across any

more hotels, and then we met a man, and asked him
to direct us to a few.
He said
“Why, you are coming
away from them. You
must turn right round and go back, and then you
will come to the Stag.”
We said :

“ Oh, we have been there, and didn’t like it—no

honeysuckle over it.”
“ Well, then,” he said, “ there’s the Manor House,
just opposite. Have you tried that ?”
Harris replied that we did not want to go there
didn’t like the looks of a man who was .stopping
there —Harris did not like the color of his hair,
didn’t like his boots, either.
“Well, i don’t know what youll do, I’m sure,”
said our informant ; “ because they are the only two
inns in the place.”
“Ho other inns!” exclaimed Harris.
“ Hone,” replied the man.
“ What on earth are we to do ?” cried Harris.
Then George spoke up. He said Harris and I
could get a hotel built for us, if we liked,and have
some people made to put in. For his part, he was
going back to the Stag.
The greatest minds never realize their ideals in
any matter ; and Harris and I sighed over the
 :

THREE XEN TN A BOAT. 169

hollowness of all earthly desires, and followed

George.
We took oar traps into the Stag, and laid them
down in the hall.
The landlord came np and said:
“ Good-evening, gentlemen.”
“ Oh, good-evening,” said George ; “ we want
three beds, please.”
“Very sorry, sir,” said the landlord; “but I’m
afraid we can’t manage it.”
“ Oh, well, never mind,” said George, “ two will
do. Two of us can sleep in one bed, can’t we ?” he
continued, turning to Harris and me.
Harris said, “ Oh, yes he thought George and
I could sleep in one bed very easily.
“Very sorry, sir,” again repeated the landlord;
“ but we really haven’t got a bed vacant in the whole
house. In fact, we are putting two, and even three
gentlemen in one bed, as it is.”
This staggered us for a bit.
But Harris, who is an ol’d traveler, rose to the
occasion,and laughing cheerily, said
“ Oh, well, we can’t help it. We must rough it.
You must give us a shake-down in the billiard
room.”
-.“Very sarry, Three gentlemen sleeping on
sir.

the billiard-table already, and two in the coffee-

room. Can’t possibly take you in to-night.”
We picked up our things, and went over to the
Manor House. It was a pretty little place. I said
I thought I should like it better than the other
170 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

house and Harris said* “ Gh, yes,’ it would b© all

;
5

right, and we needn’t look at the man with the red

hair; besides, the poor fellow couldn’t help haring
red hair.
Harris spoke quite kindly and sensibly about it.
The people at the Manor House did not wait to
hear us talk. The landlady met us on the doorstep
with the greeting that we were the fourteenth
party she had turned away within the last hour and
a half. As for our meek suggestions of stables,
billiard-room, or coal-cellars, she laughed them all
to scorn ;
all these nooks had been snatched up long
ago.
Did she know of any place in the whole village
where we could get shelter for the night?
—
“ Well, if we didn’t mind roughing it she did not
—
recommend it, mind but there was a little beer
shop half a mile down the Eton Road
We waited to hear no more; we caught up the
hamper and the bags, and the coats and rugs, and
parcels, and ran. The distance seemed more like a
mile than half a mile, but we reached the place at
last,and rushed, panting, into the bar.
The people at the beer shop were rude. They
merely laughed at us. There were only three beds
in the whole house, and they had ^even single
gentlemen and two married couples sleeping there
already. A kind-hearted bargeman, however, who
happened to be in the tap-room, thought we might
try the grocer’s next door to the Stag, and we went
back.
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT: m
The grocer’s was full An old woman we met in
the shop then kindly took os along with her for a
quarter of a mile, to a lady friend of hers, who
occasionally let rooms to gentlemen.
This old woman walkedvery slowly, an we were
twenty minutes getting to her lady friend’s. She
enlivened the journey by describing to ns, as we
trailed along, the various pains she had in her
back.
Her l&dy friend’s rooms were let. From there
we were recommended to No. 27. No. 27 'was full,

and sent us to No. 32, and 32 was full.

Then we went back into the highroad, and Harris
sat down on the hamper and said he would go no
further. He said it seemed a quiet spot, and he
would like to die there. He requested George and
me to kiss his mother for him, and to tell all his
relations that he forgave them and died happy.
At that moment an angel came in the disguise of
a small boy (and I cannot think of any more effec-
tive disguise an angel could have assumed), with a
can of beer in one hand, and in the other something
at the end of a string, which he let down on to
every flat stone he came across, and then pulled up
again, this producing a peculiarly unattractive
soijnd, suggestive of suffering.
¥e asked this heavenly messenger (as we dis-
covered him afterward to be) if he knew of any
lonely house, whose occupants were few and feeble
(old ladies or paralyzed gentlemen preferred), who
could be easily frightened into giving up their bed**
ITS THREE MEN IN A BOAT

for the night to three desperate men ;

or, if not tins,

could he recommend us to an emptypigsty, or a

disused limeklin, or anything of that sort. He did
—
not know of any such place at least, not one handy ;
but he said that, if we liked to come with him, his
mother had a room to spare, and could put us up
for the night.
We fell upon his neck there in the moonlight and
blessed him, and it would have made a very beauti-
ful picture if the boy himself had not been so over-
powered by our emotion as to be unable to sustain
himself under it, and sunk to the ground, letting us
all down on top of him. Harris was so overcome
with joy that he fainted, and had to seize the boy’s
beer-can and half empty it before he could recover
consciousness, and then he started off at a run, and
left George and me to bring on the luggage.
It was a little four-roomed cottage where the boy

—
lived, and his mother good soul! — gave us hot-
—
bacon for supper, and we eat it all five pounds—
and a jam tart afterward, and two pots of tea, and
then we went to bed. There were two beds in the
room ; one was a 2ft. 6in. truckle-bed, and George
and I slept in that, and kept in by tying ourselves
together with a sheet and the other was the little
;

boy’s bed, and Harris had that all to Jiimself, and

we found him, in the morning, with two feet of bare
leg sticking out at the bottom, and George and 1
used to hang the towels on while we batted.
it

We were not so uppish about what sort of hotel

we would have nest time we went to Hatchet.
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 1?3

To return to our present trip ; nothing exciting

happened, and we tugged steadily on to a little be-
low Monkey Island, where vve drew up and lunched.
We tackled the cold beef for lunch, and then we
found that we had forgotten to bring any mustard.
I don’t think I ever in my life, before or since, felt
I wanted mustard as badly as I felt I wanted it then.

I don’t care for mustard as a rule, and it is very

seldom that I take it at all, but I would have given
worlds for it then.
know how many worlds there may be in
I don’t
the universe, but any one who had brought me a
spoonful of mustard at that precise moment could
have had them all. I grow reckless like that when
I want a thing and can’t get it.
Harris said he would have given worlds for mus-
tard too. It would have been a good thing for any-
‘

body who had come up to the spot with a can of

mustard then ; he would have been set up in worlds
for the rest of his life.

But there 1 and I would

I dare say both Harris
have tried to back out of the bargain after we had
got the mustard. One makes these extravagant
in moments of excitement, but, of course,
offers
when one comes to think of it, one sees how ab-
surdly out o£ proportion they are with the value of
the required article. I heard a man, going up a
mountain in Switzerland, once say he would give
worlds for a glass of beer, and when he came to a
little shanty where they kept it, he kicked up a most

fearful row because they charged him five francs

 :

174 TEHEE MEN IN A BOAT,

for a bottle of Bass. He said was a scandalous

it

imposition, and be wrote to the Times about it.

It cast a gloom over the
boat, there being noraiis-
tai’d. We eat
our beef in silence. Existence seemed
hollow and uninteresting. W
e thought of the happy
days of childhood, and sighed. We brightened up
a bit, over the apple-tart, and, when
however,
George drew out a tin of pineapple from the bottom
of the hamper, and rolled it into the middle of the
boat, we felt that life was worth living after all.

Weare very fond of pineapple, all three of us. He

looked at the picture on the tin ; we thought of the
juice. We smiled at one another, and Harris got a
spoon ready.
Then we looked for the knife to open the tin with.
We turned out everything in the hamper. We
turned out the bags. We pulled up the boards at
the bottom of the boat. We
took everything out
on to the bank and shook it. There was no tin-

opener to be found.
Then Harris tried to“open the tin with a pocket-
knife, and broke the knife and cut himself badly
and George tried a pair of scissors, and the scissors
flew up, and nearly put his eye out. While they
were dressing their wounds, I tried to make a hole
in the thing with the spiky end of the hitcher, apd
the hitcher slipped and jerked me out between the
boat and the bank into two feet of muddy water,
and the tin rolled over, uninjured, and broke a tea-
cup.
Then, we all got mad. We took that tin out on
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. m
the bank, and Harris went up into a field and got a
big sharp stone, and I went back into the boat and
brought out the mast, and George held the tin and
Harris held the sharp end of his stone against the
fop of it> and I took the mast and poised it high in
the air, and gathered up all my strength and
brought it down.
It was George’s straw hat that saved his life that
day. He keeps that hat now (what is left of it),
and of a winter’s evening, when the pipes are
lighted and the boys are telling stretchers about the
dangers they have passed through, George brings it
down and shows it round, and the stirring tale is
told anew, with fresh exaggerations every time.
Harris got off with merely a flesh wound.
After .that I took the tin off myself, and ham-
mered at it with the mast till I was worn out and
sick at heart, whereupon Harris took it in hand.
We beat it out flat, we beat it back square; we
battered it into every form known to geometry—
but we could not rz>u&e a hole in it. Then George
went at it, and Knocked it into a
shape so strange, so weird, so unearthly
in its wild hideousness, that he got
frightened and threw away the mast.
Then we all* three sat round it on the
grass and looked at it.
There was one great dent across
the -'top* that had the appearance of /
a mocking grin, and it drove us
furious, so that Harris rushed at the thing, and
176 THREE MEN IN A BOA 2\

caught it up, and flung it far into the middle of the

river* and as it sunk we hurled our curses at it* and
we got into the boat and rowed away from the
spot, and never paused till we reached Maidenhead*
Maidenhead too snobby to be pleasant*
itself is

It is the haunt of the river swell and his over-

dressed female companion. It is the town of showy
hotels, patronized chiefly by dudes and ballet girls.
It is the witch’s kitchen from which go forth those
—
demons of the river steam launches. The <c London
Journal” duke always has his “ little place” at
Maidenhead: and the heroine of the three- volume
novel always dines there when she goes out on the
spree with somebody eise’s husband.
We went through Maidenhead quickly, and then
eased up, and took leisurely that grand reach
beyond Boulter’s and Cookham locks* Olieveden
Woods still wore their dainty dress of spring, and
rose up, from the water’s edge, in one long harmony
of blended shades of fairy green. In its unbroken
loveliness this is, perhaps, the sweetest stretch fall
the ri^er, and lingeringly we slowly drew our little

boat away from its deep peace.

We pulled up in the backwater, just 1 elow Cook-
ham, and had tea; and when we were through the
lock, it was evening. A stiffish breeze had sprung
—
up in our favor, for a wonder ; for, as a rule on
the river, the wind is always dead against you
whatever way you go. It in against you in the
morning, when you start for a d Nfs trip, and you
pull a long distance, thinking hom easy it will be to
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT m
come back with the sail. Then, after tea, the wind
veers round, and you have to pull hard in its teeth
all the way home.
When you forget to take the sail at then the
all,

wind is consistently in your favor both ways. But

there this world is only a probation, and man was

!

born to trouble as the sparks fly upward.

This evening, however, they had evidently made
a mistake, and had put the wind round at our back
instead ofin our face. We kept very quiet about it,
and got the sail up quickly before they found it out,
and then we spread ourselves about the boat in
m THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

thoughtful attitudes, and the sail bellied out, and

strained, and grumbled at the mast, and the boat
flew.
I steered.
There no more thrilling sensation I know of than
is

sailing. It comes as near to flying as man. has got to

yet— except in dreams. The wings of the rushing
wind seem to be bearing you onward, you know not
where. You are no longer the low, plodding, puny
thing of clay, creeping tortuously upon the ground ;
you are a part of Nature !Your heart is throbbing
against hers ! Her glorious arms are round you,
raising you up against her heart! Your spirit is at
one with hers ; your limbs grow light !The voices
of the air are singing to you. The earth seems far
away and little and the clouds, so close above your
;

head, are brothers, and you stretch your arms to

them.
We had the river to ourselves, except that, far
in the distance, we could see a fishing-punt, moored
in midstream, on which three fishermen sat ;
and
we skimmed over the water, and passed the wooded
banks, and no one spoke.
I was steering.
As we drew nearer, we could see that the three men
fishing seemed old and solemn-looking men. They
sat on three chairs in the punt, and watched intently
their lines. And the red sunset threw a mystic light
upon the waters, and tinged with fire th§. towering
woods, and made a golden glory of the piled-up
clouds. It was an hour of deep enchantment, of
 THREE MEN IN A BOA T. 179

ecstatic hope and longing. The little sail stood out

against the purple sky, the gloaming lay around ns,
wrapping the world in rainbow shadows and behind
;

ns, crept the night.

"We seemed like knights of some old legend,
sailing across some mystic lake into the unknown
realm of twilight, unto the great land of the sunset.
We did not go into the realm of twilight we ;

went slap into that punt, where those three old

men where fishing. We did not know what had
happened at first, because the sail shut out the view,
but from the nature of the language that rose up
upon the evening air, we gathered that we had come
into the neighborhood of human beings, and that
they were vexed and discontented.
Harris let the sail down, and then we saw what
had happened. We had knocked those three old
gentlemen off their chairs into a general heap at the
bottom of the boat, and they w ere now slowly arid
r

painfully sorting themselves out from each other,

and picking fish off themselves and as they worked,
;

they cursed us — notwith a common cursory curse,

but with long, carefully thought-out, comprehensive
curses, that embraced the whole of our career, and
went away and included all
into the distant future,
our relations, and covered everything connected with
us —good, substantial curses.
Harris told them they ought to be grateful for a
little excitement, sitting there fishing all day, and

he also said that he was shocked and grieved to hear

men of their age give way to temper so.
180 three men in a boat.

But it did not do any good.

that. He said
George said he would steer, after
expected to give
mind like mine ought not to be
u,self awayin steering boats — better let a mere
that boat,
commonplace human being see after
got drowned and he took
before we jolly well all ;

to Marlow.
the lines, and brought us
the boat by the bridge,
And at Marlow we left
night at the Crown
and went and put up for the
 THREE MEM IN A BOAT 181

CHAPTER XIII.

Marlow. — Biaham Abbey.— The Medmenham Monks. - Mont*

morency thinks he will murder an old Tom eat. —But
eventually decides that he will let it live. Shameful —
conduct of a fox-terrier at the Civil Service Stores. Our —
—
departure from Marlow. An imposing procession, The —
steam launch, useful recipes for annoying and hindering
it.— We decline to drink the river.—A peaceful dog.—
Strange disappearance of Harris and a pie.

Marlow one of the pleasantest river centers I

is

know of. is a bustling, lively little town

It not ;

very picturesque on the whole, it is true, but there

are many quaint nooks and corners to be found in
it, nevertheless —standing arches in the shattered
bridge of Time, over which our fancy travels back
to the days when Marlow Manor owned Saxon Algar
for its lord, ere conquering William seized it to give
to Queen Matilda, ere it passed to the Earls of War-
wick or to worldly wise Lord Paget, the councilor of
four successive sovereigns.
Xhere is a Jovely country round about it, too, it
after boating, you are fond of a walk, while the
river itself is at its best here. Down to Cookham,
past the Quarry Woods and the meadows, is a lovely
reach. Dear old Quarry Woods with your narrow.
S
182

climbing paths, and little winding glades, how

scented to this hour you seem with memories
of sunny summer days ! How haunted are your
shadowy vistas with the ghosts of laughing faces
how from your whispering leaves there softly fall the
voices of long ago
From Marlow up to Sonning is even fairer yet.
Grand old Bisham Abbey, whose stone walls have
rung to the shouts of the Knights Templars, and
which, at one time, was the home of Anne of Cleves,

and at another of Queen Elizabeth, is passed on the

right bank just half a mile above Marlow Bridge.
Bisham Abbey is rich in melodramatic properties.
It contains a tapestry bed-chamber, and a secret
room hid high up in the thick 'walls. The ghost of
the Lady Holy, who beat her little boy to death,
still walks there at night, trying to wash its ghostly

hands clean in a ghostly basin.

Warwick, the King-Maker, rests there, careless
now about such trivial things as earthly kings and
earthly kingdoms; and Salisbury, who did good
service at Poic tiers. Just before you come to the
abbey, and right on the river’s bank, is Bisham
 THREE MEM 2W A BOAT 183

Church, and perhaps, if any tombs are worth inspect-

ing they are the tombs and monuments in Bisham
Church. It was while floating in his boat under the
Bisham beeches that Shelley, who was then living at
Marlow (you can see his house now, in West Street),
composed “ The Revolt of Islam 55 .

By Hurley Wear, a little higher up, I have often

thought that I could stay a month without having
sufficient time to drink in all the beauty of the
scene. The village of Hurley, five minutes’ walk
from the lock, is as old a little spot as there is on
the river, dating, as it does, to quote the quaint
phraseology of those dim days, “ from the times of
King Sebert and King Offa.” Just past the wear
(going up) is Danes Field, where the invading Danes
5

once encamped, during their march to Gloucester-

shire and a little further still, nestling by a sweet
;

comer of the stream, is what is left of Medmenham

Abbey,
The famous Medmenham monks, or Hell Fire £<

Club,” as they were commonly called, and of whom

the notorious Wilkes was a member, were a frater-
nity whose motto was “ Do as you please,” and that
invitation stillstands over the ruined doorway of
the abbey. Many years before this bogus abbey,
with its congregation of irreverent jesters, was
founded, there stood upon the same spot a monasf
tery of a sterner kind, whose monks were of a
somewhat different type to the revelers that were
to follow them, five hundred years afterward.
The Cistercian monks, whose abbey stood there
184 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

in the thirteenth century, wore no clothes but rough

tunics and cowls, and eat no flesh, nor fish, nor eggs.
They lay upon straw, and they rose at midnight to
mass. They spent the day in labor, reading, and
prayer; and over all their lives there fell a silence
as of death, for no one spoke.
A grim fraternity, passing grim lives in that
sweet spot, that God had made so bright ! Strange
—
that Nature’s voices all around them the soft sing-
ing of the waters, the whisperings of the river
grass, the music of the rushing wind — should not
have taught them a truer meaning of life than this.
They listened there, through the long days, in
silence, waiting for a voice from heaven; and all
day long and through the solemn night it spoke to
them in myriad tones, and they heard it not.
From Medmenham to sweet Hambledon Lock the
riveris full of peaceful beauty, but, after it passes

Greenlands, the rather uninteresting-looking river

—
residence of my news agent a quiet, unassuming
old gentleman, who may often bemet with about
these regions, during the summer months, sculling
himself along in easy, vigorous style, or chatting
genially to some old lock-keeper as he passes
through —until well the other side of Henley, it is

somewhat bare and dull.

We got up tolerably early on the Monday morn-
ing at Marlow, and went for a bath before break-
fast ;
and, coming back, Montmorency,, made an
awful ass of himself. The only subject on which
Montmorency and I have any serious difference of
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 185

©pinion is cats. I like cats ;

Montmorency does
not.
When I meet a cat I say, “ Poor pussy !” and
stoop down and tickle the side of its head and the ;

cat sticks up its tail in a rigid, cast-iron manner,

arches its back, and wipes its nose
up against my trousers ;
and all is

gentleness and peace. When

Montmorency meets whole
a cat, the
knows about
street and there is
it ;

enough bad language wasted in ten

seconds to last an ordinarily respee
table man all his life, with care.
I do not blame the dog (contenting myself, as a
rule, with merely clouting his head or throwing
stones at him) because I take it that it is his nature.
For-terriers are born with about four times as much
original sifi in them as other dogs are, and it will
take years and years of patient effort on the part
of us Christians to bring about any appreciable
reformation in the rowdiness of the fox-terrier
nature,,
I remember being in the lobby of the Haymarket
Stores one day, and all round about me were dogs,
waiting for the return of their owners, who were
shopping inside. There were a mastiff, and one or
two collies, and a St. Bernard, a few retrievers and
Newfoundlands, a boar-hound, a French poodle,
with plenty of hair round its head, but mangy about
the middle a bull-dog, a few Lowther Arcade sort
;

of animals, about the size of rats, and a couple of

Yorkshire tykes.
186 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

There they sat, patient, good, and thoughtful. A

solemn peacefulness seemed to reign in that lobby.
—
An air of calmness and resignation of gentle sad-
ness pervaded the room.
Then a sweet young lady entered, leading a
meek-looking little fox-terrier, and left him, chained
up there, between the bull-dog and the poodle. lie
sat and looked about him for a minute. Then he
cast up his eyes to the ceiling, and seemed, judging
from his expression, to be thinking of his mother.
Then he yawned. Then he looked round at the
other dogs, all silent, grave, and dignified.
He looked at the bull-dog, sleeping dreamlessly
on his right. He looked at the poodle, erect and
haughty, on his left. Then, without a word of
warning, without the shadow of a provocation, he
bit that poodle’s near fore-leg, and a yelp of agony
rang through the quiet shades of that lobby.
The result of his first experiment seemed highly
satisfactory to him, and he determined to go on and
make things lively all round. He sprung over the
poodle and vigorously attacked a colly, and the
colly woke up, and immediately commenced a fierce
and noisy contest with the poodle. Then Foxy
came back to his own place, and caught the bull-dog
by the ear, aud tried to throw him away and the
;

bull-dog, a curiously impartial animal, went for

everything he could reach, including tlie hall-porter,
which gave that dear little terrier the opportunity to
enjoy an uninterrupted fight of his own with an
equally willing Yorkshire tyke.
 THREE MEN' IN A BOAT 187

Any onewho knows canine nature need hardly be

told by this time, all the other dogs in the
that,
place were fighting as if their hearths and homes
depended on the fray. The big dogs fought each
other indiscriminately and the little dogs fought
;

among themselves, and filled up their spare time by

biting the legs of the big dogs.
The whole lobby was a perfect pandemonium,
and the din was terrific. A crowd assembled
outside in the Hay market, and asked if it was a
vestry meeting or, if not, who was being mur-
;

dered, and why ? Men came with poles and ropes,

and tried to separate the dogs, and the police were
sent for.
And in the midst of the riot that sweet young lady
returned, and snatched up that sweet littledog of
hers (he had laid the tyke up for a month, and had
on the expression, now, of a new-born lamb) into
her arms, and kissed him, and asked him if he was
killed, and what those great nasty brutes of dogs
had been doing to him and he nestled up against
;

her, and gazed up into her face with a look that

seemed to say “ Oh, I’m so glad you’ve come to
:

take me away from this disgraceful scene !”

She said that the people at the Stores had no
right to allow great savage things like those other
dogs to be p#t with respectable people’s dogs, and
that she had a great mind to summon somebody.
Such is the nature of fox-terriers; and, therefore,
I do not blame Montmorency for his tendency to
row with cats; but he wished he had not given way
to it that morning.
 : :

188 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

We were, as I have said, returning from a dip,

and halfway up the High Street a cat darted out
from one of the houses in front of him, and began
to trot across the road. Montmorency gave a cry
of joy — the cry of warrior who sees his
a stern
enemy given over to his hands —
the sort of cry
Cromwell might have uttered when the Scots came
down the hill—and flew after his prey.
His victim was a large black Tom. I never saw
a larger cat, nor a more disreputable-looking cat.
It had lost half its tail, one of its ears, and a fairly
appreciable proportion of its nose. It was a long,
sinewy-looking animal. It had a calm, contented
air about it.

Montmorency went for that poor cat at the rate

of twenty miles an hour; but the cat did not hurry
—
up did not seem to have grasped the idea that its
life was in danger. It trotted quietly on until its
would-be assassin was within a yard of it, and then
it turned round and sat down in the middle of the

road, and looked at Montmorency with a gentle, in-

quiring expression that said
“Yes! You want me?”
Montmorency does not lack pluck but there was ;

something about the look of that cat that might

have chilled the heart of the boldest dog. He
stopped abruptly, and looked back atr Tom.
Neither spoke ; but the conversation that one
could imagine was clearly as follows
Thb Cat “ Can I do anything for yofi ?”
:

Montmokekcy :
“ No—no, thanks.”
 : ;:

THREE MEN IN A BOAT

The, Cat: “ Don’t you mind speaking, if you

reallywant anything, you know/ 5

Montmorency (baching down the High Street)

a Ob, no—not at all —certainly— don’t you trouble.
I—1 am afraid I’ve made a mistake. I thought I.

knew you. Sorry I disturbed you. 53

a
The Cat: Not at all —quite a pleasure. Sure:
you don’t want anything, now f 3

Montmorency {still baching) :

“ Not at all, thanks,
—not at all— very kind of you. Good -morn mg.”
The Cat “ Good-morning.
:

Then the cat rose,and continued his trot and ;

Montmorency, what he calls his tail carefully

fitting
in its groove, came back to us, and took up an un-
important position in the rear.
To this day, if you say the word a Cats !” to
Montmorency, he will visibly shrink and look up,
piteously dfc you, as if to say
“ Please don’t 53
We did our marketing after breakfast, and re-
victualed the boat for three days. George said we
—
ought to take vegetables that it was unhealthy not
to eat vegetables. He said they were easy enough
to cook, and that he would see to that ; so we got
ten pounds of potatoes, a bushel of peas, and a few
cabbages. We got a beefsteak pie, a couple of
gooseberry tarts, and a leg of mutton from the hotel
and fruit and cakes, and bread and butter, and jam,
and bacon and eggs, and other things we foraged
round about the town for.
Our departure from Marlow I regard as one of
 ^ ° ur ^rea ^ es ^ su ccesse ^
^

|||f ^ pressive, without being

ostentatious. We had
insisted at all the shops
we ^ a(i been to that the
things should be sent
w k
* fc ^ en
an(* there,
us
t ^ oae °^ your “ Yes, sir,
ftjFwfe

^WWmM y^P
1-t
^he boy will be
1
once :

down before" you are,

J^%\^ sir!’
5
then fooling and
about on the landing-
stage, and going back to the shop twice to have a
row about them, for os. We waited while the
basket was packed, and took the boy with us.
We went to a good many shops, adopting this
principle at each one and the consequence was that,
;

by the time we had finished, we had as fine a cob

lection of boys with baskets following us around as
heart could desire and our final march down the
;

middle of the High Street, to the river, most have

been as imposing a spectacle as Marlow kid seen for
many a long day*
 : :

THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

Tbe order of the procession was as follows

Montmorency, carrying a stick,

disreputable-looking curs, friends of Montmorency

fwo
George, carrying coats and rugs, and
smoking
a short pipe.

Harris, trying to walk with easy grace,

while

carrying a bulged- out Gladstone bag in

one hand and a bottle of lime-juice

in tbe other.

Green-grocer’s boy and baker’s boy, with baskets.

Boots from the hotel, carrying hamper.
Confectioner’s hoy, with basket.
Grocer’s boy, with basket.
Long-haired dog.
Cheesemonger’s boy, with basket
Odd man, carrying a bag.

Bosom companion of odd man, with his hands in

his pockets, smoking a short clay.

Fruiterer’s boy, with basket.
boots,
Myself, carrying three hats and a pair of
and trying
1
to look as if ! didn’t know it.

Six small boys, and four stray dogs.

When we got down to the landing-stage, the boat

man said
“ Let me see, sir; was yours a steam launch or a
house-boat ?”
On our informing him it was a double-sculling
skiff, he seemed surprised.

We had a good deal of trouble with steam

392 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

launches that morning. It was just before the

Henley week, and they were going up in large
numbers; some by themselves, some towing house-
boats. I do hate steam launches I suppose every
:

rowing man does. I never see a steam launeh but I

feel I should like to lure it to a lonely part of the
river, and there, in the silence and the solitude,
strangle it.

There is a blatant bumptiousness about a steam

launch that has the knack of rousing every evil in-

stinct in my nature, and I yearn for the good old
days, when you could go about and tell people what
you thought of them with a hatchet and a bow and
arrows. The expression on the face of the man who,
with his hands in his pockets, stands by the stem
smoking a cigar, is sufficient to excuse a breach of
the peace by itself and the lordly whistle for you
;

to get out of the way would, I am confident, insure

a verdict of “ justifiable homicide ” from any jury
of river men
They used to haw to whistle for us to
get out of
their way. If I may do so, without appearing
boastful, I think I can honestly say that our one small
boat, during that week, caused more annoyance and
delay and aggravation to the steam launches that we
came across than all the other craft on the river put
together. . .
“ Steam launch coming!” one of us would ery out,
on sighting the enemy in the distance and in an
;

instant everything was got ready to receive her.

I would take the lines, and Harris and George would
 : ;

THREE Mm m A BOAT. 193

sit down beside me, all of us with our backs to the

launch, and the boat would drift out quietly into
midstream.
On would come the launch, whistling, and on we
would go, drifting. At about a hundred yards off,
she would start whistling like mad, and the people
would come and lean over the side, and roar at us
but we never heard them Harris would be telling
!

us an anecdote about his mother, and George and I

would not have missed a word of it for worlds.
Then that launch would give one final shriek of a
whistle that would nearly burst the boiler, and she
would reverse her engines, and blow off steam, and
swing round and get aground every one on board
;

of it would rush to the bow and 3T ell to us, and the

people on the bank would stand and shout to us, and
all the other passing boats would stop and join in,

till the whole river for miles up and down was in a

state of frantic commotion. And then Harris

would break off in the most interesting part of his
narrative, and look up with mild surprise, and
say to George:
“ Why, George, bless me, if here isn’t a steam
launch !”

And George would answer

“Well, do you know, I thought I heard some-
thing !” *
Upon which he would get nervous and confused,
and not know how to get the boat out of the way,
and the people in the launch would crowd round and
instruct us : .. ,
194 TEE WE MEN IN A BOAT,

“ Poll jour right —

you, you idiot back with your
!

left. — —
No, not you the other one leave the lines
alone, can’t you —
now, both together. NOT that
way* Oh, you !”

Then they would lower a boat and come to our

assistance, and after a quarter of an hour’s effort
would get us clean out of their way, so that they
could go on, and we would thank them so much
and ask them to give us a tow. But they never
would.
Another good way we discovered of irritating the
aristocratic type of steam launch was to mistake
them for a bean-feast and ask them if they were
Messrs. Cubit’s lot or the Bermondsey Good Tem-
plars, and could they lend us a saucepan.
Old ladies, not accustomed to the river, are
always intensely nervous of steam launches. 1
remember going up once from Staines to Windsor
a stretch of water peculiarly rich in these mechan-
ical monstrosities — with a party containing three
ladies of this description. It was very exciting.
At the first glimpse" of every steam launch that
came in view they insisted on landing and sitting
down on the bank until it was out of sight again.
They said they were very sorry, but that they owed
it to their families not to be foolhardy.

We found ourselves short of water at Hambledon

Lock ; so we took our jar and went up to the lock-
keeper’s house to beg for some.
George was our spokesman. He put oifa winning
smile and said
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 195

a Oh, please could you spare us a little water ?”

“ Certainly/ 5 replied the old gentleman “ take as
;

much as you want and leave the rest.”

“ Thank you so much,” murmured George, looking
—
about him. “ Where where do you keep it T
a It’s always in the same place, my boy,” was the
stolid reply ;
“ just behind you.”
u I don’t see it,” said George, turning round.
“ Why, bless us, where’s your eyes ?” was the
man’s comment as he twisted George round and
pointed up and down the stream. “ There’s enough
of it to see, ain’t there ?”
“Oh!” exclaimed George, grasping the idea;
u but we can’t drink the river, you know.”
“No, but you can drink some of it,” replied the
old fellow. “ It’s what Tve drunk for the last fifteen
years.”
George told him that his appearance after the
course did not seem a sufficiently good advertise-
ment for the brand, and that he would prefer it out
of the pump.
We got some from a cottage a little higher up. I
dare say that was only river water if we had known.
But we did not know, so it was all right. What
the eye does not see the stomach does not get upset
over.
Wjq tried riyer water once, later on in the season,
but it was not a success. We were coming down
stream, and had pulled up to have tea in a back-
water nealh Windsor. Our jar was empty, and it
was a case of going without our tea or taking water
196 THEME MEN IN A BOAT

from the river, Harris was for chancing it. He said

it must be all right if we boiled the water. He said
that the various germs of poisons present in the
water would be killed by the boiling. So we filled
our kettle with Thames backwater and boiled it, and
very careful we were to see that it did boil.

¥e had made the tea, and were just settling

down comfortably to drink it, when George, with
his cup halfway to his lips, paused and exclaimed :

“ What’s that ?”
k(
What’s what?” asked Harris and L
“ Why
that ?” said George, looking westward.
Harris and I followed his gaze, and saw, coming
down toward us on the sluggish current, a dog. It
was one of the quietest and peacefulest dogs I have
ever seen. I never met a dog who seemed more
—
contented more easy in its mind. It was floating
dreamily on its back, with its four legs stuck up
straight into the air. It was what I should call a
full-bodied dog, with a well developed chest. On
he came, serene, dignified, and calm, until he was
abreast of our boat, and there, among the rushes, he
eased up, and settled down cozily for the evening.
George said he didn’t want any tea, and emptied
his cup into the water. Harris did not feel thirsty,
either, and followed suit. I had drunk half mine,
but I wished I had not.
I asked George if he thought I was likely to have
typhoid.
He said :
“ Oh, no he thought I had a very
good chance indeed of escaping it. Anyhow, 1
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 197

should know in about a fortnight, whether I had or

not.

'We went up the backwater to Wargrave. It is a

short cut, leading out of the right-hand bank about
half a mile above Marsh Lock, and is well worth
taking, being a pretty, shady little piece of stream,
besides saving nearly half a mile of distance.
Of course its entrance is studded with posts and
chains,and surrounded with notice boards, menacing
all kinds of torture, imprisonment, and death to
every one who dares set scull upon its waters —
wonder some of these riparian boors don’t claim the
air of the river and threaten every one with forty
shillings fine who —
breathes it but the posts and
chains a little skill will easily avoid and as for the
;

boards, von might, if you have five minutes to spare,

and there is nobody about, take one or two of them
clown and throw them into the river. Halfway up
the backwater, we got out and lunched and it was ;

during this lunch that George and I received rather

a trying shock.
Harris received a shock, too ; but I do not think
Harris’ shock could have been anything like so bad
as the shock that George and I had over the busi-
ness.
You see, itnvas in this way we were sitting in a
:

meadow, about ten yards from the water’s edge,

and we had just settled down comfortably to feed.
Harris had the beefsteak pie between his knees, and
was carving it, and George and I were waiting with,
our plates ready.
.198 THREE MEW 1W A BOAT
u Have yon got a spoon there ?” says Harris •
64
]
;

want a spoon to help the gravy with/'

The hamper was close behind us, and George and
I both turned round to reach one out. ¥e were
not live seconds getting it. When we looked round
again Harris and the pie were gone !

It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree

nor a bit of hedge for hundreds of yards. He could
not have tumbled into the river because we were on
the water side of him, and he would have had to
climb over us to do it.
George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at
each other.
“ Has he been snatched up to heaven f I
5

queried.
“ They’d hardly have taken the pie, too,” said
George.
There seemed weight in this objection, and we
discarded the heavenly theory.
“ I suppose the truth of the matter is,” suggested

George, descending to the commonplace and prac-

ticable, “ that there 'has been an earthquake.”
And then lie added, with a touch of sadness in
Ms voice “ I wish he hadn’t been carving that
:

pie.”
With a sigh, we turned our eyes once more to-
ward the spot where Harris and thjp pie had last
been seen on earth and there, as our blood froze in
;

our veins and our hair stood up on end, we saw

Harris’ head —and —
nothing but his heard sticking
bolt upright among the tall grass, the face very red,
 three: men r.v a boat.

and bearing upon it an expression of great in-

dignation !

George was the first to recover.

“ Speak !” he cried, “ and tell us whether you are
alive or dead —
and where is the rest of you ?”
“ Oh, don’t be a stupid ass !” said Harris’ head
“ I believe you did it on purpose.”
“ Did what ?” exclaimed George and I.

—
u Why, put me to sit here darn silly trick!
Here, catch hold of the pie.”
And out of the middle of the earth, as it seemed
—
to us, rose the pie very much mixed up and
damaged ; and after it, scrambled Harris tumbled, —
grftbby, andVet.
He had been sitting, without knowing it, on the
very vergg of a small gully, the long grass hiding it
from view and in leaning a little back he had shot
;

over, pie and all. He said he had never felt so sur-

200 TEREK MEN IN A BOAT.

prised in all Mslife, as when he first felt himself

going, without being able to conjecture in the

slightest what had happened.
He thought at first that the end of the world had
come. Harris believes to this day that George and
I planned it all beforehand. Thus does unjust sus-
picion follow even the most blameless for, as the
;

poet says, “ who shall escape calumny P

Who, indeed t
 —

THREE MEN IN A BOAT, *01

CHAPTER XIY.
—
Wargrave. —Waxworks. Sonning. —Our Stew. — Montmor-
—
ency is sarcastic. Fight between Montmorency and the
teakettle.— George’s banjo studies.— Meet with discour-
agement.— Difficulties in the way of the musical amateur.
— Learning to play the bagpipes.— Harris feels sad after
—
supper. George and I go for a walk. — Return hungry
— —
and wet. There is a strangeness about Harris. Harris
and the swans, a remarkable story. — Harris has a
troubled night.

We caught a breeze, after lunch, which took us

gently up 'past Wargrave and Sfaiplake. Mellowed
in the drowsy sunlight of a summer’s afternoon,
Wargrave, nestling where the river bends, makes a
sweet old picture as you pass it, and one that lingers
long upon the retina of memory.
The George and Dragon at Wargrave boasts a
sign, painted on one side by Leslie, R. A., and on the
other by Hodgson of that ilk. Leslie has depicted
the fight Hodgson has imagined the scene, “ After
;

—
the Eight ” George, the work clone, enjoying his
pint of beer.
Day, the author of “ Sandford and Merton,” lived
and mom. credit to the place still—was killed at
Wargrave. In the church is a memorial to Mrs.
Sarah Hill, who bequeathed £1 annually, to be
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

divided at Easter, between two boysand t wo girls who

“have never been nndutifui to their parents; who
have never been known to swear or to tell untruths,
to steal, or to break windows.
7
Fancy giving up
’

all that for five shillings a year It is not worth it.

!

It is rumored in the town that once, many years

ago, a boy appeared who really never had done these
—
things or at all events, which was all that was re-
quired or could be expected, had never been known
—
to do them and thus won the crown of glory. He
was exhibited for three weeks afterward in the town
hall, under a glass case.
What has become of the money since no one
knows. They say it is always handed over to the
nearest wax-works show.
Shiplake is a pretty village, but it cannot be seen
from the river, being upon the hill. Tennyson was
married in Shiplake Church.
The river up to Sonning winds in and out through
many islands, and is very placid, hushed, and lonely.
Few folk, except, at twilight, a pair or two of rustic
lovers, walk along its banks. ’Arry and Lord Fitz-
noodle have been left behind at Henley, and dismal,
dirty Reading is not yet reached. It is a part
of the river in which to dream of bygone days, and
vanished forms and faces, and things that might
have been, but are not, confound them.
We got out at Sonning, and went for a walk
round the village. It is the most faiw-like little
nook on the whole river. It is more like a stage
village than one built of bricks and mortar. Every
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT 203

house is smothered in roses, and now, in early June*

they were bursting forth in clouds of dainty splendor.
If you stop at Sorming, put up at the Bull, behind
the church. It is a veritable picture of an old
country inn, with green, square courtyard in front,
where, on seats beneath the trees, the old men group
of an evening to drink their ale and gossip over
village politics; with low, quaint rooms and latticed
windows, and awkward stairs and winding passages.
We roamed about sweet Sonning for an hour or
so. and then, it being too late to push on past
Beading, we decided to go back to one of the Ship-
lake Islands, and put up there for the night. It was
still early when we got settled, and George said

that as we had plenty of time, it would be a splen-

did opportunity to try a good, slap-up supper.
He said be, would show us what could be done up
the river in the way of cooking, and suggested that,
with the vegetables and the remains of the cold
beef and general odds and ends, we should make an
Irish stew.
It seemed a fascinating idea. George gathered
wood and made a fire, and Harris and I started to

peel the potatoes. I should never have thought

that peeling potatoes was such an undertaking.
The job turned out to be the biggest thing of its
kind that I had ever been in. We began cheerfully,
one might almost say skittishly, but our light-
faeartednesspvas gone by the time the first potato
was finished. The more we peeled, the more peel
there seemed to be left on ; by the time we had got
 \

W4 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

all the peel off and all the eyes out, there was no
potato left — at least none
worth speaking of.
George came and had a look at it it was about the —
size ofa peanut. He said :

“ Oh, that won’t do You’re wasting them.

!

You must scrape them.”

So we scraped them, and that was harder work
than peeling. They are such an extraordinary
shape, potatoes— all bumps and warts and hollows.
We worked steadily for five-and-twenty minutes,
and did four potatoes. Then we struck. We said
we should require the rest of the evening for scrap-
ing ourselves.
I never saw such a thing as potato-scraping for
making a fellow in a mess. seemed difficult to
It
believe that the potato-scrapings in which Harris
and I stood, half smothered, could have come off
four potatoes. It shows you what can be done with
economy and care.
George said it was absurd to have only four
potatoes in an Irish stew, so we washed
half a
dozen or so more, and put them in without peeling.
We also put in a cabbage and about half a peck of
pease. George stirred it all up, and then he said
that there seemed to be a lot of room to spare, so
we overhauled both the hampers, and picked out
all the odds and ends and the remnants, and acfded
them to the stew. There were half a pork pie and
a bit of cold boiled bacon left, and we p**t them in
Then George found half a tin of potted salmon, and
he emptied that into the pot
 :

THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 205

He said that was the advantage of Irish stew ?

vo a got rid of such a lot of things. I fished out a

couple of eggs that had got cracked, and we put
those in. George said they would thicken the
gravy.
I forget the other ingredients, but I know nothing
was wasted and I remember that, toward the end,
;

Montmorency, who had evinced great interest in

the proceedings throughout, strolled away with an
earnest and thoughtful air, a few
reappearing,
minutes afterward, with a dead water-rat in his
mouth, which he evidently wished to present as his
contribution to the dinner: whether in a sarcastic
spirit, or with a genuine desire to assist, I cannot
say.
We had a discussion as to whether the rat should
go in or not.Harris said that he thought it would
be all right, mixed up -with the other things, and
that every little helped ; but George stood up for
precedent. He said he had never heard of water-
rats in Irish stew, and he ^vould rather be on the
safe side, and not try experiments.
Harris said
“ If you never try a new thing, how can you tell

what it’s like? It’s men such as you that hamper

the world’s progress. Think of the man who first
!”
tried German sausage
It was a great success, that Irish stew. I don’t
think I emv enjoyed a meal more. There was some-
thing so fresh and piquant about it. One’s palate
gets so tired of the old hackneyed things here was :
206 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

a dish with a new flavor, with a taste like nothin*

elseon earth.
And it was nourishing too. As George said, there
was good stuff in it. The pease and potatoes might
have been a bit softer, but we all had good teeth, so
that did not matter much and as for the gravy, it
:

—
was a poem a little too rich, perhaps, for a weak
stomach, but nutritious.
We finished up with tea and cherry tart. •
Mont-

morency had a fight with the kettle during tea-time,

and came off a poor secynd.
Throughout the trip, he had manifested great
curiosity concerning the kettle. He would sit and
watch it, as it boiled, with a puzzled expression, and
would try and rouse it every now and then by
growling at it. When it began to splutter and
steam, he regarded it as a challenge, and would w'afit
to fight it, only, at that precise moment, some one
would always dash up and bear off his prey before
be could get at it.
To-day he determined he would be beforehand.
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 207

At the first sound the kettle made, he rose, growling,

and advanced toward it in a threatening attitude.
It was only a little kettle, but it was full of pluck,
and it up and spit at him.
“ Ah would ye !” growled Montmorency, showing
!

46
his teeth; I’ll teach ye to cheek a hard-working,

respectable dog; ye miserable, long-nosed, dirty-

looking scoundrel ye. Come on !’•

And he rushed at the poor little kettle, and seized

it by the spout.

Then, across the evening stillness, broke a blood-

curdling yelp, and Montmorency left the boat, and
did a constitutional three times round the island
at the rate of thirty-five miles an hour, stopping
every now and then to bury his nose in a bit of
cool mud.
From 'that day Montmorency regarded the kettle
with a mixture of awe, suspicion, and hate. When-
ever he saw it he would growl and back at a rapid
rate, with his tail shut down, and the moment it was
put upon the stove he wr ould promptly climb out of
the boat and sit on the bank, till the whole tea
business was over.
George got out his banjo after supper, and wanted
to play but Harris objected : he said he had got
it,

a headache^and did not feel strong enough to stand

it George thought the music might do him good
— said music often soothed the nerves and took
away a i^eadache; and he twanged two or three
notes, just to show Harris what it was like.
Harris said he would rather have the headache.
 ;

208 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

George has never learned to play the banjo to

this day. He has had too much all-round discour-
agement to meet. He tried on two or three
evenings, while we were up the river, to get a little
practice, but it was never
5
a success. Harris
language used to be enough to unnerve any naan
added to which, Montmorency would sit and howl
steadily, right through the performance. It was
not giving the man a fair chance.
“What’s he want to howl like that for when I’m
playing?” George would exclaim indignantly, while
taking aim at him with a boot.
“ What do you want to play like that for when
he is howling?” Harris would retort, catching the
boot. “ You let him alone. He can’t help howling.
He’s got a musical ear, and your playing makes
him howl.”
So George determined to postpone study of the
banjo until he reached home. But he did not get
much opportunity even there. Mrs. P. used to
—
come up and say she ^was very sorry for herself,
—
she liked to hear him but the lady upstairs was in
a very delicate state, and the doctor was afraid it
might injure the child.
Then George tried taking it out with him late at
night, and practicing round the square. But the
inhabitants complained to the police alxmt it, anfi a
watch was set for him one night, and he was
captured. The evidence against him. was**ery clear,
and he was bound over to keep the peace for six
months.
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT 209

He seemed to lose heart in the business after that.

He did make one or two feeble efforts to take up
the work again when the six months had elapsed,
but there was always the same coldness the same —
want of sympathy on the part of the world to fight
against and, after awhile, he despaired altogether,
;

and advertised the instrument for sale at a great

sacrifice —
“ owner having no further use for same 5'

— and took to learning card tricks instead.

It must be disheartening work learning a musical
instrument. You would think that Society, for its
own sake, would do all it could to assist a man to
acquire the art of playing a musical instrument.
But it doesn’t!
I knew a young
fellow once, who was studying to
play the bagpipes, and you would be surprised at
the amount of opposition he had to contend with.
Why, not even from the members of his own famify
did he receive what you could call active encourage-
ment. His father was dead against the business
from the beginning, and spoke quite unfeelingly on
the subject. My friend used to get up early in the
morning to practice, but he had to give that plan
up, because of his sister. She was somewhat
religiously inclined, and she said it seemed such an
awful thing to begin the day like that.
So he sat up at night instead, and played after
the family had gone to bed, but that did not do, as
it got the braise such a bad name. People, going
home late, would stop outside to listen, and then
put it about all over the town, the next morning,
2Mt TEHEE MEN IN A BOAT.

that a fearful murder had been committed at Mr,

Jefferson’s the night before; and would describe
how they had heard the victim’s shrieks and the
brutal oaths and curses of the murderer, followed
by the prayer for mercy, and the last dying gurgle
of the corpse.
So they let him practice in the daytime, in the
back kitchen, with all the doors shut but his more;

successful passages could generally be heard in the

sitting-room, in spite of these precautions, and would
affect his mother almost to tears.
She said it put her in mind of her poor father (he
had been swallowed by a shark, poor man, while
bathing off the coast of New Guinea where the —
connection came in, she could not explain).
Then they knocked up a little place for him at the
bottom of the garden, about quarter of a mule from
the house, and made him take the machine down
there when he wanted to work it and sometimes a
;

visitor would come to the house who knew nothing

of the matter, and they would forget to tell him all
about it, and caution him, and he would go out for
a stroll round the garden and suddenly get within
ear-shot of those bagpipes, without being prepared
for it, or knowing what it was. If he were a man
of strong mind, it only gave him fits ;
but a person
of mere average intellect it mad. *
usually sent
There is, it must be confessed, something very sad
about the early efforts of an amateur in4?&gpipes. I
have felt that myself when listening to my young
friend. They appear to be a trying instrument to
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 211

perform upon.. You have to get enough breath for

the whole tune before you start—at least, so 1
gathered from watching Jefferson,
lie would begin magnificently with a wild, full,
'

come-to-the-battle sort of a note that quite roused

you. But he would get more and more piano as
he went on, and the last verse generally collapsed
in the middle with a splutter and a hiss.
You want to be in good health to play the bag-
s

pipes.
Young Jefferson only learned to play one tune on
those bagpipes; but I never heard any complaints
—
about the insufficiency of his repertoire none what-
ever. His tune was “ The Campbells are Corning,
—
Hooray Hooray P so he said, though his father
always held that it was 64 The Blue Bells of Scot-
land.” Nobody seemed quite sure what it was
exactly, but they all agreed that it sounded Scotch.
Strangers were allowed three guesses, and most
of them guessed a different tune each time.

—
Harris was disagreeable after supper I think it
must have been the stew that had upset him he is
;

—
not used to high living so George and I left him in
the boat, and settled to go for a mouch round Hen-
ley. He said he should have a glass of whisky and
a pipe, and lix things up for the night. We were to
shout when we returned, and he would row over
from the island and fetch us.
“ Don’t go to sleep, old man,” we said as we
started. -vi JY/'/U'P
212 THREE MEN IN A BOAT
4£
Not much fear of that while this stew’s on,” he
grunted, as he pulled back to the island.
Henley was getting ready for the regatta, and was
full of bustle. We
met a goodish number of men we
knew about the town, and in their pleasant company
the time slipped by somewhat quickly so that it ;

was nearly eleven o’clock before we set off on our

—
four-mile walk home as we had learned to call our
little craft by this time.
It was a dismal night, coldish, with a thin rain
falling and as we trudged through the dark, silent
;

fields talking low to each other, and wondering if

we were going right or not, we thought of the cozy
boat, with the bright light streaming through the
tight-drawn canvas; of Harris and Montmorency,
and the whisky, and wished that we were there.
We conjured up the picture of ourselves inside,
tired and a little hungry of the gloomy river and
;

the shapeless trees and, like a giant glow-worm

;

underneath them, our dear old boat, so snug and

warm and cheerful. We could see ourselves at
supper there, pecking away at cold meat, and pass-
ing each other chunks of bread; we could hear the
cheery clatter of our knives, the laughing voices,
filling all the space, and overflowing through the
opening out into the night. And we hurried on to
* **
realize the vision.
We struck the tow-path at length, and that made
us happy ; because prior to this we hjj^i not been
sure whether we were walking toward the river or
away from it, and when you are tired and want to go
 ! :

THREE MEN IN A BOAT ;

213

to bed ascertain ties like that worry yon. We passed

Smplake as the clock was striking the quarter to
twelve and then George said thoughtfully
;

“ You don’t happen to remember which of the

islands it was, do you ?”
“No,” I replied, beginning to grow thoughtful
too, “ I don’t. How many are there ?”
“ Only four,” answered George. “ It will be all
right if he’s awake.”
a And if not ?” I queried but we dismissed that
;

train of thought.
We shouted when we came opposite the first
island,but there was no response so we went to
;

the second, and tried there, and obtained the same

result.
“Oh! I remember now,” said George; “it was
the third one.”
And we ran on hopefully to the third one, and
hallooed.
No answer
The case was becoming
serious. It was now past
midnight. The hotels at Shiplake and Henley
would be crammed and we could not go round,
;

knocking up cottagers and householders in the

middle of the night, to know if they let apartments I
George suggested walking back to Henley and
assaulting a policeman, and so getting a night’s
lodging in the station-house. But then there was
the thought, “Suppose he only hits us back and
!”
refuses to U&k us up
We could not pass the whole night fighting police-
214 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

men. Besides, we did not want to overdo the thing

And get six months.
We despairingly tried what seemed in the dark-
less to be the fourth island, but met with no better
success. The rain was coming down fast now, and
evidently meant to last. We were wet to the skin,
and cold and miserable. We began to wonder
whether there were only four islands or more, or
whether we were near the islands at all, or whether
we were anywhere within a mile of where 'we ought
wrong part of the river altogether,
to be, or in the
everything looked so strange and different in the
the darkness. We began to understand the suffer-
ings of the Babes in the Wood.
Just when we had given up all hope—yes, I
know that is always the time that things do happen
in novels and tales but I can’t help it. I resolved,
;

when I began to write this book, that I 'would be

strictly truthful in all things; and so I will be,

even if I have to employ hackneyed phrases for the
purpose.
It was just when we had given up all hope, and
I must therefore say so. Just when we had given
up all hope, then, I suddenly caught sight, a little
way below us, of a strange, weird sort of glimmer
flickering among the trees on the opposite bank.
For an instant I thought of ghosts „it was such a
;

shadowy, mysterious light. The next moment it

flashed across me that it was our boat, and I sent
up such a yell across the water that maSfe the night
seem to shake in its bed.
 THREE MEN IN A BOA’l

We waited breathless for a minute, and then

—
oh! divinest music of the darkness we heard the
answering bark of Montmorency. W*e shouted back
loud enough to wake the Seven Sleepers I never —
could understand myself why it should take more
noise to wake seven sleepers than one and, after—
what seemed an hour, but what was really, I suppose,
about five minutes, we saw the lighted boat creep-
ing slowly over the blackness, and heard Harris’
sleepy voice asking where we were.
There was an unaccountable strangeness about
Harris. It was something more than mere ordinary
tiredness. He pulled the boat against a part of the
bank from which it was quite impossible for us to
get into it, and immediately went to sleep. It
took us an immense amount of screaming and roar-
ing to wake him up again and put some sense into
him ; but we succeeded at last, and got safely on
board.
Harris had a sad expression on him, so we noticed,
when we got into the boat. He gave you the idea
of a man who had been through trouble. We asked
if anything had happened, and he said :

“ Swans !”
It seemed we had moored close to a swan’s nest,
and soon after George and I had gone, the female
swan, came back, and kicked up a row about it.
Harris had chivvied her off, and she had gone away,
and fetched ug^ her old man. Harris said he had
had quite a fight with these two swans but courage
;

and skill had prevailed in the end, and he had

defeated them,.
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

Half an hour afterward they returned with eight-

een other swans! It must have been a fearful
battle, so far as we could understand Harris’ account
of it. The swans had tried to drag him and Mont-

isiS

•
^jr •'
*

m
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT 21 ?

* How many swans did you say there were

asked George.
“ Thirty -two,” replied Harris sleepily.
“ Yon said eighteen just now,” said George.
“Ho, I didn’t,” grunted Harris; “I said twelve.
Think I can’t count ?” ,

What were the real facts about these swans we

never found out. We questioned Harris on the
subject in the morning, and he said, “What swans?”
and seemed to think that George and I had been
dreaming.
Oh, how delightful it was to be safe in the boat
after our trials and fears ! We ate a hearty supper,
George and I, and we should have had some toddy
after it if we could have found the whisky, but we
could not. We examined Harris as to what he had
done witn it, but he did not seem to know what we
meant by “ whisky,” or what we were talking about
at all. Montmorency looked as if he knew some-
thing, but said nothing.
I slept well that night, and should have slept
better if it had not been for Harris. I have a vague
recollection of having been woke up at least a dozen
times during the night by Harris wandering about
the boat with a lantern, looking for his clothes.
He seemed to be worrying about his clothes all
night.
Twice he routed up George and myself to see if
we were lying on his trousers. George got quite
wild the seconzi time.
“ What the thunder do you want your trousers
218 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.
form the middle of the night?” he asked indig.
nantly. “Why don’t you lie down and go to

sleep?” * _ . ,

time I awoke be-

I found him in trouble the next
cause he could not find his socks,
and my last hazy
remembrance is of being rolled over on my side and
something about its
of hearing Harris muttering
umbrella
being an extraordinary thing where
his

could have got to.

 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

CHAPTER XV,
Household duties. —Love of work. — The old river band, whai
he does and what he tells you he has done. —
Skepticism
of the new generation. —Early boating recollections.—
Kafting. — George does the thing in style. —The old boat-
man, his method. — So calm, so of peace. — The be-
full
ginner. —Punting. —A sad accident. —Pleasures of friend-
ship.—Sailing, my first experience.— Possible reason why
we were not drowned.

mm m E WOKE late the next

S A' 11 s&Zl corning, and, at Harris 5

earnest desire, partook

of a plain breakfast,
U n011 dainties.
5'

Then we cleaned up,

i \
’MsJ and put everything
m \ straight (a continual
labor, which was be-
ginning afford me a
pretty clear insight into a question that had often
—
posed me namely, how a woman with the work of
only one house on her hands manages to pass away
her time), and^t about ten, set out on what we had
determined should be a good day’s journey*
 \ ;

m TEBEE MEN IN A BOAT

morning, as a
We agreed that we would pull this
thought the best
change from towing; and Harris
be that George and X should
arrangement would
scull, and he steer. I did not chime with this m
Harris would have been
idea at all I said I thought
;

he had suggested
showing a more proper spirit if

and let me rest a

that he and George should work,
to me that I
seemed was doing more than
bit It
share of the work on this trip,
and I was
mv fair
subject.
beginning to feel strongly on the
that I am doing more
It always does seem to me
I object to
work than I should do. It is not that
mind you I like work it fascinates me.
the work, ;
;

and look at it for hours. I love to keep it

I can sit

the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks

by me ;

my heart.
give me too much work to accumu-
You cannot ;

late work has almost become

a passion with me my ;

now, that there is hardly an

study is so full of it
shall have to throw
inch* of room for any more. I

out a wing soon.

And I am work, too. Why, some
careful’ of my
of the work that I have by me
now has been in my
possession for years and years, and
there isn t a

finger-mark on it. I take a great pride in my work

I take it down now and then and dust it. No man
keeps his work in a better state of preservation than
I do. :

But though I crave for work, I still like to be fair.

I do not ask for more than my
proper -share. 1

But I get it without asking for it at least, so it —

appears to me and —
this worries me.
 \ ;

THREE MEN IN A BOAT, 221

George says lie does not think 1 need trouble ‘my-

selfon the subject. He thinks it is only my over-
scrupulous nature that makes me fea^ I am having
more than my due and that, as a matter of fact, I
;

don’t have half as much as I ought. But I expect

he only says this to comfort me.
In a boat, I have always noticed that it is the
fixed idea of each member of the crew that he is
doing everything. Harris’ notion was, that it was
he alone who had been working, and that both
George and I had been imposing upon him. George,
on the other hand, ridiculed the idea of Harris’ hav-
ing done anything more than eat and sleep, and had
—
a cast-iron opinion that it was he George himself
— who had done all the labor worth speaking of.
He said he had never been out with such a
couple of lazy skulks as Harris and L
'

That amused Harris..:

“ Fancy old George talking about work !” he

laughed ; “ why, about half an hour of it would kill
him. Have you ever seen George work?” he added,
turning to me. o"
I agreed with Harris that 1 never had — most cer-
tainly not since we had started on this trip.
“ Well, I don’t see how you can know much about
it, one way or the other,” George retorted on Harris
w for I’m blest if you haven’t been asleep half the

time. Have you ever seen Harris fully awake ex-

cept at meal time ?” asked George, addressing me.
Truth compelled me to support George. Harris
had been very little good in the boat, so far as help
ing was concerned, from the beginning.
 ;

222 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

«
"Well, hang it all, I’ve done more than old J,,

anyhow,” rejoined Harris.

« Well, you* couldn’t very well have done less,

added George.
con-
« 1 suppose J. thinks he is the passenger,
tinued Harris.
And that was their gratitude to me for having
old boat all the
brought them and their wretched
superintended
way up from Kingston, and for having
everything for them, and taken care
and managed
for them. It is the way of the
of them, and slaved
world. .

We settled the present difficulty by arranging that

past Heading, and
Harris and George should scull up
on from there. Pulling
that I should tow the boat
stream has few attrac-
a heavy boat against a strong
long ago, when
tions for me now. There was a
time,

I used to clamor for the hard work : now I like to

give the youngsters a chance.
I notice that most of the
old river hands are
is any stiff pulling
similarly retiring, whenever there
tell the old river hand
to be done. You can a Ways
himself out upon
by the way in which he stretches
boat, and encour-
the cushions at the bottom of the
rowers by telling them anecdotes about
the
ages the
marvelous feats he performed last season.
!” he drawls,
« Call what you’re doing hard work
his contented whiffs, addressing
the two
between
grinding away
perspiring novices, who have been
steadily up stream for the last nouf and a half
and season, pulled
« why, Jim Biffles and Jack I, last
p

THRB*. A BOA l m
jip from Marlow to Goring in one afternoon
9
—never
stopped once. You remember that, Jack V
Jack, who has made himself a bed up in the prow
of all the rugs and coats he can collect, and who
has been lying there asleep for the last two hours,
partially wakes up on being thus appealed to, and
recollects all about the matter, and also remembers
that there was an unusually strong stream against
—
them all the way likewise a stiff wind.
“ About thirty-four miles, I suppose, it must have
been,” adds the first speaker, reaching down another
cushion to put under his head.
N—
“ o no don’t exaggerate, Tom,” murmurs
;

Jack reprovingly “ thirty -three at the outside.”

;

And Jack and Tom, quite exhausted by this con-

versational effort, drop off to sleep once more. And
the two simple-minded youngsters at the sculls feel
quite proud of being allowed to row such wonderful
oarsmen as Jack<and Tom, and strain away harder
than ever.
When I was a young man, I used to listen to
these tales from my elders, amd take them in, and
swallow them, and digest every word of them, and
then come up for more but the new generation do
;

not seem to have the simple faith of the old times.

— —
We George, Harris and myself took a “ raw un” ?

up jvith us o$ce last season, and we plied him with

the customary stretchers about the wonderful
things we had done all the way up.
W© gave^TSm all the regular ones— the time-
honored lies that have done duty up the river with
224 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

every boating man for years past —and added seven

entirely original ones that we had invented for our-
selves, including a really quite likely story, founded,
to a certain extent, on an all but true episode, which,
had actually happened a modified degree some
in
—
years ago to friends of ours a story that a mere
child could have believed without injuring itself
much.
And that young man mocked at them all, and
wanted us to repeat the feats then and there, and
to bet us ten to one that we didn’t.
We got to chatting about our rowing experiences
this morning, and to recounting stories of our first
efforts in the art of oarsmanship. My own earliest
boating recollection is of five of us contributing
threepence each and taking out a curiously con-
structed craft on the Eegent’s Park lake, drying
ourselves subsequently in the park-keeper’s lodge.
After that, having acquired a taste for the water,
I did a good deal of rafting in various suburban
—
brick-fields an exercise providing more interest
and excitement than might be imagined, especially
when you are in the middle of the pond and the
proprietor of the materials of which the craft is
constructed suddenly appears on the bank, with a
big stick in his hand.
Your first sensation on seeing this ^gentleman is

that, somehow or other, you don’t feel equal to

company and conversation, and that, if you could
do so without appearing rude, you“would rather
avoid meeting him ; and your object is, therefore., to
 THREE MEB. IN A BOAT 225

get off on the opposite side of the pond to which he

is, and to go home quietly and quickly, pretending

not to see him. He, on the contrary is yearning to

take you by the hand, and talk to you.
It appears that he knows your father, and is in-
timately acquainted with yourself, but this does not
draw you toward him. He says he’ll teach you to
take his boards and make a raft of them but, see-
;

ing that you know how to do this pretty well

already, the offer, though doubtless kindly meant,
seems a superfluous one on his part, and you are
reluctant to put him to any trouble by accepting it.
His anxiety to meet you, however, is proof
against all your coolness, and the energetic manner
in which he dodges up and down the pond so as to

be on the spot to greet you when you land is really

quite flattering.
If he be of a stout and short-winded build, you
can easily avoid his advances ; but, when he is of
the youthful and long-legged type, a meeting is in-
evitable. The interview is, however, extremely
brief, most of the conversation being on his part,
your remarks being mostly of an exclamatory and
monosyllablic order, and as soon as you can tear
yourself away you do so.
I devoted some three months to rafting, and,
beiug then a§ proficient as there was any need to
he at that branch of the art, I determined to go in
for rowing proper, and joined one of the Lea boat-
"
ing clubs.
Being out in a boat on the River Lea, esperk#dy
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

on Saturday afternoons, soon makes you smart at

handling a craft, and spry at escaping being run
down by roughs or swamped by barges ; and it also
affords plenty of opportunity for acquiring the most
prompt and graceful method of lying down flat at
the bottom of the boat so as to avoid being chucked
out into tbe river by passing tow-lines.
But it does not give you style. It was not till I
came to the Thames that I got style. My style ot
rowing is very much admired now. People say it

is so quaint.
George never went near the water until he was
sixteen. Then he and eight other gentlemen of
about the same age went down in a body to Kew
one Saturday, with the idea of hiring a boat there,
and pulling to Bichmond and back one of their
;

number, a shock-headed youth, named Joskins, who

had once or twice taken out a boat on the Serpen-
tine, told them it was jolly fun, boating
The tide was running out pretty rapidly when
they reached the landing-stage, and there was a
stiff breeze blowing 'across the river, but this did

not trouble them at all, and they proceeded to select

their boat.
There was an eight-oared racing outrigger drawn
up on the stage that was the one that took their
;

fancy. They said they’d have that one, please.

The boatman was away, and only his boy was in
charge. The boy tried to damp their ardor for the
outrigger, and showed them twc^'or" three very
comfortable-looking boats of the family party build,
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT n'niv
AA (

but those would not do at all ;

the outrigger was
the boat they thought the}7 would look best in.

So the boy launched it, and they took off their

coats and prepared to take their seats. The boy
suggested that George, who, even in those claj s, 7

was always the heavy man of any party, should be

number four. George said he should be happy to
be number four, and promptly stepped into bow’s
place, and sat down with his back to the stern.
They got him into his proper position at last, and
then the others followed.
A particularly nervous boy was appointed cox,
and the steering principle explained to him by Jos-
kins. Joskins himself took stroke. He told the
others that it was simple enough all they had to
;

do was to follow him.

They said they were ready, and the boy on the
landing-stage took a boat-hook and shoved him off.
What then followed George is unable to describe
in detail He has a confused recollection of having,
immediately on starting, received a violent blow in
the small of the back from the butt-end of number
five’s scull, at the same time that his own seat
seemed to disappear from under him by magic, and
leave him sitting on tbe boards. He also noticed,
as a curious circumstance, that number two was at
the same instant lying on his back at the bottom of
the boat, witla his legs in the air, apparently in a
fit.

They passed-o^nder J&ew Bridge, broadside, at the

rate of eight miles an hour, Joskins being the only
238 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.
one who was rowing. George, on recovering his
seat, tried to help him, but, on dipping his oar into
the water, it immediately, to his intense surprise,
disappeared under the boat, and nearly took him
with it.
And then “ cox ” threw both rudder lines over-
board, and burst into tears.
How they got back George never knew, but it
took them just forty minutes. A
dense crowd
watched the entertainment from Kew Bridge with
much interest, and everybody shouted out to them
different directions. Three times they managed to
get their boat back through the arch, and three
times they were carried under it again, and every
time “cox” looked up and saw the bridge above
him he broke out into renewed sobs.
George said he little thought that afternoon that
he should ever come to really like boating.
Harris is more accustomed to sea rowing than to
river work, and says that, as an exercise, he prefers
it. I don’t. I remember taking a small boat out at
Eastbourne last summer ; I used to do a good deal
of sea rowing years ago, and I thought I should be
all right ; but I found I had forgotten the art en-
tirely. When one scull was deep down underneath
the water, the other would be flourishing wildly
about in the air. To get a grip of the water with
both at the same time I had to stand up. The
Parade was crowded with nobility and gentry, and
I had to pull past them in this ridiculous fashion.
I landed halfway down the beach, ami secured the
services of an old boatman to take me back.
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT 229

1 like to watch an old boatman rowing, especially

one who has been hired b}^ the hour. There is

something so beautifully calm and rdhtful about his
method. It is so free from that fretful haste, that
vehement striving, that is every day becoming
more and more the bane of nineteenth-century life.
He is not forever straining himself to pass all the
other boats. If another boat overtakes him and
passes himdoes not annoy him; as a matter of
it

fact, they do overtake him and pass him all

all —
those that are going his way. This would trouble
and irritate some people ; the sublime equanimity
of the hired boatman under the ordeal affords us a
beautiful lesson against ambition and uppishness.
Plain practical rowing of the get-the-boat-along
order is not a very difficult art to acquire, but it

takes a gqod deal of practice before a man feels

comfortable when rowing past girls. It is the
“time” that worries a youngster. “It’s jolly
funny,” he says, as for the twentieth time within
five minutes he disentangles his sculls from yours;
“ I can get on all right when I’m by myself!”
To see two novices try to keep time with each
other is very amusing. Bow finds it impossible to
keep pace with stroke, because stroke rows in such
an extraordinary fashion. Stroke is intensely in-
dignant at this, and explains that what he has been
endeavoring to do for the last ten minutes is to
adapt his method to bow’s limited capacity. Bow,
in turn, then becomes insulted, and requests stroke
not to trouble his head about him (bow), but to
devote bis mind to setting a sensible stroke
 THEBE MEN IN A BOAT

« Or, shall 2 take stroke?” he adds, with the

evident idea that that would at once put the whole
matter right.®
They splash along for another hundred yards with
still moderate success, and then the whole secret

of their trouble bursts upon stroke like a flash of

inspiration.
aI tell you what it is :
you’ve got my sculls,” he
5
cries, turning to bow ;
£c
pass yours over.!
“ Well, do you know. I’ve been wondering how

itwas I couldn’t get on with these,” answers bow,

quite brightening up, and most willingly assisting
in the exchange. “Now we shall be all right.”

—
But they are not not even then. Stroke has to
stretch his arms nearly out of their sockets to reach
his sculls now ;
while bow’s pair, at each recovery,
hit him a violent blow in the chest. So they change
back again, and come to the conclusion that the man
has given them the wrong set altogether; and over
their mutual abuse of this man thef become T^uifce

friendly and sympathetic.

George said he had often longed to take to punt-
ing for a change. Punting is not as easy as it looks.
As in rowing, you soon learn how to get along and
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT 231

handle the craft, but it fakes long practice before

yon can do this with dignity and without getting
5
the water all up your sleeve.
One young man I knew had a very sad accident
happen to him. the first time he went punting. He
had been getting on so well that he had grown quite
cheeky over the business, and was walking up and
down the punt, working his pole with a careless
grace that was quite fascinating to watch.* Up he
would march to the head of the punt, plant his pole,
and then run along right to the other end, just like
an old punter. Oh it was grand.
!

And it would all have gone on being grand if he

had not, unfortunately, while looking round to enjoy
the scenery, taken just one step more than there
was any necessity for, and walked off the punt
altogether. The pole was firmly fixed in the mud,
and he was left clinging to it while the punt drifted
away. It was an undignified position for him. A
ruae boy on the bank immediately yelled out to a
lagging chum to “ hurry up and see a real monkey
on a stick.”
1 could not go to his assistance, because, as ill-luck
would have it, we had not taken the proper precau-
tion to bring out a spare pole with us. I could only
sit and look at him. His expression as the pole
slowly sunk nvith him I shall never forget there;

was so much thought in it.

I watched him gently let down into the water, and
saw him scramble out, sad and wet. I could not
help laughing, he looked such a ridiculous figure. I
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

continued to chuckle to myself about it for some

time, and then it was suddenly forced in upon me
that really I ba*d got very little to laugh at when I
eame to think of it. Here was I alone in a punt,
without a pole, drifting helplessly down midstream
—possibly toward a wear.
I began to feel very indignant with my friend for
having stepped overboard and gone off in that way.
He might, at all events, have left me the pole.

I driftedon for about a quarter of a mile, and

then I came in sight of a fishing-punt moored in
midstream, in which sat two old fishermen. They
saw me bearing down upon them, and they called
out to me to keep out of their way.
“ I can’t,” I shouted back.
“ But you don’t try,” they answered.
i explained the matter to them when I got nearer,
and they caught me and lent me a pole. The wear
was just fifty yards below. l am glacUhey happened
to be there.
The first time I went punting was in company
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 233

frith three other fellows

they were going to show
;

me how do it. We could not all start together,

to
so I said I would go down first and Jet out the punt,
and then I could potter about and practice a bit
until they came.
I could not get a punt out that afternoon, they
were ill engaged so I had nothing else to do but
;

to sit down on the bank, watching the river, and

waiting for my friends.
Ihad not been sitting there long before my attem
tion became attracted to a man in a punt who, I
noticed with some surprise, wore a jacket and cap
exactly like mine. He was evidently a novice at
punting, and his performance was most interesting.
You never knew what was going to happen when
he put the pole in; he evidently did not know him-
self. Sometimes he shot up stream, and sometimes
he shot down stream, and at other times he simply
spun round and came up the other side of the pole.
And with every result he seemed equally surprised
and annoyed.
The people about the river "began to get quite ab*
sorbed in him after awhile, and to make bets with
one another as to what would be the outcome of his
next push.
In the course of time my friends arrived on the
opposite bank, and they stopped and watched him
too. His back was toward them, and they only saw
his jacket and cap. From this they immediately
jumped to 'the conclusion that it was I, their beloved
companion, who was making an exhibition of him*
 THEME MEN ZZf A BOAT.

self, and their delight knew no bounds. They com-

menced to chaff him unmercifully,
I did not grasp their mistake at first, and 1
thought “ How rude of them to go on like that, with
a- perfect stranger, too!” But before I could callout

and reprove them, the explanation of the matter

occurred to me, and I withdrew behind a tree.
Oh, how they enjoyed themselves, ridiculing that
young man For five good minutes they stood there,
!

shouting ribaldry at him, deriding him, mocking

him, jeering at him. They peppered him with stale
jokes, they even made a few new ones and threw at
him. They hurled at him all the private family
jokes belonging to our set, and which must have
been perfectly unintelligible to him. And then, un-
able to stand their brutal jibes any longer,. he turned
round on them, and they saw his face.
I was glad to notice that they had sufficient
decency them
left in to look They
very foolish.
explained to him that they had thought he was
some one they knew. They said they hoped he
would not deem them capable of so insulting any
one except a personal friend of their own.
Of course their having mistaken him for a friend
excused it. I remember Harris telling me once of
a bathing experience he had at Boulogne. He was
swimming about there near the beach* when he felt
himself suddenly seized by the neck from behind,
and forcibly plunged under water. He struggled
violently, but whoever had got holt! of him seemed
to be a perfect Hercules in strength, and all his
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 235

efforts to escapewere unavailing. He had given

up kicking, and was trying to turn his thoughts
upon solemn things, when his captor released him.
He regained his feet, and looked round for his
would-be murderer. The assassin was standing
close by him, laughing heartily ; but the moment

be caught sight of Harris’ face, as it emerged from

the water, he started back and seemed quite
concerned.
“ I really beg your pardon,” he stammered con-
fusedly, “ but I took you for a friend of mine !”
Harris thought it was lucky for him the man had
not mistaken him for a relation, or he would prob-
ably have been drowned outright.
Sailing is a thing that wants knowledge and
—
practice too though, as a boy, 1 did not think so.
236 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

I had an idea it came natural to a body, like round-

ers and touch. 1 knew another boy who held this
view likewise, „and so, one windy day, we thought
we would try the sport. We were stopping down
at Yarmouth, and we decided we would go for a
trip up the Yare. We hired a sailing boat at the
yard by the bridge, and started off.
“ It’s rather a rough day,” said the man to us, as

we put off “ better take in a reef and luff sharp

:

when you get round the bend.”

We said we would make a point of it, and left
him with a cheery “ Good-morning,” wondering to
ourselves how you “ luffed,” and where we were to
get a “ reef ” from, and what we were to do with
it when we had got it.

We rowed until we were out of sight of the town

and then, with a wide stretch of water in front of
us, and the wind blowing a perfect hurricane across
it, we felt that the time had come to commence

operations.
Hector —I think that was his name— went
on
pulling while I unrolled the seemed a com-
sail. It
plicated job, but I accomplished it at length, and
then came the question, which was the top end ?
By a sort of natural instinct, we, of course, even
tually decided that the bottom was the top, and set
to work to fix it upside down. But it was a long
time before we could get it up, either that way or
any other way. The impression on the mind of the
sail seemed to be that we were playing at funerals,
and that I was the corpse and itself was the wind
ing-sheet.
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT 237

When it found that this was not the idea, it hit

me over the head with the boom, and refused to do
anything. ^
“ W
et it,” said Hector ;
“ drop it over and get it

wet.”
He said people in ships always wetted their sails
before they put them up. So I wetted it but that ;

only made matters worse than they were before.

A dry sail clinging to your legs and wrapping
itself round your head is not pleasant, but when
the sail is sopping wet, it becomes quite vexing.
We did get the thing up at last, the two of us to-
gether. We fixed it, not exactly upside down-
—
more sideways like and we tied it up to the mast
with the painter, which we cut off for the purpose.
That the boat did not upset I simply state as a
fact. Why it did not upset I am unable to offer
any reason. I have often thought about the matter
since, but I have never succeeded in arriving at any
satisfactory explanation of the phenomenon.
Possibly the result may have been brought about
by the natural obstinacy of ail things in this world
The boat may possibly have come to the conclusion,
judging from a cursory view of our behavior, that
we had come out for a morning’s suicide, and had
thereupon determined to disappoint us. That is the
only suggestion I can offer.
By clinging like grim death to the gunwale, we
just managed to keep inside the boat, but itwas ex-
hausting work^ Hector said that pirates and other
seafaring people generally lashed the rudder to
23S THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

something or other, and hauled in the main top-jib

during severe squalls, and thought we ought to try
to do something of the kind but I was for letting
;

her have her head to the wind.

As my advice was by far the easiest to follow,
we ended by adopting it, and contrived to embrace
the gunwale and give her her head.
The boat traveled up stream for about a mile at
a pace I have never sailed at since, and don’t want
to again. Then at a bend she heeled over till half
her was under water. Then she righted herself
sail

by a miracle and flew for a long, low bank of soft

mud.
That mud-bank saved us. The boat plowed its
way into the middle of it and then stuck. Finding
that we were once more able to move according to
our ideas, instead of being pitched and 'thrown
about like pease in a bladder, we crept forward and
cut down the sail. :
;

/ 'v

We had enough sailing. We did not want to

overdo the thing and get a surfeit of it. We had
had a sail— a good, all-yound, exciting, interesting
sail —
and now we thought we would have a row,
just for a change like.
We took the sculls and tried to push the boat off
the mud, and, in doing so, we broke one of the
sculls. After that we proceeded with great caution,
out they were a wretched old pair, and" the second
one cracked almost easier than the first, and left
us helpless. ,
The mud stretched out for about a hundred yards
 1HEEE MEF IF A BOAT.

in front of os, and behind us was the water. The

only thing to be done was to sit and wait until
some one came by.
It was not the sort of day to attract people out
on the river, and it was three hours before a soul
came in sight. It was an old fisherman who, with
immense difficulty, at last rescued us, and we were
towed back in an ignominious fashion to the boat-
yard.
What between tipping the man who had brought
m home, and paying for the broken sculls, and for
having been out four hours and a half, it cost us a
pretty considerable number of weeks’ pocket-money,
that sail. But we learned experience, and they say
that is always cheap at any price.
uo THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

CHAPTER XVI.
Reading.— We are towed by steam launch.— Irritating b&
havior of small boats. —How they get in the way of steam
launches. —George
and Harris again shirk their work.—
—
Rather a hackneyed story. Streatlev and Goring.

We came in sight of Reading about eleven. The

river is One does not linger
dirty and dismal here.
in the neighborhood of Reading. The town itself
is a famous old place, dating from the dim days of

King Ethelred, when the Hanes anchored their

warships in the Kennet, and started from Reading
to ravage all the land ofWessex; and here Ethel-
red and his brother Alfred fought and defeated
them, Ethelred doing the praying and Alfred the
fighting.
In later years, Reading seems to have been
regarded as a handy' place to run down to, when
matters were becoming unpleasant in London.
Parliament generally rushed off to Reading when-
ever there was a plague on at Westminster ; and
in 1625 the Law followed suit, and all the courts
were held at Reading. It must have" been worth
while having a mere ordinary plague now and then
in London to get rid of bom the lawyers and the
Parliament.
During the Parliamentary struggle, Reading was
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 241

besieged by the Earl of Esses, and a quarter of a

century later, the Prince of Orange routed King
James’ troops there.
Henry I. buried at Heading, in the Benedic-
lies
tine abbe}7founded by him there, the ruins of
which may still be seen ; and, in this same abbey,
great John of Gaunt was married to the Lady
Blanche.
At Heading Lock we came up with a steam
launch, belonging to some friends of mine, and they
towed us up to within about a mile of Streatley. It
is very delightful being towed up by a launch. I
prefer it myself to rowing. The run would have
been more delightful still, if it had not been for a
lot of wretched small boats that were continually
getting in the way of our launch, and, to avoid run-
ning down which, we had to be continually easing
and stopping. It is really most annoying, the man-
ner in which these rowing boats get in the way of
one’s launch up the river ; something ought to be
done to stop it.
And they are so confoundedly impertinent, too,
over it. You can whistle till you nearly burst your
boiler before they will trouble themselves to hurry.
I would have one or two of them run down now

and then, if I had my way, just to teach them

all a lesson.

The river becomes very lovely from a little above

Reading. The railway rather spoils it near Tile-
hurst, but from ^Mapledurham up to Streatley it is
glorious. A little above Hapledurham Lock you
242 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

pass Hardwick House, where Charles L played

bowls. The neighborhood of Pangbourne, where

the quaint littkvSwan Inn stands,

must be as famil-
of the Art Exhibitions as it is to
iar to the Habitues
its own inhabitants.
friends’ launch cast us loose just
below the
My
grotto, and then Harris wanted to make out that it
was my turn to pull. This seemed to
me most un-
the morning
reasonable. It had been arranged
in
miles above
that I should bring the boat up
to three
"Well, here we were, ten miles above
Beading.
Beading! Surely was now their turn again. I
it
Harris to see the
could not get either George or
so to save argu-
matter in its proper light, however ;

been pulling for

ment, I took the sculls. I had not
noticed
more than a minute or so, when George
something black floating on the water, and we drew
over, as we neared it, and
up to it. George leaned
with a cry,
laid hold of it. And then he drew back
and blanched face.
It was the dead body of a
woman. It lay very
face was sweet and
lightly on the water/ and the
was too pre.
c5m. It was not a beautiful face ; it
drawn, to be
maturely aged-looking, too thin and
that; but it was a gentle, lovable face, in spite of its

stamp of pinch and poverty, and

upon it was that
to the faces of the
look of restful peace that comes
pain has left them.
sick sometimes when at last the
Fortunately for us— we having no desire to be
coroner’s court*— some men on
kept hanging about
the bank had seen the body too, and now took
charge of it from ns. .
 THREE MEW IW A BOAT $4:3

We
found out the woman’s story afterward* Of
course it was the old, old vulgar tragedy* She had
—
loved and been deceived or had deceived herself*
—
Anyhow, she had sinned some of us do now and then
—
*
and her family and friends, naturally shocked and
indignant, had closed their doors against her. Left
to fight the world alone, with the mill-stone of her
shame around her neck, she had sunk ever lower
and lower. For awhile she had kept both herself
and the child on the twelve shillings a week that
twelve hours’ drudgery a day procured her, paying
six shillings out of it for the child, and keeping her
own body and soul together on the remainder.
Six shillings a week does not keep body and soul
together very unitedly. They want to get away
from each other when there is only such a very
slight bond as that between them ; and one day, I
suppose, the pain and the dull monotony of it all
had stood before her eyes plainer than usual, and
the mocking specter had frightened her. She had
made one last appeal to friends, but, against the
chill wall of their respectability, the voice of the
erring outcast fell unheeded and then she had
;

—
gone to see her child had held it in her arms and
kissed it, in a weary, dull sort of way, and without
betraying any particular emotion of any kind, and
had left it, after putting into its hand a penny box
of chocolate she had bought it, and afterward, with
her last few shillings, had taken a ticket and come
down to 4oring.
it seemed that the bitterest thoughts of her life
244 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.
reaches and
must have centered about the wooded
around (Coring hut
the bright green meadows ,

that stabs them, and

women strangely hug the knife
perhaps, amid the gall, there may
have mingled also
upon those
sunny memories of sweetest hours, spent
trees bend
shadowed deeps over which the great
their branches down so low.
She had wandered about the woods by the
river’s

and then, when evening fell and the

brink all day,
the waters,
gray twilight spread its dusky robe upon
the silent river that
she stretched her arms out to

had known her sorrow and her joy. And the old
gentle arms, and had
river had taken her into its
bosom, and had hushed
laid her weary head upon its
away the pain.
—
Thus had she sinned in all things sinned in
living and in dying, (rod help her and, all other
!

sinners, if any more there be.

on the
Goring on the left bank and Streatley
to stay at
right are both or either charming places
for afew days. The, reaches down to Pangboume
woo one for a sunny sail or for a moonlight row,
and the country round about is full of beauty. We
day,
had intended to push on to Wallingford that
lured us
but the sweet smiling face of the river here
at the
to linger for awhile ; and so we left our boat
bridge, and went up into Streatley, aid lunche'd at
the Bull, much to Montmorency’s satisfaction.
They say that the bills on each side of the stream
here once joined and formed a barrier across
what
is now the Thames, and that then
the river ended
 THREE MEW IW A BOAT 245

there above Goring in. one vast lake. I am not in

a position either to contradict or affirm this state-
ment. I simply offer it.
It is an ancient place, Streatiey, dating back, like
most river-side towns and villages, to British and
Saxon times. Goring is not nearly so pretty a
little spot to stop at as Streatiey, if you have your

choice but it is passing fair enough in its way, and

;

is nearer the railway in case you want to slip off

without paying your hotel bill.

246 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

CHAPTER XYII.

Washing-day. —Fish and fishers.— On the art of angling. -

A conscientious fly-fisher. —A fishy story.
We stayed two days at Streatley, and got our
clothes washed. We
had tried washing them our-
selves in the river, under George’s superintendence,
and it had been a failure. Indeed, it had been more
than a failure, because we were worse off after we
had washed our clothes than we were before. Be-
fore we had washed them, they had been very,
very dirty, it is true but they were just Wearable.
;

—
After we had washed them well, the river between
Reading and Henley was much cleaner, after we
had washed our clothes in it, than it was before.
All the dirt contained in the river between Reading
and Henley we collected during that wash, and
-worked it into our clothes.
The washerwoman at Streatley said she felt she
owed it to herself to charge us just three times the
usual prices for that wash. She said it had not
neen like washing, it had been more in the nature of
excavating.
We paid the bill without a murmur.
The neighborhood of Streatley and Q-oring is a
great fishing center. There is some excellent fish
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

mg to be had there. The river abounds in pike,

roach, dace, gudgeon, and eels, just here ;
and you
can sit and them all day.
fish for
Some people do. They never catch them. I
never knew anybody catch anything up the Thames,
except minnows and dead cats, but that has nothing
to do, of course, with fishing The local fisher-
!

man’s guide doesn’t say a word about catching any-

thing. All it says is the place is “ a good station

for fishing and from what I have seen of the dis-

trict, I am quite prepared to bear out this statement.

There no spot in the world where you can get
is

more where you can fish for a longer

fishing, or
period. Some fishermen come here and fish for a
day, and others stop and fish for a month. You can
hang on and fish for a year, if you want to ; it will
be all the same.
The “ Angler’s Guide to the Thames ” says that
“jack and percl? are also to be had about here,”
but there the “ Angler’s Guide ” is wrong. Jack
 !

248 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

and perch may he about there. Indeed, I know

for a fact that they are. You can see them
there in shoals*: when you are out for a walk along
the banks they come and stand half out of the
;

water with their mouths open for biscuits. And if

you go for a bathe, they crowd round, and get in
your way, and irritate you. But they are not to be
“ had ” by a bit of -worm on the end of a hook, nor
—
anything like it not they
I am not a good fisherman myself. I devoted a
considerable amount of attention to the subject at
one time, and was getting on, as I thought, fairly
well; but the old hands told me that I should never
be any real good at it, and advised me to give it up.
They said that I was an extremely neat thrower,
and that I seemed to have plenty of gumption for the
thing, and quite enough constitutional laziness.
But they were sure I should never make anything
of a fisherman. I had not got sufficient imagination.
They said that as a poet, or a shilling shocker, or
a reporter, or anything of that kind, I might be sat-
isfactory, but that, to gain any position as a Thames
angler, would require more play of fancy, more
power of invention than I appeared to possess.
Some people are under the impression that all
that is required to make a good fisherman is the
ability to tell lies easily and without, blushing,; but
this is a mistake. Here bald fabrication is useless;
the veriest tyro can manage that. It is in the cir-
cumstantial detail, the embellishing ' touches of
—
probability, the general air of scrupulous almost of
 THREE Mm m A BOAT. 249

pedantic —veracity, that the experienced angler is

seen.
Anybody can come in and say, “ Oh, I caught
fifteen dozen perch yesterday evening;” or “ Last
Monday I landed a gudgeon, weighing eighteen
pounds, and measuring three feet from the tip to
the tail.”
There no art, no skill, required for that sort of
is

thing. shows pluck, but that is all.

It
No ; your accomplished angler would scorn to tell
a lie, that way. His method is a study in itself.
He comes in quietly with his hat on, appropriates
the most comfortable chair, lights his pipe, and com-
mences to puff in silence. He lets the youngsters
brag away for awhile, and then, during a momentary
lull, he removes the pipe from his mouth, and re-

marks, as he knocks the ashes out against the bars :

“ Well, T had a haul on Tuesday evening that it’s

not much good my telling anybody about.”
“ Oh why’s that ?” they ask.
!

“Because I don’t expect anybody would believt,

me if I did,” replies the old felldw calmly, and with-
out even a tinge of bitterness in his tone, as he refills
his pipe, and requests the landlord to bring him
three of Scotch, cold.
There is a pause after this, nobody feeling suffi-
ciently sure of -himself to contradict the old gentle-
man. So he has to go on by himself without any
encouragement.
“ No,” he~ continues thoughtfully “ I shouldn’t
;

believe it myself if anybody told it to me, but it’s a

 tbeee men in a boat,

. _ flU that I had been sitting there all the

, ,
-oght literally nothing-^
W dozen dace and a
score of jack; and I
nas

S
!
a suddenly
job when I
^bout ortn* it up as a bad
I thought it
f ‘
f “mart pull at the line.

HaB 0
“
5
i
ir sir
t
—to land that fish ;
and

tr—ntll
5
thought the line

1
Tf™:
was? A sturgeon
eU look snrpmed- ” taken

a e please.”
of Scotch, landlord,
rU
1 ha“e ’anotber three
he goes on to d

Xf^tC^f whtL Buggies thought

an inn up the river once,

“ked the landlord ofsometimes,
j-j listening to the
..
not injure him, and
there told him
ies“e flXrme; about ;

to “d knock me It did used to

n now, 0 h \Q . ot sir.
me and the
fi _ t
’ ’ r or love jvou
out, Ijo
.
hllt ’ !

over a bit at first, vnn re

whatf you
?

all day now. It s

missus we listens to ’em ’
you’re used to.
"to you know. It’s what
man once, he was a
I knew a young
scientious fellow, and
when he took to »’ •

his hauls j
to exaggerate
he determined never
per cent.
more than twenty-five „ sat w hen
'When I have caught forty
« fish, ,

fifty, anc so on.

I will people that 1 have caught
tell
 ;

THREE MEN IN A BOAT 251

But I will not lie any more than that, because it is

5
sinful to lie .’
But the twenty-five per cent, plan did not work
well at ail. He never was able to use it. The
greatest number of fish he ever caught in one day
was three, and you can’t add twenty-five per cent,
to three —at least, not in fish.

So he increased his percentage to thirty -three-

and-a- thirdbut that, again, was awkward, when
;

he had only caught one or two so, to simplify

matters, he made up his mind to just double the
quantity.
He stuck to this arrangement for a couple of
months, and then he grew dissatisfied with it. Ho-
body believed him when he told them that he only
doubled, and he, therefore, gained no credit that
way whatever, while his moderation put him at a
disadvantage among the other anglers. When he
had really caught three small fish, and said he had
caught six, it used to make him quite jealous to
hear a man, who he knew for a fact had only
caught one, going about telling* people he had landed
two dozen.
So, eventually, he made one final arrangement
with himself, which he has religiously held to ever
since, and that was to count each fish that he canght
as ten, and to«assume ten to begin with. For ex-
ample, if he did not catch any fish at all, then he
—
said he had caught ten fish you could never catch
less than ten fish* by his system that was the foun-
;

dation of it. Then, if by any chance he really did

252 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

catch one fish, he called it twenty, while

two fish
would count thirty, three forty, and so on.
plan, and there
It is a simple and easily worked
has been some talk lately of its
1" being made use of
by the angling fraternity in general. Indeed, the
committee of the Thames Anglers Association did
recommend its adoption about two years ago, but
some of the older members opposed They said
it.

they would consider the idea if the number were

doubled, and each fish counted as twenty.
If ever you have an evening
to spare, up the

river, I should advise you to drop into one of the

littlevillage inns, and take a seat in the taproom.

You meet one or two old

will be nearly sure to
rodmen, sipping their toddy there, and they
will

half an hour to give

tell you enough fishy stories in
you indigestion for a month.
George and I— I don’t know what had become of
early in
Harris he had gone out and had a shave,
;

the afternoon, and had then come back

and spent
full forty minutes in pipe-claying
his shoes, we had

him since— George and I, therefore, and

not seen
the dog, left to ourselves, went for a walk to Wal-
lingford on the second evening, and, coming home,
we called in at a little river-side inn, for a rest, and
other things.
the parlor and sat -down. There
We went into
was an old fellow there, smoking a long clay pipe,
and we naturally began chatting.
He told us that it had been a fine day to-day, and
we told him that it had been a fine day yesterday,
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 2 do

and then we all told each other that we thought it

would be a fine day to-morrow and George said
;

the crops seemed to be coming up nicely.

After that it came out, somehow or other, that
we were strangers in the neighborhood, and that
we were going away the nest morning.
Then a pause ensued in the conversation, during
which our eyes wandered round the room. They
finally rested upon a dusty old glass case, fixed very

high up above the chimney-piece, and containing a

trout. It rather fascinated me, that trout ; it was
such a monstrous fish. In fact, at first glance I
thought it was a cod.
“ Ah !” said the old gentleman, following the
direction of my gaze, “ fine fellow that, ain’t he ?”
“ Quite uncommon,” I murmured; and George
asked the old man how much he thought it weighed.
“ Eighteen pounds six ounces,” said our friend,
rising and staking down his coat. “ Yes,” he con-
tinued, “ it wur sixteen year ago, come the third o*
254 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

next month, that I landed him. I caught him just

below the bridge with a minnow. They told me
he wur in the rjver, and I said I’d have him, and so
I did. You don’t see many fish that size about
here now, I’m thinking. Good-night, gentlemen,
good-night.”
And out he went, and left us alone.
We could not take our eyes off the fish after
that. It really was a remarkably fine fish. ¥«
were still looking at it when the local carrier, who
had just stopped at the inn, came to the door of the
room with a pot of beer in his hand, and he also
looked at the fish.
“ Good-sized trout that,” said George, turning

round to him.
“ Ah you may well say that, sir,” replied the
!

man and then, after a pull at his beer, he added

;
:

“ Maybe you wasn’t here, sir, when that fish was

caught ?”

“No,” we told him. We were strangers in the

neighborhood.
“ Ah !” said the carrier, “ then, of course, how
should you? It was nearly five years ago that I
caught that trout.”
“ Oh was it you who caught it, then ?” said I.
!

“Yes, sir,” replied the genial old fellow. “I

caught him just below the lock leastways, what—
—
was the lock then one Friday afternoon ; and the
remarkable thing about it is that I caught him with
a fly. I’d gone out pike-fishing, Jbless wou, never
thinking of a trout, and when I saw that whopper
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 255

At the end of my line, blest if it didn’t quite take

me aback. "Well, you see, he weighed twenty-six
pound. Good-night, gentlemen, good-night.”
Five minutes afterward a third man came in, and
described how he had caught it early one morning,
with bleak and then he left, and a stolid, solemn-
;

looking, middle-aged individual came in, and sat

clown over by the window.
None of us spoke fo>’ awhile but at length ;

George turned to the newcomer and said :

“ I beg your pardon, I hone you will forgive the

liberty that we —perfect strangers in the neighbor-
hood —are taking, but my and myself would
friend
be so much obliged if you would tell us how you
caught that trout up there.”
“Why, who told you I caught that trout?” was
the surprised query.
We said that nobody had told us so, but somehow
or other we felt instinctively that it was he who had
done it.
“Well, it's a most remarkable thing most —
remarkable,” answered the stolid stranger, laugh-
ing; “because, as a matter of fact, you are quite
right. I did catch it. But fancy your guessing it
like that. Dear me, it’s really a most remarkable
thing.”
And then he went on, and told us how it had taken
him half an liour to land it, and how it had broken
his rod.He said he had weighed it carefully when
he reached home, and it had turned the scale at
thirty-four pounds.
 !

256 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

He went and when he was gone, the

in his turn,
landlord came We told him the various
in to ns.
histories we h«,d heard about his trout, and he
was immensely amused, and we all laughed very
heartily.
“ Fancy Jim Bates and J oe Muggles and Mr.
Jones and old Billy Maunders all telling you that
they had caught it. Ha! ha! ha! Well, that is
good,” said the honest old fellow, laughing heartily.
“ Yes, they are the sort to give it me, to put up in
my parlor, if they had caught it, they are Ha !

ha! ha!”
And then he told us the real history of the fish.
It seemed that he had caught it himself, years ago,
when he was quite a lad not by any art or skill,
;

but by that unaccountable luck that appears to

always wait upon a boy when he plays the wag from
school, and goes out fishing on a sunny afternoon,
with a bit of string tied on to the end of a tree.
He said that bringing home that trout had saved
him from a whacking, and that even his school-
master had said it was worth the rule of three and
practice put together.
He was called out of the room at this point, and
George and I again turned our gaze upon the fish.
It really was a most astonishing trout. The more
we looked at it, the more we marveled at it. It 5-

excited George so much that he climbed up on the

back of a chair to get a better view of it.
And then the chair slipped, and George clutched
wildly at the trout-case to save himself, and down
 THBBB MEN IN A BOAT. 257

it came with a crash, George and the chair on top

of it.

“ You haven’t injured the fish, haye you?” I cried

in alarm, rushing up.
“ I hope not,” said George, rising cautiously and
looking about.
But he had. That trout lay shattered into a
—
thousand fragments I say a thousand, but they
may have only been nine hundred. I did not count
them.
We thought it strange and unaccountable that
a stuffed trout should break up into little pieces like
that.
And so would have been strange and unaccount-
it

able, if it had been a stuffed trout, but it was not.

That trout was plaster of Paris.
 CHAPTER XYIIL
Locks. —George and I are photographed.— Wallingford.--
—
Dorchester.— Abingdon.— A family man. A good spot
for drowning.— A difficult bit of water.—Demoralizing
effect of river air.

We left Streatley early the next morning, and

pulled up to Culham, and sleptunder the canvas, in
the backwater there.
The river is not extraordinarily interesting
between Streatley and Wallingford. From Oleve
you get astretch of six and a half miles without a
lock. I believe this is the longest uninterrupted
stretch anywhere above Teddington, and the Oxford
Club make use of it for their trial eights.
But however satisfactory this absence of locks
r
^may be to rowing-me n, it is to be regretted by the
mere pleasure-seeker.
For myself, I am fond of locks. They pleasantly
break the monotony of the pull. I like sitting in
the boat and slowly rising out of the cool depths up
into new reaches and fresh views or jinking down,
;

as it were, out of the world, and then waiting, while

the gloomy gates creak, and the narrow strip of
daylight between them widens till the fair smiling
river lies full before you, and you push your little

M
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT, 259

boat oat from its brief prison on to the welcoming

waters once again.
They are picturesque little spot£, these lochs.
The stout old lock-keeper, or his cheerful-looking
wife, or bright-eyed daughter, are pleasant folk to
have a passing chat with,* You meet other boats
there,and river gossip is exchanged. The Thames
would not be the fairy-land it is without its flower-
decked locks.
Talking of locks reminds me of an accident Georg©
and I very nearly had one summer’s morning at
Hampton Court.
It was a glorious day, and the lock was crowded ;

and, as is a common practice up the river, a specu-

lative photographer was taking a picture of us all
as we lay, upon the rising waters.
I did not catch what was going on at first, and
was, therefore, extremely surprised at noticing
George hurriedly smooth out his trousers, ruffle up
his hair, and stick his cap on in a rakish manner at
the back of his head, and then, assuming an expres-
sion of mingled affability and Sadness, sit down in a
graceful attitude, and try to hide his feet.
My first idea was that he had suddenly caught
sight of some girl he knew, and I looked about to
see who it was. Everybody in the lock seemed to

* Or rather were.The Conservancy of late seems to have

constituted itself into a society for theemployment of idiots.
A good many of the new lock-keepers, especially in the more
crowded portions of the river, are excitable, nervous old men,
quite unfitted for their post.
 :

260 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

bave been suddenly struck wooden. They were all

standing or sitting about in the most quaint and
curious attitudes I have ever seen off a Japanese
fan. All the girls were smiling. Oh, they did look
so sweet And all the fellows were frowning, and
!

looking stern and noble.

And then, at last, the truth flashed across me,
and I wondered if I should be in time. Ours was
the first boat, and it would be unkind of me to spoil
the man’s picture, 1 thought.
So I faced round quickly, and took up a position
in the prow, where I leaned with careless grace
upon the hitcher, in an attitude suggestive of agility
and strength. I arranged my hair with a curl over
the forehead, and threw an air of tender wistfulness
into my expression, mingled with a touch of cyni-
cism, which I am told suits me.
As we stood, waiting for the eventful moment, I
heard some one behind call out
“ Hi look at your nose.”
!

I could not turn round to see what was the matter,

and whose nose it was that was to be looked at. I
stole a side glance at George’s nose It was all
!

—
right at all events, there was nothing wrong with
itthat could be altered. I squinted down at my
own, and that seemed all that could be expected
also. /»» m
“ Look at your nose, you stupid ass !” came the
same voice again, louder.
And then another voice cried : r
“ Push your nose but, can’t you, you —you two
with the dog 1”
 : \

THREE MEN IN A BOAT, 261

Neither George nor I dared to turn round. The

man’s hand was on the cap, and the picture might
be taken any moment. Was it us they were calling
to? What was the matter with #ur noses? Why
were they to be pushed out ?
But now the whole lock started yelling, and a
stentorian voice shouted
a Look at your
boat, sir :
you in the red and black

caps. IBs your two corpses that will get taken in

that photo if you ain’t quick.”
We looked then, and saw that the nose of our
boat had got fixed under the woodwork of the lock,
wr hile the incoming water was rising all round it and
tilting it up. In another moment we should be over.
Quick as thought we each seized an oar, and a vigor-
ous blow against the side of the lock with the butt-
ends released the boat and sent us sprawling on our
backs.
We did not come out well in that photograph,
George and* I. Of course, as was to be expected,
our luck ordained it that the man should set his
wretched*machine in motion at the precise moment
that we were both lying on our backs with a wild
2-62 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

expression of “Where am I? and what is it?” on

our faces and our four feet waving madly in the
air.

Our were undoubtedly the leading article in

feet
that photograph. Indeed, very little else was to be
seen. They filled up the foreground entirely. Be-
hind them you caught glimpses of the other boats
and surrounding scenery, but everything
bits of the
and everybody else in the lock looked so utterly in-
significant and paltry compared with our -feet that
all the other people felt quite ashamed of themselves
and refused to subscribe to the picture.
The owner of one steam launch, who had bespoke
six copies, rescinded the order on seeing the nega-
tive. He said he would take them if anybody could
show him his launch, but nobody could. It was
somewhere behind George’s right foot.
There was a good deal of unpleasantness over the
business. The photographer thought we ought to
take a dozen copies each, seeing that the photo was
about nine-tenths us, but we declined. We said we
had no objection to being photo’d full length, but we
preferred being taken the right way up.

Wallingford, six miles above Streatley, is a very

ancient town, and has been an active center for the
making of English history. It was a rude, mud-
town in the time of the
built Britons, who squatted
there until the Roman them and re-
legions evicted
placed their clay -baked walls by mighty fortifica-
tions, the trace of which Time has not yet succeeded
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 263

in sweeping away, so well those old-world masons

knew how to build.
But Time, though he halted at Boman walls, soon
crumbled Homans to dust, and on ti?e ground in later
years fought savage Saxons and huge Danes until
the Normans came.
It was a walled and fortified town up to the time
of the Parliamentary War, when it suffered a long
and bitter siege from Fairfax. It fell at last, and
then the walls were razed.
From Wallingford up to Dorchester the neighbor-
hood of the river grows more hilly, varied, and
picturesque. Dorchester stands half a mile from
the river. It can be reached by paddling up the
Thames, if you have a small boat but the best way
;

is to leave the river at Day’s Lock, and take a walk

across the fields. Dorchester is a delightfully

peaceful- old place, nestling in stillness and silence
and drowsiness.
Dorchester, like Wallingford, was a city in ancient
British times; it was then called Oaer Doren, “the

eity on the water.” In more recent times the

Homans formed camp here, the fortifications
a great
surrounding which now seem like low, even hills. In
Saxon days it was the capital of Wessex. It is
very old, and it was very strong and great once,
Now it sits aside from the stirring world, and nods
and dreams.
'

-
,

Bound Clifton Hampden, itself a wonderfully

pretty village, n old-fashioned, peaceful, and dainty
with flowers, the river scenery is rich and beautiful
264 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

If you stay the night on land at Clifton, you can*

not do better than put up at the Barley Mow. It
is, without exception, I should say, the quaintest,

most old-world inn up the river. It stands on the

right of the bridge, quite away from the village.
Its low-pitched gables and thatched roof and
latticed windows give it quite a story-book appear-
ance, while inside it is even still more once-upon-a-
timeyfied.
It would not be a good place for the heroine of a
modern novel to stay at. The heroine of a modern
novel is always “divinely tall,” and she is ever
“ drawing herself up to her full height.” At the
Barley Mow she would bump her head against the
ceiling each time she did this.
It would also be a bad house for a drunken man
to put up at. There are too many surprises in the
way of unexpected steps down into this room and
up into that and as for getting upstairs to his bed-
;

room, or ever finding his bed when he got up,

either operation would be an utter impossibility to
him.
We were up early the next morning, as we
wanted to be in Oxford by the afternoon. It is
surprising how early one can get up, when camping
out. One does not yearn for “just another five
minutes” nearly so much, lying wrapped up in a
rug on the boards of a boat, with a Gladstone bag
for a pillow, as one does in a featherbed. We had
finished breakfast, and were through Clifton Lock
by half-past eight.
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 265

From Clifton to Culham the river banks are flat,

monotonous, and uninteresting, but, after you get
—
through Culham Lock the coldest^and deepest lock
—
on the river the landscape improves.
At Abingdon, the river passes by the streets.
Abingdon is a typical country town of the smaller
—
order qniet, eminently respectable, clean, and
desperately dull. It prides itself on being old, but
whether it can compare in this respect with Walling-
ford and Dorchester seems doubtful. A famous
abbey stood here once, and within what is left of its
sanctified walls they brew bitter ale nowadays.
In St. Nicholas’ Church, at Abingdon, there is a
monument to John Blackwall and his wife Jane,
who both, after leading a happy married life, died
on the very same day, August 21, 1625 ; and in St.
Helen’s Church, it is recorded that W. Lee, who
died in '1637, “ had in his lifetime issue from his
loins two hundred lacking but three.” If you work
this out you will find that Mr. W. Lee’s family
numbered one hundred and ninety-seven. Mr. W.
— —
Lee five times mayor of Abingdon was, no doubt,
a benefactor to his generation, but I hope there are
not many of his kind about in this overcrowded
nineteenth century.
From Abingdon to Nuneham Courteney is a
lovely stre1#h. Nuneham Park is well worth a
visit. It can be viewed on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
The house contains a fine collection of pictures and
curiosities, and, the grounds are very beautiful.
The pool under Sandford lasher, just behind the
26 $ THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

lock, a very good place to drown yourself in.

is

The undercurrent is terribly strong, and if you once

get down into rit you are all right. An obelisk
marks the spot where two men have already been
drowned, while bathing there ; and the steps of the
obelisk are generally used as a diving-board by
young men now who wish to see if the place really
is dangerous.
Iffley Lock and Mill, a mile before you reach
Oxford, is a favorite subject with the river-loving
brethren of the brush. The real article, however,
is rather disappointing, after the pictures. Few
things, I have noticed, come quite up to the pictures
of them, in this world.
We passed through Iffley Lock at about half-past
twelve, and then, having tidied up the boat and
made all ready for landing, we set to work on our
last mile.
Between Iffleyand Oxford is the most difficult
bit of the river I know. You want to be born on
that bit of water to understand it. I have been
over it a fairish number of times, but I have never
been able to get the hang of it. The man who
could row a straight course from Oxford to Iffley
ought to be able to live comfortably under one roof
with his wife, his mother-in-law, his elder sister, and
the old servant who was in the family -when he was
a baby.
First the current drives you on to the right bank,
and then on the left, then it takes you out into the
middle, turns round three times, and carries you up
and they in,ours, and, of course, as a consequence
of that, a good deal of bad language occurred.
I don’t know why it should be, but everybody is
always so* exceptionally irritable on the river.
Little mishap, that you would hardly notice on dry
268 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

land, drive you nearly frantic with rage when they

occur on the water. When Harris or George makes
an ass of himself-.on dry land, I smile indulgently ;
when they behave in a chuckle-head way on the
river, I use the most blood-curdling language to
them. When another boat gets in my way, I feel
I want to take an oar and kill all the people in it.

The mildest-tempered people, when on land,

become violent and bloodthirsty when in a boat.
I did a little boating once with a sweet young lady.
She was naturally of the sweetest and gentlest dis-
position imaginable, but on the river it was quite
awful to hear her. .

“ Oh, drat the man !” she would exclaim when

some unfortunate sculler would get in Iter way:
“why don’t he look where he’s going?”
 TERSE MEN IN A BOAT. 26 V

And, “ Oh, bother the silly !” she would

old thing
say indignantly, when the would
sail not go up
properly. And she would catch jiold of it and
shake it quite brutally.
Yet, as I have said, when on shore she was kind-
hearted and amiable enough.
The air of the river has a demoralizing effect
upon one’s temper, and this it is, I suppose, which
causes even bargemen to be sometimes rude to one
another, and to use language which, no doubt, in
their calmer moments they regret.
270 THREE MEM IN A BOAT

CHAPTER XIX.
Oxford. —Montmorency’s idea of heaven.—The hired up-river
and advantages. —The u Pride of the
boat, its beauties
Thames.”—The weather changes. — The river under differ*
ent aspects.— Not a cheerful evening.— Yearnings for the
unattainable.— The cheery chat goes round.— O-eorge per-
forms upon the banjo.— A mournful melody.—Another
—
wet day. Plight.— A little supper and a toast.

We spent two very pleasant days at Oxford.

There are plenty of dogs in the town of Oxford.
Montmorency had eleven fights on the first day,
and fourteen on the second, and evidently, thought
he had got to heaven.
Among folk too constitutionally weak, or too
constitutionally lazyj whichever it
may be, to relish up-stream work,
it is a common practice to get a
boat fit Oxford and row down. For
the energetic, however, the up*
stream journey certainly to be
is
preferred. It does not seem good to
be always going with the current.
There is more satisfaction in squaring*
one’s back,and fighting against it, and
winning one’s way forward in spite of
it— at least, so I feel, when Harris <&nd George are
sculling and I am steering.
 THREE MEN IN A BOA T. 271

'To those who do contemplate making Oxford

their starting-place, I would say, take your own
—
boat unless, of course, you can takp some one else’s
without any possible danger of being found out.
The boats that, as a rule, are let for hire on the
Thames above Marlow are very good boats. They
are fairly water-tight ; and so long as they are
handled with care, they rarely come to pieces or
sink. There are places in them to sit down on, and
they are complete with all the necessary arrange-
— —
ments or nearly all to enable you to row them
and steer them.
But they are not ornamental. The boat you hire
up the river above Marlow is not
the sort of boat in which you
can flash about and give yourself
airs. The hired up-river boat
very soon puts a stop to any
nonsense of that sort on the part
of its occupants. That is its chief — one may say,
its only recommendation.
The man in the hired up-river boat is modest and

retiring. He likes tokeep on the shady side under-

neath the trees, and to do most of his traveling
early in the morning or late at night, when there
are not many people about on the river to look at
him.
When the man inthe hired up-river boat sees any
one he knows, he gets out on to the bank, and hides
behind a tree.
I was one of a party who hired an up-river boat
2?2 THBEE MEN IN A BOAT.

©ne summer, for a few days’ trip. We had none of

ns ever seen the hired up-river boat before ; and we
die) not know what it was when we did see it.
£*

We —
bad written for a boat a double-seulling
skiff ; and when we went down with our bags to
the yard, and gave our names, the man said
“Oh, yes; you’re the party that wrote for a
double-sculling skiff. It’s all right. Jim, fetch
”
round ‘ The Pride of the Thames.’

The boy went, and reappeared five minutes after-

ward, struggling with an antediluvian chunk of
wood, that looked as though it had been recently
dug out of somewhere, and dug out carelessly, so as
to have been unnecessarily damaged in the process.
My own idea on first catching sight of the object,
—
was that it was a Roman relic of some sort relic of
what I do not know, possibly of a coffin.
The neighborhood of the upper Thames is rich in
Roman relics, and my surmise seemed to me a very
probable one ; but our serious young man, who is a
bit of a geologist, pooh-poohed my -Roman relic
theory, and said it was clear to the meanest intellect
(in which category he seemed to be grieved that he

could not conscientously include -mine) that the

thing the boy had found was the fossil of a whale;
 TBRBM MEN IN A BOAT. 273

and he pointed out to us various evidences proving

that it must have belonged to the pre-giaciai
period.
To settle the dispute, we appealed to the boy.
We told him not to be afraid, but to speak the
plain truth: Was it the fossil of a pre-Adamite
whale, or was it an early Eoman coffin?
The boy was “ The Pride of the Thames.”
said it

We thought this a very humorous answer on the

part of the boy at first, and somebody gave him
twopence as a reward for his ready wit but when ;

he persisted in keeping up the joke, as we thought,

too long, we got vexed with him.
“ Come, come, my
lad !” said our captain sharply,
“ don’t let us have any nonsense. You take your
mother’s .washing-tub home again, and bring us a
boat.”
The himself came up then, and
boht-builder
assured on his word, as a practical man, that the
us,
—
thing really was a boat was, in fact, the boat, the
“ double-sculling skiff ” selected to take us on our
trip down the river. *

We grumbled a good deal. We thought he might

at least have had it whitewashed or tarred —had
something done to it to distinguish it from a bit of a
wreck but he could not see any fault in it.
;

He, even sepmed offended at our remarks. He

said he had picked us out the best boat in all his
stock, and he thought we might have been more
grateful. *
,

He said it, “The Pride of the Thames,” had

274 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

been in stood (or rather as it now

use, just as it now
hung together) for the last forty years, to his
knowledge, and nobody had complained of it before,
and he did not see why we should be the first tc
begin.
We argued no more.
We fastened the so-called boat together with some
pieces of string, got a bit of wall-paper and pasted
over the shabbier places, said our prayers, and
stepped on board.
They charged us thirty-five shillings for the loan
of the remnant for six days ;
and we could have
bought the thing out and out for four-and-sixpence
at any sale of driftwood round the coast.
The weather changed on the third day oh I — !

am talking about our present trip now— and we

started from Oxford upon our homeward journey in
the midst of a steady drizzle.
The river—with the sunlight flashing from its

dancing gold the gray-green beech

rivulets, gilding
trunks, glinting through the dark, cool wood paths,
chasing shadows o’erdhe shallows, flinging diamonds
from the mill-wheels, throwing kisses to the lilies,
wantoning with the wear’s white waters, silvering
moss-grown walls and bridges, brightening every -

tiny townlet, making sweet each lane and meadow,

lying tangled in the rushes, peeping, laughing rfrom
each inlet, gleaming gay on many a far sail, making
soft the air with glory —
is a golden fairy stream.
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT. 275

with a sound as ’of a woman weeping low in some

dark chamber ; while the woods, all dark and silent,
shrouded in their mists of vapor, stand like ghosts
upon the margin ; silent ghosts witL eyes reproacb-

' the ghosts of evil actions, like the ghosts of

ful, like

friends neglected —
is a spirit-haunted water through

the land of v^in regrets.

Sunlight is the life-blood of Nature. Mother
Earth looks at us with such dull, soulless eyes when
the sunlight has, died, away from out of her. It
makes us sad to be with her then ;
she does not seem
276 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

toknow us or to care for us. She is as a widow

who has lost the husband she loved, and her children
touch her band, and look up into her eyes, but gain
no smile from her.
We rowed on all that day through the rain, and
very melancholy work it was. "We pretended, at
-

first, that we enjoyed it. W

e said it was a change,
that we liked to see the river under all its different
aspects. We said we could not expect to have it
all sunshine, nor should we wish it. We- told each
other that Nature was beautiful, even in her tears.
Indeed, Harris and I were quite enthusiastic about
the business, for the first few hours. And we sung
a song about a gypsy’s life, and how delightful a
gypsy’s existence was ! —
free to storm and sunshine,
and to every wind that blew !
—
and how he enjoyed
the rain, and what a lot of good it did 'him and;

how he laughed at people who didn’t like it.

George took the fun more soberly and stuck to
the umbrella.
We hoisted the cover before we had lunch and
kept it up all the ^afternoon, just leaving a little
space in the bow, from which one of us could paddle
and keep a lookout. In this way we made nine
miles and pulled up for the night a little below ,
Day’s Lock.
I cannot honestly say that we had a merry even-
ing. The rain poured down with quiet persisfency.
Everything in the boat was damp and clammy.
Supper was not a success. Cold veal pje, when you
don’t feel hungry, is apt to cloy' I felt I wanted
 THREE MBN I2T A BOAT, 277

whitebait and a cutlet ;

Harris babbled of soles and
white-sauce and passed the remains of his pie to
Montmorency, who declined it, and, apparently in-
sulted by the offer, went and sat over at the other
end of the boat by himself.
George requested that we would not talk about
these things, at all events until he had finished his
cold boiled beef without mustard.
We played penny nap after supper. We played
for about' an hour and a half, by the end of which
—
time George had won fourpence George always is
—
lucky at cards and Harris and I had lost exactly
twopence each.
He thought we would give up gambling then.
As Harris said, it breeds an unhealthy excitement
when carried too far. George offered to go on and
give us our revenge, but Harris and I decided not to
battle any further against Fate.
After that we mixed ourselves some toddy, and
sat round and talked.George told us about a man
he had known who had come up the river two years
ago, and who had slept out in -a damp boat on just
such another night as that was, and it had given
him rheumatic fever, and nothing was able to save
' him, and he had died in great agony ten days after-
ward. George said he was quite a young man, and
was .engaged to be married. He said it was one of
the saddest things he had ever known.
And that put Harris in mind of a friend of his
who had been in^the Yolunteers, and who had slept
out under canvas one wet night down at Aldershot,
 21 8 1EBKW MEN IN A BOAT
5
"‘on jast such another night as this, ’
said Harris,
and he had woke up in the morning a cripple for life.
Harris said he would introduce us both to the man
Iwhen he got back to town; it would make our
hearts bleed to see him.
This naturally led to some pleasant chat about
lung diseases and bronchitis,
sciatica, fevers, chills,
and Harris said how very awkward it would be if
one of us were taken seriously ill in the night, seeing
how far away we were from a doctor.
There seemed to be a desire for something frolic-
some to follow upon this conversation, and in a
weak moment I suggested that George should get
out his banjo and see if he could not give us a comic
song.
George that he did not want any
1 will say for
pressing. There was no nonsense about having left
his music at home or anything of that sort. He at
once fished out his instrument and commenced to
play “Two Lovely Black Eyes.”
I had always regarded “ Two Lovely Black Eyes’-
as rather a commonplace tune until that evening,
iThe rich vein of sadness that George extracted from
it quite surprised me.
The desire that grew upon Harris and myself, as
the mournful strains progressed, was to fall upon
each other’s neck and weep ; but by great effort we
kept back the rising tears, and listener! to the wild,
yearnful melody in silence.
When the chorus came we even made a desperate
effort to be merry. We refilled our glasses and
 i

THREE MEW IN A BOAT y

joined in ;
Harris, m a voice trembling with emotion,
leading, and George and I following a few words
behind: .

“ Two lovely black eyesf

Ob! what a surprise!
Only for telling a man be was wrong,
”
Two

There we broke down. The unutterable pathos

of George’s accompaniment to that “ two ” we
were, in ’our then state of depression, unable to
bear. Harris sobbed like a little child, and the dog
howled till I thought his heart or his jaw must
surely break.
George wanted to go on with another verse. He
thought that when he had got a little more into the
tune, and could throw more “ abandon,” as it were,
into the rendering, it might not seem so sad. The
feeling of the majority, however, was opposed to M
p
the experiment. i
There being nothing we went to bed
else to do,
— that is, we undressed ourselves, and tossed about
at the bottom of the boat for some three or four
hours. After which, we managed to get some fitful
slumber until five a. m., when we all got up and had
breakfast. I

: P
The second day was exactly like the first. The
rain, continued to pour down, and we sat, wrapped
up in our mackintoshes, underneath the canvas, and
drifted slowly down.
!

';

: ,

t§:
One of m— I forget which one now, but I rather
think it was myself— made a few feeble attempts

8
II
£80 TEHEE MEN IN A BOAT.

during the course of the morning to work up the old

gypsy foolishness about being children of Nature
and enjoying the wet; but it did not go down well
at all. That

“ I cannot for the rain, not I

!”

was so painfully evident, as expressing the senti-

ments of each of us, that to sing it seemed unneces-
sary.
On one point we were all agreed, and that was
that, come what might, we would go through with
this job to the bitter end. We had come out for a
fortnight’s enjoyment on the river, and a fortnight’s
enjoyment on the river we meant to have. If it killed
us well, that would be a sad thing for our friends
!

jp, and relations, but it could not be

helped. We felt that to give in
tk® weather in a climate such as
ours would be a most disastrous
precedent.
f “ It’s only two days more,” said
J
Jyppi Harris, “and we are young and
strong. We may get over it all right,
after all.”
At about four o’clock we began to discuss our
arrangements for the evening. We were a Jittle
past Goring then, and we decided to paddle on to
Pangboume, and put up there for the night.
“ Another jolly evening !” murmured -George.
We sat and mused on the prospect. We should
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT 281

be in at Pangbourne by five. We should finish

dinner at, say half-past six. After that we could
walk about the village in the pouring rain until bed
time ; or we could sit in a dimly ligated bar-parlor
and read the almanac.
“Why, the Alhambra would be almost more
lively,” said Harris, venturing his head outside the
cover for a moment and taking a survey of the
sky.
u With a little supper at the * to follow,” I
added, half unconsciously.
“ Yes, it’s almost a pity we’ve made up our minds
to stick to this boat,” answered Harris and then
;

there was silence for awhile.

“ If we hadn't made up our minds to contract our
certain deaths in this bally old coffin,” observed
George, lasting a glance of intense malevolence
over the boat, “ it might be worth while to mention
that there’s a train leaves Pangbourne, I know,
soon after five, which would just land us in town in
comfortable time to get a chop, and then go on to
the place you mentioned afterward.”
Nobody spoke. We looked at one another, and
each one seemed to see his own mean and guilty
^ thoughts reflected in the faces of the others. In
silence we dragged out and overhauled the Glad-

* A^capital littAe out-of-the-way restaurant, in the neigh *

borhood of ,
where you can get one of the best-eooked
and cheapest little French dinners or suppers that I know of,
with an excellent bottle of Beaune, for three-and-six and
;

which I ain not going to be idiot enough to advertise.

282 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

stone. We looked op the river and down the river •,

not a soul was in sight

Twenty minutes later, three figures, followed by
a shamed-looking dog, might have been seen creep-
ing stealthily from the boat-house at the Swan
toward the railway station, dressed in the following
neither neat nor gaudy costume
Bmck leather shoes, dirty ;
suit of boating flan-
nels,very dirty; brown felt hat, much battered;
mackintosh, very wet umbrella.
;

We had deceived the boatman at Pangbourne.

We had not had the face to tell him that we were
running away from the rain. We had left the
boat, and all it contained, in his charge, with in-
structions that it was to be ready for us at nine the
—
next morning. If, we said if anything unforeseen
should happen, preventing our return, we would
write to him.
We reached Paddington at seven, and drove
direct to the restaurant I have before described,
where we partook of a light meal, left Montmor-
ency, together with suggestions for a supper to be
ready at half-past ten, and then continued our way
to Leicester Square.
We attracted a good deal of attention at the"
Alhambra. On our presenting ourselves at the pay-
box we were gruffly directed to go rpund to Oastle
Street, and were informed that we were half an
hour behind our time.
We convinced the man, with sojne difficulty, that
we were not “ the world-renowned contortionists
 THREE MEW W A BOAT 283

from the Himalaya Mountains/’ and he took our

money and let us pass.
*
Inside we were still a greater success. Our fine
bronzed countenances and picturesque clothes were
followed round the place with admiring gaze. We
were the cynosure of every eye.
It was a proud moment for us all.
We adjourned soon after the first ballet, and
wended our way back to the restaurant, where
supper was already awaiting us.
I must confess to enjoying that supper. For
about ten days we seemed to have been living, more
or less, on nothing but cold meat, cake, and bread
and jam. It had been a simple, a nutritious diet,
but there had been nothing exciting about it, and
the odor^ of Burgundy, and the smell of French
sauces, and the sight of clean napkins and long
loaves knocked as a very welcome visitor at the door
of our inner man.
We pegged and quaffed away in silence for awb/ie,
until the time came when, instead of sitting bolt
upright, and grasping the knife and fork firmly, we
leaned back in our chairs and worked slowly and
carelessly —when we stretched out our legs beneath.
**
the table, let our napkins fall, unheeded, to the
floor, and found time to more critically examine the
smoky ceiling^ than we had hitherto been able to do
— when we rested our glasses at arm’s-length upon
the table, and felt good, and thoughtful, and for-
giving, *
i
0
.
V :
1 >;*

Then Harris, who was sitting next the window,

 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

drew aside the curtain and looked out upon the

the wet, the dim lamps

It glistened r darkly in
each gust, the rain splashed steadily
flickered with
into the puddlesand trickled down the water-spouts
into the running gutters. A few soaked wayfarers
their dripping
hurried past, crouching beneath
umbrellas, the women holding up their skirts.

“ Well,” said Harris, reaching his hand out for his

class,
<£
we have had a pleasant trip, and bay hearty

thanks for it to old Father Thames— but I think we

we Here’s to Three
did well to chuck it when did.
!”
Men well out of a Boat
And Montmorency, standing on his hind legs
into the night, gave
before the window, peering out
decided concurrence with the toast
3, short bark of
 T

TOLD AFTER SUPPER.

 —

INTRODUCTORY.

It was Christmas Eve.

I begin this way, because it is the proper, ortho-
dox, respectable way to begin, and Ihave been
brought up in a proper, orthodox, respectable way,
and taught to always do the proper, orthodox,
respectable thing and the habit clings to me.
;

Of course, as a mere matter of information it is

quite unnecessary to mention the date at all. The
experienced reader knows it was Christmas Eve
without" my telling him. It always is Chrismas Eve,
in a ghost story.
Christmas Eve is the ghosts’ great gala night. On
Christmas Eve they hold their annual fete. On
Christmas Eve everybody in Ghostland who is any-
—
body or rather, speaking pf ghosts, one should
say, I suppose, every nobody who is any nobody
comes out to show himself or herself, to see and to-
be seen, to promenade about and display their wind-
ing sheets and grave-clothes to each other, to criti-
cise one another’s style, and sneer at one another’s-
complexion.'
“ Christmas Eve parade,” as I expect they them-
selves terjn it, is a function, doubtless, eagerly
prepared for and looked forward to throughout
 !

288 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

Ghost-land, especially by the swagger set, such as

the murdered barons, the crime-stained Countesses,
and the earls who came over with the conqueror,
and assassinated their relatives, and died raving
mad.
Hollow moans and fiendish grins are, one may be
sure, energetically practiced up. Blood-curdling
shrieks and marrow-freezing gestures are probably
rehearsed for weeks beforehand. Rusty chains and
gory daggers are overhauled, and put into good
working order and sheets and shrouds, laid care-
;

fully by from the previous year’s show, are taken

down and shaken out, and mended and aired.
Oh, it is a stirring night in Ghostland, the night
of December the twenty-fourth
Ghosts never come out on Christmas night itself,
you may have noticed. Christmas Eve, we suspect,
has been too much for them they are not used to
;

excitement. For about a week after Christmas Eve,

the gentlemen ghosts, no doubt, feel as if they were
all head, and go about making solemn resolutions
to themselves that they will stop in next Christmas
Eve while the lady specters are contradictory and
;

snappish, and liable to burst into tears and leave the

room hurriedly on being spoken to, for no percep-
tible cause whatever.
Ghosts with no position to maintain— mere middle-
class ghosts —occasionally, I believe, do a little
haunting on off-nights :on All-hallows Eve, and at
Midsummer ;
and some will even run up -for a mere
local event —to celebrate, for instance, the anniver-
 TOLD AFTER SUPPER.

sary of the hanging of somebody’s grandfather, or

to prophesy a misfortune.
He does love prophesying a misfortune, does the
average British ghost. Send him out to prognos-
ticate trouble to somebody, and he is happy. Let
him force his way into a peaceful home, and turn
the whole house upside down by foretelling a fune-
ral, or predicting a bankruptcy, or hinting at a com-
ing disgrace, or some other terrible disaster, about
which nobody in their senses would want to know
sooner than they could possibly help, and the prior
knowledge of which can serve no useful purpose
whatsoever, and he feels that he is combining duty
with pleasure. He would never forgive himself if
anybody in his family had a trouble and he had not
been there for a couple of months beforehand, doing
silly tricks on the lawn, or balancing himself on
somebody’s bedrail.
Then there are, besides, the very young, or very
conscientious ghosts with a lost will or an undis-
covered number weighing heavy on their minds, who
will haunt steadily all the voar round and also the
:

fussy ghost, who is indignant at having been buried

in the dust-bin or in the village pond, and who never
gives the parish a single night’s quiet until some-
body has paid for a first-class funeral for him.
Hut these* As I have said, the
are the exceptions.
average orthodox ghost does his one turn a year, on
Christmas Eve, and is satisfied.
Why dn Christmas Eve, of all nights in the year,
I never could myself understand. It is invariably
290 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

—
one of the most dismal of nights to be out in cold,
muddy, and wet. And besides, at Christmas time,
everybody has quite enough to put up with in the
way of a houseful of living relations, without want-
ing the ghosts of any dead ones mooning about the
place, I am sure.
There must be something ghostly in the air of
Christmas — something about the close, muggy
atmosphere that draws up the ghosts, like the
dampness of the summer rains brings out 'the frogs
and snails.
And not only do the ghosts themselves always
walk on Christmas Eve, but live people always sit
and talk about them on Christmas Eve. Whenever
five or sis English-speaking people meet round a
fire on Christmas Eve, they start telling each other
ghost stories. Nothing satisfies us on Christmas
Eve but to hear each other tell authentic anecdotes
about specters. It is a genial, festive season, and we
love to muse upon graves, and dead bodies, and
murders, and blood.
There is a good deal of similarity about our
ghostly experiences : but this of course is not our
fault but the fault of the ghosts, who never will try
any new performances, but always will keep steadily
to the old, safe business. The consequence is that,
when you have been at one Christmas Eve party,
and heard six people relate their adventures with
spirits, you do not require to hear any more ghost

stories. To listen to any further ghost stories after

that would be like sitting out two farcical comedies,
 TOLD AFTER SUPPER .

or taking in two comic journals ; the repetition

would become wearisome.
There is always the young man who was, one
year, spending the Christmas at 'a country house,
and, on Christmas Eve, they put him to sleep in the
west wing. Then in the middle of the night, the
room door quietly opens and somebody generally —
—
a lady in her night-dress walks slowly in, and
comes and sits on the bed. The young man thinks
it must ’be one of the visitors, or some relative of

the family, though he does not remember having

previously seen her, who, unable to go to sleep, and
feeling lonesome, all by herself, has come into his
room for a chat. He has no idea it is a ghost he is :

so unsuspicious. She does not speak, however ; and,

when he looks again, she is gone
The young man relates the circumstance at the
breakfast table nest morning, and asks each of the
ladies present if it were she who was his visitor.
But they all assure him that it was not, and the
host, who has grown deadly pale, begs him to say
no more about the matter, which strikes the young
man as a singularly strange request.
After breakfast the host takes the young man
' into a corner, and explains to him that what he saw
was the ghost of a lady who had been murdered in
that very b§d, or who had murdered somebody else
—
there- it does not really matter which you can be
:

a ghost by murdering somebody else or by being

murdered* yourself, whichever you prefer. The
murdered ghost is, perhaps, the more popular ; but.
292 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

on the other hand, you can frighten people better if

you are the murdered one, because then you can
show your wounds and do groans.
Then there is 'the skeptical guest it is always —
u the guest ” who gets let in for this sort of thing,
by-the-by. A ghost never thinks much of his own
family : it is “ the guest ” he likes to haunt who after
listening to the host’s ghost story on Christmas
Eve, laughs at it,and says that he does not believe
there are such things as ghosts at all and -that he
;

will sleep in the haunted chamber that very night,

if they will let him.
Everybody urges him not to be recklessj but he
persists in his foolhardiness, and goes up to the
yellow chamber (or whatever color the haunted
room may be) with a light heart and a candle, and
wishes them all good-night, and shuts the door.
Next morning he has got snow-white hair.
He does not tell anybody what he has seen ; it is
too awful.
There is also the plucky guest, who sees a ghost,
and knows it is a ghost* and watches it, as it comes
into the room and disappears through the wainscot,
after which, as the ghost does not seem to be com-
ing back, and there is nothing, consequently, to be
gained by stopping awake, he goes to sleep.
He does not mention having seen the ghost to
any body, for fear of frightening them some people—
—
are so nervous about ghosts but determines to
wait for the next night, and see if the apparition
appears again.
 TOLD AFTER SUPPER, 29a

It does appear again, and, this time, he gets out

of bed, dresses himself and does his hair, and follows
it ; and then discovers a secret passage leading from,

the bedroom down into the beer-cellar a passage—

which, no doubt, was not unfrequently made use of
in the bad old days of yore.
After him comes the young man who woke up
with a strange sensation in the middle of the night,
and found his rich bachelor uncle standing by his
bedside. The rich uncle smiled a weird sort of
smile and vanished. The young man immediately
got up and looked at his watch. It had stopped at
half-past foui", he having forgotten to wind it.
He made inquiries the next day, and found that,,
strangely enough, his rich uncle, whose only nephew
he was, had married a widow with eleven children
at exactly a quarter to twelve, only two days ago.
The young man does not attempt to explain the
extraordinary circumstance. All he does is to vouch
for the truth of his narrative.
And, to mention another case, there is the gentle-
man who is returning home from a
late at night,
Freemasons’ dinner, and who, noticing a light issu-
ing from a ruined abbey, creeps up, and looks
^ through the keyhole. He sees the ghost of a “ gray *
sister” kissing the ghost of a brown monk, and is so
inexpressibly shocked and frightened that he faints
on the spot, and is discovered there the next morn-
ing, lying in a heap against the door, still speechless,
and with his faithful latch-key clasped tightly in his-

hand.
294 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

All these things happen on Christmas Eve, they

areall told of on Christmas Eve. For ghost stories to

be told on any other evening than the twenty -fourth

of December would be impossible in English society
as at present regulated. Therefore, in introducing
the sad but authentic ghost stories that follow here-
after, I feel that it is unnecessary to inform the
student of Anglo-Saxon literature that the date on
which they were told and on which the incidents
—
took place was Christmas Eve.
Nevertheless, I do so.
 TOLD AFTER SUPPER. 2m

HOW THE STORIES CAME TO BE TOLD.

It was Christmas Eve ! Christmas Eve at my
Uncle John’s Christmas Eve (there is too much
;

“ Christmas Eve ” about this book. I can see that

myself. It is beginning to get monotonous even to
me. But I don’t see llow to avoid it now) at No.
47 Laburnham Grove, Tooting ! Christmas Eve in
the dimly lighted (there was a gas-strike on) front
parlor, where the flickering firelight threw strange
shadows on the highly colored wall-paper, while
without, in the wild street, the storm raged pitilessly,
and the'wind, like some unquiet spirit, flew, moan-
ing, across the square, and passed, wailing with a
troubled cry, round by the milkshop.
We had had supper, and were sitting round, talk-
ing and smoking. .

—
We had had a very good supper a very good
supper, indeed. Unpleasantness has occurred since
in our family, in connection with this party.
Rumors have been put about in our family, con-
cerning the^matter generally, but more particularly
concerning my own share in it, and remarks have
been passed which have not so much surprised me,
because I know what our family are, but which
have pained me very much. As for my Aunt Maria,
 ;

296 TERSE MEN IE A BOAT.

I do not know when I shall care to see her again, i

should have thought Aunt Maria might have known
me better.
But although —gross injustice, as I shall
ifijustice

explain later on — has been done to myself, that shall

not deter me from doing justice to others ;
even to
those who have made unfeeling insinuations. I will
do justice to Aunt Maria’s hot veal pasties, and
toasted lobsters, followed by her own special make
of cheesecakes, warm (there is no sense,' to my
thinking, in cold cheesecakes ;
you lose half the
flavor), and washed down by Uncle John’s own
*

and acknowledge that they were

particular old ale,
most tasty. I did justice to them then ; Aunt
Maria herself could not but admit that.
After supper, uncle brewed some whisky-punch.
I did justice to that also Uncle John himself
;

said so. He said he was glad to notice that J

liked it.

Aunt went to bed soon after supper, leaving the

local curate, oldDoctor Scrabbles, Mr. Samuel
Coombes, our member of the County Council, Teddy
Biffles, and myself to keep uncle company. We
agreed that it was too early to give in for some
time yet, so uncle brewed another bowl of punch
and 1 think we all did justice to that at least 1 —
know I did. It is a passion with me, is the desire.to
do justice.
We sat up for a long while, and the doctor
brewed some gin-punch later on, for a change,
though I could not taste much difference myself
 —

TOLD AFTER SUPPER. 297

But it was all good, and we were very happy

everybody was so kind.

Uncle John told us a very fiymy story in the
course of the evening. Oh, it was a funny story !

I forget what it was about now, but I know it

amused me very much at the time I do not think
;

I ever laughed so much in all my life. It is strange

that I cannot recollect that story too, because he
told it us four times. And it was entirely our owd
fault that he did not tell it us a fifth. After that,
the doctor sang a very clever song, in the course of
which -he imitated all the different animals in a
farmyard. He did mix them a bit. He brayed for
the bantam cock, and crowed for the pig ; but we
knew what he meant all right.
I started relating a most interesting anecdote,
but was somewhat surprised to observe, as I went
on, that nobody was paying the slightest attention
to me whatever. I thought this rather rude of
them at first, until it dawned upon me that I was
talking to myself all the time, instead of out aloud,
so that, of course, they die? not know that I was
telling them a tale at and were probably puzzled
all,

to understand the meaning of my animated expres-

sion and eloquent gestures. It was a most curious
mistake for any one to make. I never knew such
a thing happen to me before.
Later on, our curate did tricks with cards. He
asked us if we had ever seen a game called the
“ Three Card Trick.” He said it was an artifice by
means of which low, unscrupulous men, frequenters
 ;

THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

of race-meetings and such like haunts, swindled

foolish young fellows out of their money. He said
itwas a very simple trick to do : it all depended on
the quickness ofthe hand. It was the quickness of
the hand deceived the eye.
He said he would show us the imposture so that
we might be warned against it, and not be taken in
by itand he fetched uncle’s pack of cards from
;

the tea-caddy, and, selecting three cards from

the pack, two plain cards and one picture card, sat
down on the hearthrug, and explained to us what
he was going to do.
He said :
“ How I shall take these three cards in
my hand— —
so and let you all see them. And then
them down on the rug, with the
I shall quietly lay
backs uppermost, and ask you to pick out .the pic-
ture card. And you’ll think you know which one
it is.”And he did it.
Old Mr. Ooombes, who is also one of our church
wardens, said it was the middle card.
“ You fancy you saw it,” said our curate,
smiling.
“ I don’t ‘ fancy ’ anything at all about it,” re-
plied Mr. Ooombes. “I tell you it’s the middle
- card. I’ll bet you half a dollar it’s the middle
card.”
“ There you are, that’s just what I was explaining
to you,” said our curate, turning to the rest of us
“ that’s the
way these foolish young fellows that I
was speaking of are lured on to lose their money.
They make sure they know the card, they fancy -they
 TOLD A FTER SUPPER

saw it They don’t grasp the idea that it is the

quickness of the hand that has deceived their eye 59 .

He said he had known young men go off to a boat

race, or a cricket match, with pounds in their pocket,
and come home, early in the afternoon, stone broke ;

having lost all their money at this demoralizing

game.
He said he should take Mr. Ooombes’ half-crown,
because it would teach Mr. Ooombes a very useful
lesson, and probably be the means of saving Mr.
Ooombes’ money in the future and he should give
;

the two-and-sixpence to.the blanket fund.

“ Don’t you worry about that,” retorted old Mr.
Ooombes. “ Don’t you take the half-crown out of
the blanket fund : that’s all.”
And he put his money on the middle card, and
turned it up.
Sure enough,it really was the queen

We were very much surprised, especially the

all

curate. He said that it did sometimes happen that

—
way, though that a man did sometimes lay on the
right card, by accident.
Our curate said it was, however, the most unfor-
tunate thing a man could do for himself, if he only
knew it, because, when a man tried and won, it gave
him a taste for the so-called sport, and it lured him
on into risking again and again until he had te ;

retirefrom Hie contest, a broken and ruined man.

Then he did the trick again. Mr. Ooombes said
it was tb% card next the coal-scuttle this time, and

wanted to put Eve shillings on it.

300 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

We laughed at him, and tried to persuade him

against it. He would listen to no advice, however,
but insisted on plunging.
Our curate said very well then he had warned
:

him and that was all that he could do. If he (Mr.

Coombes) was determined to make a fool of himself,
he (Mr. Coombes) must do so.
Our curate said he should take the five shillings
and that would put things right again with the
blanket fund.
So Mr. Coombes put two half-crowns on the card
next the coal-scuttle and tunned it up.
Sure enough, it was the queen again !

After that, Uncle John had a florin on, and he

won. (v'-.

And then we all played at it ; and we all won.

All except the curate, that is. He had a very bad
quarter of an hour. I never knew a man have such
hard luck at cards. He lost every time.
We had some more punch after that; and uncle
made such a funny mistake in brewing it he left :

out the whisky. Oh, we did laugh at him, and we

made him put in double quantity afterward, as a
forfeit.
Oh, we did have such fun that evening!
And then, somehow or other, we must have got
on to ghosts: because the next recollection I have
is that we were telling ghost stories to each other.
 —

TOLD AFTER SUPPER. 301

TEDDY BIEFLES’ STORY.

Teddy Biffles told the first story. I will let Mm

repeat it here in his own words.
(Do not ask me how it is that I recollect his own
exact words) whether I took them down in shorthand
at the time, or whether he had the story written out,
and handed me the MS.' afterward for publication
in this book, because I should not tell you if you
did. It is a trade secret.)
Biffies called his story

JOHNSON AND EMIIY;

OR

THE FAITHFUL GHOST

(teddy biffles’ story).

I was more than a lad when I first met with

little

, Johnson. I was home for the Christmas holidays,

*
and, it being Christmas Eve, I had been allowed to
sit up very late. On opening the door of my little
bedroom to 'go in, I found myself face to face with
Johnson, who was coming out. It passed through
me, and uttering a long low wail of misery, disap-
peared out of the staircase window.
302 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

—
I was startled for the moment I was only a
sehoolboy at the time, and had never seen a ghost
—
before and felt a little nervous about going to bed.
But, on reflection, I remembered that it was only-
sinful people that spirits could do any harm, to, and
so tucked myself np, and went to sleep.
In the morning I told the pater what I had
seen.
“ Oh, yes, that was old Johnson,” he answered.
“Don’t you be frightened of that ; he lives here.”
And me the poor thing’s history.
then he told
It seemed that Johnson,, when it was alive, had
loved, in early life, the daughter of a former lessee
of our house, a very beautiful girl, whose Christian
name had been Emily. Father did not know her
other name.
Johnson was too poor to marry the girl, so he
kissed her good-by, told her he would soon be back,
and went off to Australia to make his fortune.
But Australia was not then wha# it became later
on. Travelers through the bush were few and far
between in those early days ; and, even when one
was caught, the portable property found upon the
body was often of hardly sufficiently negotiable
value to pay the simple funeral expenses rendered
necessary. So that it took J ohnson nearly twenty
years to make his fortune.
The self-imposed task was accomplished at last,
however, and then, having successfully eluded the
police, and got clear out of the Colony, he. returned
to England, fuii of hope and joy, to Claim his bride
 TOLD AFTER SUPPER,

He reached the house to find it silent and deserted.

All that the neighbors could tell him was that, soon
after his own departure, the family had, on one foggy
night, unostentatiously disappeared, and that no-
body had ever seen or heard anything of them since,
although the landlord and most of the local trades-
men had made searching inquiries.
Poor Johnson, frenzied with grief, sought his lost
love all over the world. But he never found her,
and, after years of fruitless effort, he returned to
end his lonely life in the very house where, in the
happy bygone days, he' and his beloved Emily had
passed so many blissful hours.
He had wandering about
lived there quite alone,
the empty rooms, weeping and calling to his Emily
to come back to him and when the poor old fellow
;

died, his ghost kept the business on.

still

It was there, the pater said, when he took the

house, and the agent had knocked ten pounds a year
off the rent in consequence.
After that, I was continually meeting Johnson,
about the place at all times of the night, and so, in-
deed, were we all. We used to walk round it and
stand aside to let it pass, at first but when we ;

grew more at home with it, and there seemed no

necessity for so much ceremony, we used to walk
Straight through it. You could not say it was ever
much in the way. gv
It was a gentle, harmless old ghost, too, and we
all felt very sorry for it, and pitied it. The women
folk, indeed, made quite a pet of it for awhile Its
faithfulness touched them so.
304 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

Bat as time went on, it grew to be a bit of a

bore. You see it was full of sadness. There was
nothing cheerfuleor genial about it. You felt sorry
for it, but it irritated you. It would sit on the
stairs and cry for hours at a stretch ;
and whenever
we woke up in the night one was sure to hear it
pottering about the passages and in and out of the
different rooms, moaning and sighing, so that we
could not get to sleep again very easily. And
when we had a party on, it would come and sit out-
side the drawing-room door, and sob all the time.
It did not do anybody any ‘’harm exactly, but it cast
a gloom over the whole affair.
“ Oh, I’m getting sick of this old fool,” said the
pater, one evening (the dad can be very blunt,
when he is put out, as you know), after Johnson
had been more of a nuisance than usual, and had
spoiled a game of whist, by sitting up the chimney
and groaning, till nobody knew what were trumps
or what suit had been led, even. “We shall have
to get rid of him, somehow or other. I wish I
*
knew how to do it.”

“Well,” said the mater, “ depend upon it, you’ll

never see the last of him until he’s found Emily’s
grave. That’s what he is after. You find Emily’s
grave, and put him on to that, and he’ll stop there.

That’s the only thing to do. You mark, my words.”

The idea seemed reasonable, but the difficulty in
the way was that we none of us knew where
Emily’s grave was any more than thd ghost of
Johnson himself did. The governor suggested
 : —

TOLD AFTER SUPPER.

palming off some other Emily’s grave upon the

poor thing, but, as luck would have it, there did,
not seem to have been an Emily of any sort buried
anywhere for miles around. I never came across a
neighborhood so utterly destitute of dead Emilies.
I thought for a bit, and then I hazarded a sug-
gestion myself.
“Couldn’t we fake up something for the old
chap ?” I queried. “ He seems a simple-minded old
sort. He might take it in. Anyhow, we could but
try.”
“ By Jove, sowe will,”’ exclaimed my father ; and
the very next morning we had the workmen in, and
fixed up a little mound at the bottom of the
orchard with a tombstone over it, bearing the fol-
lowing inscription

SACRED
TO THE MEMOBY OS’

EMILY.
HEE LAST words' WEBE :

TELL JOHNSON I LOVE HIM.

“ That ought to fetch him,” mused the dad as he

surveyed the work when finished. “lam sure I
hope it does.”
‘

It did. 'A-:'-:.'::',' - :

:
:o
:

We lured him down there that very night; and

well, there, it was one of the most pathetic things!
306 TUBES MEN IN A BOAT.

have ever seen, the way

Johnson sprang upon that
old Squibbins the
tombstone and wept. Dad and
they saw it.
gardener cried like children when
more in the
Johnson has never troubled us any
every night now sob-
house since then. It spends
quite happy.
bing on the grave, and seems
“ There still?” Oh, yes. I’ll take you fellows
come to our
down and show you it next time you
general hours,
place— 10 p. m. to 4 a. m. are its
10 to 2 on Saturdays.
 :

TOLD AFTER SUPPER. 30?

v
'

' 1

ggp .
- , :

.
»

THE DOCTOR’S STORY.

i.T MADE me cry very much, that story, young
Biffles told it with so much feeling. We were all
a little thoughtful after it, and I noticed even the
old doctor covertly wipeaway a tear. Uncle John
brewed another bowl of punch, however, and we
gradually grew more resigned.
The doctor, indeed, after awhilebecame almost
cheerful, and told us about the ghost of one of his
patients..
I cannot give you his story. I wish I could.
They all said afterward that it was the best of the
lot—the most ghastly and terrible but I could not —
make any sense of it myself. It seemed so incom-
plete.
He began
all right and thfen something seemed
to happen, and then he was finishing it. I cannot
make out what he did with the middle of the story.
*
It ended up, I know, however, with somebody
finding something; and that put Mr. Coombes in
mind of a very curious affair that took place at an
old mill, once kept by his brother-in-law.
Mr. Coombes said he would tell us his story, and
before anybody «ould stop him, he had begun.
Mr. Coombes said the story was called
308
THREE MEN IN -4 BOAT.

THE HAUNTED MILL

the buined home

(mk. coomb es’ stoky).
Mr. Par-
Well you all know my brother-in-law,.
the long day pipe
WM (be-an Mr. Coombes, takiagbehind bis ear
it : we
tam S’mouth, and patting
brother-in-law, but we said
we di
did not know his that he
and you know ot course
so as to save time), went
mill in Surrey, and
once took a lease of an old
t0
years ago, this very
How^y oiT'must know that,
mill had been occupied
by a wicked old miser w o
was rumored-all his
died there, leaving-so
it
about the place.
money hidden soinewhere
one who had since come
Naturally enough, every
tried to find the treasure,
to live at the mill had
wise-
succeeded, and the local
but none had ever ghost
ever would, unless the
acres said that nobody
should, one -day, tafce-a.
of the miserly miller
and disclose to him the
fancy to one of the tenants,
secret of the hiding-place. .

brother-in-law did not attach

much impor-
My old woman s
0,0 «tmw. regarding it as an
 TOLD AFTER SUPPER. 309

tale,and, unlike Ms predecessors, made no attempt

whatever to discover the hidden gold.
“ Unless business was very different then from
what it is now,” said my brother-in-law, “ I don’t
see how a miller could very well have saved any-
thing, however much of a miser he might have
been at all events, not enough to make it worth
:

the trouble of looking for it.”

Still, he could not altogether get rid of the idea

of that treasure.
One night he went to bed. There was nothing
very extraordinary about -that, T admit. He often
did go to bed of a night. What was remarkable,
however, was that exactly as the clock of the
village church chimed the last stroke of twelve, ray
brother-in-law woke up with a start, and felt him-
self quite'unable to go to sleep again.
Joe (his Christian name was Joe) sat up in bed,
and looked around.
At the foot of the bed something stood very still,
wrapped in shadow.
It moved into the moonlight, and then my
brother-in-law saw that it was the figure of a
wizened little old man, in knee-breeches and a pig-
tail.

In an instant the story of the hidden treasure and

the old miser flashed across his mind.
“ He’s come to show me where
it’s hid,” thought

my and he resolved that he would

brother-in-law ;

not spend all this money on himself, but would

devote a small percentage of it toward doing good
to others.
 ’

310 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

The apparition moved toward the door : my

brother-in-law put on his trousers and followed it.
The ghost went downstairs into the kitchen, glided
over and stood in front of the hearth, sighed and
disappeared.
Next morning, Joe had a couple of bricklayers
in,and made them haul out the stove and pull
down the chimney, while he stood behind with a
potato-sack in which to put the gold.
They knocked down half the wall, and never
found so much as a four-penny bit. My brother-in-
law did not know what ter think.
The next night the old man appeared again, and
again led the way into the kitchen. This time,
however, instead of going to the fireplace, it stood
more in the middle of the room, and sighed there.
“ Oh, I see what he means now,” said my brother-
in-law to himself ; “ it’s under the floor. -Why did
the old idiot go and stand up against the stove, so
as to make me think it was up the chimney V
They spent the next day in taking up the kitchen
floor but the only thing they found was a three
;

pronged fork, and the handle of that was broken.

On the third night, the ghost reappeared, quite
unabashed, and for a third time made for the
kitchen. Arrived there, it looked up at the ceiling
and vanished.
“Umph! he don’t seem to have learned much
sense where he’s been to,” muttered Joe, as he
trotted back to bed; “ I should have ^thought he
might have done that at first.”
 TOLD A FTER SUPPER. 311

Still, there seemed no doubt now where the

treasure lay, and the thing after breakfast they
first
started pulling down the ceiling. They got every
inch of the ceiling down, and they took up the
boards of the room above.
They discovered about as much treasure as you
would expect to find in an empty quart-pot.
On the fourth night, when the ghost appeared, as
usual, my brother-in-law was so wild that he threw
his boots- at it ;
and the boots passed through the
body, and broke a looking-glass.
On the fifth night, when Joe awoke, as he always
did now at twelve, the ghost was standing in a de-
jected attitude, looking very miserable. There was
an appealing look in its large sad eyes that quite
touched my brother-in-law.
“ After all,” he thought, “perhaps the silly chan’s
doing his best. Maybe he has forgotten where he
really did put it, and is trying to remember. I’ll
give him another chance.”
The ghost appeared grateful and delighted at
seeing Joe prepare to follow Jiim, and led the way
into the attic, pointed to the ceiling, and vanished.
“Well, he’s hit it this time, I do hope,” said my
, brother-xn-jaw ; and next day they set to work to
take the roof off the place.
It took them three days to get the roof thoroughly
off, and all 'they found was a bird’s nest; after
securing which they covered up the house with tar-
paulins, to Jkeep it dry.
You might have thought that would have cured
312 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

the poor fellow of looking for treasure. But it

didn’t.
He said there must be something in it all, or the
ghost would never keep on coming as it did; and.
that, having gone so far, he would go on to the
end, and solve the mystery, cost what it might.
Night after night he would get out of his bed
and follow that spectral old fraud about the house.
Each night the old man would indicate a different
place ;
and, on each following day, my brother-in-
law would proceed to break up the mill at the point
indicated, and look for the treasure. At the end of
three weeks there was not a room in the mill fit to
live in. Every wall had been pulled down, every
floor had been taken up, every ceiling had had a
hole knocked in it. And then, as suddenly as they
had begun, the ghost’s visits ceased; and my
brother-in-law was left in peace, to rebuild the place
at his leisure.
“What induced the old image to play such a
silly trick upon a family man and a ratepayer ?”
Ah that’s just whatf I cannot tell you.
!

Some said that the ghost of the wicked old man -

had done it to punish my brother in-law for not be-

*"
lieving in him at first ; while others held that the
apparition was probably that of some deceased local
plumber and glazier, who would naturally take an
interest in seeing a house knocked about and
spoiled. But nobody knew anything for certain.
 TOLD AFTHit SUPPER. 313

INTERLUDE.
We had some more punch, and then the curate
told us a story.
I could not make head or tail of the curate’s story,
so I cannot retail it to you. We none of us could
make head or tail of that story. It was a good
story enough, so far as material went. There seemed
to be an enormous amount of plot, and enough in-
cident to have made a dozen novels. I never before
heard a story containing so much incident, nor one
dealing with so many varied characters.
I should say that every human being our curate
had ever- known or met, or heard of, was brought
into that story. There were simply hundreds of
them. Every five seconds he would introduce into
the tale a completely fresh collection of characters
accompanied by a brand-new $pt of incidents.
This was the sort of story it was
“ Well, then, my uncle went into the garden, and
- got his gun, but, of course, it wasn’t there, and
Scroggins said he didn’t believe it.”
“ Didn’t believe what? Who’s Scroggins ?”
“ Scroggins! Oh, why, he was the other man, you
know —
it was his wife.”
“ —
What was his wife what’s she got to do with it ?”
“ Why, that’s what I’m telling you. It was she
314 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

that found the hat. She’d come up with her cousin

to London— her cousin was my sister-in-law, and
the other niece had married a man named Evans,
and Evans, aftef -it was all over, had taken the box
round to Mr. Jacobs’ because Jacobs’ father had seen
the man, when he was alive, and when he was dead,
”
Joseph
“ Now look here, never you mind Evans and the
box ;
what’s become of your uncle and the gun ?”
“The gun! What gun?”
“ Why, the gun that your uncle used to keep in
the garden, and that wasn’t there. What- did he
do with it? any of these people with it
Did he kill

—these Jacobses and Evanses and Scrogginses and

Josephses ? Because, if so, it was a good and useful
work, and we should enjoy hearing about it.”
— — —
“ No oh, no how could he? he had been built
up alive in the wall, you know, and when Edward
IV. spoke to the abbot about it, my sister said that
in her then state of health she could not and would
not, as it was endangering the child’s life. So they
christened it Horatio, after her own son, who had
been killed at Waterloo before he was born, and _
”
Lord Napier himself said
“ Look do you know what you are talking
here, *

about ?” we asked him at this point.

He said “No,” but he knew it was every wqj-(1 of
it true, because his aunt had seen it herself. Where-

upon we covered him over with the tablecloth, and

he went to sleep. ^
-

And then uncle told us a story.

Uncle said his was a real story.
 TOLD AFTER SUPPER,
315

THE GHOST OP THE BLUE CHAMBER

(my uncle’s stoby).

I don t want
to make you fellows nervous,”
be-
gan my uncle in a peculiarly impressive, not
to say
blood-curdling, tone of voice, “ and if
you would
rather that I did not mention it, I
won’t; but, as
a matter of fact, this very house, in which
we are
now sitting, is haunted.”
“ You doi1 ’* say that !”
exclaimed Mr. Coombes.
“ ^ dat s ,’ nse of your saying I don’t say it
when I have just said it?” retorted my uncle some-
what pettishly. “ You do talk so foolishly.
I tell
you the house is haunted. Regularly on
Christmas
Eve the Blue Chamber” (they call the room next
to
the nursery the “ Blue Chamber,” at
my uncle’s,
most of the toilet service being, of that shade)
“is
^haunted by the ghost of a sinful man a man
once
— who
a Christmas wait with a lump of coal.”
killed
' “Sordid he do it?” asked Mr. Coombes, with
eager anxiousness. “ Was it difficult?”
“ 1 do not
- k“ow how he did it,” replied my uncle
“he did not explain the process. The wait had
taken up a position just inside the front
gate, and
was singing a ballad. It is presumed that, when
he
opened his mouth' for B flat, the lump of coal was
816 THREE MEET IN A BOAT

thrown by the sinful man from one of the windows,

and that it went down the wait’s throat and choked
him.”
“ You want to be a good shot, but it is certainly
worth trying,” murmured Mr. Coombes thought-
fully.
“ But that was not his only crime, alas !” added
my uncle. “ Prior to that he had killed a solo
cornet player.” "
...

a Ho! Is that really a fact?” exclaimed Mr.

Coombes.
“ Of course it’s a fact /’"answered my uncle testily
“ at all events, as much a fact as you can expect to
get in a case of this sort.
“ How very captious you are this evening. The
circumstantial evidence was overwhelming. The
poor fellow, the cornet player, had been in the
neighborhood barely a month. Old Mr. Bishop,
who kept the Jolly Sand Boys’ at the time, and
4

from whom I had the story, said he had never

known a more hard-working and energetic solo
cornet player. He; the cornet player, only knew
two tunes, but Mr. Bishop said that the man could^
not have played with more vigor, or for more hours
a day, if he had known forty. The two tunes her
did play were Annie Laurie’ and Home, Sweet
4 4

Home;’ and as regarded his performance of the

former melody, Mr. Bishop said that a mere child
could have told what it was meant for.
“ This musician— this poor, friendless artist used —
to come regularly and play in this street just oppo-
 ;

TOLD AFTER SUPPER. 31 ?

site for two hours every evening. One evening he

was seen, evidently in response to an invitation,
going into this very house, but was never seen com-
ing out of it /” *
“ Did the townsfolk try offering any reward for

his recovery ?” asked Mr. Coombes.

“Not a ha’penny,” replied my uncle.
“Another summer,” continued my uncle, “a
—
German band visited here, intending so they an-
—
nounced -on their arrival to stay till the autumn.
“On the second day from their arrival, the whole
company, as fine and healthy a body of men as one
would wish to see, were invited to dinner by this
sinful man, and, after spending the whole of the
next twenty-four hours in bed, left the town a
broken and dyspeptic crew the parish doctor, who
;

had attended them, giving it as his opinion that it

was doubtful if they would, any of them, be fit to
play an air again.”
—
“You you don’t know the recipe, do you?”
asked Mr. Coombes.
“ Unfortunately I do not,” replied my uncle
“ but the chief ingredient was said to have been
railway refreshment room pork-pie.
“I forget the man’s other crimes,” my uncle
went on;. “ I used to know them all a,t one time,
bnt niy memory is not what it was. I do not, how-
ever, believe Y am doing his memory an injustice in
believing that he was not entirely unconnected with
the death,, and subsequent burial, of a gentleman
who used to play the harp with his toes ; and that
 — I;

318 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

neither was he altogether unresponsible for the

lonely grave of an unknown stranger who had once
visited the neighborhood, an Italian peasant lad, a
performer uponr the barrel-organ.
“Every Christmas Eve,” said my uncle, cleaving
with low impressive tones the strange awed silence
that, like a shadow, seemed to have slowly stolen
into and settled down upon the room, “the ghost of
this sinful man haunts the Blue Chamber, in this
very house. There, from midnight until cock-crow,
amid wild muffled shrieks and groans and mocking
laughter and the ghostly sound of horrid blows, it
does fierce phantom fight with the spirits of the
solo cornet player and the murdered wait, assisted
at intervals by the shades of the German band
while the ghost of the strangled harpist plays mad
ghostly melodies with ghostly toes on the ghost of
a broken harp.”
Uncle said the Blue Chamber was comparatively
apartment on Christmas Eve.
useless as a sleeping
“Hark!” said my uncle, raising a warning hand
toward the ceiling, jvhile we held our breath, and
listened :
“ Hark ! I believe they are at it now —in
the Blue Chamber!”
I rose up, and said that / would sleep in the Blue
Chamber.
Before I you my own story, however— the
tell
story of what happened in the Blue Chamber —
would wish to preface it with
 '

TOLD AFTER SUPPER. 319

PERSONAL EXPLANATION.
I feel a good deal of hesitation about telling you
my own. You see it is not a story like
this story of
the other stories that I have been telling you, or
rather that Teddy Billies, Mr. Coombes, and my
uncle have been telling you it is a true story. It
:

is not a story told by a person sitting round a fire

on Christmas Eve, drinking whisky-punch : it is a
record of events that actually happened.
Indeed, it -is not a “ story ” at all, in the commonly
accepted meaning of the word it is a report. It is,
:

I feel, almost out of place in a book of this kind. It

is more ’suitable to a biography, or an English

history.
There is another thing that makes it difficult for
me to tell you and that is, that it is all
this story,
about myself. In telling you this story I shall have
to keep on talking about myself ; and talking about
ourselves is what we modern-day authors have a
strong objection to doing. If we literary men of the
new school have one praiseworthy yearning more
ever, present ^to our minds than another it is the
yearning never to appear in the slightest degree
egotistical.
I myself,^ so I am told, carry this coyness this —
shrinking reticence concerning anything connected
 :

320 TERRE MEE IE A BOAT.

with my own personality, almost too far ;

and peo-
ple grumble at me because of it. People come to
me and sav .

“Well, now, >hy don’t you talk about yourself a

bit ? That’s what we want to read about. Tell us
something about yourself.”
But I have always replied, “ No.’’ It is not that I
do not think the subject an interesting one. I can-
not myself conceive of any topic more likely to
prove fascinating to the world as a whole,, or at all
events to the cultured portion of it. But I will not
do it, on principle. It is inartistic, and it sets a bad
example to the younger men. Other writers (a few
of them) do it, I know but I will not— not as a
;

rule.
Under ordinary circumstances, therefore, I should
not tell you this story at all. I should say to my-
self, “ No It is a good story, it is a moral story, it
1

is a strange, weird, enthralling sort of a story and ;

the public, I know, would like to hear it and I ;

should like to tell it to them but it is all about my-

;

self —about what I said, and what I saw, and what

I did, and I cannot'" do it. My retiring, anti-eg-
nature will not permit me to talk in this way
tistical
about myself.”
But the circumstances surrounding this story are
not ordinary, and there are reasons prompting me,
in spite of my modesty, to rather welcome the op-
portunity of relating it.

As I stated at the beginning, there has been un-

pleasantness in our family over this party of oiirr/
 TOLD AFTER SUPPER. 327.

and, as regards myself in particular, and my share

in the events I am nowabout to set forth, gross
injustice has been done me.
As a means of replacing my character in its proper
light —of dispelling the clouds of calumny and mis-
conception with which it has been darkened I feel —
that my best course is to give a simple, dignified
narration of the plain facts, and allow the unpreju-
diced to judge for themselves. My chief object, I
candidly confess, is to clear myself from unjust
aspersion. —
Spurred by this motive and I think it
is an honorable and a right motive I find I am—
enabled to overcome my usual repugnance to talking
about mvself, and can thus tell
«w
 322 THREE MEN IN A BOAT

MY OWN STONY.
As soon as my uncle had finished his story, I as I
have already told you, rose up and said that I would
’

sleep in the Blue Chamber that very night.

“ Never !” cried my uncle, springing up. “ You
shall not put yourself in this deadly peril. .Besides,
the bed is not made.”
“ Never mind the bed,” I replied. 11
1 have lived in
furnished apartments for gentlemen, and have been
accustomed to sleep on beds that have never been
made from one year’s end to the other. Do not
thwart me in my resolve. I am young, and have
had a clear conscience now for over a month. The
spirits will not harm me. I may even do them some
little good, and induce them to be quiet and go

away. Besides, I should like to see the show.”

Saying which, I sat down again. (How Mr.
Coombes came to be in my chair, instead of at the
Y other side of the room, where he had been all the
evening; and why he never offered to apologize
when I sat right down on top of hirp ; and why
young Biffles should have tried to palm himself off
upon me as my Uncle John, and induced me, under
that erroneous impression, to shake him by the hand
for nearly three minutes, and tell him that I had
 TOLD AFTER SUPPER. m
always regarded him as father— are matters that,
to this day, I have never been able to fully under-
stand.)
They tried to dissuade me from what they termed
my foolhardy enterprise, but I remained firm and
claimed my privilege. I was “ the guest.” “ The
guest” always sleeps in the haunted chamber on
Christmas Eve ;
it is his perquisite.
They said that put it on that footing they had
if I
of course no ans-wer, and they lighted a candle for
me and accompanied me upstairs in a body.
Whether elevated by the feeling that I was doing
a noble action or animated by a mere general con-
sciousness of rectitude is not for me to say, but I
went upstair^ that night with remarkable buoyancy.
It was as much as I could do to stop at the landing
when I came to it ; I felt I wanted to go on up to
the roof.' But, with the help of the banisters, I re-
strained my ambition, wished them all good-night
and went in and shut the door.
Things began to go wrong with me from the very
first. The candle tumbled cut of the candlestick
before my hand was off the lock. It kept on tum-
bling out of the candlestick, and every time I picked
it up and put it in it tumbled out again ; I never saw

such a slippery candle. I gave up attempting to

use 'the candlestick at last and carried the candle
about in my hand, and even then it would not keep
upright. So I got wild and threw it out the window,
and undressed apd went to bed in the dark.
I did not go to sleep ; I did not feel sleepy at all;
324 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

I lay on xay back looking up at the ceiling and

thinking of things. I wish I could remember some
of the ideas that came to me as I lay there, because
they were so amtising. I laughed at them myself
till the bed shook.

I had been lying like this for half an hour or so,

and had forgotten all about the ghost, when, on
casually casting my eyes round the room, I noticed
for the first time a singularly contented-looking
phantom sitting in the easy-chair by the fire smok-
ing the ghost of a long clay pipe.
I fancied for the moment, as most people would
under similar circumstances, that I must be dream-
ing. I sat up and rubbed my eyes.
No It was a ghost, clear enough. T could see
!

the back of the chair through his body. He. looked

over toward me, took the shadowy pipe from his
lips and nodded.
The most surprising part of the whole thing to
me was that I did not feel in the least alarmed. If
anything I was rather pleased to see him. It was
company. »

I said : “ Good-evening. been a cold day !”

It’s
He said he had not noticed it himself, but dared
say I was right.
We remained silent for a few seconds, and then,
wishing to put it pleasantly, I said: “J believer I
have the honor of addressing the ghost of the gen-
tleman who had the accident with the wait ?”
He smiled and said it was very good 6f me to
remember it. One wait was not much to boast of,
but still every little helped. _
 TOLD AFTER SUPPER. 325

1 was somewhat staggered at his answer. 1 had

expected a groan of remorse. The ghost appeared,
on the contrary, to be rather conceited over the
business. 1 thought that as he had 'taken my refer-
ence to the wait so quietly perhaps he would not be
offended if I questioned him about the organ-grinder.
I felt curious about that poor boy.
“ Isit true,” I asked, “ that you had a hand in the

death of that Italian peasant lad who came to the

town once with a barrel-organ that played nothing
but Scotch airs?”
He quite fired up. “ Had a hand in it !” he ex-
claimed indignantly. “Who has dared to pretend
that he assisted me 2 I murdered the youth myself.
.Nobody helped me. Alone I did it. Show me the
man who says I didn’t.”
I calmed him. I assured him that I had- never, in
ray own ’mind, doubted that he was the real and
only assassin, and I went on and asked him what he
had done with the body of the cornet-player he had
killed.
He said : “ To which one may you be alluding ?”
“ Oh, were there any more then 2” I inquired.
He smiled and gave a little cough. He said he
did not like to appear to be boasting, but that,
counting trombones, there were seven.
“ Bear me !» I replied, “ you must have had quite
a busy time of it, one way and another.”
He said that perhaps be ought not to be the one
to sav so; 'but that really, speaking of ordinary
middle-class society, he thought there were few
 :

326 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

ghosts who could look back upon a life of more sus-

tained usefulness.
He away in silence for a few seconds while
puffed
I sat watching him. I had never seen a ghost
smoking a pipe before, that I could remember, and
it interested me.

I asked him what tobacco he used, and he replied

“The ghost of cut cavendish as a rule.”
He explained that the ghost of all the tobacco
that a man smoked in life belonged to him when he
became dead. He said he himself had smoked a
good deal of cut cavendish when he was. alive, so
that he was well supplied with the ghost of it now.
I observed that it was a useful thing to know
that, and I made up my mind to smdke as much
tobacco as ever I could before I died.
I thought I might as well start at once, so I said
I would join him in a pipe, and he said, “Do, old
man and I reached over and got out the necessary
paraphernalia from my coat pocket and lit up.
We grew quite chummy after that, and he told
me all his crimes. He said he had lived next door
once to a young lady who was learning to play the
guitar, while a gentleman who practiced on the
bass-viol lived opposite. And he, with fiendish
cunning, had introduced these two unsuspecting
young people to one another, and had persuaded
them to elope with each other against their parents’
and take their musical instruments with
wishes,
them and they had done so, and before "the honey-
;

moon was over, she had broken his bead with the
 TOLD AFTER SUPPER. 327

bass-viol, and he had tried to cram the guitar down

her throat, and had injured her for life.
My friend said he used to lure muffin-men into
the passage and then stuff them with their own
wares till they burst and died. He said he had
quieted eighteen that way.
Young men and women who recited long and
dreary poems at evening parties, and callow youths
who walked about the streets late at night, playing
concertinas, he used to get together and poison in
batches of ten, so as to save expense ; and park
orators and temperance lecturers he used to shut up
six in a small room with a glass of water and a col-
lection-box apiece, and let them talk each other to
death.
It did- one good to listen to him.
I asked him when he expected the other ghosts
the ghosts of the wait and the cornet-player, and
the German band that Uncle John had mentioned.
He smiled, and said they would never come again,
any of them.
I said, “Why isn’t it true,' then, that they meet
;

you here every Christmas Eve for a row ?”

He replied that it was true. Every Christmas
Eve, for twenty-five years, had he and they fought
in that room but they would never trouble him
;

nor"' anybody else again. One by one had he laid

them out, spoiled and utterly useless for all haunting
purposes. He had finished off the last German
band ghost that very evening, just before I came
upstairs, and had thrown what was left of it out
328 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.
through the slit between the window sashes. He
said it would never be worth calling a ghost
again.
“ I suppose youfwill still come yourself, as usual?
I said.
“ They would be sorry to miss you, I
know.”
“ Oh, I don’t know,” he replied ;
“ there’s nothing
much to come for now ;
unless,” he added kindly,
“ you are going to be here. I’ll come if you will
sleep here next Christmas Eve.”
“I have taken a liking to you,” he continued:
“you don’t fly off, screeching, when you see a
party, and your hair doesn’t stand on end. You’ve
no idea,” he said, “ how sick I am of seeing people’s
hair standing on end.” *

He said it irritated Mm.

Just then a slight noise reached us from the yard
below, and he started and turned deathly black.
“ You are ill,” I cried, springing toward him “ tell
;

me the best thing to do for you. Shall I drink

some brandy, and give you the ghost of it ? ”
He remained silent, listening intently for a mo-
ment, and then he gave a sigh of relief, and the
shade came back to his cheek.
“It’s all right,” he murmured; “I was afraid it
was the cock.”
“ Oh, it’s too early for that,” I said. “Why, it’s
^
only the middle of the night.”
“ Oh, that doesn’t make any difference to those
cursed chickens,” he replied bitterly. “They would
just as soon crow in the middle of the night as at
 Hi

TOLD AFTER SUPPER.

any other time —sooner, if they thought it would

spoil a chap’s evening out. I believe they do it on
purpose.”
He saida friend of his, the gho$t of a man who
had a water-rate collector, used to haunt a
killed
house in Long Acre, where they kept fowls in the
cellar, and every time a policeman went by and
flashed his bull’s-eye down the grating, the old cock
there would fancy it was the sun, and start crow-
ing like mad, when, of course, the poor ghost had
to dissolve, and it would, in consequence, get back
home sometimes as early as one o’clock in the morn-
ing, swearing fearfully because it had only been out
for an hour.
I agreed. that seemed very unfair.
it
“ Ofl, an absurd arrangement altogether,” he
it’s

continued, quite angrily. “I can’t imagine what

our old, man could have been thinking of when be
made it. As I have said to him, over and over
again, ‘ Have a fixed time, and let everybody stick
—
to it say four o’clock in summer, and six in winter.
Then one would know what one was about.’”
“ How do you manage when there isn’t any cock
handy ?” I inquired.
He was on the point of replying, when again he
"
started and listened. This time I distinctly heard
Mr. Bowles’ cock, next door, crow twice.
“ There jfou are,” he said, rising and reaching for
his hat ;
“that’s the sort of thing we have to put
up with. __
What is the time ?”
i looked at my watch, and found it was half-past
three.
 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.
“ I thought as much,” he muttered. “ I’ll wring
that blessed bird’s neck if I get hold of it.” And he
prepared to go.
“If you can v$it half a minute,” I said, getting
out of bed, “ I’ll go a bit of the way with you.”
“It’s very good of you,” he rejoined, pausing
“ but it seems unkind to drag you out.”
“ Not at all,” I replied ;
“ 1 shall like a walk.”
And I partially dressed myself, and took my
umbrella ;
and he put his arm through mine, and
we went out together.
Just by the gate we met, Jones, one of the local
constables.
“ Good-night, Jones,” I said (1 always feel affable
at Christmas-time).
“Good-night, sir,” answered the man a little
gruffly, I thought. “May I ask what you’re a-
doingof!” .

“ Oh, it’s all right,” I responded, with a wave of

my umbrella; “I’m just seeing my friend part of
the way home.”
He said, “ What friend ?”
“ Oh, ah, 'of course,’5 1 laughed “ I forgot. He’s
;

invisible to you. He is the ghost of the gentleman

that killed the wait. I’m just going to the corner
with him.”
“ Ah, I don’t think I would, if I was you, sir,”
said Jones severely. “ If you take my Sdvice, you’ll
say good-by to your friend here, and go back in-
doors. Perhaps you are not aware thajt you are
walking about with nothing on but S. night shirt and
 —

TOLD AFTER SUPPER.

a pair of boots and an opera-hat. Where's your

trousers ?”
I did not like the man’s manner at ail. 1 said,
u Jones ! I don’t wish to have to report you, but it
seems to me you’ve been drinking. My trousers are
where a man’s trousers ought to be—-on his legs. 1
distinctly remember putting them on.”
44
Well, you haven’t got them on now,” he
retorted.
ik
l beg your pardon,” I replied. uI
tell you I

have ;
ought to know.”
I think I
1 think so, too,” ha answered, 44 but you evi-
44

dently ‘don’t. Now you come along indoors with

me, and don’t let’s have any more of it.”
Uncle Joint came to the door at this point, having
been awaked, I suppose, by the altercation and, at ;

the same moment, &unt Maria appeared at the

window, in her nightcap.
I explained the constable’s mistake to them, treat-
ing the matter as lightly as i could, so as not to get
the man into trouble, and I turned for confirmation
to the ghost.
He was gone ! He had left me without a word
without even saying good-by 1
It struck me as so unkind, his having gone off in
that way, that I burst into tears ; and Uncle John
•oarne out, and led me back into the house.
On my
room, I discovered that Jones
reaching
was right, I had not put on my trousers, after all.
'They wqpe still hanging over the bed-rail I
-

suppose, in my*anxiety not. to keep the ghost wait*;

mm ing, 1 must have forgotten them.
332 THREE MEN IN A BOAT.

Saeh are the plain facts of the case, out of

which
it must, doubtless, to the healthy, charitable
mind
appear impossible that calumny could spring
But it has. a
Persons I say —
persons” have professed them-
selves unable to understand the simple circum-
stances herein narrated, except in the light
of ex
planations at once misleading and insulting.
Slurs
have been cast and aspersions made on me bv
those
of my own flesh and blood.
But I bear no ill-feeling.I merely, as I have
said, set forth this statement for the purpose of
clearing my character from injurious suspicion.