CALENDAR GIRLS AUDITION PIECES

CHARACTER: Chris – (f) - around 50

DESCRIPTION:
You want Chris at your party. She will talk to people she doesn’t know, find things to say to fill silences and generate laughter.
Without Chris in her life, Annie would be better behaved, her life less fun. The two of them are like naughty schoolgirls. Ideal car –
who cares, as long as it’s a cabriolet. Ideal holiday – Algarve.

AUDITION PIECE:

Chris: HOLD ON. HOLD ON A MINUTE WITH YOUR BLOODY BUZZER. (She takes the stand)
Sorry but the OTHER delegate for Knapeley’s got something to say and she’s about to
commit heresy. (Loudly) I HATE plum jam. I only joined the WI because it made my mother-
in-law happy. End of story. (Counting on her fingers) I’m crap at cake, I hate knitting – and in
fact seeing it’s unlikely George Clooney would ever come to Knapeley to give a talk on his
collection of slightly-too-small swimming trunks, there seems very little reason for me to
STAY in the WI. Except – SUDDENLY I want to raise money in memory of a man we all loved.
And to do that I’m prepared to take my clothes off on a calendar. (Beat) And if you guys
don’t agree then I’m going to do it without council approval because FRANKLY, guys, some
things are bigger than council approval. And FRANKLY if it meant we’d get – (she gestures a
“tiny amount”) – THAT-T much closer to killing off this shitty, cheating, sly, conniving, silent
bloody disease that cancer is then God, I tell y’, I would run round Skipton market smeared
in plum jam with a knitted tea cosy on my head singing Jerusalem.

CHARACTER: Cora – (f) - around 40

DESCRIPTION:
Cora’s past is the most eclectic.She is the joker in the pack, but never really plays the fool. Her wit is deadpan. It raises laughter
in others, but rarely in herself. Her relationship with her daughter is more akin to that between Chris and Annie. Cora doesn’t
need to sing like a diva but must be able to sing well enough to start the show with Jerusalem and sing the snatches of other
songs required. The piano keyboard can be marked to enable her to play basic chords should she not be a player. Ideal car – who
cares, as long as the sound system is loud. Ideal holiday – New York.

AUDITION PIECE:

Cora: “Can we just stand by?”! This must be what it feels like to be Kylie. (She claps) D’you
think they’ll want a bit of Jerusalem in the background? I could jazz it up a bit.
Ruth Cora, don’t mess round with it. It’s a religious song.
Cora It’s not “messing around”, Ruth. It’s bloody jazz. It’s the blues. That’s where it was all
born, spiritual music. That’s why it’s all – (she gestures “linked”) – related. God, our band at
college, me and Ruby’s dad, all the time we’d be in and out – rock to blues, bit of classical,
hymns … He said when it comes to music, there should never be any rules.
Jessie Absolutely. That’s why at my leaving service I scrapped all hymns and taught the kids
to sing The End by The Doors.
Cora Eh it’s sodding dangerous though, Jess, if you end up a church organist. I tell y’ one
time, someone’s funeral, Dad’s in the pulpit, I’m playing on grief autopilot. (She starts
plonking out “Dear Lord And Father Of Mankind” on the piano like a steamhammer. Singing)
“Dear Lord and Father Of Mankind – “ (Speaking) Suddenly I look down at Ruby in her
carry-cot and honest to God, next thing I know I’m playing – (She starts playing “Stormy
Weather” and sings the first two lines; then, speaking) Looked round, the congregation are
going “What the HELL - ?”
CALENDAR GIRLS AUDITION PIECES

CHARACTER: Jessie – (f) – late 60s/70s

DESCRIPTION:
Get on the right side of Jessie as a teacher and she’ll be the teacher you remember for life. Get on the wrong side and you will
regret every waking hour. A lover of life, Jessie doesn’t bother with cosmetics – her elixir of life is bravery. Jessie goes on roller
coasters. Her husband has been with her a long time and is rarely surprised by her actions. Jessie bothers about grammar and
will correct stallholders regarding their abuse of the apostrophe “s”. Ideal car – strange-looking European thing which is no
longer manufactured. Ideal holiday – walking in Switzerland or Angkor Wat.

AUDITION PIECE:

Jessie: You know, the last time I heard the phrase “a woman of your age” it was my new,
young head teacher explaining his reason why I should retire. The following week I had to
take over the school trip halfway up Plover Hill after he collapsed with exhaustion. (She
pulls her coat on) I have never had a problem with my age, my dear. It has only ever had a
problem with me. (She puts her scarf on) Any teacher who has seen the years pass with
lengthening legs and shortening skirts has felt old since she was thirty. And the danger,
girls, of age, is what you think age expects of you. Witness my mother, who at the age of
sixty considered a day when the postman and the gas man called to be one where she was,
quote, “run off her feet”. Why? Because the small incidents of life will expand to fill the
hours you allot them, and the saddest thing on God’s earth is those with the fewest hours
left allowing less and less to fill more and more. (She heads out the door)
Chris (stopping her) S-sorry, Jessie. Just to clarify - ?
Jessie No front bottoms. (Beat) I’m in, as long as there’s no front bottoms. That’s a sight I’ve
reserved for only one man in my life.
Annie Right. D’you think your husband will mind?
Jessie Good God, love, it wasn’t my husband.

CHARACTER: Ruth – (f) - around 40

DESCRIPTION:
Ruth’s journey is from the false self-confidence of the emotionally abused to the genuine self-confidence of the woman happy in
her own skin. Despite being Marie’s right-hand woman she is desperate to be the spine of the WI and keep everyone happy. She
has a spine herself – if she was too wet, no one would want her around. But they do, and they feel protective of her because they
sense there is something better in Ruth than her life is letting out. They are proved right. Ideal car – at the start, whatever Eddie
wants; at the end, whatever she wants. Ideal holiday – at the start wherever Eddie is, at the end, wherever he isn’t.

AUDITION PIECE:

Ruth: Although I think with me it was likely more finding your underwear in the map
pocket of Eddie’s Peugeot. Pause. Elaine stops the beauty treatment . You know? The little
red ones? I mean I’m not surprised you didn’t notice you hadn’t got them on afterwards,
they couldn’t’ve provided much insulation. But there was one of these? Little business
cards? Must’ve fallen out of your bag in the whole … (she “smiles”) … melee, you know? And
that’s when I thought, “Well maybe he’d see me in a different light if I went and did this
calendar!” Pointlessly, as it turns out. ‘Cause what I hadn’t realised is that a woman who
takes her clothes off on a calendar is a “tart” whereas one who does it in a lay-by is a really
good sport. But hey. (She stands) What I DID get to realise is that Eddie Reynoldson is one of
CALENDAR GIRLS AUDITION PIECES

those guys who wouldn’t understand beauty if it was staring him in the
face. And you know how I worked that out, love? (Beat) Because it was.
Now, in fairness, fuck off back to him.

CHARACTER: Marie – (f) - around 40-50ish

DESCRIPTION:
Marie has gradually built the current ‘Marie’ around herself over the years as a defence mechanism. She went ot her Oz, Cheshire,
and found Oz didn’t want her. She came back scorched. The WI is a trophy to her, which justifies her entire existence. There is a
lingering part of Marie that would love to be on that calenar. Ideal car – something German and well-valued. Ideal holiday – a
quasi-academic tour of somewhere in Persia advertised in a Sunday Supplement which she could then interminably bang on about.

AUDITION PIECE:

Marie: And well done for staying here, Chris. Well done for staying put in the flower shop.
Which is of course what all this is all about, isn’t it? Really? The golden girl who was Dorothy
in The Wizard Of Oz. The girl who everyone thought would be a weather girl. The girl who
performed in the pencil skirt at the French Evening and got all the lads’ tongues lolling and
ended up in a flower shop on the Skipton Road and is now just desperate for a bit of the
front of the stage again? Not a whole play, by the way. Not the hard work, line-learning –
God, that takes following things through. No, it’s just the little front-of-curtains – (putting
her arms out) “Pow”! The little shot of “look at me, I’m doing t’ai chi!” “Pow! I’m organising a
vodka night.”

CHARACTER: Elaine – (f) – 20ish

DESCRIPTION:
Elaine really doesn’t mean to be so patronising. But Jessie seems from another world. The world of her Gran.

AUDITION PIECE:

Elaine: (a little confused) Right-t. SO. Let’s just pop yourself down on that-t, my love, make
you comfy. (On autopilot she produces a pink business card) I’m Elaine from the Craven
Health Spa-a … (She offers Ruth the card) There’s my card.
Ruth I’ve already got one.
Elaine Lovely. What I’m going to be doing for the television is a little basic T-Zone and A-
Zone. Have you ever had that done before?
Ruth No
Elaine Oh, you’ll love it. ‘Cause you’re the lady – wasn’t it the organiser, Chris, wasn’t she
telling me they were all going to do it and you weren’t and then you suddenly changed your
mind at the last minute? Is that right?
Ruth doesn’t reply
Suddenly got the confidence up! It’s funny how that happens, isn’t it? You know, a lot of
ladies find that when they’ve had our “Dead Sea Salt treatment”, they get this (gesturing
loosely) inner kind of – “wha”? To do things!
CALENDAR GIRLS AUDITION PIECES

CHARACTER: John – (m) - around 40-50ish

DESCRIPTION:
John is a human sunflower. Not a saint. Not a hero. Just the kind of man you’d want in your car when crossing America. When he
dies it feels like someone somewhere turned a light off.

AUDITION PIECE:

John Ohh God. That’s it. It knew it’d happen. I’ve turned into the third person.
Marie (remembering) Right. Sorry. (Beat) How’s the -?
John My treatment’s going fine love. And you know what cheers me up? That WI calendar
with your lovely photos of Yorkshire churches. Being able to mark my chemotherapy
appointments under images of misty graveyards. Serious. I’d taken it in and one of the guys
at the hospital, porter, Lawrence, great lad, great photographer – (to Annie) God you should
see some of the ones he’s done of his parents –
Annie (smiling) Finish your story.
John (nodding at Marie) About your calendar. Very complimentary.
…….
John Come here, you. (He kisses her)
Annie How was your day?
John Thrill me. Tell me something I didn’t know about broccoli.
Annie I asked first.
John Fine. Morning I went up Grizedale Park. Oversee some of the junior rangers putting
up forest fences. God, they all look about twelve.
Annie I know.
John This afternoon I nipped in to see ol’ Doc Morton.
Annie (instantly turning to ice) Today?
John Now don’t – (“get het up”)
Annie I thought you wanted me with you.
John Mrs Clarke, there isn’t a day goes by when I don’t. (Beat) I jut kind of needed to get
the results on me own.

CHARACTER: Rod – (m) - around 40-50ish

DESCRIPTION:
You must be a certain kind of guy to stick with Chris and Rod loves it. He can give back when he gets and has a deadpan humour
which has always made Chris laugh. He drinks a lot but never so much as to have a problem. He would work every hour to make
his shop a success. And John was his mate, even though the relationship was originally channeled through their wives.

AUDITION PIECE:

Rod: Right. But at these fairs you’re better at all the actual selling, “meeting people” stuff.
You’re just … (Feeling awkward in front of Annie. He smiles at her) She’s fantastic at that.
Chris Rod! (As if this explains everything) It’s TELELVISION!
Rod (suddenly hard as nails) Chris, we’re going to the bridal fair. We don’t have the luxury
not to. Chris leaves, Rod is wounded Never, Annie, make a business out of something you
CALENDAR GIRLS AUDITION PIECES

love. (He just about finds a smile for Annie) I go for a walk now up to
Grizedale, see all the flowers and I think, “It’s you little bastards who are
screwing us over.” (Beat) You feel like running through ‘em all, kicking all the bloody heads
off. (He looks to the sunflowers) Then again, John managed it, didn’t he? Beat) Worked that
park for thirty years, never stopped banging on about how beautiful it was. Couldn’t bloody
shut him up.

CHARACTER: Lawrence – (m) – 20s

DESCRIPTION:
Hesitant without being nerdy, Lawrence is a shy young man with enough wit to make a joke and enough spirit to turn up at the WI
hall in the first place. When he arranges the shots he is close to female nudity but sees only the photo.

AUDITION PIECE:

Lawrence: Right. Well. When you – Chris gestures to him to address the group
… when they came in the hospital – Chris and Annie – about this – this calendar what you’re
wanting to sell at the Yorkshire Show … what it … what they er … (He swallows, nervous)
Cora Christ, love, if you’re intimidated NOW, what are you gonna be like when Celia takes
her blouse off?
Chris Cora.
Celia Mesmerised.
Lawrence (swallowing) It should be like what John said. This all quiets them slightly
When I was pushing him round. Talking to him about what it was you all did in here. He
reckoned all the jam-making and knitting was basically a front for a load of respectable
middle-aged women to get together and go nuts. (Pause, building confidence) That’s what
your calendar should be. (Gets drawings out). At first glance the photos should look like your
classic WI calendar. All your traditional … cakes, jam, sewing an’ that. Everything y’d expect.
Except for one tiny thing. The person doing it is naked.
Chris Nude.
Annie You’re right. John would’ve loved this.
Lawrence (warming to his theme) See so each month, y’see, y’d get a different girl … (he hands
out pages) – painting, knitting, gardening here, see … until December when I thought we
could do a group one of you all together singing Christmas carols.
CALENDAR GIRLS AUDITION PIECES
CHARACTER: Celia (f) – 35-50

AUDITION PIECE:

CELIA - Good. Some people need upsetting. I spend half my life with people who need upsetting.
D'you think I planned to join a golf club? I was lured. I was lured to Yorkshire with all this "Ohh
come back 'ome, love, let me take you back to live in God's county". I agree, we move ... (pointing) ...
suddenly he comes down with this disease called "Golf". And it's terminal. Suddenly if I want to see
him it means spending half my life with a group of women who - sorry, "ladies" - who pathologically
make rules to make sure no one gets upset! Rules for the putting green. And the locker room! And
the car park. And the bar. And - God's SAKE - "Conversation Codes for the Captain's dinner" so we
don't stray off the subject of golf when all you can basically say about golf is, "I didn't hit it straight
so it missed the hole but if I had've hit it straight it would've gone in the hole". And of course all the
stuff they really want to say still gets said. Just behind people's backs. Usually mine. That I dress like
a tart.

Y'r breasts aren't something that should get hidden away for some bloody socia - pathetic -
whatever - reason but I tell you what, thanks to women like the bloody golf club girls they ARE. And
if my mum hadn't been too mortified to show doctors her breasts when the time came, we'd still
have the rest of her. (Beat) Which is why what I'd like to say to the Hermes mafia of the Ladies' Bar
is, "Get down to the WI, girls. Come and hang out with the real women of this county and learn a
little debauchery before it's too bloody late". Cheers