AND COMMITMENT Every human being has his own way of expressing his attraction, love, and commitment due to our different life experiences. When attraction between two persons is discussed, it is often understood as based on physical appearance while this might be true to a certain extent but there is more to attraction that we already know. According to Helen Fisher, attraction is primarily on physiology or certain hormones that get attracted to others and is the first stage during the changes of personality development which leads to closeness, love and commitment. But, disappointments in relationships occur usually because of the misunderstanding about the different ways of expressing their attraction, love and commitment. Activity 1: The People I am Attracted to Write down the name of the person/s that best fit for each statement on the second column and on the third column, elaborate/specify the reason/s of your attraction similar to the statement given. Example: I am physically attracted to (name of the person) because she has lovely eyes and beautiful smile. Statement Name of Reasons Person/s 1. I like him/her because he/she is physically attractive. 2. I am attracted to him/her because I am familiar with him/her and we often see each other. 3. I am attracted to him/her because we are alike. 4. I am attracted to him/her because we have the same feelings or we like each other. In the biological model of love as proposed by anthropologist Helen Fisher, love can start with any of these three feelings: lust, attraction and attachment depending on the person. Each involves different neurochemicals in your brain. Three Brain Systems of Love or Stages of Falling in Love 1. LUST - refers to an urge or desire that motivates us to partake in sexual activity. 2.ATTRACTION - is described as the love-struck phase. This is the stage when a person loses sleep and appetite over someone and become excited to someone while daydreaming of special person. It is part of lust because it involves focusing our attention to a particular person or desire. Many factors influence attraction. Factors of Attraction A.Physical Attractiveness It is one of the primary determinants of romantic attraction. Most people prefer whom they consider physically attractive especially in the early stages of dating. B. Proximity People tend to get attracted to people who are geographically closer to them. They are more likely to develop feelings of mutual familiarity with the people who live close to us or go to school with us and increased level of comfort when there is regular contact and no prior negative feelings. C. Similarity People pick partners who we have similarities with such as social class, background, religious beliefs, age and education. The more attitudes and opinions two people share, especially when they are similar, the more they will want to do the same activities, and would create a strong bond between them. D. Reciprocity People like others who like them back. People feel indebted when someone does something good for them and tend to reciprocate the action. The more we are liked by someone they equally like, the more we behave in ways that promote mutual feelings of liking. 3. ATTACHMENT -is a deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another across time and space. It is when long-lasting commitments are exchanged. Robert Strenberg (1988) suggests that there are three main components of love. Love relationships vary and it depends on the presence or absence of each of these components. Three Components of Triangular Theory of Love 1.INTIMACY is an intimate interpersonal relationship that involves physical or emotional intimacy. It is characterized by friendship, familiarity, or romantic love. It involves closeness, connectedness, and bondedness. 2. PASSION is an intense emotion, a compelling enthusiasm or desire for something. 3. COMMITMENT -is the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something. It is an act deciding to consistently fulfil and live by agreements made with another person, entity, or cause, and where the values of integrity and respect serve as a guide to one’s behaviour and thinking. The easy ways to express your commitment to your relationships is to show love and loyalty, respect and appreciate others, convey honesty and trust, work as a team and compromise, and disagree agreeably. The combination of the three (3) components can produce eight (8) types of love. Types of Love Intimacy Passion Commitment Example Nonlove No No No Liking Yes No No Friendships Infatuation No Yes No Experiencing love at first sight or being obsessed with a person Empty Love No No Yes Stagnant Relationships or Arrange marriage Fatuous No Yes Yes Relationships motivated by passion Companionate Yes No Yes Relationships lacking passion such as those between family members or close friends
Romantic Yes Yes No Being bonded emotionally and
physically to another person
Consummate Yes Yes Yes Complete love
Love occurs not solely between romantic partners only. Humans can experience different types of love in various relationships, such as with romantic partners, friends, family and even strangers. Ancient Greeks studied love and denote each type by giving each one a Greek name. Researcher offers a theory love styles which are derived from an analysis of writings about love through centuries. 1. PHILIA – Affectionate Love It is a love that runs deep in true friendship. Love without romantic attraction and occurs between friends or family members. It is called brotherly love when both people share the same values and respect each other. Ways to show this love: • Engage in deep conversation with a friend. • Exchange beliefs and imperfections with close friends. • Be open and trustworthy • Be supportive in difficult times. 2. PRAGMA – Enduring Love It is a mature love that develops over time. Commitment and efforts are needed to reach “Pragma”. Instead of “falling in love”, you are “standing in love” with the partner by your side. Ways to show this love: • Continue to strengthen the bond of long-term relationships • Seek and show effort with your partner. • Choose to work with your partner forever. 3. STORGE – Familiar love It is naturally occurring love rooted in parents and children, as well as best friends. It’s an infinite love built upon acceptance and deep emotional connection. This love come easily and immediately in parent and child relationships. It flows between parents and children or childhood friends. Ways to show this love: • Sacrifice your time, self or personal pleasures. • Quickly forgive harmful actions. • Share memorable and impactful moments. • Show gratitude towards the people close to you. 4. EROS – Romantic Love It is a personal infatuation and physical pleasure. It is a passionate love displayed through physical affection. Ways to show this love: •Admiring someone’s physical body •Engage in physical touch such as hugging and kissing but it is not appropriate for you yet. 5. LUDUS –Playful love Flirting and beginning stages of intimate love. It is a child-like and flirtatious love found in the beginning. This type of love consists of teasing, playful motives and laughter between two people. Ways to show this love: • Spend time together to laugh and have fun • Exemplify childlike behaviour together. 6. MANIA –Obsessive Love Obsessiveness or madness over a love partner is mania. It leads to unwanted jealousy or possessiveness. Ways to avoid this love: • Recognize obsessive or possessive behaviour before acting upon it. • Focus on yourself more than another person. • Put trust into your relationships 7. PHILAUTIA –Self Love It is having a healthy “self-compassion” love towards one’s self. It is when you recognize your self-worth and ignore your personal needs. Self-love begins with acknowledging your responsibility for your well-being. Ways to avoid this love: • Create environment that nurtures your well-being. • Take care of yourself like a parent would care for a child • Spend time around people who supports you. 8. AGAPE –Selfless Love It is an empathetic attitude of love for everyone and anyone. It is the highest love to offer. It is given without any expectations of receiving anything in return. It is considered as unconditional love. Ways to show this love: • Dedicate your life to improve the lives of others. • Stay conscious of your actions for the good of humankind. • Offer your time and charity to someone in need. • Express unconditional love in any situation ACTIVITY 2: Love Combination Identify the perfect combination of different theory of love styles that can create something beautiful on your connection with your family, friends and significant other. Though there isn’t a perfect equation for every relationship, these combinations can provide a perspective on how to work various types of love into your relationships. Relationship Combination of Types of Love Family ___________+____________+_________ Friendship ___________+____________+_________ Significant Other ___________+____________+_________ ____ Relationship Combination of Types of Love Family STORGE + AGAPE + PHILIA Friendship PHILIA + STORGE + PHILAUTIA Significant Other PRAGMA + EROS + LUDUS Love Language In The Family 1. Words of Affirmation “Actions don’t always speak louder than word”. Unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Wanting to hear “I love you” or other positive compliments you’re your partner. And if you don’t hear it, then you might feel unloved. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You wanted to hear kind and encouraging words that build you up. 2. Acts of Service Doing nice things for other people and anything you do to ease the burden of the other person are “acts of service.” Whether it’s changing someone’s oil, cleaning the house, or giving a back rub, doing things to help make the other person happy is what this one is about. Helping with homework can be an expression of love to you. The words you wanted to hear is “Let me do it for you”. 3. Receiving Gifts You value giving and receiving gifts and some do not. So, if you measure your partner’s love by how many gifts you are given, then your love language is “receiving gifts.” Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of the gifts wanted on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. A missed birthday or a thoughtless gift would be disastrous. 4. Quality Time You measure the quality of love by how much time the other people want to spend with you. If you don’t get enough “together time,” then you might feel unloved. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks standby makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be hurtful. 5. Physical Touch A person whose primary language is physical touch is not very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hand and thoughtful touches on the arm can show excitement, concern, care and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Appropriate and timely touches communicate warmth, safety and love to you. ACTIVITY 3: Journal Reflection 1. Write your love language and the love languages of your family members such as parents and siblings, friends and significant other. 2. How you can further express your love to them? 3. List down the things on how you wanted to be loved and how you can share your love to them. BEING RESPONSIBLE IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP ACTIVITY 1: Friendship Stoplight Analogy Recognize examples of positive and negative behaviors related to healthy and unhealthy relationships. The purpose of this activity is to explore relationships using stoplight analogy. Color the circle corresponding to you answer. RED – Stop! These are bad sign of relationship. YELLOW – Caution! These are warning signs of relationship. GREEN – Go! These are good signs in a friendship! 1. You are afraid of your 11. Your friend threatens to friend’s temper. hurt you. 2. You enjoy being with this 9. You say that you agree with person but you also enjoy your friends, even though you spending time with other really don’t. You are afraid friends. they won’t be your friend anymore, if you disagree. 3. Your friend pressures you 10. You rarely get to plan what to do things you do not want to the two of you will do together. do. 4. Your friend tells you not to 12. You are nervous that if you hang out with certain people. tell your friend something personal, he/she will tell other people at school. 5. You usually feel happy 13. Your friend is happy when when you are with this person. good things happen to you and celebrates your successes.. 6. Your friends talks to you 14. Your friends sometimes about his/her feelings. make fun of you. 7. Your friend criticises you or 15. Your friend respects your people you care about. feelings and your opinions. 8. Your friend bullies and makes fun of other people at school. RED LIGHT: These are bad signs in a relationship • You are afraid of your friend’s temper. • Your friend threatens to hurt you. • Your friend pressures you to do things you do not want to do. • Your friend criticizes you or people you care about. • You are nervous that if you tell your friend something personal, he/she will tell other people at school. • Your friends sometimes make fun of you. YELLOW LIGHT: These are warning signs in a relationship • Your friend tells you not to hang out with certain people • You say that you agree with your friends, even though you really don’t. You are afraid they won’t be your friend anymore, if you disagree. • . You rarely get to plan what the two of you will do together. • Your friend is happy when good things happen to you and celebrates your successes. • Your friend bullies and makes fun of other people at school. GREEN LIGHT: These are good signs in a relationship •You enjoy being with this person but you also enjoy spending time with other friends. •You usually feel happy when you are with this person. •Your friends talks to you about his/her feelings. •Your friend respects your feelings and your opinions. Important Aspects for Healthy Relationships Adapted from Woititz, J. , Adult Children of Alcoholics Mutual Respect Do I treat the other person as if he/she is of value? Compassion Do I have genuine concern for the issues that cause the other person concern? Empathy To what degree am I able to allow myself to be open to what he/she feels? Understanding Do I try to understand the other peson, what they say or do? Acceptance Can I feel I am okay the way I am? Do I accept him/her as he/she is? Honesty Is the relationship built on truthfulness, or are there games involved? Trust To what degree am I willing to let the other person know private aspects of my thoughts, feelings, and life? Good Can we talk freely about issues that are important to the relationships? Communication Do we know how to talk so we each are understood and sharing is safe? Consideration Am I mindful of the other person’s needs as well as my own? Compatibility To what extent do we like and value the same things? Mutual Enjoyment In areas of disagreement, are we able to agree or disagree? Personal Integrity Am I able to maintain my beliefs and sense of self as well as offer my time and attention to the relationship? Vulnerability To what degree can I let down my barriers and allow the other person to see my perceived weaknesses, without fear of negative reactions from them? ACTIVITY 2: Characteristics of Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships
Divide your paper into two columns and
identify healthy and unhealthy relationships. HEALTHY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS RELATIONSHIPS 1. You feel good about yourself when you’re around the other person. 2. You do not try to control each other. There is equal amount of give and take. 3. You feel sad, angry, scared, or worried. 4. There is communication, sharing and trust. You feel safe to share secrets. 5. You feel that you give more attention to them than they give to you. You feel controlled. 6. You don’t communicate, share or trust. 7. You like to spend time together but also enjoy doing things apart. 8. You feel pressured to spend time together and you feel guilty when you’re both apart from each other. 9. You feel the need to be someone that you are not. 10. It’s easy to be yourself when you are with them. 11. You respect each other’s opinion. You listen and try to understand their point of view even if you don’t always agree with them. 12. You feel the need to be someone that you are not. 13. There is no fear in your relationship. 14. You feel there’s no respect for you or your opinion. You are not able to disagree. 15. You feel fear in your relationship. BASIC RIGHTS IN A RELATIONSHIP ❖The right to emotional support ❖The right to be heard by the other and to respond ❖The right to have your own point of view, even if this differs from your partner’s ❖The right to have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real ❖The right to live free from accusation and blame ❖The right to live free from criticism and judgment ❖The right to live free from emotional and physical threat ❖The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage ❖The right to be respectfully asked, rather than ordered Addition to these basic relationships rights, consider how you can develop the ff: PATIENCE Patience is essential to a healthy relationship. There are times when others will respond to us in a way that is disappointing. When this occurs, it important to communicate our disappointment, but also to give the other person space. Be willing to give the person some time to reflect, indicating that you are ready to talk when they are ready. If the person is never ready to discuss the situation, you may need professional help to resolve the issue, or ask yourself whether or not you want to continue the relationship. HONESTY Honesty is another essential quality in healthy relationships. To build honesty in a relationship, you should communicate your feelings openly, and expect the other person to do the same. Over time, this builds trust. KINDNESS Kindness is extremely important to maintaining healthy relationships. You need to be considerate of others' feelings and other people need to be considerate of yours. Be kind when you communicate. Kindness will nurture your relationships. Note that being kind does not necessarily mean being nice. RESPECT Respect is a cornerstone of all healthy relationships. If you don't have respect for another person, it will have a negative impact on all of your interactions. Think of a time when you encountered someone who didn't respect you. How did it feel? What are some ways that you show respect to others?
