V.

Disorganized
ATTACHMENT STYLE
WORKBOOK
EXTRA WORKSHEETS
54 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

A. If it feels ok for you, try to take a moment to think of an early memory or perhaps
something that happened to you that you heard about from someone else. It’s not a
question of judgment, but just observing situations that occurred in the past.

For example: I remember Mom and Dad left me at home alone when I was little. I was
really frightened and hungry and I didn’t know when they would come home.

B. If you can, without becoming overly upset, try to remember some situations where
you may have felt fear.
55 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

This attachment style may often cause you to exist in a state of alertness as your
childhood was unpredictable. Write down basic childhood needs that you remember from
your childhood, or that you see with your children or people in general. You can fill any
column in first; sometimes people find it easier to work back from what they think about
themselves when identifying their childhood needs:

WAS THIS NEED

CHILDHOOD NEED THE PEOPLE INVOLVED INTERNALIZED BELIEF
MET OR UNMET

Security (other examples

Unmet - I never That I’m not worthy
might include love, My mom and Dad
really felt safe of love and security
food, play, etc.)

C. Your emotions in daily life

Emotions are a good indicator of your deeper functioning. Especially when they seem
disproportionate or they overwhelm you. It might also be easier for you to start with
identifying your emotions rather than the events that caused them. If you have difficulty
recognizing or naming your emotions, then this link to an emotional vocabulary chart
may help. https://www.englishlearnsite.com/vocabulary/emotions-feelings-word-
vocabulary/
56 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

Think of the formative moments in your life and try to identify the emotions that you felt
during these times. These moments may be positive or negative. Use the following table
to check all that apply and offer a real-life example. Try not to presume that you were
overreacting emotionally.

PEOPLE INVOLVED
MOMENT OF WHAT EMOTION FIELD OF LIFE
(RELATIVE, COLLEAGUE,
YOUR LIFE WAS PRESENT (WORK, FAMILY, ETC.)
BOSS, ETC.)

My 7th Christmas -
Sadness and Mom. Dad didn’t
there were no presents Family-Home
disappointment come home.
or special dinner

One more question: what do you think is absent from your table? Can you think of any
emotions that you feel like you should have experienced but didn’t?

For example: joy, light-heartedness, love, etc.

67 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

D. Identifying your personality characteristics.

What personal characteristics can you identify as being a product of your attachment
style? Both positive and less positive ones. (use the examples below for reference)

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Examples of personality characteristics:

• Confidence • Sensitive • Empathetic

• Warmth • Explosive • Energetic

• Hostility • Self reliance • Courageous

• Scepticism • Trusting • Generous

• Self control • Impulsive • Honest

• Apprehensive • Addictive • Patient

• Perfectionism • Helpful • Fair

• Creative • Adaptable

• Independence • Curious
68 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

E. Based on the characteristics you wrote down above, which of the following is:

1. The most challenging for you?

2. The most challenging for your family/friends?

3. The most difficult to handle at work?

4. The one you would like to change? (if any)

5. The one you would like to cultivate more?

6. The one that gets you in trouble?

70 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

F. SELF-ESTEEM AND SENSE OF SELF

1. I am naturally good at

2. I am brilliant at

3. My family says I am great at

4. My friends think I am good at

5. At work/school I am praised for being

6. I am happy when I am able to

7. Something that I am proud of about myself is

8. When I think of myself, the first thing that comes to mind is

9. My view of self is in comparison to my view of

others
71 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

G. Reflect on the above statements by:

• Put a checkmark next to the things you want to keep or improve

• Put an X next to the things that you are unhappy about and want to change/improve

• Circle the ones that you think are in some way related to your attachment style

H. How many of the circled ones correspond to the ones with an X?

For example: I am clingy and needy around the people in my life, but when they attempt to
get close to me I push them away. I think this stems from my attachment style.

I. How many of the circled ones correspond to the ones with a checkmark?

For example: I am loving and grateful for the important people in my life, but I sometimes
struggle to believe that they love me.

Photo by Sharon Mccutcheon on Unsplash

74 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

J. WHAT ARE YOUR VALUES?

Awareness of your personal values can be hugely helpful when determining a sense of
self. Your values are the traits and characteristics that you admire in yourself or others.
For example, maybe you have a friend who’s empathetic and trustworthy, or perhaps you
have one that is particularly gregarious - it’s up to you to figure out what your values
are and whether you’re living your life according to them. They will keep you on the right
track to leading a fulfilled life that’s true to your sense of self and help you to engage in
rewarding relationships.

What values are important to you?

For example: I am an honest and loving person, but I admire people that are outgoing so
this is a value that I would like to develop.
75 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

K. WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?

What makes you feel like the best version of you? Everyone has things, people, situations,
or places that make them feel truly at home in their own skin. Identifying these things
can be helpful in determining the things that you value the most and can tell you a lot
about who you are as a person.

What makes you happy?

For example: I feel happiest having quiet nights in watching movies when I am in a
relationship.
76 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

L. HOW DO I MAKE MY CHOICES?

Do you typically ask other people to choose what you watch together? Where you go for
food? Maybe you say "yes" to others just to make them happy. Whereas these specific
things might be trivial, they might indicate that you make choices based on someone
else’s interests rather than on your own. Perhaps ask yourself whether you would make
the same choices if you were by yourself. Having a strong sense of self means choosing
activities that are grounded in your interests and goals.

If this is too much too soon, perhaps just ask yourself what you really like? What’s your
favorite food, films, activity, downtime?

For example: I usually just go along with what other people suggest - especially on nights
out. I don’t really like to rock the boat. Sometimes I wish that we could do something a
bit different for a change though, such as watch a movie or go for pizza instead of fancy
restaurants.
77 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

M. IDENTIFY YOUR STRENGTHS

Having a strong sense of self means that you acknowledge that you have strengths. This
might be difficult for you if you struggle with low self-esteem, but we all have strengths,
and it’s important to identify them if we want to achieve the goals that we set for
ourselves. What’s more, making the best of your skill set means that you’re more likely to
develop a healthy sense of self and increased self-esteem.

Remember, if you’ve made it this far in life, you’ve clearly got an abundance of strengths –
you’ve just got to account for them!

What do you think your strengths are?

For example: I’m an intelligent and interesting person with a lot to offer other people.
Maybe I can use these attributes when meeting new people.
79 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

N. Out of the strengths and weaknesses discussed, which ones do you identify with?
Perhaps also try to think of ones personal to you that aren’t mentioned. Think of 3 or 4.

STRENGTHS WEAKNESSES

O. For each strength, or each weakness you wrote down, now think/write:
An episode where it has been protective/helpful to you

For example: Although I want to get to know people better, I don’t let others get close to
me as this has prevented me from getting hurt in the past.

A time that it hurt you in some way.

For example: Not letting others get close to me prevented me from establishing close
relationships.
80 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

P. Write down your most successful accomplishment.

For example: I feel really positive to have made it as far as I have

Which characteristic do you think helped you achieve this accomplishment?

For example: I am resilient - I don’t give up easily

Was it a part of a strength or a weakness written above?

For example: This characteristic is part of my strengths, but I wouldn’t be as resilient

without having to cope with my weaknesses
81 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

Q. What is the most important role you have fulfilled?

For example: Being an aunt is very important to me

Which characteristic helped you with this role?

For example: my loving and affectionate traits

Was it a part of a strength or a weakness written above?

82 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

R. When you faced a significant obstacle, what strengths helped you to overcome the
obstacle?

For example: problem solving skills, resilience, empathy, etc.

S. Which strengths do others recognize in you that you are surprised to hear about?

For example: people tell me that I’m funny/that I’m hard-worker, etc.
83 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

If you cannot think of strengths/skills that others recognize in you, think of compliments
you receive (at work or outside of it) and write these down.

T. What do you think is still missing? What strengths or skills do you still want to
achieve?

For example: I want to have a long-lasting romantic relationship. I think I may have to work on
my boundary issues and develop my ability to let others in to my life for this to happen.

What is getting in the way of achieving them: (for example trust in others, a support
system, intrinsic motivation, commitment to long term projects, the ability to maintain
relationships in the workplace, capacity to work in a team)
88 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

A. From the words below, pick five that best describes your social support system
(feel free to think of ones that aren’t listed):

• Meaningful • Bitter • Social

• Long term • Uncomfortable • Companion

• Turbulent • Intense • Intellectual

• Co-dependent • Small • Learning-based

• Harmonious • Expansive • Competitive

• Awkward • Secretive • Stable

• Supportive • Lonely • Tempestuous

• Formally cordial • Professional • Unstable

• Expressive • Love-hate • One-sided

• Chaotic • Short term • Remote

• Intimate • Distant • Hollow

89 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

B. What do you look for in a social support system? Check all that apply (and try to
think of more).

• Connection

• Sense of belonging

• Fun

• Understanding

• Validation

• Support

• Parent

• Profound connections

C. What are my typical behaviors toward members in my social support system?

(again, feel free to think of others).

• Clingy

• Understanding

• Agreeable

• Caretaker, the "mom/

dad"

• Strict

• Jealous

• Strong-minded

• Crazy fun
90 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

D. Reflecting on the last two questions: how do your behaviors support your needs
from your social support?

For example: I push others away/I cling onto others

H. Take a look at the following graph. Write down people or relationships that are part
of your circles:

Macro level: the people in your wider community, e.g. your work colleagues

Meso level: the groups that you associate with, such as wider friend group

Micro level: the significant people in your life, such as your partner, best friends, etc.

macro-level
global community

meso level
national community

micro-level
lifeboat community
91 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

I. Reflecting on these relationships, what some recurrent issues you come across
with the relationships you have on a:

(Examples of issues are trust difficulties, dependence tendencies, miscommunications,

lack of interest, lack of chemistry, difficulties forgiving, struggles connecting in big
groups, etc.)

Micro-level:

Meso level:

Macro-level

J. Which of these issues that you wrote down are the most bothersome to you:

For example: I find it hard to trust people’s intentions in my wider friend group - this
prevents them from becoming close friends

K. Where do you believe these issues stem from?

For example: I think it comes from my belief that people don’t hang around after they get
to know me
92 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

L. Place each problematic issue that you wrote down in one of these three columns:

Predicting factors | Perpetuating factors | Protective factors

Note: predicting factors are things that trigger your problematic issues. It might be
someone not answering their phone, not replying to messages quickly enough, or using
a certain tone of voice. Perpetuating factors are things that maintain these problems,
for example, conflict within a friend group, or feeling down about yourself around others.
Protective factors are those which you do to protect yourself from experiencing negative
emotions, such as isolating yourself, freezing people out, or being too accepting.
94 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

Take a moment to reflect on the intimate relationships that were important to you,
regardless of the length. Try to remember factors like the kind of family she/he/they had,
how you would have described the relationship (conflicted, passionate, violent, etc.), how
long did it last, how many times did you break up, etc.

Relationship 1.

Your partner’s profile:

What the relationship was like:

Relationship 2. (not required)

Your partner’s profile:

What the relationship was like:

95 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

Relationship 3. (not required)

Your partner’s profile:

What the relationship was like:

Relationship 4. (not required)

Your partner’s profile:

What the relationship was like:

104 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

A. Identify your triggers in relationships.

Communication
E.g., partner starts asking too many questions

Expressions of affection
E.g., partner wants public displays of affection

Time spent together

E.g., my partner wants to spend time with my family

Values or beliefs
E.g., wants to share everything with me
105 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

B. Identify your needs

Communication
E.g., someone who gives me time to process my thoughts

Expressions of affection
E.g., someone who respects my boundaries

Time spent together

E.g., respects my time alone

Values or beliefs
E.g., does not judge my beliefs
106 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

C. Identify soothing mechanisms.

That your partner can do for you

E.g., verbalize understanding for my boundaries

That you can do for yourself

E.g., deep breathing, turn off my phone

Grounding strategies for myself

E.g., name the color of things around me and three things that I can hear
107 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

D. List 10 things that make you feel safe in a relationship (examples: understanding,
consistency, words of affirmation, etc.)

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Place a * next to the ones that are a direct product of your attachment style
119 PART II DISORGANIZED WORKBOOK

A. My newly recognized superpowers (think of as many as you can).

IN THE DATING SCENE IN RELATIONSHIPS INTIMACY/BEDROOM AT WORK

Loving, but respectful Committed to the

Example: Enigmatic Eager to improve
of time alone person’s needs
193 ATTACHMENT & SCHEMA WORKBOOK

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