Chapter 1
Unapologetically You
Debugging the Code
liabilities; from bad relationships; from sickness and eventually from all
forms of pain. We have been sold on an idea of happiness which requires
that we liberate ourselves from the miseries that overwhelm us. The
notion of a ‘perfect life’ is a carefully calibrated strategy of the society in
which we exist and aim to thrive in. Deviating from the societal norms
objectives will catapult us to a life of freedom and happiness.
We are conditioned to believe for instance–buying a fancy car or
most exotic nook in the world is a choice we have freely exercised. We
conditioning takes us away from lasting contentment and joy. For the
ultimate form of bliss is devoid of materials but remains hidden under
heaps of expectations from our communities. We get pushed into
disappointments for not having what we yearn for or what others possess.
An idea that has propelled with the incision of social media networks.
2 Shift Left
What started as the means of joy, retracts and collapses into existential
crisis, anxieties, depressions or fears.
And yet, when we pursue to act on our construct, we can pull ourselves
out of this web by debugging our algorithm of emotions. The change we
look to bring on ourselves by altering the external surrounding is nothing
more than an internal shift of thoughts, actions and habits. Akin to
troubleshooting a software program and testing it early before delivery.
Only to ensure the program is devoid of any future mishaps. A phase
termed as ‘Shift Left’.
You have been made to believe that buying a plush house on the
charming partner will bring a lifetime of happiness. Have you also been
informed that to sustain this happiness; you need to keep upgrading your
lifestyle, be glued to a job you might hate or live in a relationship that is
adhering to society’s command? Have you ever visited a research center
where scientists experiment with mice? You would observe a mouse having
electrodes connected to their brains which are controlled by the scientists.
The scientists play around with the controllers making the mouse move
from one direction to the other through the electrodes. This is to study the
are convinced that they have been moving freely of their own accord.
Humans have connected antennas assembled out of societal dogma,
their own (sometimes) irrational desires and diktats to their brains. They
catch random signals from strange sources and make decisions under
But are they?
How do we break through such beliefs? How do we let our innate
which only add unhappiness, anger, frustration, impatience into our
lives? Despite spectacular medical marvels to our credit, we still struggle
to get out of mental stigmas. How do we strike a balance and bring our
emotions to an equilibrium?
I invite you to consider a paradigm shift on the issues that form
your actions and habits, shaping you to be a caricature of society rather
Unapologetically You 3
experiences though my experiences are by no means unique. I have come
across numerous people who have gone through the same upheavals in
their lives.
The challenges I speak of on these pages are not mine alone; they have
also been experienced by a thousand others. None of us has been singled
out in this world. We feel we’ve been singled out and thrown rudely into
challenges. This makes us feel victimized. What we tend to forget is that
the same problem has been dealt with by someone else somewhere.
This understanding helped me overcome the issues that entangled me.
I learned the methods used by others and see it as my duty to pass it on
in the form of this book.
The Goodness Scale
People live under two popular societal assumptions. In their heads, they are
either perfect or a complete screw-up. Perfect because, ‘I can never go wrong,
it is the world that needs counseling’ or a screw up because ‘everything
bad in this world always happens to me’. They lock themselves into these
perfect’, you shut yourself to any form of upskilling, learning or an alternate
form of thinking. Likewise, when you play the martyr to everything bad, you
ram yourself to a point of no return and seek entitlement to every problem.
I designed ‘The goodness scale of life’ to explain this:
But you can tweak this scale by altering your mental makeup.
Change the ‘I am perfect’, to ‘I am improving each passing day in
every aspect of my life’. Similarly, instead of playing the victim, you
could simply say, ‘It could have been worse’ to any bad situation you
4 Shift Left
might encounter. In altering your thoughts, you give yourself the space
to improve by shifting towards the positive. Improving to be better or
acknowledging and learning from your mistakes. Your perspective
towards the bad, therefore, changes to be a hard master than the source
of grief. I present the above goodness scale of life with a minor alteration
which has been the guiding principle in this book.
and being aware of the problem you can chalk out your path to get out of
the rut. Where possible, I present techniques and solutions which have
helped me transform into the person I have become. You may adopt
these techniques or choose your own with alterations. The end goal is to
Unapologetically You 5
The way humans live today, breathe, eat, poop, work, sleep, love,
pray are all manifestations of a rule book. The said rule book is created,
manipulated and imbued into people’s consciousness by their ecosystem.
The ecosystem could be people, circumstances or their own emotions
towards which they tend to be extremely biased. Humans cut a sorry
them over a period, forcing them to believe what is good or bad without
having an empirical experience of facts.
The Value Economy of Nurturing
This is not a book on parenting, but to decipher the human code, let us
leaves no stone untouched in conditioning us to its club rules. As infants
begin to develop their cognitive abilities, they are given a rigid framework
hindsight but not enough insight, they thrust this rigid framework onto
the tender psyche of their children. I am not suggesting that a parent
should not stop a kid from picking up a knife and hurting themselves or
eating something that would choke them or abusing anyone that does
not bow to their demands! I am referring to the discomfort of parents in
allowing their child to develop the ability to reason and be logical. That
ability is the right of a child, it is what their survival depends on.
you can now forecast what a parent would do to align their child to
enrolling their kids for Karate classes, why should my kid be left out?’
maybe the parent could spend some time in observing the kid’s inherent
ability towards the sport before blindly following the rest of the sheep.
Soon enough, the child loses interest in pursuing the activity, turning
it into a chore instead of turning it into an inspiration that drives their
life-purpose.
This is not all. We also sit in judgment of the kid’s ability and declare
him mediocre in comparison to the great Bruce Lee when the poor
thing hates martial arts! Karate happens to be one example of the many
6 Shift Left
out the merits of Karate. With it, they limit their power to understand
their children. We reduce ourselves to explaining how the earth revolves
animals on four. We limit our kids just as we were limited ourselves.
our child asks us happily.
we answer tersely with zero imagination,
killing a part of her curiosity too.
Essentially, it means this was the answer we were given so you better
accept it as an answer or solution too. We dare not challenge society’s
its ways.
Today, the old framework has shifted a little. Instead of giving curiosity
him a smartphone. The internet is a quagmire of information the child
will surely get lost in. The information overload will tire the child and he
the kid is glued to the smartphone playing games or watching videos, the
parents go to town complaining that the kid is addicted to technology
and does not converse with the family. Smartphones and technology take
the rap as the new age devil. The truth of the matter is a child would
rather interact with a person than a device.
The modern rules of engagement have evolved into a thug’s premise
of This kind of self-centered focus leaves no room
for any human values and turns one into a thoughtless beast who knows
only how to survive in the most basic way possible.
Yet, we fare better when we are allowed to hone, display and use our
unique endowments and skills rather than be pushed to take up the most
profession in vogue. We are presented with a
list of to-dos before we can tap into our resourcefulness because everyone
else has signed up for the same program.
Besides, there is a plethora of programs and skill-development classes
that are deemed mandatory for the all-round development of a child.
Essentially, what they mean is that a kid is not innately able to face
the world. This seeds a sub-conscious pressure on the child to perform
Unapologetically You 7
well at these programs and academies and always stay in the race to be
relevant. The thinking grows into the child turning into an adult where the
impression remains. This has turned society into a limiting, competitive
Going back to the example of shoving Karate down a child’s throat -
see other kids managing it with ease so she too, pretends nothing is amiss.
Sadly, she has no idea that most of the other kids are in the same boat as
her, and are only pretending to cope. She becomes adept at it by adopting
twisted coping mechanisms. This builds a validation that they are doing
which could go on to be fatal as they move towards adolescence.
As individuals and parents, we have failed to recognize this because
we generally tend to follow the trend. A reality-check here: According
to research, the top ten jobs or business ventures in the world today are
those which did not even exist ten years ago. So, what are we preparing
that allows them to voice their opinions, attract their interests, and sustain
their curiosity. A sustained interest will fuel their passion, making them
stand out and be noticed. Choosing the same thing your neighbor’s child
does, will not.
In our desire to bring out the best in our kids, we scramble to provide
them with all possible resources. We forget that real disruptors are those
an atmosphere that is strapped for resources. A resource fed child is not
going to do better; he’s just going to become dull, complacent and bored!
Where is the challenge to make things work despite impossible odds? It
is easy to build a tree-house when everything needed to build it has been
Countless young graduates join the corporate world expecting to be
provided all possible resources. They expect an environment that is
8 Shift Left
as accessible and comfortable as their homes, only to plunge into a
state of panic when met with reality. Social media resounds with the
plaintive cries of folks who have had to make a shocking acquaintance
with reality.
just name a wish and it shall pop out of thin air, even before the paint
dries on their smooth nails. I have witnessed top rankers from premier
institutes join us at work. They are exceedingly talented in planning and
developing strategies but fail miserably at execution.
They are not on familiar terms with ground realities and the practical
issues a department or a company faces. At their colleges or universities,
they are unable to function in an environment with limited resources,
end up quitting their jobs, looking for another organization where they
matter. Very few amongst them take up the pain of learning the nuances
of a workplace. Those who stay put and keep learning are the ones who
eventually start ascending the corporate ladder.
to be earned. The desire then helps us develop the right ethics and
lament nowadays. When we blatantly pamper our children, it becomes
increasingly tough to communicate with others.
Parents are often reluctant to be so brutally honest with their
discouraging but that’s not true. An unrealistic assessment of his abilities
the plain-speak helps build trust and genuine self-esteem, untouched by
Unapologetically You 9
boastful arrogance. The children know they were not sold on something
they are not. They would respect their parents even more for not turning
In high school, my father urged me to take up a subject that I would
need to study to take over his business someday. I rebelled against
this thought constantly and told him that I didn’t see myself managing
what he did. Eventually, he agreed to my point of view. Today I am
on my own doing considerably well for myself. Had I bowed down
to the pressure under the mistaken idea that I was being respectful
towards my father’s wishes, I would be sulking within and probably
even hating my father for it. Instead of brow-beating children to
outdated social structures, it would serve everyone much better to help
them develop the ability to reason, love and form genuine connections
with people. It is much fruitful explaining the importance of bonding
as a family by respecting and supporting the family member’s decisions
and choices in life.
Circle of Friendships
Speaking of your support system, let’s move on to our ecosystem of
ideology our friends and family do. Even if they are wrong, we are
reluctant to point it out to them for fear of losing the friendship. We
tend to overlook their faults. Like everyone else, I too have been wary of
pointing out a friend’s faults, for fear of losing the friend forever. Over
the years while evaluating relationships with my close friends, I realized
I preferred expressing myself frankly if I felt they had taken me for a ride.
I would rather not remain loyal to relationships that require me to lose
something to remain alive.
Some friends appreciated where I was coming from and immediately
corrected their behavior. Today we share an extremely close bond
because we respect each other’s values, challenges and stand for each
conveniently excused myself from their lives, liberating myself from
the toxic relationship. We also have ourselves to blame for encouraging
10 Shift Left
Extremities of Life
All societies have their own Dos and Don’ts. They have their own beliefs,
ethics, values and moral code built into them. Growing up, you too were
introduced to a system of ethics. What were the most important values
also stem from societal beliefs. But very few of us would relate with the
realities of adversities, dealing with failures, how to cope with situations
when all the above good values fail. Of course, we would have been better
which was a part of life, without making a big deal of them.
We are so engrossed in chasing the good things in life that these
elements become the only things in life. We’ve never been told that
Often there are more downs than the ups. If we do not get disillusioned
with our ups, we will not falter during our downs. This would help make
us more robust and ‘anti-fragile’. To understand the value of wealth one
must understand poverty, to understand the value of family one must
know the meaning of being isolated, to understand the value of food one
must understand hunger. The list is endless.
Understanding that life swings between the extremities of good and
bad create a built-in tipping balance for us. Knowing that I can improve
even if I am the best or my situation could have been worse even if
this is the worst I have experienced, gives me the strength to push my
boundaries.
There was a king in India who showered his child with all the luxuries
and indulgences one could ask for. He kept his prince at bay from the
misery of the people in his kingdom. For a large part of his youth, the
prince believed his palace was the entire world, with an unlimited
supply of materials he could ever need. One day, the prince accidentally
wandered outside the palace gates. He was aghast at what he saw.
expectations and ephemeral pleasures laden on human beings. If these
Unapologetically You 11
The prince’s name was Siddhartha Gautama who went on to become
Gautama Buddha.
Buddha himself preached to strike the balance between extremes.
Those who have read Gautama Buddha, know the profound impact of
his teachings all over the world today and is seen as the ultimate solution
to one’s problems.
The Failure Paradox
In school and early college days, I loved to play Cricket (a much-loved
sport in India) and wanted to play at the bigger clubs after representing
They believed Cricket would divert me from completing my education
and I must pursue a respectable job in the market (again a typical social
response). I was generalized into a category of the working class which
would be safe and secure for my future as the risks of failing were low.
I would have failed miserably and in the failure, I would have learned to
prosper and embrace failures in other endeavors of life.
For me, failure only meant the end of all options and dreams. I did
not know that failure could also mean new learning, trying something
else which might help me improve, strategize in a way that no one else
sound but never mentioned what failure is to me or how could it help me
overcome my limitations.
Failure has been depicted as an evil ghost rather than a friend who
pushes you to learn and question the status quo. If we are acclimatized to
a goal. We would stop being obsessed with success and no longer let the
thought of failure make us anxious.
When we keep succeeding it indicates something is working well for
us. This also forces us to focus on only those actions and behaviors
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which made us successful and with time we cease to look at other ways
to attain or expand our goal. Not knowing the alternate methods might
be productive for us in the short run but if the demographic shifts,
develop a trepidation of losing it all by trying something new. Success
should not be the peak of a mountain where we end our exploration
but the opening out of a fresh new world to march on ahead. When we
analyze some other fundamentals touted as bad by society, as a failure
in a more holistic way, we would see them as enablers for a healthy and
more meaningful life than eluding them.
Indulging Happiness
Our happiness too, when dissected presents to us nothing more than a
box of materialistic pleasures. We can be joyful with a luxe lifestyle and
the resources for happiness in their lives, yet living in abject misery. We
are conditioned to believe that happiness is a goal that you achieve with
worldly materials, instead of choosing it as a way of life.
(joy of missing out)!
It is okay to not go partying with friends at times but lie down on
the couch and relax. Instead of focusing on the time you are missing out
with friends and not taking pictures for your Instagram account, think
about the time you are giving your body to unwind and rest. Chasing
happiness only takes us away from it. At every event, instance or action
we set an expectation of an outcome in our favor. If the outcome is not
to our standard or expectation we start sulking until some other event,
instance or action makes us happy. This invariably yanks us into a loop
of varied emotions and in the pursuit of happiness. We are much better
about the surprises the action brings us. It is this element of surprise in
our life events that bring in contentment and joy.
One might argue that this is not true for every event in life. What
about the loss of life? Losing someone extremely close? The pain of
Unapologetically You 13
losing a loved one is subjective. I have wept desolately on losing some
individuals in my life. But again, theories of life and death are convoluted
by our society. Death, however painful, is a part of life. It is the only
guarantee to one’s life amid every other achievement of a living being.
loved one who is no longer amongst us rather than forever drowning in
grief. We can draw immense inspiration from the departed into our own
lives, from the principles they followed and for which we loved them.
surprises, one doesn’t imply that even tragedy is a matter of hilarity. It
is not; it is heartbreaking. It is okay to grieve and be sorrowful. Losing
someone precious cannot be brushed away. But once the grief has been
processed, it is time to bounce back. To rediscover one’s passion for life
and be ready once more to go where she leads. What is your turn around
time to normalcy when you are stuck with a life-changing experience that
brings immense grief?
moments of your life were, in fact, the toughest, most adverse moments
of your life.
Times where you stood strong in the face of adversity, overcame
and sustainable are the events which were the mainstays of everlasting
happiness. A promotion after toiling hard at work, a start-up venture
on to a long-distance relationship which eventually works out, are such
ability to bounce back even if we hit rock bottom or lose the faith of the
people around us.
We must nevertheless, detach from the misery that deceives as
happiness. With such deceptions, we go on to form toxic relationships
with people. Our pursuit of happiness and success goes to extremes where
we tolerate harmful people in our lives for varied emotional reasons. No
marriage despite mistreating each other and put up a façade of being a
happily married couple to the society.
14 Shift Left
arguments as it forms the basis of a stronger bonding. Adultery and physical
abuse, however, should not be tolerated as there is no coming back once
these vices enter a relationship, however hard the oppressor tries.
Let’s Talk Money
no challenges in life. Their lives should be smooth sailing and they ought
not to have any complaints.
The contradictory premise about money is to be the root of all evil and
the able. Both these hypotheses about money are false. Wealth, like all
other values we seek to possess, is a vital ingredient for our well-being.
However, it is not the only value we should possess or keep hustling for.
Consider a shelf placed within our bodies, you would want to have a jar
our life doesn’t complete us and so it is with money. Therefore, placing
more or less importance to the value of money is disastrous.
Having money by trading our relations, love, trust, happiness is
disastrous. For if you do, you would always have to pay a price to buy those
values or experiences which exist only temporarily. Since you have valued
money higher than love and let go of your loved ones in a bid to amass
wealth, you would only end up paying people for love to bring that fraction
of compassion in your life which was otherwise unrestricted. You would
spend to buy comfort, convenience and luxury to make yourself happy
which was otherwise free through non-materialistic pleasures. I have lost
count of people I know who despite being married or in a relationship
opt for paid sex or shower gifts to people elsewhere soliciting for physical
relationships. They feel stuck in their relationships and seek no happiness
between partners and are now simply got bored with each other.
For years, I enjoyed visiting the top of the line hotels and restaurants.
Unapologetically You 15
validation through social media platforms on the places I visited. Any
new chic restaurant or luxury stay pops up in my reach I would be there
and rave about it. This happened for a while and eventually, I realized
or food. I got bored with the indulgence I craved and did so much of it
I was made to feel happy only because I paid for it and seeking
validation about it with an online community meant nothing. It only
made me happy momentarily until my feeds appeared on the walls
of my friend’s accounts. Once a post got older, I had to look for new
posts to show up for likes and comments and feel happy about it. Today
after deliberations, I am happy spending time at home reading, writing,
conversing with family members or visiting our loved ones which helps
in creating meaningful bonds. All of this doesn’t require me to seek
validation of my actions through strangers on social media and above
all doesn’t cost a dime! This doesn’t mean I have stopped visiting
restaurants, but the reason for visiting has now changed.
We’ve all heard it said, The correct saying
is .
This quote has been misinterpreted by somewhere they pass a blanket
Kindness
usually, someone else’s money, or with money the dispensers have not
earned. Even so, it can help you survive only for a while and is by no
means a sustainable substitute for money that is hard-earned and well
deserved.
We cannot practically live a life without money, as we would not live a
life only with a single jar of the above-mentioned values in ourselves.
ground to the rest of the virtues we pursue.
16 Shift Left
The corruption of money is the way in which we use it to bribe or
create a bias. This corruption can be caused by any other commodity
and not just money albeit being widely used. It is not the real essence of
knowing people and their aims of developing a bond with you. Look out
for those who rate wealth, money and luxury above any other value. For
those who fall only for money constantly, will never rise for any values
money which have destroyed the very tenets of humanity.
This can be changed when man realizes the real purpose of wealth.
education, and research, for instance. The same can be extended to a
propels a society to build bridges that connect instead of building walls
which demarcate, improve healthcare rather than undermine our well-
being, conserve the ecology instead of destroying it. Funnily enough,
we see the poor choosing to laugh and dance to divert themselves
from the pain of poverty and the rich worrying about the productive
reinvestment of their wealth!
Limitless
which failure is banished. The peaks of success are only to be accessed
to be true with all the successful people we hear and read about, they never
let their dreams be beaten by third party facts or limited by society’s gauge.
If Steve Jobs surrendered to the belief that he can never be hired in
the company he was expelled from, he wouldn’t have built an iconic and
one of the most revered brands the world has seen. If Roger Federer
believed that tennis players should retire at the age of thirty, he wouldn’t
have won a record twenty Grand Slam singles titles or eight Wimbledon
championships and still vouch for the next championship title as I write
Unapologetically You 17
this chapter. You can pick up any of your idols from any walk of life and
we are not able to emulate our idols is because we only attach their success
to their greatness. That’s the only reason we idolize them. Their success.
in our journey towards a goal. All our heroes have faltered miserably but
chose to keep coming back at their goals with renewed ideas.
Failure to them was not an end but an important master through
their journey to success. They did not bother what the limitations of
their predicaments were, but focused on rewriting what their standards
embraced them by giving a whole new meaning to competition. They are
unapologetic to the events and people who don’t bring any value to them
or their endeavors and stay relentless in their pursuit. They let go of the
smaller things that would suck them into the tunnel of mediocrity. They
analyzed the facts but were never bound to those facts that could bring
them down or halt their march.
To be the most powerful, disregard power.
By sticking to a job and bowing down to an existing order, detach from
the thought of losing your job and then see the wonders you can create
within your workplace. The same is true if you are an artist, sportsperson
or leader. Existing formulas work well to give you a known answer. We
need to constantly challenge the status quo to create breakthroughs. We
are accustomed to focusing on the consequence that distracts us from the
action. For instance, forget attaining loyalty of a loved one but focus on
Forget garnering wealth and fame, focus on working tirelessly on an
idea you are crazy about. Wealth creation or prosperity then happens
spontaneously, without you trying to make it happen. There is no better
feeling than being liberated from the pre-set notions, compulsions and
falsehoods of society. The feeling that helps you propel to your goal
irrespective of the facts and circumstances.
