Expectations from Self and Others Section 5

Many of us give the very best of who we are every day, yet all too often struggle to feel like our best is good
enough. Understanding, and at times challenging our own expectations and perception of others’ expectations
is key to identifying and transforming unrealistic expectations that compromise our ability to approach others
with compassion and extend that compassion to ourselves. In this section, we identify the expectations we
have for ourselves and for others and question whether these expectations are helpful for us or holding us back.

We all carry a load of expectations with us. Expectations are firmly tied to our needs, desires, values, and
beliefs. They paint a mental picture of how we think things “should” be.

As educators, we are taught to have high expectations for our students and to hope that those expectations will
drive them to do better than they otherwise would have done. Our expectations of ourselves or the expectations placed
upon us can also drive us to excel. Self-expectations and the expectations placed upon us can be realistic or unrealistic,
helpful or hurtful. When our expectations are made explicit and realistic, they can be the foundation for dreams, ideas, and
possibilities. They can feed us, inspire us and help us to show up in our lives. If we are holding ourselves or someone else
to an unrealistic standard, then we can learn to adjust these expectations.

Expectations become problematic when they take us out of the present to solely focus on the future, or fill our heads with
how things “should” be and feel and of how the people around us “should” act and feel. Our “shoulds” of ourselves
reflect expectations that we feel we are not meeting. When we tell ourselves that we “should” be doing something, we
are reinforcing the idea that we are not doing it. If our internal dialogue says “I should spend more time on these lesson
plans” the implicit end to that sentence is “… but, I am not.” We are reinforcing the negative and this can result in guilt,
frustration, or anxiety.

Well meaning, but unchecked, expectations can form the bedrock of compassion fatigue. Expectations may operate in the
short-term: “If I get this lesson just right, all the kids will love it.” In this example, we create expectations for ourselves
(“If I get this lesson just right…”), as well as for others (“all the kids will love it”). These expectations may invite
shame if not living up to our self-expectation, as well as resentment if others do not live up to our expectations of them.
Expectations also operate in the long-term and may be evident in the goals we set for ourselves or the metrics that others
set for us: “I will be a great teacher if X% of my students pass achievement tests.” As this example shows, our own
expectations may be influenced by the expectations others have for us.

While we can rarely change what other people think or expect of us, by noticing our expectations, we can keep those that
fit and are comfortable, while making changes to those that do not serve us. It is only when conscious of our expectations
that we can examine how realistic they are. We can increase our compassion resilience by making a conscious effort to

Developed in partnership with:

compassionresiliencetoolkit.org
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Advancing Adult Compassion Resilience: A Toolkit for Schools | Section 5 | Expectations from Self and Others
Expectations from Self and Others Section 5

notice the “shoulds” in our life and the effect that such expectations may have on us. We must first notice and name our
expectations if we are to better align them with reality. Let’s take a moment to think about some expectations we carry as
educators. Try to think of a few expectations in each category.

Expectations of self Expectations of student Expectations of colleagues Expectations of parents

Example I should like all of my Students should always They should spend X hours P arents should monitor
students come prepared to class on course preparation their child’s homework

My
Examples

Place a star next to those you think are helpful/realistic and an X next to those you think are hurtful/unrealistic.

Let’s look at a few examples of how unchecked expectations may lessen our compassion resilience. For each
case, we will consider strategies that may be helpful in building our compassion resilience.

Case 1: Lisa has taught for seven years and is beginning a new school
year. So far, she has loved her job, derived a lot of satisfaction from her
work, and felt like a “successful” teacher. She expects this year she
should feel the same way. However, she’s charged with developing a new
curriculum, finds her class size has increased, has fewer engaged students
in her classes, and is experiencing stress in her personal life.

Reflection: Lisa is experiencing multiple systemic drivers of compassion

fatigue and external sources of stress, which are then affecting the
likelihood she can perform as she has in prior years. Her compassion
resilience may suffer if she does not adjust her expectations to these
new circumstances.

Strategy: Lisa may find it useful to consider what is influencing her ability to meet her expectation. In
the table above, what system drivers make it difficult to achieve the examples you provided?

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Expectations from Self and Others Section 5

Case 2: Todd is undergoing his first teacher-parent conference. He’s discouraged to

find that many parents are not exhibiting the engagement he anticipated: some do not
show up, others appear not take the conversation as seriously as he had hoped. He
starts to blame parents for the student’s learning and behavioral difficulties and feels
angry that they are not getting the support they need.

Reflection: Our expectations are often internal and undiscussed. Todd may have
found it useful to discuss his expectations regarding conferences with other teachers.

Strategy: Making expectations transparent helps us to see if they are aligned with
reality. How might you test the expectations you listed in the table by talking with others?

Reflection: It is a losing battle to expect outcomes that are not within one’s control.

Strategy: Todd may also find it useful to identify expectations that are outside of his control. Which expectations that
you listed in the table relate to outcomes you cannot control?

Case 3: Mary prides herself on being a principal who teachers trust, one who
offers a safe space for teachers to discuss their challenges and collaborate to
solve problems. This year, there have been more teachers than usual seeking out
her support, especially with many new teachers and the recent loss of one of
the students. Mary is struggling with her own feelings surrounding the student’s
death and struggling to provide the same support to teachers as in the past.
Mary believes that her feelings should not interfere with her ability to provide
mentoring support for the teachers.

Reflection: Just as unrealized expectations or unrealistic expectations may

challenge our compassion resilience, so too can symptoms of compassion
fatigue make it more difficult to meet our expectations! Remember: compassion
fatigue is a common response to the difficult situations we may encounter.

Strategy: The relationship between compassion fatigue and expectations makes it all the more apparent how self-
compassion heightens our compassion resilience. Mary’s perceived inadequacy could lessen her compassion resilience
even further. With self-compassion, Mary is better equipped to recognize her own needs to maintain her physical,
emotional, and mental well-being so that she may again show up compassionately for staff. By applying some strategies
found in this toolkit, Mary might build her resilience.

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Expectations from Self and Others Section 5

While it pays to keep an eye on our own expectations and assumptions, we also have a laundry list of expectations that are
heaped upon us. Many of us struggle mightily as we try to fulfill the expectations of others. Expectations placed upon us
are often not clearly defined and unexpressed; rather, we make inferences about the expectations people have for us.
Uncommunicated expectations cannot be met. Expectations from others may be reasonable or unreasonable. When
unreasonable expectations are placed upon us, it may be a quick path to feeling burnt-out. Giving too much of ourselves
as we strive to meet or exceed expectations may also lead to burn-out. If we are over-zealous in our pursuit of exceeding
expectations, then people eventually presume that we will continue to go over and above at each and every opportunity.
When we no longer can go the extra mile, or no longer wish to, then everyone is disappointed. It is not difficult to see how
expectations can be a root cause of damaged relationships and compassion fatigue!

We may set more reasonable expectations of ourselves – and build more satisfying relationships with others- when we talk
to people to clarify their expectations. Only with open lines of communication can we be clear about what the expectations
are and whether we can reasonably meet them. Sometimes, bosses or colleagues who are setting unreasonable expectations
may not even be aware they are putting unfair pressure on us. This resource provides us with ideas as to how we might
approach a conversation with bosses whose expectations may be too lofty. Building positive working relationships rests on
the following:

• acknowledging we all have expectations;

• striving to make expectations more transparent;
• and taking responsibility to communicate our own wants and needs (i.e., our own expectations).

Self-Care Strategies for the MIND: Developing Positive Affirmations (10-15 minutes)

This exercise is designed to help identify hurtful self-expectations and transform them into positive
affirmations.

Compassionate boundary setting – personal and professional.

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Advancing Adult Compassion Resilience: A Toolkit for Schools | Section 5 | Expectations from Self and Others