This is a reproduction of a library book that was digitized

by Google as part of an ongoing effort to preserve the

information in books and make it universally accessible.

https://books.google.com
 QUR
Deporemeno
 gift of

Mr. Granville L. Rogers

F O RD UNIVERSI
N JUNIOR
STA
LELAND

TY

ORGANIZED1891
*

STANFORD UNIVERSITY LIBRARIES

 OUR

EFORTMENTT
EPORTMEN
OR THE

MANNERS, CONDUCT AND DRESS

OF THE MOST REFINED SOCIETY;

INCLUDING

Horms forLetters,Invitatious, str., etc. Jlsa,Valuable

Suggestions on Home Culture and Training.

COMPILED FROM THE LATEST RELIABLE AUTHORITIES,

BY

JOHN H. YOUNG , A. M.
A

F. B. DICKERSON & CO . ,
DETROIT, MICH . HAMILTON , ONT.
PENNSYLVANIA PUBLISHING COMPANY, HARRISBURG , PA .
CENTRAL PUBLISHING HOUSE , CINCINNATI , OHIO.
UNION PUBLISHING HOUSE , CHICAGO, ILL .
W. C. KING , SPRINGFIELD, MASS.
1880.
 BJ 1852
7ㅔ

0 go through this life with good manners possessed,

Is to be kind unto all, rich, poor and oppressed,
For kindness and mercy are balms that will heal
The sorrows, the pains, and the woes that we feel.

COPYRIGHTED
BY

FREEMAN B. DICKERSON ,
1879.
 PRE FACE

O one subject is of more importance to people

generally than a knowledge of the rules, usages
and ceremonies of good society , which are com
monly expressed by the word “Etiquette.” Its
necessity is felt wherever men and women associate to
gether, whether in the city, village or country town,
at home or abroad. To acquire a thorough knowl
edge of these matters, and to put that knowledge into
practice with perfect ease and self -complacency, is what
people call good breeding. To display an ignorance of
them , is to subject the offender to the opprobrium of
being ill-bred.
In the compilation of this work, the object has been
to present the usages and rules which govern the most.
refined American society, and to impart that information
which will enable any one, in whatever circumstances
of life, to acquire the perfect ease of a gentleman, or
the gentle manners and graceful deportment, of a well
bred lady, whose presence will be sought for, and who,
by their graceful deportment will learn the art of being
at home in any good society .
(III )
TV PREFACE.

The work is so arranged, that every subject is con

veniently classified and subdivided ; it is thus an easy
matter to refer at once to any given subject. It has
been the aim of the compiler to give minutely all points
that are properly embraced in a work on etiquette, even
upon matters of seemingly trivial importance. Upon
some hitherto disputed points, those rules are given ,
which are sustained by the best authorities and endorsed
by good sense.
As the work is not the authorship of any one in
dividual, and as no individual, whatever may be his
acquirements, could have the presumption to dictate
rules for the conduct of society in general, it is there
fore only claimed that it is a careful compilation
from all the best and latest authorities upon the subject
of etiquette and kindred matters, while such additional
material has been embraced within its pages, as, it is
hoped, will be found of benefit and interest to every
American household . J. H. Y.
 CONTENTS
CHAPTER I. PAGE .
13
INTRODUCTORY.

CHAPTER II.
MANNERS
Good manners as an element of worldly success - Manner an index of
character - The true gentleman-The true lady - Importance of
trifles — Value of pleasing manners — Personal appearance enhanced
and fortunes made by pleasing manners-Politeness the outgrowth
cf good manners 20

CHAPTER III .
INTRODUCTIONS.
Acquaintances thus formed - Promiscuous, informal and casual intro
ductions - Introduction of a gentleman to a lady and a lady to a
gentleman - Introduction at a ball - The manner of introduction
-Introducing relatives - Obligatory introductions - Salutations after
introduction - Introducing one's self - Letters of introduction - How
they are to be delivered - Duty of a person to whom a letter of
introduction is addressed --Letters of introduction for business
purposes 31

CHAPTER IV .
SALUTATIONS .
The salutation originally an act of worship - Its form in different
nations — Thebow , its proper mode - Words of salutation - Manuer
of bowing - Duties of the young to older people - How to avoid
recognition - Etiquette of handshaking - Kissing as a mode of
salutation – The kiss of friendship - Thekiss of respect
(v)
YI CONTENTS.

CHAPTER V. PAGE

ETIQUETTE ON CALLS .
Morning calls - Evening calls - Rules for formal calls - Calls at Summer
resorts - Reception days — Calls made by cards— Returning the first
call - Calls after a betrothal takes place - Forming new acquaint
ance by calls — The first call, by whom to be made - Calls of
Congratulation - Visits of condolence - Keeping an account of calls
-Evening vlsits _- " Engaged " or " not at bome" to callers - General
rules relative to call3 - New Year's calls 58

CHAPTER VI.
ETIQUETTE ON VISITING.
General invitations not to be accepted - The limit of a prolonged visit
-Duties of a visitor - Duties of the host or hostess — True hospital
ity - Leave-taking - Invitations to guests - Forbearance with chil
dren - Guests making presents — Treatment of a host's friends 70

CHAPTER VII.
ETIQUETTE OF CARDS.
Visiting and calling cards — Their size and style Wedding cards
Leaving cards in calling - Cards for mother and daughter - Cards
not to be sent in envelopes to return formal calls - Glazed cards
not in fashion - P . P. C. cards - Cards of congratulation - When sent
-Leave cards in making first calls of the season and after invitar
tions - Cards of condolence - Bridegroom's card 76

CHAPTER VIII .
CORVERSATION .
Character revealed by conversation - Importance of conversing well
Childrer should be trained to talk well- Cultivation of the mem
ory - Importance of remembering names — How Henry Clay ac
quired this habit - Listening - Writing down one's thoughts-
Requisites for a good talker - Vulgarisms- Flippancy - Sympathizing
with another - Bestowing compliments - Slang - Flattery - Scandal
and gossip - Satire and ridicule - Religion and politics to be avoided
-Bestowing of titles - Interrupting another while talking-Adapt
ability in conversion -- Correct use of words - Speaking one'smind
Profanity - Display or knowledge - Douple entendres - Impertinent
questions - Things to be avoided in conversation - Hobbies --- Fault
83
finding - Disputes
 CONTENTS . VII

CHAPTER IX.
DINNER PARTIES . PAGE .

Dinners are entertai nents for married people - Whom to avite

Forms of invitations — Punctuality required – The success of a
dinner party – Table appointments Proper size of a dinner party
-Arrangement of guests at table - Serving dinner a la Russe
Duties of servants - Serving the dishes - General rules regarding
dinner - Waiting on others - Monopolizing conversation - Duties
of hostess and host - Retiring from the table - Calls required after
a dinner party - Returning hospitalities - Expensive dinners not
the most enjoyable - Wines at dinners 107

CHAPTER X.
TABLE ETIQUETTE .
Importance of acquiring good habits at the table – Table appointments
for breakfast, luncheon and dinner - Use of the knife and fork
Of the napkin - Avoid fast eating and all appearance of greedi ness
-General rules on the subject 121

CHAPTER XI.
RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS .
Morning receptions - The dress and refreshments for them - Invitations
-Musical matinees - Parties in the country-Five o'clock teas and
kettle-drums- Requisites for a successful ball - Introductions at a
ball- Receiving guests — The number to invite - Duties of the guests
- Generalrules to be observed at balls - Some suggestions for gentle
men - Duties of an escort - Preparations for a ball — The supper - An
after-call required · 127

CHAPTER XII .
STREET ETIQUETTE .
The street manners of a lady - Forming street acquaintances - Recog
nizing friends in the street-- Saluting a lady - Passing ough a
crowd – The first to bow - Do not lack politeness - How a lady and
gentleman should walk together - When to offer the lady the arm
Going up and down stairs - Smoking in the streets - Carrying
packages Meeting a lady acquaintance - Corner loafers - Shouting
in the street - Shopping etiquette - For public conveyances - Cutting
acquaintances - General suggestions 143
 CONTENTS.

CHAPTER XIII.
ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES . PAGE.

Conduct in church - Invitations to opera , theatres and'concerts -- Con

duct in public assemblages - Remain until the performance closes
Conduct in picture galleries — Behaviour at charity fairs - Conduct
at an artist's studio 155

CHAPTER XIV.
TRAVELING ETIQUETTE .
Courtesies shown to ladies traveling alone - Duties of an escort - Duties
of a lady to her escort - Ladies should assist other ladies traveling
alone , The seats to be occupied in a railway car - Discretion to be
165
used in forming acquaintances in traveling

CHAPTER XV.
RIDING AND DRIVING .
Learning to ride on horseback - The gentleman's duty as an escort in
riding -How to assist a lady to mount - Riding with ladies-- Assist
ing a lady to alight from a horse - Driving -- The seat of honor in a
carriage - Trusting the driver

CHAPTER XVI.
COURTSHIP.
Proper conduct of gentlemen and ladies towards each other - Pre
mature declaration of love - Love at first sight - Proper manner of
courtship Parents should exercise authority over daughters - An
acceptable suitor - Requirements for a happy marriage - Proposals
of marriage - A gentleman should not press an unwelcome suit - A
lady's refusal - A doubtful answer-Unladylike conduct toward a
suitor - The rejected suitor - Asking consent of parents - Presents
after engagement - Conduct and relations of the engaged couple
Lovers' quarrels - Breaking an engageinent 177

CHAPTER XVII.
WEDDING ETIQUETTE.
Choice of bridemaids and groomsmen or ushers — The bridal costume
Costumes of bridegroom and ushers - Presents of the bride and
bridegroom - Ceremorials at church when there are no bridemaids
or ushers Invitations to the ceremony alone - The latest ceremon
 CONTENTS. IX

PAGE
ials - Weddings at home - The evening wedding ~ " At home ” re
ceptions - Calls — The wedding ring - Marriage ceremonials of a
widow - Form of invitations to a reception - Duties of invited
guests – Of bridemaids and ushers - Bridal presents - Master of cere
193
monies - Wedding fees - Congratulations - The bridal tour

CHAPTER XVIII.
HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE .
Llome the woman's kingdom - Home companionship - Conduct of husband
and wife - Duties of the wife to her husband - The wife a helpmate
206
—The husband's duties

CHAPTER XIX.
HOME TRAINING.
First lessons learned at home - Parents should set good examples to
their children - Courtesies in the home circle - Early moral training
of children - The formation of their habits - Politeness at home
Train children for some occupation - Bad temper - Selfishness
Home maxims 214

CHAPTER XX.
HOME CULTURE.
Cultivate moral courage - The pernicious influence of indolence - Self
respect - Results of good breeding at home - Fault- finding and
grumbling - Family jars not to be made public - Conflicting inter
ests - Religious education - Obedience - Influence of example- The
influence of books 223

CHAPTER XXI .
WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION.
Its importance - Train young women to some occupation Education
of girls too superficial - An education appropriate to each sex
Knowledge of the laws of health needed by women - Idleness the v
source of all misery-A spirit of independence - Health and life
dependent upon a higher culture - Cultivation of the moral sense 231

CHAPTER XXII.
THE LETTER WRITER .
Letter writing is an indication of good breeding - Requirements for
 CONTENTS.
PAGE .
correct writing — Anonymous letters - Note paper to be used – Forms
of letters and notes-Forms of addressing notes and letters - Forms
of signature - Letters of introduction - When to be given - Notes of
invitation and replies thereto - Acceptances and regrets - Formal
invitations must be answered - Letters of friendship - Love letters
-Business letters and correspondence - Form of letter requesting
employment - Regarding the character of a servant - Forms for
notes, drafts, bills and receipts 240

CHAPTER XXIII.
QENERAL RULES TO GOYERN CONDUOT.
Attention to the young in society - Gracefulness of carriage - Attitude,
coughing, sneezing, etc. - Anecdotes, puns, etc. - A sweet and pure
breath - Smoking - A good listener --Give precedence to others - Be
moderate in speaking - Singing and playing in society - Receivico
and making presents - Governing our moods - A lady driving with
a gentleman - An invitation cannot be recalled - Avoid talking of
personalities Shun gossip and tale bearing - Removing the hat
Intruding on privacy - Politeness - Adapting yourself to others
Contradicting - A woman's good name - Expressing unfavorable
opinions - Vulgarities — Miscellaneous rules govorniug conduct
Washington's maxims 258

CHAPTER XXIV.
ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS .
How and when they are celebrated—The paper, cotton and leather
weddings — The wooden wedding - The tin wedding - The crystal
wedding — The silver wedding - The golden wedding - The diamond
wedding - Presents at anniversary weddings - Forms of invitations,
etc. 277

CHAPTER XXV.
BIRTHS AND CHRISTENING8 .
Naming the child - The christening - Godparents or sponsors---Presents
from godparents — The ceremony - The breakfast - Christening gifts
The hero of the day - Fees 283

CHAPTER XXVI .
FUNERALS.
Death notices and funeral invitations - Arrangements for the funeral
 CONTENTS . XI

PAGR
-The house of mourning - Conducting the funeral services - Tho
pall- bearers — Order of the procession - Floral and other decorations
-Calls upon the bereaved family - Seclusion of the family 288

CHAPTER XXVII.
ETIQUETTE AT WASHINGTON.
Social duties required of the President and his family , Receptions at
the White House - Order of official rank - Duties required of
members of the cabinet and their families - How to address officials
-The first to visit 295

CHAPTER XXVIII .
ETIQUETTE OF FOREIGN COURTS .
Foreign titles - Royalty - The nobility - The gentry - Esquires - Imperial
rank - European titles --Presentation at the court of St. James
Those eligible and ineligible for presentation - Preliminaries
Presentation costumes 301

CHAPTER XXIX .
BUSINE88.
The example of a nerchant prince- -Keep your temper - Honesty the
best policy - Form good habits — Breaking an appointment - Prompt
308
payment of bills, notes and drafts - General suggestions

CHAPTER XXX .
DRE88.
Requirements for dressing well - Perils of the love of dress to weak
minds - Consistency in dress - Extravagance — Indifference to dress
--Appropriate dress - The wearing of gloves - Evening or full dress
for gentlemen - Morning dress for gentlemen - Evening or full
dress for ladies - Ball dress — The full dinner dress - For receiving
and making morning calls - Morning dress for street - Carriage
dress --Promenade dress and walking suit-Opera dress — The riding
dress - For women of business -- Ordinary evening dress - For a
social party - Dress for the theater, lecture and concert - Archery,
croquet and skating costumes - Bathing dress - For traveling — The
bridal costume - Dress of bridemaids - At wedding receptions
Mourning dress - How long mourning should be worn 313
xii
CONTENTS.

CHAPTER XXXI .
COLORS AND THEIR HARMONY IN DRE88 . PAGE

The proper arrangement of colors - The colors adapted to different

persons - Material for dress -- Size in relation to color and dress
list of colors that harmonize 334

CHAPTER XXXII .
THE TOILET.

Importance of neatness and cleanliness — Perfumes — The bath - The teeth

and their care – The skin - The eyes, eyelashes and brows — The hair
and beard-The hands and feet 344

CHAPTER XXXIII .
TOILET RECIPES .

To remove freckles, pimples and sunburn - To beautify the complexion

-To prevent the hair falling out - Pomades and hair oils - Sea
foam or dry shampoo - To prevent hair turning gray - To soften
the skin-To cleanse the teeth - Remedy for chapped hands - For
corns and chilblains, etc. 365

CHAPTER XXXIV .
8PORTS, GAMES AND AMUSEMENTS.
Archery and its practice - Lawn Tennis - Boating - Picnics - Private The
atricals - Card playing 390

CHAPTER XXXV .
401
LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.

CHAPTER XXXVI.
PRECIOU8 STONES. 412
 CHAPTER I.

Introductory.
KNOWLEDGE of etiquette has been defined
to be a knowledge of the rules of society at
its best. These rules have been the outgrowth
of centuries of civilization, had their founda
tion in friendship and love of man for his fellow man
the vital principles of Christianity - and are most pow
erful agents for promoting peace, harmony and good
will among all people who are enjoying the blessings
of more advanced civilized government. In all civil
ized countries the influence of the best society is of
great importance to the welfare and prosperity of the
nation , but in no country is the good influence of the
most refined society more powerfully felt than in our
own, “ the land of the future, where mankind may
plant, essay, and resolve all social problems.” These
rules make social intercourse more agreeable, and V
facilitate hospitalities, when all members of society
hold them as binding rules and faithfully regard
their observance. They are to society what our laws
are to the people as a political body, and to disregard
them will give rise to constant misunderstandings,
( 13)
14 INTRODUCTORY .

engender ill-will, and beget bad morals and bad man

ners.

Says an eminent English writer : “ On manners,

refinement, rules of good breeding, and even the forms
of etiquette, we are forever talking, judging our neigh
bors severely by the breach of traditionary and un
written laws, and choosing our society and even our
friends by the touchstone of courtesy .” The Marchi
oness de Lambert expressed opinions which will be
endorsed by the best bred people everywhere when
she wrote to her son : “Nothing is more shameful
thar a voluntary rudeness. Men have found it neces
sary as well as agreeable to unite for the common good ;
they have made laws to restrain the wicked ; they have
agreed among themselves as to the duties of society,
and have annexed an honorable character to the prac
tice of those duties. He is the honest man who ob
serves them with the most exactness and the instances
of them multiply in proportion to the degree of nicety
of a person's honor. "
Originally a gentleman was defined to be one who,
without any title of nobility, wove a coat of arms.
And the descendants of many of the early colonists
preserve with much pride and care the old armorial
bearings which their ancestors brought with them from
their homes in the mother country. Although des
pising titles and ignoring the rights of kings, they
still clung to the " grand old name of gentleman.
But race is no longer the only requisite for a gentle
man , nor will race united with learning and wealth
 INTRODUCTORY . 15

make a man a gentleman, unless there are present V

the kind and gentle qualities of the heart, which find
expression the principles of the Golden Rules. Nor
will race, education and wealth combined make a
woman a true lady if she shows a want of refinement
and consideration of the feeings of others.
Good manners are only acquired by education and
observation , followed up by habitual practice at home
and in society, and good manners reveal to us the lady
and the gentleman. He who does not possess them ,
though he bear the highest title of nobility, cannot
expect to be called a gentleman ; nor can a woman ,
without good manners, aspire to be considered a lady
by ladies. Manners and morals are indissolubly al
lied, and no society can be good where they are
bad . It is the duty of American women to exercise
their influence to form so high a standard of morals
and manners that the tendency of society will be con
tinually upwards, seeking to make it the best society of
any nation .
As culture is the first requirement of good society,
80 self-improvement should be the aim of each and
all of its members. Manners will improve with the
cultivation of the mind, until the pleasure and har
mony of social intercourse are no longer marred by
the introduction of discordant elements, and they
only will be excluded from the best society whose
lack of education and whose rude manners will
totally unfit them for its enjoyments and appreciation.
Good manners are even more essential to harmony in
16 INTRODUCTORY .

society than a good education, and and may be consi

dered as valuable an acquisition as knowledge in any
form .

The principles of the Golden Rule, “ whatsoever

ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so
to them,” is the basis of all true politeness,-principles
which teach us to forget ourselves, to be kind to our
neighbors, and to be civil even to our enemies. The
appearance of so being and doing is what society de
mands as good manners, and the man or woman
trained to this mode of life is regarded as well -bred.
The people, thus trained, are easy to get along with,
for they are as quick to make an apology when they
have been at fault, as they are to accept one when it is
made. “ The noble -hearted only understand the noble
hearted . "
In a society where the majority are rude from the
thoughtfulness of ignorance, or remiss from the in
solence of bad breeding, the iron rule, “ Do unto others,
as they do unto you ,” is more often put into practice than
the golden one. The savages know nothing of the vir- 7
tues of forgiveness, and regard those who are not re
vengeful as wanting in spirit; so the ill-bred do not
understand undeserved civilities extended to promote
the general interests of society, and to carry out the
injunction of the Scriptures to strive after the things
that make for peace .
Society is divided into sets, according to their
breeding. One set may be said to have no breeding.
at all, another to have a little, another more, and
 INTRODUCTORY. 17

another enough ; and between the first and last of

these, - there are more shades than in the rainbow .
Good manners are the same in essence everywhere
at courts, in fashionable society, in literary circles, in
domestic life, -they never change, but social obser
vances, customs and points of etiquette, vary with the
age and with the people.
A French .writer has said : " To be truly polite,
it is necessary to be, at the same time, good, just, and
generous. True politeness is the outward visible sign
of those inward spiritual graces called modesty, un
selfishness and generosity. The manners of a gentle
man are the index of his soul. His speech is inno
cent, because his life is pure ; his thoughts are right,
because his actions are upright ; his bearing is gentle,
because his feelings, his impulses, and his training
are gentle also. A gentleman is entirely free ' from
every kind of pretence. He avoids homage, instead
of exacting it. Mere ceremonies have no attraction
for him. He seeks not to say any civil things, but
to do them . His hospitality, though hearty and sin
cere, will be strictly regulated by his means . His
friends will be chosen for their good qualities and
good manners ; his servants for their truthfulness and
honesty ; his occupations for their usefulness, their
gracefulness or their elevating tendencies, whether
moral, mental or politica
In the same general tone does Ruskin describe a
gentleman, when he says : “ A gentleman's first char
acteristic is that fineness of structure in the body
2
 18 INTRODUCTORY.

which renders it capable of the most delicate sensa

tion , and of that structure in the mind which renders
it capable of the most delicate sympathies - one may
say , simply, ' fineness of nature. This is, of course
compatible with heroic bodily strength and mental
firmness; in fact, heroic strength is not conceivable
! without such delicacy. Elephantine strength may
drive its way through a forest and feel no touch of
the boughs, but the white skin of Homer's Atrides
would have felt a bent rose-leaf, yet subdue its feel
ings in the glow of battle and behave itself like iron.
I do not mean to call an elephant a vulgar animal;
but if you think about him carefully, you will find
that his non -vulgarity consists in such gentleness as
is possible to elephantine nature--not in his insensi
tive hide nor in his clumsy foot, but in the way he
will lift his foot if a child lies in his way, and in his
sensitive trunk and still more sensitive mind and
capability of pique on points of honor. Hence it will
follow that one of the probable signs of high breeding
in men generally will be their kindness and merciful
ness, these always indicating more or less firmness of
make in the mind.”
Can any one fancy what our society might be, if
all its members were perfect gentlemen and true
ladies, if all the inhabitants of the earth were kind
hearted ; if, instead of contending with the faults of
our fellows we were each to wage war against our
own faults ? Everyone needs to guard constantly
against the evil from within as well as from without,
 INTRODUCTORY. 15

for as has been truly said, “ a man's greatest foe dwells

in his own heart."
A recent English writer says : “ Etiquette may be de
fined as the minor morality of life. No observances,
however minute, that tend to spare the feelings of
others, can be classed under the head of trivialties; and
politeness, which is but another name for general
amiability, will oil the creaking wheels of life more
effectually than any of those unguents supplied by
mere wealth and station . ” While the social observan
ces, customs and rules which have grown up are
numerous, and some perhaps considered trivial, they
are all grounded upon principles of kindness to one
another, and spring from the impulses of a good heart
and from friendly feelings. The truly polite man acts
from the highest and noblest ideas ofwhat is right.
Lord Chesterfield declared good breeding to be " the
result of much good sense, some good nature and a
little self-denial for the sake of others, and with a view
to obtain the same indulgence from them . ” Again he
says: " Good sense and good nature suggest civility in
general, but in good breeding there are a thousand little
delicacies which are established only by custom .”
 CHAPTER II .

Our Qanners.

O one quality of the mind and heart is more

important as an element conducive to worldly
success than civility — that feeling of kindness
and love for our fellow -beings which is ex
pressed in pleasing manners. Yet how many of our
young men , with an affected contempt for the forms
and conventionalties of life, assume to despise those
delicate attentions, that exquisite tenderness of thought
and manner, that mark the true gentleman .
MANNERS AS AN ELEMENT OF SưCCESS .

History repeats, over and over again , examples

showing that it is the bearing of a man toward his
fellow -men which, more than any other one quality of
his nature, promotes or retards his advancement in life.
The success or failure of one's plans have often
turned upon the address and manner of the man.
Though there are a few people who can look beyond
the rough husk or shell of a fellow -being to the
finer qualities hidden within , yet the vast majority,
not so keen -visaged nor tolerant, judge a person by
( 20 )
 OUR MANNERS. 21

his appearance and demeanor, more than by his sub

stantial character, Experience of everyday life
teaches us, if we would but learn, that civility is not
only one of the essentials of high success, but that it is
almost a fortune of itself, and that he who has this
quality in perfection, though a blockhead, is almost
sure to succeed where, without it, even men of good
ability fail.
A good manner is the best letter of recommendation
among strangers. Civility, refinement and gentleness ‫سي‬
are passports to hearts and homes, while awkwardness,
coarseness and gruffness, are met with locked doors and
closed hearts. Emerson says : “ Give a boy address and
and accomplishments, and you give him the mastery of
palaces and fortunes wherever he goes; he has not the
trouble of earning or owning them ; they solicit him to
enter and possess."
In every class of life, in all professions and occupa
tions, good manners are necessary to success. The
business man has no stock -in -trade that pays him
better than a good address. If the retail dealer wears
his hat on his head in the presence of ladies who
come to buy of him , if he does not see that the heavy
door of his shop is opened and closed for them , if he
seats himself in their presence, if he smokes a pipe
or cigar, or has a chew of tobacco in his mouth , while
talking with them , or is guilty of any of the small in
vicilities of life, they will not be apt to make his shop
a rendezvous, no matter how attractive the goods he
displays.
22 OUR MANNERS .

A telling preacher in his opening remarks gains

the good will of his hearers, and makes them feel both
that he has something to say, and that he can say
it, by his manner. The successful medical man in
spires in his patients belief in his sympathy, and
confidence in his skill, by his manner. The lawyer,
in pleading a case before a jury , and remembering
that the passions and prejudices of the jurymen
govern them to as great an extent as pure reason ,
must not be forgetful of his manner, if he would
bring them to his own way of thinking. And how
often does the motto , " Manners make the man ,"
govern both parties in matters of courtship, the lady
giving preference to him whose manners indicate a
true nobility of the soul, and the gentleman prefer
ring her who displays in her manner a gentleness of
spirit.
MANNER AN INDEX OF CHARACTER .

A rude person , though well meaning, is avoided

by all. Manners, in fact, are minor morals ; and a
rude person is often assumed to be a bad person .
The manner in which a person says or does a thing,
furnishes a better index of his character, than what
he does or says, for it is by the incidental expression
given to his thoughts and feelings, by his looks, tones
and gestures, rather than by his words and deeds.
that we prefer to judge him , for the reason that the
former are involuntary. The manner in which a
favor is granted or a kindness done, often affects us
 OUR MANNERS. 23

more than the deed itself. The deed may have been
prompted by vanity, pride, or some selfish motive or
interest ; the warmth or coldness with which the
person who has done it, speaks to you, or grasps your
hand , is less likely to deceive. The manner of doing
any thing, it has been truly said, is that which stamps
its life and character on any action. A favor may be
performed so grudgingly, as to prevent any feeling of
obligation, or it may be refused so courteously as to
awaken more kindly feelings than if it had been un
graciously granted.
THE TRUE GENTLEMAN .

Politeness is benevolence in small things. A true

gentleman must regard the rights and feelings of
others, even in matters the most trivial. He respects
the individuality of others, just as he wishes others
to respect his own . In society he is quiet, easy, un
obstrusive, putting on no airs, nor hinting by word or
manner that he deems himself better, or wiser, or
richer than any one about him. He never boasts of
his achievements, or fishes for compliments by affect
ing to underrate what he has done. He is distin
guished, above all things, by his deep insight and
sympathy, his quick perception of, and prompt atten
tention to those small and apparently insignificant
things, that may cause pleasure or pain to others.
In giving his opinions he does not dogmatize ; he
listens patiently and respectfully to other men, and,
if compelled to dissent from their opinions, acknow
24 OUR MANNERS.

ledges his fallibility and asserts his own views in

such a manner, as to command the respect of all
who hear him. Frankness and cordiality mark all his
intercourse with his fellows, and, however high his
station, the humblest man feels instantly at ease in his
presence. '

THE TRUE LADY .

>
Calvert says : “ Ladyhood is an emanation from
the heart subtilized by culture ;" giving as two requi
sites for the highest breeding transmitted qualities i
and the culture of good training. He continues :
" Of the higher type of ladyhood may always be said
what Steele said of Lady Elizabeth Hastings, that
unaffected freedom and conscious innocence gave her
the attendance of the graces in all her actions. At
its highest, ladyhood implies a spirituality made
manifest in poetic grace. From the lady there ex
hales a subtle magnetism . Unconsciously she en
circles herself with an atmosphere of unruffled
strength , which , to those who come into it, gives
confidence and repose. Within her influence the
diffident grow self-possessed, the impudent are
checked , the inconsiderate are admonished ; even the
rude are constrained to be mannerly, and the refined
are perfected; all spelled, unawares, by the flexible
dignity, the commanding gentleness, the thorough
womanliness of her look , speech and demeanor. A
sway is this, purely spiritual. Every sway, every
legitimate, every enduring sway is spiritual; a reg
 OUR MANNERS. 251

nancy. of light over obscurity, of right over brutality.

The only real gains ever made are spiritual gains,
a further subjection of the gross to the incorporeal, of
body to soul, of the animal to the human. The
finest and most characteristic acts of a lady involve
a spiritual ascension , a growing out of herself. In her
being and bearing, patience, generosity, benignity are
the graces that give shape to the virtues of truthful
ness ."

Here is the test of true ladyhood. Whenever the

young find themselves in the company of those who
do not make them feel at ease, they should know that :
they are not in the society of true ladies and true
gentleman, but of pretenders; that well-bred men and
women can only feel at home in the society of the
well-bred .

THE IMPORTANCE OF TRIFLES.

Some people are wont to depreciate these kind and

tender qualities as trifles; but trifles, it must be
remembered, make up the aggregate of human life.
The petty incivilities, slight rudenesses and neglects
of which men are guilty, without thought, or from
lack of foresight or sympathy, are often remembered,
while the great acts performed by the same persons
are forgotten. There is no society where smiles,
pleasant looks and animal spirits are not welcomed
and deemed of more importance than sallies of wit,
or refinements of understanding. The little civilities,
which form the small change of life may appear
 26 OUR MANNERS.

separately of little moment, but, like the spare

pennies which amount to such large fortunes in a
V life-time, they owe their importance to repetition and
accumulation .

VALUE OF PLEASING MANNERS.

The man who succeeds in any calling in life is

almost invariably he who has shown a willingness to
please and to be pleased , who has responded heartily
to the advances of others, through nature and habit,
while his rival has sniffed and frowned and snubbed
away every helping hand. “ The charming manners
of the Duke of Marlborough ," it is said, “often
changed an enemy to a friend, and to be denied a
favor by him was more pleasing than to receive one
from another. It was these personal graces that
made him both rich and great. His address was so
exquisitely fascinating as to dissolve fierce jealousies
and animosities, lull suspicion and beguile the sub
tlest diplomacy of its arts. His fascinating smile and
winning tongue, equally with his sharp sword, swayed
the destinies of empires." The gracious manners of
Charles James Fox preserved him from personal
dislike, even when he had gambled away his last
shilling, and politically was the most unpopular man
in England.
MANNERS AND PERSONAL APPEARANCE.
A charming manner not only enhances personal
beauty, but even hides ugliness and makes plainness
 27
OUR MANNERS.

agreeable. An ill- favored countenance is not neces

sarily a stumbling-block, at the outset, to its owner,
which cannot be surmounted, for who does not know
how much a happy manner often does to neutralize
the ill effects of forbidding looks ? The fascination of
the demagogue Wilkes's manner triumphed over both
physical and moral deformity , rendering even his
ugliness agreeable; and he boasted to Lord Townsend,
one of the handsomest men in Great Britain, that
“ with half an hour's start he would get ahead of his
lordship in the affections of any woman in the king
dom .” The ugliest Frenchman, perhaps, that ever
lived was Mirabeau ; yet such was the witchery of
his manner, that the belt of no gay Lothario was
hung with a greater number of bleeding female hearts
than this “ thunderer of the tribune," whose looks were
so hideous that he was compared to a tiger pitted with
the small-pox.
FORTUNES MADE BY PLEASING MANNERS.

Pleasing manners have made the fortunes of men

in all professions and in every walk of life,-of
lawyers, doctors, clergymen , merchants, clerks and
mechanics, -and instances of this are so numerous
that they may be recalled by almost any person.
The politician who has the advantage of a courteous,
graceful and pleasing manner finds himself an easy
winner in the race with rival candidates, for every
voter with whom he speaks becomes instantly his
friend . Çivility is to a man what beauty is to
28 OUR MANNERS.

a woman , It creates an instantaneous impression

in his behalf, while gruffness or coarseness excites
as quick a prejudice against him . It is an orna
ment, worth more as a means of winning favor than
the finest clothes and jewels ever worn . Lord Chester
field said the art of pleasing is, in truth, the art of
rising, of distinguishing one's self, of making a figure
and a fortune in the world. Some years ago a dry
goods salesman in a London shop had acquired such a
reputation for courtesy and exhaustless patience, that
it was said to be impossible to provoke from him any
expression of irritability, or the smallest symptom
of vexation . A lady of rank learning of his won
derful equanimity, determined to put it to the test by
all the annoyances with which a veteran shop -visitor
knows how to tease a shopman . She failed in her
attempt to vex or irritate him , and thereupon set him
up in business. He rose to eminence in trade, and the
main spring of his later, as of his earlier career was
politeness. Hundreds of men , like this salesman , have
owed their start in life wholly to their pleasing address
and manners.

CULTIVATION OF Good MANNERS.

The cultivation of pleasing, affable manners should

de an important part of the education of every per
son of whatever calling or station in life. Many
people think that if they have only the substance,
the form is of little consequence. But manners are a
compound of spirit and form - spirit acted into form .
 OUR MANNERS. 29

The first law of good manners , which epitomizo . all

the rest is, “ thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”
True courtesy is simply the application of this golden
rule to all our social conduct, or as it has been
happily defined " real kindness, kindly expressed."
It may be met in the hut of the Arab, in the court
yard of the Turk, in the hovel of the freedman, and
the cottage of the Irishman . Even Christian men
sometimes fail in courtesy , deeming it a mark of
weakness, or neglecting it from mere thoughtlessness.
Yet when we find this added to the other virtues of
the Christian, it will be noted that his influence for
good upon others has been powerfully increased, for
it was by this that he obtained access to the hearts
of others. An old English writer said reverently of
our Saviour: “ He was the first true gentleman that
ever lived . " The influence of many good men would
be more than doubled if they could manage to be
less stiff and more elastic. Gentleness in society, it
has been truly said, "is like the silent influence of
light which gives color to all nature ; it is far more
powerful than loudness or force, and far more fruitful.
It pushes its way silently and persistently like the tiniest
daffodil in spring, which raises the clod and thrusts it
aside by the simple persistence of growing."
POLITENESS.

Politeness is kindness of manner. This is the out

growth of kindness of heart, of nobleness, and of cour
age. But in some persons we find an abundance of
30 OUR MANNERS.

courage, nobleness and kindness of heart, without

kindness of manner, and we can only think and speak
of them as not only impolite, but even rude and gruff.
Such a man was Dr. Johnson, whose rudeness secured
for him the nickname of Ursa Major, and of whom
Goldsmith truthfully remarked : “ No man alive has
a more tender heart, he has nothing of the bear about
him but his skin . " To acquire that ease and grace
of manners which is possessed by and which dis
tinguishes every well-bred person, one must think of
others rather than of himself, and study to please them
even at his own inconvenience. “ Do unto others as
you would that others should do unto you ,” — the
golden rule of lifc - is also the law of politeness, and
such politeness implies self-sacrifice, many struggles
and conflicts. It is an art and tact, rather than an in
stinct and inspiration. An eminent divine has said :
“ A noble and attractive every - day bearing comes of
goodness, of sincerity, of refinement. And these are
bred in years, not moments. The principle that rules
our life is the sure posture-master. Sir Philip Sidney
was the pattern to all England of a perfect gentle
man ; but then he was the hero that, on the field of
Zutphen, pushed away the cup of cold water from his
own fevered and parched lips, and held it out to the
dying soldier at his side." A Christian by the very
conditions of his creed, and the obligations of his
faith is , of necessity, in mind and soul - and therefore
in word and act - a gentleman, but a man may be
polite without being a Christian .
 CHAPTER III.

Introductions.
N acquaintanceship or friendship usually be
gins by means of introductions, though it is
by no means uncommon that when it has
taken place under other circumstances - with
out introduction — it has been a great advantage to
both parties; nor can it be said that it is improper
to begin an acquaintance in this way. The formal in
troduction has been called the highway to the begin
ning of friendship, and the " scraped ” acquaintance
the by -path .
PROMISCUOUS INTRODUCTION .

There is a large class of people who introduce friends

and acquaintances to everybody they meet, whether
at home or abroad, while walking or riding out. Such
promiscuous introductions are neither necessary, de
sirable, nor at all times agreeable.
AN INTRODUCTION A SOCIAL ENDORSEMENT.
It is to be remembered that an introduction is
regarded as a social endorsement of the person intro
(31)
32 INTRODUCTIONS.

duced , and that , under certain circumstances, it would

be wrong to introduce to our friends casual acquain
tances, of whom we know nothing, and who may after
wards prove to be anything but desirable persons to
know . Care should be taken, therefore, in introducing
two individuals, that the introduction be mutually
agreeable. Whenever it is practicable, it is best to settle
the point by inquiring beforehand. When this is inex
pedient from any cause, a thorough acquaintance with
both parties will warrant the introducer to judge of the
point for him or herself.

UNIVERSAL INTRODUCTIONS.
While the habit of universal introductions is a
bad one, there are many men in cities and villages
who are not at all particular whom they introduce to
each other. As a general rule, a man should be as
careful about the character of the person he intro
duces to his friends, as he is of him whose notes he
would endorse .

THE INTRODUCTION OF A GENTLEMAN TO A LADY.

A gentleman should not be introduced to a lady,
unless her permission has been previously obtained ,
and no one should ever be introduced into the house
of a friend, except permission is first granted. Such
introductions, however, are frequent, but they are im
.proper, for a person cannot know that an introduction
of this kind will be agreeable. If a person asks
 INTRODUCTIONS. 33

you to introduce him to another, or a gentleman asks

to be introduced to a lady, and you find the introduc
tion would not be agreeable to the other party, you may
decline on the ground that you are not sufficiently in
timate to take that liberty.
When a gentleman is introduced to a lady, both
bow slightly, and the gentleman opens conversation.
It is the place of the one who is introduced to make the
first remark .

INFORMAL INTRODUCTION.

It is not strictly necessary that acquaintanceship

should wait a formal introduction . Persons meeting
at the house of a common friend may consider that
fact a sufficient warrant for the preliminaries of ac
quaintanceship, if there appears to be a mutual in
clination toward such acquaintanceship. The presence
of a person in a friend's house, is a sufficient guaranty
for his or her respectability. Gentlemen and ladies
may form acquaintances in traveling, on a steamboat,
in a railway car, or a stage-coach , without the for
mality of an introduction . Such acquaintanceship
should be conducted with a certain amount of re
serve, and need not be prolonged beyond the time
of casual meeting. The slightest approach to disre
spect or familiarity should be checked by dignified
silence. A young lady, however, is not accorded the
same privilege of forming acquaintances, as is a mar
ried or elderly lady, and should be careful about
doing so. 3
34 INTRODUCTIONS .

INTRODUCTIONS AT A BALL.

It is the part of the host and hostess at a ball to

introduce their guests, though guests may, with per
fect propriety, introduce each other, or, as already in
timated, may converse with one another without the
ceremony of a formal introduction . A gentleman, be
fore introducing his friends to ladies, should obtain
permission of the latter to do so, unless he is perfect
ly sure, from his knowledge of the ladies, that the
introductions will be agreeable. The ladies should
always grant such permission, unless there is a strong
reason for refusing. The French, and to some extent
the English, dispense with introductions at a private
ball. The fact that they have been invited to meet
each other is regarded as a guaranty that they are
fit to be mutually acquainted, and is a sufficient war
rant for self -introduction. At a public ball partners
must be introduced to each other. Special introduc
ing may be made with propriety by the master of
ceremonies. At public balls it is well for ladies to
dance only, or for the most part, with gentlemen of
their own party, or those with whom they have had a
previous acquaintance.
THE MANNER OF INTRODUCTION .

The proper form of introduction is to present the

gentleman to the lady, the younger to the older, the
inferior in social standing to the superior. In intro
ducing, you bow to the lady and say, “ Miss C., allow
 INTRODUCTIONS. 35

me to introduce to you Mr. D. Mr. D. , Miss C.” It

is the duty of Mr. D. upon bowing to say, “ It gives
me great pleasure to form your acquaintance, Miss
C.," or a remark of this nature .
If gentlemen are to be introduced to one another,
the form is, “ Col. Blank, permit me to introduce to
you Mr. Cole . Mr. Cole, Col. Blank . ” The exact
words of an introduction are immaterial, so long as
the proper form and order is preserved .
The word “ present” is often used in place of “ in
troduce ." While it is customary to repeat the names
of the two parties introduced at the close of the in
troduction, it is often omitted as a useless formality.
It is of the utmost importance that each name should
be spoken distinctly. If either of the parties does not
distinctly hear the name of the other he should say
at once, without hesitation or embarrassment, before
making the bow , “ I beg your pardon ; I did not
catch ( or understand ) the name," when it may be
repeated to him .
If several persons are to be introduced to one in
dividual, mention the name of the single individual
first, and then call the others in succession , bowing
slightly as each name is pronounced.
It is the part of true politeness, after introductions,
to explain to each person introduced something of the
business or residence of each , as they will assist in
opening conversation . Or, if one party has recently
returned from a foreign trip, it is courteous to say so.
36 INTRODUCTIONS
Casual INTRODUCTIONS.
While it is not necessary to introduce people who
chance to meet in your house during a morning call;
yet, if there is no reason for supposing that such an
introduction will be objectionable to either party, it
seems better to give it, as it sets both parties at case
in conversation . Acquaintanceship may or may not
follow such an introduction, at the option of the
parties. People who meet at the house of a mutual
friend need not recognize each other as acquaintances
if they meet again elsewhere, unless they choose to
do so .

INTRODUCING RELATIVES.
In introducing members of your own family, be
careful not only to specify the degree of relationship,
but to give the name also. It is awkward to a stranger
to be introduced to “ My brother Tom ," or " My
sister Carrie.” When either the introducer or the
introduced is a married lady , the name of the party
introduced can only be guessed at.
BESTOWING OF TITLES.

In introducing a person give him his appropriate

title. If he is a clergyman , say “ The Rev. Mr.
Clark .” If a doctor of divinity, say " The Rev. Dr.
Clark." If he is a member of Congress, call him
" Honorable," and specify to which branch of Con
gress he belongs. If he is governor of a State, men
 INTRODUCTIONS . 37

tion what State. If he is a man of any celebrity in

the world of art or letters, it is well to mention the
fact something after this manner : “ Mr. Fish , the
artist, whose pictures you have frequently seen ,' or
"Mr. Hart, author of ' Our Future State, ” which you
so greatly admired .”
OBLIGATORY INTRODUCTIONS.

* A friend visiting at your house must be introduced

to all callers, and courtesy requires the latter to cul
tivate the acquaintance while your visitor remains
with you . If you are the caller introduced, you
must show the same attention to the friend of your
friend that you wish shown your own friends under
the same circumstances. Persons meeting at public
places need not introduce each other to the strangers
who may chance to be with them ; and, even if the in
troduction does take place, the acquaintance need not
be continued unless desired.

THE OBLIGATION OF AN INTRODUCTION.

Two persons who have been properly introduced

have in future certain claims upon one another's ac
quaintance. which should be recognized, unless there
are sufficient reasons for overlooking them . Even in
that case good manners require the formal bow of
recognition upon meeting, which, of itself, encourages
no familiarity. Only a very ill -bred person will meet
another with a stare .
38 INTRODUCTIONS .

THE SALUTATION AFTER INTRODUCTION .

A slight bow is all that is required by courtesy,

after an introduction . Shaking hands is optional,
and it should rest with the older, or the superior in
social standing to make the advances. It is often an
act of kindness on their part, and as such to be com
mended. It is a common practice among gentlemen ,
when introduced to one another, to shake hands,
and, as it evinces more cordiality than a mere boy,
is generally to be preferred. An unmarried lady
should not shake hands with gentlemen indiscrimin
ately.
THE FIRST TO RECOGNIZE .

It is the privilege of the lady to determine whether

she will recognize a gentleman after an introduction,
and he is bound to return the bow. In bowing to a
lady on the street, it is not enough that a gentleman
should touch his hat, he should lift it from his head.
THE “CUT DIRECT. "

The " cut direct,” which is given by a prolonged

stare at a person , if justified at all, can only be in
case of extraordinary and notoriously bad conduct on
the part of the individual " cut," and is very seldom
called for. If any one wishes to avoid a bowing ac
quaintance with another, it can be done by looking
aside or dropping the eyes. It is an invariable rule
of good society, that a gentleman cannot " cut” a
lady under any circumstances, but circumstances may
 INTRODUCTIONS. 39

arise when he may be excused for persisting in not

meeting her eyes, for if their eyes meet, he must bow .
MEETING IN THE STREET.

If, while walking with one friend, in the street, you

meet another and stop a moment to speak with the lat
ter, it is not necessary to introduce the two who are
strangers to one another ; but, when you separate, the
friend who accompanies you gives a parting salutation ,
the same as yourself. The same rule applies if the
friend you meet chances to be a lady.
INTRODUCING YOURSELF.

If, on entering a drawing -room to pay a visit, you

are not recognized , mention your name immediately.
If you know but one member of the family and you
find others only in the room , introduce yourself to
them. Unless this is done, much awkwardness may
be occasioned .
ABOUT SHAKING HANDS.

When a lady is introduced to a gentleman, she

should merely bow but not give her hand, unless the
gentleman is a well known friend of some member of
the family. In that case she may do so if she pleases,
as a mark of esteem or respect. A gentleman must
not offer to shake hands with a lady until she has made
the first movement.
A married lady should extend her hand upon being
introduced to a stranger brought to her house by
40 INTRODUCTIONS.

her husband, or by a common friend, as an evidence

of her cordial welcome.
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.

Friendly letters of introduction should only be

given to personal friends, introducing them , and only
addressed to those with whom the writer has a strong
personal friendship. It is not only foolish , but posi
tively dangerous to give such a letter to a person
with whom the writer is but slightly acquainted, as
you may thus give your countenance and endorse
ment to a person who will take advantage of your
carelessness to bring you into embarrassing and mor
tifying positions. Again, you should never address a
letter of introduction to any but an intimate friend of
long standing, and even then it should not be done,
unless you are perfectly satisfied that the person you
are to introduce will be an agreeable and congenial
person for your friend to meet, as it would be very an
noying to send to your friend a visitor who would prove
to him disagreeable. Even amongst friends of long
standing such letters should be given very cautiously
and sparingly .
The form of letters of introduction is given in the
chapter on " Letter-writing."

DELIVERING A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION.

It is not necessary to deliver a friendly letter of

introduction to a person who resides in another town .
 INTRODUCTIONS. 41

It is better to send it to the person to whom it is

directed, on your arrival, accompanied by your card
of address. If he wishes to comply with the request
of his friend he will call upon you, and give you an
invitation to visit him ; circumstances, however, might
render it exceedingly inconvenient, or impossible for
the person to whom the letter is addressed , to
call upon you ; consequently a neglect to call need
not be considered a mark of ill-breeding, though by
some people it is so considered . The person ad
dressed must consult his own feelings in the matter,
and while aiming to do what is right, he is not
bound to sacrifice business or other important mat
ters to attend to the entertainment of a friend's friend.
In such a case he may send his own card to the
address of the person bearing the letter of intro
duction, and the latter is at liberty to call upon him at
his leisure.

THE DUTY OF THE PERSON ADDRESSED .

In Europe it is the custom for a person with a letter

of introduction to make the first call, but in this coun
try we think that a stranger should never be made to
feel that he is begging our attention, and that it is in
delicate for him to intrude until he is positive that his
company would be agreeable. Consequently, if it is
your wish and in your power to welcome any one
recommended to you by letter from a friend , or to
show your regard for your friend's friend, you must
call upon him with all possible dispatch, after you re
42 INTRODUCTIONS.

ceive his letter of introduction, and give him as hos

pitable a reception and entertainment as it is possible
to give, and such as you would be pleased to receive
were you in his place.
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION FOR BUSINESS PURPOSES.
Letters of introduction to and from business men
may be delivered by the bearers in person , and eti
quette does not require the receiver to entertain the
person introduced as a friend of the writer. It is en
tirely optional with the person to whom the latter is
introduced how he welcomes him , or whether he entei
tains him or not, though his courtesy would be apt to
suggest that some kind attentions should be paid him .
--
 CHAPTER IV.

Salutations.

CARnotLYinLEtheirsaysorigin
: “ What we call “ formulas ' are
bad ; they are indisputably
good. Formula is method , habitude; found
wherever man is found. Formulas fashion
themselves as paths do, as beaten highways leading
toward some sacred , high object, whither many men
are bent. Consider it : One man full of heartfelt,
earnest impulse finds out a way of doing something
were it uttering his soul's reverence for the Highest,
were' it but of fitly saluting his fellow -man. An inventor
was needed to do that, a poet; he has articulated the
dim, struggling thought that dwelt in his own and
many hearts. This is his way of doing that. These
are his footsteps, the beginning of a “ path .' And now
see the second man travels naturally in the footsteps
of his foregoer; it is the easiest method . In the foot
steps of his foregoer, yet with his improvements, with
changes where such seem good ; at all events with
enlargements, the path ever widening itself as more
travel it, till at last there is a broad highway, whereon
the whole world may travel and drive.”
(43)
44 SALUTATIONS.

SALUTATION ORIGINALLY AN ACT OF WORSHIP.

A lady writer of distinction says of salutations:

“ It would seem that good manners were originally
the expression of submission from the weaker to the
stronger. In a rude state of society every salutation
is to this day an act of worship. Hence the common
est acts, phrases and signs of courtesy with which we
are now familiar, date from those earlier stages when
the strong hand ruled and the inferior demonstrated
his allegiance by studied servility. Let us take, for
example, the words ‘ sir ' and ' madam .' ' Sir ' is de
rived from seigneur, sieur, and originally meant lord,
king, ruler and, in its patriarchal sense, father. The
title of sire was last borne by some of the ancient
feudal families of France, who, as Selden has said ,
'affected rather to be styled by the name of sire than
baron, as Le Sire de Montmorenci and the like. '
' Madam ' or ' madame, ' corrupted by servants into
'ma'am ,' and by Mrs. Gamp and her tribe into ' mum, ' is
in substance equivalent to your exalted ,' or ' your high
ness, ' madame originally meaning high -born, or stately,
and being applied only to ladies of the highest rank .
“ To turn to our every -day forms of salutation .
We take off our hats on visiting an acquaintance.
We bow on being introduced to strangers. We rise
when visitors enter our drawing-room . We wave our
hand to our friend as he passes the window or drives
away from our door. The Oriental, in like manner ,
leaves his shoes on the threshold when he pays a
 SALUTATIONS. 45

visit. The natives of the Tonga Islands kiss the soles

of a chieftain's feet. The Siberian peasant grovels in
the dust before a Russian noble. Each of these acts
has a primary, an historical significance. The very
word ‘ salutation ,' in the first place, derived as it is
from salutatio, the daily homage paid by a Roman
client to his patron , suggests in itself a history of
manners .
“ To bare the head was originally an act of sub
mission to gods and rulers. A bow is a modified
prostration. A lady's courtesy is a modified genuflec
tion . Rising and standing are acts of homage; and
when we wave our hand to a friend on the opposite
side of the street, we are unconsciously imitating the
Romans, who as Selden tells us, used to stand ‘some
what off before the images of their gods, solemnly
moving the right hand to the lips and casting it, as
if they had cast kisses . Again , men remove the
glove when they shake hands with a lady -- a custom
evidently of feudal origin. The knight removed his
iron gauntlet, the pressure of which would have been
all too harsh for the palm of a fair chatelaine; and the
custom , which began in necessity, has traveled down
to us as a point of etiquette."
SALUTATIONS OF DIFFERENT NATIONS.

Each nation has its own method of salutation . In

Southern Africa it is the custom to rub toes. In
Lapland your friend rubs his nose against yours. The
Turk folds his arms upon his breast and bends his
46 SALI'TATIONS.

head very low . The Moors of Morocco have a some

what startling mode of salutation . They ride at a
gallop toward a stranger, as though they would un
horse him, and when close at hand suddenly check
their horse and fire a pistol over the person's head.
The Egyptian solicitously asks you, " How do you per
spire ?" and lets his hand fall to the knee. The Chinese
bows low and inquires, " Have you eaten ? The Span
iard says, " God be with you, sir," or, “ How do you
stand ?” And the Neapolitan piously remarks, "Grow
in holiness ." The German asks, " How goes it with
you ?” The Frenchman bows profoundly and inquires,
" How do you carry yourself.”
Foreigners are given to embracing. In France and
Germany the parent kisses his grown- up son on the
forehead, men throw their arms around the necks of
their friends, and brothers embrace like lovers. It is
a curious sight to Americans, with their natural pre
judices against publicity in kissing.
In England and America there are three modes of
salutation - the bow , the hand -shaking and the kiss.
THE Bow .

It is said : “ A bow is a note drawn at sight.

You are bound to acknowledge it immediately, and
to the full amount." It should be respectful, cordial,
civil or familiar, according to circumstances. Between
gentlemen, an inclination of the head, a gesture of
the hand, or the mere touching of the hat is suffici
ent; but in bowing to a lady, the hat must be lifted
 SALUTATIONS. 47

from the head. If you know people slightly, you re

cognize them slightly; if you know them well, you
bow with more familiarity. The body is not bent at all
in bowing; the inclination of the head is all that is
necessary.
If the gentleman is smoking, he withdraws his cigar
from his mouth before lifting his hat to a lady, or if
he should happen to have his hand in his pocket he
removes it.
At the moment of the first meeting of the eyes of an
acquaintance you bow . Any one who has been intro
duced to you , or any one to whom you have been
introduced, is entitled to this mark of respect.
The bow is the touchstone of good breeding, and to
neglect it, even to one with whom you may have a
trifling difference, shows deficiency in cultivation and in
the instincts of refinement. A bow does not entail
a calling acquaintance. Its entire neglect reveals the
character and training of the person ; the manner of its
observance reveals the very shades of breeding that
exist between the ill-bred and the well- bred .

RETURNING A Bow .
A gentleman walking with a lady returns a bow made
to her, whether by a lady or gentleman ( lifting his hat
not too far from his head ), although the one bowing is
an entire stranger to him .
It is civility to return a bow , although you do not
know the one who is bowing to you. Either the one
who bows, knows you, or has mistaken you for some
48 SALUTATIONS .

one else. In either case you should return the bow ,

and probably the mistake will be discovered to have
occurred for want of quick recognition on your
own part, or from some resemblance that you bear to
another.

THE MANNER OF BOWING.

The manner in which the salutation of recognition

is made, may be regarded as an unerring test of the
breeding, training, or culture of a person . It should
be prompt as soon as the eyes meet, whether on
the street or in a room. The intercourse need go no
further, but that bow must be made. There are but
few laws which have better reasons for their obser
vance than this. This rule holds good under all cir
cumstances, whether within doors or without. Those
who abstain from bowing at one time, and bow at an
other, should not be surprised to find that the person
whom they have neglected, has avoided the continua
tion of their acquaintance.
DUTIES OF YOUNG TO OLDER PEOPLE.

Having once had an introduction that entitles to

recognition, it is the duty of the person to recall
himself or herself to the recollection of the older
person, if there is much difference in age, by bowing
each time of meeting, until the recognition becomes
mutual. As persons advance in life, they look for
these attentions upon the part of the young. Persons
who have large circles of acquaintance, often confuse
 SALUTATIONS. 49

the faces of the young whom they know with the

familiar faces which they meet and do not know,
and from frequent errors of this kind, they get into
the habit of waiting to catch some look or gesture of
recognition.
How To Avoid RECOGNITION .

If a person desires to avoid a bowing acquaintance

with a person who has been properly introduced, he
may do so by looking aside, or dropping the eyes as
the person approaches, for, if the eyes meet, there is no
alternative, bow he must.
ON PUBLIC PROMENADES.

Bowing once to a person upon a public promenade

or drive is all that civility requires. If the person is a
friend, it is in better form , the second and subsequent
passings, should you catch his or her eye, to smile
slightly instead of bowing repeatedly. If an acqaint
ance, it is best to avert the eyes.
A SMILING Bow '.

A bow should never be accompanied by a broad

smile, even when you are well acquainted, and yet a
high authority well says : “ You should never speak to
an acquaintance without a smile in your eyes.
DEFERENCE TO ELDERLY PEOPLE .

A young lady should show the same deference to

an elderly lady 4that a gentleman does to a lady. It
50 SALUTATIONS .

may also be said that a young man should show proper

deference to elderly gentlemen .
WORDS OF SALUTATION .

The words commonly used in saluting a person

are “ Good Morning,” “ Good Afternoon ,” “ Good Even
ing ," " How do you do " (sometimes contracted into
“ Howdy ” and “ How dye do ," ) and “ How are you."
The three former are most appropriate, as it seems some
what absurd to ask after a person's health , unless you
stop to receive an answer. A respectful bow should
accompany the words.
SHAKING HANDS.

Among friends the shaking of the hand is the

most genuine and cordial expression of good -will. It
is not necessary, though in certain cases it is not for
bidden , upon introduction ; but when acquaintance
ship has reached any degree of intimacy, it is perfectly
proper.
ETIQUETTE OF HANDSHAKING .
An authority upon this subject says : “The eti
quette of handshaking is simple. A man has no right
to take a lady's hand until it is offered . He has
even less right to pinch or retain it. Two ladies
shake hands gently and softly. A young lady gives
her hand, but does not shake a gentleman's unless
she is his friend. A lady should always rise to give
her hand ; a gentleman , of course, never dares to do so
seated . On introduction in a room , a married lady
 SALUTATIONS. 51

generally offers her hand ; a young lady, not. In a

ballroom, where the introduction is to dancing, not to
friendship , you never shake hands; and as a general
rule, an introduction is not followed by shaking hands,
only by a bow . It may perhaps be laid down that the
more public the place of introduction, the less hand
shaking takes place. But if the introduction be particu
lar, if it be accompanied by personal recommendation,
such as, ' I want you to know my friend Jones,' or if
Jones comes with a letter of presentation, then you
give Jones your hand, and warmly, too . Lastly, it is
the privilege of a superior to offer or withhold his or
her hand, so that an inferior should never put his for
ward first. "
When a lady so far puts aside her reserve as to shake
hands at all, she should give her hand with frankness
and cordiality. There should be equal frankness and
cordiality on the gentleman's part, and even more
warmth , though a careful avoidance of anything like
offensive familiarity or that which might be mistaken
as such .
In shaking hands, the right hand should always be
offered , unless it be so engaged as to make it impossi
ble, and then an excuse should be offered. The French
give the left hand, as nearest the heart.
The mistress of a household should offer her hand to
every guest invited to her house .
A gentleman must not shake hands with a lady until
she has made the first move in that direction. It is a
mark of rudeness not to give his hand instantly, should
52 SALUTATIONS.
she extend her own . A married lady should always
extend her hand to a stranger brought to her house by
a common friend, as an evidence of her cordial wel
come. Where an introduction is for dancing, there is
no shaking of hands.
The Kiss.

This is the most affectionate form of salutation, and

is only proper among near relations and dear friends.
THE KISS OF FRIENDSHIP.

The kiss of friendship and relationship is on the

cheeks and forehead. In this country this act of affec
tion is generally excluded from public eyes, and in the
case of parents and children and near relations, it is
perhaps unnecessarily so.
KISSING IN PUBLIC.

The custom which has become quite prevalent of

women kissing each other whenever they meet in pub
lic, is regarded as vulgar, and by ladies of delicacy and
refinement is entirely avoided.
The Kiss OF RESPECT.

The kiss of respect - almost obsolete in this coun

try — is made on the hand . The custom is retained in
Germany and among gentleman of the most courtly
manners in England.
 CHAPTER V.

Etiquette of Calls.
ERE
THERE are calls of ceremony, of condolence,
of congratulation and of friendship. All but
the latter are usually of short duration. The
call of friendship is usually of less formality
and may be of some length.
MORNING CALLS.

“ Morning calls," as they are termed , should not be

made earlier than 12 m ., nor later than 5 P. M.
A morning call should not exceed half an hour in
length. From ten to twenty minutes is ordinarily quite
long enough. If other visitors come in, the visit should
terminate as speedily as possible. Upon leaving, bow
slightly to the strangers.
In making a call be careful to avoid the lunch
eon and dinner hour of your friends. From two until
five is ordinarily the most convenient time for morning
calls.
EVENING CALLS.
It is sometimes more convenient for both the caller
and those called upon that the call should be made in
( 53 )
 ETIQUETTE ON CALLS .

the evening. An evening call should never be made

later than nine o'clock , nor be prolonged after ten ,
neither should it exceed an hour in length .
RULES FOR FORMAL CALLS.

The lady of the house rises upon the entrance of her

visitors, who at once advance to pay their respects to
her before speaking to others. If too many callers are
present to enable her to take the lead in conversation,
she pays special attention to the latest arrivals, watch
ing to see that no one is left alone, and talking to each
of her guests in succession , or seeing that some one is
doing so .
A lady who is not in her own house does not
rise, either on the arrival or departure of ladies,
unless there is some great difference of age. Atten
tion to the aged is one of the marks of good-breed
ing which is never neglected by the thoughtful and
refined .
It is not customary to introduce residents of the
same city, unless the hostess knows that an introdue
tion will be agreeable to both parties. Strangers in
the place are always introduced.
Ladies and gentlemen who meet in the drawing
room of a common friend, are privileged to speak to
each other without an introduction ; though gentle
men generally prefer to ask for introductions When
introduced to any one, bow slightly, and enter at once
into conversation. It shows a lack of good breeding
not to do so.
 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 55

When introductions are given , it is the gentleman

who should be presented to the lady ; when two ladies
are introduced it is the younger who is presented to
the older.
A lady receiving gives her hand to a stranger as to a
friend , when she wishes to bestow some mark of
cordiality in welcoming a guest to her home, but a gen
tleman should not take the initiatory in handshaking.
It is the lady's privilege to give or withhold as she
chooses.
A gentleman rises, when those ladies with whom
he is talking rise to take their leave. He also rises
upon the entrance of ladies, but he does not offer
seats to those entering, unless in his own house, or
unless requested to do so by the hostess, and then
he does not offer his own chair if others are availa
ble.
A call should not be less than fifteen minutes in
duration, nor should it be so long as to become
tedious.A bore is a person who does not know
when you have had enough of his or her company,
and gives more of it than is desirable. Choose a
time to leave when there is a lull in the conversa
tion, and the hostess is not occupied with fresh
arrivals. Then take leave of your hostess, bowing to
those you know as you leave the room , not to each
in turn, but let one bow include all.
Calls ought to be made within three days after a
dinner or tea party, if it is a first invitation ; and
if ont within a week. After a party or a ball, whether
 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS.
you have accepted the invitation or not , you call
within a week .
A lady who has no regular reception day, will
endeavor to receive callers at any time. If she is
occupied , she will instruct her servant to say that she
is engaged ; but a visitor once admitted into the house
must be seen at any inconvenience.
A lady should never keep a caller waiting without
sending to see whether a delay of a few minutes will
inconvenience the caller. Servants should be instructed
to return and announce to the person waiting, that
immediately. Any delay
wn immediately.
the lady will be down
whatever should be apologized for.
If, on making a call, you are introduced into a
room where you are unknown to those assembled, at
once give your name and mention upon whom your
call is made.
In meeting a lady or gentleman whose name you
cannot recall, frankly say so, if you find it necessary.
Sensible persons will prefer to recall themselves to
your memory rather than to feel that you are talking
to them without fully recognizing them . To affect not
to remember a person is despicable, and reflects only
on the pretender.
Gentlemen , as well as ladies, when making formal
calls, send in but one card , no matter how many
members of the family they may wish to see. If a
guest is stopping at the house, the same rule is ob
served . If not at home, one card is left for the lady,
and one for the guest. The card for the lady may
be folded so as to include the family.
 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 57

RULES FOR SUMMER RESORTS.

At places of summer resort, those who own their

cottages, call first upon those who rent them , and
those who rent, in turn, call upon each other, ac
cording to priority of arrival. In all these cases there
are exceptions; as, where there is any great difference
in ages, the younger then calling upon the older, if
there has been a previous acquaintance or exchange
of calls. If there has been no previous acquaintance
or exchange of calls, the older lady pays the first call,
unless she takes the initiative by inviting the younger
to call upon her, or by sending her an invitation to
some entertainment, which she is about to give.
When the occupants of two villas, who have arrived
the same season , meet at the house of a common
friend, and the older of the two uses her privilege of
inviting the other to call, it would be a positive rude
ness not to call ; and the sooner the call is made, the
more civil will it be considered. It is equally rude,
when one lady asks permission of another to bring a
friend to call, and then neglects to do it, after per
mission has been given. If the acquaintance is not
desired , the first call can be the last.
CALLS MADE BY CARDS,

Only calls of pure ceremony - such as are made

previous to an entertainment on those persons who
are not to be invited, and to whom you are indebted
for any attentions — are made by handing in cards;
58 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS.

nor can a call in person be returned by cards. Ex

ceptions to this rule comprise P. P. C. calls, cards left
or sent by persons in mourning, and those which an
nounce a lady's day for receiving calls, on her return
to town, after an absence.
RECEPTION DAYS.

Some ladies receive only on certain days or even

ings, which are once a week, once a fortnight, or once
a month as the case may be, and the time is duly
announced by cards. When a lady has made this
rule it is considerate, on the part of her friends, to
observe it, for it is sometimes regarded as an intrusion
to call at any other time. The reason of her having
made this rule may have been to prevent the loss
of too much time from her duties, in the receiving of
calls from her friends.
CALLS AFTER BETROTHAL .
When a betrothal takes place and it is formally
announced to the relatives and friends on both sides,
calls of congratulation follow . The bridegroom that
is to be, is introduced by the family of the proposed
bride to their connections and most intimate friends,
and his family in return introduce her to relatives
and acquaintances whom they desire her to know .
The simplest way of bringing this about is by the
parents leaving the cards of the betrothed , with their
own, upon all families on their visiting list whom they
wish to have the betrothed pair visit .
 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS . 59

THE CARDS AND CALLS OF STRANGERS.

Strangers arriving are expected to send their cards

to their acquaintances, bearing their direction, as an
announcement that they are in the city. This rule is
often neglected, but, unless it is observed, strangers
may be a long time in town without their presence
being known .
RETURNING A FIRST CALL .

A first call ought to be returned within three or

four days. A longer delay than a week is considered
an intimation that you are unwilling to accept the
new acquaintance, unless some excuse for the remiss
ness is made .
FORMING ACQUAINTANCE .

In an event of exchange of calls between two

ladies, without meeting, who are known to each other
only by sight, they should upon the first opportunity,
make themselves acquainted with one another. The
younger should seek the older, or the one who has
been the recipient of the first attention should intro
duce herself, or seek an introduction, but it is not neces
sary to stand upon ceremony on such points. Ladies
knowing each other by sight, bow , after an exchange
of cards.
THE FIRST CALL .

When it becomes a question as to who shall

call first, between old residents, the older should take
60 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS.
the initiatory . Ladies, who have been in the habit of
meeting for sometime without exchanging calls, some
times say to each other: “ I hope you will come and
see me,” and often the answer is made: “ Oh , you
must come and see me first ?” That answer could
only be given, with propriety, by a lady who is much
the older of the two. The lady who extends the in
vitation makes the first advance, and the one who
receives it should at least say : " I thank you ,-you
are very kind," and then accept the invitation or not,
as it pleases her. It is the custom for residents to
make the first call upon strangers.
CALLS OF CONGRATULATION.

Calls of congratulation are made when any happy

or auspicious event may have occured in the family
visited - such as a birth , marriage, or any piece of
good fortune. Such visits may be made either similar
to the morning or the evening call. Such visits may
also be made upon the appointment of friends to any
important office or honored position, or when a friend
has distinguished himself by a notable public address
or oration .
P. P. C. CALLS.

When persons are going abroad to be absent for a

considerable period, if they have not time or inclina
tion to take leave of all their friends by making
formal calls, they will send to each of their friends a
card with the letters P. P. C. written upon it. They
 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 61

are the initials of " Pour Prendre Conge ," — to take

leave , -and may with propriety stand for “ presents
parting compliments ." On returning home, it is cus
tomary that friends should first call upon them . A
neglect to do so , unless for some good excuse, is
sufficient cause to drop their acquaintance. In taking
leave of a family, you send as many cards as you
would if you were paying an ordinary visit.
VISITS OF CONDOLENCE .
Visits of condolence should be made within a week
after the event which occasions them ; but if the
acquaintance be slight, immediately after the family
appear at public worship. A card should be sent in,
and if your friends are able to receive you, your
manners and conversation should be in harmony with
the character of your visit. It is deemed courteous to
en ' in a mourning card ; and for ladies to make
the alls in black silk or plain -colored apparel. It
den tes that they sympathize with the afflictions of
the rawily, and a warm , heartfelt sympathy is always
appi sciated.
EVENING VISITS.

Eiving visits are paid only to those with whom

we are well acquainted. They should not be frequent,
ever where one is intimate, nor should they be pro
tracted to a great length. Frequent visits are apt
become tiresome to your friends or acquaintances, and
lor y visits may entitle you to the appellation of
“ 1 ora. "
62 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS,
If you should happen to pay an evening visit at a
house where a small party had assembled, unknown
to you, present yourself and converse for a few min
utes with an unembarrassed air, after which you may
leave, pleading as an excuse that you had only in
tended to make a short call. An invitation to stay
and spend the evening, given for the sake of courtesy
should not be accepted. If urged very strongly to
remain , and the company is an informal gathering,
you may with propriety consent to do so.

KEEP AN ACCOUNT OF CALLS.

A person should keep a strict account of cere

monial calls, and take note of how soon calls are
returned . By doing so, an opinion can be formed as
to how frequently visits are desired . Instances may
occur, when , in consequence of age or ill health, calls
should be made without any reference to their being
returned . It must be remembered that nothing must
interrupt the discharge of this duty.

CALLS OF CEREMONY AMONG FRIENDS.

Among relatives and friends, calls of mere cere

mony are unnecessary . It is, however, needful to make
suitable calls, and to avoid staying too long, if your
friend is engaged . The courtesies of society should be
maintained among the nearest friends, and even in
the domestic circle.
 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 63

ENGAGED or " Not AT HOME . "

If a lady is so employed that she cannot receive

callers she should charge the servant who goes to
answer the bell to say that she is “ engaged ΟΥ
“ not at home. ” This will prove sufficient with all
well -bred people.
The servant should have her orders to say en.

gaged ” or “ not at home " before any one has called ,

so that the lady shall avoid all risk of being obliged
to inconvenience herself in receiving company when
she has intended to deny herself. If there are to be
exceptions made in favor of any individual or indi
viduals, mention their name specially to the
servant, adding that you will see them if they call, but
to all others you are " engaged ."
A lady should always be dressed sufficiently well to
receive company, and not keep them waiting while she
is making her toilet.
A well-bred person always endeavors to receive
visitors at whatever time they call, or whoever they
may be, but there are times when it is impossible to
do so, and then , of course, a servant is instructed
beforehand to say “ not at home” to the visitor. If,
however, the servant admits the visitor and he is
seated in the drawing-room or parlor it is the duty of
the hostess to receive him or her at whatever incon
venience it may be to herself.
When you call upon persons, and are informed
at the door that the parties whom you ask for are
64 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS .

engaged you should never insist in an attempt to be

admitted, but should acquiesce at once in any
arrangements which they have made for their con
venience, and to protect themselves from interruption.
However intimate you may be in any house you
have no right, when an order has been given to
exclude general visitors, and no exception has been
made of you, to violate that exclusion, and declare
that the party should be at home to you. There are
times and seasons when a person desires to be left
entirely alone, and at such times there is no friendship
for which she would give up her occupation or her
solitude.

GENERAL RULES REGARDING CALLS

A gentleman in making a formal call should retain

his hat and gloves in his hand on entering the room.
The hat should not be laid upon a table or stand,
but kept in the hand, unless it is found necessary
from some cause to set it down. In that case, place it
upon the floor. An umbrella should be left in the hall.
In an informal evening call, the hat, gloves, overcoat
and cane may be left in the hall.
A lady, in making a call, may bring a stranger,
even a gentleman, with her, without previous permis
sion . A gentleman, however, should never take the
same liberty.
No one should prolong a call if the person upon
whom the call is made is found dressed ready to go
outo
 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 65

A lady should be more richly dressed when calling

on her friends than for an ordinary walk. '
A lady should never call upon a gentleman except
upon some business, officially or professionally.
Never allow young children, dogs or pets of any
sort to accompany you in a call. They often prove
disagreeable and troublesome.
Two persons out of one family, or at most three, are
all that should call together.
It is not customary in cities to offer refreshments
to callers. In the country , where the caller has come
from some distance, it is exceedingly hospitable to do
80.
Calls in the country may be less ceremonious and of
longer duration, than those made in the city.
A person making a call should not, while waiting
for a hostess, touch an open piano, walk about the
room examining pictures, nor handle any ornament in
the room .
If there is a stranger visiting at the house of a friend,
the acquaintances of the family should be punctilious to
call at an early date.
Never offer to go to the room of an invalid upon
whom you have called, but wait for an invitation to
do so .
In receiving morning calls, it is unnecessary for a
lady to lay aside any employment, not of an absorb
ing nature, upon which she may happen to be en
gaged. Embroidery, crocheting or light needle -work are
perfectly in harmony with the requirements of the
66 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS.

hour, and the lady looks much better employed than

in absolute idleness.
A lady should pay equal attention to all her guests.
The display of unusual deference is alone allowable,
when distinguished rank or reputation or advanced age
justifies it.
A guest should take the seat indicated by the hostess.
A gentleman should never seat himself on a sofa beside
her, nor in a chair in immediate proximity, unless she
specially invites him to do so.
A lady need not lay aside her bonnet during a formal
call, even though urged to do so . If the call be a
friendly and unceremonious one, she may do so if she
thinks proper, but not without an invitation .
A gentleman caller must not look at his watch
during a call, unless, in doing so, he pleads some
engagement and asks to be excused .
Formal calls are generally made twice a year; but
only once a year is binding, when no invitations have
been received that require calls in return .
In calling upon a person living at a hotel or
boarding -house, it is customary to stop in the parlor
and send your card to the room of the person called
upon .
When a person has once risen to take leave, he should
not be persuaded to prolong his stay.
Callers should take special pains to make their visits
opportune. On the other hand , a lady should always
receive her callers, at whatever hour or day they come,
if it is possible to do so .
 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 67

When a gentleman has called and not found the

lady at home, it is civility on the part of the lady,
upon the occasion of their next meeting, to express
her regret at not seeing him. He should reciprocate
the regret, and not reply unthinkingly or awkwardly:
" Oh it made no particular difference," " it was of no
great consequence," or words to that effect.
After you have visited a friend at her country
seat, or after receiving an invitation to visit her, a
call is due her upon her return to her town residence.
This is one of the occasions when a call should be
made promptly and in person , unless you have a
reason for wishing to discontinue the acquaintance;
even then it would be more civil to take another
opportunity for dropping a friend who wished to show
a civility, unless her character has been irretrievably
lost in the meantime.
NEW-YEAR'S CALLS.

The custom of New - Year's calling is prevalent in

all cities, and most villages in the country, and so
agreeable a custom is it, that it is becoming more in
favor every year. This is the day when gentlemen
keep up their acquaintanceship with ladies and fami
lies, some of whom they are unable to see, probably,
during the whole year. Of late it has been cus
tomary in many cities to publish in one or more
newspapers, a day or two before New - Years, a list
of the ladies who will receive calls on that day , and
from this list gentlemen arrange their calls. For con
68 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS .

venience and to add to the pleasure of the day,

several ladies frequently unite in receiving calls at
the residence of one of their number, but this is
usually done when only one or two members of a
family can receive. Where there are several members
of a family, who can do so, they usually receive at
their own home.
Gentlemen call either singly , in couples, by threes
or fours and sometimes even more, in carriages or on
foot, as they choose. Calls commence about ten o'clock
in the morning, and continue until about nine in the
evening. When the gentlemen go in parties, they call
upon the lady friends of each, and if all are not ac
quainted, those who are, introduce the others. The
length of a call is usually from five to fifteen minutes,
but it is often governed by circumstances, and may
be prolonged to even an hour.
Refreshments are usually provided for the callers,
and should always be offered , but it is not necessary
that they should be accepted. If not accepted, an
apology should be tendered, with thanks for the offer.
The refreshments may consist of oysters, raw or scal
loped, cold meats, salads, fruits, cakes, sandwiches, etc.,
and hot tea and coffee.
When callers are ushered into the reception -room ,
they are met by the ladies, when introductions are
given, and the callers are invited to remove their
overcoats, but it is optional with them whether they
do so or not. It is also optional with them whether
they remove their gloves. When gentlemen are intro
 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 69

duced to ladies in making New -Year's calls, they are

not thereby warranted in calling again upon any of
these ladies, unless especially invited to do so. It is
the lady's pleasure whether the acquaintance shall be
maintained .
In making New -Year's calls, a gentleman leaves one
card, whatever may be the number of ladies receiving
with the hostess. If there is a basket at the door
he leaves a card for each of the ladies at the house
including lady guests of the family, provided there are
any. The New - Year's card should not differ from an
ordinary calling card. It should be plain, with the
name engraved, or printed in neat script. It is not now
considered in good taste to have “ Happy New Year ”
or other words upon it, unless it may be the residence
of the gentleman , which may be printed or written in
the right hand corner, if deemed desirable. A gentle
man does not make calls the first New-Year's after his
marriage, but receives at home with his wife.
 CHAPTER VI.

Etiquette of Visiting.
ROME of the social observances pertaining to
S visiting away from one's own home, and ac
cepting the hospitalities of friends, are here
given and are applicable to ladies and gentle
men alike.
GENERAL INVITATIONS.
No one should accept a general invitation for a
prolonged visit. “ Do come and spend some time with
me" may be said with all earnestness and cordiality,
but to give the invitation real meaning the date
should be definitely fixed and the length of time
stated .
A person who pays a visit upon a general invita
tion need not be surprised if he finds himself as un
welcome as he is unexpected. His friends may be
absent from home, or their house may be already
full, or they may not have made arrangements for
visitors. From these and other causes they may be
greatly inconvenienced by an unexpected arrival.
It would be well if people would abstain altogether
from this custom of giving general invitations, which
( 70)
 ETIQUETTE OF VISITING. 71

really means nothing, and be scrupulous to invite their

desired guests at a stated time and for a given period .
LIMIT OF A PROLONGED VISIT.
If no exact length of time is specified , it is well
for visitors to limit a zisit to three days or a week ,
according to the degree of intimacy they may have
with the family, or the distance they have come to
pay the visit, announcing this limitation soon after
arrival, so that the host and the hostess may invite a
prolongation of the stay if they desire it, or so that
they can make their arrangements in accordance.
One never likes to ask of a guest, “ How long do you
intend to remain ?" yet it is often most desirable to
know.
TRUE HOSPITALITY .

Offer your guests the best that you have in the

way of food and rooms, and express no regrets, and
make no excuses that you have nothing better to
give them.
Try to make your guests feel at home ; and do
this, not by urging them in empty words to do so,
but by making their stay as pleasant as possible, at
the same time being careful to put out of sight any
trifling trouble or inconvenience they may cause you.
Devote as much time as is consistent other
engagements to the amusement and entertainment of
your guests.
DUTIES OF THE VISITOR .
On the other hand, the visitor should try to con
72 ETIQUETTE OF VISITING .

form as much as possible to the habits of the house

which temporarily shelters him . He should never
object to the hours at which meals are served , nor
should he ever allow the family to be kept waiting
on his account.
It is a good rule for a visitor to retire to his own
apartment in the morning, or at least seek out some
occupation or amusement of his own, without seeming
to need the assistance or attention of host or hostess ;
for it is undeniable that these have certain duties
which must be attended to at this portion of the day,
in order to leave the balance of the time free for the
entertainment of their guests.
If any family matters of a private or unpleasant
nature come to the knowledge of the guest during
his stay, he must seem both blind and deaf, and
never refer to them unless the parties interested speak
of them first.
The rule on which a host and hostess should act
is to make their guests as much at ease as possible ;
that on which a visitor should act is to interfere as
little as possible with the ordinary routine of the
house.
It is not required that a hostess should spend her
whole time in the entertainment of her guests. The
latter may prefer to be left to their own devices for
a portion of the day. On the other hand, it shows
the worst of breeding for a visitor to seclude himself
from the family and seek his own amusements and
occupations regardless of their desire to join in them
or entertain him.
 ETIQUETTE OF VISITING . 73

You should try to hold yourself at the disposal of

those whom you are visiting. If they propose to you
to ride, to drive or walk, you should acquiesce as far
as your strength will permit, and do your best to
seem pleased at the efforts made to entertain you.
You should not accept invitations without consult
ing your host. You should not call upon the servants
to do errands for you, or to wait upon you too much,
nor keep the family up after hours of retiring.
If you have observed anything to the disadvantage
of your friends, while partaking of their hospitality,
it never should be mentioned, either while you are
under their roof or afterwards. Speak only of what
redounds to their praise and credit. This feeling
ought to be mutual between host and guest. What
ever good is observed in either may be commented
upon , but the curtain of silence must be drawn over
their faults.
Give as little trouble as possible when a guest, but
at the same time never think of apologizing for any
little additional trouble which your visit may occasion .
It would imply that you thought your friends incap
able of entertaining you without some inconvenience
to themselves.
Keep your room as neat as possible, and leave no
articles of dress or toilet around to give trouble to
servants.
A lady guest will not hesitate to make her own bed,
if few or no servents are kept ; and in the latter case
she will do whatever else she can to lighten the labors:
74 ETIQUETTE OF VISITING .

of her hostess as a return for the additional exertion

her visit occasions.

INVITATIONS TO GUESTS.

Any invitation given to a lady guest should also

include the hostess, and the guest is justified in de
clining to accept any invitation unless the hostess is
also invited . Invitations received by the hostess
should include the guest. Thus, at all places of amuse
ment and entertainment, guest and host may be
together.
FORBEARANCE WITH CHILDREN.

A guest should not notice nor find fault with the

bad behavior of the children in the household where
visiting, and should put up with any of their faults,
and overlook any ill-bred or disagreeable actions on
their part.
GUESTS MAKING PRESENTS .
If a guest wishes to make a present to any mem
ber of the family she is visiting, it should be to the
hostess, or if to any of the children, to the youngest
in preference, though it is usually better to give it to
the mother. Upon returning home, when the guest
writes to the hostess, she expresses her thanks for the
hospitality, and requests to be remembered to the
family.
TREATMENT OF A Host's FRIENDS.
If you are a guest, you must be very cautious as
to the treatment of the friends of your host or hostess.
 ETIQUETTE OF VISITING. 75

If you do not care to be intimate with them , you

must be careful not to show a dislike for them, or
that you wish to avoid them. You must be exceed
ingly polite and agreeable to them, avoiding any
special familiarity, and keep them at a distance with
out hurting their feelings. Do not say to your host
or hostess that you do not like any of their friends.
LEAVE - TAKING .

Upon taking leave, express the pleasure you have

experienced in your visit. Upon returning home it is
an act of courtesy to write and inform your friends
of your safe arrival, at the same time repeating your
thanks .
A host and hostess should do all they can to make
the visit of a friend agreeable; they should urge him
to stay as long as it is consistent with his own plans,
and at the same time convenient to themselves. But
when the time for departure has been fully fixed
upon , no obstacles should be placed in the way of
leave-taking. Help him in every possible way to de
part, at the same time giving him a cordial invitation
to renew the visit at some future period.
“ Welcome the coming, speed the parting, guest,”

expresses the true spirit of hospitality.

 CHAPTER VII.

Visiting and Calling Cards.

N authentic writer upon visiting cards says :

“To the unrefined or underbred, the visiting
card is but a trifling and insignificant bit of
paper ; but to the cultured disciple of social
law , it conveys a subtle and unmistakable intelligence.
Its texture, style of engraving, and even the hour of
leaving it, combine to place the stranger, whose name
it bears, in a pleasant or a disagreeable attitude, even
before his manners, conversation and face have been
able to explain his social position. The higher the
civilization of a community, the more careful it is to
preserve the elegance of its social forms. It is quite
as easy to express a perfect breeding in the fashion
able formalities of cards, as by any other method , and
perhaps, indeed , it is the safest herald of an introduc
tion for a stranger. Its texture should be fine, its
engraving a plain script, its size neither too small, so
that its recipients shall say to themselves, “ A whim
sical person,” nor too large to suggest ostentation. Re
finement seldom touches extremes in anything."
(76 )
 VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. 77

CALLING CARDS.

A card used in calling should have nothing upon

it but the name of the caller. A lady's card should
not bear her place of residence ; such cards having, of
late, been appropriated by the members of the demi
monde. The street and number always look better
upon the card of the husband than upon that of the
wife. When necessary , they can be added in pencil
on the cards of the wife and daughter. A business
card should never be used for a friendly call. A
physician may put the prefix " Dr. ,” or the affix
“ M. D.," upon his card, and an army or navy officer
his rank and branch of service.
WEDDING CARDS.

Wedding cards are only sent to those people whom

the newly married couple desire to keep among their
acquaintances, and it is then the duty of those receiv
ing the cards to call first on the young couple.
CARD TO SERVE FOR CALLS.
A person may make a card serve the purpose of
a call, and it may either be sent in an envelope, by
messenger or left in person . If left in person , one
corner should be turned down. To indicate that a
call is made on all or several members of the family,
the card for the lady of the house is folded in the
middle. If guests are visiting at the house, a card is
left for each guest.
78 VISITING AND CALLING CARDS.
ENCLOSING A CARD IN AN ENVELOPE.
To return a call made in person with a card in
closed in an envelope, is an intimation that visiting
between the parties is ended . Those who leave or
send their cards with no such intention , should not
inclose them in an envelope. An exception to this
rule is where they are sent in return to the newly
married living in other cities, or in answering wedding
cards forwarded when absent from home. P. P. C.
cards are also sent in this way, and are the only
cards that it is as yet universally considered admis
sible to send by post.
SIZE AND STYLE OF VISITING OR CALLING CARDS.
A medium sized is in better taste than a very
large card for married persons. Cards bearing the
name of the husband alone are smaller. The cards of
unmarried men should also be small. The engraving
in simple writing is preferred , and without flourishes.
Nothing in cards can be more commonplace than
large printed letters, be the type what it may. Young
men should dispense with the “ Mr.” before their
names .

CARD FOR MOTHER AND DAUGHTER.

The name of young ladies are sometimes printed or
engraved on their mother's cards; both in script. It
is, of course , allowable for the daughter to have cards
of her own .
Some ladies have adopted the fashion of having
 VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. 79

the daughter's name on the same card with their own

and their husband's names .
GLAZED CARDS.

Glazed cards are quite out of fashion, as are cards

and note paper with gilt edges. The fashion in cards,
however, changes so often , that what is in style one
year, may not be the next.
P. P. C. CARDS.

A card left at a farewell visit, before a long pro

tracted absence, has “ P. P. C.” (Pour Prendre Conge)
written in one corner. It is not necessary to deliver
such cards in person, for they may be sent by a
messenger, or by post if necessary . P. P. C. cards are
not left when the absence from home is only for a
few months, nor by persons starting in mid -summer
for a foreign country, as residents are then supposed
to be out of town . They are sent to or left with
friends by ladies just previous to their contemplated
marriage to serve the purpose of a call .
CARDS OF CONGRATULATION.
Cards of congratulation must be left in person , or
a congratulatory note, if desired , can be made to
serve instead of a call ; excepting upon the newly
married. Calls in person are due to them , and to
the parents who have invited you to the marriage.
When there has been a reception after the ceremony,
which you have been unable to attend, but have
80 VISITING AND CALLING CARDS.

sent cards by some member of your family, your

cards need not again represent you until they have
been returned , with the new residence announced ;
but a call is due to the parents or relatives who
have given the reception. When no wedding cards
are sent you, nor the card of the bridegroom , you
cannot call without being considered intrusive. One
month after the birth of a child the call of congratu
lation is made by acquaintances.
LEAVE CARDS IN MAKING FIRST CALLS .

In making the first calls of the season (in the

autumn) both ladies and gentlemen should leave a
card each, at every house called upon , even if the
ladies are receiving. The reason of this is that
where a lady is receiving morning calls, it would be too
great a tax upon her memory to oblige her to keep
in mind what calls she has to return or which
of them have been returned , and in making out
lists for inviting informally, it is often the card -stand
which is first searched for bachelors ' cards, to meet
the emergency . Young men should be careful to
write their street and number on their cards.

LEAVE CARDS AFTER AN INVITATION.

After an invitation , cards must be left upon those

who have sent it, whether it is accepted or not.
They must be left in person, and if it is desired to
end the acquaintance the cards can be left without
inquiring whether the ladies are at home.
 VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. 81

Gentlemen should not expect to receive invita

tions from ladies with whom they are only on
terms of formal visiting, until the yearly or autum
nal call has been made, or until their cards have
been left to represent themselves.
CAKDS OF CONDOLENCE .

Cards of condolence left by mere acquaintances

must be returned by “ mourning cards" before such
persons feel at liberty to make a call. When the
bereaved are ready to receive calls ( instead of the
cards) of their acquaintances, “mourning cards" in en
velopes, or otherwise, are returned to all those who
have left their cards since the death , which was the
occasion of the cards being left. Intimate friends, of
course, do not wait for cards, but continue their
calls, without regard to any ceremonious observances
made for the protection of the bereaved. Acquain
tances leaving cards should inquire after the health
of the family, leaving the cards in person.
A BRIDEGROOM'S CARD.

When only the family and the most intimate

friends of a bride and bridegroom have been in
cluded in the invitation for the marriage, or where
there has been no reception after the marriage at
church, the bridegroom often sends his bachelor
card ( inclosed in an envelope ) to those of his
acquaintances6
with whom he wishes to continue op
82 VISITING AND CALLING CARDS.

visiting terms. Those who receive a card should call

on the bride, within ten days after she has taken
possession of her home. Some persons have received
such a card as an intimation that the card was to
end the acquaintance. This mistake shows the
necessity of a better understanding of social customs.
 CHAPTER VIII.

Conversation.

"HE character of a person is revealed by his

conversation as much as by any one quality
he possesses, for strive as he may he can
not always be acting.
IMPORTANCE OF CONVERSING WELL .
To be able to converse well is an attainment which
should be cultivated by every intelligent man and
woman . It is better to be a good talker than a good
singer or musician, because the former is more widely
appreciated, and the company of a person who is
able to talk well on a great variety of subjects, is
much sought after. The importance, therefore, of culti
vating the art of conversation , cannot easily be over
estimated. It should be the aim of all intelligent
persons to acquire the habit of talking sensibly and
with facility upon all topics of general interest to
society, so that they may both interest others and be
themselves interested, in whatever company they may
chance to be thrown.
(83 )
84 CONVERSATION .

TRAINING CHILDREN.

The training for this should be commenced in early

childhood. Parents should not only encourage their
children to express themselves freely upon everything
that attracts their attention and interests them , but
they should also incite their faculties of perception ,
memory and close observation, by requiring them to
recount everything, even to its minutest details, that
they may have observed in walking to and from
school, or in taking a ride in a carriage or in the cars.
By training a child to a close observation of every
thing he meets or passes, his mind becomes very act
ive, and the habit having once been acquired, he
becomes interested in a great variety of objects;
sees more and enjoys more than one who has not
been so trained .

CULTIVATING THE MEMORY.

A good memory is an invaluable aid in acquiring

the art of conversation, and the cultivation and train
ing of this faculty is a matter of importance.
Early youth is the proper time to begin this training,
and parents and teachers should give special attention
to the cultivation of memory. When children are
taken to church, or to hear a lecture, they should be
required to relate or to write down from memory,
such a digest of the sermon or lecture as they can
remember. Adults may also adopt this plan for cul
tivating the memory, and they will be surprised to
 CONVERSATION . 85

find how continued practice in this will improve this

faculty. The practice of taking notes impairs rather
than aids the memory, for then a person relies almost
entirely in the notes taken, and does not fax the
memory sufficiently. A person should also train him
self to remember the names of persons whom he
becomes acquainted with, so as to recall them when
ever or wherever he may subsequently meet them.
It is related of a large wholesale boot and shoe mer
chant of an eastern city, that he was called upon one
day by one of his best customers, residing in a dis
tant city, whom he had frequently met, but whose
name, at the time, he could not recall, and received
his order for a large bill of goods. As he was about
to leave, the merchant asked his name, when the
customer indignantly replied that he supposed he was
known by a man from whom he had purchased goods
for many years, and countermanding his order, he
left the store, deaf to all attempts at explanation.
Though this may be an extreme case, it illustrates
the importance of remembering the names of people
when circumstances require it.
HENRY CLAY'S MEMORY OF NAMES.

One secret of Henry Clay's popularity as a politi

cian was his faculty of remembering the names of per
sons he had met. It is said of him that if he was
once introduced to a person , he was ever afterwards
able to call him by name, and recount the circum
stances of their first meeting. This faculty he culti
86 CONVERSATION .

vated after he entered upon the practice of law in

Kentucky, and soon after he began his political life.
At that time his memory for names was very poor,
and hé resolved to improve it. He adopted the
practice, just before retiring at night, of recalling the
names of all the persons he had met during the day,
writing them in a note book, and repeating over the
list the next morning. By this practice, he acquired,
in time, his wonderful faculty in remembering the
names of persons he had become acquainted with .
WRITING AS AN AID TO CORRECT TALKING.

To converse correctly — to use correct language in

conversation — is also a matter of importance, and
while this can be acquired by a strict attention to
grammatical rules, it can be greatly facilitated by the
habit of writing down one's thoughts. In writing,
strict regard is, or should be, paid to the correct use
of language, and when a person , from constant writ
ing, acquires the habit of using correct language, this
habit will follow him in talking. A person who is
accustomed to much writing, will always be found to
use language correctly in speaking.
REQUISITES FOR A Good TALKER .

To be a good talker, then, one should be possessed

of much general information, acquired by keen obser
vation, attentive listening, a good memory , extensive
reading and study, logical habits of thought, and
have a correct knowledge of the use of language.
 CONVERSATION . 87

He should also aim at a clear intonation, well chosen

phraseology and correct accent. These acquirements
are within the reach of every person of ordinary
ability, who has a determination to possess them ,
and the energy and perseverance to carry out that
determination .
VULGARISMS.
In conversation , one must scrupulously guard
against vulgarisms. Simplicity and terseness of lan
guage are the characteristics of a well educated and
highly cultivated person. It is the uneducated or
those who are but half educated, who use long words
and high -sounding phrases. A hyperbolical way of
speaking is mere flippancy, and should be avoided.
Such phrases as “ awfully pretty , " " immensely jolly ,"
" abominably stupid," " disgustingly mean, are of
this nature, and should be avoided , Awkwardness of
attitude is equally as bad as awkwardness of speech.
Lolling, gesticulating, fidgeting, handling an eye-glass
or watch chain and the like, give an air of gaucherie,
and take off a certain percentage from the respect of
others.
LISTENING .

The habit of listening with interest and attention

is one which should be specially cultivated. Even if
the talker is prosy and prolix, the well-bred person
will appear interested , and at appropriate intervals
make such remarks as shall show that he has heard
and understood all that has been said. Some super
88 CONVERSATION .

ficial people are apt' to style this hypocrisy ; but if

it is, it is certainly a commendable hypocrisy, direct
ly founded on that strict rule of good manners which
commands us to show the same courtsey to others
that we hope to receive ourselves. We are command
ed to check our impulses, conceal our dislikes, and
even modify our likings whenever or wherever these
are liable to give offense or pain to others. The per
son who turns away with manifest displeasure, dis
gust or want of interest when another is addressing
him, is guilty not only of an ill-bred, but a cruel act.
FLIPPANCY.

In conversation all provincialisms, affectations of

foreign accents, mannerisms, exaggerations and slang
are detestable. Equally to be avoided are inaccuracies
of expression, hesitation , an undue use of foreign
words, and anything approaching to flippancy , coarse
ness, triviality or provocation. Gentlemen sometimes
address ladies in a very flippant manner, which the
latter are obliged to pass over without notice, for var
ious reasons, while inwardly they rebel. Many a
worthy man has done himself an irreparable injury
by thus creating a lasting prejudice in the minds of
those whom he might have made his friends, had he
addressed them as though he considered them rational
beings, capable of sustaining their part in a conversa
tion upon sensible subjects. Flippancy is as much
an evidence of ill-breeding as is the perpetual smile,
the wandering eye, the vacant stare, and the half
 CONVERSATION. 89

opened mouth of the man who is preparing to break

in upon the conversation .
BE SYMPATHETIC AND ANIMATED.

Do not go into society unless you make up your

mind to be sympathetic, unselfish, animating, as well
as animated . Society does not require mirth , but it
does demand cheerfulness and unselfishness, and you
must help to make and sustain cheerful conversation .
The manner of conversation is as important as the
matter.

COMPLIMENTS.

Compliments are said by some to be inadmissible.

But between equals, or from those of superior posi
tion to those of inferior station, compliments should
be not only acceptable but gratifying. It is pleasant
to know that our friends think well of us, and it is
always agreeable to know that we are thought well
of by those who hold higher positions, such as men
of superior talent, or women of superior culture.
Compliments which are not sincere are only flattery
and should be avoided ; but the saying of kind
things, which is natural to the kind heart, and which
confers pleasure should be cultivated , at least not
suppressed. Those parents who strive most for the
best mode of training their children are said to have
found that it is never wise to censure them for a
fault, without preparing the way by some judicious
mention of their good qualities.
90 CONVERSATION .

SLANG .

All slang is vulgar. It lowers the tone of society

and the standard of thought. It is a great mistake
to suppose that slang is in any manner witty. Only the
very young or the uncultivated so consider it.

FLATTERY

Do not be guilty of flattery. The flattery of

those richer than ourselves or better born is vulgar,
and born of rudeness and is sure to be received as
emanating from unworthy motives. Testify your
respect, your admiration, and your gratitude by deeds
more than by words. Words are easy but deeds
are difficult. Few will believe the former, but the
latter will carry confirmation with them .
SCANDAL AND GOSSIP .

Scandal is the least excusable of all conversational

vulgarities. Envy prompts the tongue of the slan
derer. Jealousy is the disturber of the harmony of
all interests. A writer on this subject says : “ Gossip
is a troublesome sort of insect that only buzzes about
your ears and never bites deep ; slander is the beast
of prey that leaps upon you from its den and tears
you in pieces. Slander is the proper object of rage;
understand the
gossip of contempt." Those who best ur
nature of gossip and slander, if the victims of both,
will take no notice of the former, but will allow no
slander of themselves to go unrefuted during their
 CONVERSATION . 91

lifetime, to spring up in a hydra -headed attack upon

their children . No woman can be too sensitive as to
any charges affecting her moral character, whether in
the influence of her companionship, or in the influence
of her writings.

RELIGION AND POLITICS.

Religion and politics are topics that should never
be introduced into general conversation, for they are
subjects dangerous to harmony. Persons are most
likely to differ, and least likely to preserve their
tempers on these topics. Long arguments in general
company, however entertaining to the disputants are
very tiresome to the hearers.
SATIRE AND RIDICULE .

Young persons appear ridiculous when satirizing

or ridiculing books, people or things. Opinions to be
worth the consideration of others should have the
advantage of coming from mature persons. Cultivated
people are not in the habit of resorting to such
weapons as satire and ridicule. They find too much
to correct in themselves, to indulge in coarse censure
of the conduct of others, who may not have had ad
vantages equal to their own .
TITLES.

In addressing persons with titles always add the

name; as “ what do you think of it, Doctor Hayes ?”
not “ what do you think of it, Doctor ? ” In speaking
92 CONVERSATION ,

of foreigners the reverse of the English rule is

observed. No matter what the title of a Frenchman
is, he is always addressed as Monsieur, and you
never omit the word Vadame, whether addressing a
duchess or a dressmaker. The former is “ Madame la
Duchesse,” the latter plain “ Madame. ” Always give a
foreigner his title. If General Sherman travels in
Europe and is received by the best classes with the
dignity that his worth, culture and position as an
American general demand, he will never be called
Mr. Sherman, but his title will invariably precede his
name. There are persons who fancy that the omis
sion of the title is annoying to the party who
possesses it, but this is not the ground taken why
the title should be given , but because it reveals either
ignorance or ill-breeding on the part of those omitting
it .
CHRISTIAN NAMES.
There is a class of persons, who from ignorance of
the customs of good society, or from carelessness,
speak of persons by their Christian names , who are
neither relations nor intimate friends. This is a
familiarity which, outside of the family circle, and
beyond friends of the closest intimacy, is never
indulged in by the well-bred .
INTERRUPTION .
Interruption of the speech of others is a great sin
against good -breeding. It has been aptly said that if
you interrupt a speaker in the middle of a sentence,
 CONVERSATION. 93

you act almost as rudely as if, when walking with a

companion, you were to thrust yourself before him
and stop his progress .
ADAPTABILITY IN CONVERSATION .
The great secret of talking well is to adapt your
conversation, as skillfully as may be, to your com
pany. Some men make a point of talking common
place to all ladies alike, as if a woman could only
be a trifler. Others, on the contrary , seem to forget
in what respects the education of a lady differs from
that of a gentleman, and commit the opposite error
of conversing on topics with which ladies are seldom
acquainted, and in which few , if any, are ever
interested . A woman of sense has as much right to
be annoyed by the one, as a woman of ordinary
education by the other. If you really wish to be
thought agreeable, sensible, amiable, unselfish and
even well-informed , you should lead the way, in
tete a tete conversations for sportsmen to talk of their
shooting, a mother to talk of her children, a traveler
of his journeys and the countries he has visited , a
young lady of her last ball and the prospective ones,
an artist of his picture and an author of his book.
To show any interest in the immediate concerns of
people is very complimentary, and when not in
general society one is privileged to do this. People
take more interest in their own affairs than in any
thing else you can name, and if you manifest an
interest to hear, there are but few who will not sus
7
94 CONVERSATION ,

tain conversation by a narration of their affairs in

some form or another. Thackeray says : “ Be in
'erested by other people and by their affairs. It is
because you yourself are selfish that that other
person's self does not interest you."
CORRECT USE OF WORDS.

The correct use of words is indispensable to a

good talker who would escape the unfavorable criti
cism of an educated listener. There are many words
and phrases, used in some cases by persons who
have known better, but who have become careless
from association with others who make constant use
of them . “ Because that" and " but that ” should
never be used in connection, the word “ that ” being
entirely superfluous. The word vocation is often
used for " avocation .” “ Unhealthy ” food is spoken of
when it should be “ unwholesome." “ Had not ought
to ” is sometimes heard for "ought not to;" “ banis
ter ” for “ baluster ;" " handsful ” and “ spoonsful ”
for “ handfuls ” and “ spoonfuls ;" " it was him ” for
“ it was he ;" “ it was me” for “ it was I ; " “ whom
do you think was there ? ” for “ who do you think
was there ? " ; " a mutual friend ” for " a common
friend ;" " like I did " instead of “as I did ; " “ those
sort of things " instead of " this sort of thing ;" " lay
ing down " for lying down ;" " setting on a chair " for
“sitting on a chair; " “ try and make him " instead of
" try to make him ;" " she looked charmingly " for
“ she looked charming ; " “ loan ” for “ lend ; " “ to get
 CONVERSATION . 95

along " instead of " to get on ; " “ Cupalo " instead of

“ Cupola ;" “ who ” for “whom ” — as, “ who did you
see ” for “ whom did you see ; " double negatives, as,
“ he did not do neither of those things ;" “ lesser " for
“ least; " “ move " instead of " remove ;" “ off-set” in
stead of " set-off,” and many other words which are
often carelessly used by those who have been better
taught, as well as by those who are ignorant of their
proper use.
SPEAKING ONE'S MIND.
Certain honest but unthinking people often commit
the grievous mistake of “speaking their mind ” on all
occasions and under all circumstances, and oftentimes
to the great mortification of their hearers. And
especially do they take credit to themselves for their
courage, if their freedom of speech happens to give
offense to any of them . A little reflection ought to
show how cruel and unjust this is. The law restrains
us from inflicting bodily injury upon those with
whom we disagree, yet there is no legal preventive
against this wounding of the feeling of others.
UNWISE EXPRESSION OF OPINION.

Another class of people, actuated by the best of

intentions, seem to consider it a duty to parade their
opinions upon all occasions, and in all places without
reflecting that the highest truth will suffer from an
unwise and over -zealous advocacy. Civility requires
that we give to the opinions of others the same toler
ation that we exact for our own, and good sense
96 CONVERSATION.

should cause us to remember that we are never likely

to convert a person to our views when we begin by
violating his notions of propriety and exciting his
prejudices. A silent advocate of a cause is always
better than an indiscreet one.
PROFANITY.

No gentleman uses profane language. It is unnec

essary to add that no gentleman will use profane
language in the presence of a lady. For profanity
there is no excuse. It is a low and paltry habit,
acquired from association with low and paltry spirits,
who possess no sense of honor, no regard for decency
and no reverence or respect for beings of a higher
moral or religious nature than themselves. The man
who habitually uses profane language, lowers his
moral tone with every oath he utters. Moreover , the
silliness of the practice, if no other reason , should
prevent its use by every man of good sense .
PUBLIC MENTION OF PRIVATE MATTERS.

Do not parade merely private matters before a

public or mixed assembly or to acquaintances. If
strangers really wish to become informed about you
or your affairs, they will find the means to gratify
their curiosity without your advising them gratuit
ously. Besides, personal and family affairs, no mat
ter how interesting they may be to the parties imme
diately concerned, are generally of little moment to
outsiders. Still less will the well-bred person inquire
 CONVERSATION , 97

into or narrate the private affairs of any other family

or individual.

OSTENTATIOUS DISPLAY OF KNOWLEDGE.

In refined and intelligent society one should always

display himself at his best, and make a proper and
legitimate use of all such acquirements as he may
happen to have. But there should be no ostentatious
or pedantic show of erudition. Besides being vulgar,
such a show subjects the person to ridicule.
PRUDERY.
Avoid an affectation of excessive modesty. Do not
use the word " limb " for " leg ." If legs are really
improper, then let us, on no account, mention them .
But having found it necessary to mention them , let us
by all means give them their appropriate name.
DOUBLE ENTENDRES.

No person of decency, still less of delicacy, will be

guilty of a double entendre. A well-bred person always
refuses to understand a phrase of doubtful meaning.
If the phrase may be interpreted decently, and with
such interpretation would provoke a smile, then smile
to just the degree called for by such interpretation , and
no more. The prudery which sits in solemn and severe
rebuke at a double entendre is only second in indelicacy
to the indecency which grows hilarious over it, since
both must recognize the evil intent. It is sufficient to
et it pass unrecognized .
7
98 CONVERSATION .

INDELICATE WORDS AND EXPRESSIONS.

Not so when one hears an indelicate word or ex

pression, which allows of no possible harmless inter
pretation. Then not the shadow of a smile should
flit across the lips. Either complete silence should
be preserved in return, or the words, " I do not un
derstand you ,” be spoken . A lady will always fail
to hear that which she should not hear, or, having
unmistakably heard, she will not understand .
Vulgar EXCLAMATIONS.

No lady should make use of any feminine substi

tute for profanity. The woman who exclaims “ The
Dickens! ” or “ Mercy ! ” or “ Goodness !” when she is
annoyed or astonished, is as vulgar in spirit, though
perhaps not quite so regarded by society, as though
she had used expressions which it would require but
little stretch of the imagination to be regarded as
profane.
WIT .

You may be witty and amusing if you like, or

rather if you can ; but never use your wit at the ex
pense of others.

DISPLAY OF EMOTIONS.

Avoid all exhibitions of temper before others, if

you find it impossible to suppress them entirely.
All emotions, whether of grief or joy, should be sub
 CONVERSATION . 99

dued in public, and only allowed full play in the

privacy of your own apartments.
IMPERTINENT QUESTIONS.

Never ask impertinent questions. Some authori

ties in etiquette even go so far as to say that all
questions are strictly tabooed. Thus, if you wished
to inquire after the health of the brother of your
friend, you would say, “ I hope your brother is well,”
not, “ How is your brother's health ? ”
THE CONFIDENCE OF OTHERS.
Never try to force yourself into the confidence of
others ; but if they give you their confidence of their
own free will, let nothing whatever induce you to
betray it. Never seek to pry into a secret, and never
divulge one.
USE OF FOREIGN LANGUAGE.
Do not form the habit of introducing words and
phrases of French or other foreign languages into
common conversation . This is only allowable in
writing, and not then except when the foreign word
or phrase expresses more clearly and directly than
English can do the desired meaning. In familiar
conversation this is an affectation, only pardonable
when all persons present are particularly familiar
with the language.
PRETENSES.
Avoid all pretense at gentility. Pass for what you
106 CONVERSATION .

are, and nothing more. If you are obliged to make

any little economies, do not be ashamed to acknowl
edge them as economies, if it becomes necessary to
speak of them at all. If you keep no carriage, do
not be over -solicitous to impress upon your friends that
the sole reason for this deficiency is because you prefer
to walk . Do not be ashamed of poverty ; but, on the
other hand, do not flaunt its rags unmercifully in the
faces (f others. It is better to say nothing about it, either
in excuse or defense.

DOGMATIC STYLE OF SPEAKING .

Neves speak dogmatically or with an assumption

of knowledge or information beyond that of those
with whom you are conversing. Even if you are
conscious of this superiority, a proper and becoming
modesty will lead you to conceal it as far as pos
sible, that you may not put to shame or humiliation
those less fortunate than yourse f. If they discover
your superiority of their own accord, they will have
much more admiration for you than though you
forced the recognition upon them. If they do not
discover it, you cannot force it upon their percep
tions, and they will only hold you in contempt for
trying to do so. Besides, there is the possibility that
you over-estimate yourself, and instead of being a
wise man you are only a self-sufficient fool.
FAULT-FINDING.

Do not be censorious or fault- finding. Long and

 CONVERSATION . 101

close friendship may sometimes excuse one friend in

reproving or criticising another, but it must always be
done in the kindest and gentlest manner, and in nine
cases out of ten had best be left undone. When one
is inclined to be censorious or critical , it is well to
remember the scriptural injunction, “First cast the
beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thoʻl see
clearly to cast the mote out of thy brother's eye.”
CONVERSING WITH LADIES.
A gentleman should never lower the intellectual
standard of his conversation in addressing ladies.
Pay them the compliment of seeming to consider
them capable of an equal-understanding with gentle
men. You will, no doubt, be somewhat surprised to
find in how many cases the supposition will be
grounded on fact, and in the few instances where it
is not, the ladies will be pleased rather than offended
at the delicate compliment you pay them. When
you " come down " to commonplace or small talk
with an intelligent lady, one of two things is the
consequence : she either recognizes the condescer sion
and despises you, or else she accepts it as the ligh
est intellectual effort of which you are capable, and
rates you accordingly.
HOBBIES.

People with hobbies are at once the easiest and

most difficult persons with whom to engage in 'on
versation . On general subjects they are ideales, nd
102 CONVERSATION .

voiceless beyond monosyllables. But introduce their

special hobby, and if you choose you need only to
listen . There is much profit to be derived from the
conversation of these persons. They will give you a
clearer idea of the aspects of any subject or theory
which they may have taken to heart, than you could
perhaps gain in any other way.
The too constant riding of hobbies is not, however,
to be specially recommended . An individual, though
he may be pardoned in cultivating special tastes,
should yet be possessed of sufficiently broad and
general information to be able to converse intelligently
on all subjects, and he should, as far as possible,
reserve his hobby -riding for exhibition before those
who ride hobbies similar to his own .

THINGS TO BE AVOIDED.
It must be remembered that a social gathering
should never be made the arena of a dispute. Conse
quently every subject liable to provoke a discussion
should be avoided. Even slight inaccuracy in state
inent of facts or opinions should rarely be remarked
on in conversation .
Do not permit yourself to lose your temper in
society, nor show that you have taken offense at a
supposed slight.
If anyone should assume a disagreeable tone of
voice or offensive manner toward you, never return it
in company , and above all, do not adopt the same
style of conversation with him . Appear not to notice
 CONVERSATION . 103

it, and generally it will be discontinued , as it will be

seen that it has failed in its object.
Avoid all coarseness and undue familiarity in ad
dressing others. A person who makes himself offens
ively familiar will have few friends.
Never attack the character of others in their absence;
and if you hear others attacked , say what you can
consistently to defend them.
If you are talking on religious subjects, avoid all
cant. Cant words and phrases may be used in good
faith from the force of habit, but their use subjects
the speaker to a suspicion of insincerity.
Do not ask the price of articles you observe, ex
cept from intimate friends, and then very quietly,
and only for some good reason .
Do not appear to notice an error in language,
either in pronunciation or grammar, made by the per
son with whom you are conversing, and do not repeat
correctly the same word or phrase. This would be
as ill -bred as to correct it when spoken .
Mimicry is ill-bred , and must be avoided .
Sneering at the private affairs of others has long
ago been banished from the conversation of well
mannered people.
Never introduce unpleasant topics, nor describe
revolting scenes in general company .
Never give officious advice . Even when sought
for, give advice sparingly.
Never, directly or indirectly, refer to the affairs of
others, which it may give them pain in any degree
to recall.
104 CONVERSATION .

Never hold your companion in conversation by

the button -hole . If you are obliged to detain him
forcibly in order to say what you wish, you are
pressing upon him what is disagreeable or unwelcome,
and you commit a gross breach of etiquette in so doing.
Especially avoid contradictions, interruptions and
monopolizing all conversation yourself. These faults
are all intolerable and very offensive.
To speak to one person in a company in ambigu
ous terms, understood by him alone, is as rude as if
you had whispered in his ear.
Avoid stale and trite remarks on commonplace
subjects; also all egotism and anecdotes of personal
adventure and exploit, unless it should be called out
by persons you are conversing with.
To make a classical quotation in a mixed company
is considered pedantic and out of place, as is also
an ostentatious display of your learning.
A gentleman should avoid talking about his busi
ness or profession , unless such matters are drawn
from him by the person with whom he is conversing.
It is in bad taste, particularly, to employ technical or
professional terms in general conversation.
Long arguments or heated discussions are apt to
be tiresome to others, and should be avoided .
It is considered extremely ill -bred for two persons
to whisper in society, or to converse in a language
with which all persons are not familiar.
Avoid talking too much , and do not inflict upon
your hearers interminably long stories, in which they
can have but little interest.
 CHAPTER IX.

Dinner Parties.

INNERS are generally looked upon as enter

tainments for married people and the middle
aged, but it is often desirable to have some
young unmarried persons among the guests.
WHOM TO INVITE.

Those invited should be of the same standing in

society. They need not necessarily be friends, nor
even acquaintances, but, at a dinner, as people come
into closer contact than at a dance, or any other kind
of a party , those only should be invited to meet one
another who move in the same class of circles. Care
must, of course, be taken that those whom you think
agreeable to each other are placed side by side around
the festive board . Good talkers are invaluable at a
dinner party - people who have fresh ideas and plenty
of warm words to clothe them in ; but good listeners are
equally invaluable.
INVITATIONS .

Invitations to dinner parties are not usually sent

( 105 )
106 DINNER PARTIES ,

by post, in cities, and are only answered by post

where the distance is such as to make it inconveni
ent to send the note by hand. They are issued in
the name of the gentleman and lady of the house,
from two to ten days in advance. They should be
answered as soon as received , without fail, as it is
necessary that the host and hostess should know who
are to be their guests. If the invitation is accepted,
the engagement should, on no account, be lightly
broken. This rule is a binding one, as the non -arrival
of an expected guest produces disarrangement of
plans. Gentlemen cannot be invited without their
wives, where other ladies than those of the family are
present ; nor ladies without their husbands, when
other ladies are invited with their husbands. This rule
has no exceptions. No more than three out of a family
should be invited, unless the dinner party is a very
large one.
MANNER OF WRITING INVITATIONS.

The invitations should be written on small note

paper, which may have the initial letter or monogram
stamped upon it, but good taste forbids anything
more. The envelope should match the sheet of paper.
The invitation should be issued in the name of the
host and hostess. The form of invitations should be
as follows :

“ Mr. and Mrs. Potter request the pleasure of Mr.

and Mrs. Barton's company at dinner on Thursday, the
13th of October, at 5 o'clock . "
 DINNER PARTIES . 107

An answer should be returned at once, so that if

the invitation is declined the hostess may modify her
arrangements accordingly.
INVITATION ACCEPTED .

An acceptance may be given in the following form :

“ Mr. and Mrs. Barton have much pleasure in ac
cepting Mr. and Mrs. Potter's invitation for October
13th .”
INVITATION DECLINED.
The invitation is declined in the following manner :
« Mr. and Mrs. Barton regret that a previous en
gagement (or whatever the cause may be) prevents
them the pleasure of accepting Mr. and Mrs.
Potter's invitation at dinner for October 13th .”
Or,
“Mr. and Mrs. Barton regret exceedingly that owing
to (whatever the preventing cause may be), they can
not have the pleasure of dining with Mr. and Mrs.
Potter on Thursday, October 13th."
Whatever the cause for declining may be, it should
be stated briefly, yet plainly, that there may be no oo
casion for misunderstanding or hard feelings.
INVITATION TO TEA -PARTY .

The invitation to a tea -party may be less formal.

It may take the form of a friendly note, something in
this manner :
(
"DEAR Miss SUMMER :
“ We have some friends coming to drink tea with
us to -morrow : will you give us the pleasure of your
108 DINNER PARTIES

company also ? We hope you will not disappoint

us.”

FAILING TO FILL AN ENGAGEMENT.

When it becomes absolutely necessary to break an
engagement once made for dinner or tea, a note must
be sent at once to the hostess and host, with full ex
planation of the cause, so that your place may be
supplied, if possible.
PUNCTUALITY.
The hour generally selected in cities is after
business hours, or from five to eight o'clock . In the
country or villages it may be an hour or two earlier.
To be punctual at the hour mentioned is obligatory.
If you are too early you are in the way ; if too late
you annoy the hostess, cause impatience among the
assembled guests, and perhaps spoil the dinner. Fif
teen minutes is the longest time required to wait for a
tardy guest.
THE SUCCESS OF A DINNER.
A host and hostess generally judge of the success
of a dinner by the manner in which conversation has
been sustained. If it has flagged often, it is considered
proof that the guests have not been congenial ; but if
a steady stream of talk has been kept up, it shows
that they have smoothly amalgamated, as a whole.
No one should monopolize conversation, unless he
wishes to win for himself the appellation of a bore,
and be avoided as such .
 DINNER PARTIES. 109

THE TABLE APPOINTMENTS.

A snow -white cloth of the finest damask , beauti

ful china, glistening or finely engraved glass, and
polished plate are considered essential to a grand
dinner. Choice flowers, ferns and mosses tastefully
arranged add much to the beauty of the table. A
salt - cellar should be within reach of ever guest.
Napkins should be folded square and placed with a
roll of bread upon each plate. The dessert is placed
on the table amidst the flowers. An epergne, or a low
dish of flowers, graces the centre ; stands of bon-bons
and confectionery are ranged on both sides of the
table, which complete the decorations of the table.
The name of each guest, written upon a card and
placed one on each plate, marks the seat assigned.
ASSIGNING PARTNERS FOR DINNER.

The number at a dinner should not be less than

six , nor more than twelve or fourteen . Then the
host will be able to designate to each gentleman the
lady whom he is to conduct to the table ; but when
the number exceeds this limit it is a good plan to
have the name of each couple written upon a
card and enclosed in an addressed envelope, ready to
be handed to the gentlemen by the servant, before
entering the drawing-room , or left on a tray for the
guests to select those which bear their names,
If a gentleman finds upon his card the name of
a lady with whom he is unacquainted, he requests
110 DINNER PARTIES.

the host to present him immediately after he has

spoken with the hostess, also to any members of the
family with whom he is not acquainted.
INTRODUCTIONS.
All the guests should secure introductions to the
one for whom the dinner is given . If two persons,
unknown to each other , find themselves placed side
by side at a table, they may enter into conversation
without an introduction .
ARRANGEMENTS OF GUESTS AT THE TABLE.
When dinner is announced, the host offers his
right arm to the lady he is to escort to the table.
The others follow , arm in arm , the hostess being the
last to leave the drawing-room . Age should take the
precedence in proceeding from the drawing-room to
the dining -room , the younger falling back until the
elder have advanced. The host escorts the eldest
lady or the greatest stranger, or if there be a bride
present, precedence is given to her, unless the dinner
is given for another person , in which case he escorts
the latter. The hostess is escorted either by the
greatest stranger, or some gentleman whom she wishes
to place in the seat of honor, which is at her right.
The host places the lady whom he escorts at his
right. The seats of the host and hostess may be in the
middle and at opposite sides of the table, or at the
opposite ends. Husbands should not escort their
wives, or brothers their sisters, as this partakes of
the nature of a family gathering.
 DINNER PARTIES. 111

DINNER A LA RUSSE,
The latest and most satisfactory plan for serving
dinners is the dinner a la Russe, ( the Russian style)
-all the food being placed upon a side table ,
and servants do the carving and waiting. This style
gives an opportunity for more profuse ornamentation
of the table, which, as the meal progresses, does not
become encumbered with partially empty dishes and
platters.
DUTIES OF SERVANTS.

The servants commence, in passing the dishes, one

upon the right of the host and one upon the right
of the hostess. A master or mistress should never
censure the servants at dinner, however things
may go wrong. Servants should wear thin -soled
shoes that their steps may be noiseless, and if they
should use napkins in serving (as is the English
custom ) instead of gloves, their hands and nails
should be faultlessly clean . A good servant is never
awkward . He avoids coughing, breathing hard or
treading on a lady's dress; never lets any article
drop, and deposits plates, glasses, knives, forks and
spoons noiselessly. It is considered good form for a
servant not to wear gloves in waiting at table, but to
use a damask napkin, with one corner wrapped
around the thumb, that he may not touch the plates
and dishes with the naked hand.
SOUP.
Soup is the first course . All should accept it even
112 DINNER PARTIES.

if they let it remain untouched, because it is better

to make a pretense of eating until the next course is
served, than to sit waiting, or compel the servants to
serve one before the rest. Soup should not be called
for a second time. A soup-plate should never be tilted
for the last spoonful.
Fish.

Fish follows soup and must be eaten with a fork,

unless fish knives are provided. If fish knives are not
provided, a piece of bread in the left hand answers
the purpose as well, with the fork in the right hand .
Fish may be declined, but must not be called for a
second time.

THE SIDE DISHES.

After soup and fish come the side dishes, which
must be eaten with the fork , though the knife is used
in cutting meats and anything too hard for a fork.
GENERAL RULES REGARDING DINNER .

When the plate of each course is set before you,

with the knife and fork upon it, remove the knife and
fork at once. This matter should be carefully attend
ed to, as the serving of an entire course is delayed by
neglecting to remove them .
Greediness should not be indulged in . Indecision
must be avoided . Do not take up one piece and lay
it down in favor of another , or hesitate .
Never allow the servant, or the one who pours, to
fill your glass with wine that you do not wish to
 DINNER PARTIES. 113

drink . You can check him by touching the rim of

your glass.
Cheese is eaten with a fork and not with a knife.
If you have occasion to speak to a servant, wait
until you can catch his eye, and then ask in a low
tone for what you want.
The mouth should always be kept closed in eat
ing, and both eating and drinking should be noiseless.
Bread is broken at dinner. Vegetables are eaten
with a fork .
Asparagus can be taken up with the fingers, if pre
ferred . Olives and artichokes are always so eaten.
Fruit is eaten with silver knives and forks.
You are at liberty to refuse a dish that you do
not wish to eat. If any course is set down before
you that you do not wish, do not touch it. Never
play with food, nor mince your bread, nor handle
the glass and silver near you unnecessarily.
Never reprove a waiter for negligence or improper
conduct; that is the business of the host.
When a dish is offered you, accept or refuse at
once , and allow the waiter to pass on . A gentleman
will see that the lady whom he has escorted to the
table is helped to all she wishes, but it is officiousness
to offer to help other ladies who have escorts .
If the guests pass the dishes to one another, in
stead of being helped by a servant, you should al
ways help yourself from the dish, if you desire it at
all, before passing it on to the next.
A knife shouldnever, on any account, be put into
8
114 DINNER PARTIES .

the mouth. Many people, even well-bred in other

respects, seem to regard this as an unnecessary re
gulation ; but when we consider that it is a rule of
etiquette, and that its violation causes surprise and
disgust to many people, it is wisest to observe it.
Be careful to remove the bones from fish before
eating If a bone inadvertently should get into the
mouth, the lips must be covered with the napkin in
removing it. Cherry stones and grape skins should
be removed from the mouth as unobtrusively as pos
sible, and deposited on the side of the plate.
Never use a napkin in place of a handkerchief
for wiping the forehead, face or nose.
Pastry should be eaten with a fork . Every thing
that can be cut without a knife should be eaten with
the fork alone. Pudding may be eaten with a fork
or spoon .
Never lay your hand, or play with your fingers,
upon the table. Do not toy with your knife, fork or
spoon, make crumbs of your bread, or draw imagi
nary lines upon the table cloth .
Never bite fruit. An apple, peach or pear should
be peeled with a knife, and all fruit should be broken
or cute

WAITING ON OTHERS.

If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or

elderly person, politeness requires him to save them
all trouble of procuring for themselves anything to eat
or drink , and of obtaining whatever they are in want
 DINNER PARTIES . 115

of at the table, and he should be eager to offer them

what he thinks may be most to their taste.
PRAISING DISHES .

A hostess should not express pride regarding what

is on her table, nor make apologies if everything she
offers you is not to her satisfaction . It is much better
that she should observe silence in this respect, and
allow her guests to eulogize her dinner or not, as they
deem proper. Neither is it in good taste to urge
guests to eat, nor to load their plates against their
inclination .
MONOPOLIZING CONVERSATION.
For one or two persons to monopolize a conversa
tion which ought to be general, is exceedingly rude.
If the dinner party is a large one, you may converse
with those near you, raising the voice only loud
enough to be distinctly heard by the persons you are
talking with.
PICKING TEETH AT THE TABLE.
It is a mark of rudeness to pick your teeth at the
table, and it should always be avoided. To hold
your hand or napkin over your mouth does not avoid
the rudeness of the act, but if it becomes a matter of
necessity to remove some obstacle from between the
teeth , then your open mouth should be concealed by
your hand or napkin.
SELECTING A PARTICULAR DISH .
Never express a preference for any dish or any
116 DINNER PARTIES .

particular portion of a fowl or of meat, unless re

quested to do so, and then answer promptly, that no
time may be wasted in serving you and others after
you.
DUTIES OF HOSTESS AND Host.
Tact and self-possession are demanded of the host
ess, in order that she may perform her duties agree
ably , which are not onerous. She should instruct her
servants not to remove her plate until her guests
have finished .If she speaks of any omission by
which her servants have inconvenienced her guests,
she must do it with dignity, not betraying any undue
annoyance. She must put all her guests at their ease ,
and pay every possible attention to the requirements
of each and all around her. No accident must dis
turb her ; no disappointment embarrass her. If her
precious china and her rare glass are broken before
her eyes , she must seem to take but little or no notice
of it.
The host must aid the hostess in her efforts. He
should have ease and frankness of manner, a calmness
of temper that nothing can ruffle, and a kindness of
disposition that can never be exhausted. He must
encourage the timid, draw out the silent and direct
conyersation rather than sustain it himself.
No matter what may go wrong, a hostess should
never seem to notice it to the annoyance of her
guests. By passing it over herself, it will very fre
quently escape the attention of others. If her guests
arrive late, she should welcome them as cordially as
 DINNER PARTIES . 117

if they had come early, but she will commit a rudeness

to those who have arrived punctually, if she awaits
dir ner for tardy guests for more than the fifteen
minutes of grace prescribed by custom .
RETIRING FROM THE TABLE
When the hostess sees that all have finished , she
looks at the lady who is sitting at the right of the
host,and the company rise,and withdraw in the orderthey
are seated, without precedence. After retiring to the
drawing-room , the guests should intermingle in a social
• manner. It is expected that the guests will remain
from one to three hours after dinner.

ACCEPTING HOSPITALITY A SIGN OF GOOD WILL.

As eating with another under his own roof is in all

conditions of society regarded as a sign of good-will,
those who partake of proffered hospitalities, only to
gossip about and abuse their host and hostess, should
remember, that in the opinion of all honorable persons,
they injure themselves by so doing.
CALLS AFTER A DINNER PARTY,

Calls should be made shortly after a dinner party

by all who have been invited, whether the invitation
be excepted or not.
RETURNING HOSPITALITY .
Those who are in the habit of giving dinner
parties, should return the invitation before another is
118 DINNER PARTIES .

extended to them. Society is very severe upon those

who do not return debts of hospitality, if they have
the means to do so. If they never entertain anyone
because of limited means, or for other good reasons,
it is so understood, and it is not expected that they
should make exceptions; or if they are in the habit
of giving other entertainments and not dinners, their
debts of hospitality can be returned by invitations to
whatever the entertainment might be. Some are de
terred from accepting invitations by the feeling that
they cannot return the hospitality in so magnificent
a form . It is not the costly preparations, nor the
expensive repast offered which are the most agreeable
features of any entertainment but it is the kind and
friendly feeling shown. Those who are not deterred
from accepting such invitations for this reason , and
who enjoy the fruits of friendliness thus shown them ,
must possess narrow views of their duty, and very
little self-respect, if, when an opportunity presents
itself in any way to reciprocate the kind feeling mani
fested, they fail to avail themselves of it. True hos
pitality, however, neither expects nor desires any re
turn .

EXPENSIVE DINNERS NOT THE Most ENJOYABLE.

It is a mistake to think that in giving a dinner,
it is indispensable to have certain dishes and a variety
of wines, because others serve them . Those who en
tertain frequently often use their own discretion , and
never feel obliged to do as others do, if they wish to
 DINNER PARTIES. 119

do differently. Some of the most enjoyable dinners

given are those which are least expensive. It is this
mistaken feeling that people cannot entertain without
committing all sorts of extravagances, which causes
many persons, in every way well qualified to do in
calculable good socially, to exclude themselves from
all general society.
WINES AT DINNERS.

The menu of a dinner party is by some not re

garded as complete, unless it includes one or more
varieties of wine. When used it is first served after
soup, but any guest may, with propriety, decline
being served . This, however, must not be done
ostentatiously. Simply say to the waiter, or whoever
pours it, “ not any ; thank you.” Wine, offered at a
dinner party, should never be criticized, however poor
it may be. A person who has partaken of wine, may
also decline to have the glass filled again .
If the guests should include one or more people of
well-known temperance principles, in deference to the
scruples of these guests, wines or liquors should not
be brought to the table. People who entertain should
also be cautious as to serving wines at all. It is im
possible to tell what harm you may do to some of
your highly esteemed guests. It may be that your
palatable wines may create an appetite for the habit
ual use of wines or stronger alcoholic liquors ; or you
may renew a passion long controlled and entombed ;
or you may turn a wavering will from a seemingly
120 DINNER PARTIES .

steadfast resolution to forever abstain . This is an age

of reforms, the temperance reform being by no means
the least powerful of these, and no ladies or gentlemen
will be censured or misunderstood if they neglect to
supply their dinner table with any kind of intoxicat
ing liquor. The mistress of the White House, Mrs.
Hayes, has banished wines and liquors from her
table, and an example set by the “ first lady of the
land ” can be safely followed in every American
household , whatever may have been former prevailing
customs.
 CHAPTER X.

Table Hanners and Etiquelle.

STRUHE good-breeding of ladies or gentlemen is
nowhere more clearly shown than by their
manners at the table. There are so many
little points to be observed, that unless a
person is habitually accustomed to observe them , he
unconsciously commits some error, or will appear awk
ward and constrained upon occasions when it is im
portant to be fully at ease. To be thoroughly at ease
at such times is only acquired by the habitual practice
of good manners at the table, and is the result of
proper home training. It is the duty of parents to
accustom their children , by example as well as by
precept, to be attentive and polite to each other at
every meal, as well as to observe proper rules of
etiquette, and if they do so, they need never fear
that they will be rude or awkward when they go
abroad. Even when persons habitually eat alone, they
should pay due regard to the rules of etiquette, for
by so doing they form habits of ease and gracefulness
which are requisite in refined circles ; otherwise they
speedily acquire rude and awkward habits which they
( 121 )
122 TABLE MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE.

cannot shake off without great difficulty, and which

are at times embarrassing to themselves and their
friends. In private families it should be observed as
a rule to meet together at all meals of the day around
one common table, where the same rules of etiquette
should be igidly enforced, as though each member of
the family were sitting at a stranger's table. It is
only by this constant practice of the rules of good
behavior at home, that good manners become easy
when any of them go abroad .

THE BREAKFAST.

At the first meal of the day, even in the most

orderly households, an amount of freedom is allowed,
which would be unjustifiable at any other meal. The
nead of the house may look over his morning paper,
and the various other members may glance over cor
respondence or such books or studies as they are
interested in . Each may rise and leave the table
when business or pleasure dictates, without awaiting
for the others or for a general signal.
The breakfast table should be simply decorated,
yet it may be made very attractive with its snowy
cloth and napkins, its array of glass, and its orna
mentation of fruits and flowers. Bread should be
placed upon the table, cut in slices. In eating, it
must always be broken , never cut, and certainly not
bitten . Fruit should be served in abundance at break
fast whenever practicable. There is an old adage
 TABLE MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE. 123

which declares that “ fruit is gold in the morning, silver

at noon, and lead at night.”
LUNCHEON.

In many of our large cities, where business pre

vents the head of the family from returning to dinner
until a late hour, luncheon is served about midday
and serves as an early dinner for children and ser
vants. There is much less formality in the serving of
lunch than of dinner. It is all placed upon the table
at once, whether it consists of one or more courses .
Where only one or two are at luncheon, the repast
is ordinarily served on a tray .
DINNER .

The private family dinner should be the social

hour of the day. Then parents and children should
meet together, and the meal should be of such length
as to admit of the greatest sociality. It is an oid
saying that chatted food is half digested. The ut
most good feeling should prevail among all. Business
and domestic cares and troubles should be, for the
time, forgotten, and the pleasures of home most heart
ily enjoyed. In another chapter we have spoken at
length upon fashionable dinner parties.
THE KNIFE AND FORK.

The knife and fork were not made for playthings,

and should not be used as such when people are
waiting at the table for the food to be served . Do
124 TABLE MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE.

not hold them erect in your hands at each side of

your plate, nor cross them on your plate when you
have finished , nor make a noise with them . The
knife should only be used for cutting meats and hard
substances, while the fork, held in the left hand, is
used in carrying food into the mouth. A knife must
never, on any account, be put into the mouth . When
you send your plate to be refilled, do not send your
knife and fork , but put them upon a piece of bread ,
or hold them in your hand.
GREEDINESS.

To put large pieces of food into your mouth ap

pears greedy, and if you are addressed when your
mouth is so filled, you are obliged to pause, before
answering, until the vast mouthful is masticated, or
run the risk of choking, by swallowing it too hastily.
To eat very fast is also a mark of greediness, and
should be avoided. The same may be said of soak
ing up gravy with bread, scraping up sauce with a
spoon , scraping your plate and gormandizing upon
one or two articles of food only.
GENERAL RULES ON TABLE ETIQUETTE.
Refrain from making a noise when eating, or sup
ping from a spoon , and from smacking the lips or breath
ing heavily while masticating food, as they are marks
of ill-breeding. The lips should be kept closed in
eating as much as possible.
It is rude and awkward to elevate your elbows
 TABLE MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE . 125

and move your arms at the table, so as to incom

mode those on either side of you.
Whenever one or both hands are unoccupied, they
should be kept below the table, and not pushed upon
the table and into prominence.
Do not leave the table before the rest of the family
or guests, without asking the head, or host, to excuse
you, except at a hotel or boarding house.
Tea or coffee should never be poured into a saucer
to cool, but sipped from the cup.
If a person wishes to be served with more tea or
coffee, he should place his spoon in his saucer . If
he has had sufficient, let it remain in the cup.
If by chance anything unpleasant is found in the
food , such as a hair in the bread or a fly in the cof
fee, remove it without remark . Even though your
own appetite be spoiled, it is well not to prejudice
others.
Always make use of the butter-knife, sugar-spoon
and salt-spoon, instead of using your knife, spoon or
fingers.
Never, if possible, cough or sneeze at the table.
At home fold your napkin when you are done
with it and place it in your ring. If you are visit
ing, leave your napkin unfolded beside your plate.
Eat neither too fast nor too slow.
Never lean back in your chair, nor sit too near or
too far from the table.
Keep your elbows at your side, so that you may
not inconvenience your neighbors .
126 TABLE MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE .

Do not find fault with the food.

The old -fashioned habit of abstaining from taking
the last piece upon the plate is no longer observed .
It is to be supposed that the vacancy can be supplied,
if necessary
If a plate is handed you at the table, keep it your
self instead of passing it to a neighbor. If a dish is
passed to you, serve yourself first, and then pass it
on.
The host or hostess should not insist upon guests
partaking of particular dishes; nor ask persons more
than once, nor put anything on their plates which
they have declined . It is ill-bred to urge a person to
eat of anything after he has declined .
When sweet corn is served on the ear, the grain
should be pared from it upon the plate, instead of
being eaten from the cob .
Strive to keep the cloth as clean as possible, and
use the edge of the plate or a side dish for potato
skins and other refuse .
 OHAPTER XI .

Receptions, Parties and Balls.

ORNING receptions," as they are called, but
MOEmore correctly speaking, afternoon parties,
are generally held from four to seven o'clock
in the afternoon. Sometimes a sufficient
number for a quadrille arrange to remain after the
assemblage has for the most part dispersed .
THE DRESS.

The dress for receptions is, for men, morning dress;

for ladies, demi-toilet, with or without bonnet. No
low-necked dress nor short sleeves should be seen at
a day reception, nor white neck-ties and dress coats.
The material of a lady's costume may be of velvet,
silk, muslin , gauze or grenadine, according to the
season of the year, and taste of the wearer, but her
more elegant jewelry and laces should be reserved for
evening parties.
THE REFRESHMENTS .

The refreshments for “ morning receptions

generally light, consisting of tea, coffee, frozen punch,
( 127)
128 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.

claret punch, ices, fruit and cakes. Often a cold col

lation is spread after the lighter refreshments have been
served, and sometimes the table is set with all the
varieties, and renewed from time to time.
INVITATIONS.
Invitations to a reception are simple, and are usually
very informal. Frequently the lady's card is sent with
the simple inscription , “ At Home Thursday, from four
to seven . ” No answers are expected to these invita
tions, unless “ R. S. V. P.” is on one corner. One
visiting card is left by each person who is present, to
serve for the after call. No calls are expected from
those who attend . Those who are not able to be
present, call soon after.
MUSICAL MATINEES.

A matinee musicale, partakes of the nature of a recep

tion, and is one of the most difficult entertainments
attempted. For this it is necessary to secure those
persons possessing sufficient vocal and instrumental
talent to insure the success of the entertainment, and
to arrange with them a programme, assigning to each ,
in order, his or her part. It is customary to commence
with a piece of instrumental music, followed by solos,
duets, quartettes, etc. , with instrumental music inter
spersed, in not too great proportions. Some compe
tent person is needed as accompanist. It is the duty
of the hostess to maintain silence among her guests
during the performance of instrumental as well as
 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS . 129

vocal music. If any are unaware of the breach of

good manners they commit in talking or whisper
ing at such times, she should by a gesture endeavor to
acquaint them of the fact. It is the duty of the hostess
to see that the ladies are accompanied to the piano ;
that the leaves of the music are turned for them, and
that they are conducted to their seats again. When
not intimately acquainted with them, the hostess should
join in expressing gratification.
The dress at a musical matinee is the same as at a
reception, only bonnets are more generally dispensed
with. Those who have taken part, often remain for a
hot supper.
PARTIES IN THE COUNTRY .
Morning and afternoon parties in the country, or at
watering places, are of a less formal character than in
cities. The hostess introduces such of her guests as
she thinks most likely to be mutually agreeable. Music
or some amusement is essential to the success of such
parties.
SUNDAY HOSPITALITIES.
In this country it is not expected that persons will
call after informal hospitalities extended on Sunday.
All gatherings on that day ought to be informal. No
dinner parties are given on Sunday, or, at least, they
are not considered as good form in good society.
FIVE O'CLOCK TEA, COFFEE AND KETTLE - DRUM8.
Five o'clock tea , coffee and kettle - drums have re
9
130 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.

cently been introduced into this country from England.

For these invitations are usually issued on the lady's
visiting card, with the words written in the left hand
corner.
“ Five o'clock tea ,
Wednesday, October 6."
Or if for a kettle-drum :
“ Kettle -drum ,
Wednesday, October 6."
No answers are expected to these invitations, unless
there is an R. S. V. P. on the card. It is optional with
those who attend to leave cards. Those who do not
attend, call afterwards. The hostess receives her guests
standing, aided by other members of her family or inti
mate friends. For a kettle-drum there is usually a
crowd, and yet but few remain over half an hour — the
conventional time allotted — unless they are detained by
music or some entertaining conversation. A table set
in the dining room is supplied with tea, coffee, choco
late, sandwiches, buns and cakes, which constitute all
that is offered to the guests.
There is less fcrmality at a kettle - drum than at a
larger day reception. The time is spent in desultory
conversation with fricnds, in listening to music, or such
entertainment as has bcen provided.
Gentlemen wear the usual morning dress. Ladies
wear the demi- toilet, with or without bonnets.
At five o'clock tea ( or coffee), the equipage is on a side
table, together with plates of thin sandwiches, and of
cake. The pouring of the tea and passing of refresh
 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS . 131

ments are usually done by some members of the family

or friends, without the assistance of servants, where the
number assembled is small; for as a rule the people
who frequent these social gatherings, care more for
social intercourse than for eating and drinking.

MORE FORMAL ENTERTAINMENTS.

Evening parties and balls are of a much more formal

character than the entertainments that have been men
tioned. They require evening dress. Of late years,
however, evening dress is almost as much worn at grand
dinners as at balls and evening parties, only the ma
terial is not of so diaphanous a character. Lace and
muslin are out of place. Invitations to evening parties
should be sent from a week to two weeks in advance,
and in all cases they should be answered immediately.
BALLS.

The requisites for a successful ball are good music

and plenty of people to dance. An English writer says,
“ The advantage of the ball is, that it brings young
people together for a sensible and innocent recreation,
and takes them away from silly, if not from bad ones ;
that it gives them exercise, and that the general effect
of the beauty, elegance and brilliancy of a ball is to ele
vate rather than to deprave the mind.” It may be
that the round dance is monopolizing the ball room to
a too great extent, and it is possible that these may be
132 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.

so frequent as to mar the pleasure of some persons who

do not care to participate in them, to the exclusion of
“ square ” and other dances. America should not
be the only nation that confines ball room dancing to
waltzes, as is done in some of our cities. There should
be an equal number of waltzes and quadrilles, with one
or two contra dances, which would give an opportunity
to those who object (or whose parents object) to round
dances to appear on the floor.
PREPARATIONS FOR A BALL.
There should be dressing-rooms for ladies and gen
tlemen, with a servant or servants to each. There
should be cards with the names of the invited guests
upon them, or checks with duplicates to be given to
the guests ready to pin upon the wraps of each one.
Each dressing -room should be supplied with a complete
set of toilet articles. It is customary to decorate the
house elaborately with flowers. Although this is an
expensive luxury, it adds much to beautifying the
rooms.
THE MUSIC
Four musicians are enough for a “ dance." When
the dancing room is small, the flageolet is preferable to
the horn , as it is less noisy and marks the time as well.
The piano and violin form the mainstay of the band ;
but when the rooms are large enough, a larger band
may be employed .
THE DANCES.

The dances should be arranged beforehand, and for

 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 133

large balls programmes are printed with a list of the

dances. Usually a ball opens with a waltz, followed by
a quadrille, and these are succeeded by galops, lancers,
polkas, quadrilles and waltzes in turn .
INTRODUCTIONS AT A BALL.
Gentlemen who are introduced to ladies at a ball,
solely for the purpose of dancing, wait to be recog
nized before speaking with ladies upon meeting after
wards, but they are at liberty to recall themselves by
lifting their hats in passing. In England a ball-room
acquaintance rarely goes any farther, until they have
met at more balls than one ; so, also, a gentleman
cannot, after being introduced to a young lady, ask
her for more than two dances during the same evening.
In England an introduction given for dancing purposes
does not constitute acquaintanceship. With us, as in
Continental Europe, it does. It is for this reason that,
in England, ladies are expected to bow first, while on
the Continent it is the gentlemen who give the first
marks of recognition, as it should be here, or better
still, simultaneously, when the recognition is simultane
ous. It is as much the gentleman's place to bow (with
our mode of life) as it is the lady's. The one who
recognizes first should be the first to show that recog
nition . Introductions take place in a ball room in
order to provide ladies with partners, or between persons
residing in different cities. In all other cases permis
sion is asked before giving introductions. But where a
hostess is sufficiently discriminating in the selection of
134 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.
her guests, those assembled under her roof should
remember that they are, in a certain sense, made known
to one another, and ought, therefore, to be able to con
verse freely without introductions.
RECEIVING GUESTS.

The custom of the host and hostess receiving to

gether, is not now prevalent. The receiving devolves
upon the hostess, but it is the duty of the host to re
main within sight until after the arrivals are princi
pally over, that he may be easily found by anyone seek
ing him. The same duty devolves upon the sons, who,
that evening, must share their attentions with all. The
daughters, as well as the sons, will look after partners
for the young ladies who desire to dance, and they will
try to see that no one is neglected before they join the
dancers themselves.

AN AFTER -CALL.
After a ball, an after-call is due the lady of the house
at which you were entertained, and should be made as
within two weeks at the farthest.
soon as convenient
The call loses its significance entirely, and passes into
remissness, when a longer time is permitted to elapse.
If it is not possible to make a call, send your card or
leave it at the door. It has become customary of late
for a lady who has no weekly reception day, in sending
invitations to a ball, to inclose her card in each invita
tion for one or more receptions, in order that the after
calls due her may be made on that day.
 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 135

SUPPER.

The supper-room at a ball is thrown open generally

at twelve o'clock . The table is made as elegant as
beautiful china, cut-glass and an abundance of flowers
can make it. The hot dishes are oysters, stewed , fried,
broiled and scalloped , chicken, game, etc., and the cold
dishes are such as boned turkey, boeuf a la mode, chick
en salad, lobster salad and raw oysters. When supper
is announced, the host leads the way with the lady to
whom he wishes to show especial attention, who may
be an elderly lady, or a stranger or a bride. The
hostess remains until the last, with the gentleman who
takes her to supper, unless some distinguished guest is
present, with whom she leads the way. No gentleman
should ever go into the supper-room alone, unless he
has seen every lady enter before him . When ladies are
left unattended, gentlemen , although strangers, are at
liberty to offer their services in waiting upon them, for
the host and hostess are sufficient guarantees for the
respectability of their guests.
THE NUMBER TO INVITE.

Persons giving balls or dancing parties should be

careful not to invite more than their rooms will accom
modate, so as to avoid a crush . Invitations to crowded
balls are not hospitalities, but inflictions. A hostess
is usually safe, however, in inviting one- fourth more
than her rooms will hold, as that proportion of regrets
are apt to be received . People who do not dance will
136 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.

not, as a rule, expect to be invited to a ball or dancing

party.
DUTIES OF GUESTS.

Some persons may be astonished to learn that any

duties devolve upon the guests. In fact there are cir
cles where all such duties are ignored .
It is the duty of every person who has at first ac
cepted the invitation, and subsequently finds that it
will be impossible to attend, to send a regret, even at
the last moment, and as it is rude to send an accept
ance with no intention of going, those who so accept
will do well to remember this duty. It is the duty of
every lady who attends a ball, to make her toilet as
fresh as possible. It need not be expensive, but it
should at least be clean ; it may be simple, but it should
be neither soiled nor tumbled. The gentlemen should
wear evening dress.
It is the duty of every person to arrive as early as
possible after the hour named , when it is mentioned in
the invitation .
Another duty of guests is that each one should do all
in his or her power to contribute to the enjoyment of
the evening, and neither hesitate nor decline to be in
troduced to such guests as the hostess requests. It is
not binding upon any gentleman to remain one moment
longer than he desires with any lady. By constantly
moving from one to another, when he feels so inclined ,
he gives an opportunity to others to circulate as freely ;
and this custom , generally introduced in our society ,
 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 137

would go a long way toward contributing to the enjoy

ment of all. The false notion generally entertained
that a gentleman is expected to remain standing by the
side of a lady, like a sentinel on duty, until relieved by
some other person , is absurd, and deters many who
would gladly give a few passing moments to lady ac
quaintances, could they but know that they would be
free to leave at any instant that conversation flagged , or
that they desired to join another. In a society where
it is not considered a rudeness to leave after a few sen
tences with one, to exchange some words with another,
there is a constant interchange of civilities, and the men
circulate through the room with that charming freedom
which insures the enjoyment of all.
While the hostess is receiving, no person should re
main beside her except members of her family who
receive with her, or such friends as she has designated
to assist her. All persons entering should pass on to
make room for others.

SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR GENTLEMEN.

A gentleman should never attempt to step across a

lady's train. He should walk around it. If by any
accident he should tread upon any portion of her dress,
he must instantly beg her pardon, and if by greater
carelessness he should tear it, he must pause in his
course and offer to escort her to the dressing-room so
that she may have it repaired.
If a lady asks any favor of a gentleman , such as to
138 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.

send a servant to her with a glass of water, to take her

into the ball-room when she is without an escort, to
inquire whether her carriage is in waiting, or any of
the numerous services which ladies often require,
no gentleman will, under any circumstances, refuse her
request.
A really well- bred man will remember to ask the
daughters of a house to dance, as it is his imperative
duty to do so ; and if the ball has been given for a lady
who dances, he should include her in his attentions.
If he wishes to be considered a thorough -bred gentle
man , he will sacrifice himself occasionally to those who
are unsought and neglected in the dance. The con
sciousness of having performed a kind and courteous
action will be his reward.
When gentlemen, invited to a house on the occasion
of an entertainment, are not acquainted with all the
members of the family, their first duty, after speaking
to their host and hostess, is to ask some common
friend to introduce them to those members whom they
do not know. The host and hostess are often too much
occupied in receiving to be able to do this.
DUTIES OF AN ESCORT.

A lady's escort should call for her and accompany

her to the place of entertainment ; go with her as far
as the dressing -room , return to meet her there when
she is prepared to go to the ball-room ; enter the latter
room with her and lead her to the hostess ; dance the
 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 139

first dance with her; conduct her to the supper-room,

and be ready to accompany her home whenever she
wishes to go. He should watch during the evening to
see that she is supplied with dancing partners. When
he escorts her home she should not invite him to enter
the house, and even if she does so , he should by all
means decline the invitation . He should call upon her
within the next two days.
GENERAL RULES FOR BALLS.

A young man who can dance, and will not dance,

should stay away from a ball.
The lady with whom a gentleman dances last is the
one he takes to supper. Therefore he can make no en
gagement to take out any other, unless his partner is
already engaged.
Public balls are most enjoyable when you have your
own party. The great charm of a ball is its perfect
accord and harmony. All altercations, loud talking
and noisy laughter are doubly ill-mannered in a ball
room. Very little suffices to disturb the whole party.
In leaving a large ball, it is not deemed necessary to
wish the lady of the house a good -night. In leaving a
small dance or party, it is civil to do so.
The difference between a ball and an evening party
is, that at a ball there must be dancing, and at an even
ing party there may or may not be. A London author
ity defines a ball to be “ an assemblage for dancing, of
not less than seventy - five persons."
140 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.

Common civility requires that those who have not

been present, but who were among the guests invited,
should, when meeting the hostess the first time after
an entertainment, make it a point to express some
acknowledgment of their appreciation of the invitation,
by regretting their inability to be present.
When dancing a round dance, a gentleman should
never hold a lady's hand behind him, or on his hip, or
high in the air, moving her arm as though it were a
pump handle, as seen in some of our Western cities,
but should hold it gracefully by his side.
Never forget ball-room engagements, nor confuse
them, nor promise two dances to one person. If a lady
has forgotten an engagement, the gentleman she has
thus slighted must pleasantly accept her apology.
Good -breeding and the appearance of good temper are
inseparable.
It is not necessary for a gentleman to bow to his
partner after a quadrille ; it is enough that he offers his
arm and walks at least half way round the room with
her. He is not obliged to remain beside her unless he
wishes to do so , but may leave her with any lady whom
she knows.
Never be seen without gloves in a ball -room , or with
those of any other color than white, unless they are of
a most delicate hue .
Though not customary for a married couple to dance
together in society, those men who wish to show their
wives the compliment of such unusual attention, if they
 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS . 141

possess any independence, will not be deterred from do

ing so by their fear of any comments from Mrs. Grundy.
The sooner that we recover from the effects of the
Puritanical idea that clergymen should never be seen at
balls, the better for all who attend them. Where it is
wrong for a clergyman to go, it is wrong for any mem
ber of his church to be seen.
In leaving a ball room before the music has ceased , if
no members of the family are in sight, it is not necessary
to find them before taking your departure. If, how
ever, the invitation is a first one, endeavor not to make
your exit until you have thanked your hostess for the
entertainment. You can speak of the pleasure it has
afforded you, but it is not necessary that you should
say " it has been a grand success.”
Young ladies must be careful how they refuse to
dance, for unless a good reason is given, a gentleman
is apt to take it as evidence of personal dislike. After
a lady refuses, the gentleman should not urge her to
dance, nor should the lady accept another invitation for
the same dance. The members of the household should
see that those guests who wish to dance are pro
vided with partners.
Ladies leaving a ball or party should not allow gen
tlemen to see them to their carriages, unless overcoats
and hats are on for departure.
When balls are given, if the weather is bad, an awn
ing should be provided for the protection of those pass
ing from their carriages to the house. In all cases, a
142 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS .

broad piece of carpet should be spread from the door to

the carriage steps.
Gentlemen should engage their partners for the ap
proaching dance, before the music strikes up.
In a private dance, a lady cannot well refuse to dance
with any gentleman who invites her, unless she has a
previous engagement. If she declines from weariness,
the gentleman will show her a compliment by abstain
ing from dancing himself, and remaining with her while
the dance progresses.
 CHAPTER XII.

Eliquette of the Street.

HE manners of a person are clearly shown by
his treatment of the people he meets in the
public streets of a city or village, in public
conveyances and in traveling generally. The
true gentleman , at all times, in all places, and under
all circumstances, is kind and courteous to all he meets,
regards not only the rights, but the wishes and feelings
of others, is deferential to women and to elderly men,
and is ever ready to extend his aid to those who
need it.

THE STREET MANNERS OF A LADY.

The true lady walks the street, wrapped in a mantle

of proper reserve, so impenetrable that insult and coarse
familiarity shrink from her, while she, at the same time,
carries with her a congenial atmosphere which attracts
all, and puts all at their ease.
A lady walks quietly through the streets, seeing and
hearing nothing that she ought not to see and hear, re
cognizing acquaintances with a courteous bow , and
friends with words of greeting. She is always unobtru
(143)
144 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET.

sive, never talks loudly, or laughs boisterously, or does

anything to attract the attention of the passers-by. She
walks along in her own quiet lady-like way, and by her
preoccupation is secure from any annoyance to which a
person of less perfect breeding might be subjected.
A lady never demands attention and favors from a
gentleman, but, when voluntarily offered, accepts them
gratefully, graciously, and with an expression of hearty
thanks.

FORMING STREET ACQUAINTANCES.

A lady never forms an acquaintance upon the street,

or seeks to attract the attention or admiration of persons
of the other sex . To do so would render false her claims
to ladyhood, if it did not make her liable to far graver
charges.

RECOGNIZING FRIENDS IN THE STREET.

No one, while walking the streets, should fail, through
preoccupation, or absent-mindedness, to recognize friends
or acquaintances, either by a bow or some form of salu
tation. If two gentlemen stop to talk , they should retire
to one side of the walk. If a stranger should be in com
pany with one of the gentleman, an introduction is not
necessary. If a gentleman meets another gentleman in
company with a lady whom he does not know , he lifts
his hat to salute them both. If he knows the lady, he
should salute her first. The gentleman who accom
 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 145

panies a lady, always returns a salutation made to her.

A CROWDED STREET.

When a gentleman and lady are walking in the street,

if at any place, by reason of the crowd, or from other
cause, they are compelled to proceed singly, the gentle
man should always precede his companion.
INTRUSIVE INQUIRIES

If you meet or join or are visited by a person who

has any article whatever, under his arm or in his hand,
and he does not offer to show it to you, you should not,
even if he be your most intimate friend, take it from
him and look at it. That intrusive curiosity is very
inconsistent with the delicacy of a well-bred man, and
always offends in some degree.
THE FIRST TO Bow.

In England strict etiquette requires that a lady,

meeting upon the street a gentleman with whom she
has acquaintance, shall give the first bow of recognition.
In this country, however, good sense does not insist
upon an imperative following of this rule. A well -bred
man bows and raises his hat to every lady of his ac
quaintance whom he meets, without waiting for her to
take the initiative. If she is well-bred, she will cer
tainly respond to his salutation. As politeness requires
that each salute the other, their salutations will thus
be simultaneous.
10
146 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET.

ALWAYS RECOGNIZE ACQUAINTANCES.

One should always recognize lady acquaintances in
the street, either by bowing or words of greeting, a
gentleman lifting his hat. If they stop to speak, it
is not obligatory to shake hands. Shaking hands is
not forbidden , but in most cases it is to be avoided in
public.
BOWING TO STRANGERS WITH FRIENDS.
If a gentleman meets a friend, and the latter has &
stranger with him , all three should bow. If the gen
tleman stops his friend to speak to him, he should
apologize to the stranger for detaining him. If the
stranger is a lady, the same deference should be shown
as if she were an acquaintance.

Do not LACK POLITENESS.

Never hesitate in acts of politeness for fear they
will not be recognized or returned . One cannot be
too polite so long as he conforms to rules, while it is
easy to lack politeness by neglect of them . Besides,
if courtesy is met by neglect or rebuff, it is not for
the courteous person to feel mortification, but the
boorish one ; and so all lookers-on will regard the
matter.

TALKING WITH A LADY IN THE STREET.

In meeting a lady it is optional with her whether
she shall pause to speak. If the gentleman has any
thing to say to her, he should not stop her, but turn
 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 147

around and walk in her company until he has said

what he has to say, when he may leave her with a bow
and lift of the hat.

LADY AND GENTLEMAN WALKING TOGETHER.

A gentleman walking with a lady should treat her
with the most scrupulous politeness, and may take either
side of the walk. It is customary for the gentleman
to have the lady on his right hand side, and he
offers her his right arm , when walking arm in arm. If,
however, the street is crowded , the gentleman must
keep the lady on that side of him where she will be the
least exposed to crowding.

OFFERING THE ARM TO A LADY.

A gentleman should, in the evening, or whenever her

safety, comfort or convenience seems to require it, offer
a lady companion his arm . At other times it is not
customary to do so unless the parties be husband and wife
or engaged. In the latter case , it is not always advisa
ble to do so , as they may be made the subject of unjust
remarks.

KEEPING STEP.

In walking together, especially when arm in arm , it is

desirable that the two keep step. Ladies should be par
ticular to adapt their pace as far as practicable, to that
of their escort. It is easily done.
148 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET.

OPENING THE DOOR FOR A LADY.

A gentleman should always hold open the door for a
lady to enter first. This is obligatory , not only in the
case of the lady who is with him, but also in that of any
strange lady who chances to be about to enter at the
same time.

ANSWERING QUESTIONS.
A gentleman will answer courteously any questions
which a lady may address to him upon the street, at the
same time lifting his hat, or at least touching it respect
fully.
SMOKING UPON THE STREETS.
In England a well-bred man never smokes upon the
streets. While this rule does not hold good in this
country, yet no gentleman will ever insult a lady by
smoking in the streets in her company, and in meeting
and saluting a lady he will always remove his cigar from
his mouth .

OFFENSIVE BEHAVIOR.
No gentleman is ever guilty of the offense of standing
on street corners and the steps of hotels or other public
places and boldly scrutinizing every lady who passes.
CARRYING PACKAGES.

A gentleman will never permit a lady with whom he

is walking to carry a package of any kind, but will in
 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 149

sist upon relieving her of it. He may even accost a lady

when he sees her overburdened and offer his assistance,
if their ways lie in the same direction.
SHOUTING.

Never speak to your acquaintances from one side of

the street to the other. Shouting is a certain sign of
vulgarity. First approach, and then make your com
munication to your acquaintance or friend in a moder
ately loud tone of voice.
Two GENTLEMEN WALKING WITH A LADY.
When two gentlemen are walking with a lady in the
street they should not be both upon the same side of
her, but one of them should walk upon the outside and
the other upon the inside.
CROSSING THE STREET WITH A LADY.
If a gentleman is walking with a lady who has his
arm, and they cross the street, it is better not to disen .
gage the arm, and go round upon the outside. Such
effort evinces a palpable attention to form , and that is
always to be avoided .
FULFILLING AN ENGAGEMENT.
When on your way to fill an engagement, if a end
stops you on the street you may, without committing
a breach of etiquette, tell him of your appointment,
and release yourself from any delay that may be
150 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET .

occasioned by a long talk ; but do so in a courteous

manner, expressing regret for the necessity.
WALKING WITH A LADY ACQUAINTANCE.
A gentleman should not join a lady acquaintance on
the street for the purpose of walking with her, unless
he ascertains that his company would be perfectly
agreeable to her. It might be otherwise, and she
should frankly say so, if asked.
PASSING BEFORE A LADY .
When a lady wishes to enter a store, house or room,
if a gentleman accompanies her, he should hold the
door open and allow her to enter first, if practicable;
for a gentleman must never pass before a lady anywhere
if he can avoid it, or without an apology.
SHOPPING ETIQUETTE.
In inquiring for goods at a store or shop, do not say
to the clerk or salesman , “ I want” such an article, but,
Please show me such an article, or some other polite
form of address,
You should never take hold of a piece of goods or an
article which another person is examining. Wait until
it is replaced upon the counter, when you are at liberty
to examine it.
It is rude to interrupt friends whom you meet in a
store before they have finished making their pur
chases, or to ask their attention to your own pur
chases. It is rude to offer your opinion unasked ,
 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 151

upon their judgment or taste, in the selection of

goods.
It is rude to sneer at and depreciate goods, and ex
ceedingly discourteous to the salesman. Use no deceit,
but be honest with them , if you wish them to be honest
with you .
Avoid “ jewing down ” the prices of articles in any
way. If the price does not suit, you may say so quietly,
and depart, but it is generally best to say nothing
about it.
It is an insult for the salesman to offensively suggest
that you can do better elsewhere, which should be
resented by instant departure.
Ladies should not monopolize the time and attention
of salesmen in small talk, while other customers are in
the store to be waited upon .
Whispering in a store is rude. Loud and showy
behavior is exceedingly vulgar.
ETIQUETTE FOR PUBLIC CONVEYANCES.
In street cars, omnibuses and other public street
conveyances, it should be the endeavor of each pas
senger to make room for all persons entering, and no
gentleman will retain his seat when there are ladies
standing. When a lady accepts a seat from a gentle
man, she expresses her thanks in a kind and pleasant
manner.
A lady may, with perfect propriety, accept the offer
of services from a stranger in alighting from , or enter
ing an omnibus or other public conveyance , and should
152 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET.

always acknowledge the courtesy with a pleasant

“Thank you, sir ,” or a bow .
Never talk politics or religion in a public convey
ance .

Gentlemen should not cross their legs, nor stretch

their feet out into the passage -way of a public con
veyance.
AVOID CUTTING .

No gentleman will refuse to recognize a lady after she

has recognized him, under any circumstances. A young
lady should , under no provocation, “ cut” a married lady,
It is the privilege of age to first recognize those who are
younger in years. No young man will fail to recognize
an aged one after he has met with recognition. “ Cut
ting" is to be avoided if possible. There are other ways
of convincing a man that you do not know him, yet, to
young ladies, it is sometimes the only means available to
rid them of troublesome acquaintances. * Cutting"
consists in returning a bow or recognition with a stare,
and is publicly ignoring the acquaintance of the person
so treated . It is sometimes done by words in saying,
“ Really I have not the pleasure of your acquaintance. "
AVOIDING CARRIAGES.
For a lady to run across the street to avoid an ap
proaching carriage is inelegant and also dangerous. To
attempt to cross the street between the carriages of a fu
neral procession, is rude and disrespectful. The foreign
custom of removing the hat and standing in a respectful
 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 153

attitude until the melancholy train has passed, is a

commendable one to be followed in this country.
KEEP TO THE RIGHT.
On meeting and passing people in the street, keep to
your right hand, except when a gentleman is walking
alone ; then he must always turn aside to give the pre
ferred side of the walk to a lady , to anyone carry
ing a heavy load, to a clergyman or to an old gentle
man .

SOME GENERAL SUGGESTIONS.

If a gentleman is walking with two ladies in a rain
storm , and there is but one umbrella, he should give it
to his companions and walk outside. Nothing can be
more absurd than to see a gentleman walking between
two ladies holding an umbrella which perfectly protects
himself, but half deluges his companions with its drip
ping streams.
Never turn a corner at full speed or you may find
yourself knocked down, or may knock down another, by
the violent contact. Always look in the way you are
going or you may chance to meet some awkward col
lision .
A young lady should, if possible, avoid walking alone
in the street after dark. If she passes the evening with
a friend, provision should be made beforehand for an es
cort. If this is not practicable, the person at whose
house she is visiting should send a servant with her, or
some proper person — a gentleman acquaintance present,
154 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET.

or her own husband — to perform the duty. A married

lady may, however, disregard this rule, if circumstances
prevent her being able to conveniently find an escort.
A gentleman will always precede a lady up a flight of
stairs, and allow her to precede him in going down. '
Do not quarrel with a hack -driver about his fare, but
pay him and dismiss him. If you have a complaint to
make against him, take his name and make it to the
proper authorities. It is rude to keep a lady waiting
while you are disputing with a hack -man.
 CHAPTER XIII .

Etiquette of Public Places.

LL well-bred persons will conduct themselves
at all times and in all places with perfect de
corum. Wherever they meet people they will
be found polite, considerate of the comfort,
convenience and wishes of others, and unobtrusive in
their behavior. They seem to know , as if by instinct,
how to conduct themselves, wherever they may go , or
in whatever society they may be thrown. They con
sider at all times the fitness of things, and their actions
and speech are governed by feelings of gentleness and
kindness towards everybody with whom they come into
social relations, having a due consideration for the
opinions and prejudices of others, and doing nothing to
wound their feelings. Many people, however, either
from ignorance, thoughtlessness or carelessness, are con
stantly violating some of the observances of etiquette
pertaining to places of public assemblages. It is for
this reason that rules are here given by which may be
regulated the conduct of people in various public gath
erings, where awkwardness and ostentatious display
often call forth unfavorable criticism .
( 155 )
156 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES.

CONDUCT IN CHURCH.

A gentleman should remove his hat upon entering

the auditorium.
When visiting a strange church, you should wait in
the vestibule until an usher appears to show you to a
seat.
A gentleman may walk up the aisle either a little
ahead of, or by the side of a lady, allowing the lady to
first enter the pew . There should be no haste in pass
ing up the aisle.
People should preserve the utmost silence and
decorum in church , and avoid whispering, laughing,
staring, or making a noise of any kind with the feet
or hands.
It is ill-mannered to be late at church . If one is
unavoidably late, it is better to take a pew as near the
door as possible.
Ladies always take the inside seats, and gentlemen
the outside or head of the pew . When a gentleman
accompanies a lady, however, it is customary for him to
Bit by her side during church services.
A person should never leave church until the services
are over, except in some case of emergency.
Do not turn around in your seat to gaze at anyone,
to watch the choir, to look over the congregation or
to see the cause of any disturbing noise.
If books or fans are passed in church, let them be
offered and accepted or refused with a silent gesture of
the head .
 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 157

It is courteous to see that strangers are provided with

books ; and if the service is strange to them , the places
for the day's reading should be indicated.
It is perfectly proper to offer to share the prayer-book
or hymn-book with a stranger if there is no separate
book for his use.
In visiting & church of a different belief from your
own, pay the utmost respect to the services and conform
in all things to the observances of the church-that is,
kneel, sit and rise with the congregation. No matter
how grotesquely some of the forms and observances may
strike you , let no smile or contemptuous remark indi
cate the fact while in the church.
When the services are concluded, there should be no
haste in crowding up the aisle, but the departure should
be conducted quietly and decorously. When the vesti
bule is reached, it is allowable to exchange greetings with
friends, but here there shculd be no loud talking nor
boisterous laughter. Neither should gentlemen congre
gate in knots in the vestibule or upon the steps of the
church and compel ladies to run the gauntlet of their
eyes and tongues.
If a Protestant gentleman accompanies a lady who is
a Roman Catholic to her own church, it is an act of
courtesy to offer the holy water. This he must do with
the ungloved right hand.
In visiting a church for the mere purpose of seeing
the edifice, one should always go at a time when there
are no services being held. If people are even then found
158 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES .

at their devotions, as is apt to be the case in Roman

Catholic churches especially, the demeanor of the visitor
should be respectful and subdued and his voice low, so
that he may not disturb them .
INVITATION TO OPERA OR CONCERT.

A gentleman upon inviting a lady to accompany him

to opera, theatre, concert or other public place of amuse
ment, must send his invitation the previous day. The
la ly must reply immediately, so that if she declines,
there shall yet be time for the gentleman to secure
another companion.
It is the gentleman's duty to secure good seats for
the entertainment, or else he or his companion may be
obliged to take up with seats where they can neither
see nor hear.

CONDUCT IN OPERA, THEATER OR PUBLIC HALL

On entering the hall, theater or opera house the
gentleman should walk side by side with his com
panion unless the aisle is too narrow , in which case he
should precede her. Upon reaching the seats, he should
allow her to take the inner one, assuming the outer one
himself.
A gentleman should , on no account, leave the lady's
side from the beginning to the close of the perform
ance .
If it is a promenade concert or opera, the lady may
be invited to promenade during the intermission. If
she declines, the gentleman must retain his position by
her side.
 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES . 159

There is no obligation whatever upon a gentleman

to give up his seat to a lady. On the contrary, his duty
is solely to the lady whom he accompanies. He must
remain beside her during the evening to converse with
her between the acts, and to render the entertainment
as agreeable to her as possible.
During the performance complete quiet should be
preserved , that the audience may not be prevented
from seeing or hearing. Between the acts it is per..
fectly proper to converse, but it should be done in a
low tone, so as not to attract attention. Neither
should one whisper. There should be no loud talking,
boisterous laughter, violent gestures, lover - like demon
strations or anything in manners or speech to attract
the attention of others.
It is proper and desirable that the actors be ap
plauded when they deserve it. It is their only means
of knowing whether they are giving satisfaction.
The gentleman should see that the lady is provided
with a programme, and with libretto also if they are
attending opera.
In passing out at the close of the performance the
gentleman should precede the lady, and there should
be no crowding or pushing.
If the means of the gentleman warrant him in so
doing, he should call for his companion in a carriage.
This is especially necessary if the evening is stormy.
He should call sufficiently early to allow them to reach
their destination before the performance commences .
160 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES .

It is unjust to the whole audience to come in late and

make a disturbance in obtaining seats .
The gentleman should ask permission to call upon the
lady on the following day, which permission she
should grant ; and if she be a person of delicacy and
tact, she will make him feel that he has conferred a
real pleasure upon her by his invitation. Even if
she finds occasion for criticism in the performance,
she should be lenient in this respect, and seek for
points to praise instead, that he may not feel regret
at taking her to an entertainment which has proved
unworthy.
REMAIN UNTIL THE PERFORMANCE CLOSES.

At a theatrical or operatic performance, you should

remain seated until the performance is concluded and
the curtain falls. It is exceedingly rude and ill-bred
to rise and leave the hall while the play is drawing
to a close, yet this severely exasperating practice has
of late been followed by many well-meaning people,
who, if they were aware of the extent to which they
outraged the feelings of many of the audience, and
unwittingly offered an insult to the actors on the
stage, would shrink from repeating such flagrantly
rude conduct.

CONDUCT IN PICTURE -GALLERIES.

In visiting picture galleries one should always main

tain the deportment of a gentleman or a lady, Make
no loud comments and do not seek to show superior
 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 161

knowledge in art matters by gratuitous criticism. If

you have not an art education you will probably only
be giving publicity to your own ignorance. Do not
stand in conversation before a picture, and thus obstruct
the view of others who wish to see rather than talk.
If you wish to converse with anyone on general subjects,
draw to one side, out of the way of those who want
to look at the pictures.
CONDUCT AT CHARITY FAIRS.
In visiting a fancy fair make no comments on either
the articles or their price, unless you can praise. If
you want them , pay the price demanded, or let them
alone. If you can conscientiously praise an article, by
all means do so, as you may be giving pleasure to the
maker if she chances to be within hearing. If you
have a table at a fair, use no unladylike means to
obtain buyers. Not even the demands of charity can
justify you in importuning others to purchase articles
against their own judgment or beyond their means.
Never appear so beggarly as to retain the change,
if a larger amount is presented than the price. Offer
the change promptly, when the gentleman will be at
liberty to donate it if he thinks best, and you may ac
cept it with thanks. He is, however, under no obliga
tion whatever to make such donation,
Be guilty of no loud talking or laughing, and by
all means avoid conspicuous flirting in so public a
place.
As a gentleman must always remove his hat in the
11
162 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES.

presence of ladies, so he should remain with head un

covered, carrying his hat in his hand, in a public place
of this character.

CONDUCT IN AN ARTIST'S STUDIO,

If you have occasion to visit an artist's studio, by

no means meddle with anything in the room. Reverse
no picture which stands or hangs with face to the
wall; open no portfolio without permission, and do
not alter by a single touch any lay - figure or its drapery,
piece of furniture or article of vertu posed as a model.
You do not know with what care the artist may have
arranged these things, nor what trouble the disarrange
ment may cost him.
Use no strong expression either of delight or disap
probation at anything presented for your inspection . If
a picture or a statue pleases you, show your approval
and appreciation by close attention, and a few quiet, well
chosen words, rather than by extravagant praise.
Do not ask the artist his prices unless you really in
tend to become a purchaser ; and in this case it is best
to attentively observe his works, make your choice, and
trust the negotiation to a third person or to a written
correspondence with the artist after. the visit is con
cluded . You may express your desire for the work and
obtain the refusal of it from the artist. If you desire to
conclude the bargain at once you may ask his price, and if
he names a higher one than you wish to give, you may
say as much and mention the sum you are willing to pay,
 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 163

when it will be optional with the artist to maintain his

first price or accept your offer.
It is not proper to visit the studio of an artist except
by special invitation or permission, and at an appointed
time, for you cannot estimate how much you may dis
turb him at his work. The hours of daylight are all
golden to him ; and steadiness of hand in manipulating
a pencil is sometimes only acquired each day after hours
of practice, and may be instantly lost on the irruption
and consequent interruption of visitors.
Never take a young child to a studio, for it may do
much mischief in spite of the most careful watching.
At any rate, the juvenile visitor will try the artist's
temper and nerves by keeping him in a constant state
of apprehension.
If you have engaged to sit for your portrait never
keep the artist waiting one moment beyond the ap
pointed time. If you do so you should in justice pay
for the time you make him lose.
A visitor should never stand behind an artist and
watch him at his work ; for if he be a man of ner
vous temperament it will be likely to disturb him
greatly.
GENTLEMEN PASSING BEFORE LADIES.
Gentlemen having occasion to pass before ladies who
are already seated in lecture and concert rooms, theaters
and other places, should beg pardon for disturbing
them ; passing with their faces and never with their
backs toward them.
164 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES.
WHERE GENTLEMEN MAY KEEP THEIR HATS ON.
At garden parties and at all assemblies held in the
open air, gentlemen keep their hats on their heads.
If draughts of cold air, or other causes, make it neces
sary for them to retain their hats on their heads,
when in the presence of ladies within doors, they ex
plain the necessity and ask the permission of the ladies
whom they accompany.
 CHAPTER XIV.

Etiquette of Traveling.
N these days of railroad travel, when every rail
way is equipped with elegant coaches for the
comfort, convenience and sometimes luxury
of its passengers, and provided with gentle
manly conductors and servants, the longest journeys by
railroad can be made alone by self-possessed ladies with
perfect safety and but little annoyance. Then, too, a
lady who deports herself as such may travel from the
Atlantic to the Pacific, from Maine to the Gulf of Mex
ico, and meet with no affront or insult, but on the con
trary receive polite attentions at every point, from men
who may chance to be her fellow -travelers. This may
be accounted for from the fact that, as a rule in
America, all men show a defferential regard for women,
and are especially desirous of showing them such atten
tions as will render a long and lonesome journey as
pleasant as possible.
DUTIES OF AN ESCORT.

However self-possessed and ladylike in all her de

portment and general bearing a lady may be, and
( 165 )
166 ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING .

though capable of undertaking any journey, howsoever

long it may be, an escort 18 at all times much more pleas
ant, and generally acceptable. When a gentleman under
takes the escort of a lady, he should proceed with her
to the depot, or meet her there, a sufficient time before
the departure of the train to attend to the checking of
her baggage, procure her ticket, and obtain for her an
eligible seat in the cars, allowing her to choose such
seat as she desires. He will then dispose of her pack
ages and hand -baggage in their proper receptacle, and
make her seat and surroundings as agreeable for her as
possible, taking a seat near her, or by the side of her if
she requests it, and do all he can to make her journey
a pleasant one.
Upon arriving at her destination, he should conduct
her to the ladies' waiting-room or to a carriage, until
he has attended to her baggage, which he arranges to
have delivered where the lady requests it. He should
then escort her to whatever part of the city she is going
and deliver her into the hands of her friends before
relaxing his care. On the following day he should call
upon her to inquire after her health. It is optional
with the lady whether the acquaintance shall be pro
longed or not after this call. If the lady does not wish
to prolong the acquaintance, she can have no right, nor
can her friends, to request a similar favor of him at
another time.

THE DUTY OF A LADY TO HER ESCORT.

The lady may supply her escort with a sum of money
 ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING . 167

ample to pay all the expenses of the journey before pur

chasing her ticket, or furnish him the exact amount
required , or, at the suggestion of her escort, she may
allow him to defray the expenses from his own pocket,
and settle with him at the end of the journey. The
latter course, however, should only be pursued when
the gentleman suggests it, and a strict account of the
expenses incurred must be insisted on.
A lady should give her attendant as little trouble
and annoyance as possible, and she should make no
unnecessary demands upon his good nature and gentle
manly services. Her hand -baggage should be as small
as circumstances will permit, and when once disposed
of, it should remain undisturbed until she is about to
leave the car, unless she should absolutely require it.
As the train nears the end of her journey, she will
deliberately gather together her effects preparatory to
departure, so that when the train stops she will be
ready to leave the car at once and not wait to hur
riedly grab her various parcels, or cause her escort
unnecessary delay.

A LADY TRAVELING ALONE.

A lady, in traveling alone, may accept services from

her fellow -travelers, which she should always ac
knowledge graciously. Indeed, it is the business of a
gentleman to see that the wants of an unescorted lady
are attended to. He should offer to raise or lower her
window if she seems to have any difficulty in doing it
168 ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING .

herself. He may offer his assistance in carrying her

packages upon leaving the car , or in engaging a carriage
or obtaining a trunk . Still, women should learn to be
as self-reliant as possible ; and young women particu
larly should accept proffered assistance from strangers,
in all but the slightest offices, very rarely.
LADIES MAY ASSIST OTHER LADIES.
It is not only the right, but the duty of ladies to
render any assistance or be of any service to younger
ladies, or those less experienced in traveling than them
selves. They may show many little courtesies which
will make the journey less tedious to the inexperienced
traveler, and may give her important advice or assist
ance which may be of benefit to her. An acquaintance
formed in traveling, need never be retained afterwards.
It is optional whether it is or not.
THE COMFORT OF OTHERS.
In seeking his own comfort, no passenger has a
right to overlook or disregard that of others. If for
his own comfort, he wishes to raise or lower a window
he should consult the wishes of passengers immediately
around him before doing so. The discomforts of
traveling should be borne cheerfully, for what may
enhance your own comfort may endanger the health of
some fellow -traveler.

ATTENDING TO THE WANTS OF OTHERS.

See everywhere and at all times that ladies and
 ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING . 169

elderly people have their wants supplied before you.

think of your own . Nor is there need for unmanly
haste or pushing in entering or leaving cars or boats.
There is always time enough allowed for each passenger
to enter in a gentlemanly manner and with a due regard
to the rights of others.
If, in riding in the street-cars or crossing a ferry,
your friend insists on paying for you, permit him to do
so without serious remonstrance. You can return the
favor at some other time.

READING WHEN TRAVELING.

If a gentleman in traveling, either on cars or steam

boat, has provided himself with newspapers or other
reading, he should offer them to his companions first.
If they are refused, he may with propriety read him
self, leaving the others free to do the same if they
wish .
OCCUPYING TOO MANY SEATS.

No lady will retain possession of more than her right

ful seat in a crowded car. When others are looking
for accommodations she should at once and with all
cheerfulness so dispose of her baggage that the seat
beside her may be occupied by anyone who desires it,
no matter how agreeable it may be to retain possession
of it.
It shows a great lack of proper manners to see two
ladies, or a lady and gentleman turn over the seat in
front of them and fill it with their wraps and bundles,
170 ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING .

retaining it in spite of the entreating or remonstrating

looks of fellow -passengers. In such a case any person
who desires a seat is justified in reversing the back , re
moving the baggage and taking possession of the
unused seat.

RETAINING POSSESSION OF A SEAT.

A gentleman in traveling may take possession of a

seat and then go to purchase tickets or look after bag
gage or procure a lunch, leaving the seat in charge of a
companion, or depositing traveling -bag or overcoat
upon it to show that it is engaged. When a seat is
thus occupied, the right of possession must be re
spected, and no one should presume to take a seat thus
previously engaged, even though it may be wanted for
a lady. A gentleman cannot, however, in justice, va
cate his seat to take another in the smoking -car, and at
the same time reserve his rights to the first seat. He
pays for but one seat, and by taking another he forfeits
the first.
It is not required of a gentleman in a railway car to
relinquish his seat in favor of a lady, though a gentle
man of genuine breeding will do so rather than allow
the lady to stand or to suffer inconvenience from poor
accommodations.
In the street cars the case is different. No woman
should be allowed to stand while there is a seat occu
pied by a man. The inconvenience to the man will be
temporary and trifling at the most, and he can well
 ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING . 171

afford to suffer it rather than do an uncourteous act.

DISCRETION IN FORMING ACQUAINTANCES.

While an acquaintance formed in a railway car or on
a steamboat, continues only during the trip, discretion
should be used in making acquaintances. Ladies may,
as has been stated, accept small courtesies and favors
from strangers, but must check at once any attempt
ri nten
at familiarity. On the other hand, no man who pre Ce
tends to be a gentleman will attempt any familiarity.
The practice of some young girls just entering into
womanhood, of flirting with any young man they may
chance to meet, either in a railway car or on a steam
boat, indicates low -breeding in the extreme. If,
however, the journey is long, and especially if it be
on a steamboat, a certain sociability may be allowed ,
and a married lady or a lady of middle age may use
her privileges to make the journey an enjoyable one,
for fellow -passengers should always be sociable to one
another .
 CHAPTER XV.

Riding and Driving.

NE of the most exhilarating and enjoyable
amusements that can be indulged in by either
ladies or gentlemen is that of riding on horse
back , and it is a matter of regret that it is not
participated in to a much greater extent than it is.
The etiquette of riding, though meagre, is exact and
important.
LEARNING TO RIDE.

The first thing to do is to learn to ride, and no one

should attempt to appear in public until a few prelimin
ary lessons in riding are taken . Until a person has
learned to appear at ease on horseback, he or she should
not appear in public. The advice given in the old
rhyme should be kept in mind, viz :
Keep up your head and your heart,
Your hands and your heels keep down;
Press your knees close to your horse's sides,
And your elbows close to your own.
THE GENTLEMAN'S DUTY AS AN ESCORT.

When a gentleman contemplates riding with a lady,

( 172)
 RIDING AND DRIVING. 173

his first duty is to see that her horse is a proper one

for her use, and one that she can readily manage. He
must see that her saddle and bridle are perfectly secure ,
and trust nothing of this kind to the stable men, with
out personal examination. He must be punctual at the
appointed hour, and not keep the lady waiting for him
clad in her riding costume. He should see the lady
comfortably seated in her saddle before he mounts him
self; take his position on the lady's right, in riding,
open all gates and pay all tolls on the road

ASSISTING A LADY TO MOUNT.

The lady will place herself on the left side of
the horse, standing as close to it as possible, with her
skirt gathered in her left han], her right hand upon
the pommel, and her face toward the horse's head. The
gentleman should stand at the horse's shoulder, facing
the lady, and stooping, hold his hand so that she may
place her foot in it. This she does, when the foot is
lifted as she springs, so as to gently aid her in gaining
the saddle. The gentleman must then put her foot in
the stirrup, smooth the skirt of her riding habit, and
give her the reins and her riding whip.

RIDING WITH LADIES.

In riding with one lady, a gentleman takes his

position to the right of her. When riding with two or
more, his position is still to the right, unless one of
174 RIDING AND DRIVING .

Them needs his assistance or requests his presence near

Hier. He must offer all the courtesies of the road, and
yield the best and shadiest side to the ladies. The lady
must always decide upon the pace at which to ride. It
is ungenerous to urge her or incite her horse to a faster
gait than she feels competent to undertake.
If a gentleman , when riding alone, meets a lady who
is walking and wishes to enter into conversation with
her, he must alight and remain on foot while talking
with her.
ASSISTING A LADY TO ALIGHT FROM HER HORSE.
After the ride, the gentleman must assist his com
panion to alight. She must first free her knee from
the pommel, and be certain that her habit is entirely
disengaged . He must then take her left hand in his
right, and offer his left hand as a step for her foot. He
then lowers his hand slowly and allows her to reach the
ground gently without springing. A lady should not
attempt to spring from the saddle.
DRIVING .

The choicest seat in a double carriage is the one

facing the horses, and gentlemen should always yield
this seat to the ladies. If only one gentleman and one
lady are riding in a two-seated carriage, the gentleman
must sit opposite the lady, unless she invites him
to a seat by her side. The place of honor is on the
right hand of the seat facing the horses. This is also
the seat of the hostess, which she never resigns. If she
 RIDING AND DRIVING . 175

is not driving, it must be offered to the most distin

guished lady. A person should enter a carriage with
the back to the seat, so as to prevent turning round
in the carriage. A gentleman must be careful not
to trample upon or crush a lady's dress. In driving,
one should always remember that the rule of the road
in meeting and passing another vehicle is to keep to
the right.
ASSISTING LADIES TO ALIGHT.
A gentleman must first alight from a carriage, even
if he has to pass before a lady in doing so. He must
then assist the ladies to alight. If there is a servant
with the carriage, the latter may hold open the door,
but the gentleman must by all means furnish the
ladies the required assistance. If a lady has occasion
to leave the carriage before the gentleman accompany
ing her, he must alight to assist her out, and if she
wishes to resume her seat, he must again alight to
help her to do so .
In assisting a lady to enter a carriage, a gentleman
will take care that the skirt of her dress is not allowed
to hang outside. A carriage robe should be provided
to protect her dress from the mud or dust of the road .
The gentleman should provide the lady with her para
sol, fan and shawl, and see that she is comfortable in
every way, before he seats himself.
TRUSTING THE DRIVER.
While driving with another who holds the reins, you
176 RIDING AND DRIVING.

must not interfere with the driver, as anything of this

kind implies a reproof, which is very offensive. If you
think his conduct wrong, or are in fear of danger re
sulting from his driving, you may delicately suggest a
change, apologizing therefor. You should resign your
self to the driver's control, and be perfectly calm and
self -possessed during the course of a drive.
 CHAPTER XVI .

Courtship and Qarriage.

HE correct behavior of young men toward
young ladies, and of young ladies toward
young men, during that portion of their
lives when they are respectively paying at
tention to and receiving attention from, one another,
is a matter which requires consideration in a work of
this nature.

A GENTLEMAN'S CONDUCT TOWARD LADIES.

Young people of either sex, who have arrived at

mature age, and who are not engaged , have the utmost
freedom in their social intercourse in this country, and
are at liberty to associate and mingle freely in the
same circles with those of the opposite sex. Gentlemen
are at liberty to invite their lady friends to concerts,
operas, balls, etc., to call upon them at their homes, to
ride and drive with them , and to make themselves
agreeable to all young ladies to whom their company is
acceptable. In fact they are at liberty to accept invi
tations and give them ad libitum . As soon , however,
as a young gentleman neglects all others, to devote
12 ( 177 )
178 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE .

himself to a single lady, he gives that lady reason to

suppose that he is particularly attracted to her, and
may give her cause to believe that she is to become en
gaged to him, without telling her so. A gentleman
who does not contemplate matrimony should not pay
too exclusive attention to any one lady.
A LADY'S CONDUCT TOWARD GENTLEMEN.

A young lady who is not engaged may receive calls

and attentions from such unmarried gentlemen as she
desires, and may accept invitations to ride, to concerts,
theatres, etc. She should use due discretion, however,
as to whom she favors by the acceptance of such invita
tions. A young lady should not allow special attention
from anyone to whom she is not specially attracted ,
because, first, she may do injury to the gentleman in
seeming to give his suit encouragement ; and, secondly,
she may keep away from her those whom she likes
better, but who will not approach her under the mis
taken idea that her feelings are already interested. A
young lady should not encourage the addresses of a
gentleman unless she feels that she can return his
affections. It is the prerogative of a man to propose,
and of the woman to accept or refuse, and a lady of
tact and kind heart will exercise her prerogative before
her suitor is brought to the humiliation of an offer
which must result in a refusal.
No well-bred lady will too eagerly receive the atten
tions of a gentleman, no matter how much she admires
 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE . 179

him ; nor, on the other hand, will she be so reserved as

to altogether discourage him. A man may show con
siderable attention to a lady without becoming a lover ;
and so a lady may let it be seen that she is not dis
agreeable to him without discouraging him. She will
be able to judge soon from his actions and deportment,
as to his motive in paying her his attentions, and will
treat him accordingly. A man does not like to be
refused when he makes a proposal, and no man of tact
will risk a refusal. Neither will a well -bred lady en
courage a man to make a proposal, which she must
refuse. She should endeavor, in discouraging him as
a lover, to retain his friendship. A young man of
sensibilities, who can take a hint when it is offered him,
need not run the risk of a refusal.

PREMATURE DECLARATION.

It is very injudicious, not to say presumptuous, for a

gentleman to make a proposal to a young lady on too
brief an acquaintance. A lady who would accept a
gentleman at first sight can hardly possess the discretion
needed to make a good wife.

THOROUGH ACQUAINTANCE AS A BASIS FOR MARRIAGE.

Perhaps there is such a thing as love at first sight,
but love alone is a very uncertain foundation upon w
to base marriage. There should be thorough acquain
tanceship and a certain knowledge of harmony of tastes
and temperaments before matrimony is ventured upon.
130 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.

PROPER MANNER OF COURTSHIP.

It is impossible to lay down any rule as to the proper

mode of courtship and proposal. In France it is the
business of the parents to settle all preliminaries. In
England the young man asks the consent of the parents
to pay addresses to their daughter. In this country the
matter is left almost entirely to the young people.
It seems that circumstances must determine whether
courtship may lead to engagement. Thus, a man may
begin seriously to court a girl, but may discover before
any promise binds them to each other, that they are
entirely unsuited to one another, when he may, with
perfect propriety and without serious injury to the
lady, withdraw his attentions.
Certain authorities insist that the consent of parents
must always be obtained before the daughter is asked
to give herself in marriage. While there is nothing
improper or wrong in such a course , still, in this coun
try, with our social customs, it is deemed best in most
cases not to be too strict in this regard. Each case has
its own peculiar circumstances which must govern it,
and it seems at least pardonable if the young man
should prefer to know his fate directly from the lips of
the most interested party, before he submits himself to
the cooler judgment and the critical observation of the
father and mother, who are not by any means in love
with him, and who may possibly regard him with a
somewhat jealous eye, as having already monopolized
 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 181

their daughter's affections, and now desires to take her

away from them altogether.
PARENTS SHOULD EXERCISE AUTHORITY OVER DAUGH
TERS.

Parents should always be perfectly familiar with the

character of their daughter's associates, and they
should exercise their authority so far as not to permit
her to form any improper acquaintances. In regula
ting the social relations of their daughter, parents
should bear in mind the possibility of her falling in
love with any one with whom she may come in fre
quent contact. Therefore, if any gentleman of her
acquaintance is particularly ineligible as a husband,
he should be excluded as far as practicable from her
society.
A WATCHFUL CARE REQUIRED BY PARENTS.
Parents, especially mothers, should also watch with
a jealous care the tendencies of their daughters affec
tions ; and if they see them turning toward unworthy
or undesirable objects, influence of some sort should be
brought to bear to counteract this. Great delicacy and
tact are required to manage matters rightly. A more
suitable person may, if available, be brought forward,
in the hope of attracting the young girl's attention.
The objectionable traits of the undesirable suitor
should be made apparent to her without the act seem
ing to be intentional ; and if all this fails, let change of
scene and surroundings by travel or visiting accomplish
182 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE .

the desired result. The latter course will generally do

it, if matters have not been allowed to progress too far
and the young girl is not informed why she is tempo
rarily banished from home.
AN ACCEPTABLE SUITOR.

Parents should always be able to tell from observation

and instinct just how matters stand with their daugh
ter; and if the suitor is an acceptable one and every
thing satisfactory, then the most scrupulous rules of
etiquette will not prevent their letting the young couple
alone. If the lover chooses to propose directly to the
lady and consult her father afterward, consider that he
has a perfect right to do so. If her parents have sanc
tioned his visits and attentions by a silent consent, he
has a right to believe that his addresses will be favor
ably received by them.
REQUIREMENTS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE.
Respect for each other is as necessary to a happy
marriage as that the husband and wife should have an
affection for one another. Social equality, intellectual
sympathy, and sufficient means are very important
matters to be considered by those who contemplate
matrimony.
It must be remembered that husband and wife, after
marriage, have social relations to sustain, and perhaps
it will be discovered , before many months of wedded
life have passed, when there is a social inequality, that
one of the two have made a sacrifice for which no ade
 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE . 183

quate compensation has been or ever will be received .

And so both lives become soured and spoiled, because
neither receives nor can receive the sympathy which
their efforts deserve, and because their cares are
multiplied from a want of congeniality. One or the
other may find that the noble qualities seen by the im
pulse of early love, were but the creation of an infatu
ated fancy, existing only in the mind where it origi
nated .
Another condition of domestic happiness is intellectual
sympathy. Man requires a woman who can make his
home a place of rest for him, and woman requires a
man of domestic tastes. While a woman who seeks to
find happiness in a married life will never consent to
be wedded to an idler or a pleasure -seeker, so a man of
intelligence will wed none but a woman of intelligence
and good sense . Neither beauty, physical characteris
tics nor other external qualifications will compensate
for the absence of intelligent thought and clear and
quiek comprehensions. An absurd idea is held by
some that intelligence and domestic virtues cannot go
together, that an intellectual woman will never be con
tent to stay at home to look after the interests of her
household and children. A more unreasonable idea
has never been suggested, for as the intellect is
strengthened and cultured, it has a greater capacity of
affection , of domesticity and of self- sacrifice for others.
Mutual trust and confidence are other requisites for
happiness in married life. There can be no true love
without trust. The responsibility of a man's life is in
184 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.

a woman's keeping from the moment he puts his heart

into her hands. Without mutual trust there can be no
real happiness.
Another requisite for conjugal happiness is moral
and religious sympathy, that each may walk side by
side in the same path of moral purpose and social use
fulness, with joint hope of immortality.
PROPOSALS OF MARRIAGE.
Rules in regard to proposals of marriage cannot be
laid down , for they are and should be as different as
people. The best way is to apply to the lady in person,
and receive the answer from her own lips. If courage
should fail a man in this, he can resort to writing, by
which he can clearly and boldly express his feelings.
A spoken declaration should be bold, manly and earnest,
and so plain in its meaning that there can be no mis
understanding. As to the exact words to be used ,
there can be no set formula ; each proposer must be
governed by his own ideas and sense of propriety in the
matter.

DO NOT PRESS AN UNWELCOME SUIT.

A gentleman should evince a sincere and unselfish
affection for his beloved, and he will show as well as
feel that her happiness must be considered before his
own. Consequently he should not press an unwelcome
suit upon a young lady. If she has no affection for
him , and does not conceive it possible ever to entertain
any, it is cruel to urge her to give her person without
 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 185

her love. The eager lover may believe, for the time
being, that such possession would satisfy him, but the
day will surely come when he will reproach his wife
that she had no love for him, and he will possibly
make that an excuse for all manner of unkind
ness.

A LADY'S FIRST REFUSAL,

It is not always necessary to take a lady's first

refusal as absolute. Diffidence or uncertainty as to her
own feelings may sometimes influence a lady to reply
in the negative, and after-consideration cause her to
regret that reply.
Though a gentleman may repeat his suit with pro
priety after having been once repulsed , still it should
not be repeated too often nor too long, lest it should
degenerate into importuning.
No lady worthy any gentleman's regard will say
“ no ” twice to a suit which she intends ultimately to
receive with favor. A lady should be allowed all the
time she requires before making up her mind ; and if
the gentleman grows impatient at the delay, he is
always at liberty to insist on an immediate answer and
abide by the consequences of his impatience.
A LADY'S POSITIVE REFUSAL.

A lady who really means “ no ” should be able to so

say it as to make her meaning unmistakable. For her
own sake and that of her suitor, if she really desires
the suit ended her denial should be positive, yet kind
 186 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.

and dignified , and of a character to let no doubt remain

of its being final.
TRIFLING WITH A LADY.

A man should never make a declaration in a jesting

manner. It is most unfair to a lady. He has no
right to trifle with her feelings for mere sport, nor
has he a right to hide his own meaning under the
guise of jest.
A DOUBTFUL ANSWER.
Nothing can be more unfair or more unjustifiable
than a doubtful answer given under the plea of sparing
the suitor's feelings. It raises false hopes. It ren
ders a man restless and unsettled . It may cause him
to express himself or to shape his conduct in such a
manner as he would not dream of doing were his suit
utterly hopeless .
HOW TO TREAT A REFUSAL.

As a woman is not bound to accept the first offer

that is made to her, so no sensible man will think the
worse of her, nor feel himself personally injured by a
refusal. That it will give him pain is most probable.
A scornful “ no ” or a simpering promise to “ think
about it” is the reverse of generous.
In refusing, the lady ought to convey her full sense
of the high honor intended her by the gentleman, and
to add, seriously but not offensively, that it is not in
accordance with her inclination, or that circumstances
compel her to give an unfavorable answer.
 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 187

UNLADYLIKE CONDUCT TOWARD A SUITOR.

It is only the contemptible flirt that keeps an honor

orable man in suspense for the purpose of glorifying
herself by his attentions in the eyes of friends. Nor
would any but a frivolous or vicious girl boast of the
offer she had received and rejected . Such an offer
is a privileged communication. The secret of it should
be held sacred . No true lady will ever divulge to
anyone, unless it may be to her mother, the fact of
such an offer. It is the severest breach of honor to do
SO. A lady who has once been guilty of boasting of
an offer should never have a second opportunity for
thus boasting
No true -hearted woman can entertain any other
feeling than that of commiseration for the man over
whose happiness she has been compelled to throw a
cloud, while the idea of triumphing in his distress, or
abusing his confidence, must be inexpressibly painful
to her.

THE REJECTED SUITOR.

The duty of the rejected suitor is quite clear. Eti

quette demands that he shall accept the lady's decision
as final and retire from the field . He has no right to
demand the reason of her refusal. If she assign it,
he is bound to respect her secret, if it is one, and to
hold it inviolable. To persist in urging his suit or to
follow up the lady with marked attentions would be
in the worst possible taste. The proper course is to
188 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE .

withdraw as much as possible, from the circles in

which she moves, so that she may be spared reminis
cences which cannot be otherwise than painful.

PRESENTS AFTER ENGAGEMENT.

When a couple become engaged, the gentleman pre

sents the lady with a ring, which is worn on the
ring -finger of the right hand. He may also make her
other small presents from time to time, until they
are married, but if she has any scruples about accept
ing them , he can send her flowers, which are at all
times acceptable.

CONDUCT OF THE FIANCE.

The conduct of the fiance should be tender, assid

uous and unobtrusive. He will be kind and polite to
the sisters of his betrothed and friendly with her
brothers. Yet he must not be in any way unduly fa
miliar or force himself into family confidences on the
ground that he is to be regarded as a member of the
family. Let the advance come rather from them to
him, and let him show a due appreciation of any con
fidences which they may be pleased to bestow upon
him . The family of the young man should make the
first advances toward an acquaintance with his future
wife. They should call upon her or write to her, and
they may with perfect propriety invite her to visit them
in order that they may become acquainted.
 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE 189

THE POSITION OF AN ENGAGED WOMAN.

An engaged woman should eschew all flirtations,
though it does not follow that she is to cut herself off
from all association with the other sex because she has
chosen her future husband. She may still have friends
and acquaintances, she may still receive visits and calls,
but she must try to conduct herself in such a manner
as to give no offense.
POSITION OF AN ENGAGED MAN.

The same rules may be laid down in regard to the

other party to the contract, only that he pays visits
instead of receiving them. Neither should assume a
masterful or jealous attitude toward the other. They
are neither of them to be shut up away from the rest
of the world, but must mingle in society after marriage
nearly the same as before, and take the same delight
in friendship. The fact that they have confessed their
love to each other ought to be deemed a sufficient
guarantee of faithfulness ; for the rest let there be trust
and confidence.

THE RELATIONS OF AN ENGAGED COUPLE.

A young man has no right to put a slight upon his

future bride by appearing in public with other ladies
while she remains neglected at home. He is in future
her legitimate escort. He should attend no other
lady when she needs his services ; she should accept
no other escort when he is at liberty to attend her.
190 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE .

A lady should not be too demonstrative of her affection

during the days of her engagement. There is always
the chance of “ a slip 'twixt the cup and the lip ;" and
over demonstrations of love are not pleasant to re
member by a young lady, if the man to whom they are
given by any chance fails to become her husband.
An honorable man will never tempt his future bride
to any such demonstration . He will always maintain
a respectful and decorous demeanor toward her.
No young man who would shrink from being guilty
of a great impropriety, should ever prolong his visits
beyond ten o'clock, unless it be the common custom
of the family to remain up and to entertain visitors
to a later hour, and the visit paid is a family one and
not a tete-a-tete. Two hours is quite long enough for
a call; and the young man will give evidence of his
affection no less than his consideration , by making his
visits short, and if need be making them often, rather
than by prolonging to unreasonable hours.
LOVERS' DISPUTES.
Neither party should try to make the other jealous
for the purpose of testing his or her affection . Such
a course is contemptible ; and if the affections of the
other are permanently lost by it, the offending party
is only gaining his or her just deserts. Neither should
there be provocation to little quarrels for the foolish
delight of reconciliation . No lover will assume a
domineering attitude over his future wife. If he does
so, she will do well to escape from his thrall before she
 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE . 191

becomes his wife in reality. A domineering lover will

be certain to be more domincering as a husband .
BREAKING AN ENGAGEMENT.

Sometimes it is necessary to break off an engage

ment. Many circumstances will justify this. Indeed,
anything which may occur or be discovered which
shall promise to render the marriage an unsuitable or
unhappy one is, and should be accepted as, justifica
tion for such rupture. Still, breaking an engagement
is always a serious and distressing thing, and ought
not to be contemplated without absolute and just rea
sons. It is generally best to break an engagement by
letter. By this means one can express himself or her
self more clearly, and give the true reason for his or
her course much better than in a personal interview .
The letter breaking the engagement should be accom
panied by everything, in the way of portraits, letters or
gifts, that has been received during the engagement.
Such letter should be acknowledged in a dignified
manner , and no efforts should be made or measures
be taken to change the decision of the writer, unless it
is manifest that he or she is greatly mistaken in his or
her premises . A similar return of letters, portraits and
gifts should be made.
Many men, in taking retrospective glances, remem
ber how they were devoted to women, the memory of
whom calls up only a vague sort of wonder how they
ever could have fallen into the state of infatuation in
192 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.

which they once were. The same may be said of

many women . Heart-breaking separations have taken
place between young men and young women who have
learned that the sting of parting does not last forever.
The heart, lacerated by a hopeless or misplaced attach
ment, when severed from the cause of its woe, gradually
heals and prepares itself to receive fresh wounds, for
affection requires either a constant contemplation of, or
in'orcourse with its object, to keep it alive.
 CHAPTER XVII ,

Etiquette of Weddings.
CIRUT HE circumstances under which weddings
take place are so varied, and the religious
forms observed in their solemnization so nu
merous, that to lay down rules applicable to
all cases would be a matter of great difficulty, if not an
impossibility. Consequently only those forms of mar
riage attended with the fullest ceremonies, and all the
attendant ceremonials will here be given, and others
may be modeled after them as the occasion may seem
to require.
After the marriage invitations are issued , the fiancee
does not appear in public. It is also de rigueur at
morning weddings, that she does not see the bride
groom on the wedding -day, until they meet at the
altar,

THE BRIDEMAIDS AND GROOMSMEN .

Only relatives and the most intimate friends are

asked to be bridemaids—the sisters of the bride and of
the bridegroom , where it is possible. The bridegroom
chooses his best man and the groomsmen and ushers
from his circle of relatives and friends of his own age,
13 ( 193)
194 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.

and from the relatives of his fiancee of a suitable age.

The dresses of the bridemaids are not given unless their
circumstances are such as to make it necessary.

THE BRIDAL COSTUME.

The most approved bridal costume for young brides

is of white silk , high corsage, a long wide veil of white
tulle, reaching to the feet, and a wreath of maiden
blush roses with orange blossoms. The roses she can
continue to wear, but the orange blossoms are only
suitable for the ceremony.

COSTUMES OF THE BRIDEGROOM AND USHERS.

The bridegroom and ushers, at a morning wedding,
wear full morning dress, dark blue or black frock coats,
or cut-aways, light neckties, and light trousers. The
bridegroom wears white gloves. The ushers wear gloves
of some delicate color.

PRESENTS OF THE BRIDE AND BRIDEGROOM.

Where the bride makes presents to the bridemaids on

her wedding -day, they generally consist of some articles
of jewelry, not costly, and given more as a memento
of the occasion than for their own intrinsic worth.
The bridegroom sometimes gives the groomsmen a scarf
pin of some quaint device, or some other slight me
mento of the day, as a slight acknowledgment of their
services.
 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 195

CEREMONIALS WHEN THERE ARE NO USHERS OR

BRIDEMAIDS.

When there are no bridemaids or ushers the mar

riage ceremonials at the church are as follows : The
members of the bride's family proceed to the church
before the bride, who follows with her mother. The
bridegroom awaits them at the church and gives his
arm to the bride's mother. They walk up the aisle to
the altar, the mother falling back to her position on the
left. The father, or relative representing him, con
ducts the bride to the bridegroom , who stands at the
altar with his face turned toward her as she approaches,
and the father falls back to the left. The relatives
follow, taking their places standing ; those of the
bride to the left, those of the groom to the right.
After kneeling at the altar for a moment, the
bride, standing on the left of the bridegroom , takes
the glove off from her left hand, while he takes the
glove off from his right hand. The service then begins.
The father of the bride gives her away by bowing when
the question is asked, which is a much simpler form
than stepping forward and placing his daughter's
hand in that of the clergyman. Perfect self -control
should be exhibited by all parties during the cere
mony .
The bride leaves the altar, taking the bridegroom's
right arm , and they pass down the aisle without look
ing to the right or left. It is considered very bad form
196 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.

to recognize acquaintances by bows and smiles while

in the church .
The bride and bridegoom drive away in their own
carriage, the rest following in their carriages.
INVITATIONS TO THE CEREMONY ONLY.
When the circle of friends on both sides is very
extensive, it has become customary of late to send
invitations to such as are not called to the wedding
breakfast, to attend the ceremony at church . This
stands in the place of issuing cards. No one must
think of calling on the newly married couple who
has not received an invitation to the ceremony at
church , or cards after their establishment in their new
home.
THE LATEST CEREMONIALS.
The latest New York form for conducting the mar
riage ceremony is substantially as follows :
When the bridal party has arranged itself for en
trance, the ushers, in pairs, march slowly up to the
altar, and turn to the right. Behind them follows the
groom alone. When he reaches the altar he turns,
faces the aisle, and watches intently for the coming of
his bride. After a slight interval the bridemaids fol
low, in pairs, and at the altar turn to the left. After
another brief interval, the bride, alone and entirely
veiled, with her eyes cast down, follows her companions.
The groom comes forward a few steps to meet her,
takes her hand, and places her at the altar. Both
 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 197

kneel for a moment's silent devotion. The parents of

the bride, having followed her, stand just behind her
and partly to the left. The services by the clergyman
now proceed as usual.
While the bride and bridegroom are passing out of
the church, the bridemaids follow slowly, each upon
the arm of an usher, and they afterward hasten on as
speedily as possible to welcome the bride at her own
door, and to arrange themselves about the bride and
groom in the reception room, half of the ladies upon
her side and half upon his—the first bridemaid retain
ing the place of honor.
THE USHERS' DUTIES.
The ushers at the door of the reception room offer
themselves as escorts to parties, who arrive slowly from
the church, conducting them to the bridal party, and
there presenting them by name. This announcement
becomes necessary when two families and two sets of
friends are brought together for the first time. If
ladies are present without gentlemen, the ushers accom
pany them to the breakfast or refreshment room , or
provide them with attendants.
At the church the ushers are the first to arrive.
They stand by the inner entrance and offer their arms
to escort the ladies, as they enter, to their proper seats
in the church . If a lady be accompanied by a gentle
man, the latter follows the user and the lady to the
seat shown her. The ushers, knowing the two families.
understand where to place the nearer, and where the
198 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.

remoter relatives and friends of the bridal party, the

groom's friends being arranged upon the right of the
entrance, and the bride's upon the left. The distribu
tion of guests places the father (or guardian) of the
bride at the proper place during the ceremony.

ANOTHER FORM OF CHURCH CEREMONIALS.

The ceremonials for the entry to the church by the
bridal party may be varied to suit the taste. Prece
dents for the style already described are found among
the highest social circles in New York and other large
cities, but there are brides who prefer the fashion of
their grand -mothers, which is almost strictly an Amer
ican fashion . In this style, the bridemaids, each lean
ing upon the arm of a groomsman, first pass up the
aisle to the altar, the ladies going to their left, and the
gentlemen to their right. The groom follows with the
bride's mother, or some one to represent her, leaning
on his arm, whom he seats in a front pew at the left.
The bride follows, clinging to the arm of her father
(or a near relative ), who leads her to the groom. The
father waits at her left and a step or two back of her,
until asked to give her away, which he does by taking
her right hand and placing it in that of the clergy
man . After this he joins the mother of the bride in
the front pew, and becomes her escort while they pass
out of the church.
In case there are no bridemaids, the ushers walk
into church in pairs, just in advance of the groom , and
 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 199

parting at the altar, half of them stand at one side and

half at the other. While the clergyman is congratu
lating the bride, they pass out in pairs, a little in
advance of the wedded couple.

WEDDINGS AT HOME.

Weddings at home vary but little from those at

church. The music, the assembling of friends, the
entree of the bridal party to the position selected , are
the same. An altar of flowers, and a place of kneel
ing can be easily arranged at home. The space behind
the altar need be no wider than is allowed for the
clergyman to stand. The altar is generally only a
fender or railing entirely wound and concealed by
greenery or blossoms. Other floral accessories, such
as the marriage-bell, horse-shoe or white dove, etc.,
can be arranged with ease by a skillful florist, if
desired .
When the marriage ceremony is concluded, the party
turn in their places and face their friends, who proceed
to congratulate them. If space be required , the kneel
ing -stool and floral altar may be removed, a little later,
without observation .

THE EVENING WEDDING.

If the wedding occur in the evening, the only dif

ference in the ceremonials from those in the morning
is, that the ushers or groomsmen wear full evening
dress, and the bridal pair retire quietly to dress for
200 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.

their journey before the dancing party disperses, and

thus leave unobserved. At the morning wedding only
bridemaids, ushers and relatives remain to witness the
departure of the pair.
“ AT HOME ” RECEPTIONS.
When the newly married couple commence life in
a home of their own, it is customary to issue " at
home ” cards for a few evenings, at an early date after
the wedding, for informal receptions. Only such per
sons are invited as the young couple choose to keep as
friends, or perhaps only those whom they can afford
to retain . This is a suitable opportunity to carefully
re -arrange one's social list, and their list of old acquain
tances may be sifted at the time of the beginning of
housekeeping. This custom of arranging a fresh list is
admitted as a social necessity, and nobody is offended.
CALLS.

All guests and friends who receive “ at home" in

vitations or who are invited to the church , are required
by etiquette to call upon the family of the bride or
to leave their cards, within ten days after the wed
ding.
THE WEDDING RING.

All churches at present use the ring, and vary the

sentiment of its adoption to suit the customs and
ideas of their own rites. A jeweled ring has been
for many years the sign and symbol of betrothal, but
 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 201

at present a plain gold circlet, with the date of the

engagement inscribed within , is generally preferred.
This ring is removed by the groom at the altar, pass
ed to the clergyman and used in the ceremony. A
jeweled ring is placed upon her hand by the groom
on the way home from the church , or as soon after
the service as is convenient. It stands guard over its
precious fellow, and is a confirmation of the first
promise.

THE MARRIAGE CEREMONIALS OF A Widow.

The marriage ceremonials of a widow differ from

that of a young lady in not wearing the veil and or
ange blossoms. She may be costumed in white and
have her maids at the altar if she pleases. This liberty,
however, has only been given her within a few years.
On her wedding cards of invitation, her maiden name
is used as a part of her proper name; which is done
in respect to her parents. Having dropped the initials
of her dead husband's name when she laid aside her
mourning, she uses her Christian name. If she has
sons or unmarried daughters at the time she becomes
again a wife, she may prefix the last name of her
children to her new one on all ceremonious occasions
in which they are interested in common with herself.
This respect is really due them, and etiquette permits
it, although our social usages do not command its
adoption. The formalities which follow the marriage
of a widow can seldom be regulated in the same man
202 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.

ner as those of a younger bride. No fixed forms can

be arranged for entertainments, which must be con
trolled by circumstances.
INVITATIONS.
Wedding invitations should be handsomely engraved
in script. Neither Old English nor German Text
are admissable in invitations. The following is given
as the latest form for invitations :
MR. & MRS. THEODORE GROSSER,
request your presence at the marriage of their daughter,
Miss FELICIA GROSSER
TO
MR. JULIUS C. FORSYTH ,
on Wednesday, September 5th, at 12 o'clock .
ST. LUKE'S CHURCH,
Main Avenue.
This invitation requires no answer. Friends living
in other towns and cities receiving it, inclose their
cards, and send by mail . Residents call on the family
within the prescribed time, or as soon after as possible.
The invitation to the wedding breakfast is enclosed
in the same envelope, generally conveyed on a square
card , the same size as the sheet of note paper which
bears the invitation for the ceremony after it has been
once folded across the middle. The following is one
of the adopted forms:
Ат Номы,,
Wednesday , September 5th,
from 12 until 3 o'clock .
20 Main Avenue.
 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 203

The separate cards of the bride and groom are no

longer necessary .
The card of admission to the church is narrower , and
is plainly engraved in large script, as follows:
ST. LUKE'S CHURCH,
Ceremony at 12 o'clock .
Generally only half an hour intervenes between the
ceremony and the reception .

DUTIES OF THOSE INVITED.

People who receive “ At Home" wedding invitations,

are expected to acknowledge them as soon as received ,
and never fail to accept, unless for some very good
reason . Guests invited to the house, or to a marriage
feast following the ceremony, should not feel at liberty
to decline from any whim or caprice.

REQUIREMENTS OF THE BRIDEMAIDS AND USHERS.

Bridesmaids and ushers should allow nothing but
illness or some unavoidable accident to prevent them
from officiating, thus showing their appreciation of the
friendship which has caused their selection to this
honored position. If by reason of sudden affliction ,
some one of the bridemaids or ushers is prevented
from attending, a substitute should, if possible, be
provided immediately. The reasons for this, however,
should be well understood that no opportunity may be
given for uncharitable comments.
204 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.
BRIDAL PRESENTS.
When bridal presents are given, they are sent to the
bride previous to the day of the marriage ceremony .
As the universal bridal present has fallen into disuse,
this custom is not now considered obligatory, and if
immediate friends and relatives desire to make pre
sents, it should be spontaneous, and in no sense con
sidered obligatory. These presents are not put on
exhibition as formerly, but are acknowledged by the
bride in a private note to the donor. It is not now
considered in good form to talk about these contribu
tions.

ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE CEREMONIES.

In weddings at churches a master of ceremonies is
often provided, who is expected to be at the church as
soon as the doors are opened. He arranges before
hand for the spreading of a carpet from the church
door to the pavement, and if the weather be inclement,
he sees that an awning is also spread. He also sees
that a white ribbon is stretched across the main aisle of
the church, far enough back from the altar to afford
sufficient room for all invited guests to occupy the
front pews of the main aisle. Sometimes an arch of
flowers extends over the aisle, so as to divide those who
come in wedding garments, from those who do not.
The organist should be early at his post, and is expected
to play during the arrival of guests. The order of the
religious part of the marriage ceremony is fixed by the
church in which it occurs.
 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 205

THE WEDDING FEES.

There is no prescribed fee for performing the mar

riage ceremony. It is regulated according to the
means and liberality of the bridegroom , but no less
amount than five dollars should be given under any
circumstances.

THE CONGRATULATIONS.
At wedding receptions, friends who congratulate
the newly married conple should address the bride
first, if they have any previous acquaintance with her,
then the bridegroom , then the bridemaids, and after
that the parents and family of the bride and groom .
They should give their good wishes to the bride and
congratulate the bridegroom . If they are acquainted
with the bridegroom and not with the bride, let them 4
address him first and he will introduce them to his
bride.

THE BRIDAL TOUR.

The honeymoon of repose, exempt from all claims

of society, is now prescribed by the dictates of common
sense and fashion, and the same arbiters unite in con
demning the harrassing bridal tour. It is no longer
de rigueur to maintain any secrecy as to their plans
for traveling, when a newly married couple depart
upon a tour.
 CHAPTER XVIII .

home life and Xtiquette.

OME is the woman's kingdom, and there she
reigns supreme. To embellish that home, to
make happy the lives of her husband and the
dear ones committed to her trust is the honored
task which it is the wife's province to perform All
praise be to her who so rules and governs in that king
dom, that those reared beneath her roof shall rise up
and call her blessed .

A HOME.

After marriage one of the first requirements for hap

piness is a home. This can seldom be found in a
boarding house or at a hotel, and not always beneath
the parental roof of either husband or wife. It will
oftenest be found in a house or even a cottage apart
from the immediate association of relatives or friends,
acquaintances or strangers, and here husband and wife
may begin in reality, that new life of which they have
had fond dreams, and upon their own actions must
depend their future welfare.
( 206 )
 HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE . 207

HOME COMPANIONSHIP .
Husband and wife should remember, when starting
out upon their newly wedded life, that they are to be
life companions, that the affection they have possessed
and expressed as lovers must ripen into a life-long devo
tion to one another's welfare and happiness, that the
closest of friendship must be begotten from their early
love, and that each must live and work for the other.
They must seek to be congenial companions to each
other, so that every hour they pass together will be
mutually enjoyable. They should aim to have the
same tastes, so that what one enjoys will be alike en
joyable to the other, and what is distasteful to one
shall be no less so to the other. Each should yield in
matters where it is right to yield, and be firm only
where duty is concerned. With a firm trust in one
another they should ever abide, that each may say to
the world, “ I possess one on whose character and heart
I can lean as upon a rock .”

CONDUCT OF HUSBAND AND WIFE.

Let neither ever deceive the other, or do anything to
shake the other's confidence, for once deceived, the
heart can never wholly trust again. Fault-finding should
only be done by gentle and mild criticism, and then
with loving words and pleasant looks. Make allow
ances for one another's weaknesses, and at the same
time endeavor to mutually repress them. For the sake
of mutual improvement the husband and wife should
208 HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE .

receive and give corrections to one another in a spirit

of kindness, and in doing so they will prepare them
selves for the work God gives the parents of training
lives for usefulness here and hereafter. Their motto
should be “ faithful unto death in all things, " and
they must exercise forbearance with each other's pecu
liarities.
Let both preserve a strict guard over their tongues,
that neither may utter anything rude, contemptuous or
severe , and guard their tempers, that neither may ever
grow passionate or become sullen or morose in one
another's presence. They should not expect too much
from each other ; if either offends, it is the part of the
other to forgive, remembering that no one is free from
faults, and that we are all constantly erring.
If perchance, after they have entered upon the stern
realities of life, they find that they have made a mis
take, that they are not well mated, then they must
accept the inevitable and endure to the end, " for
better or for worse ; " for only in this way can they
find consolation for having found out, when too late,
that they were unfitted for a life-long companionship.
A journalist has said : “ No lessons learned by experi
ence, however sharply taught and sadly earned, can
enlighten the numbed senses which love has sent to
sleep by its magic fascination ; and things as plain
as the sun in heaven to others are dark as night,
unfathomable as the sea, to those who let themselves
love before they prove. "
 HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE . 209

DUTIES OF THE WIFE TO HER HUSBAND.

The wife should remember that upon her, to the

greatest extent, devolves the duty of making home
happy. She should do nothing to make her husband
feel uncomfortable, either mentally or physically, but
on the other hand she should strive to the utmost of
her ability to do whatever is best calculated to please
him, continually showing him that her love, plighted
upon the altar, remains steadfast, and that no vicissi
tudes of fortune can change or diminish it.
She should never indulge in fits of temper, hysterics,
or other habits of ill-breeding, which, though easy to
conquer at first, grow and strengthen with indulgence,
if she would retain her husband as her lover and her
dearest and nearest friend. She should be equally as
neat and tidy respecting her dress and personal ap
pearance at home as when she appears in society, and
her manners toward her husband should be as kind
and pleasing when alone with him as when in company.
She should bear in mind that to retain the good opinion
of her husband is worth far more than to gain the
good opinion of hundreds of the devotees of society,
and that as she possesses the love and confidence of
her husband , so will she receive the respect and esteem
of all his friends.
She should be careful not to confide to another any
small misunderstandings or petty quarrels between
herself and husband , should any occur. This is the
surest method of widening any breach of harmony
14
210 HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE

that may occur between husband and wife, for the

more such misunderstandings are talked about, and the
more advice she receives from her confidants , there is
less probability that harmonious relations will be speed
ily resumed .
THE WIFE A HELPMATE ,

A wife should act openly and honorably in regard to

money inatters, keeping an exact account of her expen
ditures, and carefully guarding against any extravagan
cies; and while her husband is industriously at work ,
she should seek to encourage him, by her own frugality,
to be economical, thrifty, enterprising and prosperous
in his business, that he may be better enabled, as years
go by and family cares press more heavily on each, to
afford all the comforts and perhaps some of the luxuries
of a happy home. No condition is hopeless when the
wife possesses firmness, decision and economy, and no
outward prosperity can counteract indolence, folly and
extravagance at home. She should consult the dispo
sition and tastes of her husband, and endeavor to lead
him to high and noble thoughts, lofty aims, and tem
poral comfort; be ever ready to welcome him home,
and in his companionship draw his thoughts from
business and lead him to the enjoyment of home com
forts and happiness. The influence of a good wife over
her husband may be very great, if she exerts it in the
right dircction . She should , above all things, study to
learn the disposition of her husband, and if, perchance,
 HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE . 211

she finds herself united to a man of quick and violent

temper, the utmost discretion, as well as perfect equa
nimity on her own part is required, for she should have
such perfect control over herself as to calm his per
turbed spirits.

A HUSBAND'S DUTIES.

It must not be supposed that it devolves upon the

wife alone to make married life and home happy. She
must be seconded in her noble efforts by him who took
her from her own parental fireside and kind friends, to
be his companion through life's pilgrimage. He has
placed her in a new home, provided with such comforts
as his means permit, and the whole current of both
their lives have been changed. His constant duty to
his wife is to be ever kind and attentive, to love her as
he loves himself, even sacrificing his own personal com
fort for her happiness. From his affection for her,
there should grow out a friendship and fellowship ,
such as is pos:essed for no other person . His evenings
and spare moments should be devoted to her, and
these should be used for their intellectual, moral and
social advancement.
The cares and anxieties of business should not ex
clude the attentions due to wife and family, while he
should carefully keep her informed of the condition of
his business affairs. Many a wife is capable of giving
her husband important advice about various details of
his business, and if she knows the condition of his
212 HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE .

pecuniary affairs, she will be able to govern her expendi

tures accordingly.
It is the husband's duty to join with his wife in all
her endeavors to instruct her children, to defer all mat
ters pertaining to their discipline to her, aiding her in
this respect as she requires it. In household matters
the wife rules predominant, and he should never inter
fere with her authority and government in this sphere.
It is his duty and should be his pleasure to accompany
her to church, to social gatherings, to lectures and such
places of entertainment as they both mutually enjoy
and appreciate. In fact he ought not to attend a
social gathering unless accompanied by his wife, nor
go to an evening entertainment without her. If it is
not a fit place for his wife to attend, neither is it fit
for him .
While he should give his wife his perfect confidence
in her faithfulness, trusting implicitly to her honor at
all times and in all places, he should , on his part, re
main faithful and constant to her, and give her no
cause of complaint. He should pass by unnoticed any
disagreeable peculiarities and mistakes, taking care at
the proper time, and without giving offense, to remind
her of them , with the idea of having her correct them .
He should never seek to break her of any disagreeable
habits or peculiarities she may possess by ridiculing
them . He should encourage her in all her schemes for
promoting the welfare of her household , or in laudable
endeavors to promote the happiness of others, by en
 HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE . 213

gaging in such works of benevolence and charity as the

duties of her home will allow her to perform .
The husband , in fact, should act toward his wife as
becomes a perfect gentleman, regarding her as the
“ best lady in the land ,” to whom, above all other
earthly beings, he owes paramount allegiance. If he so
endeavors to act, his good sense and judgment will dic
tate to him the many little courtesies which are due
her, and which every good wife cannot fail to appreciate.
The observance of the rules of politeness are nowhere
more desirable than in the domestic circle, between
husband and wife, parents and children.
 OHAPTER XIX .

Home Training.
UR earliest and best recollections are associated
with home. There the first lessons of infancy
are learned. The mother's heart is the child's
first school-room . The parents' examples are
first imitated by the child whose earliest impressions
are gained from them . In no way are evil habits
more effectually propagated than by example, and
therefore parents should be what they wish their child
ren to be.

THE MOTHER'S INFLUENCE.

To the mother belongs the privilege of planting in
the hearts of her children those seeds of love, which,
nurtured and fostered, will bear the fruit of earnest
and useful lives. It is she who must fit them to meet
the duties and emergencies of life, and in this work
of training she keeps her heart fresh and young, and
thereby insures the growth of those powers with which
nature has endowed her.
As the faculties of man, woman or child are brought
into active exercise, so do they become strengthened ,
( 214)
 HOME TRAINING . 215

and the mother, in doing her work in the training

of her children, grows in wisdom, in knowledge and
in power, thus enabling her the better to perform her
duties.

PARENTS SHOULD SET GOOD EXAMPLES.

As children first acquire knowledge and habits from
the examples of their parents, the latter should be cir
cumspect in all their actions, manners and modes of
speech . If you wish your children's faces illumined
with good humor, contentment and satisfaction , so
that they will be cheerful, joyous and happy, day by
day, then must your own countenance appear illumined
by the sunshine of love. Kind words, kind deeds and
loving looks are true works of charity, and they are
needed in our home circle.
Your children will form habits of evil speaking if
they hear you deal lightly with the reputation of
another—if they hear you slander or revile your neigh
bor. If you wish your child to show charity toward
the erring, you must set the example by the habitual
exercise of that virtue yourself. Without this your
teaching will be of but little avail. If you take pleas
ure in dwelling upon the faults of others, if you re
fuse to cover over their infirmities with the mantle of
charity, your example will nullify your teaching, and
your admonitions will be lost.

COURTESIES IN THE HOME CIRCLE.

Mothers should early train their children to regard
216 HOME TRAINING .

all the courtesies of life as scrupulously toward each

other as to mere acquaintances and strangers. This
is the only way in which you can secure to them the
daily enjoyment of a happy home. When the external
forms of courtesy are disregarded in the family circle,
we are sure to find contention and bickering perpetually
recurring. Rudeness is a constant source of bickering.
Each will have his own way of being rude, and each
will be angry at some portion of the ill -breeding of
all the rest, thus provoking accusations and retorts.
Where the rule of life is to do good and make others
happy, there will be found the art of securing a happy
home. It is said that there is something higher in
politeness than Christian moralists have recognized.
In its best forms, none but the truly religious man can
show it, for it is the sacrifice of self in the habitual
matters of life — always the best test of our principles
together with a respect for man as our brother, under
the same great destiny.
EARLY MORAL TRAINING.
The true test of the success of any education is its
efficiency in giving full use of the moral and intellectual
faculties, wherewith to meet the duties and the struggles
of life, and not by the variety of knowledge acquired.
The development of the powers of the mind and its
cultivation are the work of a teacher ; moral training
is the work of the mother, and commences long before
one word of precept can be understood. Children
should be early taught to regard the rights of others,
 HOME TRAINING . 217

that they may early learn the rights which property

confers and not entertain confused ideas upon thi.
subject.
FORMATION OF HABITS.
Virtue is the child of good habits, and the formation
of habits may be said to almost constitute the whole
work of education . The mother can create habits
which shall mould character and enable the mind to
maintain that habitual sense of duty which gives com
mand over the passions, and power to fight temptation ,
and which makes obedience to principle comparatively
easy, under most circumstances. The social and do
mestic life are marred by habits which have grown into
& second nature. It is not in an occasional act of
civility that the charm of either home or society con
sists, but in continued practice of courtesy and respect
for the rights and feelings of those around us. What
ever may be the precepts for a home, the practices of
the fireside will give form to the habits. Parents who
indulge in gossip, scandal, slander and tale-telling,
will rear children possessing the same tastes and de
teriorating habits. A parent's example outlines the
child's character. It sinks down deep into his heart
and influences his whole life for good or for evil. A
parent should carefully avoid speaking evil of others,
and should never exhibit faults requiring the mantle
of charity to cover. A parent's example should be
such as to excite an abhorrence of evil speaking, of
tattling and of uncharitable construction of the motives
218 HOME TRAINING .

of others. Let the mother begin the proper training

of her children in early life and she will be able to so
mould their characters that not only will they acquire
the habit of bridling the tongue, but they will learn to
avoid the presence of the slanderer as they do a deadly
viper.
POLITENESS AT HOME.

Genuine politeness is a great fosterer of domestic

love, and those who are habitually polished at home
are those who exhibit good manners when abroad .
When parents receive any little attention from their
children , they should thank them for it. They should
ask a favor only in a courteous way ; never reply to
questions in monosyllables, or indulge in the rudeness
of paying no attention to a question, for such an ex
ample will be surely followed by the children . Par
ents sometimes thoughtlessly allow their children to
form habits of disrespect in the home circle, which
crop out in the bad manners that are found in society.

How to REPROVE.

Parents should never check expressions of tenderness

in their children, nor humiliate them before others.
This will not only cause suffering to little sensitive
hearts, but will tend to harden them . Reproof,
if needed, should be administered to each child singly
and alone.
 HOME TRAINING . 219

CHEERFULNESS AT THE TABLE.

Children should not be prohibited from laughing
and talking at the table. Joyousness promotes the
circulation of the blood, enlivens and invigorates it
and sends it to all parts of the system, carrying with
it animation, vigor and life. Controversy should not
be permitted at the table, nor should any subjects
which call forth political or religious differences.
Every topic introduced should be calculated to in
struct, interest or amuse. Business matters, past dis
appointments and mishaps should not be alluded to,
nor should bad news be spoken of at the table, nor for
half an hour before. All conversation should be of
joyous and gladsome character, such as will bring out
pleasant remarks and agrecable associations. Reproof
should never be administered at the table, either to a
child or to a servant ; no fault found with anything,
and no unkind word should be spoken. If remarks
are to be made of absent ones, they should be of a
kind and charitable nature. Thus will the family
table be the centre of pleasant memories in future
years, when the family shall have been scattered far
and near, and some, perhaps, have been laid in their
final resting -place.

TRAIN CHILDREN FOR SOME OCCUPATION.

Chancellor Kent says : “ Without some preparation
made in youth for the sequel of life, children of all
conditions would probably become idle and vicious

1
220 HOME TRAINING .
when they grow up, from want of good instruction and
habits, and the means of subsistence, or from want
of rational and useful occupations. A parent who
sends his son into the world without educating him in
some art, science, profession or business, does great
injury to mankind, as well as to his son and his own
family, for he defrauds the community of a useful
citizen, and bequeaths to it a nuisance . That parent
who trains his child for some special occupation, who
inspires him with a feeling of genuine self-respect, has
contributed a useful citizen to society .”
BAD TEMPER.

Dread an insubordinate temper, and deal with it as

one of the greatest evils. Let the child feel by your
manner that he is not a safe companion for the rest
of the family when he is in anger. Allow no one to
speak to him at such times, not even to answer a
question. Take from him books, and whatever he
may have, and place him where he shall feel that the in
dulgence of a bad temper shall deprive him of all
enjoyment, and he will soon learn to control himself.
SELFISHNESS.

Selfishness that binds the miser in his chains, that

chills the heart, must never be allowed a place in the
family circle. Teach the child to share his gifts and
pleasures with others, to be obliging, kind and be
nevolent, and the influence of such instruction may
 HOME TRAINING . 221

come back into your own bosom, to bless your latest

hours .
HOME MAXIMS FOR TRAINING CHILDREN.
Remember that children are men and women in
miniature, and though they should be allowed to act as
children, still our dealings with them should be manly
and not morose. Remember also that every word,
tone and gesture, nay, even your dress, makes an im
pression.
Never correct a child on suspicion, or without un
derstanding the whole matter, nor trifle with a child's
feelings when under discipline.
Be always mild and cheerful in their presence, com
municative but never extravagant, trifling or vulgar
in language or gesture. Never trifle with a child nor
speak beseechingly when it is doing wrong.
Always follow commands with a close and careful
watch , until the thing is done, allowing no evasion and
no modification , unless the child ask for it, and it be
expressly granted .
Never reprove children severely in company, nor
hold them up to ridicule, nor make light of their
failings.
Never speak in an impatient, pitiful manner , if you
have occasion to find fault .
Never say to a child , “ I don't believe what you say,”
nor even imply your doubts. If you have such feel
inge, keep them to yourself and wait ; the truth will
eventually be made plain.

1
222 HOME TRAINING .

Nerer disappoint the confidence a child places in

you, whether it be a thing placed in your care or a
promise.
Always give prompt attention to a child when he
speaks, so as to prerent repeated calls, and that he
may learn to give prompt attention when you call
him .
Never try to impress a child with religious truth
when in anger, or talk to him of God, as it will not
have the desired effect. Do it under more favorable
circumstances.
At the table a child should be taught to sit up and
behave in a becoming manner, not to tease when
denied, nor to leave his chair without asking. A par
ent's wish at such time should be a law from which no
appeal should be made.
Even in sickness gentle restraint is better for a child
than indulgence.
There should never be two sets of manners , the one for
home and the other for company, but a gentle be
havior should be always required.
 CHAPTER XX .

Hong Culture.
HE work of home culture should be made a
matter of great importance to every onc, for
upon it depends the happiness of earthly
homes, as well as our fitness for the enjoy
ment of the eternal home in heaven. The sufferings
endured here, friend for friend, parents for children ,
unrequited sacrifices, cares and tears, all tend to dis
cipline us, and prepare us for the recompense which
eternity brings.
CULTIVATE MORAL COURAGE,

Moral courage will be cultivated in your children as

they observe that you say and do whatever you con
scientiously believe to be right and true, without being
influenced by the views of others; thus showing them
that you fear nothing so much as failing to do your
duty. Perhaps this may be difficult to do, but every
mother can at least show her appreciation of moral
courage when she sees it exhibited by others, and in
this way incite its growth in the souls of her children.
Moral courage is a rare endowment, and those who
possess it are able to act with perfect independence of
( 223)
224 HOME CULTURE .

the opinions of others, and govern themselves only by

the laws of propriety, uprightness and charity.
THE PERNICIOUS INFLUENCE OF INDOLENCE.
If you would preserve your children from the per
nicious influence of indolence and all its corrupting
tendencies, you must be earnest in purpose, active,
energetic and fervent in spirit. Earrestness sharpens
the faculties; indolence corrodes and dulls them. By
the former we rise higher and higher, by the latter we
sink lower and lower. Indolence begets discontent,
envy and jealousy, while labor elevates the mind and
character. Cultivate in your children habits of thought
which will keep their minds occupied upon something
that will be of use or advantage, and prevent them
from acquiring habits of idleness, if you would secure
their future well-being.
It has been said that he who performs no useful act
in society, who makes no human being happier, is lead
ing a life of utter selfishness - a life of sin—for a life of
selfishness is a life of sin. There is nowhere room for
idleness. Work is both a duty and a necessity of our
nature, and a befitting reward will ever follow it. To
foster and encourage labor in some useful form , is a
duty which parents should urge upon their children, if
they would seek their best good.
SELF - RESPECT.

It is the mother's duty to see that her children

 HOME CULTURE , 225

protect themselves from the many pit-falls which sur

round them, such as malice, envy, conceit, avaricious
ness, and other evils, by being clad in the armor of
self-respect; and then they will be able to encounter
temptation and corruption, unstained and unpolluted.
This feeling of self-respect is something stronger than
self-reliance, higher than pride. It is an energy of
the soul wihch masters the whole being for its good,
watching with a never-ceasing vigilance. It is the
sense of duty and the sense of honor combined. It is
an armor, which, though powerless to shield from
sorrows that purify and invigorate, yet will avert all
hostile influences that assail, from whatever source
they come. The mother having once made her child
ren conscious that always and everywhere they carry
with them such an angel to shield, warn and rescue
them, may let them go out into the world , and fear
nothing from the wiles and temptations which may
beset them.

RESULTS OF GOOD-BREEDING IN THE HOME CIRCLE.

The laws of good -breeding in no place bear more
gratifying results than in the home circle. Here, tem
pered with love, and nurtured by all kindly impulses,
they bear the choicest fruit. A true lady will show as
much courtesy, and observe the duties of politeness as
unfailingly, toward every member of her family as
toward her most distinguished guest. A true gentle
man will feel bound to exercise courtesy and kindness
in his intercourse
15
with those who depend upon him for
226 HOME CULTURE .

protection and example. Children influenced by such

examples at home, will never fail to show to their
elders the respect due them , to their young companions
the same consideration for their feelings which they
expect to meet with in return , nor to servants that
patience which even the best too often require. In
such a home peace and good-will are the household
gods.
FAULT-FINDING AND GRUMBLING.
The oil of civility is required to make the wheels of
domestic life run smoothly. The habit of fault-finding
and grumbling indulged in by some, is an exceedingly
vexatious one, and will, in time, ruffle the calmest
spirit and the sweetest temper. It is the little annoy
ances, perplexities and misfortunes which often render
life a burden ; the little omission of minor duties and
the committing of little faults that perpetually scourge
us and keep the heart sore. Constant fault-finding,
persistent misrepresentation of motives, suspicions of
evil where no evil is intended, will complete the work
in all but the finest and most heroic natures. They
alone can stand the fiery test, coming out purer and
stronger for the ordeal. Children who habitually obey
the commandment, “ Be kind to one another," will
find in mature life, how strong the bonds of affection
may be that bind the members of the household
together.
FAMILY JARS NOT TO BE MADE PUBLIC.
Whatever may be the family disagreements, they
 HOME CULTURE . 227

should never be made known outside of the home cir

cle, if it can be avoided. Those who expose the faults
of the members of their family are severely judged by
the world, and no provocation can be a good excuse for
it. It is exceedingly vulgar, not to say unchristian
like, for the members of the same family to be at en
mity with one another.
YIELDING TO ONE ANOTHER.
One of the greatest disciplines of human life, is that
which teaches us to yield our wills to those who have a
claim upon us to do so, even in trifling, every -day
affairs; the wife to the husband , children to parents, to
teachers and to one another. In cases where principle
is concerned, it is, of course, necessary to be firm ,
which requires an exercise of moral courage.
CONFLICTING INTERESTS.
Conflicting interests are a fruitful source of family
difficulties. The command of Christ to the two broth
ers who came to Him with their disputes, “ Beware of
covetousness ," is as applicable among members of the
same family now, as it was when those words were
spoken. It is better that you have few or no business
transactions with any one who is near and dear to you,
and connected by family ties. In business relations
men are apt to be very exact, because of their habits of
business, and this exactness is too often construed by
near friends and relatives as actuated by purely selfish
motives. Upon this rock many a bark of family love
has been wrecked .
228 HOME CULTURE .

RELIGIOUS EDUCATION .
It is well to remember that every blessing of our lives,
every joy of our hearts and every ray of hope shed upon
our pathway, have had their origin in religion, and
may be traced in all their hallowed, healthful influences
to the Bible. With the dawn of childhood, then, in
the earliest days of intelligence, should the mind be
impressed and stored with religious truth, and nothing
should be allowed to exclude or efface it . It should be
taught so early that the mind will never remember
when it began to learn ; it will then have the char
acter of innate, inbred principles, incorporated with
their very being.
OBEDIENCE .

If you would not have all your instructions and

counsels ineffectual, teach your children to obey.
Government in a family is the great safeguard of
religion and morals, the support of order and the
source of prosperity. Nothing has a greater tendency
to bring a curse upon a family than the insubordina
tion and disobedience of children, and there is no
more painful and disgusting sight than an ungoverned
child .

INFLUENCE OF EXAMPLE.

Never forget that the first book children read is their

parent's example — their daily deportment. If this is
forgotten you may find, in the loss of your domestic
 HOME CULTURE . 229

peace, that while your children well know the right

path , they follow the wrong.
Childhood is like a mirror, catching and reflecting
images all around it. Remember that an impious,
profane or vulgar thought may operate upon the heart
of a young child like a careless spray of water upon
polished steel , staining it with rust that no efforts can
thoroughly efface.
Improve the first ten years of life as the golden
opportunity, which may nerer return . It is the seed
time, and your harvest depends upon the seed then
Sown .

THE INFLUENCE OF Books.

Few mothers can over-estimate the influence which
the companionship of books exert in youth upon the
habits and tastes of their children, and no mother
who has the welfare of her children at heart will
neglect the important work of choosing the proper
books for them to read, while they are under her care.
She should select for them such as will both interest
and instruct, and this should be done during the early
years, before their minds shall have imbibed the per
nicious teachings of bad books and sensational novels .
The poison imbibed from bad books works so secretly
that their influence for evil is even greater than the
influence of bad associates. The mother has it in her
power to make such books the companions and friends
of her children as her good judgment may select, and
to impress upon them their truths, by conversing with
230 HOME CULTURE .

them about the moral lessons or the intellectual instruc

tions they contain. A taste may be easily cultivated
for books on natural science and for history, as well
as for those that teach important and wholesome
lessons for the young, such as are contained in the
works of Mrs. Edgeworth , Mrs. Child , Mrs. Yonge,
and many other books written for the young.
 CHAPTR X XI .

Woman's Higher Education.

T has been seen that in the rearing and train

ing of her children, woman has a great work
perform , that in this work she exerts an
incalculable influence upon untold numbers,
and that she moulds the minds and characters of her
sons and daughters. How important, then, that she
should cultivate her mental faculties to the highest ex
tent, if for no other reason than to fit herself the better
for the performance of this great duty of educating her
children. How important it is, also, that she should
look to the higher education of her daughters, who, in
turn , will become mothers of future generations, or
may, perhaps, by some vicissitude of fortune, become
dependent upon their own resources for support. With
the highest culture of the mental faculties, woman will
be best enabled to faithfully perform whatever she may
undertake.

TRAIN Young WOMEN TO SOME OCCUPATION.

Owing to the changes in social and industrial life
which have crowded many women from their homes
(231)
232 WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION .

into business and public life, women must train for

their branch of labor as men train for their work , if
they wish to attain any degree of success. Even where
women have independent fortunes, their lives will be
all the happier if they have been trained to some occu
pation, that, in case of reverses, may be made a self
sustaining one. A young woman who is able to support
herself, increases her chances for a happy marriage, for,
not being obliged to rely upon a husband for support
or for a home, she is able to judge calmly of an offer
when it comes, and is free to accept or decline, because
of her independence . Women are capable of and
adapted to a large number of employments, which have
hitherto been kept from them, and some of these they
are slowly wrenching from the hands of the sterner sex.
In order that woman may enter the ranks of labor
which she is forcing open to herself, she needs a special
education and training to fit her for such employ
ment.

EDUCATION OF GIRLS TOO SUPERFICIAL.

The school instruction of our girls is too superficial.
There is a smattering of too many branches, where two
or three systematically studied and thoroughly mastered,
would accomplish much more for them in the way of a
sound mental training, which is the real object of edu
cation. The present method of educating young girls
is to give them from five to ten studies, in which they
prepare lessons, and this, too, at an age when their
physical development suffers and is checked by excess
 WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION . 233

of mental labor. Such a course of instruction, bestow

ing only a smattering of many branches, wastes the
powers of the mind, and deters, rather than aids, self
improvement. It is only a concentration of the mind
upon the thorough acquisition of all it undertakes that
strengthens the reflective, and forms the reasoning
faculties, and thus helps to lay a solid foundation for
future usefulness. The word education means to educe,
to draw out the powers of the mind ; not the cramming
into it of facts, dates and whole pages to be repeated
verbatim .
AN EDUCATION APPROPRIATE TO EACH SEX.
The fact is becoming more palpable every year that
there is an education appropriate to each sex ; that iden
tical education for the two sexes is so unnatural, that
physiology protests against it and experience weeps
over it. The physiological motto in education is,
“ Educate a man for manhood , a woman for woman
hood, and both for humanity.” Herbert Spencer, in
speaking of the want of a proper course of education
for girls, says : “ It is an astonishing fact that, though
on the treatment of offspring depend their lives or
deaths, and their moral welfare or ruin , yet not one
word of instruction on treatment of off-spring is ever
given to those who will, by and by, be parents. ” It
will thus be seen, that as women have the care, the
training and the education of children, they need an
education in a special direction, and should have a very
thorough one, to prepare them for that task .
234 WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION .

WOMEN SHOULD HAVE A KNOWLEDGE OF THE LAWS

OF IIEALTH.
Physiology is one of the branches of that higher edu
cation which should be thoroughly pursued by women
to enable them to fulfill the various duties of their
allotted stations. Yet it is also desirable that they
should have a thorough knowledge of all branches that
they undertake, and a mastery of the studies pursued
by them ; for the want of thoroughness in woman's
education is an obstacle to success in all branches of
labor. But woman should especially have a thorough
knowledge of the laws of physiology and hygiene. If
she becomes a mother, such knowledge will enable her
to guard better the lives and health of her children .
She will understand that when she sends out her child
insufficiently clad , and he comes home chilled through,
that his vitality, his power of resisting disease, is wasted .
She will know that by taking the necessary precautions,
she may save the child's life ; that she must not take
him , thus chilled, to the fire or into a room highly
heated, but that by gentle exercise or friction, she must
restore the circulation of the blood, and in using such
precautions, she may ward off the attacks of disease that
would surely follow if they were neglected. This is
but a single case, for there are instances of almost daily
occurence when a proper knowledge of the laws of
health will ward off disease, in her own case , as well
as in those of various members of her household . The
diseases which carry off children , are for the most part,
 WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION . 235

such as ought to be under the control of the women

who love them, pet them, educate them, and who would,
in many cases, lay down their lives for them .

RESULT OF IGNORANCE OF SANITARY LAWS.

Ignorance of the laws of ventilation in sleeping-rooms
and school- rooms is the cause of a vast amount of
disease. From ignorance of the signs of approaching
disease, children are often punished for idleness, list
lessness, sulkiness and willfulness, and this punishment
is too often by confinement in a closed room, and by
an increase of tasks ; when what is really needed is
more oxygen , more open -air exercise, and less study.
These forms of ignorance have too often resulted in
malignant typhus and brain fevers. Knowledge of the
laws of hygiene will often spare the waste of health
and strength in the young, and will also spare anxiety
and misery to those who love and tend them. If the
time devoted to the many trashy so-called “ accom
plishments,” in a young lady's education were given to
a study of the laws of preserving health, how many
precious lives might be spared to loving parents, and
how many frail and delicate forms, resulting from in
attention to physical training, might have become
strong and beautiful temples of exalted souls. We are
all in duty bound to know and to obey the laws of
nature, on which the welfare of our bodies depends, for
the full enjoyment of our faculties can only be attained
when the body is in perfect health .
236 WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION

IDLENESS A SOURCE OF MISERY.

Perhaps the greatest cause of misery and wretched
ness in social life is idleness. The want of something
to do is what makes people wicked and miserable. It
breeds selfishness, mischief-making, envy, jealousy and
vice, in all its most dreadful forms. It is the duty of
mothers to see that their daughters are trained to the
habits of industry, that their minds are at all times oc
cupied , that they are well informed as to household
duties, and to the duties of married life, for upon a
knowledge of household details may depend their life
long happiness or misery. It is frequently the case,
that a girl's education ends just as her mind is begin
ning to mature and her faculties are beginning to
develop. Her education ends when it ought properly
to begin. She enters upon marriage entirely unpre
pared, and, perchance, by some misfortune, she is
thrown penniless upon the world with no means of ob
taining a livelihood, for her education has never fitted
her for any vocation. Not having been properly taught
herself, she is not able to teach , and she finds no avenue
of employment open to her. An English clergyman,
writing upon this subject, says : “ Let girls take a
serious interest in art ; let them take up some congenial
study, let it be a branch of science or history. Let
them write. They can do almost anything they try to
do, but let their mothers never rest until they have
implanted in their daughters' lives one growing interest
beyond flirtation and gossip, whether it be work at the
 WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION, 237

easel, music, literature, the structure of the human

body and the laws of health, any solid interest that
will occupy their thoughts and their hearts. Idleness,
frivolity and ignorance can only be put down by edu
cation and employment. In the last resort, the spirit
of evil becomes teacher and task -master.”

WOMEN SHOULD CULTIVATE A SPIRIT OF INDEPEN

DENCE .

In this country more than any other, women should,

to some extent, cultivate a spirit of independence.
They should acquire a knowledge of how business is
transacted, of the relation between capital and labor,
and of the value of labor, skilled and unskilled . As
housekeepers, they would then be saved from many
annoyances and mistakes. If they chance to be left
alone, widows, or orphans possessing means, they would
be saved from many losses and vexatious experiences by
knowing how to transact their own business. And
those women who are obliged to take care of themselves,
who have no means, how necessary is it that they should
have a thorough knowledge of some occupation or busi
ness by which they can maintain themselves and others
dependent upon them. In this country, the daughter
brought up in affluence, may, by some rapid change of
fortune be obliged, upon arriving at maturity, to be
among the applicants for whatever employment she
may be fitted . If she has been trained to some useful
occupation , or if her faculties have been developed by
238 WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION .
a thoroughness of study of any subject she has under
taken , she will be better qualified to prepare herself to
fill any position which may be open to her. With a
mind drilled by constant study she will the more quick
ly acquire a knowledge and grasp the details of any sub
ject or business to which she may devote herself.
HEALTH AND LIFE DEPENDENT UPON A HIGHER
CULTURE.

Not only wealth and comfort, but health and life are
dependent upon a higher form of culture, a more thor
ough course of education than is now the standard.
Not more, but fewer branches of study and a more
thorough comprehension of those pursued. Not only
are the health and life of each woman dependent upon
the kind and degree of the education she receives, but
the health and lives of great numbers may depend upon
it. In proportion as she has a knowledge of the laws
and nature of a subject will she be able to work at it
easily, rapidly and successfully. Knowledge of physi
cal laws saves health and life, knowledge of the laws of
intellect sarco wear and tear of the brain , knowledge of
the laws of political economy and business affairs saves
anxiety and worrying.
CULTIVATION OF THE MORAL SENSE.
A well educated moral sense prevents idleness and
develops a well regulated character, which will preserve
from excess those tenderer emotions and deeper passions
of woman, which are potent in her for evil or for good,
 WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION. 239

in proportion as they are undisciplined and allowed to

run wild, or are trained and developed into a noble and
harmonious self-restraint.
The girl who has so educated and regulated her
intellect, her tastes, her emotions and her moral sense,
as to be able to discern the true, from the false, will be
ready for the faithful performance of whatever work in
life is allotted to her ; while she who is allowed to grow
up ignorant, idle, vain, frivolous, will find herself fitted
for no state of existence, and, in after years, with feel
ings of remorse and despair over a wasted life, may
cast reproach upon those in whose trust was reposed
her early education.
It is not for women alone that they should seek a ?
higher education of their faculties and powers, but for
the sake of the communities in which they live, for the
sake of the homes in which they rule and govern, and
govern inmortal souls, and for the sake of those other
homes in the humbler walks of life, where they owe
duties as ministering spirits as well as in their own, for
in proportion as they minister to the comfort and
health of others, so do they exalt their own souls.
Women should seek a higher education in order that
they may elevate themselves, and that they may prepare
themselves for whatever duty they may be called upon
to perform . In social life we find that the truest wives,
the most patient and careful mothers, the most excm
plary house-keepers, the model sisters, the wisest phi.
lanthropists and the women of the greatest social
influence are women of cultivated minds.
 CHAPTER XXII .

The Letter Writer.

FRENCH writer says, that the writing of a
note or letter, the wording of a regret, the
prompt or the delayed answering of an invi
tation , the manner of a salutation , the neglect
of a required attention, all betray to the well -bred the
degree or the absence of good - breeding.
A person who has self-respect as well as respect for
others, should never carelessly write a letter or note .
REQUIREMENTS FOR CORRECT WRITING.
The letter or note should be free from all flourishes.
The rules of punctuation should be followed as nearly
as possibly, and no capital letters used where they are
not required . Ink -blots, erasures and stains on the
paper are inadmissible . Any abbreviations of name,
rank or title are considered rude, beyond those sanc
tioned by custom. No abbreviations of words should
be indulged in, nor underlining of words intended to
be made emphatic. All amounts of money or other
numbers should be written , reserving the use of numeri
cal figures for dates only. It is a good form to have
the address of the writer printed at the top of the sheet,
(240 )
 THE LETTER WRITER . 241

especially for all business letters. For letters of friend

ship and notes , pure white paper and envelopes are in
better taste than tinted or colored , and the paper should
be of a superior quality. When a page is once written,
from left to right side, it should not be written over
again from top to bottom.
ANONYMOUS LETTERS.
No attention should ever be paid to anonymous
letters. The writers of such stamp themselves as cow
ardly, and cowards do not hesitate to say or write what
is not true when it suits their purpose. All statements
made in such letters should be regarded as false, and
the writers as actuated by some bad motives. Anony
mous letters should be burned at once , for they are not
to be noticed .

LETTERS AND NOTES.

The writing of notes in the third person is generally
confined to notes of invitation, and such notes are never
signed .
When a letter is upon business, commencing “ Sir ”
or “ Dear Sir , ” the name of the person addressed may
be written either at the beginning or at the close of the
letter, in the left hand corner. In letters commencing
with the name of the person to whom you are writing,
as , “ My Dear Mrs. Brown,” the name should not be
repeated in the left hand corner .
No notes should be commenced very high or very low
on the page, but nearer the top than the middle of the
sheet.
16
242 THE LETTER WRITER .

MANNER OF ADDRESS.

In addressing a clergyman, it is customary to com

mence “ Reverend Sir, ” or “ Dear Sır .” It is not now
customary to write “ B. A.” or “ M. A. ” after his
name.
Doctors of divinity and medicine are thus distin
guished : “ To the Rev. John Blair, D. D.,” or “ Rev.
Dr. Blair ; " “ To G. T. Roscoe, M. D.,” “Doctor Roscoe"
or “ Dr. Roscoe .”
The President of the United States and Governors of
States, are addressed “ His Excellency .” U. S. Sena
tors, members of Congress and men distinguished by
holding various political offices of an honorable nature,
are addressed as “ Honorable."

DEGREES OF FORMALITY OBSERVED.

In commencing and signing notes and letters there
is a difference of opinion in the degrees of formality to
be observed, but generally this scale is used according
to the degree of acquaintance or friendship. “ Madam ”
or “ Sir,” “ Dear Madam ” or “ Dear Sir," “My Dear
Madam ” or “ My Dear Sir, ” “ Dear Mrs. Brown " or
“ Dear Mr. Brown , ” “ My Dear Mrs. Brown ” or “ My
Dear Mr. Brown , ” “ My Dear Friend." In closing &
note, the degrees are implied as follows : " Truly
Yours ” or “ Yours Truly," “ Very Truly Yours,” “ Sin
cerely Yours,” “ Cordially Yours,” “ Faithfully Yours,"
“ Affectionately Yours.” The proper words should be
carefully selected, as the conclusion of a note or letter
 THE LETTER WRITER . 243

makes an impression on the person reading it. To

aged persons the form , “ With great respect, sincerely

yours," recommends itself as a proper form . “ Yours,
etc., " is considered a rude ending. If you are suf
ficiently well acquainted with a person to address her
“ My Dear Mrs. ” do not sign “Yours Truly ”
or “ Truly Yours, " as this is the form to be used in
writing to strangers or in business letters.
SIGNATURE OF LADIES.
A married lady should not sign herself with the
“ Mrs.” before her baptismal name, or a single lady
with the “Miss ." In writing to strangers who do not
know whether to address you as Mrs. or Miss, the ad
dress should be given in full, after signing your letter ;
as “ Mrs. John Smith ,” followed by the direction ; or
if unmarried, the “ Miss" should be placed in brackets a
short distance preceding the signature.
Only the letters of unmarried ladies and widows are
addressed with their baptismal names . The letters of
married ladies are addressed with their husbands' names ,
as “ Mrs. John Smith .”

LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION .
Letters of introduction should be brief and carefully
worded. Give in full the name of the person intro
duced, the city or town he is from , intimating the
mutual pleasure that you believe the acquaintance will
confer, adding a few remarks concerning the one in
troduced, as circumstances seem to reguire. Modest
244 THE LETTER WRITER .

persons sometimes shrink from delivering letters of in

troduction which appear to them to be undeservedly
complimentary. Letters of introduction are left un
sealed, to be sealed before delivery by the one intro
duced. They should receive immediate attention by
the parties who receive them . When a gentleman de
livers such a letter to a lady, he is at liberty to call
upon her, sending her his card to ascertain whether she
will receive him then, or appoint another hour that
will be more convenient. The same rule is to be ob
served by those whose stay in the city is short. He
may also send it to her with his card bearing his ad
dress.
A letter of introduction should not be given , unless
the person writing it is very well acquainted with the
one whom he introduces, and the one to whom he writes.
If the person who receives such a letter, is really well
bred , you will hear from him or her within twenty -four
hours, for a letter of introduction is said to be like a
draft, it must be cashed at sight. The one receiving it
either invites you to dine, or to meet others, or to a
drive, or to visit some place of amusement. Too great
caution cannot be exercised in giving a letter which
makes such demands upon an acquaintance.
When the letter of introduction is left with a card ,
if there is a gentleman in the family, he may call upon
the stranger the next day, unless some engagement pre
vents, when he should send his card with an invitation.
If the letter introduces a gentleman to a lady, she may
 THE LETTER WRITER. 245

write a note of invitation in answer, appointing a time

for him to call.
The following is an appropriate form for a letter of
introduction :
New YORK , December 20, 1880.
DEAR SIR : I take great pleasure in introducing to
you my esteemed friend, Miss Ida A. Thornton, a young
lady of culture and refinement, who will spend a few
months in your city. I am sure that an acquaintance
with her will be a pleasure to you, as it will also be to
Miss Thornton. Any favor you may show during her
stay in your city, I will consider a personal favor.
Yours Sincerely ,
To GEORGE MORRIS, MRS. J. Q. A. JONES.
Chicago.
The envelope should be addressed as follows :

Gee. Morris,, Esq.

1671 Jackson Street,
Chicago,
Introducing All.
Neiss Ada A Ghaintan

NOTES OF CONGRATULATION AND CONDOLENCE.

Notes of congratulation and condolence should be
brief, and the latter should only be sent by near and
intimate friends. Do not allude to any subject except
the one for which you are offering your congratulations

1
246 THE LETTER WRITER.

or sympathy Such notes should be made expressive of

real feeling, and not be mere matters of form .
INVITATION TO A RECEPTION.

For a general reception, invitations are printed on

cards. Their style is like the following, and do not
require an answer unless “ R. S. V. P." is upon one
corner.

Mrs. S. L. Ashton ,
At Hame
Wednesday Cuening, fanye
Sto il PMI
da 848 James St
INVITATIONS 10 A BALL.

The “ At Home" form of invitation for a reception

is often adopted for a ball with the word “ Dancing "
in one corner, though many people use the “ At Home "
form only for receptions. For balls the hours are not
limited as at receptions. When the above form is not
used for a ball , the invitation may read as follows :
“ Mrs. Blair requests the pleasure of Miss Milton's
company at a ball, on Tuesday, February 7, at 9
o'clock .
Invitations to a ball are always given in the name of
 THE LETTER WRITER . 247

the lady of the house, and require an answer, which

should not be delayed . If the invitation is accepted ,
the answer should be as follows :
“ Miss Milton accepts with pleasure Mrs. Blair's
kind invitation for Tuesday, February 7.
If it is found impossible to attend, a note of regrets,
something like the following, should be sent :
“ Miss Milton regrets that intended absence from
home (or whatever may be the preventing cause, )
prevents her accepting Mrs. Blair's kind invitation for
February 7. "
INVITATION TO A LARGE PARTY.

The invitation to a large party is similar to that for

a ball, only the words " at a ball " are omitted, and the
hour may be earlier. The notes of acceptance and
regret are the same as for a ball. If the party is a
small one, it should be indicated by inserting the
words, “ to a small evening party , ” so that there may
be no misunderstanding. A large party calls for full
evening dress, and it would be embarrassing for a lady
or gentleman to go to a house in full evening dress,
expecting to find a large party there in similar cos
tumes, and meet only a few friends and acquaintances
plainly dressed . If there is any special feature which
is to give character to the evening, it is best to mention
this fact in the note of invitation. Thus the words
“ musical party , ” “ to take part in dramatic readings,”
“ amateur theatricals," will denote the character of the
evening's entertainment. If you have programmes ,
enclose one in the invitation ,
248 THE LETTER WRITER .

INVITATION TO A PUBLIC ENTERTAINMENT.

An invitation from a gentleman to a lady to attend a

concert, lecture, theatre, opera or other amusement,
may read as follows:
“ Mr. Hayden would be pleased to have Miss Mor
ton's company to the Academy of Music, on Monday
evening, November 8, when “ Richelieu ” will be played
by Edwin Booth’s Company."
An invitation of this kind demands an immediate
answer of acceptance or regrets. A previous engage
ment may be a reason for rejection.

DINNER INVITATIONS.
These are written in the name of the husband and
wife, and demand an immediate reply. This form
may be used :
“ Mr. and Mrs. Eugene Snow request the pleasure of
Mr. and Mrs. Horace Allen's company at dinner, on
Tuesday, the 13th of January, at 7 o'clock . ”
A note of acceptance may read as follows:
“ Mr. and Mrs. Horace Allen accept with pleasure
Mr. and Mrs. Eugene Snow's kind invitation to dine
with them on Tuesday, the 13th inst. , at 7 o'clock.”
A note of regret may read :
“ Mr. and Mrs. Horace Allen regret exceedingly
that sickness in the family (or whatever the cause may
be) prevents the acceptance of Mr. and Mrs. Eugene
Snow's kind invitation to dine with them on Tuesday,
January 13 '
 THE LETTER WRITER . 249

INVITATIONS TO TEA.
An invitation to a tea -drinking may be less formal
and should partake more of the nature of a private
note ; thus :
“Dear Miss Brock : Some friends are coming to
drink tea with me on Thursday, and I should be glad of
the pleasure of your company also. Please do not dis
appoint me.”
An invitation of this informal nature needs no reply,
unless “R. S. V. P.” is appended, in which case the
answer must be returned , if possible, by the messenger
who brought it, or sent at once, as your friend may
depend upon having a certain number of people at her
tea-drinking, and if you cannot go, she will want to
supply your place.
LESS FORMAL INVITATIONS,
Invitations of a less formal character are sent for
charades, private theatricals, and for archery, croquet,
sailing and garden parties; but, however informal the
invitation (except only when a visiting card is used ) on
no account neglect to give immediate attention to it, by
sending an acceptance or a regret, for any want of cour
tesy in this respect is unpardonable,
PROMPTNESS IN ANSWERING .

All invitations requiring answers should be answered

as soon as possible after receiving them. The French
have a saying, applicable to all notes of invitation, to
the effect that it is as important to reply as promptly to
250 THE LETTER WRITER .

a note requiring an answer, as it is to a question in

speaking. All refined people who are accustomed to
the best social forms, consider that it would be an un
pardonable negligence to omit for a single day, replying
to an invitation or a note requiring a reply.
In accepting dinner invitations, repeat the hour and
day named in your letter of acceptance, in order that if
any mistake has been made it may be corrected .
Promptly acknowledge all attentions you receive,
such as receiving presents of books, flowers, etc.

EXPRESSIONS TO BE USED.

The expression “presents compliments” has become

obsolete in the writing of invitations. The expression
“ kınd ” or “ very kind ” invitation has taken the place
of “ polite, " in notes of acceptance or regret. Be par
ticular to distinguish between “ go " and “ come, " you
go to a friend's house and your friend comes to your
house,

TIME TO SEND INVITATIONS.

Invitations for parties and entertainments of a formal

nature, can be sent out for a week or two weeks before
the entertainment is to take place. A notice of not
less than one week is expected for such invitations.
They should be printed or engraved on small note paper
or large cards, with the envelopes to match, with no
colors in the monogram , if one is used.
 THE LETTER WRITER . 251

INVITATIONS FOR SEVERAL MEMBERS OF A FAMILY.

It is not considered good form to have one card of
invitation answer for several persons belonging to the
same family, or to address an invitation “ Mrs. Blank
and family," as it indicates a scarcity of cards. One
card or invitation may be sent to Mr. and Mrs. Blank,
and one each to the several members of the family who
are to be invited .

THE LEAST FORMAL INVITATIONS.

The least formal, of formal invitations, is when a
lady sends or leaves her own visiting card with the
invitation upon it. An invitation of this kind need
not be answered unless an “ R. S. V. P.” ( Respondez
s'il vous Plait) is on the card. You go or not, as you
please, but if you do not go, you call, or leave a card as
soon after as is convenient.

UNCIVIL ANSWERS.
Uncivil and curt, not to say rude answers, are some
times returned to invitations , more frequently the re
sult of carelessness in their writers than of premedi
tated rudeness.
“ Mr. and Mrs. Adam Brown regret that they can
not accept Mrs. Smith's invitation for Wednesday
evening ,
is a rude form of regret.
“ Mr. and Mrs. Adam Brown decline Mrs. Moses
Smith's invitation for Friday evening,”
is a still ruder form .
252 THE LETTER WRITER .

A curt and thoughtless reply is :

“ Mr. and Mrs. Adam Brown's compliments and re
grets for Friday evening. "
REASONS FOR REGRETS.
“ All regrets from persons who are not able to accept
invitations, should contain a reason for regreting , ” is a
rule strictly observed in our best society, and is con
sidered especially binding in answering a first invitation .
If persons are in mourning, they regret that a recent
bereavement prevents them from accepting. Those
contemplating being absent from home, regret that
contemplated absence from home prevents them from
accepting. “ A previous engagement" is made the
excuse when there is an engagement either at home or
away from it, and also when one has no inclination to
accept; which makes it quite necessary for those who
really regret their inability to accept, to mention what
that engagement is.
THE FAMILY LETTER.
It seems hardly necessary to give the form of a letter
from one member of a family to another. It is often
the case that letters sent from home to an absent mem
ber are decidedly unsatisfactory, if not to a great extent
of little interest outside of one or two facts mentioned.
Consequently some hint as to what those letters should
be, are here given. They should be written as though
the writer were talking, using familiar expressions, and
 THE LETTER WRITER. 253

such peculiarities as the writer possesses in ordinary

speech should find a place in the letter. The writer
may speak of many trivial things at and about home,
and gossipy matters in the neighborhood , and should
keep the absent one posted upon all minor facts and
occurrences, as well as the more important ones. The
writer may make inquiries as to how the absent one is
enjoying himself, whether he finds any place better
than home, and ask such other questions as he may
desire, concluding with sincere expressions of affection
from various members of the family. The absent one
may, in like manner, express himself freely on all sub
jects, describe his journey minutely, and speak of what
ever he may feel a deep interest in. In short, a family
letter may be as gossipy as the writer can make it,
without much regard to an attempt at showy or digni
fied composition.

THE LETTER OF FRIENDSHIP .

This should be of a more dignified tone, contain less

trivialties than the family letter, and should embrace
matters that will be of interest to both . A letter of
friendship should be answered in due time, according
to the intimacy of the parties, but should not be de
layed long enough to allow the friendship to cool, if
there is a desire to keep it warm .
THE LOVE LETTER.

Of this it may only be said, that while it may be

254 THE LETTER WRITER ,

expressive of sincere esteem and affection, it should be

of a dignified tone, and written in such a style, that if it
should ever come under the eyes of others, than the
party to whom it was written, there may be found in it
nothing of which the writer may be ashamed, either
of silliness or of extravagant expression.
BUSINESS LETTERS.

These should be brief and to the point, should be

of plain chirography, and relate to the business in
hand, in as few words and as clearly as possible.
Begin at once without apology or explanation, and
finish up the matter pertaining to the business. If an
apology or any explanation is due, it may be made
briefly at the close of the letter, after the business has
been attended to. A letter on business should be
answered at once, or as soon as possible after receiv
ing it.
It is allowable, in some cases, upon receiving a brief
business letter, to write the reply on the same page,
beneath the original letter, and return both letter and
answer together.
Among business letters may be classed all corres
pondence relating to business, applications for situa
tions, testimonials regarding the character of a servant
or employee, letters requesting the loan of money or
an article, and letters granting or denying the favor;
while all forms of drawing up notes, drafts and receipts
may properly be included. The forms of some of these
are here given .
 THE LETTER WRITER. 255

LETTERS REQUESTING EMPLOYMENT.

A letter of this kind should be short, and written
with care and neatness, that the writer may both show
his penmanship and his business-like qualities, which
are often judged of by the form of his letter. It may
be after this fashion :
NEW YORK, March 1 , 1880.
MESSRS. LORD & NOBLE,
DEAR SIRS :
Having heard that you are in need of more assistance
in your establishment ( or store, or office ,) I venture to
ask you for employment. I can refer you to Messrs.
Jones & Smith , my late employers, as to my qualifica
tions, should you decide to consider my application.
Yours truly,
JAMES ROBERTS.

LETTERS REGARDING THE CHARACTER OF A SERVANT.

DEAR MADAM : Sarah Riley, having applied to me
for the position of cook , refers me to you for a char
acter. I feel particularly anxious to obtain a good
servant for the coming winter, and shall therefore feel
obliged by your making me acquainted with any par
ticulars referring to her character, and remain ,
madam ,
Your very obedient servant,
MRS. GEORGE STONE.
To MRS. ALFRED STARK.

MRS. GEORGE STONE,

DEAR MADAM : It gives me pleasure to say that
Sarah Riley lived with me for two years, and during
that time I found her active , diligent and efficient.
She is a superior cook , and I havefull confidence in
256 THE LETTER WRITER .

her honesty. I feel that I can recommend her with

full confidence of her being likely to give you satis
faction . I am , madam ,
Your very obedient servant,
MRS. ALFRED STARK .

MRS. GEORGE Stone,

DEAR MADAM : In replying to your note of inquiry,
I beg to inform you that Sarah Riley, who lived with
me in the capacity of cook, leftmy services because I
did not find her temper and habits in all respects satis
factory. She was thoroughly competent as a cook, but
in other respects I cannot conscientiously recommend
her. I remain ,
Yours, very truly,
MRS. ALFRED STARK.

NOTES, DRAFTS, BILLS AND RECEIPTS.

The following are forms of notes, drafts, receipts,
etc .:

Promissory Note Without Interest.

$500. CINCINNATI , 0 , June 6, 1880.
Sixty days after date, I promise to pay Samuel
Archover, or order , at my office in Cincinnati, five
hundred dollars, value received.
TIMOTHY MORTGRAVE.

Promissory Note With Interest but not Negotiable.

$ 125.30 . CHICAGO, Sept. 2, 1880.
For value received , I promise to pay Daniel Cart
right one hundred and twenty -five dollars and thirty
cents, on August 12th next, with interest at seven per
cent. after January 1, 1881.
John S. ALLBRIGHT.
 THE LETTER WRITER . 257

A Negotiable Note Payable to Bearer.

$75. DETROIT, Mich. , Oct. 8, 1881.
Thirty days after date, for value received , I promise
to pay Silas G. Smithers, or bearer, at my office in
Detroit, seventy- five dollars with interest from date.
SAMUEL Q. PETTIBONE.
Form of a Receipt.
$25. NEW YORK, Nov. 3, 1880.
Received from James O. Mitchell, twenty -five dollars,
to apply on account. SMITH, JONES & Co,

Form of a Draft, Time from Sight.

$ 1,000 . DETROIT, MICH. , July 7, 1880.
At ten days sight, pay to the order of J. Smith & Co. ,
one thousand dollars, and charge the same to the ac
count of SHEPARD & NILES.
To SAMUEL STOKER & Co. ,
Indianapolis, Ind .
A Draft or Order “ Without Grace. "
$ 175 . CINCINNATI, OHIO, Aug. 12, 1880.
At sight, without grace , pay to F. B : Dickerson &
Co. , one hundred and seventy -five dollars, and charge
to the account of FERGUSON & ALLEN .
To TRADERS' NATIONAL BANK,
Cincinnati, Ohio.

Form of a Bill.
BUFFALO, N. Y. , Dec, 6, 1880.
MARTIN HUGHES, Dr.
To John J. HART.
Four volumes History of France, at $2.50 per volume,
$ 10.00.
17
Received payment.
 CHAPTER XXIII .

General Rules of Conduct..

N society, everybody should receive equal at

tention , the young as well as the old. A
high authority says, “ If we wish our young
people to grow up self-possessed and at ease,
we must early train them in those graces by giving them
the same attention and consideration we do those of
maturer years. If we snub them , and systematically
neglect them , they will acquire an awkwardness and a
deprecatory manner, which will be very difficult for
them to overcome. ”

GRACEFULNESS OF CARRIAGE.

Physical education is indispensible to every well - bred

man and woman . A gentleman should not only know
how to fence, to box, to ride, to shoot and to swim , but he
should also know how to carry himself gracefully, and
how to dance, if he would enjoy life to the uttermost.
A graceful carriage can best be attained by the aid of a
drilling master, as dancing and boxing are taught. A
man should be able to defend himself from ruffians, if
attacked, and also to defend women from their insults.
( 258 )
 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 259

Dancing and calisthenics are also essential for a lady .

for the better the physical training, the more graceful
and self-possessed she will be. Every lady should know
how to dance, whether she intends to dance in society
or not. Swimming, skating, archery, games of lawn.
tenis, and croquet, riding and driving, all aid in
strengthening the muscles and giving open -air exercise,
and are therefore desirable recreations for the young of
both sexes .

ATTITUDE.
Awkwardness of attitude is a mark of vulgarity.
Lolling, gesticulating, fidgeting, handling an eye-glass,
a watch -chain , or the like, give an air of gaucherie. A
lady who sits cross-legged or sidewise on her chair, who
stretches out her feet, who has a habit of holding her
chin, or twirling her ribbons or fingering her buttons ;
a man who lounges in his chair, nurses his jeg, bites
his nails, or caresses his foot crossed over on his knee,
shows clearly a want of good home training. Each
should be quiet and graceful , either in their sitting or
standing position , the gentleman being allowed more
freedom than the lady. He may sit cross- legged if he
wish, but should not sit with his knecs far apart, nor
with his foot on his knee. If an object is to be indi .
cated, you must move the whole hand , or the head , but
never point the finger.
COUGHING, SNEEZING, ETC.
Coughing, sneezing, clearing the throat, etc. , if done
260 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT.

at all, must be done as quickly as possible. Snuffling,

hawking and expectorating must never be done in
society. A sneeze can be checked by pressing the
thumb or fingers firmly across the bridge of the nose.
If not checked, the face should be buried in the hand
kerchief, during the act of sneezing, for obvious
reasons .

ANECDOTES, PUNS AND REPARTEES.

Anecdotes should be seldom brought into a conver
sation. Puns are always regarded as vulgar. Repartee
should be indulged in with moderation , and never kept
up, as it degenerates into the vulgarity of an alter
cation .

A SWEET AND PURE BREATH.

The breath should be kept sweet and pure. Onions
are the forbidden fruit, because of their offensiveness
to the breath . No gentleman should go into the pres
ence of ladies smelling of tobacco.
SMOKING.
It is neither respectful nor polite to smoke in the
presence of ladies, even though they have given per
mission, nor should a gentleman smoke in a room which
ladies are in the habit of frequenting. In those homes
where the husband is permitted to smoke in any room
of the house, the sons will follow the father's example,
and the air of the rooms becomes like that of a public
house.
 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 261

SUPPRESSION OF EMOTION .
Suppression of undue emotion . whether of laughter
of anger, of mortification , of disappointment 01 of
selfishness in any form , is a mark of good breeding.
A Good LISTENER

To be a good listener is almost as great an art as

to be a good talker ; but it is not enough only to listen ,
you must endeavor to seem interested in the conver
sation of those who are talking. Only the low-bred
allow their impatience to be manifest.
GIVE PRECEDENCE TO OTHERS.
Give precedence to those older or of higher social
position than yourself, unless they require you to take
the precedence, when it is better to obey than to refuse.
Be more careful to give others their rank of precedence
than to take your own.
BE MODERATE.
Always express your own opinions with modesty, and
if called upon, defend them , but without that warmth
which may lead to hard feelings. Do not enter into
argument. Having spoken your mind, and thus
shown you are not cowardly in your beliefs and opinions
drop the subject and lead to some other topic. There
is seldom any profit in idle discussion.
SINGING AND PLAYING IN SOCIETY.
A lady in company should never exhibit any anxiety
262 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT.

to sing or play ; but being requested to do so, if she

intends to comply, she should do so at once, without
waiting to be urged. If she refuses, she should do it
in a manner that shall make her decision final. Hav
ing complied, she should not monopolize the evening
with her performances, but make room for others.
RECEIVING AND MAKING PRESENTS.
Emerson says : “ Our tokens of love are for the
most part barbarous, cold and lifeless, because they do
not represent our life. The only gift is a portion of
thyself. Therefore let the farmer give his corn ;
the miner his gem ; the sailor, coral or shells ; the
painter his picture, and the poet his poem .” To per
sons of refined nature, whatever the friend creates
takes added value as part of themselves - part of their
lives as it were , having gone into it. People of the
highest rank, abroad, will often accept, with gratitude,
a bit of embroidery done by a friend, a poem inscribed
to them by an author ; a painting executed by some
artist ; who would not care for the most expensive
bauble that was offered them. Mere costliness does not
constitute the soul of a present ; it is the kind feeling
that it manifests which gives it its value. People who
possess noble natures do not make gifts where they feel
neither affection nor respect, but their gifts are be
stowed out of the fullness of kind hearts.
A present should be acknowledged without delay,
but you must not follow it quickly by a return. It is
 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 263

to be taken for granted that a gift is intended to afford

pleasure to the recipient, not to be regarded as a
question of investment or exchange. Never allude
to a present you have given, unless you have reason to
fear that it has not been received by the person to whom
it was sent.
Unmarried ladies should not accept presents from
gentlemen who are neither related nor engaged to them ,
nor indebted to them for some marked favors. A mar
ried lady may accept presents from a gentleman who is
indebted to her for hospitality .
In presenting a book to a friend, do not write in it
the name of the person to whom it is given. But this
is a rule better honored in its breach than in its ob
servance, when the giver of the book is its author.
Presents made by a married lady to a gentleman,
should be in the name of both herself and her hus
band.
Never refuze a present if offered in kindliness, unless
the circum.stances are such that you cannot, with pro
priety, receive it. Nor, in receiving a present, make
such comments as would seem to indicate that your
friend cannot afford to make the present. On the other
hand, never make a present which you cannot afford to
make. In that case the recipient, if he or she knows
anything of your circumstances, will think that you
had better kept it yourself.
GOVERNING OUR MOODS.
We should subdue our gloomy moods before we enter
264 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT.

society. To look pleasantly and to speak kindly is a

duty we owe to others. Neither should we aflict them
with any dismal account of our health , state of mind
or outward: circumstances. Nevertheless, if another
makes us the confidant of his woes, we should strive to
appear sympathetic, and if possible help him to be
stronger under them. A lady who shows by act, or ex
presses in plain , curt words, that the visit of another is
unwelcome, may perhaps pride herself upon being no
hypocrite. But she is, in reality, worse . She is grossly
selfish. Courtesy requires her, for the time being, to
forget her own feelings, and remember those of her
visitor, and thus it is her duty to make that visitor
happy while she remains.
A LADY DRIVING WITH A GENTLEMAN.
When , lady offers to drive a gentleman in her
phæton, he should walk to her house, if he accepts the
invitation, unless, the distance being great, she should
propose to call for him. In that case he will be on the
watch, so as not to keep her waiting, and, if possible,
meet her on the way.
AN INVITATION CANNOT BE RECALLED.
An invitation, once given, cannot be recalled, even
from the best motives, without subjecting the one who
recalls it to the charge of being either ignorant or
regardless of all conventional rules of politeness.
There is but one exception to this rule, and that is
when the invitation has been delivered to the wrong
person ,
 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 265

Avoid TALKING OF PERSONALITIES.

Avoid speaking of your birth, your travels and of all
personal matters to those who may misunderstand you,
and consider it boasting. When induced to speak of
them, do not dwell too long upon them, and do not
speak boastfully.
ABOUT PERSONS' NAMES.
Do not speak of absent persons, who are not relatives
or intimate friends, by their Christian names or
surnames, but always as Mr. or Mrs. > or

Miss Never name anyone by the first letter of

his name as, “ Mr. C.” Give a foreigner his name in
full when speaking of him.

Suun GOSSIP AND TALE-BEARING .

Gossip and tale-bearing are always a personal con
fession either of malice or imbecility. The young of
both sexes should not only shun these things, but, by
the most thorough culture, relieve themselves from all
temptation in that direction.

REMOVING THE HAT.

A gentleman never sits in the house with his hat
on in the presence of ladies. Indeed, a gentleman
instinctively removes his hat as soon as he enters a
room, the habitual resort of ladies. A gentleman never
retains his hat in a theater or other place of public
entertainment.
266 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT.

TREATMENT OF INFERIORS.
Never affect superiority. In the company of an
inferior never let him feel his inferiority. If you in
vite an inferior as your guest, treat him with all the
politeness and consideration you would show an
equal.
INTRUDING ON PRIVACY .
Never enter a private room anywhere without knock
ing. Sacredly respect the private property of others,
and let no curiosity tempt you to pry into letters, desks,
packets, trunks or other belongings of another. It is
ill-mannered to read a written paper lying upon a table
or desk ; whatever it may be, it is certainly no business
of yours. No person should ever look over the shoul
der of another who is reading or writing . You must
not question a servant or child upon family affairs.
Never betray an implied confidence, even if you have
not been bound to secrecy.
KEEPING ENGAGEMENTS.

Nothing is more rude than to make an engagement,

be it of business or pleasure, and break it. If your
memory is not sufficiently retentive to keep all the en
gagements you make, carry a little memorandum book,
and enter them there.
VALUE OF POLITENESS .

Chesterfield says : “ As learning, honor and virtue

are absolutely necessary to gain you the esteem and
admiration of mankind, politeness and good -breeding
 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 267

are equally necessary to make you welcome and agree

able in conversation and common life. Great talents,
such as honor, virtue, learning and arts, are above the
generality of the world, who neither possess them
themselves, nor Judge of them rightly in others; but all
people are judges of the lesser talents, such as civility,
affability, and an obliging, agreeable address and man
ner ; because they feel the good effects of them, as
making society easy and pleasing."
ADAPTING YOURSELF TO OTHERS.

Conform your conduct as far as possible to the com

pany you chance to be with, only do not throw yourself
into improper company. It is better even to laugh at
and join in with vulgarity, so that it do not degenerate
into indecency, than to set yourself up as better, and
better-mannered than those with whom you may chance
to be associated. True politeness and genuine good
manners often not only permit but absolutely demand
a temporary violation of the ordinary obligations of
etiquette.
A WOMAN'S GOOD NAME.
Let no man speak a word against a woman at any
time, or mention a woman's name in any company
where it should not be spoken . “ Civility , ' says Lord
Chesterfield, “ is particularly due to all women ; and
remember that no provocation whatsoever can justify
any man in not being civil to every woman ; and the
greatest man would justly be reckoned a brute if he
268 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT .

were not civil to the meanest woman . It is due to

their sex , and is the only protection they have against
the superior strength of ours."
Do Not CONTRADICT.
Never directly contradict anyone. Say, “ I beg your
pardon , but I think you are mistaken or misinformed ,
or some such similar phrase which shall break the
weight of direct contradiction . Where the matter is
unimportant it is better to let it pass without correc
tion.

EXPRESSING UNFAVORABLE OPINIONS.

You should be exceedingly cautious about expressing

an unfavorable opinion relative to a young lady to a
young man who appears to be attracted by, and attentive
to her. If they should marry, the remembrance of
your observations will not be pleasurable to yourself
nor the married parties.
A CONVERSATION CHECKED .

If a person checks himself in a conversation, you

should not insist on hearing what he intended to say.
There was some good reason for checking himself, and
it might cause him unpleasant feelings to urge him to
carry out his first intentions.

VULGARITIES.

Some of the acts which may be classed as vulgarities

when committed in the presence of others are given :
 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT . 269

To sit, with your back to a person, without asking to

be excused .
To stand or sit with the feet wide apart.
To hum, whistle or sing in suppressed tones.
To stand with the arms akimbo ; to lounge or yawn
or to do anything which shows disrespect, selfishness or
indifference .
To correct inaccuracies in the statements of others, or
in their modes of speech.
To use profane language, or stronger expressions than
the occasion justifies.
To chew tobacco and its unnecessary accompaniment,
spitting, are vulgar in the extreme.
MISCELLANEOUS RULES.
A gentleman precedes a lady passing through a crowd ;
ladies precede gentlemen under ordinary circumstances.
Give your children, unless married , their Christian
names only, or say “ my daughter ” or “ my son,” in
speaking of them to any one except servants.
Ladies in escorting each other, never offer or take the
arm ,

Acknowledge an invitation to stop with a friend , or

any unusual attention , without delay.
Never boast of birth, money or friends, or of any
superior advantages you may possess.
Never ridicule others, be the objects of your ridicule
present or absent.
Always show respect for the religious opinions and
270 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT.

observances of others, no matter how much they may

differ from your own.
You should never scratch your head, pick your teeth,
clean your nails or pick your nose in company.
Never lean your head against the wall, as you may
disgust your wife or hostess by soiling the paper of her
room .
Never slam a door or stamp noisily on entering a
room .

Always be punctual. You have no right to waste the

time of others by making them wait for you.
Always hand a chair for a lady, pick up her glove and
perform any little service she may seem to require.
Never attract attention to yourself by talking or
laughing loudly in public gatherings.
Keep yourself quiet and composed under all circum
stances. Do not get fidgety. If you feel that time
drags heavily, do not let this be apparent to others by
any visible sign of uneasiness.
Refrain from absent-mindedness in the presence of
others. You pay them a poor compliment if you thus
forget them .
Never refuse to accept an apology for an offense,
and never hesitate to make one, if one is due from
you .
Never answer another rudely or impatiently. Re
ply courteously, at whatever inconvenience to yourself.
Never intrude upon a business man or woman in
business hours unless you wish to see them on business.
 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 271

Never engage a person in private conversation in

presence of others, nor make any mysterious allusions
which no one else understands.
On entering a room, bow slightly as a general saluta
tion , before speaking to each of the persons assembled.
Do not seem to notice by word oi glance, the de
formity of another.
To administer reproof to anyone in the presence
of others is very impolite. To scold at any time is
unwise.
Never undertake a commission for a friend and neg
lect to perform it.
Never play a practical joke upon anyone, or answer
a serious remark by a flippant one.
Never lend a borrowed book, and never keep such a
book a single day after you are done with it.
Never pass between two persons who are talking to
gether ; and never pass before persons when it is possible
to pass behind them . When such an act is absolutely
necessary , always apologize for so doing.
“ Never speak of a man's virtues before his face, or
his faults behind his back ,” is a maxim to be remem
bered .
Another maxim is, “ In private watch your thoughts
in your family watch your temper ; in society watch
your tongue."
Never address a mere acquaintance by his or her
Christian name. It is a presumption at which the
acquaintance may take offense,
272 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUDT.

Haughtiness and contempt are among the habits to

be avoided. The best way is to deal courteously with
the rude as well as with the courteous.
In the presence of others, talk as little of yourself as
possible, or of the business or profession in which you
are engaged.
It shows a want of courtesy to consult your watch ,
either at home or abroad. If at home, it appears as
though you were tired of your company, and wished
them to be gone. If abroad , it appears as though the
hours dragged heavily, and you were calculating how
soon you would be released .
Do not touch or handle any of the ornaments in the
house where you visit. They are intended to be ad
mired , not handled by visitors.
Do not read in company. A gentleman or lady may,
however, look over a book of engravings or a collection
of photographs with propriety.
Every species of affectation should be avoided, as it is
always detected , and exceedingly disagreeable.
WASHINGTON'S MAXIMS.

Mr. Sparks, in his biography of Washington , has

given to the public a collection of Washington's direc
tions as to personal conduct, which he called his
“ Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company."
We give these rules entire, as the reader may be in
terested in learning the principles which governed the
conduct of the “ Father of his Country.”
 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 273

Every action in company ought to be with some sign

of respect to those present.
In the presence of others sing not to yourself with
a humming voice, nor drum with your fingers or feet.
Speak not when others speak , sit not when others
stand and walk not when others stop.
Turn not your back to others, especially in speaking;
jog not the table or desk on which another reads or
writes, lean not on anyone.
Be no flatterer, neither play with anyone that delights
not to be played with.
Read no letters, books or papers in company; but
when there is a necessity for doing it, you must not
leave. Come not near the books or writings of anyone
so as to read them unasked ; also look not nigh when
- another is writing a letter.
Let your countenance be pleasant, but in serious
matters somewhat grave.
Show not yourself glad at the misfortune of another,
though he were your enemy.
They that are in dignity or office have in all places
precedency, but whilst they are young, they ought to
respect those that are their equals in birth or other
qualities, though they have no public charge.
It is good manners to prefer them to whom we speak
before ourselves, especially if they be above us .
Let your discourse with men of business be short and
comprehensive.
In visiting the sick do not presently play the physician
if you be not knowing therein .
In writing or speaking, give to every person his due
title according to his degree and the custom of the place
Strive not with your superiors in argument, but al
ways submit your judgment to others with modesty.
Undertake not to teach your equal in the art he him.
self professes; it savors arrogancy. 18
274 GENERAL RULES OF ( ONDUCT .

When a man does all he can , though it succeeds not

well, blame not him that did it.
Being to advise or reprehend anyone, consider
whether it ought to be in public or in private, presently
or at some other time, also in what terms to do it ; and
in reproving show no signs of choler, but do it with
sweetness and mildness.
Mock not nor jest at anything of importance ;
break no jests that are sharp or biting, and if you de
liver anything witty or pleasant, abstain from laughing
thereat yourself.
Wherein you reprove another be unblamable yourself,
for example is more prevalent than precept.
Use no reproachful language against any one, neither
curses or revilings.
Be not hasty to believe flying reports to the dispar
agement of anyone.
In your apparel be modest, and endeavor to accom
modate nature rather than procure admiration. Keep
to the fashion of your equals, such as are civil and or
derly with respect to time and place.
Play not the peacock, looking everywhere about you
to see if you be well decked, if your shoes fit well, if
your stockings set neatly and clothes handsomely.
Associate yourself with men of good quality if you
esteem your reputation , for it is better to be alone than
in bad company.
Let your conversation be without malice or envy, for
it is a sign of tractable and commendable nature ; and
in all causes of passion admit reason to govern.
Be not immodest in urging your friend to discover a
secret.
Utter not base and frivolous things amongst grown
and learned men, nor very difficult questions or subjects
amongst the ignorant, nor things hard to be believed.
Speak not of doleful things in time of mirth nor at
 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 275

the table ; speak not of melancholy things, as death and

wounds ; and if others mention them , change, if you
can, the discourse. Tell not your dreams but to your
intimate friends.
Break not a jest when none take pleasure in mirth.
Laugh not aloud, nor at all without occasion . Deride
no man's misfortunes, though there seem to be some
cause.
Speak not injurious words, neither in jest nor earnest .
Scoff at none, although they give occasion.
Be not forward, but friendly and courteous, the first
to salute, hear and answer, and be not pensive when it
is time to converse.
Detract not from others, but neither be excessive in
commending
Go not thither where you know not whether you
shall be welcome or not. Give not advice without being
asked ; and when desired, do it briefly.
If two contend together, take not the part of either
unconstrained , and be not obstinate in your opinion ; in
things indifferent be of the major side.
Reprehend not the imperfection of others, for that
belongs to parents, masters and superiors.
Gaze not on the marks or blemishes of others, and
ask not how they came. What you may speak in secret
to your friend deliver not before others.
Speak not in an unknown tongue in company, but
in your own language; and that as those of quality
do, and not as the vulgar. Sublime matters treat
seriously.
Think before you speak ; pronounce not imperfectly,
nor bring out your words too heartily, but orderly and
distinctly .
When another speaks, be attentive yourself, and dis
turb not the audience. If any hesitate in his words,
help him not, nor prompt him without being desired ;
276 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT.

interrupt him not, nor answer him till his speech be

ended .
Treat with men at fit times about business, and whis
per not in the company of others.
Make no comparisons; and if any of the company be
commended for any brave act of virtue, commend not
another for the same.
Be not apt to relate news if you know not the
truth thereof. In discoursing of things that you have
heard, name not your author always . A secret dis
cover not.
Be not curious to know the affairs of others, neither
approach to those that speak in private.
Undertake not what you cannot perform ; but be
careful to keep your promise.
When you deliver a matter, do it without passion
and indiscretion, however mean the person may be you
do it to.
When your superiors talk to anybody, hear them ;
neither speak norlaugh.
In disputes be not so desirous to overcome as not to
give liberty to each one to deliver his opinion, and sub
mit to the judgment of the major part, especially if
they are judges of the dispute.
Be not tedious in discourse, make not many di
gressions, nor repeat often the same matter of dis
course.
Speak no evil of the absent, for it is unjust.
Be not angry at table, whatever happens; and if you
have reason to be so show it not ; put on a cheerful
countenance, especially if there be strangers, for good
humor makes one dish a feast.
Set not yourself at the upper end of the table ;
but if it be your due, or the master of the house will
have it so, contend not, lest you should trouble the
company.
 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 277

When you speak of God or his attributes, let it bo

seriously, in reverence and honor, and obey your natura)
parents.
Let your recreations be manful , not sinful.
Labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of
celestial fire called conscience.
 CHAPTER XXIV .

Anniversary Weddings.

HE custom of celebrating anniversary wed

dings has, of late years, been largely prac
ticed , and they have become a very pleasant
means of social reunion among the relatives
and friends of both husband and wife. Often this is
the only reason for celebrating them, and the occasion
is sometimes taken an advantage of to give a large party,
of a more informal nature than could be given under
other circumstances. The occasion becomes one of the
memorable events in the life of the couple whose wed
ding anniversary is celebrated. It is an occasion for
recalling the happy event which brought to each a new
existence, and changed the current of their lives. It is
an occasion for them to receive congratulations upon
their past married life, and wishes for many additional
years of wedded bliss.
Upon these occasions the married couple sometimes
appear in the costumes worn by them on their wedding
day, which they have preserved with punctilious care,
and when many years have intervened the quaintness
and oddity of the style of dress from the prevailing
( 278 )
 ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS. 279

style is a matter of interest, and the occasion of pleasant

comments. The couple receive their guests together,
who upon entering the drawing -room , where they are
receiving, extend to them their congratulations and
wishes for continued prosperity and happiness. The
various anniversaries are designated by special names,
indicative of the presents suitable on each occasion,
should guests deem it advisable to send presents. It
may be here stated that it is entirely optional with
parties invited as to whether any presents are sent or
taken. At the earlier anniversaries, much pleasantry
and amusement is occasioned by presenting unique and
fantastic articles, gotten up for the occasion. When
this is contemplated , care should be taken that they
should not be such as are liable to give offense to a per
son of sensitive nature.

THE PAPER, COTTON AND LEATHER WEDDING.

The first anniversary of the wedding-day is called the
Paper Wedding, the second the Cotton Wedding, and
the third the Leather Wedding. The invitations to the
first should be issued on a grey paper, representing thin
cardboard. Presents, if given, should be solely articles
made of paper .
The invitations for the cotton wedding should be
neatly printed on fine cotton cloth , and presents should
be of articles of cotton cloth .
For the leather wedding invitations should be issued
upon leather, tastily gotten up, and presents, of course,
should be articles made of leather.
280 ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS .

THE WOODEN WEDDING.

The wooden wedding is the fifth anniversaży of the

marriage. The invitations should be upon thin cards
of wood, or they may be written on a sheet of wedding
note paper, and a card of wood enclosed in the envelope.
The presents suitable to this occasion are most nu
merous, and many range from a wooden paper knife or
trifling article for kitchen use up to a complete set of
parlor or chamber furniture,

TAE TIN WEDDING.

The tenth anniversary of the marriage is called the

tin wedding. The invitations for this anniversary may
be made upon cards covered with a tin card enclosed.
The guests, if they desire to accompany their con
gratulations with appropriate presents, have the whole
list of articles manufactured by the tinner's art from
which to select.

THE CRYSTAL WEDDING.

The crystal wedding is the fifteenth anniversary. In

vitations may be on thin, transparent paper, or colored
sheets of prepared gelatine, or on ordinary wedding
note paper, enclosing a sheet of mica. The guests
make their offerings to their host and hostess of trifles
of glass, which may be more or less valuable, as the
donor feels inclined.
 ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS. 281

THE CHINA WEDDING .

The china wedding occurs on the twentieth anniver

sary of the wedding -day. Invitations should be issued
on exceedingly fine, semi-transparent note-paper or
cards. Various articles for the dining or tea - table or
for the toilet- stand, vases or mantel ornaments, all are
appropriate on this occasion.
THE SILVER WEDDING .
The silver wedding occurs on the twenty -fifth mar
riage anniversary. The invitations issued for this wed
ding should be upon the finest note paper, printed in
bright silver, with monogram or crest upon both paper
and envelope, in silver also. If presents are offered by
any of the guests, they should be of silver, and may be
the merest trifles or more expensive, as the means and
inclinations of the donors incline.

THE GOLDEN WEDDING.

The close of the fiftieth year of married life brings
round the appropriate time for the golden wedding.
Fifty years of married happiness may indeed be crowned
with gold. The invitations for this anniversary cele
bration should be printed on the finest note paper in
gold, with crest or monogram on both paper and en
velope in highly-burnished gold. The presents, if any
are offered, are also in gold.
THE DIAMOND WEDDING.
Rarely, indeed , is a diamond wedding celebrated.
282 ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS .

This should be held on the seventy -fifth anniversary of

the marriage.day. So seldom are these occurrences
that custom has sanctioned no particular style or form
to be observed in the invitations. They might be issued
upon diamond-shaped cards, enclosed in envelopes of a
corresponding shape. There can be no general offering
of presents at such a wedding, since diamonds in any
number are beyond the means of most persons.
PRESENTS AT ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS.
It is not, as before stated, required that an invitation
to an anniversary wedding be acknowledged by a val
uable gift, or indeed by any. The donors on such
occasions are usually only members of the family or
intimate friends , and may act at their own discretion
in the matter of giving presents.
On the occasion of golden or silver weddings, it 18
not amiss to have printed at the bottom of the invita
tion the words “ No presents, " or to enclose a card
announcing
“ It is preferred that no wedding gifts be offered .”
INVITATIONS TO ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS.
The invitations to anniversary weddings may vary
something in their wording, according to the fancy of
the writer, but they are all similar. They should give
the date of the marriage and the anniversary. They
may or may not give the name of the husband at the
right-hand side and the maiden name of the wife at the
left. What the anniversary is should also be indicated.
 ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS. 283

The following form will serve as a model :

1855-1880.
The pleasure of your company is requested at the
SILVER WEDDING RECEPTION
of
MR. AND MRS. CYRUS JENNINGS ,
On Thursday evening, November 13th , at nine o'clock.
25 Jackson avenue.
R. S. V. P.
A proper variation will make this form equally
suitable for any of the other anniversary weddings.
MARRIAGE CEREMONY AT ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS.
It is not unusual to have the marriage ceremony re,
peated at these anniversary weddings, especially at the
silver or golden wedding. The earliest anniversaries
are almost too trivial occasions upon which to introduce
this ceremony. The clergyman who officiates may so
change the exact words of the marriage ceremony as to
render them appropriate to the occasion.
 CHAPTER XXV .

Births and Christenings.

9 $ PON the announcement of the birth of a child.
the lady friends of the mother send her their
cards, with inquiries after her health. As
soon as she is strong enough to permit, the
mother returns her own card to all from whom she re
ceived cards and inquiries, with “ thanks for kind
inquiries." Her lady friends then make personal visits,
but gentlemen do not call upon the mother on these
occasions. If they wish , they may pay their visits to
the father, and inquire after the health of the mother
and child.

NAMING THE CHILD.

It becomes an all-important matter to the parents,
what name they shall give to the newly-born child, and
as this is a matter which may also concern the latter at
some future day, it becomes an object of solicitude,
until a suitable name is settled upon. The custom in
Scotland is to name the first son after the father's
father, and the first daughter after the mother's mother ;
the second son after the father, the second daughter
after the mother, and succeeding children after other
( 284 )
 BIRTHS AND CHRISTENINGE . 285

near relations. This perpetuates family names, and if

they are persons whose names are regarded as worthy of
perpetuation, it may be considered a good custom to
follow. With some it is customary to name children
after some renowned person , either living or dead.
There are objections to this plan, however, for if the
person be still living, he may commit some act which
will bring opprobrium to his name, and so cause both
the parent and child to be ashamed of bearing such a
disgraced name. If the person after whom the child is
named be dead, it may be that the child's character
may be so entirely different from the person who
formerly bore it, that the name shall be made a re- ,
proach or satire.
The plan of reviving the old Saxon names has been
adopted by some, and it has been claimed that the
names of Edgar, Edwin , Arthur, Alfred , Ethel , Maud,
Edith, Theresa, and many other of the Saxon names
are pleasant sounding and strong, and a desirable con
trast to the Fannies, Mamies, Minnies, Lizzies, Sadies,
and other petty diminutives which have taken the place
of better sounding and stronger names.
THE CHRISTENING .

The christening and the baptism usually occur at the

same time, and are regulated according to the practices
of the special church where the parents attend worship.
As these are quite varied, it will be sufficient only to
indicate the forms and customs which society imposes
at such times.
286 BIRTHS AND CHRISTENINGS.

GODPATENTS OR SPONSORS.
In the Episcopal Church there are two, and some
times three, god parents or sponsors. If the child is a
boy, there are two godfathers and one godmother. If a
girl, two god mothers and one godfather. The persons
selected for godparents should be near relatives or
friends of long and close standing, and should be mem
bers of the same church into which the child is bap
tized. The maternal grandmother and paternal grand
father usually act as sponsors for the first child, the
maternal grandfather and paternal grandmother for
the second. A person invited to act as godparent
should not refuse without good reason. If the grand
parents are not selected, it is an act of courtesy to select
the godmother, and allow her to designate the god
father. Young persons should not stand sponsors to an
infant; and none should offer to act unless their superior
position warrants them in so doing.
PRESENTS FROM GODPARENTS .

The sponsors must make their godchild a present of

some sort-a silver mug, a knife, spoon and fork, a
handsomely- bound bible, or perhaps a costly piece of
lace or embroidery suitable for infants' wear. The
godfather may give a cup, with name engraved, and
the godmother the christening robe and cap.
THE CHRISTENING CEREMONY.
Upon entering the church the babe is carried first in
 BIRTHS AND CHRISTENINGS. 287

the arms of its nurse. Next come the sponsors, and

after them the father and the mother, if she is able to
be present. The invited guests follow. In taking their
places the sponsors stand, the godfather on the right
and the godmother on the left of the child . When the
question is asked , “ Who are the sponsors for the child ?”
the proper persons should merely bow their heads, with
out speaking
In the Roman Catholic Church baptism takes place
at as early a date as possible. If the child does not
seem to be strong, a priest is sent for at once, and the
ceremony is performed at the mother's bedside. If, on
the other hand , the child is healthy, it is taken to the
church within a few days after its birth. Ir Protestant
churches the ceremony of baptism is usually deferred
until the mother is able to be present. If the cere
mony is performed at home, a carriage must be sent
for the clergyman , and retained to convey him back
again after the ceremony is concluded . A luncheon
may follow the christening, though a collation of cake
and wine will fill all the requirements of etiquette. It
is the duty of the godfather to propose the health of
the infant,

PRESENTS FROM GUESTS.

Friends invited to a christening should remember the

babe in whose honor they convene by some trifling gift.
Gentlemen may present an article of silver, ladies some
thing of their own manufacture.
288 BIRTHS AND CHRISTENINGS .

THE HERO OF THE OCCASION.

It should be remembered that the baby is the person
of the greatest importance on these occasions, and the
guests should give it a large share of attention and
praise. The parents, however, must not make this
duty too onerous to their guests by keeping a tired ,
fretful child on exhibition. It is better to send it at
once to the care of the nurse as soon as the ceremony
is over .

FEES TO THE CLERGYMAN .

Though the church performs the ceremony of bap

tism gratuitously, the parents should, if they are able,
make a present to the officiating clergyman, or, through
him, a donation to the poor of the neighborhood .
 CHAPTER XXVI

Funerals.
HE saddest of all ceremonies is that attend
ant upon the death of relatives and friends,
and it becomes us to show, in every possible
way, the utmost consideration for the feel
ings of the bereaved, and the deepest respect for the
melancholy occasion. Of late the forms of ostentation
at funerals are gradually diminishing, and by some
people of intelligence, even mourning habiliments are
rejected in whole or in part.

INVITATION TO A FUNERAL.

It is customary in cities to give the notice of death

and announcement of a funeral through the daily news
papers, though sometimes when such announcement may
not reach all friends in time, invitations to the funeral
are sent to personal and family friends of the deceased.
In villages where there is no daily paper, such invita
tions are often issued .
Private invitations are usually printed on fine small
note paper, with a heavy black border, and in such
form as the following : 19 289
290 FUNERALS .

Yourself and family are respectfully invited to attend

the funeral of Mr. James B. Southey, from his late resi
dence, No. 897 Williams avenue, on Friday, October 18,
at 3 o'clock p.m. ( or from St. Paul's Episcopal Church ).
to proceed to Woodland cemetery.
When an announcement of a death is sent to a friend
or relative at a distant point, it is usual to telegraph
or to write the notice of death , time and place of fune
ral, to allow the friend opportunity to arrive before the
services.
It is a breach of good manners not to accept an invi
tation to a funeral when one is sent.

ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE FUNERAL.

It is customary to trust the details of the arrange
ments for the funeral to some relative or friend of
the family, and if there be no friend who can perform
this duty, it can be safely left with the undertaker to
perform the painful duties of master of ceremonies. It
is prudent to name a limit for the expenses of the
funeral, and the means of the family should always
govern these. Pomp and display should always be
avoided, as they are out of keeping with the solemn
occasion , and inconsistent with real grief. At the
funeral some one should act as usher to seat the friends
who attend .

THE HOUSE OF MOURNING,

Upon entering the house of mourning, a gentleman

should always remove his hat in the hall, and not re
 FUNERALS . 291

place it until he is about to depart. No calls of condo

lence should be made upon the bereaved family while
the dead remains in the house, and members of the
family may be excused from receiving any but their
most intimate friends at that time .
There should be no loud talking or confusion while
the body remains in the house. All differences and
quarrels must be forgotten in the house of mourning,
and personal enemies who meet at a funeral must
treat each other with respect and dignity. The bell
knob or door handle is draped with black crape, with
a black ribbon tied on, if the deceased is married or
advanced in years, and with a white ribbon, if young
or unmarried .

THE FUNERAL SERVICES.

If the services are held at the house, some near

friend or relative will receive the guests. The imme
diate members of the family and near relatives should
take a final view of the corpse just before the arrival of
the guests, and should not make their appearance again
until the services are about to commence. It is becom
ing customary now to reserve a room of the house ad
joining that in which the services are held for the
exclusive use of the near relatives and members of the
family during the services. Then the clergyman takes
his position at the door between the two rooms while
conducting the services. As o rests arrive, they are
requested to take a last look at the corpse before seating
292 FUNERALS

themselves, and upon the conclusion of the services the

coffin lid is closed, and the remains are borne to the
hearse. The custom of opening the coffin at the church
to allow all who attend to take a final look at the
corpse , is rapidly coming into disfavor. The friends
who desire it are requested to view the corpse at the
house, before it is taken to the church.
If, however, the deceased is a person of great promi
nence in the community, and the house is not able to
accommodate the large numbers who desire to take a
last look at the face of the deceased , then, perhaps it
may be well that the coffin should be opened at the
church,

THE PALL - BEARERS.

The pall-bearers, usually six, but sometimes eight,

when the deceased is a person of considerable promi
nence , are generally chosen from the intimate acquain
tances of the deceased, and of nearly the same age. If
they walk to the cemetery, they take their position in
equal numbers on either side of the hearse. If they
ride, their carriage or carriages precede the hearse.

ORDER OF THE PROCESSION.

The carriages containing the clergyman and pall.
bearers precede the hearse, immediately following which
are the carriages of the nearest relatives, more distant
relatives and friends respectively. When societies or
masonic bodies take part in the procession they precede
the hearse.
 FUNERALS. 293

The horse of a deceased mounted military officer,

fully equipped and draped in mourning, will be led
immediately after the hearse. As the mourners pass
out to enter the carriages, the guests stand with un
covered heads. No salutations are given or received .
The person who officiates as master of ceremonies,
assists the mourners to enter and alight from the car
riages. At the cemetery the clergyman or priest walks
in advance of the coffin. In towns and villages where
the cemetery is near at hand and the procession goes
on foot, the men should go with uncovered heads, if
the weather permit, the hat being held in the right
hand. Guests return to their respective homes after
the services at the grave.

FLORAL DECORATIONS.
The usual decorations of the coffin are flowers, taste
fully arranged in a beautiful wreath for a child or
young person , and a cross for a married person, which
are placed upon the coffin. These flowers should
mostly be white. Near friends of the deceased may
send beautiful floral devices, if they wish , as a mark of
their esteem for the deceased, which should be sent in
time to be used for decorative purposes.
OTHER DECORATIONS.

A person of rank generally bears some insignia upon

his coffin . Thus a deceased army or naval officer will
have his coffin covered with the national flag, and his
hat, epaulettes, sword and sash laid upon the lid .
294 FUNERALS .

The regalia of a deceased officer of the Masonic or Odd

Fellows ' fraternity is often placed upon the coffin.
CALLS UPON THE BEREAVED FAMILY.
About a week after the funeral, friends call upon the
bereaved family, and acquaintances call within a month .
The calls of the latter are not repeated until cards of
acknowledgement have been received by the family, the
leaving of which announces that they are ready to
see their friends. It is the custom for friends to wear
no bright colors when making their calls of condolence.
In making first calls of condolence none but most in
timate friends ask to see the family. Short notes of
condolence, expressing the deepest sympathy, are
usually accepted, and help to comfort striken hearts.
Formal notes of condolence are no longer sent. Those
who have known anything of the unsounded depths of
sorrow do not attempt consolation. All that they
attempt to do is to find words wherein to express their
deep sympathy with the grief-stricken ones.

SECLUSION OF THE BEREAVED FAMILY.

No member of the immediate family of the deceased
will leave the house between the time of the death and
the funeral . A lady friend will be commissioned to
make all necessary purchases, engage seamstresses, etc.
It is not desirable to enshroud ourselves in gloom after
a bereavement, however great it may be, and conse
quently no prescribed period of seclusion can be given.
 FUNERALS . 295

Real grief needs no appointed time for seclusion . It is

the duty of every one to interest himself or herself in
accustomed objects of care as soon as it is possible to
make the exertion ; for in fulfilling our duties to the
living, we best show the strength of our affection for
the dead, as well as our submission to the will of Him
who knows what is better for our dear ones than we can
know or dream .
 CHAPTER XXVII .

Washington Etiquette.
ERTAIN local rules have been recognized in
society at Washington, from the fact that a
gentleman's social position is acquired by vir
tue of certain offices which he holds, and the
social status of woman is also determined by the official
rank of her husband.

THE PRESIDENT .
As the President of the United States holds the
highest official rank and title in political life, so is he
also, by virtue of that office, awarded precedence in
social life. There is no necessity of special formalities
to form his acquaintance, and he receives calls without
being under any obligation to return them. He may
be addressed either as “ Mr. President," or " Your Ex
cellency . ” Sometimes he gives up the morning hours
to receiving calls, and at such times precedence is given
to such people as have business with him, over parties
who go to make a formal call. In either case, the
caller is shown to the room occupied by the President's
secretaries, presents his card and waits his turn to be
( 296 )
 WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE . 297

admitted . If the caller has no business, but goes out

of curiosity, he pays his respects and withdraws to make
room for others. It is better in making a private call,
to secure the company of some official or some friend of
the President to introduce you.

RECEPTIONS AT THE WHITE HOUSE .

Stated receptions are given at the White House by
the President during sessions of congress, and all are at
liberty to attend them. Sometimes these are morning
and sometimes evening receptions. Upon entering the
reception room , the caller gives his name to the usher,
who announces it, and upon approaching the President
is introduced, by some official to whom that duty is
assigned, both to the President and to the members of
his family who receive with him . The callers pass on ,
after being introduced, mingle in social intercourse and
view the various rooms until ready to depart. If &
caller wishes he may leave his card.
The same rules of etiquette prevail at state dinners
given by the President as at any formal dinner, prece
dence being given to guests according to official rank
and dignity. An invitation by the President must be
accepted, and it is admissible to break any other en
gagement already made; however, it is necessary to
explain the cause, in order to avoid giving offense. It
is not regarded as discourteous to break an engagement
for this reason .
The wife of the President is not under obligation
298 WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE .

return calls, though she may visit those whom she

wishes to favor with such attentions. Other members
of the President's family may receive and return calls.
NEW-YEAR'S RECEPTIONS AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
As the New-Year's receptions at the White House
are the most ceremonious occasions of the executive
mansion , it is the custom of the ladies who attend them
to appear in the most elegant toilets suited to a morning
reception. Members of foreign legations appear in the
court dresses of their respective countries on this occa
sion , in paying their respects to the President of the
United States.
ORDER OF OFFICIAL RANK .
Next in rank to the President come the Chief Justice,
the Vice President and the Speaker of the House of
Representatives. These receive first visits from all
others. The General of the army and the Admiral of
the navy come next in the order of official rank. Mem
bers of the House of Representatives call first on all
the officials named. The wife of any official is entitled
to the same social precedence as her husband. Among
officers of the army and navy, the Lieutenant General
corresponds to the Vice Admiral, the Major General to
Rear Admiral, Brigadier General to Commodore, Colo
nel to Captain in the navy, and so on through the
lower grades.
THE CABINET OFFICERS.

The officers of the cabinet, comprising the Secre

 WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE . 299

taries of State, the Treasury, the War, the Navy, the

Postmaster General, the Secretary of the Interior and
the Attorney General, expect to receive calls, and as all
the officers are of the same rank and dignity, it is only
on occasions of State ceremonies that an order of pre
ference is observed, which is as above given. The
wives of the cabinet officers, or the ladies of their
household, have onerous social duties to perform .
They hold receptions every Wednesday duriug the
season, which lasts from the first of January to Lent,
when their houses are open to all who choose to favor
them with a call, and on these occasions refreshments
are served . The ladies of the family are expected to
return these calls, at which time they leave the card of
the cabinet officer, and an invitation to an evening
reception. The cabinet officers are expected to enter
tain Senators, Representatives, Justices of the Supreme
Court, members of the diplomatic corps and distin
guished visitors at Washington , as well as the ladies of
their respective families. The visiting hours at the
capital are usually from two until half- past five. The
labor and fatigue which social duties require of the
ladies of the family of a cabinet officer are fairly appall.
ing. To stand for hours during receptions at her own
house, to stand at a series of entertainments at the
houses of others, whose invitation courtesy requires
should be accepted, and to return in person calls made
upon her, are a few of the duties of the wife of a cabinet
officer .
300 WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE.

HOW TO ADDRESS THE OFFICIALS.

When writing to the different officials, the President
is addressed “ His Excellency, the President of the
United States ; ” the members of the cabinet “ The
Honorable, the Secretary of State,” etc., giving each
his proper title; the Vice President, “ The Honorable,
the Vice President of the United States." In a cere
monious note, words must not be abbreviated . In con
versation the Speaker of the House of Representatives
is addressed as “ Mr. Speaker; " a member of the cabi
net as “ Mr. Secretary ; ” a senator as “ Mr. Senator ;
a member of the House of Representatives as “ Mister,”
unless he has some other title ; but he is introduced as
“ The Honorable Mr. Burrows, of Michigan .” The cus
tom is becoming prevalent of addressing the wives of
officials with the prefixed titles of their husbands, as
“ Mrs. General Sherman ,” “ Mrs. Senator Thurman , ”
“ Mrs. Secretary Evarts."
THE FIRST TO VISIT.
The custom of first visits or calls at the capital is that
residents shall make the first call on strangers, and
among the latter those arriving first upon those coming
later. Foreign ministers, however, in order to make
themselves known, call first upon the members of the
cabinet, which is returned .
SENATORS AND REPRESENTATIVES.
It is entirely optional with Senators, Representatives
and all other officials except the President and members
of his cabinet, whether they entertain . They act upon
their own pleasure in the matter,
 CHAPTER X XVIII.

Toreign Tilles.
N this country, where everybody possesses one
and the same title, that of a citizen of this
Republic, no one can claim a superiority of
rank and title. Not so in European countries,
where the right of birth entitles a person to honor,
rank and title. And as our citizens are constantly
visiting foreign countries, it is well to understand
something of titles and ranks and their order of pre
cedence.

ROYALTY .

In England, the king and queen are placed at the top

of the social structure. The mode by which they are
addressed is in the form “ Your Majesty ."
The prince of Wales, the heir -apparent to the throne,
stands second in dignity. The other children are all
known during their minority as princes and princesses.
The eldest princess is called the crown princess. Upon
their majority the younger sons have the title of duke
bestowed upon them, and the daughters retain that of
princesses, adding to it the title of their husbands.
( 301)
302 FOREIGN TITLES .

They are all designated as “ Their Royal Highnesses. "

THE NOBILITY.
A duke who inherits the title from his father, stands
one grade below a royal duke. The wife of a duke is
known as a duchess. They are both addressed as
“ Your Grace.” The eldest son is a marquis until he
inherits the higher title of his father. His wife is a
marchioness. The younger sons are lords by courtesy,
and the daughters are distinguished by having " Lady '
prefixed to their Christian names. Earls and barons
are both spoken of as lords and their wives as ladies,
though the latter are by right respectively countesses
and baronesses. The daughters of the former are
“ ladies, ” the younger sons of both “ honorables. ” The
earl occupies the higher position of the two in the
peerage.
These complete the list of nobility, unless we include
bishops, who are lords in right of their ecclesiastical
office, but whose title is not hereditary.
All these are entitled to seats in the upper House of
Parliament.

THE GENTRY .
Baronets are known as “ Sirs , " and their wives
receive the title of “ Lady; " but they are only com
moners of a higher degree, though there are families.
who have borne their title for many successive gener
ations who would not exchange it for a recently created
peerage .
 FOREIGN TITLES . 303

A clergyman, by right of his calling, stands on an

equality with all commoners, a bishop with all peers.
ESQUIRE.
The title of Esquire, which is only an empty compli
ment in this country, has special significance in
England. The following in that country have a legal
right to the title :
The sons of peers, whether known in common con
versation as lords or honorables.
The eldest sons of peers' sons, and their eldest sons in
perpetual succession .
All the sons of baronets.
All esquires of the Knights of the Bath .
Lords of manors, chiefs of clans and other tenants of
the crown in capite are esquires by prescription.
Esquires created to that rank by patent, and their
eldest sons in perpetual succession .
Esquires by office, such as justices of the peace while
on the roll, mayors of towns during mayoralty, and
sheriffs of counties (who retain the title for life).
Members of the House of Commons.
Barristers -at - law .
Bachelors of divinity, law and physic.
All who in commissions signed by the sovereign , are
ever styled esquires retain that designation for life.
IMPERIAL RANK .

Emperors and empresses rank higher than kings.

The sons and daughters of the emperor of Austria are
304 FOREIGN TITLES .

called archdukes and archduchesses, the names being

handed down from the time when the ruler of that
country claimed for himself no higher title than that of
archduke. The emperor of Russia is known as the
czar, the name being identical with the Roman cæsar
and the German kaiser. The heir -apparent to the
Russian throne is the czarowitch .
EUROPEAN TITLES.
Titles in continental Europe are so common and so
frequently unsustained by landed and moneyed inter
ests, that they have not that significance which they
hold in England. A count may be a penniless scamp,
depending upon the gambling-table for a precarious
subsistence, and looking out for the chance of making
a wealthy marriage.
A German baron may be a good, substantial, unpre
tending man , something after the manner of an Ameri
can farmer. A German prince or duke, since the
absorption of the smaller principalities of Germany by
Prussia, may have nothing left him but a barren title
and a meagre rent- roll. The Italian prince is even of
less account than the German one, since his rent
roll is too frequently lacking altogether, and his
only inheritance may be a grand but decayed palace,
without means sufficient to keep it in repair or furnish
it properly.
PRESENTATION AT THE COURT OF ST. JAMES.
It is frequently a satisfaction to an American to be
 FOREIGN TITLES. 305

presented to the queen during a sojourn in England,

and as the queen is really an excellent woman, worthy
of all honor, not only can there be no valid cause for
objection to such presentation, but it may well be
looked upon as an honor to be sought for.

Those ELIGIBLE TO PRESENTATION AT COURT.

The nobility, with their wives and daughters, are
eligible to presentation at court, unless there be some
grave moral objection, in which case, as it has ever
been the aim of the good and virtuous queen to main
tain a high standard of morality within her court, the
objectionable parties are rigidly excluded. The clergy,
naval and military officers, physicians and barristers
and the squirearchy, with their wives and daughters,
have also the right to pay their personal respects to
their queen. Those of more democratic professions,
such as solicitors, merchants and mechanics, have not,
as a rule, that right, though wealth and connection
have recently proved an open sesame at the gates of St.
James. Any person who has been presented at court
may present a friend in his or her turn. A person
wishing to be presented, must beg the favor from
the friend or relative of the highest rank he or she
may possess.

PRELIMINARIES TO PESENTATION.

Any nobleman or gentleman who proposes to be

presented to the queen , must leave at the lord chamber
20
306 FOREIGN TITLES.

lain's office before twelve o'clock , two days before the

levee, a card with his name written thereon, and with
the name of the nobleman or gentleman by whom he is
to be presented. In order to carry out the existing
regulation that no presentation can be made at a levee
except by a person actually attending that levee, it is
also necessary that a letter from the nobleman or gen
tleman who is to make the presentation, stating it to
be his intention to be present, should accompany the
presentation card above referred to, which will be sub
mitted to the queen for Her Majesty's approbation.
These regulations of the lord chamberlain must be
implicitly obeyed.
Directions at what gate to enter and where the car
riages are to stop are always printed in the newspapers.
These directions apply with equal force to ladies and to
gentlemen .
The person to be presented must provide himself or
herself with a court costume, which for men consists
partly of knee-breeches and hose, for women of an
ample court train . These costumes are indispensable,
and can be hired for the occasion.
THE PRESENTATION .
It is desirable to be early to escape the crowd. When
the lady leaves her carriage, she must leave everything
in the shape of a cloak or scarf behind her. Her train
must be carefully folded over her left arm as she enters
the long gallery of St. James, where she waits her turn
for presentation.
 FOREIGN TITLES . 307

The lady is at length ushered into the presence

chamber, which is entered by two doors. She goes in
at the one indicated to her, dropping her train as she
passes the threshold, which train is instantly spread out
by the wands of the lords-in -waiting. The lady then
walks forward towards the sovereign or the person who
represents the sovereign. The card on which her name
is inscribed is then handed to another lord-in -waiting,
who reads the name aloud . When she arrives just
before His or Her Majesty, she should courtesy as low
as possible, so as to almost kneel.
If the lady presented be a peeress or a peer's
daughter, the queen kisses her on the forehead . If
only a commoner, then the queen extends her hand
to be kissed by the lady presented , who, having done
so, rises, courtesies to each of the other members of
the royal family present, and then passes on. She
must keep her face turned toward the sovereign as
she passes to and through the door leading from the
presence -chamber.
 CAPTER XXIX .

Business.

N the chapter on “ Our Manners," we have

spoken of the importance of civility and po
liteness as a means of success to the business
and professional man . It is in the ordinary
walks of life, in the most trivial affairs, that a man's
real character is shown, and consequently every man,
whatever may be his calling, will do well to give due
attention to those trivial affairs which, in his daily
association with men of the world, will give him a repu .
tation of being cold , austere, and unapproachable, or
warm -hearied, genial, and sympathetic.
FORM GOOD HABITS.

It is important for the young man learning business,

or just getting a start in business, to form correct
habits, and especially to form the habit of being polite
to all with whom he has business relations, showing
the same courteous treatment to men or women, poorly
or plainly dressed , as though they were attired in the
most costly of garments. A man who forms habits of
politeness and gentlemanly treatment of everybody
( 308 )
 BUSINESS . 309

in early life, has acquired the good -will of all with

whom he has ever been brought into social or business
relations. He should also guard against such habits
as profanity, the use of tobacco and intoxicating
liquors, if he would gain and retain the respect of the
best portion of the community, and should, if possible,
cultivate the habit of being cheerful at all times and in
all places.
KEEP YOUR TEMPER.

In discussing business matters, never lose your tem

pei, even though your opponent in a controversy should
become angry, and in the heat of discussion make rude
and disagreeable remarks and charges. By a calm and
dignified) bearing and courteous treatment you will
conquer his rudeness.

HONESTY THE BEST POLICY.

“ Honesty is the best policy," is a maxim which
merchants and tradesmen will find as true as it is
trite, and no tradesman who wishes to retain his cus
tomers and his reputation will knowingly misrepresent
the quality of his goods. It is not good policy for a
merchant or clerk, in selling goods, to tell the customer
what they cost, as, in a majority of cases, he will not
be believed .

THE EXAMPLE OF A MERCHANT PRINCE.

The value of politeness to a merchant is nowhere

310 BUSINESS.

more clearly shown than in the case of the late A. T.

Stewart, the merchant prince of New York. He not
only treated every customer he waited upon with the
utmost courtesy, but he demanded it of every employee,
and sought for men possessing every quality of charac
ter tending to secure this suavity of manner, in the
selection of his salesmen and clerks. He required them
to observe rigidly all rules and forms of politeness, and
would allow no partiality shown to people on account of
their dress, those clad in humble apparel being treated
with the same affability and politeness as those richly
dressed . Everybody who entered his store was sure of
receiving kind and courteous treatment. This may or
may not have been his secret of success, but it certainly
gained and retained for him a large custom, and was
one element in his character which can be highly
commended. And every merchant will be judged of
by his customers in proportion to the courteous treat
ment they receive from him, or from clerks in his
store. The lawyer or the doctor will also acquire pop
ularity and patronage as he exhibits courteous and kind
treatment to all with whom he comes into social or
business relations.
BREAKING AN APPOINTMENT.
Do not break an appointment with a business man,
if possible to avoid it, for if you do, the party with
whom you made it may have reason to think that you
are not a man of your word, and it may also cause him
great annoyance, and loss of time. If however, it be
 BUSINESS. 311

comes absolutely necessary to do so, you should inform

him beforehand, either by a note or by a special messen
ger, giving reasons for its non -fulfillment.
PROMPTLY MEETING NOTES AND DRAFTS.
Every business man knows the importance of meet
ing promptly his notes and drafts, for to neglect it is
disastrous to his reputation as a prompt business man .
He should consider, also, apart from this, that he is
under a moral obligation to meet these payments
promptly when due. If circumstances which you can
not control prevent this, write at once to your creditor,
stating plainly and frankly the reason why you are
unable to pay him, and when you will be able. He
will accommodate you if he has reason to believe your
statements.

PROMPT PAYMENT OF BILLS.

If a bill is presented you for payment, you should, if
it is correct, pay it as promptly as though it were a
note at the bank already due. The party who presents
the bill may be in need of money, and should receive
what is his due when he demands it. On the other
hand, do not treat a man who calls upon you to pay a
bill, or to whom you send to collect a bill, as though
you were under no obligation to him. While you have
a right to expect him to pay it, still its prompt payment
may have so inconvenienced him as to deserve your
thanks.
312 BUSINESS .

GENERAL RULES.
If you chance to see a merchant's books or papers
left open before you,
it is not good manners to look over
them , to ascertain their contents.
If you write a letter asking for information, you
should always enclose an envelope, addressed and
stamped for the answer.
Courtesy demands that you reply to all letters im
mediately.
If you are in a company of men where two or more
are talking over business matters, do not listen to the
conversation which it was not intended you should
hear.
In calling upon a man during business hours, trans
act your business rapidly and make your call as short
as is consistent with the matters on hand . As a rule ,
men have but little time to visit during business
hours.
If an employer has occasion to reprove any of his
clerks or employees, he will find that by speaking kindly
he will accomplish the desired object much better than
by harsher means.
In paying out a large sum of money, insist that the
person to whom it is paid shall count it in your pres
ence, and on the other hand, never receive a sum of
money without counting it in the presence of the
party who pays it to you. In this way mistakes may
be avoided .
 CHAPTER XXX .

Press.
O dress well requires good taste, good sense
and refinement. A woman of good sense
will neither make dress her first nor her last
object in life. No sensible wife will betray
that total indifference for her husband which is im
plied in the neglect of her appearance, and she will
remember that to dress consistently and tastefully is
one of the duties which she owes to society. Every
lady, however insignificant her social position may
appear to herself, must exercise a certain influence on
the feelings and opinions of others. An attention to
dress is useful as retaining, in the minds of sensible
men, that pride in a wife's appearance, which is so
agreeable to her, as well as that due influence which
cannot be obtained without it. But a love of dress has
its perils for weak minds. Uncontrolled by good sense,
and stimulated by personal vanity, it becomes a temp
tation at first, and then a curse . When it is indulged
in to the detriment of better employments, and beyond
the compass of means, it cannot be too severely con
demned. It then becomes criminal.
( 313 )
314 DRESS .

CONSISTENCY IN DRESS.
Consistency in regard to station and fortune is the
first matter to be considered. A woman of good sense
will not wish to expend in unnecessary extravagances,
money wrung from an anxious, laborious husband ; or
if her husband be a man of fortune, she will not, even
then, encroach upon her allowance. In the early years
of married life, when the income is moderate, it should
be the pride of a woman to see how little she can spend
upon her dress, and yet present that tasteful and
creditable appearance which is desirable. Much de
pends upon management, and upon the care taken of
garments. She should turn everything to account, and
be careful of her clothing when wearing it.
EXTRAVAGANCE IN DRESS.

Dress, to be in perfect taste, need not be costly. It

is unfortunate that in the United States, too much
attention is paid to dress by those who have neither the
excuse of ample means, nor of social culture. The
wife of a poorly paid clerk, or of a young man just
starting in business, aims at dressing as stylishly as
does the wealthiest among her acquaintances. The
sewing girl, the shop girl, the chambermaid, and even
the cook, must have their elegantly trimmed silk dresses
and velvet cloaks for Sunday and holiday wear, and the
injury done by this state of things to the morals and
manners of the poorer classes is incalculable.
As fashions are constantly changing, those who do
 DRESS . 315

not adopt the extremes, as there are so many of the

prevailing modes at present, can find something to suit
every form and face.
INDIFFERENCE TO DRESS.

Indifference and inattention to dress is a defect of

character rather than virtue, and often denotes indol
ence and slovenliness. Every woman should aim to
make herself look as well as possible with the means at
her command. Among the rich, a fondness for dress
promotes exertion and activity of the mental powers,
cultivates a correct taste and fosters industry and in
genuity among those who seek to procure for them the
material and designs for dress. Among the middle
classes it encourages diligence, contrivance, planning
and deftness of handiwork , and among the poorer
classes it promotes industry and economy. A fondness
for dress, when it does not degenerate into vain show,
has an elevating and refining influence on society.
APPROPRIATE DRESS.

To dress appropriately is another important matter to

be considered . Due regard must be paid to the physical
appearance of the person, and the dress must be made
to harmonize throughout. An appropriate dress is that
which so harmonizes with the figure as to make the
apparel unnoticeable. Thin ladies can wear delicate
colors, while stout persons look best in black or dark
grey. For young and old the question of appropriate

1
316 DRESS .

color must be determined by the figure and complexion.

Rich colors harmonize with brunette complexions or
dark hair, and delicate colors with persons of light hair
and blonde complexions .

GLOVES.

Gloves are worn by gentleman as well as ladies in the

street, at an evening party, at the opera or theatre, at
receptions, at church, when paying a call, riding or
driving ; but not in the country or at dinner. White
should be worn at balls ; the palest colors at evening
parties and neutral shades at church.

EVENING DRESS FOR GENTLEMEN.

The evening or full dress for gentlemen is a black
dress -suit — a “ swallow -tail ” coat, the vest cut low, the
cravat white, and kid gloves of the palest hue or white.
The shirt front should be white and plain ; the studs
and cuff-bottons simple. Especial attention should be
given to the hair, which should be neither short nor
long. It is better to err upon the too short side, as too
long hair savors of affectation, destroys the shape of the
physiognomy, and has a touch of vulgarity about it.
Evening dress is the same for a large dinner party, a
ball or an opera. In some circles, however, evening
dress is considered an affectation, and it is as well to do
as others do. On Sunday, morning dress is worn , and
on that day of the week no gentleman is expected to
appear in evening dress, either at church, at home or
 DRE88 . 317

away from home. Gloves are dispensed with at dinner

parties, and pale colors are preferred to white foi
evening wear.
MORNING DRESS FOR GENTLEMEN .
The morning dress for gentlemen is a black frock
coat, or a black cut-away, white or black vest, accord
ing to the season , gray or colored pants, plaid or stripes,
according to the fashion , a high silk ( stove- pipe) hat,
and a black scarf or necktie. A black frock coat with
black pants is not considered a good combination, nor
is a dress coat and colored or light pants. The morn
ing dress is suitable for garden parties, Sundays, social
teas, informal calls, morning calls and receptions.
It will be seen that morning and evening dress for
gentlemen varies as much as it does for ladies. It is
decidedly out of place for a gentleman to wear a dress
coat and white tie in the day -time, and when evening
dress is desired on ceremonious occasions, the shutters
should be closed and the gas or lamps lighted. The
true evening costume or full dress suit, accepted as such
throughout the world, has firmly established itself in
this country ; yet there is still a considerable amount of
ignorance displayed as to the occasions when it should
be worn, and it is not uncommon for the average
American, even high officials and dignified people, to
wear the full evening costume at a morning reception
or some midday ceremony. A dress coat at a morning
or afternoon reception or luncheon , is entirely out of
318 DRESS

place, while the frock - coat or cut-away and gray pants ,

make a becoming costume for such an occasion .
JEWELRY FOR GENTLEMEN .

It is not considered in good taste for men to wear

much jewelry. They may with propriety wear one
gold ring, studs and cuff -buttons, and a watch chain,
not too massive, with a modest pendant, or none at all.
Anything more looks like a superabundance of orna
ment.
EVENING DRESS FOR LADIES.
Evening dress for ladies may be as rich, elegant and
gay as one chooses to make it. It is everywhere the
custom to wear full evening dress in brilliant evening
assemblages. It may be cut either high or low at
the neck , yet no lady should wear her dress so low
as to make it quite noticeable or a special subject of re
mark. Evening dress is what is commonly known as
“ full dress," and will serve for a large evening party,
ball or dinner. No directions will be laid down with
reference to it, as fashion devises how it is to be made
and what material used.

BALL DRESS .

Ball dressing requires less art than the nice grada

tions of costume in the dinner dress, and the dress for
evening parties. For a ball, everything should be light
and diaphanous, somewhat fanciful and airy. The
heavy, richly-trimmed silk is only appropriate to those
 DRESS . 319

who do not dance. The richest velvets, the brightest

and most delicate tints in silk , the most expensive laces,
elaborate coiffures, a large display of diamonds, arti
ficial flowers for the head-dress and natural flowers for
hand bouquets, all belong, more or less, to the costume
for a large ball.
THE FULL DINNER DRESS.

The fall dinner dress for guests admits of great

splendor. It may be of any thick texture of silk or
velvet for winter, or light rich goods for summer, and
should be long and sweeping. Every trifle in a lady's
costume should be, as far as she can afford it, faultless.
The fan should be perfect in its way, and the gloves
should be quite fresh. Diamonds are used in broaches,
pendants, ear-rings and bracelets. If artificial flowers
are worn in the hair, they should be of the choicest
description. All the light neutral tints, and black,
dark blue, purple, dark green , garnet, brown and fawn
are suited for dinner wear.

DRESS OF HOSTESS AT A DINNER PARTY.

The dress of a hostess at a dinner party should be

rich in material, but subdued in tone, 80 as not to
eclipse any of her guests. A young hostess should wear
a dress of rich silk , black or dark in color, with collar
· and cuffs of fine lace, and if the dinner be by daylight,
plain jewelry, but by gaslight diamonds.
320 DRESS

SHOWY DRESS .

The glaring colors and “ loud ” costumes, once so

common, have given place to sober grays, and browns
and olives ; black predominating over all. The light,
showily-trimmed dresses, which were once displayed in
the streets and fashionable promenades, are now only
worn in carriages. This display of showy dress and
glaring colors is generally confined to those who lore
ostentation more than comfort.

DRESS FOR RECEIVING CALLB.

If a lady has a special day for the reception of calls,

her dress must be of silk, or other goods suitable to the
season , or to her position, but must be of quiet colors
and plainly worn . Lace collars and cuffs should be
worn with this dress, and a certain amount of jewelry
is also admissible . A lady whose mornings are devoted
to the superintendence of her domestic affairs, may
receive a casual caller in her ordinary morning dress,
which must be neat, yet plain, with white plain linen
collars and cuffs. For New Year's, or other calls of
special significance, the dress should be rich, and may
be elaborately trimmed . If the parlors are closed and
the gas lighted , full evening dress is required.
CARRIAGE DRESS.
The material for a dress for a drive through the pub
lic streets of a city, or along a fashionable drive or park,
cannot be too rich. Silks, velvets and laces, are all
 DRESS . 321

appropriate, with rich jewelry and costly furs in cold

weather. If the fashion require it , the carriage dress
may be long enough to trail, or it may be of the length
of a walking dress, which many prefer. For driving in
the country, a different style of dress 18 required, as the
dust and mud would soil rich material

VISITING COSTUMES.

Visiting costumes or those worn at a funeral or in

formal calls are of richer material than walking suits.
The bonnet is either simple or rich, according to the
taste of the wearer . A jacket of velvet, or shawl or
fur-trimmed mantle are the concomitants of the car.
riage dress for winter. In summer all should be bright,
cool, agreeable to wear and pleasant to look at.
DRESS FOR MORNING CALLS.
Morning calls may be made either in walking or car
riage dress, provided the latter 18 justified by the
presence of the carriage. The dress should be of silk ,
collar and cuffs of the finest lace ; light gloves ; a full
dress bonnet and jewelry of gold, either dead, burnished
or enameled, or of cameo or coral. Diamonds are not
usually worn in daylight. A dress of black or neutral
tint, in which light colors are introduced only in
small quantities, is the most appropriate for a morn
ing call.
MORNING DRESS FOR STREET.
The morning dress for the street should be quiet in
21
322 DRESS .

color, plainly made and of serviceable material. It

should be short enough to clear the ground without
collecting mud and garbage. Lisle-thread gloves in
midsummer, thick gloves in midwinter, are more com
fortable for street wear than kid ones. Linen collars
and cuffs are most suitable for morning street dress.
The bonnet and hat should be quiet and inexpressive,
matching the dress as nearly as possible. In stormy
weather a large waterproof with hood is more con
venient and less troublesome than an umbrella. The
morning dress for visiting or breakfasting in public
may be, in winter, of woolen goods, siriply made and
quietly trimmed, and in summer, of cambric, pique,
marseilles or other wash goods, either white or figured .
For morning wear at home the dress may be still
simpler. The hair should be plainly arranged without
ornament.
THE PROMENADE DRESS.

The dress for the promenade should be in perfect

harmony with itself. All the colors worn should har
monize if they are not strictly identical. The bonnet
should not be of one color, and parasol of another, the
dress of a third and the gloves of a fourth . Nor
should one article be new and another shabby. The
collars and cuffs should be of lace ; the kid gloves
should be selected to harmonize with the color of the
dress, a perfect fit. The jewelry worn should be brace
lets, cuff buttons, plain gold earrings, a watch chain
and brooch .
 DRESS . 323

OPERA DRESS.

Opera dress for matinees may be as elegant as for

morning calls. A bonnet is always worn even by those
who occupy boxes, but it may be as dressy as one
chooses to make it. In the evening, ladies are at liberty
to wear evening dresses, with ornaments in their hair,
instead of a bonnet, and as the effect of light colors is
much better than dark in a well-lighted opera house,
they should predominate.
THE RIDING DRESS.

A lady's dressing habit should fit perfectly without

being tight. The skirt must be full, and long enough
to cover the feet, but not of extreme length. The boots
must be stout and the gloves gauntleted. Broadcloth
is regarded as the more dressy cloth, though waterproof
is the more serviceable. Something lighter may be
worn for summer, and in the lighter costumes a row of
shot must be stitched at the bottom of the breadths of
the left side to prevent the skirts from being blown by
the wind. The riding dress is made to fit the waist
closely, and button nearly to the throat. Above a small
collar or reverse of the waist is shown a plain linen
collar, fastened at the throat with a bright or black
necktie. Coat ves should come to the wrist with
linen cuffs beneath them. No lace or embroidery is
allowable in a riding costume. It is well to have the
waist attached to a skirt of the usual length, and the
long skirt fastened over it, so that if any accident occurs
324 DRESS.

obliging the lady to dismount, she may easily remove

the long overskirt and still be properly dressed .
The hair should be put up compactly, and no veil
should be allowed to stream in the wind. The shape
of the hat will vary with the fashion, but it should
always be plainly trimmed, and if feathers are worn
they must be fastened so that the wind cannot blow
them over the wearer's eyes.

A WALKING SUIT.

The material for a walking suit may be either rich or

plain to suit the taste and means of the wearer. It
should always be well made and never appear shabby.
Bright colors appear best only as trimmings. Black
has generally been adopted for street dresses as the
most becoming. For the country, walking dresses are
made tasteful, solid and strong, more for service than
display, and what would be perfectly appropriate for
the streets of a city would be entirely out of place on
the muddy, unpaved walks of a small town or in a
country neighborhood . The walking or promenade
dress is always made short enough to clear the ground.
Thick boots are worn with the walking suit.
DRESS FOR LADIES OF BUSINESS.
For women who are engaged in some daily employ
ment such as teachers, saleswomen and those who are
occupied in literature, art or business of some sort, the
dress should be somewhat different from the ordinary
 DRESS . 325

walking costume. Its material should be more ser

viceable , better fitted to endure the vicissitudes of the
weather, and of quiet colors, such as brown or gray,
and not easily soiled. While the costume should not
be of the simplest nature, it should dispense with all
superfluities in the way of trimming. It should be
made with special reference to a free use of the arms,
and to easy locomotion. Linen cuffs and collars are
best suited to this kind of dress, gloves which can be
easily removed, street walking boots, and for jewelry,
plain cuff -buttons, brooch and watch chain. The hat
or bonnet should be neat and tasty, with but few flow
ers or feathers. For winter wear, waterproof, tastefully
made ur , is the best material for a business woman's
outer garment.
ORDINARY EVENING DRESS.
The ordinary evening house dress should be tasteful
and becoming, with a certain amount of ornament, and
worn with jewelry. Silks are the most appropriate for
this dress, but all the heavy woolen dress fabrics for
winter, and the lighter lawns and organdies for summer,
elegantly made, are suitable. For winter, the colors
should be rich and warm, and knots of bright ribbon of
a becoming color, should be worn at the throat and in
the hair. The latter should be plainly dressed. Ar
tificial flowers and diamonds are out of place. This is
both a suitable dress in which to receive or make a
casual evening call. If a hood is worn , it must be re
moved during the call. Otherwise a full dress bonnet
must be worn .
326 DRESS .

DRESS FOR SOCIAL PARTY.

For the social evening party, more latitude is allowed
in the choice of colors, material, trimmings, etc. , than
for the ordinary evening dress. Dresses should cover
the arms and shoulder ; but if cut low in the neck, and
with short sleeves, puffed illusion waists or some similar
device should be employed to cover the neck and arms.
Gloves may or may not be worn , but if they are they
should be of some light color.
DRESS FOR CHURCH.
The dress for church should be plain, of dark , quiet
colors, with no superfluous trimming or jewelry. It
should, in fact, be the plainest of promenade dresses,
as church is not the place for display of fine clothes.
THE DRESS FOR THE THEATRE.

The promenade dress with the addition of a hand

some cloak or shawl, which may be thrown aside if it is
uncomfortable, is suitable for a theatre. The dress
should be quiet aud plain without any attempt at dis
play. Either a bonnet or hat may be worn . Gloves
should be dark, harmonizing with the dress.
DRESS FOR LECTURE AND CONCERT.
For the lecture or concert, silk is an appropriate
dress, and should be worn with lace collars and cuffs
and jewelry. A rich shawl or velvet promenade cloak,
or opera cloak for a concert is an appropriate outer
 DRESS . 327

garment. The latter may or may not be kept on the

shoulders during the evening. White or light kid
gloves should be worn .
CROQUET, ARCHERY AND SKATING COSTUMES.
Croquet and archery costumes may be similar, and
they admit of more brilliancy in coloring than any of
the out-of-door costumes. They should be short, dis
playing a handsomely fitting but stout boot, and should
be so arranged as to leave the arms perfectly free. The
gloves should be soft and washable. Kid is not suitable
for either occasion. The hat should have a broad brim,
so as to shield the face from the sun, and render a para
sol unnecessary. The trimming for archery costumes is
usually of green.
An elegant skating costume may be of velvet, trim
med with fur, with fur bordered gloves and boots. Any
of the warm, bright colored wool fabrics, however, are
suitable for the dress. If blue or green are worn, they
should be relieved with trimmings of dark furs. Silk
is not suitable for skating costume. To avoid suffering
from cold feet, the boot should be amply loose.
BATHING COSTUME.

Flannel is the best material for a bathing costume,

and gray is regarded as the most suitable color. It may
be trimmed with bright worsted braid. The best form
is the loose sacque, or the yoke waist, both of them to
be belted in, and falling about midway between the
328 DRESS .

knee and ankle ; an oilskin cap to protect the hair

from the water, and merino socks to match the dress,
complete the costume.
TRAVELING DRESS.
Comfort and protection from dust and dirt are the
requirements of a traveling dress. When a lady is
about making an extensive journey, a traveling suit is a
great convenience, but for a short journey, a large linen
overdress or duster may be put on over the ordinary
dress in summer, and in winter a waterproof cloak may
be used in the same way. For traveling costumes a
variety of materials may be used, of soft, neutral tints,
and smooth surface which does not retain the dust.
These should be made up plainly and quite short. The
underskirts should be colored, woolen in winter and
linen in summer. The hat or bonnet must be plainly
trimmed and completely protected by a large veil.
Velvet is unfit for a traveling hat, as it catches and re
tains the dust ; collars and cuffs of plain linen. The
hair should be put up in the plainest manner. A water
proof and warm woolen shawl are indispensable and
may be rolled in a shawl strap when not needed. A
satchel should be carried , in which may be kept a change
of collars, cuffs, gloves, handkerchiefs, toilet articles,
and towels. A traveling dress should be well supplied with
pockets. The waterproof should have large pockets,
and there should be one in the underskirt in which to
carry such money and valuables as are not needed for
immediate use.
 DRESS . 329

THE WEDDING DRESS.

A full bridal costume should be white from head
to foot. The dress may be of silk, heavily corded ,
moire antique, satin or plain silk, merino, alpaca, crape,
lawn or muslin. The veil may be of lace, tulle or illu
sion, but it must be long and full. It may or may not
descend over the face. Orange blossoms or other white
flowers and maiden blush roses should form the bridal
wreath and bouquet. The dress is high, and the arms
covered. Slippers of white satin and white kid gloves
complete the dress.
The dress of the bridegroom and ushers is given in
the chapter treating of the etiquette of weddings.
DRESS OF BRIDEMAIDS.
The dresses of bridemaids are not so elaborate as that
of the bride. They should also be of white, but may
be trimmed with delicately colored flowers and ribbons.
White tulle, worn over pale pink or blue silk and caught
up with blush roses or forget-me -nots, with bouquet de
corsage and hand bouquet of the same, makes a beautiful
costume for the bridemaids. The latter may or may
not wear veils, but if they do, they should be shorter
than that of the bride.

TRAVELING DRESS OF A BRIDE.

This should be of silk, or any of the fine fabrics for
walking dresses ; should be of some neutral tint; and
bonnet and gloves should match in color. It may be
330 DRESS.

more elaburately trimmed than an ordinary traveling

dress, but if the bride wishes to attract as little atten
tion as possible, she will not make herself conspicuous
by a too showy dress. In private weddings the bride is
sometimes married in traveling costume, and the bridal
pair at once set out upon their journey.
Dress At WEDDING RECEPTIONS.
At wedding receptions in the evening, guests should
wear full evening dress. No one should attend in black
or mourning dress, which should give place to grey or
lavender. At a morning reception of the wedded couple,
guests should wear the richest street costume with
white gloves.
MOURNING .

The people of the United States have settled upon no

prescribed periods for the wearing of mourning garments
Some wear them long after their hearts have ceased to
mourn. Where there is profound grief, no rules are
needed , but where the sorrow is not so great, there is
need of observance of fixed periods for wearing mourn
ing
Deep mourning requires the heaviest black of serge,
bombazine, lustreless alpaca, de-laine, merino or similar
heavily clinging material, with collar and cuffs of crape.
Mourning garments should have little or no trimming ;
no flounces, ruffles or bows are allowable. If the dress
is rct made en suite, then a long or square shawl of
 DRESS . 331

barege or oashmere with crape border is worn . The

bonnet is of black crape ; a hat is inadmissible. The
veil is of crape or barege with heavy border ; black
gloves and black -bordered handkerchief. In winter dark
furs may be worn with the deepest mourning. Jewelry
is strictly forbidden, and all pins, buckles, etc. , must
be of jet. Lustreless alpaca and black silk trimmed
with crape may be worn in second mourning, with
white collars and cuffs. The crape veil is laid aside
for net or tulle, but the jet jewelry is still retained. A
still less degree of mourning is indicated by black and
white, purple and gray, or a combination of these colors.
Crape is still retained in bonnet trimming, and crape
flowers may be added. Light gray, white and black,
and light shades of lilac, indicate a slight mourning.
Black lace bonnet, with white or violet flowers, super
cedes crape, and jet and gold jewelry is worn .
PERIODS OF WEARING MOURNING.

The following rules have been given by an authority

competent to speak on these matters regarding the de
gree of mourning and the length of time it should be
worn :
“ The deepest mourning is that worn by a widow for
her husband. It is worn two years, sometimes longer.
Widow's mourning for the first year consists of solid
black woolen goods, collar and cuffs of folded untrim
med crape, a simple crape bonnet, and a long, thick,
black crape veil. The second year, silk trimmed with
332 DRESS .

crape, black lace collar and cuffs, and a shorter veil

may be worn, and in the last six months gray, violet
and white are permitted. A widow should wear the
hair perfectly plain if she does not wear a cap, and
should always wear a bonnet, never a hat.
“ The mourning for a father or mother is worn for
one year. The first six months the proper dress is of
solid black woolen goods trimmed with crape, black
crape bonnet with black crape facings and black strings,
black crape veil, collar and cuffs of black crape. Three
months, black silk with crape trimming, white or black
lace collar and cuffs, veil of tulle and white bonnet
facings ; and the last three months in gray, purple and
violet. Mourning worn for a child is the same as that
worn for a parent.
“ Mourning for a grandparent is worn for six months .
three months black woolen goods, white collar and cuffs,
short crape veil and bonnet of crape trimmed with
black silk or ribbon ; six weeks in black silk trimmed
with crape, lace collar and cuffs, short tulle veil ; and
six weeks in gray, purple, white and violet.
“ Mourning worn for a friend who leaves you an in
heritance, is the same as that worn for a grand - parent.
“ Mourning for a brother or sister is worn sixmonths ,
two months in solid black trimmed with crape, white
linen collar and cuffs, bonnet of black with white facing
and black strings ; two months in black silk, with white
lace collar and cuffs ; and two months in gray, purple,
white and violet.
 DRESS. 333

“ Mourning for an uncle or aunt is worn for three

months, and is the second mourning named above, tulle ,
white linen and white bonnet facings being worn at
once. For a nephew or neice , the same is worn for the
same length of time.
“ The deepest mourning excludes kid gloves ; they
should be of cloth, silk or thread ; and no jewelry is
permitted during the first month of close mourning.
Embroidery, jet trimmings puffs, plaits — in fact, trim
ming of any kind—is forbidden in deep mourning, but
worn when it is lightened.
Mourning handkerchiefs should be of very sheer
fine linen, with a border of black, very wide for close
mourning, narrower as the black is lightened.
“ Mourning silks should be perfectly lustreless, and
the ribbons worn without any gloss.
“ Ladies invited to funeral ceremonies should always
wear a black dress, even if they are not in mourning ;
and it is bad taste to appear with a gay bonnet or
shawl, as if for a festive occasion .
The mourning for children under twelve years of
age is white in summer and gray in winter, with black
trimmings, belt, sleeve ruffles and bonnet ribbons."
 CHAPTER XXXI .

Harmom of Colors il Dress.

CHE selection and proper arrangement of col
ors, so that they will produce the most pleas
ing harmony, is one of the most desirable
requisites in dress. Sir Joshua Reynolds
says. “ Color is the last attainment of excellence in
every school of painting . ” The same may also be said
in regard to the art of using colors in dress. Neverthe
less, it is the first thing to which we should give our
attention and study.
We put bright colors upon our little children ; we
dress our young girls in light and delicate shades ; the
blooming matron is justified in adopting the warm,
rich hues which we see in the autumn leaf, while
black and neutral tints are declared appropriate to
the old.
One color should predominate in the dress; and if
another is adopted, it should be in a limited quantity
and only by way contrast or harmony. Some col
ors may novor, under any circumstances, be worn
together, because they produce positive discord to the
eye. If the dress be blue, red should never be intro
( 334)
 HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS . 335

duced by way of trimming, or vice versa . Red and

blue, red and yellow, blue and yellow, and scarlet and
crimson may never be united in the same costume. If
the dress be red, green may be introduced in a minute
quantity ; if blue, orange ; if green, crimson. Scarlet
and solferino are deadly enemies, each killing the other
whenever they meet.
Two contrasting colors, such as red and green , may
not be used in equal quantities in the dress, as they
are both so positive in tone that they divide and
distract the attention. When two colors are worn in
any quantity, one must approach a neutral tint, such
as gray or drab. Black may be worn with any color,
though it looks best with the lighter shades of the
different colors. White may also be worn with any
color, though it looks best with the darker tones,
Thus white and crimson , black and pink, each con
trast better and have a richer effect than though the
black were united with the crimson and the white
with the pink. Drab, being a shade of no color be
tween black and white, may be worn with equal effect
with all
A person of very fair, delicate complexion should
always wear the most delicate of tints, such as light
blue, mauve and pea - green. A brunette requires bright
colors, such as scarlet and orange, to bring out the
brilliant tints in her complexion. A florid face and
auburn hair call for blue.
Black hair has its color and depth enhanced by
 336 HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS .
scarlet, orange or white, and will bear diamonds, pearls
or lustreless gold.
Dark brown hair will bear light blue, or dark blue in
a lesser quantity .
If the hair has no richness of coloring, a pale
yellowish green will by reflection produce the lacking
warm tint.
Light-brown hair requires blue, which sets off to
advantage the golden tint.
Pure golden or yellow hair needs blue, and its
beauty is also increased by the addition of pearls or white
flowers .

Auburn hair, if verging on the red, needs scarlet to

tone it down. If of a golden red, blue, green , purple
or black will bring out the richness of its tints.
Flaxen hair requires blue.
MATERIAL FOR DRESS.

The material for dress must be selected with reference

to the purpose which it is to serve. No one buys a yel
low satin dress for the promenade, yet a yellow satin
seen by gaslight 18 beautiful, as an evening - dress.
Neither would one buy a heavy serge of neutral tint for
an opera -dress.
SIZE IN RELATION TO DRESS AND COLORS.
A small person may dress in light colors which would
be simply ridiculous on a person of larger proportions. So
a lady of majestic appearance should never wear white,
but will be seen to the best advantage in black or dark
 HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS . 337

tints. A lady of diminutive stature is dressed in bad

taste when she appears in a garment with large figures,
plaids or stipes. Neither should a lady of large pro
portions be seen in similar garments, because, united
with her size , they give her a ' loud ” appearance. In
deed , pronounced figures and broad stripes and plaids
are never in perfect taste.
Heavy, rich materials suit a tall figure, while light,
full draperies should only be worn by those of slen
der proportions and not too short. The very short and
stout must be content with meagre drapery and quiet
colors.
Tall and slim persons should avoid stripes ; short,
chunky ones flounces, or any horizontal trimming of
the dress which, by breaking the outline from the waist
to the feet, produces an effect of shortening.

How COLORS HARMONIZE .

Colors may form a harmony either by contrast or by

analogy. When two remote shades of one color are
associated, such as very light blue and a very dark blue,
they harmonize by contrast, though the harmony may
be neither striking nor perfect. When two colors which
are similar to each other are grouped, such as orange
and scarlet, crimson and orange, they harmonize by
analogy. A harmony of contrast is characterized by
brilliancy and decision, and a harmony of analogy by a
quiet and pleasing association of colors.
When a color is chosen which is favorable to the com
22
338 HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS.

plexion, it is well to associate with it tints which will

harmonize by analogy, as to use contrasting colors would
diminish its favorable effcct. When a color is used in
dress, not suitable to the complexion, it should be asso
ciated with contrasting colors, as they have the power
to neutralize its objectionable influence.
Colors of similar power which contrast with each
other, mutually intensify each other's brilliancy, as
blue and orange, scarlet and green ; but dark and light
colors associated do not intensify each other to the same
degree, the dark appearing darker. and the light ap
pearing lighter, as dark blue and straw color. Colors
which harmonize with each other by analogy, reduce
each other's brilliancy to a greater or less degree, as
white and yellow , blue and purple, black and brown.
The various shades of purple and lilac, dark blues
and dark greens, lose much of their brilliancy by gas
light, while orange, scarlet, crimson, the light browns
and light greens, gain brilliancy by a strong artificial
light.
Below the reader will find a list of colors that har
monize, forming most agrecable combinations, in which
are included all the latest and most fashionable shades
and colors .
Black and pink.
Black and lılac.
Black and scarlet.
Black and maize .
Black and sliite color
Black and orange, a rich harmony.
Black and white , a perfect harmony.
 HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS . 339

Black and brown, a dull harmony.

Black and drab or buff,
Black , white or yellow and crimson .
Black , orange, blue and scarlet.
Black and chocolate brown .
Black and shaded cardinal.
Black and cardinal.
Black, yellow, bronze and light blue.
Black, cardinal, blue and old gold.
Blue and brown.
Blue and black
Blue and gold, a rich harmony.
Blue and orange, a perfect harmony.
Blue and chestnut (or chocolate ).
Blue and maize.
Blue and straw color.
Blue and white.
Blue and fawn color, weak harmony.
Blue and stone color .
Blue and drab .
Blue and lilac, weak harmony.
Blue and crimson , imperfectly.
Blue and pink, poor harmony.
Blue and salmon colmon color.
Blue, scarlet and purple (or lilac ).
Blue, orange and black.
Blue, orange and green.
Blue, brown, crimson and gold (or yellow). 1
Blue, orange, black and white.
Blue, pink and bronze green .
Blue, cardinal and old gold.
Blue, yellow, chocolate -brown and gold .
Blue, mulberry and yellow.
Bronze and old gold .
Bronze, pink and light blue.
Bronze, black, blue, pink and gold .
Bronze, cardinal and peacock blue.
Brown, blue, green, cardinal and yellow.
Brown, yellow , cardinal and peacock blue.
340 HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS.
Crimson and gold , rich harmony.
Crimson and orange rich harmony.
Crimson and brown , dull harmony.
Crimson and black, dull harmony.
Crimson and drab.
Crimson and maize.
Crimson and purple.
Cardinal and old gold.
Cardinal, brown and black .
Cardinal and navy blue..
Chocolate, blue, pink and gold .
Claret and old gold.
Dark green, white and cardinal.
Ecrue , bronze and peacock.
Ecrue and light blue.
Garnet, bronze and pink.
Gensd’arme and cardinal.
Gensd'arme and bronze.
Gensd'arme and myrtle .
Gensd'arme and old gold .
Gensd'arme, yellow and cardinal.
Gensd'arme, pink, cardinal and lavender.
Green and gold, or gold color.
Green and scarlet.
Green and orange.
Green and yellow.
Green, crimson, blue and gold, or yellow .
Green , blue and scarlet.
Green, gold and mulberry.
Green and cardinal.
Lilac and white, poor.
Lilac and gray, poor.
Lilac and maize.
Lilac and cherry.
Lilac and gold , or gold color
Lilac and scarlet.
Lilac and crimson.
Lilac, scarlet and white or black ,
 HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS . 341

Lilac, gold color and crimson.

Lilac, yellow or gold, scarlet and white.
Light pink and garnet.
Light drab, pine, yellow and white.
Myrtle and old gold .
Myrtle and bronze.
Myrtle, red , blue and yellow.
Myrtle , mulberry, cardinal, gold and light green .
Mulberry and old gold.
Mulberry and gold.
Mulberry and bronze.
Mulberry, bronze and gold.
Mulberry and pearl.
Mode, pearl and mulberry.
Maroon , yellow, silvery gray and light green .
Navy blue, light blue and gold.
Navy blue, gensd’arme and pearl.
Navy blue , maize, cardinal and yellow.
Orange and bronze, agreeable.
Orange and chestnut.
Orange, lilac and crimson .
Orange, red and green .
Orange, purple and scarlet.
Orange, blue, scarlet and purple.
Orange, blue, scarlet and claret .
Orange, blue, scarlet, white and green .
Orange, blue and crimson.
Pearl, light blue and peacock blue.
Peacock blue and light gold.
Peacock blue and old gold.
Peacock blue and cardinal.
Peacock blue, pearl, gold and cardinal.
Purple and maize.
Purple and blue.
Purple and gold, or gold color, rioh .
Purple and orange, rich .
Purple and black, heavy.
Purple and white, cold.
342 HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS .

Purple, scarlet and gold color.

Purple, scarlet and white.
Purple, scarlet blue and orange.
Purple, scarlet, blue, yellow and black ,
Red and white, or gray.
Red and gold, or gold color.
Red, orange and green.
Red , yellow or gold color and black ,
Red, gold color, black and white.,
Seal brown, gold and cardinal.
Sapphire and bronze.
Sapphire and old gold.
Sapphire and cardinal.
Sapphire and light blue.
Sapphire and light pink,
Sapphire and corn.
Sapphire and garnet.
Sapphire and mulberry.
Shaded blue and black .
Scarlet and blue.
Scarlet and slate color.
Scarlet and orange .
Scarlet, blue and white.
Scarlet, blue and yellow .
Scarlet, black and white .
Scarlet, blue, black and yellow.
Shaded blue , shaded garnet and shaded gold .
Shaded blue and black .
White and cherry.
White and crimson.
White and brown .
White and pink.
White and scarlet.
White and gold color, poor.
Yellow and black .
Yellow and brown.
Yellow and red.
Yellow and chestnut or chocolate.
Yellow and white, poor.
 HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS . 343

Yellow and purple, agreeable.

Yellow and violet.
Yellow and lilac, weak.
Yellow and blue, cold .
Yellow and crimson .
Yellow, purple and crimson.
Yellow, purple, scarlet and blue.
Yellow, cardinal and peacock blue.
Yellow, pink, maroon and light blue.
Yellow , pink, maroon and black.
 CHAPTER X X XII .

The Toilet.

O appear at all times neat, clean and tidy, is

demanded of every well-bred person . The
dress may be plain, rich or extravagant, but
there must be a neatness and cleanliness of
the person . Whether a lady is possessed of few or
many personal attractions, it is her duty at all times to
appear tidy and clean, and to make herself as comely
and attractive as circumstances and surroundings will
permit. The same may be said of a gentleman. If a
gentleman calls upon a lady, his duty and his respect
for her alike demand that he shall appear not only in
good clothes, but with well combed hair, exquisitely
clean hands, well-trimmed beard or cleanly shaven face ,
while the lady will not show herself in an untidy dress,
or disheveled hair. Each should appear at their best.
Upon the minor details of the toilet depend, in a
great degree, the health, not to say the beauty of the
individual. In fact the highest state of health is equiv
alent to the greatest degree of beauty of which the
individual is capable.
(344)
 THE TOILET. 345
PERFUMES.

Perfumes, if used at all, should be used in the strict

est moderation , and be of the most recherche kind.
Musk and patchouli should always be avoided, as , to
many people of sensitive temperament, their odor is
exceedingly disagreeable. Cologne water of the best
quality is never offensive.

THE BATH .

Cleanliness is the outward sign of inward purity.

Cleanliness of the person is health , and health is beauty.
The bath is consequently a very important means of
preserving the health and enhancing the beauty. It is
not to be supposed that we bathe simply to become
clean , but because we wish to remain clean. Cold

water refreshes and invigorates, but does not cleanse,

and persons who daily use a sponge bath in the morning,
should frequently use a warm one, of from 96 to 100
degrees Farenheit for cleansing purposes. When a
plunge bath is taken , the safest temperature is from
80 to 90 degrees, which answers the purpose of both
cleansing and refreshing. Soap should be plentifully
used, and the flesh -brush applied vigorously, drying
with a coarse Turkish towel. Nothing improves the
complexion like the daily use of the flesh -brush , with
early rising and exercise in the open air.
In many houses, in large cities, there is a separate
bath -room , with hot and cold water, but in smaller
places and country houses this convenience is not to be
346 THE TOILET.

found. A substitute for the bath - room is a large piece

of oil- cloth , which can be laid upon the floor of an
ordinary dressing -room . Upon this may be placed the
bath tub or basin , or a person may use it to stand upon
while taking a sponge bath . The various kinds of
baths, both hot and cold , are the shower bath, the
douche, the hip bath and the sponge bath.
The shower bath can only be endured by the most
vigorous constitutions, and therefore cannot be recom
mended for indiscriminate use .
A douche or hip bath may be taken every morning,
with the temperature of the water suited to the endur
ance of the individual. In summer a sponge bath may
be taken upon retiring. Once a week a warm bath, at
from 90 to 100 degrees, may be taken, with plenty of
soap, in order to thoroughly cleanse the pores of the
skin. Rough towels should be vigorously used after
these baths, not only to remove the impurities of the
skin, but for the beneficial friction which will send a
glow over the whole body. The hair glove or flesh
brush may be used to advantage in the bath before the
towel is applied .
THE TEETH .

The teeth should be carefully brushed with a hard

brush after cach meal, and also on retiring at night.
Use the brush so that not only the outside of the teeth
becomes white, but the inside also. After the brush is
used plunge it two or three times into a glass of water,
then rub it quite dry on a towel.
 THE TOILET. 347

Use tooth -washes or powders very sparingly. Castile

soap uscd once a day, with frcqucnt brushings with pure
water and a brush , cannot fail to keep the tecth clean
and white, unless they are disfigured and destroyed by
other bad habits, such as the use of tobacco, or too hot
or too cold drinks.

DECAYED TEETH .

On the slightest appearance of decay or tendency

to accumulate tartar, go at once to the dentist. If a
dark spot appearing under the enamel is neglected, it
will eat in until the tooth is eventually destroyed. A
dentist sceing the tooth in its first stage, will remove
the decayed part and plug the cavity in a proper
manner .

TARTAR ON THE TEETH .

Tartar is not so easily dealt with, but it requires

equally early attention . It results from an impaired
state of the general health, and assumes the form of
a yellowish concretion on the teeth and gums. At
first it is possible to keep it down by a repeated and
vigorous use of the tooth brush ; but if a firm , solid
mass accumulates, it is necessary to have it chipped
off by a dentist. Unfortunately, too, by that time it
will probably have begun to loosen and destroy the
tecth on which it fixes, and is pretty certain to have
produced one obnoxious effect — that of tainting the
breath . Washing the teeth with vinegar when the
348 THE TOILET.

brush is used has been recommended as a means of

removing tartar.
Tenderness of the gums, to which some persons
are subject, may sometimes be met by the use of salt
and water, but it is well to rinse the mouth frequently
with water with a few drops of tincture of myrrh
in it.

FOUL BREATH .

Foul breath , unless caused by neglected teeth, indi

cates a deranged state of the system . When it is occa
sioned by the teeth or other local cause , use a gargle
consisting of a spoonful of solution of chloride of lime
in half a tumbler of water. Gentlemen smoking, and
thus tainting the breath, may be glad to know that the
common parsley has a peculiar effect in removing the
odor of tobacco.

THE SKIN .

Beauty and health of the skin can only be obtained

by perfect cleanliness of the entire person, an avoidance
of all cosmetics, added to proper diet, correct habits
and early habits of rising and exercise. The skin must
be thoroughly washed, occasionally with warm water
and soap, to remove the oily exudations on its surface.
If any unpleasant sensations are experienced after the
use of soap , they may be immediately removed by rinsing
the surface with water to which a little lemon -juice or
vinegar has been added .
 THE TOILET. 349

PRESERVING A YOUTHFUL COMPLEXION.

The following rules may be given for the preservation
of a youthful complexion : Rise early and go to bed
early. Take plenty of exercise. Use plenty of cold
water and good soap frequently. Be moderate in eat
ing and drinking. Do not lace. Avoid as much as
possible the vitiated atmosphere of crowded assemblies.
Shun cosmetics and washes for the skin. The latter
dry the skin, and only defeat the end they are supposed
to have in view.
MOLES .
Moles are frequently a great disfigurement to the
face, but they should not be tampered with in any way.
The only safe and certain mode of getting rid of moles
is by a surgical operation.
FRECKLES.

Freckles are of two kinds. Those occasioned by ex

posure to the sunshine, and consequently evanescent,
are denominated “ summer freckles;” those which are
constitutional and permanent are called “ cold freckles. ”
With regard to the latter, it is impossible to give any
advice which will be of value. They result from causes
not to be affected by mere external applications. Sum
mer freckles are not so difficult to deal with, and with
a little care the skin may be kept free from this cause
of disfigurement. Some skins are so delicate that they
become freckled on the slightest exposure to open air in
summer. The cause assigned for this is that the iron
350 THE TOILET.

in the blood, forming a junction with the oxygen , leaves

a rusty mark where the junction takes place. We giro
in their appropriate places some recipes for removing
these latter freckles from the face .

OTHER DISCOLORATIONS.
There are various other discolorations of the skin,
proceeding frequently from derangement of the system.
The cause should always be discovered before attempt
ing a remcdy; otherwise you may aggravate the com
plaint rather than cure it.

THE EYES.

Beautiful eyes are the gift of Nature, and can owe

little to the toilet. As in the eye consists much of the
expression of the face, therefore it should be borne in
mind that those who would have their eyes bcar a pleas
ing expression must cultivate pleasing traits of charac
ter and beautify the soul, and then this beautiful soul
will look through its natural windows.
Never tamper with the eyes. There is danger of
destroying them . All daubing or dyeing of the lids is
foolish and vulgar.

SHORT- SIGHTEDNESS.
Short-sightedness is not always a natural defect. It
may be acquired by bad habits in youth . A short
sighted person should supply himself with glasses
exactly adapted to his wants ; but it is well not to use
 THE TOILET. 351

these glasses too constantly, as, even when they perfect

ly fit the eye, they really tend to shorten the sight.
Unless one is very short-sighted, it is best to keep the
glasses for occasional use, and trust ordinarily to the
unaided eye. Parents and teachers should watch their
children and see that they do not acquire the habit of
holding their books too close to their eyes, and thus
injure their sight.
SQUINT-EYES AND CROSS-EYES.
Parents should also be careful that their children do
not become squint or cross-eyed through any careless
ness. A child's hair hanging down loosely over its eyes,
or a bonnet projecting too far over them, or a loose
ribbon or tape fluttering over the forehead , is sometimes
sufficient to direct the sight irregularly until it becomes
permanently crossed .

THE EYELASHES AND EYEBROWS.

A beautiful eyelash is an important adjunct to the

eye. The lashes may be lengthened by trimming them
occasionally in childhood. Care should be taken that
this trimming is done neatly and evenly, and especially
that the points of the scissors do not penetrate the eye.
The eyebrows may be brushed carefully in the direction
in which they should lie. In general, it is in exceeding
bad taste to dye either lashes or brows, for it usually
brings them into disharmony with the hair and features.
There are cases, however, when the beauty of an other
352 THE TOILET.

wise fine countenance is utterly ruined by white lashes

and brows. In such cases one can hardly be blamed
if India ink is resorted to to give them the desired
color. Never shave the brows. It adds to their beauty
in no way, and may result in an irregular growth of
new hair.
TAKE CARE OF THE EYES.

The utmost care should be taken of the eyes. They

should never be strained in an imperfect light, whether
that of shrouded daylight, twilight or flickering lamp
or candle-light. Many persons have an idea that an
habitually dark room is best for the eyes. On the
contrary, it weakens them and renders them perma
nently unable to bear the light of the sun. Our eyes
were naturally designed to endure the broad light of
day, and the nearer we approach to this in our houses,
the stronger will be our eyes and the longer will we
retain our sight.
EYEBROWS MEETING.

Some persons have the eyebrows meeting over the

nose. This is usually considered a disfigurement, but
there is no remedy for it. It may be a consolation
for such people to know that the ancients admired
this style of eyebrows, and that Michael Angelo pos
sessed it. It is useless to pluck out the uniting hairs;
and if a depilatory is applied, a mark like that of a
scar left from a burn remains, and is more disfiguring
than the hair.
 THE TOILET . 353

INFLAMED EYES.

If the lids of the eyes become inflamed and scaly, do

not seek to remove the scales roughly, for they will bring
the lashes with them. Apply at night a little cold
cream to the edges of the closed eyelids, and wash them
in the morning with lukewarm . milk and water. It is
well to have on the toilet- table a remedy for inflamed
eyes. Spermaceti ointment is simple and well adapted
to this purpose. Apply at night, and wash off with
rose-water in the morning. There is a simple lotion
made by dissolving a very small piece of alum and a
piece of lump-sugar of the same size in a quart of water ;
put the ingredients into the water cold and let them
simmer. Bathe the eyes frequently with it.
THE STY.

A sty in the eye is irritating and disfiguring. Bathe

with warm water ; at night apply a bread -and -milk
poultice. When a white head forms, prick it with a
fine needle. Should the inflammation be obstinate, a
little citrine ointment may be applied, care being taken
that it does not get into the eye.
THE HAIR .

There is nothing that so adds to the charm of an

individual, especially a lady, as a good head of hair.
The skin of the head requires even more tenderness and
cleanliness than any other portion of the body, and is
capable of being irritated by disease. The hair should
354 THE TOILET.

be brushed carefully. The brush should be of mode

rate hardness, not too hard . The hair should be sepa
rated , in order that the head itself may be well brushed,
as by doing so the scurf is removed, and that is most
essential, as it is not only unpleasant and unsightly,
but if suffered to remain it becomes saturated with
perspiration, and tends to weaken the roots of the hair,
so that it is easily pulled out. In brushing or combing,
begin at the extreme points, and in combing, hold the
portion of hair just above that through which the comb
is passing firmly between the first and second fingers,
so that if it is entangled it may drag from that point,
and not from the roots. The finest head of hair may
be spoiled by the practice of plunging the comb into it
high up and dragging it in a reckless manner. Short,
loose, broken hairs are thus created, and become very
troublesome.

THE USE OF HAIR OILS.

Do not plaster the hair with oil or pomatum . A

white, concrete oil pertains naturally to the covering of
the human head, but some persons have it in more
abundance than others. Those whose hair is glossy
and shining need nothing to render it so ; but when the
hair is ' wrsh , poor and dry, artificial lubrication is
necessary. Persons who perspire freely or who accumu
late scurf rapidly require it also. Nothing is simpler
or better in the way of oil than pure, unscented salad
oil, and in the way of a pomatum, bear's grease is as
 THE TOILET. 355

pleasant as anything. Apply either with the hands, or

keep a soft brush for the purpose, but take care not to
use the oil too freely. An overoiled head of hair is vul
gar and offensive. So are scents of any kind in the oil
applied to the hair. It is well also to keep a piece of
flannel with which to rub the hair at night after brush
ing it, in order to remove the oil before laying the head
upon the pillow.
Vinegar and water form a good wash for the roots
of the hair. Ammonia diluted with water is still
better.
The hair-brush should be frequently washed in di
luted ammonia ,
For removing scurf, glycerine diluted with a little
rose-water will be found of service. Any preparation
of rosemary forms an agreeable and highly cleansing
wash. The yolk of an egg beaten up in warm water is
an excellent application to the scalp. Many heads of
hair require nothing more in the way of wash than soap
and water. Beware of letting the hair grow too long,
as the points are apt to weaken and split. It is well to
have the ends clipped off once a month.
Young girls should wear their hair cut short until
they are grown up , if they would have it then in its best
condition,
DYEING THE HAIR.

A serious objection to dyeing the hair is that it is

almost impossible to give the hair a tint which har
monizes with the complexion. If the hair begins to
356 THE TOILET.

change early, and the color goes in patches, procure

from the druggist's a preparation of the husk of the
walnut water of eau crayon . This will, by daily appli
cation, darken the tint of the hair without actually
dyeing it. When the change of color has gone on to
any great extent, it is better to abandon the application
and put up with the change, which, in nine cases out
of ten, will be in accordance with the change of the
face. Indeed, there is nothing more beautiful than
soft, white hair worn in bands or clustering curls about
the face. The walnut water may be used for toning
down too red hair.
BALDNESS .

Gentlemen are more liable to baldness than ladies,

owing, no doubt, to the use of the close hat, which
confines and overheats the head . If the hair is found
to be falling out, the first thing to do is to look to the
hat and see that it is light and thoroughly ventilated.
There is no greater enemy to the hair than the silk
dress-hat. It is best to lay this hat aside altogether and
adopt a light felt or straw in its place.
Long, flowing hair on a man is not in good taste , and
will indicate him to the observer as a person of unbal
anced mind and unpleasantly erratic character — a man,
in brief, who seeks to impress others with the fact that
he is eccentric, something which a really eccentric per
son never attempts.
THE BEARD .
Those who shave should be careful to do so every
 THE TOILET. 357

morning. Nothing looks worse than a shabby beard .

Some persons whose beards are strong should shave
twice a day, especially if they are going to a party in
the evening.
The style of the growth of the beard should be gov
erned by the character of the face. But whatever the
style be, the great point is to keep it well brushed and
trimmed, and to avoid any appearance of wildness or
inattention. The full, flowing beard of course requires
more looking after in the way of cleanliness, than any
other . It should be thoroughly washed and brushed
at least twice a day, as dust is sure to accumulate in it,
and it is very easy to suffer it to become objectionable
to one's self as well as to others. If it is naturally
glossy, it is better to avoid the use of oil or pomatum.
The moustache should be worn neatly and not over-large.
There is nothing that so adds to native manliness as the
full beard if carefully and neatly kept.
THE HAND.
The beautiful hand is long and slender, with taper
ing fingers and pink, filbert-shaped nails. The hand
to be in proper proportion to the rest of the body,
should be as long as from the point of the chin to the
edge of the hair on the forehead .
The hands should be kept scrupulously clean , and
therefore should be very frequently washed - not merely
rinsed in soap and water, but thoroughly lathered, and
scrubbed with a soft nail-brush. In cold weather the
use of lukewarm water is unobjectionable, after which
358 THE TOILET.

the hands should be dipped into cold water and very

carefully dried on a fine towel.
Be careful always to dry the hands thoroughly, and
rub them briskly for some time afterward. When this
is not sufficiently attended to in cold weather, the hands
chap and crack. When this occurs, rub a few drops of
honey over them when dry, or anoint them with cold
cream or glycerine before going to bed .
CHAPPED HANDS.
As cold weather is the usual cause of chapped hands,
so the winter season brings with it a cure for them . A
thorough washing in snow and soap will cure the worst
case of chapped hands, and leave them beautifully
soft.

TO MAKE THE HANDS WHITE AND DELICATE.

Should you wish to make your hands white and deli
cate, you might wash them in milk and water for a day
or two. On retiring to rest, rub them well over with
some palm oil and put on a pair of woolen gloves. The
hands should be thoroughly washed with hot water and
soap the next morning, and a pair of soft leather gloves
worn during the day. They should be frequently rub
bed together to promote circulation. Sunburnt hands
may be washed in lime-water or lemon -juice.
TREATMENT OF WARTS.

Warts, which are more common with young people than

with adults, are very unsightly, and are sometimes very
difficult to get rid of. The best plan is to buy a stick
 THE TOILET. 359

of lunar caustic, which is sold in a holder and case at

the druggist's for the purpose, dip it in water, and
touch the wart every morning and evening, care being
taken to cut away the withered skin before repeating
the operation. A still better plan is to apply acetic
acid gently once a day with a camel's hair pencil to the
summit of the wart. Care should be taken not to allow
this acid to touch any of the surrounding skin ; to pre
vent this the finger or hand at the base of the wart may
be covered with wax during the operation.

THE NAILS.

Nothing is so repulsive as to see a lady or gentleman ,

however well dressed they may otherwise be, with un
clean nails. It always results from carelessness and
inattention to the minor details of the toilet, which is
most reprehensible. The nails should be cut about once
a week - certainly not oftener. This should be accom
plished just after washing, the nail being softer at such
a time. Care should be taken not to cut them too
short, though, if they are left too long, they will fre
quently get torn and broken. They should be nicely
rounded at the corners. Recollect, the filbert-shaped
nail is considered the most beautiful. Never bite the
nails ; it not only is a most disagreeable habit, but tends
to make the nails jagged, deformed and difficult to
clean, besides giving a red and stumpy appearance to
the finger -tips.
Some persons are troubled by the cuticle adhering to
360 THE TOILET.

the nail as it grows. This may be pressed down by the

towel after washing ; or should that not prove effica
cious, it must be loosened round the edge with some
blunt instrument. On no account scrape the nails with
a view to polishing their surface. Such an operation
only tends to make them wrinkled.
Absolute smallness of a hand is not essential to beauty ,
which requires that the proper proportions should be
observed in the human figure. With proper care the
hand may be retained beautiful, soft and shapely, and
yet perform its fair share of labor. The hands should
always be protected by gloves when engaged in
work calculated to injure them . Gloves are impera
tively required for garden -work . The hands should
always be washed carefully and dried thoroughly after
such labor. If they are roughened by soap , rinse them
in a little vinegar or lemon -juice, and they will become
soft and smooth at once .

REMEDY FOR Moist HANDS.

People afflicted with moist hands should revolutionize
their habits, take more out-door exercise and more fre
quent baths. They should adopt a nutritious but not
over-stimulating diet, and perhaps take a tonic of some
sort. Local applications of starch - powder and the juice
of lemon may be used to advantage.
THE FEET.

A well formed foot is broad at the sole, the toes well

spread, each separate toe perfect and rounded in form .
 THE TOILET . 361

The nails are regular and perfect in shape as those of

the fingers. The second toe projects a little beyond the
others, and the first, or big toe, stands slightly apart from
the rest and is slightly lifted . The feet, from the cir
cumstance of their being so much confined by boots and
shoes, require more care in washing than the rest of the
body. Yet they do not always get this care. The
hands receive frequent washings every day. Once a
week is quite as often as many people can bestow the
same attention upon their feet. A tepid bath at about
80 or 90 degrees, should be used . The feet may remain
in the water about five minutes, and the instant they
are taken out they should be rapidly and thoroughly
dried by being well rubbed with a coarse towel. Some
times bran is used in the water. Few things are more
invigorating and refreshing after a long walk , or getting
wet in the feet, than a tepid foot -bath , clean stockings
and a pair of easy shoes. After the bath is the time for
paring the toe-nails, as they are so much softer and
more pliant after having been immersed in warm
water.

TREATMENT FOR MOIST OR DAMP FEET.

Some persons are troubled with moist or damp feet.

This complaint arises more particularly during the hot
weather in summer-time, and the greatest care and
cleanliness should be exercised in respect to it. Persons
80 afflicted should wash their feet twice a day in soap
and warm water, after which they should put on clean
socks. Should this fail to cure , they may, after being
362 THE TOILET.

washed as above, be rinsed , and then thoroughly rub

bed with a mixture consisting of half a pint of warm
water and three tablespoonfuls of concentrated solution
of chloride of soda.

BLISTERS ON THE FEET.

People who walk much are frequently afflicted with
blisters. The best preventative of these is to have easy,
well- fitting boots and woolen socks. Should blisters
occur, a very good plan is to pass a large darning -needle
threaded with worsted through the blister lengthwise,
leaving an inch or so of the thread outside at each end.
This keeps the scurf-skin close to the true skin , and
prevents any grit or dirt entering. The thread absorbs
the matter, and the old skin remains until the new one
grows. A blister should not be punctured save in this
manner, as it may degenerate into a sore and become
very troublesome.
CHILBLAINS.

To avoid chilblains on the feet it is necessary to ob

serve three rules: 1. Avoid getting the feet wet ; if
they become so, change the shoes and stockings at once.
2. Wear lamb's wool socks or stockings. 3. Never
under any circumstances “ toast your toes” before the
fire, especially if you are very cold. Frequent bathing
of the feet in a strong solution of alum is useful in pre
venting the coming of chilblains. On the first indica
tion of any redness of the toes and sensation of itching
it would be well to rub them carefully with warm
 THE TOILET. 363

spirits of rosemary, to which a little turpentine has

been added. Then a piece of lint soaked in camphor
ated spirits, opodeldoc or camphor liniment may be
applied and retained on the part. Should the chilblain
break , dress it twice daily with a plaster of equal parts
of lard and beeswax, with half the quantity in weight
of oil of turpentine.
THE TOE NAILS.
The toe- nails do not grow so fast as the finger -nails,
but they should be looked after and trimmed at least
once a fortnight. They are much more subject to
irregnlarity of growth than the finger -nails, owing to
their confined position. If the nails show a tendency
to grow in at the sides, the feet should be bathed in hot
water, pieces of lint introduced beneath the parts with
an inward tendency, and the nail itself scraped longi
tudinally.
Pare the toe-nails squarer than those of the fingers.
Keep them a moderate length - long enough to protect
the toe, but not so long as to cut holes in the stockings.
Always cut the nails ; never tear them, as is too fre
quently the practice. Be careful not to destroy the
spongy substance below the nails, as that is the great
guard to prevent them going into the quick.
CORNS .
It is tolerably safe to say that those who wear loose,
easy -fitting shoes and boots will never be troubled with
corns. Some people are more liable to corns than
364 THE TOILET .

others, and some will persist in the use of tightly -fitting

shoes in spite of corns

How to HAVE SHOES MADE.

The great fault with modern shoes is that their soles
are made too narrow. If one would secure perfect
healthfulness of the feet, he should go to a shoemaker
and step with his stockinged feet on a sheet of paper.
Let the shoemaker mark with a pencil upon the paper
the exact size of his foot, and then make him a shoe
whose sole shall be as broad as this outlined foot.
Still more destructive of the beauty and symmetry of
our women's feet have been the high, narrow heels so
much worn lately. They make it difficult to walk, and
even in some cases permanently cripple the feet. A
shoe, to be comfortable, should have a broad sole and a
heel of moderate height, say one -half an inch, as broad
at the bottom " at the top.
 CHAPTER XXXIII .

Toilet Recipes.
To REMOVE FRECKLES.

and squeeze the juice out of common

BRUISE
chick-weed, and to this juice add three times
its quantity of soft water. Bathe the skin
with this for five or ten minutes morning and
evening, and wash afterwards with clean water.
Elder flowers treated and applied exactly in the same
manner as above. When the flowers are not to be had ,
the distilled water from them, which may be procured
from any druggist, will answer the purpose.
A good freckle lotion is made of honey, one ounce,
mixed with one pint of luke-warm water. Apply when
cold.
Carbonate of potassa, twenty grains; milk of almonds,
three ounces ; oil of sassafras, three drops. Mix and
apply two or three times a day.
One ounce of alcohol ; half a dram salts tartar ; one
dram oil bitter almonds. Let stand for one day and
apply every second day.
( 365 )
366 TOILET RECIPES .

For PIMPLES ON THE FACE.

Wash the face in a solution composed of one tea
spoonful of carbolic acid to a pint of water. This is an
excellent purifying lotion, and may be used on the most
delicate skin. Be careful not to get any of it in the
eyes as it will weaken them .
One table -spoonful of borax to half a pint of water is
an excellent remedy for cutaneous eruptions, canker,
ringworm , etc.
Pulverize a piece of alum the size of a walnut, dis
solve it in one ounce of lemon juice, and add one ounce
of alcohol. Apply once or twice a day.
Mix two ounces of rose-water with one dram of sul
phate of zinc. Wet the face gently and let it dry.
Then touch the affected part with cream .
WASH FOR THE COMPLEXION.
A tea-spoonful of the flour of sulphur and a wine
glassful of lime-water, well shaken and mixed ; half a
wine-glass of glycerine and a wine-glass of rose - water.
Rub it on the face every night before going to bed.
Shake well before using.
Another prescription , used by hunters to keep away
the black flies and mosquitoes, is said to leave the skin
very clear and fair, and is as follows : Mix one spoon
ful of the best tar in a pint of pure olive oil or almond
oil, by heating the two together in a tin cup set in
boiling water. Stir till completely mixed and smooth,
putting in more oil if the compound is too thick to run
easily. Rub this on the face when going to bed, and
 TOILET RECIPES. 367

lay patches of soft cloth on the cheeks and forehead to

keep the tar from rubbing off. The bed linen must be
protected by cloth folded and thrown over the pillows.
The whites of four eggs boiled in rose -water ; half an
ounce of alum ; half an ounce of sweet almonds ; beat
the whole together until it assumes the consistency of
paste. Spread upon a silk or muslin mask , to be worn
at night.
Take a small piece of the gum benzoin and boil it in
spirits of wine till it becomes a rich tincture. In using
it pour fifteen drops into a glass of water, wash the
face and hands and allow it to dry.
BORACIC ACID FOR SKIN DISEASES.
Boracic acid hos been used with great success as an
external application in the treatment of vegetable
parasitic diseases of the skin . A solution of a dram of
the acid to an ounce of water, or much of the acid as
the water will take up, is found to moct the require
ments of the case satisfactorily. The affected parts
should be well bathed in the solution twice a day and
well rubbed .

To SOFTEN THE SKIN.

Mix half an ounce of glycerine with half an ounce of
alcohol, and add four ounces of rose-water. Shake
well together and it is ready for use. This is a splendid
remedy for chapped hands.
REMEDY FOR RINGWORM.
Apply a solution of the root of common narrow
368 TOILET RECIPES

leafed dock, which belongs to the botanical genus of

Rumex . Use vinegar for the solvent.
Dissolve a piece of sulphate of potash, the size of a
walnut, in one ounce of water. Apply night and
morning for a couple of days, and it will disappear.
To REMOVE SUNBURN.
Take two drams of borax, one dram of alum, one
dram of camphor, half an ounce of sugar candy, and a
pound oi ox -gall. Mix and stir well for ten minutes,
and stir it three or four times a fortnight. When clear
and transparent, strain through a blotting paper and
bottle for use.
TO PREVENT HAIR FALLING OUT.
Ammonia one ounce, rosemary one ounce, cantharides
four drams, rose-water four ounces, glycerine one ounce.
First wet the head with cold water, then apply the
mixture, rubbing briskly.
Vinegar of cantharides half an ounce, eau-de -cologne
one ounce, rose-water one ounce. The scalp should be
brushed briskly until it becomes red , and the lotion
should then be applied to the roots of the hair twice a
day.
To BEAUTIFY THE HAIR.
Take two ounces of olive oil, four ounces of good bay
rum, and one dram of the oil of almonds ; mix and
shake well. This will darken the hair.
HAIR OILS.
Mix two ounces of castor oil with three ounces of
 TOILET RECIPES. 369

alcohol and add two ounces of olive oil. Perfume to

liking.
TO MAKE POMADES FOR THE HAIR .
Take the marrow out of a beef shank bone, melt it
in a vessel placed over or in boiling water, then strain
and scent to liking, with ottar of roses or other perfume.
Unsalted lard five ounces, olive oil two and a half
ounces, castor oil one-quarter ounce, yellow wax and
spermaceti one - quarter ounce. These ingredients are to
be liquified over a warm bath, and when cool, perfume
to liking.
Fresh beef marrow , boiled with a little almond oil or
sweet oil, and scented with ottar of roses or other mild
perfume.
A transparent hair pomade is made as follows : Take
half a pint of fine castor oil and an ounce of white wax.
Stir until it gets cool enough to thicken , when perfume
may be stirred in ; geranium , bergamot or lemon oil
may be used.
GERMAN METHOD OF TREATING THE HAIR.
The women of Germany have remarkably fine and
luxuriant hair. The following is their method of man
aging it : About once in two or three weeks, boil for
half an hour or more a large handful of bran in a quart
of soft water ; strain into a basin, and when tepid , rub
into the water a little white soap. With this wash the
head thoroughly, using a soft linen cloth or towel,
thoroughly dividing the hair so as to reach the roots.
24
370 TOILET RECIPES .

Then take the yolk of an egg, slightly beaten in a

Baucer, and with the fingers rub it into the roots of the
hair. Let it remain a few minutes, and then wash it
off entirely with a cloth dipped in pure water. Rinse
the head well till the yolk of the egg has disappeared
from it, then wipe and rub it dry with towel, and comb
the hair from the head , parting it with the fingers,
then apply some soft pomatum . In winter it is best to
do all this in a warm room .

TO KEEP THE HAIR FROM TURNING GREY.

Take the hulls of butternuts, about four ounces, and
infuse in a quart of water, and to this add half an
ounce of copperas. Apply with a soft brush every two
or three days. This preparation is harmless, and is far
better than those dyes made of nitrate of silver.
Oxide of bismuth four drams, spermaceti four drams,
pure hog's lard four ounces. Melt the two last and
add the first.

TO CLEANSE THE HAIR AND SCALP.

Beat up a fresh egg and rub it well into the hair, or

if more convenient, rub it into the hair without beating.
Rub the egg in until a lather is formed, occasionally
wetting the hands in warm water softened by borax.
By the time a lather is formed, the scalp is clean , then
rinse the egg all out in a basin of warm water, contain
ing a tablespoonful of powdered borax ; after that rinse
in a basin of clean water.
 TOILET RECIPES. 371

HAIR WASH.
Bay rum six ounces , aromatic spirits of ammonia
half an ounce, bergamot oil six drops. Mix.
TO MAKE THE HAIR GROW.
If the head be perfectly bald, nothing will ever cause
the hair to grow again. If the scalp be glossy, and no
small hairs are discernible, the roots or follicles are
dead , and cannot be resuscitated. However if small
hairs are to be seen , there is hope. Brush well, and
bathe the bald spot three or four times a week with
cold soft water ; carbonate of ammonia one dram, tinc
ture of cantharides four drams, bay rum four ounces ,
castor oil two ounces . Mix well and use it every day.
SEA FOAM OR DRY SHAMPOO.

Take a pint of alcohol, half pint of bay rum, and

half an ounce of spirits of ammonia, and one dram of
salts tartar. Shake well together and it is ready for
use. Pour a quantity on the head, rub well with the
palm of the hand. It will produce a thick foam , and
will cleanse the scalp. This is used generally by first
class barbers.

BARBER'S SHAMPOO .

To one pint of warm water add half an ounce of

salts tarter. Cut up very fine a piece of castile soap,
the size of two crackers, and mix it, shaking the mix
ture well, and it is ready for use.
372 TOILET RECIPES .

CLEANING GOLD JEWELRY.

Gold ornaments may be kept bright and clean with
soap and warm water, scrubbing them well with a soft
nail brush. They may be dried in sawdust of box
wood . Imitation jewelry may be treated in the same
way.
To LOOSEN STOPPERS OF TOILET BOTTLES.
Let a drop of pure oil flow round the stopper and let
the bottle stand a foot or two from the fire. After a
time tap the stopper smartly, but not too hard, with
the handle of a hair brush. If this is not effectual, use
a fresh drop of oil and repeat the process. It is almost
sure to succeed.
TO MAKE BANDOLINE.
Half a pint of water, rectified spirits with an equal
quantity of water three ounces, gum tragacanth one
and a half drams. Add perfume, let the mixture stand
for a day or two and then strain.
Simmer an ounce of quince seed in a quart of water
for forty minutes, strain , cool, add a few drops of scent,
and bottle, corking tightly.
Iceland moss one-fourth of an ounce, boiled in a
quart of water, and a little rectified spirit added , so
that it will keep.
To MAKE LIP-SALVE.

Melt in a jar placed in a basin of boiling water a

quarter of an ounce each of white wax and spermaceti,
flour of benzoin fifteen grains, and half an ounce of the
 TOILET RECIPES. 373

oil of almonds. Stir till the mixture is cool. Color

red with alkanet root.

To CLEAN Kid Boots.

Mix a little white of egg and ink in a bottle, so that
the composition may be well shaken up when required
for use. Apply to the kid with a piece of sponge and
rub dry. The best thing to rub with is the palm of the
hand. When the kid shows symptoms of cracking, rub
in a few drops of sweet oil. The soles and heels should
be polished with common blacking.
TO CLEAN PATENT- LEATHER BOOTS.

In cleaning patent-leather boots, first remove all the

dirt upon them with a sponge or flannel ; then the boot
should be rubbed lightly over with a paste consisting of
two spoonfuls of cream and one of linseed oil, both of
which require to be warmed before being mixed.
Polish with a soft cloth .

TO REMOVE STAINS AND SPOTS FROM SILK.

Boil five ounces of soft water and six ounces of
powdered alum for a short time, and pour it into a
vessel to cool. Warm it for use, and wash the stained
part with it and leave dry.
Wash the soiled part with ether, and the grease will
disappear.
We often find that lemon-juice, vinegar, oil of vitro,
and other sharp corrosives, stain dyed garments. Some
times, by adding a little pearlash to a soap-lather and
374 TOILET RECIPES .

passing the silks through these, the faded color will be

restored . Pearlash and warm water will sometimes do
alone, but it is the most efficacious to use the soap
lather and pearlash together.
TOOTHACHE PREVENTIVE ,

Use flower of sulphur as a tooth - powder every night,

rubbing the teeth and gums with a rather hard tooth
brush. If done after dinner too, all the better.
preserves the teeth and does not communicate any smell
whatever to the mouth ,

How to WHITEN LINEN.

Stains occasioned by fruit, iron rust and other similar
causes may be removed by applying to the parts injured
a weak solution of the chloride of lime, the cloth having
been previously well washed . The parts subjected to
this operation should be subsequently rinsed in soft,
clear, warm water , without soap, and be immediately
dried in the sun.
Oxalic acid diluted with water will accomplish the
same end.
TO TAKE STAINS OUT OP SILK.
Mix together in a vial two ounces of essence of lemon
and one ounce of oil of turpentine. Grease and other
spots in silk must be rubbed gently with a linen rag
dipped in the above composition. To remove acid
stains from silks, apply with a soft rag, spirits of
ammonia
 TOILET RECIPES . 375

To REMOVE STAINS FROM WHITE COTTON GOODs.

For mildew, rub in salt and some buttermilk , and
expose it to the influence of a hot sun. Chalk and
soap or lemon juice and salt are also good . As fast as
the spots become dry, more should be rubbed on , and
the garment should be kept in the sun until the spots
disappear. Some one of the preceding things will ex
tract most kinds of stains, but a hot sun is necessary to
render any one of them effectual.
Scalding water will remove fruit stains. So also will
hartshorn diluted with warm water, but it will be
necessary to apply it several times .
Common salt rubbed on fruit-stains before they be
come dry will extract them.
Colored cotton goods that have ink spilled on them ,
should be soaked in lukewarm sour milk.
TO REMOVE SPOTS OF PITCH OR TAR .

Scrape off all the pitch or tar you can, then saturate
the spots with sweet-oil or lard ; rub it in well, and let
it remain in a warm place for an hour.
TO EXTRACT PAINT FROM GARMENTS.
Saturate the spot with spirits of turpentine, let it re
main a number of hours, then rub it between the
hands ; it will crumble away without injury either to
the texture or color of any kind of woolen, cotton or
silk goods.
To CLEAN SILKS AND RIBBONS.

Take equal quantities of soft lye-soap, alcohol or

376 TOILET RECIPES .

gin, and molasses. Put the silk on a clean table with

out creasing ; rub on the mixture with a flannel cloth.
Rinse the silk well in cold, clear water, and hang it up
to dry without wringing. Iron it before it gets dry, on
the wrong side. Silks and ribbons treated in this way
will look very nicely.
Camphene will extract grease and clean ribbons
without changing the color of most things. They
should be dried in the open air and ironed when pretty
dry.
The water in which pared potatoes have been boiled
is very good to wash black silks in ; it stiffens and
makes them glossy and black.
Soap-syds answer very well. They should be washed
in two suds and not rinsed in clean water.
REMEDY FOR BURNT KID OR LEATHER SHOES.
If a lady has had the misfortune to put her shoes or
slippers too near the stove, and thus had them burned ,
she can make them nearly as good as ever by spreading
soft-soap upon them while they are still hot, and then,
when they are cold, washing it off. It softens the
leather and prevents it drawing up.
REMEDY FOR CORNS.
Soak the feet for half an hour two or three nights
successively in a pretty strong solution of common soda.
The alkalı dissolves the indurated cuticle and the corn
comes away, leaving a little cavity which, however,
soon fills up.
 TOILET RECIPES. 377

Corns between the toes are generally more painful

than any others, and are frequently so situated as to be
almost inaccessible to the usual remedies. They may
be cured by wetting them several times a day with
spirits of ammonia.
INFLAMED EYELIDS.
Take a slice of stale bread , cut as thin as possible,
toast both sides well, but do not burn it ; when cold
soak it in cold water, then put it between a piece of
old linen and apply, changing when it gets warm .
TO MAKE COLD CREAM.

Melt in a jar two ounces of white wax, half an ounce

of spermaceti, and mix with a pint of sweet oil. Add
perfume to suit.
Melt together an ounce of white wax, half an ounce
of spermaceti, and mix with a pint of oil of sweet
almonds and half a pint of rose -water. Beat to a
paste.
TO MAKE ROSE-WATER,

Take half an ounce of powdered white sugar and two

drams of magnesia. With these mix twelve drops of
ottar of roses. Add a quart of water, two ounces of
alcohol, mix in a gradual manner, and filter through
blotting paper.
HOW TO WASH LACES.
Take a quart bottle and cover it over with the leg of
a soft, firm stocking, sewing it tightly above and below .
Then wind the collar or lace smoothly around the
378 TOILET RECIPES .

covered bottle ; take a fine needle and thread and sew

very carefully around the outer edge of the collar or
lace, catching every loop fast to the stocking. Then
shake the bottle up and down in a pailful of warm soap
suds, occasionally rubbing the soiled places with a soft
sponge. It must be rinsed well after the same manner
in clean water. When the lace is clean , apply a very
weak solution of gum arabic and stand the bottle in the
sunshine to dry. Take off the lace very carefully when
perfectly dry. Instead of ironing, lay it between the
white leaves of a heavy book ; or, if you are in a hurry,
iron on flannel between a few thicknesses of fine muslin .
Done up in this way, lace collars will wear longer, stay
clean longer, and have a rich, new, lacy look that they
will not have otherwise.
HOW TO DARKEN FADED FALSE HAIR.
The switches, curls and frizzes which fashion de
mands should be worn, will fade in course of time ; and
though they matched the natural hair perfectly at first,
they will finally present a lighter tint. If the hair is
brown this can be remedied. Obtain a yard of dark
brown calico . Boil it until the color has well come out
into the water. Then into this water dip the hair, and
take it out and dry it. Repeat the operation until it
shall be of the required depth of shade.
PUTTING AWAY FURS FOR THE SUMMER .
When you are ready to put away furs and woolens,
and want to guard against the depredations of moths,
 TOILET RECIPES. 379

pack them securely in paper flour- sacks and tie them

up well. This is better than camphor or tobacco or
snuff scattered among them in chests and drawers.
Before putting your muffs away for the summer, twirl
them by the cords at the ends, so that every hair will
straighten. Put them in their boxes and paste a strip of
paper where the lid fits on.

To KEEP THE HAIR IN CURL.

To keep the hair in curl, take a few quince -seed, boil
them in water, and add perfumery if you like ; wet the
hair with this, and it will keep in curl longer than from
the use of any other preparation. It is also good to
keep the hair in place on the forehead on going out in
the wind.
PROTECTION AGAINST MOTHS.
Dissolve two ounces of camphor in half a pint each
of alcohol and spirits of turpentine ; keep in a stone
bottle and shake before using. Dip blotting paper in
the liquid, and place in the box with the articles to be
preserved.
TO TAKE MILDEW OUT OF LINEN.
Wet the linen in soft water, rub it well with white
soap, then scrape some fine chalk to powder, and rub
it well into the linen ; lay it out on the grass in the
sunshine, watching to keep it damp with soft water.
Repeat the process the next day, and in a few hours the
mildew will entirely disappear.
380 TOILET RECIPES.

CURE FOR INGROWING NAILS ON TOES.

Take a little tallow and put it into a spoon , and heat
it over a lamp until it becomes very hot ; then pour it
on the sore or granulation. The effect will be almost
magical. The pain and tenderness will at once be re
lieved. The operation causes very little pain if the
tallow is perfectly heated . Perhaps a repetition may
be necessary in some cases.
TO REMOVE GREASE-SPOTS FROM WOOLEN CLOTH.

Take one quart of spirits of wine or alcohol, twelve

drops of winter green , one gill of beef-gall and six
cents' worth of lavender. A little alkanet to color if
you wish . Mix.

TO CLEAN WOOLEN CLOTH .

Take equal parts of spirits hartshorn and ether. Ox

gall mixed with it makes it better.

TO TAKE INK - SPOTS FROM LINEN.

Take a piece of mould candle of the finest kind, melt
it, and dip the spotted part of the linen in the melted
tallow . Then throw the linen into the wash .

TO REMOVE FRUIT-STAINS.
Moisten the parts stained with cold water ; then hold
it over the smoke of burning brimstone, and the stain
will disappear. This will remove iron mould also.
 TOILET RECIPES. 381

CLEANING SILVER.

For cleaning silver, either articles of personal wear or

those pertaining to the toilet- table or dressing -case,
there is nothing better than a spoonful of common
whiting, carefully pounded so as to be without lumps,
reduced to a paste with gin.

To REMOVE GREASE -SPOTS.

French chalk is useful for removing grease- spots from

clothing. Spots on silk will sometimes yield if a piece
of blotting-paper is placed over them and the blade of
a knife is heated (not too much) and passed over the
paper.
TO REMOVE A TIGHT RING.

When a ring happens to get so tight on a finger that

it cannot be removed, a piece of string, well soaped,
may be wound tightly round the finger, commencing
at the end of the finger and continued until the ring is
reached . Then force the end of the twine between the
ring and finger, and as the string is unwound, the ring
will gradually be forced off.
MOSQUITOES WARDED OFF.
To ward off mosquitoes, apply to the skin a solution
made of fifty drops of carbolic acid to an ounce of
glycerine. Mosquito bites may be instantly cured by
touching them with the solution. Add two or three
drops of the ottar of roses to disguise the smell. The
382 TOILET RECIPES .

pure, crystallized form of the acid has a less powerful

odor than the common preparation,

LINIMENT FOR THE FACE AFTER SHAVING .

One ounce of lime water, one ounce of sweet oil, one
drop oil of roses, is a good liniment for the face after
shaving. Shake well before using. Apply with the
forefinger.
TO REMOVE SUNBURN.

Wash thoroughly with milk of almonds, which can

be obtained at the drug store.

To WHITEN THE FINGER NAILS.

Take two drams of dilute sulphuric acid, one dram
of the tincture of myrrh, four ounces of spring water,
and mix in a bottle. After washing the hands, dip
the fingers in a little of the mixture. Rings with stones
or pearls in them should be removed before using this
mixture.

TO REMOVE TAN.
Tan can be removed from the face by dissolving
magnesia in soft water. Beat it to a thick mass, spread
it on the face, and let it remain a minute or two. Then
wash off with castile soapsuds and rinse with soft
water.

To CURE WARTS.

Take a piece of raw beef steeped in vinegar for

 TOILET RECIPES . 383

twenty -four hours, tie it on the part affected . Apply

each night for two weeks.
REMEDY FOR IN -GROWING TOE -NAILS,

The best remedy for in - growing toe- nails is to cut &

notch about the shape of a V in the end of the nail,
about one- quarter the width of the nail from the in
growing side. Cut down as nearly to the quick as
possible, and one- third the length of the nail. The
pressure of the boot or shoe will tend to close the open
ing you have made in the nail, and this soon affords
relief, Allow the in -growing portion of the nail to
grow without cutting it, until it gets beyond the flesh .
TO REMOVE WRINKLES.

Melt one ounce of white wax, add two ounces of

juice of lily-bulbs, two ounces of honey, two drams of
rose-water, and a drop or two of ottar of roses. Use it
twice a day.
Put powder of best myrrh upon an iron plate suf
ficiently hot to melt the gum gently, and when it
liquefies, cover over your head with a napkin, and hold
your face over the fumes at a distance that will cause
you no inconvenience. If it produces headache, dis
continue its use.
In washing, use warm instead of cold water.
REMEDY FOR CHAPPED HANDS.
After washing with soap, rinse the hands in fresh
384 TOILET RECIPES.

water and dry them thoroughly, by applying Indian

meal or rice flour.
Lemon - juice three ounces, white wine vinegar three
ounces, and white brandy half a pint.
Add ten drops of carbolic acid to one ounce of
glycerine, and apply freely at night.
To CURE CHILBLAINS.
Two tablespoonfuls of lime water mixed with enough
sweet oil to make it as thick as lard. Rub the chil
blains with the mixture and dry it in , then wrap up in
linen.
Bathe the chilblains in strong alum water, as hot as
it can be borne.
When indications of the chilblains first present them
selves, take vinegar three ounces and camphorated
spirits of wine one ounce ; mix and rub on the parts
affected .
Bathe the feet in warm water, in which two or three
handsful of common salt have been dissolved.
Rub with a raw onion dipped in salt.
HAIR RESTORATIVE.

The oil of mace one-half ounce , mixed with a pint of

deodorized alcohol, is a powerful stimulant for the
hair. To apply it, pour a spoonful or two into a saucer,
dip a stiff brush into it and brush the hair and head
smartly. On bald heads, if hair will start at all, it
may be stimulated by friction with a piece of flannel
till the skin becomes red . Repeat this process three
 TOILET RECIPES. 385

times a day, until the hair begins to grow , when the

tincture may be applied but once a day, till the growth
is well established. The head should be bathed in cold
water every morning, and briskly brushed to bring the
blood to the surface .

WASH FOR THE TEETH.

Dissolve two ounces of borax in three pints of warm
water. Before the water is quite cold, add one tea
spoonful of spirits of camphor. Bottle the mixture for
use. One wine- glass of the mixture, added to half a
pint of tepid water, is sufficient for each application.
This solution used daily, beautifies and preserves the
teeth .
FOR WHITENING THE HANDS.

A wine- glass of cologne and one of lemon-juice

strained clear. Scrape two cakes of brown Windsor
soap to a powder and mix well in a mould . When
hard, it is fit for use, and will be found excellent for
whitening the hands.
Wear during the night, large cloth mittens filled
with wet bran or oatmeal, and tied closely at the wrist.
Persons who have a great deal of house-work to do,
may keep their hands soft and white by wearing bran
or oatmeal mittens.
TO REDUCE THE FLESH.
A strong decoction of sassafras, drank frequently,
will reduce the flesh as rapidly as any remedy known.
A strong infusion is made at the rate of an ounce of
25
386 TOILET RECIPES .

sassafras to a quart of water. Boil it half an hour

very slowly, and let it stand till cold, heating again if
desired . Keep it from the air.
SMOOTH AND SOFT HANDS.

A few drops of glycerine thoroughly rubbed over the

hands, after washing them , will keep them smooth and
soft.
TO MAKE TINCTURE OF ROSES.
Take the leaves of the common rose and place, with
out pressing them, in a glass bottle, then pour some
spirits of wine on them, close the bottle and let it
stand till required for use. Its perfume is nearly equal
to that of ottar of roses.
SOFT CORNS .

A weak solution of carbolic acid will heal soft corns

between the toes.
BURNED EYEBROWS.

Five grains sulphate of quinine dissolved in an ounce

of alcohol, will, if applied, cause eyebrows to grow
when burned off by the fire.
TO RESTORE GRAY HAIR.

A recipe for restoring gray hair to its natual color,

said to be very effective when the hair is changing
color, is as follows : One pint of water, one ounce
tincture of acetate of iron, half an ounce of glycerine,
and five grains sulphuret of potassium. Mix and let
 TOILET RECIPES . 387

the bottle stand open until the smell of the potassium

has disappeared, then add a few drops of ottar of roses.
Rub a little into the hair daily, and it will restore its
color and benefit the health .
Bathing the head in a strong solution of rock salt, is
said to restore gray hair in some cases. Make the
solution two heaping tablespoonfuls of salt to a quart
of boiling water, and let it stand until cold before
using
A solution made of a tablespoonful of carbonate of
ammonia to a quart of water is also recommended.
Wash the head thoroughly with the solution and brush
the hair while wet.
TO TAKE STAINS OUT OF SILKS.
Make a solution of two ounces of essence of lemon,
and one ounce oil of turpentine. Rub the silk gently
with linen cloth, dipped in the solution.
To remove acid - stains from silk, apply spirits of
ammonia with a soft rag.

TO TAKE INKSPOTS FROM LINEN.

Dip the spotted part of the linen in clean pure melted
tallow , before being washed .
TO REMOVE DISCOLORATION BY BRUISING.

Apply to the bruise a cloth wrung out of very hot

water, and renew frequently until the pain ceases.
TO CLEAN KID GLOVES.
Make a solution of one quart of distilled benzine
388 TOILET RECIPES.

with one -fourth of an ounce of carbonate of ammonia,

one-fourth of an ounce of fluid chloroform , one-fourth
of an ounce of sulphuric ether. Pour a small quantity
into a saucer, put on the gloves, and wash, as if wash
ing the hands, changing the solution until the gloves
are clean. Rub them clean and as dry as possible with
a clean dry cloth , and take them off and hang them
where there is a good current of air to dry. This
solution is also excellent for cleaning ribbons, silks,
etc. , and is perfectly harmless to the most delicate
tints. Do not get near the fire when using, as the ben
zine is very inflammable .
Washing the gloves in turpentine, the same as above,
is also a good means of cleaning them .
PERSPIRATION .

To remove the unpleasant odor produced by per

spiration, put two tablespoonfuls of the compound
spirit of ammonia in a basin of water, and use it for
bathing. It leaves the skin clear, sweet and fresh as
one could wish . It is perfectly harmless, very cheap,,
and is recommended on the authority of an experienced
physician.
To REMOVE FLESH WORMS.
Flesh worms, or little black specks, which appear on
the nose, may be removed by washing in warm water,
drying with a towel, and applying a wash of cologne and
liquor of potash , made of three ounces of the former to
one ounce of the latter.
 TOILET RECIPES . 389

CHAPPED LIPS.
Oil of roses four ounces, white wax one ounce ,

spermaceti half an ounce ; melt in a glass vessel, stir

ring with a wooden spoon, and pour into a china or
glass cup.
RECIPES FOR THE CARE OF THE TEETH.

A remedy for unsound gums, is a gargle made of one

ounce of coarsely powdered Peruvian bark steeped in
half a pint of brandy for two weeks. Put a teaspoonful
of this into a tablespoonful of water, and gargle the
mouth twice a day.
The ashes of stale bread, thoroughly burned, is said
to make a good dentifrice.
The teeth should be carefully brushed after every
meal, as a means of preserving a sweet breath . In
addition , a small piece of licorice may be dissolved in
the mouth , which corrects the effects of indigestion.
Licorice has no smell, but simply corrects ill- flavored
odor.
A good way to clean teeth is to dip the brush in
water, rub it over white castile soap , then dip it in pre
pared chalk , and brush the teeth briskly.
To beautify the teeth, dissolve two ounces of borax in
three pints of boiling water, and before it is cold, add
one teaspoonful of spirits of camphor ; bottle for use.
Use a teaspoonful of this with an equal quantity of
warm water.
TO MAKE COLD CREAM.
Five ounces oil of sweet almonds, three ounces
390 TOILET RECIPES .

spermaceti, half an ounce of white wax, and three to

five drops ottar of roses . Melt together in a shallow
dish over hot water. Strain through a piece of muslin
when melted , and as it begins to cool, beat it with a
silver spoon until cold and snowy white. For the hair
use seven ounces of oil of almonds instead of five.

REMEDY FOR BLACK TEETH .

Take equal parts of cream of tartar and salt, pulverize

it and mix it well. Wash the teeth in the morning
and rub them well with the powder.

To CLEANSE THE TEETH AND GUMS.

Take an ounce of myrrh in fine powder, two table
spoonfuls of honey, and a little green sage in very fine
powder ; mix them well together, and wet the teeth
and gums with a little, twice a day.
 :
CHAPTER XXXIV .

Sports, Games, Imusginguts.

HERE is a great variety of games, sports and

amusements for both out -door and in-door
entertainment, in which both sexes mingle
for pleasure, and brief mention is here
made of some of these.

ARCHERY .

The interest that has been recently awakened in

this country in archery, is worthy of mention. As a
graceful, healthful and innocent sport, it has no equal
among any of the games that have been introduced,
where both sexes participate. Our young and middle
aged ladies too often neglect out-door physical exer
tion, which is essential to acquiring strength of limbs
and muscle, and a gracefulness of carriage which is
dependent thereon. It is a mistaken idea that with
youth all indulgence in physical recreation should
cease . On the contrary, such exercises as are most
(391)
392 SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS .
conducive to health, and are attended with pleasure,
might with propriety be kept up by young women as
well as by young men, as a means of retaining
strength and elasticity of the muscles ; and, instead of
weak, trembling frames and broken down constitutions,
in the prime of life, a bright, vigorous old age would be
the reward. The pursuit of archery is recommended to
both young and old, male and female, as having ad
vantages far superior to any of the out-door games and
exercises, as a graceful and invigorating pastime, de
veloping in ladies a strong constitution , perfection of
sight at long range, and above all, imparting to the
figure a graceful appearance and perfect action of the
limbs and chest. Let the women of this country devote
some of their spare hours to this pleasant, health -giving
sport, and their reward will be bright, ruddy faces,
elasticity of movement, and strong and vigorous con
stitutions.

IMPLEMENTS FOR ARCHERY

For the purposes of archery, the implements re

quired are the bow, arrows, targets, a quiver pouch and
belt, an arm -guard or brace, a shooting glove or finger
tip and a scoring card.
The bow is from five to six feet long, made of lance
wood or locust. Spanish yew is considered the choicest,
next comes the Italian, then the English yew , lance
wood and lancewood backed with hickory are used
more than any other. In choosing a bow , get the best
 SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. 393

you can afford, it will prove the cheapest in the end.

Men should use bows six feet long, pulling from forty
to sixty pounds, and ladies bows of five feet or five feet
six inches in length, and pulling from twenty-five to
forty pounds. The arrows are generally of uniform
thickness throughout, and are made of pine ; the finest
grades being made of white deal, with sharp points of
iron or brass. They are from 25 to 30 inches in length .
The quiver belt is worn round the waist, and contains
the arrows which are being used. The arm is protected
from the blow of the string by the " arm -guard ,” a
broad guard of strong leather buckled on the left wrist
by two straps. A shooting -glove is worn on the right
hand to protect the fingers from soreness in drawing
the string of the bow .
The target consists of a circular, thick mat of straw,
from two to four feet in diameter, covered with canvas,
painted in a series of circles. The inner circle is a gold
color, then comes red, white, black, and the outer circle
white. The score for a gold hit is nine ; the red 7 ; the
inner white 5 ; the black 3, and the outer white 1.
The use of the bow and arrows, the proper manner of
holding them, and directions for shooting are to be
found in pamphlets of instruction , which often accom
pany the implements.

ARCHERY CLUBS AND PRACTICE.

In many cities and villages throughout the country,
clubs have been formed , and regular days for practice
394 SPORTS, GAMES , AMUSEMENTS .

and prize shooting are appointed. Each member of

the club is expected to furnish his or her own imple
ments, and to attend all the practice meetings and
prize shootings. The clubs are about equally divided
as to ladies and gentlemen, as both sexes participate
equally in the sport. The officers are such as are
usually chosen in all organizations, with the addition
of a Lady Paramount, a Scorer, and a Field Marshal.
The lady paramount is the highest office of honor in
the club. She is expected to act as an umpire or judge
in all matters of dispute that may come up in the club,
and her decisions must be regarded as final. She is
also expected to do all in her power to further the in
terests of the organization. A field marshal has been
appointed by some clubs, and his duties are to place
the targets, measure the shooting distances, and have
general supervision of the field on practice days. The
scorer keeps a score of each individual member of the
club.
In meeting for practice, it is customary to have one
target for every six, eight or ten persons, the latter
number being sufficient for any one target. The tar
gets are placed at any distance required , from thirty to
one hundred yards ; ladies being allowed an advantage
of about one - fourth the distance in shooting. To be
ginners, a distance of from twenty- five to forty yards
for gentlemen, and twenty to thirty for ladies, is suf
ficient, and this distance may be increased as practice is
acquired . An equal number of ladies and gentlemen
 SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. 395

usually occupy one target, and each shoot a certain

number of arrows as agreed upon, usually from three to
six, a score being kept as the target is hit. After each
person has shot the allotted number of arrows, it is re
garded as an “ end,” and a certain number of ends, as
agreed upon, constitutes a “ round.” For prize shoot
ing, the National Archery Association has established
three rounds, known as the “ York Round,” the
“ American Round,” and the “ Columbia Round ” (for
ladies.) The “ York Round ” consists of 72 arrows at
100 yards, 48 at 80 yards, and 24 at 60 yards. The
“ American Round” consists of 30 arrows, each at 60,
50 and 40 yards respectively, and the “ Columbia Round"
(for ladies,) 24 arrows, each at 50, 40 and 30 yards res
pectively. A captain is appointed for each target, who
designates a target scorer, and the gentleman who
makes the largest score, is appointed captain of the
target at the succeeding meeting. The target scorer,
at the close of the round, hands the score to the official
scorer, who announces the result at the next meeting of
the club. Some clubs have adopted the plan of having
every alternate meeting for prize shooting, awarding
some small token to the lady and gentleman who make
the highest scores.
Ladies costume for archery may be more brilliant
than for an ordinary walking dress, and are usually
trimmed with green and gold color, and in many cases
a green jacket is worn. The costumes are short enough
for convenience in movement, and made so as to give
free and easy movement of the arms.
 396 SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS.
LAWN - TENNIS.
Amongst all games, none, perhaps can so justly lay
claim to the honor of antiquity as tennis. The ancient
Greeks played it, the Romans knew it as pila , and ever
since those days, with little intermission , the game has
been played in many European countries. After a long
season of rest, the game has now re-appeared in all the
freshness of renewed youth. There are many points to
be said to commend tennis. Both ladies and gentlemen
can join in the game, and often the palm will be borne
off by the “ weaker, yet fairer " sex . The exercise re
quired to enjoy the game is not in any way of an ex
hausting character, and affords ladies a training in
graceful and charming movements . Lawn - tennis may
be played either in summer or winter, and in cold
weather, if the ground be dry, is a very agreeable out
door recreation. At a croquet or garden party it is
certainly a desideratum .
The requisitesf or playing lawn -tennis, are a lawn or
level surface about 45 by 100 feet, as the “ court ”
upon which the playing is done is 27 by 78 feet. A net
four or five feet in height and 27 feet long, divides the
court. A ball made of india rubber and covered with
cloth , and a “ racket ” for each player are the imple
ments needed for playing. The racket is used for
handling the ball, and is about two feet in length, with
net work as the outer end, by means of which the bal}
18 tossed from one place to another . Rules for playing
the game are cbtained with the implements needed,
 SPORTS GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. 397

which can be procured from dealers in such lines of

goods.
BOATING.
Where there is a sufficiently large body or stream of
water to admit of it, boating is a very enjoyable rec
reation, which may be pursued by both ladies and
gentlemen. There is much danger in sailing, and the
proper management of a sail -boat requires consider
able tact and experience. Rowing is safer, but caution
should be observed in not over-loading the boat. A
gentleman should not invite ladies to ride on the water,
unless he is thoroughly capable of managing the boat.
Rowing is a healthful and delightful recreation , and
many ladies become expert and skillful at it. Every
gentleman should have some knowledge of rowing, as it
is easily acquired. If a gentleman who is inexperienced
in rowing, goes out with other gentlemen in a boat, he
should refrain from any attempt to row , as he will only
display his awkwardness, and render the ride uncom
fortable to his companions.
In rowing with a friend, it is polite to offer him the
“ stroke ” oar, which is the post of honor.
When two gentlemen take a party of ladies out for a
row , one stands in the boat to steady it and offer assis
tance to the ladies in getting seated , and the other aids
from the wharf.
A lady's dress for rowing should be one which will
give perfect freedom to her arms ; a short skirt, stout
boots, and hat with sufficient brim to protect her face
from the sun.
398 SPORTS , GAMES , AMUBEMENTS .

PICNICS.

While ladies and gentlemen never forget their good

manners, and are always polite and courteous, yet at
picnics they are privileged to relax many of the forms
and ceremonies required by strict etiquette. Here men
and women mingle for a day of pleasure in the woods
or fields, or on the water, and it is the part of all who
attend to do what they can for their own and their
neighbor's enjoyment. Hence, formal introductions
and other ceremonies need not stand in the way of en
joyment either by ladies or gentlemen , and at the same
time no act of rudeness should occur to mar the pleas
ure of the occasion. It is the duty of gentlemen to do
all they can to make the occasion enjoyable and even
mirthful. They should also look to providing the
means of convenience to and from the spot selected for
the festivities, make such arrangements as are necessary
in the way of providing music, games, boats, and what
ever else is needed to enhance the pleasure of the day.
The ladies provide the luncheon or dinner, which is
spread upon the grass or eaten out of their baskets, and
at which the restraints of the table are withdrawn. At
picnics, gentlemen become the servants as well as the
escorts and guides of the ladies, and perform such
services for ladies in the way of procuring flow
ers, carrying baskets, climbing trees, baiting their
fish -hooks, and many other things as are requested of
them .
 BPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS . 399

PRIVATE THEATRICALS.
Private theatricals may be made very pleasing and
instructive entertainments for fall or winter evenings,
among either young or married people. They include
charades, proverbs, tableaux, dramatic readings, and
the presentation of a short dramatical piece, and may
successfully be given in the parlor or drawing room.
The hostess seeks the aid of friends in the preparation
of her arrangements, and if a drama has been deter
mined upon , she assigns the various parts to each.
Her friends should aid her in her efforts by giving her
all the assistance they can, and by willingly and good
naturedly complying with any request she may make,
accepting the parts allotted to them , even if they are
obscure or distasteful. They should endeavor to per
form their part in any dramatical piece, tableau or
charade as well as possible, and the success they achieve
will determine how conspicuous a part they may be
called upon to perform at a subsequent time. The
hostess should consult each performer before allotting a
part, and endeavor to suit each one. The host or
hostess should not have any conspicuous part assigned
them , unless it is urged by all the other performers.
Those who are to participate , should not only learn
their parts, but endeavor to imbue themselves with the
spirit of the character they personate , so as to afford
pleasure to all who are invited to witness its perform
ance. When persons have consented to participate in
any such entertainment, only sickness or some very
400 SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS .

grave cause should prevent them from undertaking

their part. Supper or refreshments usually follow pri
vate theatricals, of which both the performers and in
vited guests are invited to partake, and the remainder
of the evening is spent in social intercourse.
ETIQUETTE OF CARD PLAYING.
Never urge any one who seems to be unwilling to
play a game of cards. They may have conscientious
scruples in the matter, which must be respected.
If you have no scruples of conscience, it is not
courteous to refuse, when a game cannot be made up
without you .
You may refuse to play if you do not understand the
game thoroughly. If, however, you are urged to try,
and your partner and opponents offer to instruct you,
you may accede to their requests, for in so doing , you
will acquire a better knowledge of the game.
Married and elderly people take precedence over
young and unmarried people, in a game of cards.
It is the privilege of the host and hostess to suggest
cards as a means of amusement for their guests. The
latter should never call for them.
" Whist ’ is a game of cards so called, because it
requires silence and close attention . Therefore in
playing this game, you must give your whole attention
to the cards, and secure at least comparative silence.
Do not suggest or keep up any conversation during a
game, which will distract your own mind or the mind
of others from the game.
 SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS . 401

Never hurry any one who is playing. In endeavoring

to play their best, they should take their own time,
without interruption.
Betting at cards is vulgar, partakes of the nature of
gambling, and should at all times be avoided.
Never finger the cards while they are being dealt,
nor take up any of them until all are dealt out, when
you may take your own cards and proceed to play.
In large assemblies, it is best to furnish the cards and
tables, and allow guests to play or not, at their option,
the host and hostess giving their assistance in seeking
for people disposed to play, and in making up a game.
In giving card parties, new cards should be provided on
every occasion .
Where there are several tables, husband and wife
should not play together at the same table, but when
they do play at the same table, it should be on opposite
sides.
Never violate the rules of the game, nor be guilty of
cheating. If, however, you detect another guilty of
either, you should point out the error in a quiet way,
or let it pass unnoticed.
Do not get excited or lose your temper at cards. It
is better to abstain from playing altogether than to
commit these breaches of good manriers.
Unless a person has religious scruples about playing
cards, it is desirable to have some knowledge of the
various games, in order to contribute to the amusement
of others, and not be subjected to the accusation of
being selfish and impolite.
The rules of etiquette concerning cards, apply equally
well to chess and other games of skill or chance.
26
 CHAPTER XXXV .

The Language of Flowers.

HERE is a sentiment attached to flowers
and this sentiment has been expressed in
language by giving names to various flowers,
slirubs and plants. These names constitute
a language which may be made the merlium of pleasant
and amusing interchange of thought between men and
women . A bouquet of flowers and leares may be se
lected and arranged so as to express much depth of
fecling, -to be truly a pocm . We prescat herewith a
iist of many flowers and plants, to which, by universal
consent, a sentiment has become attached.

Acacia - Concealed love.

Acacia , Rose, --Friendship .
Acanthus,-Arts.
Adonis Vernalis, -Bitter memories.
Agnus Casus - Coldness.
Agrimony,-- Thankfulness.
Almond . --Hope.
Aloe, -Superstition .
Althea --Con :umed by love .
Alyssum , Sweet, — Worth beyond beauty.
Amaranth , - Immortality.
Amaryllis,-Splendid beauty.
( 402 )
 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS . 403

Ambrosia - Love returned .

Anemone, -Expectation .
Anemone, Garden ,-Forsaken.
Angelica, - Inspiration.
Apocynum (Dogbane), - Inspiration .
Apple, - Temptation .
Apple Blossom.- Preference.
Arbor vitæ ,-Unchanging Friendship.
Arbutus, Trailing, - Welcome.
Arum ,-Ardor.
Ash ,-Grandeur.
Ash, Mountain , -Prudence.
Aspen Tree -Lamentation .
Asphodel, —Regrets beyond the grave.
Aurilica, - Avarice .
Azalea ,-Romance.
Bachelors Button ,-Hope in love.
Balm , -Sympathy.
Balm of Gilead, -Healing.
Balsam , -Impatience.
Barberry, -Sharpness, satire.
Basil. - Hatred.
Bay Leaf,-No change till death .
Beech , --Prosperity .
Bee Ophrys,-Error.
Bee Orchis, - Industry.
Bell Flower,-Gratitude.
Belvidere, Wild (Licorice), I declare against you .
Bilberry , —Treachery.
Birch Tree, - Meekness .
Black Bryony, —Be my support.
Bladder -Nut Tree,-Frivolous amusements.
Blue Bottle ,-Delicacy.
Borage , -- Bluntness.
Box , -Constancy.
Briers, - Envy.
Broken Straw,-Constancy.
Broom , -Neatness,
Buckbean,-Calm repose.
404 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.

Bugloss, -Falsehood.
Burdock ,-Importunity .
Buttercup, -Riches.
Cactus, - Thou learest me.
Calla Lilly , -Feminine Beauty.
Calycanthus - Benevolence.
Camelia, -Pity.
Camomile -- Energy in action.
Candytuft, —Indifference.
Canterbury Bell, -Gratitude.
Cape Jasmine Gardenia , - Transport, ecstasy.
Cardinal Flower , -Distinction .
Carnation, Yellow , - Disdain.
Catchfly, ( Silene ), Red , - Youthful love.
Catchfly, White , - I fall a victim .
Cedar, -Ilive for thee.
Cedar of Lebanon , -Incorruptible.
Celandine, -Future Joy.
Cherry Tree,--Good Education.
Chickweed -I cling to thee.
Chickory,-Frugality .
China Aster, -Iwill think of thee.
China, Pink , -- Aversion.
Chrysanthemum Rose , --In love.
Chrysanthemum , White,-Truth.
Chrysanthemum , Yellow , - Slighted love.
Cinquefoil, - Beloved child .
Clematis . - Artifice.
Clover, Red ,-Industry.
Coboea, -Gossip.
Coxcomb , -Foppery.
Colchium , -My best days flcd .
Coltsfoot, -Justice shall be done you.
Columbine,-Folly.
Columbine, Purple, -- Resolved to win .
Columbine, Red . - Anxions.
Convolvulus Major, - Dead Hope.
Convolvulus Minor, -Uncertainty.
Corchorus, -Impatience of happiness.
 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 405

Coreopsis , -Love at first sight.

Coriander ,-Hidden merit .
Corn , -Riches.
Cornelian Cherry Tree,-Durability.
Coronilla, -Success to you.
Cowslip, - Pensiveness.
Cowslip, American ,-My divinity.
Crocus, -Cheerfulness.
Crown Imperial , -Majesty .
Currants,-You please me.
Cypress,-Mourning
Cypress and Marigold , -Despair.
Daffodil , -Chivalry .
Dahlia , -Forever thine.
Daisy, Garden , - I share your feelings.
Daisy, Michaelmas, Farewell.
Daisy, Red , - Beauty unknown to possessor.
Daisy, White, - Innocence.
Daisy, Wild , I will think of it.
Dandelion , -Coquetry.
Daphne Mezereon, - I desire to please.
Daphne Odora.- I would not have you otherwise.
Deadleaves, -Sadness.
Diosma,-Usefulness.
Dittany,—Birth.
Dock, -Patience.
Dodder, - Meanness.
Dogwood Flowering (Cornus), -Am I indifferent to
you ?
Ebony,-Hypocrisy.
Eglantine,I- wound to heal.
Elder, - Compassion .
Elm , -Dignity .
Endine ,-Frugality.
Epigaea, Repeus (Mayflower,) — Budding Beauty,
Eupatorium , -Delay.
Evening Primrose, -Inconstancy..
Evergreen ,-Poverty.
Everlasting (Graphalium ,) - Never ceasing memory.
406 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.

Filbert, -Reconciliation .
Fir Tree, -- Elevation .
Flax, -Ifeel your kindness.
Flora's Bell , - Whoutpretension.
Flowermy Reed , -Confide in heaven .
Forget-me-not, - True love.
Foxglove, -Insincerity.
Fraxinelli , -Fire.
Fritillaria, (Guinea-hen Flower,) - Persecution.
Furze , -Anger.
Fuchsia, — The ambition of my lore thus plagues
itself.
Fuchsia , Scarlet - Taste .
Gardeniit , - Transport ; Ecstacy.
Gentian , Fringed ,-Intrinsic worth .
Geranium , Apple, --- Present preference.
Geranium , Ivy,—Your hand for next dance.
Geranium , Nutmeg .-- I expect a meeting.
Geranium , 0 :lk , - Lady, diign to smile .
Geranium , Rose, - Preference.
Geranium , Silver- leaf, -Recall.
Gillyflower , -Lasting beauty.
Gladiolus, - Ready armed .
Golden Rod , -Encouragement.
Gooseberry, -Anticipation .
Goosefoot, - Goodness.
Gorse, - Endearing affection .
Grape, -Charity.
Grass, -Utility.
Guelder Rose ( Snowball ,) - Winter.
Harebell,-Grief.
Hawthorn, -Hope.
Heart's Ease, - Think ofme.
Heart's E: 1se, Purple, -You occupy my thoughts.
Hazel, - Reconciliation .
Heath , -- Solitude.
Helenium ,-Tears.
Heliotrope, Peruvian, - I love ; devotion.
Hellebore, - Scandal.
 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS . 407

Honbane, -Blemish .
Hepatica,-Confidence .
Hibiscus, -Delicate Beauty.
Holly,-Foresight .
Hollyhock,-Fruitfulness .
Hollyhock, White , -Female ambition .
Honesty (Lunaria ,) — Sincerity.
Honeysuckle , - The bond of love.
Honeysuckle , Coral, - The color of my fate.
Honeysuckle, Monthly, - I wiil not answer hastily.
Hop, Injustice.
Hornbein , - Ornament.
llorse -Chestnut, -- Luxury.
House -Leek ,-Domestic Economy.
Houstonia , -Content.
Hoya ( Wax Plant, )-Sculpture.
Hyacinth , -- Jealousy.
Hyacinth , Blue - Constancy .
Hyacinth, Purpie,-Sorrow.
Hydrangea,-Heartlessness.
Ice Plant, – Your looks freeze me.
Indi:in Cress, -Resignation .
Ipomaca,-I attach myself to you.
Iris - Message.
Iris, German,-Flame.
Ivy,-Friendship ; matrimony.
Jessamine , Cape, Transient joy .
Jessamine, White,-Amiability .
Jessamine, Yellow , -Grace ; elegance.
Jonquil ,-Return my affection .
Judas-'Tree, -Betrayed.
Juniper -- Perfect Loveliness.
Kalmia (Mountain Laurel,) — Treachery.
Kennedia , -Intellectual beauty.
Laburnum , - Pensive Beauty .
Lady's Slipper , -Capricious beauty.
Lagerstroema (Cape Myrtle,) - Eloquence.
Lantana, -Rigor.
408 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.

Larch ,-Boldness.
Larkspur,-Fickleness.
Laurel, -Glory.
Laurestinus, - I die if neglected .
Lavender ,–Distrust.
Lemon Blossom ,-Discretion .
Lettuce,-Cold Hearted .
Lilac, -- First emotion of lore .
Lilac, White,-Youth .
Lily ,—Purity ; modesty.
Lily of the Valley,—Return of happiness.
Lily, Day, --Coquetry.
Lily, Water,-Eloquence.
Lily, Yellow ,-Falsehood.
Linden Tree, -Conjugal love.
Live Oak , -Liberty.
Liverwort - Confidence.
Locust, - Affection beyond the grave.
London Pride , -Frivolity.
Lotus,-Forgetful of thepast.
Love in a Mist,-You puzzle me.
-
Love Lies Bleeding,Hopeless, not heartless.
Lucerne ,-Life.
Lungwort (Pulmonaria ), — Thou art my life.
Lupine,-Imagination .
Lychnis - Religious Enthusiasm ,
Lythrum , -Pretension,
Madder,-Calumuy.
Maiden's Hair , - Discretion .
Magnolia, Chinese,-Love of Nature.
Magnolia, Grandiflora,-Peerless and proud.
Magnolia, Swamp ,-Perseverance.
Mallow , -Sweetness.
Mandrake , -- Horror.
Maple, -Reserve.
Marigold ,-Cruelty.
Marigold , African , _Vulgar-minded .
Marigold, French ,-Jealousy.
Marjoram , -Blushes.
 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 409

Marshmallow , -Beneficence.
Marvel of Peru (Four o'clock ,) - Timidity.
Meadow Saffron , My best days gone.
Meadow Sweet, -Usefulness.
Mignonette,-Your qualities surpass your charms.
Mimora ,-Sensitiveness.
Mint - Virtue.
Mistletoe-I surmount all difficulties.
Mock Orange (Syringia,) - Counterfeit.
Monkshood, -A deadly foe is near.
Moonwort , -Forgetfulness .
Morning Glory , -- Coquetry.
Moss, - Maternal love.
Motherwort, -Secret Love.
Mourning Bride (Scabious,) — Unfortunate attach .
ment
Mouse-ear Chickweed , -Simplicity.
Mulberry, Black , I will not survive you.
Mulberry, White , - Wisdom .
Mullein ,-Good nature.
Mushroom ,-Suspicion.
Mush Plant, - Weakness .
Mustard Seed, - Indifference.
Myosotis,-Forget me not.
Myrtle,-Love.
Narcissus, -Egotism.
Nasturtium , - Patriotism .
Nettle, -Cruelty ; Slander.
Night Blooming Cerens, -Transient Beauty.
Nightshade ,-Bitter truth.
Oak , -Hospitality.
Oats, -- Music.
Oleander, - Beware.
Orange, -- Generosity.
Orange Flower , -- Chastity.
Orchis, -Beauty.
Osier ,-Frankness.
Osmunda, -Dreams.
Pansy, -- Think of me.
410 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWRS.

Parsley ,-Entertainment.
Pasque Flower- Unpretentious .
Passion Flower, - Religious Fervor.
Peal, - Appointed meeting.
Pea, Everlasting, – Wiltgo with me ?
Pea, Sweet, --Departure .
Peach Blossum -
, My heart is thine.
Pear Tree, -- Affection .
Peony, -Anger.
Pennyroyal,-Flee away.
Periwinkle, -Sweet memories.
Persimmon , --Bury me amid nature's beauties.
Petunica, --Am not proud .
Pheasant's Eye, -Sorrowful memories.
Phlox , -- Our souls united.
Pimpernal,-Change.
Pine .-- ' Time .
Pine Apple, --You are perfect.
Pine, Spruce , -- Farewell.
Pink , -- Pure affection.
Pink , .Clove, -Dignity.
Pink , Double-red , --Pure, ardent love.
Pink, Indian , - Aversion .
Pink, Mountain , -You are aspiring.
Pink, Variegated --Refusal.
Pink, White, -- You are fair .
Pink , Yellow , -- Disdain .
Plane Tree , -- Genius.
Pleurisy Root (Asclopias,) — Heartache Cure.
Plum 'I'ree,--Keep promise.
Plum Tree, Wild , -- Independence.
Polyanthus , -- Confidence.
Poplar, Black .--- Courage.
Poplar, White , -Time.
Poppy , -- Consolation.
Poppy, White, -Sleep of the Heart.
Pomegranate. --Foolishness.
Pomegranate Flower, -Elegance.
 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 411

Potato - Beneficence.
Pride of China (Melia ,) - Dissension.
Primrose , -Early youth.
Primrose, Evening, -Inconstancy .
Privet, - Mildness.
Pumpkin ,.- Coarseness.
Quince, - Temptation .
Rugged Robm (Lychnis,) — Wit.
Rinunculus, - Radiant with charms.
Reeds. - Music.
Rhododendron , -Agitation.
Rose,- Beauty.
Rose, Austrian , -Thou art all that is lovely.
Rose, Bridal,-Happy Love.
Rose, Burgundy, - Unconscious beauty.
Rose, Cabbage,-Love's ambassador.
Rose, Campion , Only deserve my love.
Rose, Barolina, - Love is dangerous.
Rose, China ,-Grace.
Rose, Daily, —That smile I would aspire to.
Rose, Damask ,-Freshness.
Rose, Dog , - Pleasure and pain .
Rose Hundred Leaf,-Pride.
Rose, Inermis - Ingratitude.
Rose, Maiden's blush, - If you do love me, you will
find me out .
Rose, Moss,-Superior merit.
Rosebul, Moss , Confessed Love.
Rose, Multiflora ,-Grace.
Rose, Musk - cluster, - Charming .
Rose, Sweetbriar, - Sympathy.
Rose, Tea , -Always lovely.
R ise, Unique,-Cåll me not beautiful.
Rose, White ,-I am worthy of you.
Rose , White (withered ,) - Trausient impression.
Rose, Wild , -- Simplicity.
Rose , Yellow ,-Decrease of love .
Rose , York and Lancaster , - War,
Roscs, Garland of, -Reward of Virtue.
412 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.

Rosebud,-Young girl.
Rosebud, White, -The heart that knows not love.
Rosemary ,-Your presence revives me.
Rue, -- Disdain .
Rush, -Docility.
Saffron ,-Excess is dangerous.
Sage,-Esteem .
Sardonia , -Irony.
Satin - flower ( Lunaria ,) - Sincerity.
Scabeous, Mourning Bride, --Widowhood .
Sensitive Plant,-Timidity.
Service Tree ,-- Prudence.
Snapdragon,-Presumption.
Snowball, - Thoughts of heaven.
Snowdrop --Consolation .
Sorrel, -Wit ill- timed.
Southernwood , - Testing.
Spearmint,—Warm Feelings.
Speedwell, Nerevica , --Female Fidelity.
Spindle-tree, - Your image is engraven on my heart.
Star of Bethlehem , Reconciliation .
Startwort, American , - Welcome to a stranger.
St. John's Wort (Hypericu ',) -Superstition .
Stock , Ten -week , --Promptitude.
Stramonium , Common ,-Disguise.
Strawberry, -- Perfect excellence.
Strawberry Tree ( Arbutis, ) --Esteemed love.
Sumac, -- Splendor.
Sunflower, Dwarf,-Your devout admirer.
Sunflower , Fall -Pride.
Sweet Sultan , -- Felicity.
Sweet William ,-Artifice.
Sycamore, --Curiosity.
Syringia,-Memory.
Tansy , -- I declare against you.
Teasel - Misanthropy.
Thistle , -- Austerity.
Thorn Apple,-Deceitful charms.
Thorn , Black ,-Difficulty.
 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 413

Thorns, --Severity.
Thrift ,-Sympathy.
Throatwood (Pulmonaria ,) - Neglected beauty.
Thyme, -Activity.
Tiger Flower - Xay pride befriend thee.
Touch me not, Bulsam , -- Impatience.
Truffle - Surprise.
Trumpet Flower,-Separation.
Tuberose , -- Dangerous pleasures.
Tulip .-- Declaration of lore.
Tulip Tree, --Rural Happiness.
Tulip, Variegated , - Beautiful eyes.
Tulip, Yellow,-Hopeless love.
Turnip ,-Charity.
Valerian , -Accommodating disposition.
Venus's Flytrap, -- Caught at last.
Venus's Looking-glass ,-Flattery.
Verbena, -- Sensibility.
Vine, -Intoxicating.
Violet , Blue, -Love.
Violet, White,-Modesty.
Violet, Yellow , -- Modest worth .
Virgin's Bower,-Filial love.
Wall Flower, -Fidelity.
Walnut, -- Stratagem .
Weeping Willow , -Forsaken.
Wheat,-Prosperity .
Woodbine -Fraternal Love .
Wood Sorrel, -Joy.
Wormwood, -Absence.
Yarrow , -Cure for Heartache.
Yew , -- Sorrow .
Zennae , -Absent Friends.
 CHAPTER X X X VI.

Precious Slones.

ONE of the precious stones and gems hare

S been given a distinct significance by impart
ing a special meaning or name to them . The
ancients besides considered certain months
sacred to the different stones, and some people have
considered this in making birthday or wedding presents.
Below will be found the stones regarded as sacred to
the various months, with the meaning given to each.
January, --Garnet, -Constancy and Fidelity.
February , --Amethyst,-Sncerity .
March , — Bloodstone.-Courage.
April, -Sapphire, - Repentance.
May, -Emerald , -Success in love.
June , ---Agate, - Health and long life.
July, -Ruby, - Forgetfulness of. and exemption from
vexations caused by friendship and love.
August . -Sardonyx , -Conjugal Fidelity.
September. - Chrysolite- Freedom from evil passions
and sadness of mind .
October -Opal, - Hope and Faith .
November,-- Topaz, Fidelity and Friendship.
December, - Torquoise, --Prosperity.
( 414 )
 PRECIOUS STONES. +15

Of the precious stones not included in the above

list, the language is given below :
Diamond ,Innocence.
-
Pearl,-Purity.
Cornelian ,-Contented mind.
Moonstone, -Protects from danger.
Heliotropc, —Causing the owner to walk invisible.
 BJ
1852
BJ 1852.47 C.1 .Y7
Our deportment :
Stanford University Libraries

3 6105 035 401 749

STANFORD UNIVERSITY LIBRARIES

CECIL H. GREEN LIBRARY
STANFORD , CALIFORNIA 94305-6004
( 415 ) 723-1493

All books may be recalled after 7 days

19T9A9
DEC
DATE DUE

DOC ARR 2 7 1994 JUN 2000

oS si

201
APR
o

DDC JUL
s

090

|DOCDOI JUNI 8 2000

25 1995

MAR 199
OCT
1997

APR 2001
21
กวัก

1
MAR
49
200

MAY o
81998 MA
Y(p 2009
FEB 09 199
200