21/02/2021 How to Recognize Verbal Abuse and Bullying

RELATIONSHIPS VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

How to Recognize Verbal Abuse and Bullying

By Sherri Gordon Reviewed by Amy Morin, LCSW Updated on December 14, 2020

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Most people assume that if they were being verbally abused they would
know about it. After all, verbal abuse often involves yelling, put-downs,
name-calling, and belittling behaviors. But there is so much more to verbal
abuse than people realize. In fact, some people are verbally abused on a
regular basis without even recognizing that it’s happening.

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When someone is being verbally abused, the person attacking them may use
a combination of both overt forms of abuse like engaging in name-calling
and making threats but also more insidious methods like gaslighting or
constantly correcting, interrupting, putting down, and demeaning them.
Even prolonged silent treatment is a form of verbal abuse. When this
happens, the person is attempting to control and punish the victim by
refusing to talk to the other person.

For some people, especially those who either experience verbal abuse in the
home or experienced it as a child, it can often be overlooked because the
verbal assaults feel like a normal way to communicate. But they are
anything but normal and can have lasting consequences.

Defining Verbal Abuse and Bullying

Because verbal abuse isn’t as clear-cut as other forms of abuse and bullying,
like physical bullying and sexual bullying, it can be hard to identify. But that
doesn’t make it any less real.

Typically, verbal abuse involves some sort of verbal interaction that

causes a person emotional harm.

For instance, when someone is being downright critical, acting out in anger,
and using words to try to control another person, this is verbal abuse. This,
in turn, leaves a victim questioning who they are. In fact, it is not
uncommon for a victim of verbal abuse to feel inadequate, stupid, and
worthless. After all, they are being de ned by a verbally abusive person.

If verbal abuse occurs in a dating relationship, it can be particularly

confusing because the partner is likely not abusive all the time. As a result,
when the abuser is loving and gentle the victim can forget all the about the
negative behavior. Ultimately, the victim ends up ignoring the pattern of
verbal abuse or makes excuses for the behavior saying things like the abuser
is just stressed out or going through a tough time right now.

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The Effects of Verbal Abuse and Bullying

Just like any other form of abuse or bullying, verbal abuse has a lasting
impact on victims. Consequently, they can experience a host of issues,
including everything from anxiety and depression to even PTSD in severe
cases.

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A number of studies have shown that children who are verbally abused,
either at home or by their peers at school, are at a greater risk for
depression and anxiety as adults. [1]

Verbal abuse also can cause the victim to believe very negative things about
themselves, which in turn impacts their self-esteem. It also can impact
every element of their life, including their academic performance, their
other relationships, and their success at work later in life. In fact, when
verbal abuse is particularly severe it can impact whether or not people can
see themselves as being successful in any area of life. 

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Recognizing Verbal Abuse in Your Life

When it comes to physical bullying, cyberbullying, and sexual assault,
victims do not question whether or not they have been abused. These types
of abuse are obvious. But when it comes to verbal abuse, victims often
question whether or not what they are experiencing is truly abusive. They
also wonder whether or not it is a big deal.

Here are some signs that a family member, friend, peer, or dating partner is
verbally abusive.

They call you names. Anytime someone engages in name-calling this is a

form of verbal abuse. Even if the names are said in a neutral voice, this is
not acceptable treatment of another person.
They use words to shame you. Examples include critical, sarcastic, or
mocking words that are meant to put you down. These may be comments
about the way you dress, talk, or your intelligence. Basically, shaming is any
comment that makes you feel inferior or ashamed of who you are. 
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They make jokes at your expense. Typically, verbally abusive people will

make you the butt of their jokes. This can be done in private or in person.

But if you don't nd it funny, then it is not harmless fun. What's more,
verbally abusive people usually select jokes that attack an area where you
feel vulnerable or weak.
They humiliate you in public. When you are insulted in public by a peer, a
friend, a family member, or a dating partner, this can be particularly
painful.

The goal of the abuser is to control you by making you feel bad about
who you are.

They criticize you. Whether done in public or in private, criticism can be

painful particularly if the person doing the criticizing is simply being mean
and has no intention of being constructive. 
They yell, scream, or swear at you. Any time someone yells or curses at you,
this is a display of power and the goal is to control and intimidate you into
submission. As a result, it is abusive and should not be tolerated or excused. 
They make threats. No threat should ever be taken lightly. When people
make threats they are trying to control and manipulate you. Remember,
there is no better way to control someone than to make them fearful in
some way.

A Word From Verywell

Although the e ects of verbal abuse can be signi cant, there is still hope for
victims. In fact, once a person becomes able to recognize verbal abuse in
their lives, they can start making informed decisions about which
friendships and dating relationships are healthy and which are toxic, fake,
or abusive. They also can learn to stand up to verbal bullying. Remember,
verbal abuse doesn't have to leave a lasting impact. With intervention,
victims can overcome and cope with the bullying they have experienced. 

Related: How to Identify and Cope With Emotional Abuse

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Article Sources

RELATIONSHIPS
How to Recognize Digital Dating Abuse in Your Relationship
Reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS

HAPPINESS
'I Hate Myself': 8 Ways to Combat Self-Hatred
By Arlin Cuncic

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How to Identify and Cope With Emotional Abuse
Reviewed by Amy Morin, LCSW

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The Psychology of Cyberbullying
Fact checked by Adah Chung

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Understanding the Manipulative Behaviors Toxic People Use
to Control
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Fact checked by Adah Chung

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Why It's Important to Have High Self-Esteem
By Sarah Vanbuskirk

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Why Children of Alcoholics Can Be Frightened of Angry

People
Medically reviewed by John C. Umhau, MD, MPH, CPE

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How You Can Deal With Bullying in the Workplace
Reviewed by David Susman, PhD

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By Sherri Gordon

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Some Forms of Teasing Just Aren't Funny

Medically reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD

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Financial Abuse: Often the First Sign of Domestic Abuse
Medically reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD

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How Stonewalling Harms a Relationship
Medically reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD

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What You Need to Know if Your Partner Is an Introvert
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DEPRESSION
Cyberbullying and Depression in Children
Medically reviewed by Daniel B. Block, MD

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