Writings of Benjamin Franklin You Never Read in Schoolwy kor ay wero, eda a vt Fg Boke Roth Abe Bak bid Ente Pn, PO. Bo 27 Mare Ha Gg 0108 sn Fog Books Fg Books! peo ated onl at Boks POBox Devley, Cano LL aver dogs by Pats Notion Find the Unie States Ase ‘ut uss by he Sst rhe Sy Nabe Asad Se fe ncaa expan skin alae dev a0 ‘Rha an ocr vie aking ass Sie, xa ad mad rckscom. Fi 5 AB oe ep! tanec ban Data Pu grou bl by Calta TG“ TN- Chants. 2. Quoi, rca uve, Ca Tle PSr4aAsht aa wowed 50780 UW MALLOY 6 Ws OO Table of Contents Introduction — 7 ‘A Leter to a Royal Academy — 13 ‘The Speech of Miss Polly Baker — 18 “Alice Addertongue — 22 (On Choosing a Mistress — 27 ‘The Antediluvians Were All Very Sober — 29 ‘The Oath — 30 Fim Resolve — 30 Poor Richard On His Deafness — 31 Poor Richard On Fate — 31 Who's the Ass? — 32 ‘The Complaint — $3 Time To Lear — 33, How to Make a Striking Sundial — 34 Poor Richard — 36 ‘A Whimsical Cook — 42 ‘The Stonecutter — 43, ‘The Boo Bee — 44 A Cenain Constable — 45 ‘Transporting Ratte-snakes — 46 Rules on Making Oneself Disagreeable — 49 Anthony Afterwit — 51 A Later to His Sister, Jane — 55 Father Abraham — 58 ‘The Let Hand — 68 ‘The Mother Country — 70 ‘The Frenchman and the Poker — 71 ‘Three Fables — 73 ———————————‘A Cartoon — 74 AA Letter to his Son, Wiliam — 75 Rules by Which A Great Bmpire May Be Reduced — 77 ‘An Edict of the King of Prussia ~ 87 ‘Humbling Rebellious American Vassals — 93 "To A Friend in London — 96 ‘The King's Own Regulars — 97 Pesiion of the Leuer Z— 101 ‘The Grand Leap of the Whale — 103, ‘The Court of the Popular Press —~ 108 ‘The Encouragement of Idleness — 113 ‘The Dream — 118 Introduction Eesyone txor Bejan Frnln was one of he seat statesmen, scientists, and plilosopher of his time ‘A succes printer and publisher in Philadelphia, he retited from active busines in his fortes and spent the rest file serving his community and nation. He founded the Postal sjstem in this county, served as colonial agent to Great Britain for two decades, led the protest against taxation, helped draft the Declaration of Independence, served as ambassador to France during the Revolition,orga- nized America's fist inteligence network, and felped write the Gonstuton that stil governs this nation. As hard a it isto believe today, however, he was even ‘more famous in his time for his discoveries in the field of clecticiy-~advances that made it possible for Edson, Tes, and others to make the se of electricity praccal one hun dred years later, Iewas his immense populariy axa cients and philosopher in France that enabled him to serve #0 effectively as ambassador there and gain France's aid forthe ‘colonial cause, Frain was also an inveterate sinker, and — ma 7— is responsible for dozens of practical inventions fom bifocal Ienses 10 the Franklin stove. ‘Most ofthese facts about Franklin's life are ones we all hhad to learn in school. We may have also been exposed to some of his writings generally, his autobiography and some ‘quotes from Poor Richards Almanac which he fist published in 1733 and continued on through 1758. But there i side to Benjamin Franlin that we were not exposed to in School—for better or for worse, depending ‘upon your perspective, and quite likely, the degree of your prudery. Franklin brought into this fe a bawdy, searrous simension ofcharacter that was ll too eager to ignite the fires cof controversy and, once ignited, fan the flames until they ‘burned brightly enough to please him. It is doubt that Franklin thought of himself as either scandalous ot roguish. He would have insisted chat he just had a strong love for life and delighted in mixing chings up whenever possible. He wrote and published several outright hoaxes during his career—pieces with no basis whatever in reality—jus to see how quickly his readers would recognize the hoax. In many eases, most readers failed the test com> pletely. Healsoloved towrite satires. During his days as pub: lisher of The Powgyania Gage and Poor Rich's Alnanact, ‘most of is satire was directed at the domestic wials and wibu- lations of man and wife, and the foibles of society. As he became more involved in the colonia resistance to the rule of the crown, however, Franklin increasingly directed his satirical pen toward the pomposity ofthe English Pastiament and the ministers in charge of colonial affair. Fart Prouly isa testament to the satirical rogue that lived peaceably inside the philosopher and statesman, But itis ‘more than that as well; is a loving uibute tothe ideal of a free pres in this country. —_ ae ‘Once upon a time, two hundred years ago, people ike Benjamin Franklin could write openly about all ofthe burn- ing issues of their day, And when they wanted to express themselves pungently, because they were discussing an issue that offended ther sense of smell, they were not affid to use strong words such as “far.” ‘Today, “fieedom of the pres is only a nostalgic idea. It ‘sa freedom, of course, that is still guaranteed by the Con- stitution, Butts freedom in name only, because the ews- Papen, magazines, and broadcasting stations of our great nation have lost the courage to use this freedom, ‘They have allowed themselves to be censored, not by the government, bbutby the horrid specter of Social Conformity and Niceness, kis not nice to say “Yar” in publie-let alone actully let one iy. It might offend someone, I's also not nice to write about ideas any more, if those ideas might possibly offend someone. Whether or aot the ‘ideas contain any truth, is of no consequence; if some poor, downtrodden individual might be offended if an idea were pu in print or uttered over the airwaves, then it eannot be ‘writen or stated! ‘This past year, the government of Tran iasued a death sentence on an author who had the audacity ta write a book tildl critical of fundamentalist Islam. We all shuddered and rushed to condemn this obnoxious breach of freedam of the press, And yet the media i this country routinely refuse to let ideas that might offend our own special interest groups and minorities see the ight of day. ‘They don’t kill anyone, ‘of course—they jus fire them or blackball them, ‘The satires and songs included in this small book are not ust funny pieces writen two hundred years ago by someone of historical importance. Each s a direct indictmene of our “ree pres"—a silent statement that if Franklin had written _ a _ ootoday and trie to have it published, it would probably be censored, Not because we dislike satire, but because we dlisike controversy. We do not want to offend anyone any more, We want to be Polite, We want tobe Nice. Hell, we ‘even want Safe Sex ‘Benjamin Franklin was a man who loved controversy. If there wasn’t any, he would si it up. During the time he served as colonial agent, he was regarded by many people in England as “the most dangerous man in America” But do ‘we honor this side of Franklin? Do we revere Franklin the revolutionary—or Franklin the patriarchal hero? ‘This ie « question you can answer for yourself. Give ten of your closet friends this book as a present and ask them (0 readit, Two weeks later itshouldn' take thatlong, but some people in modem America have forgotten how to read), ask yout ten friends if they were exposed to any of these pieces in school, I will wager you that not a one of them was. It's the side of Benjamin Franklin that Modern America wants to keep hidden. ‘This book, however, is determined not 10 let this conspiracy succeed Ifwe are to preserve freedom inthis country, we cannot ford to think of Benjamin Franklin asa kindly, grandiather figure who went around saying, “A penny saved is a penny ‘eamed” We must recognize that a very important part of Franklin was his love of controversy and satire. This is what ‘made him so dangerous. ‘Above all, we cannot afford to think of Franklin as an antiseptic, prudish man, He was not. He was bawdy, roguih, and loved to play jokes on his friends. And when England grew oppressive, he was not afraid to rebel “Jost 20, when Nature called, he farted. ‘And he wasnt affaid 10 advocate that we do the same. ———— FART PROUDLYHe that is conscious of A Stink in his Breaches, is jealous of exeny Wrinkle in another's Nase Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanac, 1751 A Letter To A Royal Academy 1781 Eaters Nie: By th time Dr, Franklin wrote this pice, he was tea wily garded as nef he remedy, hanks snail to his remarkable ducer in he eld of elactriciy. He ws i eidey readin al of he atest cee orc and aan, nt lof cubich he read with rept. Thee were a eumberof ral sca dies of cece, parla, ht specilied more inthe ial mals of cece than the practical anes. Some of thom regularly el ests whi ir mbes were sole complex therecl problems, est ‘her sills and wt, The bs introduction otis frat piace of Franklin's stir ca be fos in hse wertigs, inthe fof lero Dr Richard Price in 1783, We wil art withthe appetizer, thn procedon othe end. Dear Sir: All the conversation here at present turns upon the Bal- looms filed with light inflammable Air..Jallammable Air pus me in mind ofa lite jocular paper I wrote some years since in ridicule of prize Question given out on this side of the Water, and I enclose i for your Amusement. On second SSThoughts, as itis a mathematical Question, and perhaps T think it more tring than i reall is, and you are a Mathe- matician, Iam afraid T have judged wrong in sending it to ‘you. Our fiend De. Piesley [the physicist J.B. Priestley], however, who is apt to give himself Airs, and has a kind of Right to everything his Friends Produce upon that Subject, ‘may perhaps ike to seit, and you can send itto im without reading it To the Royal Academy of Brusselles~ Gentlemen, Ihave perused your late mathematical Prize Question, proposed in lieu of one in Natural Philosophy, for the ensuing year, vi Urafigurequlconque dnd, on demande discrep grand nombre de fs pusile wre autre fre plas ait quelongu, quiet caus domi.” {Given any single figure, inscribe therein another smaller figure, which i also given, as many dimes as possible} 1 was glad to find by there following Words— VA a ugh que ctie dure, en tenant les ores de nas ‘omoisanes, ne serait pas son wild” (The academy has judged that chs discovery, by widening the boundaries of our knowl- ‘edge, will not be without uity}— —that you esteem Lily an essential Poin in your Enquiries, ‘which has not always been the case with all Academies; and I conclude therefore that you have given this Question instead of a philotophical, or as the Leamed express it, & —_—— physical one, because you could not atthe time think of a physical one tha promised greater Uy. Permit me then humbly to propose one of that sort for your consideration, and through you, if you approve it for the serous Enquiry of learsed Physicians, Chemists, et. of ‘his enlightened Age. tis universally wel known, That in digesting our com mon Food, thee is erated of produced in the Bowes of ‘human Creatures, a great Quantity of Wind. “That the pemitsing this Air to eacape and mix with the Aumosphere, i ually offensive tothe Company, from the fet Smell dat accompanies i. “That all well-bred People therefore, wo avid giving such Offence, foreibly restrain the Eiforts of Nature to discharge that Wind. ‘That so retained contrary to Nature, it not only gives frequently great present Pain, but occasions fature Diseases, such as habitual Cholics, Ruptures, Tympanies, &, often destractve of the Constitution, & sometimes of Lie isl Were it not for the ious offensive Smell accompaay= ing such Escapes, polite People would probably be under no more Restraint in discharging such Wind in Company, than {hey are in siting, oF in Blowing their Noses My Prize Question therefore should be, Te dir sme Drag ilsome nd nt disarecabl, to be mised tho cmon Fodor Sauces, hat shall rend Oe Nasal Discharges, of Weed rom eur Bods, ek only nafs, but areal a Pees. “That this isnot a ehimerical Project, and altogether inne possible, may appear from these Considerations. That we already have some Knowledge of Means capable of Varying ‘hat Smell, He that dines onsale Flesh, especially with puch Addition of Onion, shall be able to afford a Stink that no ‘Company can tolerate; while he that has ved fr some Time 5con Vegetables onl, shall Have that Breath so pure as tobe inensible tothe most delicate Noses; and ifhe can manage soso avoid the Repo, he may any where give Vento his (Grie6, unnosced. But as there are many to whom an ene Vegetable Diet would be inconvenient, and.as litle Quick- of fetid Air arising ffom the vast Mass of putrid Matter con- tained in such Places, and render it rather pleasing to the ‘Smell, who knows but that a litle Powder of Lime (or some ‘other thing equivalent) taken in our Food, or pehaps a Glass ‘of Limewater drank at Dinner, may have the same Eifect on the Air produced in and isuing from our Bowels? This is worth the Experiment, ‘Certain itis also that we have the Power of changing by slight Means the Smell of another Discharge, that of our ‘Water. A few Stems of Asparagus eaten, shal give our Urine a disagreeable Odour, and a Pill of Turpentine no bigger than a Pea, shall bestow on it the pleasing Smell of Violets. ‘And why should tbe thought more impossible in Nature, 0 find Means of making a Perfume of our Wind than of our Wate? For the Encouragement of this Enquiry (from the immor- tal Honour to be reasonably expected by the Inventor), let, itbe reasonably considered of how small Importance of Man- kind, or to how small a Part of Mankind have been useful those Discoveries in Science that have heretofore made Philosophers famous, Are there twenty Men in Europe at this Day, the bappier, o even the easier, forany Knowledge they have picked out of Aristotle? What Comfort can the Vortces| ‘of Descartes give ta Man who has Whirlwinds in his Bowel! ‘The Knowledge of Newton's Mutual traction ofthe Particles ‘of Matter, can it afford Ease to him who is racked by theit ‘mutual Répulion, andthe cruel Distensionsit occasions? The Pleasure arising to a few Philosophers, from seeing, a few ‘Times in their Life, the Threads of Light untwisted, and separated by the Newonian Prism into seven Colours, can ibe compared with the Ease and Comfort every Man living might feel seven times a Day, by discharging freely the Wind from his Bowels? Especially iit be convereed into a Perfume: For the Pleasures of one Sense being ite inferior to those of another, instead of pleasing the Sighs he might delight the Shull of those about him, & make Numbers happy, which to ‘a benevolent Mind must afford infinite Satisfaction. ‘The {generous Soul, who now endeavours to find out whether the Friends he entertains ike best Claret or Burgundy, Cham- ppagne or Madeira, would then enquire also whether they chose Musk or Lilly, Rose or Bergamot, and provide accordingly. And surely such a Liberty of Ex prassng one's Seeti-ments, and plasing one anita, is of infinitely more Im- portance 1o human Happiness thaa that Liberty ofthe Ps, fling net, whic he Engl are so ready fight & die for. In shor, this Invention, if ompleated, would be, as Bacon cexpressesit, rging Philp homeo Mer’: Busnss and Baions, ‘And I cannot but conclude, that in Comparison therewith, for anicosal and conta Utility, the Science ofthe Philoso- phers abovementioned, even with the Addition, Gentlemen, of your “Figure guage” and the Figuts inscribed init, are, all together, sarely worth a FARThing, I 16The Speech of Miss Polly Baker 1747 ‘A Hoax That Was Widely Reprinted As Actual Fact ‘The Speech of Miss Polly Baker, before a Court of Judicature, at Connecticut near Boston in New-Englands Where she was prosecuted the Fifth Time, for having a Bastard Child: Which influenced the Court to dispense with her Punishment, and induced one of her Judges to marry her the next Day. ‘May it please the Honourable Bench to indulge me in 4 few Words: am a poor unhappy Woman, who have no Money to fee Lawyers to plead for me, being hard put to it to get a tolerable Living. I shall not wouble your Honours with long Speeches; for have not the Presumption o expect, that you may, by any Means, be prevailed on to deviate ia your Sentence from the Law, in my Favour. AllT humbly hope is, That your Honours would charitably move the Govemor’s Gootiness on my Behalf, chat my Fine may be remitted. Tisisthe Fifth Time, Gentlemen, that Thave been dragged before your Gourton the same Account; twice Thave paid heavy Fines, and twice have been brought to Publick ee Punishment, for want of Money to pay those Fines, This may hhave been agreeable tothe Laws, and I don’t dispute iy but since Laws are sometimes unreasonable in themselves, and therefore repealed, and others bear toa hard on the Subject in particular Circumstances; and therefore there is left a Power somewhat to dispense with the Execution of then; I take the Liberty to say, Tha I think this Law, by which Lam Punished, is both unteasonable in itself, and particularly Severe with regard to me, who have always lived an in- offensive Life inthe Neighbourhood where I was bom, and defy my Enemies (| have any) wo say [ever wronged Man, Woman, or Child Abstracted from the Law, I cannot conceive (may it please your Honours) what the Nature of my Offence is, 1 have brought Five fine Children inta the World, atthe Risque ‘of my Life; Thave maintained them well by my ovn Industry, without burthening the Township, and would have done it better, it had not been forthe heavy Changes and Fines 1 have paid, Can itbe a Crime (in the Nature of Things I mean) to add to the Number of the King’s Subjects, in a new Country that realy wants People? I own it, I should think it a Praise-worthy, rather than a punishable Action, I have debauched no other Woman's Husband, nor enticed any Youth; these ‘Things I never was charged with, nor has any one the least Cause of Complaint against me, unless perhaps, the Minister, or justice, because I have had Children without being married, by which they have missed a Wedding Fee. Bu, can ever this be a Fault of mine? appeal to your Honours. You are pleased to allow 1 don't want Sense; but I must be stupified tothe last Degree, not to prefer the Honourable State of Wedlock, to the Condition Ihave lived in. I always was, anid sil am willing to enter into it, and doubt not my behaving well ini, having all the Industry, Frugality, Feraicy, and Skill in Economy, SSE Se= appertaining toa good Wife's Character. I defy any Person to say, ever refused an Offer ofthat Sort: On the contrary, realy consented tothe only Proposal of Marriage tat ever ‘was made me, which was when Iwasa Virgin; but too easly confiding in the Person's Sincerity that made it, unhappily fost my own Honour, by tasting to his; for he got me with Child, and then forsook me: That very Person you all now; hre iv now become a Magistrate of this Country; and I had Hopes he would have appeared this Day on the Bench, and hhave endeavoured ta maderate the Courtin my Favour; then, | should have scomed to have mentioned it, but I must now complain oft a8 unjust and unequal, That my Betrayer and ‘Undoes, the first Cause of all my faults and Miscariages Gf they must be deemed such) should be advanced to Honour land Powerin the Government, that punishes my Misfortunes ‘with Stipes and Infamy. T should be told, "is like, That were there no Act of Assembly in the Case, the Precepts of Religion are violated by my Tranegressons. If mine, then, is a celigious Orfence, leave ito religious Punishments, You have already excluded ‘me from the Comforts of your Church-Communion. Is not that sufficient? You believe I have offended Heaven, and ‘must suffer etema Fire: Will not that be sufficient? What [Need is these, then, of your addtional Fines and Whipping? Town, Ido not think as you do; for, IT thought what you eal a Sin, was really such, I could not presumptuously commit it. But, how can it be believed, that Heaven is angry ‘at my having Children, when tothe ite done by me towards it, God has been pleased to add his Divine Skill and admirable Workmanship in the Formation of their Bodies, and crowned it by furnishing thera with rational and im- mortal Souls, Forgive me, Gentlemen, if Tk a lie ‘extravagantly on these Matters; am no Divine, but if you, Gentlemen, must be making Laws, do not tum natural and —= useful Actions into Crimes, by your Prohibitions. But take {nto your wise Consideration, the great and growing Number of Batchelor in the Country, maay of whom fom the mean Fear of the Expences ofa Family, have never sincerely and hhonourably courted a Woman in their Lives; and by their Manner of Living, leave unproduced (which is lie benter than Muedet) Hundreds of their Posteri to the Thousand Generation, Is not this a greater Offence against the Publick Good, than mine? Compel them, then, by Law, either to Marriage, of t0 pay double the Fine of Forication every Year. ‘What must poor young Women do, whom Custom have forbid to solicit the Men, and Who cannot force themselves upon Husbands, when the Laws take no Care to provide them any; and yee severely punish them ifthey do theie Duty Without them; the Duty ofthe fist and great Command of Natuee, and of Nature's God, Eacwase and Multiply. A Duty, fom the steady Performance of which, nothing hasbeen able to deter me; but forts Sake, Ihave hazarded the Loss ofthe Publick Esteem, and have frequently endured Publick Dis- grace and Punishment; and therefore ought, in my humble (Opinion, instead of Whipping, to have a Statue erected to my Memory. as 20ve, and live at pres- cent with my Mother. have no Care upon my Head of getting a Living, and therefore find it my Dury as wells Inclination, to exercise my Talent at CENSURE, for the Good of my ‘Country folks. There was, I am told, a certain generous Emperor, who ifa Day had passed over his Head, in which hie had conferred no Benefit on any Man, used 10 say 10 his Friends, in Latin, Diem perdi thats, itscems, Face lat a Day. believe I should make use of the same Expression, ifit were posible fora Day to pass in which I had not, or missed, an ‘Opportunity to scandalize somebody: But, Thanks be praised, no such Misfortune has befell me these dozen Years. ‘Yet whatever Good I may do, T cannot pretend that 1 first entered into the Practice ofthis Virtue from a Principle ‘of Publick Spirit; for I remember that when a Child, I had «violent Inclination to be ever talking in my own Praise, and being continually told that it was ill Manners, and once severely whipt fot the confined Stream formed itselfa new Channel, and I began to speak for the future in the Dispraise ET ‘of others. This I found more agreeable to Company, and ale ‘most as much s0 to my self: For what great Diference can there be, between puting youre up, or puting your Neigh- ‘bour down? Scandal, like other Virwes, i in par its own Reveard, as it gives us the Satisfaction of making ourselves appear beter than others or others no better than ourselves, My Mother, good woman, and I, have heretofore dif fered upon this Account. he argued that Sandal spoilt all sso0d Conversation, and inssed that without it there could bbe no such Thing. Our Disputes once rose so high, that we parted Tea-Table, and I concluded o entertain my Acquain- tance inthe Kitchin. The first Day ofthis Separation we both drank Tea atthe same Time but she with her visitors the Parlor. She would not hear ofthe least Objection to any one’s Character, but begaa a new sort of Discourse in some such queer philosophical Manner as this; J am mighty pleased saratines, sys She, When Tobie ad oie thatthe Wl ‘at 0 bad as Pape ou of amour aging itt be, Theres smashing ‘anil some good Quaiy or or in ey body. If euro o pooh Peplethaare last pected thes sac ae is cep did to her Fath, and mebhinks has a fie Se of Ted such a one is ep especie hashand: such aone iste kind tah pow neighbours, nd besides has aver handsome hae: ch a one isa reads to see Frid, end in my Opinion thre is not « Wena Tan thathas amore agreeable Ai and Gait This fine kindof Tak which, lasted near half an Hour, she concluded by saying, do nat doubt but ey one oyu have made te ike Observations, and I seald be lad hae the Concerto contd pon Bs Subject Just at that Junctare I peeped in atthe Door, and never in my Life before saw such a Set of simple vacant Countenances they looked somehow neither glad, nor sorry, nor angry, nor pleased, norindiferent nor atentve;but, excuse the Simile) Ike so many blue wooden Images of ye Dough. I in the SSE = 2Kitchin had already begun a ridiculous Story of Mr.~—'s Intrigue with his Maid, and his Wife's Behaviour upon the Discovery; at some Pastages we laughed hearly, and one of the gravest of Mama's Company, without making any An- sswer to her Discourse, got up © ge and se shat th Gir crt onary about She was followed bya Second, and shor alter by a Third, il a last the old Gendewoman found herself quite alone, and being convinced that her Project was im practicable, came her self and fnished her Tea with us; ever Since which Saud alo has eon amg the Props, and our Dis- putes lie dormant By Industry and Application, Ihave made my self the (Center ofl the Scandal in the Province, there site stirring Dut I hear of it. I began the World with this Maxim, That no Trae cen subsist withut Reto, and accordingly, whenever 1 received a good story, I endeavoured to give two or a better inthe Room oft, My Punctuality in this Way of Dealing gave such Encouragement, tha it has procured me an incredible deal of Business, which without Diligence and good Method itwould be imposible for me to go through. For besides the Stock of Defamation thus naturally flowing in upon me, 1 practice an Art by which I can pump Scandal out of People that are the least enclined that way. Shall I discover my Secret? Yes; to let it ie with me would be inhuman, IT have never heutdillofsome Person, [always impute ito detective Intelligence for thee ae nore without thir Faults, ro noton.Ishe is a Woman, I take the frst Opportunity let all her Ace ‘quaintance know I have heard that one of the handsomest ‘or best Men in Town has said something in Praise either of| her Beauty, her Wit, her Virtue or her good Management. I you know any thing of Humane Nature, you perceive that s naturally introduces a Conversation turning upon aller Failings, past, present, and to come. To the same purpose, and with dhe same Succes, I cause every Man of Reputation to be praised before his Competitors in Love, Business, or Esteem on Account of any particular Qualification, Near the ‘Times of Eden if find it necesary, Toommend every Cane didate before some of the opposite Party, listening attentively to what is said ofhim in answer (But Commendations inthis latter Case are not always necessary and should be used judi cious) of late Years I needed only observe what they sid of one another freely; and having for the Help of Memory taken Account ofall Informations and Accusations received, whoever peruses my Writings after my Death, may happen to think, that during a cerain Term, the People of Penssyl- vania chose into all their Offices of Honour and Trust, the veries Knaves, Foolsand Rascals in the whole Province, The ‘Time of Election used to be a busy Time with me, bat this ‘Year, with Concern I speak it, People are grown so good natured, so intent upon mutual Feasting and friendly Entertainment, that I see no Prospect of much Employment from that Quarter, mentioned above, that without good Method I could ‘ot go thro’ nay Business In my Father's Lifetime I had some Instruction in Accompts, which I now apply with Advantage tomy own AMfsirs keep a regular Set of Books, and can tell at an Hour’s Waming how it stands berween me and the World. In my Day book T enter every Article of Defamation as iv is transacted; for Scandals reid in I give Credit; and ‘when I pay them out again, I make the Persons to whorn they respectively relate Debi, In my Jounal, I add to each Story by Way of Improvement, such probable Circumstances as 1 think it will bear, and in my Lager the whole is regularly posted, 1 suppose che Reader already condemns me in his Hear, for this particular of adding Cicurstenes but I justify i 2 — aoe SS that part of my Practice thus. "Tis a Principe with me, that ‘none ought to have a greater Share of Reputation than they really deserve; if they have, és an Imposition upon the Pub+ lick: I know it is every one’s Interest, and therefore believe they endeavour, to conceal all their Vices and Follies; and T hol, that those People are xtrardinar foolish or careless who sulfera Fourth oftheir Filings to come to publick Knowledge: ‘Taking then the common Prudence and Imprudence of Mankind in a Lump, I suppose none suffer above une Fh to bee discovered: Therefore when I hear of any Person's Mis- doing, I think I keep within Bounds if in relating it only ‘make it dare tines worse than it s,and I reserve to my self the Privilege of charging them with one Fault in four, which, for aught I know, they may be entirely innocent of. You see there are but few 0 careful of doing Justice as myself, what Reason then have Mankind 10 complain of Scandal? In a general way, the worst thats aid ofusis only half what might be said, if all our Faults were seen. ‘But alas, two great Evils have lately befallen me atthe same time; an extream Cold that I can scarce speak, and a riot terrible Toothache that I dare hardly open my Mouth: For some Days past have received ten Stories for one Ihave paid; and Iam notable to balance my Accounts without your ‘Assistance. I have long thought tha if you would make your Paper a Vehicle of Scandal, you would double the Number ‘of your Subscribers. send you herewith Account of 4 Knav- ish Tricks, 2 crackt Maidenhead 5 Cuckldoms, 3 dubbed Wives, and 4 Henpcced Hasbands all within this Fortnight; which you may, as Articles of News, deliver tothe Publick, and if my ‘Toothache continues, shall send you more; being, in the mean time, Your constant Reades, ALICE ADDERTONGUE aa On Choosing A Mistress 1745, My dear Friend, know of no Medicine fi to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, T dhink I should not ‘communicate it to you. Marriage isthe proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness, Your Rea- sons against entering nt it arpresen, appear tome not well” founded. ‘The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing i, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itsel, the being mariad sd std, Teis the Man and Woman wnited that make the ‘compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Sofiness, Sensbility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed inthe World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal, He resembles the odd Half ofa Pair of Scissors, If you get prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Pro- fession, with her good Economy, will bea Fornane sufficient, ‘But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat ry former Advice, that in all your Amours you should per old Women ts aung ones. You call his a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. ‘They are these: a 26 ae — 7 aeES 1. Because they have more Knowledge ofthe World and. their Minds are better stored with Observations, their Con- versation is more improving and more lastinly agreeable, "2 Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study tobe good. Tomaintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beaury by an Augmentation of Ul. ity, They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick, Thus they continue amiable, And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman whois not good Woman. 3, Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregu- larly produced may be attended with much Inconvenience, 4. Because through more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion, The Commerce wit them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation, And with regard to theirs, ifthe [Allair should happen to be known, considerate People might bbe rather inlined t excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Mauners by her good Gounels, and prevent his ruining his Heath and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes. 5, Because ia every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency ofthe Fluids that fil the Muscles appears first in the highest Par: The Face irt grows lank and wrinkled thea the Neck then the Breast and Arms; the lower Pars continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle eis imposible of two Women to know an old one from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure or comporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of improvement. es 6. Because the Sins les, The debauching a Virgin may bbe her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy. 7. Beeause the Compunction is less. The having made ' young Girl mixable may give you frequent biter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman hap. 8th and Lastly. ‘They are se gail! The Antediluvians Were All Very Sober ‘The Anteciluvians were all very sober For they had no Wine, and they brewed no October; ‘All wicked, bad Livers, on Mischief sill thinking, For there cant be good Living where there is not good Drinking, Dery dia. "Twas honest old Noah first planted the Vine, And mended his Morals by drinking its Wine; Hie jusly the drinking of Water decried; For he knew that all Mankind, by drinking it, died. Dery doa. From this Piece of History plainly we find ‘That Waters good nether for Body or Mind; ‘That Virtue and Safety in Wine-bibbing’s found While all that drink Water deserve 9 be drowned Dery dave. So For Safety and Honesty put the Glass round. . es 29 meeeThe Oath Luke, on his dying Bed, embraced his Wife, ‘And begged one Favour: Swear, my dearest Life, you love me, never more to wed, [Nor take a second Husband to your Bed. ‘Anne dropt a Tear. You know, my dear, says she, ‘Your least Desires have still been Laws to me; ‘But from this Oath, I beg you'd me excuse; For I'm already promised to Joh Hughes. Firm Resolve Some have learnt many Tricks of sly Evasion, Instead of Truth they use Equivocation, ‘And eke it out with mental Reservation, ‘Which isto good Men an Abomination. ‘Our Smith of late most wonderfully swore, ‘That whilst he breathed he would drink no more; But since, I know his Meaning, for I think He mesnt he would not breathe whilst he did drink, Poor Richard On His Deafness Deaf, giddy, helpleas, left alone, To all my Friends a Burthen grown, [No more I hear a great Church Bell, ‘Than if it cang out for my Knell: At Thunder now no more I sar, ‘Than at the whisp'tng of a Far. Nay, what's incredible, alack! Thardly hear my Bridgee's Clack. Poor Richard On Fate My sickly Spouse, with many a Sigh ‘Once told me—Dicky, I shall die T grieved, bur recollected straigh, "Twas bootless to contend with Fate So Resignation to Heaven's Will Prepared me for succeeding Ul; "Twas well c did for, on my Life, “Twas Heaven's Will to spare my Wile, — pote eee 3] eeeWho’s The Ass? Once on a Time it by Chance came to pass, ‘That a Man and his Son were leading an Ass. Gries a Passerby, Neighbor, you're shrewelly put tot, ‘To lead an Ass empty, and trudge it on foot. Nay, quoth the old Fellow, if Folk do so mind us Tl Cen climb the Ass, and Boy mount behind us But as they jogged on, they were laughed at and hissed, ‘What, 40 booby Lubbers on one sorry Beast! ‘This is such a Figure as never was known; "Tis a sign that the Ass is none of your ov. ‘Then down gets the Boy, and walks by the Side, ‘Till another cries, What, you old Foo! must you ride? ‘When you see the poor Child that’s weakly and young: Forced through thick and thin wo tradge it along, ‘Then down gees the Father, and up gets the Son; this cannot please them we ne'er shall have done. ‘They had not gone far, but a Woman eries out, © you young graceless Imp, you'll be hanged, no doubt ‘Must you ride an Ass, and your Father that’s grey £E’en foot i, and pick our the best of his Way? So now to please all they but one ‘Trick lack, ‘And that was to carry the Ass pickepack: But when that was tried, it appeared sach a Jest, 1K occasioned more Laughter by half than the rest ‘Thus he who'd please al, and their Good-liking gain, Shows a deal of Good-Nanure, but labors in vain. The Complaint ‘A Farmer once made a complaint to a Judge, My Bull i it please you, Sir, owing a Grudge, Belike to one of your good Worship’s Cattle, His slain him outright in a mortal Battle: TT sorry at heart because ofthe Action, ‘And want to know how must be made Satisfaction. Why, you must give me your Bul, that’s plain Says the Judge, or pay me the Price of the Slain But I have mistaken the Case, Sir, says John, ‘The dead Bul I talk of, and please you, ’s my own: ‘And your isthe Beast that the Mischief has done, ‘The Judge soon replies with a serious Face: Say you so? Then this Accident alters the case my dear, ‘The strangest pieve of News I heat! A Law, ‘Ss said, will quickly pas, ‘To purge the matrimonial Class; Cuckolds, if any such we have here Must to a Man be thrown i th’ River, She smiling cried, My dear, you seem Sunprized! ray, hat you lamad to sin? = 3A Striking Sundial 1757 Hoo mae Sing Susi y whic nt oly 4 Man's ov Fan, bor al he Negba fren il found, may know what otlock it when te Sun hie, ‘hoe ing the Dil ‘Choose anopen Place in your Yard or Garden, onwhich the Sun may shine all Day without any Impediment from ‘Trees or Buildings. On the Ground mark out your Hour Lines as for a horizontal Dial, according to Ar, taking Room ‘enough for the Guns. On the Line for One o'Glock, place one ‘Gun; on the Two o'Glock Line «wo Guns, and so of the rest. ‘The Guns must all be charged with Powder, but Ball is une necessary. Your Gaomon or Style must have twelve burning ‘Glasses annexed toit,andbe so placed as cha the Sun shining through the Glasses, one after the othe, shall case the Focus ‘or burning Spot to fall onthe Hour Line of One for Example, atone a Clock, and there kindle a Train of Gunpowder that shall fre one Gun, At Two a Clock, a Focus shal fll on the Hour Line of Two, and kindle another Train that shall is- charge two Guns successively; and so ofthe rest. ss Not, Thee mst be 78 Guns in al. Tino Pounder wil be ao as Ue bt 18 Pounders yo, and late awl a ls Ponder, for ine Pound OF Poder wi do for one Charge ech eigen Pounder, wires he Thiy-na Puntos wel gure ee Gun 16 Pounds. a an * Nat io, Tha he chit Expenc il be the Powder, forthe Canon once bough wl wh Care a 00 Yea, Note moreover, That her al bx Sing Poor inclu) Dae Kind Reade, Methinks hear hee ay, Tha sind 4 yd Thing leh Tie a,b snd fi itn eed Seg, en cy ep ia Git gat etn Tou ave my Pe tte scone treand ame as ett ae und Outs mich i hey had made Dal ad we it eval such ara hat many a pte and many bet Pej, tr es Sig Da reat Gov fe Pot ee 5 Se=< Poor Richard's Almanack Eeier's Nets Franklin ete and published Poor Richard's Almanac, fom 1733 hough 1758, when he tamud iter tis (partir, David Hall. He started wack almanac with an into ia, the fot eof which oe eprint ne. It shld Oe werd that Richard Sounders was a fettious charact—elthoagh Praklin booted his name from an English alge who had fed in the resis cmtury—as was Titan Leads and al thar “pilomaths” cho twee ising almanacs, Announcing the death of hs principal con peter i nt oly good example of Fantn's wit and sai, but ‘ise fis usiness acumen, fr his alana quickly bacame te most scars one in Pomona, 1733 Courteous Reader, might inthis place atempe to gain thy Favour, by de laring that I write Almanacks with no other View than that ofthe publick Good; but inthis I should not be sincere; and Men are now avdays 100 wise to be deceived by Pretences hhow specious soever. The plain Truth of the Matter is, lam ‘excessive poor, and my Wife, good Woman, is, I tell her, ex- cessive proud; the cannot bea, she says, to sitspinning in her Shift of Tow, while I do nothing but guze atthe Stars; and hhas dhreatened more than once to burn all my Books snd ‘Ratting- Traps (as she calls my Instruments if do not make some profitable Use of them for the good of my Family. The Printer has offered me some considerable share of the Profits, and I have thus begun to comply with my Dame’s desire, Indeed this Motive would have had Force enough to shave made me publish an Almanack many Years since, had itnot been overpowered by my Regard for my good Friend and Fellow-Student, Mr. Tian Leeds, whose Interest I was exteeamly unwiling to hurt: But this Obstacle Lam far from speaking it with Pleasure) is soon to be removed, since inexorable Death, who was never known to respect Ment, thas already prepared the mortal Dart, the fatal Sister has already extended her destroying Shears and that ingenious “Maan must soon be taken from us. He dies, by my Calculation made at his Request, on Oct, 17. 1733. 3 ho. 29 m. PAL at the very instant ofthe conjunction of the Sun and Mercury: Byhis own Calculation he will survive il the 26th ofthe same Month, This small difference between us we have disputed whenever we have met these 9 Years past; but at length he isinclinable to agree with my Judgment; Which of us is most cxact, litle time will now determine, As therefore these Provinces may not longer expect to see any of his Performn= ances after this year, I think my self ree to take up the Task, ‘and request a share of the publick Encouragement; which I ‘am the more apt to hope for on this Account, thatthe Buyer ‘of my Alimanack may consider himself, not only as purchas- ing an wseful Utensil, but as performing an Act of Chacity, to his poor Friend and Servant, Richard Saunders. — 36 ——— =ee = —— 1734 Courteous Readers, ‘Your kind and charitable Assistance last Year, in pur- chasing s0 large an Impression of my Almanacks, has made my Circumstances much more easy in the World, and requires my grateful Acknovledgment. My Wife has been enabled to get a Pot of her own, and is no longer obliged to borrow one from a Neighbour, nor have we ever since been ‘without something of our own to put init, She has also got 4 pair of Shoes, two new Shifts, and a new warm Pentcoat, ‘and for my par, [have bought a second-hand Coat, s0 good, that I am now not ashamed to go to Town or be seen there. ‘These Things have rendered her Temper so much more ppacifick than it used t be, that I may say, Ihave lept more, ‘and more quiedy within this last Year, than inthe three fore- joing Years put together. Accept my hearty Thanks therefor, land my sincere Wishes for your Health and Prosperity Tn the Preface to my last Almanack, I foretold the Death ‘of my dear old Friend and Fellow-Seadent, the earned and ingenious Mr. ite Lads, which was tobe on the 17th of Oar bq, 1733, 3h, 29 m. P.M, atthe very Instant ofthe conjunc: tion ofthe Sun and Mercury. By his own Calculation he was to survive tl the 26th ofthe same Month, and expire in the ‘Time of the Eclipse, near I] a clock, AM. Atwhich of these “Titnes he died, or whether he be rally yet dead, I cannot at ‘this present Writing positively assure my Readers; forasmuch asa Disorder in my own Family demanded my Presence, and ‘Would not permit me a I had intended, to be with him in his last Moments to receive his last Embrace, to lose his Eyes, ‘and do the Duty of a Friend in performing the last Offices to the Departed, Therefore itis that I cannot posively affirm ‘whether he be dead or not; for the Stars only show 10 the Skilful, what will happen in the natural and universal Chain ee 3B of Causes and Eifects; but "tis well known, that the Events ‘which would otherwise certainly happen at certain Times in the Course of Nature, are sometimes set aside or postponed for wise and good Reasons, by the immediate particular Dis- positions of Providence; which particular Dispositions the Stars can by no Means discover of foreshow. There i how- ever, (and T cannot speak it without Sorrow) there ie the strongest Probability that my dear Friend is no mar for there appears in his Name, as Iam assured, an Almanack forthe ‘Year 1734, in which Tam treated in a very gross and unhand- some Mannessin which Iam called a fe Predict, an Igor, «conceited Sober, Fl, and a Lyar. Mr. Leads was too well bred to use any Man so indecently and so seurlously, and more- ‘over his Esteem and Affection for me was extraordinary. So that it isto be feared, that Pamphlet may be only a Con- trivance of some body or other, who hopes perhaps to sll wo or three Year's Almanacs sil, by the sole Force and Virtue of Mr. Leads Name; but certainly, to put Words into the ‘Mouth of a Gentleman and a Man of Leners, against his Friend, which the meanest and most scandalous ofthe People ‘might be ashamed t utter even in a drunken Quarrel, is an ‘unpardonable Injury to his Memory, and an Imposition pon the Publick ___Mr. Laeds was not only profoundly skill in the use Science he profesed, but he was a Man of exemplary Sibi, 4 most sincere Friend, and an exact Paporme of is Word. These valuable Qualifications, with many others, so much endeared him tome, that although it should be so, that, contrary to all Probabilcy, contrary © my Prediction and his own, he might possibly be yet alive, yet my Loss of Honour as a Prognos- ‘icator, cannot afford me so much Mortification, as hie Life, Health and Safety would give me Joy and Satisfaction, Iam, Courteous and kind Reade, your por Find and Sect, R, SAUNDERS SS 81735 Courteous Reader, ‘This the third Time of my appearing in print, hitherco very much to my own Satisfaction, and, 1 have reason to hhope, o the Satisfaction ofthe Publick also; for the Publick is generous, and has been very charitable and good to me. T should be ungrateful then, iT did not take every Oppor- tunity of expressing my Gratitude; for igratum sides, omnia der: I therefore reeurn the Publick my most humble and hearty Thanks. Whatever may be the Musick of the Spheres, how great soever the Harmony of the Star, ts certain there is no Hax- ‘mony among the Stargazer; but they are perpetually growl- ing and snarling a one another like strange Gurs o ike some Men at their Wives: I had resolved to keep the Peace on my ‘own part and affront none of them; an I shal persist in that Resolution: But having received much Abuse from Titan Leeds deceased, (Titan Leeds when living would not have used me sof) I say, having received much Abuse from the Ghost of Titan Leeds, who pretends to be sil living, and to write Almanacks in pight of me and my Prediedons cannot help saying, that tho Itake itpatiendy, take it very unkind. ‘And whatever he may pretend, ts undoubtedly true that he is really defunct and dead, First because the Starsare seldom disappointed, never but in the Case of wise Men, Sapiens tdminabit ests, and they fore-showed his Death atthe Time I predicted it, Secondly, "Twas requisite and necessary he should die punctualy at that Time for the Honour of Astro- logy, the Art professed both by him and his Father before him, Thirdly, "Tis plain to every one tha reads his two last “Almanacks (for 1734 and 35) tha they are not written with that Lié his Performances used to be written with the Wit is low and flat, the litle Hints dull and spiritess, nothing Oo — Se smart in them but Hudibras's Verses against Astrology atthe Heads of the Months in the last, which no Astrologer but a stad one would have inserted, and no Man ibing would or ‘could write such Seuff a the rest But lastly I shall convince him from his own Words, that he is dead, (xo so nade: ‘atu ct for in his Preface to is Almanack for 1734, he says, “Saunders adds another GROSS FALSEHOOD jn his Almanack, viz that by my own Calculation Isball une unit the 26th ofthe said Month October 1733, which i as we asthe former.” Now ifthe, as Leeds says, wxrue and a gross Faluivod that he survived sl the 26th of October 1733, then iis certainly ne that he died bye that Time: And ithe died before that Time, hes dead now, tall Intents and Purposes, any thing he may say to the contrary notwithstanding. And at what Time before the 26th is itso likely he should die, as atthe Time by me predicied, vie. the 17th of October afore- said? But if some People wil walk and be woublesome after Death, it may perhaps be born with a litle, because it cannot elle avoided unless one would beat the Pains and Expence of laying them in the Red Sea; however, they should not presume too much upon the Liberty allowed them I know Confinement must needs be mighty irksome othe fee Sprit of an Astronomer, and I am too compassionate to proceed suddenly to Extremities with i nevertheless, tho’ I resolve with Reluctance, I shall ot long defer, iit doesnot speedily Jeans to treat its living Friends with better Manners, Iara, Courteous Reader, Your obliged Friend and Servant, R. SAUNDERS iA Whimsical Cook Poor Richard’s Almanack, 1748 (On the 19th ofthis Month anuary), Anno 1493, was ‘bom the famous Astronomer Copernicus, .o whom we owe the Invention, or rather the Revival (it being taught by Pythagoras near 2000 Years before) of that now generally received System of the World which bears his Name, and ‘supposes the Sun in the Center, this Barth a lanet revolving round it in 365 Days, 6 Hours, &c. and that Day and Night fare caused by the Tuming of the Earth on its own Axis once round in 24h. &e. “The Prolomean System, which prevailed before Coper- nieus, sspposed the Ear .o be fixed, and that the Sun went round it daily. Mr. Whitson, a modera Astronomer, say, the ‘Sun is 230,000 times bigger than the Earth, and 81 Millions of Miles distant from it: That vast Body must then have ‘moved more than 480 Millions of Miles in 24h. A prodigious Journey round this lle Spot How much more narural is “Copernicus Scheme! Ptolemy is compared to a whimsical ‘Cook, who, instead of Turing his meat in Roasting, should fix That, and contrive to have his whole Fire, Kitchen and al, whirling continually ound it. The Stonecutter The Pennsylvania Gazette, 1731 _ Friday Night lst, a certain Stonecutter was, it seems in afar way of dying the Death of a Nobleman: for being caught ‘Napping with another Man's Wife, the injured Husband took the Advantage ofhisbeing fastaslep, and with a Knife began ery gen toca of his Head. Bur te Tnrument ot ving equal to the intended Operation, much strugelin prevented Suces and he wa obliged to content mse for the present with bestowing on the Aggresor a sound Drub- bing. The Gap made in the Side ofthe Stonecutter’s Neck, tho’ deep, isnot thought dangerous; but some People admire, that when the Person offended had so fair and suitable an ‘Opportunity it id not enter into his Head to rurn Stonecut- ter himself, 2 —_——The Boo Bee The Pennsylvania Gazette, 1731 ‘Thursday lat, a certain Printer [6s not customary to give Names at length on these Occasions} walking carefully in clean Cloaths over some Barrels of Tar on Carpeater’s Wharf, the head of one of them unlucily gave way, and let ‘a Leg of him in above his Knee. Whether he was upon the Catch at that dime, we cannot say, but 'ts certain he caught 4 Tartar. “Twas observed he spring out again right briskly, verifying the common Saying, As ninbleas a Bee ina Tarbarel. ‘You must know there are several sorts of Bea's truc he was no Honey Bas, nor yet a Hamble Bu, but a Boo be he may be allowed to be, namely BL. NB. He hope the Getlaman will xase tis Fredo A Certain Constable The Pennsylvania Gazette, 1731 Sure some unauspicious cros-grained Planet, in Oppo- sition to Venus, presides over the Affairs of Love about this ‘Time. For we hear, that on Tuesday as, a certain Constable hhaving made an Agreement witha neighbouring Female, to Wash with her that Night; she promised to leave a Window ‘open for im to come in at; but he going his Rounds in the lark, unlucily mistook the Window, and got into a Room where another Woman wasin bed, and her Husbandit seems lying on a Couch not far distant. ‘The good Woman per- cziving presently that it could not possibly be her Husband, made 30 much Disturbance as to wake the good Man; who finding somebody had got into his Place without his Leave, ‘began tolay about him unmercifully; and twas though, that hhad not out poor mistaken Galant, called out manfully for Help (as if he were commanding Assistance in the King’s ‘Name and thereby raised the Family, he would have stood no more Chance for his Life between the Wife and Husband, than a captive Louse between two Thumb Naila! Transporting Rattle-Snakes 1751 Ba vasageinone ot yout ate Paper, Lundertand chat te Government at home wil not afer our mistaken ‘Auembes to make any Law fr provening or couraging the Importation of Conve fom Great Beal, fr thinking Keay Thatch La a ote BEA ii iy ed fe pe he IMPROVEMENT ond WELL PEOPLING ft Coli’ Sach a tender penal Concer in our Mae Cot for the Hf of her Children, alls a fo he highest Re- turmsof Grattade and Duty Thisevery one mst be sensible of But ‘sad chat in ur present Cramstances tis absor Taelyimponibl for uso make cha are adequate 1 the Favour T oem i but novel let us do our Endesvou. “Ts vometing to show grate Dipin, In some ofthe anhabited Pars of thee Provinces here are Numbers ofthese venomous Repteswe cll ae Stake; Faonsconict from the Bepianing of he Worl: “These, whenever we mest with them, we pat to Death by Vie of an ot Law, The hal ae i Ha: Buta isis 2 anginay Law and may sem oo col ad as however SS 6 eee ‘mischievous those Creatures are with us, they may possibly change their Natures, if they were to change the Climate; I would humbly propose that this general Sentence of Death bbe changed for Transporation, In the Spring of the Year, when they fist creep out of their Holes, they are feeble, heavy slow, and easly taken; and i'a small Bounty were allowed fer Head, some Thousaads might be collected annually, and ranportd to Britain, There 1 would propose to have them carefully distributed in Sk Fame’s Pak ithe Sprig- Gardens and other Places of Pleasure labour Loudn; in the Gardens ofall the Nobility and Gentry throughout the Nation; but particulary in the Gardens of the Prine Ministes, the Lars of Trade and Menbers of Parkamens for 10 them we are most partalarly obliged, ‘There is no human Scheme so perfect, but some Incoa- veniencies may be objected o it: Yet when the Convenien cies far exceed, the Scheme is judged Operational, and fit to bbe executed. Thus Inconveniencies have been objected to Uhat good and wie Act of Parliament, by virtue of which all the Negus and Duagevns in Brien are emptied into the Colonies. It has been said, that these Thieves and Vilains ‘introduced among us, spoil the Morals of Youth in the Neigh- bbourhoods that entertain them, and perpetrate many horrid Crimes: But let not gral Idoets obstruct publick Usp. Our Mother knows what is best for us, What it litle Houserahing, Shupifing, or High Robbigs what is a Son now and then ‘corpied and hanged, a Daughter debauched and posed, a Wie abbel a Husband's Tioaeu or a Child's Brac beat ot with an Axe, compared with this IMPROVEMENT and WELL PEOPLING of the Colonies! ‘Thus it ay perhaps be objected to my Scheme, that the ate Saat isa mischievous Creature, and that his changing his Naru with the Cime isa mere Suppostin, not yet con- ee 7a firmed by sulcent Facts, What then? Is not Example more prevalent than Precepe? And may not the honest rough Bridsh Gentry, by a Familiarity with these Reps, lem rip, ad 0 iat, ant sae, and to wriggle into Pace {and perhaps to poion suchas stand in their Way)-—-Qualities, of no small Advantage to Courier! In comparison of which “Improvement and Publick Ui,’ what is @ Qhild now and then killed by their venomous Bite—or even a favourite Lap- Dag 1 would only add, That this Exporting of Felons to the Colonies, may be considered asa Trad, aswell asin the Light ‘of a Fanur. Now all Commerce implies Retwns: Justice re- quires them: There can be no Trade without them. And Ratde-Snakes som the mat stable Reus for the Finan Sepent sent us by our Mother Country. fn tis, however, as in every ather Branch of Trad, she will have the Advantage cfu. She wil eapepual Benefits without equal Risque ofthe inconveniencies and Dangers. For the Raitl-Snake gives ‘Waring before he attempts his Mischief, which the Convict does not. AMERICANUS, Rules for Making Oneself A Disagreeable Companion 1750 RULES, by the Oburcation of wich, « Mon of Wit sand Leaming, may nonthclss make himself dsagree- able Canpantin ‘Your Businessis to shin therefore you must by all means Prevent the shining of others, for thelr Brightness may make ‘Yours the les distinguished. To this End 1. If posible engross the whole Discourse; and when. ‘ther Matter fils, talk much of yourself, your Education, your Knowledge, your Circumstances, your Successes it Busines, your Vietories in Disputes, your own wise Sayings and Observations on particular Occasions, &e, &c. &, 2. Ifwhen you are out of Breath, one af the Company should seize the Opportunity of saying something; watch his Words, and, if posible, find somewhat either in his Senti- ‘ment or Expression, immediately to contradict and raise 4 Dispute upon. Rather than fal, eiticise even his Grammar. 3. If another should be saying an indisputably good ‘Thing; either give no Attention to it; oF interrupt him; or ee 1)——— draw away the Atention of others; of if you can guess what Ihe would be a, be quick and say i before him; or, iPhe gets it suid, and you perceive the Company pleased with it, own itobea good'Thing, and withal zemarktharit had been said bby Bacon, Locke, Bayle oF some other eminent Writer; thus you deprive him of the Reputation he might have gained by it, and guin some yourself, as you hereby show your great Reat- ing and Memory. 4. When niodest Men have been thus treated by you a fewtimes, they will choose ever afer to besilentin your Gom- pany; then you may shine on without Fear ofa Rival rallying ‘em atthe same tte fr their Dallnes, which will be to you anew Fund of Wit “Thus you will be sure to please yours The polite Man aims at pleasing oth but you shall go beyond him even in that, A Man can be present only in one Company, but may at the same time be absent in twenty. He ean please only Where he is, you wherever you are not. Anthony Afterwit 1732 Tors honest Vadsnan, who never meant Hare toany Body My As wen on sot whles Buchel Dutofite have met With ome Dies, of which Tate the Freedom ove you an Account About he Tine fin aden my present Spouse, her athe gave oot in Sperches hat I she mared tM hiked woul give with her £20 on he Day of Mar age. Titre never ido rome bt eavajeceed tne very kindy ahs Hone, and openly coutenanced my Gourip. armed srl ine Scheme, what 0 do wih Oise £200 and in some Marre elected my Bases fon thatAcount But uc cameo pass ta hen te G18 Germans {wa prety wel engage, an thatthe Math var oor gnete ean bok of ey without any Reason gen grew very ang bid me te House, and tld his Daughter tai he aed nh won oe her Farthing. However he rsa we were ot tobe Asappoimedin hat Manner ba haing ole Wedding to er hme tomy Howe where we were atin quite so —‘poor a Condition asthe Couple described inthe Scotch Song, who had Neer Pot nor Pan, ‘But fur bare Leg tg; for Lhad a House tolerably furnished, for an ordinary Man, before, No thanks to Dad, who [understand was very much pleased with his plitck Management. And I have since leamed that there aze old Curmudgeons (called) besides ‘him, who have this Trick, to marry their Daughters and yet keep what they might well spare til they can keep it no longer: But this by way of Digression; A Word tthe Wie i noah 1 soon saw that with Care and Industry we might live tolerably easy, and in Credit with our Neighbours: But ey Wife had a strong Inclination tbe a Gentewoman. In Gon- Sequence of this, my old-fashioned Looking-Glass was one Day broke a8 she said, No Moral auld ll hich way. However, since we could not be without a Glas inthe Room, My Dea, says she, we maya wl ay a lg fashionable One ht Mr. Suche arone has tl lat but ite more than amon Gls, and il beach andamer and mae cadable Accordingly the Glass ‘was bought, and hung against the Wall: Butin a Week’ time, Twas made sensible by litle and itl, sat he Table eas by m0 Means atl ts uh a Glace And a more proper Table being procured, My Spouse, who was an excellent Contsver, ine ormed me where we might have very handsome Chairs ia ‘he Wo And thus, by Degrees, found all my old Furniture stowed up into the Garret, and everything below altered for the beter. Had We stopped here, we might have done well ‘enough bur my Wife being entertained with Teaby the Good ———ae 52 aE ‘Women she visited, we could do no less than the like when they visited us; and so we got a Tea-Tabl with alts Appur- tenanoes of China and Site, Then my Spouse unfortunately ‘overworked herself in washing the House, 3 that we could do no longer without a Maid. Besides ths, it happened fre- quently, that when I came home at Ong, the Dinner was but just putin the Po for, my Dear ought aly it had ben but Elen: ‘Atother Times when Icame at the same Hour, Se wondered woul ty 30 long, fr Dine was ready and had waited for me thee fa hows. These Irregularities, occasioned by mistaking the ‘Time, convinced me, that it was absolutely necessary t0 by 1 Clack which my Spouse observed, wae «great Omament the ‘Room! And lastly, to my Grief she was frequently troubled with some Ailment or other, and nothing did her so much Good as Ridings And the Haciug Horses were such urehd aly Greanares, that—1 bought a very ine pacing Mare, which cost £20, And hereabouts Affairs have stood for some Months past. could sc all along, that this Way of Living was uterly inconsistent with my Circumstances, but had not Resolution enough to help it, Till lately, receiving a very severe Dun, ‘which mentioned the next Court, I began in eamestto prov ject Relief. Last Monday my Dear went over the River, to see 4 Relation, and stay a Fortnight, because she culd not ea the Heat of be Teas. Inthe Interim, Thave takers my Tur to make Alterations, viz. have tumed away the Maid, Bag and Bag- ‘gage (for what should we do with a Maid, who have (except ‘my Boy) none but ourselves). I have sold the fine Pacing Mare, and bought a good Milch Cow, with £3 ofthe Money. Thave disposed of the Tea Table, and puta Spinning Wheel {nies Place, which methinks ls te pray: Nine empty Cani- sera I have stlfed with Flax; and with some of the Money of the Tea-Furninure, I have bought a Set of Knitting- ee 5) Sea Needles for to tell you a Truth, which f would have go 90 farther, [begin to want Suckigs, The stately Clock Ihave trans- formed into an Hour-Glas, by which I gained a good round ‘Sum: and one ofthe Peces ofthe old Looking Glass squared and framed, supplies the Place of the Great One, which T hhave conveyed into a Closet, where it may possibly remain some Years. In short, the Face of Things is quite changed; ‘and I am mightily pleased when I look at my Hour-Glass, what an Omament itis the Room. Uhave paid my Debts, and find Money in my Pocket. I expect my Dame home next Fri- day, and as your Paper is taken in at the House where she is, Thope the Reading ofthis wil prepare her Mind for he above surprizing Revolutions. Ifshe can conform to this ew ‘Scheme of Living, we shall be the happiest Couple perhaps in the Province, and, by the Blessing of God, may soon be in thriving Circumstances. I have reserved the great Glass, because I know her Heartieset upon tI willallow her when she comics in, to be taken suddenly il with the Meadach, the Stonachach, Faintg-Fis, or whatever other Disorders she ‘may think more proper, and she may retire to Bed as soon ‘as she pleases: But if do not find her in perfect Health both ‘of Body and Mind the next Morning, away goes the aforesaid Great Glas, with several other Trinkets I have no Occasion, for, to the Vendue that very Day. Which is the irevocable Retolution of, Sir, Her loving Husband, and Your very hhamble Servant, ANTHONY AFTERWIT Patel, You know we can return to our former Way ‘of Living, when we please, if ad will be at the Expence of A Letter to his Sister, Jane 1758 Worse vcs ener over great part Engl ths Sunmer and among other lace ated the Tow out Father wa born in and found some Redon in hat pat of the Gary al ing Oar Conn Jae Fran, daughter of our UnleJoha, ed bot about a Year ago, We ser Mushand Robert Fags, who gave veal Lt is Wit fom Unkle Bejamin In ene of hem, dated Boston Jy 41725 he wees “Your Ue Joh has « Daughter June abou 12 ens OU, goat humoured Gla” Se jenny Teep up your Character and do! be angry hen you are ro Later Ina Booke set he caled Mine ni hewete sn Acros on er Name, nc or Namesake Sek wellasthe good Adie icon, Itransrbe and see you Whuminated from on High, ‘And shining brighdy in your Sphere [Nere faint, but keep a steady Eye Expecting endless Pleasures there Flee Vice, as you'd a Serpent flee, Raise Faith and Hope three Stories higher ‘And let Chris’ endless Love to thee 35 eeNete cease to make thy Love Aspire. Kindness of Heart by Words expres Lex your Obedience be sneer, In Prayer and Praise your God Address Neve cea til he ca cease to hear. After professing truly that I have a great Esteem and ‘Veneration for the pious Author, permit me a litde t play the Commentator and Critic on these Lines, The Meaning ‘of Thee Sores higher seems somewhat obscure, you are 0 understand, then, that Faid Hoge and Charity have been called the three Steps of Jacob's Ladder, reaching from Earth to Heaven. Our Author calls them Str, likening Religion to a Building, and those the three Stories of the Christian Edifie; Thus Improvement in Religion, i called Building Up, and Ealjcation. Faiths then the Groundefloor, Hoge typ one Pair of Stairs. My dearly beloved Jenny, don't delight so ‘much to dwell in these lower Rooms, but gex a8 fas as you can into the Garres; for in truth the best Room in the House is Ghariy. For my part, I wish the House was turn'd upside down; ts so difficult (when one is fit) to get up Stairs; and ‘not only so, but Timagine Hope and Faith may be more firmly built on Chany, than Charity pon Fad and Hope However that be, I think it a beter reading to say Raise Faith and Hope one Si higher. Correct it boldly and I'l support the Alteration. For when you are up two Stores already, if you raise your Building three Stories higher, you will make five in all, whieh is to ‘more than there should be, you expose your upper Rooms ‘more to the Winds and Storms, ad besides Iam afraid the Foundation will hardly bear them, unless indeed you build ‘ith such light Stuffs Straw and Stable, andl that you know won't stand Fie, ‘Again where the Author Says Kindness of Heart by Words express, Strike out Hons and put in Ded. The world is too fll of Compliments already; they are the rank Growth of every Soil, and Ghoak the good Plants of Benevolence and Benif- cence. Nor do I pretend tobe the first in this comparison of Words and Actions to Plants; you may remember an Ancient Poet whose Words we have all Studied and Copied at School, said long ago, A Man of Words ard not of Deeds, Is like « Garden full of Weeds, "Tis pity that Guod Works among same sorts of People are so litle Valued, and Good Wards admired in thee Stead; I mean seminal pious Discourses instead of Humane Benecolt Acton. ‘These they almost put out of countenance, by ealing Moral- ity ten Moray, Righteousness, raged Rightownas and even fis Rag; and when you mention Virtus, they pucker up their ‘Noses as if they smelt a Stink; atthe same time that they cagerly snulf up an empry canting Harangue, as iit was & Posi of the Choicest Howers. o they have inverted the good old Verse, and say now A Man of Deeds and not of Words Is like a Garden fall of. Ihave forgor the Rhime, but remember "tis something the very Reverse of a Perfume Se 6 Se ees) _Father Abraham Poor Richard, 1758 COURTEOUS READER, have heard that nothing gives an Author so great Plea- ‘re, as to find his Works respectilly quoted by other learned Authors. This Pleasure Ihave seldom enjoyed; for sho! Ihave been if may ay itwithout Vanity, an eminent Author of Alma- racks annually now a full Quarter of Century, my Brother ‘Authors in the same Way, for what Reason I know nt, have ever been very sparing in their Applauses; and no other ‘Author has taken the least Notice of me, so that did not my ‘Writings produce me some solid Aug, the great Deficiency of Praise would have quite discouraged me. T concluded at length, that the People were the best Judges of my Meri; for they buy my Works; and besides, in ‘my Rambles, where Iam not personaly known, Ihave fre- quently heard one or other of my Adages repeated, with, ar ‘Pur Richard says, atthe End on’ this gave me some Satisfac- tion, as it showed not only that my Instructions were re- garded, but discovered likewise some Respect for my Authority; and T own, that to encourage the Practice of re- ‘membering and repeating those wise Sentence, Ihave some- times quite mpuelf with great Gravity. | SIE enmeeeteeeee Judge then how much I must have been gratified by an Incident I am going to relate to you. I stopt my Horse lately here «great Number of People were collected at a Vendue of Merchant Goods. The Hour of Sale not being come, they Were conversing on the Badnes of the Times, and one of the ‘Gompany called to a plain clean old Man, with white Locks, Pray, Father Nbrahar, what thnk you of he Times? Won't thee ‘uary Taxes quite rin the County? Hw shall ee be erable to pay than? What wuld you advise us o—Pather Abratam stood up, and replied, Ifyou'd have my Advice, I'l give it you in short, fora Word the Wiseis ough and many Werd won Yfilla Buse, a Poor Rand says, They joined in desiring him to speak his ind, and gathering round him, he proceeded as follows; Friends, says he, and Neighbours, the Taxes are indeed very heavy, and ifthose laid on by the Government were the ‘only Ones we had to pay, we might more easily discharge them; but we have many others, and much more grievous to some of us. We are axed twice as much by our Iles, tee ‘mes as much by our rid, and four times as much by our Folly, and from these Taxes the Commissioners caninot ease or deliver us by allowing an Abatement. However let us hhearken to good Advice, and something may be done for us; God helps them that lp themsees, as Por Richard says, i his Almanack of 1733. Tewould be thoughts hard Government that should tax its People one tenth Part oftheir Ting to be employed in its Service, Bu ils taxes many of usmuch more, ifwe reckon allthatis spent in absolute Sl or doing of nothing, with that Which is spent in idle Employments or Amusements, that amount to nothing. Sl, by bringing on Diseases, absolutely shortens Life, Shh, the Rust conswes fat than Labour wea, vale he wed Kg is akoys bright, as Poor Rihard says. But dst hou lave if then do ot squander Ti, fr thls the Staff Lif is 38 SE 8 Se— made of as Pio Richard says.—Hlow much more than isneces- saty do we spend in Sleep! forgetting that The sping Fox cakes no Poult, ancl sa hr wil de slepingencagh in the Grove, as Poor Richard says. IF Time be ofall Things the most pre+ ous, wasting dime must be, as Poor Richard says, the greatest Prodigal, snes, ashe elsewhere tells us, Last tine is mae fund gang and what we call Tineenogh, always proves Kale enough [Let us then up and be doing, and doing to che Purpose; 0 ‘by Diligence shall we do more with less perplexity. Sod males all hinge dif, but Induct all oy, as Poor Richard says; and ‘He that ruth las, mst ot all Day, and shall scarce verte is Busines at Nght. While Laziness aa ssl, that Pert son ver tales him, 28 we read in Po Richard, who ads, Drive thy Busnes, tno hat drive te; and Early Bed, and early tvs, rales 0 Max hea, wvally and wis ‘So what signifies wishing and hyping for better Times. We may make these Times better if we bestir ourselves. Inst, ued not wish, ax Por Richard says, and He that Ines ypon Hope wil i faring. There ore no Gains, without Pains thn lip Hand for Tava no Lands, oF if T have, they are smarty taxed. And, a8 Poor Richard ikevise observes, He tat hath o Trade hath Esa, and He hat hath Calling hath an Off of Prot and Honus, bbutthen the Trade must be worked a, and the Calling well fl- lowed, or neither the Bit, nor the Ofie zzill enable us to for, 8 oor Richard says, At he wonking Man's Howse unger aks in, but dare not eter. Nor will he Bai or the Constable enter, for Ladusty pays Debts, wile Despair exreath thn, says Poor ‘Ridhard—What though you have found no Treasure, nor has any rich Relation left you a Legacy, Diligence isthe Moth of Goodluck, a Por Richard says, and Gad gis all Things fonds. ‘Than plough dep, while Sugars slp, and you shall have Cor sell and tha, says Puor Dick. Work while ii called To-day, foryou know not how much you may be hndezed To-mor- row which makes Por Richa ay, Ov Todo wor eT suas and farther, Hieyou somata domo, dot To dy, you were a Servant, would you no be ashamed thet 4 good Master should catch youl? Are you then your oun Master, beahanad th yun ids Por Di says, Whom ther sso much wo be done for youn, your Family, your County, and your grcious King be up by Peep of Day Let ta te Sen ek da nd, Fars hr es Hane your Tools without Mitens remember hatte Cat in Ges las 10 Micas Por RihrdsaysTistruetherenmuch o be done, and peshaps you ae weal banded, bu sick tit seal, and you wil se great Elles, for consane Deg coup Sou, aby Digan atone he ae aes Ce, And te Sk fl pet Oo as Par Richard says nis Ale mac, the Year I camot jst now remember, Methinks Hheat some of yous, uta Man fri steele te Pen whe Pes tocotene, Enply thy Tine wel hs mete gain Livan and, sue to sitet ofa Man, Brat mt yan Heat Lee, Tie for doing something vac this Leisure the digent Man wl ‘bian, bu the Ixy Man never; 50 that, as Pur Rihand wy Lio Lineand Life Laine oes Thngs. Do yous. gine that Slodh wil ard you mare Comfort than Labour? No, for as Por Rican! sj, Table rigs fm Idee, ad rics Tal om nas Ease Many wth Labo, wo iy ‘he WITS ob, bt ty afr onto Suc Whereas nd gives Comfort, nd Fenty, and Respect Fy Plast, and hp wil lie ou. Te ligt Spina a lage ifs ann hase Shap and Ca, ey Ba bids me Cod mma all ich wel sid by Pr Richard Bar with our Industry, we mt Hhewise be sea, ed anucarefl and ovene ourown Afi wid asa cand a = - aes ot trust foo much to others for 38 Par Richard says, Tee saan of raved Tes, ‘Ne ye oft rnaed Fai, “That tres els ase a stad Be [And again, Tre Renser ira bad a Fi and again, Kp iy Shop, and thy Stop il ep thas nd again, Ifyou wold hase your Basins dns, If, end. And agin, He that by the Pgh oldie, “Hinself master blo die ‘And again, The Bye of« Mare da mre Work tan Both is Hands and sain, Wat of Cane des one Dag tan Wat of Kolelg: avd again, Nott see Worn, lve then ‘Jour Passe, Testing too much to others Cares dhe Ruin ‘of many; for, asthe Almac says, Jn Be Af of is World, “Mev arsed not ai bu by the Wat of bat a Man's own Cares profitable; for, saith Por Dick Laing ir whe Suc, and Riches the Carga well at Pate the Ball, and Heer bb the Fras. And farther, Ifyou would hae a fail Sees dnd one that, ie, ene ou And agai, he advise v0 Ci cumspection and Care, even i the smallest Matters, because Sometimes a ite Neg may breed grat Mishigh adding, For cua of Nail the Sho wat lt frat ofa hoe Be Horse was lost; and for want of a Horse the Rider was last, being overtaken ad lan by the Enemy, al for want of Care about a Horse shoe Nail ‘So much for Industry, my Friends, and Atenon to ‘one’s own Business but to these we must ad Frugal, if we ‘would make our Induty more ceninly successful. A Man tay, ihe knows not how to save ase gets, gp his Nise ll is if the Grinds, and dic not worth a Greta lst. ich mals lan Wil, as Por Richard 338; and, ‘Many Bits are spn in Be Gating, ‘Since Wome far Tea fs Spiig end Biting a — —_ And Sen for Punch forsook Heaing and Sping ‘fou would be wealty, says he, in another Almanack, shi of ‘Saving aswell as of Gating: The Indies have nt made Spain ric, ‘ecaie her Outgoes ae rater ha her Incomes. Away then with your expensive Folic, and you will no have so much Cause to complain of hard Times, heavy Taxes, and chargeable Families; for, as Poor Dick says, Wamen and Win, Gane and Desi Make de Wealth small, ond the Wants peat ‘And farther, Wat maintains one Vice, would bring up seo Chil ‘You may think perhaps, That adit Tea, ora litle Punch now and then, Diet a litte more costly, Clothes a lite fines, and 4 ie Entertainment now and then, can be no greet Matter; bbut remember what Por Richard say, Mary a Lite mates @ Mists and farther, Bevare of Vile Expences; a anal Leak will sink a grat Ships and again, Who Dantes le, shall Beggars procs and moreover, Fol: make Feasts and wise Men tat them. ‘Here you are all got together at this Vendue of Fines and Kricknaks. You call tiem Gio, but if you do not take (Care, they will prove Evils to some of you. You expect they will be sold chap, and perhaps they may for less than they ost; but ifyou have no occasion for them, they must be dear tw you. Remember what Por Richard says, Buy wha how hast a Ned of and ee long tow sal ll ty Neesoris. And again, At 4 great Peupreordh pause a while: He means, that perhaps the Cheapness is apparent only, and not real or the Bargain, by stratning thee in thy Business, may do thee more Harm than ‘Good. For in another Place he says, Many have ben rained ‘noing good Pouyworts. Again, Pur Richard says, “Tis fish o ay out Mang ina Purchase of Repentance end ye this Folly is prac= sed every day at Vendues, for wan of minding the Amanack Wie Aden as Poor Dick says, are by ete Hams, Fels scarey ‘by ter oun; but, Fic qu fait alcna Pera euton, Many @ = = = 6&3 =4 one, forthe Sake of Finery on the Back, have gone with a hungry Bely, and half starved their Families; Sis and Satins, Sealand Vets, a8 Por Richard says, put ote Kichen Fie ‘These are not the Neeser of Life; they can scarcely be called the Gonenini, and yet only because they look prety, how many wan! to haze them. The aril Wants of Mankind ‘thus become more numerous than the ratiraly and, as Por Dick says, Fer aw poor Pason, tre are on hurd indigent. By ‘these and other Extravagancies, the Gentce ar reduced 0 Povery, and forced to borrow of those whom they formerly despised, but who through Indust and Fragliy hee maintained the Standing; in which Case it appears plainly, that Plough- rman on his Legs is higher thao Gena on his ites, a8 Poor ‘Ricard says, Petbaps they have had a small Estate lft them, ‘which they knew not the Getting of they think is Day, ond ulnar Be Nights that a lite to be spent out of s0 much, is not worth minding; (a Childanda Fou as Por Richard sa, ia sie Teventy Shillings nd Tce yearscan ace be spent but alors faking ot ofthe Meal tub, and never puting it, son comes Be Batts then, as Pror Dick says, When the Wells dy, iy kaw he ‘Wot of Water But this they might have known before, ithey had taken his Advice; Iu would knw the Value of Mong, 2 and tp to bor soe; for, he that goes Boeing ges @ sree ing: and indeed so does he that lends to such people, when hae goes gt it in again — Poor Dick farther advises, and say, Fond Pride of Dres, issue vey Gir: Ber Fancy you cow cnslt your Parse, ‘And agai, Prides a ud a Bayar as Wont and great deal ore seu. When you have bought one fine Thing you must buy ten more, that your Appearance may be all of a rece; but Poor Dick says, "Tis easier suppres theft Des, tan a sais al ha fll it, And ts as truly Folly for the Poor to ape the Rich, as for the Frog to swell, in order to equal the Ox ee ee Great Estates may setae mre, But Kite Boats should hep mear hoe "Tis however a Follysoon punished for Pride that dineron Vanity sus on Cintonp, as Poor Richard says. And in another Place, Pide braised with Plo, dnd with Pacer, and supped with Infny. And ater al, of what Use is this Pid of Appearance, fr ‘which o muck risked, so much is salered? Iecannot promote Health, oF ease Pain; it makes no Increase of Merit in the Person, it creates Envy, i hastens Misfortune, What i a Buty? At bast He's bata Catapilar drs The Gandy Pop's his Pte just, as Por Richard says, But what Madness must it be to nan in Debt for thee Superflites! We are offered, by the Terms of this Vendue, ‘Sic Month Credits and that perhaps has induced some of us to attend it, because we cannot spare the ready Money, and hhope now to be fine without it, But, ah, think what you do when you run in Debt; You give tw another Paver ce yuu Libr. Ifyou eannot pay at the Time, you wil be ashamed t0 see your Creditor; you will be in Fear when you speak to him; you will make poor pitiful sneaking excuses, and by Degrees come to lose your Veracity, and sink into base downright ying; for, a8 Poor Richard says, The cond Fie is Lying, the fist 1 naming in De. And again, to the same Purpose, Lying ides gun Deb's Back. Whereas a freeborn Englishman ought not {o be ashamed or aftaid to see or speak to any Man living, But Poverty often deprives a Man ofall Spirit and Virtue: Tit and for a ompoy Bag stand wpright, as Paor Richard tly says. What would you think of that Prince, or that Government, ‘who should issue an Edict forbidding you to dres ike a Gen leman or « Gentlewoman, on Pain of Imprisonment or Ser- vitude? Would you not say, that you are free, have a Right _ = 64 _ = 65 xto dress as you please, and that sach an Edict would be a Breach of your Privileges, and such a Government tyranni+ cal? And yet you are about to put yourself under that Tyran ay when you nin in Deb for such Drest Your Creditor has Authority at his Pleasure to deprive you of your Liberty, by confining you in Goal for Life, or 10 sell you fora Servant, ifyou should not beable to pay him! When you have got your Bargain, you may, perhaps, think lide of Payment; but Gedi- tors, Poor Richard ells us, hae beter Mensris thax Debus; end in another Place says, Ciitrs ve a superstitions Se, reat Obuners of st Days and Times. The Day comes round before you are aware, and the Demand is made before you are prepared to satily it, Or if you bear your Debt in Mind, the term which at first seemed so long, will, as it lessens, appear extreamly shor. Time will seem to have added Wings to his Heels as Well as Shoulders. This havea sort Let sith Por Richard sho ue Mong tobe pid ot Base, Then since, ashe says, The Bor wer sa Slave to the Len, and the Debtor the Grd, disdain the Chain, preserve your Freedom; and maintain your Inde- pendency: Be iudutrou and ia; befagal and fe. A present, perhaps, you may think yourself in thriving Circumstances, and that you can bear a litle Extravagance without Injury, but, For Age and Went, save hile you mays No Moming Sun lasts a wchule Du. as Por Richard say3—Gain may be temporary and uncerain, bbut ever while you live, Expence is constant and certain; and "ts easier build to Chinwies than 1 hsp one in Ful, as Poor ‘Richard says. So rather goto Bed superiess tha rein Deb Get what you can, and what you get hal "Tis he Stone that wil tar all aur Lead into Gold, 1s Por Richard says. And when you have got the Philosopher's Stone, sure you will no longer complain of bad Times, or the SS Sauna Difficulty of paying Taxes, ‘This Doctrine, my Friends, is Ress and Wision; but afer al, do not depend too misch pon your own Industry, and Fragalty, and Prudace, though excellent ‘Things, for they may all be blasted without the Blessing of Heaven; and therefore ask that Blessing humbly, and be not uncharitabe to those that at present seem to wat 4, but comfor and help them, Remember job suffered, and as alierwards prosperous, And now to conclude, Experience haps a dear Schl, but Pokal ear no ete, and scarce in ht fortis tue, we gy ie Advice, but we cannot ge Confer, as Poor Richard says However, remember this, Thy that wn Be counselled, can be deed, as Poor Rickard says. An farther, That iyou wil at hear Reason, shel surely rap jour Kae, ‘Thus the old Gentleman ended his Harangue. The Peo- ple heard it, and approved the Doctrine, and immediately” Dractised the contrary, jus as fit had been a common Ser- ‘mon; forthe Vendue opened, and they began to buy extravas ‘ganly, notwithstanding ll his Cautions, and their own Fear (of Taxes.—I found the good Man had thoroughly studied my Almanacs, and digested all Thad dropt on those Topicks during the Course of Five-and-twenty Years. The fequent Mention he made of me must have tired any one else. but my Vanity was wonderfully dlighted with it, though T was ‘onstious that not a tenth part ofthe Wisdom was my own which he ascribed to me, but rather the Glanings Thad made ‘of the Sense ofall Ages and Nations. However, I resolved to be the better for the Echo of it; and though T had at fist etcrmined to buy Stuf for anew Coat, Iwent away resolved to wear my old One a litle longer. Rew, if thou wilt do the same, thy Profit will be as great as mine. am as eer, Thine t sec te, RICHARD SAUNDERS, =o ——— A Petition of the Left Hand 1785 ‘TO THOSE WHO HAVE THE ‘SUPERINTENDENCY OF EDUCATION address myself to all the fiiends of youth, and conjure them to direct their compassionate regards to my unhappy fate, in order to emove the prejudices of which I am the vie- tim. There are twin sisters of us; and the ewo cyes of man do ‘not more resemble, nor are capable of being upon better terms with each other, than my sister and myself were it not forthe panilty of our parents, who make the most injurious disinctions between us. From my infancy, I have been led to ‘consider my sister as a being of a more elevated rank. I was suffered to grow up without the least instruction, while noth- ing was spared in her education. She had masters to teach her writing, drawing, music, and other accomplishments; but if by chance I touched a pene, a pen, or a needle, I was bitterly rebuked; and more than once I have been beaten for being awkward, and wanting a graceful manner. Itistrue, my sister associated me with her upon some occasions; but she always made a point of taking the lead, calling upon me only from necessity, of to figure by her side Burcanceive not, Sirs, that my complaints are instigated merely by vai No; my wae is ocasoned by an bier mich mor seins ite pacts in out fan, Wat thewhole bse proving i subience spon iy ster and ysl. Hf any ingen shoud tack my Steen mendon iin cones pon this ces, tht shes bjt eget, the teaman a camp without making mention of ter aecidens—what would theft fourpoor fui? Mos oocthe regret afour parents he evcenive, a having placed wo reat a erence betwen ser wh are so precy eq? Aad we mus pe om airs elt be ype eno supple pen for li asin een ied o ely the and another in ranicrbig the equ which have now the honour to prt fo you Conde, Sr make my paren sense of he sce of al excuse tenderen and of he necesiy af disibtng thi care and aeion meng al hel cide quay. Tam, wih profound repe, Sin, your oben ‘THE LEFT HAND. = = 68 =SE The Mother Country 1765 ‘We have an old Mother that pecvish is grown, ‘She snubs us like Children that scarce walk alone; She forgets we're grown up and have Sense of our own Which roby can dew, dex, eich nobody can dey. If we don't obey Orders, whatever the Cases She frowns, and she chides, and she loser all Pati- Ence, and sometimes she hits us a Slap in the Face, Which nobody can deny, Be Her Orders 0 odd are, we often suspect ‘That Age has impaired her sound Intellect: Bur sill an old Mother should have due Respect, Which nobody can de, Let's bear with her Humours as well at we ean: But why should we bear the Abuse of her Man? ‘When Servants make Mischief; they carn the Ratan, Which nobody should der, Know too, ye bad Neighbours, who aim to divide ‘The Sons from the Mother, that sill she’s our Pride; ‘And if ye attack her we'ee all of her side, Whick nobody cn den, ‘Weill join in her Lawuits, to baffle all those, Who, to get what she has, will be often her Foes: For we know it must all be our own, when she goes, Whi nobody can deny, dy, which nobody can dey The Frenchman and the Poker 1766 Fis rye, oo ith wt Fondant thera Intention fbn the Americans apy fall the Stamps they ought to hae ae, betes he Cone tencennt ofthe Acad the Day on hich the Roped thes Pls, fom de of Novenie 1785 tothe ot of Mo 1765; hat hin 0 make Par ofan Ac vhs ee fe Vali 0 the Woking and Law rosin the onary to Las have ben excited witout Sap tobe the Condon on wish hey ret cit Valid ity Shall ethen Seep up for ate the Hest and ao ans hat have been oon by the Stamp and lose lth Bene of Harmony and goed Undaeing Between te ditren Pars of he Emp, whch were ecto fom a geeroos tol Repeal To is aoe 16 be Whitmore easy celled than the whle Duo Whe ae Offer oefound who will ender cole 1 Who to poet tem whe they we abut In Opinion, i wl meet wth the ame Opponent svended with the ume Misha wel ae cade tn Enforcement of he Ae ene _ Se <= 71 =Duta ta gre, ores Rd for delaying the Expnce ths ben ue by sap ing Paper ind Pacman re Ue of Aer, which thy have refined otk and tne upon ot Han dha sce hy ar highly favoured byte Reed, they Cannot wth any For of Beene cet mate god he Charges we hve been ton heir coun The whole Pro ceeding would put on in Mind the Frenchman the wed to act Enh ad ther Sanger on the Pte ih tmany Compliments and ed baton in his Hands Pay Maar Ags sythe Du he Fs ome Hs ef rating Dish ona or Bast Zoos, what does Fellow mea! Begone with your on, or break your Head ‘Ny Mass, reps Ne, fo dna ch el a spot a tat hase Gas py me tight en Three Fables NEW FABLES, humbly inscribed to che Secretary of State for the Amevican Department L ‘A Herd of Cows had ong aforded Plenty of Milk, Butter, and Cheese to an avaricious Farmer, who grudged them the Grass they subsisted on, and at length mowed it to make Money of the Hay, leaving them to shift for Food a8 they ‘ould, and yer stil expected to milk them as before; but the Gows, offended with his Unreasonablenes, resolved for the future to suckle one another, 1 ‘An Eagle, King of Birds, sailing on His wings aloft over a Fanmer’s yard, saw a Cat there basking in the Sun, mistook it fora Rabbit, stooped, seized it, and carried it up into the Air, intending to prey on it. The Cat turing, set her Claws into the Eagle's Breast; who, finding his Mistake, opened his Talons, and would have let her drop; but Puss, unvalling to fall so far, held faster; and the Eagle, co get rid of the In. ‘convenience, found it necessary to set her down where he took her up. —— , —m1, ‘A Lion’s Whelp was put on board a Guinea Ship bound to ‘America asa Present toa Friendin that County: Iewas tame and harmless as a Kitten, and therefore not confined, but sulfered to walk about the Ship at Pleasure. A stately, fall. ‘grown English Masti, belonging to the Captain, despsing the Weakness ofthe young Lion, frequently took its Food by Force, and often turned it out ofits Lodging Box, when he hhad a mind to repose therein himself. The Young Lion nevertheless grew daly in Sie and Strength, and the Voyage being long, he became at last a more equal Match for the ‘Mastiff who continuing his Insults, received a stunning Blow from the Lion's Paw thas ferched his Skin over his Ears, and deterred him from any furure Contes with such growing Surengih; regreting that he had not rather secured its Friendship than provoked its Enmity. Acarioon designed and distributed by Franklin = —= 74 A Letter to His Son, William 1773 Las wien on pcs hr ately he Pb Adveties on Areca ai, designed o ope the con duct oft county toward oon into, cp hensive and wing wand sted err ioueae ay frm, a mot oath poner anon The ft wa ald lek oe ep ay bee ‘mal othe secon, An Edt ot gD Tat you one ofthe it bu old no et eng othe seta co seaeyouone,hoghny der wen ie next morning he psn’ and wherever they woe sl They wee al gone bac iwo In my on mind pered thei a comps Son orth quay anc vay ofthe mar canted ad * king of ped ending oath paragraph ut Td hat others ee general prs second. Tam ht ete asthe autho excep by one oro end and he need the lar sen onthe hgh tera he bene nd severest pte that hs ppened here along ti, Lend Manel hear sido hit was wy ABLE so op ARTFUL indeed and woud do mihi by ging bg Ses 75 seeeee — bad impression of the measures of government; and in the colonies, by encouraging them in their contumacy. It is reprinted in the Chronicle, where you will sei, but stripped ‘of all the capitlling and ialicing, tha intimate the allusions and marks the emphasis of written discourses, to bring them as near as possible to those spoken: printing such a piece all in one even small character, seems to me like repeating one ‘of Whitfiel’s sermons in the monotony of a school-boy. What made it the more noticed here was, that people in reading i, were, as the phrase is, tak ill they had got half through it and imagined it a real edict, to which mistake T suppose the king of Prusia’s character must have contributed, Twas down at lord Le Despencer’s when the post brought that day's papers. Mr, Whitehead was there too (Paul ‘Whitehead, the author of Manners] who rans early through all the papers, and tells the company what he finds remark- able, He had them in another room, and we were chatting in he breakfast parlour, when he came running into us, out of breath, with the paper in his hand. Herel says he, here's news for ye! Here's thing of Pasa claiming aright this kingdom! Allstared, and as much as any body; and he went on tread it, When he had read two or tree paragraphs, a gentleman present said, Damm his impudence 1 dre sy we shal hear by nxt ‘fost hat ei upon his march wih ne handed hows men back this, Whitehead who is very shrewd, soon after began to smoke it, and looking in my face sid, 1 be hanged ft i ot some of your American Jokes upon ws. The reading went on, and ‘ended with a abundance of laughing, and a general verdict that it was a fai hits and the piece was cutout ofthe paper land preserved in my lord’ collection, Rules by Which A Great Empire May Be Reduced to a Small One 1773 Argan Saeed inl spon thi ath’ be could not fide, he knew how to make agra Cio a ie ove, The Science tha 1,4 modem Simpeton, am about communica isthe very reverse. T address mya all Miniters who have the Manage- ‘meat ofetesive Dominion, which from tei very Great cis are become roublesome 1 govern, because the Mul ply of thei Alar eaves no Time fr iin Inthe frst Pace, Genlemen, you ate o conse, that 4 great Empire, tke a great Cake, i mos eal diminished a the Edges. Tum your Atenton therefore fist 10 your emotes Provinces: that as you gti of them, the ext may flow in Order 1. That the Rostilty ofthis Separation may aways ns, take special Care the Provinces are never incorporated with the Mother Country, that they do not enoy the same common Rig heme Pres in Comer, dha cy are governed by sm Lav al of our aang without Mlowig tem any Shatin the Choice ofthe Legiltos. By ee —carefully making and preserving such Distinctions, you will (to keep to my Simile of tue Cake) act lke a wise Gingerbread Baker, who, to facilitate a Division, cute his Dough half Uirough in those Places, where, when baked, he would have it broken Pies IIL These remote Provinces have perhaps been ace ‘quired, purchased, or conquered, a the sole Bxpoce of the Sealers or their Ancestors, without the Aid of the Mother Country. I'this should happen toincrease her Sool by their ‘growing numbers ready to join in her Wars, her Commerce by their growing Demand for her Manufacrures, of her Niza! Power by greater Employment for her Ships and Searen, they 'may probably suppose some Merit in this, and that it entitles them to some Favour; you are therefore to figtitall or resent iasif hey had done you Injury. Ifthey happen tobe zealous Whigs, Friends of Libersy, nurtured in Revolution Principles, semenber all ht to their Prejudice, and contrive to punish it For such Principles, after a Revolution is thoroughly estab lished, are of ro more Us, they are even odious and abominabl, IV, However peaceably your Colonies have submited to your Government, shewn their Affection to your Interest, and patiently bore their Grievances, you are to supfosethem always inclined to revolt, and tree them accordingly. Quar- ter Troops among them, who by their Insolence may provoke the rising of Mobs, and by their Blles and Bayonet prs ‘hem, By this Means, like the Husband who utes hie Wife i from Suspicion, you may in Time convert your Suspicions into Rabi, 'V. Remote Provinces must have Givemors and Judges, t0 represent the Royal Person, and execute every whete the delegated Pars of his Office and Authority. You Ministers know, thar much of the Strength of Government depends on the Opinion of the People; and much of that Opinion on the eee = ‘Choice of Rulers placed immediately over them, Ifyou send ‘hera wie and good Men for Governors, who study the Inter «staf the Colonists, and advance their Prosper, they wil ‘hink their King wise and good, and that he wishes the Wele fare of his Subjects. I'you send them leamed and upright ‘Men for judges, they wil think boa a Lover of Justice, This may atach your Provinces more this Government You are therefore o be carefl who you recommend for those Ofces. If you cas find Prodigals who have ruined their Fortunes, broken Gamesters or StckJobbers, thee may do wel ay Governor for they wil probably be rapacious, and provoke the People by their Exortions, Wranling Proctor: and exyfogging Lawyers too are not amis, fo they wil be for ever dapusing and quarreling with their lide Parianents, if witha they shouldbe ignorant, rong;-headed and insolent, so much the better. Attomeys Clers and Newgate Solicitors wil do for Chif Fis, especialy if they hold their laces dunng your Pas: And al wil eontsibute to impress those ‘ideas of your Government that are proper for a People you sould wih rset VL. To confirm these Impressions, and strike them deeper, whenever the Injured come tothe Capital with Com pint of Mal-administration, Oppresion, or Injustice, pun- Ssh such Suitors with long Delay, enormous Expence, and a finaljudgmentia Favour of tie Oppresor, This will ave an drab Effect every Way. The Trouble of future Com plaints willbe prevented, and Governors and Judges will be encouraged tofarher Acs of Oppression and Injustice and thence the People may become more disaflected, ad a lgdh ape VI. When such Governors have crammed their Cole, and made themaelves so odious to the People chat they can ‘no longer remain among them with Safety to thee Persons, SEEYecall and revard them with Pensions. You may make them Barons too, if that respectable Order should not think ft to resent it, All will contribute to encourage new Governors in the same Practices, and make the supreme Government desabl, VIIL If when you are engaged in War, your Colonies should vie in liberal Aids of Men and Money against the com- ‘mon Enemy, upon your simple Requisition, and give far be- yond their Abilities, reflect, tha a Penny taken from them by your Power is more honourable to you than a Pound pre= sented by their Benevolence. Despise therefore their wolun- tary Grants, and resolve to hazrass them with novel Taxes, ‘They will probably complain to your Parliaments that they are taxed by a Body in which they have no Representative, and that thi is contrary to common Right. They wll petition for Redress. Let the Pasiaments flout their Claims, reject their Petitions, refuse even to sulfer the reading of them, and tweat the Petitioners with the ummost Contempt, Nothing can hhave a beter Effect, in producing the Alienation proposed for hough many can forgive Injuries, nme eer fogaee Content IX. In laying hese Taxes, never regard the heavy Bur. thens those remove People already undergo, in defending ‘heir own Frontiers supporting their own provincial Governe ‘ments, making new Roads, building Bridges, Churches and ‘other publi Edifice, which in old Countries have been done to your Hands by your Ancestors, bt which occasion con stant Call and Demands on the Purses ofa new People, For- {et the Resbaint you lay on their Trade for your sum Benefit, and the Advantage a Mowpal of this Trade gives your exact. Merchants. Think nothing of the Wealth those Mer ‘chants and your Manufictarers acquire by the Calony Com- ‘merce; ther encreased Ability thereby to pay Taxesat home; their accumulating, inthe Price oftheir Commodities, most — eat — of these Taxes, and so levying them from their consuming Customers: All tis, and the Employment and Support of ‘thousands of your Poor by the Colonist, you are iret for st. But remember to make your arbitrary Tax more griev= ‘ous t0 your Provinces, by public Declarations importing that Your Power of taxing them has no Lani, so that when you ‘ake from them without their Consent a Shilling in the Pound, you have aclear Right to the other nineteen, This wll probably weaken every Idea of Sent in ter Prager, and ‘convince them that under such a Government thy hase nothing thy can call ir oun; which can scarce fail of producing the happiest Conseuenes! X. Possibly indeed some of them might stil comfort ‘themselves, and say, “Though we have no Property, we have yet something lef chats valuable; we have constitutional Liber both of Person and of Conscience. This King, these Lords, and these Commons, who it seems are too remote from us to know us and fel for us, cannot take from us our Habeas Corpus Right, oF our Right of Trial by « Jury of or Neghbous: They cannot deprive us of the Exercise of our Religion, alter ur ecclesiastical Constitutions, and compel us to be Papists ifthey please or Mahometans” To annihilate this Comfort, begin by Laws to perplex their Commerce with infinite Regulations impossible to be remembered and observed ‘ordain Seizures oftheir Property for every Failure; take away the Trial of sch Property by Jury, and give it ro arbitrary Judges of your own appointing, and ofthe lowest Characters in the Country, whose Salaries and Emoluments are t arise ‘out ofthe Duties or Condemnations, and whose Appoint. ments are during laure. Then let there be a formal Decla- ration of bth Houses, that Opposition to your Edict is Tea- st, and that Persons suspected of Treason inthe Provinces ‘ay, according to some obsolete Law, be seized and sent to ee~ ——— the Metropolis of the Empire for Tia; and pass an Act that those there charged with certain other Offences shal be sent away in Chains from their Friends and Country to be tied in the same Manner for Felony. Then erect a new Court of Inquisition among them, accompanied by an armed Force, ‘with Instructions to transport all such suspected Persons, (0 be ruined by the Expence if they bring over Evidences to prove their Innocence, or be found guilty and hanged ifthey can’t afford it. And lest the People should think you cannot possibly go any farther, pats another solemn declaratory Act, thae "King, Lords, and Commons had, hath, and of Right ‘ought to have full Power and Authority to make Statutes of| sulficent Force and Validity to bind the unrepresented Pro vinces IN ALL CASES WHATSOEVER. This wil include Spiritual with temporal; and taken together, must operate ‘wonderfully to your Purpose, by convincing them, that they are at present under a Power something ike hat spoken of in the Scriptures, which can not only ll ir Bade, but dann tier Souleto all Exerity, by compelling them, iit pleases, se rsp te Dail X1.'To make your Taxes more odious, and more likely te procure Resistance, send from the Capital a Board of Off- cers to superintend the Collection, composed of the most sca ied and inlet you can find, Let these have large Salaries ou ofthe extorted Revenue, andlve in open grating Luxury upon the Sweat and Blood ofthe Industrious, whom they are to worry continually with groundless and expensive Prosecutions before the above-mentioned arbitrary Reve nue Judges all ate Cou of te Paty prorected tho’ acquived, because the King is opy no Casts, Let these Men by your Order bbe exempted from all he common Taxes and Burthens of he Province, though they and their Property are protected by its Laws. any Revenue Officers ate supectad ofthe least Ten demess for the People, discard them. IF others are justly complained of, protect and reward them. fany ofthe Under officers behave so as to provoke the People to drub them, promote those to better Offices: This will encourage others to procure for themselves such profitable Drubbings, by maldiplying and enlarging such Provocations, and oll il work serwards the End you aim a. XL. Another Way to make your Tax odious, sto mis- apply the Produce of it, It was originally appropriated for the Dyface ofthe Provinces and the better Support of Gov- cement, andthe Administration of Justice where it may be ecasay, then apply none of it to that Dafece, but bestow it where itis not cess in augmented Salates or Pensions to every Govemnar who has distinguished himsel by his Enmity to the People, and by calumniating them to their Sovereign, ‘This will make them pay it more unwillingly, and be more apt to quarrel with those that collet i, and those that im posed, who will quarrel again with them, and all shall cor tribute to your main Pupse of making them weary of our Goverment, XIIL Ifthe People of any Province have been accut- tomed to support their own Governors and Judges to Satis: faction, you are to apprehend that such Governors and Judges may be thereby influenced to treat the People kindly, ‘and to do them Justice. This is another Reason for applying Partof that Revenue in arger Salaries to such Governors and Judges, given, as their Commissions arc, daring your Phare ‘only, forbidding them to take any Salaries from their Pro vince; that thus the People may no longer hope any kindness from their Govemors, of in Crown Cases) any Justice from thr Judges. And as the Money thus misapplied in one Pro- Vine is extorted from all, probably all wil nso be Misppli cation. = a _ —— 83 ——— —a XIV, Ifthe Parliaments of your Provinces should dare to claim Rights or complain of your Administration, order them to be harassed with repeated Dissolutions, Ifthe same ‘Men are continually retumed by new Elections, adjourn their ‘Meetings to some Country Village where they cannot beac ‘commedated, and there keep them during Phase for this, ‘you know, is your PREROGATIVE; and an excellent one itis, as you may manage it, to promote Discontents among the People, diminish their Respect, and Inrease thir Disafc~ tien. XV. Convert the brave honest Oificers of your Navy into pimping Tide-waiters and Colony Officers of the Cus- toins. Let tose who in Time of War fought gallantly in De- fence of the Commerce of their Countrymen, in Peace be taught to prey upon it Let them learn to be corrupted by great and real Smugglers; but (to shew their Diligence) scour with armed Boats every Bay, Harbour, River, Creek, Cove ‘or Nook throughout the Coast of your Colonies, stop and detain every Coaster, every Wood-boat, every Fisherman, tumble their Cargoes, and even thelr Ballas, inside out and upside down; and ifa Penn’orth of Pins is found un-entered, letthe Whole be seized and confiscated, Thus shall the Trade of your Colonists suffer more from their Friends in Time of Peace, than it did from their Enemiesin War. Then let these ‘oats Crews land upon every Farm in their Way, rob the (Orchards, steal the Pigs and Poultry, and insult the Inhabi tants. Ifthe injured and exasperated Farmers, unable to procure other Justice, should attack the Aggressor, drab them and bur their Boats, you are to call tis High Treason and Rebullin, order Fleets and Armiesinto their Country, and threaten to carry all the Offenders three thousand Miles to bbe banged, dravwn and quartered. O! this will work admiabh! XVI Ifyou are told of Discontents in your Colonies, never believe that they are general, oF that you have given (Oceasion for them; therefore do not think of applying any Remedy, or of changing any offensive Measure. Redrest no Grievance, lest they should be encouraged to demand the Redress of some other Grievance. Grant no Request that is just and reasonable, lest they should make another that is un- reasonable. Take sll your Informations of the State of the ‘Colonies from your Governors and Officers in Enmity with them, Encourage and reward these Leasing makers; secrete their ling Accusations lest they should be confuted; but act ‘upon them as the clearest Evidence, and believe nothing you hhear from the Friends of the People. Suppose all sr Com: plaints to be invented and promoted by a few factious Dema- gogues, whom if you could catch and hang, all sould be Quiet. Catch and hang a few of them accordingly; and the Blood of the Marrs shall work Miracles in favour of your Purpore ‘XVIL Ifyou see neal Nation rejoicing at the Prospect of your Disunion with your Provinces, and endeavouring to Promote ic If they translate, publish and applaud all the Complaints of your discontented Colonists, at the same Time privately stimulating you to severer Measures; let not that slam or offend you. Why should? sine you all mean she same Thing. XVIIL If any Colony should at their own Charge erect 1 Fortress to secure their Port against the Fleets ofa foreign Enemy, get your Governor to betray that Fortress into your Hands. Never think of paying what it cost the Country, for that would lok atleast, lke some Regard for Justice; but turn itintoa Citadel to awe the Inhabitants and curb their Com: merce. If they should have lodged in such Fortress the very ‘Arms they bought and used to aid you in your Conquest, scize them all, “will provoke like ngatitude added vo Robbe. = = _ = 85 = =(One admirable Effect of these Operations will be, o dis. ‘courage every other Colony from erecting such Defences, and so their and your Enemies may mare easly invade them, to the great Disgrace of your Government, and of course the Bathrance of your Pec. ‘XIX. Send Armiesinto their Country under Pretence of protecting the Inhabitants; but instead of garisoning the Forts on their Frontiers with those Troops, to prevent Incur- sions, demolish those Forts, and order the Troops into the Heart ofthe Country, that the Savages may be encouraged toattack the Frontiers, and that the Troops may be protected by the Inhabitants: This wll seem to proceed from your Il willor your ignorance, and contribute farther to produce and strengthen an Opinion among them, that you ae no linger ito gotem then, XX, Lastly, Invest the General ofyour Army ia the Pro vinees with great and unconstitutional Powers, and free him from the Control of even your own Civil Governors Let him have ‘Troops enow under his Command, with all the For ‘tresses in his Possession; and who knows but lke some pro: vincial Generals in the Roman Empire, and encouraged by the universal Discontent you have produced) he may take it into his Head to setup for himself. Ifhe should, and you have carefully practised these few excelled Rules of mine, take my Word fori, all the Provinces will immediately jin him and you will that Day jf you have not done it sooner) get vid of the Trouble of governing them, and all the Plas attending their Commeve and Connection from thenceforth and for ever, QED. An Edict of the King of Prussia 1773 Danszick, September 5, We have long wondered here atthe Supineness of the English Nation, under the Prussian Imposiions upon its ‘Trade entering our Port. We did not till lately know the Gains, ancient and moder, that hang over that Nation, and therefore could not suspect that t might submit to those Im: positions from a Sense of Dupo from Principles of Equip. ‘The following Eat, just made pubic, may, if serious, throw some Light upon this Matter. FREDERICK, by the Grace of God, King of Prussia, 4c. &e. Se, toall present and to come, HEALTH. The Peace ‘now enjoyed throughout our Dominions, having afforded us Leisure to apply ourselves to the Regulation of Commerce, the Improvement of our Finances, and at the same Time the casing our Damatie Subjctsin their Taxes: For these Causes, ‘and other good Consderarions us thereunto moving, We hereby make known, that after having deliberated these ‘Adlai in our Council, present our dear Brother, and other —= 37reat Officers ofthe State, Members of the same, WE, of our certain Knowledge, full Power and Authority Royal, have ‘made and issued this present Edict, viz WHEREAS its well known to all the Word, that the first German Settlements made in the Island of Britain, were by Colonies of People, Subjects to our renowned Ducal Ancestors, and drawn ftom tir Dominions, under the Con- duct of Hengist, Horsa, Hella, Uifa, Cerdicus, Ida, and others; and that the said Colonies have flourished under the Protection of our august House, for Ages pas, have never been emancipated therefrom, and yet have hitherto yielded lite Profit the same. And whereas We Ousrseifhave in the last War fought for and defended the said Colonies against the Power of France, and thereby enabled them to make Conguests from the said Power in America, for which we hhave not yet received adequate Compensation. And whereas itis just and expedient that a Revenue should be raised from ‘the sad Colonies in Britain towards our Indemnification; and that those who are Descendants of our ancient Subjects, and thence still owe us due Obedience, should contribute to the replenishing of our Royal Colfers, as they must have done hhad their Ancestors remained in the Territories now to us appertaining: WE.do therefore hereby ordain and command, “That from and after the Date of these Presents, there shall be levied and paid to our Olficers of the Customs, on all Goods, Wares and Merchandizes, andon all rain and other Produce of the Earth exported from the said Island of Britain, and on all Goods of whatever Kind imported into the same, ‘a Duty of Four and ax Half per Cent, ad Vali, for the Use ‘of ws and our Successors—And that the said Duty may more clfecually be collected, We do hereby ordain, that all Ships ‘or Vessels bound from Great Britain to any other Part of the ‘Word, or from any other Par of the World to Great Britain, 3 shall in heir respective Voyages touch at our Pot of KONINGSBERG, there to be unladen, searched, and charged with the sad Duties. AND WHEREAS there have been from Time to'Time sliscovered inthe sad Island of Great Britain by our Colonists there, many Mines or Beds of Iron Stone; and sundry Sub- jects of eur ancient Dominion, skilful in converting the said Stone inio Metal have in Times past transported themselves ‘hither, carrying with them and communicating thae Art and the Inhabitants of the said Island, presuming that they had a natural Right to make the best Ute they cold ofthe natural Productions oftheir Country for their own Benefit, have not only bulk Fumaces for smelting the said Stone into Iron, but have erected Plating Forges, Siting Mill, and Steel Fur naces, for the more convenient manufacturing ofthe same, thereby endangering a Diminution of the said Manufacture in our ancient Dominion, WE do thagore hereby farther ‘ordain, that from and after the Date hereof, no Mill o other Engine for Sling or Rolling of Iron, or any Plating Forge 10 work with a Tilt-Hammer, or any Furnace for making Sted), shall be erected or continuedin the said Island of Great Britain: And the Lord Lieutenant of every County inthe said Island is hereby commanded, on Information of any such Erection within his County, to order and by Force to cause the same to be abated and destroyed, as he shall answer the ‘Neglect thereof to Us at his Peril. But We are nevertheless ‘graciously pleased o permit the Inhabitants ofthe sid Island totransport their Iron into Prusia there tobe manufactured, and to them retumed, they paying our Prussian Subjects for the Workmanship, with allthe Costs of Commision, Freight and Risque coming and returning, any Thing hercin con ‘tained to the contrary notwithstanding. WE do not however think fit to extend this our Indu 89 -_gence to the Article of Woa, but meaning to encourage not only the manufacturing of woollen Clot, but also the raising of Woo in our ancient Dominions, and to prevent bl as ‘much as maybe, n ou said Island, We do hereby absolutely forbid the Transporation of Wool from thenee even tothe Mother Country Prussia; and that those Islanders may be father and more effectually vexrained in making any ‘Advantage oftheir own Wool ia the Way of Manufacture, ‘We command that none shall be erred cu of ne Contin fer, Two hundred years ago, we fought a war toffee ourselves from exceisive twxation. In setting up the Constitution, one ‘of the most important things we did was forbid the federal government from taxing the income ofits citizens. ‘This free- dom was preserved far 150 years, uni the citizens gave it away. And now look at how you are taxed! “How can you believe that you area fece people when you willingly subject to an agency such asthe Internal Reve- rue Service, which has the right to presume you are guilty unt you prove yourself innocent! How ean you believe you area free people when you mus spend days and weeks every year reporting your income to the goverment? "in my day, the newspapers would be decrying these ‘axes as vicious intrusion into our personal freedoms and selfexpression. What do the newspapers and television == 120 12] Sestations of your day—the so-called champions of fee spoech—do? They rin articles instructing the ciszens on how to fll out ther income tax form! They have become the propaganda machines of the IRS. “And when someone is hauled ino tax court, does the media grasp the rea issue? Do they raise their voices in pro- test against the exceaive taxation of private capital in this country, and the tx ls that ll but fore zens to break the law in order o obtain a ruling on what can be deducted sand what cannot? No~they make the cizen over the coals for social irresponsibility. Whereis the free press? Where is fice speech? les a fairy tale “will ell you one thing—ifT were alive today would probably be spending mos of my imei tax court, fighting to preserve whatever remaining scraps of freedom we have, before they were gone entirely, And Poor Richard would be raising hell about the rape of dhe American public by the Internal Revene Service. “You think there is ill a great deal of feedom in our country? Look at the fourth Bill. It states that “the right of| the people wo be secure in der persons, houses, papers and effets against unreasonable searches and siaures shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath oF affimason, and particularly describing the place tobe searched andthe persons or things to be seized." “Many important court rulings have upheld this pine ciple,” 1 observed “Once again giving you the comfortable feeing of freedom, without the reality of i" Franklin reped. “The govemment and private agencies have compiled so many records on each Giizen that there sno ‘ight to be secure in your own person, house, papers, and effec inthis modern = 125 age. Your phone calls can be traced—and even tapped— without your knowledge or consent, Everyone and his relatives demands to know your socal security number, even though i isa direct invasion of your privacy. And with the advent of computers, all of these files can be checked and cross-checked in an instant “Let's look at the 7th Bil: "In suits at common law, Where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no face tied by a jury shall be otherwise reexamined in any court ofthe United States than according to the rules of the common aw. “Here isa perfect example ofthe way Modern Amer icans have given away their freedom. The idea of tal by jury isbased on I)an educated clectorate and 2) an electorate that recognizes the value of the jury system and willingly participates in it, The Moder American, however, so litle Values his or her fieedom that, when called to serve on ajury, secks to be excused trom service, on the grounds of more pressing duties or activites, “I devoted the last 40 years of my life co serving the ‘cause of freedom in Ameria; millions at that time and since ‘have given their lives to preserve these freedoms and berties ‘And yet, the Modern American is so ungrateful for these sac. ‘ices tha he is usually too basy to sit on a jury! As a result, there is no longer any such thing as a jury of one's peers— unless your peers happen to be uneducated, idle people who ddo not have anything better to do wih their me! “Freedom involves more than rights. For every right, theresa responsiblity. None ofthe Bil of Rights can be sus: tained asa guardian of freedom and liberty unless each citi 2en is willing and able Co do his oF her shate in acting with responsiblity. When you fil to fulfill these responsibilities, 123you give away your right-—and your feedams, Those who are lazy and irresponsible are unable to keep freedom. “The frequency by which the frst Bil of Right ‘quoted makes me think, at times, that no one has bothered to read any farther, When was the last ime you read num bers Sand 10? They state: ‘The enumeration in the Const tution of certain rights shall nt be construed to deny or dis- parage others retained by the people.” And: “The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor pro- hibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respec- tively, or to the people.” ““What does ths mean in plain English? Tt means that any power we did notspecifically convey tothe Congress can- not be assumed by them. ‘The people must make a formal assignment ofthe power it cannot be stolen from them inthe dark ofthe night, “Tn this regard, you can se the great danger of electing lawyers to serve in Congress. Having been trained to take any writen statement and invert it 0 that it can be inter- preted to mean the exact opposite of what is written, they have, over the years, found it convenient to forget to remind the citizens of this country that Congress can assume no power thatisnor specifically granted toi. And the good peo- ple of America have fllen into a deep sleep~deeper even than your own present condition —and alowed this sleight of hhand to be perpetrated upon them, “These are the reasons why I state that you have litle left of the freedom America started with 200 years ago. ‘The Shells of freedom are sill there, of course, but the substance has long ago been squandered. IFT had to hazard a guess, T would say that only 20 percent of our original lbersy remains, and perhaps only 10 percent of our freedom.” “That sounds awfully dite,” I complained. “Dire? Ofcourse it’s dine. Do you want the truth ~ or do you want the comfort of falsehoods and flactery? The ‘ruth of the matter, my dear fiend, i that in Modem Amer= ica, you do not any longer even have the freedom ta fart “I beg your pardon?” “Yousce what Imean? Youve in a sanitized sociecy— Society that isso alraid of offending anyone that it i no longer possible to speak freely, a society that is so determined to prevent any kind of harm that it denis all libery to everyene, “Ifone toy out of a million manufactured chances to injure a child, that roy is immediately banned from produce tion, even though 999,999 other children have found joy in playing with i “Ifone person out often million i oflended by a joke fra comment made by a public offical, that offical is cone demned and in all likelihood hounded out of public office, notwithstanding all of the sactifces and good works he or she may have performed over the years “fone person out of one hundred million i disturbed by the idea of capital punishment, then heaven forbid that wwe should use the gallows or the gas chamber, lest, that one individual should have indigestion, and all he ret of wr should be vesponsible jr i “This lase spring, when a hurricane devastated the (Carolinas, all you could lear on the news were people com- Plaining about how long ittook the government to take care ‘of them. ‘There was no debate as to whether it was the role ‘of government to provide this relief, oF wnether they should accept it—just a blanket condemnation that it was slow in forthcoming “In my day, we held tha che best government was the ‘one that did as litle as possible, leaving everything ese tothe 1245 S125citizens todo for themselves. Your modem day has reversed ‘his philosophy, s0 that you believe tha the best government is the one that does as much as possible, leaving litle forthe citizenty to do on their own, “Please don't misunderstand me—I am as much in {favor of disaster reliefas anyone. Butin my day, the citizens formed private societies to deal with these problems, so that the government would not be tempted to sick ts nose where idide' belong. Chelped form fre companies, libraries, and relief societies, and not 2 ane involved the government. So Thknow it can be done, “You are weleome to your modem philosophy, al- though F would detest having to live by it But you must realize that auch a philosophy can only be implemented at the expense of freedom and liberty. In the land of the free land the home ofthe brave, the citizens govern themselves as ‘much as posible, When they are no longer willing todo %0, they trade in freedom and liberty for security and comfort ‘This isthe fundamental difference between the America of 200 years ago and the America of today. And this is why Tsay you no longer have the freedom even to far. “In my day, we were not afraid to fart—or talk about it, We were not afraid to take rss, either, We did not en- vision a country where everyone was protected from every possible ham; quite the opposite, we envisioned a country ‘where everyonehad every posible chance to succeed. Some- ‘where along the way, I guess, we have los the courage o fat. “The Moder American cannot tolerate anything that is not squeaky clean, whether itis body odor, the smell of garbage, or language. You spend millions of dollars every year on deodorants, mouth rinses, and perfunes, so that you do not have to face the unpleasant smells of life. And if someone should happen to fart in your fae, either literally 126 = or figuratively, you would run immediately for the nearest can of room deadorizer. “This is how you handle the unpleasantries of lie, as well, You mask them, so they will not offend you, But in doing so, you have given up your freedoms andliberties, and ‘his ought to offend you. Itstnks to high heaven, and I Low whereof I speak, because high heaven happens to be my present home, “For this reason, Iam petitioning you, my good friend, to speak on my behalf. When you awakea from this Gream, putddown what Thave said, and make it the final piece in your callecon, “Tell Modern America everything Thave sad, then add this mci at the ends "My brediren and countrymen, ify cherish freedom and lbery, you are going to have to learn to fart. You are song to have to get t0 the point where the comforts and securities ofl are no longer suficient exchange for you loss of freedom, Stop running to the government to protect yo fiom every possible calamity. Take on the responsibilities ‘of human living for yourself, and wll the government to get out of your let “The only tool of the average ciizen—and itis a ce ‘mendous tool, when wielded with determination-—is to take Possession of your voice and start decrying the los of freedom in this country, Write 1 your representatives and tel diem ‘that you want the government wo give back the feeedosns they have sclen from us. Write tothe papers, asd tell them dist freedom of the pres isn’t worth a nickel unless it serves the people. Speak freely wo your friends and colleagues, ati awaken them to the loss of freedom in this nation “And when you are criticized, as you willbe, rec Your erties that you have the right to speak your mind) AndNL if they shout you down, as they probably will, then inform diem that since they insist on being asses, you will Thenceforth communicate with them with the appropri ane part of your own anatomy. And turing to face them from the posterior, let them know where you stand. Let every fart count asa peal of thunder for lberty. Let every fart remind the nation of how much ic has let pass out of| its. control. “ei a small gesture, but one that can be very effec tive—especially in a large crowd. So fart, and if you must, fart often. But always fare without apology. “Fan for freedom, fat for liberty~and fart proudly.”