Eliza

Kaye Foster
COMM 2110
Relation Change Project

My goal for my personal change project was to not be as codependent, and more specifically, to
not excessively apologize for things that are out of my control in my conversations with others. In
the past I would say “sorry” too often to those around me, which would create frustration. The
overblown apologies were often a reaction to save face or control others emotions. This created a
loss of trust concerning my sincerity.

Unwanted Communication Pattern:

In many situations, I will jump to the conclusion that others are upset with me. I also often
apologize for things that I do not have control over. I have had several experiences where I will act
in accordance to how I believe others are feeling. I also do not always act appropriately because I
try to control others or safe face.

Here are two examples:

• One situation occurred while I was working at my previous job. Our team was converting
information from one online course to another. We had just started a new project and the
data that needed to be transferred as well as the HTML corrections were unlike the project
we had completed before. I had many questions and continued to ask the same individual
on my team for answers. My apologies were unceasing. Finally, he spoke up and questioned
my compulsive use of “sorry”. I explained that I felt I was inconveniencing him with my
multitude of questions. He then assured me that he was more than happy to assist and that
my apologies were more frustrating than anything else. In this situation, what I believed to
be frustrating or inconvenient was not at all. The fact that I apologized over and over was
the reasoning for my coworker’s annoyance with me.

• A situation in which codependent behavior took place was while I was with my roommate.
I was searching the kitchen for something to eat. Then, it caught my eye. Homemade ice
cream! I was very excited and went to ask my roommate if I was able to have some. She
seemed a bit flustered and finally expressed that any food in the house was “free game”.
She went on to suggest that if she did not want me to eat something, it would be made
known. Now, the reason my roommate was a bit more annoyed than normal was because
this was not a one-time event. I had asked this same question several times. I created
frustration and had offended by roommate by asking permission for things that she was
happy to and expected that she would be sharing.

In both of these situations, I expected the worst. I felt that I was inconveniencing others. Because
of this, I apologized or asked permission for simple things that were not expected.

Strategies:

To receive the most benefit from this project, I planned to apply communication strategies. I was
able to apply more strategies as I worked to change my poor communication habit.

The first strategy I will apply will help me follow the rhythm of the conversation I am having and
respond accordingly. Apologizing when it does not follow the rhythm of the conversation can
create uncertainty (Beebe, 2008, p. 155). The Words Make and Break Relationships strategy will
assist me in knowing how to respond appropriately in conversations I am having with others. If I
had followed this strategy in the situations above, the outcomes would not be negative.

The second strategy I will apply is being aware of polarizing (managing misunderstandings)
extremes (Beebe, 2008, p. 161). Being Aware of Polarizing Either-Or Extremes instead of jumping
to conclusions that others are upset will help me to better access the situations I am in. I often
believe the worst-case scenario will play out in each situation. Applying this strategy will give me
the opportunity to stay level headed. If I had used this strategy in the situations above, I would
understand that no one was upset with me and I wouldn’t be in trouble for my actions.

My third strategy to apply is empathizing rather than automatically apologizing to save face
(Beebe, 2008, p. 168). Empathizing Rather Than Remain Detached will not be only an automatic
response but truly heartfelt. When I apologized over and over to my coworker, it was to save face.
I did not want to annoy him. If I had emphasized with him, I would have understood that he was
happy to help. He wanted everyone on our team to do well and wanted to teach others if they did
not understand. While applying this strategy, I can try to put myself in another’s position instead
of acting without understanding their feelings first.

Another strategy I will practice is effective apologies (Beebe, 2008, p. 172-173). Knowing How to
Apologize can repair relational damage. Giving an effective apology includes: being honest and
sincere, acknowledging the offending of the individual was wrong, not always apologizing
immediately, and understanding how the action or word has hurt the other person. Sometimes I
apologize almost immediately after offending another. When I do this, the apology does not seem
as sincere and can make the other person become even more upset. Using this strategy with
Empathizing Rather Than Remaining Detached (Beebe, 2008, p. 168) can help me determine the
optimal time to wait before offering an apology.

The last strategy I will apply is Solving Problems Rather Than Control (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond,
2017, p. 167). This is a huge issue concerning my codependent behavior. I try to control people
and situations. This can be very frustrating for others, especially when they identify that I am
doing it. If I practice solving problems rather than controlling others or the situation, I will allow
others to be their most genuine selves. It will also relief unneeded stress, that I create.

Constraints:

A constraint that I experienced while attempting to change my poor communication behavior was
expecting the worst to happen in many of my communications with others. Even when I tried to
consciously acknowledge that I was not in the wrong, I still often felt obligated to apologize for
things. Apologizing or feeling pressure to correct things out of my control has been an automatic
response for me in the past. This was very difficult to try to identify things, which I should feel
sorry for, or things that I could not control and things that were not bad at all.

Another constraint I had while practicing these strategies was allowing time to pass before
apologizing. When I make a mistake or offend someone, I often immediately can sense the
uneasiness. Sometimes I will apologize before time has passed and both parties are able to think
and feel. If I do this, the apology can feel very insincere. I struggled with allowing time to pass
before approaching a person and expressing not only that I am sorry but defining the reason.


Implementation:

As I started implementing these strategies, I was not very successful. It was often after an
interaction would occur that I would access what strategies could have been used to avoid
excessive reparation. This in its own way was very beneficial. I was able to review my mistakes
and learn how to approach communication better. Learning from my failures and reflecting
assisted me when I apologized to my supervisor for something that I did not need to. It allowed me
to empathize more with others and not polarize extremes as often.

In an instance with my supervisor at work, I had been called over to his desk to discuss an action I
took on an associate’s account. I immediately apologized and as we conversed, realized that he had
only been curious why I made the changes on the individual’s account. In this situation, an apology
was not needed or even expected. A question was simply being asked.

I had not followed the rhythm of the conversation and jumped to conclusions that my supervisor
was upset with me. In Melody Beattie’s novel Codependent No More she suggests, “Usually things
have far less to do with us than we think” (p. 69). I expected the worst in this situation. By doing
this, I created discomfort for both parties. Though I did not implement a strategy in this situation,
the reflection was very beneficial moving forward. Future encounters with my supervisor did not
begin with an apology that he did notice and applauded me for.

On the topic of work, another situation where I was able to implement these communication
strategies was while in a chat with an associate. The woman I was chatting with was becoming
increasing upset. She had not received an order for her new enrollment and felt she was getting
the run around because everyone she had talked to told her to speak to another person. She
wanted her new customer to have a good first experience and did not want the undelivered
package to reflect badly on herself. At first, I apologized but did not necessarily do so with
sincerity. I was trying to quickly resolve this woman’s concerns so that I would be able to move on
to the next associate. We were very busy on this day and I did not know who she was.

After a while the chat began to escalate. I then decided to apply a good communication strategy. I
tried to emphasize with this woman. I took a deep breath and stopped typing. I did my best to put
myself in her situation. In doing so, I understood the frustration. I was then able to resolve the
issue with more confidence and clarity. I was also able to build rapport with this woman. She
could tell that I truly did care about her situation and wanted to make it right in any way I was
able. By the end of our chat, “Thank you for your patience and help resolving this,” was her
 response. She then rated my chat well and commented that I was very helpful. Empathizing with
this woman allowed me to think clearly and become calm. The outcome of applying
communication strategies was very beneficial in this situation.



Results:

While working on this project, I have seen a substantial change in my communication with others.
I have also had others comment on the change. I feel this project has also helped me be less
codependent.
That is the problem: we are reacting without thinking—without honest thought about what
we need to do, and how we want to handle the situation. Our emotions and behaviors are
being controlled—triggered—by everyone and everything in our environment. We are
indirectly allowing others to tell us what to do. That means we have lost control. We are
being controlled (Beattie, 1992, p. 68).
I feel like I after applying these strategies I am able to act instead of react, handle situations better,
be aware of when it is appropriate to apologize, and know what I can and cannot control. I will
continue to use these strategies to become a better communicator.

Recommendations:

I would like to continue using these strategies going forward. I feel they have been very successful
and have allowed me to better my relationships with others. I would very specifically like to
continue not polarizing extremes, as this is still very difficult for me. I believe the strategies I have
used have been beneficial and would like to continue perfecting these before implementing new
ones.

Works Cited:

Beattie, Melody. (1992). Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring
for Yourself. [Center City, MN]: Hazelden.

Beebe, S. A. (2017). Interpersonal Communication . In Relating to Others (pp. 126-129, 132, 226,
229-230). Pearson.