Combine into one simple paragraph.

Make it BRIEF, just enough to paint a

picture. Less is more. And I would start by describing the scene from Devin's
This should be in the point of view.. him sitting alone and what he watches. This would put the reader
ALAN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY in his shoes and might sound more personal.
title. An example of
wasted space, and EXT. - BACKYARD - NIGHT
making the reader
read more than he
needs. An 18th birthday party for ALAN. Lights, lots of people, a
small dance area, people conversing. A table of alcoholic
beverages. Music is loud.

The camera focuses on a solitary boy DEVIN. He holds a water

Lazy character bottle, looks back and forth between his shoes and the
description (the party.
second time is okay) Avoid writing things
A pretty girl TORI walks toward him. DEVIN is unaware. that arn't necessary. If
it works without it, and
doesn't add anything,
She empties the contents of her cup onto his shoe. take it out.

DEVIN I hate swearing in scripts. This is off-putting and

(angrily) unnecessary. You don't need it and it tarnishes the
Hey, what the fuck- character, as little and innocent as it may be

He looks at her and sees that instead of a douchebag the

perpetrator is a pretty girl.
He gives a smirk, but is still a little peeved.
Again, unnecessary.
DEVIN All my crossouts are
Whats your deal? just stuff I don't
like -- so it's gonna
TORI impact alot
Oh, the wallflower looked a little
wilted, so I decided to water it.
Isn't he offended by being called a wallflower?
DEVIN Why not have him say 'I'm not a wallflower' with
Haha, very funny. her reaction,'yeah you are'. It creates connection
He reaches down and wipes the liquid off with two fingers.
He sniffs them.
DEVIN
What kind of flower thrives on 90 The dialogue is where you kinda lost
proof alcohol? me here, but that's subjective.
How does he know it's 90 proof alchol?
She points at the water bottle in his hand. He's only 18 and he doesn't even
drink lol
I'm not a big fan TORI
of 'the character Well, it looks like water isnt
laughs.' Cause doing the trick so I had to try
if it's funny something else. experimented. I'd have her say,
the reader is "Why are you sitting
DEVIN smiles, thinks of a rebuttal. by yourself." Here
gonna laugh
anyway. Make
sure when DEVIN
you add in the Did it ever occur to you that some Probably the best line in the script
descriptions flowers thrive in certain climates But I would say it differently.
they don't mess and dont fair so well in others?
with the flow.
That's why I
make them (CONTINUED)
short, and only
if they're
necessary.
 CONTINUED: 2.
I'm being picky here,
but just say
something else lol
TORI When do they introduce eachother?
Maybe she sits Enlighten me.
down and says 'I'm
They havn't yet Did you just google this? Seems
listening." really out of place and ungenuine.
DEVIN
Take the arctic poppy for instance.But whatever-- this is the theme
Maybe, it might not do so well in of the story in my opinion,
the jungle, but put it in the so you can't ignore it. Maybe you
tundra and it grows just fine. could replace the poppy seeds
expertise and replace it with some
Beat. Tori starts to circle DEVIN. more native knowledge, like
garden trivia, and then explain how
TORI he knows this. Talk about this
this is fine, but don't hobby more. And expand it.
say jungle... say But what if by some strange
something else... circumstance it does find itself in
like desert the jungle? This is the theme of the story
and you're building his character
DEVIN
yeah it could. if Well, that could never happen. But you gotta have Tori point out
im suppose to and tease him for knowing so much
relate to the useless knowledge, like calling him
character i TORI
gotta think like But what if it does? Is it supposed 'flowerboy', or something.
him too. and if to just die, or is it going to...
he says adapt? Cause that's what the audience is
something that thinking if you just brush it off
i dont agree
with im not Beat. She puts her hand on his shoulder and looks into his
gonna relate to eyes. She leans in and he leans in too with his eyes closed. huh??? I don't kno
him what's going on
She disengages and walks over to the table. She pours and why she's
alcohol into a cup. She walks back over to DEVIN. doing it. she
doesn't have to
TORI get up. just have
her pour some
Here, drink this. beer in a cup and
have him drink it.
DEVIN turns away.
' I don't really drink is so cliche.'
you dont want to
waste the
you have little opportunities like
audiences time
this to make a joke here. DEVIN
No thanks, I dont really drink.
I don't wanna get arrested.
I don't trust you.
TORI
or something else that adds Come on. Are you gonna sit here...
character and doesn't make him or are you gonna adapt?
so undimensional
Her: You gonna' sit there... or are
DEVIN you gonna adapt... grow... evolve.
Alright.
Him: Evolution takes millions of
He drinks and struggles to put it down. years

TORI
Whoo!
DEVIN
That tasted awful.

(CONTINUED)
 CONTINUED: 3.

TORI
Come on you baby, that was the easy
stuff. Lets get a few more in you
and then we can really start to
party.

The rest of the partygoers take notice and all raise their
cups to DEVIN. He takes multiple shots and everything begins
to blur.
[BLACK]
I'm not gonna nitpit
this because it's
fine. You're DEVIN
describing the WHOOOO!
scene, but just
make sure you
leave out any
The scene returns and the music is even louder. Shown
unncessary writing through a long shot, the party is more raucous than before.
All I saw was 'the DEVIN is in the thick of it. He talks it up with many
scene returns' which
doesn't make any
people, violently emerges from a jacuzzi, and thrashes on
sense to me the dance floor.
As he dances, the music becomes more distorted and intense.
Tori sees DEVIN being the life of the party and walks over.
They lean in to kiss but dont quite touch lips.
EXT. - SCHOOL - DAY
Like this... it's paints a
picture but its not "WOW!" DEVIN walks across campus with headphones in. Tori creeps up
It's very robotic, one- behind him and taps his back. He turns around surprised.
dimensional writing.

Johnny does this, Patrick TORI Call him flowerboy... cause when I read wallflower
does this. Michael is Hey wallflower. all I can think of is the book/movie
surprised.

There are other ways you

DEVIN
can write this stuff... Oh, hey Tori.
Is there a better reaction than this?
"In a crowded hallway, TORI
DEVIN listens to music on
his route between
Im surprised youre still alive
classes. TORI, seeing an after Saturday night.
Why is he embarrassed?
opportunty to surpise him,
carefully creeps from DEVIN
behind. '
I know, that was so embarrassing.
Avoid describing people's
emotions... like I said it TORI
doesn't add anything to No! What are you talking about? You
the story.
were incredible.
DEVIN stares in disbelief.

(CONTINUED)
 CONTINUED: 4.

DEVIN
Incredible?
TORI ALL
Everyone thought you were the life
NOTE: of the party! THIS
This scene right now is filler...
it's has no real relevance other
DEVIN IS
Oh...really?
than to get from A-to-B. And if
you read it out, you're gonna WAY
have a less than a minute scene. TORI
Think about how that affects the
flow once you actually film it. It's
Yes! You were dancing and cracking TOO
funny jokes. Everyone loved you.
going to feel very fast and very
out of place. 60 seconds CLICHE
DEVIN
Maybe change the time when
this happens, like maybe it's an
(smiling)
hour before the party, They did? I cant really Dancing? I don't remember dancing.
afterschool, and lengthen it more remember...
to have a walk and talk dialogue.
But it has to be longer. AND- the
whole 'talking around campus
TORI
this' is something I've seen a Yes! Like, why are you so quiet all
thousand times and there are the time? Youre so much more fun
plenty of interesting places you when youre drunk! I wouldn't assosciate his fun personality
could film this. Writing it in
different settings might also with drinking. Maybe just have her
spark some additional dialogue. DEVIN compliment that 'you're a fun guy-
(disheartened) you' just need to loosen up' sort of dialogue.
Think about the flow of the short Yeah, I guess so.
(like how in the Dark Knight
Rises it changes from night to
day in seconds- it seems odd- TORI
and this is the same thing. Night Anyway, this Friday Sharons having
to day in seconds. a little get together at her place,
and after that performance Saturday
night, you have to go.
DEVIN
Alright, will do. Will you there
be, you know... alcohol?
Beat. TORI bites her lip and begins to walk in another
direction. She pinches his butt.

TORI
Whats a party without it?
DEVIN gives a nervous half smile.

[BLACK]
 5.
Combine all this
shit into one
paragraph. 4 INT. - HOUSE - NIGHT
sentences
that's all you get
A shot glass is slammed on the table.
This is good writing
Alcohol is poured into it.
The glass is raised to a face cut off at the nose, showing
just the mouth so the identity is ambiguous.

The sequence is rhythmic. SLAM, POUR, GULP. SLAM, POUR, GULP

etc.
After the fifth one we see DEVINs face staring intently at
a full shot glass.

The scene is shown, with six people gathered around a table.

The music blares, of a darker mood than the last party.
DEVIN is seated, removed from the conversation.
TORI
Hey guys, what are we gonna do? Are
we just gonna sit here and talk or
are we gonna play a game?
JAKE
Spin the bottle?

TORI
Ooo, thats a good one.
ALAN
Come on, thats a kids game. We
dont even have a finished bottle.
TORI
What, just because you turned
eighteen before us not a week ago
youre too old to play spin the
bottle? Come on.
JAKE
Hey guys everyone take a swig.

They pass the bottle around and when it gets to DEVIN he

hesitates.
TORI
Come on Devin, loosen up, take a
drink. We cant play if we dont
have an empty bottle
DEVIN leans his head back and gulps some down. Everyone
gives a little cheer. TORI gives DEVIN a slight smile.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.

They begin to play the game. They start with the person next
to Tori going opposite her direction so that she is the last
person to spin.
DEVIN is getting delirious. His heads starts to spin along
with the bottle.
JAKE kisses TORI on JAKEs turn.
TORI spins the bottle. It lands on DEVIN. She leans in for
the small kiss but DEVIN grabs her shoulders and begins to
smother her.
TORI pulls back. Everyone is shocked.
TORI
DEVIN, what the fuck was that?

DEVIN
I- I-
DEVIN runs out of the room. The people in the room look
curiously.

EXT. - DIFFERENT BACKYARD - NIGHT

DEVIN opens the door to the backyard and walks out.
He sees a flower pot and throws it against the back wall. It
smashes and the flower lays limp on the ground. Soil is
everywhere.
INT. - HOUSE - NIGHT
The people in the house hear the loud smash.

TORI runs and exits to find DEVIN.

EXT. - DIFFERENT BACKYARD - NIGHT
DEVIN starts to vomit. When he is done, he sits on a chair.

TORI opens the door to join DEVIN. He is sniffling.

They sit in silence staring at the ground.

SHARON walks through the door.

SHARON
Devin, whatever you fucking broke
you better fix because my parents
are coming back-

(CONTINUED)
 CONTINUED: 7.

TORI turns to SHARON and holds up a finger to be quiet. TORI

motions to SHARON to go back inside.
They sit in silence again.
DEVIN walks over to the broken pot and holds the remains in
his hands. Remorse spreads through his face.
TORI walks over to DEVIN with another pot. She takes the
flower and places it in the pot and adds the soil.

DEVIN smiles at TORI

They walk back over to a table with a red Solo cup in the
middle. TORI removes the cup and puts the replanted flower
in the empty space.

They walk back into the house.

The flower sits on the table.
[BLACK]
Most original and best line: 'some flowers thrive in certain climates and other's dont'

* Include a title page. Also, I'd change the title 'cause it's not really mentioned anywhere. Maybe
call it 'Flowerboy', cause 'Wallflower' is pretty much taken.

Overall:
I'm not sure how attached you are to this story, or why I spent so much time analyizing it.
But it's going to be hard to make it successful short, because the story is only as good as the actors playing it.

The dialogue is okay I guess, but the concepts and themes that are mentioned don't really
dive too deep... they're just pierce the surface. For exmaple, all the lines are less than 2
sentences. I'm having a conversation with you right now and it's 4 times that.

Wyo gotta' ask yourself, "What makes this script so good in comparison to all the other
scripts written?"

Also - it's dangerously close to The Perks of Being a Wallflower, so you have to be very
conscious of that. It's not a bad thing, just think about how you can make it different.
I didn't get to the spin the bottle part... until about 2/3 into my edits... and honestly, you gotta'
change that scene. Because I'm pretty sure they do spin the bottle in that movie, or truth or dare.

Don't abandon the idea, just make it better. Find what's original about this story and rewrite the whole thing.
You know you have a good story, when you can tell it multiple ways. Change the setting, and even the ages.
You have a lot to play around with. But I'd suggest sticking with the same story and just fooling around with it

In Summary:

#1) Keep the description parts short and sweet, and don't write more than needed.
Keep the flow'.
#2) Don't write things like, 'Devin laughs.' Cause if I don't laugh, it's gonna' immediately
kill my interest. In fact, I would just leave all that stuff out.
#3) Have more people read this, and work on the script.

Cheers