play is for‘Sure Thing was first presented at the Manhattan Punch Line Theatre (Steve Kaplan, artistic director) in New York City is February 1988. It was directed by Jason McConnell Buzas; the set design was by Stanley A. Meyer; costume design was by chael S. Schler; lighting design was by Joseph R. Morley. cast was as follows i Robert Stanton serty Nancy Opel twenties, is reading at a café table. An BILL, same age, enters aut: Oh. Sorry. serry: Sure thing. (A bell rings softy) sntt: Excuse me. Is this chair taken? perry: Excuse me? this taken? nerry: No, but I'm expecting somebody in a minute. s1tt: Oh, Thanks anyway. perry: Sure thing. (A bell rings softy) amt: Excuse me. Is this chair taken? nerry: No, but I'm expecting somebody very shortly. su: Would you mind ifT sit here till he or she or it comes? erry (glances at her watch): They do seem to be pretty late su: You never know who you might be turning down, erry: Sorry. Nice try, though.6 Att iw THe Timine sit: I was lying, I never really went to college. I just like to party. (Bell) erry: Where was college? put: Harvard, erty: Do you like Faulkner? But1: i love Faulkner. I spent a whole winter reading him once. BETTY: I've just started, BILL: I was so excited after ten pages that I went out and bought everything else he wrote. One of the greatest reading expe- riences of my life. I mean, all chat ineredible psychological understanding, Page after page of gorgeous prose. His pro- found grasp of the mystery of time and human existence. The smells of the earth ... What do you think? Berry: I think it's pretty boring, (Bell) BILL: What's the book? Berry: The Sound and the Fury. pit: Ob! Faulkner! erty: Do you like Faulkner? suit: I love Faulkner. serry: He's incredible. BILL: I spent a whole winter reading him once. BETTY: I was so excited after ten pages that I went out and bought everything else he wrote. ut: All that incredible psychological understanding Berry: And the prose is so gorgeous. Sune Taino uit: And the way he's grasped the mystery of time— J I've waited this perry: —and human existence. I can't believ« Jong to read him. ‘pm: You never know. You might not have liked him before. perry: That's true gu: You might not have been ready for him. You have to hit these things at the right moment or it’s no good erty: That's happened to me nit: Ie’ all in the timing, (Small pause.) My name's Bill, by the way perry: I'm Betyy. put: Hi erry: Hi. (Small pause.) gut: Yes I thought reading Faulkner was .. a great experience. perry: Yes. (Small pause.) sui: The Sound and the Fury... Another small pause.) perry; Well. Onwards and upwards. (She goes back to her book.) px: Waiter—? (Bell) “You have to hit these things at the right moment or it’s no good. perry: That's happened to me piu: It's all in the timing. My name's Bill, by the way. perry: I'm Betty. aut: Hi. perry: Hi8 Au ww tHe TH sit: Do you come in here a lot? erry: Actually I'm just in town for two days from Pakistan, su: Oh, Pakistan. (Bell) My name's Bill, by the way. berry: I'm Betty. But: Hi. Berry: Hi, ‘aut: Do you come in here a lot? Betty: Every once in a while. Do you? sitt: Not so much anymore. Not as much as I used to. Before my nervous breakdows (Bell.) Do you come in here a lot? Berry: Why are you asking? ‘iit: Just interested, BETTY: Are you really interested, me up? or do you just want to pick Bit: No, I'm really interested, setry: Why would you be interested in whether I come in here alot? Bint: I'm just .. . getting acquainted. nerry: Maybe you're only interested for the sake of making small talk long enough to ask me back to your place to listen to some music, or because you've just rented this great tape for your VCR, or because you've got some terrific un ° Suse Tune known Django Rein! do is fuck—which you'll go into the bathroom ai into the kitchen without asking you'll proceed to You've gota giifiend named S al school in Belgium for a year, with her—off and on—in what you'll call a very P en YEARS. None of put: Okay. (Be Do you come in here a lot? perry: Every other day ait: I come in here quite a lot t remember seeing, Berry: I guess we must be on different schedules. BILL: Missed connections. aerty: Yes. Different time zones ant: Amazing how you can live right next door to somebody in this town and never even know it erty: I know. au: City life Berry: It's crazy ly pass each other in the street every day. Right is place, probably10 ALL IW tHe Trine BILL (looks arownd): Well the waiters here sure seem to be in some different time zone. I can't seem to locate one any- where. . . . Waiter! (He looks back.) So what do you— (He sees that she’s gone back to her book.) erry: I beg pardon? suit: Nothing. Sorry Berry: I guess we must be on different schedules, BILL: Missed connections. serty: Yes. Different time zones. BILL: Amazing how you can live right next door to somebody in this town and never even know it. Berry: I know. erry: Actually I was, But: Ob. Boyfriend? BETTY: Sort of. suit: What's a sort-of boyfriend? erry: My husband, itt: Ab-ha. ) You weren't waiting for somebody when I came in, were Sune THING perry: Actually I was. pit: Oh. Boyfriend? erty: Sort of. put: What's a sort-of boyfriend? perry: We were meeting here to break up. pnt: Mm-hm ) ‘What's a sort-of boyfiend? erty: My lover. Here she comes right now! (Bel.) aut: You weren't waiting for somebody when I cam berry: No, just reading. 1: Sort of a sad occupation for a Friday night all by yourself? nerry: Do you think so? But: Well sure. I mean, wh: 1g woman like you doing out alone on a Friday night? serry: Trying to keep away from lines like that. You weren't waiting BILL: Sort of a sad occupation for a Friday night, ing here all by yourself?2 Aut IN THE TimiNG erty: I gu na way. a good-looking woman like you doing « on a Friday night anyway? No offense, but e first time in a very erty: You see, I just recently ended a relationship. BILL: Oh, perry: Of rather I sui: Big chance es gel erry: Thanks anyway. itt: Okay appreciate Sure ¢ You weren't waiting for somebody when I came in, were you? serrv: No, just reading pitt: Sort of a sad occupation for a Friday night, isn’t it? Read- ing here all by yourself? perry: I guess I was trying to think ofit as existentially romantic. You know—cappuccino, great literature, rainy night .. pitt: That only works in Paris. We could hop the late plane to Paris. Get on a Concorde. Find a café srry: I'ma little short on plane fare tonight. ‘sm: Dam it, so am 1 gerry: To tell you the truth, I was headed to the movies after I finished this section, Would you like to come along? Since pitt: That's a very nice offer, but srry: Uh-huh. Girlfriend? aut: Two, actually. One of them's pregnant, and Stephanie— berry: Girlfiend? have a gitlfriend, Not if you mean the castrat- berry: Girlftiend? BILL: Sort of. Sort of, nerry: What's a sort-of gilftiend? suit: My mother. (Bell.) I just ended a relationship, actually“ AU in ras Tauiwe Berry: Oh, suit: Of rather long standing, erry: I'm som to hear it 1ut: This is my first night out alone in a long time. I feel alittle it at sea, to tell you the truth, BETTY: So you didn’t stop to talk because you're a Moonie, or you have some weird politic suit: Nope. Straight-down-the-ticket Republican. (Bell. Straight-down-the-ticket Democrat (Ball) Can I tell you something about politics? (Bell) like to think of myself a a citizen of the universe. (Bell) 'm unafiiated Berry: Thats a relief. So am nuit; I vote my belie erry: Labels are not important. ‘butt: Labels are not important, exactly. Take me, for example. I mean, what does it matter if I had a two-point at— (Bell) three-point at— (Bell) four-point at college? Or if I did come from Pittsburgh: (Bell.) Cleveland— (Bel.) Westchester County? serry: Sure. amt: I believe that a man is what he is. (Bell.) A person is what he is. (Bell) A person is . .. what they are. BETTY: I think so too. siti: So what if I admire Trotsky? (Bell) ‘So what if I once had a total-body liposuction? (Bell) So what if 1 don’t have a penis? (Bell.) So what ifI spent a year in the Peace Corps? I was acting on my convictions. berry: Sure suit: You just can’t hang a sign on a person. erry; Absolutely. Ill bet you're a Scorpio. (Many bells ring.) Listen, I was headed to the movies after I finished this sec tion, Would you like to come along?16 Auton THE Trine itt: That sounds like fan. What's playing? erry: A couple of the really early Woody Allen movies. itt: Oh. berry: You don’t like Woody Allen? itt: Sure. I like Woody Allen. erry: But you're not crazy about Woody Allen. iLL: Those early ones kind of get on my nerves berry: UI (Bell) BILL: Y'know I was headed to the— Berry wcously): I was thinking about— aut: I'm sorry erty: No, go ahead, Iwas headed to the movies in alittle itt: The Woody Allen festival? BETTY: Just up the street ILL: Do you like the early ones? erry: I think anybody who doesn’t ought to be run off the planer. butt: How many times have you seen Bananas? berry: Eight times. bit: Twelve. So are y erry: Do you like Entenmann’s crumb cake . . .? Sune Tiuse ‘pnt; Last night I we you have an perry: Three suit: Two gir serry: Harvard, V sunt: And will you love erry: Yes suit: And cherish me forev erry: Yes mut; Do you 10 go to the movies? erry: Sure th BILL AND BETTY ): Wa BLACKOUTWend, Wards, Words was ist present , Word was fit presented at the Manhatan Punch Line Theatre (Steve Kaplan, artist vate in nary 1987. Iwas directed by Fred Sande the was by Jane Clark; costume design was by Michal 8. Sele lighting design was by Mark Di Quin, The ca wa foe MILTON Warren Kt swirt Christopher Fields KAPKA Helen Greenberg Lights come up on three monkeys pecking away at three typewriters Behind them, a tie swing is hanging. The monkeys are named mit TON, SWIFT, and KAFKA. KAKA is a girl-monkey. (They shouldn’t be in monkey suits, by the way, Instead, they wear the sort of litle-kid dlthes thet chimps wearin circuses: white shirts and bow ties for the boys, a flouncy litle dress for KAPKA.) They type for a few moments, ‘each at his own speed. Then MILTON runs excitedly around the flor on his knuckles, swings onto the tre swing, leaps back onto his stool, and “goes on typing. KAFKA eats a banana thoughtfully. Swarr pounds his ‘chest and shows his teeth, then goes bac to typing swirr: I don’t know. I just don’t know. xarxa: Quiet, please. I'm trying to concentrate here. (She types a moment with her toes.) Mitton: Okay, so what've you got? swirt: Me? anton: Yeah, have you hit anything? Let's hear it. swirr (reads what he's typed): “Ping drobba fit fit fit inglewarp carcinoma.” That's as far a8 I got. KAPKA: I like the ft fit ft.” mutton: Yeah. Kind of onomatopoeic. swirr: I don’t know. Feels to me like it needs some punching up, MILTON: You can always throw in a few jokes later on, You gotta get the throughline first swirt: But do you think it's Hamlet? mmcton: Don’t ask me. I'm just a chimp.2 Aut in THE Timane KAPKA: They could've given us a clue or something. swirr: Yeah. Ora story conference. MILTON: But that'd defeat the whole purpose of the experiment, swirt; I know, I know, I know. Three monkeys typing into infinity will sooner or later produce Hamlet. Mitton: Right swirr: Completely by chance. matron: And Dr. David Rosenbaum up in that booth is going to prove it, vier: But what is Hamlet? Micron: I don’t know. SWIFT (to KAFKA): What is He karka: I don’t know. (Silence.) swirr (dawning realization): You know—this is real MILTON: Have you got something better to do in this cage? The sooner we produce the goddamn thing, the sooner we get out. KAKA: Sort of publish or perish, with a twist swirr; But what do we owe this Rosenbaum? A guy who stands ouitside those bars and tells people, “That one’s Milton, that one’s Swift, and that one’s Kafka” —? Just to get a laugh? KAPKA: What's a Kafka anyway? Why am I a Kafka? swirr: Search me. Kapka: What's a Kafka? wit: All his four-eyed friends sure think it’s a stitch. KaFKA: And how are we supposed to write Hamlet if we don’t ‘even know what it is? Worps, Woxps, Worps pntt0N: Okay, okay, so the chances are a litte slim. swirr: Yeah—and this from a guy who's supposed to be smart? ‘This from a guy at Columbia University? mtos: The way I figure it, there is a Providence that oversees ‘our pages, rough-draft them how we may xarka: But how about you, Milton? What've you got? avton: Let's see... (Reads.) Of Man's first disobedience, and the frait (Of that forbidden tree whose mortal taste Brought death into the—" xarca: Hey, that’s good! It’s got rhythm! It really sings! sucrow: Yeah? swirt: But is it Shakespeare? Karka: Who cares? He’s got a real voice there! swirr: Doet Dr. Rosenb: Does he care about anybody's indivi Miron: Let's look at this from Roosenbaum’s point of view fora swirt: No! He brings us in here to produce copy, then all he wants isa clean draft of somebody else's stuff. (Dumps boul of peanuts.) We're getting peanuts here, to be some- body's hack! MILTON: Writing is a mug’s game anyway, Swifty. mutton: Why not just buckle down and get the project over with? Set up a schedule for yourself. Type in the morning for a couple of hours when you're fresh, then take a break Let the old juices flow, Do a couple more hours in the after~Au. me tee Trane noon, and retire for a shot of papaya and some masturbat ‘What's the big dea swirt: Ifthis Rosenbaum was worth anything, we'd be working on word processors, not these antiques. He's lucky he could nd three who type this good, and then he treats us like those misfits at the Bronx Zoo. I mean, a tire swing? What does he take us for? MILTON: I lke the tire swing. I chink it was a very nice touch, swirr: I can’t work under these conditions! No wonder I'm producing garbage! xarka: How does the rest of yours go, Milton? macton: What, this? area: Yeah, read us some more MILTON: Blah, blah, blah “whose mortal taste Brought death into the blammagem. Bedsocks knockwursttinkerbelle.”” (Small pause.) What do you think? KAFKA: “Blammagam” is good. swirr: Well. I don’t know. MILTON: What's the matter? Is it the tone? I knew this was kind of a stretch for me. swirt: I'm just not sure it has the same expressive intensity and pungent lyricism as the first part MILTON: Well sure, it needs rewriting. What doesn’t? This is a rough draft! (A red light goes on and a buzzer sounds.) Light’s on. s, Wonns, Woaps Aeperer laps his he is eyes, MILTON puts fom, and KAKA puts her hands over her mouth so that po evil, hear no evil, speake swrer: This bie. rough her hands): Are they watching? savin: Are they watching? swnrr: I don't know, I can’t see. I have got my paws over my eyes. atton: What? aria: What isthe point ofthis? swirr: Why do they videotape our bowel movem: mavr0N: What?! sur: Light’ off, (They take their hands away) san.tow: But how are you doing, Franz? What've you got? karka ; Well... (Reads what she’s typed.) “KK KKK KKK, KKKKKKK.” swurr: What is that—postmodernism? xara: Twenty lines of that. swirt: At least it'll fuck up his data, xarxa: Twenty lines of that and I went dry. I got blocked. I felt like T was repeating myself. satrow: Do you think that that's in Hamlet? ing on branches and digging up ants, not sitting rescent lights ten hours a day!26 Au. mv rue Trane MILTON: It sure is a long way home to the gardens of sweet ‘Affica. Where lawns and level downs and flocks grazing the tender herb were sweetly interposéd KAPKA: Paradise, wasn’t it? MILTON: Lost! swirr: Lost! KArKA: Lost! 1: I'm trying to deal with some of that in this new piece here, but it's al still pretty close to the bone. wr: Just because they can keep us locked up, they think they're more powerful than we are MILTON: They are more powerful than we are, SWIFT: Just because they control the means of production, they ink they can suppress the workers. MILTON: Things are how they are. What are you going to do? swirr: Hey—how come you're always so goddamn ready t0 Justify the ways of Rosenbaum to the apes? MiLToN: Do you have a key to that door? swirr: No. Mattow: Do you have an independent food source? swirr: No, MILTON: So call me a collaborator. I happen to be a professional If Rosenbaum wants Hamlet, Vl give it a shot. Just don’t forget—we're not astrophysicist. We're not brain surgeons. We're ‘And for apes in captivity, this is not a bad gig. swirr: What's really frightening is that if we stick around this cage long enough, we're gonna evolve into Rosenbaum, KaFKA: Evolve into Rosenbaum? Worps, Worps, Worps Gener: Brosh up your Darwin, baby. We're more than ki Jess than kind. punron: Anybody got a smoke? xarka: I’m all out 7 'm not going to satis those voyeurs synrt: Don't look at me. I'm not going t ith the old smoking-chimp act. No thank you. jymron: Don’t be a sap, Swifty. You gotta use ‘em! Use the system! swirt: What do you mean? pon: Watch me, while I put my antic disposition on. (He jumps up onto his chair and scratches his sides, sreeces, makes motions, pounds his chest, jumps down smoking Sauloise, too! My fave. cigarette descends.) See what I meat (He settles back to enjo mrt: They should've thrown in a Kewpie doll for that per- formance. Mitton: It got results, didn’t it? swrrr: Sure, You do your Bonzo routine and get a Gauloise out of it. Last week I totalled a typewriter and got a whole car~ ton of Marlboros. MmtoN: The trouble was, you didn’t smoke "em, you took a crap on ‘em. swier: It was a political statement. Muton: Okay, you made your statement and I got my smoke. All's well that ends well, right? KAFKA: It's the only way we know they're watching, macro: Huh?2 Au. im tue Trmine Karka: We perform, we break typewriters, we type another page—and a cigarette appears. At least it's a sign that some. body out there is paying attention. MILTON: Our resident philosopher. nize if t passed right through our hands—but what if one of does it? MILTON: Will we really be released? Kara: Will they give us the key to the city and a tickertape parade? SWIFT: Or will they move us on to Ulysses? (They shriek in at the thought.) Why did they pick Hamlet in the first pl ‘What's Hamlet to them or they to Hamlet that we shou ‘care? Boy, there's the respect that makes calamity of s0 fe! For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, ‘oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely— matron: Hey, Swifty! swir: —the pa mi Hey, Swifty! Relax, will you? of despiséd love, the law's delay— KAPKA: Have a banana. swirr: I wish I could get Rosenbaum in here and see how he does at producing Hamlet... That's it! xarka: What? swirr: That’ it! Forget about this random Hamlet crap. What about revenge? Karka: Revenge? On Rosenbaum? swirr: Who else? Hasn't he bereft us of our homes and families? Stepped in between us and our expectations? Worps, Worps, Worps garka: How would we do it? unr: Easy. We lure him in here to look at our typewriters, test them out like something's wrong—but! we poison the type- suitr keys! nrow: Oh Jesus swirr: Sure. Some juice of curséd hebona spread liberally over the keyboard? Ought to work like a charm. nuton: Great. swirr: If that doesn’t work, we envenom the tire swing and invite him for a ride. Plus—I challenge him to a duel. yarow: Brilliant. swirr: Can’t you see it? In the course of combat, I casually graze ‘my rapier over the poisoned typewriter keys, and ( jabs) 2 hit! A palpable hie! For a reserve, we lay by a cup with some venomous distllment. We'll put the pellet with the poison in the vessel with the pestle! Maton: Listen, I gotta get back to work. The man is gonna ‘want his pages. (He rolls a fresh page into his typewriter.) aria: It's not a bad idea, but Swirr: What's the matter with you guys? I'm onto something here! KAKA: I think it’s hopeless, Switty Swirt: But ths isthe goods! Mnton: Where was I... . “Bedsocks knockwursttinkerbelle.” Karka: The readiness is all, 1 guess. Maron: Damn straight. Just let me know when that K-button_ gives out, honey.30 Aut in tee Thane swirr: Okay. You two serfs go back to work. I'l do all the thinking around here. Swifty—revengel (He paces, deep in MILTON: erbelle . . . shtuckelschwanz . . . hemorthoid.”” good. That is good. (Types.) “Sheuckel: KAFKA (types): “Act one, scene one. Elsinore Castle, Den- mark (types): “Hemorthoid.” KAFKA (types): “Enter Bernardo and Francisco.” MILTON (types): “Pomegranate.” “Bemardo says, “Who's there?” (ADK continues to type Hamlet, as) ‘THE LIGHTS FADE THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE o This play is for Robert Stanton, the first and perfect Don