Globalization Inverted
Ahmed Khaled Tawfik
The economist and public intellectual Dr. Galal Amin once wrote that
globalization typically moves in one direction that is, from the United States
to the rest of the world whereas the reverse of this scenario is limited to
the occasional Argentinian dance or Filipino dish. And to that I say, hear,
hear!
I understand that American movies and fast food were supposed to help
everyone Americanize in one way or the other. But it just really grinds my
gears when Im listening to a song or watching a movie from over there and
they get to talking about their world and the things in it, and all I can do is sit
here and try to keep my jaw from dropping.
There was this one movie in which the lead actor was talking to his friend
about how this one girl reminds me of girls from Detroit. Needless to say,
his friend knew exactly what he meant. Yeah, and we Arabs know all too
well what these Detroit girls are about, dont we, gentlemen?!
Theres this recurring bit in Western movies where the lead actor is unable to
find an olive to put in his martini. That sap! And then everybody just starts
laughing and howling. Now, to be perfectly honest, I dont know what a
martini is, and I dont know why they have to put an olive in it. If you ask me,
the only place olives belong is in my cheese sandwiches. I try to get the joke,
and I cant though that doesnt stop me from pretending that I do and
laughing along. He cant find an olive to put in his martini hah, what
a loser!
Theres another movie where the lead actor describes a girl he met as being
the kind of girl youd go out with on Thanksgiving. Now you try to get this
does this mean that the girl was really attractive? Ghoulish looking?
Pleasant? Nasty? How would you know?! And while were on the subject,
what kind of girl are you supposed to go out with on New Years, for example?
I was reading a novel once in which the narrator said, I had the feeling you
get when youve had your third Bloody Mary on a Sunday night. Yep, Im
pretty sure that feeling is universal. Weve all been there, havent we?
And then theres the New York State of Mind, which comes up often
enough. Like Im supposed to know what thats about.
Then theres this really pretty song that goes, In a bar in Toledo, across from
the depot. All the Americans are familiar with the place, but you have to
imagine what its like. And on and on it goes. The examples are endless.
Its simple, though, really, when you think about it: theyre producing these
art forms for themselves! Yeah, you dont get it, but then again who asked
you to?! If you want to enjoy their art, then you just gotta hang in there and
ride it out.
But then again: had globalization been a two-way street or, alternatively,
had we Arabs ruled the world then they would have been forced to
understand the kinds of things we say.
I can just imagine the look on that American chaps face as hes watching an
Egyptian movie and the lead actor goes, You know the Qaha entrance, right
after Qalyub? The American will understandably have trouble understanding
the reference. Meanwhile, every Egyptian knows the place and is aware of
how bad the traffic gets near the entrance to the bridge.
They might be reading an Arabic novel and theyll come across the main
character talking about how he got the feeling you get when youre with
your fiance at a Ragheb Alama concert. The American will experience his
darkest hour as he tries to wrap his head around who Ragheb Alama is and
how people are supposed to feel at one of his concerts.
Then you might bring up kabsa or, even better, the aqiqa you did for your
son. You think the Americans and French will get what an aqiqa is? Is it a
religious ritual? Is it like a baptism? Maybe its a typhoid vaccine for
newborns?!
You might then be talking about that time during Ramadan right before iftar,
and the feeling of thirst and anticipation you had. Your Western readership
will have trouble understanding what Ramadan is, and what the thirst and
anticipation was all about. And eventually hes just gonna have to give up!
Or what about your lead characters struggle to find a decent ghutra, or a
comfortable jilbab? Forget about it! As much as he tries he wont be able to
get what a ghutra is. If you were to use the word shemagh instead, it
might end up causing him an existential crisis. What in the world is
a shemagh? Is it a type of food? Maybe even a rare delicacy, like caviar?
What if you were to say that a guy you knew acted just like Stephan Rosti?
He wouldnt understand a word! And how could he? What does he know
about Rosti, that charming villain from our old Arabic flicks? Once you
mention Zeinat Sudqi or Normandy 2 hell then discover that he needs a
course or two in the Near Eastern Languages and Cultures Department.
And dont you dare talk about the kind of girl you go out with for Eid alAdhafor Petes sake, I dont even know what that girl is like..
Ah yesif only globalization would start flowing in the opposite direction, so
that I might take my sweet revenge on these Westerners. And that would
make up well, kinda for all the distraught moments I spent trying to figure
out what kind of girl you go out with on Thanksgiving.
