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carrie-kaidan
Reviews
The Crow (2024)
Excruciating.
I had doubts. Many doubts. I wanted to give it chance anyway and lo and behold it was just as disappointing as all the other sequels. This should have just been one of those. Not my Eric. Not my Shelly. If they had been some other couple put through the wringer of a Crow plot line, maybe I wouldn't have hated it so much. Why 2 stars tho? There were glimpses of what made the original so impactful. Some good gothy imagery that spoke to the teenager in me who loves the graphic novel and loves the 1994 film. Black leather, the sword, the rain, Skarsgård really did commit to the role but this one ultimately had no soul. I didn't believe for a second that this Eric and Shelly loved each other. It all felt shallow even though they laid it on pretty thick.
Borderlands (2024)
Where's the R cut?
Whoever let this get re-written and re-shot into PG13 hell should kicking themselves. It needed to be as deranged as the video games. What happened?? This could have been awesome but we got Jumanji without the Rock. (The Rock would've made this worse to be honest.) What I can give it a 4 for is the world-building, action sequences, effects, costumes and props. Not even Cate and Jamie-Lee could breathe life into some of the innane dialogue. Not even Jack Black's cheap CL4P-TP laughs were enough to add another star. I wanted to like this movie but I will stick to playing the games. Unless we somehow magically get that R-rated cut, write this one off.
Trap (2024)
How can boring be forced upon you? M. Night has figured it out.
Ugh. Dang it, M. Night. Incredibly boring and especially self indulgent trying to shoe horn his daughter's music career into a film. Josh Harnett forcing the creepiness was tedious to watch. The whole thing was tedious. I usually get some laughs out of these films, but this one I just started online shopping in the middle of it to pass the time. Waited the whole run time for something to happen. It picks up a little at the end but overall the whole concept lands with a thud. Much like Josh Hartnett after the excessive tazing. I mean I'm ok with a fine actor taking his shirt off but even that felt forced. The whole thing is forced. I even forced myself to stay to the end and seriously, nothing happens.
Hell House LLC Origins: The Carmichael Manor (2023)
Better than the last two
The original Hell House is one of my favorites. I've watched it numerous times and it's always enjoyable. Two and 3 were disappointing. I haven't given either a second watch, and probably won't with this one either. I will give it a higher rating for better atmosphere and wildly convincing acting. I love when I can feel the terror. The main 3 characters were superb! But the others were a little challenging to tell apart from one another. Maybe that was intentional but perhaps there wasn't enough focus on a single character because we're just getting all new ones again. That's fine. It's your movie but I prefer stories that stand on their own with no need to allude to a next chapter.
I will watch the next one though. I think I see where we're going here and I'm down with an evil clown.
Horizon Line (2020)
Meh
I cannot in good conscience recommend this movie. Despite the beautiful scenery, very good looking actors, decent degrees of suspense, it was little more than background noise. First of all, the leads had the dullest chemistry (even though these two made a baby in real life) So flat. Boring. Just meh. Second, there is no way in H E double hockey sticks that anyone would survive this sequence of events, especially with the nonsense solutions they managed...c'mon. Making your own compass in the middle of an electric storm? Duct tape on a fuel line? Rum as plane fuel? Not to mention the amateur wing walking.
I'm glad they lived. But I'll never forgive them for throwing Keith David out of a plane.
Moonfall (2022)
A Fun Space Mess
Like if Independence Day, Contact, 2012 and Armageddon had a wild space orgy on the moon...that is this movie. And since I actually had a good time watching it (not at first but it gets going) it gets a solid 7.
Hell House LLC III: Lake of Fire (2019)
Nope.
Watching the Hell House Trilogy is like watching the Matrix Trilogy; the first was so damn good you get kinda psyched for the sequel but have some doubts because "how can they top that?"...and they don't. And it's bad...so you know in your gut the 3rd is gonna be bad but you just wanna know how the damn thing ends.