- Vic Vance: [Finds Lance searching the house] Lance! Lance, get over here and explain yourself!
- Lance Vance: Shhh!
- Vic Vance: Stop acting like a child!
- Lance Vance: Shhh!
- Vic Vance: Don't you shush me!
- Lance Vance: [Speaking in a hushed tone] Keep your voice down.
- Vic Vance: No! You can barely tie your own shoelaces and you're telling me how to behave?
- Lance Vance: [Yelling] Will you shut up, you stupid gorilla? The place is bugged! The DEA is onto us! Happy now?
- Announcer: Tim gave everything he had to our country. Now, he's having flashbacks and someone's going to pay. Howitzer is back. "Evacuator."
- Jack Howitzer: Die, you scum!
- Announcer: One man's search for peace.
- Jack Howitzer: Goodnight, bitches! I'll kill him before he screams!
- Announcer: One man's search for hope.
- Jack Howitzer: Let's do some killing! Let's kill for the kids!
- Announcer: One man's search for the truth.
- Jack Howitzer: After I torched those villages and raped all those schoolgirls, I just can't seem to get those images out of my head!
- Announcer: He gave everything. Then the liberals turned their backs on our hero. And now, he's out for the truth.
- Jack Howitzer: What do you smell, Wandering Hands?
- Wandering Hands: Hmm, me smell fear.
- Jack Howitzer: Good, let's arm wrestle.
- Wandering Hands: That be different film.
- Jack Howitzer: Okay, let's kill some commies!
- Wandering Hands: Mmm, me find Vietnamese squaw.
- Russian: He's wrestling the chopper down! Shoot him!
- Jack Howitzer: I'm an American and you're not! So fucking die!
- Russian: Ah, he's too strong!
- Announcer: "Evacuator."
- Jack Howitzer: Let's evacuate these bitches!
- Announcer: Rated RP for "Really Patriotic."
- Lance Vance: Hey, Vic. Like the new threads?
- Vic Vance: Terrifying. I need to use the phone
- [Calls Martinez]
- Jerry Martinez: Yeah?
- Vic Vance: Thanks for the coke, Martinez. Now you know how it feels to get fucked.
- Jerry Martinez: Oh, you fucked us both, Vic. That coke you ripped off belonged to the Mendez brothers. I was just the shepherd. Now we're all on their shit list and the only way off is in a fucking bag. I'm turning states. I'm gonna ruin you, you brother, Mendez, everyone! Happy Holidays.
- Vic Vance: [Hangs up and turn to Lance] Lance! You useless degenerate asshole!
- Armando Mendez: So, now we're together. And yet, business is hard. this industry is full of criminals.
- Vic Vance: Oh, yeah?
- Armando Mendez: Money can be so corrupting. I find it very distasteful.
- Vic Vance: Heh. Well, you know, that's the deal with the drug trade. It attracts the wrong sort.
- Armando Mendez: Quite. Are you trustworthy, my friend?
- Vic Vance: I don't know. After what I've been through recently, I'd say... Probably not.
- Phil Collins: Look, Barry, when I agreed to play Vice City, I didn't expect it to be my swan song.
- Barry: It's no problem, mate. Just some nutcase trying it on.
- Vic Vance: Hey, aren't you...
- Phil Collins: Phil, mate. Phil Collins.
- Barry: Let's do the meet and greet another time, eh? Come on.
- Phil Collins: [Vic drives Phil and Barry to their hotel after being chased by mobsters] Shouldn't we call the police?
- Barry: This is Vice City, mate. Seriously, bandit country. It's nothing.
- Phil Collins: Who is this Georgio you owe money to?
- Barry: Oh, just a fan. He lent me... I mean, he GAVE me a few quid.
- Phil Collins: Barry, are you in hock to gangsters?
- Barry: No, mate! I swear, on your life!
- Phil Collins: Yeah, well that's what I'm worried about. You're a real moron. I should have left you to manage that talking dog. What was his name? Puddles?
- Couzin Ed: Punk and new wave can go to hell! That's right, go to hell! But not the hell I'm going to. That's the fun hell. You'll go to the crappy hell!
- Vic Vance: Do you think we can trust Diaz?
- Lance Vance: My man Diaz is a businessman.
- Vic Vance: Great. That's a "no" then.
- Vic Vance: [finds Louise dying from two gunshot wounds to the torso, and Lance unconscious] Louise!
- Louise Cassidy- Williams: [dying] Hey... Vic... You came for me... No one ever really did much for me before... That's... sweet of you.
- Vic Vance: Hey, hey, come on, listen... Let's get you to a hospital
- Louise Cassidy- Williams: I don't think... There's much point in that.
- Vic Vance: Come on, Louise.
- Louise Cassidy- Williams: We could've had... Something special.
- Vic Vance: Yeah. No, we did have something special.
- Louise Cassidy- Williams: Make sure Mary-Jo takes care of my baby.
- [Louise dies]
- Vic Vance: Oh, Louise...
- [Vic breaks down and cries over Louise's body]
- Vic Vance: Louise...
- [Vic finally gets up and starts walking away. Lance regains consciousness and spots him]
- Lance Vance: Hey, Vic, I know you cared about her, man. But she wasn't right for you.
- [Vic stops in his tracks for a moment, then shakes his head in disgust and walks away]
- Lance Vance: Vic... Hey, Vic... Family is what matters... Oh, damn.
- [Lance gets up and starts limping away]
- Lance Vance: Alright... Alright... Okay, I'm gonna make it. I can make it. I know I can, man...
- Vic Vance: Hey, watch the road!
- Lance Vance: [Both scream in unison after Lance hits a jump] OH, SHIIIIIIIIIIT!
- Vic Vance: OH, SHIIIIIIIIIIT!
- Phil Collins: Hey Vic, have you ever though about a career in management?
- Barry Mickelthwaite: Hold up, boy! I'm your management!
- Phil Collins: Yeah... Miss Management. Or was that just Reni's name for you? You should have got those false tits, mate, just like Reni suggested. They'd look great alongside that real one you're using for a head.
- Sam Hall: My name is, uh, Sam Hall. I worked at American Motors for 22 years. Now, I'm a jobless divorcée.
- Kid: My daddy's name is David Adams. He got laid off from American Motors. Then he got drunk and killed mommy!
- Announcer: Staying free is about more than going into record debt, making weapons that could liquidize the world or financing the overthrow of Central American countries. It's about the little things you can do everyday to help. But these days, there's a new menace.
- Japanese Man: Hello, lazy Americans! Your American cars are terrible! Soon, all Americans buy Japanese cars! Ha, ha, ha! You on food stamps now!
- Announcer: This month, celebrate American diplomacy and take a mallet to a Maibatsu. Stay free. Buy American goods. Brought to you by the Buy American Coalition
- Jeremy Robard: How long has it been since you've gone at top speed in a powerboat with two blondes in bikinis? Well that's too long. Hi, I'm Jeremy Robard with some important information about masculinity and you. In today's times with women working in the office and men wearing pastels, pinks and eye shadow, it's vital you reaffirm your masculinity at every opportunity. Are you wasting away in an office, going bald and entertaining yourself by dropping pencils so your fat secretary bends over? You could be in the money, living an adventure. Take on the hottest, most prestigious profession of today: International Trade. It's a man's occupation, it's a career and it's an opportunity, all at once. All you have to do is lease one of our high-speed boats. No money down, no credit check and you'll be hauling glamorous international cargo in no time. And you don't have to go very far. Only about six miles off-shore to collect our special cargo and bring it back. It's as easy as 1-2-3, all at high speed. Like a man. Hey, if you love the ocean, partying, and genuine capitalism, the import/export business is for you. If you're ready to step into the future of masculinity, come see me, Jeremy Robard, at Robard's Import/Export in Viceport.
- Jack Howitzer: [the station plays Foreigner's "I Wanna Know What Love Is"] Hi, this is Jack Howitzer. I wanna know what love is and I want you to show me... Or I'll slit your throat.
- Jerry Martinez: Listen, if plans change, I'll let you know.
- [Hands Vic a pager]
- Vic Vance: What's this?
- Jerry Martinez: It's a pager, tough guy. Welcome to the 80's, Vic.
- Lance Vance: Hey, bro! Ha, ha!
- Vic Vance: Lance?
- Lance Vance: Hey!
- Vic Vance: What are you doing here?
- Lance Vance: You don't sound so pleased!
- Vic Vance: I'm not so pleased.
- Lance Vance: Thanks, bro. Who was you expecting? What a greeting, man.
- Vic Vance: Not you. Someone useful.
- Lance Vance: So, what am I? A handicap, huh? Your dumbass, lowlife, no-good brother?
- Vic Vance: Something like that.
- Lance Vance: Yeah? Well, I'm not the one who got kicked out of the Army.
- Vic Vance: No, you're the asshole who got kicked out of the Boy Scouts.
- Lance Vance: Oh, come on, man. I come all this way to see you and you treat me like I got herpes.
- Vic Vance: Maybe that's because your whole life, you've gotten us into trouble.
- Lance Vance: Oh, give me a break, man! I've changed!
- Vic Vance: [pause] Okay, I'll give you a chance. One chance!
- Lance Vance: Oh, yeah, yeah! Hey, come here, man!
- [Hugs Vic]
- Lance Vance: You won't regret it, baby! I love you, man! And love can change the world. But Vic...
- Lance Vance: What?
- Lance Vance: [In mock seriousness] I have got herpes.
- Vic Vance: [Pushes Lance away] Get off me, man! Just get in the damn car!
- Lance Vance: Ha, ha, ha! I'm just kidding!
- Vic Vance: [Lance and Vic discover their mom took all their coke] So what do we do now, moron?
- Lance Vance: Wait, wait, wait. Let me think. I know we can make it right! We'll just... uh, uh... We'll explain things to the Mendez brothers.
- Vic Vance: Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm sure that between chopping us up and feeding us to their dogs, they'll be very understanding! Lance, if we get out of this, I'm gonna KILL YOU! Asshole!
- Marty Williams: Okay, we're here. Now, get on in there and teach them idiots a lesson.
- Vic Vance: You're not coming?
- Marty Williams: Why would I employ a dog, then bark myself?
- Lionel Makepiece: Let's all reach into our pockets, whip it out, hold it in our hand, and look at it in disgust. I'm talking about the Emotion Frequent Crier Card. Get it punched at any family planning clinic or Ammu-Nation. Guns and crying... they go together.
- Adam First: [as "How to Be a Millionaire" by ABC starts playing] As a keen hang-glider and a fan of right-wing politics and kicker boots, I find this next song particularly disturbing.
- Adam First: [after the song] That was ABC. "How to Be A Millionaire." I already know how. And it involves robots. Lots and lots of robots.
- Radio Espantoso Caller: Hector Hernandez?
- Hector Hernandez: Si.
- Radio Espantoso Caller: THE Hector Hernandez?
- Hector Hernandez: That's me!
- Radio Espantoso Caller: Ha-ha-ha! You're a failed actor! You were terrible in your last show. "The Rich Cry Less"? They killed off your bullfighter character. You had a horn stuck in your ass! You suck, man!
- Hector Hernandez: Nonsense! Uh... more music!
- Lance Vance: I'm the black killa from Manila! The Manila Blilla!
- Vic Vance: You're a blidiot. Now shut up.
- Jerry Martinez: Hey, look who it is! Victor Vance! What's going on, amigo? You want some smoke?
- Vic Vance: Fuck you, Martinez.
- Jerry Martinez: Relax! You're so fucking histrionic. It's like hanging out with a bitch on her period.
- Vic Vance: You want me to fuck you up?
- Jerry Martinez: Whatever, baby. The thing is, you work for Phil. And Phil - Phil works for me. Which makes you my bitch's bitch. Figure that out.
- Vic Vance: I'm looking for someone called Reni.
- [Frankie points out Reni, who raises his/her arms]
- Frankie: Ta-daa.
- Vic Vance: Uh, yeah... Spitz said you might want something?
- Reni Wassulmaier: Something? Ah! Cocaine! Darling, I want cocaine! Mummy wants some snort and she wants it now! You must be the cocaine man. Frankie, the cocaine man is here!
- [Reni and Frankie both jump excitedly]
- Vic Vance: [sarcastically] Hey! You think you can say it any louder? I don't think they heard you in Cuba.
- Reni Wassulmaier: Oh, you fucking square. It's only a bit of snow. It's nineteen-eighty-fucking-four, darling. Everyone is on cocaine!
- Vic Vance: Whatever you say, mister... uh... lady... err...
- Reni Wassulmaier: Oh, darling, I'm a little bit of everything. I'm universal. Reni Wassulmaier. But you, angel, you're unique. Can I film you undressing?
- [Reni introduces Vic and Barry to each other]
- Reni Wassulmaier: Darling, this is darling. Darling, darling. Wunderbar. So now we are acquainted, no? Who wants to oompah?
- Vic Vance: [to Barry] Uh, I'm Vic.
- Barry: Alright? Barry, mate.
- Armando Mendez: So, you are finished.
- Vic Vance: Yeah.
- Armando Mendez: Diego, they are finished.
- Diego Mendez: Buenos.
- Armando Mendez: And none of us dead. The civilized life of gentlemen. We have our money, so you are free. You must leave town, of course, and give us control of your other interests.
- Vic Vance: What?
- Armando Mendez: But you, your families, no one will die. This is fair.
- Lance Vance: Fair? Oh, yeah, if you think getting screwed in the ass and then paying for it is fair, then it sounds like a great deal.
- Armando Mendez: I find your attitude and your language terribly distasteful.
- Diego Mendez: Maricon...
- Vic Vance: Hey, hold on, hold on, listen, Mr. Mendez. Listen, I... WE have done a lot of things for you. We kept up our end of the bargain, and now you want us to give up our interests?
- Armando Mendez: You came to my town, you run around like a maniac, you bring the police and the DEA into my life, and now I want you gone. You're very lucky you're not dead.
- Lance Vance: Argh...
- Vic Vance: Hey, listen, I made a ton of money for you. Money I didn't lose.
- Armando Mendez: And now... you're done.
- Lance Vance: Aw...
- Armando Mendez: You're obsolete.
- Vic Vance: Reni, hey, what's wrong?
- Reni Wassulmaier: Darling, he wants me dead!
- Vic Vance: Who?
- Reni Wassulmaier: Diego Mendez, that's who.
- Vic Vance: Why?
- Reni Wassulmaier: Because I put you in contact with Ricardo Diaz; said it was disloyal of me. Not as disloyal as him two-timing me with that tramp.
- Vic Vance: Whoa, wait, you guys were an item?
- Reni Wassulmaier: Yes, but I could not deal with him. He talked too much. Beat me, Reni. Spank me, Reni. Blow coke up my ass, Reni. It was too goddamn much.
- Vic Vance: [laughs] Diego Mendez?
- [laughs]
- Vic Vance: Jeez...
- Reni Wassulmaier: So now I must go to Dr. Horowitz. He's a genius. Tomorrow, new Reni!
- Vic Vance: [sighs] You're not having another sex change?
- Reni Wassulmaier: I only have three.
- Vic Vance: You can stay with Lance, mom - but i don't want any trouble. I've got enough horse shit dealing with him.
- Lance Vance: [to Vic, as the two of them are being shot at by Cholos] Do you have any friends in this town?
- Phil Collins: Barry, is everything sorted of tonight?
- Barry: Mate, you're gonna blow them away.
- Phil Collins: Well, I'm more worried about someone blowing me away.
- Jerry Martinez: [sees the boat the DEA had issued him] Is this the best you could get me? I should've taken my chances with the Mendez brothers.
- Reni Wassulmaier: You mean, he doesn't know?
- Barry: Uh, no. And let's keep it that way.
- Reni Wassulmaier: Of course. He's an artist. The pressure could kill him. I mean, I perform well knowing people want to drill me full of holes. But I am unique, darling.
- Vic Vance: Look, I'm in this to make money for my brother. I don't have time to waste.
- Reni Wassulmaier: Darling, that is beautiful. One day, I will make a film like that. Two bothers. One is a dog. The other, a librarian. Love blossoms between a man and a pig. Three swans die. The end. Genius!
- Barry: [Vic has just cleared the stadium of hitmen] It's Vic. See, I told you. Nothing to worry about.
- Phil Collins: Yeah, yeah. I'll see you inside.
- Barry: Seriously, mate, is everything alright?
- Vic Vance: Sure. But, um, you might want to call bomb disposal.
- Barry: Bomb disposal? Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, good one. Yeah, yeah, fucking comedian. Yeah, yeah. Should put you on the fucking stage, eh? Phil, mate... Uh, maybe we should delay rehearsals awhile, eh? Technical issues, you know? Nothing serious. It's alright.