What do you think?
Rate this book
A Well-Trained Wife: My Escape from Christian Patriarchy
Goodreads Choice Award
Nominee for Readers' Favorite Memoir (2024)“Today it hit me when he hit me, blood shaking in my brain. Maybe there wasn’t a savior coming. Maybe it was up to me to save me.”
Recruited into the fundamentalist Quiverfull movement as a young wife, Tia Levings learned that being a good Christian meant following a list of additional life principles—a series of secret, special rules to obey. Being a godly and submissive wife in Christian Patriarchy included strict discipline, isolation, and an alternative lifestyle that appeared wholesome to outsiders. Women were to be silent, “keepers of the home.”
Tia knew that to their neighbors her family was strange, but she also couldn't risk exposing their secret lifestyle to police, doctors, teachers, or anyone outside of their church. Christians were called in scripture to be “in the world, not of it.” So, she hid in plain sight as years of abuse and pain followed. When Tia realized she was the only one who could protect her children from becoming the next generation of patriarchal men and submissive women, she began to resist and question how they lived. But in the patriarchy, a woman with opinions is in danger, and eventually, Tia faced an urgent and extreme choice: stay and face dire consequences, or flee with her children.
Told in a beautiful, honest, and sometimes harrowing voice, A Well-Trained Wife is an unforgettable and timely memoir about a woman's race to save herself and her family and details the ways that extreme views can manifest in a marriage.
Recruited into the fundamentalist Quiverfull movement as a young wife, Tia Levings learned that being a good Christian meant following a list of additional life principles—a series of secret, special rules to obey. Being a godly and submissive wife in Christian Patriarchy included strict discipline, isolation, and an alternative lifestyle that appeared wholesome to outsiders. Women were to be silent, “keepers of the home.”
Tia knew that to their neighbors her family was strange, but she also couldn't risk exposing their secret lifestyle to police, doctors, teachers, or anyone outside of their church. Christians were called in scripture to be “in the world, not of it.” So, she hid in plain sight as years of abuse and pain followed. When Tia realized she was the only one who could protect her children from becoming the next generation of patriarchal men and submissive women, she began to resist and question how they lived. But in the patriarchy, a woman with opinions is in danger, and eventually, Tia faced an urgent and extreme choice: stay and face dire consequences, or flee with her children.
Told in a beautiful, honest, and sometimes harrowing voice, A Well-Trained Wife is an unforgettable and timely memoir about a woman's race to save herself and her family and details the ways that extreme views can manifest in a marriage.
304 pages, Kindle Edition
First published August 6, 2024
2485 people are currently reading
72128 people want to read
About the author
Tia Levings
2 books391 followersTia Levings is the New York Times Bestselling author of A Well-Trained Wife, her memoir of escape from Christian Patriarchy. She writes about the realities of religious trauma and the Trad wife life, decoding the fundamentalist influences in our news and culture. Her work and quotes have appeared in Teen Vogue, Salon, the Huffington Post, and Newsweek. She also appeared in the hit Amazon docu-series, Shiny Happy People. Based in North Carolina, she is mom to four incredible adults and likes to travel, hike, paint, and daydream. Find her on social media @TiaLevingsWriter and TiaLevings.Substack.com. Her second book releases with St. Martin’s Essentials May 5, 2026.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 4,100 reviews
December 13, 2024
https://tialevings.com/
Written by my good friend and excellent writer, Tia Levings. I lived this journey with her as she fled her abusive marriage. I remember her telling our online women's group that she was in hiding and how frightening it was for everyone, although especially her.
This is the perfect answer to the "tradwife" movement that uses videos and instagram pics to show an idealised version of patriarchy. I'm all for women staying home and having kids if they want to. I was a stay at home homeschooling mom of five. But I did not live in a partriarchal marriage! My husband and I have always been partners without rigidly fix gender roles or male "head of the family" nonsense.
Some people are passing off what happened to Tia (and many other women) as "fringe" or "extremely uncommon," when in fact it's not that fringe. Right now the Republican Vice President nominee, JD Vance, is vocally espousing these very princilples! Project 2025 is the handbook, and Vance is all on board, even writing a glowing foreward for one of the authors of Project 2025. Many other right-wing politicians who are quickly gaining power also espouse these views limiting women's rights and their role in society.
Read Tia's story and understand how far back those that espouse the "tradwife" and patriarchal marriage want to turn our clocks back...all the way back to women not having the right to vote. (They believe in "head of household voting which means only the husbands are allowed to vote.) Think about it.
Written by my good friend and excellent writer, Tia Levings. I lived this journey with her as she fled her abusive marriage. I remember her telling our online women's group that she was in hiding and how frightening it was for everyone, although especially her.
This is the perfect answer to the "tradwife" movement that uses videos and instagram pics to show an idealised version of patriarchy. I'm all for women staying home and having kids if they want to. I was a stay at home homeschooling mom of five. But I did not live in a partriarchal marriage! My husband and I have always been partners without rigidly fix gender roles or male "head of the family" nonsense.
Some people are passing off what happened to Tia (and many other women) as "fringe" or "extremely uncommon," when in fact it's not that fringe. Right now the Republican Vice President nominee, JD Vance, is vocally espousing these very princilples! Project 2025 is the handbook, and Vance is all on board, even writing a glowing foreward for one of the authors of Project 2025. Many other right-wing politicians who are quickly gaining power also espouse these views limiting women's rights and their role in society.
Read Tia's story and understand how far back those that espouse the "tradwife" and patriarchal marriage want to turn our clocks back...all the way back to women not having the right to vote. (They believe in "head of household voting which means only the husbands are allowed to vote.) Think about it.
April 30, 2024
This is an extremely difficult read. I was horrified and angry during the reading of this book, and I’m still angry and horrified. No one should have to go through what Tia Levings did. And yet thousands of women are currently trapped in Christian fundamentalist marriages, and thousands of their children are being raised with the attitudes and beliefs that will perpetuate the cycle of abuse. The girls are taught to submit to males, and the boys are taught to keep the females in line, at *any* cost.
Can a husband rape his wife? Not in the fundamentalist society.
Can a husband beat his wife? Sure—that’s encouraged here!
Can a wife bring up her husband’s abuse to church leaders? Sure, but she better be prepared to hear, “Submit more.”
Is divorce ever on the table, even if the wife and children’s safety is in danger? Never. Don’t you dare bring up the “D” word.
Ms. Levings has made a point to speak out against fundamentalism and to educate about what really goes on behind closed doors. I admire her bravery, resilience and willingness to be extremely vulnerable so that others can hopefully recognize signs of abuse and run the other way. She’s done the work on herself, and it shows. I’m so glad she’s free. ❤️
My thanks to both NetGalley and St. Martin’s Press for a complimentary copy in exchange for my honest feedback.
(Possible spoilers below, but I would want to know the content)
Content warnings: multiple violent rapes, domestic violence, multiple animal deaths and a scene in which an image of graphic pornography is described.
Can a husband rape his wife? Not in the fundamentalist society.
Can a husband beat his wife? Sure—that’s encouraged here!
Can a wife bring up her husband’s abuse to church leaders? Sure, but she better be prepared to hear, “Submit more.”
Is divorce ever on the table, even if the wife and children’s safety is in danger? Never. Don’t you dare bring up the “D” word.
Ms. Levings has made a point to speak out against fundamentalism and to educate about what really goes on behind closed doors. I admire her bravery, resilience and willingness to be extremely vulnerable so that others can hopefully recognize signs of abuse and run the other way. She’s done the work on herself, and it shows. I’m so glad she’s free. ❤️
My thanks to both NetGalley and St. Martin’s Press for a complimentary copy in exchange for my honest feedback.
(Possible spoilers below, but I would want to know the content)
Content warnings: multiple violent rapes, domestic violence, multiple animal deaths and a scene in which an image of graphic pornography is described.
August 9, 2024
I am torn on this one, dear reader. Tia Levings' A Well-Trained Wife is deeply moving. It also contains a fair amount deficiencies which keep it from being a must read without any reservation. As with any memoir, I am not reviewing Levings' life experience as whether it is worth a book because that question is immaterial. Everyone's life story deserves respect, especially when someone like Levings courageously opens up the wounds of a horribly abusive marriage. My review is concerned with how effectively she conveys her experiences to the reader. Let's dive in. Let's start with the bad, but please stick around for the good/great.
The beginning of Levings story is her childhood leading up to her marriage. The final portion of the book is Levings post-divorce and how she connects her experiences to religion and other social movements. In these sections, you can feel that Levings does not have the control over the material that she does in the "marriage" portion of the book. Her childhood seems rushed, and I felt there was a lot glossed over about her family experience growing up. Later, when she tries to speak to the larger Evangelical movement, her observations start to strain past her own personal experience. This leads Levings to flowery word choices and imperfect metaphors/similes that sound like an author trying too hard to paint a picture. She is trying to tell, not show. To be clear, we are talking about 30% of the book taken up by these weaker sections. Now, let's talk about the other 70%.
When Levings writes about her marriage (and the dating phase right before), she displays her talent by showing, not telling. The story of her abusive husband is visceral, compelling, and horrifying. She will still try a little too hard at times with her word choices, but her personal experiences and her ability to present her emotions to the reader left me unable to put the book down. It takes real courage to return to past trauma and admit how hard you were trying to please a terrible human because that's what you have been told is your sole reason for living.
So, do I recommend it? I think this very much depends on whether you feel the deficiencies I described will be too distracting for you to focus on the story.
I'm glad I read it, warts and all.
(This book was provided as an advance copy by Netgalley and St. Martin's Press.)
The beginning of Levings story is her childhood leading up to her marriage. The final portion of the book is Levings post-divorce and how she connects her experiences to religion and other social movements. In these sections, you can feel that Levings does not have the control over the material that she does in the "marriage" portion of the book. Her childhood seems rushed, and I felt there was a lot glossed over about her family experience growing up. Later, when she tries to speak to the larger Evangelical movement, her observations start to strain past her own personal experience. This leads Levings to flowery word choices and imperfect metaphors/similes that sound like an author trying too hard to paint a picture. She is trying to tell, not show. To be clear, we are talking about 30% of the book taken up by these weaker sections. Now, let's talk about the other 70%.
When Levings writes about her marriage (and the dating phase right before), she displays her talent by showing, not telling. The story of her abusive husband is visceral, compelling, and horrifying. She will still try a little too hard at times with her word choices, but her personal experiences and her ability to present her emotions to the reader left me unable to put the book down. It takes real courage to return to past trauma and admit how hard you were trying to please a terrible human because that's what you have been told is your sole reason for living.
So, do I recommend it? I think this very much depends on whether you feel the deficiencies I described will be too distracting for you to focus on the story.
I'm glad I read it, warts and all.
(This book was provided as an advance copy by Netgalley and St. Martin's Press.)
May 10, 2024
The sub-title for this newly published memoir by Tia Levings should be "My Escape from an Abusive Marriage". The sub-title "my escape from Christian Patriarchy" was chosen as a springboard from her participation in the Amazon documentary Shiny Happy People. I am friends with a number of women who have been divorced from abusive men and I was also married to one for 19 years. What happened to Tia before and during her marriage is not because of "Christian patriarchy", it is because of an abusive man. One church that she and her husband were in seemed to support her husband, but they did not know the full story of her abuse. A pastor and his wife in another church helped her leave, as did a number of other Christians.
I am in a conservative Christian church (PCA Presbyterian) and have personally witnessed our church leadership come alongside to support wives with abusive husbands. This includes supporting the divorce and excommunicating the man. I am familiar with a number of the books and teachings Levings refers to in her book. None of these writers support abuse, although I agree that many of them do not have a sound Biblical basis. I am glad that Levings and her children escaped her abusive husband. I am sad that she lost her Christian faith along the way. For a memoir from someone who left an abusive situation without losing her faith, I recommend "Counting the Cost" by Jill Duggar.
I received a complementary copy from the publisher via NetGalley.
I am in a conservative Christian church (PCA Presbyterian) and have personally witnessed our church leadership come alongside to support wives with abusive husbands. This includes supporting the divorce and excommunicating the man. I am familiar with a number of the books and teachings Levings refers to in her book. None of these writers support abuse, although I agree that many of them do not have a sound Biblical basis. I am glad that Levings and her children escaped her abusive husband. I am sad that she lost her Christian faith along the way. For a memoir from someone who left an abusive situation without losing her faith, I recommend "Counting the Cost" by Jill Duggar.
I received a complementary copy from the publisher via NetGalley.
January 25, 2025
This was a hard book to read. I never realized that I qualify as what she calls a religious refugee. Lots of triggers for me, though nowhere near as dire or near to death as hers were. But without her, I am not sure I’d be able to articulate what happened to me. I’m very grateful to her for writing it all down and sharing it with the world.
It’s in the title, so it’s not a spoiler to say that she has a happy ending. But with the extent of her trauma, it feels like she’ll be healing the rest of her days.
I can’t help but think that what she went through is parallel to what the nation is going through politically - the gaslighting, victim blaming, white suprematist misogyny, controlling women’s bodies, threatening to revoke the 14th and 19th Amendments, etc.
There’s a line that I’ll be thinking about for a while: with patriarchy comes hierarchy. Feels like that describes the state of the country. Also feels like it’s describing crabs in a barrel - all the greedy and already powerful trying to climb to the top.
It’s in the title, so it’s not a spoiler to say that she has a happy ending. But with the extent of her trauma, it feels like she’ll be healing the rest of her days.
I can’t help but think that what she went through is parallel to what the nation is going through politically - the gaslighting, victim blaming, white suprematist misogyny, controlling women’s bodies, threatening to revoke the 14th and 19th Amendments, etc.
There’s a line that I’ll be thinking about for a while: with patriarchy comes hierarchy. Feels like that describes the state of the country. Also feels like it’s describing crabs in a barrel - all the greedy and already powerful trying to climb to the top.
August 13, 2024
As others have said, my rating is not rating the content itself, as no one can rate someone's life. Rather it's rating the writing style and a little bit my own pet peeves.
This book follows Tia through her childhood in purity culture via an evangelical church, and young marriage and life with a man (nicknamed "Psycho Eyes" by his Navy buddies) so determined to Get It Right that he drags her through cult after cult. There were many moments in the book that were heartbreaking. I had heard her talk on a podcast I listen to, so I knew some of what was to come, but not all of it.
To me, there were 2 main flaws - 1 flaw I think is universal, and the other is specifically due to me being a trauma psychologist and would probably not bother anyone else. First (and it took me a bit to realize this) she writes much of the book in TWO voices - the voice of her, the writer, looking back on the situation, AND the voice of the Tia living in the situation however many years ago. So for example in the same chapter she will make a remark about "telling stories of old men marrying little girls" (pretty obviously current Tia) and also will misspell gonorrhea to show how little she understood about sex as a teenager. But that ultimately leaves much of the book feeling disorienting. Oh, she's dissing sleep training - is that how she felt then, how she feels now, or both? OH, she is anti-vaxx - uh, was that back then, how she feels now, or both? Because she simultaneously uses both voices, it is often hard to know who is talking at any given moment.
The second is that once we get to her healing process, it got very Fad Therapy Lingo-y, which is not her fault, it’s her therapist’s fault. There was a LOT she was told, that she imparts in this book as Scientific Truth (why wouldn’t she? It’s not her job to know) that’s either 100% debunked or hasn’t actually been studied yet or so clearly came from that fad PESI training her therapist did or whatever. And it made it so hard to concentrate on anything personal or meaningful she was saying because I was so irritated at the Fad Therapy Lingo. So I can't speak to how most people will feel during this part of her book, or how emotionally engaging it is, or how effectively it is expressed, because I was too focused on other aspects of those chapters. (Please don't interpret this as me not being happy that she felt therapy was helpful and she feels she has healed - I am glad. It's just that when this is your career you see the individual successes and the bigger picture failures of how we as mental health providers are - and aren't - being held accountable for what we do in the therapy room and that isn't easily separated.)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, Tia Levings has been making the rounds of cult podcasts so if you are in that world, you've probably heard of her. It's definitely a book worth reading, and if you're not a trauma psychologist you probably won't mind the last section of the book the way I do.
This book follows Tia through her childhood in purity culture via an evangelical church, and young marriage and life with a man (nicknamed "Psycho Eyes" by his Navy buddies) so determined to Get It Right that he drags her through cult after cult. There were many moments in the book that were heartbreaking. I had heard her talk on a podcast I listen to, so I knew some of what was to come, but not all of it.
To me, there were 2 main flaws - 1 flaw I think is universal, and the other is specifically due to me being a trauma psychologist and would probably not bother anyone else. First (and it took me a bit to realize this) she writes much of the book in TWO voices - the voice of her, the writer, looking back on the situation, AND the voice of the Tia living in the situation however many years ago. So for example in the same chapter she will make a remark about "telling stories of old men marrying little girls" (pretty obviously current Tia) and also will misspell gonorrhea to show how little she understood about sex as a teenager. But that ultimately leaves much of the book feeling disorienting. Oh, she's dissing sleep training - is that how she felt then, how she feels now, or both? OH, she is anti-vaxx - uh, was that back then, how she feels now, or both? Because she simultaneously uses both voices, it is often hard to know who is talking at any given moment.
The second is that once we get to her healing process, it got very Fad Therapy Lingo-y, which is not her fault, it’s her therapist’s fault. There was a LOT she was told, that she imparts in this book as Scientific Truth (why wouldn’t she? It’s not her job to know) that’s either 100% debunked or hasn’t actually been studied yet or so clearly came from that fad PESI training her therapist did or whatever. And it made it so hard to concentrate on anything personal or meaningful she was saying because I was so irritated at the Fad Therapy Lingo. So I can't speak to how most people will feel during this part of her book, or how emotionally engaging it is, or how effectively it is expressed, because I was too focused on other aspects of those chapters. (Please don't interpret this as me not being happy that she felt therapy was helpful and she feels she has healed - I am glad. It's just that when this is your career you see the individual successes and the bigger picture failures of how we as mental health providers are - and aren't - being held accountable for what we do in the therapy room and that isn't easily separated.)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, Tia Levings has been making the rounds of cult podcasts so if you are in that world, you've probably heard of her. It's definitely a book worth reading, and if you're not a trauma psychologist you probably won't mind the last section of the book the way I do.
October 21, 2024
I can’t finish this. I hate rating memoirs because it feels like I’m rating the person’s experience when I’m really just rating the quality of the book and my personal experience reading it. Tia had an awful and abusive marriage and the behavior was justified using the Bible and some popular Christian parenting/marriage books. I’m glad she got out and that she feels brave enough to tell her story.
But the writing is terrible here. She makes everyone (including herself) appear as a caricature. I watched “Shiny Happy People” and, as a homeschooler in the Gothard era, knew some people like that growing up. I know she’s not making this up, but the reality is that most people don’t look as ridiculous as she makes them out to be. And that’s why the ideas she was trapped into believing are so dangerous; most people who believe them are kind, typical people so you just go along with it. But her descriptions never really feel like real people.
She attempts to use similes and metaphors but it’s awkward. There are just some weird random descriptive sentences that come across as trying too hard. Example: after she writes about her husband basically raping her in the middle of the night, she decides that “marriage takes work” and then segues into “The shadows on the ceiling danced with new spring leaves. The thing about tree hollows is that sometimes, they become homes.” (p. 74) Huh?
She “quotes” from these popular marriage and parenting books without actually citing anything properly. If you’re gonna call them out, do it correctly. How do I know that these quotes are accurate? No one can check. She’s got plenty of valid source material of questionably “biblical” advice to critique but the fact that she doesn’t even try to do it in a valid manner makes it harder for me to trust (even though I’ve personally read the books/authors she’s upset about and agree they are problematic). I would love if her goal had been to sort of win over some people who are sucked into the lies like she was, but she writes with such bitterness and snark that it’s clear she’s preaching to a choir and not really trying to hold anyone to account.
But the writing is terrible here. She makes everyone (including herself) appear as a caricature. I watched “Shiny Happy People” and, as a homeschooler in the Gothard era, knew some people like that growing up. I know she’s not making this up, but the reality is that most people don’t look as ridiculous as she makes them out to be. And that’s why the ideas she was trapped into believing are so dangerous; most people who believe them are kind, typical people so you just go along with it. But her descriptions never really feel like real people.
She attempts to use similes and metaphors but it’s awkward. There are just some weird random descriptive sentences that come across as trying too hard. Example: after she writes about her husband basically raping her in the middle of the night, she decides that “marriage takes work” and then segues into “The shadows on the ceiling danced with new spring leaves. The thing about tree hollows is that sometimes, they become homes.” (p. 74) Huh?
She “quotes” from these popular marriage and parenting books without actually citing anything properly. If you’re gonna call them out, do it correctly. How do I know that these quotes are accurate? No one can check. She’s got plenty of valid source material of questionably “biblical” advice to critique but the fact that she doesn’t even try to do it in a valid manner makes it harder for me to trust (even though I’ve personally read the books/authors she’s upset about and agree they are problematic). I would love if her goal had been to sort of win over some people who are sucked into the lies like she was, but she writes with such bitterness and snark that it’s clear she’s preaching to a choir and not really trying to hold anyone to account.
June 16, 2024
5++ Stars!
Where do I even begin? I'm a mess after reading this. First of all, thank you Net Galley, Tia Levings, and the publisher for this ARC in exchange for my honest review.
This is such an amazing and important book, but please be careful as it has ALL the trigger warnings. Tia Levings grew up in a fundamentalist evangelical church and married a deeply disturbed abusive man who also kept her and her family in an abusive church that sanctioned "domestic discipline"(?!?!) The depth of rage I felt reading this...and the FEAR I had for Tia and her children... I can't even. I will forever be grateful that Tia escaped and that she wrote this beautiful book. How many works of art will we never get to enjoy because of religious cults creating situations that are completely unsafe for women, queer people, and minorities????
Anyway, Tia is an incredibly talented writer. She is able to convey the mindset that you have when you are in an abusive church or an abusive relationship SO well. For anyone who has ever wondered "Why didn't she just leave"... please read this book! It answers that question without being preachy or judgmental. Tia beautifully explains where she was at, how and when things changed for her, and how she got out.
I also appreciated that this book doesn't end with the escape, but Tia goes on to explain her recovery process which I found really interesting. A lot of good things happened once Tia got out of her abusive marriage, and I was SO happy for her because seriously this woman deserves THE WORLD. But also, recovering from a lifetime of trauma is not easy, and Tia doesn't sugarcoat what she went through (and is, I assume, currently going through) to heal from everything. I also loved that Instagram and social media was part of her healing process- just a part of it, she also had lots of therapy- as I feel like social media also helped me with my trauma.
Overall, this book is incredible. I felt very validated as I saw a lot of similarities between the religious trauma Tia endured and what I went through in the religious cult I was in. And also, I just loved being able to sort of live Tia's story with her, cry with her, and then rejoice in her victory.
Where do I even begin? I'm a mess after reading this. First of all, thank you Net Galley, Tia Levings, and the publisher for this ARC in exchange for my honest review.
This is such an amazing and important book, but please be careful as it has ALL the trigger warnings. Tia Levings grew up in a fundamentalist evangelical church and married a deeply disturbed abusive man who also kept her and her family in an abusive church that sanctioned "domestic discipline"(?!?!) The depth of rage I felt reading this...and the FEAR I had for Tia and her children... I can't even. I will forever be grateful that Tia escaped and that she wrote this beautiful book. How many works of art will we never get to enjoy because of religious cults creating situations that are completely unsafe for women, queer people, and minorities????
Anyway, Tia is an incredibly talented writer. She is able to convey the mindset that you have when you are in an abusive church or an abusive relationship SO well. For anyone who has ever wondered "Why didn't she just leave"... please read this book! It answers that question without being preachy or judgmental. Tia beautifully explains where she was at, how and when things changed for her, and how she got out.
I also appreciated that this book doesn't end with the escape, but Tia goes on to explain her recovery process which I found really interesting. A lot of good things happened once Tia got out of her abusive marriage, and I was SO happy for her because seriously this woman deserves THE WORLD. But also, recovering from a lifetime of trauma is not easy, and Tia doesn't sugarcoat what she went through (and is, I assume, currently going through) to heal from everything. I also loved that Instagram and social media was part of her healing process- just a part of it, she also had lots of therapy- as I feel like social media also helped me with my trauma.
Overall, this book is incredible. I felt very validated as I saw a lot of similarities between the religious trauma Tia endured and what I went through in the religious cult I was in. And also, I just loved being able to sort of live Tia's story with her, cry with her, and then rejoice in her victory.
May 9, 2024
My horrified fascination with cults and high-control religious groups began early in my adult life and continues to this day. Name a memoir written by a survivor of religious trauma and/or abuse and the odds are good that I’ve read it. So when I learned that Tia Levings, an incredibly brave woman whose story featured heavily throughout the Amazon Prime documentary Shiny Happy People, was coming out with a book, I smashed that want-to-read button on Goodreads so quickly and so hard, I’m surprised my phone screen didn’t shatter. And when that book, A Well-Trained Wife: My Escape from Christian Patriarchy (St Martin’s Press, 2024), was offered up for review on NetGalley, I went running. I knew this book was going to be incredible.
And I was not disappointed.
But I was shaken. Deeply. It’s that kind of book.
Several times, I had to put my kindle down and take a few deep breaths. Several more times, I had to pull out the tissues, and during one moment, I needed to stop and hug my daughter (still crying, of course).
Before I get into the meat of this review, please know that while this is an utterly amazing memoir that deserves to be read far and wide, it’s intense. It’s a LOT. It’s probably the heaviest escape memoir I’ve ever read, and I don’t say this lightly, because survivor stories are always heavy with the pain and trauma they’ve suffered at the hands of their cult. That said, Tia Levings' writing is raw; she doesn't hold back on walking her readers through her trauma and letting them know that this isn’t just her story. This is the story of a lot of women who have gotten pulled into fundamentalism.
This memoir revolves around themes of abuse (spiritual and religious, physical, emotional, and sexual), Christian fundamentalism, domestic violence, misogyny, Christian patriarchy, fear, shame, fear of hell and loss of salvation, female submission, control, isolation, Christian Dominionism, Christian nationalism, Christian domestic discipline, quiverfull theology, ATI and Bill Gothard, Reform and Calvinist theology, repeat pregnancies, rape, painful sexual encounters, severe medical events, death of an infant, grief, diminishment and loss of self, dissociation, and mental illness. Take care of yourself when you read this book. It’s incredible the entire way through, but even if you’re not a survivor of religious abuse and trauma like Ms. Levings, there are potentially triggering topics on every page. Survivors will see a reflection of the nightmares they lived through; non-survivors will be shocked and appalled at the devastation wreaked upon women and children in the name of God.
It was a family move to Florida, followed by her family’s eventual involvement with a Baptist megachurch, that set Tia Levings down a twisted path of Christian fundamentalism, patriarchy, and female submission. Due to a combination of heavy church influence and lack of family finances, Tia walked away from the idea of college (too worldly for Christian girls like her, anyway) and instead waited for God to send her a husband. And a husband was indeed sent - though by whom, I'm not sure - in the form of Allan, a Christian Air Force veteran who began abusing Tia even before they became engaged. But with the ideas of female submission and forgiveness firmly planted in Tia’s mind, she went along with what she’d been taught and married Allan anyway. It’s what a good Christian girl does.
Her long-anticipated wedding night was terrible, sounding like something straight out of Debi Pearl’s account of her own honeymoon (if you’re not familiar with the story, you can Google it, but I’m warning you, it’s horrific, and beware, because she and her awful husband are still some of the louder voices in this harmful patriarchal movement), and life only spiraled downward from there. “It’s my job to teach you what we believe,” Tia’s husband informed her. Another friend shamed her by telling her, “If you’re feeling personal ambition, Tia, you need to repent and ask Jesus to help you die to yourself.” It’s no wonder that she slowly began to feel like she was vanishing from her own life, using dissociation as a coping mechanism and losing large chunks of time as baby after baby joined their family.
Fundamentalist Christianity uses severe control tactics in order to keep women cowering and keep the men in charge, and this is evident in every sentence of this book. I scrawled down horrifying quote after horrifying quote in my notebook as I paged furiously through my kindle copy: “You disgust me with your opinions and individualism.” “The elders feel that women getting together is dangerous, because of our propensity to stray from spiritual topics into gossip when unattended by a head of household.” And, most chilling and stomach-turning of all, this quote, uttered by the husband of the woman in question: “Well, it’s time we should be getting home. Mommy’s getting a spanking.” And for context, the mother being referred to here was both pregnant and nursing at the time. And this wasn’t said in jest. This adult woman was going to be forcefully spanked like a child, as punishment, by her husband, upon returning to their house. This is an aspect of fundamentalism that Ms. Levings experienced as well. I nearly lost my lunch while reading the scenes that dealt with Christian domestic discipline.
Tia and her children eventually do make it out, but only barely, and the long-term effects ripple on today. Her story is told in such a way that you can feel her isolation, the mind-numbing boringness of it all, her desperation to give her kids the best life possible in the midst of all of this, her desire for more. And yet, her survival tactics of denial and downplaying make complete sense in the context of her religious indoctrination; this memoir is the best I’ve ever read at explaining the hows and whys of indoctrination and its effect on decision-making and survival.
This book is going to make some waves. Not just among survivor communities, but also among the general public. Because at the heart of it, this book, along with Tia Levings’ vibrant social media presence, serves as a warning: THIS is how Christian fundamentalists and nationalists want us all to live. All the abuse, the pain, the isolation that she suffered, this is the reality that people on the far right are trying to craft for everyone in the country. Learn it, recognize it, and join the fight against it.
If I could give this book more than five stars, I would. This is one of those books that I think no amount of words could ever do justice to in a review. It’s powerful, it’s masterful, it will shake you to your very core. Read this, but take care of yourself while you do. It’s not an easy read. Read it, then tell everyone you know about it so that they read it too, and are aware of how devastating patriarchal fundamentalist Christianity can be.
If you’re a survivor of religious trauma and/or spiritual abuse and are in need of support, please visit The Vashti Initiative at https://vashtiinitiative.org/. We’re here for you.
Huge thanks to NetGalley, Tia Levings, and St Martin’s Press for providing me with an early copy for review.
And I was not disappointed.
But I was shaken. Deeply. It’s that kind of book.
Several times, I had to put my kindle down and take a few deep breaths. Several more times, I had to pull out the tissues, and during one moment, I needed to stop and hug my daughter (still crying, of course).
Before I get into the meat of this review, please know that while this is an utterly amazing memoir that deserves to be read far and wide, it’s intense. It’s a LOT. It’s probably the heaviest escape memoir I’ve ever read, and I don’t say this lightly, because survivor stories are always heavy with the pain and trauma they’ve suffered at the hands of their cult. That said, Tia Levings' writing is raw; she doesn't hold back on walking her readers through her trauma and letting them know that this isn’t just her story. This is the story of a lot of women who have gotten pulled into fundamentalism.
This memoir revolves around themes of abuse (spiritual and religious, physical, emotional, and sexual), Christian fundamentalism, domestic violence, misogyny, Christian patriarchy, fear, shame, fear of hell and loss of salvation, female submission, control, isolation, Christian Dominionism, Christian nationalism, Christian domestic discipline, quiverfull theology, ATI and Bill Gothard, Reform and Calvinist theology, repeat pregnancies, rape, painful sexual encounters, severe medical events, death of an infant, grief, diminishment and loss of self, dissociation, and mental illness. Take care of yourself when you read this book. It’s incredible the entire way through, but even if you’re not a survivor of religious abuse and trauma like Ms. Levings, there are potentially triggering topics on every page. Survivors will see a reflection of the nightmares they lived through; non-survivors will be shocked and appalled at the devastation wreaked upon women and children in the name of God.
It was a family move to Florida, followed by her family’s eventual involvement with a Baptist megachurch, that set Tia Levings down a twisted path of Christian fundamentalism, patriarchy, and female submission. Due to a combination of heavy church influence and lack of family finances, Tia walked away from the idea of college (too worldly for Christian girls like her, anyway) and instead waited for God to send her a husband. And a husband was indeed sent - though by whom, I'm not sure - in the form of Allan, a Christian Air Force veteran who began abusing Tia even before they became engaged. But with the ideas of female submission and forgiveness firmly planted in Tia’s mind, she went along with what she’d been taught and married Allan anyway. It’s what a good Christian girl does.
Her long-anticipated wedding night was terrible, sounding like something straight out of Debi Pearl’s account of her own honeymoon (if you’re not familiar with the story, you can Google it, but I’m warning you, it’s horrific, and beware, because she and her awful husband are still some of the louder voices in this harmful patriarchal movement), and life only spiraled downward from there. “It’s my job to teach you what we believe,” Tia’s husband informed her. Another friend shamed her by telling her, “If you’re feeling personal ambition, Tia, you need to repent and ask Jesus to help you die to yourself.” It’s no wonder that she slowly began to feel like she was vanishing from her own life, using dissociation as a coping mechanism and losing large chunks of time as baby after baby joined their family.
Fundamentalist Christianity uses severe control tactics in order to keep women cowering and keep the men in charge, and this is evident in every sentence of this book. I scrawled down horrifying quote after horrifying quote in my notebook as I paged furiously through my kindle copy: “You disgust me with your opinions and individualism.” “The elders feel that women getting together is dangerous, because of our propensity to stray from spiritual topics into gossip when unattended by a head of household.” And, most chilling and stomach-turning of all, this quote, uttered by the husband of the woman in question: “Well, it’s time we should be getting home. Mommy’s getting a spanking.” And for context, the mother being referred to here was both pregnant and nursing at the time. And this wasn’t said in jest. This adult woman was going to be forcefully spanked like a child, as punishment, by her husband, upon returning to their house. This is an aspect of fundamentalism that Ms. Levings experienced as well. I nearly lost my lunch while reading the scenes that dealt with Christian domestic discipline.
Tia and her children eventually do make it out, but only barely, and the long-term effects ripple on today. Her story is told in such a way that you can feel her isolation, the mind-numbing boringness of it all, her desperation to give her kids the best life possible in the midst of all of this, her desire for more. And yet, her survival tactics of denial and downplaying make complete sense in the context of her religious indoctrination; this memoir is the best I’ve ever read at explaining the hows and whys of indoctrination and its effect on decision-making and survival.
This book is going to make some waves. Not just among survivor communities, but also among the general public. Because at the heart of it, this book, along with Tia Levings’ vibrant social media presence, serves as a warning: THIS is how Christian fundamentalists and nationalists want us all to live. All the abuse, the pain, the isolation that she suffered, this is the reality that people on the far right are trying to craft for everyone in the country. Learn it, recognize it, and join the fight against it.
If I could give this book more than five stars, I would. This is one of those books that I think no amount of words could ever do justice to in a review. It’s powerful, it’s masterful, it will shake you to your very core. Read this, but take care of yourself while you do. It’s not an easy read. Read it, then tell everyone you know about it so that they read it too, and are aware of how devastating patriarchal fundamentalist Christianity can be.
If you’re a survivor of religious trauma and/or spiritual abuse and are in need of support, please visit The Vashti Initiative at https://vashtiinitiative.org/. We’re here for you.
Huge thanks to NetGalley, Tia Levings, and St Martin’s Press for providing me with an early copy for review.
August 1, 2024
Although well written and horrifying, I wish she would have left out the word, “Christian.”Fundamentalist insanity is more like it. So much in the media today giving a false impression and description of true Christianity. Christianity also says the husband is to love his wife and give his life up for her. This book shows how one scripture taken completely out of context and then throwing out all other references in the Bible about loving one another, sacrifice , etc all thrown out. This is the same thing happening with Islam. A few extremists can ruin the world’s view of most anything today.
April 25, 2024
In her memoir 𝘈 𝘞𝘦𝘭𝘭-𝘛𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘞𝘪𝘧𝘦: 𝘔𝘺 𝘌𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘱𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘊𝘩𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘯 𝘗𝘢𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘢𝘳𝘤𝘩𝘺, writer Tia Levings shares in vivid detail her journey from an awkward girl yearning to be accepted in a new town to a young woman seeking out senses of purpose and security in the church and in marriage; a parent struggling to create a safe, nurturing environment for herself and her children despite stifling religious guidelines and a cruel, capricious husband; and finally a trauma survivor and anti-fundamentalist activist. By showing how her agreeable, people-pleasing nature and appreciation for rules and community were taken advantage of by religious leaders and her abuser, she is able to truly show readers the dangers of Christian fundamentalism. But by also depicting frequent inner conflicts due to her desires for knowledge and self-expression and then her family’s successful escape, she presents a story of strength, perseverance, and self-redemption as well.
This is a powerful, well-written autobiography. My only caveat is that sometimes Levings gets too in the weeds when explaining the tenets of different Christian sects, which I felt slowed down the narrative’s momentum. However, if you have an interest in religious studies or fundamentalist churches, this may not be a negative for you.
4.5 stars rounded up. Thank you to St. Martin’s Press and NetGalley for an advance reader copy in exchange for an honest review.
This is a powerful, well-written autobiography. My only caveat is that sometimes Levings gets too in the weeds when explaining the tenets of different Christian sects, which I felt slowed down the narrative’s momentum. However, if you have an interest in religious studies or fundamentalist churches, this may not be a negative for you.
4.5 stars rounded up. Thank you to St. Martin’s Press and NetGalley for an advance reader copy in exchange for an honest review.
August 19, 2024
This was a harrowing read. I can't say I liked it, nor that it was brilliant, but I think it is well done and definitely achieves its critical purpose.
Full Review:
Thank you to the author Tia Leving, publishers St. Martin's Press, and NetGalley for an advance digital copy of A WELL-TRAINED WIFE. All views are mine.
I could clean, plan , and come on command, but I couldn’t make myself feel happy. p151
[Submission] is not a cage. It’s a vacuum. As you give, the container squeezes harder, removing all air. p157
Some books are so important they don't even have to be good. This book is good, but not great, and yet I've given it five stars because I think the work is extremely important. Abuse narratives are always important because they expose the patriarchy; this story is even more critical than usual because of how important and powerful the particular branch of patriarchy was who abuse her. The Evangelical Christian Church.
"Your children will direct all their anger at him toward you, because you are here and safe and they can trust you not to leave when they get emotional....” ...[There] wasn’t a healthy way to hold absent men responsible for their own reputations. Somehow, I had to spread my arms wider and hold it all. p249
Three (or more) things I loved:
1. I think this book does a really good job of showing what it's like to be in a cult, the psychological hell that it is. Faith turns into fear, turns into rage. “Where’s your new baby?” “She’s dead.” “Oh, I’m so sorry, honey . . . I guess sometimes God needs a new rose for his garden.” Fuck God and his garden of dead babies. ...Worse than the cashier was the procession of sad Christians who didn’t know what to say with their cream-of-crap casseroles. p129
2. Such a fascinating topical intersection, I'm pleased she was able to make so much space for this in this book. It astonished me to see that men who venerated women, instead of relegating them to merely functional vessels to be filled and fucked and fiddled with, were different kinds of men. Father Stephen didn’t speak of women as if they were objects. They were important enough to name. They had identities and faces, stories and sometimes, voices. p201
3. There are detailed and numerous descriptions of cruelty to animals and animal suffering in this book. I would have appreciated a content warning, but I would have been okay if there hadn't been a scene which mindlessly prejudices feral cats as being diseased, and then describes the innocent animals equally mindless murder.
Three (or less) things I didn't love:
This section isn't only for criticisms. It's merely for items that I felt something for other than "love" or some interpretation thereof.
1. God did kill mothers. He was in control, not us. If I didn’t submit, he’d teach me a lesson too. I knew now God could take anyone, at any time, and I didn’t want to lose my family. A year later, I didn’t have stomachaches only on Sundays— I had them every day. Loc. 174
2. I'm surprised how personal the narrative is, I guess. What I like about THE EXVANGELICALS for example is the mixture of personal narrative, religious commentary, and religious background or history. This narrative, on the other hand, is told primarily using the author's memories for the timeline.
3. The dangers of premarital SEX included pregnancy and GONGA-RHEA. p35 I mean...I feel like I'm being punked. My assisting reader couldn't pronounce this mutilation of gonorrhea, so I had to peer through my perpetual blur to see GONGA-RHEA. I can't figure out, with the way this is written, if this is what the author's virginal ears first heard? Is this what her miseducating elders actually said it was? Is she being hyperbolic to reflect her elders' general attitudes about basic sexual science? I can't tell, and that's on the author, who really has a responsibility to write clearly because she is writing about such an important topic.
4. A concerned mother could find a wisdom booklet to match any burning concern she had for her family. p100 Disconcerting that parents wouldn't parent, but would rather funnel this doctrine through to their children.
5. Look, I'm not questioning this author's experience, but good doctors don't diagnose MS off of symptoms or a single visit. Her doctors apparently said there wasn't a test for MS, and there is no one single test. There are like ten, and they run all of them over a great deal of time. And still, it can be very difficult to diagnose MS. Beyond all that, I'm so glad the author found answers and solutions for her condition!
Rating: 🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀 /5 of God's roses
Recommend? Yes!
Finished: Aug 15 '24
Format: Digital arc, Kindle, NetGalley
Read this book if you like:
👤 memoirs
🕊 cult escape stories
💇♀️ women's coming of age
🌤 redemption stories
👨👩👦👦 family stories/drama
Full Review:
Thank you to the author Tia Leving, publishers St. Martin's Press, and NetGalley for an advance digital copy of A WELL-TRAINED WIFE. All views are mine.
I could clean, plan , and come on command, but I couldn’t make myself feel happy. p151
[Submission] is not a cage. It’s a vacuum. As you give, the container squeezes harder, removing all air. p157
Some books are so important they don't even have to be good. This book is good, but not great, and yet I've given it five stars because I think the work is extremely important. Abuse narratives are always important because they expose the patriarchy; this story is even more critical than usual because of how important and powerful the particular branch of patriarchy was who abuse her. The Evangelical Christian Church.
"Your children will direct all their anger at him toward you, because you are here and safe and they can trust you not to leave when they get emotional....” ...[There] wasn’t a healthy way to hold absent men responsible for their own reputations. Somehow, I had to spread my arms wider and hold it all. p249
Three (or more) things I loved:
1. I think this book does a really good job of showing what it's like to be in a cult, the psychological hell that it is. Faith turns into fear, turns into rage. “Where’s your new baby?” “She’s dead.” “Oh, I’m so sorry, honey . . . I guess sometimes God needs a new rose for his garden.” Fuck God and his garden of dead babies. ...Worse than the cashier was the procession of sad Christians who didn’t know what to say with their cream-of-crap casseroles. p129
2. Such a fascinating topical intersection, I'm pleased she was able to make so much space for this in this book. It astonished me to see that men who venerated women, instead of relegating them to merely functional vessels to be filled and fucked and fiddled with, were different kinds of men. Father Stephen didn’t speak of women as if they were objects. They were important enough to name. They had identities and faces, stories and sometimes, voices. p201
3. There are detailed and numerous descriptions of cruelty to animals and animal suffering in this book. I would have appreciated a content warning, but I would have been okay if there hadn't been a scene which mindlessly prejudices feral cats as being diseased, and then describes the innocent animals equally mindless murder.
Three (or less) things I didn't love:
This section isn't only for criticisms. It's merely for items that I felt something for other than "love" or some interpretation thereof.
1. God did kill mothers. He was in control, not us. If I didn’t submit, he’d teach me a lesson too. I knew now God could take anyone, at any time, and I didn’t want to lose my family. A year later, I didn’t have stomachaches only on Sundays— I had them every day. Loc. 174
2. I'm surprised how personal the narrative is, I guess. What I like about THE EXVANGELICALS for example is the mixture of personal narrative, religious commentary, and religious background or history. This narrative, on the other hand, is told primarily using the author's memories for the timeline.
3. The dangers of premarital SEX included pregnancy and GONGA-RHEA. p35 I mean...I feel like I'm being punked. My assisting reader couldn't pronounce this mutilation of gonorrhea, so I had to peer through my perpetual blur to see GONGA-RHEA. I can't figure out, with the way this is written, if this is what the author's virginal ears first heard? Is this what her miseducating elders actually said it was? Is she being hyperbolic to reflect her elders' general attitudes about basic sexual science? I can't tell, and that's on the author, who really has a responsibility to write clearly because she is writing about such an important topic.
4. A concerned mother could find a wisdom booklet to match any burning concern she had for her family. p100 Disconcerting that parents wouldn't parent, but would rather funnel this doctrine through to their children.
5. Look, I'm not questioning this author's experience, but good doctors don't diagnose MS off of symptoms or a single visit. Her doctors apparently said there wasn't a test for MS, and there is no one single test. There are like ten, and they run all of them over a great deal of time. And still, it can be very difficult to diagnose MS. Beyond all that, I'm so glad the author found answers and solutions for her condition!
Rating: 🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀 /5 of God's roses
Recommend? Yes!
Finished: Aug 15 '24
Format: Digital arc, Kindle, NetGalley
Read this book if you like:
👤 memoirs
🕊 cult escape stories
💇♀️ women's coming of age
🌤 redemption stories
👨👩👦👦 family stories/drama
July 26, 2024
I am going to be honest, this book broke me inside.
I grew up Episcopalian, in a major city, under the influence of acceptance and love for our communities, but I have ALWAYS been fascinated with the chokehold that Christian Fundamentalism has on so many in America. It's so hard as someone who grew up going to a mainstream church to understand how so many women not only JOIN Christian Fundamentalist cults (yes, they are harmful cults disguised as religion), but STAY in them, all while practicing and preaching ideas that go against Christianity in every way. This book is such a great insight to how people fall into this world, how they are manipulated and emotionally destroyed to stay.
Tia Levings' book is emotional. It is HEART WRENCHING. It is so, so needed in the America of today, where so many leaders in this world are bought and paid for by the Fundamentalist cult machine. To watch her struggle to fit herself in a world where she was nothing more than a utensil for man's power, to hide herself and her true personality for survival, to somehow ESCAPE from this world? Unbelievable.
A Well-Trained Wife is a good preview of the world under Project 2025 and the current GOP agenda. Where so many men in power would like to expand their influence and destroy the will of 50% of the population and their own children. It is a must-read for anyone who does not see the harm that Christian Fundamentalism ultimately does to society.
Tia Levings is so brave. So, so brave.
Honestly, I need to go touch grass for a bit and hug my babies tight.
I received an advance review copy for free from NetGalley, and I am leaving this review voluntarily. Honestly though, I would give this 1000 stars if I could, and plan to buy this book physically when it comes out.
I grew up Episcopalian, in a major city, under the influence of acceptance and love for our communities, but I have ALWAYS been fascinated with the chokehold that Christian Fundamentalism has on so many in America. It's so hard as someone who grew up going to a mainstream church to understand how so many women not only JOIN Christian Fundamentalist cults (yes, they are harmful cults disguised as religion), but STAY in them, all while practicing and preaching ideas that go against Christianity in every way. This book is such a great insight to how people fall into this world, how they are manipulated and emotionally destroyed to stay.
Tia Levings' book is emotional. It is HEART WRENCHING. It is so, so needed in the America of today, where so many leaders in this world are bought and paid for by the Fundamentalist cult machine. To watch her struggle to fit herself in a world where she was nothing more than a utensil for man's power, to hide herself and her true personality for survival, to somehow ESCAPE from this world? Unbelievable.
A Well-Trained Wife is a good preview of the world under Project 2025 and the current GOP agenda. Where so many men in power would like to expand their influence and destroy the will of 50% of the population and their own children. It is a must-read for anyone who does not see the harm that Christian Fundamentalism ultimately does to society.
Tia Levings is so brave. So, so brave.
Honestly, I need to go touch grass for a bit and hug my babies tight.
I received an advance review copy for free from NetGalley, and I am leaving this review voluntarily. Honestly though, I would give this 1000 stars if I could, and plan to buy this book physically when it comes out.
August 24, 2024
An absolutely riveting book—-until it wasn’t. Tia Levings puts the reader front-and-center in a marriage sprouted from one of the country’s more “plain sight” cults—The IBLP. As her marriage to a completely brutal man (and from the get-go, he showed signs of schizophrenia) unravels and she finds herself needing to escape a family-annihilation situation, Tia finds she has to turn from the teachings branded into her by her religious upbringing into a sort of freedom she never imagined could exist for her.
Sounds riveting, right? Well, it is. Even if the prose is uneven and full of similes both cliched (“the sun made the waves glint like diamonds,” and bizarre, (“zits sprang from my face like a circus in a parking lot,”), her story packs a punch and you’re turning pages waiting to see how each cliffhanger plays out.
And then—-the story plops onto the paper like a bag of flaming dogshit plops on the sidewalk after being dropped from a skyscraper (see what I did there?) Tia and the kids escape. They find refuge with her parents. She builds a career in the burgeoning social media marketing industry, but the most important thing of all is that Tia finds pop-psychology and defines her “life outside the patriarchy” with quotes from Adrienne Rich poetry and from snippets of “Eat, Pray, Love.” There are two Tia’s . Wait. There are four Tias, but they are all embodied in a female Puma. Or leopardess. Maybe there are more Tias, it’s hard to tell exactly, because the revolving door of therapists have her reliving traumatic moments in order to “find the truth in them.” Oh. And if you find yourself worried about the state of the economy and unemployment and support Republican views on the matter, YOU ARE VOTING FOR THE PATRIARCHY. Her leaps of logic and her mental/intellectual malleability made me wonder why her editors didn’t slice off the last 4 chapters of the manuscript. You want to cheer for the woman who has overcome so much, but you’re left confused about if she’s really in a different place than before. Ugh.
Sounds riveting, right? Well, it is. Even if the prose is uneven and full of similes both cliched (“the sun made the waves glint like diamonds,” and bizarre, (“zits sprang from my face like a circus in a parking lot,”), her story packs a punch and you’re turning pages waiting to see how each cliffhanger plays out.
And then—-the story plops onto the paper like a bag of flaming dogshit plops on the sidewalk after being dropped from a skyscraper (see what I did there?) Tia and the kids escape. They find refuge with her parents. She builds a career in the burgeoning social media marketing industry, but the most important thing of all is that Tia finds pop-psychology and defines her “life outside the patriarchy” with quotes from Adrienne Rich poetry and from snippets of “Eat, Pray, Love.” There are two Tia’s . Wait. There are four Tias, but they are all embodied in a female Puma. Or leopardess. Maybe there are more Tias, it’s hard to tell exactly, because the revolving door of therapists have her reliving traumatic moments in order to “find the truth in them.” Oh. And if you find yourself worried about the state of the economy and unemployment and support Republican views on the matter, YOU ARE VOTING FOR THE PATRIARCHY. Her leaps of logic and her mental/intellectual malleability made me wonder why her editors didn’t slice off the last 4 chapters of the manuscript. You want to cheer for the woman who has overcome so much, but you’re left confused about if she’s really in a different place than before. Ugh.
April 20, 2025
A Well-Trained Wife was hard to read — I admire Tia Levings making the brave decision to escape Christian patriarchy, especially when she was raised in the same community, with delusional beliefs about her self-worth and expectations for a life of obedience.
Between her upbringing and her abusive husband, Tia was in terrible situations and it was difficult to hear about all she endured. I admire Tia’s willingness to share her story and break the cycle for her kids. I hope A Well-Trained Wife inspires any women who have lost their freedom or their voice to fight back to reclaim it.
Between her upbringing and her abusive husband, Tia was in terrible situations and it was difficult to hear about all she endured. I admire Tia’s willingness to share her story and break the cycle for her kids. I hope A Well-Trained Wife inspires any women who have lost their freedom or their voice to fight back to reclaim it.
December 20, 2024
Wenn ihr wissen wollt, was bei den fundamentalistischen christlichen Kirchen in den USA abgeht und warum viele Frauen sich darauf einlassen, lest/hört dieses Buch. Das zweite wirklich beeindruckende Memoir zu dem Thema für mich in diesem Jahr.
Rezension:
Tia Levings ist im jungen Grundschulalter, als ihre Eltern nach Jacksonville, Florida, ziehen und Mitglieder der dortigen First Baptist Church, einer ultra-konservativen Megachurch werden. So erfährt sie bereits in jungem Alter von der Hölle, in der sie landen wird, wenn sie nicht alle Regeln der Kirche einhält (ihr werden u. a. Bilder von Höllenqualen gezeigt), dass der Wortlaut der Bibel die einzige Wahrheit sei und dass Jesus für ihre Sünden Schmerzen erleide. Und natürlich zählt alles, was nicht dem strengen patriarchalen Frauenbild des christlichen Fundamentalismus entspricht, zu den Sünden. Das Jüngste Gericht ist nicht mehr fern. So verzichtet Tia auf den Besuch einer Kunstakademie und heiratet, wie das vermeintlich für sie vorgesehen ist. Ihr Mann ist mit 21 zwei Jahre älter als sie und hat sie bereits vor der Verlobung das erste Mal geschlagen. Gott will offenbar, dass sie diesen Mann, der auch seinem Vater gegenüber schon gewalttätig war, rettet.
Wir haben alle von den evangelikalen Kirchen und Megachurches in den USA gehört. Vielleicht kennt ihr sogar die Bücher von Annika Brockschmidt, in denen sie vor einer geplanten Machtübernahme der fundamentalistischen Christen in Amerika warnt. Doch um zu begreifen, wie das Leben in diesen Gemeinden wirklich aussieht und wie stark deren Ansichten verbreitet sind, muss man von einer Insiderin hören. Frauen haben dort ihrem Mann zu gehorchen, ihm bei seinen Zielen zu unterstützen und natürlich Hausfrau und Mutter zu sein. Außerdem müssen sie dem Mann jederzeit sexuell zur Verfügung stehen. Tia Levings aus christlicher Überzeugung eingegangene Ehe ist von Anfang an von Gewalt geprägt. Ihr Ehemann ist ebenfalls ein strenggläubiger Baptist, bald schon sind ihm die Regeln der Baptistenkirche nicht mehr streng genug. Er zwingt Tia von einer radikalen Gruppierung in die nächste. Eine eigene Meinung ist nicht erwünscht, auch das Wählen verbietet ihr Mann ihr, es sei denn, sie stimmt für seinen bevorzugten Kandidaten (erinnert ihr euch an den Wahlspot der Demokraten, in dem eine Frau heimlich anders wählt als ihr Mann?). Er zwingt sie dazu, ihn "my Lord" zu nennen und sie darf nur noch von ihm genehmigte Bücher lesen, abgesehen von der Pflichtlektüre, die er ihr auferlegt. In der vorletzten Kirche, in der Tia mit ihrem Mann Mitglied wird, ist das Verprügeln der eigenen Frau als Strafe üblich. Zunehmend zeigt der Mann auffälliges Verhalten auch jenseits seiner religiösen Überzeugungen. Als die Situation irgendwann brandgefährlich für ihr eigenes Leben und das ihrer Kinder wird, wird Tia klar, dass sie fliehen muss. Die Flucht gelingt. In Freiheit werden Tias Talente, die sie trotz der konstanten Überwachung durch ihren Mann schon während ihrer Ehe zum Erstellen von Websites und eines eigenen Blogs genutzt hat, erst wirklich offenbar.
Tia Levings bezeichnet sich heute als "spiritually private". Ihre Geschichte ist erschütternd, ihre Selbstbefreiung, ihr Kampf gegen die durch die zahlreichen Traumata entwickelten Symptome und ihre weitere Entwicklung immens beeindruckend. Außerdem ist dies das Memoir einer fähigen Autorin, die Frau kann wirklich schreiben.
Lest oder hört ihre Geschichte selbst oder hört sie euch an (eine Übersetzung liegt offenbar noch nicht vor, Stand: 20.12.2024), um zu erfahren, wie nahe an "The Handmaid's Tale" Teile der US-Bevölkerung tatsächlich schon sind. Und um zu verstehen, warum Frauen sich überhaupt selbst in solche Situationen begeben und ihre Männer nicht verlassen. Das Hörbuch hat sie selbst eingelesen, sie hat eine sehr angenehme Stimme, die trotz der dramatischen Schilderungen nie wirklich bricht. Tia Levings engagiert sich heute gegen den christlichen Fundamentalismus, der durch die erneute Wahl von Donald Trump zum Präsidenten und das Project 2025 der Republikaner droht, einen weiteren Boom zu erleben.
Rezension:
Tia Levings ist im jungen Grundschulalter, als ihre Eltern nach Jacksonville, Florida, ziehen und Mitglieder der dortigen First Baptist Church, einer ultra-konservativen Megachurch werden. So erfährt sie bereits in jungem Alter von der Hölle, in der sie landen wird, wenn sie nicht alle Regeln der Kirche einhält (ihr werden u. a. Bilder von Höllenqualen gezeigt), dass der Wortlaut der Bibel die einzige Wahrheit sei und dass Jesus für ihre Sünden Schmerzen erleide. Und natürlich zählt alles, was nicht dem strengen patriarchalen Frauenbild des christlichen Fundamentalismus entspricht, zu den Sünden. Das Jüngste Gericht ist nicht mehr fern. So verzichtet Tia auf den Besuch einer Kunstakademie und heiratet, wie das vermeintlich für sie vorgesehen ist. Ihr Mann ist mit 21 zwei Jahre älter als sie und hat sie bereits vor der Verlobung das erste Mal geschlagen. Gott will offenbar, dass sie diesen Mann, der auch seinem Vater gegenüber schon gewalttätig war, rettet.
Wir haben alle von den evangelikalen Kirchen und Megachurches in den USA gehört. Vielleicht kennt ihr sogar die Bücher von Annika Brockschmidt, in denen sie vor einer geplanten Machtübernahme der fundamentalistischen Christen in Amerika warnt. Doch um zu begreifen, wie das Leben in diesen Gemeinden wirklich aussieht und wie stark deren Ansichten verbreitet sind, muss man von einer Insiderin hören. Frauen haben dort ihrem Mann zu gehorchen, ihm bei seinen Zielen zu unterstützen und natürlich Hausfrau und Mutter zu sein. Außerdem müssen sie dem Mann jederzeit sexuell zur Verfügung stehen. Tia Levings aus christlicher Überzeugung eingegangene Ehe ist von Anfang an von Gewalt geprägt. Ihr Ehemann ist ebenfalls ein strenggläubiger Baptist, bald schon sind ihm die Regeln der Baptistenkirche nicht mehr streng genug. Er zwingt Tia von einer radikalen Gruppierung in die nächste. Eine eigene Meinung ist nicht erwünscht, auch das Wählen verbietet ihr Mann ihr, es sei denn, sie stimmt für seinen bevorzugten Kandidaten (erinnert ihr euch an den Wahlspot der Demokraten, in dem eine Frau heimlich anders wählt als ihr Mann?). Er zwingt sie dazu, ihn "my Lord" zu nennen und sie darf nur noch von ihm genehmigte Bücher lesen, abgesehen von der Pflichtlektüre, die er ihr auferlegt. In der vorletzten Kirche, in der Tia mit ihrem Mann Mitglied wird, ist das Verprügeln der eigenen Frau als Strafe üblich. Zunehmend zeigt der Mann auffälliges Verhalten auch jenseits seiner religiösen Überzeugungen. Als die Situation irgendwann brandgefährlich für ihr eigenes Leben und das ihrer Kinder wird, wird Tia klar, dass sie fliehen muss. Die Flucht gelingt. In Freiheit werden Tias Talente, die sie trotz der konstanten Überwachung durch ihren Mann schon während ihrer Ehe zum Erstellen von Websites und eines eigenen Blogs genutzt hat, erst wirklich offenbar.
Tia Levings bezeichnet sich heute als "spiritually private". Ihre Geschichte ist erschütternd, ihre Selbstbefreiung, ihr Kampf gegen die durch die zahlreichen Traumata entwickelten Symptome und ihre weitere Entwicklung immens beeindruckend. Außerdem ist dies das Memoir einer fähigen Autorin, die Frau kann wirklich schreiben.
Lest oder hört ihre Geschichte selbst oder hört sie euch an (eine Übersetzung liegt offenbar noch nicht vor, Stand: 20.12.2024), um zu erfahren, wie nahe an "The Handmaid's Tale" Teile der US-Bevölkerung tatsächlich schon sind. Und um zu verstehen, warum Frauen sich überhaupt selbst in solche Situationen begeben und ihre Männer nicht verlassen. Das Hörbuch hat sie selbst eingelesen, sie hat eine sehr angenehme Stimme, die trotz der dramatischen Schilderungen nie wirklich bricht. Tia Levings engagiert sich heute gegen den christlichen Fundamentalismus, der durch die erneute Wahl von Donald Trump zum Präsidenten und das Project 2025 der Republikaner droht, einen weiteren Boom zu erleben.
August 18, 2024
Another in a rash of recent creative "memoirs" that detail a former believer in Jesus "escaping the Christian patriarchy." And most of the books are the same: authors making up long detailed quotes from early childhood, turning rebellious, making bad early adulthood decisions, and then trying to pin all the blame and mental problems on Christianity instead of seeing themselves as the problem.
This book is misleading and unfair in its treatment of Levings' alleged life story. For a couple of dozen early pages, she goes in in amazing detail including lots of quotes from when she was very young. Unless she had a tape recorder going 24 hours a day almost all the things she wrote in the first few chapters of the book are impossible to prove. That, along with her admitting that characters are composites and facts have been fictionalized, should lead any reader to conclude her version of events are largely exaggerated distant pieces of memory that can't be trusted as accurate.
One of the most interesting ironies is that Tia claims to have at some point started to journal and in the book she mentions things from the journals, usually without quoting them. So she quotes from memory but doesn't quote from what she had written down years earlier? At one point when describing from memory her future husbands forceful attempt to have sex with her for the first time, she writes that when he left, "I grabbed my journal and didn't write what happened. 'I can imagine marrying him one day,' I wrote." So she is confirming that she is pulling condemning accusations from her (faulty) memory and that her writing states the opposite. This should concern every reader.
Look closely at the minimal facts and you'll see that Levings was making bad choices since she was six years old, rebelling by sexualizing and running with the wrong crowd. Her parents seemed to be caring and moved her to a new place when bullies started after her in a Christian school, but Tia continued to doubt that she really had a belief in Christ and made a lot of bad decisions.
She misrepresents the Baptist faith she was raised in. The author does name the church and pastors who she makes claims against, saying they tell a woman her only role in life is being a wife and mother, and make absurd condemnations of just about everything that might bring pleasure. I was a member of Baptist churches for decades and this author is distorting the teachings of the faith, intentionally looking back and recreating imagery from decades earlier where she wants to make Christians look as horrible as she can. Nothing positive is mentioned about the faith (beyond a couple other rebel church and school pals!) and the conclusion seems to be that church pastors are cultlike in their "requirement" that women act a certain way.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Free will is the foundation of Christian theology and Levings at any point could have chosen to leave the church, not marry a guy she didn't trust, abandon a husband who abused her, and start to stand up for herself. But she doesn't do it--that's HER problem and can't be blamed on just the culture or the system or the religion. She needs to point the blame at her foolish self. During the young adult years when she could have left on her own, she instead did the opposite and digs in deeper, falling for a loser who is so obviously not walking the Christian walk that even Levings knows no one wants her to marry him, so she just abandons everyone else to be bound to a guy she barely knows.
Evangelical churches are not cults nor threatening military structures. There is no more coercion to act a certain way than if you joined a sports team or an AA group. Anytime you voluntarily agree to join an organized peer group with a certain structure you are going to be expected to act a certain way, abide by leadership decisions, or you have to leave. If you feel someone is violating your rights or the agreed-upon rules, then you have to speak up before you go. In this case it was really as easy as that, yet the author repeatedly says she "felt" like she was being "forced" into things due to the "guilt trip" they'd put on her about sin and hell. Nope, that's a distorted narrative in terms of the church, though there may have been some of that in her marriage to a truly horrible man. He may have tried to push the idea of her submission to the point of accepting abuse, but that certainly isn't what Christianity or Baptists teach. And, as in other books, if church leaders aren't told the complete truth or they're lied to, it's difficult to get them to support a marriage split. And even then, you don't need anyone's permission to walk out.
The reasons she says she didn't break up with her husband: "Sex ruled out an annulment." False. "Divorce wasn't allowed." Not only false, but Jesus allowed it. "We skirted the point in Sunday School. No one talked about sex." True. That is a major issue in Christian churches. "I kept up appearances." Well, that's her choice. And instead of doing something proactively or accepting part of the blame, she makes sure to state that it wasn't her fault. She did try and quotes a number of authors or seminars, like "Fascinating Womanhood" or Bill Gothard. But the problem is that everything these "experts" say is taken as gospel when in truth they are just man-made boundaries useful to help among peers--just as happens in playing sports or being in AA. If you don't like it, leave.
I don't trust what she writes but there is a large amount of detail in the abuse stories, and of course no violence is ever justified. Any evangelical will agree with that and will question why this writer accepted the abuse, especially when her spouse's violence started before they were engaged. Levings tries in the book to push the blame on the church expectation of her being submissive, using the phrase "church-sanctioned wife abuse," but again she is not telling readers the truth about Baptist teachings. She was a member of the third largest Southern Baptist congregation in the U.S. and Baptists are the second-largest group of Christian believers in America. Does she expect us to believe that all those tens of millions of women were cultlike followers, duped into servitude, accepted abuse and needed help to "escape." How ridiculous.
I could literally sit down with her and go through every page, pointing out her disingenuous conclusions that are filtered through a leftist-feminist lens, drawing inaccurate conclusions and refusing to take responsibility for her own bad choices. She sees through a glass darkly and concludes it is night instead of seeing the brightness of the light.
In the end she abandons the faith and now makes a living off working with others that have claims of "religious trauma," believing only in what she says is "love." Right. This hate-filled, demeaning, blame-shifting memoir is certainly not evidence of her love nor her ability to overcome her traumatic past. The thing she needs to escape from is in her own mind.
This book is misleading and unfair in its treatment of Levings' alleged life story. For a couple of dozen early pages, she goes in in amazing detail including lots of quotes from when she was very young. Unless she had a tape recorder going 24 hours a day almost all the things she wrote in the first few chapters of the book are impossible to prove. That, along with her admitting that characters are composites and facts have been fictionalized, should lead any reader to conclude her version of events are largely exaggerated distant pieces of memory that can't be trusted as accurate.
One of the most interesting ironies is that Tia claims to have at some point started to journal and in the book she mentions things from the journals, usually without quoting them. So she quotes from memory but doesn't quote from what she had written down years earlier? At one point when describing from memory her future husbands forceful attempt to have sex with her for the first time, she writes that when he left, "I grabbed my journal and didn't write what happened. 'I can imagine marrying him one day,' I wrote." So she is confirming that she is pulling condemning accusations from her (faulty) memory and that her writing states the opposite. This should concern every reader.
Look closely at the minimal facts and you'll see that Levings was making bad choices since she was six years old, rebelling by sexualizing and running with the wrong crowd. Her parents seemed to be caring and moved her to a new place when bullies started after her in a Christian school, but Tia continued to doubt that she really had a belief in Christ and made a lot of bad decisions.
She misrepresents the Baptist faith she was raised in. The author does name the church and pastors who she makes claims against, saying they tell a woman her only role in life is being a wife and mother, and make absurd condemnations of just about everything that might bring pleasure. I was a member of Baptist churches for decades and this author is distorting the teachings of the faith, intentionally looking back and recreating imagery from decades earlier where she wants to make Christians look as horrible as she can. Nothing positive is mentioned about the faith (beyond a couple other rebel church and school pals!) and the conclusion seems to be that church pastors are cultlike in their "requirement" that women act a certain way.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Free will is the foundation of Christian theology and Levings at any point could have chosen to leave the church, not marry a guy she didn't trust, abandon a husband who abused her, and start to stand up for herself. But she doesn't do it--that's HER problem and can't be blamed on just the culture or the system or the religion. She needs to point the blame at her foolish self. During the young adult years when she could have left on her own, she instead did the opposite and digs in deeper, falling for a loser who is so obviously not walking the Christian walk that even Levings knows no one wants her to marry him, so she just abandons everyone else to be bound to a guy she barely knows.
Evangelical churches are not cults nor threatening military structures. There is no more coercion to act a certain way than if you joined a sports team or an AA group. Anytime you voluntarily agree to join an organized peer group with a certain structure you are going to be expected to act a certain way, abide by leadership decisions, or you have to leave. If you feel someone is violating your rights or the agreed-upon rules, then you have to speak up before you go. In this case it was really as easy as that, yet the author repeatedly says she "felt" like she was being "forced" into things due to the "guilt trip" they'd put on her about sin and hell. Nope, that's a distorted narrative in terms of the church, though there may have been some of that in her marriage to a truly horrible man. He may have tried to push the idea of her submission to the point of accepting abuse, but that certainly isn't what Christianity or Baptists teach. And, as in other books, if church leaders aren't told the complete truth or they're lied to, it's difficult to get them to support a marriage split. And even then, you don't need anyone's permission to walk out.
The reasons she says she didn't break up with her husband: "Sex ruled out an annulment." False. "Divorce wasn't allowed." Not only false, but Jesus allowed it. "We skirted the point in Sunday School. No one talked about sex." True. That is a major issue in Christian churches. "I kept up appearances." Well, that's her choice. And instead of doing something proactively or accepting part of the blame, she makes sure to state that it wasn't her fault. She did try and quotes a number of authors or seminars, like "Fascinating Womanhood" or Bill Gothard. But the problem is that everything these "experts" say is taken as gospel when in truth they are just man-made boundaries useful to help among peers--just as happens in playing sports or being in AA. If you don't like it, leave.
I don't trust what she writes but there is a large amount of detail in the abuse stories, and of course no violence is ever justified. Any evangelical will agree with that and will question why this writer accepted the abuse, especially when her spouse's violence started before they were engaged. Levings tries in the book to push the blame on the church expectation of her being submissive, using the phrase "church-sanctioned wife abuse," but again she is not telling readers the truth about Baptist teachings. She was a member of the third largest Southern Baptist congregation in the U.S. and Baptists are the second-largest group of Christian believers in America. Does she expect us to believe that all those tens of millions of women were cultlike followers, duped into servitude, accepted abuse and needed help to "escape." How ridiculous.
I could literally sit down with her and go through every page, pointing out her disingenuous conclusions that are filtered through a leftist-feminist lens, drawing inaccurate conclusions and refusing to take responsibility for her own bad choices. She sees through a glass darkly and concludes it is night instead of seeing the brightness of the light.
In the end she abandons the faith and now makes a living off working with others that have claims of "religious trauma," believing only in what she says is "love." Right. This hate-filled, demeaning, blame-shifting memoir is certainly not evidence of her love nor her ability to overcome her traumatic past. The thing she needs to escape from is in her own mind.
August 16, 2024
Reading this book made me feel shocked and furious. I had to put Tia's beautiful book down a few times to take deep breaths because I was crying so much.
Tia Levings was raised in a fundamentalist Christian religion where wives submit to their husbands and do not question their choices. She talks about growing up in a very restrictive environment and how she eventually worked up the guts to escape her abusive marriage and town in pursuit of equality. She explains the harmful doctrines of patriarchy and demonstrates the unsettling ways in which they have crept into our culture and the church.
I'm amazed by Levings's strength and insight; this was an amazing book. Despite everything that she has been through, she remains kind, loving, and optimistic.
The story was written in an amazing way. I have nothing but praise for this book. Though I believe many people should read it, this book should be tackled cautiously due to its sensitive subjects.
Tia Levings was raised in a fundamentalist Christian religion where wives submit to their husbands and do not question their choices. She talks about growing up in a very restrictive environment and how she eventually worked up the guts to escape her abusive marriage and town in pursuit of equality. She explains the harmful doctrines of patriarchy and demonstrates the unsettling ways in which they have crept into our culture and the church.
I'm amazed by Levings's strength and insight; this was an amazing book. Despite everything that she has been through, she remains kind, loving, and optimistic.
The story was written in an amazing way. I have nothing but praise for this book. Though I believe many people should read it, this book should be tackled cautiously due to its sensitive subjects.
November 22, 2024
UGH!! I’m so happy it’s over.
The one question that kept niggling at me-where was this woman’s common sense?!! The day the man I was dating punches me in the windpipe (after telling me he punched his Dad in the face) would have sent me running.
The one question that kept niggling at me-where was this woman’s common sense?!! The day the man I was dating punches me in the windpipe (after telling me he punched his Dad in the face) would have sent me running.
June 24, 2024
Wow! What a courageous and brave woman. I couldn’t put this down and had to constantly remind myself this isn’t fiction—This happened to her and is happening to many others like her right now.
With the far right pushing their conservative Christian views on all of us by any means and “trad wives” being a “trend” right now, this book is all the more important. Let it be the warning bell that patriarchy is a virus.
Her story is also an achingly honest and accurate portrayal of living in an abusive relationship and surviving with PTSD
With the far right pushing their conservative Christian views on all of us by any means and “trad wives” being a “trend” right now, this book is all the more important. Let it be the warning bell that patriarchy is a virus.
Her story is also an achingly honest and accurate portrayal of living in an abusive relationship and surviving with PTSD
October 8, 2024
I really sympathize with the author. I sympathize with all women subjected to abusive relationships. I’ve been there and I won’t even discuss it so writing a book is a bravery I can’t even imagine.
My rating is based on the title and the generalization of this behavior being the fault of her husband Christianity. Her husband was no Christian. He was an abuser who used religion to justify his behavior.
My rating is based on the title and the generalization of this behavior being the fault of her husband Christianity. Her husband was no Christian. He was an abuser who used religion to justify his behavior.
September 14, 2024
This harrowing and beautifully written memoir explores the author’s journey into —and eventual escape from—fundamentalist Christianity. It recounts how extreme patriarchal theology enabled her abusive husband’s violence against her, and how changing her beliefs empowered her to leave her marriage. Full review at BookBrowse: https://www.bookbrowse.com/mag/review...
May 26, 2025
I was familiar with fragments of Tia Levings' story through Instagram, but seeing it all woven together in this book was heartbreaking.
While her experiences are uniquely her own, the teachings and mindsets that fueled both her husband's abuse and her conflict about whether his behavior was even wrong are not unique to her.
Stories like Tia’s are not only made possible, but probable, through the teachings of people like Bill Gothard, Doug Wilson, and Mike and Debi Pearl. These rigidly complementarian and patriarchal teachings are objectively harmful to both men and women, even if some stories may not at first glance look as overtly abusive as Tia's.
While her experiences are uniquely her own, the teachings and mindsets that fueled both her husband's abuse and her conflict about whether his behavior was even wrong are not unique to her.
Stories like Tia’s are not only made possible, but probable, through the teachings of people like Bill Gothard, Doug Wilson, and Mike and Debi Pearl. These rigidly complementarian and patriarchal teachings are objectively harmful to both men and women, even if some stories may not at first glance look as overtly abusive as Tia's.
July 28, 2025
Nightmare fuel on steroids.
May this kind of love never ever find me.
May this kind of love never ever find me.
May 24, 2025
This book really surprised me by how it pulled me in. The story is real but told in an accessible, narrative style. It is thought provoking, infuriating, sad and impressive in different ways and one I’d highly recommend.
November 19, 2024
I’m really glad that the author escaped her abusive marriage, and I’m so glad to hear that she has the tools, resources, and time to heal from the genuinely horrific things she went through.
As a commentary on evangelicalism, fundamentalism, and American Christianity, though, this book fell a little flat.
The author writes as though most experiences of hers were normal for most, if not all, evangelicals. But that’s just not true.
Some of the author’s descriptions of fundamentalist trappings really were a nearly universal experience—like the Vision Forum catalogue with all of the toys divided into gender-specific categories. But some of them were explicitly rejected by evangelicals and large swathes of fundamentalists. For example, she talks a lot about her husband not wanting her to vote, and writes as though most fundamentalist and evangelical women had the same experience. Did she not watch the rest of Shiny Happy People? Or read the beginning of her own book? Civic involvement was a huge goal of many of these groups. The idea that you were supposed to have a lot of children who could all vote was never limited to boys. If anything, fundamentalist and evangelical women voted MORE often than the average registered voter.
I also was confused by the repeated theme of how her evangelical (not fundamentalist) church pressured her to marry her abusive husband (who was abusive when they were dating). But then she tells a story about an evangelical pastor doing their counseling who tells them *not* to get married? She has a lot of love for her evangelical parents, who also told her not to get married, even on the wedding day. And the book doesn’t really grapple with the dichotomy between the pressure she felt to get married from “evangelicalism” and the actual evangelicals in her life telling her not to marry THIS guy.
Overall, this book is a well-told story of one woman’s harrowing experience. But I would hesitate before extrapolating every part of her experience to everyone who grew up in similar environments.
As a commentary on evangelicalism, fundamentalism, and American Christianity, though, this book fell a little flat.
The author writes as though most experiences of hers were normal for most, if not all, evangelicals. But that’s just not true.
Some of the author’s descriptions of fundamentalist trappings really were a nearly universal experience—like the Vision Forum catalogue with all of the toys divided into gender-specific categories. But some of them were explicitly rejected by evangelicals and large swathes of fundamentalists. For example, she talks a lot about her husband not wanting her to vote, and writes as though most fundamentalist and evangelical women had the same experience. Did she not watch the rest of Shiny Happy People? Or read the beginning of her own book? Civic involvement was a huge goal of many of these groups. The idea that you were supposed to have a lot of children who could all vote was never limited to boys. If anything, fundamentalist and evangelical women voted MORE often than the average registered voter.
I also was confused by the repeated theme of how her evangelical (not fundamentalist) church pressured her to marry her abusive husband (who was abusive when they were dating). But then she tells a story about an evangelical pastor doing their counseling who tells them *not* to get married? She has a lot of love for her evangelical parents, who also told her not to get married, even on the wedding day. And the book doesn’t really grapple with the dichotomy between the pressure she felt to get married from “evangelicalism” and the actual evangelicals in her life telling her not to marry THIS guy.
Overall, this book is a well-told story of one woman’s harrowing experience. But I would hesitate before extrapolating every part of her experience to everyone who grew up in similar environments.
December 6, 2024
Memoir
CW: lots of profanity, abuse (physical and sexual), graphic descriptions, etc
It's hard to give a fair review to a story from a background similari-ish to my own. After all, I remember going with my mom to a Bill Gothard seminar! But my experience growing up in the conservative Mennonite culture is vastly different from her experience within the fundamentalist/IBLP movement. And for that I am incredibly thankful.
For the story itself: the majority of the book made me hurt to think of how many folks have been so badly hurt/damaged/traumatized by "Christian patriarchy" and by leaders picking and choosing Bible verses to advance their own unbiblical and harmful agendas. The end part, of Tia's life of freedom, felt ...I don't know...I didn't enjoy it so much. Part of that feeling is definitely differences in beliefs, but I'm not sure that's all of it. After all, I usually don't have that problem with other authors who believe differently than I do. I think it felt like almost completely different writing, and maybe that's because she became a different person?
I'm usually pretty generous with my ratings for memoirs; after all, it's someone telling their story, which is very brave. However, I really didn't appreciate how much profanity was involved. There are times (in this book and others) where I can pardon strong language because it's part of the story. But so much of the profanity in this book felt like it was just a way for Tia to vent her feelings towards the people in her traumatic past. She's a good writer, and I just felt sad that she felt the need to resort to profanity rather than excellent writing.
I won't read it again, mainly because of the amount of profanity.
Edited to add:
I do think there's a lot of value in Tia sharing her story. Perhaps her story can be the catalyst for others trapped in abusive situations to find what they need to find freedom. I hope so, at least!
CW: lots of profanity, abuse (physical and sexual), graphic descriptions, etc
It's hard to give a fair review to a story from a background similari-ish to my own. After all, I remember going with my mom to a Bill Gothard seminar! But my experience growing up in the conservative Mennonite culture is vastly different from her experience within the fundamentalist/IBLP movement. And for that I am incredibly thankful.
For the story itself: the majority of the book made me hurt to think of how many folks have been so badly hurt/damaged/traumatized by "Christian patriarchy" and by leaders picking and choosing Bible verses to advance their own unbiblical and harmful agendas. The end part, of Tia's life of freedom, felt ...I don't know...I didn't enjoy it so much. Part of that feeling is definitely differences in beliefs, but I'm not sure that's all of it. After all, I usually don't have that problem with other authors who believe differently than I do. I think it felt like almost completely different writing, and maybe that's because she became a different person?
I'm usually pretty generous with my ratings for memoirs; after all, it's someone telling their story, which is very brave. However, I really didn't appreciate how much profanity was involved. There are times (in this book and others) where I can pardon strong language because it's part of the story. But so much of the profanity in this book felt like it was just a way for Tia to vent her feelings towards the people in her traumatic past. She's a good writer, and I just felt sad that she felt the need to resort to profanity rather than excellent writing.
I won't read it again, mainly because of the amount of profanity.
Edited to add:
I do think there's a lot of value in Tia sharing her story. Perhaps her story can be the catalyst for others trapped in abusive situations to find what they need to find freedom. I hope so, at least!
May 6, 2024
I just couldn’t continue. This story was so far out there (which seems to be almost expected with religious extremes), that I can’t understand how anyone could stay in such a relationship. My logical thought process won’t allow me to continue.
February 1, 2025
3.5 stars?
”A woman is like a teabag. You never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
How do you rate a book like this? When the author's life in the church makes me volcanically angry? But when I also feel so relieved that she managed to escape from fundamentalist Christianity and fine peace and happiness?
Evangelical Christians do a lot of fulminating about sick society “grooming" children, but they have their version of it and it's so harmful for women and their children. Equating femininity with marriage and motherhood, nothing else. Mandating that the husband must make all the decisions and that he can expect his wife to do as she is told. To hell with that! There's a reason that they oppose sex education, abortion, and contraception—all those things give girls and women information on how to control their own lives and bodies. Why God wouldn't want that is less clear. What is clear is that these men want to be controlling assholes.
I grew up going to an evangelical church and had exactly the same mixed feelings about it that the author did. However, I had a supportive mother who expected me to educate myself and to grow up before choosing a husband. Turns out I loved education and never did find a guy that was worth marrying. I asked Mom at one point if she was disappointed with my choices and she said, “You're the happiest of my children. Don't change.” I'm so lucky to have had such a sensible mother.
I am glad that this woman is so committed to exposing the abusive nature of her first marriage and the religious milieu that she lived in. If this book speaks to you, I would also recommend Educated by Tara Westover or Beyond Belief: My Secret Life Inside Scientology and My Harrowing Escape by Jenna Miscavige Hill. Although Hill's book relates to Scientology, it explores similar themes.
”A woman is like a teabag. You never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
How do you rate a book like this? When the author's life in the church makes me volcanically angry? But when I also feel so relieved that she managed to escape from fundamentalist Christianity and fine peace and happiness?
Evangelical Christians do a lot of fulminating about sick society “grooming" children, but they have their version of it and it's so harmful for women and their children. Equating femininity with marriage and motherhood, nothing else. Mandating that the husband must make all the decisions and that he can expect his wife to do as she is told. To hell with that! There's a reason that they oppose sex education, abortion, and contraception—all those things give girls and women information on how to control their own lives and bodies. Why God wouldn't want that is less clear. What is clear is that these men want to be controlling assholes.
I grew up going to an evangelical church and had exactly the same mixed feelings about it that the author did. However, I had a supportive mother who expected me to educate myself and to grow up before choosing a husband. Turns out I loved education and never did find a guy that was worth marrying. I asked Mom at one point if she was disappointed with my choices and she said, “You're the happiest of my children. Don't change.” I'm so lucky to have had such a sensible mother.
I am glad that this woman is so committed to exposing the abusive nature of her first marriage and the religious milieu that she lived in. If this book speaks to you, I would also recommend Educated by Tara Westover or Beyond Belief: My Secret Life Inside Scientology and My Harrowing Escape by Jenna Miscavige Hill. Although Hill's book relates to Scientology, it explores similar themes.
September 4, 2024
This book hurt to read because it hit a little too close to home. My husband and I both went to a fundamentalist Christian college and started our marriage in fundamentalism. All the resources Tia mentioned were all too familiar to me--Ezzos, Pearls, Vision Forum, Doug Wilson, IBLP, etc. While Tia's husband was particularly cruel and abusive, I know from my years in these circles that the teaching about marriage and family in the fundamentalist subculture lends itself to a culture of abuse and abusive systems.
I'm so grateful that my husband and I, even while in the subculture, questioned norms and weren't afraid take our own path. I'm also so thankful that we got out of the subculture, although we'll continue to identify ways it still affects us, I'm sure, for a long time still. I'm also grateful that my faith has survived. I'm still a follower and a believer in Jesus. I'm glad to have found healthier communities of faith. Best wishes to Tia, as she continues to sift through the good and the bad and to hold onto what is true.
I'm so grateful that my husband and I, even while in the subculture, questioned norms and weren't afraid take our own path. I'm also so thankful that we got out of the subculture, although we'll continue to identify ways it still affects us, I'm sure, for a long time still. I'm also grateful that my faith has survived. I'm still a follower and a believer in Jesus. I'm glad to have found healthier communities of faith. Best wishes to Tia, as she continues to sift through the good and the bad and to hold onto what is true.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 4,100 reviews