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    The Man Who Never Lived
    The Man Who Never Lived
    The Man Who Never Lived
    Ebook88 pages1 hour

    The Man Who Never Lived

    By Thomas Daw

    ()

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    About this ebook

    A mentally disturbing, amusing, different work of sheer genius. Buy it today.

    In The Man Who Never Lived, Thomas Daw offers the entire world an insight into his life.
    You think you know Thomas Daw? You have no idea.

    Martial arts, Boyzone, Uma Thurman, the late Professor Stephen Hawking, alcohol, drugs and
    much more. A man abandoned on a bus, a new life on Broadway, random memories, the female equation,
    how the earth really works and everything else in between.

    The Man Who Never Lived is a triumph, and there is no other book like it in existence. Childish, juvenile humour
    occasional bad language and some revolting themes.

    What more could you wish for in a book? Buy a copy today and release yourself from the ongoing torment of your
    own consciousness. You will either cry with laughter, or not find it funny whatsoever.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherThomas Daw
    Release dateOct 5, 2021
    ISBN9798201212957
    The Man Who Never Lived

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      Book preview

      The Man Who Never Lived - Thomas Daw

      Contents.

      Introduction.

      Who the hell am I?

      Nothing in Common.

      Are you Feeling Okay?

      Bizarre, Random Memories.

      The Laughter Chapter.

      What Planet are you from?

      The Female Equation.

      Still Nothing in Common.

      The Bad-Tempered Chapter.

      Conclusion.

      Introduction.

      Bonjour mon amis my name is Thomas and I am to blame for this book. In fact, I have written many books. I am a creative type, and find it hard to keep still at the best of times, so why not write another book, eh?

      Lots of people write a book, and walk around like their poop doesn’t stink, forever after. My poop does indeed stink. I am not funny, I’m not talented- I’m crap at everything, almost. I’m not writing for fame and fortune. I’m writing this book because my truck broke down in Guatemala, and unless I can get this book published in time, I’m going to have to start thinking of ideas to survive. I don’t like having to think- I want everything done for me. I say it was my truck, it’s more like a cardboard box with a picture of a little African boy on the front. I need money so I can begin a new life on Broadway, jumping in women’s cars and doing sexual things in return for prestige and the odd nickel here and there.

      I’m not rich, I’m not poor. It’s just me and your mother here in Guatemala, and a great big jar of mayo. What do you put on your chips? Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading this book. I thought I may as well confess whilst I’m at the beginning here- I am the biggest druggie on earth. I’m actually spending 10 million dollars a day on smack, crack and everything else. I’ve reached the point where I’m blissfully happy, but I could die at any moment, so it’s a bit of a catch 22, or is it?

      To anyone reading this book, bless you. May your life be forever enriched by the fact that this book was once in your possession. Enjoy the good times, the bad times and all the bullshit in between. Please don’t ever do drugs, don’t drink and definitely don’t stick things up your ass.

      Have a great Dane? No. Have a great life.

      Thomas ‘perpendicular’ Daw.

      Emeritus Professor of Syndromes at Melton Mowbray University.

      Who The Hell Am I?

      Oh God, not another book. Like, why am I doing this? Anyway, my name is Thomas Daw, and I kill Buffalo for the fuck of it. No, that’s not right. I think I’ll start again on the next paragraph.

      My name is Thomas Daw, and I am a highly irregular man from Cornwall. Cornwall is a funny triangle shape at the bottom of the United Kingdom. In Cornwall we have pasty shops, tropical insects, Newquay, diabetes and electricity. Twice a night, every night, so I’ve been told. This book is my world, and I am inviting you to share my world with me.

      I reached a point whereby I read so many books, magazines and rubbish that for me, writing has become the new reading. It’s just a typical Sunday morning here, drifting into the afternoon. And so I thought, why not write another book? The clock is almost 3pm and I could quite honestly call it a day and go to sleep; but I shan’t. When I was younger, doing something like writing this book would be my idea of hell, especially reading my own words back over and over- checking for mistakes. But now I could write four books a year and not see it as work, more of a new hobby that anyone can do. Most of us have boring, crappy lives, but we can write ourselves into fantasy Kingdoms, full of massive tits and cherry cokes all round. I am the Goblin with the Golden big toe, apparently.

      Next year, I shall be 40. What the hell happened? Well to be honest, everything and nothing happened to me, as you will discover in this book. I am just a man from Cornwall, but my life has been very different, much of it of my own making, and some of it not. The thing is, I have crammed in so many creative endeavours and achievements into my life, I often feel like I’m about 85. But looking at my life, I would rather be feeling incredibly old for 39, than being one of those who woke up one day and realised that they never did anything. I am the fastest Duck on the pond, not because I am better than all the other Ducks, it’s simply because my legs are moving the fastest, under the surface.

      I will be going into more about me and where I’m coming from later on in this book. But for now, all you need to know is that I am from Cornwall, I am 39 and I feel so old it takes the piss. I like music, vaping CBD bud, martial arts and computer games. Oh, and writing. You see, I have discovered that I can get published for free on so many online platforms, it encourages my creative side: literally, writing for the sheer heck of it.

      I probably won’t be getting huge amounts, or any money from this book, but it’s the thrill of writing for the sake of it. Nobody says you cannot write a book and get it published, do they? It’s the fact that it’s another book done- one more on the list. Laughs, tears, Madagascan vanilla custard along the way. I’m actually a masturbating robotic Lion, complete with magnetic detachable sabre-tusks and voice commands.

      Trying to make as much sense as possible in this book, without swearing or being rude for the sake of it, is the real challenge. Salt N Vinegar tampons. You want my life story? You want to know how many people I’ve killed, physically and with my mind? You want to know how I kiss, what women I like best, and how I like doing it in the bedroom? Even I don’t know the answers to all that. You wanna watch me wipe my ass? Okay! I’m giving it to you. Learn all the juiciest titbits from a man who never lived.

      It doesn’t matter who we were or what we thought. What matters is what we did, whilst we were alive. How many people lived and died and never did anything- never even wrote one book? Give back to society, even if it’s just a picture for the village Fete- you’re doing something! You’re on stage- you’re the star. Never forget that you’re only the star of the show if you believe you are, and you move those legs like crazy under the pond water, to make things happen.

      I was born in Cornwall. I lived almost exclusively on hazelnuts until I was 26, when I was remanded in prison for 12 years for raping one of those plastic Labrador guide dog moneyboxes: on stage, during a royal variety performance. I have wanked over almost everyone’s mum in Cornwall, and there’s no stopping what cannot be stopped, no killing what cannot be killed. I think that last part was from Predator 2- in fact I know damn well that it was.

      I work in a chocolate factory, sorting hazelnuts, and almost every penny I make from my job, I give to the people of Nairobi. I simply cannot sleep at night until I know that all of my money is on its way to Nairobi- to be with my people. The fact that I am not from Nairobi, and am certainly not one of

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